Normal Gossip - S3 Ep6: In Defense of Children with Youngmi Mayer

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Comedian and host of Feeling Asian and Hairy Butthole Youngmi Mayer joins us to get to the bottom of a decades-old crime haunting one family: WHO flushed the hot dog down the toilet?  Follow Youngmi on Instagram @ymmayer. You can support Normal Gossip directly bybuying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com. Episode transcript here. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs). Law & Order sound effect created by Mike Post. Credits read by Jessie Xiao. 

Alex, do you think that we should tell them our little secret? I think we should. Our secret is that we are going on tour this summer. Woo! We're going to be sharing a new gossip story with you all, but this time live on a stage. There will be special guests and glow sticks and games. It's going to be so messy. You can get tickets at normalgossiplive.com.

And bring your secrets. Because we're going to read them. Everyone in this family are such edge lords. My God. They are. I can barely handle one minute of the story. And they're like, 15 years later. Yeah.

He waited until dessert. Oh my, I can't deal with this. Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. In each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. For the podcast, I have Young Mi Mayer with me. Young Mi is a stand-up comedian, activist, and podcast host.

She's the co-host of the Feeling Asian podcast and the host of Harry Butthole. Both podcasts highlight the Asian-American experience. Young Mi, welcome to the pod. We're thrilled to have you. Hi, thanks for having me. Am I an activist? It says so online. It does.

Do you not feel like that? No, I feel like... No, I think I've talked about this before where you just feel like... Please. I think there's some sort of stigma around that word. People tend to shy away from it, and I'm like, why? Yeah, because people are afraid of being bold. They're afraid of standing too firmly somewhere, and that's embarrassing for them.

I also think that there is this general idea that it's humorless, but you can be funny and be an activist. Do you want to tell us what you're up to? What am I up to? I don't know. My life is chaotic. I just got back from Korea. I was in Korea for a month, and then I also was on the Island of Saipan,

where those are the two places I grew up. So I did a little home tour with my son, who's eight years old. Yeah, so I just got back. That's so fun. Did he like it? He liked it, but it's so interesting because when you plan a trip for your kid, you're planning out all the stuff that you're going to do with them, and you're like, this is going to be life-changing,

and this is going to mean so much to him. So maybe you have core memory, and then his memory is like the banana boat. Well, banana boats are cool, so he's not wrong. Yeah, he's not wrong. Do you want to start me off with the traditional first question and tell me what your relationship with gossip is like? I love gossip. I'm pro-gossip.

I think all gossip. There's no bad gossip. I feel like I read that thing a few years ago that was going around that people were saying how being against gossip is actually kind of misogynistic, and I'm like, yeah, because it seems to have a bad connotation, but that's just how human beings communicate. Yeah, it's also like talking about other people can sometimes be used as a weapon against people who aren't men.

It's like, oh, if you're not talking about something important, like the sports team that we all follow, then this is mundane conversation, and it's like, no, you're also just talking about some people you don't know. They just happen to hold a baseball bat. Exactly. Yeah, they love gossiping about like, I don't even know. I was going to say like a sports athlete's name, but I don't even know, and I was like a Bradley Charles or whatever.

One of those guys. Sure. This is the second wife. I don't know, but also I think that it's like gossip and the telling of gossip and the telling of it well is an art. It's a storytelling art, and that is celebrated throughout the world. I mean, as someone who thinks about gossip constantly because it is my job to write these scripts,

what do you think makes it different or the same as other kinds of storytelling? Well, here's the thing. The similar thing is that you have to make it juicy. You have to make it enticing to keep the listener involved, right? And that's like, it's like one fucking Quentin Tarantino does it. It's like, oh my God, what a fucking genius. And then like, when I'm juicing up the story, you know, about like this bitch who tried to steal my purse the other week, then well, I'm doing a gossip.

What? Like I'm being, you know, I'm being a little caddy or whatever. Yeah. Well, that actually happened, but you know, it's just like juicing. Oh yeah, my cat's on my lap. Sorry. He loves gossip. No, it was just great timing.

You said I'm being a little caddy and then he appeared. Yeah, it's like, yeah, it's like, it makes it the same as like directing a movie, you know, or making like doing a podcast. Like, you know, you have that like intuition and you know what people want to hear. And that gift is like kind of the same gift that people have that do any sort of storytelling. I'm taking this as a huge compliment personally because you're comparing all gossiping to Quentin Tarantino, which seems great to me. It's a compliment for Quentin Tarantino because like, let's be honest, I'm just sorry.

No, you're right. What can you tell everyone about what happened with your purse? So I was, okay, not, I don't, I'm gonna, this is me trying to, I have to strike the balance between juicing up the gossip and like not offending anybody, especially as a Korean. A classic conundrum. Yeah, but I mean, it's fine. It would be fine if it was just you and me. I could go all out, but you know, people are listening and some people that are listening

are Korean and I don't want them to be offended, but there's a city in Korea called Busan that's traditionally known to be kind of gangster-y. Like there's a lot of gangster in Korea. Like back in the old days, it was known because it's like a port town and they're rough and they have this thick accent and it's like really hot, you know, like, and they're just like smoking cigarettes and eating like dried squid, you know, in the alley. Like that's the spirit of Pusan, you know. I love this vibe.

They work so hard to go get away from that. They're like, don't tell the white people about like they're so mad at me right now. But I went there with my parents because they haven't been there in like 30 years. I was like, let's go down and do it. It's a seaside town. It's beautiful. And we went to have, you know, seafood on the beach. How great.

And as soon as I fucking sat down, the women behind me, I was like, these are some Pusan ass bitches. You know, they're like, one of them had just had, again, a horrible stereotype about Koreans and I'm sorry. One of them just had plastic surgery. She had chin shaving procedure and she had like a band-aid around the bottom of her face. Smoking and drinking soju at 1 p.m. It's like Vegas vibes. Yeah.

And they're talking about, you know, I don't even know what they're, they're talking about like money or something like that. Right. And they're like, she fired this and she fired that. It's like, that's what Korean and I got the vibe that they were like worked around that area. It's like, it was like a really touristy area and they were, or something like that. And I was just like, there's something about these women there.

I love them. I feel like we would be friends in another life. But I saw it at the corner of my eye. I was just like keeping tabs. And when they got up, one of them pushed the chair that had my purse on it. That was next to me under her table. And as soon as I saw that, I was like, I don't know what's going on. And then the next one got up and she grabbed my purse like, like the, like, you know, with

her back turned. And like, I've already been watching since she kicked the chair under her table. So I was like, as soon as she, she grabbed my purse, I was like, what are you doing? And then her friend was facing me and she was facing away. Her friend said something to her like, and then she slowly turned around and was like, Oh, I'm sorry. And put the, Oh, so sorry.

I thought this was my purse. And then walked away and I immediately was like that she's trying to steal my purse. And then nobody at the restaurant that was working there gave a crap. They're like, I just said like loud so that the people working there could hear me, but they're just like, and like, well, good situational awareness on your part to watch the, the chair get kicked under. But I mean, I was watching them the whole time. So I was like, Oh, they're so funny.

And then the woman heard me scream. She tried to steal my purse, the culprit. And so she was like, Oh my, I have a purse that looks exactly like that. And it's, I think it's somewhere under your table. So she like, try to look under my table. And I was like, just go. Okay. Just go.

It's fine. I'm not going to call the cops or whatever you think I'm going to do. I'm, it's fine. Just go. Just leave me with my purse alone. Yeah. And that's, that's all that happened. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.

I can't wait to see it in theaters in 14 years. What, what are you, how do you gossip in your personal life? I just like, you know, I juice it up. I think I'm going to keep saying that all, all day. I just juice it up to the max, you know. So I want to talk to you about that because I think it's, this is just something I'm fascinated in in general is like the juicing of gossip. It's like, how far do you go?

How far do you feel comfortable going with juicing it up? And also like, who is the most fun person to juice it up for? Okay. So first, I just want to say that I don't like straight up lie. Right. Like I just, I do not lie. I don't really fabricate anything. I do like change little things to make it more interesting.

But also I feel like, you know, it's a standup comedian. And also like a podcast host that knows that I have to retell stories for an audience. When, when things are happening, I like start to already like jot down in my head, all the, all the funniest, best parts of it, you know. And then like also during the, the incidents happening, I think in my head, what will make the story funnier, which is like, like the purse stealing thing. I was like, I should go outside and like kick her ass cause I would be funny. Right.

I was like, no, this would, that would make that story like to the next level. Like that's a, that's a great story. Right. But then I was like telling my mom and she was like, don't, because you have a foreign passport and they're always going to side with the Koreans. That's good advice. And I was like, you're right. And I was just sitting there as this fuming like, oh, I just want to beat her ass.

Um, but, but there are times that during the things happening, like other scenarios, I'll be like, oh, this guy said something to me on the street or whatever. And I'm like, I should let it go. What? It would be really funny if I chased after him and said this. And so, so sometimes I will do that for the sake of the story. This is like the definition of living for the plot, right? Seriously.

Of like, I will do it. Yeah. Because I feel like I know that I could just make it up and lie. Sure. But I don't know. There's something about as a performer and what I've found is that people can sense that. And like there's the level of excitement, I think that happens in my body when I'm retelling something that actually happened.

Like people can pick up on that, you know? Yeah. What? So you're obviously talking about like performing a story, right? So the idea of like standing on a stage and performing it. Who do you rehearse the story with though? Right? Like I assume that you're telling your gossip stories before you get onto a stage.

Mostly, who do you tell? Mostly with the voices inside my head. Just myself. Like I will, I just tell myself the story over and over. And then I'll like, um, but or a lot of times the stories I tell my podcast, I'll do to myself. Um, but to be honest, like stories like the first story or there's like this other great story that happened to me while I was in Korea.

Like I will, um, tell my friends the group chat, obviously. And then I'll tell, yeah, I'll tell like multiple group chats to transition us into our story for today. Do you have any cousins or like extended family that often has drama? I have a ton of Korean cousins. I have zero American cousins. I'm like, I'm half white. I don't have any white cousins.

I have a million Korean cousins. How many is a million? Like is it like hundreds of cousins? No, like, um, like a real number. I would say solidly like 15. That's a lot of cousins. Well, my mom has like eight siblings. That'll do it.

Do you have like a chaotic relationship with them or is it pretty calm when you're all together? I mean, we get a lot. We all get along. Like there's, except for the one cousin that tried to burn my mom's house down, but like we all like get along. You know what I mean? We like, we really like each other.

I don't dislike any of, you know, yeah. We get along. I love that. Great caveat. We all get along except for the one demon cousin. So we are going back in time today into an uncertain date when this story is told and like always is the details are constantly changing. Some people say the year there was 1997.

Others say it was 1999. Everyone agrees that the day we're going to talk about was somewhere between 1995 and 2002. Over time, the details haven't been like lost per se. The details have been juiced. They've been heist. They've been expanded, molded in the hands of people who have told their own version. This is their story.

One thing everyone is sure about is that the incident took place on Christmas Eve. It was either a very warm December or a very mild one. It's unclear. It could have been sweatshirt weather or maybe also people swam in the pool. Depends on who you're asking, but what is clear is that it took place at the grandparents house. Okay. Grandma and grandma live in a not too big, not too small, very old house in a picturesque

southern city, right? It's like the kind of house that's always shown in movies where like people come home for the holidays and it's like all decked out, right? There's like a giant oak tree. It's got lights on it, la, la, la. Grandparents have been waiting there all day for their like children and grandchildren to arrive. Yeah.

First to arrive, everyone agrees on this, was the family of our friend of a friend. We're going to call her Hazel just for our purposes. And because she's our closest contact, we're going to believe her version of this story. Okay. So the version I'm about to tell you is Hazel's version. Okay. We believe women. Believe women.

Exactly. Yeah. In this situation, Hazel was eight and a half. Okay. Hazel and her older sister, Dawn, we'll say Dawn was 10. You know, they fought in the back seat of the car the whole right over, right? They're like, is your hand across the center line of my seat? Is your hand across the center line?

Right? Just like bickering, bickering, bickering over their shared chairs. I love that. That's what Hazel remembers because that's like having an eight year old and that's like stuff that he remembers. I'm like, do you remember the Grand Canyon? He's like, yeah, I got a hot dog. It's like, great.

Exactly. So the minute they arrive, it's like four hour drive to their grandparents house, right? Like they get there. The minute they arrive, that like animosity between her and her sister kind of dissolves because there's like new things to do. There are stairs to run up and down. There are piles of leaves to jump in. There's grandparents to hug.

There's like a bunch of soft surfaces to jump on, right? So they're doing that when their two cousins arrive, Peyton, who was nine. So he's between the two girls and Cole, who's one year younger than Hazel. So he's seven. Okay. So these are white people. Yes. Okay.

The boys come roaring out of the car, right? Just like all energy. And once the cousins are all together, it's like hell breaks loose, right? Like they want to play hide and seek. They want to play sardines. They want to like run and tackle each other and scream at the top of their lungs. The adults are exhausted from transporting their children to this location and also having jobs and also having to do like the emotional labor of interacting with their own parents

and siblings. Yes. So they're like, my head's going to explode listening to all of this chaos. We want the kids to have fun, obviously. It's Christmas. But we also want the kids to not like topple a precious family heirloom to the ground because they're running in circles. Right.

How do you think they should get the children to calm down? What would your strategy be? I don't know. I would just like put them outside and like lock the door. Get them to... They didn't have iPads back then. What did they do with children before iPads? Quailudes.

I don't know. What they got? I was so funny because that's like when I grew up. Yeah. Poppers. That's like, that's when I grew up and I'm like, what did I do when I was, what did my parents do when I was bored? Maybe television?

I don't know. What the aunt and uncle, so the parents of the two boys do is they, you know, they go to their car and they return holding a black box that's draped in like a bunch of cords and the uncle carries it like a bouquet to the living room and he turns the TV around and he plugs it in and it was an intent of 64. Nice. Did you play in 64 at all as a child? No, not at all.

I hate video games. I just like never got into it, but I remember it was like so big. People love that so much. Yes. Okay. So the game that they were playing is like also up for debate and also not important. Hazel is like certain that the game was Mario Party and since we believe women and we believe Hazel, we're going with that.

Yes. They're all like seated on the floor right in like birth order. They're still yelling and like being really loud, but at least they're not running anymore. So the parents are like, we did it. This is a win. Right. As you can imagine, because there are four children, the game devolves immediately because playing games as a child, like, you know, having a personal crisis always reveals something

about your character. Yes. Children's brains still developing. Yeah. Like if you, you know, if you're a purse dealer at heart, let's say. Right. Exactly. And also like there's sense of fairness for each of these children has no sense of like

justice or equality, right? So they're all like the only thing that seems fair to me is like, if I get what I want. I should have everything and Peyton should go sit in the car. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Okay. So the children managed to play for like an hour before their personality started to

reveal themselves. Okay. So here's what happens. We'll go through them. Dawn, so she's the oldest. She assumed because she was taller and also older and also smarter that she would also be best at playing the video game, even though she never played it before. This did not work out well for her and she did not take it well.

So she is like our stereotype of a sore loser, right? Yeah. She's like pouting. She's becoming mad. She gets so mad at one point that she like slaps the controller out of the littlest one Cole's hand. Right. To her credit, slapping the controller out of Cole's hand was like pretty fair because

Cole, who's like smaller and goofier than all of them is also the kind of kid who like innately ignores the rules of games. Like right. He cheats. He sabotages his own teammates because he thinks it's funny. He loses all the time, but that's because he's trying to make sure that Peyton, his older brother loses more, right? And he was like best at the game.

So he's like turning the controller sideways and like using his palm to spin a little joystick or something. He knows how to win and what he wants is not to win, but to make Peyton lose. He would rather have chaos. Exactly. Power. Can we assign like squid game characters to this or something? Make it a little Korean?

Because I feel like, so that's like Cole is like the gangster guy. Yes. He's like just creating chaos. I think he was from Busan in that show. And I swear to God, I don't remember, but, and then the old, the oldest one is a sore loser. I feel like that she, she's the character that's the rich guy that went to Seoul University and he brings it up in every sentence.

Yes. Okay. So we've established these two characters. Okay. Who's next? So because Cole is like disrupting every game, that means that Hazel is winning every game because she's the only one not being sabotaged. Hazel, obviously the main character.

Exactly. Just pure of heart. And she, well, she's pure of heart except that she's a really sore winner. So she's like bragging. Just like, that's fine. Bragging, bragging. Women should, women should brag more, you know, we're told to like little ourselves too much.

No, fuck that. You won. Just rub it in their faces. Yeah. She's just rubbing it in her sister's face, running it, rubbing it in everyone's face. She's winning. She's confident. Woman in tech, you know.

Women in STEM. Good girl. Good girl. Hazel. Just cause she's better than all the men they're calling her haughty and arrogant. No. She deserves to brag. Peyton, the only child remaining is like, does not care, right?

Not be phased by Cole's behavior, his younger brother is just like trying to find shortcuts and like do tricks in the game. Like he's not even really trying to win. Pain sounds good. He's, I don't, I don't even know what character he is in Squid Game. He's like the, um, I don't even remember any of their names. Okay. So this is like, this is our situation.

How are you feeling at this point about our, our terrible children? I honestly want to correct you. I, I think that they sound like children, not terrible children. They're acting like children and then we shouldn't place judgment. I'm sorry. No, you're right. I just read this parenting book. Um, they sound, they sound like kids.

They sound annoying AF and, and I'm sure the parents at this point, one PM had, have had some Sauvignon Blanc at this point. Okay. So for dinner, the way it works in this family is like extremely gender stereotyped, right? Which is that like the women are doing the traditional Christmas meal. They're like very into it. They're making their like jams and gravies and pies or whatever. They're like creating a feast and this starts on Christmas Eve when they all get there.

They're all cooking. Good. So what the women in this family have done is, you know, they're like, we're cooking for Christmas. The men will cook Christmas Eve dinner and what they will be allowed to use is the grill because we are using the rest of the kitchen. Yeah. And men are allowed to grill.

Yes. Men are allowed. Men are allowed to grill. Yeah. So this is fine. It's the South. It's warm. It's also like kind of a fun tradition to be like, oh, our family eats like hot dogs and

hamburgers on Christmas Eve. All the kids love it. There's chips. Like we have watermelon on the grill. It's fun, right? That sounds great. The kids love this, obviously, because they're like hot dogs and hamburgers special treat were thrilled.

So the children eat their hot dogs and hamburgers right at dinner time. They eat them all happily. They like return to play in their games after dinner. OK. But that evening, depending on who you believe, either right after they finished eating dinner or almost two hours later, OK, so we have some ambiguous time sequencing. OK. The grandpa comes stomping into the living room and he walks up to the TV and he rips

the cord out of the back of the Nintendo and the screen goes black. Wow. Cole, who is about to destroy both his brother and Don in one fell swoop, screams. No. The parents come like running in because the kids are screaming. And so does like the grandma. And so they're all like gathered around, right? Yeah.

Grandpa's holding the cord to the N64. He's like clearly annoyed. He clears his throat and he's like, which one of you put a hot dog in the toilet? Legend. Grandpa's like, there is a whole hot dog in the toilet upstairs with one bite taken out of it. The children all like look at one another, but no one says anything, right? They're all like just silent.

He's like, I know it was one of you. I already know who it was. I 100% know who it was. It's not Hazel. No one says anything. Yeah. He's like, none of you are in trouble, but the upstairs toilet is clogged. So like someone needs to confess.

What if it just came out of my butt like that because I didn't chew it, grandpa? Just the whole hot dog just shot right out. Yeah. Once when I was a kid, let me tell you, my mom bought me a happy meal and I was so excited because she would never, she would never get those for me. When I ate the happy meal, so burger, cheeseburger so fast because I loved it that I got sick and then I, and then I was like running to the bathroom side to throw up. And the two pickles came out exactly packed, stuck to each other.

Like just literally like how that person put it on the cheeseburger because I ate it so fast. So I'm not, I'm not, it's in the scope of possibilities that it maybe the kid ate it too fast and it just came out whole. Yes. I guess that's a possibility. So like all family legends, right? This was told over and over again and this moment of like grandpa standing there looms

large over it to the point where like when the grandpa died a few years ago, the cousins like talked about this moment at the funeral. Wow. They're like, we didn't even know that he was upset. He just had to know, right? He was like, which one of you did this? Yeah. But nobody said a word.

Nobody said anything. They're all just like looking at each other, waiting for someone else to confess because they're like, maybe if someone else else confesses, this will be over. Yeah. But none of them do. Huh. What do you think the parents should do in this scenario? I don't know what they should do, but if it was me, let me tell you, I wouldn't have

a talk with grandpa. Be like, bro, relax. You're, it's a little abusive. It's, it's, you know, you're being a little abusive to your children. You know, it's, it's scary when adults yell at them and it's not a big deal. I'll unclog the toilet and let them be kids. That's what I would do. Well, I do want to be clear that he wasn't yelling.

He was just like, who did this, who put this hot dog into the toilet? What the parents decide to do is they're like, we are going to question the children. We're going to see if we can get one of them to confess by splitting them up, asking if they did it, and then asking them if they know who did it. And just hope that one of them will tell on the other year or 2000. I like this. I like these are smart people. This is like, sounds like a like law and order SVU sort of tactic.

So now we're going to play real line, law and order SVU, which is you get to choose which child you'd like to question first. Okay. I already know. I know it's Cole. Okay. So you want to go to Cole first though. I see what you mean.

I got to think. I'm going to plot out a little tactical. I would ask, well, like only the kid that did it would know. Do you know what I mean? It's not like the other kids would be seeing the crime. Maybe. Maybe. I would ask, I guess, Peyton.

Okay. You're going to Peyton first. Because I know it's Cole and I feel like Peyton will just rat him out. Peyton is nine. Just to remember, Peyton is also a goody two shoes. And more importantly, Peyton does not like hot dogs. At the right age of six, Peyton was like, hot dogs are gross. I'm not eating them.

By nine, Peyton was a vegetarian. Peyton sounds like a narc. He's going to call the cops. So Peyton is interviewed on the couch, right? And he's sitting cross-legged and they're like, Peyton, did you put the hot dog into the toilet? And Peyton's like, no, I didn't. I don't even eat hot dogs.

Okay. I believe him. The parents are like, we believe him, but Peyton is the kind of kid who lies. Like he's good at lying. That checks out. People who like cops like to lie. So that's what that is true. So they're like, okay, Peyton, our little child.

Do you know who put the hot dog into the toilet? And Peyton's like, all I know is that all the kids use the upstairs bathroom except for Dawn because she doesn't like the way it smells. Okay. We're getting some clues here. Okay. Who would you like to question next? You've got Dawn, Hazel and Cole left.

Cole. You're going straight to Cole. Yeah. Okay. Here's Cole. Go for the husband of the, the wife that's missing. Cole is the only child who does not seem like genuinely upset and concerned. He is like our chaos child.

He is eating cookies when the parents find him in the dining room. He's not supposed to be eating cookies. The parents are like Cole, you're not supposed to be having the cookies. And Cole is like, grandpa said I could have them. Grandpa absolutely did not say that he could have these. They're like Cole, you know that you can't have those, but he's also the baby. So the parents are like Cole, did you put the hot dog in the toilet? And he's like, nope.

Okay. He said nope. Mm hmm. He's also very young. Mm hmm. He's seven. Yeah. And the parents are like, hmm, not super convinced thing.

They're like, but Cole is the tattletale of these cousins, right? They're like, he almost always will come to his parents if Peyton has like broken a cup, called him a baby, breathed in the wrong direction. Right. So they're like, Cole, do you know who put the hot dog in the toilet? Mm hmm. And Cole looks at his parents and he's like, I do not. Hmm.

You know what? I believe Cole. Okay. I feel like my number one suspect now is Peyton. Who would you like to question next? Hmm. You've got Dawn and Hazel, the two girls. Hmm.

I guess Dawn, because Hazel's not even using that bathroom. So no, Dawn's not using that bathroom. Dawn's not. Okay. Then Hazel, Hazel. Okay. Hazel, she's eight and a half. She was interrogated on the patio.

She is a crier. So like she doesn't deal well with confrontation. So immediately when her parents started questioning her older sister, she started crying. So they go out there and they're like, Hazel, no one is in trouble. We just want to know who put the hot dog into the toilet. And she's like, Dawn is always blaming me for things that I didn't do. I ate all of my hot dogs. I would never put a hot dog into the toilet.

Like I cleaned my plate. Dad gave me more and I still ate them. Okay. And the parents are like interesting that you're already going to the fact that Dawn would have accused you. And they're also like, you are right that we often believe Dawn over you, but that's because Dawn is older and usually is right. Right?

Also, I think they say that like a mark of someone that's lying is like they overdo the story. Oh. Yeah. Did you hear, did you know that? I didn't know that. I, I, I probably like some, not true. It's like some.

I'm choosing to believe it wholesale. I saw, I saw like an interview where it was like an FBI, uh, some sort of interrogator person. And they said that like one of the ways that you can tell someone's lying is if they like overdo the story and you know, Hazel is talking about, you know, she ate everything on her plate. Like we're not asking you for all that, you know, you sound a little guilty. So they're like, Hazel, do you know who put the hot dog in the toilet?

Yeah. And Hazel is like, I didn't even know there was a hot dog in the toilet. I have no idea. Okay. Hazel. Okay. Would you like to talk to Don, our oldest cousin? Before I choose who did it.

Yes. Let's talk. Why not talk to Don. Okay. Don's turn. She comes to sit at the kitchen table with her mother and she like looks terrified. She's picking her nails, but she's like a good kid, right? Like obsessed with making good grades, very kind.

They're like, Don, did you put the hot dog into the toilet? And she's like, no. And if I had, it would have been an accident and there would have been no reason to hide it from you. And I would have either retrieved it or I would have asked for help. And the parents are like, you know what? That does track that you would do that, but they also know that Don has intentionally created problems in the past to get Hazel into trouble.

Did she say, did she pull Hazel into it? And they're like, hmm, Don, do you know who put the hot dog in the toilet? And Hazel is like, I don't, but Hazel and Cole were the only other kids eating hot dogs. Who do you think is guilty? I don't trust any of these children. They sound like schemers and liars. They sound like they're from Pusan.

I'm just kidding. First, you defended them and now you're turning on them. Yeah, I'm turning on them. I, you know, like, I, like, this is, this is what it feels like to be a parent, I feel like too. It's like, sometimes I'm like, I love, I love my son so much. And then I'm like, this is no, um, I, I truly feel like my gut is telling me it's Cole. You know, he's already lying about the cookies.

Unless I still think it's maybe, you know, the grandpa and grandpa did give Cole those cookies and he lied about it to make him look like he was a liar. And then he threw the hot dog in there to like, maybe grandpa is the chaos agent in this family. So that is a good point. And something that we should address is like, I've kind of assumed that a child is to blame up until this point. Yeah.

Is there any reason to think about the other adults? Do you think? Or should we just ignore them? I, I don't know. I would, I would say the only one that would do it is grandpa because it sounds like one of those like chevy, chevy chase pranks that, you know, back in the old days, dads would do pranks like that. And then you'd be like, yeah, like to traumatize us.

It's like, your cat's dead and like, like fly a toupee on a sticker. And then it's like, now I'm really sad, but thanks. I guess that's funny. Good prank, dad, as you wipe your tears away. But I, okay, my money is on Cole. I think it's Cole. Okay. This is exactly the conclusion that all the adults come to, right?

Like they're like, the hot dog gets removed from the toilet, obviously, like it's fine. But the parents are all like, it's so funny that none of these kids would rat each other out, right? They're like, this is a really funny scenario. Like we just want to know who did it. Like why did you put a hot dog into a toilet with one bite out of it? That is a ridiculous thing to do. All the parents are like, it's Cole, like a hundred percent are little like chaos child.

But there's like no confession. And also like they were never really going to do anything about this anyway. So they're just like the upstairs bathroom is clogged. None of you can go there. Like it's off limits for the rest of the trip. That's fine. They'll all just use the downstairs bathroom. I feel like I'm judging myself for thinking bad things about these children,

because like if I think it's Cole, I'm like, that's sad. Little boys get like a bad rat. Well, they're all adults now, for what it's worth. Oh, no, I mean, like, yeah, yeah, like if I was judging the children. I'm guessing that there's like a twist, like a twist, like a surprise ending and it's Hazel. Like there's no way it's anyone else. It's either Hazel or Cole. Do you think the adults should do anything at this point?

No, I mean, it's just like, I don't know. Kids, you know, I don't know. This kind of stuff happens to me every day. And I'm just like, I just got to let it go. I don't even know. Yeah. That's basically what they do. They're like our operating assumption is that it's Cole and he's the culprit slash hotdog vandal. And like, yeah, eventually someone will confess.

And in the meantime, this is just a funny story. Yeah. So what happens is this hotdog story becomes like family lore, right? The like joke story scandal, whatever you want to believe about it of the hotdog becomes like a family joke. So every year at Christmas, the family like brings up the hotdog incident and the whole story is retold and the whole event is rehashed in detail. Like people are requesting the story at Christmas. Every time they're serving hotdogs, they're like, don't put it in the toilet, right?

Like on and on and on. You know what I would do? What? I would take a bite out of a hotdog and throw in the toilet every year. And then I wouldn't tell anybody that I did it. And then it would all over again. Every year they'd be like, oh, my God, it happened again. Who did it every year?

And then like, like keep it a secret until my death, take it to the grave. That would be a really good prank. That is not what happened in this family. All that happens in this family is we rehash the story. Everyone settles on it being Cole every year. Yeah. And to Cole's credit, he is like a good sport about this, right? Like he laughs when people point at him, but he never confesses. Every year he denied, deny, denies.

He repeats his alibi that the whole time he was just eating cookies downstairs. Wow. Everyone is like, we don't believe you, but it's nice of you to be like a good sport about all this like rousing that we're doing. Yeah. But there was one time that everyone in the family kind of questioned their resolve that it was Cole. The family was like having a big, you know, outside game day or something.

And they split everyone up into teams, right? They like drew names out of a hat, split everyone into teams. Don and Hazel were on the same team. They were both high schoolers by this point. And every team had to choose their own name. OK. Don and Hazel chose the name. We didn't put the hot dog in the toilet. Yes.

Do you think this is a signifier of guilt? I know. I think I believe women. So no. Wow. Classic. I mean, but someone who doesn't believe women is Cole. Cole yells, aha. And he's like, you did it. Why? Why is that an admission of guilt? Because to Cole, he's like, he's like, you keep bringing it up. Like the fact that you need to like reinforce this is telling to me.

That's a very good point, Cole. Cole immediately creates anarchy, right? Like everyone is like yelling. Cole is like, this is basically a confession. Like they basically put it in there like we all know now. And he's like having fun with it. It's not like bad vibes. Yeah. All the cousins are older by this point, right?

So they're all like having a blast with this. They're all like, no, Cole, you did it. Yeah. One uncle is like drunk. And so he's like trying to interrogate the cousins again. Right. Like he's like, tell your story again. But still nobody confesses. OK. That's the most mildest drunk uncle story I've ever heard. I know. Same.

He got he the uncle got drunk and then he asked them again. Who put the hot dog? I was like, I thought the story was going to go really south. No, no, no. OK. Everyone's having a great time. Grandpa is having like the best time of all, right? He's laughing super hard. I'm telling you, it's grandpa.

He's like, honestly, the twenty five hundred dollars this cost was worth it. It cost twenty five hundred dollars. All the cousins are like, what cost twenty five hundred dollars? Turns out the hot dog was not just placed in the toilet. It was put in the toilet and flushed. Oh, God. And the hot dog did flush, but it was a whole hot dog with a bun. And so the bun was saturated with water and expended. I feel like this detail was very important with the bun.

That is a whole different story. The hot dog got stuck in the pipes and like the pipes were very old, right? Like whoever flushed the hot dog's credit, like the pipes were old. They probably needed to be replaced anyway, but they had to be replaced like immediately after Christmas because of this. This information, of course, creates more chaos because now all the cousins are like, oh, this is why you wanted to know who flushed it.

Right. Because it was like actually a financial problem. I see. Yes. The drunk uncle is like, can the hot dog even be flushed? He's like, I don't know that I like believe this. Do you think that a hot dog and his bun could fit into a toilet and be flushed? Yes. 100 percent. I've seen bigger things, squeezes into smaller holes is all I'm going to say about that. Yes. So everyone's debating, though,

because the uncle is so convinced that a hot dog couldn't fit in there. He has not experimented in the bedroom. I know. The uncle is yelling. He's like, how do we even know the hot dog did it? Right. He's like, the pipes are really old. Oh, so there might not have even did anyone see the hot dog? Grandpa. Exactly. By the end of the tournament, no one had confessed still.

And the children are teenagers, so they have like, you know, a sense of, you know, moral, a moral compass to obtain clarity, maybe. Yeah. And like, who care to say it? Yeah. The next opportunity to confess yeah, was when Grandpa began to die. Oh, God. The kids are like, oh, my God, this is horrible. Grandpa, he was very old. His sickness progressed quickly.

It's OK, right? It's fine. All the cousins were coming to pay their respects, right? Hazel goes in first and immediately Grandpa is like. Did you flush the hot dog? And he's like saying it and a funny voice. But Hazel's like, no, I didn't flush the hot dog. And he's like, do you know I have to know? And she's like, no, I don't know who did it.

Oh, my God. So Don goes in after her. She comes out and Hazel's like, did he ask you about the hot dog? And Don's like, yeah. Mm hmm. And then Cole goes in and then Peyton goes in and he asks all of them whether or not they were the one that flushed the hot dog. And everyone is like, I told him it wasn't me.

I told him I didn't know. Mm hmm. So all of the parents and the cousins are like, that's crazy. Like no one confessed to this man on his deathbed who wanted to know whether the hot dog had been flushed and by who. It was only at the funeral a couple of weeks later that the grandma mentions that the grandpa had told her that the hot dog flasher had finally confessed on his deathbed.

I see. Right, right, right. And everyone in the family is like, what tell us? Like, who was it? And the grandma's like, he wouldn't tell me. He said he'd earned it. I'm telling you, it was grandpa and he did it as a joke. I think the uncle's onto something.

I think maybe there wasn't even a hot dog. The pipes just burst. And then he took that secret to the grave. It was like a joke, a little grandpa joke. You know, they really like to overdo the jokes. They really take it there. OK, so all of this family backstory brings us to last Christmas. OK, it's been either 25 or 30 years

since the hot dog incident, depending on who you believe. OK, all the cousins are in there like late 20s, early 30s. Dawn is now a nurse. She has two kids. She's married. She lives extremely close to her sister, Hazel, who also got married a couple of summers ago and is like pursuing a career as a lawyer.

Very adult. Because they live close together at carpool so that Hazel could help her sister, Dawn, with the kids and stuff. Right. Right. And I now we're a drive to Christmas. Because Christmas has now downsized from grandma's house because grandma moved into, like, someone else's house. They have Christmas at Peyton and Cole's parents' house.

So Dawn and Hazel and their spouses and the kids arrived the night before Christmas Eve. Nobody else is there. They're the first ones there. So they settle in, they eat dinner. And after dinner, the husbands take the kids up to put them to bed. And Dawn and Hazel settle in on the patio furniture with their aunt to have some wine.

Classic holiday time. Yeah. You know, they have two or three or four or five wines. It's unclear. Wow. Who's to say? Five wines. At this point, someone makes a hot dog joke. Oh, no.

And Dawn is like, come on. We all know who it was. Yeah. And Hazel's like, yeah, obviously it was Cole. Uh-huh. And the aunt takes a sip of wine and she is like, which one of you is going to confess? And Dawn and Hazel are like, what?

And the aunt is like, yeah, grandpa was convinced from the very beginning that it was one of you two. Huh. I just assumed that one of you confessed. Dawn is like, what? No. And Hazel's like, you're joking. Like, there's no way everyone believed this. And he's like, no, I'm not joking.

I'm dead serious. Everyone believes that one of you two did it. OK. So maybe this was caused by the team name. Maybe Cole, like, successfully switched their allegiances. But grandpa from the beginning was like, it's one of the two girls. Wow. So if you're Hazel and you've spent all of these years assuming it's Cole.

Are you now suspicious of your sister? Yeah, I would be. Wait, Hazel is the person that told the story and she said that it's not her. Yeah, but like, who cares? Grandpa thought it was one of the girls. You know what I mean? Like, I don't I don't understand.

I don't understand the whole naming of the sports team is confessing that that part. I'm like so lost, but I still think it's Cole. Hazel's like racking her brain and she's like, you know, like, Cole really was eating a lot of cookies that day. Like, she's like, could his alibi be real? Could he have been eating cookies the whole time? I don't know. I mean, I guess like, honestly, at this point,

I feel like it could be anybody. Yeah. So Hazel's like, well, her aunt goes inside and she's like, obviously, I have to confront my sister because I'm like, you fucking flush the hot dog like after 25 years of being silent. So they're both like, did you do it? No, did you do it? No. And they're both like kind of heated because they're like,

did you, my only sister, trick me for 25 years into believing it was Cole? Right. But they're both like, no, it wasn't me. And like, if you're going to confess, this is the moment to confess, right? Like to your sister or the deathbed. Yeah. Or the grandpa's deathbed. Exactly. So they're both like laughing because they're like, this is like an ultimate betrayal and an ultimate gag. They're like, no, it wasn't me.

So the aunt comes back and they're both like crying, laughing because they're like, it wasn't us. Like we were, it wasn't us. And the aunt shrugs, but it's like very clear she does not believe them. Wow. She does not believe women. She doesn't. Huh. The next day is Christmas Eve. Grandma arrives in the morning.

She has like presents for the kids. Don and Hazel's parents arrive with more. Cole arrives in the afternoon. He's like clearly hungover, right? He's like wearing a band T-shirt, sunglasses and baseball cap. He has brought the children's silly string. This immediately endears him to all of the children and also creates a giant mess. Because the kids are using the silly string and Cole is just like laughing and laughing.

Cole still loves chaos. Yeah, he loves chaos. The chaos is so like overwhelming that no one even notices when Peyton like walks in. In the meantime, Peyton has like gone to a fancy college in the Northeast. He arrives with his luggage like straight from the airport wearing a crisp button up shirt. He's like in DC and working, you know, for like some Democrat like Pete Buttigieg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone is like thrilled to see him because he hasn't been home for Christmas in three years.

So everyone's like our like prodigal son has returned, right? They're like, yeah, great. So when the hot dogs and hamburgers are made for dinner, it's like time to retell this whole story, right? Oh, God, they retell the whole story this year. Like the kids are finally old enough to like appreciate the story. And so the kids are like screen laughing and they're like, which one of you did it? And they're like, we think it's cool, right?

The kids even are like, it has to be Uncle Cole, like it's yeah. So after dinner, the four cousins retreat to the patio. Yeah. And it's like, you know, it's weird to be an adult. It's like you're still young enough to stay up late on Christmas Eve and like drink wine, but you're also like old enough that you now have to assemble a bicycle because you're Santa. Right. And you're you've had five wines. Yes. So they're like having their wine.

Hazel and Don are like not doing a great job of assembling this bicycle, but their husbands have like gone to bed. So Cole takes over. It's like perhaps one or two a.m. very late. Yeah. Black sky. There's one light that is like by the back door. And he's assembling a bicycle and that like assembling a bicycle. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like making fun of Hazel and Don because he's like, you are both like drunk and you're lying on the concrete and you're being absolutely useless in helping assemble this bicycle. Yeah. And so they're all like laughing, giddy. When from the chair, they hear a whisper and it came out so easily, like he had it bottled up and it just like slipped out like a little fart. And he goes, I was the one that flushed the hot dog. Is it Peyton? It's Peyton.

I knew it. Something he's so with his little lies. I can't believe that. Damn, you know, I identified. This is why I felt bad for accusing Cole earlier. I identify as a coal. I am the hot mess chaos agent in my family, but I never lie.

Obviously, I lie all the time, but like I don't like lie like that. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, I don't lie like that. I'm like, very honest. If someone's like, did you do something? I'm like, yes or no, whatever. Yeah. Peyton, for me, Peyton feels like a cancer and cancers like to lie or like a Virgo.

You know, it's like they look very organized, but they're actually like as a Virgo. Yes. Right. We're all scheming at all times. Yeah, conniving little everyone is like having to hold a hand over their mouth, right, because it's two in the morning. And like your cousin has just confessed to a two decade old like family mystery. Cole like stands up and he walks over to Peyton, who he is now bigger than. And Peyton has his like back to the lantern.

So his like face is a whole shadow. Yeah. Cole is like, you little shithead. And he like locks Cole in a headlock. And he's like, you made me take the blame for this for decades. I'm going to say that this is that's traumatic. I mean, because like the whole like idea of like the hot mess kid taking the fall for the conniving Virgo kid, like that that's like Trump.

Like, yeah, that's horrible. Yeah. And Cole is like laughing, but he's like, I'm not letting you go until you tell us everything. Let's hear it, Peyton. So Peyton tells them that he had decided on this Christmas Eve, that he was like tired of feeling left out of the family. Like he felt like he was the kid that was different from all the other kids. And he was like, I don't like this.

I don't like being different from all the other kids. I'm going to try to not be a vegetarian anymore. And so he got himself a hot dog and he's not get into his room and he tried it, but he didn't like it and he didn't want to admit to having tried and not liked it. And he didn't want to be accused of wasting food. So he tried to flush it. Oh my gosh.

Of course, that makes so much sense. Why? So like, why was he keeping it a secret all this time? For what reason? The cousins love this. They're like having a blast, right? They're like, he finally confessed after 25 years. We all thought it was Cole. I briefly thought it was my own sister.

But it turns out it's Peyton. It's hilarious. So now they have to have a debate as the four of them. And the debate is this. Do you tell the rest of the family? No, they don't deserve. The cousins decide that they're going to tell. And their reasoning for this is that they're like,

Cole is going to keep getting shit for this for generations. That's true. If we don't tell. And they're like, you know what, as a like. Present to him, we will allow him to tell, right? Like he gets to tell them that Peyton has confessed. Yeah. So at Christmas lunch, the next afternoon, they're all like gathered around the table,

right? Peyton has this like special veggie casserole. Everyone else has their like ham. They're eating merrily. All the cousins are like exchanging glances, but nobody says a word. No, Cole waits for dessert. He waits till like everyone has their little pie and they're seated. Everyone in this family are such edge lords. My God, I can barely handle one minute of the story.

And they're like 15 years later. He waited until dessert. Oh, my God, I can't deal with this dessert. And he like knocks his little knife on his glass and he stands up and clears his throat. And he's like, I just wanted to make a very important announcement. It has come to my attention that Peyton and he points at Peyton. He's like Peyton flushed the hot dog. Wow.

Everyone gasps, right? Like everyone is laughing. Hazel and Don are like crying. They're laughing so hard. And the parents look at Peyton and they're like, Peyton, did you flush the hot dog? Like, is this true? And Peyton, deadpan, looks at the table and goes, you're going to believe him over me? Oh, God, of course he works in politics.

So apparently overnight, he had some kind of like change of mind or he decided to prolong the drama. And so now there's anarchy because by digging in his heels, Cole is now like discrediting his own position, right? Because he's like, no, Peyton told us. And like Hazel and Don are like also confirming that Peyton told him. But all the parents are like, we don't know who to believe in this scenario. Like it's equally as likely to us that the three of you banded together

to blame the only person who hasn't been blamed here. There's a lot of like psychological manipulation in this family, I feel like. Yes. And also, I think on the parents part, they're like, we like the drama of not knowing who it is. So it doesn't matter to us. I like how this family is doing like a fun prank. And I'm like, it's full of narcissists and sociopaths. And they're just like having family fun.

I'm like, I don't like any of this. They're all Cole's, really. If you think about it. They're all Cole's cash at heart. Think about it. So the family loved Christmas that year, like just as unsure of who flushed the toilet as before. But the cousins know that it was Peyton. Yeah.

Who do you think is the villain of this story? Who do I think is a villain? Definitely Peyton. Because, okay, think about this. All the years that people are like shitting on Cole, he's sitting there. Yep. Like, blah, blah, blah, like that takes like a level of like, like, like you have like zero empathy.

So you don't think it's grandpa anymore. You've revoked grandpa as villain character. I think I was, you know, I was being unfair to grandpa. I was, you know, I think he was just being fair. I had like images of my own, you know, Korean families screaming at me, but he sounds like just like a very calm, nice man. And he didn't get that mad, even though it cost him $2,500. Which is a lot of money in the 1990s.

Yeah. Because if that was my household, somebody was going to get slapped with a wooden spoon. Yes, I think it's definitely Peyton by a mile. He's definitely the villain. I don't trust him. I don't know if there's any, yeah, I think it's definitely Peyton hands down. We have been told that the plan is that this Christmas, Peyton has some kind of plan to announce that he was the hot dog.

Flusher. Oh God, you know, he's going to not do it again. That's my question for you is, do you think he's going to do it? No. Why? Because he doesn't, I don't, he enjoys this. He enjoys the suffering of others. But now is the time to do your perfect prank,

which is to put the hot dog in the toilet again next year. I would do, if I was picking up. Okay, wait. I just realized that I just said that I would do this prank to my own family. And then I'm like, Peyton sucks. So like now I'm like, wait, I was like, I would, I would totally do something like this. Wait a minute.

Oh yeah, well, this is a thing. I would do something like this because it's funny. But I think I would, I would stop the moment that like my sibling was getting, you know, like all the blame, even though, even if it was a joke. From what we've heard, it seems like it was always good-hearted and then Cole was like really good at just like being the villain. So I do understand on some level the idea of being like, this is just a fun thing that we're all doing, right?

And it seems like a lot of people thought it was Hazel and Don. So like maybe from Peyton's perspective, they were constantly talking about Hazel and Don. And from Hazel and Don's perspective, they were only talking about Cole. That makes so much sense. But yeah, like, but this is the thing though, if even if you know, if you were Cole and you know, it was like lighthearted and funny, you would know, like at the core, the adults truly thought that you were a little shit.

And like they had decided, and I think that that would like psychologically damage you to a certain extent. Do you know what I mean? Like even if they were being nice about it. Yeah, I do know what you mean. And if I was his brother, Peyton, I'd be like, that's messed up. I don't want him to like, I want to tell my parents like sometimes it's the one wearing a suit, you know?

So true. That is the moral, maybe the moral of this story is that sometimes it's the one in the suit. And then the parents would have learned the lesson back in the 90s that, you know, sometimes the square is up to no good. So true. Yeah. Youngly, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It was a joy to have you.

Thank you so much for having me. I was on the edge of my seat. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossipatdefector.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com.

You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media at McKinney-Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Sudrong Loughlin. Defectors projects editor is Justin Ellis. Our editor-in-chief is Tom Lay. Jay Tolviera is our production assistant. And thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively-owned subscriber-based media company.

Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney and Remember. You did not hear this from me.