Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: A Mastermind and an Artist (w/ Ally Beardsley!)

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

Dungeon Court is back in session, featuring the return of Justice Ally Beardsley! Join Justices Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and Beardsley, along with the Barely Bear Bailiff Hurwitz, as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!Get Tickets to Dimension 20 Live Here!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Tanner and joined again by Justice Ali Beardsley. Welcome back. Thank you. How was your recess? How was your sabbatical? It was good. A lot of people paid for a lot of things for me. Wow. And I won't be writing this down. I will not be reporting it.

We're not supposed to admit to that. Gorgeous painting of myself. You've been flying private a lot, Justice Beardsley. I've been flying only private. Yeah, all those pictures on a boat that you said, mine. Yeah. I thought that was a joke. No, yeah.

Burbank to downtown LA. That's a short flight. That's a super short flight. I didn't know I've only flight private. Burbank to LAX. I didn't know that they let you paint your face on the plane. I thought that was fun, like right on the nose there. They do.

Yeah, when it's private, you just get to get, it's free range. Super dangerous chemicals too. They kind of leak out into the air. It's pretty fucked up Yeah, I only used a lead based As boomers we love lead pain lead pain is like slightly sweet and that's why like Yeah, cuz like the paint chips were kind of like had a sweet taste to them. Oh, I thought you were kidding. No, I thought you were being like a bad influence. This could be fake.

This could be like a fake fact that like just floated into my feed. No, I think you're right. Cause I think I've been around. Lead paint and eating some jelly tasty paint. I have some memories. I mean, gasoline smells rad. Yeah, that's true.

And you know, I wanna drink it. What's your guilty pleasure? Yeah, gasoline or paint? And then of course you got the low. That's good. You know, I wanna drink it. What's your guilty pleasure in gasoline or pain? And then of course you got the lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly bailiff, Kate Hurwitz. Yes, introduced after gasoline. Yeah. That's why I only did a few lowlys. Yeah, because you demoted me enough.

And with that, here ye, here ye, crit is now in session. The honorable Supreme Crit, Justices Axford Murphy Tanner, and of course, Beardsley presiding. And our first case comes from Reby D. Reby writes- That's so pleasurable to say. Reby D.

Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D.

Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Reby D. Thanks a lot. I present to y'all the case of the banishment bungle, an incident that hath conjured a rift betwixt party and DM. We were a high level party fighting a homebrew dragon turtle. Our cleric dedicated nearly every turn of combat to trying to banish said turtle when after a gnarly

bite attack he wound up in its mouth. On his next turn, he cast banishment again, and it worked. Now the question that caused this rift is this, does the cleric get banished too? Whoa. We ended our session to debate this query and ended up later running our own mock D&D court, which I encourage everyone to do at home. That's so fun.

We players rocked up dressed as lawyers and our DM got so into the bit that he wrote a 3000 plus word brief on his ruling. Oh my God, share the brief. Leak the brief. I do ask everybody to keep it brief, but not like that. A 3000 word brief on his ruling, which was against the cleric citing a quote,

vore clause for the fact that our cleric was inside the turtle. But judges, how do you rule? Should the banishment have affected our poor cleric? I just want to start out by saying I actually got really distracted because I thought that this was banishment bunghole. Oh.

And so I've been waiting for a butthole that was banishment for real. A butthole that never came. You really bung-holed that one. I guess, I mean, what is banishment but creating a bunghole to another world? Yeah. And what is the mouth but a banishment to the bunghole?

Okay. What is the mouth but heaven's bunghole? Caldwell's holding up his phone. I assume he either got an urgent text or he has banishment pulled up. Oh, it's a picture of a turtle's butthole. Oh, perfect. That's so cool.

My wife is saying need to talk and I'm just like pushing that aside. I've been there brother. Trust me, you do not want to have that conversation. Need to talk zero punctuation is the scariest text you could possibly get. Or just period. Or just period. Or call period. Or just period.

Or call me. Oh yeah. No function. I've desperately tried to pinch zoom in on the turtle butthole and those wive texts keep interrupting me. Me too, talk. The best response to that is,

yeah, good luck with that. Yeah. And learning so much, man. Yeah, dude. Let's have paint together. Okay, I do have the banishment spell pulled up. I can read it. It's a long one, so strap in.

I think that we should read it though, because there might be an answer directly in here. Okay, let's see. Range is 60 feet. Target one creature that you can see within range. One creature. That's that. One creature.

It might say anything they're wearing or have eaten. Let's take a look. You didn't need to learn how to tie a Windsor knot and show up to your mom's It was the cleric that cast it, right? Yes. Right. So it's like, you're holding your hand out, you're casting banishment on this thing. It's a magic spell. It doesn't have to bring you with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The turtle is not wearing you. I don't think that's how food works.

But go on, go on, Caldwell. Now I'm really thinking about that. Even though this is already buttoned up because of the sentence. Okay. It's so tidy. It's so funny how far out deep it went. We all got into costume.

There's a 3,000 face-free. And the first thing that says, one creature and only one creature. Moving right along. There could be a sentence. Caldwell said it's long. Yeah, that's true. Let's keep on reading. I'm going to components.

Verbal, somatic, material, an item tasteful to the target. So I guess something, I mean, it'd be hard to find. This is going to take way too long if we discuss every single little word in this. You know what, we haven't gone deep in a while. Yeah, keep going. Concentration, up to one minute. Let's see. You attempt to send one creature that you can see within range to another plane of existence.

Target must succeed on a Charisma saving throw or be banished. If the target is native to the plane of existence you're on, you banish the target to a harmless dummy plane while their target is incapacitated. Target remains there until the spell ends, which way the target reappears in the space it left or in the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied. If the target is made to a different plane of existence

than the one that you're on, the target is banished with a faint popping noise. That's fun. That is funny. That's interesting, not relevant, but interesting. Objection, not relevant. Like when you stick your finger in the bunghole of your face and you pop it out.

Returned into a tome plane. If the spell ends before one minute has passed, the target reappe finger in the bunghole of your face, and you pop it out. Return to its home plane. If the spell ends before one minute is passed, the target reappears in the space it left or in the nearest unoccupied space, if that space is occupied. Otherwise, the target doesn't return when you cast a spell using a spell slot of fifth or level or higher.

Target one additional creature for each slot level above four. Definitely did not target themselves on purpose. I think based on the text, this is cut and dry. This is pretty cut and dry. Yeah, what was the 3000 word? I know. And what was the lore clause?

No, it was a vore clause. Like eating. Yeah, which I looked up as kind of like a- It's eating king. It's eating king. Yeah, right. Swallowing, being devoured. It's like a mukbang.

Is it to be eaten or is it- I think it's to be eaten. Uh-huh. Yeah. To be devoured by somebody. I don't know what that has to do with banishment. I think it just looks like that. I think that this is really fun.

This is how we got to the 3000 War. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, you know, you could see like a picture of Sonic and he swallowed Knuckles, and Knuckles is like, help, help, I'm in the tummy. I mean, that is how a lot of people, in ancient Greece, won arguments, just by talking more than the other one.

Yeah. No one had to go to bed because it was dark out. And you're only candles. Yeah, this judge was trying to post their way through which is a risky maneuver. Yeah, I think this is cut and dry. There's lots of good punishments on the table right now.

It feels like there's bung holes, there's being devoured, there's being banished. We can do like a 9,000 word retraction of the boys. Oh, maybe they have to do a mea culpa. The person who wrote the 3,000 word document does a 3,000 word mea culpa. Right, 3,001 words.

3,001. The last word being sorry. We could also. Oh, love that. Sorry to us though, specifically. Yeah. As an addendum, we could also make them adopt a turtle to us though, specifically. Yeah. As an addendum, we could also make them adopt a turtle because they live for a long ass time.

And that's just like a lot of work. That's just a lot of work. Oh. Yeah. Are they a lot of work? They live for a long time. They do live for a long time. My mom just got a large tortoise and I'm like,

Holy shit. That's your turtle. That's your turtle. That's your turtle. Like you bought me a turtle. Yeah, exactly. I need to know everything about this turtle. Mass of its name, Hillary.

Yeah. This is something that comes up a lot in D&D court where people try to take like real world things and she's like, there are just mechanics for this. It's just like the character is grappled in the person's mouth. They cast a spell, they're out. It seems fun to be in the belly of a beast.

Yeah. And like, cause a lot of the times those situations, how the heck do you get out? Maybe you just banish the thing that's eaten. Yeah. I think that's such a fun solution. If you're watching the movie of this moment, it's not like they both disappear.

Totally. If they disappear around them, they drop to the floor. They drop to the floor covered in nasty gashes. Cause also it sounds like it failed a couple of times, right? So it's like you're building up to this moment and to just be like, actually, fuck you. I actually, I gotcha. You're actually gone too, you know.

You actually get hit by your own firewall. Why? That was so epic, we're all gonna stop playing and discuss it now. Because you crit with your sword, you actually also hit yourself. Your follow through was so insane, you knocked your helmet off.

I prefer if the story was worse, thank you. Yeah, okay. And I'm sure there's people listening, like slamming their desk being like, but they're inside it when they banish it! It's fucking magic. Yeah. It is magic.

The turtle disappeared and you stayed. But also, like, you're not a part of the turtle until the stomach acid dissolves you. If you really need to get down to the biology of it. Yeah. If we're gonna bring real world stuff into it, we'll use the turtle pile. And even do you, if a turtle were to eat you,

would you really become part of them or would parts of you nourish the turtle while the rest of you then gets shit into the, I actually don't know. I think the part of you that nourished it would become part of the turtle, but that's after you're digested. After I get it.

But then the part of you that doesn't get digested by the turtle. When you're just in the mouth, you're not supposed to. Digestion does start in the mouth, though. Should we take a touchdown break? I'll do some research. Yeah.

Should I go back to college? I have a tie in my car. We really should get a court turtle just to have as a mascot. Great, so that's a punishment for RebiD and for us. Our future generations, yeah. So we're all adopting turtles, and you owe us an apology. Our next case comes from Anna Zhu.

Anna writes, to the effervescent justices and the whatever-do-we-be-Baeliff, after a close encounter with the BBEG that involved the destruction of a civilization of giants, our party managed to escape via high speed boat and reunite with old NPC allies. After experiencing those harrowing events, my PC decided to spend some time alone.

At the time, this didn't seem like a big deal, but near the end of the session, our DM asked me for a saving throw out of nowhere. I fail, my PC is kidnapped by the BBEG, and the session ends. I was devastated. I complained and complained, but all the DM said was, quote,

I'm a mastermind and an artist. Well, I was really on their side until that. For several sessions, I had to play as my PC sister. Whenever I would ask about my kidnapped PC, I would only be reminded by my DM that quote, he was a mastermind and an artist. Wow. Now I have been-

I'm back on track. I know right, the consistency. It's a rule of three is if it comes again, like- The confidence, you know? Now I may have been a little stupid and intoxicated as the BBEG had ways of kidnapping characters from anywhere and my PC's magic was of special interest to the BBEG. Okay.

So I ask ask your honors, is our DM a so-called mastermind and artist? P.S. the situation was resolved with a high stakes Indiana Jones style infiltration into a magic demonic laboratory where my PC absolutely fried the villain with godly fireballs. So all ended well.

Okay, so look, let's take, I'm a mastermind and an artist and put it to the side. But we do have to come back to second. We do have to come back. We do have to come back to it. Without that, removing that from the situation, it sounds like your DM was trying to set you up for a badass breakout. It's also, this is what happens

in like a Ninja Turtle story, right? It's like whenever Raphael gets upset and goes off by himself, that's when he gets captured. Yeah, wow. That's the turtle that gets captured. Today is about turtles, huh? It really is, I didn't even realize that. Turtle brain, yeah.

If you think about the mastermind in an artist thing. It's Thursday. When you're. It's Thursday. It is Thursday. It's Thursday, right? You have to stop. She can't keep getting away with that.

It's Thursday somewhere, dude. Oh my God, I need that shirt. I need that garment. Sorry, Jake, what were you saying? I actually think we should call it the episode. Yeah, the episode's over. It's a Thursday, man. Well, it's a Tertsy Thursday, so.

It's Tertsy Thursday. Let's go get a drink. Tertsy Thursday. The mastermind and the artist thing is kind of like, you're like asking for your PC back and you're like, no, you know, they're gone because I'm a mastermind and an artist. But then of like, you're like asking for your PC back and you're like, no, you know, they're gone because I'm a mastermind and an artist. But then as you do the Indiana Jones heist,

you realize the DM was maybe saying, don't worry. I'm a mastermind and an artist. Yeah, I think that's it. That's definitely what they were saying. Totally. There's also, I know it seems like railroad-y or whatever, but there are spells that if you fail them, you are captured.

You know what I mean? Like a B-B- BBEG would typically have, if that big bad evil guy at the end of the campaign would have something like a dominate monster, which just means you're charmed and under full control, which would mean like you just lose your character for a little bit. So that makes sense.

And it sounds like you're at the end times where a BBEG is destroying a civilization. Yeah. And then you're like, all right, I'm gonna go for a fucking walk. Which also, they said that they were intoxicated. I feel like a couple of details were hidden about what was going on.

It came in at the 11th hour. It sounds like a cool story moment where it's like you just witnessed this terrible thing, your character goes off and is drinking ales looking out over the sunset, being like, what the hell am I doing this? And then suddenly you get captured. That's kinda fuckin' cool.

It's kinda fuckin' cool. Okay, so now let's reintroduce I'm a mastermind in an artist. Now that's on the table. I think that's just saying, trust me. Do we think it's a joke or do we think it's sincere? I can see a version where someone's being cheeky and they're like, I'm a mastermind and an artist.

And I'm like, okay, you're up to something, something's up your sleeve. But I can see a dead serious version, I'm a mastermind and an artist. Yeah. That really is awkward. If they fumbled it, I wouldn't give them a generous read. But the fact that this ended well suggests to me

that the DM is a good DM. Do we all agree that the DM cooked? Yeah. It sounds like it was mechanically sound. Yeah. And then you were able to play a backup or like a sister character. So we're still very much involved and then huge payoff.

And then you got revenge. It's great. Yeah. If anything, I think that maybe they are a mastermind. Unfortunately, you're, yeah. Like the situation has been proven out that your DM is in fact a mastermind. Yeah, fortunately. I think the only alternative here would out that your DM is in fact a mastermind. Yeah, fortunately.

I think the only alternative here would be if the DM while you're trying to protest, just slowly put a single finger on your lips and shush you. I think the saying, I'm a mastermind and artist is actually a little more respectful than that. Yeah, it is more respectful than that. You're right. Definitely.

It's them physically shutting someone up. Also, it's way more saying saying I'm a mastermind and artist is way more respectful than angrily shutting your laptop and saying, well then why don't you fucking DM? Right? So it actually is more respectful. Loudly sobbing in the next room. I think it's fun to imagine how long it took

between the moment when this person walked off by themselves and the DM captured them, because I'm sure the second they walked off by themself, the person was like salivating. Like, yes, I finally do this thing. And so that's the mark of a good DM, is how much time passed between them and them. That's natural.

Yeah. Like if the DM was just like, you're out on your own, BBEG grabs you. Yeah. Then that sucks. They made the throw. Also if it was really early in the campaign and it's like, oh, this guy has a dominate monster,

and I'm level three, or something like that. Then it's bullshit, but it sounds like it was end of the campaign. You went off on your own, and it also sounds like, story-wise, you just witnessed this terrible thing. Sorry, but there needs to be a new story arc. This is the cold open to the new season. And that brings us to the finale.

You need to learn some responsibility. You're going to get a turtle. Yeah, that's true. A baby, it's dressed as a baby though, and your teacher did give it to you. And you have to bring it back alive. It's a thirsty Thursday, and adoptions are two for one. Oh, so you get two turtles.

Two for one. Turr for one. Oh, so you get two for one. Turr for one. That's true, because you need to learn to trust the process. What is more trusting the process than looking after a turtle? You can't spell trust without turtles. That is the process. You can't spell trust without turtles. You can't spell turtles without trust. That's true.

That's too true. That's too true. We don't say it enough. I'm actually going to go ahead and write that one down and try to remember it for the future. You can't spell turtles without tru. Make sure you write down tersty tersday. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. We're gonna forget that one. Oh, it's a tattoo that she has. Turf for one. Buy one, get one, tur. Okay. I think you need to go up to your DM and you need to go,

you know what, you are a mastermind and a genius and you can't spell turtles without tru you need to go, you know what, you are a mastermind and a genius and you can't spell turtles without trust. Oh, you know what? Your two turtles are gonna be named mastermind and artist. Oh! That's great. Oh, wow. That's great.

Next time they say I'm a mastermind and an artist, you can say, no, my turtles aren't. No, they are. The turtles are just sitting on the table for all games going forward. I just live with them. The turtle shells are painted like they do at the mall and they're really fucked up right where it's just like.

Grey painted. I don't think this is hurting the turtle but this does look like animal abuse. It doesn't need to look like a soccer ball. No one, who had this idea? Let's stop that. As long as they don't use the lead paint that Beardsley uses, it should be fine.

God, it's so good. There was that episode of Hey Arnold where the turtle had painting on him and it was upsetting. Oh, it was really sad. Yeah, but that was like graffiti though. Yeah, I don't like it. I don't like that shit. I don't like it.

I like when the turtle went back in the water. It's his shell. It means something different to him than a wall does to us. Yeah. That's really true. That's the other touch. Hey, I don't see you writing that down. If you banish the shell, the turtle will go with it.

A shell is not a wall. It's a home. Oh, that's a good question. If you banish the shell, the turtle will go with it. A shell is not a wall. Oh, that's a good question. If you banish the shell, does the turtle remain? That's its spine, so it would go. Oh, OK. It would definitely go. That was crazy. All right, so ordered.

Unless we're, is there any more things you guys want to talk about? A shell is a home. I feel like that got lost a little bit. Yeah, yeah. OK. Any more turtle things anybody wants to say? It's not a wall.

It's four walls and a roof, AKA a home. AKA a home. That's what everybody wants to say. It's not a wall. It's four walls and a roof. Yeah, okay Let's move on our next case come on show home. Let's go. Hi nice Our next case comes from high Grove to the right honorable judges and the supreme of the supreme crit and the lowliest bailiff Jake I bring the case of the goodbye gift grift Who in my college years, I had the pleasure of being part of an amazing D&D campaign that stretched many years. Big shout out to my DM Kyle, you set my imagination on fire. Oh my gosh, it's beautiful!

The adventure was a rousing success, but one moment has continued to nag at the back of my mind, the exit of the original party's wizard. It was a natural, no bad feeling situation. He had finished school and was moving and his exit was justified in lore as his character dedicating himself to studying the portal Arcana we would eventually need to rescue another character from bear hell. Beautiful.

Bear hell? Bear hell. Where bad bears go. I didn't know if it was like bear hell, like B-A-R-E as if there's only one hell, not nine hells. Where bears go when they're bad. Or like a nude hell. I was right there with you.

I appreciate the description. I don't know what anyone's talking about. When bears do not make up for their sins, they go to bear hell. They go to bear hell. They don't bear repent. They go to bear hell. There's a bear prey in the woods.

You killed too many salmon, you bear. Not once have you been to bear hell. There's a bear prey in the woods, yeah. You killed too many salmon, you bear. Not once it could have bear hell. Go on. Okay, he had his final session, got in his bows and roses, and exited with the vast majority of the party's cash supply to fund his research. Okay.

Smash cut to four sessions later, and one of the party members asks the DM if we've heard how this research is progressing. Imagine our surprise to hear that no research was being done. The wizard had absconded with nearly all of our gold, not to research how we might confront the bear devil, but to fuck off to a personal retirement plane like some sort of Elminster meets Danny Ocean. Oh my god, he did a pyramid scheme? I put it to the core. Was this a dick move or an objectively hilarious goof?

Were we rightfully fleeced like the sheep we are? Or should the wizard's retirement plane have been raided by the Interplanar Bureau of Investigation? I humbly await your judgment. Okay, so- Okay, the thing that we don't know here is- Was it the wizard or the DM? Did the player and DM say, this is a funny end?

Or did the player say, I'm gonna do this, move to another city? And then the DM said this happened. Yeah, and also is the bear devil a devil that's a bear, or is it a devil that is just fully naked? What's a naked bear? It's a fucking devil that is a bear. That's not where you're gonna call it. I don't know why people are not fucking getting this.

Thank you, Caldwell, for making the clarifications, the barifications that I need. If you don't fucking apologize for your sins you go to bear Hell if you're a bear, right? Okay. Don't pray bear Jesus died for those So fucking simple bear Jesus died for their sins crucified on a honeycomb Jesus died for their sins. He's crucified on a honeycomb. Yeah And Stabbed in the side by a bee. Yeah, multiple bees hands and feet. Yeah, and then this campaign sounds awesome

The band and there is a devil who is a bear. It's pretty much Winnie the Pooh. Have you seen it? It's kind of a fucked up Winnie the Pooh. I've been writing it for years If you're interested I actually have a lot more. I have a lot more where that came from. I've acted out a few of them. What were we talking about? Okay, so basically, one PC did like a send off and then... I'm gonna assume that this was okayed by the Wizard or even the Wizard's idea. I think it was true. If the DM just. Or was the DM like, you know what, I don't want you guys to find out too much about this portal, I'm gonna hide it from you. I don't want to. If that happened, that would be bullshit. Yeah.

That would be, if that was the case, that would be bullshit, because that's a perfect way to be like, all your money and efforts gave you this really cool clue. Yeah. It's so easy to come up with just a little bitty clue. Yeah. I'm interested in how much money factors into this campaign,

because some of them, it doesn't matter that much and you're like, so if this was like a major loss and you needed that money or those items for shit and they're all gone, like it's not just like a percentage of them funny joke, that's brutal. Well the more of them are gone and the more they need them, the funnier it gets to me. It is funny to have a really nice end to your campaign

and then privately message your DM and be like, It is funny to have a really nice end to your campaign and then privately message your DM and be like, by the way, I just fucked off. That's right. I stole from her. I took everything. It is kind of nice to be like, some characters you're like, I don't know, this person just wants to fucking retire.

The retirement part. But they lied. I think they said they were trying to research something. They did lie. I know, I know, that's not okay. My headcan. I think they said they were trying to research something. They did lie. I know, I know. That's not okay. My headcanon is that they like tried to research for like a week and were like,

oh, this is really hard. And then they just went to Cabo. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. That reminds me, did you guys ever watch Franklin growing up? It was on after the big red dog. Yeah. Another turtle show.

Yeah, it reminds me of like an episode on there where Franklin steals everybody's turtle Soul Franklin never I don't know if you guys remember that episode I wouldn't put it past. Yeah, really a devious little shit Franklin. No, I don't know. I think about that episode every day. He was kind Devious little shit Franklin. No, I don't know. I think about that episode every day. He was kind I have to admit I have never even seen the show right now It feels like you guys are talking about a fake show and I don't know Childs turtle about financial literacy. Yeah. Yeah, I think he's in bear hell. That's where I think Turtles don't go to fucking bear hell

You guys know such fucking little about Actually insane Not all that died who are bad go to bear hell. Yeah, the bear devil is there He's not naked unless he chooses to be he is a bear. You're you're coming my risk neutral All turtles are Buddhists. Who's getting punished here? I think we have to punish either the wizard or the DM.

It's really hard though, right? Because it is kind of a funny thing for the right group. Yeah. It's also, it feels like a fun way to like reintroduce the wizard for a one shot or something like that, where it's just like, oh. Where they just kick his ass. They find him in retirement. he's like, what?

Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah, oh, the research is coming along. So slow, can I actually get some more money? He's on the beach. Yeah. Oh, shit, no, I was gonna do the research. I was just about to do it. You're surrounded by gorgeous hi-hats. I think if money factors heavily

or you need some of this shit back, a punishment could be you find like a jackpot somewhere in an upcoming session and get some of that back. But if it was just like, you know, if you're just like having gotten fleeced, but it didn't really materially matter, then it's kind of funny.

And I think you're punished. I think the answer to both of the questions is yes. Like it was a dick move and it was funny. So it almost like cancels each other I think the only way that I would be Against the wizard here or not not against the wizard is against this idea is if the DM Decided that the wizard did that did it on because that's be smirching the good name of the wizard I was there wanted to have a nice ending for their car

So then like actually your characters a fucking jack if the wizard oh Just like, actually your character's a fucking jackass. If the wizard and the DM conspired to rob you, then that's funny. And if the wizard intended to go do research and the DM decided that they robbed you, then it's fun. Maybe we could punish the DM to run a heist where you get your shit back.

Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that's interesting. You have to go to the wizard's tower, which is just a Playboy Mansion. Yeah, it's like a tower run up the Playboy Mansion. But I think we can do a generous read. A dungeon crawl of the Playboy Mansion. Shine me up.

Shine me up. All right, excuse me. Not to borrow a phrase, but you've whipped my imagination on fire. That's true. Kyle wouldn't do this, right? Kyle would not. Kyle lights imaginations on fire.

Kyle would not decide what this wizard did. So this must have been the wizard's plan, in which case I think it's fine. I also think, I don't know, I'm all for deprioritizing loot mindedness in D&D. It's like, let's play the game. I love loot. Yeah, I mean, loot's fun,

but sitting there and being like, how much money does he have on him? How much did, what sword does this bandit have? It's just like, the bandit has a shitty sword, he's a bandit, you're a young, you have better stuff. Oh, the family heirloom sword that my father gave me, can I hawk this? Yeah.

How much is it worth? Do you cut all of that out of every single episode? Especially the desperation and the heavy breathing. Right, this is annoying. I killed the bandit, I killed the bandit. What is the bandit's cloak worth? Nothing, he has to be a bandit to live How many grenades can I buy?

He didn't want to be a bandit. He's a bandit because he's not doing great. Yeah Yeah, he doesn't you know you guys like are level 10. So you have gold teeth? Are saving the world. Can I go back to the bandit's key? I opened up his mouth! I have gold teeth! Okay, yeah, you pry open this man's mouth. He has let's roll Are you all enjoying this This guy this guy was trying to make ends meet you pull his teeth off his dead body We're all gonna bury hill aren't we? Yeah, I think as long as the wizard plans this, it's a funny thing. I also was kind of, I don't know,

my eyebrow went up and it was like, they needed a lot of our money when they left. I was like, that's a weird ruling for the DM to make, but if the wizard plans this. That sounds planned by both of them, right? Exactly. In a world where pranks now are like people harassing people in public and just like,

Just like smacking them. Yeah, just like hit someone with a gallon of milk at the Acme or something for TikTok. It's like stealing somebody's fake money in a fake world. I think it's fine. Feels so gentle. Yeah, so gentle.

Okay, so is there gonna be a punishment for the players? Yeah, for the high growth players. The players? Yeah, you have to give the wizard real cash for getting it. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, memo them $5 and say, you got me good, dude. Yeah.

You got me, have real cash. You have it. Spend this on your next group. See you in bear hell. Yeah. Okay, you're going to bare hell with some cash. So ordered. So turtle.

Our next, so, so turtle. Yeah. So turtle. This episode of NAD pod is brought to you by ExpressVPN. I don't know if you've been paying attention to, well, everything lately, but huge tech companies don't just want your money, they want to know everything about you.

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James B writes to the venerated godlike supreme crit justices and the bailiff, Johan, who I'm honestly warming up to. Isn't it Johan? Johan, sure. No, no, that's your name, right, Johan? Johan, yeah. No, it's Goku's son, Johan. Oh, I see. Dude, stop.

Who I'm warming up to. You know I'm a gamer. I've hangered his gamer heart. You can't just say this stuff in front of me, man. Who I'm honestly warming up to but is still on thin ice. I present to the, I present the case of the premeditated brother murder. Well, my group was preparing for a sequel campaign to the first that we had ever run, Curse of Strahd. In that campaign, only two PCs made it out of Barovia, including my ranger. In session zero, one of the other players whose character, a gunslinger fighter, was lost to the Shadowfell said he was interested in playing one of my PC's brothers.

In my backstory, my ranger had a huge family with eight siblings who he cared about more than anything. I was really excited about this and he, the DM, and I worked out the details and collaborated to make a new PC, my Ranger's youngest brother, an arcane trickster rogue. Great. Fun. Awesome. This song sounds great. Yeah, we had a great time playing and everything went well. Wow. Next case. Okay. Just kidding. Session one rolls around and for the plot hook, my Ranger and the Rogue's family home is invaded by minions of the Big Bad. Combat breaks out and me and the Rogue are stuck fighting

two minions and a badass warrior henchmen in our own burning home. I immediately engage the warrior and hand to hand to give the Rogue a chance to knock down the goons and back me up. On the Warrior's turn, they knock me down with a trip attack and immediately made for the rogue.

They then action surged and unloaded six attacks on the level four rogue. The first war took them down and the villain looked at my ranger in the eye and stabbed twice down into the heart of the dying rogue, my ranger's little brother, killing him. I'm shocked! A PC death this early? I roleplay my ranger struggling to breathe through the fumes of his burning home and crawling towards his brother's body. Outnumbered, I stood no chance. As the villain reared his spear to impale me, the walls shuddered

as a shot rained through them. On the other side, my friend's real character, his gunslinger from the last campaign, who I thought was lost in the Shadowfell. Okay, it turns out that he and the DM planned this from the beginning and used my PC's brother as bait for the reveal. I could barely speak for the rest of the session. Jaws are on the floor in this room. I was utterly gobsmacked. So many DMs and players working together

to fog over the party. That is the real villain. Hey dude, how would you like to have one person at the table have an awful time? This guy's a mastermind and an artist, I gotta say. He kinda is. That's also so funny to be like, hey, I wanna play your player's little brother.

They fucking got together. You would still be his brother. I would be earnestly upset. I would too. If someone was like, I'm gonna play your little sibling, let's make this backstory together. And you did all that stuff. And session zero,

it's revealed that they just wanted a big ride. Cause I will be like, Hey man, I've been journaling backstory for us. It's so funny to see the gunslinger like blowing the smoke off his pistols. Be like, were you surprised? I gave him up with nicknames for you. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, did it get you? I wanted it to be authentic. We had six other siblings we talked about. Yeah, was there anything else, Jack? The fight resolved and the minions ran off, but not before kidnapping another member of my Rangers family. Oh, Jesus.

The session ended and I was left reeling in real life with the gunslinger and the DM laughing as their delicious plot had taken me, hook, line and sinker. They still razz me about this to this day. You trusted us, idiot. Yeah, exactly. Justice says, was I the victim of a vicious premeditated murder?

I mean, yeah. Of my character's brother. The answer is yeah. Or was I just legendarily whomped? I await your fair and reasonable assessment. Wow. Okay, so It's interesting. It's interesting hearing you all because I think that the way I play PC's is maybe very like DM minded And so I'm always thinking of like the macro and maybe not living in the moment as much as I should

Murphy because I that's what they call But I do think this is a cool story thing. So there is a part of me that I am like, this is a cool, actually a cool thing for my back. And on that, let me read the PS actually. Oh, okay. Let me read the PS here. My ranger's brother was revivified next session,

but it still hurt. So the- Oh, and they didn't keep playing. They did not keep playing. But I think it takes the sting did not keep playing. Yeah. Okay. See, it takes this thing out a little bit. Yeah.

It does take this thing out. I think it just feels like, it's someone saying like, do you want to play with me? And being like, yeah, let's do it. This will be so fun. I think if you have a table where people go back behind the DM screen for one-on-one plans together,

and everyone kind of gets a chance to have that influence on the story, then this is kinda like, oh wow, that was pretty epic and that's kinda crazy. But if you haven't really had that opportunity and it just feels like, oh kinda weird, like this person kinda mini DM'd at the table, they're not quite a PC and they did this crazy reveal. To conspire against you and then razz you that they got you.

Yeah, totally. You had no chance of sniffing that out at all. It's like, ha ha, we were able to lie to you as your friend. You fucking idiot. I lied to you not as my character, but as a person. Yeah, totally, totally. Yeah, I think it's like, if they wanted to do this surprise, they just didn't need to do the bait and switch.

They didn't, yeah. Because I agree, it is a great backstory. It's a cool moment. That's a really cool moment. It's just like, I'm sure that the experiencing it as a PC was almost undercut by the confusion as a player. Yeah, yeah, totally. I think you have this in your back pocket,

like in case there's a character death, it just feels like really weird to have this happen so suddenly and have it be so premeditated. Yeah. I think the weirdest thing about it is the fact that I think ultimately maybe what makes this not work is that it undercuts the reintroduction of this other character, right? So on the one hand, I am like, I would be surprised

and I would be horrified and this would motivate my character but as soon as the person's like, here's my real character, I shoot the thing and then they start laughing at me. I'm like, I no longer care about my brother. I'm just mad at you. I am being made fun of. I don't care about this new character that you have. There's also extra preferential treatment

that not that the DM and this person conspired against you, but also that they let them bring back their dead character. Yeah, like such special treatment. So yeah, that's true. That's like double special treatment. Yeah. Yeah, and meanwhile, you just got lied to. Yeah.

It's also like this player is getting double dinners. Like he's having dinners with the DM. They're having dinners with this player as well. Like there's too much backroom dealing going on. Yeah, exactly. I said this one about another case, but this is a classic, like, is there a group text I'm not on?

Yeah. Yeah. The greatest fear of the modern age. And there was. There was, yeah. And this is your finding out there was. I feel like I'm coming around to it because it is so dramatic and kind of cool.

I just think some of the dials need to be tweaked. Maybe not such a zero. It undercuts it, yeah. It really undercuts it, the fact that they're like, actually, this is my other guy. And then you don't even get to be happy that the other character's there. Totally.

Because it's like, you tricked me. I'm not happy to see this. Yeah, and you sacrifice my friend. It's played by you, a liar. Totally, totally. I think it's also like, it's so rare that it actually works that someone's like, I'm gonna make a fight you can't win, right?

So it's like, the initial fight was made to be unwinnable so that this person could have their big reveal. So being in an unwinnable fight is, I don't think I've ever felt it feel good. It's a little writery. It's a little like, this has to all go according to plan. So we're gonna kind of force it a little bit. It's a tough thing cause like it works in video games and TV and movies and stuff like that. It feels good in like a final fantasy when like you get like trounced, you know that you're gonna fight that boss later.

But like it might have worked if the DM was just like, hey, I'm gonna bring a younger brother of yours into the thing. And it wasn't like another PC. Yeah, if you killed an NPC at the start of it. Yeah. And then the DM was like, just kidding. I killed them right away. You're like, whoa, huge.

But I don't feel the same. That is the better week. I know there's something about PC. Yeah, and if your friend was like, I'm gonna play a character. I'm not gonna reveal them yet. Yeah. And then it's like.

Also the description of like, I described my character choking on the smoke. Yeah. As they reach for their dead brother. It's just Jesus Christ. Description of like I described my character choking on As they reach for their dead brother Jesus Christ and they went my character got super ripped I think I think the reason that unwinnable fights can work in video games and not D&D is that for me when I realize it's Unwinnable rolling feels stupid. Yeah. It gets to your turn and you're like, all right, I guess I attack. It doesn't even fucking matter if I crit.

Yeah. And this was like even beyond that. DC 30 to not be charmed, okay. I literally can't do that. Yeah. Just take my guy. It's an unwinnable fight that was drawn up with other playing characters. And you're still being made fun of for it.

And you're still being made fun of. I think that's what really turns it against them is the fact that they're still, it really turts it against them. This is a wrong, a wrongful razzing. We broke your trust, idiot. I think it's a wrongful razzing.

It's for sure a wrongful razzing. Yeah, it's a very wrongful razzing. Yeah. I wish we could see how they celebrated after this after they were just like, yeah, we got their ass. Yeah, totally. Did you see me look on their face?

Yeah, I should have seen your face when we killed that character. You were invested in the story, you idiot. Totally. So this is, so we are going to rule against this DM and this player. I think so. Which is interesting because we had the opposite ruling on the other one. But I think ultimately it's murdering someone's brother first taking their money.

It's definitely pretty bad. Less of a prank. This is more of a throwing a jug of milk at someone at, well, you should have dodged that, idiot. You should have been suspecting at all moments that someone might throw a jug of milk at you. But don't worry, it's being filmed, so you shouldn't be mad.

I think that Beardsley was right when it's like, it's just like the dials need to be tweaked on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it's a taste issue, and maybe that's a different table. You want a more, you know, like gentle table and then there's some like dunk on you tables that people really find fun. You have to like crossfade all the way

to the other direction on this. Yeah. I mean we can- The treble up a little bit. Wrongful razzing. Premeditated murder, but also wrongful razz. Isn't it premeditated wrongful razz? Yeah.

Oh my God, it was a premeditated razz. I haven't thought of that. Moleful. Is this our first premeditated wrongful Raz. Yeah. Oh my God, it was a premeditated Raz. I never thought of that. Moldful. Is this our first premeditated Raz? No, we had that one person who brought a referee costume. Oh, that's right. That was a premeditated Raz. That was a premeditated Raz.

Wow. That was a premeditated really bad joke. Wow. They wore a referee costume with a whistle. To say that somebody was a rules lawyer, but they were just like overdoing it and the other person wasn't being a rules lawyer. And they showed up in the outfit and they're like,

are you in a referee outfit? They just had a prep joke. Yeah. And it just didn't really ever come to fruition. Yeah, the razzing got rerouted. Yeah, anyway, this one does sound like it worked to their credit. Yeah.

Well, you know what? The punishment should be that a referee has to sit at this table. Oh. Yeah, we should bring back the players to that a referee has to sit at this table So about a wrong for razing this is since this was premeditated this is a first-degree razz Wow a first-degree wrong for razing. Yeah, you can go to bear hell for that Ten years in burial, yeah, maybe I'll walk around with a garbage picker upper and beautify bear hell. Yeah, you can do that.

You can pick things up. Community service in bear hell. Community service in bear hell. Yeah, man. Take some pride in bear hell. Come on. Is bear hell like- You live here now.

If you ask one more fucking question about bear hell, Caldwell. We need some bear- It's fucking hell but for bears. We need some bear- Where the fuck- What is- Where does Smokey the Bear fit into this? He's got the stuff.

He is a good bear. He does not go to hell. What do you mean? Is he preaching against bear hell? Oh my god, he backhanded him. He's fucking a lie. He's a good bear he does not go to hell where have you be preaching against all the goddies backhanded he's fucking alive he's alive what do you mean why not bringing up bear hell what do you mean where I feel like you're preaching about he's not fucking billboards and shit he's not hell he's talking about far as far as he's not talking about bear hell why the fuck would he talk about bear hell I don't want to go there so then don't be a bear Probably we got to get to the bottom

What do you need to get to the bottom of whether every single person on earth is religious or not? I'll be the bear himself is not religious. I can't have a macro Not doing this today not on thirsty turds down. Not on Tirsty Thursday. Yeah, seriously. You cannot spell turtles without trust. I'm so sorry. Get in the shell with me, man. Let's work this out. I swear to God, if he has one more question about bear hell.

Go on. I can't make that promise. Okay, we've got another case. I have a question about bear hell. What? It's just hell for bears. Go on. How many circles are there?

Fucking, what are there in the original one nine? Thank you. Yeah Bear treachery bear lost sustained Bear limbo is the first I have one more question. So sorry god damn it. It's just hell for bears Are the layers bear Dante went to bear hell Are the other layers shaped like a beehive? No, okay? It's a well. Yeah kind of I mean if you think about It's like the Olympics instead of like yeah Yes, the circles going down. It's like a fucking on equal. Yeah, go on. Yeah, I can't you got a lot of spit on my computer

I can't read it. Jake, Jake, I beg of you, stand down. You don't want him in this moment. You don't, you. I just can't think out of any of the words. You don't want this smoke? You do not want to go to Bear Hill. Blando M writes, may it please the legendary

and immortal justices as well as the bailiff who will die alone and forgotten. Jesus. But he won't go to bear hell cause he's not a bear. It's not that hard to understand. Go on. They do write just a prediction, not a threat. I think I'm getting it now.

Thank you for that. I rolled up a bard for a dungeon crawly game with some people I'd met online. Your first mistake. After a little role play, the DM narrated us, ominously descending into the pitch black dungeon on a rickety rope elevator. You're in the Playboy Mansion?

Playboy Mansion? Dungeon? Play Bear Mansion? Play Bear. On Tersey Thursday of holidays. To keep everyone's spirit up, my bard played a little tune on his lute as we descended. There was a short silence on the DM's side after this, but he said, all right, and we continued.

On reaching the bottom of the elevator shaft, we were immediately ambushed by a bunch of Kobolds. As we fought, I decided to cast Thunderwave, catching most of the Kobolds and dealing a bunch of damage. There was silence on the DM side again, but we continued until the next round where a couple of goblins entered the fight and the DM made a point of saying they'd been drawn by the noise.

I asked if the DM had rolled the original ambush because of the noise as well. And he said, yeah, any noise we made would roll for new encounters. drawn by the noise. I asked if the DM had rolled the original ambush because of the noise as well. And he said, yeah, any noise we made would roll for new encounters. Oh. I was a bard. Literally everything I did made noise.

We dragged our way through the three and a half hour combat without ever once leaving the first room of the dungeon. Oh. Oh my God. I only understood. Okay. That sucks, cause like you don't even get to the grotto. You don't even get to the grotto.

Yeah. We're still like, there's a party. There's a party don't even get to the pool. There are bears and bunnies in there. There's an open bar like feet away. And a turtle Hugh Hefner. And a shark is there and you really want to meet sharks. So many of the survivor contestants are there. There's a good media room too. It doesn't really have anything to do. It's not sexy, but it's just like,

there's like an extensive DVD collection. Incredible stuff. And they have Hulu. Yeah. We decided we were too injured to continue and we would just have anything to do. It's not sexy, but it's just like, there's like an extensive DVD collection. Incredible stuff. And they have Hulu. Yeah. We decided we were too injured to continue and we would just have to turn back. But one player wanted to scratch a warning on the secret door that the ambushes had come out of.

Silence from the DM, more cobalts. Really? From a scratch? From a scratch. In the six hour session, half of the party died and we never played together again. Cool. I asked the DM.

Awesome job DM. I asked the DM why he didn't warn me that making a bard would make me completely useless in the dungeon. And he said that he didn't want to spoil the noise mechanic. Just as- The noise mechanic? Was it wrong?

As if it was something that he specifically was like, okay, what's gonna make my DMing different? The noise mechanic. You have to understand this guy Kyle set my imagination on fire. Yeah. Ever since then I've been ablaze. Yeah, go on, go on.

Wasn't wrong to have any noise we make bring new foes on us without warning or was this a buttoned up mechanic that just wrecked some dumb players I throw myself at the mercy of the world. The only, the only way I could see like a DM whomping you was a little bit at the beginning. If you're like, I play a song as I descend the elevator. It's like, okay, well now the bad guys

are waiting for you at the bottom. That's fine. Yeah, I think that's the only one. Yeah, that's the only time where they could have got you. After that, if you've built your entire dungeon on if there is any noise, more guys will come. Fighting makes noise. Like, there's just never ending dudes forever.

Like where you're trying to do a quiet place. Is that right? Yeah. That's interesting. There's a difference between like playing a tune on a lute and scratching something into a door. Scratches something you'd hear deep underground and not really like send your Cobalt students out.

Also it's just like, yeah, I bashed 10 Cobalt's brains in with a mace. And then when I was done doing that, I scratched something into a door and the scratch sent ripples through the cave. It's like, as soon as you engage with like one, I mean, I guess maybe you could sneak up on like one Cobald and like get them without making any noise.

But as soon as there's like a fight against like troops, it's fucking over if that's your mechanic. So true. I think that this person spent so much time finding cool monster stat blocks that they only had like a paragraph to narrate one room. Yeah. They couldn't think of anything else.

They were like, maybe the grotto, but that's still kind of a work in progress. I think some, yeah, some DMs really play adversarially in a way it's like, I'm actually a lot smarter than you. And I'm gonna wreck you. I'm gonna wreck you for the whole mistakes. I'm a master man and an artist, comma, serious vibes. Maybe they just like suffered from,

maybe they had this like, you know, noise mechanic quote from Eddie. Someone's playing a little tune on the loo, you're kind of like, got him. Maybe that felt so good as a DM, they were like, I'm still chasing them. And they're like, got them again. And now we're down to, I'm scratching, you know,

and you're like, got them. Like you've lost yourself. They're chasing the loot high. Yeah, they're chasing the loot high. They're not gonna find it. L-O-T-E, not L-O-O-T. Exactly. If it was just a few guys at a time,

and the mechanic was that this is a stealth mission, you have to take them out quietly. But the fact that it's like a few guys at a time, and the mechanic was that this is a stealth mission, you have to take them out quietly, but the fact that it's like a bunch of kobolds come, a bunch of goblins come. Throw some blow darts, let them discover stuff that might help them as they're finding out these new mechanics, or else you just feel stuck. Yeah, if like three guards run forward

after you make all this noise, and then you kill them, and then you're just like, ah, two around the corner run. You're like, okay, we gotta be quiet now. I don't think the acoustics of a dungeon are that good either. Like there's a lot of stone walls, that's muffled. That's deeply muffled. The grotto just projects.

That's the best. I mean, there's running water in that grotto. Yeah, exactly. Also, like, everyone's partying. Like, I don't think everyone's listening to what's happening in the mud. Exactly. The speakers are on.

Right, right, right. Like the bassist pit bull is playing. happening. Exactly. The speakers are on. Right, right. The bass is pumping. Pitbull is playing. Yeah. Old discovered. Mr. Worldwide is there. Yeah. He's a turtle now.

He's a... I do think Mr. Turt-wide, go ahead. You kind of, if you're introducing a new mechanic, you almost had to run your players through a tutorial where they learn as they go. Like Beardsley was just saying, have them discover things that play into the mechanics naturally.

Like if they see that the other guys are using blow darts or something like that, or they've got, you see people that are knocked out because you're like capturing guards so you're free to be quiet. You have to teach players as they go through or else they're just gonna be like, I'm just gonna do the stuff that's on my character sheet. And yeah, especially when you're like,

scratching that door. He has to play it. Yeah. If you're really in love with the noise mechanic, trademarked, then I think that you like have to be like, okay, I introduced it. And now as the bar pitch me ways,

you wanna get around it. Yeah. Do you wanna shove your flute into the dirt so that it like creates like the sound waves but not actually sound or something like that. Yeah, do a deception check so it's like an actual earthquake or something like that. I think like some DMs just need to take

on the table responsibility in a way where you're like, if all my players are hitting a wall, that means I'm- Yes, we are hitting a wall. One or two people are Yes! I mean, I guess we are hitting a wall. One or two people are being jackasses, you might just be getting trolled, and it's just like, cool, yeah, you can keep throwing goblins at that guy. But of course players are talking about turning around

before they've entered the second room. Yeah, exactly, you're like, you're the only one with the ability to be like, now you find the key, and everyone fell asleep- You know what, everyone roll insight checks, and I'll just tell you, you have to be quiet. Right.

Is it possible that they got hit with a cease and desist from Hugh Hefner? Yeah. From Beyond the Grave? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hugh's estate. His estate.

From Bear Hell. Yeah. Hugh doesn't go to Bear Hell, dude. He goes to regular hell. Only bears go to, only bears go to Bear Hell. Would he get invited there? I just, dude, you have to stop. You have to stop.

Is that a guest of honor? Hugh Hefbear would go to Bear Hell. Okay., dude, you have to stop. You have to stop. As like a guest of honor? Hugh Hefbeer would go to Bear Hill. Okay. Thank you, Beardsley. Hugh Hefbeer is alive though. Okay. We are against... The bear is 34.

We are against the DM here, of course. Yeah. The DM, what does the DM need to do? It sounds like they already lost their whole table. Also run a proper dungeon crawl of the Playboy Mansion. Where you can make noise because everybody's partying. And Pipple is there. And Pipple is there.

Mr. Turtwide is playing live. And Turtle from Entourage is there. Oh, yay! That actually adds up. The way that I chose Franklin the Turtle over Turtle from Entourage reference, it was bad. I just thought I would leave some meat on the bone. But I went off the turtle over a turtle from Entourage reference. It was bad. I just thought I would leave some meat on the bone.

I went off the bone. Be honest, God bless you, they're both deeply dated. Yeah. When I reached back to the pie thing, it was really, really, really, really, really, yeah, turtle would be. Turtle absolutely went to the Playboy Mansion. Or whatever the version of that was.

Yeah, yeah. Both the character and the actor. And the actor. You have to believe it. We sentence you to play Turtle Gear Solid where you're infiltrating the Playboy Nation. Turtle Gear Solid! Okay. So tortered. And with that, shall we step into church so we can save our souls from going to Bear Hell? Wait, is this Bear Church? Guys, we don't have to save ourselves from Bear Church for Bear Hell because we're not...

I pray to Bear Church. We can't go to Bear Church. God damn it. Just can't go to Bear Church. Let's go to Bear Church. Our Bear Father who art in Bear Hell. All right. Well now, all right.

Yeah, that's true. Honey, be thy name. If you really... I guess a human could go to Bear Hell if they converted to Bear religion. Okay. Yeah. And again, commit all the sins. I don't know. Yeah. All right. compare all the sins. I don't know.

Yeah. All right, so let's do this in Bear Church. DJ Maddie Lil Critz writes, Dear deacons of the Dice Domain, I beseech a blessing for blasphemy. I have betrayed. Roar. Roar.

I've been- Roar. We're all bears, right. I'm not. I've been running a game. Murph, are you all right? No. I've been running a game for a few months

for friends and some newbies. Among these players is my favorite person, Carly, I've been running a game. Murph, are you all right? No. I've been running a game for a few months for friends and some newbies. Among these players is my favorite person, Carly, who has been in every game I've ever run and is my emotional rock. Carly and Kyle, two solid players. Some of the players have had attendance difficulties and prefer combat to role play. So I started a second side game with the sci-fi setting that is episodic and doesn't need full attendance. The problem is Dice Christ cursed Carly. Their new level eight Puss in Boots barred with commoner stats.

She rolled only a 12 charisma and less than a 10 average in everything else. I have begged her to reroll, but in true Axford fashion, she has insisted that it's funny. In true Murph fashion, she has insisted that it's funny. In true Murph fashion, I disagree. I want my players to be cool. Since then, she has commented on how hard it is to shoot

and how few heartaches she has. Yeah, it does. I am so affectionate. God bless, God bless. I mean, bear bless. Bear bless. Yeah, that's true. This is a good lesson though.

It's only funny to occasionally fail persuasion checks. It's only funny to like occasionally fail persuasion checks. It's not funny to like look at your character. She'd be like, okay, I can't give anyone bardic inspiration. I'll sit here. Oh shit, I have a minus one to medicine check. Yeah. Okay. The person dies.

But she continues to deny rolling new stats. Wow. My plan now is to give her a full sailor suit ensemble to give bonuses for max charisma So far she loved the plus two hat of cuteness, which I see as implicit permission Yeah, I do not care for the whims of dice deities but implore the two crews advice Is it okay to leave items with the knowledge that if she doesn't want the stats she can just not use the items from? Helpful DM. I think you can definitely do that. I mean, be aware that another player

could come in and take them. Oh, that's true. Well, I assume it is. It's a sailor suit for a little cat. So I do think it's cat size. Yeah. Unless it's a dollar bill. Oh yeah, make it all specifically cat size.

Can I pour Barrier squeeze into it? I mean, like it's a sailor suit, but it's a cat in a hat. So like you're kind of mixing your stories a little bit. It's also a puss in boots. So like, this is a hat on a hat and a hat. So like that's my umbrage. Hat on a cat.

Oh, a hat on a cat. Hat on a hat. On a hat, which makes it good. Actually, yeah. A hat on a hot hat roof. Oh, that was awesome. Thank you. I was wondering where you're going with it.

You were sending it to Bear Heavy. You landed it. I was too, actually. No, no way. I think that Ursus crisis blessed you and you are on the right path. I think it honestly sounds like you guys have a really fun table. Yeah, for sure are not going to bear hell because you are humans and also cats who don't go to bear hell. Bad bears go to bear hell.

Yeah, I would just the only warning I would give is that anything that you give to Carly that they don't take, someone else might take. Yeah. Just be wary. And if Carly, if you're listening, that's really funny. Just start giving them all away. Don't tell little big Chris that we said that.

A Goliath wearing a tiny cat-sized hat, that's fucking really funny. Yeah. That's really funny. That is true. a hat doesn't have a specific size. Right, you can wear a tiny hat. A chin strap can get any hat on you. As someone with a huge forehead, I can tell you, you can't wear any hat.

No, no, no, but a chin strap. A chin strap can get the tiniest hat on you. No, it'll hurt. It'll hurt. It'll hurt. Hey, if you had a big head, you'd know. It gives you a headache when you wear a little hat, okay? I wear big hats, okay?

Okay, so that's for little Chris. If somebody steals Carly's hat, you say, you got a headache. Oh yeah, that's how you dance to go. Because it fucking hurts. You're now rolling disadvantage because of your migraine. Because of your migraine from the little hat. Yeah, and it's daytime, so it's disadvantaged

because you have a light sensitivity. This is funned up, you're all good. It's really smart. In fact sounds and smells are hard right now too. Great work. Triple disadvantage. So forgiven. So forgiven.

Thank you Ally Beardsley for joining us. Thank you. This has been great. We're gonna be doing something fun over on the Patreon. Ally's gonna be joining us for surprise rounds. We're gonna be doing some classic surprise rounds to get Ally Beardsley's reaction to them. And then we're also, I got a few new ones.

Whoa! That's a surprise to me. That is a surprise. So head on over to patreon.com slash nadpah, that's N-E-D-D-P-O-D, don't sing yet. Wee! Don't listen to that, don't sing yet, don't sing yet. The pandas go to bear hell, what about pandas?

What? Of course pandas go to bear hell, they're bad. What about red pandas, what about red pandas? Yes, they're fucking bears tonight. They're not technically bears. What are you course pandas go to bear hell. What about red pandas? What about red pandas? Yes, they're fucking bears. They're not technically bears. What are you not getting? I don't know what you're not getting. He just tried to, he just tried to gotcha.

He sure did. He just tried to gotcha. He sure did. I'm sorry. I've strayed. I'm not taking the bait. I'm not taking the bait. Should I say some hell berries?

No, because you're not a goddamn bear. God damn it. Anyway, Ali, do you have anything you'd like to plug? No, we've got our D20 tours coming up. Very excited about that. I guess I'll say this and then cut it if we have to, but I will be at Magic Con in Chicago in February. Very excited about that.

Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And I want to go also. I just want to see if my schedule will work out. But I will be going in the way that Beardsley's going. Beardsley's gonna do a show. I keep trying to convince Emily to co-play a deck with me. Which would be my dream.

You'd be so sick, two Mothmans. So be on the lookout for that. You can follow us on social media there, we may or may not use, at C's First Me, at CaldysCalledBall, at AXE-Trad's Emily, at Jake Hurwitz's Jake, and Beardsley, what are your socials? At Ali Beardsley. And at Ali Beardsley is Ali Beardsley,

and you can talk about the show using hashtag NADPOD, that's N-E-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. Oh, you forgot about that, didn't you? Wow. Wow. Got him. Dungeon, that, didn't you? Wow. Got him.

Dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn, dun-jinn. It's the end of the show and you know what that means? Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d Jeff C. Daniel G. Danielle the dastardly dame. Carpe Liam. Victor T. Balnor's boy. Hwade's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster.

TJM. Trela the cray-fay. Christopher B. Daniel R. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobalt. Targot. Stevie Wags. Hellish Rebuke Cobalt. Targot. Stevie Wags.

Hellish Rebukeer PhD. Princess Yar. Jory Strack. Rachel from Animorphs. Jack L. Nicholas C. Star of every film ever made in Bohemia. Mike H. Alka Smeltzer Plus.

Great Value Jemma. Tyler F. Heradrian. Carburet Chapel Hill FPV. plus great value Jamaa Tyler F heredrian carbro chapel hill fpv rex thaniel the fight cc lulu old cop stonkle older burn erkyo proro so habit folk detective timmy r raco calder comes cold shout out to the cold companions, frosty facial. Taylor B, maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way. Cash, Strong, Grinch.

Steven A, B, C. Mike K, Nick W, William W, Big Bad Beer of the Mad. Eric McD. Ananarama. Percival Frederick Stein von Musel-Glaszowski de Rolo III. J. Dragonborn. Guardian of the Vibe. Honoring the Cock.

Jocelyn M. Ben A. Dave H. Dustin S. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce, Bookvars assistant Izzy F, Big Bad John, DPC is awesome, hashtag honor the cock,

shown the shade treatment, canic of Zell-Boldar, Summer Rose Grand-Tare, Mark the Dark Lord's taint, Katzie, Misa of House Inzunza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena and Valesiraptor, Bee Perky always! Pat Al, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serv 16, Annie the Feywild Therapist,

Connor S, Celille, Biocort 7, Amber Dextrousrous Bean Rat was innocent Trapop Dropper Jack H. King of the Mole People under Iron Deep Dressed in Blue and Fighting His Way Through a Bracket Style Tournament Vaylin Paj The Bitchin' Bunny Bard Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug Boy, hashtag honor the cock, James G, Everything Bagel,

the Aladdin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Han, Eric B, Marcos, Learns the Balance Druid, Freda M,

Maggie, Holly the Green Laughing Hyena, Akash the car, Cal knows you're listening, Ricarda, comma, wink, ooh! Erin Begwellen, Russell H., a monk named Dilgo, Cody C., Lorelai the succubi and Kira the succulent snack. McKenna Stout, your friendly neighborhood yont and yonkle, Andrew and Sid. John A didn't win the vote but won your heart. Meg the male carrier of Bohemia. James F. Austin S. Wayfarer now has to do something

with the trolls, get rid of them, turn to page 42, keep them, turn to page 42. Keep them, turn to page 69. Shane C. Barpo, good barrel, bird-barrian. Welsh Linder, Garrett G. One Big Curd, Renee, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard, and Jared, the soap opera cleric who are playing stick it to the man down with the monarchy

Winterslade Fico, Garrett the artificer, Damon son of that one merchant named John Anthony the raddest of dudes, Jay the fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo Cantrip Dumbledore the bear onesie wearing barbarian. Lexi loves the two crew. Roger L. NoDrogge, the pest-offest barbarian. Geno T. John Luca.

Tristan, the talentless honk. Leon K., legendary hero of Bohemia from a future campaign. Shenanigans O'Connor. Mios the Great. Joshua S. Alexander. Linz W. Johnny Dude K.

Pavu Eskenar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile. Tim M. MLG Cheeto. Shell B. Kenna's first favorite sprite girl blown away by the MSG show, Staten Island Facts and Stone Cold Stunners, y'all should be proud.

Thank you, thank you so much for coming. Jackson R, Snailus who's infecting Worcester from within, I'll never learn to say that word. Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard, Meemaw Sky Days, Megan N, Anthony B, Savannah H, Balnor's best friend Steve, Stephanie of House in Zunza,

Benjamin A, Gimli the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend, Mikkel A, Josh Hole, a pilot of the Nightmare Reverse flight. Froakie, the two crew blew through. Jennery, Ethan the mailman, Maple the shy bookworm, Ashesaurus, Seth E., Billy Batson, Tori the tungsten dragoose, Michael Lilesprow the second, Carl B., plumber of the realm, Dex Rittlewell, Hannah A Raw, Ace Dregs High Lord of Critsburg, Darius Davis the guy from That One Thing, Troy's Mom, Vin Diagram, GKCTE, Catamelius the Consumed, Bardiff Holding, Clinton P., Grinchful Cam,

the Grinch Frog Man, Dean, Jake W., Hi Mom, Tuesday Krause, the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, not the porn star, Steve Law, Tyler M., Alex G., Zibba the Bakery, Nicole, Katerina C, Lady Jacqueline P of Castle Whitestone, Greg W. wants the D20 truck nuts Jake thought of, okay. Baruk Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide,

and finally, Chupac Aubrey thank you all so much for supporting us we love you mwah mwah mwah goodbye sweeties that was a hate gum podcast