Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Fine Burgers, Friendship Faction and The Tome of Puberty

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, as well as the Baby Butthead Bailiff Jake as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Axford Tanner and of course the lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly. Lowly. Lowly. Lowly. Yeah. What's happening? Bail of Cheek or Wits. I don't know. It's a bit, we're just going with it. Just some casual lowlies this time.

It sounded like moaning. Yeah, there's nothing casual about the way I moaned saying that intro, all right? It was a casual bit. We're gonna gloss right over it. Hear ye, hear ye. Crit is now in session. The honorable Supreme Crit justices,

Axford, Monfee, and Tanner resided. Yes, Monfee! Hate it, hate it. You hit the O, you hit the O in the lowly man. Yeah, dude. Okay, our first case comes from Connor. Connor writes, to the esteemed justices, firstly, there was a man outside the courtroom

asserting he was a bailiff, but I could tell from his stature and general attitude that he held no authority. Oh, please ignore him. We'll look into that, don't worry. Definitely ignore him, we've had complaints before. All right, thank you. Okay, Connor writes, I've started using music

when DMing to help set the atmosphere and to add to the mood of certain scenes. You're doing it right. They are mostly unintrusive ambient tunes, but during combat, I have a thumping synth heavy song to bring some more oomph. Cool. Recently in a fight, one of my players was downed.

The moment was tense and after failing his first death saving throw, my player got upset and angrily asked me to quote, turn off this shit. Oh, that's so funny. I love this. You do have to, if you're going to DJ, you do kind of have to active DJ. You kind of can't just leave it on.

The other players agreed saying an 80s synth soundtrack didn't always fit the fantasy aesthetic. Okay. The player managed to get back up after a few rounds and the session continued as normal. After the fight, the players were laughing at how mismatched the vibe was of the player going down to, quote, an annoying and arrogant song. Annoying and arrogant?

What is an arrogant song? You like a Van Halen song? Talk about how awesome you are? I kind of want to know about this encounter because something tells me that there were emotions about how this guy went down to begin with. Maybe the DM commissioned an 80s song that's like, my DM is awesome.

Well, actually that's where this question goes. Yeah. Oh, okay. Judges, it is my own music that I'm playing at the table. Oh. I don't know how to proceed from here. Do I tell them in hopes for some honest feedback on my music or do I keep quiet

and avoid an awkward conversation? Okay, okay. I think you definitely don't tell them. You don't need to tell them, yeah. Wait, but if they called it arrogant, then that isn't that why. They called the song arrogant. I don't know why this song would be arrogant.

I think you should be confident in your music, but I guess it's their choice that it's arrogant. I'm a little differently than that. I understand why everyone's a little emotionally charged in this situation. Cause you have a million things on your mind right now. Right. Like you might be filtering out,

you as the DM might be filtering out the music in a way that they're not. So it's okay for them to notice it more than you and for you to be like, whoops, okay, yeah, I'll change it. And also it's okay for like, if you weren't noticing it and everyone else has a laugh about how it mismatched, that's not saying that your music is bad. That's just everyone having a laugh at that situation.

I do think you should pepper in other songs. Sure, unless they find out that it's all your music and retroactively feel bad. Unfortunately, if you are going to play music during combat and stuff, much like our show is scored, right? And if there's a moment that's like kind of a silly chase or something, you might put in like a kind of wacky theme

or something like that. But then if during that chase, someone gets hit by a boulder and fails like two death saves. We cut that music. We cut that music. We changed that music. It becomes choir music. It becomes something kind of like spooky

or something like that. Yeah. Or sad, or there's like piano kind of music. Right, right, right. So there's that mixed with the fact that I do understand why you think that like a thumping kind of like techno song would work for a battle. And it does to a certain extent but there also is an argument that maybe you should just put on a playlist that's more like orchestral

or something like that that might feel more you know epic or like in vibe with with what you guys are doing. Even like silence can get you further like if you just kind of like fade out yeah just hit pause when somebody goes down. Yeah, I think it's easy as hitting pause. And also I don't think you need to overthink it. Like if your players are like, hey, can you turn off? Obviously they said turn off that shit. So it was already, but that, you know, the generous read is that they're in like

this really intense moment. Yeah. Yeah. And so they're acting emotionally. I don't think that your music has actually been shitted on. I don't, yeah. It has nothing to do with your music. I don't think so either. It has nothing to do with your music. Because I write music for our podcast and there are times when I write a cue and I hear it in

and I'm like, this sounds terrible. And then we cut it. So it's like, it's not necessarily that, oh, the song's terrible. Sometimes it just mismatches. And honestly, I could laugh at it sometimes. We all know that Skrillex rocks, right? But if you were just blasting Skrillex during a death scene, you'd be like, turn the shit off. What's everyone's favorite Skrillex rocks, right? But if you were just blasting Skrillex during a death scene,

you'd be like, turn the shit off. Yeah. What's everyone's favorite Skrillex song? The one from the Tron sequel, for sure. I like when he shows up in Tron. I also, he's got a great song, I believe on the Wreck-It Ralph soundtrack. So that one, I think it's called Bug Hunt.

Don't ask me why I know this song. I know Bangarang. How does Bangarang go? Bangarang. How does itarang go? Bangarang. How does it go? Yeah, that's how it goes. They say Bangarang. A very quiet, gentle baby comes in.

They do, they do a little Bangarang and then the bass drops, as the kids say, 15 years ago. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, I think it's like, you don't have to take it personal. It's like a heightened moment. You don't have to tell them, I think it's like, you don't have to take it personal. It's like a heightened moment. You don't have to tell them, hey, it's my music and then have them grapple with the fact

that maybe did they accidentally. And so I also don't even think that they were talking about your music. Yeah, when we played Elderborn, it was over the pandemic. And so we were all at our own computers and I would play music to kind of get us in the mood for each scene since we weren't all in the room together.

And I literally had playlists that were like, sad moment, scary moment, battle music. And then there was that eight minute track of you freestyling. And then there would be, every once in a while, I would just hit him with the freestyle, but I would know to cut it as soon as someone was down. It was so confusing.

The freestyling was for the good times. Really difficult to improvise while in your ear Murphy's freestyling about his hat. Roll the dice, pay the price, can't believe I'm cool as ice. Yeah. It was that as we were like, you know. Yeah, it was the way sort of Nilla Ice did the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 soundtrack.

I did one for Elder Moon. It ended up being tight. It ended up being tight. For time. This has nothing to do with your music. Make playlists based on different situations. And I would argue if you got into a more orchestral thing, even an epic sounding orchestral song, you could honestly probably just put

the Lord of the Rings track on shuffle. And besides concerning hobbits, you're probably fine with someone dying to that song. I also think if you've been playing like the same battle music for every single battle, I don't know that that's what you're doing, but if you're doing that, it's fun to, you know, if you're trying to only play your music,

then you're going to run out quick. Sure. If you like introduce other songs and then there'll just be more variety. And then maybe it will be other people's music that your friends died. Yeah. Is Concerning Hobbits the one that goes like, doodaloo, doodaloo, doodaloo, doodaloo? Yeah, it is.

I think it is. That's when Gandalf was talking about Hobbits. I thought it was like, ba-da-da, ba-da-da-da. No, wait, I forgot it. I don't... Doodaloo, doodaloo, doodaloo, doodaloo. It's definitely not that. Doodaloo. It's not what I was doing. It's not that? I don't... Doodaloo. Doodaloo. It's definitely not that. Doodaloo.

It's not what I was doing. It's not that? Doodaloo. I don't, here I'll play it real quick. Okay. We're gonna burn the hobbits. We played just enough that we won't get into trouble. I think we can play a few seconds.

Just a few seconds. All right, hang on. We're allowed to play a few seconds, especially if we comment on it, which we are. Oh, we are? Yes, we know. Yes, wait, he wasn't doing it right. Da da da da da da. Da da da da da are. Yeah, okay. Oh, we are? Yes, we know! Wait, he wasn't doing it right. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.

Oh, okay. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Okay, actually, I should have known this because when I was in high school, I tried to learn the flute, but I couldn't play with the band at high school, so I played with an adult. Come on.

Emily, what was your childhood? You're not, what? Did you say, did you? I played with the band at high school, so I played with like an adult. Come on. Emily, what was your childhood? You're not allowed to show it. Did you say, did you just play the flute with adults? Did you say adults plural or just one adult? Yeah, it was like an adult community orchestra. Why though? Why couldn't you just play with the band?

I don't remember. Why couldn't you play with the band? Because the band wouldn't want to play Concerning Hobbit. Because I was a junior in high school, I think, or maybe even a senior. So it's too late. So you're too late to join the band. Too late.

But you're never too late to join a good old community orchestra. Yeah, okay, and you joined the community orchestra. And I think we played that song. You played Concerning Hobbit. Yeah. And I will- I don. And I think we played that song. You played concerning hobbits. Yeah. And I will- I don't think that we ever did a concert. Because it was more about community.

Right. Yeah. Much like, you know, the Hobbit and Shire. Yeah. It's more about community. And I will say that listening to concerning hobbits, you actually could die to concerning hobbits. So I take it back. I think, yeah, it's very funny hearing that title because it's like, I get that it's saying like, oh, concerning the nature of hobbits.

But when I hear it at first, I'm like concerning hobbits. You mean like Smeagol? Yeah. Yeah. Or I thought like causing them consternation, causing them concern. All right. What are we going to do about this billable character? All right.

We've lost the plot. Unfortunately. Actually, you know what? I have one last thing I want to say. I feel like, you know what? I feel like these players being a little rude. Your DMs juggling a lot. I know that their music choices weren't perfect for sure just to say can you turn that shit off? Yeah? Yeah, I think so, too I don't like that. I think they're being rude, but like I sorry that I respect my fucking DM too much

You guys would absolutely I think that you as the DM don't need to take it personally. I think they were stressed about their character Yeah, yeah, yeah. But who do you punish there? Because Coldwell's kinda right. It's an aggressive thing to say. It's an aggressive thing to say if we read it as it is. If you're with your friends all joking around

and you're like, can we turn this shit off? What is this? No, but then they said arrogant. They said an arrogant song. If they said it really sad, it's like, can you turn this shit off? Like maybe it was like that. Then you'd be okay with them. I think if the tone was joking, then I said it really sad, it's like, can you turn this shit off? Like maybe it wasn't that bad. Then you go for them.

I think if the tone was joking, then I think we're okay with it. But like the tone seems more mocking than joking. Well, I think no matter what, when we were originally talking about this, I forgot we had to punish someone. So I was just like really trying to like put this person at ease and I don't want them to walk into their crew with a chip on their shoulder because I think that it was like, I think it was more just stressed about going down. But if we have to punish someone,

I will punish the players for being a little, calling this song arrogant. Yeah, that feels like a turning point. I still don't understand the arrogant thing. I'm confused cause they don't know that it's your song. So I don't know what that is. It makes me want to hear the song. What do you guys think that an arrogant thumping bass sounds like?

Are they just using the wrong word and does it sound like a proud, powerful song or something like that? Yeah, I think it's gotta be. Right, I think that's it. Like, we built this city, that type of thing. Yeah, or like Katy Perry's roar or something like that. Might as well jump right.

Hey, that's confidence, not arrogance, okay? Oh, when a woman's gone, it's arrogant. But we built this city on rock and roll. It's fine. It's fine. That's definitely arrogant. That city's gonna fall apart. You can't make cities out of music.

Yeah, I don't, yeah. I don't know what to make of that comment, but I do think it is a, I don't know about the way they called it out, and I can't really read tone, because we say fuck you all the time. I think they're fully within their right to like laugh at the mismatched. I think that's like a completely. Yeah. But you know, they dig a little snippy understandably.

So maybe maybe I think I saw what punishing the players. This is not rude court. This is not deciding who is rude and who is not rude. This is D&D court. And I do think having like thumping bass and inappropriate music during serious moments is like not something I particularly would do. Yeah, I don't understand why this hurt your feelings. You're right. I do think it was rude. I do think it sucks that it was your song and then people were mean to you, but they don't know that it's your song.

So they're kind of just like, hey, why are we playing this music right now? But also, it's a little weird that you didn't just tell people up front that it's your music. So they're kind of just like, hey, why are we playing this music right now? But also it's a little weird that you didn't just tell people up front that it's your music. I would like, if we were playing D&D and Emily was like, hey, I made a song for this moment. I would love to hear it. I would love to know that before we went into it. Well, I actually side with them not telling

because it almost puts emphasis on like, enjoy what I did. It like puts the emphasis on you. And I feel like when you're DMing, it's really emphasis on you. And I feel like when you're DMing, it's really not about you. If they had said this knowing that it was the DM's music, then I blame the players. But since they didn't know, I think there was actually not much of an insult

to the music itself. The DJing is what created the friction. And you're responsible for the DJing. I fault you for the DJ, not for the music. Totally, this has nothing, we can completely just take out the fact that the DM wrote the music here. That has nothing to do with anything that happened.

Doesn't matter how arrogant it was. Precisely. The arrogant line I still don't fucking get. I still don't know. We gotta toss it out. That also is getting tossed. Jaygenriff have convinced me, I think that because you have chosen

to take on the mantle of DJ, in addition to DM, it is kind of your responsibility to be aware of it and you can't take it personally if people ask for a change in music. So I think you need to hire an adult orchestra and one junior in high school to come over to your house and play concerning hobbits during all of your sessions. Also when I went to college, I brought my flute thinking I would have time to learn flute there.

And join a different adult orchestra. But all I did was I learned music from Final Fantasy in my dorm room. I was really good at Kefka's theme. That's sick as hell. You have to bust that out. Hell yeah, yeah, of course. In my dorm room, I was really good at Kefka's theme. That's sick as hell. You have to bust that out. So yeah, actually me playing Kefka's theme could really. Okay, so Emily's gonna go to your game and play Kefka's theme.

God, what a blessing. Well, that's a punishment because she hasn't practiced in 20 years. Yeah. And she doesn't have her group of 40 year olds being playing. Exactly. She's gonna be the only 40 year old there. Gonna get the band back together. I'm band back together. Are they still around? Hey, Jerry, I know it's been a

minute. Hey guys. I was the 14 year old in your band. Do you remember me? I was the girl who didn't talk to any of you because there was such an awkward age gap. Put on your best jeans and get over here. All right, Emily's gonna play Kevka's theme at your next game. Arguably a punishment. Yeah, it's definitely a punishment. Keep making your music. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's got nothing to do with it. Your friends were definitely a little rude, provided, I guess, depending on the context of how they said it and if you have a rousing relationship or not. You're allowed to be here. You're good about your music, I'll say that. Sure. Sure.

For sure. Godspeed. So ordered, and our next case comes from Humanoid Doudon. Humanoid writes, to the esteemed justices and the you figure it out yourself bailiff. Wait, I wanna unpack this. Does this mean that you're like a DIY kind of guy or does this mean you guys figure out a bad name?

Yeah, I think this was like, I care so little about Jake that I can't even be bothered to describe him. Okay, thank you for unpacking it. What a delightful treat inside. These are the kind of submissions that we want. Yeah. I bring to you the case of the rerolled stats. Oh, okay.

I've been playing D&D at a local game store for the past year. When creating characters for the third campaign, my DM gave us the option to roll for stats in place by using a single d20 and one reroll for our lowest stat. This led to hilarious results like a 20 constitution and a five decks. However, as we were taking turns, someone rolled three strength, six decks and four constitution. Oh, that's unusable. My DM immediately allowed them to reroll all of them

and even started rolling for them. So it was Murph. It was Murph at the table. Yeah. No one said anything. And I understand with stats that low, it would be impossible to succeed in certain checks. But the whole point of rolling with the D20

was that the highs were higher and the lows were lower. Also, my DM hates powerful characters to the point of banning subclasses because they were too overpowered. Example, Divination Wizard and College of Eloquence Bard. Red flags, red flags everywhere. Which confuses me why he allowed the rerolls. However, I have been having fun

and my DM's leniency has allowed me to start as a 20 charisma paladin. Whoa. Judges, should I say something the next time we create characters or let him continue being a forgiving DM? This is really tough, right? Yeah.

That would be so unfun to play. I don't understand. The three, four, five. Yeah, I think this is an idea that, I mean, it sounds like they're having fun at their table, so far be it from me to criticize it, but it is kind of my job, so I will criticize it. It sounds fun in theory, right?

To be like, it'll be nuts, like somebody will have four decks and 20 con and then two intelligence and 20 decks. But it's basically, it's fun for character creation and then almost never again. And then you just fail roles. Yeah. I wonder if you just did, if you did like sort of,

so I feel like I've moved away from even rolling for stats just because I feel like there's just some, you play with some people and their stats are just always beefed out. Yeah. And you're always like, I straight up don't even trust you. Yeah. You're talking about Jake, right? like, I straight up don't even trust you. You know? You're talking about Jake, right?

No, I actually wasn't. I wasn't. But like, I've, so I feel like I've like even kind of like a little bit moved away from that in general, but like, I think your DM did the right thing to even it out. However, I wonder if there's like a version where it's like, you guys have three given stats,

and then you have two fun ones that you roll for. So worst case scenario, you have two bad ones. It feels bad, but. One silly stat. I'm really curious though about this idea of a silly stat. Because it's not actually fun, because the fun of D&D is gambling. So a funny moment is when like,

let's say you have average decks, let's say you have 10 and then rolling a one and you fall flat on your face. That's funny. And then if you roll a nat 20, then you pass the decks save and then that's epic. And that's fun. If you have a, you know, a decks of minus four, then you just fail every single roll. And it doesn't make a difference if you get a one or a 20. Can I suggest a counterpoint to why it could be fun?

Again, we are just considering this real time. I don't know, I would have to think about it more. But one reason it could be fun is that you basically have one bad stat. I always love having one bad stat because all it does is it, it's the one thing that your character is really bad Yeah, you know, and so there's like one subject of abilities that you're like, it's your flaw. It's it informs your character Yeah, I definitely yeah

I will yeah I will say as a counterpoint to my previous point Ali Beardsley in fantasy high does have four total decks Character and it is so fucking or total decks with your character. And it is so fucking funny. That is funny, so that does go against you. I do like the silly stuff, but then it's like, how do you actually get the feeling of one that could go high, one that could go low?

Maybe the better thing is to just, everyone has one shit stat. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And doesn't everyone almost already have a dump stat? That's what they're- Yeah, but I mean, like, super dumb. I think that, like, super dumb. Yeah, all the stats like super dump. I think that. Yeah, maybe you roll.

Yeah, all the stats are average and then you roll one stat with advantage and one stat with disadvantage. Should we do a super, a super dump for our next campaign? Yeah, super dump for our next campaign. I love it. I'm gonna roll right now. I'm gonna see if my advantage

and disadvantage things works. Okay, so advantage, I'm gonna be a fighter and this is my strength. My strength is not 20, hell yeah. Really good. And then my intelligence, let's see how much of a dumbass I'm gonna be a fighter, and this is my strength. My strength is not 20, hell yeah. Really good. And then my intelligence, let's see how much of a dumbass I'm gonna be. I'm gonna do disadvantage.

A one. That's fun. That's really fun. That was fucking poetic. That is so poetic. So actually, Dice Christ have just blessed this idea. Dice Christ loves this idea. But you could even though just do like,

okay, I'm a fighter, I'm leaving Constitution decks andx, and Kahn alone. But my intelligence and wisdom, I roll one with advantage, one with disadvantage. So it's like, okay, I'm gonna be a really smart fighter because I've been fighting a long time. So average rolling advantage? 15, that's not bad.

That's good. More normal, yeah. And then disadvantage for my wisdom. Oh, I got a nat 20 and a 19. Whoa, okay. So that's fun though. Oh, I got a nat 20 and a 19. Whoa, okay. So that's fun. You earned that. Nevermind, I'm actually a really wise fighter.

I think we're converted to this. Yeah, we actually are. One silly stat, one super stat. Like that's really how we get to advantage. So you basically like- Advantage and disadvantage does help the averages a lot and it stops the rolling stuff. This all makes me feel like we can't rule against this DM

because they've started this notion that we really love. But we figured out a better system in like two minutes. So are you ready? I think we have to punish them to finesse their system because they've got a good kernel of an idea, but it's leading to awkward moments at the table. Yeah, I think having to reroll and stuff, it's like, clearly you want some kind of average, right?

Which goes against the idea of just rolling a D20 if you're doing all these rerolls, like that's kind of silly. So you should just be like, what's up? If we're gonna roll all six, do three of them with advantage, three of them with disadvantage, that way you have like,

probably have somewhat of an even spread. And if you have a bad one, then you rolled so terribly, then it's just funny kind of that your character sucks. I mean, kind of funny. Okay, so actually we can punish the DM to use our perfected system. Right.

Which took 30 seconds. Which we don't know, it hasn't been play tested enough. We've done it, play tested it twice. Yeah, we need to do another five minutes on this to make sure it's perfect. Actually, I'd love to do one more. I'll do it real quick. Here's my silly stat.

Okay, that's a natural 19. That's my silly. Wait, did you say it with advantage? That was with advantage. Okay. Here's my silly stat. Okay, that's a natural 19. That's my silly. Wait, with disadvantage? That was with advantage. And here's with this. I rolled two 12s actually. Okay. This is really coming out pretty well.

I'm gonna re-roll Saul's stats right now. Here we go. This is gonna be for his strength. Great. Disadvantage. Shout out to the two crude with disadvantage. Great. Very weak.

Do his decks. Yeah, do decks. And then are you doing advantage for that? Yeah, advantage for decks. Yeah. Okay, great. Very weak. And then they do his decks. Yeah, do decks. And then are you doing advantage for that? Yeah, advantage for decks. Yeah. Okay, 15. Okay, great.

But I still think though, I think it's best if you just take two. If you have a more mechanized system for the stats that matter the most, and then the two that matter the least, then you do one with advantage, one with disadvantage. What you're planning on being your dump stats become your gambling stats.

Yes, yeah. So I think ultimately this kind of turned into a turtle tank thing where we just tried to use this idea to come up with a new idea. The ultimate question was, should I question the fact that my DM let somebody reroll their stats? And I think that this is already a kind of faulty, wacky system.

And I don't think it's gonna be worth it to go to your DM and be like, I don't think Ryan should have gotten to try again. I think he should have sucked. I think if your DM and the player both don't want them to have all terrible stats, just let them fix it. I would suggest though, maybe, you know, having some kind of

median option in there and maybe have some kind of, you know, advantage, disadvantage system. Okay, I'm doing like a roll wiener of a wizard. Okay, and so I'm going to roll their con with advantage because I know that's a little more important. Damn, a 19 and an 18. Okay, 19 gone for my wizard. Wow, you wizard. So we're already broke. We've already shown. Strength and disadvantage. Yeah. Five.

Okay, okay. That's satisfying. That's satisfying. I think that's really fun. And that also just like, that gamble just created a really, like you can picture a wizard with a great constitution. It like helps with your role play almost. It's like, all right, now I'm gonna fill out this backstory.

Like why this wizard. Yeah, this wizard who's made entirely of spell book, his entire, all of his skin is like thick leathery tone. Okay, so we're going to, I don't think this is really a case anymore. Yeah. Well, no, no, no, we're still gonna punish the DM. The DM has to buy everyone some new commander decks

from the game store that they play at. Oh my God, play at. Great. Oh my God, hell yeah. Okay, sure. I want a commander deck too. This is gonna work for our eggs. The advantage, disadvantage. Yeah, maybe they buy me a commander deck.

Right. So we'll give you a ton of eggs and you can use them too. Yeah, we'll give you our eggs. Okay. All right, the next case comes from JS. JS writes, dear most cool and refreshing justices "'and room temperature bailiffs.'" Yeah, you are.

Tepid, so tepid. "'I come to you today with the case of the Tome of Puberty.'" Okay. Okay, all right. I am fearful. Yes, I'm scared, yeah. Is this like a what's happening to my body book, but in D&D?

I debated whether or not I should believe the Tome of Puberty up top or have you guys find out later, but I like it up here. I DM a campaign where one of my players is a very naive tortle cleric. In an early session, the party went up against an assassin who had seduced a noble so she could get him alone and murder him.

The tortle was the one to intercede on the attempt. When he found them, the noble was canoodling with the assassin. The player stopped the assassination the noble was canoodling with the assassin. The player stopped the assassination, but was shocked and confused by the brief and very PG physical intimacy he witnessed, and insisted that he did not understand what was happening. Another player asked him how he had never heard of sex,

and he replied that back home, female turtles simply laid eggs to later be fertilized by the males. I let this slide as I had no desire to verify the accuracy of his assertion. That proved to be a mistake. For the next several sessions, the turtle continued to be befuddled by what he'd witnessed

and brought it up to every NPC he spoke to. I quickly grew tired of having every NPC get cornered into giving his character the talk. And as a work around, had one give him a book called the Tome of Puberty that could explain everything. Unfortunately, my solution became the bane of my campaign. Just reads from the Tome of Puberty all the time. As both the total and the rest of the party

became obsessed with the book. They would find any excuse to read it or use it, frequently asking me to describe the contents of specific pages. Oh, that's so funny though. I, that's just fun. Unfortunately, they got your ass. Yeah, they really did get your ass.

This got old fast. So I had the errant fireball of an evil wizard burn the book into an unrecoverable ash. Hey congratulations dumbass. This DM is very funny and the players are not very funny. Really interesting. Well, I do think it's funny for them to make a DM read it. I just, yeah.

I don't like the turtles game. I don't like this. I think the turtles, what sex? Yeah, I agree. I agree. Because this. I think the turtles- What sex? Yeah, I agree. I agree. Because also, I mean, we all know the turtles have very large penises that they, you know,

fertilize the female. Holy shit, I didn't know that. Don't bring it up, dude, I'm so jealous. I've seen that video, the turtle humping the shoe. Yeah, it comes out. It's weird looking. Oh my God. Okay, continue.

Okay, well this continues. Since destroying the book, the party has become despondent It's weird looking. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. Okay, continue. Okay, well this continues. Since destroying the book, the party has become despondent and they are constantly looking for another copy. Was I wrong to have the book destroyed or was the party wrong for turning my campaign into a high school health class? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Look, I think they weren't entirely wrong for the running bit. Cause I bet. Cause you would have done that. I guarantee you already sound funny. I guarantee that you were reacting in a funny way

whenever they were like, I read the book. And so they were having fun laughing at your reaction to it. You're just on Wikipedia, just being like, all right. I think the total isn't necessarily funny with like the, you know, bringing sex up to every NPC. But as soon as that book gets introduced, I feel like, how can you not expect all of the players to be like, I'm one of these books too.

The Tome of Puberty. And that's the nice thing is that's a funny bit that you brought up. And then it's also as- It's so funny that you- I do understand getting frustrated that your players then turned your funny joke against you and had you use

and then began using it all the time. It is like a pretty easy like Google or whatever. If you can't think of, you know, what the next thing in the book would be. I would take that as a compliment. That was your players being like, you're very funny. I think the only person I would punish in this situation is the tortle.

Yeah. For leaning into something that like, maybe it sounds like not anyone was really that into. So I can see like a million ways for that tortle's arc to go. Like you learn enough about puberty to eventually teach a health class. You become like a phys ed teacher. I don't know.

Like you can. What a weird arc. Yeah, I guess. If that's what you want from D&D. Yeah, sure. Circle of physical education. I think the problem is always like, this is like funny for a session. Yes, if that's what you want from D&D, yeah, sure. But I also- Circle of physical education, I don't know. I think the problem is always like,

this is like funny for a session. Yeah. Yeah. If every single week they show up like wanting more chapters of the book of puberty, then you just, yeah, you become- Well before the book of puberty, because the book of puberty could be really funny at first, then not be that funny when they keep talking about it,

but then become funny again when they keep talking about it. Exactly, I think there's no flaw in that. I think the flaw is just the total. I don't blame the players that much, but I do think the total, I can't imagine that bit being funny outside of the first time. Then after that, just going up to NPCs

and just being like, what's sex? Yes, that's what I was gonna say. I don't understand how after it's explained to you once, you feel like you need to ask someone again. Yeah. Book of puberty, fine to take away. If you want to put another one out there, I think you can literally, you just buy a book of puberty and literally when they ask, and are like, what's that page 200? Literally just whip it out and be like, is this funny to you guys? I'll just read from it. You could also have them like roll a D100 for what page you read. So you don't even have to choose.

Here you go. Your armpits are gonna start to smell. Is that funny to you guys? Are we enjoying this still? But they got rid of, their question was, was it okay to get rid of the Tome of Puberty? Absolutely. Absolutely. And you did it in a very funny way. And you have permission to introduce Shredder

to the campaign. Shredder has the next book of puberty, kills the tortle, and in the ultimate twist of irony, they get the Book of Puberty as the tortle dies. That's kind of cool. So it's like a prepubescent Shredder. Yeah. Whoa. The origin.

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pawpawrocketmoney.com slash p-a-w-p-a-w. Thanks everybody. Brendan R. writes, may it please the court, this is my first time writing a case but the situation is so bizarre I feel like I have to share. I'm excited. Oh my god, I love it already. I play in a campaign with some grad school friends. It has been going great since 2022, but recently things took a strange turn when one of the PCs chastised the party for forgetting his birthday. What? We thought it was just a strange joke until his PC said the following in character,

if you guys aren't going to treat me with the respect I treat you with, I'm leaving the party. We were floored and implored him not to leave the party to which he explained that over months of play, he had intentionally had his PC remember our PC's birthdays in hopes that one of us would initiate a birthday scene with him

so that he could advance the plot of his character with a curse that takes effect at the age of 25. Judges, what the hell? Should other members be expected to pick up on hints like this? at the age of 25. Judges, what the hell should other party members be expected to pick up on hints like this? I totally understand the value of improv and collaboration, but this birthday thing came out of black fields for all of us.

Are we guilty of being bad party members? Am I the only one who feels like this person is just too online? Yeah, no. This player is just too online. I think this person like played too much like Baldur's Gate is expecting things to be like, you can just unlock certain things by doing quests.

And if you like remember certain details, this is fucking like, this is fucking Stardew Valley brain. Yeah, yeah. This is just like kind of a level of entitlement. Yeah. Thinking that first off as a DM, there's plenty of times where I have to be like,

this character from your past and you remember them from this context, because I know you're all busy, and it's like maybe you don't remember this character from 40 sessions ago or whatever. Sometimes it's hard to remember your actual friend's birthday. Yes, so hard.

Remember your friend's PC's birthday. Do you know, it was a New Year's resolution of mine once to go big for birthdays. Cause I was like, this is gonna be a great bonding experience for me and the people in my life. People were more indifferent about it than I thought. I walked away being like, okay, I think birthdays aren't like, they don't need to be a big thing.

Here's what I will say. I do agree that birthdays don't need to be a big thing, but I will say that people that are quietly very good at birthdays, I have a respect for them where I think that they totally have their shit together. Yeah. Like I have friends that maybe I don't see as often that hit me every single birthday,

and I'm like, damn dude, you just have a Google calendar with your good friends. That's what I did for that year. I did it and I went big and people were less moved. But I think they're quietly impressed by you. Yeah, but that wasn't the point. I was thinking this is a bonding experience. It's gonna like deepen and like enrich our friendships

and relationships. And it felt like it was just more. No, it just quietly gets you faction points. It quietly gets you faction points. It quietly gets you faction points. I like the skywriting thing you did for me. I thought that was cool. Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't say thank you on the day.

You went a little too big, I think was the problem. It is true, Emily, you don't know, maybe in like 30 years, one of those people will like just show up out of the blue and tackle the burglar that's about to steal your wallet. Whoa, yeah, you're right. Maybe I didn't know. I guess I just felt like we didn't become more connected.

The thing that connects us more was just actually spending time together or like reaching out. Not on the day that everyone. All right. That's how you get your faction up with your friends. You wish them happy birthday. Right. OK, OK. So make sure you text all your friends to be like, where am I at faction one? Am I getting the good ending? Are we going to go to heaven together?

Or am I going to go to hell by myself? Text that to your friends every birthday. Right after you send the happy birthday text. Two days later you say, what's my faction at? Are we getting the heaven ending? Are we getting the heaven ending? The ultimate good ending. I still, and maybe the game has evolved beyond this.

I still kind of feel like D&D, my experience of it is very collaborative play, but there are some people who go in and it's like, this is my precious little character and I am going to craft their story so precisely. I want to say to them what I want to say to the, you know, DMs who take up too much space, which is like, just write a book. If the collaboration isn't, I guess this person was seeking out collaboration, but it was for kind of a selfish reason.

They were seeking out some different version of collaboration where they were waiting for other people to come to them. And you kind of just like, if you want your birthday to be important, I think that's great. You just gotta say it's my birthday. You have to say it. And yeah, your friends are collaborating.

They'll be like, oh great, it's your birthday. Let's talk about that. If a curse is coming up on your 25th birthday, your character wouldn't be like really good at remembering other people's birthdays. They would be afraid of their own birthday. Right. And so they-

Not even normal role play. Exactly. If my character, if it was a big thing- Like why would I initiate a character for your birthday? Like that would be so out there. You have main character syndrome and you want the other players to all rush around you and say, oh no, I'm so sad.

You know what? If this was really important to this character, then it really was kind of on the DM, then they should have, like all this weird, all this weird giving because you want to get, right? Being like, I'm going to celebrate your birthday so that you'll mention mine is so, it makes me feel cynical to think about.

It's not what it's about. It's about faction. Birthdays are about faction. We're trying to unlock the birthday scene. But we can say that there is another person in here who could have made this easier, which is the DM. I guess. Which, if this is really important

for your character's story, then I think that it's on the DM to make it. Cause it's not gonna feel satisfying if just one day you're like, guys, it's my birthday. And I didn't tell you guys, but I'm cursed. And now I initially, you know, it's gonna feel really weird, but it's kind of like on the DM to make that moment work.

But it sounds like this person went off before the DM even got to it. And also it's the person's backstory. So it's like, yeah, it's just on you to share your backstory stuff. If you come to the table, and even if it's it's like, yeah, it's just on you to share your backstory stuff. If you come to the table, and even if it's not this like weird birthday thing that seems really loaded,

even if you're like, this person killed my family and I want to get them, it's not on the other players to, like the other players will care about that person because you care about them, but it's not on them to bring them up. And to be like, this assassin is like a big deal and it's just like, it's that other character's thing.

It's also us. It's your job to bring them up. I'm just picturing someone saying, happy birthday to someone with such expecting eyes. Right. Just waiting. Don't you wanna say you too? Yeah.

Don't you wanna ask me my birthday? Happy birthday Don't you want to ask what my birthday is? Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Gosh, I love birthdays. I can't wait for mine, which is on this date. All of that would have been weird, but still slightly more normal because you're being like, it's my birthday.

Like you're talking about your own birthday a lot. And there are people that are like, it's my birthday month. And you're like, huh? You don't really have a whole month in there. But like this person wasn't even doing that. This person was like, it's my birthday campaign. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. So I think obviously we're going to punish this player. I think so. So this player, I think is right now set up for the bad ending. They have bad, their faction is tanked. Oh yeah. And they need to build it back up.

I said happy birthday texts and not expecting anything in return. The only thing you'll get in return is the good ending. Re-good heaven with all your friends. Yeah. The only social link you should be focusing on is the one with Jesus Christ. What?

What? That's right. Oh, dude. Okay. Is that the punishment? Yeah, the punishment is that their faction is tanked and they have to. Yeah, yeah.

They're reaching rival status, honestly. Yeah, they're not gonna get the date with Aerith. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, you're out. Wow. You're going to Gold Saucer alone. I think we have time for one more case. I'm gonna give you guys the option, okay?

I'm gonna give you two case titles and you'll tell me which one we're gonna do now and then the other one can be on the short route. Oh, okay. I feel like you're punking us somehow. and you'll tell me which one we're gonna do now and then the other one can be on the short rest. Whoa. Okay. I feel like you're punking us somehow. No, I'm not. I just couldn't decide between these two and I need you to for me.

These are the two cases. Okay. They are the case of the backstory shattering nat 20. Okay. Or the case of the silly name, Scaries. Backstory shattering nat 20 or silly name, Scary. Sillystory Shattering Nat 20 or Silly Name, Scaries. Silly Name, Scaries has such short rest energy. It really does.

I was about to say the same exact thing. Yeah, that feels short rest. That feels short resty. Let's do Backstory. Okay. Then here we go. This one is from Professor Bubbles. To the beautiful Justices and the mid-tier Jake.

You don't even have a job. You don't even have a job. It feels bad that mid- tier and the name was right. I bring the case of the backstory shattering that 20. I'm in a game that has been mostly mystery with little bits of combat interspersed. I play a war forged Butler who is sworn into service to the daughter of my creator in the campaign.

I wrote a chunk of this character's backstory but left intentional memory holes that I wrote as my creator having erased for my protection. That's really fun. It's kind of born-esque. Yeah. We've been slowly exploring a conspiracy behind my creator's death as I uncover bits of memory,

which is super fun. I'm now picturing a Matt Damon war forged. Picturing Bicentennial Man, but it's Matt Damon's face. I am. Recently, we stumbled into a group of tinkerers who we asked for help in restoring my memory. They agreed. And I rolled the DM's special fate dice

in order to determine how well they did. Fate dice. I got a nat 20. My DM was sent into a small panic as he began narrating all of the information he had prepared. Conspiracy within conspiracy within conspiracy. It was truly amazing how many levels deep it was.

I'm incredibly grateful to how much work the DM put in to making even more backstory for my character than I could have ever expected. However, by the end of it, it now feels like there's no more to discover and the mystery feels solved. Am I wrong for wishing that the Nat 20 should have revealed less? Or am I just a big baby butt head and should work towards fixing the damage from the conspirators? I humbly ask the court's opinion on this.

Trying time as a part of my heart is beginning to even falter in Dice Christ himself. Whoa! Okay, okay. Easy there, born centennial man. Big Baby Butthead is a good title for Jake for a future email, by the way. Oh, that's cool.

If you wanna like, just, anyone who wants that can take it. I feel like I get this feeling cause it's like you set up a hurdle for your character and a lot of your character work is around that hurdle. And sometimes when it gets satisfied, you're like, oh, I need to discover the new hurdle. I genuinely feel like this is really cool.

I can totally understand, but I think that you're limiting yourself by thinking that way. You had a lot of fun with this. Now you've got conspiracies in solving those conspiracies, new things are gonna come up. How do the revelations change your character? How do the revelations,

how do you emotionally respond to that? How do you even grapple with the fact that you are emotionally responding to this? How do you see that? This is why they made four Bourne movies. Each one better than the last. Yeah, Rinner Bourne was perfect. They never stopped being good, yeah.

Right. I feel like you've got an incredible prompt here. And I think that maybe you were having a lot of fun with the first prompt, but this is definitely a prompt that you can just as much fun. I feel like you're dealing with like just like the whiplash of the moment, but like narratively, it is really cool because you were expecting this to go on for so long and now like you've been given this gift, but it's like not a gift you want. And it's just like, yeah, where do you go from here?

You've got like the world wide open for you. It's very fun. Yeah. It's also nice you can, you know now that you can count on your DM because you're prepared so much. So whatever you do next, there's gonna be as much thought and care going into it. And may I suggest like a birthday thing?

You just tell your DM when your birthday is. Like you're cursed on your birthday. Yeah, maybe what you're really feeling is not like disenchanted as much as you're maybe feeling nervous. It's possible that you're feeling nervous about creating like sort of like a new chapter two of the story. But it sounds like your DM is so good.

You could just be like, hey, like I wanna know where do you think my character should go after this? I'm sure you could have a conversation with them. I think you gotta punish yourself by taking your DM out for dinner. I think like go to whatever your DM's favorite spot is. Maybe it's, you know, islands, fine burgers and drinks. Probably take them to islands. That's a solid poll.

That's a very not well known thing.. I've never even heard of it. It's a Burbank chain. We drive it past the Burbank. Really? Yeah. I just always make people laugh because it's literally called Island's Fine Burgers and Drinks.

They're not even that proud of their burgers. Drinks are okay too, I guess. Oh, fine has two meanings, though. I think it's fine dining. Right. Fine dining. Yeah, those are fine burgers. It could be sexual. Yeah, it could be like a fine burger.

Ooh. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. I'd fuck that burger. I think it's just fine a fine burgers. Oh, I'd fuck that burger. Fuck that burger. So three. Wow. Triple entendre. Are we allowed to fuck the fine burgers? I heard that the burgers were sexy.

Sorry, you're confused. We have fine burgers that are just OK. We've got fuckable burgers and then we've got gourmet burger. Which would you prefer? It says fuckable on the sign if you can fuck the burgers. It doesn't say fine. But what I was saying though is that I do think that your DM can be trusted.

You need to reward them for all of this cool shit that they provided you with. Go take them out to dinner and talk about the next chapter. Yeah. Yeah. You also, I mean, like Em was saying before, you have, you can honestly grapple with this stuff in game. Like you don't have this, if you have a goal and you complete it and you're like, now what?

I still feel like I need to do something else. I feel empty now or whatever. And that's something that is even more interesting to play out as a Warforged to be like, this gave me purpose. The way, you know, like that was my purpose. I was like programmed to find this out or whatever. Now what do I do?

And like, what does that mean about like this character's humanity? I think that's really interesting. And then also on top of that, you probably got a bunch of people to get revenge on. Right? Oh yeah. Revenge story is the easiest.

You are gonna slide into something very fun. Yeah. And then you can do, you could do a little bit of both where you're like, I'm gonna kind of consciously switch into murder bot mode, while grappling with your new found humanity of being like, this isn't what I want. And it is true that as a Warforged,

you probably now know when you were created, so you do have a birthday. So you can have a birthday. And you can hold it from all your other players. And then hold it over their heads when it comes up. And then snap, snap. Start giving people gifts with the expectation that they'll immediately reward you with one too.

Exactly. Did you ever think about how many birthdays you've had? I've had none. That's what Born is about. It's Matt Damon trying to uncover when his birthday is. Born is right in the title. Born day, yeah. Birthday, born day.

That's what I call it. I will say that there is a little bit of an argument to be made that just because you get an at 20 doesn't mean that the DM needs to send you like a PDF from their notes. You know what I mean? Like there could have been some stuff withheld, but that being said, I-

I think this sounds like an awesome- I mean, this sounds right. This sounds right. I'm saying just as, you know, to other DMs out there, if people are trying to unravel a mystery, if it's character specific, it's probably fine to just dump it and say like, okay, you actually learn everything.

That's fine, because the character is specific. If you are listening to this and you're like, uh-oh, I made this murder mystery and it's the whole campaign, you don't have to give away everything under that 20. You just have to give away a lot within the context of the situation. Yeah, the only tweak I could provide on this maybe

is that the person who's revealing all this information is about to get to the final reveal and then they're murdered, like an arrow just strikes them from off screen or something like that. And then you've got like another hook. What is the max that these tinkerers can provide? It might not be like restoring your entire hard drive. But that being said, they did.

And that leaves lots of room for interesting, you know, character play. Maybe like the download was like so narratively exciting that you almost had like a plot orgasm. And now you're kind of like afterwards, like I don't feel like getting out of bed now. Yeah. It's like eating a burger so good you could fuck it.

And it's like, you just don't know where to go from there. I don't know whether or not to eat or fuck this burger. Wow. It's like, how do I eat normal food after this? Dude, I just matched with the hottest burger on Hinge. So, unfortunately, to punish this player, we have to punish this player to character development. Yeah.

That's really fun. Yeah, to embracing the unknown, really, is what we're sentencing you to. You do have to text your DM and say, where's my faction at? Are we getting the good news? Are we getting the good ending? Are we getting the good ending? And say happy early birthday or belated.

Happy early birthday. Happy early birthday. Get those social links up. Happy early birthday belated. Early slash belated wherever we are on the calendar. Where's my faction at? Are we getting the good ending? Call one huge block of tech.

And send it with a loud effect. At four in the morning. Urge it past their do not disturb. I wish it worked like that though, where like if you got your faction points up and up with your friends, like they would get cooler cars or something like that. Is it persona if you get the faction levels up enough? Like everybody gets like cooler personas they can summon. And I feel like that should work in like real life.

Like you should just get like a better car. No, I feel like they just become better friends. Which sucks. Which sucks. Which sucks. And my car is mid. I was playing Animal Crossing with my nieces and we asked one of my islanders out on a date

and it took them two days to respond and they didn't even reference the proposed date. Are you not allowed? I thought we were gonna get some more vivid. There's no romance options and animal crust. I think the best you're gonna get is a cool picture frame for your house or something like that.

You all need to start playing Stardew Valley. Wow. Yeah. My character necked with Tom Nook. I'm sorry. In front of his nephews. Jake, you pulled that out. Did you Google characters from Animal Crossing? No, Liberty Jake played Animal Crossing

for like a solid month. Oh, did he? I don't remember that. Yeah, I played Animal Crossing for a few weeks. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Fair play.

Right. I just really pandemic. Yeah. Okay. Okay, is that right? Third play. Right, yeah. Early pandemic. Yeah. Okay, so ordered this, the player is sentenced to character development and texting their DM, happy early birthday. And with that, let's step into church.

We actually have, what can only be described as a very lackadaisical confession. Okay. There's been a lot of those recently. A lot of people just being like, hey, what's up, just want to confess that I'm not sorry. I did this thing where I lied and it was awesome. And I really.

Yeah. Well, we also just had a question that was like, my faith in Dicegryce is shattered. And we all felt the pull of the Dice Devil last time, if I remember. I didn't. You all wanted everyone to lie. It sorely tempted Murph.

You as well. Re-listen to the episode. Go ahead, Jake. Okay, Jack M writes, to the bodacious Bailiff-Berwitz and the heathenly high-hustases. Okay. Okay. I ask, is it okay if I don't do math and guess sometimes?

What? Hmm. You know what? The answer is sort of. Without hearing any more, I respect where you're coming from. I deeply see where you're coming from. Yeah, I do know what you mean, yeah.

My character ended up being pretty weak, so even when I was rolling 15s on middling monsters, I was not hitting. So I just kind of decided that if I rolled a 13 or higher, I would say somewhere from 20 to 22 to ensure my character hit. Oh, this is damn out. Okay, this is the

We're bordering on not math. I also feel like my DM did something wrong with my character and stat array IDK, I was so weak and never hitting as a barbarian is fun. Should I go to hell? This might be a church question I'm seeing now. Should I go to hell? This might be a church question I'm seeing now. Should I go to hell? This is stream of consciousness.

No part of you said, I'm gonna just read over what I wrote one more time. This might be a church question I'm seeing now, only did it until level three. Okay. Oh, not doing anymore. All right, okay. So you should have been rolling with advantage though,

sometimes with reckless attacks. I think that this would have been rolling with advantage though sometimes because you're- With reckless attacks and everything. I think that this would have been on your DM if they were putting so many things in front of you that had like 18 AC or whatever, when you're level one, two and three, that's just annoying. That's not fun. It's not fun to miss all the time.

That being said, it sounds like we don't have, really have the context, but it doesn't sound like you've tried to talk it out. It sounds like you just lied. And when you were talking about, is it okay to not do math sometimes, I thought you were talking about estimating or something, like looking and being like, okay, I rolled a 17.

I know I have plus 13 to hit, you know, quick math. That's like 30. But if you were just like, I think 28, it's like, does that really matter that much? Probably not. But what you're doing is lying I think 28, it's like, does that really matter that much? Probably not. But what you're doing is lying. That's, you know. Yeah, we all have numbers

that we have trouble adding together. Like seven and six, that one's just no good for me. Oh, that's tough. Yeah, see I did 17 and 13, which is actually really- Oh my God! It just took me way too long to answer that in my head. Honestly, all this, like anything plus six, it really trips me up.

Like eight plus six, I know it's 14, but like sometimes it's not. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, man. There are definitely times where if it's like, if it's something like 17 plus 16 or something, we'll just be like, yeah, that hits. It just hits, you know, like we don't, you don't need to sit there and do math on every single thing. It's like, is, is number higher than AC? Yes. You're fine. Just whatever, whatever, whatever. Keep telling me numbers. If they're high, they hit. If they're not high, they you're fine. Just whatever, whatever, whatever. Keep telling me numbers. If they're high, they hit. If they're not high, they don't hit.

But yeah, what you're talking about is just lying. It's not, and it's like pretty calculated lying too. It's like, I just add five to everything that I do. But they said that they stopped doing this. So clearly they've seen the light at some point. At level three. So it's not like they did it for a solid chunk of time. Right, but it- Yeah, I think you knew. I think that you knew. Well, yeah, but I think that, I think in the light at some point. At level three, so it's not like they did it for a solid chunk of time. Right, but it-

Yeah, I think you knew, I think that you knew. Well, yeah, but I think that, I think in the future, you can know that you can bring this stuff up with your DM to be like, hey, does every goblin we fight have to wear a full plate mail? Can we figure this out? Cause I have a plus two to strength, and that's my best stat.

You did send though, and you are gonna have to get your DM a really good birthday present. There we go. You're gonna have to get your DM a really good birthday present. There we go. You're gonna have to take them to the restaurant where you're allowed to fuck the burger. Yeah, your faction is really low. Your DM doesn't know it yet, but your faction is really low,

so you gotta get your faction up. Yeah, if you wanna get the burger fucking scene, you're gonna have to do a lot of fact-finding events. The good ending is the burger fucking scene. And if you want to go to Highlands, The good ending is the burger fucking scene. If you want to go to islands, fine. Burgers and fries. Oh yeah, you have a lot of work to do.

Can we do onion rings for the table and I'll have the coitus burger? Yeah. Right. Please step by this. Oh, I heard we could fuck the burger. The burgers and cheese are like warm but not hot, right? They're not like scalding hot, just asking. The waiter in the most disinterested voice says,

buddy, it's whatever you want. Yeah, if you want the warm burger ending, you need to get your faction up with your DM. So high, yeah. So your DM, a belated, belated slash early, happy birthday. So forgiven. Thank you all so much for listening.

We'll be over on our Patreon with some bonus cases. Check that out. Patreon.com slash nadpod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. Don't sing yet. What a fine URL. Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? Patreon.com.

Patreon.com. Nice. Yes. NADDPOD. I'll shout out some PO box stuff if that's okay. Okay. Number one, right up top, I just want to shout out everyone's beautiful wax seals.

We get a lot of- Oh yeah. Yeah, we get some save the dates and letters and they always have these like really pretty wax seals and I just feel awful cracking them open. I know, I always try to open it in a way that the wax seal is preserved. Yeah, I think it's on me

because I don't have a good letter opener. I think I do need like a nice little like thin letter opener so I can like, you know, shimmy it off. I love cracking them because it seems like people are answering the call. Oh, that's true. The banners are coming. You guys remember?

Yeah, the Banner Men are uniting. Yeah. We went out to, I only remember this because me and Riff have a picture of it. We went out to dinner in one of those UK shows. After one of the UK shows we did, and someone had given us something with a wax seal, and I delicately peeled it off so that it was intact,

and then I applied it to the collar of my dress. Like it was like a pin. Whoa. It looked good. I feel like that's like a nascent fashion trend waiting to happen. Yeah, we got a free burger to fuck. The waiter pulled me aside and said,

I love your seal broach. You can fuck the food here. We don't let just everyone fuck the food. This is also a motel. I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who has sent in a college graduation announcements. Oh, congrats everybody. There's always a lot of people that write in saying that they like listen to the show, made through long nights in the library.

So you know what? I'll say it, congrats on the grads. Yes. Wow, congrats. Congrats, as they say, congrats. Also a couple more things. Ooh, Andrew K sent us a copy of their homebrew campaign book, Boletus, City of Rot and Revenge. Cool. It's full of malicious mushrooms and devious factions,

strangely enough, a lot of faction points. Really like that. They also sent a little cooking supplement called Yes Chef, which is like about how to cook food in the dungeon. Kind of very, very delicious and dungeon-esque. So I love that. Meg, the also very Rocco Street Chef Magic Gathering. Oh, yeah.

You're obsessed with magic. You just everything is contextualized. I am obsessed with it right now, and I'll never talk about it again in probably two months. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic.

Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic.

Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic.

Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Magic. Yeah, talk about eggs. One more to shout out, David, AKA Hellish Rebuke, sent us Magic the Gathering Commander Cards. Oh, yes. She's gonna talk about it again. I cannot wait. They're based on real cards, so we can play with them,

except for the Pinder Greens, which is an un-card and features a strange jumping mechanic. But you know what? I think that I'm gonna allow it. I'm gonna allow it in my games. I'm gonna allow it. All'm gonna allow it in my games. Yeah, all right. Thanks so much for sending us stuff.

We always love seeing it. Really appreciate it, y'all. Thank you. And you can follow us on social media there at me and right now at use, at C-H-V-E at call this Caldwell, at A-X for Demily, and at Jake Edwards at Jake. And you can tweet about the show using hashtag NADPod.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. Happy birthday, Murph. Happy birthday, man., the youth of the nation. Happy birthday, Murph. Happy birthday, man. It's not my birthday. Happy early birthday, dude. What do you want?

Ha ha ha. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun--dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-d Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, Happy 10th Anniversary Axe Murph, Later McSkater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the Dastardly Dame, Beard Man Dan, Danny P, Carpe Liam, Bryant the Worst Sir Brinespluge, Victor T. aka Balnorzboy Hoyt's friend, Justin I

Danny Danster TJM Trelai The Cray Christopher B Damiel R Jordan L Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald

Targot Stevie Wags Hellish Rebukeer PhD Princess Yar Jory S Rachel from Animorphs, Jack L, Nicholas C. Star of Every Film Ever Made in Bohemia, Samuel B., Mike H., Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Jemma, Tyler F., Fighting Favorites, The Favorite Things Podcast, F fighting favorites the favorite things podcast knee badger Panama James her

Adrian Carrboro Chapel Hill FPV Rex Daniel the white CC Lulu old cobs dunkle older burn how cool Paul oh ze lab at folk detectivemy R. Rayco Calder Comes Cold Shout out to the cold cum Cum Pannions Frosty Facial Taylor B. The Vengeful One-Winged Angel Cass Strong Grinch

Steven Scientifically Sees with E's C Mike K. Lady Taco and Team Incradulity Nick W. William W. Big Bad Beardo the Mad Eric McD Ananarama

Percival Fredrickstein von Mussel Klasowski de Rolo III Jay Dragonborn Guardian of the Vibe Honoring the Cock Reckless Starling Bin A. Dave H. Dustin S. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce

Bookfars Assistant Izzy F. DPC is awesome! Hashtag Honour the Cock! Shone the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zelbal Dar Summer Rose aka Grand Tare Cat C. Misa of House N'unza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N, AKA Velociraptor, B, Perky Always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serv16, Annie the Feywild Therapist, Skillful Ferret, insert fan art request here.

Oh wow, we recorded this one a while ago, so, um, I would love to see your interpretation of all of the mini Baeliff variants. I'm talking about Josh, I'm talking about George, talking about Jark, talking about all of the multiversal Jakes that exist out there. Connor S. Salil. WeedGoku69, currently in orbit around Moon number 16, Bioquart 7, Amber Dextrous, Bean Rat was innocent, Jack H, King of them all people under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament, Lindsay W, Vailin, Paj the bitchin'

bunny bard, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywwog boy hashtag honor the cock ribbit James G Everything bago the Aladdin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger stripey daddy master dandy Eric B Marcos learns the balance druid Frida M Tracy P Tracy P. the Crick Elf Librarian. Maggie S. See you in Chicago. Hope you had a great time. Holly the Green Laughing Hyena. Ho ho, finally caught up to Duck Team, thank you.

Akash T. Doofinius. Cal, just Cal. Aaron B. Russell H. A monk named Dilgo. Yes, the whole thing. Yes, every time. Cody Care. Lorelei the succubi and Kira the succulent snack. Your friendly neighborhood yawn and yunkle.

Andrew and Sid. John Adams, the writing candidate for 2024. Meg, the mail carrier manager of Bohemia. James F. Austin S. Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them, turn to page 42. Keep them, turn to page 69! Oh yeah. Shane C. Barpo Goodbarrel Bart Barian.

Welshlander. Garrett G. AKA One Big Curd. Havy the Half Orc. Renee the Monster Captain. Box Clifton. Garrett G aka One Big Currrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr The Artificer, Damon J. Anthony, The Raddest of Dudes, Josh H. The Fairies Say Yeet! Cantrip Dumbledore, The Bear Onesie Wearing Barbarian Lexi H. Nodrog, The Pass, A Fist, Barbarian Geno T.

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That is amazing news. I'm so happy for you. Uh, please don't get lost in the abyss. That is the blue hole. Please promise me that. Have a great trip. Jackson R. Snailus who's infecting Worcester for within.

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slash nadpod. That is N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We already sang and that means it's time for the show to end. See you next week. Bye bye. That was a hate gum podcast.