Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Newbie PVP, Rat Gods, and Baptized Dogs

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

Support Minneapolis and the fight against ICE by giving to the Immigrant Rapid Response Fund!Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, along with Bailiff Jake, as they pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, everybody, it's Murph. Before we get to the episode, if you're looking for a way to help the people of Minneapolis who are being terrorized by ICE, consider donating to the immigrant rapid response fund. It's run by the Women's Foundation of Minnesota and distributes funds to local organizations who are on the front lines. You can find links in the episode description. Stay strong, Minneapolis. We love you. On with the show. This is a headgum podcast. Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon. Dungeon Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon. Welcome to Dungeon Court, everybody. Dunnod. We are your Supreme Crit Justices, Murphy, Axford, and Tanner, joined by the lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly, lowly, might I suggest lovely?

Loveli, because he's both lowly and lovely, and also kind of like a loaf of bread. Yeah. He is very, good loaf like, yeah. He's fresh, a little crusty. He's a little crusty. Yep, okay, Emily said squishy, Caldwell said, crusty.

Yeah, sometimes he's got mold. Yeah, I said you were fresh. Yeah, you did. A moldy but a goodie. That's our lovely ban. There you go. Isn't he lonely? Isn't he wonder?

Bread. All right. Jake, take it away. Gladly. Hear ye, hear ye. Crit is now in session. The Honorable Supreme Crit Justices, Axford, Murphy, and Tanner presiding.

Hi. Hello. Our first case, comes from Lauren L. To the Honorable Justices and the bailiffs whose name I forgot, I come to you with the case of a permanent player death. I recently started in a campaign where the DM is a friend of a friend and it had been going well.

I had to miss a session. And when I came back, I found out that one of our party members had died during the session I missed. This is when I learned that the DM has a house rule. If your character dies, you are not allowed to roll a new character. You, as the player, are permanently out of the campaign. It's better than you die in real life. Right.

Okay, yeah. I mean, you kind of do die socially in real life. Yeah. The player whose character died still comes to sessions just to hang out, but isn't allowed to play and mostly make semi-distracting conversation with us. My character has gone down in nearly every combat encounter thus far, so I am terrified that she will die, and I will no longer have access to my otherwise very fun D&D game.

Is this an unfair house room? rule or should our party be permanently punished to remain three or less members? I don't know how to tell other people's social circles how to live. Sure. But I just can't imagine my social circle wanting this. Yeah. But the other players are accepted? That seems like that's what I'm, that's what I'm confused by.

Because I'm like, if no one else is complaining, I think that you need to talk to your other players to know if you even like. Right. It's weird that this one person that had, their character had died and then they were kicked out of the game is still hanging out. I would be mad. Unless it's not weird. Although, yeah. Unless it's not weird because it's like a survivor sort of thing.

And they're on like the interview couch afterwards. So they've been like kicked off of the game essentially. But they're still a part of like the recaps. But it sounds like they're distracting. It does not like they're distracting. having other conversations. It also feels like it's not out of the realm of a possibility that the DM won't be like, hey, you're back in.

I guess, but why not just establish that? Honestly, I understand it a little bit to be like, to make the stakes of death real, having it be like one session without them so you like feel the loss is honestly kind of fun, but just the idea that you can never do it again is too far. You're not our friend anymore. Yeah. It's cool to raise the stakes. I would even go so far as to be like, what if you just did the top of next session, you play for a little bit without them? Like, not even a full session. Just so you can kind of like, or they build.

Yeah. To me, I'm like, if this is a social thing that goes into your calendar and you see your friends this way, like why would you want to have one hangout where they weren't there? And what happens if two people die. And then you have two people that aren't playing sitting around the table and a third person. It's like most people in the room aren't even playing. So I think this DM is what they're doing is they're playing. life on hard mode where they're doing permadeath friendships. Yeah. Where like if you fuck up, you're not their friend anymore. And that's fine. Like they're just, they live life on hard mode. They're a gamer through and through. Unfortunately, I actually do respect people who just cut people. Yeah. Just one thing you got about me, uh, I do permadeath friendships. So if you fuck up three times, you are just like permanently not my friend anymore. You still hang out though I'm talking to talk to you. This is just the ultimate example of valuing like D&D stakes over real life.

relationships. Yeah. Like you might have a situation where somebody's had a real rough go of it in real life. And so maybe you don't go as hard on them at the table, even though the story, like, would call for their beloved NPC or something to die. Maybe you don't do that that week because they just got divorced. You know, this is going. Is this why obsidian's never died?

Because you just are worried about me. Yeah. Murphs texting me and said like Obsidian needs to stick around because Emily's not taking the divorce. Because we're going through the slowest divorce ever. Obsidian has been on the show for like three years. That's why I picked that one.

Yeah. The one that I clearly. Obsidian went to go live with his aunt and uncle. I do like I said, I do get the instinct there because you want it to feel like something. You do want it to feel like a loss. But I think you get it. at that with literally one session.

And I think you could have the person be included by being like, by being like, come to the session and build your character while we play. Like don't do all the stuff beforehand. Do it while we're playing. And then maybe we'll introduce you at the end and like tease that you're coming back or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. This is like even worse than death on the table, DM. Yeah. I think I would need to like not like everyone at the table to as a player not be on board. to be on board with this idea, right? Because the idea that it's like, I'm like thinking of the different groups I've played with socially

and I'm like, oh, the idea that it's like, hey guys, good news. The table's getting thinner. Yeah. What? Yeah, I mean, potentially could just be like two people sitting there. I know.

It's like it reality shows how it's like so fun and then they get to like, there's always a certain point where you're like, damn, I'm there's more people. Oh, they cut out the colorful commentary characters. Yeah. Is that how this DM like ends the campaign? The last person alive is the winner.

Whoa. They are, I mean, I guess there are some games that you can play where it's just like death is inevitable. There's a game about like tin candles where you're like slowly blowing out candles until you're like playing the game in the dark.

And like maybe they're going for something like that where it is a winnowing and like they're trying to evoke that via the aesthetic of like isolation. But it'd be like that instead of being in the dark, you just kick everyone out of your house. That's not fun. Exactly. It is it possible though that I'm, that there is like, obviously like when we were playing D&D, it was like a social event?

Is it possible that it's been elevated to slightly more than social like a dodgeball league where you're not necessarily friends with everyone, but you like the sport? But that would still be like kicking someone out of your dodgeball league. Yeah, that'd be like kicking someone out of the off of your team because I got hit by the ball. From what I've heard about dodge ball leagues, people do get kicked out. Yeah, maybe this is a tournament. I think that this is some sort of weird role-playing tournament and this person has lost. I can't believe I'm giving into this generous reed,

but I'm seeing it now. I'm seeing the light here. Merv is pinching his nose. Yeah, this DM is a weird friend. It could also be Jeff Probst. It could be survived. If it's Jeff Probst, then I understand. Are you on Survivor?

How are you writing us from Survivor? Did you win a computer and a challenge? Yeah. You get Rice at a phone. Can you win a computer? I haven't watched Survivor. I don't know, you can get like a letter from a loved one. Okay.

They were like, you can log on for 10 minutes online. Right. Whoa. And they're like sick. I feel like my first advice, before we make any rulings, my first advice would maybe be to take the temperature of the other players of your at your table. Because I don't know that if they are all like, this is actually what we want to do, then I would kind of be like, I guess, submit to the wins of this.

I think there's no way everyone's happy. No, because there's a submitter that is saying they're not happy with it, and then the other person is just hanging out not allowed to play. And the party is getting weaker. So the game is going to get harder and more people will die. And I think that's the big problem is that, like, the DM is doing this at their house as opposed to in a castle trader style. I think that, like, you need a neutral location like that.

So that when you're asked to leave, it's just like, oh, well, I had a good run. But like, I guess I'm going to go home now. I think following this logic to its conclusion would just be you continue to replace players, I guess, with like, less good friends until you're just playing with strangers or no one, right? That's what happens. Yeah, you're getting your oil change and you're like, here's a character sheet. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah, following this to its end, this is, you're heading for a bad time. I'm definitely, I'm ruling against this DM. This is a nuts rule. Yeah. I feel so I have to abstain because I don't understand if the other players like it or not. We don't know if there's secret cameras. I personally cannot understand enjoying it from my personal experience,

but I've never been in a dodgeball league. I actually might abstain too because I don't know if this DM is Jeff Probst or Alan. Okay, cool. All right. Yeah. Okay. We need more evidence. Caldell, you're abstaining?

I think that we need to punish this DM to host this in a castle, unless they are Allen Cummings and they're already doing that. So are you rooting, are you voting against the DM? Are you abstaining? All right. I will vote. against the DM. Great.

Me and Caldwell vote against the DM. You guys both abstain. The DM's wrong. I'm fine with that rule. We are correct. Yeah. I'm fine with that rule. Yeah.

Oh, good. Especially the sentence sounds awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel very lovely for having to do that. But yet, it must be done. Yeah. So ordered. Our next case comes from Jenny to the illustrious judges and their AI bailiff bot.

You wish. If only I were that cool. Oh, he's loosening again. Yeah. You guys were totally right on the last case. You were right to be right about it. Hey, can you put a giant summary at the top of my email about how I was right? For the first time ever, we need everyone at the table to submit to figure out if something's weird.

About two years ago, my good friend, let's call him Jimmy, invited me to join his D&D campaign. I had been wanting to play D&D for years but never had a group, so this invitation felt like a dream come true. Yes. It's definitely going to go so bad. I love the writing the way it's... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The trickle, like the introduction of hope that we know is going to get smushed like a banana. Yeah, a dream come true.

Unfortunately for me, as soon as my character was introduced, Jimmy's character was immediately hostile because my paladin worshipped a different god than his. Yep. Jimmy joked above table that he would have outright attacked me if he wasn't so low on spell slots. I was able to diffuse the situation. Oh, wait, above the table? I guess like broke character. Player to player?

Yeah. How high above. Sick character, dude. Here goes my character voice. I would fucking kick your ass if I had an extra spell slot right now. You're lucky I used hold person to keep that goat from attacking us. I was able to diffuse the situation, but the tension that lingered between our two characters was zero fun to play out. Yeah.

That campaign fizzled out shortly after and the beginning of a new campaign felt like a fresh start. Another dream come true. Unfortunately, he had a different warlock deity that he followed. Imagine my utter befuddlement when the moment me and Jimbo's characters meet in this new campaign, he attempts to attack my character. What? A heated text exchange ensued between myself and Jimmy, where he said that he was being true to his character. And that it's what his character would do.

Jimmy fucking hates you. I'm sorry. Or Jimmy's mad at you. You won an award that. Jimmy wanted to win in fifth grade. Did you steal something from Jimmy? I don't know if Jimmy hates you or if Jimmy just so badly wants a narrative where it's like we're the two tough guys or something that like fight it out and

we're going to be like friends later. It's trying to make like an enemies to friends or enemies to lovers type situation. I also do think though a lot of times conflict when people aren't are like conflict is kind of the go-to when people are like, oh, I want a story conflict. I'm going to hate someone. I'm going to have a problem with someone. It's like very teenage primal. I think there's a fun way to do it where like I work alone, but I need a partner on

this and I don't trust you. And I like, you know, you get in my way, but I have to begrudgingly work with you. And then somebody just like openly like, I'm going to attack you because I, because I disagree. Right. It's so, it's very gimly legolus, right? Yeah. There's a way to do it where you could just be like, rough, just be like, be like, that, you know, that God is fiction or something like that.

The true God will show us or something. I attack the elf. Yeah. Yeah. Just like, and my axe through the elf skull. But Gimley never attacked. No, that's what I'm saying. Don't never toss me.

This is for tossing me. Yeah. I think they, what I'm saying is I think they want a Gimley Legalist thing and are just fucking it up so bad. Yeah. Gunned off. They're doing PVP. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh yeah, it's so much better to just begrudgingly work together. Yeah. Just you can snipe at each other. That's like half the fun, chirping and sniping, but don't like, it should never come to open blows. Yeah. Unless it really needs to and the DM's pushing for it.

And everyone at the table is like salivating and you can sense that. But I think otherwise, no, you got to just like make, you got to Goku and Vegeta it, you know? Yeah. Jenny continues with a third campaign looming on the horizon. Oh my God. How do I prepare for another potential skirmish with Jimmy's character? You need to stop preparing in the shadows and speak to Jimmy.

Yeah, you need to speak to Jimmy and just be like, hey. Prepare by texting Jimmy. You already have a text thread. Could we just not do this? Yeah. Can we play twins this time? Yeah, what if our characters are best friends? Yeah.

But we're like zero drama. Or even just be like, hey, Jimmy. What's your fucking problem? What's your problem with me, Jimmy? I feel like you could say that at this point, but a gentler way would be like, I'm thinking of playing this character. I noticed our last two characters didn't get along.

Just wanted to make sure there were no issues that would be. Is it okay if I play a druid, Jimmy? Jimmy, permission to enjoy myself? Does your guy like hate fucking nature or something? I don't know. Like, just let me know, I guess, ahead of time. A real life heated text exchange because of a game is like one of the worst things I can imagine.

It also feels like, it feels like the defense. I guess it's because we only ever hear it in D&D court, but no one ever says I was being true to my character for the right reason. Sorry, I made my character a piece of shit. You have to play him like a piece of it. I have no choice. Sorry. My character is impulsive and does whatever I think is funniest at the moment.

He's an asshole and he behaves like an asshole. And I wish I could control him, but he's him. I have absolutely no choice. Yeah. My character is a cleric and I heal people because that's what my character would do. Shut the fuck up. I attack your character. Yeah.

My character would do. I would encourage anyone that's like, you know, you're really trying to get in a role play. Jimmy sounds like maybe Jimmy's new to role play. And I feel like if you need a tip for that, it's like facilitate having fun at the table in addition to playing your character. Right. So you're like serving a bigger narrative. You're not just sitting there being like what is, you know, what is the exact thing I want to do in this moment to get attention? I think that you, because there was a heated text exchange already,

I think you have the pretext to just like really openly be like, hey, I would love to play characters this time that don't fight each other. Totally. You can't even reference the text exchange. Hey, just so we're not texting each other under the table. Yeah. Do you think it was under the table and not after? Not over the table?

That is really, really funny. If I were DMing and two people were having an angry text fight. Try to play D&D and I just get hit with that hey dot dot dot text. Yeah. You got to talk to Jimmy and just be like, what can I play here that's going to have it not come to blows, have it not come to text blows. What's not going to rustle your specific jimmies? Yeah, because Jimmy's jimmies are so rustled. Jimmy.

I think, you know what? Obviously, we're anti-Jimmy here. Agreed? I think we've got to bring back DM that kills people and lets them not come to their house to kill Jimmy and for Jimmy not to be welcome back. Yeah, because Jimmy wants to start a fight. Right. Let him let them rip.

Yeah, Allen Collins is going to behead you. Sure. That's really fun. That happens on traitors, I think. Yeah. I haven't seen the show, but I believe there's a lot of swords on the billboards. It's definitely, I've seen a lot of the show. it definitely wants you to think that

Alan Cummings might behead someone. He kind of like, he kind of like struts around intimidating people almost like a like clue villain. Yeah, like at any moment he could pull a dagger out of his killed and just go to town. I mean death is on the table. Death is on the table. I would

say death is on the table with Alan Cummings. All right. Alan Cummings is going to behead you, Jimmy? No, it's just a threat. Alan Cummings is the DM from the first case. So Alan Cummings is the DM from the first case. Alan Cumming is going to DM from Jimmy in the castle.

Yeah, okay. And now death is on the table. It really makes me wonder if any traitor season starts out with Alan Cummings saying, death is on the table. Oh my God. I mean, there's been four seasons of it. It seems like it is kind of an iconic table. So death is on the table.

Murder. That is good. Yeah. Yeah. Consider it for a subtitle. Yeah. We do want writing credit if you guys use that. Yeah, we do.

Yeah, that's, unless you've already used it in which case. Trademark. In which case, did you trademark? Yeah, right. Because it's ours now. Because ours is death comma is on the table. So like you need to make sure you're using the specific. For speaking to death.

Right. We can do a NADPOT executive producer card or title at the end of the show. And beginning. And the beginning. And kind of like as a watermark throughout. Oh, yeah. And if anyone ever curses, if anyone ever curses, you cover their mouth or just all of our faces.

Oh, that's cool. Or a little pawpaw saying rear instead of the curse. Oh, that's so cute. And he says it really loud. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like covers all the other words in the sentence. And then maybe like an ad per nad pod at the bottom one that you can't click out of.

It pulls it up on your phone. It says, hey, Siri, listen to Nadpot. It starts playing Nadpot. It doesn't go to anything. It's just like a picture. It's not the hyperlink. Wow. Perfect.

All right. Cool. So ordered. Reach out. Our next case. We loved you as the Great Gazoo. We actually did. We sure did.

We actually did. Our next case comes from Nolan P. Nolan writes to the sweet justices and the beautiful cherubic bailiff. Wow. Quite lovely indeed. I bring you the case of the overpowered character backstory. I am finally playing in my first D&D campaign. And for my first character, I thought it would be fun to play a wizard who had lost their magic.

My idea for her backstory was that she had essentially been a level 19 wizard who had used the clone spell as a backup plan. in case she was killed, but someone sabotaged it, and her new clone found itself unable to use magic of any kind, forcing her to start over. Mechanically, I would play her as a battlemaster fighter. My intention was not to have an overpowered backstory. I just thought it would be funny to play a character who was in their peak physical condition, but constantly yearned for the good old days when they were a feeble old lady. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. My DM liked the idea and said I could do it. But another longtime player at the table vehemently disagreed. saying it would be unfair, sounds like a Jimmy. Yeah. Saying it would be unfair to have a character who had been so high level in the past, even though I explained that I would not be casting spells at all.

Ultimately, he seemed to think it was a bad character, and I didn't want to rock the boat. So I rolled up a more standard character who I'm having fun with, but I can't help but think the first one would have been fine. I asked the court, was I overreaching with my character backstory, was my fellow player overreacting? I humbly await your decisive judgment. I really think that that was,

So rash. I don't think that they needed. I mean, I would understand. I thought that this was going to culminate in. And then the DM gave me all my spells back. In which case, I would be like, yeah, I do agree that you as a player have to navigate how do I find a new story rather than I just want my spells back into the point where my DM gives me my spells back. Yeah. But I think as long as that, that's on the DM shoulders though. As long as the DM, as long as you're just like, you're playing a battlemaster fighter, it doesn't really make. or what else is happening sort of in your back story. Yeah. A player that you're playing with being able to say that's overpowered.

And then when you argue that it's not overpowered, them just saying that I don't like it. I certainly clocked that the player who was mad was he and that the player character was she. Yeah. I didn't help but notice that. Yeah. Are they just jealous that this person came up with a cool story?

Yeah. I don't think so. I don't know. I mean, I'm trying to think of what you could. So what you could possibly be against is the idea right that the DM would someday give them their spells back. But that's something that's like you cross that bridge when you get there. You can voice your concerns without being like, no. I don't like that idea.

This is vehemently disagreed versus, wait, like level 19, okay, but like how is that going to work if X, Y and Z? I could see them being like, oh, well, like, are you going to know everyone we meet? Yeah. you're going to, like, is it, are you going to be more, like, connected to this world than I am? At which point, the DM could be like, no, I know what I'm doing. Trust me, like, it won't be like that. And you could also be like, no, I'm, like, there's going to be things I don't know. Yeah.

I mean, I always like it when a character has, like, some connection to the world in that way where it's just, it's like a good shortcut to be like, oh, okay, you have a higher history check because of this. Yeah, exactly. Roll on this. So I'll tell you, like, what you remember. And, like, this is just a way for me to get lore out via your character. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So maybe the player was jealous because they're like, damn, that backstory is going to be, that person is going to be narratively important. And I want that for me. As someone who's played people with high investigation and high history, sometimes it does feel like you end up spending your, your time speaking to do more stuff. To be like the plot hound. Yeah.

So it's like it doesn't always feel like, oh, I'm a special character. A lot of times it feels like, okay, time for me to step in because I'm the only one who can roll well for this? Okay, what's the lore we need to write? I get to read the DM's notes instead of the DM reading the DM's notes aloud. You could do that. And then I repeat them. Yeah. So I'm saying that like, you know, like I could see someone saying, oh, that will make them important. But sometimes it really does, doesn't necessarily make your character feel more. Yeah. Yeah. And this other character was clearly just playing Lightning McQueen or something. And they thought that they were being really clever. Yeah. Do you think they like came with like a really bad pitch? And they were like, oh, I was going to play

Okay, it's a matte black Lightning McQueen. So it's kind of an edge Lord McQueen. I'm wondering if they had a character that they thought was like a real badass or something and thought it might undercut to have someone who had like previously been like a super strong magic user or something like that. I'm a paladin, but get this, I'm bad. Hell yeah. I'm a paladin with a car. And I wear a fucking leather jacket.

Do you worship a different God? I attack. I run you over. I run you over with my fucking car. Let's take, okay, so obviously this person is wrong because it's insane to go to someone else and be like, your idea is bad. Yeah. And try to like discourage them before it even gets to the DM, essentially.

That's really weird. But let's take it out of that. I do see some pitfalls to this character idea of like if you as the DM or like the players at the table, if you're trying to be like, you know, for instance, in the first Bohemia campaign, if one of you guys had been like previously level 20 and had previously lived all these experiences, it would take a little bit away to have been like you've already had this whole life as an adventurer. So rather than, you know, the whole group coming together and growing, this person has kind of already done it. Yeah. That's a pitfall. I would say, I would argue, though,

that this person sounded like their pitch for the character was not, I am continuing this character's story, but rather I'm like this clone. It's why I have these memories, but my new story is going to be totally different. That is totally true. Yeah. Then it's kind of on you and on the DM to kind of figure out how to do that balancing act. Yeah. I could see how this could put like a little bit of like a question mark over your head

hearing this idea. Yeah. I think it was like very rude of this person obviously. Right. Yeah, I definitely can understand the question mark, but I feel like you gave the response to be like, no, I actually don't. I want, they're, they're not going to be magical. Yeah. This frankly is just, this dude is not part of this conversation.

It's between you and the DM. So to like weigh in that hard on someone else's character is. Yeah. And like, it's uncouth, frankly. Maybe this guy just wanted like the opportunity to come up with a new character because like, it was like, oh shit, your backstory is really good. I should come up with a better one. But maybe you need to trust your DM a little bit, Dark Paladin, and realize that maybe you'll learn later on that the car you're driving is actually your dead brother. Whoa.

Think about that. So, like, you don't know what the DM's got in store for you. Like, sometimes the lack of lore can lead to better surprises down the line. Though you got to trust your DM to be able to do that. Because otherwise, you might just be like, I'm no one. Yeah. Right. Yeah, your DMs can always make your car your brother.

And that's the magic. Let your DM take the wheel, because in this case, the wheel. wheel is your brother. So obviously we're against this other player, the player who was rude and uncouth. And you know what? I think once again, let's bring back the DM that kills people and has them not be allowed to come to. Alan coming.

Yeah. Alan coming. Oh, you're not. That's his catchphrases, you're not coming. You're not coming. Oh, that's good. You're not coming any more sessions. And then the swish of a guillotine.

Yeah. Yeah. It's off screen. As he real life cuts your head off. it's implied title card produced by nad pop and it plays 15 minutes of a short rest but like starting in the middle so it's like there's an inside joke that you're not caught up it's just talking about grisbee or something us talking about dips bit oh my god talking about not talking about it

Guys, that's bad news. They spelled it nap pod. And it's redirecting to some sort of like sleep deprivation chamber. Whoa. Sleep deprivation? Yeah, yeah. Nap pod. We could buy that.

A sleep deprivation chamber? I cannot think of anything more of a pugniz to me. Wait, it's supposed to be sensory, right? Sleep deprivation. It blasts music and flashes lights while you're in there. I got you. Yeah. I definitely meant to say sensory deprivation.

but then I said sleep deprivation, then I had to like start having up with the reason why. So a torture device. But if you need to get work done, it's like, all right, you don't want to sleep. You got to stay awake. It just plays music. If you're sleeping too well.

Yeah. Yeah. No. To this sleep deprivation channel. Say that like, oh, you want to take a nap, but you don't have time so you can have a pod and you're relaxed with you're awake. It replays every awkward thing you said to somebody during the day.

Yeah. With like a heavy metal base. It makes perfect sense to me. It was not a mental typo. It's smart and good. Trap music regrets. All right, so we're going to put you in a sleep deprivation tank. Called nap pot.

Called nap, nap, nap, that's just terrible advertising. It really sounds like a pod to nap in. Okay, so ordered. Our next case comes from Alan B. To the morally correct judges and the enlightened bailiff jonk. Today, I present you with the case of the ruined pants. I ran a session where the PCs were ambushed by a group of assassins. The assassins were looking for something the party had,

and so we're trying to restrain them whenever possible. At one point in the fight, the bard of the group found themselves tied up and held hostage as a way to leverage the rest of the party to surrender. On the bard's turn, the player had the idea to pretend to die in the hopes that the assassins would walk away, which I admit is not a terrible plan.

I like it. I get the logic. It just also is when you picture it happening. As long as you're already wounded, yeah. I'm imagining a fresh bard in like Jester's captors being like, oh! I fainted to death. I guess also it's so that his captors walk away. Yeah.

It also seems like such a casual reaction. Maybe the captors are bears. I don't know. I will also say as a DM, players never give up ever. And will let their friends be murdered if it means they don't get the last word in. Yeah. Like there is no world where that works ever. Not a terrible plan.

The part where I objected is that to sell it, the bar described falling to the ground and shitting their pants in order to prove that they well and truly died. avoided. Oh, okay, wait. Actually, let me just speak in favor of that. It's actually not, though it sounds very silly. Yeah.

I feel like in a lot of like the grotesque medieval stuff I see, they do show people like discovering someone's dead because they shit themselves. Yeah. Right. And they say, oh, I fucking shat himself. Yeah. And it is kind of dark and gross. That would certainly make the guards drop you, I think.

Yeah. I initially said no. But then the entire table yelled at me and basically bullied me into letting the bard make a performance track to convince me. Why wouldn't you let them do it? Yeah, let them shit. Let them shit, coach. I don't know why that's so, why is that absolutely crazy?

I think, I mean, we're making fun of it, but I do think that like there's, I follow it. I would have given a perception check. I mean, I think they have to make a check regardless if they're trying to fake their own death. Yeah. If you really wanted to be a hard ass, you could be like disadvantage. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Advantage, if anything. If you had already, if your character had already been like stabbed or something and then you're like, I collapse and shit myself, I don't think that's completely, I don't know. I have to be honest, this is also one of the more like, um, mechanical uses of trying to shit yourself, right? Yeah, for sure. Because like in my head, if you're trying to sell that you died and shitting yourself, like,

it would take a lot for me to be like, no, this. person isn't bad. They just shit themselves. You got to understand, we're dealing with like DMs and players that aren't allowing people to play anymore after their character dies. Someone's saying, I shit myself. That's where the bar is.

It's just not, yeah. Frankly, it clears the bar. You can hang out in the green room. You just can't play anymore. Do you mean your bedroom? What are you talking about? Okay, anyway, I set the DC at 25 and judges, they passed. Yeah.

I then had to narrow. their plan working and we moved on from there. But to this day, I still feel that the plan was too cartoonish to work even though all my players still swear up and down that it was an incredibly logical move. Judges, who was right in the situation? The scatilicious

players were the uptight DM. P.S., the barred in question was my then-fiance now wife. Oh, okay. Okay. I thought we were going to have to... Oh, my God. I thought we were going to have

to rule on the side of your ex, fiance. say. Yeah, we're going to divorce court. Yeah, that doesn't make it. I kind of think that like... And this is why the marriage was called off. I kind of think that it's like, kind of just a matter of perspective.

You heard them say, I'm going to shit myself. And then everyone probably laughed and you thought, but I do think that there is a way that you narrate this, that it's like, that it's not like you shit yourself and they walk away. That it's like, they look down and they're like, oh, this lad of shit himself.

Also, it's not cartoonish. It's visceral and it's real. And I feel like you do see people like, you know, getting a Nat 1 and the DM is like, oh, you whiff your sword and shit your pants. Yeah. Like there is a lot of flippant shit. Yeah. But this to sell death. Cartoonish.

This is shitting with gravity. To be fair, maybe this DM doesn't do that. We all do it. But this DM doesn't have so much shitting your pants. That could be the problem, though. There's shit everywhere in this campaign and the DM thinks it's hilarious. But to me, like not. I think the biggest.

miscarriage of justice here is not allowing a role at first. Yeah, I think your players were right. To do a deception check when they do something that's like, sure, it's like a little silly. I'm sure that like Em was saying, I'm sure they laughed when they said I shit myself. But like, I don't know, it's D&D. We're all having fun here. Yeah. It's not that crazy to be like, I'm brutally attacked.

I shit myself as I die. You didn't necessarily disagree with the plan because they said they were going to die. You said that's not a terrible plan. and you objected to the flavor in which they decided to sell it. Yeah, and then you made it a 25, which already is like, bandits just trying to get something off of you. Like in the middle of battle. I don't think it would be that high.

I think if you wanted to be, like, if you wanted to justify a harder thing, I think you would have need to earn it by kind of being like, okay, they're going to do a perception check or they're going to do a medicine check to like against your performance. Yeah. It also wasn't fight ending or game breaking. It would have just eliminated their heart. And they would have had to like fight the players.

So it's not like they used this shit to completely get out of combat or something. And also cartoonish would have been dressing up as a baby or like a barber or something like that and trying to give the guards a haircut to get out of the situation. Or a baby barber. A baby barber would be great because it's like you don't have any hair where you're cutting my hair. That's fun. And then like the guards are distracted and then you're out of there. I have to say like I haven't actually needed a barber before. I would not go to a baby barber.

I will say I understood the baby thing a little bit because you're talking about shitting yourself. I don't know where the barber came. I don't know either. I don't know how colds mind works. I just watched Caldwell's mouth start to talk about a baby barber and was just like picturing that. Okay. Well, I'm just thinking of like things in cartoons because the, the plaintiff said that this was a cartoonish use of deception. And I have to disagree there.

What cartoons have barbers? Which cartoons have barbers, Jake? Which cartoon is that. Bugs Bunny is always dressing up as a barber to try and fool. I will say that does happen. I'm on Carlwell'side here. The man knows tunes. Shave and a haircut two hits, my friend.

I recently saw a little jiff of Popeye giving someone a shave. Yeah. It's always happening. Called Well, I apologize. Thank you. That was like really healing to hear. Yeah. That was really low view.

I'm sorry, man. Let's break bread again, Jake. Okay. So I think that we're ruling against. you and in favor of your wife because like though like you though you can present the idea in a silly way even you yourself admitted it was not a bad plan yeah what would you guys think though like okay let's say that it works right you're a prone body at that point yeah do you think it would be justifiable for the DM to be like it works and then be like as he walks away he

swipes you one last time because I could see a bandit being like this guy's fucking dead and taking like stabbing something into it. Do you think that that being overkill? That would that would border on medigames. Yeah, it's giving first DM that doesn't let people come to his house anymore. You can't see like you can't see a band as though. Like I'm I'm picturing like in a movie. I feel like I could see it happening in a movie.

Definitely kicking. Definitely give them. Yeah. Yeah. Just to confirm that they're dead. Maybe that's what I'm thinking. Yeah. Kick in the side.

It's like a quick kick in the right. In which case that would just be like a. couple damage. That's a 1D8 kick right there. Yeah. If they got like a, what do you call the boots? There's a name for the armored boots. A D8 boot, incredible.

There's got, I mean, yeah, boots of kicking. That's got to be an item you can have. That'd be sick. Okay. So we're going to rule against you and you had to shoot yourself. There it is. See how cartoonish it really is. And you also have to apologize to Caldwell because it felt really good hearing Jake

finally. Finally. We need you to. We need you to corner someone at a party talking about barbers and cartoons and you have shit while shitting yourself. I never acknowledge that you shit yourself. And say I demand an apology for me. Just cornering like flies gathering on your ass as you say. Really?

Charging characters have given someone a haircut. Are you kidding me? Ranting. Ranting about cartoons at a party while you have shit yourself. The stink. Just fills the room is awesome. I encourage anyone. I encourage anyone.

Live a little, okay? Please get out there. Get out there. Okay, so ordered. Our next case comes from Andy Jay. Bonjour, Supreme Crit Justices. And hello to the third best character of Jake and Amir. Appreciate that.

Whoa. I love the ampersand. My favorite character. I present to you the case of the stolen final blow. We were finishing a character arc for one of my players, a rogue. Long story short, the monster that appeared in her nightmares as a kid turned out to be real. So the hunted now became the huntress. The players did fairly well against the monster, and I admit I fudged the HP a bit so that the rogue could deal the final blow.

To build up hype, I said that if she managed to hit it even once, she would kill it. before she could roll, our cleric shouted, wait, I forgot to hit with my spiritual weapon and rolled before we could react. Oh, no. He then bragged about how he killed the monster. Was that a total vibe kill? Or should I have fudged further

to allow my rogue the final blow? Okay, look up spirit weapon. Look up spirit weapon. Because I think that there's a chance that you could have been like not enough to do it. Because if it's just the D8, a regular rogue with a sneak attack is going to be able to add three.

You already gave it away though by being like with the next, if you even hit it. Right. You got it. Right. She's at one HP. Yeah. Like, oh, wait, I forgot.

Yeah. Hold on. Hold on. You've got 9 HP. This is just completely on that other player. Yeah. It really is completely on the other player. Yeah.

It's a social tax thing. It's not on you. You did, I think you did everything you're supposed to do. You set the stakes as the DM. You even like, I fudged, I think, for, forgivably to, for this big narrative moment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There's like a part of me that's like you need to like run a tavern scene where a bunch of like grizzled warriors are like, like, you think it's honorable. Yeah. Oh, the only. I think the only way to get around this maybe would be like, oh, it's immune to radiant damage or something like that. But they probably have already used their spiritual weapon. Yeah. Or the next session, the monster could come to her in a dream again like it did when she was a kid. That's true.

And she could get some kind of like final blow closure then. Oh my God. That's a good idea. Yeah, but also, I mean, I think that I think you did the right thing, right? You just run the risk of it happening again. Yeah, I know. You did the right thing because, like, you never want people to feel like it's getting saved for them. Yeah.

Because then everyone will. So that's why I'm kind of like, look, obviously this other player is the main bad guy. Yeah. But I think the DM messed up. No, really? Messed up. I do. Yeah.

What would you do differently? I would probably not say, and I probably have. said this, so I've probably made this mistake. So I say this as someone who is who's probably done this before. No, but let's say that you've done it. You are in this situation. You say if you hit it even once, you're going to get it. But I think that's the mistake. I think you shouldn't say stuff like that. You got to be more tight-lipped. I think setting the expectations is like good. Like I'll tell you how much HP. Actually, no, that is tough. I've definitely told people how much HP. As soon as somebody else talks, you should just speak. Yeah. We're past your turn. Because once we're going in rules,

Yeah, we're into the next turn. That's true, but that's also the DM's fault, right? Because you could have just been like, what do you mean we forgot to do your weapon thing? It's not your turn. You missed your chance. Like, we didn't forget anything. You forgot. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Maybe that's the move. Especially because they're bragging and they're being a jerk. So you have a reason to like, you know, no, no, no. It's not your turn anymore. Because, you know, 99 times out of 100, if someone says, oh, I forgot to use my bonus action. Could I second win?

I'll say yes. Of course. I don't tear that it's, you know, the next person's turn already. But like if that person was like, ha, ha, I used second wind. You suck. You forgot to do that. I'd be like, fuck you. You didn't use second wind then.

I know the solution here. It's totally fair not to think of this on the moment, but like you should have let their spiritual weapon be part of the rogue's turn. Like basically give them the assist. Oh, God damn. You're good. Yeah. That's such a good move.

Okay. You could be like, okay. If you used it, then I'll let you roll with advantage. Yeah. Their dagger gleams with Holy Light or something like that. Yeah, I think you as the DM do have some power here. Yeah. If it's already the other person's turn, you definitely could have put the cabosh on this.

Yeah. Because it's like when Frog is doing like his final quest and Corona Trigger, you can still help out Frog. You can still catch his blade on fire. Do you think there's a chance that that person would have been like, wait, what? No, I don't give. Yes, I do think that. I actually do damage. It only works on my mace.

but then that person, if that person's going to be really annoying about it, you can be like, well, you forgot to do it on your turn. You're not, it's not your turn anymore. Yeah. But I mean,

ultimately I really don't feel like I can punish you because this other person is so heinous. Yeah. Yeah, they didn't read the room and then they further stopped reading the room by bragging about winning. Yeah. Yeah,

because it happens, right? Because we've never had to fudge any characters HP or whatever because we've had a moment in Nadpod where it's like somebody gets the finishing blow on somebody that is another character's arch enemy and you guys are always giving enough players to be like I like set up moonshine to do this or I set up Bev to do it or hardware or whatever. Yeah, yeah. If you're engaged in the story as a player, you know who should be getting killing, you know or like shining the most in any given battle I think.

So yeah, so this person, this other player is obviously the worst. It's Irfie S, honestly. Yeah, Ryan, he's taking an air of it for you. Do you think that Irfie can be rehabilitated? Whoa. Do you think that, like, a player like this can like... He doesn't need to be perfect. He has 30 strength.

Do you think a player like this that we're hearing about, like, can they change? Maybe. I mean, maybe this is their arc being like, maybe the nightmare monster haunts them now. Yeah. Yeah, I think they can change, but they probably need to hear it. I feel like they need to hear feedback. back.

Yes, exactly. It is kind of like, often in social situations like this, it's easier to just be like, all right, I'm not going to talk to this guy. This guy's being, you know, he's goading. I don't want to deal with it. Should we start a service where we send heated texts to people? Yeah. Oh my God, delegating your heated text.

That's good. Or just add us to the text thread. Yeah. We'll get in there. Yeah. We'll be your guard dog. I will say it is an advantage to play D&D with like a significant other or something because then you could go home and you could be like,

was I a bit much? Yeah, was I, you know? And then you can figure it out from there. If you're never called out on it or never reflect on it, then of course you will never change because you didn't even know that you did anything wrong. Right, right. So like this player probably just thinks it's funny. And it doesn't sound that funny.

No. They went home and they didn't stop bragging. Yeah. They were bragging to their Uber driver. They were talking about how sick it was that they forgot to do stuff on the turn. They're at the quiz note. I forgot. Yeah. Forgetting's not really in, you know, rules is right. And you could just say that they didn't do it. All right. So I, look, here's the thing. I got to be kind of a hard ass here, I think. I think I am going to rule lightly against the DM because I do think you had, you could have taken control of the situation and been like, no, not your turn. I, because you set up, you fudged numbers to get this, but you didn't just say like, dude, relax. It's not your turn.

Right. I think I have to agree. Because you did all of this. this work to orchestrate this moment, but you didn't complete the job. You made the fudge and I got to eat it. You set up the house of cards, then you farted it over. Disgusting. And that's your punishment.

Sorry, just a little bit of Looney Tunes humor. They don't really fart in Looney Tunes. I mean, farting some cartoon characters. I apologize to Caldwell. Yeah, apologize to Caldwell for suggesting that Looney Tunes fart. I'm really sorry.

Have you ever seen Bucks funny? fart? He wouldn't do that. He definitely would not do that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm crying. Jake, apologize. What did I do? I am sorry. I'm sorry for Amble. Caldwell, I'm so sorry for Amble.

Apologize to Murp. Yeah. All right. I apologize to Murp for me. So some people are willing against you, though I understand their reasoning. I just like am feeling mad at this one play. Yeah. I'm willing against the spiritual.

weapon. The one player's the worst for sure. Yes. So are we doing dual punishment here? Yeah, I think we could do light punishments. Maybe you don't have to shit a baby barber. Yeah, you have to go to a baby barber. You don't have to shit yourself. I think that I actually would argue that a baby barber would be so dangerous. So dangerous. Because I think you would get cut in your face. Well, I think they have to use safety scissors for their own safety. So they're using them on you. Safety scissors? Like children, like what they? Children's scissors. Yeah. Children's scissors wouldn't do anything on your hair. They still cut hair. Trust me,

safety scissors can still cut hair. I was thinking of a barber does like, um, shaves your face. Oh, yeah. So I was like, you couldn't get a straight edge

shave from a safety. Probably couldn't get a straight edge on the safety scissors. Okay. Okay. So not a baby with a straight edge. Yeah. But the other,

the player will have a baby with a straight edge. Unless it's, unless it's BB Todd, which is the baby Sweeney Todd. And then they would have a little baby straight razor. Okay. For a second, I was like,

is that a real character? obviously. Yeah. Obviously. He just said it such confidence. That's how you have to live your life here. Apologize to me. I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, Carlisle. It was the most healing when Jake said it. And I think it's just because it was like we needed it for the longest. Yeah. I needed that W. All right, Jake, next case. Our next case comes from Matthew S. To the honorable justices and that handsome slash weird depending on the justice's mood.

guy in the corner. Hey, why can't you be both? I can be both. And that's loafly. I present the case of the invincible rats. I played a swarmkeeper ranger in a level 15 one shot, flavored after the Pied Piper with rats as my swarm. Cool.

The one shot concluded with a PVP contest where we were trying to get a gift card out of an indestructible barrel. Oh, I thought I meant like in real life. And I was like, that sounds really fun. That's cool. All right. Well, that's where we're going to session. Now, let's rassel.

Yeah, dude. I had found the barrel and was carrying it up a rope trick under one arm. At the end of my turn, I used my swarm to give me a flying speed in order to avoid falling, describing it as the rats, grabbing the rope and creating a rat chain platform. Okay. One of the players tried to frighten everyone in the area. And after they had rolled their saving throws, he said, but what about the rats? My brother, who was DMing, and I tried to explain that the rats were just a feature of my subclass

and weren't really separate entities. so they couldn't be frightened. After some arguing from the player, he eventually moved on and we assumed that was the end of it. On the player's next turn, he tried to attack the rats in an attempt to make me fall off the rope.

We once again explained that they weren't separate creatures and couldn't be hurt. The other players got upset and shouted, so you're saying the rats are gods? After a lot of laughing from everyone, we eventually got him to stop going after the rats and try something else,

although he was still in a pissy mood for a while after that. I asked the court, were my brother and I correct that you can't target a swarm or was our friend correct that we incorrectly made the rats? This makes me think of when you first start playing D&D and you're like, okay, I attack. I punch him in the knee. And you're like, can I attack his arms so he can't hit us anymore?

And the DM's like, no. And you're like, why not? That's what I would do in a fight. Like it's very logical to you. Yeah, yeah. But it's like there's mechanics that you kind of have to surrender to. Right. I go into fallout mode and I target the arm.

I'm looking at the rules right here. Okay, okay. Just if we want to get the raw out of the way, a swarm of intangible nature spirits has bonded. Oh, okay. While you're alive, the swarm remains in your space, crawling on you or flying and skittering around you within your space. Right, so you're basically made of rats.

Yeah. They're not going to be. The rats are your stand. They're intangible nature spirits, although, okay, oh, got you. All right, so this person did a rope trick, and they described as flavor the rats doing a rat trick and holding them up. Because I am like, well, if they're intangible nature spirits, how are they holding you up? But that's just flavor. So I think you could have maybe done a better job of describing this to the other players.

Because, again, even just looking at literally the first sentence of gathered swarm answers this and ties it up. It's literally just like, just tell them they're intangible. nature spirits. Yeah. Instead of just saying, they're from my subclass. Because if you say they're from my subclass, you could still be like, well, yeah, there's like familiars from people's subclasses. You can knock those out.

I feel like I take umbrage with it being an intangible spirit swarm, but that's neither here nor there. Really? Why? I just feel like that happens a lot. I feel like they changed Beastmaster to be that like you're always summoning like a spectral companion as opposed to like befriending like an actual animal. And I guess like you can solve that flavor-wise.

But I think it does, it's obviously put in there to be like, oh, if you have an attachment to this animal you can always re-summon it and stuff like that. So they're kind of basically being like everyone who wants to play like a beast master ranger loves animals and doesn't want to lose their. Yeah, which makes sense. It's like you don't want to have your whole character be like dependent on like this 10 HP fox or something. Yeah. Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. But I also hear where you're coming from. Right. I just I feel like so it's a very different thing to have like to have a spiritual mass of rats is very different to me than like having an actual group of rats that follows you around.

They're not ungodlike. The rats are gods. You could have just been like, yes. They are. They're angels. Yeah. They're minions of God. They're baby angels.

But I am actually really hung up on the umbrage that you took. Yeah. Because I think I kind of share it. There's got to be a way to give the person the sense of I found a beast and bonded it and I'm playing a beastmaster ranger. Right. But I would say I think you can do that, you know, like Caldow was saying with flavor by being like, you meet this animal.

and now you have a magical bond to it and now it makes it so it ages slower because it's bonded to you and if it dies you can resurrect it with a long rest because you have this connection to it, you know what I mean? Like there's ways to do that. You've bonded with this pile of rats. Yeah, I...

Or maybe, yeah, that's so hard. Okay, anyways, I won't get it distracted because now I'm really thinking about... I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about it. Yeah. It's also like there are storm stats. I feel like you should be able to like use those. I'm like, I don't know. I mean, I understand why the deep...

or why the player would think that there should be a role for the rats is what I'm saying. Yeah, but I think that they, I mean, you guys had such a good, you had such, all the evidence was in your favor. You should have just confidently read the rules to them. Right. Yeah, I guess I'm, yeah, the only thing I take umbrage with is that you just kept saying it's part of the subclass, which I would be confused if I was a new player. I would just be like, what do you mean you just have invincible rat? Like, they're kind of right. What's a subclass?

Especially since they're laughing about it and everything. I do kind of relate to that to just being like, what do you mean? They might not even know what a rope trick is. So they're like, what are these magic rats that you have? You can't hear my rats. You have magic rats and invisible ropes?

What the fuck is going on with you? No, your arrows pass right through my rats. If you just did a timeout and we're like, there are a swarm of intangible nature spirits, saying they appear as rats, all would have been solved. This is just for fun flavor. Yeah.

This is a rope trick spell. It is a spell. I'm saying that this is happening, but in reality what is happening is what the spell says. They're baby toteros, okay? Just think of them. They're baby toteros.

You can't touch them. You can only see them you're very young. They're brought to life by my force of will. Yeah. I mean, even like Em was saying before, there is that confusing moment

when you start playing where you're like, can I attack its elbow so it drops its axe or whatever? And I think instead of just being like, no, you can't do that. The proper way to respond to that is probably to be like, well, we assume that when you make your attack role, you are attacking strategically. So like getting a critical hit would be doing something like that.

And that's why you get more damage. But mechanically, you can't actually be like, I try to chop his hand off or anything like that. And I feel like it doesn't that. You as a player don't even really understand that until like the second battle when you see everything in action. Because then you're like, oh, if I could just attack their elbow and they would drop their sword, the same thing would happen to me. And then every battle would just be so awful. Hitting each other in the elbow going, oh, oh God. Yeah.

Oh, God, my sword. Describing fencing, I think. Oh, my freaking elbow. Yeah. I think a quick pull-up of D&D Beyond would have stopped all fighting. Right. Just let them read the card instead of explaining to them. Yeah.

It's part of the subclass. Is this why you won't let me play my elbow biter subclass that I made? Yeah. You did keep saying it's part of my subclass and not explaining yourself. But maybe they did explain themselves and they're just keeping it. brief for the submission, which we appreciate. I guess if anything, what we're saying is, like, though it sounds like this person was being dismissive, I think it's like a little bit, if there was somewhat new to D&D,

I think it's a little bit more understandable that they might have gotten confused by the flavor and needed a firmer explanation. Right. But it's also, in fairness, it's a hard concept to grasp. But also, like, they should have dropped it. Yeah. They're not God. They are slivers of God's infinite grace.

Yeah. That's the distinction. Yeah, I think you maybe could have been a little clearer with them, but overall they are wrong, obviously. Yeah, they're wrong. So I guess we'll punish them by filling their house with slippers of a rack on. Yeah, yeah, real rats. Real rats that they can't target, so they would be happy. Oh, okay.

Yeah, since they love targeting real rats so much. But they're gods, but they're rats that have been blessed by a priest. They've been baptized. Good for them. Have they eaten communion wafers? They haven't. Did you all have that where you could get your pets blessed? No.

Yes. Definitely. Okay. Did you ever get a pet blessed? I think so, yeah. I think we definitely got one of our dogs blessed. You did, Mer? I think so.

I think it was just like a church thing that you just went and did. It's got a fun of the blessing of the pets. As you know, I didn't go to church. I didn't have like a family church. So I'm, I don't have like a super visceral memory of it. I remember it being a thing at the church. Sure. We had a dog.

I assume we got a dog blessed. Were you going to knock at your dog list? What are you going to knock at dog list? No, I think I wonder, because I got baptized, like, way late because I was just going to church to hang out with some friends. Sure. But then at a certain point, they're like, we have to baptize you. So I got, like, baptized as, like, a teenager. You're coming around here too much.

Yeah. So I got baptized as, like, a teenager. I'm trying to remember if there was, like, a dog in the time. It's different. It might have been busy Sunday. It felt like a- The dogs don't get baptized. They get blessed.

I remember feeling like. like it felt like it felt less formal it was almost like we got here's a couple people we got the dogs the dogs don't there's a difference between getting baptized and getting blessed oh really blessed is just like a little thing this is a great if you ever need an excuse for something that no one's going to follow up on just be like hey i can't do it this weekend i got to get my dog baptized i need my dog to know christ wait so when they get blessed though what are they doing i think it's just like you know knows so that God and the Holy Spirit will watch over them.

Hit you with some holy water. They got like that little device that splashed you. Yeah, but you get dipped in. It's just a little dip for them. I didn't get dip. I got trickled. It ran down my face. We were a trickling trickling.

And I remember not knowing if I could wipe it off or not. Yeah, you probably shouldn't. He let it back. Because I was just a kid that wandered in off the street. I let it air dry. Yeah. I let it air dry. They're too, you know, it's like a square.

A square is a rectangle, but a rectangle did I get dog blessed? No, you didn't get baptized. I got dog blessed. No, no, no. M? Oh,

Hey, M. Square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not a square. You have to think back. A baptism is a blessing, but a blessing is not necessarily a baptism. Merv's right, but do think back, were there any dogs?

Were there any dogs up there? That's what I'm trying to remember. Did they pat your head? I was really distracted. This would keep the fleas off of you? I was 13 years old and there was water dripping down my face in front of everyone that I didn't know if I could wipe it off. This is so important with somebody holding a turtle.

Were you wearing a tiny dog jacket? I think so. I got a treat afterwards. You got a treat? Yeah. It was it like a cupcake. It looked like a cookie, but then it wasn't sweet. It kind of tastes like, no.

That was a dog biscuit. It tastes like peanut butter. Yeah. If it was peanut butter, then it was there. Was there medicine in there? Were your parents trying to give you medicine? There was. I had to spit out of a pill.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, Doug bless you. Yeah. Well, I'm with that. And speaking of blessing.

Yeah. Why don't we step into church for a confession? Wait, but really, my baptism wasn't a baptism. It was a dog. They only, I think they dip babies into the water. Yeah. The, like, adults get, you just get, like, a little water. Or sometimes they'll, like, dump you in, like, a freaking pool.

But it's also, you say, got a little water, and that's also what dogs get. Dogs, you... Dogs just get a wave of the hand, I think. You could. The dogs might get a little water. I'll be honest. They might get a little water. I think that's, like, up to the...

priest discretion. I would think that's baseline. The dog should get some water. I think I think the dog maybe gets a little water. They might try to lap it up though is the thing. Yeah. And we'll know it's My parrot was bar mitzvood as a child. They have like a little. I can imagine them being able to parents live for a while to be able to. But they could also teach them the Torah. Sure. They could recite a half Torah for sure. Yeah. I would hangu. All right. With that, we must move on. Okay. Enough sacrilege. My forehead feels dirty now that I know I was dog.

You're a dog blessed? Yeah, I wasn't baptized. I was dog bless. Yeah. Okay. Dear disciples. Much less popular sequel to Spotlight. A baptism is a dog blessing, but a dog blessing is not necessarily a baptism.

That's what's written on the board of Spotlight too. I know my parents weren't there, okay? Because they thought it was weird that I was going to. The whole thing, I mean, it took place. I'm going to be honest, time prove them right. I mean, it took place at a pet shelter. So maybe, yeah, I am starting to be convinced you that you did get dog blessed. You got a dog baptism.

All right. Jake, take it away. This confession comes from Malia B. Dear Disciples of Dice Christ, last year, I began playing a true D&D campaign for the first time. Nice. For the first few sessions, I borrowed whatever dice my spouse had lying around the house until I could buy some unique dice of my own. About four sessions in, my half-or-college of swords barred

was landing some truly wild hits in combat. I was hitting every time and rolled two Nat-20s in a row. I even rolled the third Nat-20 later in combat, but fearing my fellow players would accuse me of cheating, I lied and said it was a dirty 20 instead. However, this is not the main source of my guilt. After the session, I realized that the dye I had been rolling that had been rolling so well was not a traditional D-20,

but a magically gathering countdown die. I'm sure most of you all know what that means with the amount of MTG references I've heard. But for clarity, this means the high numbers are clustered on one side of the die and the low numbers on the other. I genuinely didn't realize this at the time and I tried to justify it by telling myself

I was still giving the dye a good shake in my hands before rolling so it was quote, random enough. I've since taken that dice out of play and my campaign is still going strong. However, both of these sins still eat away me. Will Dice Christ absolve me of this sin or must I spend time in Dice Pergatory? No, I think you're totally fine. I think this is an innocent mistake and I would imagine that

a Magic Gathering die would only be strategic if you knew it was and were positioning it in your hands. You would need to be such a sick dice guy to be able to make it land where you wanted, even with it like kind of loaded on the one side. Your nickname would have to be fingers. Yeah. Only if your nickname is fined. And I don't think it is. Stinky fingers. Yeah, you took it out. As long as your name's not stinky fingers,

then I think you're fine. Yeah, and I think I said the name was Malia B. Yeah, that's not sending you. You're fine. Yeah. Come here. Give us your forehead. We'll give you a little blessing.

Yeah. And this tiny little treat. Here you go. Good. Good. Yeah. Okay. So I understand why theoretically the dice are.

different, but unless you really know what you're doing, there's no, it is still pretty, pretty damn random. Yeah. I would say that this is Magic the Gatherings fault. Like, why introduce a dice like this? It's just so easy. It would be such a hassle to count down from 20 if you could easily. And just look for random numbers.

Yeah. Like all of the dice. But I guess you could just use like a little like counting circle or something like that. I think there's just other methods. Like you've introduced a dice that's just there to confuse people. Yeah. Caldall's just not a gamer. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. You're not a gamer, dude. I'm sorry. You just understand. Get your head out of the tunes and into the games. Yeah. I guess it's my time to apologize. There it is.

Everyone, get over here. I'm giving you a haircut. All right. And also a little less. Who gave that baby a switchblade? I think you've done everything right here. As soon as you realize you switched the dice. You know, you could have been, obviously,

you were rolling more 20s than maybe you would have otherwise, but you didn't know. You're all good. Yeah, you just didn't know. And I think that you're like, I tried to comfort myself by being like, I didn't know where it was. There was randomness. I think that you're right.

If you weren't like, yeah, I think you're good. You didn't know, child. You didn't know. You didn't know. I don't know what this is a reference to. I guess an Irish priest. Sure. If someone does an Irish accent, I have to get in on it.

I can't help yourself. Oh, bless your dog. That was a really bad. That was a bad, bad accent. It sounded like a threat. The most Irish amongst us. Yeah. Oh, bless your spot.

Perry Keekin. Get out of my house. Yeah. All right. And with that, with that, we'll go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. You can head on over to our Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash Nadpod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. Don't sing yet. We'll do it. Don't do it. To listen to our bonus cases.

In the meantime, we've got some shows to plug. Oh, yeah. That's right. You can see us on April 10th in New York City. We're going to be at Radio City Music Hall. And then on, before that, on March 16th, we're going to be at Sydney Opera House in Australia. that is our only show in Australia. So if you want to see us there, that is your opportunity. Get those tickets now.

Nadpod.com slash live. We're putting all of our power into the Sydney show. It's like Goku style. And they just released some boxes. Some special opera boxes over the Sydney show. So get them while you can.

That's so neat. With that, we'll go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. You can follow us on social media that remir or may not use at Cajvers me at Caldwell. expert's Emily and at Jake Hurw. It's Jake Hurw. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag

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And I'm Jason Offoallo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgy you had once, or even a show you're loving,

and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.