Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Sexy Squirrels, Powerful Turtles, and Shambling Mounds

Episode Date: April 9, 2026

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, along with Bailiff Jake, as they pass judgement on your trials at the table!Come see us LIVE at Radio City Music Hall!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon. Welcome to Dungeon Court, everybody. Dungeon, wait, why are you doing short rest? You're doing the short rest noise. Wait, shit, that doesn't matter. It does matter. It does matter.

This is a courtroom. God damn it. There's a sanctity here. This sucks. Right before we started recording, they were doing short rest bullshit, just doing fucking shenanigans while. we were trying to sync up our goddamn audio and then I fuck up once we actually start recording.

That absolutely sucks. Yeah. Fuck on the kids. Jake, take it away. On the record. Take it away. Just clean up this mess for us, Jake.

Fuck. Hear ye, hear ye. Crit is now in session. Finally. Well, some of us are. God damn it. Yeah. The once honorable supreme crit justices,

Axford Murphy and Tanner are presiding. Exford and Tanner still have the honor, actually. I don't know if you could call what Murph's doing. preside. God damn. Pre-show bits. Murph is existing. I'm so mad. It is kind of like someone tickled Tyrese maxi, like in the locker room and then he just

couldn't shake it when he got to the court. Our first case comes from Dakota J to the court and whomever else it may concern. My girlfriend and I briefly played in a campaign with a couple of neighbors. The DM was one of the neighbors, a cool goth guy. I just, okay, I just want to stop and say, please, that's so freaking awesome that you're playing D&D with your neighbors. It's going to go bad. I know it's going to go bad, but you, your heart is in the right place.

Don't let this deter you from that. It's almost like being in a relationship with someone that's like your roommate or something like that. Sure. Well, obviously that is what marriage is. That's what we're doing. I mean, like, hooking up with your roommate. Aren't you married to your roommate? God damn it.

You know what I mean. Merv. to take a laugh or something? I guess I fucking do. Oh my God. What I mean to say is playing D and D with your neighbor means that when this inevitably goes wrong, because it will, because it's dungeon court. Now you never have an excuse ever again because they see when you're home.

You can't say I don't have time. You can't like, just be like, oh, I'm just going to go back to my place. I've got work to do or something. And then they catch you lounging in the backyard. That was a good point. You're back to presided. Thank you. Presided and driving.

Jake, continue. We played a couple of times over the summer during which it slowly became less fun. For one, the DM was very focused and didn't like having to explain himself more than once. And one of the other players, another neighbor, had never played before and was having some difficulty. The DM did not like spending time explaining to her

how the game worked. And when we tried to help, he'd continue on without giving her time to understand what was going on. Just a super testy goth. That's awesome. I actually have such a visual. Yeah. For another thing, I was playing a cleric and my girlfriend a paladin.

And when we asked about what pantheon the world used, he said, quote, I haven't decided yet. I played several sessions without knowing who my God was. And I never actually found out. In the end, school got busy. And my girlfriend and I weren't really feeling the campaign. I wrote the DM to quit and he never responded. Now, whenever I see him, Murph called it, he ignores me, which is getting. increasingly awkward as we are. Neighbors.

Justices, have I done wrong here? Could I have done something different? I throw myself at your mercy. We're all picturing goth neighbor having like a totally black house with like black roses out. Yeah. Oh, wow. I'm going goth to the to the nines. Like, yeah.

I'm picturing like built like a scarecrow. Does drive the car from the monsters and parks it. Honestly, on your side of the curb and that's a little rude. It's fun to imagine him just doing like normal lawn activities. Like he's in tight black skinny jeans. an eyeshadow, but like blowing leaves off the porch. Yeah, it feels like you shouldn't see a goth getting into a camry, but that is what this is. Yeah.

Yeah, they're supposed to be mysterious, but there's like no mystery about this. You should be at the mall. Yeah, they should emerge from a coffin. Yeah, right. And yeah, you probably see them pick up their mail. Right, and the parasol isn't helping. Go on. So this person did nothing wrong because it sounds like this DM was just a pretty bad

DM. If anything, the only thing you did wrong was, playing D&D with your neighbor. Can I say here's like something that's surprising to me, a goth, someone who is in touch with the dark side, in touch with the darkness within, in touch with life's ephemorality, couldn't pick a pantheon. Wow. That is really interesting that you're not, yeah.

If I'm a goth, are they not a true goth? I think they might not be a true god. A false goth. A false goth. A false goth. Yeah. How could you not want to design a bunch of demons and gods? gods and stuff is your god. Yes. It is on your shoulders now to like call this goth out. They are your

neighbor. So you're going to be able to know like if if there is like one beautiful rose growing in a mix of their black rose bed, you're going to have to call them out. Like if you catch them in their bathrobe with I hate Monday's coffee mug just like taking in the morning sun, that's not got behavior. Yeah. What is that got goth doing outside? Yeah. Why you're sitting on that porch swing, bud. I think I still want to commend the fact that you're fraternizing with your neighbors. I think that's beautiful. And I also think you did nothing wrong. You fraternized and then it just didn't work out. I also think it's such an obvious red flag that like a DM didn't like explaining the rules to a new player. Yeah. A huge red flag. Yeah. I don't want to explain the rules. I don't want to choose a God and

also ignored you when you quit. I think the DM, they just weren't that invested maybe. I get being flat-footed when stuff like that happens of like, I don't know, maybe you focus so much on building the town or something and you weren't super thinking about a pantheon, but then you have people playing clerics and stuff. You just have to take a time out and be like, one sec and figure it out. And not wanting to explain anything to a newbie player too. I also think that like if someone's playing a cleric and you're like, I don't have time to design a pantheon, cool. There's just so many resources for a pantheon. Yeah, just like the Dawn War Pantheon or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Pick whatever's in the

DM's guide. It's in the book. Here's another hack. I actually don't have a pantheon yet. Why don't you choose a god that you're excited? Yeah. You could also push off the work to somebody else. It's called collaborative storytelling.

What do you think? Who would you want to worship? Yeah. Between all this being outside, like catching them on the front lawn and then not wanting to create a pantheon, I'm calling false goth here. Yeah. This is a false goth. It's a false goth.

Yeah. I think that this person is like going through a hot topic phase, but not a true goth. Thank you. They wear the clothes, but they don't live the lifestyle. You know what you got to do is the next time you catch them outside, pretend like you're like watering your plants or something like that, and just flick them with the hose real quick and see if their makeup comes off and find out what's underneath because I feel like it's a false got to.

Yeah. Because if they're a true got to, that's a makeup tattoo. That's real. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's got to be permanent. Those colors shouldn't run.

All right. And with that, we're on your side. You seemed like a completely, also it was like, very nice of you to tell the DM that you didn't want to play anymore. Like you could have shirked the social aspect of it or something or ghosted them. Right. You could have ghosted them and then become nocturnal so you never have to see them again. You were socially courageous. Well, the thing with the nocturnal is you're going to see the goths.

Yeah. We could sense the goth to only shop at Aeropostal. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. You're never allowed to go to Spencer's again. Although, isn't that stuff kind of like back in style now? It doesn't matter if it's in style.

It's not in style for gotts. Yeah, you're right. you're right yeah goth style is kind of eternal yeah so you're you're not allowed to be at uh hot topic spencer's gifts not even hollister because it's dark in there yeah so you can do an aeropostel american eagle you're right holster was dark yeah it was hard to see what they had to give it like a club vibe what were they going oh the music was loud it smelled intense and you couldn't tell like what colors any of the clothes were because it was so it was so bleak in there it just feels like when you're hosting like a bunch of like teenagers you should keep the lights at a certain level well they have good eyes didn't need to be bright true true yeah if you can't see in the hollister you shouldn't be at the hollister

okay exactly so fucking ordered our next case comes from spider pasta dear inimitable justices and bailiff I'd change train cars to avoid standing next to. Wow. Wow. That sounds like it actually happened. What did you do to spider pasta? I don't shower is the thing. Oh, okay.

Oh, sure. That's got to be it. That's cool. Yeah, you're on that no shower diet. Yeah, exactly. It's good for your hair, I hear. It's shower minning. And smell maxing.

I am but a humble player in need of a guiding hand. I am in a group nearing the final session of our third campaign. Our DM is really passionate about world building. and has made a super cool story with a fun cast of characters for us, and I am incredibly appreciative of all the work he puts in. I actually love when people give these really, like, really, like, polite preambles. That being said, he makes his girlfriend watch and won't let her play and yells at her every time she says anything.

What should I do? Is he a false goth? Am I wrong? There's just something rumbling in the attic. I don't know what it is. He has three wild dogs that nipped. at me hard. They broke in the skin and I'm really sick. His seven cousins are always there and they're always playing a different game loudly in the corner. Is it my fault for playing a Ranger?

Last session before making our way into the final dungeon, our DM narrated 15 PCs we've met throughout the campaign arriving to help in our hour of need. And it truly was great to see some beloved familiar faces. However, the problem is now we have 20 plus people in every encounter, including enemies. And while some of these NPCs are great, to be honest, this campaign has been three years long. And I do not remember some of them for the way. In our last session, we had 29 creatures on the battlefield with initiatives. It's causing combat to be an absolute slog with legitimately an hour between rounds.

Oh, no. Am I wrong to feel a little bit annoyed by this? Should I say something? Or is it my responsibility as a player and a friend to summon up some more enthusiasm while he takes his 10 turns in combat? Since we're close to the end of the campaign, it's not really that big a deal, and I don't want to cramp his style and creativity, but I feel like it's showing that I'm a little less enthused and I feel bad. I do think it's really funny picturing them, like, the fact that they were like, some of them were beloved faces. I was glad to see. Others, I don't remember. I'm just picturing like a DM with a fucking self-satisfied smile being like, and Dinkle McGriefs comes out. Do you remember, Dinkle McGriefs saved you from the.

bandits back in 2016. Remember? You remember Deval McGrieves fled as a scary cat and a coward from the bandits when they attacked you? You remember you helped them with his sex addiction. Okay, that one I probably would have remembered. Yeah, that's true. That's notable. That was during the session when my dogs bit you.

And my cousins were loudly breaking up. Yeah, I think you can broach this subject with your DM and be like, hey, can we have like swarms of friends instead of everyone having an individual turn. Because there are ways to handle this. I feel like it's really weird when this happens and the DM doesn't notice right away that they fucked up. Yeah, they should have known when the table didn't,

when there was no pop for Dinkle McGrath. Yeah, if Zingle's not getting to pop, you're fucked. Whoa. I just saw blink faces when I brought up Dinkle. I think, though, this is like easy because like, It sounds like you have love and respect for this DM, which is and friendship, and that's beautiful. I feel like it's as simple as being like, could we do swarms of our allies? Because like it's just, it's making it hard to have fun strategizing in battle when there's so much time between turns.

It's also got to be a burden on the DM. And I think you can be like, hey, we know that it's a lot to run all of these NPCs at once. Like, we're happy to like, we can take some off your plate or we can just condense them all into like one turn or something. I think you can offer it almost as like help to the DM because they've certainly got a lot on their plate with the end of this campaign. So like you could pitch it that way too. It is really funny though when you pitch it like that and they're like, no, actually, I'm having a ball. Yeah. I mean so much.

Right. Then you're done. You cannot. Then you're like, okay, good. I love it too. I'm just making sure you love it as much as me. Sweet. Okay.

I think the turns should take long. Dinkle McGreeves was gone for two years. Yeah. And I want to know everything that he did. Dingle McGreeves saved my life. Any other commoners you want to throw back in the mix, actually? I'm looking for two hours between turns. Oh, yeah.

I'm looking at my notes. There was that guard by the castle wall. The guard with a chili stain on his pants. There he is. He's back. Yeah, chili guard. Yeah. So you, I mean, you could, you could try that move, but then it does kind of set you up to

potentially have to backtrack and be like, okay, actually I was asking for me. Yeah. Just knowing myself, I might just, suck it up and pretend that it wasn't bothering me for like the last session. But I think that's the wrong instinct because I think the DM after doing all the work deserves to stick the landing. Yeah. You're doing your DM a service. Like they want to stick the landing. Yeah. Yeah. I remember doing this less with like NPCs that are on your side. But I remember in campaign one specifically, I would make the mistake of being like there's 10 minions here. And rather than having

them in swarms, it would just be like, going to take 10 attacks. It just takes so long. It's so needless. The DM's guide doesn't really offer any, like, good solutions for this. So if you are a DM that likes to, like, play things by the book, this is just kind of like what you're supposed to do. I think they've introduced, like, a mob tactic in, like, the 2024 guide, which is, like, helpful for monsters. It kind of, like, streamlines it so that you don't even, like, have to roll for their damage. But, like, for, like, having a swarm of NPCs, there really should be, like, a unified tactic for that. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if you could also, if you want to go the Caldwell route and just be like, I want to take some stuff off your plate.

We don't have to call it the Caldwell route. We don't have to like trademark it like that. I don't think. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. If you wanted to sort of, if you wanted to bring it up as gingerly. Caldwell it up and lie.

Yeah. You could also be like, oh, do you want to like pass out some of those MPCs and we could play them? Just because then that might keep you more engaged in battle. Yeah. I also agree with Jake if it's like there's one more. battle, then you could suck it up for one more battle and just kind of be like... Well, I guess if it's one more battle, I would be like, at least let me roll for them.

But at the same time, I don't know, would you guys want to play like just other random people? I'm kind of attached to my character. I don't know how much I cared of. It really does, like, undercut, like, the favored NPCs coming back. Like, imagine if it's like Maveris and Apple Scrumper coming to help us in the final battle. And then there's also just like, I remember all of our PCs because they were kind of awesome. but like a Duttles robot or something. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

Hard one. Yeah. Hard one. That one ghost girl we met at one point. But I do think that it's, it is significant though, that the ones that you mentioned wanting to come back were also PCs.

Right. Yeah, that's definitely true. Because you're like, oh yeah, more people at the table. That sounds fun. Guys, I think I've got to figure it out. I think I've got like the definitive answer here. Okay, this is the Caldwell route starting now.

Right. This is the Caldwell route starting now. Wow. So when the DM takes the turn with all of the PCs, you pull out a ham carving station with a beautiful pork shoulder from the Iberian Peninsula, just like real quality pork. And you're just carving that up for everyone. So you've kind of got like a little like side carving station going on so you guys can all like snack and enjoy this turn. So like it becomes almost a theater experience. Yeah. I think that's really going to help everyone

lean into like so much work to source that. What do you what do you mean by theater experience? Like a dinner theater. Like a dinner theater. Yeah. Murph. Like a dinner theater. The Colo Roop made a lot of sense, Murp. Are you presiding? Are you presiding? I'm curious about the carving station. I think the carving station. I don't know. I guess I haven't been to much dinner theater. Do they have carving stations? Well, this is an elevated dinner experience, man. I'm trying to make this special. This is the end of the campaign, you know? I want them to stick the landing. Would that be distracting from the show? Is there a heat lamp in there?

You are going to need a heat lamp. You will need a heat lamp. Wouldn't that draw so you have like a spotlight on the actors and then you'd be cutting over to like someone just cutting a ham. Murph makes a really good point that by taking out a carving station you are kind of upstaging the DM. Okay. So you think it needs to be pre-cut. Because I'm going to want to watch you carve. Yeah. Right. So normally you're going to want to hire a carver because this is quality ham and it needs to be carved as such. But you're probably going to want to like forego that. Maybe have it pre-cut, pre-carved ham. just laid on strips. Are you pretending to garb it still?

I think if you show up with loose ham, then it's not really, I don't know, losing the theater is just like, I'm handing out wet ham to everybody. That's not wet. It's cured. So, I mean, like, that's egg on your face, I guess. But, yeah, I pictured it as dried ham. Okay. I pictured it as moist because you're carving it.

Like, that shouldn't be that driver. I think it's a perfect blend, really. It's pretty cured. It's what we're looking at here. It's not roast. I will pivot, though, for actual advice, because I do. did play like a home game that was that could be like kind of slow and like have people talking a lot like uh and i would just paint minis during it oh so i was like still engaging with the story

but it was like i had something to do with my hands and these were like long sessions when we would be playing right but i'm saying like i think that it still felt engaged because i'm painting minis that like we're playing with or stuff like that you can really listen and paint a minnie at the same time. Can you listen and carve ham at the same time? Maybe. But I don't think you can set up the whole entire station. But like carving was less about D&D. It was more about the dinner's theater part of it about having a carving station.

Again, I don't really know dinner theater that much. I was picturing sort of like a like real classical like Russian czarist dinner theater where like you are like up in the upper balcony booth and like somebody you've got your personal private hand part of there. I just imagine how distracting that would be. I'm trying to elevate. the experience here is what I'm saying. I don't know. I think the call over it's pretty good. All right. It's certainly an option.

We're against this DM, obviously. Way too many NPS. You know what? To not realize how bad you fucked up instantly and to not be backtracking and apologizing. I don't know. I am giving this DM a lot of credit by being like this player seems very nice and seems to have liked this campaign, but this is self-indulgent in a very kind of strange way. So I don't think we need to be that nice to this DM anymore.

I think that we could sentence them to carve ham because that's going to be so taxing that they don't have time to be self-indulgent. Carve down your NPCs, carve up your ham. Yeah. Thank you. Okay. So they need a ham carving station while they DM to carve ham at demand from their players. On demand ham. On demand ham.

Whoa. It's a ham pain. The end of the ham pain. This is beautiful. Okay. So ordered. And our next case comes from Ken. Ken.

Hello, you beautiful justices and the bailiff rake. Oh, God. Thank you. I bring you the case of the shambling mound and the disappointing lightning. I had been DMing for a group of friends for a while. One session, they encountered a shambling mound on the road. The fight wasn't too tough, but it was a decent challenge. They had just leveled up, and the party druid had just unlocked called lightning

and was excited to try her new spell. We described a gathering storm above her turtle head and the great power of lightning bending to her claws and zapping the shit out of that pile of grass. As she rolled the damage, I happened to take a second look at the shambling mound, stack sheet, and notice something. They have what's called lightning absorption. Whoa.

Oh no. Meaning she healed it for all the damage she did. Judges, she was pissed. They ended up winning the fight, but she was always hesitant about using that spell afterwards. To this day, she doesn't hesitate to Razmi about targeting her and nerfing her cool new spell.

Even after I showed her that it's just a straight-up feature of the monster. Yeah. Judges, should I have ignored that feature to give her a dope storm moment or was I right to play it raw? Also, does she have good reason to keep razzing me after all these years? P.S. The druid is my wife.

Whoa. The druid was his wife all along. Freaking plot twist. Yeah. So here's the thing. This one's a little tough for me because obviously it's not really the DM's fault because it's the trade of the monster. I will say, unless

this is like a new thing for 2024, it's very weird game design that there are like one out of every 300 monsters will do something like this where they'll just be like, they actually, for no reason, they love fire. And you're just like, what? This bug loves fire. Why? Yeah, yeah, because it's a shambling mound,

it's just like a bunch of vines. It's a pile of vines. Why would it love lightning? Yeah. I don't know. it's probably based on some myth that where it makes sense but it is like you're not i don't know when you play like a video game or something and you're in a tutorial you kind of like learn the mechanics of a game and i feel like d and d fucks this up sometimes where it's just like i have not learned that okay sometimes creatures love lightning spells or you know convert damage to it's very like

Pokemon in a way that uh d and d is not in fact you kind of have to like get that out of your players because when everyone starts playing D&D, the first thing they do is like, this guy's on fire, I pour water on him. Like everyone always wants to do that type of stuff and you have to just be like, you're a paladin Caldwell, you probably just want to smite it, you know? No, no. If they're a fighter type, then I'll send a bunch of bugs after them. That should solve this.

What did you say? I'm carving a ham. What should my player do? But I actually do think that you're right, Murtha. It is kind of on the game design because if it had been a lightning monster or a storm monster or a storm method or something like that. And she had done this and then it had happened. It would have felt like, yeah, duh, of course. But instead it's just kind of like, I'm literally like reading the description and it's like it trudges ponderously through bleak swamps consuming any organic

matter in its path. So why? So I'm reading. So in the back story of the shambling mound spawned by lightning, a shambling mound results from a phenomenon in which lightning or fade magic invigorating. an otherwise ordinary swamp plant. As the plant is reborn into its second life, it chokes the life from plants and animals around it, mulching their corpses in a heap around its roots. Those roots eventually give up their reliance on the soil, directing the shambling mound to seek out new sources of food.

I think it's fair to bring that up. I guess arguably, like, you really should have known this going into it if lightning features this much. It's very 80s movie that something gets hit by lighting and becomes magic. You know what it is? I think it's based on Swamp Thing, the comic book. I think that, like, in Swamp Thing,

a guy like falls into a swamp and gets like absorbed by the plants and then like lightning strikes it if I recall and then he comes back to life as a shambling swamp man got it from my limited experience of DMing oftentimes if something had a weird immunity that didn't make sense I would ignore it or if I wanted to use it I would make sure to be like do an insight check do a perception check or yeah yeah description it's like you see this thing that was animated yeah that's a good call like before they cast the lightning, you could have been like, do a perception check or an insight check. Or even when you're describing the creature, you could be like, yeah, it was like, like, have someone do like an intelligence check. You know this thing is this, right? Like, yeah. If it's going to be such a

weird one that is not intuitive, then I like usually like try to hint it so that it's not like totally out of nowhere. I think you could even like witness the origin of this thing. Like, how would it be a stormy day or a stormy night and you see like a bolt of lightning strong. like a big patch of swampy grass or something like that. For this, though, the DM basically in the moment was like, oh, shit, it has this. I didn't see this before. So this is like just a little bit of a game design thing, right? Because it's like it's spawned by lightning.

So it's created by lightning. It's not. I think this is a lot easier or more clear cut. If it's just like, this is a lightning elemental. It walks around as a bunch of lightning bolts. It's like, yeah, if you shoot that thing with lightning, you can assume it'll be fine. I was created by my mom, but I'm not immune to her. That's true.

If I'm less immune to her than everyone else. I'm vulnerable to her. I got a goddess. I'm vulnerable to her. Yeah. So this one I think is really tough. I think you as the DM can definitely just put this in your game and just look at the stats and just be like,

uh, it's got resistance to this or it gets healed by this. And I also think it's fine and maybe even justified for the player to be like, wait, what the fuck that happens? Okay. Yeah. It's just not part of the game 99% of the time.

I feel like I'd be more underwhelmed if it was just like, I cast lightning and it's immune and it does nothing. Then like this is at least kind of funny. Like, oh, fuck, I healed it. Yeah. Yeah. You could have a. Yeah. I think that it's like a better table moment than just being like, yeah, you wasted your spell.

True. If I were in your shoes, though, as the DM though, I would be like kind of heartbroken to see like a druid just avoid a cool spell. Again, maybe there's maybe there's a lot more of this in the game. But to me, we're set up to expect things like reactions and stuff like that of like, like, somebody has a counterspell or something like that or they have like a way to reverse something or whatever. Like you use a reaction and then something like that happens in battle. But when it's just like straight up, this guy gets healed. It just feels kind of weird. I think I might think it's the DM's fault.

Really? I think it's, well, I think it's on the DM to kind of know this about the, like they found out in the split second. as the lightning was cast, they're like, oh shit, no, you can't do that or it's going to heal it. I feel like you could just know that ahead of time. Right. It's on the DM for this, but I don't know if the DM deserves to be repetitively razzed. Yeah, I don't know that the razzing. The repetitive rasing is earned. I want to do a roundtable. We've all DMed. You've pulled out this random monster. You didn't look at it ahead of time. You drew a cast lightning. You see this lightning absorption feature. What do you all as a DM do?

I feel bad. Yep. I think my. immediate reaction is like to try to retcon it. Be like, oh, wait, before you cast that, like, give me a perception check. Yeah. I would be like, I think I would think it was my responsibility. Like, oh, shit. I don't want to like make you accidentally do something that's going to waste your turn. I think I retcon it too.

Or at least I try to be like, give me an insight check. Oh, you failed your insight check. Okay. Then we go through with it. Yeah. But then if we're talking about the razzing rights thing, I wouldn't expect to be razzed about this at all. I would see. I actually, I have the opposite opinion.

I kind of feel like everything that went down is fine, including the razzing. Yeah. Okay. Because you're just going by raw. I would say you should know your monsters going in, and that way you don't have this disappointing moment. If you're like, well, first off, you might just be like, yeah, I have the shambling mound out there.

It eats lightning. That's just part of its thing. And that's fine. I don't know. If it was part of my story or something like that, everything I do usually has some kind of like homebrew element to it. So if there was no reason for it to have lightning absorption, it probably just wouldn't have lightning absorption.

I change stuff all the time. Yeah, I also might just, like, in the moment, be like, great, it works. But this one doesn't know. Your monsters are your responsibility.

Like, you're running the game. So it's fine that they absorb lightning, but like your player can then razz you and just be like, why the fuck did that leaf eat my lightning? That's insane. We should have a picture of Murph, and he, like,

looks really serious. He's, like, crossing his arms. And it just says, your monsters are your response. You tell that in the NatPod merch shop. It took a sign in like a gym or something like that. I just picture it being like a giant,

like you're in like the locker room and like next to the like, don't leave towels on the floor. It says your monsters are your responsibility. Coach Murph says your monsters are your responsible. Caldwell, what do you do in this moment? So I think what I do is I definitely allow it in the moment and then I realize what I've done afterwards. And I probably mention it or keep it to myself. And then what I do is later on, I introduce a different version of this that is immune to lightning, a sort of a leveled up

version of the monster. A completionist. Yeah. I try to make like a nemesis system happen here where it's just like, oh, like you killed my brother. So I like worked out by sticking myself with the cattle prod until I'm immune to lightning. Something like that. That's cool. I think I mean, Caldwell, perhaps you're right. Maybe it's a swamp thing thing or maybe there is. something in folklore that this is supposed to be based on that we're just not getting. I think it's also fair, though, to, like, when there's something that's like a bit like, oh, why do a bunch of vines eat lightning? I think that's a totally natural, like, if it's based in folklore, then, like, when you

introduce the character, like, when you introduce the monster, you might nod to that folklore. I think I often, just because, I mean, I've been on record saying that I think stun, and stuff like that is really boring. So I do ignore certain stuff. Like if I'm looking at a monster and I'm sitting there and I'm like, why does this toad have resistance to cold damage? We're just going to go ahead and lose that.

Right. Well, we all know that. It's because toad's hibernate. Yeah. But just to be like, time out everyone. You do half damage. What? Why?

Yeah. So I think we should punish this DM to read the 1984 Allen Moore run of Swamp thing because it's really good and it'll fill in a lot of gaps in your mythology. Cool. So are we ruling against the DM then? I think I would.

I think I would. I'm kind of voting to throw this out. I think this just throw it out. Well, I just don't know. I mean, I think this is just like a weird design for a character. Like, why the hell is this? You're kind of saying like, yeah, but the DM chose it. It's not.

Yeah, that's true. If you look at the champlain mounds like, uh, stat block, it has why are we? Lightning absorption. It's the one of trait. Oh, that's, wow, Jake. That's a good point. First off, I'm saying this is a rightful razzing Because even if I agree with your right

To run this raw, you're allowed to get made fun of for your leaves eating lightning. I was kind of like, oh yeah, It's kind of like a wrongful razz to keep bringing it up But then the way that Murph described it, I was like, Oh yeah, this is what D&D is. Why is it resistant to fucking fire? Because the leaves eat the lightning, Murf.

Because the leaves eat the lightning, Murph. It's a giant fucking vine monster. Well, it's very wet. It's from a swamp. It's super wet. Okay, it's super wet. All right. Caldwell, that's actually super buttoned up.

I'm sorry, it's buttoned up, and I will be rousing you about this moving forward. You're allowed to. I actually think it's going to, the fact that we're coming out so hard to get shambling mound, I think it's going to be controversial. I think there's a controversial podcast taking. Did you, D.Corp controversial? It's never happened. Anti-shambling mound.

Wow. The shambling mound heads are going to jump out. I mean, it is cute as hell. Wow. It does 136 HP. I could see you guys fighting a shambling mound in Skoldova, actually. Oh, but none of us are spellcasters, so then I couldn't do lightning damage if I tried. That's right.

Unless I could, and I'm not remembering. If you don't like our Shambl mount takes, shambl-on-passed. Yeah. All right, so, yeah, I'm actually, I am down to rule against this DM. You should know your monsters. It does just have the one trait. You're absolutely right. And I think, yeah, you're-

It has a paragraph that talks about how it eats lightning. Also, like, part of DMing is sometimes, like, pulling a monster out of your ass, and then you have to be able to not punish your players when you don't know it. Or if you do, eat the RAS, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. The way the Shambling Mount eats lightning. Razz absorption. Yeah.

Razz absorption. All right. Yeah. So we sentence you to absorb the Razz. Yeah. It is healing in its own way. So ordered. Hey there, NatPoles.

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plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first three-a-wspawful. months only, then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. Goodbye, sweeties. Our next case is from Mira. To my beautiful judges, me and Jake,

this is a spit sound for me. I bring you the case of the two-in-tune player. I am a DM and I've just wrapped up a red wall-themed campaign. All of my players are great, but one has a habit of figuring out where I am leading the story and dropping everything to help me. If he senses I want them to go in a cave, he'll get everyone to go in a cave,

even if it makes no sense for his character. His character is in love with a sexy squirrel, and instead of pursuing her one time, he ignored the sight of a swishing tail because he thought I wanted them to move on from an area. I've said above the table, do whatever you want, but the message isn't sinking in.

Justices, is this my fault? Does this guy just love a railroad? Should I be punishing his character for this behavior? It's not a railroad. I await your friend. flawless judgment. You are so blessed. Yes. You are so blessed with this plot hound. Yes. Listening to the maniacs that

our other submitters have to deal with and you're sitting here being like, why does this person want to do all the stuff that I planned? How dare you? How absolutely dare you? This guy loves my fucking story. He's obsessed with it. He doesn't want to fuck a squirrel. Did you make her sexy enough?

did she have big eyelashes that batted alongside the switching of the tail what you have on your hands here is the scrat from ice age who is always chasing that nut and you as the dm are laying down that nut and scrat is going for it and sometimes when scrap gets that nut it accidentally falls off a cliff and then it causes a big crack in the ice and then the continent shift around and then uh-oh the mammoth and the big sloth they got real problems coming up for them but they're going to learn something by the end so like you've got a scrat on your hands and i god I wish that every DM had a scrap to do it. Because a scrap is going to be really helpful in a bind. They are doing whatever they want. They're playing the story. Yeah. They like your game. They showed up to D&D and they said,

this person worked hard on a story and I'm so curious to find out what it is. I am also. Everyone, let's get in the cave. Let's go in the cave. I think that's where the story is. I play like this. If your character, why are your players? I'm going to shout this.

why would it be not what the character would do to follow your story? Why is your story not engaging the characters? What kind of defense is this? Just being like there's no reason. Check out a cave that I have planned, even though there's no reason the character would do it. What? Why would you plan that?

I put a hot squirrel way over in the bushes. It was the hot squirrel like a trap? I'm confused about why you also had the hot squirrel there. It could have been a trap, in which case they may be their character, sensed, huh, this is a little too good to be true. I'm going to keep following the narrative that I'm engaged with. Yeah.

They're sniffing out those story nuts and you got to be happy for that. Also this, yeah, so this player is in love with like a sexy squirrel, so it does seem like they are down for some level of shenanigans. They maybe just don't want to fuck the, they don't want to graphically have sex with the sexy squirrel. They wanted

to have a crush on it. They like flirting with it. They don't like going behind the bush I had the sexy squirrel show up ass up and they weren't interested. She wanted to blow you. Yeah, she wanted to do nuts. It was going to be fun.

We were joking around before, but now you can actually do it, dude. I know you liked a sexy squirrel. Why are your pants still on? When it was just like kind of a fun light joke in the background, you were cool with it, but now that it's time to fuck, you aren't? What? You've got a long rest and she's in heat. Go for it, man.

Dude, she's in heat. I think the sexy squirrel was a trap. I do, I do agree that the sexy squirrel was probably a trap. You're mad that sexy, sexy squirrel trap didn't work, dude. Although I could, I could also see it being sort of like the DM, putting the sexy squirrel there to be like, oh, like you have a choice. You can either, like, pursue your love interest or you can pursue the mission. And it's like, you win either way, DM.

I don't understand what you're saying about. Well, I think that, yeah, there is a version of this question where it's just like, hey, no one ever talks to any of the NPCs. There is no story. Like, they kind of just blow through town. and look for a job and then run to the next dungeon, and that's a little unsatisfying me. But it is like,

you're talking about a plot hound that is, again, in love with a sexy squirrel, which implies to me that there's some shenanigans afoot. And then the example that you gave was that they didn't want to, like, actually hook up with the sexy squirrel and decided instead to, like, go into a cave, which is also what I would do. Can I take a moment, though, to just give praise to all of you three?

because like I feel like if I had a story where there was a sexy squirrel and also a mystery in a cave, you would find a way to do both. We would do it all. I think that we would be like, we would be like, I need to fuck that squirrel in that cave.

Right. Right. You'd be rescuing the squirrel in the cave. And then once the squirrel was rescued, we'd leave you alone. Exactly. And we would just hear squirrel sex noises. Right.

I would know the exact trail of acorns to get you to squirrel fucking. Do you think it's possible that this person wrote in to brag? To be like, I have sexy squirrels in their camera. No, no,

my story is so fucking good. My story's so good that my player loves it. Can't be? How good can their story be if there's like, there's no fucking reason this player would want to follow it? It's wild that they want to go on this adventure. In Redwall's defense, there's a lot of sexy squirrels in there,

but nobody's fucking them. Yeah, but that's where D&D comes in though. Right. Exactly. That is true. That's a good point. Is it wrong we're trying to read it.

Are there sexy squirrels in Redwall? I don't remember. Definitely. Critters. Isn't it like a critter? Well, he's like a mouse is like the main guy. Right. There's a lot of squirrels though. Okay. And like I think that some of them are subjectively sexy. Yeah. You don't have to be described as being sexy. You see them. Yeah. You just know.

You think about them. Those are on the sexier side of rodents. Sure. Yeah. Uh-huh. That tail is just kind of flirty. Yes. I've seen it because we have a squirrel in our backyard. My cat is always watching it. And it's tail. He wants to eat the squirrel. I've been one. if its tail is trying to call a mate because it's like a courting thing because the way that it whips that tail around is erotic. It is the equivalent of like a person with like a big long sash going, you ho. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. The squirrels are sashing for sure. Well, I think that,

I think that, I mean, I'm certainly not ruling against the player because they sound like super helpful. Yeah. It sounds like they're really playing the game. How could we rule again? That's such, how could How on earth could we rule against the player? If it was anything. It's not like a player that would be great to have at the table. Even if we were sympathetic with your case, we couldn't possibly rule against a player who's just, whose crime is following the game.

There's absolutely a world where, you know, a player is sitting there with their arms crossed because someone is telling them a story about how their child got kidnapped by bandits, and they don't care. They just want to go fight the bandits, and that's kind of annoying or whatever. Or hypothetically,

there's a world where it's like, well, the rest of the players want to go off and do something, but this one player is like really plot focused and they're not letting the other players go off and do something. That does not sound to be the submission that we are receiving. Yeah. The one example of not being distracted by a squirrel's sexy tale is a wild example. I mean, look, my cat is always distracted by it. He wants to eat this squirrel. But I've never damned for my cat. And that's for a reason. Yeah. True. Right. I don't, I hate to say this. My cat is like amazing at everything he does. I think he would be a really bad PC. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. I think he would roll the die when I didn't ask him to. I think he'd wander away. I think he'd probably come cuddle with me and see all my notes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bad mic etiquette. Yeah. Also, like, I don't think he'd talk. Yeah, that's true. But would he be a problem player or would he just not be like that. Or a quiet cousin? Probably quiet cousin. He'd be a quiet cousin for sure. Yeah, he'd be a quiet cousin. Yeah. All right. It's not a problem. So we have to rule against this DM that hates this frankly gem of a player.

Yeah. I'm so sympathetic for a plot hound. I know. I think we just got to sentence you to look at what you haven't appreciated it. No, we have to do worse. Okay. How about, so we do this punishment a lot, but it does seem like this DM is trying to write their own Redwall book where there's a lot of squirrel fucking.

So I think you maybe need to write the world's first. They don't fuck squirrels in Redwall. No, no. No, I'm saying like they need to write the world's first. Oh, you are rated redwall. The red wall with all squirrel fucking. Yeah. The squirrel fucking red wall that we've all been demanding.

Crimson barrier. Red band red wall. How about that? That's nice. Wow. Okay. There you go. It's going to sell so fucking well.

It's going to sell like the hotcakes that they have in the monastery there. I just realized, do you have to put like an NC17 label on a book ever? I don't think I've ever seen a book have a parental. Did 50 shades of gray have one? That was fucking erotic, right? It was definitely fucking erotic. It was kind of tame. I think that that was a missed opportunity for them.

I think this should have like a literal red band around it, like a seal. And the band says like, don't read this if you don't want to be horny. Oh, I do remember there was a time when they would make DVD, like the DVDs that were like unedited or whatever. The advertising of it was like, be careful. This DVD is crazy. I'm having a memory. Do you guys remember back in the day when they used to have like at movie theaters

it would have a poster that would be illustrations of the different people that could go to each movie so it'd be like gee it would be images of like kids and their parents or whatnot and then it would be PG

it would be like a little bit older and everything it would get down to like R and it would be like a couple or something like that and it would be like NC17 and it would just be like a weird dude or something like that. There was a rabbit that was there for all of the movies.

So the rabbit not only went to the like G movies but also like went to that NC17. There was a horny rabbit. Whoa. I don't remember that at all. So they called it X on the poster.

I'm looking at a picture of it now. And the rabbits. Is the rabbit there? The rabbit's at the NC17, right? Or the X-Rid? Yeah. It's actually it's weird because it's a family.

It's like a couple as well. There's like a man and a woman. They're looking to spice up their marriage. Sure. Yeah. Right. And then there's like a guy in a jacket that's like clearly going to jack off because he's wearing a jacket and that's like the

symbolic and the rabbit's there by himself too right the rabbit is there and the rabbit is wearing sunglasses to show that he's a cool rabbit I don't know how you found this because I searched rabbit X rated and Emily you're that's insane bad Googling skills that's wild show us what you found Emily the people in the X column look fucking amped to be going to see porn. Oh I found. I found it. Wait, there's a giraffe at the G-rated one. Yeah, G for giraffe. It's weird because it looks like a great dane with an extremely long neck. But I guess it's just saying like, hey, anyone can come. If you're a great dame with a really long neck, get into this movie. Why not? Have fun.

This is actually like such a fun poster. There's a man with a top hat for the G-rated, but he can't see anything above G-rated. There's a man with sunglasses at the G-rated. he's not allowed anything else. Right. There's a guy with a boom box for PG. Well, it's not about, well, yeah, that's weird. But it's not about what you're not. It's like, this is the crowd that comes here.

So the guy with the top hat is very whimsical. So he just wants to go see up or something, you know? To delve further into this, in the PG-13, the rabbit has his eyes covered by a child. Because there's like some things that might not be appropriate for children in PG-13. And yet the rabbit, is it the same rabbit that's kind of coming back with sunglasses, has the rabbit snuck in under a different persona?

Yeah, because the rabbit's not going out any R. The rabbit's sneaking into it. Whoa, the rabbit's snuck in the rabbit isn't an R? No, the rabbit's not in R. The rabbit's not an R. Oh my God, dude. Get that rabbit out of there. They're not ready for this.

And only the horny business couple is going to the R and X movies. And then the guy in the track suit. Do you think the rabbit is in there? The rabbit skipped the R movie because it was like a real thoughtful. It was like the drama with Robert Pattinson. And it was like, this is just like a thoughtful. portrayal of a relationship. I think that the rabbit skipped

the R-rated movie because it doesn't like violence but it loves hardcore fucking. Yeah. Well, it's a rabbit. So rabbits are known for fucking. So why don't we say this DM since the rabbit missed the R-rated movie. Yeah. This DM needs to go see the drama with a rabbit.

Yeah. Has to like go adopt a rabbit, bring into the movies, go watch the drama. Yeah. Leave and take care of the rabbit. Because you're not a lot to bring snacks in but I think there's any rules about whether or not you can bring a rabbit into the movie. So that should be fine.

Yeah. That should be totally fine. Show them the poster. Show them the poster. Say this little perv went to see an X-rated movie. Okay. So ordered. Let's do one more case. This one comes from Honky Talk Man.

Whoa. Glorious Supreme Great. And even more glorious Bayliff Jacob P.C. Hurwitz. There we go. This person is named after a pro wrestler that was based on like Elvis basically and was just this cowardice. the honky tonk band who would come out and dance and he had a guitar and he was one of the longest

reigning intercontinental champions ever because he would just get disqualified every time. He's just like a stupid coward. Really? That's really fun to be named after. Yeah. I love it. He's wearing a jumpsuit with a picture of himself on it, which is awesome. It's very funny to name yourself the honky talk man.

And they called you Jacob P.C. Hurwitz because your middle name is P.C. Richards after the office supply company, right? Yeah, yeah. That's right, because I'm a playing character. Great. Okay, Gloria Supreme Crit and even more glorious bailiff, Jacob, P.C. Hurwitz, I grovel at your feet. Years ago, my group held a virtual one-shot session. It was mostly improvised on the spot and not of all meant to be taken seriously.

I was playing a dubious warlock with evil tendencies to take a break from my noble, well-to-do character, and my friend played a tap dancing bard named Bean Kelly. I think this actually really makes me think of us how much we love blowing off steam. You play like a real, you play like a real righteous, earnest character and then you're like, oh, I get to blow off steam, great. I'm squirts McGirt and I have a pretty dirty. And I have a grudge and vendetta and I'm selfish. I forget many details. What I do remember is the quest for the one shot was a very basic quest to find a missing turtle who belonged to the quest giver. We fought the monster who told us the turtle held a great power within and after defeating the

turtle napper, I decided my warlock would want the power and chose to eat the turtle. The session was casual, but Bean Kelly didn't like that I was trying to act against the group. Yeah. I'm kind of on Bean Kelly side. I love it when the blow off Steve characters can't help it invest. Yeah. You can't blow off that much steam. But Bean Kelly didn't like that I was trying to act against the group and tried to fight my

character. I succeeded in my goal and was turned into. to a turtle monster and began to attack the village. Above the table, I was called an asshole. It was called an asshole and things felt a little tense. We reconciled after I was defeated as the turtle monster, reduced with spells and escaped to the bottom of a lake to live my life as a humble turtle. We moved on, but I still can't shake being called an asshole.

Was I wrong for using the one shot to act selfish for once? It seems like clearly if the dean. had like at least one idea in mind or was like doing a very good job of acting on their feet to turn you into a turtle monster for kind of like a phase two of this fight. Yeah, kudos to them. Kudos to them. Yeah. I think you know what you. I think the problem wasn't acting selfish.

It was acting selfish about the only directive of the one shot. It's pretty clear that the DM is if this is all improvised, the reason it works being improvised is because instantly you're like, I like animals. I want to save this turtle. So you did like you made this choice at the expense of other people's fun. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I would have wanted to save the turtle. So if someone just like killed the turtle, I would be like, cool, I'm not having fun

anymore. Is that fun for you, I guess? I wonder if you learned your lesson. Like you played an asshole and you were called an asshole. And that is kind of what happens. That's fair. Yeah. and they just aren't affected by it.

Right. Maybe you want to keep that steam inside you next time. Who knows? Yeah. I think also like, I really think it's just what you chose to be selfish about, happened to be something that happened to undo the entire session. Even if it's a one shot,

it's like, and we all had a great time. But when like Amir betrayed you guys and everything, like we were all laughing and just be like, you're an asshole. Yeah. Yeah. You guys, like Jake was yelling at him.

stuff during the battle. I was mad. Yeah. But like, yeah. And Amir, I don't think ever thought about it again. Yeah. You have to just accept that you, yeah. Yeah.

If you're playing the heel, you have to be the heel. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. Like you don't walk out as the bad guy in a wrestling match. The honky tonk, man. Hey, that's a heel. You go out there, you get booed.

That's your job. So if you really want a PVP, you can't be like, everyone's mad that I undercut the entire mission. It's just like, yeah. Well, you did that. right yeah maybe maybe you just learned that you don't like playing the heel yeah yeah yeah because i have to imagine they were saying you're an asshole in sort of a joking tone like i i don't think that they were like saying it with like tears in their eyes yeah if someone was like you're an asshole you're a bad person in real life then yes i i agree that that that's that's too

much uh right right all we can do is is assume based on on what we have here which is to be like I don't know if so if I did something at the table where I was like ha ha ha ha I've stolen this thing and someone was like you asshole I wouldn't be you know yeah exactly it'd be like yes I was being an asshole and that's what happened yeah yeah you just recreated isildur's fall but with a turtle instead of a ring yeah that's very funny I mean it sounds like the players kind of you can get invested in an improvised story even if there wasn't like a bunch of plot in it yeah I mean you can definitely get invested in a one shot being just because like you literally invest like hours of your time and you don't want it to just like blow up in your face. Yeah. And some people don't like PVP. So you did you decided to do PVP and other people didn't want to do that. So they're like yeah, kind of not super happy about it. Getting turned into a cool turtle monster seems like I'm very jealous for you honestly. That sounds awesome. Sounds like a really cool way to end a session. So I mean, it's not it's neither here nor there, but I do want to give props to the DM again. They really saved the day for me. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that like I also again just would say that like I think that yeah you like kind of initiated PVP but like it was with the only hook of the one shot and I think that was the misstep. If it didn't feel if them calling you an asshole didn't feel fun and it felt like maybe a little more like they were saying that then like probably it was just because you chose the only thing anyone was invested in. Yeah. You were blowing off steam but so were they by calling you. an asshole. Again, I think ultimately this comes down to, this comes down to you wanted to play the heel, but you didn't want to play the heel. Yeah.

Don't play the heel. Just know that for the future. Yeah. Guys, do you know there's only one turtle in all of the Redwall series? Really? Does he fuck? Is he hot? Is he hot?

Is it hot? No, this is what's fucked up about it. It's just a regular turtle. Whoa. Oh, like, doesn't talk? He's just a dude? Yeah. There's just like, because there's like salamanders.

I think that are like straight up, you know, they're anthropomorphic. But this is just a non-talking turtle. It's the only one that appears in all of Redwall is just a regular turtle. Its nickname is the Walking Stone. It's in Rackety Tam. I don't think I've read Rackety Tam, which is maybe a later book. But honestly, kind of fucked up. That's awesome. That is a cool nickname. That's honestly pretty sick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's why he doesn't talk. Is it the walking stone. Imagine Imagine eating the walking stone. Yeah. Yeah. You'd be in trouble. That's kind of asshole behavior. You would kind of be in trouble, unfortunately. Rackety would be coming for your ass. Well, I guess maybe that's the sentence. Rackety

Tamp comes for your ass. Yeah. Yeah. I think if you, yeah, if you want to be the heel, you got to play the heel. I think we got to, you know what, we're going to give you a much cooler wrestler because you look, you clearly want to be a baby face at the end of the day. You don't want to be a heel. So you shouldn't be the honky tonk, man. So honestly, I'm, I'm pretty sure this guy was never a heel. One of the few wrestlers that I believe was a baby face's whole career. you should change your screen name to Ricky the Dragon steamboat because honestly he's way better than the honky tonk man anyway because you're a steamboat you're holding in your steam you don't want to blow off your steam

well I guess steamboats do blow off their steam but you do it you do it in a responsible way yeah yeah yeah this guy does oh what a sweetie he looks like a good guy he rocks he'd never turned heel yeah I've just confirmed that wow wow all right sick so ordered you will live the rest of your life as Ricky steamboat You could do a lot worse. Yeah, yeah. He really could. Honestly, way cooler than a hockey top man.

We've given out way worse. This punishment, honestly, is not a punishment. It's a huge upgrade. Okay, so ordered. And with that, shall we step into church? Just real quick, I did send a picture of Rackety Tam to the group chat. He is a hot squirrel. So it's just fully confirmed that there are hot squirrels in Redwall.

You guys can all ascertain based on the picture I've sent, but to me, that's a hot squirrel. Okay. we see wow okay he's buff i wouldn't call him hot because he does really look like a standing squirrel i don't know that i also don't know that i'd call him hot i'd have to see his tail move i think when i first saw him i was like he looks pretty buff but he just has like squirrel proportions he's really squirrel he's so he's got like a he looks like a highland warrior i think if you were a fellow squirrel called oh he's dressed like a island warrior he just looks like a squirrel that's You put yourself in this squirrel mindset.

I need five seconds or less to find a way hotter squirrel. I think we could do hotter than this. I think we could do hotter. I like his outfit. But I would need to see that tail move. I'm not like a, oh, a picture of you did it for me. It's like I need to see you in action. Sure.

Okay. All right. You know, agree to disagree. I don't like any of the images I found. And now I actually really need to move to church. Yeah. This one comes from Renee W. You venerable deacons of dice Christ, I have a confession that is not my own.

I come to you on my player's behalf. I run a game for my brother, his wife, and her sister. They are all first time players. Anytime they need to make an important role, they will first roll two dice and see which one rolls higher. They will then use that dice for the important role. What? They always announce personal advantage. Oh, so they do like a, they see who's rolling hot, but they do it before every roll.

Right. So they're not rolling with advantage. They're deciding between two-dye. So it's less cheating and more just like kind of annoying and slow. Yes, exactly. So they always announce before they do this, but I can't help thinking that they are in some way cheating themselves out of an authentic role. What if that first test role was actually Dice Christ's intended outcome?

And they lose out on this destiny by trying to exert their own control. Pray tell, do my players need to ask for forgiveness or is their method sanctioned under Dice Christ? This is, yeah, this really feels like we are having like a theological discussion here. Yes, right. Putting together the like the Nicene Creed or something like that. This is weird answering the questions of the day. To me, you got to do this Axford style. You see who's rolling hot and interesting before the set.

Yeah. And then commit. Yeah. The idea of doing this before every check, it's just way too much. It takes away all the tension and everything because then you're going to roll like you're saying, you're going to get a Nat 20 or something like that. No celebration. And then you roll.

I don't know. Yeah. You're just like undercutting yourself. I think when the DM calls for a roll, the next role is the role. You can't be like, all right, give me a roll. And then they say, okay, give me two seconds. I'm going to go roll two things and then come back. I just genuinely think they're missing out.

But also like if this is fun for them, I am kind of like, okay. I would be fine with this if you did it every once in a while. and it was like a fun moment for, oh, here's a big role. So I'm going to do a practice role. This one does not count. As long as everyone agrees it doesn't count, I think that's fine.

It's just the idea of them doing it multiple times per session. I think it's funny once. Yes. Yeah. I don't think it diffuses tension. I don't think it feels fun at all. Yeah, it takes away the rhythm of the game.

Because you do roll two dice for advantage or disadvantage, and that feels momentous as a result where you see like, oh, this is the dice I could have gotten ah but i've got to go with this seven i guess yeah i need to know if they've gotten to the point where in doing this they've rolled a nat 20 on one definitely they had to have that would be enough for me to be like great i'm never doing that again yeah this is again this is against dice christ's will

i think we all agree i think so this is against the church frankly yeah yeah i think so too this is not okay i think you can do this every if you wanted to do it you could do it like once every other session this is the kind of shit though that spins off into a new sect yeah yeah for sure We got to tamp that down. No, we can't have double rollers in our church. Yeah. We don't want them. Yeah.

Just the one roll, please. Thank you. Just the one roll. Keep it pure. Yeah. Okay, so please go with Dice Christ. Tell your players that... Just tell them they're missing out.

Tell them they're missing out. Yeah, but they do need to be saved. Yeah, you find out who's rolling hot beforehand. Or else you'll be rolling real hot in Dice Hell. Wow. Right? Thank you. Whoa.

And with that, we're going to go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. You can head on over to our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Nadpod. That's NADD-P-O-D to don't sing yet. To listen to our after show, we're going to be having bonus cases of D&D court. So check that out. Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? I do. I do. One of my favorite people in L.A. Live has a play coming out. So if you live in L.A., the Echo Theater Company is putting on for want of a horse. It's very experimental and strange because Liv is.

experimental and strange and beautiful. And it is coming out April 18th through May 25th, 2026. So that's the Echo Theater Company. Hell yeah. Just go. This girl has such a beautiful mind and is a total weirdo. And you'll have a night to remember. Right on. And I would also like to scoot in with a plug. I was on a podcast recently called Talk of the Table. It's like a, you know, TTRPG discussion show. It was super fun. You can go check it out. It is live now.

It's one of the many-sided media shows. If you go to minisitedmedia.com, you will find my episode of Talk of the Table. Check it out. I had a blast. Boom. Right on. And I've got something to plug from our friend Jasper William Cartwright. It's got a new game coming out called Force of Extinction.

Oh, shit. You can check it out on a backer kit. It's coming out in May. They're launching their backer kit. It's called Force of Extinction and it's described as being escape from L.A. meets Godzilla. So it's super cool. Every player and every like person that the game master controls only has three HP.

So you're like a survivalist. You're trying to survive in a world with these like fucked up monsters. Super, super cool system. There's some really cool like base classes that have some like really fun abilities and stuff like that. You play as like a medic or a survivalist or an art. artilleryist, but it is very much like a, you're fighting giant monsters. The world is very bleak. You're trying to survive. Super, super cool. Very different than a lot of the stuff we've been playing.

So check that out. Force of Extinction on Backer Kit from our friend Jasper. Hell. Yeah. Check this out. And I have a plug too. We released a new Jake and Amir sketch, which you can check out over at YouTube.com slash jacon Amir, a March Madness. Back in the saddle. Yeah, dude, we're back. And there might be like a couple. tickets left for Radio City Music Hall tomorrow? Yes. And they're good seats too because it's like they're the MSG comp holds or something that got released

late. Right. Yeah. If you've been waiting now is a good time. Nadpod.com slash live April 10th. Check it out. And you can follow us on social media that we're mayor-man. I use at seat first me at Caldez Caldall, at Extra Demoli and at Jake Hurwit, which is Jake. And you could talk about the show online using hashtag Nadpod. That's NADD-POD. We are. We are.

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best friend. Renee, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard and Jared the soap opera cleric who are prepping an epic playlist for the final battle. Blue Ash, Fico, Thrath. Lucy F. J. K. Guard. Ali. The fairies are free from their caroling chains and are now on spring break pounding butt heavies with the band of boobs. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing barbarian. Lexi H. M.J. the BFG. Roger L. No drag. The pass a fist barbarian. Guestos. John Luca. Hannah R. 3. Windex Dreams. Leon K. legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign.

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K. Toxic Ghost. Daniel McA. Chris A is super stoked to see you at Radio City. Angie H. Melissa A. Without porpoise. Fern M. Kenna's least favorite Sprite girl, excited to attend Radio Critie with their besties, Shelby and Amanda. And of course, Nova V.

Thanks, everybody. That was a hate gum podcast.