Normal Gossip - The Problem Is Certain Death with Allegra Frank

Episode Date: January 7, 2026

We brought Allegra Frank some historical gossip involving a party full of mountain climbers, a long rope, and a bad idea. Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Rachelle, Se'era, Jae, Alex, and Kelsey, plus blog recommendations and secrets!You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com.You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/Episode transcript here.Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip, and if you have gossip, email us at [e-mail] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.Normal Gossip is hosted by Rachelle Hampton (@heyydnae) and produced by Se'era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae) and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira). Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs) is our Supervising Producer. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby.Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices

Happy New Year, and why is it a happy new year? Because you can now binge Gear, the incredible series from our fellow Radiotopia Show Articles of Interest. Gear is about the intersection between the military and the outdoor industry. Can you believe that they are deeply, deeply interwoven? The military actually affects so much of our current fashion trends, which I didn't know about until I listened to Articles of Interest. But wait, there's more. This year, there will be new episodes about tattoos and what they mean for self-expression, about bras and whether or not their technology is outdated, I feel like yes, but I'm willing to wait and see what Avery says. There's an episode about the greatest designer you've never heard of and a look at what it

means to make clothes truly accessible for everyone. Articles of interest is about clothing for people who don't necessarily think they're interested in clothing. If you're ready to change your relationship with the clothes you wear every day, check out articles of interest wherever you get your podcast. Hello and welcome to normal gossip. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton. And in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Happy New Year, y'all.

I hope your holidays were full of light and laughter, especially since 2026 is already off to an eventful start to say the least. the least, which I know means y'all desperately need some gossip in your lives. And today's story is actually one of my absolute favorites. Before we get into it, just a little bit of housekeeping today, a light little bit, mostly just a heads up that now that our break is over, we are officially over halfway through this season of normal gossip, which has got four more episodes in it, including this one. That makes today's episode the seventh of the season, which is famously a lucky number. And I feel especially lucky today because my guest is one of my dearest friends, Allegra Frank. Allegra and I go way back.

We used to work at Slate together. And for a while, she was an editor on my old show, I see Y. YMIMI where some of y'all might have heard us chop it up together. Currently, Allegra is a culture editor for The Atlantic, but she has written and edited for a box, polygon, the Daily Beast, and the New York Times. Allegra, hello. Thank you so much for joining me. Hi, Rachel. I'm so excited.

What a dream. We have not recorded together in a hot minute. I feel like I'm coming home. It's like a hot hour, girl. It's been a hot hour. Hot hour, hot year, hot month. Hot month. So long.

So long. I'm so excited, truly. Same. Even though we haven't recorded in a while, we do talk, I would say, pretty regularly, which means that I know that you are a champion of gossip. Every time I see you, I feel like you tell. Tell me something that I think about for a month. So I'm so excited to know the answer to this question, which is, what is your relationship to gossip?

Have you always been this way? Unfortunately, or fortunately, yes. I mean, I think it's because, like, we're writers and we're journalists. So it's like, I'm sussing out the facts. I'm figuring out the players. I'm packaging it to tell the world. And, yes, I love a little mess. But those are the best stories.

It's really just in service of the plot of my life. You're right. This is actually a professional development thing that we're doing right now. Yes. This is how we got these jobs, girl, from our gossip days. Speaking of gossip, a little birdie told me that you have some gossip for me. And again, I know you're a champion gossip smith. So I'm ready.

Okay, this one, in the interest of protecting all of my friendship, we're doing a throwback gossip this is like where it all starts Rachel you're getting a little origin story gossip here so when I was in eighth grade do you remember Zanga were you a Zanga girl I was not okay so it was like sort of

live journal-esque like you could do little personal blogs but you would follow people and you could comment so it was a little social like that and I had a Zanga and I would use it to blog about my day which was not particularly exciting. But because it was not particularly exciting, I would often draw on things that other

people were doing. So I was kind of chronicling what was going on in my grade secretly online. Sort of Gossip Girl S. Yeah, no. I was like, oh, so you're a lady whistledown of your eighth grade class. It was giving baby whistledown. And because I was like very unpopular. Like, no, it's not like anybody was really following this, I thought. And it was just like for a couple of my friends. And I would use names because I was like, nobody's reading this except my friends and they need to know. And I would be like in eighth period Spanish class taught by, you know, Miss Senora Smith, Bob would say this today. Like being very explicit and like going down the line of like, here's where I was at this time. Here's where I was at this time. And it was like,

like very detailed, but I didn't think much of it. And then one day, I'm like in class and I see people whispering and looking at me. And usually people don't look at me because I'm like in the back. I never spoke. I was just like, Allegra will remember this and then putting it on my zanga later. And then I was like, that's so weird. And then between periods, so after that class, my friend, my best friend, one of my five zanga readers was like, girl, I was just in class and people came up to me and were asking me about your Zanga thinking it was my Zanga because we had very similar days, my best friend and I. Yeah. And I was using everybody else's name except my own. I was being a little bit protective of me and my friends. So they thought it was my friend and they were like,

hey, we found your blog because I had used someone's full name. There was this kid, we'll call him Chris. And that's a, he was a common name, right? So I had to differentiate that this was not Chris A I was talking about. This was Chris B I was talking about one day. So instead of saying Chris B, I used his full last name. One day, Chris B Googled himself and found my blog. And he spread it all over the school because he was popular. My school's not that big.

And so all these people were reading it. My friend in her class saw people on the Zanga reading it in class, being like oh my god this is creepy why was this person writing about the joke i made why was this person saying they saw me in the cafeteria what is this like everyone discovering my little baby gossip girl blog and then they turned and they saw my friend and they're like this sounds a lot like you and like your schedule was this you and my friend was like this i didn't do this at all i had nothing to do with this but I don't want to tell you who it was because I'm not going to blow up my friend's spot

but I'm not taking the fall and she told me this and I was like but low key what if you took the fall Loki what if you just kind of rolled with it you said what if you fell upon the sword for me

like I wouldn't do it for you she said lying you know like she said lying she said lying like I was not about to take ownership because nobody paid attention to me. I was so unpopular. My friend also was unpopular, but like a little slightly less so. She could take the hit. I couldn't take a hit. So obviously it was quite fraught. So, you know, fast forward today. We are still best

friends. We did weather the storm. But in her recollection, I went on Gaia Online, which was a sort of role-playing website. You had an avatar. It was a lot of people would get on there and be very horny, but I wasn't doing that. I was just going on the forums and posting a lot. She said lying. And I went on Guy on, which again, my friend was on and would see. And I went on and I was like telling them about this story. I made a thread about this on Gaia. And I was like, hey, this happened. My friend doesn't want to take the blade. but I kind of think she should and I don't even know if we should be friends anymore if she doesn't want to take the blame. And I was posting this on Guy Online. I did not learn my lesson that I should

not be airing out my laundry. You went from making one mistake to making the exact same mistake in a different forum. So it's like one thing was like these kids who I didn't really like that much seeing that I was blogging about their lunch. Another thing is my best friend seeing that I'm calling her out on Gaia online. After she saw that, I was like, okay, I need to stop telling the internet things. You said, okay, fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice. Shame on you. I won't be fooling anyone three times. It was shame on me both times. And it was. And it was. I feel comfortable saying that. Allegra, that's so fucking funny. And here's the thing, Rachel. I'm here and I'm still gossiping. What did I learn? I just don't put it on the internet now.

What you learned is what I am always championing on this podcast, which is operational security. Yes. Exactly. I learned this at age 13 in eighth grade. Honestly, thank you to Chris S for blowing up my spot so that I would rewrite my course in history. Wait, did they ever find out it was you? They never found out. The wrong gossip girl was what went down.

in our, you know, the annals of our school history. They never found out. I think one person did, but he didn't tell anybody else because he was like, I think it's you. I'm pretty sure it's you. And I wasn't going to admit it. So I was like, I don't know. It's crazy.

No one else thinks it's me. That's so weird that you think it's me. No one else thinks that at all. God. The funniest thing about middle school drama is that there's no logic to the investigation because there clearly two options. for who could have done this. And the fact that you weren't mentioned on this blog at all,

it's giving, like, the mean girls burn book where it's like, obviously it's her. It was like giving mean girls burn book and also a little bit the Tim Robinson sketch where it's like I'm wearing a hot dog costume guys and I'm saying, who could have done this? Nobody knows. We're all looking for the guy who did this.

We're all looking for the guy who did this. Certainly not me. And they never found them. they never found them until today someone's going to be listening to this podcast and they're going to have a new conclusion to their eighth grade drama oh my god you know what you're right what did i learn i'm blowing up my own spot this is what i deserve i knew i didn't even think about that wow god 19 years later here we are didn't learn a damn thing full circle but yes now you get to know i told you and thus the world

oligra i'm truly so honored um i love that you brought the word zanga onto this podcast and gaya online i don't know if those have been uttered in the normal gossip universe and i'm sure some of our listeners will be like pointing at the metaphorical screen like leonardo decaprio and once upon a time in hollywood hearing the word zanga in the year 26. I hope the people feel seen. I'm here to represent. I am one of you.

We are the Zangans. Thank you so much for that lore drop, which actually coincides perfectly with our gossip today. Are you ready? I'm so ready. I feel owed. The gossip

I have for you today is historical. Vintage, if you will. It takes place in the 1970s in Sydney, Australia. Personally, historical gossip is my favorite kind of gossip. Like, tell me about the wild shit your grandparents did. I want to know what Thomas Cromwell was getting into. But what about you?

Do you have a preference for historical or contemporary gossip? Do you know any lore about your grandparents? Ooh. No, I do like historical gossip. Like my parents, I have some good gossip about them, and that's fun. So I like gossip of all eras, really. Parent gossip, grandparent gossip, uncle gossip, aunt gossip, up and down the chain. No, literally.

Get me up and down that family tree, exactly. Yeah. Well, like I said, today's story takes place in the 1970s in Sydney, Australia. And our friend of a friend today is named Jono. The most important thing to know about Jono is that he is very, very, very, very, into mountaineering. And you might be asking, what is mountaineering?

If you were asking this question, I also have this question. And according to the American Alpine Institute, which is a real thing, mountaineering is the broad art of ascending mountains using a mix of hiking, snow travel, glacier

navigation, and sometimes technical climbing. Basically mountain climbing. Anyway, Jono would actually go on to become sort of a low-key legend in the Australian climbing community. Like, he's the kind of guy who isn't a household name to normal people, but he is friends with all the guys who end up in the mountaineering history books. Yes, I said mountaineering history books.

They do exist. Now, at the time of our story, Jono is in his early to mid-20s, and even then, his entire life revolves around climbing shit. Technically, he has a day job, but it is all to fund the next big climb. I could describe Jono's vibe but we have actually got a photo of Jono and his climbing friends

that I'm going to show you. Oh, okay. Oh, my God. Now, I'm allowed to show you this photo but not the audience, so I need you to describe in as much detail as possible the vibes of the boys in this photo.

Okay. The first thought I had was very thick. thighs. It's three thick-thied men in cath-length socks. Two of them are shirtless and fairly buff. They're all fairly buff, I think. All three of them have, I want to say short shorts, but one of them looks like he's wearing a straight-up diaper. It's giving diaper. Despite giving diaper, he is still hot. And they're sitting like, what is this? Like a trailer or something? Who knows? They're outside. They're in the wilderness. They're outside in the wilderness. And they're guys being bros, I guess, but they're like chilling. It's giving a little bit friends to lovers, maybe. It could be. Maybe I'm projecting. I can see friends to lovers energy. But yeah, it's three dudes, thick by dudes sitting in next to no clothing, except for one in the middle who has a shirt. Wow. That was a perfect description. So in this photo, it's,

is Jono, his friend Big Rob, and another guy who is not important to this story. Okay. Drag. This story, which begins when what feels like the entire Australian climbing community descends upon Sydney, Australia. An expedition has just returned from climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, and everyone is celebrating. Now, something to know about Jono and Big Rob is that despite the fact that they are objectively hot in a feral, outdoors, is he housebroken kind of way? Exactly that. Despite this fact, they are both also very single.

And that is because at this time in their lives, they were, and this is a direct quote from our our friend of a friend, awkward and utterly useless at talking to women. I see that. I can see that quite, quite easily, to be honest. Right, right. So the vibe of this crew is basically men with really good thighs in really short shorts who are really bad at talking to women. Yes. Now, considering the thighs and the shorts, how much would you say this? little deficiency matters. Considering the thighs and the shorts. Well, as I said, it was giving friends to lovers to me.

I don't know how badly they're doing with or without the women, you know. But that said, that said, I mean, the thighs are doing a lot of the work. For me, they don't need to talk. It's true. The thighs are doing the talking. Like, I'm fine. I'm so fine if they don't know how to talk to me. So this is all really important because today's story takes place at a party, specifically the after party for the celebration of this Kilimanjaro expedition.

To be clear, our boys, Gano and Big Robb, did not climb Kilimanjaro, at least not at this point in their lives. But some of their buddies did, which I'm told is an event that you celebrate in the mountaineering community. So at this party are John O, Big Rob, and many other members of the Australian climbing community, including many single women. Now, we both live in Brooklyn and work in media. We have been at parties with awkward 20-something-year-old guys who may or may not yet be housebroken. Every party. Every party. How do these kinds of guys flirt?

I feel like they are often talking about themselves, very confident unduly so, and you are not getting a word in. Yeah, and it's because they don't know how to ask a question because they're so scared. They're too scared, like faux confidence, and they will not let you talk because as soon as you say something, they're like, oh, shoot. I don't know what to say, and she's so much better than me that I ever will be. Exactly. You have gotten the vibe perfectly. At the beginning of this party, Jono and Big Rob are just lurking. in various corners, sort of like furtively looking over at the girls and mostly failing to talk to them until Big Rob spots the single coolest girl he has ever seen in his entire life.

She has certainly got the most powerful thighs Big Rob has ever seen in his life. Yes. Along with some impressively tight bell bottoms, because it's the 70s, Her red hair is cut into a ziggie Stardust-esque mullet. Oh, love. And Starman is Big Rob's favorite song. Oh, my God. Perfect. So Big Rob immediately makes a beeline over to this woman, just, like, shoving his way through the crowd.

He joins the little circle of people she's talking to, and then he just freezes. This boy, like, I honestly feel a little bad. Yeah, like Big Rob just stands there, speechless, until the woman is like, uh, hello, I'm Beck. And this is the most beautiful name Big Rob has ever heard. So beautiful that he forgets his own name. Oh, my God, Big Rob, come on, please. Please, you're bungling it.

So after a full five seconds of silence, Big Rob just gives a single nod and then runs away back to Jono, who has been watching this whole thing from across the room. Jono's like, ugh, not going to lie, that was hard to watch. Poor Big Rob. I mean, Jono's telling him straight, man. I know. And I think maybe now is a good time to give a little reminder. that these men are regularly doing something called ice climbing, which is exactly what it sounds like,

which is climbing an entirely frozen block of ice. Like, these men will ascend an entire block of ice instead of learning how to talk to women at parties. Many such cases, many such cases. So, you have made a fool of yourself in front of someone you think is really hot. How do you go about salvaging the situation? um just by jumping off the face of the earths hello duh um just removing myself from the equation entirely i mean okay i feel like other than um that extreme option i feel like i would find

a mutual like i feel like i would find a way in through like a comfort friend yeah that's smart That's not what these boys do. Of course not. Jono is like, don't worry, man. The night is still young. And his first step to salvaging the situation is getting properly drunk because Big Rob just needs a little liquid courage. He was off his game because he was nervous.

Oh, okay, sure. So, Jono and Big Rob commenced to getting drunk on a truly incomprehensible amount of logger. They're having a great time. They're getting to know other people at the party. including the host whose name is Locky Webb. Of course it is. No, amazing, amazing work.

They're trading war stories about like frostbite and exposure. They're making plans to climb shit together. It is a great time. The party carries on long enough that everyone is pleasantly drunk. And if I know anything about Australians, it is that their version of pleasantly drunk would have me passed out on the floor. Mm-hmm. So true. Which maybe helps explain how a little after midnight the party starts to run low on alcohol. Now, there is a shop on the corner a few blocks down, so it would be easy to run down and go grab some more beer. So easy, in fact, Jono comes up with a better idea. An idea so good that it solves not just their lack of alcohol, but also Big Rob's earlier fumble with Beck.

oh boy that's the perfect reaction because before I tell you the plan what do you think the plan is oh god I don't even want to say to me it involves something illegal I don't mean

I just think someone's gonna drink too much we're already there babe I don't know I think someone's gonna just make even more of a fool themselves I don't know I'm scared I'm scared I'm going to be so honest with you. There is no universe in which I would have guessed the plan that Gano comes up with.

But Gano is thinking on a grander scale than I am. To Gano, this is the perfect opportunity. In fact, maybe their only chance to so thoroughly impress all the ladies at the party that something as trivial as conversational skill will be rendered unnecessary. You know those pop culture scandals you still can't stop thinking about. Yeah, us too. So we made a podcast about all the ones we can't forget. I'm Sadap and I'm Sarah.

We're journalists and self-identified historians of celebrity gossip. On our podcast, The Reheat, we dive into the biggest celebrity scandals of the past and re-examine them with fresh eyes and a whole lot less shame. I never thought I would be a Samantha, but I really, really connect with her now. And I have learned to empathize with Marvel executives at this point, having done this much research. And I believe it. It's like pop culture therapy with your smartest, funniest friends. What do you wear for that important, historic moment?

What do you wear for that moment? I do love that. See, now what you're doing is dangerous. You're making me like Kate Middleton, and I never thought that I would get there. I do like the two of you could hang out and have fun. We probably could have a very good time. A very good time. Listen to the reheat wherever you get your podcasts.

Lockyweb's apartment is on the top floor of a previously industrial neighborhood in Sydney, like think Williamsburg before it got gentrified. So these apartments are big with high ceilings and giant windows looking out onto the street. Johno's plan is, instead of just using the stairs to get more alcohol, like a boring person, They should repel old school style out of the big industrial windows, no harness, just the climbing rope, down four stories to the street, and then go get the beer. Oh, my God. I should have guessed that. They're climbers.

Oh, my God. That's so dumb. I'm assuming that you see some problems with this plan. Could you tell me what problems you're? see what this plan? Four stories and a climbing rope. Uh-huh. Yeah. And no heart, like, hello?

The problem is certain death and brain damage, if not. The problem is gravity and CTE. Yes. I guess it was the 70s, so what do they know? It might not surprise you to hear that Big Rob is obsessed with this plan. Obsessed.

so obsessed that he's like, I should be the one to go down, which Jono thinks they're considering they're going to use Big Rob's climbing rope, which Big Rob, of course, brought with him to the party because what is a party without climbing rope, you know? Oh, my God, these men truly choosing to climb instead of learning out and talk to women. No, literally, men will do so many things besides go to therapy. Yes. The party's host, Locky Webb, is also. obsessed with this idea.

Locky! It's your place. They're going to be blaming you. They didn't sign a waiver going in. Yeah. This is where I should maybe reiterate here that everyone is plastered out of their minds at this point in the night, which is maybe how Locky Webb comes up with a genius idea to wrap Big Rob's rope around the leg of the bed in the bedroom. And from there, our boys stretched the rope across the bed. room, into the living room, which obviously gets everyone at the party's attention, including

Bex, our boys then open the big industrial window and dangle the rope down to see if it's long enough. It is. No. As a test, Big Rob gives the rope a tug, and here's where I feel like it might be a good time to explain Big Rob's whole deal. You see, while our friend Jono is built like a gymnast, like very slight and muscled, big rob is big. Okay. So in the photo that you showed me, he was the burly guy in the shirt? Yeah. Okay. Yes. He is 6.3 and 225 pounds. Oh, boy. So when Big Big. Rob gives the rope a tug, it pulls the bed a few inches across the room. It's not.

This obviously poses a problem for Jono's plan. Oh, my God. Of course. But first, let me explain how Big Rob actually got his name. It might sound like it's because he's big, but it's actually because one time when Big Rob and Jono were 19, and he was known as just Rob. Rob had given Johno the last beer in their six-pack and Johno had said Rob had the biggest heart of any man in the world and from that day he was Big Rob.

That's actually very sweet and also hilarious. I know. It's so cute. What that was is everybody was calling Big Rob, Big Rob behind his back and then Jono called him Big Robb and was like, no, it's because your heart is big, not because we all think you're giant. That's great. Crazy. A big heart.

So, it's so crazy. And Jono's like, few, okay. Secret safe. Don't worry, guys. Solved it. Nailed that one. We're good. Correct, correct, correct. But back to the party where some problems have arisen with this plan that Jono has had. And everyone at the party is now staring at Big Rob and Johno. So what options do you think our boys have here?

I think that not going down the side of the building is not an option. Why would you say that? I think that protecting themselves and just staying inside is certainly not going to be an option because they've already done the work. That's even more embarrassing. Exactly. They've already started. Right?

They've already started. I mean, Jono could go down, right? Yeah. He's lighter. or he could just risk it because that's cool. And I feel like that's what he did. Is that what he did? Well, luckily, our friend, Jono, is quick on his feet.

He's like, ladies first, let's get as many people as possible on the bed as kind of counterbalance to Rob's weight. Okay, that's smart. And so far as any of this is smart. No, exactly. It's important to remember that this is a party full of people who, risk hypothermia for fun. Yes. And also, everyone is drunk. So

about a dozen people jump onto the bed, including none other than Beck. Oh, okay. Stakes are really high now. She's there. She's helping. Beck smiles at Big Rob as he's tying the rope around his waist. She even wishes him

good luck. So everything's coming up Big Rob so far. This is good. I don't know how I feel, honestly, but I'm like team Big Rob right now at this moment. Big Rob finishes collecting beer money from everyone at the party

before hoisting himself up onto the window ledge. Everyone in the party is cheering and waving goodbye. That sounds bad. Big Rob steps out into the air and the bed that he is attached to, which let me remind

you, has 12 very muscular climbers on it, flies, across the bedroom, through the living room, all the way to the window. Oh, no. Surely no one could have expected this. No one could have guessed. From below the window comes the very loud and unmistakable sound of a lot of glass breaking. In a panic, everyone starts pulling on the rope.

And it takes a minute, but they're all climbers with strong. arms, so they managed to pull Big Rob back up relatively quickly. He crawls through the big window and sits on the floor, covered in blood and glass, looking very dazed. Oh, my God. This has been like 30 seconds. Yeah, I would say about, yeah, about five minutes total for this entire thing. Yeah.

From a flirting standpoint, can you recover from this? You know what? Yes. Beck could be like, wow, I saved him, but he risked that. That's impressive. That's amazing. That's hot even. And he could be like, wow, you're even hotter when you save me.

They could work. I could see something. I can see something. Well, almost immediately, Beck rushes over from the bed and starts picking shards of glass out of big Rob's huge, bushy beard. Like, Beck just takes charge. She's calling for damp cloths and bandages and iodine. The climbers, of course, have plenty of first aid supplies.

And Big Rob is just grinning because despite the fact that he is covered in blood and glass, he is finally talking to Beck. Yes, this is, I knew, I knew it was going to work out. You never had any doubts. I was always on board. I always thought this was a great idea. Jono was pumping his fist. He's like, everything did not go exactly as planned, but it is. is still working out pretty well. In fact, it's working out so well that it takes

Jono and everyone else at the party a hot minute to realize that the windows to Lockyweb's apartment isn't actually broken, even though Big Rob is covered in glass. Oh, no, because they're on the fourth floor. Mm-hmm. There's a ton of other windows. Mm-hmm. Oh, boy. Yeah, this means that someone else's window in the building has a big rob-shaped hole in it. Oh, no. Which means, at best, angry neighbors or at worst, the cops. And there is evidence everywhere in Locky Webb's apartment. There's the blood and the glass, obviously, but also when the bed flew across the room,

it left these deep scratches all across the wooden floor. Oh, my God. What would you do if you were at this party? I would bail. Same. I would not be at this party anymore. Yeah, yeah. I would leave.

And some people do. But Jono feels responsible for all of this, so he immediately starts covering up the damage. Meanwhile, Locky Webb is like, if you are going to leave, you have to leave now. So if the cops come, they don't just see a bunch of people walking out the building. So some people leave. But other people really want to see how this turns out. And I respect those people, too. I'm going to be honest.

Like, we would either have left or we would be that person. No, exactly. I could easily see us being that person. Just being like, if you stay, I stay, I want to see what happens. Yeah. Like, we would just be waiting for the other one to be like, yo, wait. Yeah. So John O'Locky Webb, they push the bed back into place.

They pull a rug over the worst of the scratches on the floor and the living room. Someone else cleans up the glass. They closed the big bay window. They turn the music down to a demure level. And they hide some of the empty alcohol bottles. So it doesn't seem like 50 people were partying in one apartment. And then they wait. And they wait.

And they wait. It's been about 45 minutes. And Jono is just starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, everything's going to be okay. And then there is a knock at the front door. Oh, boy. Jono looks at Big Rob, who is, like, less covered in blood and glass than he was half an hour ago, but he still does not look great. Big Rob is too busy looking at Beth to notice Jono telling him to hide.

But, again, Beck has everything under control. She heard that knock on the door and immediately pulled Big Rob into the bathroom. Wow. Okay, Beck. Yeah. Half the other partygoers hide as well. And remember, this is a party full of climbers, so they find some insane hiding spots. Like, Jono is fairly sure he sees at least three people in the rafters and one on top of the fridge.

I was thinking, like, Spider-Man style hanging off the ceiling. Exactly. So once everyone is settled Spider-Man style, Locky Webb and Jono opened. the door and waiting in the hallway are two cops. Oh, boy. I mean, I'm kind of glad it's cops and not angry neighbor low key. That's true. Yeah. Because you got to stick around with that neighbor unless you move. Mm-hmm. You're always going to have to deal with that neighbor. Mm-hmm. And luckily for our friends, these cops are clearly quite young and new to the forest. they're fresh and not yet jaded by living among miscreants like Jono and his friends,

which, again, is a direct quote from our friend who submitted the story. Miscreants, incredible. So these baby cops asked Jono and Locky Webb if they've seen anything unusual that night. Locky Webb is like, nope, nothing of note. Great, great answer, great answer. Yeah, Jono agrees like, yeah, it's been pretty quiet over here. One of the cops is like, well, that's really strange because we got the most fascinating call from the apartment one floor down, where a group of ladies in their 50s were having a night of their own. Ladies in their 50s.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Specifically, they were having their monthly bunco night. So music was playing. Gin was flowing. When these 50-year-old ladies told the cops a giant man with a huge bushy beard and thighs the size of wild boars flew through. the big bay window said oh no oh shit and then flew out again oh my god and like did big rob he must have seen them like he knew right or he didn't know um it's unclear how much you see when you fly through a window

in your experience in your experience i don't know how much you saw yeah in my experience of flying through a window and then being hauled out within like a minute, I don't really know how much I'm taking in the scenery. Oh my God. Okay, fair, fair to each her own. Jono starts laughing

really nervously. He's like, damn, that's crazy. And the cops are like, yeah, we didn't really believe it either, especially since it sounds like a lot of gin was flowing at this bunco night. Oh, no.

But the cops are like, we went and checked it out, and the window was definitely shattered from the outside, even though the lady's bunko night is taking place in an apartment that is three floors off the street. So the cops are like, we're just taking a look at all of the apartments close by. Do you mind if we take a look around? And what are our boys say? They're like, yeah. That's fine. Let's just get a rug real quick on the giant bed post marks. How are you feeling? Do you have any concerns? Okay. The fact that it was old ladies, that's a shocking reveal.

Because that's like old ladies watching this young burly ass man. I love that. But also that they're drunk. I'm worried about the boys gaslighting and somehow pinning this on them. I don't know. I have a vision, but I don't feel good about where it's going in this apartment. Yeah, I feel like I must again reiterate here that everyone in the story, except the cops, is absolutely off their ass drunk. Because, of course, everyone had kept drinking while they waited for the cops to show up. What else were they going to do? No, they were drinking too. John O'Ne and Big Rob and everybody. Oh, of course. Of course. Oh, my God. This is the only explanation I can accept for why Jono and Locky Webb tell the cops,

yeah, sure, come on in. Oh, my God. And then Jono really loudly is like, we don't have any giant men with bushy beards and thighs the size of wild boars here. Just some friends. And it's like, no, we don't only have that. It's actually we have men and women like that. The cops are like, uh,

Great, thanks. And then they take a look around. They inspect all the windows and the window ledges, which have thankfully been cleaned of blood and glass. They take a look in all the rooms and see nothing suspicious. In fact, the only question they have is about the white powder that's all over the apartment. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Luckily, there's actually an innocent explanation for this. Locky Webb is like, oh, that's climbing powder. That's what we used to keep our hands dry. All right. I mean, why am I thinking these guys are good at partying? It's so true. And one of the cops is like, oh, is that what the rope is for? Because lying on the ground is Big Rob's rope that they have forgotten to hide.

The key weapon. Yeah. Other than Big Rob's body. What? How do you forget the rope? Locky Webb almost chokes. And then John was like, yeah, yep, yep. We were just testing the rope.

Oh, no, oh no. Which is apparently enough for these baby cops because they're just about to go. When one of them notices the closed bathroom door, behind which is a giant man with a huge bushy beard and thighs the side. size of wild boars, covered in bandages. Oh, man, if I were rob, I'd be hopping in that shower. Like, I would be like, sorry, I'm naked. Just I can't.

Johno's like, oh, shit. Just as the cop is like, that bathroom door has been closed for a while now. Oh, boy. All Johno can do is watch as the cop knocks on the bathroom door. There's no answer, and the cop knocks again. and then the door flies open. Can't you see we're busy, Beck says? And Beck is sitting on Big Rob's lap.

Big Rob has never looked happier, which Jono can see more clearly than ever before because Big Rob's big bushy beard is gone. Whoa. Apparently from inside the bathroom, Beck and Big Robb had heard the description. of a giant man with a huge bushy beard and thighs the size of wild boars. And they couldn't do anything about Big Rob's thighs, at least not in a few minutes.

But Beck is a quick thinker. She had found a razor in Locky Webb's bathroom and immediately started shaving Rob. She barely finished when the cop knocked on the bathroom door. Women always got to fix men's messes. Women and Sim. Women. Women. The M. Stamps are mountaineering.

Women in STEM. This is why we invested from this moment on there, like, we got to put money into women in STEM. We figured out what to use it for her. The baby cop sees Beck on Big Rob's lap and turns red as a beat. He's like, sorry to interrupt. Wow. And closes the bathroom door before turning to his colleague and saying,

I think we've seen everything we need. Incredible. Incredible thinking. Jono is like breathing a sigh of relief. He's watching as the cops turn to leave. He's like, we are so close to getting away home free. And then right at that moment, one of the climbers, who has been clinging to the rafters for the past 15 minutes, falls to the apartment floor right in front of the cops. Oh, no. Who would have fought?

have thought. Luckily, these are people who are professionally good at falling. I think if you climb, you have to learn to fall. Uh, so while it's very loud, the climber mostly looks fine. Still, the cops are like, sir, do you need medical attention? And lucky love's like, we're good. We're just, um, practicing for our next expedition. These guys are smarter than you would ever have thought. Listen, drunk brain really comes in handy sometimes. It really does. And they are practiced. Yeah.

You got to think quick when you're out in the elements. Yes. And that is basically the end of our story. I do have some updates for you, but I wanted to ask you, if you were to try and date a boy, like Big Rob or Jono, what do you think is the safest date you can take a man like this on? Safe it. I'm never going higher than the ground floor with these guys ever. And we are not going near a bar or restaurant. We are going to like craft night at like a senior center.

Except we aren't even safe at the senior center because these old ladies, you know, they're popping off. No, it's so true. It's so true. Yeah, I'm just like, take them to the park. But even that is so dangerous. We have to be in a clothes contained environment and there must be no windows. Mm-hmm. And nothing they can repel off at all.

So the updates are after the cops leave, Big Rob and Jono and Locky Webb pool all of the money that they had meant to spend on beer and they leave it in a brown paper bag in front of the door of the apartment below them because they feel bad about breaking the window. Oh, my God. Thoughtful.

Yeah, thoughtful. But this only adds to the mystery of the whole thing for the ladies downstairs who apparently talked about the time the giant bearded man with great thighs flew through the window and flew back out for a solid three decades afterwards. I mean, honestly, as girlies who love a story, they were gifted an amazing story. No, it's so true. It would be like, do you remember?

And I'd be like, yeah, of course I do. I haven't seen thighs like that since. Wild boar size. Exactly. The next update is that the morning after Big Rob's flight, Beck visits Big Rob to check up on us injuries, of course. And the two end up dating for a couple of years. Years. Yeah. They are still friendly to this day, but Beck understood pretty quickly that the true love of Big Rob's life is Jono. Which you call from the very beginning. I literally called it I'm practiced Big Rob and

Johno are in their 70s now and they're still climbing together they are no better at talking to women and apparently their nursing homes do not allow them on any floor but the ground floor exactly a nursing home

with a basement is the best place for these guys and that is the end of our story story. Thank you so much for joining me, Allegra. Thank you for giving me an amazing story that I'm going to steal and tell other people now. I'm going to blog about this one. Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at NormalGossip at Defector.com, or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 Gossip. If you love this podcast. I want to support us

become a friend or a friend of a friend at support normalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at Normal Gossip. You can follow me on social media at Hey Dene, H-E-Y-Y-Y-D-N-A-E. This podcast was produced by Sierra Spragley Ricks and Jay Tolviera. Our

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member of Radiotopia. I'm your host, Rachel Hampton, and remember, you didn't hear this for me.