Normal Gossip - The CHAIR SAGA with Hannah Giorgis

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

The esteemed Hannah Giorgis returns for a tale about what happens when your cousin is too rich for your own good. Many of you will remember Hannah from our D.C. live shows last winter! Follow Hannah on IG @hannahgiorgis PSA: This is the SEVENTH of ten episodes this season! You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com. Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/ Episode transcript here. Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs). Diana Moskovitz is our story editor. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jae Towle Vieira is our production assistant. Show art by Tara Jacoby. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Credits recorded by Lex Rountree.

Hey, Kelsey McKinney here. I'm excited to share that our fellow radio topia show, The Stoop, is back with a new season. The Stoop is an award-winning podcast that tells stories from across the Black diaspora. Journalists Lila Day and Hana Baba dig deep into Black life through reporting, conversations, and personal storytelling to talk about things

that aren't always shared in the open. I can't wait for their takes on the word auntie or being called out for not being able to speak the languages of your culture. In season nine, there's also a very intimate conversation with a mom and daughter about succession planning. They get into Black psychedelic culture and so much more. The Stoop, it's where you let your guard down

and just get real. Every other Thursday, wherever you get your podcasts and follow them on Instagram at atthestooppodcast. Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. In each episode of this podcast, we're gonna bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.

Today, I am so excited to have with me Hana Georges. Hana is a staff writer at The Atlantic. Her criticism and reporting have appeared in publications including the New York Times Magazine, The Guardian, Travel and Leisure, Taste Cooking, and Pitchfork. She also co-wrote Ida B. The Queen,

The Extraordinary Life and Legacy of Ida B. Wells, a dedication to the pioneering American journalist and advocate with Wells's great-granddaughter, Michelle Duster. Hana's short stories have appeared in the lifted-brow literary journal Spook Magazine and the Audis Ababa Noir anthology, where her story, a double-edged inheritance,

was shortlisted for the 2022 A.K.O. Cain Prize for African-writing Hana. One, hell yeah, incredible bio. Two, welcome. Thank you, thank you. That was deeply embarrassing to sit through, but I'm thrilled to be here nonetheless. Well, that's the goal, you know?

We try to embarrass all of our guests first off and just really get them into the spirit. How are you doing? You know what, I'm great. This pollen cannot get me down. I'm here. You're a survivor? Yeah, I am.

I'm gonna get some local honey later and feel great. I'm sure. Yeah. Oh, I love that. Hana told me beforehand that she went to the South and got just attacked by some Southern pollens, so you're really brave for being here today. Thank you.

I appreciate you. Thank you, thank you. Nobody is braver than me, yes. Not one person. Do you wanna start me off with our first classic question and tell me what your relationship is with Gossip? I can, I sure can. The listeners who have not heard this answer

at the DC show are dying. They have to know. Yes, and it's great. It's so much easier to say this without my mom in the audience. Yeah, luckily this podcast is private, so she'll never hear it. Oh yeah, never.

So I don't know if you know, but I grew up in an Ethiopian household. What? I know, I know. This is really shocking information. So yeah, breaking that here. But I grew up experiencing gossip as something that in particular women do as a,

just as a method of social connection, right? As a thing to do while you're making coffee, which is a sort of very involved process and the men are kind of in the other room discussing politics, which is also gossip, just that just doesn't get called gossip. Yeah, super kind. Right, but there was simultaneously also,

I think kind of a moralization around it, especially like in super Christian and kind of churchy spaces, right? Like we don't talk about people even though I think the basis of a lot of social conversations surrounding churches is in fact deeply moralizing and deeply like gossip driven, right?

So it was simultaneously a thing that I knew to be this like powerful and sort of lovely and lighthearted way of connecting with other people and also demonizes being kind of inherently evil. I mean, I don't know if you know this, but I am extremely white. I know, it's crazy, it's wild. But you started off by saying

that you grew up in an Ethiopian household. Were both of those morals that you were obtaining both from the Christian side and the Ethiopian side happening in the same room at the same time? Oh yeah, because I went to an Ethiopian church. Right, so like everything was really enmeshed, right? So like the people that you're going to like graduations

and birthday parties and yada yada for are often the same people who you see either at your church or at like one of two other Ethiopian churches kind of in the area. So everything was sort of hyper connected. And I think in a lot of ways, what Ethiopian people, at least in diaspora, tend to think of as like quote unquote Ethiopian culture

is really driven by certain kinds of like Christian or sort of like Abrahamic ways of relating to each other, right? And that's not fully true, but it is I think a shorthand that a lot of people use. So how did that kind of like conflict play out where you have people both using gossip as a connective tool and at the same time,

kind of with the other side of their face saying like this is a immoral problem. Right. So like gossip was something that was used and my mom did this a lot as gossip was framed as okay, if it's being used to impart a lesson, right? So she would sort of. Okay.

She would sort of do. That's what actually this is a moral podcast. It's about learning the morals of life. So I agree. It's a good place as a podcast. So she would do a lot of like, so somebody we know, I won't tell you who, their son, dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah.

You know, and there was always some sort of neat moral at the end of it, which is like, this is why you should stay close to your family. Because this thing happened to this person. I'm not going to tell you who it was, even though I'm going to give you like some details that if you sat down for two minutes and kind of had some red string

would quickly figure out who it is. Right. But because this is being framed as like a teaching tool, a parable, right? Like that it's fine. It's not talking about people. It's sort of, you know, teaching your kids how to show up in the world.

And for me, that was always really frustrating, especially the older I got because I wanted the story. I want the narrative. I want to know the key players. I want to know the, like, what created the scene? I don't want to get to the moral of it. I actually don't care about the moral at all.

Moral, schmoral. And so naturally, of course, I would like make a game of like trying to figure out who the people were and be like, is it this person? Is it that? Will you tell me if I get it? Yeah, obviously. And that was really, I imagine that was extremely annoying to deal with.

Love her so much. Love you, mom. Yes, we love you. I'm sorry that you had to go through that struggle of trying to figure out who those people were. That sounds extremely difficult for you. Nobody is braver than me. Everyone is saying that all the time. So has your relationship with gossip changed since then?

Yes. You're not asking all your friends, like, but what's the moral? What's the moral here? I know I don't agree with that. No. No, I do. I still really, really value and appreciate the narrative

kind of separate of the moral element, right? So to me, it's like how deeply and how richly can my friend tell this story about this thing that happened? So like some of my favorite gossip that has absolutely nothing to do with me, or like that has nothing to do with the person who I'm telling it to, right?

Yeah, that's true. This is a little bit of a day version from our gossip talk, but it's important to talk about your passions on your podcast and a passion that you and I share is for Facebook Marketplace. And I would just like to talk about it briefly, like why you love it. First, tell the people why we are Facebook Marketplace heads,

the two of us. It's just so weird. Okay, so there's a practical reason I love it, right? Which is that like in a city like New York, which is where I live, people are always moving and because people are always moving, they're always trying to offload their stuff and kind of pricing it at sort of ridiculously low prices

that you just would not, right? So there's the like practical, I'm a person who does not want to pay a million dollars to furnish an apartment element, right? And also the sort of like sustainability, it does feel nicer to do a small, small part in helping this planet not be on fire as rapidly, but there's just something deeply, deeply strange

about it too, right? Sometimes people post stuff, and I do this with my friends a lot, where I'll just send them a link to something and like I have no interest in getting it, I don't think they should get it, but I'm like, what went on here? What does the rest of this space look like?

I want to know who got this, what they had it for, why they're getting rid of it. And sometimes people actually do put that stuff in the description. Sometimes like people, there will be a rare sort of like juicy moment here or there where somebody will like be posting like a ring and will be like, I don't need it anymore here.

I hope somebody has a better experience with it than I did. And you see that kind of stuff for like rigs, dresses, but also stuff that's like completely mundane. I don't know, I feel like I've seen people do that with like a nightstand, but like this, my like cheating ex got me this and so now it has to go.

And I'm like, oh, okay. I could have just known, you know, the specs, but sure, like that's fine. The first of the things that I saw on Facebook Marketplace this week that I have written down to tell you about is that I saw a woman on Facebook Marketplace giving away an entire collection of sports jerseys,

like a hundred sports jerseys. And the description was like, it was a picture of each sports jersey. And the description was like, come get them in the next three hours, no questions asked. And I was like, oh no. There's a story there and I have questions. I'm like, what happened here?

I feel like sometimes it's a little, you know, I think we can write some of those stories ourselves, but sometimes you can't and you want, you need to know. And you can never ask people. I recently bought a lamp from a woman and she brought it to me and she said that her new, like her new partner moved in

and said that the lamp had bad vibes. Sometimes lamps have bad vibes. I was like, but why? Don't question it. But now I have the lamp. It doesn't seem to have bad vibes to me. So maybe I'm wrong, but today's story does have a furniture connection.

So that's why we're doing this, but I also just thought it would be fun. Do you have anything else that you'd like to say about Facebook Marketplace or our adventures in thrifting? Yeah, it's where I always see gossip chairs. Have we talked about gossip benches? We have, but I haven't on the show. So let's discuss them.

I'm obsessed with them. Me too. There's no place in my apartment for me to put one. And also I think it's like pretty impractical to actually have in my home. Also some of them are very expensive, which is interesting. Sorry, just describe the gossip benches

for the people who may not know. So it's just like if you take the kinds of desks that you might have sat at in elementary school where there's a surface, a table directly in front of the seat that's attached, a gossip bench sort of takes that and just puts it to the side of the seat instead of in front of you.

So the idea being that you sit down on the chair and then can rest your arm on the attached little table that also has your rotary phone and the notepad or whatever where you're taking notes about the gossip. You can do your gabin. Yeah.

And it's just, it's all right there for you. But they're very cute and I'm constantly getting like little Victorian gossip chairs in my feed. They're so cute. I love them. Again, no place to put it, deeply impractical. If anyone has any ideas of things to do with them,

please tell us because we would like to use them. Yes. But they're very, I like them too because they are, we're clearly so practical for so long, right? Like they have a slot for the phone book in them, which I find adorable. And I'm like, I want, I want it. I want a phone book,

but then also I have a cell phone. Correct. And I'm like, what would it look like to innovate around the way that we gossip now? I don't know. Ooh. Are there some designers who can tell us? That's a fun question.

What can we do? Is that like, is the modern version of innovating around the way we gossip now? Just those like weird things that clip onto something and hold your phone for you. Oh God, it might be. Like maybe. I feel like we can do better than that.

Something a little more luxurious. Hanna, would you like to do some gossip for ready to move on from all this furniture chat to more furniture chat? Yes, gossip furniture, let's go. For today's gossip story, we are going West Coast baby, like California, big sun, big ocean, sky high rents. Let's go.

Tapping into my Anaheim roots. That's it. Hell yeah. Our friend of a friend, we'll call her Malia. Okay, Malia. She lives in a big West Coast city. Sure. She has one of those jobs

for this project, and she's been doing it for a long time. She's been doing it for a long time. She's been doing it for a long time. She's been doing it for a long time. One of those jobs for the city that has a name like Comptroller, where it's important,

but I don't know what it is. Right. Which means she works all the time and is not paid very well. Right, deeply unsexy. Yes, she makes enough money to make rent, but not enough money to go on vacation. Right.

Is this relatable to you? Oh, been there, yeah, sure. Yeah. And you would want that from a job? I certainly would. I certainly would, from having to say Comptroller all the time. Exactly.

And this was like fine for a little while, but now she has a baby. She's this cute little baby. His name is Ezra. Ezra. And this has made like her job working for the city harder than before, because she and her partner, Irma,

never sleep. Okay. They love Ezra so much, but now they're like back at work. It's exhausting. It's like true second shift problem. Babies are tough. It really is.

One day, Malia is feeding Ezra. She's like playing Sudoku on her phone when her phone rings. Okay. And the phone says Ronnie at the top. Uh-oh. But Malia knows like in her heart that she's not supposed to call her Ronnie anymore.

She's supposed to call her Veronica. Oh, I was hoping that's what we were going. Yes. Okay. Why? A story where like we got a Veronica who goes by Ronnie. I'm already in. First of all, also so much better than the other.

If it had been Ronald, then it would have been a man. That's no fun. I know. Great. Ronnie, Veronica, I'm in. Veronica is Malia's cousin. Okay. They were like thickest thieves growing up, right?

Like always playing pranks on the other cousins, always like begging to spend the night at each other's houses. Neither of them had sisters. And because they like lived in the same metro area, they were like each other's sisters, right? Yeah. They played on the same little league team. They went to each other's proms.

They studied for exams together. They went to the same prestigious state school. Okay. Besties. Besties. I'm in. On the drive up to state school freshman year. He looks at Malia and is like,

I want to be called by Veronica now. Okay. And I want to lie about what neighborhood we grew up in. Oh. Okay. What? Why are you making that face? I just have questions.

You know why? To what end? For whom? Yes. Would you have done it? Maybe as a bit. We love a bit. I'm not going to say no immediately,

but I can't guarantee that I'll stick to it. Malia was like, why? Right? And Ronnie was like, well, I just think we'll have more opportunities at state school if we are like a little vague about like where we came from. Sure.

I mean, vague and lying are different things. I can address vague. Yeah. And Malia was like, she's my best friend. She's my cousin. I love her whatever. Like if she's lying,

I'm lying with her. That's how this works. Right. And honestly, this was fine. People thought that Ronnie and Malia had more money than they did, which was pretty helpful. They got into a fancier sorority. They made like new friends,

the world like opened before them. Like, you know, when you come around the turn and the ocean is right in front of you. Right? So it goes. Their last year of college, Ronnie started dating this guy. All the way through college.

Okay. All the way through college. Wow. That's impressive. So I would have abandoned that after like orientation. I would have made it like four days max before some before I got outed for like not knowing a normal brand. Exactly.

Exactly. Last year of college, Ronnie started dating this guy. He seemed like totally normal, right? Kind eyes, very sweet demeanor. He was always trying to set Malia up with his sisters, which she found like very cute, but also annoying. Right. He's always talking about the amount of money

they have to pay for things in a way that like Malia thought made it seem like he was trying to seem richer than he was. Oh, okay. Right? Like he's always talking about like how much he works and how he changes his own oil and like all of this stuff. Okay. Sure.

And Malia was just like. Got it. Exactly. And Malia was just like rolling her eyes at this, but like whatever Ronnie seemed happy, they seemed really happy together. I guess. It wasn't until they got married,

Ronnie and Ronnie and this guy, like several years after college, that Malia realized he wasn't pretending to be richer than he was. He was pretending to be poorer than he was. Oh, no, I hate him. I hate him. This man was like rich, rich. I was already ready to name him the antagonist of the story.

Just on principle, honestly, but I'm, I'm digging in. Okay. Tell me why? Because he's a man. Like why is he the first man to name you? Okay. Yeah. So that A, there's that.

Well, he doesn't have a name because I didn't give him a name. You're right. And he. Thank you. Okay. All the space he's already taking up in my head as though he had one. I know. No, because it seems like he was going to get between,

if the lying didn't get between the two of them, then it seems like something had to and it's got to be this man. So I'm strapped in. This man is so rich, like very rich, which means that Veronica is now also like rich, rich. Have you ever like had this dynamic in your life where you were forced to interact or be a family or other means with someone who was much wealthier than you? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That was my college experience. Okay. Yeah. It's a, it's, it's a thing. And that was my first, that was actually my first thought when you said he always mentioned how much stuff costs.

Cause I think that it's a uniquely rich person thing to do, to send you the Venmo request for like $5 or to, right? Yeah. And I've certainly dealt with and experienced a lot of that, which makes my teeth itch. I don't know. I feel like it took me so long to figure that out, right? Like there were people I thought me the same amount of money as me until like my mid 20s.

Then only later was I like, oh, oh, no, this, you're playing a very different game. So I understand how she made it so far. Sure. The problem is Veronica forgot what it was like to make a normal amount of money almost immediately. Oh, sure. And so this is the divide between them. It's not really him. Got it.

It's that she like doesn't have to have a super real job anymore and doesn't pay rent and doesn't like really live in the world. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So Malia still like loves Veronica, but like with every passing year, they're like a little further apart. Yeah.

How could they not be? Sure. So she's feeding the baby Ronnie is calling. Do you answer the phone? How late is it? It's a normal time. Okay. Sure.

Yeah. It's a thing to do. I'll answer the phone. Okay. So she answers her phone. They chat for a few minutes before Veronica gets to like clearly the point of her calling and she's like, my husband and I are going abroad for Labor Day for like the whole week. Love that.

Sure. She's like, do you want to come stay at my house and like plant sit and stay in my fancy house? Are there conditions? I feel like conditions are coming. You have to plant sit. Oh, sure. Malia is like, Ronnie, I have a job.

Like I can't just like go stay in your house for a week. And Ronnie is like, you never take a vacation. You are always working. You have a baby. Yeah. And Malia is like, yeah, I don't have money for vacations. Like I can't just take a vacation and Ronnie is like, yes, that is why I am offering you my big house for a week with a pool.

Right. I'd hope there was a pool. Yeah. Would you like to do this? What do you think? I would like to do it. I love to spend time for free in retrievals homes without them there. Same.

We are available, actually, both of us. If anybody has a home that they need plants cared for in. Yeah. I'm here. Yeah. I'd like to visit Maine. I don't know about you. Yeah.

Maine is lovely. Go see it. Okay. Malia is like, let me talk to Irma. Like I'm interested, but like let me run it by my partner. So she talks to Irma, like clearly with reservations because she's like, has this little chip on her shoulder, right? She's just, she's like, I don't know about staying at my like cousin's house and Irma

is like, no, fuck yeah, we're going to that house. Yes. Like I'm going to call out of work. You're being crazy. We're going. So Malia calls Ronnie back and is like, we're interested, like we'll do it if you'll still have us. And Ronnie's like, excellent.

Great. If you just like come over the Friday before Labor Day, I can give you like the walkthrough where everything is, you'll be ready to go. Perfect. Do you have any feelings at this point? Well, based on what we know about the nature of this podcast, things are going to get chaotic. So I'm anticipating that, but if I'm in there, but that's, you know, sort of a meta response. If I'm in there, if I'm in their position at this point, I'm just excited.

Mostly. Yeah. Like 99% excited. Yeah. So Malia and Irma and Ezra, they're whole little fam, they have to leave like kind of early on Friday afternoon because there is so much traffic to get to where Ronnie lives because where Ronnie lives is by the ocean. Right.

There's all this traffic because you're going to beach, right? It's beach season. The Labor Day. Forever. The closer they get, the more like amped they're becoming because they're like, it's so beautiful. Right. Like everything that's nice out here, it smells like salt. Right.

Like it's great. From the outside, the house is like kind of unassuming, like think like one story ranch style. Oh yeah. With like a door in the middle. I know a big California house, things are, things are coming. I'm excited. Ronnie opens the front door and through the front door, they can see to the back of the

house, which is all windows, which look right out over the Pacific Ocean. Oh my God. And it is like multiple stories of glass window. Oh my God. Coming in on one story, but there are like two more stories and they all have windows that face the ocean. Okay. Sometimes I understand wealth hoarding.

This house is so nice. Like it's so nice. And in that kind of way where it's like things look like they might be normally priced, but they absolutely are not. Right. There's not a chance. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, oh, this looks like a regular sectional. Correct. Looks totally regular. Right. It's $25,000. Right? Like curtain tassel costs $500. Yeah.

And yeah. Yes. Because it's custom. Why it needs to be, I don't know, but it's custom. Exactly. The dining table is like one big slab of wood. Of course it is. It's redwood, isn't it?

You know, like it just, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It seats like 16. It's live edge. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. You as a furniture girlie, can you imagine other things that might be in this house? Oh gosh. Like, well, it depends on the ambience. What are the options for ambience here? And I'll tell you which one we have. I'm like, are we going like minimal coastal chic? Are we going sort of mid-century modern, but a little coastal?

Yeah. I think it's like mid-century modern, but a little coastal, right? But make it California. Right. So I'm seeing like very strategically placed cane and like retains. Yes. Like not a lot. Not a lot.

That would be tacky. Right. Yes. A little bit here and there that just says, you know, we know where we are geographically. This is cute. This is an homage. Oh gosh. What else?

Chair is obviously custom to go with the table. I feel like photos and art are key. Yeah. Very minimal, but again, definitely super expensive. And I'm really curious about the coffee table situation. Oh, interesting. Yes. Because I'm seeing like an oblong oval marble situation with like fluted legs.

That is exactly the vibe. Yes. Like tri-fluted legs. Yes. And like the coasters match the marble, right? Yes. Like it's like a very sleek look. Exactly.

Yes. Malia has like not been to Ronnie's in a little while because it takes so fucking long to get there. And she has a baby now and she's like, I'm not sitting in traffic with a baby for an hour to go to your house, right? Like that's crazy. Why are you making that face? I think I forgot in my initial enthusiasm about going there for the weekend that they

would be bringing a baby because they have a baby. They do in fact have a baby. Yeah. Which is a very child-free thing of me to have done. Even though you said they have a baby as we were talking about it, you're like a weekend at the beach house. Wee! Perfect.

And then now I'm like, oh no, there's going to be a lot of beige and neutrals and ivory and eggshell and alabaster. And guess who doesn't do well with that? Babies. Okay. That's so true. Suddenly I've, the anxiety has ratcheted up a little bit. Okay.

I still think I would have landed it like you should totally go, but like with reservations. Yes. So one thing that Malia totally forgot about Ronnie's is that there are so many plants at Ronnie's. Think about all those windows, right? Like there are just tons and tons of plants. So as Ronnie is like walking Malia through what she needs to do to sit these plants for a week, Malia is like getting a little overwhelmed.

Of course. I'm sure there's like the biggest fiddle leaf thing you've ever seen in your life. Yes. A bird of paradise that looks like it's outdoors. Yes. The plants are a binder. Oh God. Okay.

Inside the binder are like pictures of the, of the plants and what they look like and descriptions of like how to know if they're sad and ideas for how to help them. I would find that helpful. It is very helpful. It's like a little crazy to have this binder. A little bit. Would I make it? No.

But would I be glad to have it in that scenario? Sure. That is exactly how Malia feels. Malia is like, do I find this a little controlling? Yes. But also I'm scared and I appreciate that this says if this plant is yellow, do this. Correct. Easy.

Most of the plants pretty straightforward, right? Like basic plant shit. Right. But then there are the mounted staghorn ferns. Do you know what these are? I do. You do? I do.

It's such a ridiculous thing to own. They're just like, okay. So when you think of a fern, you probably think of like a sword fern or like a Boston fern, right? That's kind of your. Floppy. On the ground. Floppy, on the ground or like a lot of people have them like hanging in baskets.

Yes. Right. Like awning of a restaurant there outside, you know, creating this cute little vibe. Staghorn. Oh, sorry to any fans of the mounted staghorn fern who are listening, but that is extremely not my shit. Everybody's got to have a hater today. It's me.

It's me. I'm your lone hater. Okay. It's both of us. Sorry. You have two haters. It's like, okay. So like think of creepy taxidermy like a deer, you know, antlers like jutting out of a wooden

plaque on the wall. But if somebody was like, okay, that's a little too creepy. Let's make it like 45% less creepy. And they put a fern, but like only like part of a fern on it and so the fern is jutting out at you in a way that feels menacing even though it's a plant. So in theory, it should not be that is that's what I got in my research about the staghorn ferns to learn what's up with them. What I learned is they're Australian and also they're not meant to be in houses.

They're meant to be like on a tree on the side of a tree. So the reason they're mounted is because that's how they're supposed to be, right, is like on the side of something, but we want to have them in our fancy house. So what they are in is like basically a burlap kangaroo sack that's mounted to a wooden plaque. Yeah. See, the first, the first moment that they went wrong is looking to have to domesticize something that grows native to Australia. It doesn't want to be inside a home.

Leave it alone. It doesn't want to be inside a home. It doesn't want to be on this continent. It's not here. Like it doesn't have its weird freak of nature animal friends around it. Kangaroos are not pets. They're not. I'm sorry.

They're not meant to be on top of that, the staghorn fern. I don't know if you know about this is also like a nightmare to water. No, I did not. So they have to be watered in two ways. The tops of them have to be misted. The thing I read said that you should use a brass mister if you have that at your availability. And why? I don't even know what that is.

The other thing is that they're like their tops have to be misted and the bottoms like the roots have to be soaked once a week for five minutes. Okay. Sure. So they have to be like removed from these pockets, put into a soaking thing and then put back. This is rich people house. So of course they're impossibly high.

But you need a ladder to get to that. Yes. Yes. So Ronnie shows Malia these plants. She shows her the like three pages of instructions in the binder and Malia's like that's so helpful. Thank you. Oh. Okay.

How are you feeling? I'm stressed. And also judgy. You know who else is stressed? It's Irma. Irma. I bet. I bet.

It's not even her cousin. Irma is like, can I talk to you for a second? And Malia is like, yeah. And Irma's like, I'm really nervous now that I am seeing how many beige and cream and alabaster things are in this home with our dumb baby. Like what if he breaks something? What if he vomits on the carpet? Sure.

What if he does anything that babies naturally do because they're babies? Malia is like, I think that'll be fine. Like he's a pretty easy baby. She's like not concerned about it. She's like, what I'm concerned about is that there are so many things that need to be done for these plants. Yeah. That's, that's worrying me more so than the baby, even though I know I expressed three

minutes ago that I was really worried about the baby. What do you, what do you think? Like you're in these people's house, they're about to leave for their abroad vacation. It's Friday. You're stressed. What's your move? Like are you going to stay? Yes.

Because I drove that far, I drove that far in traffic and I have seen the view of the multi-story glass windows out onto the ocean, right? Yeah. So I'm going to turn my body to look there as I calm down, take a lot of deep breaths, and remind myself that it's a lot, but it's only one week. So most things won't need to happen more than once or twice. Yes. There's a lot of them, but it's not like a month or, you know, where you sort of have

to keep track of a ton of stuff. So even though all of these stupid ferns have to be double watered, that probably only has to happen once per fern if it's once a week. Exactly. Malia is like, Irma, how do you feel? Like what are your feelings? This is at your cousin's house, like what do you want to do here? And she watches Irma like, look at the view and look at the pool outside and look at the

projection screen that they can watch movies on and go, I think we should risk it. I think so too. I think you should pour yourself a glass of wine. Some of their fancy wine. Yes. And go sit outside. Yes. And look at the sun and the water.

And of course, you know, in this tour, it's like, here's the fully stocked fridge. Here's the wine fridge. Of course. Right? Here's all this shit. So Malia is like, the only question we have left is like, where do you want us to put our stuff? Right?

Like which room do you want us to stay in? And Ronnie's like, Oh God, I'm so glad you asked. We're like redoing the two bathrooms in the guest suites. So like I'm going to put you in our room in the primary suite. Oh, I don't love that. Why? I think if what is already grappling with feeling out of place and anxious about being, you know, being tasked with caring for someone's space that the bedroom is particularly intimate

to be like an interloper in. Does it change your mind to know that there is a standing, a tub that stands by itself by a window that looks at the ocean in the primary suite? So here's the thing. No, it doesn't change my mind because only, only because I was already going to get over. Oh, okay. Okay. Great.

It was an additional asterisk for me, but I was absolutely going to power through it. Okay. Okay. That would have made me power through faster. Okay. Malia has like the same reservations that you have, but it's also like it's a huge, like it's a tub big enough to fit my entire adult body. It's a huge tub.

Oh my God. That's luxury. So she's like, you know what? I'm going to get over it. And Ronnie's husband is like a little champagne to like toast your week and they're like, ah, yes. Thank you. Yes.

So everyone's like having their little champagne, they're like, have a great holiday. Ronnie's like, thanks so much for staying with the plants. It's good to see you. And they are gone. Great party time. The next day it's time to swim. They swim. They nap.

I bet there's, there's fancy sunscreen too. I bet. I bet it's by the pool. It smells so good. Ugh. And there's like, it's one of those houses that has like stairs down to the ocean too. So you can like go look at the ocean and like touch the tide pool and stuff. Yeah.

It's a Nancy Meyers house. It's so nice. Like the soap smells like amber. The fridge is like stocked with different kinds of water. Like it's incredible. Oh my God. I'm going to look up an ivory cardigan to buy myself a new pair as we speak. That night they're like, let's grill the steaks in the fridge.

Like why not? Steaks in the fridge. They're steaks in the fridge. They go outside. They realize that the gas grill outside is hooked up to a gas line from inside like no propane tank. Oh my God. On Sunday, they're like learning how to use the espresso machine.

They're really like, they have, they have just like easily transformed. Right? Of course. They're swimming in the pool. It's like so lovely. They're soaking up the sun, getting dark, getting toasty, feeling so nice. What a life. In the afternoon when Ezra is like fussy and needs to be fed, Malia like doesn't even

feel bothered by it. She's like, whatever. She's like, I'm living here. She's like, I'm living in bliss. I love motherhood. Right? Right. Right.

I am woman. Yeah. Work is dead to me. Right. This is my life now. I'm a sun goddess now. Exactly. She hops out of the pool.

She dries off. She takes Ezra like upstairs to the big room and there's like a big TV up here with a big plush chair. So she like sits down and feeds him and like the sunlight is so nice. She feels so lucky. Perfect. She's like, Ezra falls asleep. She's like, I fall asleep.

We take a small nap. We deserve it. They wake up. They go back downstairs. They swim more. Everything Malia thinks is perfect. In the evening she goes back upstairs to change for dinner because she's rapidly adjusted to her Nancy Meyers lifestyle and she's like, I need a big white shirt.

Yeah. Who would not? She rounds the corner in the primary suite and is like, what's that? Oh no. No. Whatever it is. Walk away from it. Enjoy your life.

On the chair that she was sitting on earlier. She walks over to it and she's like, oh my God. Oh no. Uh-oh. Because there is a water stain on the chair and the water stain is, it's basically a perfect woodblock print of her entire vulva. Oh God. Oh no.

She's coughing. She's having a coughing fit. Yeah. I don't know that I expected this to go from Nancy Meyers to Judy Chicago. It's a perfect print. Okay. She panics. Yeah.

Well, yeah. What else do you do in that scenario? That's my question for you. What's she supposed to do? I panicked. I panicked. I call Irma. Irma panics.

We panic together and then hopefully I panic into a sleep. I don't know. I furiously Google. Malia is like dry it. She like uses the towel, tries to dry it off. Nothing. Yeah. Okay.

She's like, it needs to be dry, right? It's wet. That's the problem. It's just a water stain. No. She grabs the blow dryer. Dyson blow dryer out of the bathroom. She aims it at the chair.

She turns it on. No. Some of the fabric dries, but what it does is it just makes the print of her vulva sharper than before. Yeah. Exactly. It's not drying. Yeah.

Irma is calling her for downstairs because it's time to make dinner. What do you do? Well, I go downstairs. I try my best to calmly inform her of what's happened. Then I ask her to join me in Googling nearby furniture specialists. Why furniture specialists? Fabric specialists? I don't know.

I feel like in an area that bougie, there has to be somebody who at least knows where you could go to have your extremely high-end furniture fixed, not necessarily because of a vulva print, but if things such as prints of any sort were to arise. The problem here is that Malia has had, I don't know, three or four glasses of finoverde throughout the day. Right. Of course. Of course she has.

And she's sun-exhausted to you. Yes. She looks at this print. Here's Irma calling her for downstairs and decides, now is not the time to deal with this. I would say now. Now is the better time. Maybe it'll dry.

It's not going to dry, sweetie. When she goes downstairs and has dinner, she's like, okay, maybe it'll go away. But it is haunting her the whole dinner, right? It's all she can think about. It has obviously not gone away. She sleeps fitfully. The next morning, it is still there. Of course it is.

Do you tell Irma? Yes. What are vows for? It's not for a moment like this. Malia's like in sickness and in health. I have something sick. Hello. Please come over here and help.

Yes. This is exactly, this is what it was referring to. Irma is like, oh my God, like how did you even do this? And Malia's like, I don't know, I think she was like, I think it's just like I sat on the chair in a slightly damp swimsuit and like, now this is here and Irma is like, let us Google. Yes. They Google and Google is like, Dawn dish soap and water.

Do you think this house has Dawn dish soap? I don't, I don't believe it does. No, they have organic dish soap. This does not work. Of course. No, no it doesn't. You need the chemicals. It's like watered down vinegar.

No. This house has white wine vinegar. They try this. It's like, paper towels, right? No paper towels. Of course not. None of this works. What now?

I say a combination of attempting to Google the furniture people, whoever they might be, and perhaps making a store run if there are places nearby-ish that might have Dawn dish soap and regular vinegar. Irma is like, there is no way this woman does not have maids. There's no way. Irma is like, she has to. So Irma is like, check the binder. Goes to the front of the binder.

Sure enough. I'm showing my tax bracket here. Yeah. Sure enough in the binder, it's like, maids come at this time on this day. Here is their number. Irma is like, great. She calls the maids. She's like, hello, we have a problem.

The maids are like, it is Labor Day. Oh, yes. Yes, yes. They're like, we can come by early tomorrow. All right. Irma is like, OK. She's like, I vote we don't go get anything from the store and don't touch this anymore because we are clearly not helping.

Right. So they have, all day Monday, they're pacing by the chair with its perfect little stamp. Nothing to do. Terrified. Around four, Irma calls Malia downstairs because one of the plants is droopy. OK. Which one is it? It's a stat corn.

Yeah. I was hoping it would not be that. But of course it is. And they flip through the binder and they're like, soak it? No. No. That doesn't feel right. Why not?

One was the last time it was soaked. They don't know that. Do we know this? No. Well, how could they? OK. See, they should have asked that about every single plant that I wish they had. I would try misting first.

OK. They should not do that. They soak it. OK. How are you feeling at this point? I'm stressed. You're feeling stressed? I'm stressed on Labor Day, which feels extra bad.

10 a.m. the next day, the maids arrive. OK, great. And they're like, what's up? What's the problem? And Malia leads them upstairs and into the room and the chair is spot lit by the sun and the maid starts laughing so hard that she's bent over. She's supporting herself on the desk. She can't breathe.

And the maid is like, is this yours? And Malia's like, yes. The maid calls the other maid up there. They are laughing and laughing and laughing. The second maid is like, I've seen this before. And Malia is like, what? Here? And the maid is like, no, no, no.

Another client. Like, it happens. OK. And Malia's like. That's encouraging. Malia's like, OK. That's encouraging. What do we do?

And the maid is like, no, no, babe. You're fucked. Oh, never mind. Adios. Encouragement. Malia's like, no, please. Like, please try anything. What can you try?

And the maids are like, OK, we have like a steam cleaner. We have, you know, they have their whole, like, arsenal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arsenal. Right. They go through their arsenal. The steam just makes it a little bigger. It's like that pink spot in the cat in the hat book.

It's just like getting bigger. Oh, god. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not losing definition incredibly. You know? It's just, it's there. That's miraculous.

OK. It is now 2 PM on Tuesday. The maids have left. OK, they gave up. They gave up. Malia is walking through the kitchen when she realizes she forgot the plant. It's still in its little soaking tub. Oh, fuck.

It's drowning. Oh, my god. So now you have two crises. Oh, my god. What would you like to do? I want to go back to whatever metropolis I came from. I pretend none of this ever happened. OK, immediately go remove the fern from its watery potential death.

Yeah, grave. Yeah. That's the word. Where are you going to move it to? I'm going to squeeze out the water and try to gently repot it. I don't know where I'm finding potting soil, but I'm going to find it. OK. And then I'm going to put it in bright indirect sun.

OK. Why indirect? So not outside, because I feel like that would shock it to have like to go from being submerged to having a ton of direct immediate burning California sun. What Malia does is she moves it out of the tub and directly into the sun. Yep. Yep. She said let's go for a shock.

Yeah. OK. She said dry it out. I get it. Make it dry. No. No. I don't know how plants work.

The chair is still not doing well. Yeah. Of course it's not. What now? OK. Then at this point I go back to Googling the furniture people. I don't know. At this point I'm probably feeling a little too dejected, but I figure it's worth a shot.

I go back to Googling the furniture people, try to make some calls, and then when they invariably don't answer I feel like I'm then trying to Google the chair just to know how fucked I am financially. Irma is like, we will find a like furniture restorer. This is a big metropolis full of rich people. They exist. We are going to take this chair to someone. Irma is doing all her little calls, right?

Call, call, call. She finds someone that's like, OK, like bring the chair in and we'll look at it. We open tomorrow at like noon. They're like, great. So the next day the three of them set a traffic for a million years to get this car to the upholster. They unload it from the back of the car and the woman at the upholsterer like chokes on her water.

She's like, who's, who's this? Right. Who is that below? And Malia's like, it is mine. And the upholsterer is like, they're very beautiful. Thank you. And Malia's like, yeah, yeah, get your jokes in. But can you fix this?

Right, right. Can you joke while you fix it? Yeah. The upholsterer is like, I genuinely don't know. Like I need to look at it more closely and see like what's going on here. Oh my God. How are you feeling? Oh God, I'm feeling like I'm sitting through a twisted pap smear.

Christ. That's just the kind of review that we like to hear on this podcast. They get back into the house and Irma is like, Malia, what's happening here? Because the plant, which has been left outside since yesterday, is struggling. Of course it has. It is like limp, but also burnt on the ends. Oh, yeah. The sun has not helped the damp at all.

I know it hasn't. Malia is like frantically flipping through the binder when her phone rings and it's Ronnie. Do you answer it? I don't. You don't? No. Why? Because I need some time.

And there's any number of reasons why somebody wouldn't answer their phone that are not, hello, I have fucked up your plant and your chair. I yeah, I avoid it and buy myself a little bit of time. Okay. I like that plan. Malia is like, I'm going to answer it because there's no way she could know. She'll hear it in your voice, but okay, carry on. Malia answers it and Ronnie is laughing hysterically and Ronnie's like, did you stamp your vagina

onto my chair? And Malia's like, did the maid tell you? And she's like, no. My neighbor took her couch in to get reupholstered and was like, this looks like Ronnie's chair. Oh my God. Because the upholsters had left it out. Oh my God. At this point, I throw myself into the ocean.

You're just, it's time for a death. Not even a death necessarily, but like a dramatic, do you know what I mean? Like a little Ophelia, but like pause right before the, yeah, you know, we walk it back. Yeah. But just try it on your size. Exactly. Exactly. Do it for the story real quick and then kind of come back.

That's what I'm doing. I'm pulling an Ophelia here. Malia is like, I'm so sorry. Ronnie on vacation in a great mood is laughing hysterically. She's like, this is the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life. She's like, how did you do that? And Malia's like, honestly, I have no idea. Right.

I have no idea. This has never, it's never happened before. Never happened. And sure. Malia's like, I want to die. Malia's like, I would, I crave death. I don't want to do this at all. I don't want to actually discuss like how large of a print it is or any of the other

questions that anyone might have about this. Like no, thank you. Right. Right. She's like, Ronnie, I'm so sorry. I've no, I really don't know how it happened. The upholsterer is like, says they're going to try and fix it. And Ronnie's like, we'll figure it out.

Like I'm sure they'll be able to fix it. It is so funny. She's like, how are my plants? And Malia is holding a dying fern in her hands. Right. Of course she is. Do you tell her? No.

Malia's like, plants are fine. It's only the chair. Correct. Ronnie laughs and laughs and laughs. And she's like, okay, I mean the plants are the priority anyway. So no worries. Cool. Malia hangs up the phone and she's like, oh great.

So the plants are the priority anyways. This one is done. So she gets off the phone and she goes to her bed and she's like, we have to replace the plant. Yeah. They start googling. Stackward ferns are not only hard to find, they are difficult to get on short notice. Right.

Right. Well, that, my, my thought was going to be go to a nursery first. Oh, like a plant nursery? Yeah. I was like, what are they going to get at a nursery? Get something for the baby, distraction. Ezra needs something. Yeah.

Go there and be like, can you fix this? Yeah, just, yeah. Yeah. Like a, you know, like a genius for plants. Yeah. I like that plan. I think it's a good plan. Not what they do.

Thank you. They're like, we need to find a place to buy one of these. They like eat dinner that evening. The house is like now a prison. The fun is gone. Of course it is. No one's having a good time except for Ezra who's still having a great time. To be a baby in this world.

I know. The next day, the upholsterer calls. She cannot fix the chair. Of course she can. Because the chair was not waterproofed at all. You're making a face. What does the face mean? Well, that's on Ronnie then.

Is it? I mean, it's still not ideal, but I feel like if you live in a seaside home and you have water-sensitive furniture that is capable of being waterproofed and you do not waterproof it and then it suffers water damage, I don't know. It feels like not getting apple care, but in a more high stakes way. Yeah. Most fabric is waterproofed to some degree. The upholsterer is like, there's no way for us to fix this.

I'm so sorry. But the only thing we could do is bleach it and we're concerned that if we bleach it, it will just bleach the stain lighter than everything else and so it will still be there. Right. So now you have a stamped chair and a dying plant and Ronnie returns tomorrow. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic, Panic. Panic. Panic.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. Panic. A butterfly. God damn it. Just saying, there's a lot to work with if you think about, you know, if you think outside

the box. Yeah. If you, yes, and. Yes, and. Yeah. Malia is like, how much is it going to cost to replace the chair? Right. Also a good question.

And the furniture person is like, I can give you the name of the guy who made it. Oh, that's not a good sign. It's not a good sign at all. So Malia calls that man. Would you like to guess how much this chair is worth? Oh, God. Okay. Definitely like 1500 or above.

Yeah. Like, yeah. I'm also, I would like you to know that I'm imagining that the person they call is Aiden from Sex and the City. Yeah, that's correct. It's him. He's wearing his full denim outfit. He's like, what?

What? It is a $4,000 chair. Yeah. Of course it is. Why would it be anything under than 4,000 United States dollars? Yeah. Why would a chair be anything less than 4,000 United States dollars? Who pays less than that?

That's a normal amount for a chair. Malia calls the plant store. She's like, how much does it cost to replace this fern? They're like $150. She's like, done. Yeah. I mean, in the grand scheme of things. You agree.

You think this is good? Yeah. Well, I mean, I still would have tried resuscitating the old fern at the plant, whatever. They drive an hour in traffic to get to this plant store. They take the old fern. They show the man this fern and he goes, oh yeah, that's a goner. They're like sick. Okay.

They get a new fern. They put the fern into the old fern's little pocket thing. Right. They drive very carefully back and they put it back on the wall. Okay. Malia's like, this does not look the same to me. It looks like a different plant, but at least it's something. Well, you can make it look closer.

She tries. You can trim it. She does. And it gets close, but she's like, she's been looking at this plant so closely for two days that she's like, I don't know. She also, when they return with the plant, you know, when you're like gone from your house for like a few hours and you return and you like notice things that you didn't notice before?

Yeah. And she's like, this place is kind of a mess. Like having a kid and two adults who are living like they're on vacation has made this place to appreciate in value by like half of its capable. Boy. Yeah. Stuff everywhere. Crumbs.

Malia is like, we have to tidy. They go to bed that night just like stressed, tossing and turning just like the print of Malia's vulva shining in the moonlight on the chair. Poetry. When Ronnie returns, she looks great. Her skin's glowing. She has a new hat. She and her husband are so happy to see them.

She's relaxed. I love that for her. For however long it lasts. Malia can tell that she like sees the mess, but it's like intentionally ignoring it, which Malia appreciates. Sure. That's family. Veronica is like circling the first floor checking the plants.

She's like, wow, you did such a good job. Like this plant, the one they just replaced, was really struggling last week. You can't even tell. It looks great. Yeah. And Malia's like, thank you so much. I'm very good at taking care of plants. Especially Staghorn Bird.

I'm an expert. And they go home. Okay. How are you feeling? I'm feeling like it just occurred to me that the real person who should have been called in is the orchid guy. To deal with the plant? Yeah.

I feel like he wouldn't know what to do here. He probably would have. Saved us. Connects all of these people together. But aside from that really relevant realization, I'm feeling relieved a little bit, but mostly still on edge. Next day they're at home and Malia's phone rings and it's Ronnie. Yeah, of course it is.

Malia answers it and Ronnie's like, dude, the chair is so bad. Ronnie's like, this is an estate. This is an exact replica of your entire labia. And Malia's like, I know I'm so sorry. I just sat on it in my swimsuit. I didn't know it wasn't waterproof. And Ronnie's like, of course it wasn't waterproof. It's a regular chair.

It's a part of a custom made like matching set. I guess. There's a pause and Ronnie's like, you know, I'm not even mad. It's just that my husband is really upset about this. Okay. Now I care so much less. What do you do? Apologize, you know, profusely.

And then not offer to, well, if it were me in this scenario, I probably would like an idiot offer to replace it. But as a person who is advising these people who don't know me, what I would suggest that somebody else do in this scenario is ask something a little more general, like, you know, how is there anything we can do to help make it right? What would help make him feel better? So that if the thing that is desired is for, you know, your, is that your cousin with a rich husband really does want you on your city employee salary to buy a $4,000 chair

that they have to say it. Malia needed your advice because what Malia says is, look, I'm happy to get the chair replaced if that's what it's going to take to make this right. No, you're not. Veronica's like, I do think that that would make this right. When Malia tells Irma this Irma is not happy. Yeah. Irma is like, it is not our fault they bought a $4,000 chair.

It's not our fault that they let us stay in the primary suite. She's like, it is our fault, royally, it is our fault that you stamped your vagina onto their chair. Sure. But like, is that a $4,000 mistake for us really? I just don't think that it is. And I think that framing it as such is inconsiderate even though the facts are what the facts are. I get it, sure.

But I think that if you can't zoom out beyond yourself for one second to think, hey, I'm rich, they have city, like, shut up, grow up, in fact. Malia is like, we ruined it. And Irma is like, yeah, but we don't have $4,000 to spend on. Shares. Exactly. Irma is like, you know, if they want to do a cost analysis of what kind of chair we could buy and then us pay them that, I'm happy to do that.

Well, that's nowhere. And Malia is like, she's my cousin. Yeah. Malia calls the guy Aiden, who made this chair, and he's like, listen, the chair was made out of a very specific. Pink Moroccan rug that had been bleached. So all the dye had like receded behind the fabric. That's why they can't fix it.

Got it. There is no way that we can recover the chair that they have. He's like, at this point, you might as well just get a new one. And Malia, like, she's trying really hard to be a grown up, but she starts crying. Of course. She's like, it's a $4,000 chair and like, I just sat on it in my swimsuit. I made this terrible mistake. Like it was just an accident.

I'm so sorry. But like, I do not have $4,000. Also, like, how many stupid things do rich people do while drinking? Yes. This is like in the grand scheme of things. This is very, this is negligible if you ask me. And Aiden, the furniture man is like, let me see what we can do. Okay.

Thanks, Aiden. He calls her back like a few hours later and he's like, I can do it at cost for $2,500. Okay. That's very nice of him to say. Do you do it? I mean, yeah, and I hate every minute of it. You do. I do.

Yeah. Why? Because if I don't, the guilt will eat away at me. And also, I don't know, I also don't have a baby. So I feel like my answer is being influenced by the fact that I don't have to pay for baby things. Yeah. And so my relationship to the amount of money is different than it would be.

Your disposable income is higher. Yeah. Then if you have a baby. Yeah. Sure. Yes. Yes. Okay.

I say, thank you. And then I calmly aback. And I say, hey, I talk to Aiden. He's in a good mood. He's back with Carrie. So he'll do it for cost. So he'll do it for cost. We really want to make this right, but as you know, I work XYZ job.

And so finances are tight at the moment. And so if we could do a kind of split, that would be a lot more feasible for me and my lovely partner, Irma. But if not, would you consider like, I think I would start there and just. This requires a level of confrontation that Malia does not have. Like that bone does not exist in her body. So she says, yes, $2,500 is fine. We will pay that.

Okay. Okay. It takes six months for the shares to be made. Okay. And finally it's done and she like gave it to Ronnie and Ronnie was very happy to have her chair back. And it is like super awkward between them for a while, but now they just call a vagina gate and they have moved on.

Sure. We are at the end. How do you feel? I'm annoyed. I feel like we should eat the rich. That's all. As ever. Marks was right.

And if we listened to him, none of us would have been in this scenario, not Malia, Ronnie, Irma, and least of all not poor Ezra, who probably didn't have as exciting a toy arsenal as he could have, if not for vagina gate. Who's side are you on? Irma. Why Irma? Unequivocally. Yeah.

She has sense. She's trying to look out for their future and not bending to the, I think, quiet pressure that wealth can exert, which I understand. But also, I think it's important that there be somebody in the room who is not as threatened, you know, not as affected by it. Easily swayed. Yeah. Exactly.

I agree with all of that. Since we talked about morals up top, do you think that there's a moral to this story? What's the moral here? Channel your own mother. What's the moral to this story? Waterproof your furniture. That's it. That's all I got.

That is the biggest moral here. Because... That is the moral here. Everything could have been avoided. Waterproof your furniture and keep staghorn ferns in Australia. On the trees where they belong. Where they belong. Don't bring things out of Australia and then get surprised when they cause mayhem.

Wow. Would you like the final update that I have for you? I would love it. The final update I have is that once the new chair arrived, Veronica asked Malia if she would like to keep the stamped chair for herself. And she said yes. And now it is her little family heirloom. And it has been years and it still has that perfect, just absolutely perfect print on

it. Okay. That's perfect. And I can't wait to see it in exhibit one day. That's incredible. And thank you so much for coming on Normal Gossip. It was a delight to have you. Thank you for having me.

Thank you for taking me on this ride. What a journey. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossipatdefector.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip.

You can follow Kelsey on all social media at McKinney-Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Tujan Lothlin. Diana Moskovitz is our story editor. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's business guys. Tom Lay is our editor-in-chief. J.Tol Viera is our production assistant. Dan McQuade runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store.

Tara Jacoby designed our showart. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of RadioTopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. I'm Lex, and remember, you did not hear this from me. RadioTopia. From PRX.

From PRX. From PRX. From PRX. From PRX. From PRX. From PRX. From PRX. From PRX.

From PRX. From PRX. From PRX. From RadioTopia. From PRX.