Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Soggy Firbolgs, Goodberry Hacks and The "Heat Metal" Hearings

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, as well as the Righteous and Honorable King Bailiff Hurwitz (First of His Name, Reader of Cases and Ruler of Men, LONG MAY HE REIGN!) as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Welcome to Dungeon Court everybody. We are your supreme crit justices Murphy, Axford and Tanner joined by the wonderfully talented Bailiff Jay Kerwitz. Didn't like that. Whoa. You know, some time away,

absence makes the heart grow fonder. Indeed. We get low before you, sir. Yeah. I don't know. I'm feeling uneasy. Take the throne, King. No, it feels like the shoe's about to drop.

Sir, you dropped this. You dropped this round. We'll see. This is a trap. Which of us will you have executed, my lord. You dropped this crown. We'll see. This is a trap. Which of us will you have executed, my lord? You must choose one. I really, really don't want to be put in that position. Just jump right into it.

Here you, here you. Crit is now in session. The honorable Supreme Crit Justices, Axford, Murphy, and Tanner are presiding. Let us begin with a case from Elias R. Elias writes, to the honorable judges and the honorable Bailiff Jerkwitz. Whoa, leave him alone.

That is our king right there. The righteous king. He is good, he is right. My Lord, you must cut them down. You're talking to me when you say my Lord. For the good of the realm, sir. Yes, our Lord. Yes.

No, this is deeply unsettling. You're not lowly, you're our lord. For the good of the realm, sir. Yes, our lord. Yes. No, this is deeply unsettling. You're not lowly, you're our lordly. This is deeply unsettling for me. I bring you the case of the heat metal buff. For my first campaign, I was playing an artificer. Our first session of being at third level, we were in combat and I decided to cast heat metal on an enemy weapon in an attempt

to make them drop their sword. You got it. Great, perfect. As it says in the wording of the spell. However, after casting the spell, the DM then narrated how the bad guy was unaffected and proceeded to deal extra fire damage on his attack because of the spell.

What? Leading to me wasting one of my few spells. When I asked why, he said, because only the blade gets hot. None of the swords I have contain metal all the way through. What is the handle made of, rubber? It's a rubber handle, your honor. Dejected, I ended the spell uncertain

what to use that spell for in the future as a D&D noob. Was this a correct interpretation of the spell or was I unnecessarily sad? I leave myself at your mercy. Imagining Tywin Lannister pulling a sword from the forge and just being like Valerian steel and of course a rubber hilt. We put some ice cubes in the middle of this part.

The carved rubber hilt. Okay, to play it, Diom's advocate. There could be, I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do this. But we- But you have to now. I feel like it. You have to now.

I feel fucking disgusting. You dishonor our king. I feel like I'm holding a floppy handled sword. Yeah. But I think if a combatant had fire resistance or fire immunity, which was from hell or something like that. This could be hypothetically a fun consequence. Yeah, I think that's fine. That's a fine reading of the spell.

If the player doesn't read the clues and it's like you see this giant hell demon that's on fire and you go, I cast heat metal on giant fire demon. That's one thing to be like, no, you dummy. That sword does more damage. I also think that this only works. Like you can only pull a move like this. If this is like the 20th time they've used the spell so that, Oh, we're breaking the mold. And this one combat has consequences. Or if the person is wearing a very thick pot holder and they're holding a sword with a pot holder.

Yeah. This just, this just reeks of the DM. The angry chef. This just seems like the DM is just like, I want my bad guy to actually be super badass. And instead of a glaive, he has an oven mitt. Heat metal does kind of make your bad guy seem like scrubs though. Just be like, Oh, it's hot. it's too hot. It makes so much sense though. The sword's so hot. Have you guys ever cooked with a cast iron pan? Yeah, it gets so fucking hot.

I've definitely touched hot stuff before and it definitely hurts. And the thing about like medieval people is they don't have keys, they don't have car keys. So you can't like heat up their car keys and make their leg really hot. So you have to use their sword. Yeah.

Just workin' with your gut. They definitely had locks. I feel like there were locks and keys. So they didn't. They're not carrying them in their pockets though, I don't think. Yeah, well they didn't have car keys, but they had keys, right? But they probably had keys to get into the... Keys were invented for cars, Jake.

It's not that hard to understand. Follow Caldwellian. What about like dungeon keys? No, what do you not get? You know what? You're not the Lord anymore. Yeah, the reason... People used to steal each other's horses, so I bet that they would lock up the stables.

So it's like having a key to the car. Yeah, right. The car-ridge. That's where car comes from. Yeah, yeah. That's why they call it the car-ridges. Yeah, carriages are named after cars. Right.

Horses are unlocked when you unlock a car-ridge. You have a little keypad for a beep beep for the horse. The horse goes beep beep. Whenever you see people in dungeons worried about the keys, it's because they don't have the keys to their cars. They can't drive away fast. The carriage. Yeah, because they can't get in their carriage

and the guards are gonna catch them on foot. Yeah, y'all remember when Gandalf summons that Nissan Altima? Yeah. Yeah, they all have Jedis. I mean, I mean, Gandalf is a Hertz presidential member. Would people still love the movie if the movie was exactly the same, but instead of shadow facts, it was just a shiny new Toyota Camry.

If Gandalf just rolls in, it's never, it's never explained. Yeah. Yeah. There's a valet there. He had to throw it. It would be the most magical thing he could do. On the seventh day, look to the East, just dawn comes as the Toyota hood ornament

comes over the top of a hill. I think this could work. I think this could really work. This is it. But this, what I'm getting at here, I have to imagine you did a perception check to see if this person was holding a key or a key fob and failing that you went for the sword. Right.

Which gets us back to our starting point here. Yeah. So it says nothing. I mean, the spell just says what it does. Yeah. Right. Like it just says you cause the object to glow red hot. Any creature in physical contact with the object takes 2d8 fire damage when you cast the spell. Until the spell ends, you can use a bonus action on each of your subsequent turns

to cause the damage again. And one of the transgressions to me is that this DM did it to a new player because you haven't, like you basically just confused your player. It also says that if you're holding it, you need to do con saving throws to hang on to it. And you have disadvantage with attacks if you choose to hang on.

So if you wanted to really have your bad guy be menacing, you could be like, fuck it, he's doing the constitution thing. If the DM wanted to do the 2D8 of extra damage, then you have to button it up. You have to pass the constitution save and then you still have to try to hit them with it. And then you're like, this absolute brick shit house

is just gonna bear down, hang on to this red hot sword. And now I'm into it. That's a fun fight. Take the 2D8 damage, do the constitution saving throw, roll with disadvantage and oh look, they still hit ya. And then for the rest of the campaign, they're gonna have like a scar on their palm from where they hold the sword. I still think it's not a move that you do

on someone who's casting the spell for the first time. Yeah. But I mean, no, it's, it's fine if they're doing sure the third time on the third time, all bets are off. But no, I mean, if they're getting to do the damage every turn, that's fine. Even if you want to keep your bad guy menacing. You know what I mean?

It's true. Yeah. So we're, we are on your side. We're certainly on's true. Yeah. So we're, we are on your side. We're certainly on your side. Yeah. I think this DM was afraid of making their bad guy look like a weenie, but guess what? Sometimes you just get whomped

and sometimes you just need to read the spell. You can actually make your bad guy pretty bad ass by just having them hang on to the super hot sword. Way cooler than the rubber sword. It's definitely me cleaning my cast iron pan. Yeah, just hanging onto it red hot. I do want to highlight. I'm so fucking bad.

You just wait for that to cool down for sure. It's so hot that even when I'm wearing a pot holder, it is still too hot. Are you supposed to clean it when it's still hot? No, I don't think so. I'm new to this iron skillet. I think no. And I've been really confused so far.

I'm going to go with no. You're spraying Windex on a hot skillet. I think no. And I've been really confused so far. I'm going to go with no. You're spraying Windex on a hot skillet. I don't think that's right. You're not supposed to use soap on it. So I put water in it to get the bits. You're just boiling the water. Yeah. The bits.

You get the bits off. Yeah. You got to get a little scraper. I got a little scraper. All right. My lord. My lord. Bailiff.

My lord. Please. My liege. Wait, we need to punish this. Oh, wait, wait my lord. My lord, please. My lead. Wait, we need to punish. Wait, wait, wait. True. We do need to punish this DM. I did want to point out something, which is that the DM mentioned that the reason they know this

wouldn't work is because they have a lot of swords. So I feel like we should sneak into their house and replace their swords with rubber swords. Oh, that's cool. I was going to say that we should make them do a PhD in cast iron skillet so they can weigh in once and for all. That's cool. I was gonna say that we should make them do a PhD in cast iron skillet so they can weigh in once and for all. What the proper cleaning of a cast iron skillet is. We could also just heat up their car keys. Okay, let's heat up their car keys. Let's heat up their car keys.

I think we should. What about a rubber handle for a cast iron skillet? Oh my God. That's nice. That would look so good. It would melt instantly. I mean, it would melt instantly. I think this DM should have to touch

Emily's cast iron skillet. Touch my cast iron skillet. Touch the skillet. You coward. This Axeford, it's so hot. I get this thing's so hot. I gotta clean this sucker right after I put the eggs. Now do you understand how heat metal works?

All right, so ordered. Our next case comes from Cameron to the Supreme Crit Justices and that guy named Jason or something. Do you guys want to defend me? Whoa! His name is Jim Hurwitz. Come on now.

And he's the king. That's right. And he's the king. Yeah. You know what? He's our king and he is your king. I am the fucking king. Yeah.

You put some respect on my name. Fellow peasants, does anyone think that our king is getting a little too bold? I'm starting to resent the king to be honest. I was gonna say, Cameron disrespected me, let's throw out the case, let's not even try, right? Well, that would be showing favoritism, I don't think as a king you should be.

My lord, you owe your subjects an audience. Yeah, well now you guys are questioning me and I don't really like that very much either. I'm gonna do a vote of no confidence for the king. Yeah, I think so. He's ruling with a rubber fist. Yeah. He's surping.

Okay. No. All right, passes unanimously. You are not the king anymore. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're done. Absurd. It's actually quite merciful.

You can keep your job. I can keep my old job. Hey, you can keep your old job. You're back. To the Supreme Crit Justices and that guy named Jason or something, now that's your job. Keep my old job. You can keep your old job, you're back. To the supreme crit justices and that guy named Jason or something, now that's accurate. Yeah, that sounds good.

Feels good. Feels right. That's great. I bring you the case of the saturated fur-bulg. I was playing in a short-lived campaign that was DM'd by a friend of mine, a first-time DM. There were four players, including myself, and besides some minor discussion of classes,

we didn't go into detail on what characters were going to play. When one of the other players introduced his character, I realized that we both rolled beefy boys, me, a gentle giant, furbolg, ranger, and him, your classic Goliath barbarian. I decided to lean into it and deliberately introduce my character as being two inches taller than his, and from that moment, the rivalry was sparked between our characters, which we both found very fun. One session, the Goliath attempted to push my character off a pier. I resisted and the DM called for an opposed athletic check.

I rolled a 23 and he rolled a 25. Quite high rolls for our low level characters. Due to our high and close rolls, I was expecting the DM to narrate a drawn out contest of strength, culminating with him slowly getting the upper hand before managing to push me into the water. Instead, the DM narrated my furball getting immediately whomped and handily thrown into the water in truly embarrassing fashion.

When I protested, he pointed out that I lost the role. I decided to not press it further because it was just a role play moment that didn't affect the story, but I'm still bitter about it years later. Did my furg deserve better? For just the Fast and Furious, it doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile, winning is winning, logic apply.

I love your passion for your character. And- You have to let this go. I agreed with you right up until you said it was yours. Yeah, totally. I was like, yeah, you're right, you're right. Oh yeah, you still, you shouldn't be this bad. I don't know how mad they are,

but I don't think it should still affect you. I think it's totally DM's discretion if they want close roles to have a narrative impact, but I also think it's fine to just be like, nah, he wins. He beat ya. I think for the rivalry, it probably would have been good for the DM to have it be like drawn out and everything. But also it's like, you guys are throwing each other

into like off a pier. So I think your DM is just trying to say a funny thing instead of talking about how strong everyone is. Yeah, yeah. Right, cause your DM is balancing a lot, the whole entire story. And you're very focused on this single interaction. Because you have the rival. Which totally makes sense. Presumably an improvised interaction that the DM is kind of like, can we get through this

so that I can get you on the boat to take you so that you answer the call to adventure? Excuse me. I would've only lost my footing. I wouldn't have gotten wet. If you read my 10 page backstory, you'd know I hate being wet. It's bad for my fur, bulk fur. I do think that I probably would have narrated like a closer contest or whatever to kind of like feed the rivalry.

I do think that, but I also think that even if you were going to, you know, talk about like wrestling or fighting or something, it is very much a game of inches. And like your chin being in a slightly different place is the difference between you being embarrassingly knocked out and getting destroyed right away. Even looking at the numbers, it could have been,

you had, it's athletics, you're coming in with 23 athletics, but is the other combatant using their 25 athletics to use your motion and power against you? So. To me, yeah, it's like 25 and 23, that just means it doesn't look pretty. Like you're still losing, but you both look like idiots doing this.

You're just kind of like shuffling your feet. If you're wrestling so hard at the pier, whoever falls off just falls off like a goof. Yeah, like I can see your instinct that like, oh wow, these roles are close. This is a close battle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree that would have been a fun way to narrate it.

If that didn't happen, that's fine. It is fine. It would be cool. I agree with you. I think it would have been better. It feels like Cameron needs some closure. So Murph, would you be willing to narrate a cool back and forth?

A cool back and forth between a buff Goliath and a buff Furbolg. Okay. Great. Oh, that's good. Okay, so you see- And I'll play a sailor watching the whole thing. Ooh, me too. Wow, look at that.

Okay, so you see- Hey guys, look yonder. Look over, starboard. All right, there's a lot of onlookers here. I've never seen so many puffed gums! I've never seen so many puffed gums! Daddy, daddy, look at those two men fighting over there, daddy! There's a bunch of sailors and their children.

Make way for the Queen! The Queen is coming down! I'm the Queen! I've come to witness the fight! Now's our chance! We can finally assassinate her. Oh no. What did he say? I got your number queen. You see two buff guys wrestling in the background. One is two inches taller than the other one.

Oh no, the queen has been pierced. Before, before you fall, you must know I've always loved you. And those inappropriate, I still guard to express it. Is anyone a poison sucker? We need a poison sucker. Daddy, let me do it. I'm a retired poison sucker, but I promised myself I wouldn't go back to the business. Your country needs you.

Suck, suck, suck. Okay, you suck. I take out an heirloom straw. As the poison sucker tries to suck poison from the queen who's just been assassinated in the background of this fight, you see the furbog is momentarily distracted. The furbog otherwise very well might have won, but in this brief moment looks up and sees his queen in danger and sees the brave poison sucker

and thinks, hey, this wrestling, this wrestling on the pier ain't all there is. And in that brief moment, they lose inspiration and the Goliath is able to barely, just barely push the Furbolog over the edge into the water. And as the Furbog splashes, you see water hits the Queen's face and she is revived. Oh, it's a miracle! I feel much better! Did you say you were in love with me? You have to be executed!

No. You're a- you're a- Oh no, she's a bad queen! Okay, I am ready. At thy hand, my lady. You have to be executed. You're a bad queen. Okay. I am ready. At thy hand, my lady. Indeed. The queen executes her would-be

shooter and scene. I don't know if that's the one. The poison sucker takes her heirloom straw out of her mouth and says, it's living. And far away on a sailboat, we see a hooded figure slinking her heirloom straw out of her mouth and says, it's living. And far away on a sailboat, we see a hooded figure slinking below deck. Yeah, I think you have a right to be a little bit of a stinker about,

you know, the close role should have been a closer fight. But I do think when it comes to like joking around stuff and everything, you know, we might have if hard run rolls a 16 on athletics check to like jump onto the back of a wagon, we might have them slip and fall in you know, we might have, if Hard Run rolls a 16 on an athletics check to like jump onto the back of a wagon, we might have him slip and fall in the dirt, even though very well, he might've been able to do that with a 16. It's kind of about context. If you guys were fighting to the death,

and it was like, you lost by two, you fart so hard, you shit yourself and fall off the pier. Like that sucks, that absolutely sucks, but it's, you know, it's the context. You guys were horsing around. This was horseplay. This was horseplay. Horseplay.

Horseplay can be described however you'd like. Yeah. Or carplay. Yeah. Yeah. Beep beep. Horses, horses or cars. Our next case comes from Sparston.

Wait, wait, wait, we gotta punish. What are we doing here? Oh, what are we doing? I thought the punishment was the closure. I hit what we did actually. Closure? It was supposed to be closure, but the way that we inserted so many characters, that was a punishment.

All right, the poison sucker should just blow some poison back into, I guess, the fur ball. Oh my god. Oh, yeah. A little poison bubble. Yeah, we're actually going to show up at your next session and run that entire scene. The fur ball has to touch Emily's cast iron skill.

And it is poison. It is, it has been dusted with poison and it is not properly cleaned. There's a big E in the middle too. Yeah. With old eggs. Our next case comes from Sparster. To the illustrious eminence of the high crit

and the guy who does that thing with a mirror. That's right. Indeed. Yes, I am lowly again. We recently started a new campaign and during the second session, our life cleric proudly announced he was going to heal the party after combat using good berry, which he acquired through a feat.

He explained that due to his disciple of life feature, each berry would heal an additional three hit points. The result is that a good berry, a first level spell, does a flat 40 points of healing. When I said we would need to discuss this, as 40 points of healing from a first level spell is insane, he got defensive. I offered alternatives to make it more balanced,

but he said if it was nerfed at all, he would change characters because he had built his entire character around this one broken interaction. I am so sorry, I'm already so charmed by this. I am like so into someone being like, let me metagame healing. It's so fun. Yeah, it's very rare.

Am I being a no fun DM for not allowing this or is my player being unreasonable? I mean, it's an intense ask. Let's look up the details though. Yeah, so I am looking up Disciple of Life right now and it says, Disciple of Life, starting at first level, your healing spells are more effective. Whenever you use a spell of first level or higher

to restore hit points to a creature, the creature regains additional hit points equal to two plus the spell's level. I actually think- Goodberry doesn't, the spell doesn't actually heal. It creates- It creates berries that heal. So I think the secondhand nature of this

does not make it like a healing spell. You're like eating something. A creature can use its action to eat one berry. Right. If the player didn't have such a bad attitude about this, I would say that you could kind of work with them because M's right. You have to use an action to eat a good berry. the player didn't have such a bad attitude about this, I would say that you could kind of work with them because M's right.

You have to use an action to eat a good berry. So it might be 40 HP in theory, but in combat, you're going to need to take an action just to get four HP. So it actually isn't that, that big a deal. Also the cleric proudly announced he was going to heal the party after combat. So it sounds like they want to do this

outside of combat anyway. I don't know, you could work with them on that, but the fact that they were like, fuck this, I absolutely am not willing to budge on this home brew that I made in my head. If you alter this at all, I'm out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The reaction was wrong,

but I still am tickled by a healing hustle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The reaction was wrong, but I still am tickled by a healing hustle. Yeah. To me, it seems like shouldn't the bonus apply to all the berries cumulatively? So you've got your handful of berries and then one of those berries is just one big super berry that'll give you four HP.

I think if you want it to be nice, you could make it that. But there's nothing, ain't nothing in the rule book that says you have to do that. Yeah, I guess it's true. Yeah. It's okay. So it's literally school transmutation. I'm looking at good berry now. Up to 10 berries appear in your hand and are infused with magic. A creature can use its action to eat one berry. Eating a berry restores one hit point. So yeah, it's not a straight up healing spell. It specifically says when you cast healing spell to restore hit points to a creature, that's not what you're doing.

You're creating berries. So the Disciple of Life does not cover it. It's not even as broken as they think. And you came way- I respect their hustle though. Well, no, I don't respect their hustle. I don't respect their reaction. I don't respect their reaction,

but I respect that they tried. They came way too hot to this negotiation. They showed up and they're like, what's up, fuck you, take it or leave it. I have all the cards. And they could have been like, hey. But a big dog, like a healing person trying to big dog the DM is just so unusual to me

that it's making me laugh. You didn't have to big dog your DM like this. You could have medium dogged him. You could have absolutely medium dogged him. Right, they were down to work with you. They gave you some alts. They were trying to make it balance. They were gonna allow you to think this was broken

and like find a fix for it. I think you could have came in here prepped and you could have been like, check it out. I have this healing thing. I know good berries not technically a healing spell, but I really wanna be able to like min max this. Check it out. You have to use an action to use it.

So it'd have to be out of combat. I think you could have really sold this. Yes, the player. Bad negotiation. Imagine treating any of this like a negotiation. Like if I came to you before the next campaign, I was like, Murph, I have made a broken character. I'm willing to unbreak them a little

and you're willing to meet me halfway. I think that's really the thing that like hangs me up on this is like instantly freaking out and being like, but I built my whole character. Yeah, around good Barry, around downtime about being really good at short rests. You're still using the spell slots. So like, it's not even like that broken.

It's just like, just run it by your Dio. It is a first level spell for 40 hit points, but it also requires 10 actions. Yeah. Yeah. Because like, how fast can you eat 10 grapes? Pretty god damn fast. Pretty fast.

Yeah, I was gonna say. I could eat them so fast. Yeah. But a round of combat is six seconds, so I don't think I could eat like 10 and. That's, yeah. I guess, yeah, they say that like, it takes an action to eat a single good berry.

So like, you can't eat cumulative berries. Yeah. That's what I'm gonna say. You can either like move 30 feet or eat good berry. So like you can't eat cumulative berries. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You can, you can either like move 30 feet or eat a berry. You can either swing a weapon and attack a creature or eat a berry. You can attack a creature three times or eat a berry. Well, that's what I'm saying is like, I think these must be like really gummy berries. Yeah. A level 20 barbarian can only eat a berry.

Yeah. There should be a thing that you can just really scarf them. I'm feeling peckish. Choose the skin off. No, they've got to be the equivalent of like Swedish fish. They're getting stuck to the roof of your mouth. It takes a long time to chew these bad boys. Maybe they're called good berries in kind of like

a cutesy way, but they're actually like apple sized. So you are like chomping down. 10 of them appear in your hand. Can you imagine a hand with 10 apples in it? What's the biggest berry? Cause it's true anytime I see an orange, I'm like, damn, that's a good berry. Cause I think it is.

Strawberries? What the fuck? Strawberries can be pretty big. Biggest berry? It just says blueberry. Oh no, no, no. It's just, there's just an NBC news thing that the first thing that popped up when I looked up biggest berry,

it was just this golf ball size fruit is about 10 times the size of an average blueberry. So it's just a very big blueberry. Cool. You see me that? Yeah, this huge blueberry ruined the algorithm. There is no way for me to get information on huge berries because there was a giant blueberry growing in Australia.

Yes, because the big blueberry lobby is paying for these results. Yeah. They want to be on the top. Big blue is all over this. Okay, but all right, let's say it's the biggest blueberry ever. The watermelon is supposed to be the biggest berry. Whoa.

What? Watermelon's a berry? Watermelons are berries? Says botanically, watermelons are classified as berries. Okay, okay. If you want to make your DM really mad. Known as pepo's, which are a type of berry with a thick grind and fleshy interior.

Foodandwine.com. This is why you listen to Dungeon Core, folks. This is why you're listening. Watermelons can grow to immense sizes with some weighing over 300 pounds. Wow. Okay, take that. Yeah, if you're eating,

it would take me a little bit more than six seconds to eat a 300 pound watermelon. Just imagine biting it, having to eat a whole watermelon to get four hit points back. The druids like you have to eat the rind too. If you built the character like around becoming a watermelon good berry farmer, yeah, I would be into that. That's really cute. Yeah. I want to make good berries, but watermelons are berries and I want my berries to be huge.

Yeah, yeah. You guys think this would be awesome? Hear me out, hear me out. So you're at the county fair. Okay. And you have the biggest watermelon good berry there is. So then goblins come and they kill your family and also take your good berries.

They kill your family? That's the call to adventure. And eat your watermelon? Yeah. Holy shit, that is a call to adventure. And eat your watermelon? Yeah. Holy shit, that is a call to adventure. And now you're like, you know what? I was being selfish. I need to give my good berries to the world now.

And you go on a quest, and you grow the biggest berries around. OK. Who are we punishing here then? We're definitely punishing the player for coming in so hot. Because they could have negotiated the same thing. My suggestion for a punishment is that they have to solo a 300 pound watermelon. Yeah, they have to solo a watermelon in a round.

That's not a punishment, that's awesome. I would love to do that. And this is a watermelon that's really hot. Oh yeah, so Emily cooked it in her cast iron skillet. This is a piping hot watermelon. Honestly, I can't imagine it, because also my cast iron skillet is fucking heavy as hell. It's going to be like a hot pocket when you pop it open.

It's the inside of you. Oh my God, you've got to be careful. You've got to be so careful with this boiled watermelon. A boiled 300 pound watermelon. And it's so overcooked. It gets so soft on the outside. It's like a smoothie in there. And you're on your own, too.

Good luck with that. Good luck. This isn't a team effort. No, that's all you smoothie in there. A hot smoothie. And you're on your own too. Good luck with that. Good luck. This isn't a team effort. No, that's all you. So ordered. Our next case comes from Liger Zero. And they write, to the noble justices Murphy,

Oxford and Tanner and the court jester Phil, I humbly present the case of the regular churchgoer. I played my very first game of D&D in high school. I was invited by a friend. I was excited to play. And when I began, I chose to play a simple fighter. Cut to a few sessions into the campaign and the party was about to set out on a boat

the following day. I decided I would role play going to a local temple to the sea god and leaving an offering and a prayer for safe passage. I asked to roll a religion check and I got a natural 20. Wow. Naturally. Yes. The very next day we were caught in a natural 20. Wow. Naturally.

Yes. The very next day we were caught in a wild storm being attacked by monsters. I asked if my nat 20 had amounted to anything and the DM said, well, you aren't a cleric or a paladin. So not- Oh.

I argued that my character didn't need to be a cleric or a paladin to have a connection with gods and that in fantasy setting, your average person would have a healthy respect for the entire pantheon in a similar way to how Greek gods would have been worshiped. And more than that, I asked why I was asked to roll a religion check if it didn't matter. I, Oh my God.

I understand if the storm is just what the DM had planned for that session, but for it to have zero effect at all seemed a bit much, especially because this ended up getting me tossed overboard and becoming incapacitated for several sessions before dying. What? Yeah! Several sessions of DJing. You were so wronged.

Should the gods only care about clerics or does your average Pius PC deserve a little miracle sometimes? Yeah. Yeah, you were wrong. There's also, yeah, I think a lot of DMs get scared that they have to throw out their whole game plan just because the player did something cool or something.

Again, I wanna go back to don't let your player roll for anything that you don't want to happen. I'm not saying that a nat 20 should mean that like God swoops down and saves you. That doesn't have to happen. But it could have been like, oh, you see that, you know, there is wind going in the other direction. It seems to be like kind of trying to equal out this thing

and magically you guys are all granted with the blessed spell. And it's like, that's it. You give them blessed. You give them advantage on a roll. You say you're incapacitated, but oh, you don't die. Spare the dying was magically cast on you. And you feel that the sea has washed you up on shore mysteriously.

Like you know that- The sea spits you back out. Yeah. It doesn't have to be God comes down and like kicks the storm's ass. No. It doesn't have to be that ridiculous. I will be so freaking disappointed if I were you.

Cause I would love to play someone with a connection to a sea god and you fucking earned it. Yeah. And you could have had this great story of your growing connection to the sea. So many story threads. Yeah, you did it early in the campaign. You could have the storm god be an angry god as well.

You could be like, okay, you gave me this offering and I saved your life, now you owe me a lot more. And then maybe you can, as the DM, be like, you might want to take a level of paladin or cleric because this god seems like they want you as one of their followers now or something like that. Like you could have put some intrigue or something, but to just like hand wave it and be like,

yeah, you went and did this offering and stuff, which is like, it's just a cool idea. And then the rule in that 20, again, you don't have to have it be like this huge major thing, but you cast Spare the Dying, you have a Gust of Wind, maybe you help them at some point, you give them advantage on a roll. Would it kill you to have a Gust of Wind?

A Gust of Wind, come on now, DM. Let a dolphin wink at him. Yeah, one dolphin winks at him as he dies. One dolphin, maybe a pod of dolphins come. Yeah. What's wrong with a pod of dolphins? Maybe they adopt you. Maybe they're not.

Maybe you just swim with the dolphins. Maybe you can breathe water now and you live with the dolphin. Yeah. Maybe you go down, you meet Echo the Dolphin from Sega Genesis. Whoa. And Echo the Dolphin just, is Echo the Dolphin from space

or does Echo the Dolphin just go to space? I think he fights aliens. He fights aliens in space. Yeah. A dolphin fights aliens? It's a strange game. It's a good game. Does he just bonk things with his head?

I think he's mostly bonked. He jumps around. He does flips. He jumps on people, yeah. I'm being totally honest with you. I've never played Echo the Dolphin. I know. I know.

Everybody in the comments, just calm down, OK? Relax. I know we got a lot of Echo the Dolphin heads out there. But you all need to relax, OK? A lot of fellow 38-year-olds out there who played this on the original Sega Genesis in 1992. Please refer to the Google Doc where I list every game I've ever played. I update it frequently.

I send it to all my friends and they say, sounds good. Thank you. We got to punish this DM. They get to smite now. Liger does. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you just get to smite now.

You just get to smite now. A fighter who just gets a couple smites a day. Just get him a couple smites. Yeah, it was such a cool potential moment. What a great storytelling moment. This is the kind of gift you want your players to give you as the DM. Yeah.

They engage in your world. They create their own scene where they're like, I wanna interact with the town that you created and expand on the story. And they give you an amazing plot hook. Like that just elevates your plan to sea battle. They gave you a plot hook, why? Yeah, you gotta plan sea battle.

Why not just do something there? I mean, you had it read up top. Just like blessed is there for a reason. Just blessed, just anything, anything. It could be advantage on something. Maybe we could sentence the DM to have a really unfriendly swimming with the dolphins. Oh, yeah.

Like one of those dolphin encounters, but like bad. Yeah. But with Echo the dolphin who is so strong. And Echo the dolphin hates you. Right, and Echo thinks you're an alien. A pot of dolphins just bullies you. You have to wear a green alien mask and jump in a tank with Echo the dolphin.

And I know what you're thinking, like, no, the dolphin's not gonna beat you up. It's just gonna take your wallet and the keys to your car. No, Echo fucks you up. It's just gonna bonk you. No, Echo fucks you up. Okay. Echo's gonna destroy you.

Right. All right then. You're in here first. Yeah. Hell yeah, so ordered. Awesome. Hey everybody, it's Emily here to talk to you about Squarespace.

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One more time, rocketmoney.com slash papa. That's all folks. Our next case comes from Jack H to the esteemed justices and the steamy bailiff jazz. Jazz! Wow, ooh, he's gaining popularity again. Wow. Uh-oh, we better watch out next election folks. Yeah, geez.

My party was in a campaign and recently dismantled the crime empire of their first boss, a cruel bandit leader named Pernette remember this name for later Several in-game weeks later. They started a new arc centered around a squirrel with a bowtie named Peter nut They immediately became enamored with Peter nut and helped him gain power in the criminal underground They went five sessions with this squirrel without realizing his name was an anagram for Pernette,

a recent villain who secretly had been using the party to regain power through her fancy rodent minion. Mysterious circumstances culminated in a massive hint that they should investigate Peter Nutt's name. They floundered with this and even the note taker said, quote, well, it can't be a re-spelling of Pernette. It turns out that this player had been misspelling her name in the notes, even though it was a pin discord message

with the correct character name and I had miniatures labeled with her name. I spoon fed them the answer, which took all the fun out of the reveal. Was I wrong to use a puzzle that requires the party to know the correct spelling of an NPC? I throw myself to the will of the court. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing

to a certain extent, because it would also be, you could also just trick your players and the squirrel's name could have been hard one. It wouldn't have mattered. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't, you can just have- It would be hard nut actually.

Yeah, it could be hard nut. Yeah. Which is honestly a distractingly disgusting name. Yeah. Yeah. What is hard nut? Wow, that was a hard nut. That was a hard nut.

Hey guys. Hey guys, I'm hard nut. Yeah. That's just how I talk. Sounds like I just had a hard nut. Oh. I can't. I'm talking like, I just had a hard nut. Oh. And I did.

No, but I've never come. I knew that was coming. It's too hard to nut. It's too hard to nut. It's too hard to nut. Let's focus on the case piece. All right, all right. Instead of our spot on,

fictions of hard one. Jake's just mad because we spoiled his Pathfinder character. Yeah. This was his campaign for a game. Yeah. So, yeah, I think that you don't have to spoon feed your players. If you're setting up a character to like betray them. Sure, it would have been cool if they figured it out, but if they don't figure it out, well,

then your bad guy, your bad guy just gets one up on him and then the squirrel just- Right, that just means their bad guy's plan worked. Yeah. The bad guy just stabs him in the back now. Yeah. Be excited, you got the wall. Yeah.

Momp your players, come on now. I think you've been hard on yourself. Yeah. It's not a hard nut to crack. This is not a hard nut. This is not a hard nut. This is not a hard nut. Right, that's an easy nut.

This is an easy nut. I'm telling you it's a hard nut. This is a hard nut to crack. This is not a hard nut. This is not a hard nut. This is not a hard nut. Right, that's an easy nut. This is an easy nut. This is a hard nut. This is a hard nut. It's a soft bean. This is a soft bean. I hate that more. Yeah? I think I hate it more.

Okay. Soft bean sure foot. That's my campaign five character. They're all getting spoiled. I mean, look, I think you gave your players enough clues, especially having it be a pinned Discord message and everything. I also like the spelling wasn't that important.

As soon as I heard Pernette and Peter Nutt, I was like, that's too close. Yeah, I would definitely be like, why am I helping a different criminal overlord after overthrowing this other one? I think I's pretty close. Yeah. I would definitely be like, why am I helping a different criminal overlord after overthrowing this other one? I think I might question it. The only generous read I can provide here is that they all fell in love with Peter Nut.

Oh, certainly. And they just like, they blocked that part of the reveal from their brand. That is exactly what, I mean, that's exactly what this DM trick is. Yeah. It's less about like, oh, we didn't catch the anagram. It's more about like, oh, this cute creature betrayed us.

It's essentially us and Bean Rat. Yeah. Oh my God. Don't get me started. You just have to embrace it. It's fine. It's okay. Your DM hit a bad guy in a cute little squirrel.

Yeah. Should we call in like a celebration squad for this DM for the whomping that they did? Oh, that's cool. Should it be dolphins. Yeah, I was gonna say a celebration pod. Nice. We're gonna flood your room.

Next time you take a bath, a pod of dolphins is gonna come out of the faucet. They're gonna cook you dessert, a super hot 200 pound watermelon. The punishments are becoming the reward. Just saying, do you like berries and then taking out a watermelon? Do you guys want some berries? What, you don't like pie?

It's like pie, okay? It's hot fucking fruit. What the fuck was that? A defensive dolphin show. We're on the DM side here. Yeah. Although I think the DM could be a little bit more excited. Yeah.

You want your players and that's fine. Yeah, it's not really a situation to punish the players because they didn't figure it out. I will say if you do, if you hear your players out loud saying something that's like completely incorrect, like they say, it can't possibly be a re-spelling of it. I would maybe, although I don't know, you don't want to give it away,

but you could be like rolling insight check or you could, you, although I don't know, you don't want to give it away, but you could be like rolling insight check or you could, you know, I don't know, but if you got a pin Discord message, they've got all the stuff in front of them. You bring up a good point Murph though, which is that like the insight check is kind of the cure all for this where it's like, you can kind of like guide them through a Sherlockian review of information where it's all floating around

and you see the letters rearrange. I feel like that's the way to do it, but yeah. No, just take your Whomp. Yeah. A good Whomping to you. So Whomped and our next case comes from David H. David writes, hey weirdos. All right, I like this.

We're all in the fucking mug now. All right, dude. Let's do it. Make me king, make me king. Let's play David. Actually, this is another Heat Metal based case. Whoa. So get ready.

I present the case of Heat Metal versus Sanctuary. During combat, the DM's pyromancer sorcerer cast Heat Metal on my PC's scale mail while I had the Sanctuary spell cast on myself. I ammably assumed that heat metal was a harmful spell that should be deflected by sanctuary and was excited that casting that spell had paid off. But my DM and best friend politely pointed out that because heat metal targets an object not a creature

my armor was the target and thus sanctuary could not deflect the spell. I cordially countered that surely even if heat metal wasn't technically targeting me as a creature, it was cast on my armor and was clearly intended to be harmful which would make sanctuary work. The DM respectfully remained firm stating that because 5e has such a clear distinction between objects and creatures, we had to go pure rules as written and treat the object, my armor, as the target of heat metal and myself, a creature, as the target of sanctuary.

Huh? I don't love it. Since sanctuary protects creatures and not objects, its protection did nothing against heat metal. I goodheartedly groused, what the hell, man? Shouldn't we be considering the intent of these spells instead of clinging to language that leads to pretty weird outcomes?

What say you justices should sanctuary take precedence in this situation as heat metal is clearly intended to be a harmful spell? Or should heat metal take precedence as it targets armor? Not a creature. Let's read sanctuary. You ward a creature within range against attack until the spell ends. Any creature who. You ward a creature within range against attack until the spell ends.

Any creature who targets the warded creature with an attack or a harmful spell must first make a wisdom saving throw. If failed, save the creature must choose a new target or lose the attack or spell. The spell doesn't protect the warded creature from area of effects such as explosion of a fireball. That's interesting.

I do think that that language of this spell doesn't protect the warded creature from area effects such as the explosion of a fireball. That's interesting. I do think that that language of this spell doesn't protect the warded creature from area effects, such as the explosion of a fireball. It does imply in that, that the point of this is not to make it like a globe of invulnerability, obviously. But I kind of think heat metal though, like they are targeting that person.

They aren't actually trying to hurt the armor. They're heating up the armor to hurt the person. You could almost say that heat metal is like a clever way around sanctuary. Yeah. I could imagine the case being written the other way too. To me, this does feel like two kind of wizards playing mental chess.

Yeah. Which is like, ah ha, I've got sanctuary. It's like, ah, but you see sanctuary only affects the person and I shall affect the object. It's too hairy. Just do, if you still want to attack the person with just do an area of effect. Yeah, but I guess that's what I think about it. That's what I like about it is that like magic and magic systems are derived from language and the inherent differences in idiosyncrasies of language.

And like this seems like it's exploiting a loophole there in a way that like a trained wizard would. So I think that I know I'm getting I'm getting into the weeds as well. I'm getting into a hairy definition, but I kind of like how much of it is based on like semantics. I think that that is kind of like by definition, like what D&D wants you to do is like get in the weeds sometimes about that stuff. I guess when I think about someone getting into the weeds of semantics

and D&D, I think of the worst people. Yeah, it is. It does open a little bit of a Pandora's box of then you're like, okay, so you're targeting these clothes and stuff. Does that mean we need to like account for everything we're carrying at all times? So it does open up some like hairiness in the future, but I will say the language of heat metal,

unlike other things where it's like, when you attack, you don't like when you attack and everything, the idea is that your role decides how critical of a hit it was. So you don't say like, I'm gonna attack this person's leg. That's not how the game works. But when it comes to heat metal, heat metal is very specific. It says choose a manufactured metal object

such as a metal weapon or a suit of heavy armor or medium metal armor that you can see within range. You cause the object to glow red hot. Any creature in physical contact with the object takes 2d8 fire damage when you cast the spell. So it is kind of, I think it has the same logic as area of effect, even though it is not an area of effect spell.

I see, yeah, now that we've heard heat metal, it feels a little better. I see what you're saying, Em, because I do, it does worry me for a second because it's like, are we then gonna be like, I'm Misty Step and I'm naked every time I show up somewhere else. I can only target a person, I don't target.

Spells only affect your skin, not your clothes. I think you can assume that when you are targeting, you know, like somebody's armor or something, you're usually just targeting the person and how high the role is will determine where you hit them. If you hit them in the head or the heart or something like that. But when it comes to specificity,

the more specific answer generally overrules the more vague one. Also the language of heat metal does make it feel like it isn't targeting a single person. It's targeting whoever touches the object and which makes it feel more area of effect. So. Right, it's whoever is holding this thing

or who comes into contact. You could read it kind of however you wanted if the beginning of the sanctuary description was all that there was where it's like, you ward a creature against harmful spells, they can't be targeted with spells. Then you're like, okay, does that mean any kind of AOE or anything?

And then it's clarified at the end, it says this doesn't protect warded creatures from area effects. And even though the heat metal is not technically like, wouldn't be considered an area of effect spell, it is kind of in role play the same thing. It's you're near an object. So I do think-

From, yeah, from the wording of heat metal, I think it does track that it would actually still affect a sanctuary person. Yeah. Do you guys want to hear how they solved it? Yeah. Okay. Who comes into PS. PS, we settled it? Yeah. Okay. Who comes in a PS.

PS, we settled it with a roll. Odds, heat metal worked, evens, sanctuary. My DM rolled a 15 in front of the table and my low level cleric took 11 fire damage in the first round contributing to that character's later death. Oh. Parentheses, I was later resurrected with a magic acorn

I'd gotten from a friendly tree spirit, which I guess was my DM's plan all along. And this is just one of many fun, amicably settled debates we've had at the table. I don't know, man, it seems sus. I think it could have been a contested Arcana check or something. Ooh, that's fun.

That would have been cool. That would have been like Caldwell's wizard v wizard. Yeah, contested spell attacks. Yeah, to almost ask you're casting the spell, be putting the actual person from your mind and focusing so much on the armor. It is a good way to handle because I think this actually is pretty buttoned up.

I do think it is. Heat metal would work on Sanctuary, I would say that. But if you're doing a quick read on the situation and it is openness interpretation to some extent, I do think leaving it down to a roll is cool. Yeah, it's more satisfying at the table. It's just more fun for everyone. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, you'd never wanna be the DM that just like hand waves and it's just like, everybody shut up. It's way more fun like what Murph just said about like making it an arcana check because the magics are kind of clashing and overlapping then being like, well, actually the words are on my side. Yeah. So shut up.

I just really like when we get a case where everybody's still friends at the end. Yeah. Well, they won't be after this. Yeah. All right. Wow. Wait, so are we sentencing anymore?

So we have to sentence the player. The player. I'm sorry. Sentence the submit? So we have to sentence the player. The player. I'm sorry. We have to sentence the submitter. I totally understand why it didn't feel good. Yeah, I think this is pretty nebulous, but I do think that going by it, I don't think it's ridiculous at your DMR.

Maybe just get a tattoo of the heat metal spell. Yeah. Yeah, just get the branded. So you can just, anytime you need to remember. Yeah. That the wording get that. Oh, interesting. You can just like anytime you need to remember. Yeah. Yeah. Well that the wording actually does lend itself to area. Right. A spell card tattoo on your bicep is kind of bad. Yeah. Copy and paste the spell card tattoo. I think what you're really going to want to do is Emily has a cast iron pan that has it all written out and you're going to like stick your hand on the cast iron pan. Yeah. all branded. Oh, cause then it'll be on your palm

and you can always just like whenever you forget. How does heat metal work? Look at it. I can't really read this. It does target an item that you're wearing. And it's backwards on my skin. Yeah. So some options.

So ordered. Okay, so with that, why don't we move into kind of like a half court, half church hybrid? Because this next case has elements of the normal. Let's make it the temple of the sea god. Oh, okay. That's fun. Yeah.

Well, then it would be ultimately meaningless. Oh my gosh, the salt in our hair. Wow. Beachside service? It doesn't help you at all. The waves come down and destroy you for no reason. Your character dies three sessions later. You get punched by a dolphin. How?

Mike C. writes, may it please the honorable justices and the beautiful baby boy, Bailiff Jake. Wow, everyone's like a memo. Jake's just a baby. Everyone has to ease up on him. Come on now, he's a baby. I'm just a kid. He's just a baby.

He's not old enough to rule yet. Yeah. Just what his character would do. He's just a baby. He's not old enough to rule yet. Yeah. Just what his character would do. He's just a baby tyrant. Yeah. That's how a baby would rule. This is just, yeah. Your baby voice is exactly the same as-

Mavid? Yes, exactly the same as Mavid. What are you talking about? Mavid was a baby. I present the case of the attempted pulled punch. Near the end of a one-shot, I was DMing for a group of friends. The party was fighting my BBEG,

a mind-controlled adult red dragon. Near the end of a very long fight, the dragon used their breath weapon and all the players passed their dexterity saving throws except for one, my friend who was a brand new player. I knew she was low on health and I didn't want to kill her in her first adventure. So after I rolled the damage,

I lied and said the damage was much lower than I actually rolled. She was thrilled that she was going to survive the encounter. Oh, that's the church confession part. Okay. The court part. Unfortunately, one of the other players

could apparently see around my DM. Why? No, no peeking. No. No. That I was pulling my punch and lying about the damage. Oh my God. This sucked the energy out of the table

and eventually led to the player taking the full damage and dying in her first adventure. You happy? The other player stood firm that I should be fair about dice rolls and not play favorites or else what's the point of the game? Fair justices. Was it unfair to the other players for me to lie about a damage roll

or was I right to try and get that player through her first encounter? The transgression here was the peak because once they see that you lied, it is true. It erodes the trust between DM and player, but they should have never peeked to begin with. Yeah, they should have never peeked to begin with. The player does have a point because it is true that there is kind of no point to the dice rolls

if there is no chance. If there's a chance that you're lying. If you're always going to win, if nothing's ever going to actually kill your character, it does completely take away the stakes. Yeah. But at the same time, it's like this is their first time playing. It's the sort of thing where, like, you know, the first time you go somewhere, sometimes you get like a free yogurt.

You know, free ice cream cone. The fact that it's the first. It's a one shot. Yeah, it's a one shot. It was one time. Yeah. Going to win the battle anyway. I think it wouldn't have been that big a deal as long as that,

as long as the smoke and mirrors are still up, because the DM, that needs to be a secret they take to their grave then, that they saved that player, because otherwise it does undermine the future. The fact that the player sitting next to them was a freaking tattletale. I know! He leaned over and looked.

Table tattletale. Fucks up everything, fucks up the smoke and mirrors, fucks up everyone's time, fucks up the new player who now dies and now is upset that they died. Yeah. Oh man. I can't believe this person, Hey guys, check it out. The smoke and mirrors is just smoke and mirrors.

We know, we know. The whole time we know. It's moments like these that that's what the screen, I mean, maybe not all that it's for, but it's one of the things that the screen is for. You're entitled to your privacy to make these calls as the DM, the person that's done all of the prep,

as the person who's maybe invited this player to the table to be like, I don't want to kill them, and that's my call. It's also way different. That's not a one shot. Why are you peeking during a one shot? It's all made up, come on. Bro, why are you peeking during a,

I could maybe during a campaign. But don't peek during a one shot. If I made up, come on. Bro, if I was playing, I could maybe during a campaign, but don't be turned on. Ultimately, like ultimately we have to kind of go with the dice rolls and everything because we want there to be stakes and we want for, you know, the dice to tell their story and kind of random things to happen to keep it interesting for us. But if I was playing for like, you know, I don't know. If I was DMing for somebody for the first time

or something and I was like, uh-oh this green dragon murders your absolutely new character. I don't know, I might lower a DC to make it a little bit easier for them. Introduce them to the game better. Yeah, you can also, you know, I don't know. In this case, when something like that happens,

there are ways to get around a like uncinematic death. You know, like if it is a new player and you want that gambling excitement, you can be like, okay, this is enough damage. This would normally kill you, but I'm gonna tell you guys what I'm gonna allow. I'm gonna allow for, if anyone wants to make like an athletics check to try to shield them

and take some damage. You know, like you can just be open with the table. Yeah, it's an opportunity to show how collaborative the game can be. Yeah, and then if you lose, then suddenly it still becomes this epic moment where the character dies, but they die in this very cinematic way. And then you don't have to worry about

whether or not you fudge the roles because it just feels like a cool moment. So I would do something like that in the future, but nobody looked behind the screen. It's just such a, it's just so fucking, it's just so bad. It's just bad vibes. Especially the one shot.

Peeking and tattling. Peeking and tattling? To do both? To do both. To do both in one go. We've had cases of like people like will accidentally peek like somebody screenshares on a Discord chat or something like that.

And then they see that they're the real amount of HP is not what they're actually playing with. And so you say to the person like, hey, I'd like there to actually be stakes. That's fine. But when you're intentionally just like looking over and then going like, he's lying. He's lying. He's lying.

You should be dead. You should be dead. This is how D&D works. I'm always like this. Yeah. I'm so glad I got invited to this one shot. Nobody invites me to stuff. I don't know why.

Maybe the other solution here is that they do just need like a bigger screen so they can just keep an honest man honest. You need a DM dome. It's gotta be tinted. You need an electric fence. Electric fence, yeah. Electric fence isn't bad.

Yeah. Or even a mirror, right? So anytime someone goes to peak, they just see themself and have to ask themselves why am I doing this? That's really good. Look at your own dead eyes. Look at your dead eyes as you go to look to see how much the red dragon.

The mirror DM screen of shame. Yeah. I've got no notes back here. Just a mirror facing the other way. Yeah. I hear it just a mirror facing the other way. That's awesome. Yeah, well, I would say my DM advice is don't play with that person again. And my Dice of Christ advice is you're forgiven. Because it's definitely, I mean, new player,

like Caldwell said, you get it for yogurt. You get it for yogurt. I feel like for a one shot with a new player, you gotta be able to say, all right, chill. Yeah, cause I've like, I've introduced like M's family to it and stuff. And honestly, it's been so long since we've played. I don't remember anything,

but I don't think I would be like, it's like M's mom. You actually, sorry, you're a cleric. You should have been, you should have been, you should have been healing. You actually, this green dragon takes you out. You brutally killed her character. Oh, wow. And then had the bad guys go after her character's family. Well, yeah.

Well, she didn't min-max her character enough. Said, Joanne, I don't think you're cut out for this. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Dropped her character in it. Threw a bunch of D4s at her, barrel rolled out the window. And I haven't been back since. That was 10 years ago.

All right, everybody, let's go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. We'll be doing more bonus cases over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpot. That's N-E-D-D-P-O-D, don't sing yet. We are not. Don't do it. We are not.

Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? I said weed. Dude, that's awesome. Yeah, dude. Let's plug weed. Oh, dude. We're gonna plug weed. Too strong now.

It's too strong now. I can't really smoke anymore. You gotta buy the tiny little mints. Yeah. Sorry, everybody. You can follow us on social media that we're very, very gonna use at chmercme at Caldys Caldwell.

Adding extra demo lane at JerkworsesJake. And you can tweet about the show using hashtag NADPOD. That's N-E-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. Dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon, dungeon Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Dun-jin Oh boy, it is the end of our show, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders. Here they all are, standing before me, gleaming in the starlight. And their names are as follows.

Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Hugh C. Later McSkater. Matt M. Cutter W. Jeff C. Daniel G. Danielle, Matt M. Cutter W. Jeff C.

Daniel G. Danielle, the dastardly dame Beard Man Dan Danny P. Carpe Liam Bryant, the very worst DM Victor T. aka Balnor's boy Hoyt's friend Justin I. Danny shares a birthday with goofy Danster. Ho ho! TJM. Trelai the Cray.

Disillaneous. Christopher B. Damiel R. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobold. Targot. Stevie Wags. Hellish Rebukeur.

PhD. Princess Yar. Jory S. Jack L. Nicholas C. star of Everythin' and the Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid.

The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. The Little Mermaid. Hewags, Hellish Rebuke-er PHD, Princess Yar, Jory S, Jack L, Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohemia, now starring in the Iron Deep production of A Squire Never Tires, Samuel B, Mike H, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, Knee Badger, Panama James, Heradrian, Carboro Chapel Hill FPV, Rickstanyl the White, Deanna De Los Lopez, Cici Lulu, Hercules Parol, the Rabbit Folk Detective, Timmy R, Rayco, Calder Comes Cold. Shout out to the cold come. Come Panions. Frosty Facial. Taylor B. The vengeful one-winged angel. Cass.

Skateboard Cass. Steven Speeds Into Seasons of Sneezin' C. Mike K. Lady Taco and Team in Credulity Nick W. William W. Big Bad Beardo the Mad Eric McD Ananarama Percival Fredrikstein von Musel Klasowski de Rolo III J. Dragonborn Guardian of the Vibe Honoring the Cock Persnickety Snitch, The Sandrayan, Bin A, Dave H, Christian S, showing that sweet blue hole!

Haha! Dustin S, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Book Vars Assistant Izzy F, DPC is awesome! Hashtag honor the cock! We always will. Shone, the shade tree mechanic of Zell-Boldar. Summer Rose, AKA Grand Tare.

Kat C. Misa of House Inzunza. Ariel, the occasional mermaid. Selena N, AKA Valaizeraptor. B, Perky, always, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serve 16, Annie the Feywild Therapist, Skillful Ferret, insert fan art request here, ooh I would love to see a recreation of the poison sucker scene from this episode if possible. Connor S, Zalil, WheatGoku69, AKA Gunk at 16, experimenting with drugs. Bioquart7.

Amber Dextrous. Sullivan H. Drub Hop Dropper. Jack H. King of them all people under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket style tournament. Lindsey W. Vailin. his way through a bracket style tournament. Lindsey W. Valen.

Paj, a dumb bunny bard. Carlin C. Emily S. Noah the Bullywug Boy, hashtag allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll hang out with his pet badger, Stripey. Daddy master dandy. Hawn. Eric B. Marcos. Learns the balance druid. Frida M. Tracy P.

The Crick Elf Librarian. Maggie S. See you in Chicago. Saw you in Chicago. Thanks for coming. Holly the green laughing hyena. Finally caught up to Duck Team. Thanks Holly.

Akash T. Dufinius. Aaron B. Russell H, a monk named Dil Goh Yes, the whole thing. Yes, every time. Cody C, Keychains, Pentium 2, Processor. One day I will upgrade to Pentium 3. Lorelai the Succubus and Kyra her busty queen. Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and yonkle, Andrew and Sid. John Adams, the write-in candidate for 2024. Meg, the mail carrier manager of Bohemia.

James F. Austin S. Wayfarer. Now has to do something with these trolls. To get rid of them, turn to page 42. To keep them, turn to page 69! them turn to page 42. To keep them turn to page 69! Shane C. Barpo Goodbarrel, Bard-Barian. Welshlander. Garrett G.

AKA One Big Curd. Mr. D. Havy, the Half-Orc. Renee, the Monster Captain. Box Clifton. Olivia, the Enchanting Bard. And Jared, the Soap Opera Cleric who are playing Stick It to the Man down with the Monarchy.

Winterslade. Fico. Garrett the Artificer. Anthony the Rattest of Dudes. Josh H. Caleb L. The Fairies say Om Nom Nom Nom Nom. Honor the cock. Cantrip Dumbledore the Bear Onie wearing barbarian Lexi H MJ the BFG Nadrog the pass a fist barbarian

Geno T mama B Derek D Tristan the talentless hunk Leon K legendary hero of Bohemia from a future campaign. Shenanigans O'Connor! Mios the Great! Joshua S! Alexander! Linz W!

Angel of Pamela the forever vindicated! Emma S! Red, the reforged or forged! Pavu Eskenor! The Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile and a smite. Am I right, folks? Paladins. Brothers, rejoice!

The cask! It's full of pre-cog milk! Ha ha! A cat napping in a sunbeam, listening to a podcast. CJ Hampton. Shell B, Kenna's second favorite sprite girl. Excited to see the dream team in NYC while dressing up like Sophia Lee.

Ooh, sounds fun. I wonder if Merv and Emily can get me tickets. They keep not responding to my texts. Jackson R, Worchester the eldritch demon who ate Snailus. Blake H, searching for a sweet blue hole with his bestie big Bev. Me, my Skade's.

Oh, it's V. Tommy W. Haley the Human. Megan N. Oaklington. Balnor's best friend, Steve. Stephanie of House Inzunza. Benjamin A.

Sacrificial otaku, pen name for Callie's cousin, who discovered anime and is trying to spread the word all over Bohemia. Mikkel A. Josh Hole. Otaku, pen name for Callie's cousin, who discovered anime and is trying to spread the word all over Bohemia, Mikkel A, Josh Hole, Throkey, the two crew blew through, Alicia, Lulubug, Hoze, Maple, the shy bookworm, Seth E., Billy Batson, Tory, the bisexual drag goose, Hero of the Hibiscus, Maestro of mouse Melons, and the prolific producer of perfectly picant pepper. Yum. Michael L.S. II, Jacob the Purveyor of Shenanigans, Nova underscore cry! Parcel, Dax Riddlewell, Hannah A, Bastion Fiddlyf foop. A. Stregs, High Lord of Critsburg.

Joshua F. Darius D. Troy's mom who has never played D&D. You should give it a try sometime Troy's mom. It's very fun. Then Diagram. Nurse Betty 141. GKC, Arch Sewer Mage and Master of Arcane Chores

Cadmilius, The Consumed Hossinator, Bard of Holding Clinton P Cam the Frogman, Swag's dry cousin from Gladeholm We gotta get you in a hot tub Cam Dean Jake, Bohemia's number one D.I.T. Tuesday Cross, the Choose Your Own own adventure writer, not the porn star.

Adam H. who was just eaten by the giant worm, unfortunate, F in the chat for you Adam. Devon G. and Andrea M. Whew, that is all of our elders. Thank you so so much for your generosity and support. We thank you this day and we bless your names. If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash an ad pod. That's gonna be it for us today.

Thanks again for listening and we'll see you next week. Bye bye. That was a hate gum podcast.