Not Another D&D Podcast - Adventure Book Theatre: The Vampire Express (w/ Jasper William Cartwright)

Episode Date: May 25, 2023

Greetings, scholars! With semi-frequent guest Jake Hurwitz on paternity leave, the Book Buds recruit Jasper William Cartwright (3 Black Halflings, Games & Feelings) for a trip to Transylvania aboard the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Express! Turn the page and delight as the Lore Lords encounter horny kings, talking boxes and the sickest painting you've ever seen in your life. All Aboard! Follow Jasper on Twitter!And buy tickets to upcoming NaddPod Live Shows Here!---CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Lyon8-Bit Book Club Theme by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everybody, it's Emily here to talk to you about Adam and Eve. Who wants better sex? And who wants to start having better sex immediately? The best way to level up your sex game is to go to Adamaneeve.com right now. Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item, plus free shipping, which includes rush shipping. More than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

Plus 100% free shipping with rush processing on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly. So don't wait, better sex is just a click away. That's 50% off one item, free shipping with rush processing. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adamineave.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter offer code PAPA at checkout. That's P-A-W-P-A-W at Adamineve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to the podcast so be sure to use the code PAPA to get your discount 100% free shipping and get it fast with brush processing. Code P-A-W-P-A-W. Goodbye, Sweeties. This is a Headgun Podcast. They made a book about a video game. Game game game. We made a podcast about that.

Book. Welcome to Ape at Book Club, the only book club that makes you dumber. We are your lore lords, Brian Murphy, Emily Axford and Caldwell Tanner. Oh, greetings! Excuse you? It's a greeting. Okay, okay. I just figured we're like, they're coming into our library. You sound like a king that got walked in on Wal-Master's day.

And that's a- Oh, greetings! Oh, greetings! Nothing going on in here. I covered my dick with a crowd, but there's a great thing. Oh, green tea! Oh, green tea! Nothing going on in here. I cover my dick with a crown, but there's a hole. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Deep lore of the masturbating king. Oh. Yeah. Because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because So hard. Be gone or help me. I'm going to pick one. I have four to close to climax. There's no turning back now. I'm a Felicity. And with that, we do have very special guest,

Jasper William, Cartwright. From the Land of the King. Yeah, I love the King. That's what Prince Charles is up to. King Charles is up to you right now. I was a weird slip. I said, Prince Charles, it's super weird. Yeah hate it. Singing God said the King is truly not okay. And you do have to say it every day.

We do wake up every single day. I was over here for the coronation and looking in on England was a horror. I was like, this is what it feels like to be outside of England looking in. I hate everything about this. This is deeply embarrassing. But if I was there, I'd be like of England looking in. Oh, I hate everything about this. This is deeply embarrassing. But if I was there, I'd be like, ooh, cool, yeah. Yeah, do you see like everyone like at someone's birthday party and having no fun?

Yeah, yeah, fully. It was truly so terrible. And you might be noticing that every once in a while we have a guest on April 6th. Yeah, very rarely. Jake, her with from Jake and Amir, who at College Humor Fame. He was big on the internet. I'm back in the day. Oh, wow. Oh, Jake, her was from Jake and Amir, who had College Humor fame. He was big on the internet.

I'm back in the day. Back in the day. Oh, wow, I'm trying to find it for you. Before you were born, maybe. Yes, before you were born, yeah. I thought it was Jake and Amir. Jake and Boposterphe Amir. Yes.

Yes, Jake and Amir. Jake and Amir. Yeah, Jake and Amir. It's Jake and Amir. And Jake and I are talking to him. I was just Jake must be. I was just Jake. I was just a talking to him. I was just Jake must make a joke. I was just Jake must make a joke.

When I crowned. Anyway. I'm kidding. So. Anyway, with that, our dear friend, Jake, is on fraternity leave. So congratulations to Jake. I don't have anything to say.

We wish him and his family the best, and we sincerely hope they're not listening. I'm so sorry, deal. We are, wish Jake the best. I think this is how he would want it. Yeah, this is how he would want it. Jake specifically texted me before and said, Hey, just don't do any jokes about masturbating kings

while I'm not there. I don't know the... I don't know the miss out on the other side. I need to make the boner with the crown around it, Joe. That needs to be me. That needs to be all her guts. We've got some main campaign episodes banked, so that's going to continue as normal. But we're going to be having some fun guests along the way for, you know, D&D courts and apable clubs.

That's right. And with that, we have an adventure book here. Choose your own adventure, Vampire Express, which has a very funny screaming vampire on the cover on a train. So I think this is a vampire train adventure. So much to love. You could do like any monster express. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we watched Murder on the Orient Express. Yeah, so we did. Yeah, well, it was okay time. I did it. I was. I was. It was a time. But I feel like it would have been much better if there was a vampire on the train. Oh, instead of piano. Yeah. Wow. We're playing piano with a vampire. With, so he might, but what mystery is he trying to solve? Wouldn't the vampire be like,

the vampire, I think is what happened to Branagh. Where is Kenneth Branagh? Also, I'm hungry for blood. And that's just like a side thing. Yeah, that's like his constant craving. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he found out at the end. That's the end that he is Branagh.

He, but he was one of the holds on. He ate him, he became like infected, becoming your vampire. Oh shit. He called Branagh. Like, like, like, he drank Blanna's blood. He drank and his blood. And he got bit by the theater bug.

Oh, there we go. The only problem is the mustache is gonna cover the fangs. We're gonna have to figure that out. Wow. I'd also really like to thank the person that sent this to us, but they wrote the letter to us as Pender Greens. And so I just thought, they did say that this book has a better choice to text ratio. There we go. They did say that they found it under a can of Mountain Dew Energy Baha Blast.

No! That's a great, we appreciate that Pender Greens. Thank you. Pender Green. Thank you. Pender Green. Thank you. Pender Green. We appreciate it. All right. So this is vampire express. First page is always true. Oh, shoe. Wow. He is fantastic. Are you sure you're not the one reading this dude? That's right here. To chew. In a Dracula voice. It's somebody level that works.

Yeah, I know. Wow. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Okay. Okay, we're starting it off. This is kind of a creepy train picture. Oh, I'm proud of you.

Oh, I'm proud of you. It's a creepy train. It's going through the mountains. It's also fun too because if anyone has seen train to Busan, it's people trapped with zombies on a train. So being on a train with monsters is just a good promise. Yeah, train to Busan. Train to truss! Oh, we're so much fun. Alright, you're on a train in the mountains of Romania on your way to visit your uncle Andrew. I feel like we could have maybe came up more

from name and Andrew. Okay. Uncle Andrew kind of sounds nice. It almost sounds like a David Bowie song. Uncle and I need a whole verse. I need a verse right now. Get it a whole what you're looking at. Landrue married my aunt. Yeah also he was a dog from Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's fringing up the fire that I'm gonna be tough again. Oh no. Master Baving King. That's genuinely a big help. Master Baving King. Yeah, came into the middle. In all the world, there is no place more closely connected with vampires than these mountains.

And there is no one who knows more about them than your uncle. So uncle Andrew knows fucking everything about my- Every thing about my bias. Okay, I'm willing, okay, so he knows everything about my bias and he's just let you come on this train on your own. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is Andrew, is Uncle Andrew a vampire?

My day. We're gonna find out. Yeah, this book should be called Monk Landry, the vampire. Yep. On a train. On a train. On a train.

I'm starting to think maybe that wasn't good. Now that you're old enough, he feels you are ready to join him on one of his expeditions. What? Now that we're 37, why? You're goal to prove scientifically, once and for all, that vampires exist. If you guys had an age that you would want to become a vampire and be you for the rest of your life, what would it be? I think it would be 37 for me. Really?

Because I'm loving that. You are, well, I'm thriving. You're doing great. Yeah. Personally, I feel like I could have gone back five years. I take five years back. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you're for sure doing awesome. Yeah. I'll take off two years. Yeah. I've just done my knees stalled at creaking very recently But I definitely don't want to go back too far because like being in my early twenties was terrible Yeah, I think I think it seems like a very funny late twenties early thirties is when I'd like to have a 34 year

I'm forever preserved as a thirty-fine old the perfect In case in the ombar I am a perfect specimen Could you help me get that vase? There's a little bit of gray on the sides of my head Very distinguished two other members of the expedition share your compartment on the train Nina Nina a blonde girl about your age apartment on the train. Nina, a blonde girl about your age, 37. And Mrs. West, very old. I told her, a tall and very grand lady in her 60s.

Okay, you can be in your, so you can be 37. She's a vampire, because she's definitely, she's totally a lady in her 60s. Yeah, around, she's tall. She's tall, she's tall. If you tall. She's tall. She's tall. If you're tall, run by honey, you're vampire. Because you're a regular to you. Yeah, I'm sending down to bite them next.

Or around. Although actually vampires should be shorter so they have better access to the next. That's true. That's very true. Although, when you want to be, you want to be neck height. Well, it's a bedtime. It's relative to who you're biting. Yeah, yeah. It's the really rounded to your your bite is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's something relevant to your bite. I am perfect to bite the next.

I'm a six foot person. Yeah. But any thought on that screw, that's a very funny thing. I feel like it's just somebody who's way shorter than somebody else trying to bite them. Hey, hold on. It's trying to bend over the bite, you, but I have 34 in my back heart. It's a minute. It's a minute. And my knees. I really should have been turned in my 20 tube, but I have 34 in my back heart. So that's a bit... In my knees!

I really should have been turned in my 20s, but I wanted to be distinguished. I wanted to keep the salt of the pep. Okay, so Mrs. West is her aunt, and so she's got a heavy gold chain, and from the chain, dang it, the largest jewel you've ever seen, or I can just put it on that part. Okay, it is a dark blood red, and it seems to glow like a dying fire Maybe maybe As the train slowly makes its way up and down steep inclines and around tight curves You take out your Oh You take out your Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh We have a lot of meetings to take and whatnot. You're the king. You can't just be, I can't help you.

I'm gonna be, he can't be jacking off every time we leave you alone, sir. There's so many people that come and go out of this, out of this chamber. Anyway, you take out your own close most recent letter and reread the last paragraph. Mrs. West and her niece may hold the key to our quest. For generations, their family has kept a painting

and a jewel said to possess awesome and terrible powers. If we can use these powers, the painting and the jewel should lead us to vampires. Wait, I just found the jewel. Right, that's right, they possess it. Yeah, Uncle Andrew is telling us that. Can you put it on immediately? Well, she already had it on.

This is part of their family has this jewel for one reason. Murf, could you, when you have to say uncle and from now on sing it to the tune of Andy Warhol by David Bowie I don't know that I can do that if we can use these powers the painting and a jewel should lead us to vampires if either falls to the wrong hands we could all be in grave danger you

say that again great great thank you very writing you must protect them and their owners at all cost but don't worry You'd say that again. Great, thank you. Thank you. Very good writing to this writer. You must protect them and their owners at all costs, but don't worry, you will not be alone in this task. Keep safe. Uncle Andrew. I don't know, David Boyver.

Flouting through the stops. Yeah, Uncle Andrew. Snow is falling now, and the train moves more and more slowly in the growing darkness. The fire within Mrs. West Jewel seems to glow brighter and brighter suddenly she jumps to her feet Trembling and clutching her necklace the painting is calling me she cries. It's in danger. Someone is after it Okay, oh Ant really says Nina. You can't be serious

Need is the vamp wow Spicious so suspicious. We're looking we're out here looking for vampires. It's a witch hunt But I mean 37 is just a sassy age. Yeah, we get really Once we trapped a 37 Painting of Emily I do anything to be a tight 34 year old Don't be so certain in my dears that Mrs. West. I heard it as plainly as I hear you. In any case, I must make sure it's safe.

She opens the door and rushes down the corridor towards the baggage car. 15 minutes pass and Nina begins to look worried when... Did she hit her head because she's so tall? Yeah, Mrs. West. Extremely tall, seven foot four. Wow! Damn, he pangs her head into the into the corner and says wow, I wish they made doors dollar

For people Honest incredible that's what she said she's looking for a painting that you just painted a picture When mr. West isn't back after half an hour. She is alarmed. You should check on her Oh, she probably bumped her head and got Nikoma. There you go Wait, so she just went to check on it on a hon she just went to check the bags I guess there's like a baggage card. Yeah, so she went down to the bag Yeah, I'm thinking that there's a bag with a painting in it Yeah, but she said this is it's in danger someone's off for it and then we're just like yeah cool

I feel like if you're painting like holds the fate of the universe. Maybe you just keep it with you Yeah, you know like don't think that the train would let you just keep it with you. Yeah. You know, like don't, I don't think that the train would let you do that. I think it's like too bulky. It would take up another seat. You have to get a ticket. You have to get a ticket for the painting. Yeah.

I'd spring for the ticket for the painting. Yeah, you'd have to spring for the ticket for the painting if your painting's going on. All of her money is tied up in paintings and gyms. She doesn't have anything to spare. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Oh man.

So he's more liquid asses so he's more liquid asses. He's more liquid asses. When Mrs. West is in back after half an hour, I'm going after her, Nina says, will you stay here in case I miss her and she returns? She really waits for your nod. Fuck yeah. And then she's running toward the baggage car.

This is my favorite option. We just get to sit and wait. Yeah. Moments later, she's back wide-eyed and panting. I can't find her anywhere. She says, my aunt has vanished. I'll help you search the train, you say, trying to stay calm, but you're a freaking coward. And you want to piss your little pants.

Did you add that? No, it's all right here. It's not that you piss your pants. Okay. You're quivering. Where shall we start? We could go back to the baggage car and look for clues, or we could ask the other passengers that they've seen her. Says, Nina, I'm so worried. I can't think straight. You decide. If you want to go to the baggage car, turn to page four, if you want to question the other passengers, I think I want to go around.

I think we're out of it. I can need to go to the baggage car because we're going to need to get some new pants. Yeah, yeah. We pissed ourselves. There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of stuff. Yeah, I want to fight them. But we have a pit, we have pissed ourselves though. In any train-based media, the murder always happens in the storage compartment. Yeah, because otherwise, the in the storage compartment. Yeah.

Otherwise, everyone would see. Yeah. So we're going to go straight to the back. We're going straight to it. Yeah, okay. If we question people, they're going to see that we pissed ourselves. Yeah, we're going to smell bad. Okay, we've got a lot of the sparrows.

Let's go to the baggage car, page four. You've seen so much as that. We're the dining trolls, and we're looking after our health, for sure. Yeah, because I eat more greens than I did when I was a type 34. And that's the true secret to vampirism in a long life. Yeah, I'm making a nice juice out of a piece of a spherical KS.

Oh, oh. A ridiculous style, baby. The baggage car is gloomy and disgusting. Only one dim bowl blights the place. And the car looks as if it hasn't been cleaned in years. Nina gets down on it. Let's clean it. Yeah.

Can they do that? Yeah. Can they do that? Yeah. Sound on her hands and knees and starts cleaning up the... No, Nina. No, we do it. We do it.

We do it. Nina, have some self-respect. Your aunt is missing, presumably murder. Nina, you're 37 years old. I think I'm pretty clean at first. I think I'm gonna get it. They call me getting down to hands and knees like that. You might not get back over with the same way that you do. I know

it does it. It does as a need to get sent on your hands and knees, but she search you for clues. She's not okay. Okay, or doing cat cow. Yeah, which is a yoga move that helps her stay such a fresh shirt. Yeah, this is why I'm saying that he is in her prime. Yeah, it's gonna get the

lower back. Yeah, that all comes down to the cat cow. So they're going through Dusty Old creates cartons and suitcases. Meanwhile, you try to make sense of the footprints smudged into the gram on the floor, but there's no sign of Mrs. West. She seems to have vanished without a trace. You're about to give up when Nina calls your name. You make your way through the mess and find her benign.

Chester! How's it going to all spoil that in this entire register? Chester, Chucky to our besties, though. What if we were named after our uncle Andrew? nephew Andrew nephew and I love your gently bracelets What about nephew?

That's what our friends call us. Yeah, that's what it's our friends What about Neffu? Neffu? That's what our friends call us, yeah. Yeah, that's what our friends call us. And anyone else calls us that we can't agree on. Neffu and Andrew, you have to be close to call me Neffu. I really love the idea of being 37 years old, but being aggressively referred to as a Neffu.

Like, it's such a young sounding person. And Neffu. My dad. He's her attorney. Yeah, it's actually. What should I get my Neffu for? Yeah. Yeah, I got my nephew for... Yeah. Imagine how big his hair is, Gramps' style. Imagine how an inch they're big.

Exactly. You're like, oh, can I bring my nephew? Yeah, sure. It's out of the sky. He's seven year old man. What's up? It's like, is that okay if I bring my four kids? Yeah.

Can I have some cereal? Can I just steal some of your cereal? I'm gonna go upstairs. I'm gonna get to box. Serial I just steal Take a good Room in the guest house. Yeah, sure thing. Yeah, what did you say? Neft you don't know me like that you can't call me nift room You even know my uncle is You can't call me Neftro. You even know who my uncle is. You heard him barely know my uncle Andrew.

Okay, very funny. Okay, so Uncle Andrew was also what the guy from Star Fox called Andross. Oh yeah. Uncle Andrew. Oh right. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of. Bound before the grain and draw. That's what he says.

Yeah, right. Okay. Moving on. Moving on. You know what I said? I think it's great. You should, just because it's not a reference, I understand. Does it mean it's one you should say? I think it's great that I knew that and I said it a lot.

Hey, called one. Good luck. Right. Anyway, getting on, moving on. Thanks, Bob. At least we know the painting safe, so they found the wooden box with the painting in it. It says Nina brushing the dust from her sweater and jeans.

It's kept in this box. Ooh, a sweater in it. Says Nina, brushing the dust from her sweater and jeans. It's kept in this box. Ooh, a sweater and jeans. Wow. Okay. She ran me for 37. She ran me for 37. She ran me for 37. Maybe some like baggy boyfriend jeans.

Yeah. She was a little engoracrop top. As we got, those adidas are super old. We're going back to the style of the Aughts. As 37-year-olds were going back. That was our high school year. So Nina is a little fledges. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And we, of course, have the ball. And this is a vampire story. So we, of course, Neftru has an emo haircut, of course. Yeah. And a slipknot t-shirt. Yeah.

But he is brown though. He's a black guy with an emo friend. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy.

He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy.

He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. This box is super real. I mean, where did you get this weird thing you ask? Do you have what, do you know what the carvings mean? Yeah, it's weird to say about somebody's box. You gotta be kidding me. You gotta understand.

Moving on, moving on. Do you know what the carvings mean or what they have to do with the painting? All I know is that my great uncle gave it to me before he died. So many uncles. He says he got it from some relative in Australia and she said it had been in the family. Australia the hot bed of vampires. Everyone knows.

Australia. It's so sunny there. I'm so logically. Yeah, truly the last was to be. The box has always been with the painting and the carvings hide secret locks. My great uncle showed me how to work them but I've never actually seen the painting and the carvings hide secret locks. My great uncle showed me how to work them, but I've never actually seen the painting inside. Maybe we should look at it now, you say. I don't know, says Nina, do we have to?

You show her your uncle's letter. The painting may help us find your aunt, you say. Maybe she replies, but what if it does have terrible powers? And they turn out to be harmful to us. Maybe we should ask around. We can always come back and open the box later. If you think it's better to open the box now, turn to page eight. If you'd rather talk to open the box now turn to page eight if you'd rather

Talk to the other passengers turn to page 55 This is dumb as hell. I want to open it right. Yeah, what's crack this box Okay, but we are thriving at 37 we crack that box just think about it What if there's like a little coke zero and there's a treat A nice Cokes zero that came out that came out in the ox We were a rick D room temperature In a chance a box could be magically cool when we were 27 or 28. I was starting to explore coke zeros

They were heard my stomach. They didn't hurt them as much as they do now Checking the book to see if the box feels cold on me Coke Zero's. They were good. They were hurt my stomach. They didn't hurt them as much as they do now. Check in the book to see if the box feels cold on me. That's a good question. Yeah, yeah. If it's a chilled Coke Zero, then obviously we're going in. So we're going to P.J., we're going to open the box. Once you've decided that the box must be open because it's cold and probably has a Coke

Zero inside. There we go. Just not a full Coke because like we're 37. Yeah. I just know when you feel a bit hung over the next day Yeah, you know what I like to do I like to have a coke zero when I go to like the movies or something and you get that like nice like coke machine that has Oh the foul options. Yeah, a little bit of real coke in there Otherwise my Tommy's gonna hurt. Yeah, yeah.

Otherwise my tummy's gonna hurt. You imagine being the fucking 34 year old vampire. Oh shit, if you're 34 year old vampire, you can't have cooked zero anymore. You can't have soda. It turns to ash soda. It turns to ash soda. It turns to ash soda.

It turns to ash soda. Zoda. No, it's a Zoda. It's a Zoda. Stupid, so stupid. Very stupid. Okay, stupid. That's stupid. Okay, just chew on the can. Once you've decided the box must be open,

Nina seems to lose her fear. On said she feels a sudden strange panic to release the painting. Her hands dart frantically over the carving. She touches an eye here, pulls a finger there, twists near. Whoa, the box sucks. Chef, she moves. Hi, I'm Boxy, the box.

Whoa, it's different tone now. She moves so swiftly, they can hardly see what's happening. Suddenly a crack appears in the side of the box where no seam was visible before and Nina stumbles backwards with a shutter. The paint is sh- Shut your so funny Boxy. Do you Joe other jokes And so I'm a minute you've been here for a really long time you didn't like break through anything else

Hey, it's not like a head on you fucking boxes to workshop Like Come in here. You're so around like the dumb question in my fucking comedy. Okay, you fast show. Okay, we're going with that. You never gonna get that Coke zero, though. Like, not true, your name's fucking not. Okay.

Suddenly, crack beers on the side, where no one was visible before, Nina stumbles backwards with a shutter. The painting, she whispers. It wanted me to open the box. It kept making me go faster and faster. Do you think? Boxy. Yeah, that's right, no faster. Only look to the left.

Boxy, okay. We're really into. Do you think it knows we need it? You asked, hopefully, do you think Boxy knows we need it? Do you really need it? I need it. I need him. I don't know she replies

It just wanted to be free the box the box The box opens slowly like a clamshell On invisible hinges and now you can see the painting that hangs inside is a portrait of a handsome man and a beautiful woman dressed in old-fashioned clothes, so from the early aughts and a beautiful woman dressed in old-fashioned clothes. So from the early odds, they've gots like not to change their color. Yeah, they're wearing suits with black shirts and red ties. Like everyone used to wear.

Yeah, like green days. She's wearing one of those cropped cardigans and then like a really tight skirt, but with ruffles. Yeah, it is the members of Green Day. A single candle stands on the heavy wooden table. Between them, it's flame casting an eerie light on their faces. Through the open window behind them,

you can see the full moon. Painting looks hundreds of years old, and yet the man and woman seem ageless, possibly trapped at the perfect age of 37. What's wrong? Oh, no. You should have everyone said, wow. What's their vibe, though, man? Well, they're both wearing bucket hats

At their they're full on they're full on American idiot green day It's kind of confusing I can using mix of like all of the Side of the back house is I love burning, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the flesh looks real and their eyes shine with the same glow you saw in Mrs. West Jewel. They seem to stare at you with a terrible endless hunger.

Wow. So, they're trapped. They seem horny. The painting seems horny. Well, the box was really yeah, we're all 37 So it's great like you know, all right. Yeah, would that I were 34 on stamina. Let's fuck this Don't leave me out Fine King we left you alone in the room No, you don't understand. Don't listen.

Don't wait. Look back here. Look at O'oney, this painting is a small protrusion from the other side of the painting. He got an attendance box. It's also super horny. And one coke zero and I lost my mind. Oh yeah, where's the coke zero? The coke zero is at the, but there's condensation.

The painting is completely ruined because of the very wet Coke Zero. Oh, all of the ice. That was fair to public. Absolutely public. With great effort, you tear your eyes away and you realize the painting is moving. It's strange to Ford, like blacking in the painting.

They're fucking in the painting. Like a leopard ready to pounce on its prey. Then you hear the door of the baggage car open-bong. Do, wait, no! I'm not jacking. Two more minutes! I'm the happiest man! Okay.

Oh, nice dude, nice. That was good. No notes. Absolutely no notes. I'm gonna say you found another joke. Yeah, so because that's all, let's all keep it super dry now. Okay, let's absolutely no, no. Thank you, Sam. It's a good, not the joke. Yeah, it's the episode, because that let's all keep it super dry now. Let's keep it dry. Nina has reached the box, and her hands fly over the carvings

at an incredible, almost human speed. And that way, I thought the box is already open. Yeah, the boxes. Then you hear the door of the baggage car open behind you. Is she closing it? Oh, wait, sorry. Turn to page 48. OK.

Yeah. I was condescendingly up top being like, pages telling us how choose your own adventures work, they had to like turn to different pages and I was just trying to read this like a regular book. So, Aegon, my face gang. Aegon, sorry, I said we're not gonna make any more jokes and that was, that was just a lighthearted kind of.

Wasn't Aegon a king though, so that was kind of like a layered joke. Yeah. Okay. The door of the baggage car closes, and the painting is suddenly still. You turn, oh, so it's toy story rules, so they only get horny when you're by the way.

When it's just you. Of course. Of course. You turn around hoping to find Mrs. West, but instead you see a young man, 37. No, 36, because 36 is so young. 36 is so young. Oh my god, he 36 is so young. 36 is so young. Oh my God, he's got that blow.

Two types of people in this world. 36 year olds and 37 year olds. But don't worry, this kid's birthday's in two months. Yeah. It's gonna be 37, but we're doing it. Yeah, just do like the glint in his eye of like knowledge to come. Yeah, just in two sweet months.

He's got his whole two months ahead of him. He has a t-shirt on this is all be 37 soon Okay, so skipping ahead a little bit. Okay, so this 36 year old introduces themselves as Nanosh, you think that maybe they know you're not true We're gonna they do sing all the small things together. We're also wearing a bucket hat. Of course. Okay, so Ninoch says that more than, I know your uncle Andrew. More than that, I owe him my life.

I know your uncle Andrew. He asked me to watch out for you and those who accompany you and to protect the painting in their possession. You must need me now because the painting has called. Anita tells Nanosh about her missing aunt and about the jewel. According to Uncle Andrew, it too is supposed to have great powers, you say. I know nothing of this jewel says Nanosh, but of the painting I can speak. We have many legends of its magic and your uncle believes that it can destroy vampires.

The man in this picture is Count Zoltan. The woman is his wife Carmilla. Oh, that's the name. Cam. I can't call the cam. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I just got a picture in Tony's soprano. Yeah. Okay, so it's fully Tony's. I probably 37 in that show. I don't wanna tell you his mama. It's one of those weird things where like you go back and you're like, yeah, James, James Ginoffini was only like 35 in that show.

Tony's sultanal. Yeah. Tony's sultanal. Okay, so the soprano, so this is one of those, you know when you're in like the mall or something and you'll see like a store that has weird paintings I don't feel like Tony soprano hanging out with the Joker or something like that Holy what this pain You believe a Dracula tone

So this is yeah, so Christopher multi Okay, I believe I'm gonna be 38 Chris is, yeah, so Christopher Multasaw team is now in this, okay, I believe I'm gonna be 38 next week. Oh my God. Okay, so this is Tony Soprano and his wife from Elham. I have discovered that they are on this very train in their own private car. Of course he would, he's got to discuss business and whatnot.

There's a lot of private cars on this train. You shouldn't come in. Yeah. So you and the painting are in grave danger. He lowers his voice. We think they're vampires. You must leave this train at once. Okay.

Countess Edie Falco stops when she comes, when she comes to the vampire. What the fuck? Oh God, I keep reading what this like, it's a regular book. It's not, it's a compelling. It's because yeah's a regular book. It's so compelling. I think it's yeah, you're so. So into the sopranos, lore, it's so deep. Let's see here. This is the ending, the sopranos really needed.

Was the vampire. I mean, don't have far express. No, Tom, there's a way that you could live forever. But if they're vampires, we can't leave my aunt to them, says Nina. We know told there's a way that you could live forever But if they're vampires we can't leave my aunt to them says Nina we can do nothing for your aunt here says Christopher Maltesanti we do not know how to use the paintings powers only Andrew and the old ones have that knowledge the old ones You say their spirit to guide us they are 38 years old Yeah so close to 40. They speak over the hill. They speak through La Yuba, our wise woman. If you carry the painting to our camp, we can

consult them in safety. Your other choice is to try to contact your uncle at the next station to ask for his advice. Once we know how to use the painting, we can follow the vampires to their castle. Tell them we can only hold that Mrs. West is still alive, and I just keep picturing now just a painting of Tony's friend. I don't know. It's like one of those is not even a painting, it's just like graphic design.

It's like someone pulled it. It's such a good frame room. Yeah, it's like such a good frame. It's a filter of it. Yeah. It's sketched. And as a 37 year old, I can look at that and be like, if I was 24, I would have bought this.

Yeah, it is sick. This episode of NADPOT has brought to you by Bird Dogs. They're a company that makes pants and shorts, so no matter where you fall and the age old battle between the two, you can rest assured that Bird Dogs has you covered. Now we all know when the legwear war begins and we're forced to choose a side, it's gonna be difficult! Luckily Bird Dogs has made the decision of which pants and shorts to buy a little easier. Bird Dogs stretchy khakis are designed to fit slimmer through the thigh and leg to

give you a truly sculpted look. And instead of making their clothes out of restricting cotton, Bird Dogs invented a cloud knit fabric that looks just like khaki but stretches so you get a way slimmer fit without having to sacrifice movement. And trust me, you are going to need all the movement you can get when you and your brothers and legs are out there on the battlefield kicking the shit out of your rivals. So when the lower body battle begins and brother is forced to kick brother, make sure you are wearing bird dogs.

To get yours and a free Yeti-style tumbler, go to birddogs.com slash pop-off or enter promo code Papa at checkout. That's birddogs.com slash pop-off or promo code Papa for a free Yeti-style tumbler. You won't want to take your bird dogs off, we promise you. Okay, that's it for me, go team pants, and enjoy the show. Okay, do we wanna talk to the old ones, AKA the 38 girls, who know about vampires, or do we wanna try to talk to Uncle Andrew?

Who on the scene thing is what's up with the idea? Yeah, Uncle Andrew? Yeah, Uncle Andrew's 37 and a half. I think I'm feeling drawn to Uncle Andrew. Yeah, uncle Andrew. Yeah, uncle Andrew's 37 to have I'm feeling drawn to uncle Andrew. Yeah, yeah, we want he's gonna have the odds Yeah, yeah, like yeah, he exists beyond time Oh All right going to page 22 to talk to uncle Andrew. Oh boy. there's so much stuff. There's so many pages. The snow is coming down very hard. Just picturing, we're opening any book and saying that. Oh boy.

There's a lot of pages here. Just picking up a newspaper and being like, this is gonna take me weeks. He, yeah. Okay, the snow is coming down very hard when you reach the station, but none of you is sorry to leave the train. Okay, you find a telephone. I left my drink on there. Oh, the Coke Zero. Yeah. The Coke Zero. Yeah, we can put it in the snow.

You pull the Coke Zero off the painting of Tony Superano. You find a telephone inside and after several tries, you finally reach your uncle. He tells you to take the painting to the inn in a nearby inside and after several tries, you finally reach your uncle. He tells you to take the painting to the inn in a nearby village and wait for him there. Just wait. That painting is freaking mint.

I got it at the mall. Get it, get it to it in. Get it to it in. My son, my nephew, please, you must tell me, is the dead pool in the background still in full condition? Or did that horny king ruin it? The snow ends early the next morning and the sun comes out.

The temperature remains well below freezing and the afternoon, Andrew arrives on horseback, leading mounts for you and the others and a pack horse for supplies, equipment and the painting. When you last saw him, your uncle was clean, shaven. Now he has a bushy silver beard. On the rise. Oh, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait,

you have a vampire. Oh, really? Oh, right. Or maybe he became a vampire when he was like, a tight 40 or a- 31. 31. Is a planter 41.

31. And a vampire? That's like good for him honestly. Yeah, good for him. I think if the vampire bites you after you have a beard, then it just like you have a beard forever, right? Yeah, yeah. That's the way to steal now.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think he's got like a Geralt of Rivia thing going on. I think Uncle Andrews has straight up silver fox. Okay. I guess what I'm guessing. Okay. Otherwise, he's exactly as you remember him. Short red face to the bulb with a bridge.

So like, there around his bald dome. Okay, so he's more like... All right, so otherwise he looks as you remember him, although he appears jolly and friendly, there is steel in his eyes. As soon as he dismounts, he fixes those strong piercing eyes, Panina.

Oh, what? Oh, he's 41, she's 37. All right, it works out, yeah. He's a young goal. He's a young goal. I will do our very best to find and rescue your aunt he promises and the coaxie and the coaxie hero Thank you and my sick ass Tony's a proud of me. I'm featuring. It's got like all of your favorite pop culture characters

And then like in golden cursive at the bottom. It just says like the world is yours It says the gangs all here like the world is yours. Yeah. It says the gang's all here. Yeah, I guess so. And Tony Soprano, it's a still directly from Soprano's, but a badly photoshopped hand of him handing you a drink. It's the great gaspie hand, but I'm totally surprised.

Oh, yeah. It's Leo from Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah. And like, it's yoursing you in the background. No, we are just disgusting, 3D rendering of Rick from Rick and Morty. Yeah. Then he turns.

Her photo realistic Rick and Morty. Oh. He turns to you in ads. And I believe we will soon have proof of the existence of vampires. I also love that Uncle Andrew. He's not like a vampire hunter. He's like, I just want everyone to believe me

when I talk about vampires. Yeah. Because I talk about them all the time. Yeah. It's like, I just want everyone to believe me when I talk about vampires. Because I talk about them all the time. Yeah, it's like Naimun van Helsing who wants to murder vampires. I feel like he just wants to know. He wants people to know. He's just asking us to go to the bathroom.

He's asking us to go to the bathroom. Yeah, a few minutes later, the four of you are on your horses riding single file up a dangerously steep and narrow mountain trail. Okay, where do we go? Horses, this is awesome. We traded the goat's arrow for them. Yeah, we traded. one goat's arrow for four horses. Yeah, that's a fair horse-hunter. It's just so thirsty. I'm so thirsty. I've had a coke

regular before but a coke zero is just came out. Truly no sugar in here. It's good for being late. He does the sweetness come from. I won't mention it. Later in a dark wooded valley, you hear snarls and howls behind you. You turn, you turn in your saddle. There are dozens of gray shapes looping through the trees. Oh no, more uncles. Wolves. Uncle Wolves says 36 year old Nanan.

Right, yeah. The three of you raised to the baggage car, although there is little light and the car is cluttered. A cluttered dirty mess, you have no trouble finding the box that holds the painting. Why do I keep turning to the wrong eye? You're just skipping around. Guys, I'm so bad at this.

Well, this is a... You're in gross. I'm in gross. Well, the mic is blocking the bottom of the page where it takes me where to turn. Emily, is this what Murph does when he reads a book in bed? So you just get really frustrated. I keep sitting around. Actually, he reads normal books like they're choosing an adventure.

Yeah, I just pick pages. He just skips around. He just skips around. I don't know what's going on. Yeah. As soon as someone mentions a number in the book, he has to turn to that page. Yeah, so on someone's like, there are 12 men here. Boom.

That's all. Back to page 12. Yeah, so someone's like, there are 12 men here. Boom, back to page 12. Yeah, back to page 12. I don't understand. There is no page 365. If the wolves are getting closer and your horse snorts with fear, we'll have to run for it, says Uncle Andrew. You spray your horses towards the end of the woods and safety. Behind you, you hear a horse stumble.

Then there's a muffled thud. No, but you don't realize what's happened until Nina's right or the horse can't or's up beside you. Stop, you shout. Nina's been thrown. Three of you rain in your horses and swing around, but you can't see a thing.

Between the time you spotted the wolves, and the moment you turn back to Nina. So much respect if Nina gets eaten by wolves. Yeah, incredible. I'm a serious thick cloud has blanketed the wolves, or the woods. Oh, they. A mysterious thick cloud has blanketed the wolves or the woods. Oh, they let up their cigars. These smoking and these moogles. They ate them at a seven-year-old and went up to the house. They're smoking on good. Because they have wolves, too.

If they're cow wolves, yeah. These are the type of wolves that howl at women in cartoons. That's the type of wolves that howl at women in cartoons. What's going on you, Yel? What is this stuff? We call it the vampire fog says 36 year old Nanosh. It appears just like that, he snaps his fingers. And people can get lost in it for days. You know what I call it? I call it like the Vogue or like, you know,

just the fog with a capital F. Yeah, we'll call it the Vogue, the Vogue. I'm afraid we may not find Nina giving up on her pretty quick Just to give up on on like just so immediately so quickly giving up on all of the women in this party. You want us to give up on you that? Yeah. Do you think that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the captive lure of this painting now is the painting like telling us to make these bad decisions is that what's going on Tony Tony Tony Tony's like I've got to look out for yourself in this world. Yeah, shit

That's so true since Leonardo and his left shoulder Is that Leonardo from the New Geaterdos or was that Leonardo DiCaprio? They all look bad. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there.

They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there.

They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're both there. They're goals there. So I can think of that if I can think, okay, keeping... And it's on the Sistine channel. Completely in others.

Is Leonardo's on there? I'm both of them. If this was D&D, this would be like a wisdom 30 saving thing. Yeah, it's a cool friend for paying tickets. It's a true get it. Keep it close together, you try to retrace your way, but the fog is so thick, you can barely see your horse's head in front of you. When you call out Nina's name, the fog swallows your voices.

You keep searching, but there's no trace of her. Finally, Andrew calls a halt. I don't think we'll find her now, he says. And if we're not careful, we'll get lost, too. It's vitally important that we take the painting to the vampire's castle. We can return for Nina after the fog lifts. I mean, sweet. But what about the rules, you say?

Nina's on foot. The wolves will be practically helpless in the fogs, says 36 year old Nanosh. If she climbs a tree, she has a good chance of escaping them. I'll understand if you want to stay and search for Nina says Andrew, but if you're coming with us, you must come now.

If you stayed a little for Nina, turn to page 54. If you go with Andrew and 36 year little for Nina, turn to page 54. If you go with Andrew and 36 year old Nanosh, turn to page 69. Oh, this is a test. Is it, is Tony testing us? Tony's testing us, but is he testing us because he wants us to go to 69 or because we should resist going to 69. No, Tony would never say no. No, Tony would never say no to a 16 man. Can we talk about the calculus that is six year old, the nauseous making here, which is wolves will be helpless in fog, wolves who famously have a fantastic sense of smell

would just be like, oh, roo, roo. Maybe the. Oh, the nostrils are awful of fog. Maybe the fog is scented though, because it is vampire fog so it gets on my blood. Okay. Okay, well, look at my sandalwood. Okay. I mean, I can't get 69 everybody. I'm here. We got a horned up. Where's the horny king?

They left me on the train. Okay. Um, you call wolves are watching me turn behind the train. Okay, you call. Wolves are watching me turn behind the tree. I call Nina's name one last time, then sadly turn to follow 36 year old Ninoch and Uncle Andrew. She'll understand toward the vampire's lair. Uncle Andrew. When the fog is far behind you, you round a bend and there it is. A dark and evil looking ruin silhouetted against the evening sky. The ramparts and battlements are crumbling and only one of the original towers remain standing.

When you reach the castle, you find the gate closed and locked, Andrew Tugs on the rest, well, we should turn around. Yep. Andrew Tugs on the rusty bell chain, but all you hear is laughter. You look more closely at the rundown wall. It's full of cracks and you think you might be able

to climb it. Boxy, the only thing you say about the cracks. Yeah, why do you tug on that gate somewhere? Like, boxy. Oh, boxing. Oh, real fun. Climb up and tug me. So, okay.

I got a real thing for watching. Really? I got an end of my objacks. I'm gonna be coming a beavers. Yeah, so I'll go. Sorry about this guy, I Andrew, he's crass. If I can get over the wall and open the gate from the inside, we can attack the vampires now, you say.

Two risky says 36-year-old Nanosh, better to wait till morning when the vampires must rest, says Andrew, they're probably right, but you're tired of waiting. If you take their bikes and waits, turn to page 90. If you climb the wall, win Andrew and 36-year-old Nanosh are asleep, turnip age 95 Okay, I do love when we just choose to wait so I'm No, for we just wait wait for a whole box is just there just narrating the whole time

This is great. Yeah, this is gonna give us a chance to finally connect with our uncle I love the idea that we were like we have to go right now. We cannot turn around and save Nina We get to the gates and I mean it to go. Yeah, but we should probably just wait until I join her. We should chill. Oh my god, this is a fucked up. So the three of you build a fire and cook a hearty meal. Oh, fuck, fuck. And what we did was here.

This is a woman getting eaten by wolves. How the hell the, I'm in the tree. I can't be true. Like you said, I'm stuck in the wolves. I'm in the tree. Uncle Andrew the tree. Like you said, just like the wall is in the tree. Uncle Andrew, this gabagool is incredible. That's right. You volunteer to take the first watch while the other sleep.

You're not worried about staying awake. At this point, it seems safer than closing your eyes. Around 11 o'clock, you hear feet slapping on stones. Pebbles like, bear feet. You know, what is walking, but slapping the ground with your feet What's the voice? Help me the wolves are chasing me. Hang is jacking off and running away from the walls Here the sounds of nut sack hitting butt

But oh my why is he what why is he running with his legs so wide while he's thrusting into the crowd He's gonna like crab walking forward. Yeah, silently remove a flashlight from the pack of supplies and you're not allowed to put the whole wet into the net. Then you creep towards the sounds, nut to butt. When you judge, you close enough, you switch on the light. The beam sweeps past a pile of broken studs and debris and catches a little man. Just a teeny little man. For a moment, you stare at one another, then you scuttles away. It's a... Oh! A pasture!

Come back here with my crow! In a world of vampires, a scuttling little man is more interesting. If you follow him, you might find another one. I think you might find yourselves. Okay. we follow the scuttling. Not for another second. No sleep again. To follow the little man, sir, to page six. Sorry, Nina, we have a new mission. I love the little man kills us. Follow the scuttling. Okay, I admit that. Wait, wait, yeah, if

you want to go after the little man, okay, turn to page six. At midnight, your watch is over. You wake on a nausea. Okay, at midnight, your watch is over. You wake 36-year-old Anash and tell him about the little man. He could, he could, he could, he could, dude, wake up. Dude, dude, dude, dude, wake up. I wanted to sprint after the, yeah, that was our, I would take up a dead sprint and don't

wake them up. Yeah, okay, it's not a story I'm trying to tell. It's so funny to be like, I prize I'm trying have to. Yeah, that was our idea. I was just heading up in a dead sprint and I'll wait them up. Yeah. He's not a story I'm trying to tell. He's so funny to be like. I prize him trying to catch. Hey, three hours later, dude, hey, are you awake yet? Hey. Anyway, I saw a little man in our house.

Here we go. See, your breath got kind of shallow. It seems like you're weak. Tell you about this little man. I saw him. He could have been a spy, says 36 year old Nanosh. And then again, it could have been a trap. Maybe the vampires were trying to separate us,

or maybe he really was trying to show us away into the castle. He's still considering the possibilities when you fall fast asleep. Okay, so I guess we're not following the little man. I thought the predicts would last. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, is that it really, really makes me mad at this, right?

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna follow the little man. You dangle the little man. We're at it. With vampires pressing on. You hear laughter, laughter. Monsters laughter monstrously loud laughter are you dreaming someone is shaking your shoulder? Leave me alone. Leave me alone you shout wake up wake up its uncle It will be dawn soon. He says I found a way to open the gate and I've taken the painting out of its case We must carry it out inside now

So we can attack the monsters at daybreak when they're most vulnerable I found a way to open the gate and I've taken the painting out of its case. We must carry it inside now. So we can attack the monsters at daybreak when they're most vulnerable. You sit up rubbing your eyes. What time is it you ask? Nearly six, says Uncle Andrew, quickly now, through the gate. You say, I would really prefer if I got eight. I'm 37 years old.

Yeah. Yeah. And I could just really see it on my face when I get eight versus six. Yeah, a lot. And Andrew carries the painting of Tony Soprano and the Leo's before him like a shield and you and Ninoch follow close behind him inside the wall. There's a small courtyard and across the courtyard rises the tower Stone staircase winds up the outside of the tower wall to a door about halfway to the top Suddenly the door opens and a light blazes out frame begins to it are a man and woman dressed in evening clothes. The woman wears Mrs.

West's jewel with shines with a horrid red light turnipage 28. So like the jammers. Yeah. Yeah. Silky numbers. Six a.m. The boys like being half are we gonna have a three-way with Mr. and Mrs. Tony Soprano? I wouldn't say no. Count Zoltan and Countess Carmilla, aka Count Tony Soprano, and Countess. Tony Soprano. And Countess Carmilla Soprano,

whispers Nanosh, welcome to our home, says the Count. Welcome to the home. Welcome to our home, says the Count. We thought you might try to approach us at this hour, but don't you know that the painting is now helpless against us? My wife weighs the blood stone, the precious jewel that was lost to us these many centuries.

It is the one thing that can protect us from the painting. You are dead, mortal fools. Andrew's just like housing carbonara, as he says this. Andrew seems to be... He definitely has like a little bit of an app, no matter what. Whether or not he's in it. Andrew seems to be trembling with fright,

but then you realize it's the painting that's shaking. Hurry, he gasps. Grab the painting. Hold tight. Okay, we're doing it. We're fucking doing it. We're gonna trap him in the cool painting. My adrenaline's going so fast. Holy shit, this is too much. I'm gonna talk're gonna trap him in the cool painting my adrenaline's going so fast Too much so freaking About Nina and the little man this is the best episode of this a promise I've ever seen Who in this a brand was the scuttling little man Oh, super multi-soddy maybe it could be veto. Yeah

You and Anash rushed to his side and grasped the frame. The painting feels alive. It bucks like a horse, okay? Then streaks of colored light, leap from its surface, surrounding it in a whirlpool of lightning, gold silver, violet, green, and blue lightning bolts strike out at the vampires.

But the red glow from the bloodstone, not only protects them like a force field, it batters the blazing light back toward the painting. The evil red glow closes in pressing down. Turn to page 63. Okay. Okay, this is bad. This is bad.

The painting needs more help from us, Uncle Andrew. Sounds. You must believe you can win. You must trust the powers the painting can release. You do believe you can stop the vampires. You concentrate your entire being on the thought of how Brad is concentrating on my bean. I'm concentrating on my bean.

I'm concentrating on my bean. We're wearing a bean. We've been wearing a bean. I'm squeezing my bean. Hold on. I'm squeezing my bean and I'm concentrating on my bean. I lift up my bucket hat to reveal a beany underneath. And, where's my beany?

What else is like crocheted beanies? So cool. It's like What a nice crocheted beanie. It's so cool. It's got a little crown crocheted into the new concert and the entire beanie on the hot and the spreading flood of red light slows stops to stand off and it seems to go on forever. All of you, humans and vampires are so locked in battle. You don't notice the arrival of day

until the sun rises over the castle wall and feels the courtyard with brilliant lights. So you're just like, how old is that? it's just a beam off for like an hour. With the quivering paint. There's like six am. So quivering. The painting seems to drink it in. The dual grows dull and the red glow fades. Now the vampires are terrified. They try to retreat into their tower, but before they can escape, two brilliant bolts of pure energy surge from the painting. There's a tremendous blast and two white flashes and where the vampires once stood,

there's nothing but sulfurous smoke. It smells like freaking forest. Yes, like a rissa. Guys, we now have control of the bottom-bing strip club. You search the castle for Mrs. West and find her lying on a stone slab. The destruction of the vampire seems to have released her from a trance. Oh, as soon as she's strong as ever. Wake up, Nina was eaten by wolves. But we need to know if you're strong.

Can you do a couple squats for us? Is it a forward roll, quick? Andrew, you old toad, as she says. What took you so long where is my niece me and my jewel and my painting we didn't have time for Nina but we did have time to for a sit down for a quick slap we did and you sausages it still smells like sausage and so far because we did fart after we ate we do have leftovers though we do have some sausages.

The main thing we need to talk about is the fact that we saw a little guy. Uh. I don't know. Do you know the funny thing? We don't know. Whatever the little guy. What the fuck was that about?

What the fuck is going on? I honestly hope it's never answered. No. There was just a little guy. Where the fuck is the little guy? Okay, Andrew begins to explain about losing Nina in the fog. When suddenly there's no need.

Nina herself is standing in the doorway. Yes, that's what I'm playing. She dashes over. Oh, I'm the shoulders of the little man. Yeah. The little man is here. You can't see him at first, because he's so small. He's so small.

He's so small, he's just so small. He's so small, It looks like she's standing But that's why her Anna so tall He's a little man. No little man is Antman We got all right himself Holy shit. He's also in the painting Into the mirror. I don't get that Alright is in Antman form in the painting

So it's really yeah If you know to look for Ant-Man, he's there. But Thanos is toasting Brian from Family Guy. Yeah. I'm Brian Cranston. Yeah. As Walter White. As Walter White. Of course.

This is every dude. And Thanos is saying, I'm inevitable. Brian Cranston is saying I'm the one who knocks. Yeah, they're just so much. They all have little bird bubbles, but then at the bottom it says the game's all here. And also it's a Michelangelo painting it on. I don't like the painting. Dory and Grey, get rid of your painting.

We got a better one. Okay. There's to. Dory and Grey, get rid of your painting. We got a better one. Okay. There's an old Dory and Grey in the photo. She dashes over and gives her Anna a big hug then she describes her escape. I managed to climb a tree before the pool. Oh!

Oh! The gnaw, she released six young dogs. You young, you young, brilliant dog. When they gave up and the fog lifted, I climbed down and found my horse. I set off after you right away, but I seem to have missed all the excitement. She pretends to pout, but she can't help laughing.

She pretends to pout. Yeah. Well, we kind of, we're just a bunch of flirty 37 year olds. Yeah. Yeah. Meanwhile, Andrew has retrieved his camera from the pack of supplies. Hold it right there. Nina, the rest of you, too He says I want some pictures for my records. There's a flash then another flash then another Andrew doesn't have to remind anyone to smile

He's never felt happier The picture and's a little guy. Oh, I'm in the middle of the picture. Where are we going? The little guy. I'm in the greatest mystery. I'm sure that if we stand through, it'd be there somewhere.

Can I suggest that? Can I suggest that two things, we got such a perfect ending, and I never want to know anything more about the little guy. We should do a different adventure. We'll do a different, short rest. Over on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash nat pod that's n-a-d-d-b-o-d don't sing yet. Yeah, we'll do another book

because the little man needs her in a mystery. Yeah, we're gonna actually, we're gonna bury this book 12 feet in the ground after this It's so funny to see if a little man sprouts This is much more forgiving than a lot of the adventure books that we've read because of other ones It's like if you make a cowardly choice or something. It's like okay that person you left behind Get's captured and disappears. Yeah, no one died. You get an ending where it's like you may have found the vampires castle But you never seen Nina again.

Yeah, this was nice. But this was just Nina just shows up and it's like, hey, you were a coward, but I climbed a tree. I climbed a tree, the wolf somehow didn't find my horse. Everything's fine. Yeah, the horse was fine too. The wolf couldn't smell in the fog.

Oh, do you think that the little man took care of the wolves? Wow. Oh, that is. There it is. Oh, that's good. Did anyone picture the little man took care of the wolves? Oh, that is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is. There it is.- It looks like some completely solid. Yeah, absolutely. It's something which is here, a little ball to add. In my head, he looks like grew from despicable me, but naked and so small in here. Yeah, I could see that.

Yeah, I could see that. I could see that. It's a big hairy chest. Yeah. The little man not finding out anything about the little guy. I want zero guns. Yeah, so- Never tell us.

My God. Okay, yes, we'll read a different adventure book over on the Patreon. To be sure to check that out. Jasper will be joining us there. Hey Jasper, thank you so much for joining us for this truly insane book. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? I guess I'll plug my show through back off links.

And my socials, the JW underscore cart right, if you wanna find me there and I'll be announcing cool stuff soon. And I'll also be the outro with Rebecca Alffling's and my socials is JW underscore cart rife you want to find me there and I'll be in the outro cool stuff soon and I'll also be running a mini adventure over on through Rebecca Alffling's which is adventure of the little man. RAAAHHHHH! What are you adding? It's true. Boxy of the little man.

Boxy of the little man will finally find out. I can't go! Just a little man with a wildly inappropriate book. Check out three black halflings. Do you guys have anything you'd like to play? Yeah, I want to play. I'm doing a tears of the kingdom, one shot at critical role. I think it comes out on Tuesday, the 30th.

And it was really fun. There's no spoilers for Tears of the Kingdom because we literally reported it. Before we even got to play it, so if you want to feel the raw excitement of every time Matt plays a music cue from Breath of the Wild, we all like, all those whistle pianos.

With excitement for Tears of the Kingdom coming out. So go check that out. Check out M on Critical Role. Call for like anything. Yeah, I would love to plug my AMC series, The Masterbating King. Yeah. It's gonna be coming out this winter, actually.

Yeah. Great exciting. It's so cold. Gonna be 36 episodes, actually. Wow. Season one. We got a big order. That is tasteful though that you guys are just gonna end it after 36 You guys are gonna be like session. Yeah, yeah, I come yeah, you get it right

Change the game and then leave yeah exactly. There's not gonna be any lingering suspense Well, they're my finishes We do have a bunch of shows go over to nadpod.com slash live. Yeah, we're gonna a bunch of shows over to NedPod.com slash live. Yeah, we're going to be all over the place in September, October and November. So be on the lookout for that. And also check out our merch, of course. We're going to have this painting of the Leo's and the Otis Prano available right away. But we do have a lot of stuff coming out in our store very soon.

So NedPod.com slash shop, keep your eyes peeled there for the painting and other things. I think it can be a bunch of masturbation mirrors in there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. A lot of crowns that can go wherever you want, go wherever you want. A little beanie with the crown on there. Yeah, you can masturbate into. And with that, you can follow us on social media

that we're maybe right now used. That's H.H. Merchemy, at Call of These Call of the Wall. At Yaxford is Emily, and at JW underscore card, right? It's Jazz Bird. I got it, right? And you can do that on the show using hashtag, nadpod, that's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are We are the nation We are we are

The youth of the nation Oh My chambers Oh, glad They made a book about a video game Game game game We made a podcast about that book. It's the end of the show everybody and that means I need to shout out our benevolent council of elders starting with Brad D. Jeffrey S. C, later McSkater, Matt M, Cutter W, Feared Al, Daniel G, Dungeon Mama, Ok, maybe a little

bit sexual, Daniel the Dastardly Dame, Beard Man Dan, Danny P, Vincent W, Victor Taka, Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's Friend, Justin I, Ragnar Fared Wind, TJM, Traile the Cray, Christopher B, Daniel R, Jordan L, cyborg version of Josh the Cobald, Murph refusing to objectify the orange fairy in the top hat. Thank you so much for acknowledging me. Princess Yarr, Michael L, Jack L, Sam L, Nicholas C, a star of every film ever made in Bahumia,

now starring as a tin of beans and hard ones reality show airship interiors. Samuel B, Mike H, Elka Smeltzer Plus, great value gemma, Adam G, Tyler F, Panama James, Andrew the Druid, Heradrian, Rex Daniel the White, Diana DL, C.C. Lulu, Timmy R, Lucas B, RICO, it's Kevin, Calder will come cold again. Winter is coming, hashtag CCC forever, shout out to my fairy followers. Taylor B, the vengeful one-winged angel, cascade board cast, captain of the Stevens, Steven

C, Mike K, Lady Taco, Joy T, Jake L, Nick W, Swashbuckling, Swag Snagger, Foster the Boneless Duck, handing Emily Axford a Nobel Peace Prize in magical physics, William W, Big Bad, Breed or the Mad, Eric McD, Riot Ryan, Hungry Dave's Frisbee Golf Bud, Ananorama, Perseval Frederick Stein, Von Musul, Klazowski, De Rollo III. Adom, The Simple Dimples, J. Dragonborn. Vincent, I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people D. This Andrean, Ben A. Feldonis, Dave H. Catherine S. David K. Christian S. Dustin S. Connor F. Huck-I-Piers, Bookfars Assistant, Izzy F. DPC is awesome.

John, this shade-tree mechanic of Zill Bull Dahr. Summer Rose, aka Grand Terre. Markey Mark the Marvelous Mining Engineer. Kat-C. Kelsle. Misa of House in Zunza. Ariel, the occasional mermaid. Selena N, aka Vla C. Raptor.

Be Perky Always. Pat L. Sevexel. Akchutha A, Lauren H, Talia, Ryan S, The Bone Duster, Robert C.R.S.P, Ball Business, Illustrator, asking for an art request. I'm going to say the Tony soprano poster with Leonardo DiCaprio, but also Leonardo the Ninja Turtle. Ploups, Carly A, Addy K, Connor S, Christopher J, Pebblepot, to the do-writers my first, never mind we died, I'm a total now. Celil, Jack M, Leviathan, Bioquart 7,

Embroidered Extras, Sullivan H, Trub Hopp-Tropper, Sidney T, Jack H, Crabsdor Champion of Crod, Scuttling Sideways, towards tomorrow. Ecarium, life-stealer slayer of the 10,000, wanderer through time. Lindsay W. Juicy Kiwi, Valin, Carlin C, Emily S. Harry Cox, no other bagel of all things. James G, everything Bego, the Alladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger, Stripey. Dandy, Eric B, Marcos P, learns the balanced druid, Dakota JP, free to M, Pagos, Betrothed, Self-proclaimed, Faye Prince, Tracy P, the Crick-Ell-Fly Brurian, Andie, Holly Hyena, Christen Z, Leah C, Hunter H, who is super excited for the Midwest live shows this year, and we'll be at all four shows. Thank you, Hunter H, we're excited for the Midwest live shows this year and will be at all four shows.

Thank you Hunter H, we're excited to see you there. Maybe Pixel Stars, Akash T, Cal, just Cal, Commodore Galaxy, Edison N, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes the whole thing, yes every time, Monster Hunter Nios, our friend Simon, gratefully meeting Meg back in Dreamland and reflecting that eternal sleep is better than death. Keychains, Pentium 2 processor, Lorelai, the succubus, and Kyraher Busti Queen, Tert Cobain, Tortal, Bardarian. Here's a Bard Barbarian.

Your friendly neighborhood Yant and young girl Andrew and Sid, John Adams, yes like the President, Meg the Male Carrier, manager of Bohumia, who has gotten promoted due to her superb service to Simon. James F, M4L, Austin the ostentatious, Wayfarer, has now settled into their new life in the favoral as a florist, what could go wrong? Barpo Goodbaryl, Bard Barian, and Brewer Emeritus of Waterdeep. Mary Beth C. Melora Devotee. Well-slander. Garrett G. H. A. One Big Curd.

Mr. D. Dana the Daisy. Sean J. Ethan B. Renee the Monster Captain. Gabrielle W. Rinkerbell. Hopes Dagger the only dagger of hope. Kurt Nasty. Olivia the Unchanting Bard who is working hard on her audition for the lead's singer of the mountain crows, Winter Slade, hashtag TransRites, Michaela R, Forest H,

aka Life is like a box of Martha Togold sticky buns, Riley S, FICO, Angry Wheat, your boy Anthony, who moved positions and can't listen to podcasts that work anymore. We're so sorry Anthony. Josh H. Jack R. Mango and Panadas. Trog Dore the Burninator, Clementine T. Caleb L. This message has been brought to you by Ferries in support of hashtag CCC. Alex R. Bunkermaster and Player Disaster. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing Barbarian.

MJ the BFG drinking T by the sea, dogs of Babel, Calvia Silverfang, Geno T, Mama Bell, the silver serpent herself, Funer, Dr. Toulcus, Bouchick, wow, wow, Derek D, Tristan G, Leon K, legendary hero of Bohemia from a future campaign. Jazzman and fam,, Papa's elite team of lawyers, currently representing Emily in the case of Yabba-Dabba, do no sir Yabba-Dabba, don't. Alex Kay, Joshua P, Itmi Merrobiba, aka Josh S, Martin T, Alexander, Lins W, M-I-S,

Red the Reforged Warforged, Mr. Kraft, Hammy Beverly's Distan Corged, warforged, Mr. Kraft, Hammy Beverly's distant cousin, Dragon Knight 86, the godly king, hard ones, hot, hump, gunk, shell B who accidentally traveled back to 2018 and is following the tales of the two crew to the present for the first time. M.I.S. J.S. Pratton S. Jackson R. Trying to figure out how to say this next one. It's T3RHX. Maybe Teehee? Staleus, the subtle sneaky snail, Michelle,

and finally Andrew S. Thank you all so much for listening. Thank you so much to all of our Patreon subscribers. And of course, all of our benevolent Council of Elders can head on over to our Patreon to listen to our after show. Until then, we'll see you all next time.