Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Polymorph Romance, Cruel Rakshasas and The Problem with Jaguar Johnny

Episode Date: April 25, 2025

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Also Hurwitz I Guess, as well as the Flawless Bailiff Axford as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Lyon (Watch Trevor's Short Film Here!)Dungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon minutes, but we are back. We are Supreme Crit Justices, Murphy, Tanner. Kills me to say this. Come on. Come on. Hurwitz. This ended the bench.

It just threw, you know. I deserve your respect. Pure happenstance, really. I don't like him, but he gets results. Yeah, I. He showed up before everyone else. I guess so, yeah. Okay, I don't like it, but I have to respect it.

I have all rise. He brings a bag lunch so that he doesn't even have to leave for lunch. Yeah, true. He dry cleans his own robes, which I think is nice. Yeah, he's got squatter's rights. Yeah, I was gonna say, I think it might be he's staking out the chair and doesn't wanna give it away.

I haven't left the court since last time. Yeah, and then we have the wonderful, talented bailiff, Emily Axford. What the fuck? Amazing. What? A joy to see you. What? Come on.

I think your wife is lowly, dude. What? Hey! You better be happy you're in New York. Stay there, right? Sorry, Murph. I have to fight for his right to say that. Yeah.

I honestly love it. I don't like it, but god damn it. He can call your wife a piece of shit if he wants to. He's on the bench now. And with that, we will move into Crit. Hear ye, hear ye, Crit is now in session. Honorable Justices Tanner, Hurwitz, and Murphy presiding. Our first case comes from Francisco S.

To the highly esteemed Justices Murphy and Tanner, the glorious Bailiff Axford and the lowly- Whoa, they're all doing it? Okay, tie goes to Francisco. This is what we like. That was kind of perfect timing. Yeah, perfect. Good on you, Francisco.

I bring to you the case of the polymorphed immaculate conception. Okay. A handful of years ago, I was DMing a homebrew campaign for a group of friends. One of these friends, let's call her Jake, fell victim to a polymorph spell outside of combat and turned into a chicken.

The party decided to simply wait it out until the polymorph ended. And they did this at a local tavern. I had the party roll a group persuasion for the tavern owner to allow a chicken into its tavern after all it is a business with a health score to be mindful of. They failed this due to remarkably bad rolls which left Jake outside with the other chickens while the rest of the party caused drama inside. In an effort for Jake to not feel left out of fun RP, I improv'd a scene with the other chickens

and farm animals outside. Jake was having a blast getting to know these other animals and their stories. What? Let's call this chicken Jack. Yeah. Let's call the chicken Jack, right? Well, this chicken seems cool, so we should call it Jack.

Just as Jake, or Jack, fell in love with one of the roosters, she mentioned how much she admired the difficulties this rooster had overcome. I don't think Polymorph allows you to like innately understand other animals, but I do like this, I guess. And was fully invested in his happiness and desire for a family. She then asked Role to see if she could lay an egg

for this rooster to have a family. And I said, no. The table erupted and after many expletives and a few small thrown objects, I said, Roll a D20 and a D10. And this would only happen on a Nat 20 and a Nat 10. Justices, she did it. Holy fuck.

The table lost their goddamn mind. I was baffled. My players began chanting, Jake egg, Jake egg. Justices, I did not want a Jake egg and I assure you no one wants a Jake egg. I then realized that Jake was outside for much longer than an hour in game and the polymorph should have ended well before this moment. I ruled that there would be no Jake egg

and my table still begrudges me to this day. So I ask the highest court of the land. Was I wrong to deprive my table of their Jake egg? Okay, let's get Murph's wrong opinion out of the way real quick. Wait, hang on. Hang on. First off, how dare you? That is so funny. Absolutely how dare you. I need to remember to call that back in the future. I'm writing it on top of my dungeon's quite down. I was so nice to you at the beginning of this, Emily.

I offered to fly across the country and pick Jake's ass for you. First off, I'd like to ask Murph's wrong opinion out of the way. This is not a thing. This is not going to be a thing. It's not okay when we're mean to me on this show. Earmatch to call back. Right. Okay.

The lowly justice and the bitter justice. My opinion. Yeah. I'm going to call back. I'm going to call back. I'm going to call back. I'm going to call back. I'm going to call back. I'm going to call back. I'm going to call back. is not going to be a thing. It's not okay when we're mean to me on this show. You're much too call back.

Right. Okay. The lowly justice and the bitter justice. My opinion is actually. Let the wrong man speak. Everyone shut the fuck up. I'm right all the goddamn time. Here's what I'll say.

Once you start playing in Looney Tunes world, you gotta keep playing in Looney Tunes world, you gotta keep playing in Looney Tunes world. You have established this already. So I actually am pro these players to maybe people's surprise, because I think you already introduced, you had the rooster come out and give a sob story about wanting a family.

You had, and I think the right instinct to kind of be like, you know, you want this player to still have things to do. Being polymorphed in an animal does not mean that you then have to run like a Riverdale-esque drama with a bunch of chickens. And you've done that, so you have to keep going. But you're onto something here with a sexy Charlotte's web on the CW.

Yeah. Really make that work. Oh, wow. Oh, get a reboot. Charlotte's web online. We'll just call it, we'll work. Oh, wow. Charlotte's Web on the CW. We'll just call it, no, they'll just call it Charlotte. Yes. That's cool.

Yeah. Oh, and it takes place in Charlotte, North Carolina. Wow. That's so funky. The sexiest place in America. It's like a girl, but she represents Charlotte. Right. Of Charlotte's Web.

Oh, or it's called Charlotte's Web, but it's like she's a scene on her phone. No, I think no. Charlotte, Charlotte is, I think we gotta stick to the book a little bit. Charlotte was murdered. Oh. And now they're uncovering what happened here.

A web of lies. Yes. Wow. Oh my gosh. This rocks. And when she was alive. And it also takes place in Charlotte. When she was alive, yeah, it also takes place in Charlotte.

And good Charlotte does the soundtrack. Oh, good Charlotte, yeah, of course. You got it. Oh, sick. Hey, good Charlotte does the soundtrack. Oh, good Charlotte. Yeah, of course. You got it. Oh, sick. Yeah. I think this is incredible. I don't even, I don't remember what show we're doing right now, but this is an incredible idea.

Oh yeah. This is total tank now. Yeah, let's lock that down. Let's glaze this idea real quick. For all of my Jake eggs. But what are your guys' wrong opinions? I actually, I agree with you until you said polymorphing your player doesn't mean you have to run

a Riverdale of animals. And that's where I actually started to divert from your opinion. Sure, okay. So I guess I'm a little confused here because she laid the egg and did she want the egg to like just miraculously have a baby chicken inside to present to this rooster?

Is that what the role was for? I think that the rooster would have to, oh yeah. Or did they fuck? Did she fuck in chicken forms? Do chickens fuck? I don't know how this works. How does a chicken egg get fertilized? I don't wanna Google do chickens fuck.

You don't have to, man. I'm telling you, they do fuck. They certainly do. Yeah, no, it's not like-. You don't have to, man. I'm telling you, they do fuck. They certainly do. Yeah, no, it's not like- They cluck and they fuck, man. The way that she presented it was almost as if like, it was fish rules when she laid the egg and then the male fish fertilizes it.

Yes. I don't think is what's happening here. Okay, but- Okay, wait, I've got the info. Thank you. Roosters fertilize hens through a process called cloacal kiss. This involves the rooster pressing his cloaca to the hands cloaca transferring sperm.

I'm looking at the cloacal kiss and yes. It sounds like fucking to me. It looks like fucking to me. Do we know though because humans can get inseminated in multiple ways. Sure, of course. So could this egg, can a rooster shoot a load on an A? I think you need a syringe.

The thing is it can happen because Jake rolled a nat 20 and a nat 10. Like the DM set the stakes. Yeah. Oh, that's true. Yeah, why am I not even concerned? You were like roll a 20, roll a 10 and that happened. And then you can't win on that.

You're trying to backpedal out and get out on a technicality. We have always said, in my correct opinion, I'll say that don't ask for a roll for something that you don't want to happen. Because your players will roll in that 20. It will happen. And I think you've got like a really tragic story brewing

here where like you lay this egg, it starts to hatch and then like you hug this rooster, you like nuzzle your beaks together and then all of a sudden you transform back into a human and you're ripped away from that life. And then you're like, I actually am not attracted to this rooster anymore. Yeah.

It's a world of sense. And the rooster's like, B'gok, what about our cloacal kiss? Yeah. Did that mean nothing to you? It was only a kiss. In that event, if I know D&D players, your party's gonna have a rooster and a fertilized egg now.

Right, oh yeah, you're checking in on them. They're gonna scoop them. Mm-hmm, that's your family now. By having like a rooster drama outside and having the polymorphed chicken be able to talk to everyone, it's already Looney Tunes, right? It's like being like, Road Runner Wile E. Coyote.

Okay, I'll allow you to draw a road on a wall and run through it, but falling off the cliff after walking on air, that doesn't make any sense. It's all fucking cartoons. I hate to say this, DM, but this is Zazzlaw behavior trying to shut down the Looney Tunes like this. Once the Looney Tunes are out of the water tower, you gotta let them out, gotta let them do their thing.

Yes, you have released the Animaniacs from the Warner Tower. Right. And you gotta let it run its course, it's true. These episodes are only 11 minutes long, just let it play out and then get back to work. I also think that Chloe Colkis sounds like a WB. Like a S.I.. Like a special show.

Well, that can come on after Charlotte's Web. Which is like a little bit more mainstream. I feel like Chloe Cool Kiss is maybe not hitting. Yeah. With audiences as hard. It needs that Charlotte lead in. Yeah, it needs that Charlotte lead in. Yeah.

Charlotte was murdered and is left behind a web of clues. CW presents a show that's for the birds. Yeah. So let me be clear. I would have shut this down, I think, a while back for me. So I think that we've also set the precedent that if a DM allows too many shenanigans, that is their bed and they do have to lie in it.

You know what I mean? You have to clow-acal-kiss it. You do have to clow-. You know what I mean? You have to Chloe Akle kiss it. You do have to Chloe Akle kiss this idea. So I think unfortunately, as much as we loved all the stuff you said up top about Jake, and as offended as you were on my behalf when Caldwell said that mean thing to me,

that was frankly uncalled for. I do think I have to rule against you and with the players, cause I think you set it up and it's just like, the players are already having fun, you're already in this cartoon world, you gotta deliver now at this point. And it's just, what are they gonna get out of it? An egg, they're gonna get a chicken that's fine.

Would it be nice, could we even just sentence them to give Jake their egg now even though they're a human? Oh yeah, a delayed egg. Oh, they have to like care for this little chick. Yeah. And I also think that chickens are probably just allowed in medieval taverns. I think that would probably have just been fine.

Yeah, that's true. Absolutely. Do you think that this chicken is going to retain some human memories or maybe be a half human hybrid? I think let's just keep it to being a chicken. Oh, that's such a good question. Okay, actually-

I like the idea of giving them an egg and then having it hatch and be an abyssal chicken. You guys want an abyssal chicken? Yeah. That's interesting. Bring it back. You could turn this, if you would like to take this

and turn this on your players, you can. Yeah, I think you can do that. I mean, it's not fair, but you can. Yeah, yes. I think you've got a great new DM NPC named Chicken Boy, who's gonna be following you. Okay, yeah, I definitely sentence you to Chicken Boy, who's going to be following you. Okay, yeah. I definitely sentence you to Chicken Boy. To playing Chicken Boy as the NPC that you are stuck as now.

Duck! Where are we going, Mom? Oh yeah, you just make the worst NPC in the world who flops at you. Your players won't want him anymore. And I think you're also sentenced to, you can never target chicken boy in battle. Oh no. He's immune. So much plot armor. Okay. So ordered then, chicken boy DMPC.

Next up we have Reagan S. To the benevolent justices and bountiful bailiff, I present before the court, the case of slurping a god. I was playing in my first long-term campaign. The main plot of the campaign was to find godlike creatures that represent the elements called Genasi in this homebrew world. We had to find them before the BBEG could find them

and steal their power. After finding one of the Genasi who represented wind and wisdom, he gave us a large exp one of the Genasi who represented wind and wisdom, he gave us a large exposition on the Genasi themselves and how they worked to uphold the balance of the world. Once the Genasi had finished dropping all this juicy fantasy world lore, he suddenly and with no warning turned himself into a Chalice. The Chalice was just sitting there on the throne in the middle of the room. Nothing else was happening.

After some deliberation from our party, I went up to the chalice, saw that there was some glowing liquid inside and decided to drink it. When the DM asked how much, I said about a quarter of it. After consuming the godly goo, I was told that my character's head reared back and my mouth opened to release the sounds

of a thousands upon thousands of screams. It was after this that my character was pronounced dead with no roles of any kind made. I assumed this cup was meant for me as a large part of my character was about collecting knowledge. And at an earlier part in the campaign, our group solved a riddle by answering

what our biggest strength was. My character's correct answer was wisdom. I ask you judges, was it a sin to slurp or was I good to gulp? P.S. my character was later revived and this campaign was spectacular, but we still do argue about the decision to drink the divine juice almost five years later.

Wow. I think you were good to gulp. Yeah, G2G. Yeah. Yeah. I think you were good to gulp. Yeah, G2G. Yeah. I think my biggest issue with this is that why would you be drinking a wind god? That's not something that you drink. I don't understand why the wind god's that god.

I think wisdom could be associated with water. Sure, yeah. I could see that. It was like an air genasi, so it is like why you should smoke that god. Yeah, right. Or inhale it through a balloon. Yeah.

Yeah. One's maybe cooler than the other, but we can agree. You see the God transforms into a paint can. Into a balloon. What do you do? I guess I suck up the balloon. I don't feel any different. Yeah.

So I think the weirdest thing about all of this is just the God abruptly turning into a chalice and then your DM whomping you through nothing. Yeah, I almost wondered from, based on how it went down, because they asked you how much did you drink rather than being like, are you sure you wanna do that? Or rather than expressing any surprise,

it makes me wonder if this was a setup. Yeah, well you also didn't drink that much when the DM said how much did you drink? You said a quarter of it. Yeah. That's this was a setup. Yeah, well, you also didn't drink that much when the DM said, how much did you drink? You said a quarter of it. Yeah. That's like not a lot. I would have been like, I drank the whole fucking thing. You just left a chalice here.

I thought I was supposed to. I'm supposed to drink deep from wisdom. Yeah, communions with gods are like a thing in religion. Yeah. No save, just the scream of a thousand times. You gotta do a save. And I think that a lot of DMs, I think in the interest of avoiding,

or out of fear of trying to avoid metagaming, don't set up stakes properly. And it's almost always better to add the gameplay into it. Cause then everyone knows what the buy-in is and stuff like that. It's like, you're gonna drink from this chalice? Okay. This is gonna be a pretty profound wisdom saving throw

to handle this rush of wisdom in the gods. And I'm telling you right now, there is a chance this will result in death. And that would be like a big moment at the table. Everyone like, you know, sweaty palms deciding if like you can handle this. And then you try to make a save. And then if your character dies or something bad happens,

it feels cool as opposed to this bullshit, which is like, there's no way of knowing what you're supposed to do with this chalice. It just appeared out of nowhere. And then apparently you weren't supposed to drink it and you don't even get a save. This is like the worst of all worlds. Your death is just narrated to you.

Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to wrap my head around if there's ever a time where it's funny to be like, your character dies, just nothing. Where it's earned. Like, is it just if a player does something so nuts that you're like- I mean, a power word kill technically kind of does that

if you have less than a hundred HP. Well, I'm not talking about a spell. I'm talking about like a moment in which a DM could do that. Is there an earned one? The closest thing is campaign one. When what happened to Beverly's character? Did Murph make you roll a, he let you roll a card, right? But I think that, I think that,

and also Murph rolled the damage. Yeah. Rolled the damage of falling. Yeah, you did a dex save to not get thrown off of the tower. Oh yeah. And then we rolled all the damage. I was like, and that was me setting up the stakes. Even at that time, I was like a newer DM,

but I was like, if I just say Beverly is dead, everyone at the table will be mad at me. All of the listeners will be mad at me. But it will be this tense situation if I'm like, hey, Bev's got 40 HP. If he takes 80 damage, he's dead, flat. And that makes it more, we set the stakes there. And also, you gave me multiple chances to not do that.

I was gonna say. There were multiple warnings. And then you let me roll for it, there was a dex save. It was very fair. I had like 12 strikes. This would be like, if the Bev equivalent of that would be like, trying to huff the god while the god was still there.

And I still think I would give Bev a constitution saving throw. I'd be like, Bev swallowed the god, now Bev needs to make a constitution. And it's not out of the question, like a god made of wind that is like the embodiment of wisdom. It's like, yeah, I'm gonna try and smoke that shit. Yeah, try to smoke the god, and then you have to do

a really hard wisdom saving throw. Yeah, I get one of those weed volcanoes, and I get gonna try and smoke that shit. Yeah, try to smoke the God and then you have to do a really hard wisdom saving throw. Yeah, I get one of those weed volcanoes and I get the God in the little bag and I'm trying to inhale it. You know what might be true too is that oftentimes, and this is not always the case, but oftentimes it's more fun to play a character that has been cursed by their own actions than to just reroll a new character

because the character died from their own actions. Because it's such a good learning moment. I feel like it kind of set Bev on a weird path. Yeah. Yeah, it gave you guys an excuse to like go to the next city to go to the later on where your family's from. But you know, as far as this, yeah, not giving your players any hint as to what to do sucks.

And it should have been a tempting thing. It should have been like, I can give you this, but it may come with some kind of side effects or you may not survive. And like good luck getting your players to interact with anything you put in front of them from now on. Yeah, I would just never touch any, literally I would just never touch anything ever again.

Oh, will I just be dead? Will you just murder my death and I'll have to roll a new cure? Oh, there's a sword in the stone. Is lightning just gonna shoot out of the sky and hit it like a lightning rod and then I'm just gonna fucking die for no reason? The sword stays in the stone. Because you love to do that.

Why didn't you drink the sword? You're supposed to drink the sword. I'm gonna go talk to the chickens outside of the fucking tavern. I'm gonna go get a coital kiss. Cloacal kiss. Cloacal kiss. Okay, so are we ruling against the DM

and in favor of the submitter? I believe so. Yeah. Wow. Okay, so now we must sentence this DM. Okay. We could give them a chicken boy too. That's true.

True. Well, no, that's kind of a punishment for Reagan though, the player. Oh true, yeah. Yeah. Maybe, you know, there was a PS included that this campaign was spectacular. Okay.

And that the character was later revived. So we should take that into consideration. No, I refuse. Mm-hmm. You know what? You know, this DM cannot be trusted with liquids. No more liquids. Really?

Just no more liquids in the campaign. We gotta do dry DMing. It's kind of a death sentence. The only way that they can drink water is if it's frozen and it melts in the mouth. We gotta do dry DMing. It's kind of a death sentence. The only way that they can drink water is if it's frozen and it melts in the mouth. Yeah, there you go. OK. But this DM is not allowed to describe it.

Yeah. Cannot be trusted. I'm going to give you some ice. I'm going to give you some ice. Yeah. Don't tell me what happens with it. Yeah. I'm going to give you some ice.

Here's some ice advice. Yeah. You can only have ice chips during DMing. Yeah. All right. You're not allowed to hydrate while you DM. You can have water by yourself, but that's it. Dehydration and ice chips it is. Next up from Tommy. Esteemed justices and slippery little minks of

a bailiff, I present to you the case of oops, you killed your dad. I am DMing for a group that has been playing for six years now. They're brilliant and I couldn't ask for better players. The following case is not a real issue, but would still appreciate you weighing in to settle things once and for all. My players made a mortal enemy of a Rakshasa. The monster has three relevant abilities to this case. A shape-shifting ability, the ability to cast detect thoughts and dominate person, and the ability to regenerate when killed. My players killed Kaya, the Rakshasa,

and learned she would regenerate and fixate on destroying them. She knew about one of the player's family from earlier in the campaign, so my players started a compound to keep their family safe. They designated passcodes to try to spot the shapeshifter, but they didn't know she had detect thoughts. So she staked out the place, learned the passcode

with detect thoughts, and shapeshifted into the paladin's dad. We jump forward and the two dads meet in the compound where Kaya, fake dad, used dominate person on Mr. Krillin, the real dad. A few moments after my players walk in, see two dads and rightfully panic. Trying to avoid a Spider-Man meme situation,

my players ask for the passcode, but Kaya compels Mr. Krillin to say the wrong phrase. The paladin immediately smites and kills his dad. This makes Kaya so delighted, she shapeshifts back into her normal form and an epic battle ensues. Mr. Krillin was revived, the Paladin got to play out a very fun angsty arc

after committing patricide, and Kaya was restrained and eventually petrified, which is how she still is to this day. I think the logic tracks for all of this, and my players begrudgingly agree, but they maintain that it was sociopathic of me to trick my Paladin into killing their dad. Was this all justified for the plot

or should I maybe start journaling and reflecting on myself? I await your infallible judgment. This rocks. NPCs are there for you to kill them. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This is some A plus D and D. Great. Yeah.

I think you gotta have some sociopathic tendencies if you're gonna DM right. I mean, it is a bad guy. It got a big reaction out of your players and that's what you want. Yeah. That's evil shit. That is absolutely evil, heinous shit

that your bad guy did. And that's what bad guys do. Yeah. And I'm sure then your players felt more invested and that's what bad guys do. Yeah. And I'm sure then your players felt more invested, and that's their backstory and stuff. It's also like a gift to your players to kind of give them a tragic backstory and to give them motivation.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And an angsty arc with their dad. I mean, that's the dream. That's what D&D is all about. Yeah. Ultimately, they were able to revive the character as well. So ultimately, no harm, no foul.

There are, you know, I'm quasi kidding when I say NPCs are just there for you to kill, because like, it can be a bummer if you're just constantly killing all of the players' companions. But every once in a while, there do need to be stakes, right? If you're playing in a game with like, you know, some level of mortality. I could see how this would like, would go bad

after you had set up the compound and the lengths this character had gone to protect their family. But since it all worked out, you petrified somebody and the dad came back, perfect. Maybe it's worth asking the players like, next time they're razzing you about this, kind of be like, okay, but do you think

that the highs were higher because of how low this low was for you guys? I would imagine they would agree. I think you need to keep up this mystique. Like your players fear you. They speak about you in hushed whispers. Right. They would never say something like,

let's get Murph's shitty opinion out of him. Right? They respect you. They would never say that. Too much respect to ever say that. You're begrudged and beloved. Yeah. It's been too long since I've been flung off a tower.

Yeah, true. Yeah. I think this is all above the board. This logic all completely makes sense. Yeah, I think so too. It's just so cinematic hearing it back, like wandering into a room and seeing your dad fighting your dad.

You can't get better than that. Yeah. I also kind of think like when they kill your parents in D&D, you're like, thank you. Yeah. I also kind of think like when they kill your parents in D and D, you're like, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for giving my character something. You see me.

Yeah, it's Star Wars. You know, Luke's gotta leave the farm behind. Okay, so then we're ruling in favor of this DM. We're ruling in favor of this DM. That's good, because we were anti-DM the past two cases. That's true. Oh, wow. We're beginning to get our reputation.

The pendulum swings back. I'll say, DM, this scenario was Chef's Kalo-Ekel kiss. Really good stuff. Yeah. Wow. That's awesome. Oh, my god. Keep at it.

That absolutely rocks. OK, so how would you like to punish these players? Well, they revived their father, NPC. So we do have to kill that NPC. Oh, you like to punish this players? Well, they revived their father NPC. So we do have to kill that NPC. Oh, you want to double kill him? We have to kill him permanently. You're gonna kill Mr. Krillin? You have to retcon killing Mr. Krillin.

You have to retcon bringing him back to this. Mr. Krillin's going back down? He's going back down. It's too harsh. He just came back up. He's going into the fucking dirt, guys. I don't make the rules. And his seas are there to kill.

Just banish him to another place. No, he has to go in the fucking dirt. I don't like, this isn't my decision. It just came to me. Okay. Yeah. And he has to like fall down some stairs. It can't be epic.

Yeah, no. Yeah. A sad permadeath. Yeah, geez. A sad anticlimactic permadeath for Mr. Krillin it is. Wow, sorry. So. His last words have to be whoops.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you have to coldly look at your players and be like, what? You said I was mean, you said I was ruthless. And now I am. And now I am. Now I have become everything you say.

So ordered. Next up we've got Jen. Hello! Hello! They wrote it in a really exciting way. And Mrs. Doubtfire away. Yeah. Great. Where does cannibalism begin or end for humanoid creatures?

If you served Aarakocra wings at a tavern, is that cannibalism? The tavern in question that served the wings was a perfectly normal standard tavern without a larger plot hook or mystery. We had wrapped up the arc nice and neat. The wings were never mentioned again. I'm team that's cannibalism,

but I'm the one who got called weird and razzed at the table. Judges, popes, now philosophers. I ask where does cannibalism begin or end for humanoid creatures? At the term humanoid. Humanoid, right? Moving on.

I think this one is open and shut. Cut and dry. Yeah. Suck on your ice chips. Yeah, just a six foot tall bird man that can speak to you about like his family. Ah. It's weird.

It's weird that your character has a problem with that. This would be the same problem if you use Chicken Boy's wings. It's just not okay. Yeah. And Chicken Boy is like, I think personally, I think he's less than humanoid. But more than chicken if that, more than avian if that makes sense. He's an abomination. Yeah.

He has no place in this world, in this natural world. Yeah, I mean, Eric has. I think he sounds like he has the instinct to speak, but lacks the tongue to do so. He's hungry! Like that, yeah. Yeah, this is just, I'm looking at a picture of an Ericocra, this is absolutely,

this is absolutely just a dude. I mean, it's a bird, dude, but it's, it's, it's fully. I pull one up and see if the wings look tasty. Oh, they don't look good. They're like all feather and bone. An Aarakocra arm is what would be tasty. That's what's got the muscle and flesh. Yeah. I don't know that I'd want to eat a human arm either.

Cause it just looks like this dude's got a human arm. I think that's what it would be. I think that's the thing. You would be eating. They ate arms. They ate arms. This was a wrongful razzing. This was sure a wrongful razzing.

Do you think that this player was just trying to bait us into being pro Aarakocra this time around? Yeah, they might be. Whoa, if so, bait taken. If so, you won. Although I've softened my stance on Ereka Krakers recently. Really? Yeah.

After journaling and personal reflection? After journaling and personal growth. No, I think I, at first when I was first DMing, I was like, being able to fly right away is too much, but then I'm like, I would just shoot them with arrows. Yeah. You would just be like, haha, I jump over the wall of this castle. It's just like, haha, I jump over the wall

of this castle. It's just like, cool, they shoot you with a fucking ballista and you're level one. I do all my death saves. I say to my party, please, keep my wings. Sustain yourselves. My last cloacal kiss time. May I recommend a bourbon maple BBQ sauce?

That's a great Google. Do Aarakocras fuck or do they do cloacal kisses? Oh yeah, do Aarakocras. I miss the cloacal kiss of my wife. Please tell her I love her. Eat my wings. Okay, so we have to punish these other players. Yeah.

And the DM, the DM really is the one who put the Aarakocra, quite literally put the Aarakocra wings on the table. Yeah, and I think, the DM really is the one who put the Eric, quite literally put the Eric Hockeraw in on the table. Yeah. And I think the most egregious thing here is that it was just a regular tavern. Right. If you wanted to be like, here are the bad guys who are feeding you people. Yeah. I guess you can, I guess you can decide to do that. There's also other like fantasy animals you could have chosen. You could have been like, oh, yeah, it's Griffin wings. That's maybe a little more kosher. I don't know.

Not much. Or truly anyone from Charlotte's Web. CW is Charlotte's Web. CW is Charlotte's Web. Yeah. Whatever that chicken and that's name was. Golden Charlotte for the tax break in North Carolina. Yeah.

It's so confusing. People are constantly like, wait, is it called Charlotte because of the city? Or because of the band doing the soundtrack? All of it. It's a Charlotte based show. It takes place at UNC. What were we talking about before we started talking about Charlotte again? We have to punish either the players or the DM or both

who all thought that it was not cannibalism to eat the air copper wings. I guess they have to. We could feed them arms. Is that in the game? What? Yeah. I mean, I would have to say balling.

They'll love it. They'll love it. You could do blue sky? That's a cloudy sky, man. Honestly, I'm with Jake. We've sentenced him insane stuff. No, no, this is too much. We've, we've sentenced some insane stuff. No, no, this is too much. It's too much. They need to wear a pin with a bird guy on it. And with the message, this is a person. They need to stare at themselves in the mirror

and look at the bird guy and read the sentence out loud 56 times and say, this is a person, this is a person, this is a person. Until they learn. It's rare to have a punishment where it's the DM and some of the players. So that's what I'm gonna do this one. Well, they're all razing, right? When there's a wrongful razing. There's a wrongful razing.

Yeah. There's a lot of piling on. Okay, so ordered. You gotta get those pens printed. Get your pens with a bird that say this is a person on it. That's a person. Coming to the NatFod merch store soon. It's just the copywritten photo of the very serious

Eric Acre guy holding a staff. Ooh, and maybe it has glow in the dark, but not visible when it's not dark, cloacal kiss. Oh wow. It's like a secret message. So you only see it when you're out at night. It says, don't eat that bird.

They might be cloacal kissing their wife. If birds aren't people, why do they fuck? That's the other pin. That's the alt pin. So ordered. You can wear that one at night. You can wear that one at night. You can wear that one to bed. Yeah.

Oh my God, that scares the shit out of me sleeping with a pin on. You have to wear a pin on your pajamas. Oh! Yes! That's terrifying! I mean, it's not terrifying. The pin doesn't, it's not gonna like unhook it.

Yeah, it might unhook. It's not gonna unhook. I don't know, I'm a thrashy sleeper. The pin doesn't, it's not gonna like unhook it. Yeah, it might unhook. It's not gonna unhook. I don't know, I'm a thrashy sleeper. I was gonna say, you know that I'm an active sleeper. Yeah, that's true. I still think you wouldn't pop a pin and stab yourself. I think it would be uncomfortable just because you don't wanna have a pin on.

I don't think it would be that dangerous. Well, these players in the DM are gonna find out. Yeah, I guess so. They're gonna find out. Let us know. How scary is it? Okay. Wow.

So ordered. Hey there, NAD polls. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. You know we love Squarespace. It is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you are just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need

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Upfront payment of $45 for three month, five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three months only, then full price plan options available. All right, that's it for me. Dots off for now. See you later, daddies. Next up from Luke W.

If it pleases the judges, may I introduce the case of Jaguar Johnny, the PC who has never been hit and never missed a shot. Our story begins when the DM- This guy sounds like he sucks. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Well- Someone thinks this character rules, but I can assure you he's not. Not someone, Luke W. Oh no. No, you're a submitter. Our story begins when the DM tells us he is running a very deadly one-shot.

Okay. So we best bring overpowered characters to the table. All right. Comedic character conceits are also encouraged. Okay, all right. With this in mind, I create Jaguar Johnny. Johnny is a hyper-serious, gruff and tough human battle master fighter,

as well as a staunch flat fey runer and magic denier. In the first combat, I shoot my crossbow and do not meet the creature's AC. The DM announces how Jaguar Johnny misses with his shot. It is at this point I correct him and introduce my character's jokey flavor. Canonically, Johnny never misses a shot and has never been hit by an enemy.

When he misses a creature, he is actually hitting them but failing to damage, i.e. striking shield or armor. When he loses HP, he is not getting hit, but instead getting fatigued from the battle. My DM vehemently protests that this is unfair for JJ to be an untouchable badass who never misses. I respond, flavor is free. Johnny follows all the rules of D&D,

so why can't I flavor him however I want? It's silly and preposterous, but we're encouraged to make funny characters. My DM argues flavor for your character is free, but if your flavor is that all the other PCs suck compared to yours, now you're flavoring their PCs. The debate rages. Other players also have stupid jokey character concepts

for this one shot, and they have no problem with Johnny's flavor. Ultimately we compromised and that day is the first day Jaguar Johnny suffers the ignominy of missing. But our beef continues to this day. The DM roasts me to the other players calling me a problem player. Am I entitled to free flavor for this silly one shot

where comedic characters are encouraged or is describing your character as unhittable and with perfect aim, even as a joke, a dick move, I throw myself at the mercy of the court. Okay, here's where I apologize to Murph because he's clearly right about this one. Okay, so yeah. This one is-

I do think it is a funny character. Can see that you came up with and it was for, I would say this is the perfect scenario to do it. I do, yeah, there is part of me that likes Jaguar Johnny because just the idea of a character that follows mechanics. So like he could shoot his crossbow until he is so tired that he dies. Because the idea that he never gets hit

does it like him taking damage. I get his logic. He's like, he's flipping out of the way. So it tires him. So he's not being hit, but he can still die. The thing I don't like about it, it is a funny conceit, but I think what ends up happening here is that this player is doing a lot of narrating on their own.

Yeah, that's probably fair. I think it probably gets in the way of the flow of the game a little bit. Yeah. And you could have pitched this to a DM who was like, yeah, I love that flavor and wants to embrace that. But I think ultimately you're probably in the wrong because your DM said, I am not on board

with what you're asking me to narrate. Yeah, it is also objectively hilarious in a game with Tabaxi to name your human Jaguar Johnny. Why is he a fucking Jaguar? I was picturing a Chester the Cheeto type. Yeah, same. Yeah, I picture everyone meeting Jaguar Johnny and being like, whoa, not what I pictured.

Yeah, so that's very funny. I think this is a very funny goof, but I think it's funnier if you just, the first time you miss, you're like, oh, that's very funny. I think this is a very funny goof, but I think it's funnier if you just, the first time you miss, you're like, oh, that's never happened before. Yeah, I was gonna say, the compromise doesn't sound bad. That sounds funny. Because you can still deliver it as like Jack or Johnny

not thinking he's been hit, like getting stabbed, and bleeding and being like, that was close. Yeah. Yeah, that's also really funny. Full denial is good. Yeah. Yeah, that's also really funny. Full denial is good. Yeah. Yeah, like the fucking brash confidence.

Yeah, I definitely get what you're saying, whereas you're following the mechanics and flavor is free. But your DM, I think, is also right, in that your DM is a player. And if your DM wanted to have, because we have stupid characters, we have dumb stuff happen, but there are moments where I'm like, I would like this bad guy to seem like kind of a bad guy

and actually do something. And if one of you guys were just like, oh, the finger of death spell actually just makes a hard one shit himself. I'd be like, stop, you can't do that. That's not... Ah! The arrow's stuck in his helmet.

While the finger of death spell doesn't actually kill him, the fact that it scares him so much and he shits so much that he drowns in his own shit is what actually kills him. Right. And that's the epic way I want it to go out. So I think we can all, are we all on the onboard here that Jaguar Johnny rocks? I loved Jaguar Johnny.

We do have to rule against you. Yeah, I think Jaguar Johnny had a chance if you went to your DM ahead of time. So the DM- Oh, that's kind of a good call, right? It was like a big thing to surprise the DM with. Although the DM, the devil's advocate, Johnny's advocate, the-

Oh, really? I would have never guessed. Well, I'm saying when the DM sets themselves up like this, where it's just like, jokey characters and courage, bring it on, bring on your worst, essentially. It's like combination of- Yeah, and you're like, all right, that joke's actually veto-

Yeah. This is a little bit the Cloakill Kiss situation of like, once you've just opened up the flood gates, you kind of can't put it all back in. That being said, that being said- You can't un-kiss a Cloakill. I think, I think had the DM had a problem with you calling yourself Jaguar Johnny

and saying that you never missed and having this cocky attitude, if the DM had a problem with that, they would be wrong. But I think the DM's within their rights to be like, you can't just deny what I'm saying is happening happens. Ultimately, I do think we have to rule with the DM here as much as we like Jaguar Johnny. Jaguar Johnny, unfortunately, is gonna get hit by us.

Well, I mean like with a hit with a ruling. Yeah. And we're gonna hit on Jaguar Johnny because we love him. Yeah, that's true. Okay. What would you like to sentence Jaguar Johnny? He's gonna have to sleep with a bunch of pins on him.

Whoa. See if he gets hit by one of those. So fucking scary to me. I can't believe it done this for you. Unfully pinned pins. What. Unfully pinned pins. What? Unfully pinned pins. No.

Sorry, hey sorry, I don't make the rules. No. I mean I do, but I don't. We're gonna put a pin with his attack bonus, a pin with his AC on it. He's gonna sleep with those. Yeah, yeah, and we'll see if you never get hit. We'll see.

So ordered. Next up from Pookie. Thank you Bailiff Axford. Just a nice, really- Wow. Restart off strong. You could really learn from this, Jake. No one ever thanked me.

Gee whiz. To the honorable justices, Murphy Tanner and Jake Kerwitz. I think that's your name. Okay, I bring to you the case of- It is. You nailed it. Oh, sorry. They spelled it J. Kurwitz.

I see. Okay, that's off. Yeah. But it's close enough. I bring to you the case of my loot that I made for me. A few years ago, I was playing in a campaign DM'd by my housemate at the time. One day while he was prepping,

he asked me if there was any magical items I was interested in. I asked if we could homebrew something that would allow my erikakra, shadow monk, to use. One day while he was prepping, he asked me if there was any magical items I was interested in. I asked if we could homebrew something that would allow my Aarakakra, shadow monk, to use flurry of blows at range. Together we agreed upon a set of gauntlets that could rapid fire Shuriken in place of punches. Cool.

Cut to the end of our next session and the party stumbles upon some loot. There was one item for each party member, each intended for their respective class, a spell book for the wizard, a bow for the ranger, et cetera. The DM described my cool gauntlets and another player excitedly called dibs. In character, I suggested that maybe I could make pretty good use of those.

She responded somewhat dejectedly with, but I got them first. Now out of character, I explained that I literally designed them for me. They're intended for my character. And one of these other things is meant for you. I got my thing, she got hers, but she seemed disappointed. Additionally, this is also almost certainly meta gaming. Judges, was I wrong to metagame

and insist on getting my tailor-made loot, or should I have stayed in character and let my gauntlets go? Love, Pookie." That's the first time I think anyone said love. And that's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Never happened to me.

Never happened to me. We've been doing D&D core for a while now. I'm ready to commit. Okay. So this one's interesting. I think saying dibs and just grabbing magic items is weird. I do find it really difficult. Like maybe this is from performing D&D, but I do find it very difficult.

Whenever the DM hands out magic items, I'm always like, who's this for? I don't want to touch it. We have the opposite. We have the opposite. We're like, something cool happens, we're like, is that for somebody else? Yeah, we try to dole it out,

we're sitting there with a sword and just being like, is this, does anyone use one-handed slashing? It's like, I could, but also maybe someone else could? But also, it has Shield of Faith, so for Paladin, is that you, Bev, or? I could never. Yeah. I'm not worthy. Yeah, which ultimately I feel like that is kind of

how the table should play. I also understand why this player was put in an awkward position because it is fun to work with your DM on stuff. I was going to say it's maybe a little bit overkill to completely like design something with your player and DM, but I think we have kind of done that. Yeah, I think that's fun.

Cause you also have to, you don't know necessarily all of done that. Yeah, I think that's fun. Cause you also have to, you don't know necessarily all of the abilities that some of your players have. Yeah. I've done that before. Like, I've been like, hey, like, what do you want to like lean into more with your character? Right.

You know, and like, so that I can make sure that I give something that makes sense for that. And also this doesn't feel the most overpowered. It's just giving them a range option for their flurry of blows. Yeah. Which sounds like fun and it doesn't feel the most overpowered. It's just giving them a range option for their flurry of blows, which sounds like fun and it doesn't sound overpowered. Right. Yeah. I think that maybe it's the DM's responsibility

to step in a little bit here. Oh yeah. That's what I'm wondering. That is interesting. Yeah, if I was the DM in this situation, I would be like, go ahead and roll me an insight check. You see that these have the same symbol as this character's monk order. Yeah, I was gonna say,

I don't even know that I would leave it to an insight check. I would be like, as you reach for it, the god that the Aricot worship like blazes across the bomb. Yeah, it would just like not fit the player, you know what I mean? Or not fit the person who yelled dibs.

Yeah, they're covered in feathers, dumbass. Yeah, this fits winged fists. Yeah, the dibs thing is weird. The DM not stepping in and making you kind of describe anything. Everything is kind of strange. Although there are like random treasure tables. So I can understand being like, oh, this is all just like random shit, especially for less experienced players. That's true. Which is why I do think that the Onus does fall,

even though the DM. On the DM, right? On the DM, even though the DM like worked collaboratively with this player to make them awesome loot. Yeah. They also needed to defend. Yeah, this might be mostly the DM's fault. I think it is.

I think so, cause my read on the player that called dibs too is like, they might not have been like annoyed that you got the gauntlets. They might've just been like a little shy that they called dibs. Yeah. You know, basically social faux pas at the table. Yeah.

Which I think also goes up to the DM. Yeah. And it also might, I don't wanna extrapolate too much from the little information that we have, but it is possible if you designed these gauntlets or something that maybe you don't want to play that, like role play that too hard where you're just like, oh, these are for me.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it is, you know, there is a meta gaming aspect to it. That's okay. We've definitely done stuff like this. We've talked about doing- I think it's more fun to like make it personal. Yeah. Yeah.

It makes your character invested in the game. Yeah. I think that's just like good world building. I would also say this, that putting it on the DM a little bit. Sorry to pick on the DM. We're going after this cool DM who made a personalized loop. You are setting up this confusion, right?

By just being like, here's a random stash of treasure. And you are just allowing your players to kind of call dibs on it. You very easily could have been like. Right, narrate which person finds which thing. Right, while you're sleeping that night or something, like you get a sign that there's this thing,

or while this character is by themselves, they find it. Or have everyone roll their own investigation checks. The Aarakocra finds the gauntlets over here. This person finds their thing, you know? It didn't need to be left up to interpretation. You know what they also could have done too is like, let's say they're in over their head, the player has just said dibs,

the DM is like, shit, how do I stop this? Easy way to solve it, later, first time they put on the gauntlets. Oh. Give me a constitution save. Wow. If they fail, you're dead. A thousand screams.

A thousand screams. You're rockin' the back of your head. Tiny needles hidden in the gauntlets. You weren't supposed to wear the gloves. And Jaguar Johnny drops dead. Yeah, it's true. There are like, now that I'm thinking about it, there are like three times that his DM could have stopped

this from happening. I think so. Yeah. This is one of the things that a DM does at the table is like make sure that there isn't confusion that leads to awkwardness between the parties. And I get it, DMs have to do a lot, but you are kind of, you know,

the metaphor would be like you're hosting a party, right? So like you just by default do have to do a lot, but you are kind of, you know, the metaphor would be like, you're hosting a party, right? So like, you just by default do have to do a little bit more work. Yeah, when you hear someone call dibs, that should be like DM, like activated in my brain. Yeah. I have to settle this. Yeah, I have to figure this out. Though at the same time, I could picture them

having a stack of notes and just being like, these are the items you find. And then the players talk while they're going over the notes for what's gonna happen next. In which case they miss this entire interaction. Yeah, but the giant worm is about to swallow them all one chamber over. Yeah.

Maybe the DM should have like a little fly swatter. And whenever somebody does this, they can just be like, no, no, no. And they just give like a little tap. Yeah. A little tap on the wrist. Just a tap. Yeah. Just a tap everyone. Don't be mean with it.

Do not be swatting your players. Borderline flirty. Yeah. Right, I love tap. It can be pink, it can have some frills on it, maybe it's got a little pom-pom at the end, so maybe it's kinda sexual. Perfect. A cloacal tap.

That sounds medical. Yeah. You do need to say naughty in a British accent. You know what, I do think we're giving too much of a generous read to the player saying dibs. That's weird. I think it's strange. Yeah, but could be a new player.

Yeah, true. I guess. And like Caldwell said, like there's often random loot. I guess it depends on what character I was playing. If I was playing like Zudrick or something, there was like a bird focus thing. I would just be like dibs, absolutely dibs on that. But that's based off of, oh, this reminds me.

I could see in Hot Boy Summer, I could see Hungry Dave calling dibs on something that's clearly not his. I mean, I would hope that you guys would, but I also feel like Hot Boy Summer is breaking all the rules. Yeah, I guess that's right. Hot Boy Summer is we learned all the rules and then Hot Boy Summer we intentionally break.

Yeah. What was the tour? Matt was calling dibs on my guitar. Yeah. Everyday doing it, yeah. It could also have been a confusion of like, maybe this character is like a fighter or something like that and so they're like,

oh, I won't go unless to be able to like punch people or something like that. So. Okay, so are you guys thinking sentence the DM or? I think sentence the DM. Just the DM? Okay, how would you like to sentence them? We could do a little sentence to just one pin to bed.

Oh, that's a nice idea. Just one pin to bed. So the DM is wearing long pajamas with pins everywhere. Everywhere. A long pajamas made of pins. Oh my God. You gotta wear chain mail to bed? Yes, pin chain mail.

Pin chain mail. To bed. That is a meaningful torture. And one random pin is unhooked. Oh, you'll never know. You won't know which one. You will find out. Oh, you'll know, you'll find out.

Maybe it's the pin you got for reading all those books in sixth grade, who knows? Ooh, okay, chain mail, footy pajamas. Jeez. So ordered. Coming soon to the NAD pod store. Okay, and with that, shall we move into church? Yes.

Yes. I'm ready. Time to meet cloacal Christ. S writes to the high priests of Dice Christ. I come before you with a confession, not on my behalf, but upon my entire parties. Wow. I have been DMing for a group of my college friends

for several years now. The party was in the middle of a tournament arc and we had to take a short break for the finale. During the break, my birthday passed. Hi, priests. All of my players forgot this despite several social media posts from mutual friends. I let this go, but DiceChrist did not. In the next session, my players felt the wrath of Dice Christ. They rolled not one, not two, not three, but seven natural ones. They struggled all night to roll above a 10. Meanwhile, I rolled five crits downing multiple players. The party ended up losing a six versus three fight, which lost them a critical magic item.

High priests, I ask what must my players do to redeem themselves in the eyes of Dice Christ? We humbly await your holy judgment. This is not a confession. You're just mad at your friends and they forgot your birthday. You're filing a complaint. It is a religious consultation. True. It's a religious consultation. I'm going to come down with a Murph flavor take here. Okay. I think as an adult, it's your responsibility to let people know it's your birthday.

I think that as soon as you're like out of college, you are done with birthdays. You have to like take on the birthday burden yourself. Maybe if you've got a significant other, it becomes their problem a little bit. But I do think that like when you're an adult, you gotta be like, hey, we're hanging out. It's my birthday.

You gotta be excited about it. You gotta reclaim the birthday a little bit. Well, did it say they were in college or that they'd been playing since they were in college? Because I think if you're in college, you're still kind of a kid, so it is kind of like. Yeah, you get the pass. I have been DMing for a group of my college friends

for several years now. Okay. But also, they really should know. Maybe out of college, who knows? I think if you're in college, then that makes sense that your friends still need to remember your birthday. The second people start having kids or nieces and nephews, it's like, cool. All of my birthday energy goes to the children remembering their birthday.

Yeah. I understand this. Like I pretty much last week I asked Susie, I was like, how old am I turning in a month? It's just, it gets harder the older you get. I asked Jill that all the time. And now I kind of know. Cause now we know because we're all about to be 40. Right. Or not Caldwell. Caldwell's about to turn 39. Wow, he's so young. I'm a spring chicken ready to get kissed.

Here's showing how little we know about each other's birthdays. Caldwell, yours is like around now, right? It's coming up. It's so soon. It's soon, right? I'm going to be so pissed. I don't know when.

I just know it's soon. It's so soon, right? And I'm gonna be so pissed. I don't know when, I just know it's soon. It's May 19th, it's May 19th. There we go, okay. Really, that's later than I thought I was gonna guess, late April. Yeah. But that's, yeah. We absolutely could be hanging out on May 19th

and I would have no idea. I think we've recorded on your birthday and I was like, oh fuck, that's too early. Yeah, yeah, I think we've recorded on all of our birthdays. It's totally forgivable as families get bigger, like your birthday registry, your birthday decks gets like overloaded.

We are old though. You have to prioritize, in my opinion, is just you have to prioritize the kids because it means so much to them. Yeah, and then also like they come out with a new Pokemon game and then you learn all the new Pokemon names and that's just gonna push some birthdays out.

And that's gonna push, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'm with Caldwell, I think your the new Pokemon names and that's just gonna push the birthday down. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I'm with Caldwell. I think your birthday is your responsibility. That's your day. Yeah. I think you need to reclaim it. Wait, can you guys pinpoint what year?

Cause maybe that will be helpful cause we don't know the age of this person. Is there an age or is there a life? I think it's literally college, right? Because when you're in college, that's when you're meeting all new people. When you're living with your friends, you're like, I'm around you all the time.

Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna be generous. I'm gonna be generous and say 26. Up until your 25th birthday, you're allowed to have friends remember it. And if they don't, you can get miffed. I think 26 is like when that magic starts to happen. But when you're a kid in like elementary school and stuff,

they're like, everyone stop, it's Caldwell's birthday. He can hand out a cupcake to everyone. There are like calendars on the wall at school, like these are the birthdays. Exactly. But this is what I'm saying, I think that we need to bring that back. I think as an adult, you're responsible for bringing cupcakes, because everyone likes eating a cupcake. Your parents make a big deal out of your birthday, which then makes your friends make a big deal out of your birthday when you're a kid, because they all know about it. Because your parents are inviting to like your birthday party or whatever. And then as you get older, Caldwell's right.

You do have to kind of take responsibility for your own birthday. Yeah. So anyway, you're going to hell. Yeah. Wait, but there was a very real consequence on the dice rolls. True.

This person S wasn't even writing in saying, I'm mad at my friends. They were writing in saying, the dice were punishing them. And what do they have to do to get back at their friends? I think that like you're letting your negative emotions impact the game and dice Christ. I don't think this is dice Christ.

I think maybe the dice devil is reaching out for you. The dice devil was tempting you into this false opinion. I mean, I guess it depends on, I do have a few friends that if I, that I've known for a long time, that if I didn't give them a call or text them on their birthday, it would be kind of fucked up. I think we all met as adults,

so there is a level of expectation where we're all just like, we all got our own stuff going on, right? We all got our own stuff going on. Well, for the record, me and Murph always remember each other's birthday. Yes! But that's because we are married to each other. Yes, we are married to each other.

That's a loophole. You should, you are responsible for remembering your partner's birthday. And I know that Jake's is in August. Yep, yep, August 5th. And I know yours is October 3rd. Fuck, you got it! Wow!

Wow! Sometimes I do the passports when we travel, so I'm not scared. All right. I only know Murph's because it's so close to Susan as well. Yeah, I know Susan as well. Emily's is a practical unknown to me. Yeah.

There's a chance that we're all just bad friends and we're wrong. I think that's part of it. That's a huge part of it. Everyone listening better remember our birthdays though. That's a huge part of it, is that we're bad friends and we're wrong. So take this all with a big grade of it, is that we're bad friends and we're wrong. So take this all with a big grade of-

It's more we're bad friends and we're old. And so to us, we're just like, it's my birthday, who gives a shit? But like 18 year olds might really care about their birthday, you know? Right, because you're hitting more milestones then. Yeah, you're like- Yeah, you're 21, that's big.

The argument was just after 26, it's on your shoulders to have other people remember you. This person could be 26 though, or they could be college friends as in- And that's why we will live in the unknown. Look deeply into your heart and recognize if you're 26. And if you are, then it's on you. But you-

We're gonna give you two pieces of advice. Okay, we're gonna give you two pieces of advice. If you're 26, you gotta listen to Caldwell. Your birthday is your responsibility. That's right. You met these people in college, presumably. There wasn't a big deal made about your birthday. Although there were social media stuff,

but as someone who like does not look at social media at all, I would have no fucking clue. Step up and make yourself a cupcake. I was gonna say that what we could do, because they want to figure out how to fix the dice, you could baptize your friend's dice in cupcake ice. Put dice on top of cupcakes and give them to your friends? And be so careful, though, that you don't swallow them.

Be so careful you don't swallow them. They're like candles, OK? Have them on top like a candle. It is the exact size of your esophagus. Be careful. But that could be, like, essentially a baptism for these, or like a cleansing of these dice. Celebrate your. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. But this is just about the other advice of whether or not you should be mad at your friends If you're younger than 26, you could be mad at your friends. Okay, that adds up Emily Yeah, I love what you're at here though, because we've been pickling our dice. Yeah, it's 2025. Let's sweeten those There are great friend groups that are just aghast that we don't care about each other's birthday. I do, but no, no, I do know about all of my friends' birthdays and we celebrate them, but they say, what are you guys up to?

It's like a lot of times it will be like, maybe two people are romantically together. So it'll be like, oh, it's this person's birthday. What do we want to do to celebrate it? We'll do something, yeah, yeah. Right, it is ultimately their responsibility. It's very rare that it's this person's birthday. What do we want to do to celebrate it? We'll do something. Yeah, yeah. Right. It is ultimately their responsibility. It's very rare that.

It's more like, yeah, it's the 26 thing, right? If you meet someone when you're 30, you're probably not going to like spark their birthday celebration. Unless, unless like they're your absolute best friend or something like that. But anyway, yeah, this is just very, it's hard to relate to as an old man.

Well, we got through Murph's garbage opinions. Whoa! Hey! I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Another trip to the dump. Well, we all know based on Total Tank how I feel about birthdays, which is,

too many birthdays, too many birthdays. Too many birthdays though. Also, as you get older, you just know based on Total Tank how I feel about birthdays, which is, too many birthdays, too many birthdays. Too many birthdays, though. Also, as you get older, you just know too many fucking people. Everyone's got one, come on. If over 26 you beat, no birthdays do you see. Yeah. Just think about that. There you go. Whoa.

All right, so forgiven. So forgiven. To your friends. Yeah. Yeah. So long as you ice those dice. Ice those dice. Ice the dice, and you are forgiven. Yeah. And, um, you know, based on whether you're 26 or not, you can take or leave our advice. Uh, and with that, we'll go ahead and wrap this one up.

Thank you all so much for listening. You can head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpod. That's N-E-D-D-P-O-D. Don't sing yet. Don't healing to healing. Do it. Don't do it. We have some things we'd like to plug.

Dimension 20 has got a bunch of live shows. You can search Dimension 20 live. We're going to be at the Don't do it. We have some things we'd like to plug. Dimension 20's got a bunch of live shows. You can search Dimension 20 live. We're gonna be at the Hollywood Bowl on June 1st. We're gonna be in Seattle on July 20th. And we are going to be in Las Vegas in November. So be on the lookout for that. I'll also shout out the person who came to the MSG show

with the Hey U Up book. And I was able to drive by sign it because they sent a note to the PO box. Oh yeah. Thank you for that. Awesome. I would able to like drive by sign it because they sent a note to the PO box. So thank you for that note also. I would love to plug. Trevor Lyons, who helps us out with the editing on the show has a new short film out called The Price of a Used Car. It's on YouTube.

It's actually released through Omeleto, which is a showcase of award-winning short films. Sick. So go check out Trevor's short film, The Price of a Used Car on YouTube. Awesome, check it out. Check it out. So go check out Trevor Short Film, The Price of a Used Car. I need to. Awesome, check it out. Yeah, check it out.

And also check out my sub stack, substack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz. My first issue went out last week. So they're coming Fast and Furious now, baby. Hot off the press. Incredible. And they're all about Fast and the Furious franchise. That's right.

And how about we're all family. Exactly. Be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, you can follow us on social media that we may or may not use. Mostly do not use. I'm on Blue Sky, I'll say it. Are you?

I fucking caved on Blue Sky. Cool. Yeah, you can find me on Blue Sky. What's your name? It's your name. It's your name. At Caldy again. At Caldy, okay.

There's an ad about Blue Sky as well. I'm reaching out to you there. Oh, good call. I joined Blue Sky at one point, I'm sure. Cool. So I feel like I'm on there, but maybe I'm not EX-Ford or maybe I'm Emily Ex-Ford or maybe I'm not on there. We don't even know what we are.

But our old- That's how much we love social media. Our old ads on old social media is that we don't use anymore. Our ad, jagerosisjake, ad call is called all, ad chmerf is me, ad EX-Ford is Emily. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NADDPOD.

We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. Happy birthday to you. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun-jin, dun-jin. Dun-jin, dun- dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon And you know what that means? It's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord,

Later Mixkater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Daniel the Destinately Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T,

Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's Friend, Justin I. TJM. Trelai the Crefe. Christopher B. Damio R. Jordan L.

Cyborg version of Josh the Cobalt. Targot. Stevie Wags. Hellish Rebuke-er the N-B-D-M-P-H-D. Princess Yar. Jory S. Jack L. Nicholas C. Star of every film ever made in Bohemia.

Mike H. Alka Smelcher Plus. Great Value Gemma. Tyler F. Carbro Chapel Hill FPV. Cici Lulu. Old Cobbs Dunkle Older Burn. Carboro Chapel Hill FPV, CeeCee Lulu, old cobs dunkle older burn, RQ, Pajol, the rabbit folk detective,

Timmy R, Rayco, Jake's jerk jelly, hashtag CeeCeeCee. Oh wow, that one feels legal. Taylor B, oh ho ho, oh ho ho. Cass, Strong, Grinch. Steven, shout out to Bowie the Troll C. Mike K. Nick W.

William W. Big Bad Beard of the Mad. Eric McD, Ananarama. Percival, Fred Jickstein, Van Musel, Kowalski, DeRolo the Third.. Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the cock, Pithy Witch, ooh I like that, Ben A, Dave H, Dustin S, not that Nick, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Bookfarr's assistant Izzy F. Big Bad John, DPC is awesome!

Shown the Shade Tree mechanic of Zelbuldar, Summer Rose Grand Tare, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint. Cat C, Mesa of House Inzunza, Ariel the occasional mermaid, Selena and Velaesiraptor, B, Perky, always! Pat L, Lauren H, Serv 16, Annie the Feywild Therapist, Connor S, Saleel, Bioquart 7, Amber Dextrous, Bean Rapp was innocent, Chubb Hop hop dropper Jack H, king of the mole people under iron deep dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament. Valen. Paj the bitch and funny bard. Druidic Payton. Carlin C, Noah the Bullywag Boy, hashtag honor the cock, James G, Everything Bagel, the Aladdin who just wants to hang out

with his pet badger Stripey, Reverend Chetabones, Han, Eric B, Marcos, learns the balance druid, Frieda M, Maggie, Holly the green laughing hyena, cat misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, Cody C, Lorelai the succubi and Kira the succulent snack, McKenna S, your friendlyly Neighborhood Yont and Yonkle Andrew and Sid. John A. We can be done with the presidential puns. Meg, the Mail Carrier of Bohemia.

James F. Austin S. Wayfair now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them, turn to page 42. Keep them, turn to page 69. Oreo, Shane C., Barpo Goodbarrel Barbarian, Garrett G., One Big Curd, Belvine Beauty, wow. That is evocative, I immediately picture

the most beautiful cow lashes. Renee, the Monster Captain, Olivia, the Enchanting bard, and Jared, the soap opera cleric who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troupe. Blue, Asha, Fyko, Garrett, the artificer, Damon, son of that one merchant named John, Valkyrie, the Gert C. Brother,, the Raddest of Dudes Jay, the Fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo. Thank you, thank you, that was necessary.

Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing barbarian Lexi loves the two crew Roger L. No-D, the Pass-A-Fist barbarian, Jean-Luc, Leon Camori, legendary hero of a Bohemia from a future campaign, Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great, Josh S., Alexander, Linz W., Skyler King, Johnny Dude Gay, the mischief of NADPUBS familiars, all one word, all caps, beautiful, Pavu Eskenar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile, Kit and their cat, Tim M, T, R, M, L, G, Cheeto, Shelby, Kenna's first favorite sprite girl, torn between never wanting Scaldova to end and excitement for Dunkle and the triplets to return. You know, I share both feelings, but I have a feeling Scaldova will return.

And I think Dunkle Caldwell has some really fun tricks up his sleeve. Okay, Snailus, who's infecting, whoosh-a-sir-sir-sir for within. Der Singende Noaken, Memaw Skydays, Megan N, Kason the Juster Jouster, Anthony B, Savannah H,

Balor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House and Zoonza, Benjamin A, Gimli the Corgi, Pop-on Foster's canine friend, Mickle A, Josh H. Pilot of the Nightmare First Flight, the two crew blew through, Jennery, Nebesnoy, Ethan the Mailman, oh another Mailfolk, welcome,

Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashesaurus, Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Dragoose, accidental sharer of recipes. God, I still love that moment. Michael Lyle Sprow the Second, Carl B Plumber of the Realm, Dex Shittlewell, Hannah A, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critsberg, Darius D, the guy from that one thing, Vin Diagram, Kadamilius the Consumed, Clinton P, Cam the Frogman, Dean, Jake W, Hi Mom, I'm also gonna give another Hi Mom to your mom. Tuesday Cross the choose your own adventure writer not the porn star. Steve L. Tyler M. Alex G. Zibba the Bakery. Nicole

Kaylee of the Order of the Oaken or Katerina C. Misty the Crispy Kitty really hates flame skulls. Greg W. who's satyr bard whisker is basically a crick elf. Is that appropriation or just fan art by the way? Thank you, Emily. No, I think it is homage, you know, or maybe even parallel thinking. Baruke Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur, working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide.

Chupac Aubrey, Boney is dead. Cohen P, the Duke of Silk's missing son. The Waterworth, Nick, Amy, Aegis K, Charlemagne, in parentheses, not the god in all caps. DJ Dramamine, Alrek Von Zarovik. My favorite patron makes me say penis on my show. Okay, what a one to end it on. And you know what? I'm glad to say it because I am glad for all of you. You help us do what we love doing and we love you. Goodbye, sweeties.