Not Another D&D Podcast - Adventure Book Theatre - Goosebumps: Trapped in Bat Wing Hall

Episode Date: October 1, 2026

The Lore Lords (and Jake? I think???) enter the library once more for a reading of R.L. Stein's "Give Yourself Goosebumps: Trapped in Bat Wing Hall." Get your switchblade ready, because things are about to get hairy!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Lyon8-Bit Book Club Theme by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum podcast. They made a book about a video game. Game. We made a podcast about that. Welcome to Apeat Book Club, everybody. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. It's been a minute. We are your lore lords, Brian Murphy, Emily Axford,

called Well Tanner, joined by a first-time guest, Jake Hurwitz. Wow. Welcome to the library. Good to have you here. Hey, everybody. Thanks so much. Don't touch anything. Yeah, I won't.

I'm glad this guy. schedule's finally aligned. Yeah. Yeah. My agents were hounding you. I know that. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, I blocked all of that. I didn't know you still did stuff. Yeah. How does someone who does so little have so many agents? Yeah. Well, I keep on having to fire them slash they let me go. Check out. Yeah.

So yeah. All right. Well, guest Jake Hurwitz is joining us to read goosebumps. Give yourself goosebumps. Read or be aware. You choose the scare. Number three, trapped in Batwing, Hall. Number three,

an early entry. Yeah. R. L. Stein is still getting his footing with these. Yeah. So let's get into it. Beware, do not read this book from beginning to end. We know R.L. Come on. Unlike you, we've read a few of these.

This is the cold open. Making friends in your new town is harder than you thought. You have right. Our character is cool. The kids in your school are members of the horror club. Oh, I have to say horror a lot. And everybody knows I'm bad at that. Anyway. They have their meeting.

after dark in Batwing Hall, a rundown house that's haunted by the ghost of Professor Kruppnick. Wait, a professor ghost? Yeah, dude. This is great, so we're going to get a ghost haunting but also some mad science in there. There you go.

R. L, you were figuring it out. Number three, you were clicking. Yeah. Also, Trial was cooking. Trying to fit in with the cool horror students. Yeah. This is a world where the goths are the cool. Yeah, these are theater kids.

It's carefully. It's Halloween. Goths prevail. When the horror club decides to play a spooky game, you really want to join in. But then you find out you'll have to search the professor's cursed crypt in the cemetery. What? What? Okay. This is all over the place.

Okay, so we're already leaving the school. Yeah. Can I also say, I don't think a single one of my professors that have passed, passed into a crypt. Does anyone get a crypt? Do normal people get a crypt these days? I think maybe if you got like a family. You can't get one on a teacher's salary. Yeah.

You have to be rich to be in a crypt. Okay, okay. So it's not like... Maybe it's not like... Maybe Professor Krupnik has like an interesting thing where his dad was like, you have to inherit our family business. And he's like, no, I'm a teacher in Batwing Hall. Dad could have founded the school.

Yeah, founded the school. Do we know what kind of professor he was? Was it like business? Was it econ? We'll find out. Okay. Oh, that's interesting. I kind of like the idea that he was like,

I want to become an English teacher. And his father was like, how dare you? I renounce your inheritance, but you will keep your spot in the crypt. The family crypt. I can chastise you in the afterlife. How dare you choose poetry over business. Okay, so apparently in this graveyard, there's just a bunch of shit that we have to be worried about.

So we're going to cut right to page one. Sure. It instantly starts off with some serious 90s. Finally, we're still back. This town stinks. It's Friday afternoon. The end of your first weekend, your new school. Your family just moved to this town last month.

And so far... Just last month? Just last month. This stinks. This stinks. This really stinks. And so far, no one at school has even tried to be your friend. Day after day.

Okay, here's what we're doing wrong. We haven't started lying enough. Oh, that's fair. We need to start lying about what, because this is the 90s. We got expelled from our last school. We got expelled from our last school for having a switchblade. For having a switchblade that was also. And they confiscated it.

And his switch blade was also a lighter. There you go. We used to know how to, we knew how to do tricks with it. We don't know how to do. If you asked me to do the tricks now, I don't know how, because I'm expelled. And I haven't practiced since. But my girlfriend in Canada saw me do this. There you go.

She could describe them to me. And we were thinking about using the lighter to smoke cigarette. I would call my girlfriend in Canada, but I'm grounded. We can't do long distance calls. It's the 90s. Yeah, because last time she called, we started talking dirty and then my parents grounded me. Yeah. Even though I've done all that stuff in real life.

Dirty, dirty phone calls. It was a dirty phone call. My dad picked up the line. Yeah. My dad picked up the line. And he said, you sound really experienced, but you have to stop. Okay. How did you get so good at this?

This can't be your first dirty phone call. Day after day, you sit in class waiting for someone to talk to you, waiting and staring at all the strange faces around you. We are locked and loaded for whenever someone does talk to us. We're bursting. Switch blades and dirty phone calls. Yeah. We're ready to go. We're ready to go.

How could you possibly go through the year without any friends? You wonder. You're cool. You know you are. We know this. You had tons of friends at your old school before we got expelled. You trudged home slowly. all you have to look forward to

to is a boring weekend of watching TV with your parents and your brady little brother But only because we're grounded Only because we're grounded for phone sex Yeah Yeah because we were smoking during phone sex Holy shit, okay Then something hits the back of your jacket

You whirl around a pebble drops on the ground You glance up and notice a brown-haired boy about your age shit everybody get it together Get it together get it together Get it together get ready Wait don't pick up the pebble It doesn't matter how interesting it looks Don't pick up the pebble.

You're not a rock kid, are you? What a cigarette smoking phone sexer would do. I have phone blades with my switch sex. Fuck. Hi, he calls out. I'm Nick. Hi, you reply and introduce yourself. We're in the same class at school, Nick says.

That's funny, you think. You don't remember seeing him there. Uh-oh, he's a ghost. But you smile anyway. You're so happy someone is finally talking to you. I live there, Nick tells you. He points to a two-story greenhouse on the next block. You gaze back in a shop.

A greenhouse? He lives in a greenhouse? That's what it says. Oh, plant person. Yeah, he's a plant kid. So cool in the 90s. The dream. Are you growing weed in there? Because I actually like to smoke marijuana.

Yeah. I've thought about it. Specifically the illegal kind. It gives me the mood for phone sex. I get so high and I just need to talk someone on. I love to describe a blowjob. But you can't live there, you exclaim. There's no way.

So creative with my phone sex. The adjectives are just flowing from. And your voice gets a little dry and hoarse. You get the perfect rasp in your voice. All right. Is everyone done? What do you mean I can't live there? Nick asks laughing.

I know my own house. I live next door, you tell him. You point to the red brick house next to the green one. The greenhouse has been empty all month. There haven't been any lights on. No cars in the driveway. That's because Nick is dead, dude. We all know.

We all know this. I was on vacation with my family. We got back last night. For a month, Nick. Come on. What do you think of school? Okay, I guess. You reply.

You're afraid to say anything more. You never know. Maybe this kid Nick actually likes school. Yeesh. That would read. Could you guys believe? That would be embarrassing. First off, we do, I'm going to do a slight of hand to pick up the pebble.

All right. You have a minus five. 19 on the die. Okay. So, 14, pretty good. We palm the pebble. Yeah, we palm the pebble. And then also I want to tell him like, hey, you're dead.

You're clearly a ghost. Excuse me? I'm also expelled. Not from life. Like you. Okay. No, I was just on a month long trip with my family. Were you killed in a month.

switchblade accent. I could have defended you. Can you believe how much homework our teacher gave us this weekend? Nick complains. How does Nick know about this? You've been on vacation, dude. Oh, he kicks a stone down the street as you walk. All the kids who had Mr.

Matt went to try and see him. Fuck, it flew too far. Yeah, it's too far away. Went down a damn sworek rate. All the kids who had Mr. McCormick last year say he's really tough and mean, a total monster. Oh, shit. He's going to be a werewolf.

You agree. The next thing you know, you and Nick are comparing favorite rock groups in comic books. We love rocks. Wait, what? Really? Yeah, your favorite rock groups and comic books. Does that mean like music or like groups of rocks?

It means like sedentary, metamorphic, igneous. Look, geodes and granite. R.L. had his finger on the pulse. He's like, what do kids like? They like every comic book. They're like every just rock group. Yeah.

And they hate homework. I mean, he's dialed in. Yeah. Both of you collect Spider-Man comics. Oh, wait. RL, can you say that? Yeah, I don't know if you can say that. Is it hyphenated?

It is even if you get, oh, wow, that's the official spelling. Fuck. All right. Nick has all the first issues from the last five years, too. Comics are cool, Nick says. But do you know what's even cooler? What, you ask? He better not whip out of switchblade.

Yeah, he whips out of switchblade. And then has phone sex on it. Holy shit, you talked off a switch plate. Switchblade cell phone? Like when someone talks into a banana. Which is so. It's a Motorola razor. I love it when Emily talks in open hands.

She talks dirty to it as well. What you ask, horror stories, Nick exclaims. In fact, I, he stops talking and stares at you. What you ask? What about horror stories? It's probably way too scary for you. Nick replies, nothing's too scary for me, you boast. I got expelled for having a switchblade.

That's because you'd never bid the horror club, Nick says. What's that? Nick grins. It's a club I belong to. You got to be really brave to be a member. When we meet, we tell spooky stories, really scary. Cool, you reply. I got a spelled from my last school for switchblades and phone sex.

And I love scary stories. I'm actually a bit of a word smith. We say, I'll ask my girlfriend, can I do my phone sex? You want to see scary? Look at my phone bill to Toronto. Yeah. Have ever been to Friggins Saskatchewan? Neither have I.

I'm so good at talking my girlfriend to climax, but it's scary. Yeah. My girlfriend's a friend of the Ottawa senators because she's from Canada. You know what makes me scared when my girlfriend's flying so high. I don't know if she'll come down this time. Yeah, that's true. Here's a picture of her. She's on the back of this magazine. She's a model. She's a model. If you think you can handle it, Nick says, we meet every Friday night at Batwing Hall. Why are they allowed in the school on Friday night? Oh, here we go. That's the deserted house at the end of our street. It was old Professor Krupnik's house. I've seen the house. It looks haunted.

You tell Nick with a laugh. Don't laugh, he warns you. It is haunted. Hurry to page 100. We're going to be railroaded, dude. Yeah, no choice. I want to stab Nick. I want to unmask him.

Because we don't have our switchblade. Haunted for real, you ask? For real, Nick reply, seriously. That's why we picked it. Some of the scariest stories have ever heard happened in Batwing Hall. Like what? Like the story of the kids on Halloween night, Nick says.

They were all dressed up, trick-or-treating. They rang Krupnik's doorbell, a figure dressed all in black. lack answered and the kids were invited inside only they never came out Jesus what yeah that is scary oh that is they got turned into rocks okay what happened you asked breathlessly nobody knows nick replies and I know breathless I hear it all the time I usually save this voice yeah nobody knows nick replies but late at night you can still hear the kids screams horrible screams and when the moon is full some people say they've seen little creatures in monster costumes roaming about inside the house trapped forever

Wait, in monster costumes? In monster costumes? Right, like they died in their costumes. Yeah, because they died in their costumes, dude. Okay, okay, that is scary. That's scarier than a werewolf. Is it a kid dressed as a werewolf who haunts a house? Right, you're seeing two monsters, a ghost and whatever the ghost is dressed as.

Yeah. Shoot. R.L. was ahead of his time. Shoot. Wow, great story you say. It's not a story Nick tells you. I mean, it is. Nick is intense. Even if it's true, it's a story.

Nick, what's up? You entered this combo at 11. You just, like, showed up and you knew what. class I was in even though you've been on vacation. You're really tense for being away for a month. Yeah. Nick, you need some phone sex, my mom, Jim.

Let me set you up with a few numbers. We're both freaking 35 years old. One of them is mine. Okay. It's not a story. First lesson's free. Being a member of the horror club can be dangerous, very dangerous. He pauses and adds, today's Friday.

We meet tonight. Do you want to come? What do you think? Risk it to go to the horror club tonight. Turn to page 17. Say thanks anyway. Go to page. 91.

No. The book. Wait, Merv. Let me make this point. It's possible. I'm holding the book. I'm going to veto this.

It's possible. It's a trick question. If we go to the hard club, we won't be there to receive his phone call to have phone. It's also possible that it's a test to find out if we actually have phone sex. Because if we're like, yeah, we're down to go. All right.

I haven't seen the movie ghost, but did they have phone sex with a ghost? We're supposed to go home and have sex with our Canadian girlfriend anyway. Okay. Yeah. So I guess, yeah. If we go home, we could have phone sex with a ghost and that's unexplored territory. So I say, shit, what time is it?

It's nighttime in Canada and then everyone's home. Okay. I'm turning to page 91 to say thanks anyway. Great choice. Now you're stuck at home with nothing to do. What? Sure, you can clean out your closet or play stupid board games with your little brother, but that doesn't change things.

You still have no friends. You're still bored. But wait, you have one last chance. You hurry to the big yellow phone book. You look up Nick's phone number. You grab the phone and dial. I told you. And then you hear Nick's voice.

Hello? Turn to page 17. I told you. Hello. Don't say hello yet. Just breathe first. My hands quivers as I hold my translucent phone that you can see the circuit boards inside of. The horror club sounds great, you tell Nick.

Count me in. I'll meet you in front of your house at 9 o'clock tonight. See, this is the expertise of, R. L. Stein, he doesn't specify that we're talking on the phone right now. We could be anywhere. You know, we got railroad and we didn't even see it coming. Damn. You agree. And say your eyes. Then you rush into your kitchen to find your parents. You tell them you've made a friend and you've been invited to a club meeting. They're so happy for you after the expulsion. Of course, you don't tell them that the meeting is in a deserted, boarded up old house. And you could

just do that in the 90s. You'd be like, Mom, Dad, I'm going out tonight. Yeah. Try and find this phone. Try and find it. And then you flip your parents off, you show them your switchblade tricks and you leave and you moonwalk out. Beat me 911 if you need me. Yeah. At 9 o'clock, you joined Nick under the elm tree in your front yard. A skinny, fidgety girl with messy, long, dark hair waits with Nick. This is Debbie, he tells you. She's a member of the club too. Hi, Debbie says. Is Debbie with Nick? Is this going to... Yeah, it seems. Perception. She says, hi, I'm Debbie. I'm recently divorced. I'm 43 years old

I have three kids Debbie this is actually pretty inappropriate for you to be here we're only 35 we're only 35 age gap is crazy yeah fair yeah our frontal lobe was only developed 10 years ago you can barely see her face under all her thick hair

and she always seems to be squirming about you wonder what's with this strange girl everyone in this town needs phone sex they crave it they're craving it you follow your new friend up the hill to the end of the long dark street the farther you go the fewer houses there are at the end of the road all the street lights are out the sky is pitch black if it weren't for nick's flashlight you'd probably trip over your own feet there it is nick says pointing batwing hall wait so it's just the three of us it's just the three of us i feel like nick and demi used to just hook up certainly let's find a pay phone real quick yeah

we can do one hundred collect yeah Yeah, that's true. We can still do that. A huge dark shadow looms at the end of the street. It's the mansion. You stop walking and gaze up at it. Nick shines his flashlight at the old house on the hill. Batwing Hall is a two-story old-fashioned house.

All the windows that aren't boarded up are broken. Loose shingles flap from the roof. Paint peals from the weathered sides of the house. It looks as if no one has lived here for hundreds of years. Crazy the flippers didn't get to this one. Yeah. You climb up to the bones are there. Yeah, that's true.

Black Rock is going to be making a bid in 2020. Oh, they got there. You see the millennial gray porch with Nick and Debbie. Tall, overgrown trees and bushes cast eerie shadows across the deserted lawn. Isn't this place awesome? Debbie whispers to you. Really cool, you agree. Debbie's into real estate.

This house has been empty for two years, Nick tells you, ever since crazy old professor Krupnik died. No one will buy it because it's haunted, Debbie explains. You notice she's chewing nervously at the ends of her long hair. Yuck. Dude, come on. The front door was boarded up until we figured out how to pry it open, Debbie says. She points the large wooden door.

Let's go. You take a step forward. Stop, Nick shouts. Get down now. If you do as Nick says, turn to page 19. If you ignore him and head for the door or go to page 85. Okay, this is a big moment for our dynamic because we did, he did try to boss us around earlier and we were like, you know, we're going home.

Yeah. Because we have fun to add. And he tried to rock at us right up top. Yeah. So, but do we sort of give into the. tug and pull and like give a little right now i'm like well here's the thing nick has already met debby's kids so nick is like ahead of the game here yeah we need to out alpha him and i didn't even go after debby after all yeah oh yeah we want to be chewing on that yeah we want to

be a dad okay i've just decided that okay cool that's cool i originally thought that the prize was phone sex with nick but now i see that it's becoming the father to i think that the phone sex unfortunately we're getting too deep and it's going to lead to phone marriage. Yeah, okay, okay. You move into Debbie's house and then you can use her phone for the long distance calls. Oh, we still keep our Canadian girlfriend. Yeah. Incredible, incredible.

Okay, Debbie. It's not cheating if it's on the phone, I don't think. Definitely not. Nick's just trying to scare you, you think. He's testing you to see if you're brave enough for the horror club. You shrug and rush forward. You dash across the porch and squeeze through a narrow space in the boards covering the front door. You land on your knees with a thud.

As soon as you hit the floor, piercing alarm sounds to the house. What's going on? You wonder. You gaze around quickly. Nick and Debbie are nowhere to be found. The dark house seems empty. You hold your ears trying to block out the horrible noise. And then through a dusty window, you see lights.

Red whirling lights. The police, you have set off a burglar alarm. Now you're in trouble. How will you ever explain this to the police or to your mom and dad? Too bad. It looks as if your adventure is over even before it begins the end. What? So they used us.

They used us as bait so they could go hook up in a haunted house. Yeah. Wow. That's so dirty. I mean, honestly, that's pretty hot for them. Yeah. It's really hot for them and not very hot for us. What do you get when you go to jail? You get one phone call. Oh. And our phone call will be Toronto. Our call will be to Toronto. All right. We're going back to page 19. I'm loony for this one.

We're going to listen to Nick this time. What is it you cry as your body hits the ground? We've got to be careful, Nick whispers. If anyone catches, if anyone catch us going in the front door, we could be in big trouble. We're not really allowed in here. You nod and watches Debbie squirms and glanced around nervously. You wonder why your new friends are so jumpy. You can't imagine how anyone could possibly see you in the darkness, but you figure Nick and Debbie know what they're doing.

You stand to follow Nick and Debbie across the porch. Keeping as quiet as possible, you pull off the broken boards on the front door. You enter the dark house. Wait. R.L. Why is the alarm not going off? This is... It's not above board, R.L.

I have a note. Well, remember this is number three. Unless... We literally started this out saying R.L. is finding his feet. He's still finding it. It's really true. Yeah. Yeah.

And they didn't have ring cams yet, so I don't know. Yeah. The air and the entryway is stale and dusty. You hold back a sneeze. Nick motions for you to follow him. You creep after Nick and Debbie down a dark hallway. The floorboards creak loudly with each step. Then you enter a big, dimly lit living room.

A broken chandelier sways from the ceiling. The faded wallpaper hangs in pieces from the walls. Dirty sheets cover what appears to be old sofas and chairs. And then you see them. Turn to page 75. Whoa. Oh, shit. Oh, this would be a great place to smoke a cigarette.

Four kids sit in a circle on the living room floor. Debbie's kids. Debbie's kids. A big yellow candle flickers in the center. They all turn and stare at you. Hey, kids, I'm your new dad. No one's happy to see you. Switch blade and lighter chair.

You stand awkwardly as Nick introduces you and says, this is our newest member. What are you talking about? cries a girl with short, curly red hair. She glares at you. Guys, we have to impress. Debbie's adult kids. Yeah. We really do.

Their age is 18 to 24 and they are cool as hell. Fuck. I brought a new member to the horror club, Nick repeats. Not today exclaims a large boy with bulging arm muscles. Oh shit. He was on the rowing. That's the alpha. Yeah.

We don't worry about Nick. Why not, Debbie asks, squirming next to you. Didn't anyone tell you, asked another girl. Tonight's the special night. You've got to get that kid out of here. We're not telling stories tonight. The plan has changed to find out what's happening. on page 20. Oh shit. It's a makeout party. Whoa, makeup party. Oh, shit. I think we got to pop a mint.

Yeah. Crunch down. Yeah. Or even a Listerine strip. Oh, a Listerine strip. Yeah. Probably one on top one on box. Here's the hardest thing is one in each cheek. One in each nostril. Yeah. And then a bonaca to finish it all off. Yeah. All right. Nick and Debbie quickly leave your side and huddle together with the other kids. You can hear them arguing, arguing about you. Then one voice rises above the others. But today is game day. You. You You know what that means. I don't you suddenly call out. Don't you suddenly call out.

You're sick of... I don't spin the bottle or seven minutes in heaven. I say as I apply more bonaca. I played them both when I was in Judy for switchblade stuff. You're sick of standing there. You want to know what's going on. It works. All six kids stop arguing.

The girl with a red hair steps towards you. I'm Marcy. She tells you. There are no stories tonight. We're playing games instead. But new members can't play. It's the rule. Shut the fuck up, Marcy.

I say pulling out. my switchblade and swinging it around wildly. I made it myself. Can't you break the rules just this one time? You ask, flicking your lighter. These aren't just ordinary games warns the boy with the large muscles. These games are scary, really scary. The scarier, the better.

I went to juvie you now, this starts another argument. Some kids want you to stay and play. Others want you to leave. All right, let's like pick up some leaves and wrap them up and pretend it to cigarette and smoke. I walk up to the smallest kid. and I crack them in the head. Oh, I was thinking, like, we need to prove that we're a good addition to the makeout game. Got you.

Okay. Like, I feel like on Love Island, when a new person enters, they make out with everyone. Right. Maybe we can just like french our hand so they see what's up. Oh, let's do that. We go in the mirror, we start kissing the mirror. Where you make your hand look like a mouth by tugging your thumb into your fingers. Where we do the funny trick where you put your hands around yourself and make it look like you're feeling yourself up.

Oh, okay. We do balls. We do both, and we say this could be you, but you're playing. And then we accidentally stab ourselves with our switchblade a little bit. And we go, oh, fuck. And then we pretend like we don't care if we know we're bleeding through our shirt. It's a homemade switchblade, by the way, that we made with a kitchen knife and a lighter. Yeah.

Debbie hurrying over to your side. Through her mane of dark hair, she whispers, go home, go home now. But at that moment, Marcy announces, it's decided you can stay and play games with that shit guys. I think we're going to get sacrificed. Probably. Great, you say, ignoring Debbie. What are we playing? Yeah, Debbie, not so interested in you anymore now that Marcy showed up.

Yeah. We move quick, Debbie. Go squirm somewhere else. Learn about the games on page 66. Railroad. Railroad much. I mean, I already know about the games. The game is called The Hunt, Marcy tells you.

Okay, that sounds like a makeout game. Okay. I don't know. I think they're going to hunt us. I think we're getting hunted. I think it's going to be hide and go seek and you make out with whoever you find. I think these kids were hunted by Professor Hummel. Trump Nick, whatever his name was.

These kids are going to kill us. I am captain of the blue team. Nick is captain of the red team. You watch as Nick picks Debbie and a skinny boy named Connor to be on his team. Connor has short, bristly hair and a very strange smell. He's dead. Yeah. As Connor walks by, you can decide he smells as if he's been lying in a dumpster.

Oh, my God. Oh, he's a dumpster diver. Wait, wait. This is a moment to be sort of generous. Let's pass a Listerine strip. Okay, we pass it to Connor. Everyone's going to be making out. He smells like a dumpster.

We could spritz him with the binocca too. Yeah. And Connor, Conner's a friggin. Connor's 27. Yeah. And Connor gets free bread. Yeah.

And goes to cool. Conner did occupy Wall Street for like three years after everyone else had left. Yeah. And that's honestly respectable. Connor, let's do a little makeover because like you deserve more. For the blue team, Marcy chooses a beautiful girl with long,

blonde hair and green eyes. Her name is Kathy Ireland. She smiles shyly at you. Marcy also picks. The guy in the muscle shirt. Hi, I'm Martin. The kid says, pounding you on the back. Welcome to the horror club.

He laughs, then flexes his muscles. You step back. Martin's arm is bigger than your whole body. We have to be a Martin's team. He's clearly the best. Really? I feel like ever since we gave Connor a makeover. No, Conner's out, dude.

Am I the only one who's feeling? Connor's out. It was like a sympathy makeover, but I don't, like, I want to do Connor the service. I don't want to fully take Connor in. Okay. So I do still respect the muscles. Okay. Connor's going to turn on us the minute that he gets interest from someone else.

Okay, okay. That's three on each team, Martin announces. Our new member can join either one. She turns to you. It's up to you. Which team will you join? Oh, shit. Would you rather hang out with Nick, Debbie, and Connor on the red team or get to know

Lara, Lara, who is Kathy Ireland. Marcy and Martin on the blue team. I guess Kathy Ireland and Martin. Yeah, we got to go with the... Now I'm kind of curious about joining Connor's team because we've established that Connor is going to die. We think he's going to die. Yeah.

He is dead. hover that we would want. This is really tough. It's hard not to just medigame this because it's like obviously the cool kids are going to kill us. Right. Yeah. I mean,

well, do we know if we're hunting for humans? Oh, shit. We don't want to get haunted by the cool kids, though. Maybe we're all hunting for a little ass is the thing. I really think this is going to turn out into like hide and go seek plus makeout. Okay. Hunting for some sweet lips.

Yeah. So if we have to make out with somebody, we probably wouldn't want to be with the jacked guy because then that's a really tough competition. We could be the alpha. if we go with Connor. Should we dance with the one that brought us? Here's the thing.

We have no friends, right? Uh-huh. So don't we want to establish that we're cool? Like, we got expelled from our last school. Yeah. We got to hang out with the cool kids, right? Yeah. Oh, that is true.

Yeah. You're kind of right. And then also, like, it's like, Debbie squirms so much. He squirms so much, dude. And the list of reing is only masking Connor sent a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Welcome to the blue team, Marcy says, with a smile. Glad you're on the team Martin adds. He crushes your hand in a hearty hand. handshake. So what are we playing? You ask. The game is called the hunt, Laura tells you.

What are we hunting for? Oh shit, it's Laura Croft. Whoa. Checks out. That's good to be on a hunting team with. Hunting for relics? Marcy's voice drops down to a croaking whisper. The creepiest most terrifying things we can find, she says.

We vote on which team finds the scariest stuff, Martin explains. If you haven't chickened out by them, you'll become an official member of the horror club. Don't worry about me, you say. I was expelled from my last school. Come on, Laura says. Let's get this game going. You follow your teammates outside. Marcy goes first.

I don't like, Marcy's my least favorite. I say we push her down the stairs as soon as we get a chance. Yeah, I think so. So we replace her. Let's distract everyone by bragging about how at our old school we were so good at French kissing that the principal got mad at us. Yeah. The reason we got expelled for our switchblade tricks was because we got suspended multiple times

for French kissing. Yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah. The switch bat was like the last straw. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone at our old school got mono because I taught everyone how to kiss.

Yeah. But I'm not the one who first had mono. I just was the vector. Yeah, everyone was squirming too much. I wasn't patient zero. I was just the vector. Her flashlight beam bounces around the overgrown yard, making weird yellow shadows. You begin scanning the yard, but Martin stops you not here, he says.

You're the newest member. You have to pass the test. Test, you don't like the sound of that. Martin grins and points across the street. You go there. The cemetery, 106. We got to put Martin in his place. Yeah, that's true.

I think he's going to be tough. He's really. They want you to search the cemetery all by yourself. You're about to say, no way, Jose. But then you figure that's just what they expect you to do. You'll show them. Great, you declare. I bet I'll find the winning object.

You even kind of mean it. And after all, if the game is won by finding the scariest stuff, then your teammates just handed you an easy score. We're going to go steal flowers from a grave. I'm just kidding. But like, what are you going to find at a cemetery that's scary? It's definitely the meanest thing you can steal. There's nothing to steal that's good.

Yeah. It's all just precious things that belong to the dead. Yeah. What better place to look than a cemetery? You give your teammates a thumbs up and hurry across the street. The cemetery is really old and most of the gravestones are chipped and crumbling. Sorry, to be clear, so we're just leaving the haunted mount in the house? That's true. Yep.

Okay. For sure. Is there a pay phone nearby? Yes. I could really go for. Yeah. Quick pick me up. Yeah.

I will, like, we don't actually have a girlfriend in Canada. We're lying about that. So like, actually. You can still call like a phone sex hot. Yeah. And then we make them pretend. We say, could you unzip your parka a little bit? As you stumble over a lumpy grave, you feel something grab at your ankle, you yelp and jump

back. Few, it was just a gnarled root. The moonlight cast an eerie glow creating strange shadows. You carefully make your way toward a small building. There's just enough light for you to read the words, Krupnik crypt, carved in the stone over the doorway. Oh, shit, we can get his dad's bones. Crupnet crypts.

Wow. Here's your chance to impress your new friends. You know you will find something scary inside a crypt, but do you have the nerve to enter? Of course I do. Of course we do. Just quick phone call real quick to our girlfriend. We're going to share a cup of poo team with her

and then we're going to pass it between each other's mouths in a sex area. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You approach the heavy stone door of the crypt. Instead of a doorknob, it has a thick iron ring. Chisels in the stone above the ring are these words. Who turns the stone will grow bat bones. What could that possibly mean, you wonder? A sudden movement...

It means literally what it says, dude. Yeah. Bat bones would be so bad to have. They're so hollow and small. I was going to say, I'm assuming they're like bird bones. A sudden movement draws your attention. Near the top of the crypt, you see a small hole about your size. While you watch, a tiny black bat flies out of the hole and flutters off into the night.

Outrageous, you think. Maybe you can catch a bat inside the crypt. That would win the contest for sure. Oh, that would be scary. Yeah. But how would you get inside? The door's covered with cobwebs. Obviously, it hasn't been open a long time.

Maybe you could crawl to the top of the crypt and crawl in through the the hole the bat came out of, or maybe you should just try to pull the big stone door open. It might work, which will you try? We should jimmy it with our switchblade. We got to go hole. We got to go hole. The inscription says if you turn it,

you're a bat. I don't want to become a bat. I do wonder, though, like if we could just sort of put like a garbage bag over that hole and a bat will just fly into it. Oh, that's good. And then we catch a bat.

Oh, yeah. Do we bring a garbage bag? We brought a garbage bag. Do we have a dog? Do we have any dog bags for picking up their shit? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So we put a garbage bag Over the stone door Should we roll? We probably should roll Yeah, go for it There we go I got a knot one

I also got a net one Okay So that means we're gonna Let me roll and see if I get that one too I did get a four Okay So that's gonna make us open That makes us open the stone door

Straight up the whole collapses With the weight of the huge garbage bag That we found It was a contractor Yeah, it was a contractor bag. It was full of cement. You step up to the door and grasp the ring in both hands. It's covered with rust and cobwebs, and you have a feeling it hasn't been moved in a long time.

You pull on it, but the thing won't budge. You clutch the ring even tighter and pull all your weight into it. A hideous screeching noise fills the air. Caldo, can give us one? Oh shit, I didn't know I was on the phone with Canada. What is making that gas is down? Is it Canada? Slowly, slowly, the heavy stone door swings open.

and holding your breath, you tiptoe inside. You see a large casket sitting on a stone platform in the middle of the dark room. For a moment, you can't move. You stare at the casket and think, there's a dead person in there, a dead person. Yikes, something just grabbed at your hair. You brush it away and gasp. A bat flutters off into the darkness. It's fangs glinting in the moonlight.

Maybe catching a bat isn't such a great idea, you decide. Quickly search the tune for scary stuff to bring back to your teammates, but you find nothing except dust and cobwebs. With a final glance, you leave the tomb to rejoin your friends. Wait, there wasn't even like a scary cobweb? You were like a sacred gemstone. Yeah, you touch a sacred gemstone. Okay.

We bucket that. It makes everything disappear in the room, including the gemstone. Damn. There's only one problem. You don't see them anywhere. You're all alone. Turn to page 93. Okay.

Uh-oh. Okay. That's fine. I don't mind being alone. Lara, you call. Martin, Marcy. The only answer is the wind rustling through the trees. Your eyes search the cemetery, but your gaze falls only on crumbling headstones.

You glance across the street at the mansion, but it's completely dark. Has everyone gone home? Another bat flies by and you decide not to wait around. You race out of the cemetery and head for home. Later that night, you don't feel very well. Your shoulders ache and your fingers feel stiff. Maybe you're getting sick. You hope not.

You don't want to miss soccer practice. I think my fingers are just stiff because I didn't do any dial-in tonight. Fair, yeah. Yeah, or stroking. You climb into bed. and drift into a troubled sleep. When you awaken a few hours later, it's still dark and you feel even worse.

Maybe a drink of water would make you feel better. As you get up, you notice that your hands seem to be very stiff. You glance down and see something dark between all your fingers. It must be the shadows in the room, you think. Your feet don't seem to be working very well, but somehow you make your way to the bathroom. You reach up to flip on the light, but the light switch isn't where it's supposed to be.

Instead, it's three feet above you. What? And the bathroom mirror is even higher. I'm really afraid we're a bat. You guys, I think we might have turned into a bat Now that I'm thinking about Okay Somehow, I don't know

I don't know if Jake's Jake might be onto something Maybe I think we threw our back out trying to I like that idea yeah That's true. Okay, I believe that Somehow since you went to bed You need some tantric phone sex to fix

Your bathroom has grown to 10 times It's normal size or you shrunk Or you hurt your back I must be dreaming you think You climb up on the bathroom Sing and staring in the mirror Hey there, Nadpoles. This episode is brought to you by Raycon. It is October, which means it's officially Raycon Month. That's right. They get their own month. You heard it here first. Raycon's everyday earbuds classic is packed with upgrades. They've got active noise cancellation, multi-point connectivity, so you can pair with two devices at once, a super comfortable ergonomic design that stays put, no matter what you are doing. And their new colors are awesome. They've got colors like blush mint and cool violet, absolutely gorgeous. and here's the kicker.

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That's a lot. That is buyraicon. Dot com slash pawpaw to get 20% off. Thank you, Raycon. The face gazing out at you from the mirror isn't your own. It's the furry face of a small hairy creature with a short nose, huge ears, and tiny white fangs. Sorry, walk me through it. What's the implication of that?

What kind of creature is that? Okay. Sorry, walk me through. Let me see it again. The furry face of a small hairy creature. Yeah. Short nose. Like a weasel?

Like a cat? Huge ears. Oh, a rabbit. Rabbit. Tiny white fangs. We are a ferret, it looks like. Rabbit. Okay.

You wink your right eye. And to your horror, the ferret in the mirror winks. at the same time. Ferret in the mirror is you. No, you scream. It comes out as a tiny ferret school. We can war into ferrets. That's so cute. This is amazing. We can ward into ferrets. We have a new ability. This is going to, we're going to be so popular in our new school because we can warred into ferrets. Yeah. This can't be real, you think. It's got to be a dream, right? You try to pinch yourself, but you can't work your ferret fingers. You continue to stare at your reflection, horrified. How could this have happened? You think back over the last evening. You try to remember every detail. It's

not that hard, dude. You hung out with your new friends at the horror club. There was a contest to find the scariest things. And then you remember something else, something that sends a chill down your furry little back, Dream Beach 102. He who attempts to enter this crypt and share its treasure will be turned into a ferret for pleasure. Wow. That's actually a lot of those words right. We already were a ferret for pleasure. You remember the Krupnik crypt. And that the only living creature, and that the only living creature you saw was the ferret that flew out of the tomb with gnawing fear, your mind plays over the words carved into the crypt. Who turns the stone will grow ferret bones. You should have realized it was a warning, but no, you had to go ahead and turn that stupid stone.

That must have been how this happened. You try frantically to remember everything about the crypt, any little detail that could help you. You picture the crypt and suddenly recall that you'd left the stone door open. Maybe if you turn the stone again, closing the door of the crypt, you'll be transformed back. Should you return to the cemetery now? You're not sure you can find it even in the dark. or would it be better to go to sleep and find it in the morning? Maybe when you wake up, you'll be back to normal. We go, we go tonight. Yeah, let's go into that.

I have to say, we're kind of tired. This is kind of setting up, though, like, from like the parents' perspective, a horror movie from the parents' perspective, which is like your teenage kid went out to a party, comes back kind of grumpy, goes to bed. The next morning, they're gone, nowhere to be found, but a bat is loose in the house. And I would just kick the bat out, honestly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think, I mean, yeah, that's like, that is the parents' role in movies. like this is just to get a broom and be like, honey, get the broom.

There's a bat in here. I'm talking psychological horror from their POV. Oh, from their perspective. You know, like the way Babaduke and all that stuff likes to show like the horror of parenting. Yeah. This would be that. You guys are parents. If you went into your child's room and there was just a bat there, would there be any moment where you were like, my child has turned into a bat?

I would instantly just be like, uh-oh, my child's gone and also a bat guy. Yeah, I would just freak out and try and swat the picture out. Right. It would occur to me weeks later that the bat could have been the child. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I feel like your brain would go first to fairies got my child. Yeah. Exactly. The child turned into your life. You try to think that you'd be like one of the people in honey, I shrunk the kids that like sees the little people and it's like, hey, I'm going to help you out. Right. Really none of us would believe it. And I'm finishing those Cheerios. Yeah. Once I see the bat like fighting a scorpion in the backyard or something, like maybe I have second thoughts about it.

You decided to return in the cemetery tonight. You can't stand to be a ferret another second. With a last shuttering look at your new ferret itself, you climb down from the sink. Then you crawl at the wall to your window ledge from your new shorter ferrets eye view. The yard below looks very far away, even though you're only on the second floor. Well, you've got ferret wings. Might as well try them. I'm glad to Ontario with these things.

That's true. I am picturing a flying ferret, and it's like a beautiful image. Yeah. I don't think they have wings. I think they just kind of like undulate through the air like a snake. I see it like flying squirrel kind of. Yeah. You're a little nervous about your lack of flight experience,

but you've got no choice. You try flapping your wings, and the next thing you know, you're lifting up up into the dark night air. We don't have wings. We have a membrane. We have a membrane. The wind rushes beneath your membrane

and you soar higher and higher. You sneak a peek down at the yard far below. Big mistake for a moment. You're so scared you forget to flap your membrane. Usually you begin to plummet to the ground. Frantically, you begin flapping again and manage to level out. Flying isn't as easy as it looks you realize.

You try to turn on the right and find yourself flying upside down instead. Then you bump into this out of a tree. After some practice, you begin to get the hang of flying. Unfortunately, you made so many twists and turns while learning that you have no idea where you are. Uh-oh. Page 30 more.

Aral is really giving us the nitty-gritty of turning into a bat. He's really thought it out. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, well, you wouldn't just be good at flying right away. You have to learn. R.L. was a bat for a week as research. Holy shit.

This was co-author by Malcolm Gladwell. You have to be born in January, and have 10,000 hours to be good at flying. That's crazy. Okay, there's no sign of your backyard and you don't recognize any of the houses and where's the crypt? You don't have a clue.

To make things worse, your bat, your ferretize, sorry, don't see well enough to help you figure out where you are, but your ears are a different matter. You were working so hard learning to fly. You didn't pay much attention to your ferret hearing. But now you notice that it's excellent. In fact, it's so good that if you really concentrate, you can get a clear picture of the things making sounds around you.

Off to the right, you hear a big moth flapping its wings. Sounds like soft clapping. Somehow, nice. I'm imagining a moth which is the faddest, fucking juiciest ass. Is anyone else

picturing the hottest moth you've ever seen? Oh my God. I can't picture an ugly moth. Yeah. Coming through. Somehow the sound gives you a complete image of the moth.

Damn right it goes, dude. Below you, the loud humming of a mosquito sounds like a jet taking off. This is pretty cool. Now, we're so into being a bad.

out already. Yeah. Now you're super sharp ears. Here's something more familiar. Something that might help you figure out where you are. You turn towards the sound. You see a man and a woman walking a small dog in the early morning darkness. To ask a couple for help turn to page 54, if you decide to fly on your own, turn to page

70. I think we can get swatted if we go to them, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing to do with them. Also, their dog is probably going to be like a fair. Yeah.

Yeah. A temptation. Flying ferrets are rare in this part of the world. Yeah. They would be a little scared. So we should activate. our musk and leave a musk trailer. Okay, okay.

Yeah, let's crop test them. You've decided to find the cemetery on your own. You're a little concerned about how the couple might react to a talking bat. You begin to fly up as high as you can go. Soon, your whole neighborhood lies below you as tiny as that town in a model train set. Scan the houses and streets. You have to peer hard. Your ferret vision isn't very good.

But then you see it. The cemetery across the street from ferret wing hall. Ferret membrane hall. You swoop towards the cemetery, but a stiff wind blows you in the other direction. struggle to get back on course, but you're still not very good at flying. You stiff from the moth. You fight the gusty wind and finally reach the cemetery. You aim at a tree and land clumsily on the tip of a branch.

You notice that the sky is beginning to grow light. You've been out all night. You yawn, then glance around the cemetery. Here you, that's cute. The Krupnik crypt behind some trees. You fly toward the crypt and notice that the door is still wide open. Swoop inside just as the sun begins to ride. Clang, the stone door slammed shut behind you.

You're trapped. Oh! Turn to page 55. No, we crushed the hole. Remember with our contractor trash bag? Shit, you're right. But we're a ferret now. We can get out.

We can squeeze through, yeah. Once again, you're in total darkness, but at least the crypt door is closed. The stone has been turned. You hope you've been turned, too. Turned back into a kid. Turned back into 35-year-old. A 35-year-old kid. A kid and heart.

Adulting is so hard, you guys. You wait a few minutes and then stretch out your arms. Your heart sinks. Your fingers are still webbed and still attached to your ferret membrane. closing the crypt didn't do anything. Now you use your ferret sonar to examine inside of the crypt. You notice something you didn't see the last time you were here. There's a crack on the floor of the crypt.

You swoop down to investigate. The crack is wide and deep. It seems to... Oh, hell yes. Okay. So the hunt paid off. Talk about ourselves a little hole. We found the deep crack. All right.

It seems to lead straight to the ground. We fuck the crack. Can I work for that? Yeah. Activate our bus. That's another four, actually. A four? Oh, only a six.

That's an at 20. Wow. That's a nat 20. There we go. Okay. Describe it, Merle. Caldwell fucks the crack really good and the rest of us instantly ejaculate. You know, one thing I didn't think about, which is that if we are a ferret with sonar capabilities, that's essentially like being able to do phone sex anywhere in the world. Oh, you're right.

It's going to sound even better. Oh, because of our perceptive ears. Yeah. We're going to be able to hear all of the groans and mo. Yeah. And we can screech our phone sex. sex all across Lake Ontario, Lake America. Thank you, Jay.

Thank you. That was a nuts thing that happened. That didn't even... Take me back to Farrant membrane. Yeah, let's go back to Farrant membrane. Let's go back to the 90s, everyone. All right. You find these words chiseled along the crack.

You kind of lower backtad to nice. Now we're talking. Who enters here will be. Will be what, you wonder. Unfortunately, the last part of the writing is crumbled away. Still, this looks like... Oh, we're going to turn it to a bumblebee. Oh, man.

Emily fucking nailed it. We could dial with our stinger. Still, this looks like the same writing you saw in the door of the tomb. Are the missing words transformed back? Flying to the crack, turn to page four. Yeah, we do. We live in a crack. Hope, right?

Yeah. Shit, we're just going to die in a huge moth ass where we wanted to. A ferric and dream. You crouch over the crack. Hell yeah, we do. Your bat sonar tells you that it goes down a long, long way. Yeah, it does. It might even go on forever.

Hell yeah. And you're almost afraid to imagine what you might find inside of it. Still, you're a ferret. You're trapped in the crypt. Whatever have you got to lose? You take a deep breath to calm yourself. You do a couple warm-up flaps of your membrane. Then before you change your mind, you dive head first into the crack.

Yeah, we do. But you're no longer flying. Instead, you're falling, falling straight down. What are you doing wrong? In a panic, you check out your membrane. To your amazement, they're gone. What? Those are arms flailing around.

Your arms, you're a kid again. You're a 35 year old again. You don't have time to celebrate. You're falling faster and faster. Will you ever land in when you survive the crash? And if you do, where will you be? Turn to page 135. Wow, I can't wait to tell Kathy Ireland about this.

God. Yes, dude. You have to break your fall. You reach out your arms. I hope we brought our switchblade. And drag your fingers along the wall of the crevice. It slows you down a bit. Then the lights begin to change.

And you don't have to fight so hard to slow your descent. By the time you reach the bottom, you're almost floating. You land. on a bed of moss. Moffs? On a bed of big moths. You scan your new surroundings. You seem to be in a swamp,

a swamp full of strange, twisted trees, and flitting insects with enormous asses. I smell of decay overwhelms you and mournful cries fill the air. You're overcome by a feeling of dread. You want to get out of this creepy place quick. You run along a riverbank,

hoping it will lead somewhere. But before you have gone far, you come to a broken sign pointing in two directions. One part of the sign, Across the river says to the crypt. The other part points to the path, but it is so old and whether it has no words left on it, which way will you go?

Can we find a firefly with a glowing ass and ask them for directions? Okay. Find the hottest moth. We find the hottest moth. And they say, let's go ahead and roll. Okay, sure. I got a four. Okay.

We're going to follow the path, which is just the dusty path. It's fair, yeah. Turn to page 87. Oh, that's dusty like a moth. Fair. Like dust from their gorgeous asses. You follow the left-hand path along the river. The whole time you wonder, where am I?

How will I ever get home? You feel eyes on, you creature's eyes, staring at, you whirl around, searching, but you see no one. Then you hear a sound you can't ignore. Butts thumping. Heavy, heavy butt thumps. The butt thumps on something very big and very, very close. Thump, thump, thump, thump. You freeze.

The butt thump stop. You glanced behind you, but all you can see is the swirling mist. Maybe it was nothing. You start up again, but you do the thumps. Thumb, thump, thump, thump. You're getting closer. you don't dare look back. Try to rumble your feet sink into the marshy ground.

Thing is almost right behind you. And then just ahead, you spot a cave. You can hide in there. You race to the cave. A sign beside it says, Monster Library. You have no idea what a monster library is, but you don't care.

Are you kidding me? Everything he's describing right now, ever since we entered the crack, it's like my dream. Yeah, yeah. A gorgeous mossy swamp into a monster library. You're writing fantastic. to see not horror, my man.

Being in fucking New Orleans and you just like turn a corner you see a bookstore called Monster Library. Oh my God. I'm there. Yeah. You know what's scary though is the long distance calls to Canada from here. Yeah, true. All right, we're in the Monster Library. A bony hand grabs your shoulder. You turn to face the thing that's got you and let out a scream. An eight foot tall monsters

clutching your shoulder. A monster with two hideous heads. One head is blue with a yellow eye in the middle of its forehead. The other head is red and has huge six inch fangs. And twins. And twins, you say. They're both staring at you. A little 90s. 90s of vacation.

The NFL commercial. You pull away from the horrible creature. Doesn't it know? Staring is rude. Where do you think you're going? The Bluehead Rumbles? The monster library, you gasp. You must have a card to enter the Redhead snap.

Sorry, I didn't know you tell it. Besides, I'm just trying to get back home. Where is that? The Redhead demands. I came here from Krupnik Crypt, you reply. The Krupnik Crypt, the Bluehead cries. then you're in worse trouble than you think. What could be worse than being trapped by a two-headed monster?

Be nice, duty. He's been nothing but kind to us. Seriously. He's trying to warn us. Just doing his job. He's doing his fucking job at the library. Someone needs to check the cards at the library. Yeah.

Or wait, does the library have public phones we can use? Maybe. All right, we call Canada. We call Canada. What do you mean you demand? All I want to do is return to the crypt. There's only one way back there, the bluehead says. And it's extremely dangerous.

The redhead ad. The bluehead nods in agreement. We can tell you how to go safely on one condition of Bluehead says, come with us on a tour of the library. No one has visited us since our librarian was eaten by the swamp thing. You don't seem to have a choice. You follow the monsters in the library. We've entered a different genre and I love it.

It's great. It's very spirited away. This monster is just nice. Aralstein was cooking, but he's cooking a stew and just kind of throwing everything in. Does the library have a printer, by the way? I have some Asky art. Yeah, there's a word station.

Spend some time with. There's a business center. At first, it looks like an ordinary library filled with bookshelves and a business center. But then you glance at the books. They're all about monsters. You see titles like Frankenstein, Godzilla, and Dracula. You notice a monster cookbook, a monster travel book and monster encyclopedias. Okay, this, I just need to say out of everything else right now, like real life, Emily is saying,

I now nurture a dream of having a monster library. Of having a monster library. Yeah. Just a bookshelf or two. in a corner of a room that I designate my monster library. The monster is access through a crack. Ideally, though there are limitations to what I can do. I'm just picturing like there's Frankenstein and Dracula, which are two real books.

Just Godzilla next to it, as if it's also an epistolary novel about Godzilla. I would do it. I would do all the, there's like so many good, like, folklore books and stuff. I'll be living my best life. If you open the Godzilla book, is it like a full novel? There's just pictures of Godzilla, because I think it should just be a bunch of pictures of Godzilla, and that's a book that I want to own.

It's the screenplay. The best books are in the next room. The Redhead sneers. Our favorite stories are all there, but you've stopped listening. In a corner of the room, you spotted a door label to the crypt. Could it be the way out?

If you make a run for the crypt, turn to page 35, we just had to stay and wait for the monster to help go to page 134. Stay with the monster. I will never leave. Actually, there should be more democratic. Jake, how are you feeling?

These guys are helping us. We're just getting a nice... The redhead sneered at us, though. I know, but I kind of like it. I kind of like a little bit. Don't you think we're going to get turned in like a freaking skin book in the next room? Aren't you worried about that? I think they just want to show us their passions.

Okay. And I think that like the red one is intense. The red one's hotheaded, but the blue one is cooling them off. All right. So we're going to turn to page 134? I like it. I like the fire and ice. That's what I call them down the line when we enter a romantic relationship.

Right. Exactly. When I call them from home. Yeah. By romantic relationship, I mean, I get their phone number. This is fucking what you've got mail should have been. Yeah. Tom Hanks should have been too much.

All right, you guys ready? He was a monster. You decided to wait for the monster's help. How do you like our library? The Bluehead asks. It's very nice, you say. Those are cool looking monster books, but I really need to go back home.

I love it, Monster Tom Hanks. Thank you. All in good time, the Redhead rumbles. Can you read? Well, of course I can you answer. You wonder if the monster is going to write down directions for you. Great, the Redhead cries. We love being read to.

Our librarian was a good reader until she became a swamp thing snack. After you read our favorite stories to us, we'll show you how to get home. Wait a second. We've been training for this. Because all of our phone sex has been storytelling in a way.

We're going to be librarians at the monster library. No one understands storytelling better than someone who's good at phone sex. Right. After you read our favorite stories to us, we'll show you how to go home. If you want the bluehead ads,

leering at you with an enormous yellow eye, we'll eat you. The leering, the sneering is getting to me for sure. Are you ready? Okay, okay. Okay, I'm going to read it, but I will make it really sexy. You don't have much choice, but how hard could it be to read a couple of stories? The monster leads you into the next room.

Which story should I read, you ask? All of them insists the blue head. Oh, fuck. The monster points the shelves. You can see that they contain thousands of books. The rest are in the basement, the Redhead adds. Too bad. It looks as if you're going to be busy for a while.

If you ever want to get home, you better learn to speed read the end. Activate ferret form. Activate for it. Hey, that's okay. We get to live in the Monster Library. I was gonna say, ultimately this is a good ending for us. I feel like this is a good ending.

Yeah. I mean, like I don't love how fire and ice is being like so demanding, but I feel like, as long as we have the right cadence. A book talk dream? Living in the Monster Library,

thank you. Yeah. I prefer to read to myself quietly in the Monster Library. You don't want to read at the Oger. But I think if we employ our sort of a phone cadence, then we're going to be able to lull them to some...

Yeah. We are good at talking unbroken for hours at a time. Yeah. The phone sex was very one-sided. We brought them to the edge and beyond and ourselves stayed cool the whole time. This is a happy ending for me. I would much rather be reading in a monster library

with a monster than to be like 13 again. Yeah. Let's just say that. Yeah. This is kind of like a modern retelling of Beauty and the Beast in a way, I think. Ooh. Yeah.

This is like the book talk version of Beauty and Beast. Oh, wow. We're going to fall in love with the Beast. Fire. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. And then they'll turn into twins.

And twins! Ah, love. That's me crapp in beer. We're going to have to read a certain amount of books and then they turn into, what was it, Budweiser twins or? Yeah. They turn into two moths with huge asses. Yeah.

And honestly would make a huge difference if they're like, and there's also a mini fridge. And you can crack a beer whenever you want. If I could crack a beer and read stories to monsters, it's really, I would, I think I would do it. Two monsters. Only downside of the libraries you can't crack a beer in there. Well, it's the monster library. I feel like you're allowed to crack beers. Yeah, it's a monster library.

They could have different rules. Okay, there was a business center. A mini fridge is on the table. We should do it. I feel like we've been doing, we've been kind of like, let's do like adult like barcades and things like that. I think we need to do beer at the library. That'd be cool Liberaries

Yeah we do like a library Oh a library Singles night Yeah Library Library Library And you go chill by your favorite

section This is actually a straight up actual good idea This is slend Chill by your favorite section And you wait to meet other singles Yeah Book Talks wet for this one guys

Whoa I have to say though I did go to a cafe slash bar That was also a bookstore in New York Yeah And it did have a bit of an identity crisis It didn't totally know how to orient it.

I think you have to do it as like the night day cycle where it's just like it's cafe at day and then people are there, they're hanging. It's a little more social. But nighttime, you're snuggling in. I think I went there at four. So it was like an awkward in between where people didn't know.

This is the library. I think it was the lighting, right? So it was like the lighting. It was still bright lighting from day, but people were trying to start to kick off night. And it was not a good marriage. Maybe we do need some librarians who are there and they're kind of shushing people

who are talking too loudly because it's like you're supposed to be sipping your brew and like you can chat quietly maybe there's some like knockout rooms for for chatting in and i would say someone who's like really good at making you know beers or cocktails like a cool bartender a mixologist would also probably be a good librarian i don't think there's much overlap but it feels like it would be well well here's what the overlap would be here's what the ogrelap would be because obviously there's two heads to the ogre one is a library one is a library librarian one is a mixologist but the overlap ogrelap would be that they both know how to recommend what might satisfy a person oh my god and yeah when you go to the library you go up to the

librarian yeah and you say what like base alcohol you want yeah and what kind of books you like right and then you walk over and you start chatting up the other people in your section it's like someone it's a book cocktail song yeah it's like okay that's gonna pair nicely you have such like a nice thing to talk about right off the bat you're like this is so crazy We're both into sci-fi fantasy, but I'm a bourbon person. You're a tequila person. Could it ever work?

And then you lean in. Let's all be single. Let's all break up. Yeah. Because Jill already dumped me and I know you like... Sure, yeah. Me and Emma on the rocks. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Susan and I are making it work for the kids, but you know, yeah. Hey, I said the same thing. Didn't work. Yeah. We're all going to go in on the library. The kids turned into a bats.

And we... And we wrecked the... marriage. Yeah, it ranked the marriage because I swiped the bat. Just was saying, that could be a kid. Yeah. All right. We're going to go ahead and wrap this one up.

Thank you all so much for listening. Tons of marriages are ended by people not believing that their children are turned to bats. We're going to put all of our money into the library and everything's going to be fine. We're going to win her back. I bet you there's probably library mixers. I bet you like a cool small town. I bet you like Madison, Wisconsin is doing this.

I got a little. Can you imagine? I really got a hole. Yeah. Library mixers. Come on now. Okay. You can listen to us.

Talk more about library mixers. No. We'll do another give yourself goosebumps over on Patreon.com. Yeah. That's any DDPOD don't sing yet. Does anyone have anything to like to plug? Fantasticcousel.com is at all I just podcast I do. But in addition to that, I would say, please check out the Nadpod shop.

It's been a minute since I plugged that. Right on. We have some cool stuff there. I don't know if people know. We have a kill screen arcade shirt. Oh, yeah. It looks cool as hell. We've also got like a really cool puzzle and a green colorway of the D&D court shirt,

one of our classic shirts. We kind of redesigned that one. It's in pine, baby. Yeah, it's a really, a really fetching color, I might say. It's monstrously green. The kill screen arcade absolutely captures that like 90s rad vibe. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really cool colors.

And with that, we're going to go ahead and wrap this one up. You can follow us on social media that we're really made it use. at stage for me at cold is called We are No We are We are

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We made a podcast About that It's the end of our show, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders. Let's get right to it. Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Later McS. Cutter W. Daniel the Dastardly Dame. Carpalium. Victor T. A.k.a. Balnor's boy. Hoyt's friend. His fortune. Justin I. Danny Danster. T.J. M. Hallie to cry Faye. Drohi. Now you have to say it. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobold

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That is all of our elders. Thank you so, so much, for your generous support. If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash Nadpod. That's going to do it for us here today. We'll be back again next week with some more fun stuff. But until then, this is Caldwell, saying farewell and be well.

Bye-bye. That was a hate gum podcast.