Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Squishy Bears, Fishy Crits, and Uncommon Common

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, along with Bailiff Jake, as they pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We are your Supreme Crit Justices, Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and of course, the lowly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lowly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, bailey, lolly, bailey. Jake Hurwitz. Try not be in the backup singers for you, Murph, there. I was doing a little shimmy just for everyone in home. And the lowly, lowly, lowly justice called old Tanner. I thought so. I'm only low because I'm shimmying so much. Appreciate it.

Take it away, Jake. Knock it off. Hear ye, hear ye. Crit is now in session. The Honorable Supreme Crit justices, Axford, Murphy, and Tanner are presiding. And our first case comes from Bwian. Bwian? Bwian.

Bwian. Hello. A warm Hogliday greeting to the three wise justices and a quick pat on the shoulder to the bailiff swaddled in the major. That actually really is pretty interesting. Jake gets to be Christ. Jake, do you think? Shit. Do you think you might be?

Is it possible that I'm the Messiah? Is it possible? Have we considered this? Who says no to Jake's this? Wait a second. Christ had a humble beginning and we're talking to a lowly baby. Whoa. Wow.

It lines up. Interested. It lines up. Is a carpenter? Hmm. Yeah. And my mom has to be a virgin because I can't imagine she'd fuck my dad. It's all checking out.

It all completely checks. So boxes are ticked. Okay, Boyan writes, I present to you the case of the fragile, fluffy friend. I'm a new DM, and my party recently won a series of neat trinkets from a fairground. One of these is an awakened teddy bear who now sees the party as his, adopted daddies and follows them everywhere. They love this little guy, even helping him with a baking contest and dubbing themselves the poo crew.

As long as he's not boomer poo, we're good. It's the most invested I've ever seen my party on NPC. Wow. Oh my God. I hope you're just like, so I decided to kill him. The unfortunate thing is he has one HP and three AC and is one tumble from his demise. My party will not stop trying to come up with ways to protect their new friend, including asking if our artifice or can build him a small tank

so we can have some protection while they adventure. He can. He can. Yeah. I have denied most of the outlandish requests. My question to you is how far should I be willing to go to allow this walking bundle of fluff to become a hardened adventurer? Or is there a friend simply a story vessel to create a batty my party will go to extreme lengths to reach

in order to avenge their little broken bear? I eagerly await your decision. I think this freaking bear was never normal to begin with. He's awakened. Okay. There's a whole story there. Who awakened him? I also, why?

Why do you want to kill this bear so bad? I don't think, I think that they don't want to kill the bear. Right. But they're not sure. But they're not sure. They're tempted to use the bear to leverage some stakes against a big bad. I think they're reluctant to buff the bear because they're like, why would a teddy bear become a hardened batty? And I'm saying that they can.

Well, I think because. I mean, so it seems like this is the most they've ever been invested. So the DM is trying to use the bear to keep the plot moving forward. And if that means they need to kidnap this bear at some point so that they actually go onto the next mission, then so be it, I suppose. I think kidnap is one thing because then they could get their bear back. Right. If it seems weird to really insist on being like the bear needs to be in battle or will die,

because it doesn't sound like the players are like, the bear is giving help. action during fights and somehow they're trying to say that it's going to live through all of this. It sounds like they just like their bear. Yeah. And the DM's just like, well, I have to kill everything, right? I think that, but they said they are, the DM specifically did not say, oh, I want to kill the bear. The DM specifically said they're like one tumble away from dying. Right.

So then just don't have them. Like, I didn't shoot Paw Paw with a gun during like any of the fights. It's like, just like, just don't fucking kill them. It's not. Yeah, you don't often roll to see if you trip. Yeah, just, you know, I, if. Somebody had like a necklace that was glass. I wouldn't every five seconds be like,

oh, did you roll your ankle? You might have dropped your necklace. I cast Shield of Faith on Pop-Pah because I know that he's going to be targeted this time. Yeah. I think I'm also hearing what you're saying, which is like USADM are maybe like, how much do I let them buff this bear?

Is it silly? And like if they buff this bear, does it become like a genuine adventure? Me personally, let them buff the bear. Let it become a genuine adventure. It also has like a mysterious. little back story, I think that they could really, really enjoy that. And I also think that the artifice are making a little mech suit. I mean, if your players are like investing time

into keeping this bear safe, then I say roll with it. Give poo a honey-powered meck suit. Yeah. I guess, yeah, the flavor of like a tank I could see being against, but it's like alchemists can build like a monkely and stuff. So why couldn't they build like a little armor thing? You seem really intent on killing this bear. It is true. Yeah. I don't know that they want kill it. I think that they're like, how can I, how can a world exist where an innocent thing doesn't trip and die instantly? You're just like, just, you're the narrator.

Just have it not happen. I don't. Yeah. I think you could treat it like Navi from operative time or something like that where it's just kind of like your like guide that's there and like maybe it can like hug you and give you inspiration, but it's like not in any danger. Again, I throw this all out the window. I throw this all out the window if they're having the bear, give them potions.

If they're having the bear run around, help them during combat. But if they're just like, I like talking to this bear, I would like it around. I think you can just not kill the bear. I also think that it sounds like they're not only invested in sort of protecting the bear, which it has been like very galvanizing for them, but it sounds like they're also invested in perhaps the bear's growth. Yeah, which is why you could use it as a lever, I think. You don't have to kill the bear.

I think having the big bad target the bear in some way is interesting to use that as like a narrative device. Right. But I think you can't. target the bear until you allow them to buff it up a little bit. Yes, I agree. I agree with that. It feels like this DM is like on the fence between like, I either have to like kill this bear or buffing.

I think there's a middle ground. Right. Yeah. I think there's a middle ground here. Maybe you have like a poignant scene where the bear is like, I'm tired of being a stuffed ball of fluff. I want to go to war. Give me a gun.

Oh, that could be really fun. Give poo a gun. I think that's maybe exactly what they don't want to do. Okay. Yeah. It's just offering an option. I think that's what I would want to do, so I do relate to that. If you really are feeling like you got to go after this bear, I would say kidnapping it does seem like a good story beat and that the characters would care.

If you're just like roll for a.O.E damage of some random terrain effect and kill the bear, I think that is the end of your campaign. I think you will kill your campaign with this bear. Yeah. If your concern is like, this bear is just. going to be like collateral damage i think you can control the you can control that you might sure make the rules you could just make sure that doesn't happen might i make two more suggestions one i don't think you should kidnap the bear until you make a couple concessions to let them protect the bear because that might feel unfair if they're trying to protect the bear and then you scoop the bear and then

the second is i feel like you could always tell them if you tuck the bear into your armor like they'll be out of the way of like a oh it's cute yeah yeah right you can take bear death off of the table and allow them to ingratiate like the bear into the party and then have the bear get swept up in the big story a teddy bear if it were a person would be so easy to protect you would just be like cool you're just the squishiest little guy you just go behind the breastplate it's like you literally need to pave the person in in order to hurt this bear yeah yeah so so like maybe that will be enough to just be like just tuck them in and then we don't have to talk about them During battle.

Also, teddy bears when they get beat up are still cute when they, like, lose stuffing or their eye falls off and patch them up after battle. You got to patch them up corduroy style. Yeah, you could also have it that he turns to, that like he needs to be patched up or something after he dies because he turns into fluff and you have to go get new stuff. He's a teddy bear. He's literally magic. Like, you can just bring him back.

You don't have to. You don't got to get this bear. But if he trips, he'll die. Unfortunately. Also, like, yeah, it is a really good point. It also wouldn't take, I know we're not taking like real life into it or whatever, but there is a certain extent of like, well, it's a teddy bear. It can't be strong, right?

But it's like if you drop a teddy bear on the ground, it's not like it's going to shred apart instantly on impact. Honestly, I'm more breakable than the teddy bear. Yeah. It should have resistance. Resistance and damage. I kind of, I mean, it's also like if you think about it less as like an MPC and more as a magic item.

Yeah, yeah. And like it's HP and AC almost become like in the context of a magic item almost like in the context of you need to replenish it. Yeah. Oh, maybe it's like you have to spend eight hours snuggling at a night and then you can get like a plus one or something. Yeah. And someone needs to learn how to sew.

Yeah. Would you be really cool in real life. That's the alchemist. That's mending or the artificer. Yeah. Yeah. I think with like paw paw, we always just kind of admitted that he had plot armor. Yeah.

He'll get knocked out and then he'll just be there knocked out. Yeah. And that would only come into play if you guys were using him and he was going around giving motions and stuff. But otherwise I wouldn't sit there and just be like, where's Papa in your bib, Moonshine? Power word kill. Like even though we knew he had plot armor too, it still didn't like when anybody hit him, we were still super upset. I know. If anything, it was because he was like the most like innocent and true.

I mean, he wasn't innocent. He was very naughty. But like he was the best of us. He was the best of us. So whenever he, whenever he, whenever he was. He got hurt. It, like, it hurt no matter what. Yeah.

That was how Murph signal that we needed to stop fucking around. Yeah. Glad. Glad kicked Pop-on to just be like, hey, everyone, stop making jokes. And this is the opportunity you have with armored poo. All right. We're on the same page here that's kind of like find ways to help your players facilitate this bear relationship. I think I'm a little bit on your player side, so I might vote against you because it sounds

like they are beginning conversations. about being like, hey, we're really invested in this character and we want to do stuff with this character. And you've been saying no so far. And I personally think giving him a little giving him a little artificer something or other, I feel like there's a middle ground that you could have met that you both would have been happy. Like teddy bears have literally been brought to war before. 100%. Like teddy bears are at war right now. And they survive. Oh yeah. They like tie them to the nose of the planes and stuff. Well, those guys, yeah, those bears are faring too well. They'll Stick them on the top of like a, you know, like an 18 wheeler as well, you know.

Sure. Really? They're hearty those things. Yeah, they're hardy. They can last. And they can be patched up. I just feel like you really want to kill this bear. And I need to defend the players.

I think they really want this bear here. There's nothing in, again, if they were saying like, oh, he's giving me a help action, he's running out and he's going to try to tank or he's going to attack someone. I get it. Tread the bear. But for now, it just sounds like they want a little friend that they can talk to and you're like, how do I

How do I stop my players from having fun? A teddy bear going through a paper shredder as it like begs for its way. Oh my God. Yeah. Why do you want a Toy Story 3

this teddy bear so bad? You want a shoe from Roger Rabbit. You want to throw the shoe in the acid. So is this the punishment? We like slap the DM on the wrist and say, stop it, stop it. Just don't just kidnap the

bear at most. I feel like the punishment is to just, I mean, this is very practical, but the punishment is just to go back to the table and be like, okay, let's come to a common ground about, like, what we both feel excited about with the artificer giving him a little protection. I think you have to watch the shoe of that of acid scene from who friend Roger Rabbit over and over again for 48 hours and keep pointing at it and saying, this is me. This is the kind of stuff. Can they sleep?

Can they sleep? Can they sleep in that feeding? No, because they love it. No, they have to be able to sleep. What if the big bad is the one that lost the teddy bear? Oh, it's their teddy bear? The big bad is like so torn up about it. They're like, you abandoned me.

You abandoned me. I am a level 20 wizard named Christopher Rabinius. How dare you? That's why I just keep thinking like, oh, this is like, the fact that it's awakened, there's a whole freaking story. Yeah. This bear is rich with backstory. Yeah.

You got it at a carnival? Yeah, you have to lean into the bear. Yeah. Give your players a tank. Yeah. All of the item drops go to the bear. Yeah. So ordered.

The bear now has the tough meat and has 200. If they end up going too far with it, you could just get to a place where you, where all of the loot they find going forward is bear specific. Oh, they earth the bear? Yeah. And it's like, you find a plus two sword. that can only be wielded by a teddy bear. All right, so ordered. Okay, so ordered.

Pontus Nass writes, Dear Justice's and despicable bailiff, I am a forever DM who is currently running a Mork-Borg campaign for my players. In case you're unfamiliar, it is very dark and edgy. They were up against a group of undead with various weapons and everyone was pretty beat up. One of my players got hit.

I rolled the D4 for damage and rolled a four. I announced it, asked, what's your HP? And they said, dejectedly, that they were at four. When you hit zero in morgue, you roll a D4 to see what happens to you. So they did. They rolled a four, which meant instant death. Your board got morked? While the players started to grieve, I suddenly realized I had rolled the wrong damage.

The undead who hit them was unarmed, and thus would only deal two damage. Oh. I excitedly told the players this, and instead of celebrating, they thought I was lying to save the character. We rolled back the dead save and all is well, but I can tell that the player still thinks I took pity on them when I simply corrected a mistake. Should I have let them die? Oh my God. In that moment, could you not have just been like, here, here's the stat sheet? It's a very small book. I have a copy of it. What is, what is Morp? It's like a little dark soulsy kind of like single book RPG. It's very fun. You kind of like roll a bunch of random tables to

make a character and there's like a couple of maps in there. It's like a ruin. Kingdom style thing. It's just your standard ruined kingdom. Haunted halls with ancient kings. You know how it is. Classic morgue boring. Okay. Then, I mean, isn't this easily solved by saying, look at this guy's stat sheet? Yeah. I think so. Yeah.

It's tough. What do you think, Murph? You know, I think... Because we only ever suspected you of lying to hurt us more. Well, if there's a bunch of undeads, you might just be like, well, you're just showing us a random stat sheet. Like, how do they know which one it was? Oh, because I guess you said that it was unarmed and some of them

are arms. Yeah, it's like a bunch of undead with different levels of arms. And you know you're so fucked too because you, if you take it back at that once you said it, it's out there. It's tough because like, and now you can't waffle and be like, all right, fine, you are dead. Then it seems like you actually. Yeah.

Which is, it's a weird thing to razz your DM about. Be like, oh, you just care about your players. You want us to fulfill the narrative. Yeah, I know, I know. Could you maybe have that? You just don't want me to be killed by a zombie in one hit. I think right now I'm fixing. not on whether you're right or wrong,

but in that moment how you salvage that, I think that maybe the way you do it, if you saw the question in their eye, you could be like, or we could just roll and see, was the skeleton armed or unarmed? Oh, okay. Maybe that's how you salvage it.

But you would have to be so smart to read the room and be like, this is why there's weirdness. You flip the morpourg board book. I'm of two minds on this, because on the one hand, I think I would have done exactly what you did because if it was a mistake on my end

and it ended up killing a player I would kind of be like timeout that actually didn't happen. Yeah. However, it often is better to just go with the momentum and you just make a call, you're a ref, right? So even if it's the wrong call,

you make a call and you move on with the game. Yeah. So there is a momentum to the game where it is better oftentimes to not sit there and litigate every single moment. And maybe with Mork Borg, it is a little bit more deadly and players are expected to drop. I think I would be more careful if this was like a hundred episode campaign.

And it's like, I fucked up and like this character should have had less HP or something like that or done less damage. I probably wouldn't kill a character that's been around for like three years. But if we're all doing a one shot, I probably wouldn't be like, oh, wait, that actually wasn't a crit because of this. You know what I mean? Yeah, I still just feel like. So knowing in the moment when it's salvageable that someone shouldn't have gone down,

I don't know. I think you'd feel weird or sitting on that. It's such a judgment call in the moment. It's not like you did it after the session. You did it right in the moment. Yeah. Yeah. It was very much like a, oh, wait.

It's like a five second rule when you drop something on the floor. Do we want to establish a president here like how long is too long? Like when is the official limit for like when you're not allowed to take a move back? I think one player's turn. One player's turn seems good. Yeah. I was going to say, like, one turn, but I just still feel like if I downed any of my players and I realized within a round or within that session, no, but maybe not that session, I wouldn't

because it'd be really disruptive to have everyone perform their morning. I think M is onto something when you mentioned adding another role, essentially, I think what I would do is while the player, well, this isn't what I would do. What I would do is exactly what you would do. Yeah, I would have done exactly what you had. Why it messed with the momentum of the table because there's just no easy way to fix this. Because, like, as soon as they start role-playing the morning process,

then they're in that zone and you have to pull them out. So maybe what I would do, having reflected on this now, is what M was saying is put it down to a role. I might be like, I made a mistake here, but we're already kind of rolling with this. The character is knocked out. I'm essentially going to let you roll that D4 with advantage. You're going to roll one time.

If you roll a four again, you're dead. Otherwise, we're going to take the other role with it. Yeah, that's not good. But that's just me scrambling to come up with something after the facts. Yeah, because it wasn't even about the role. It was also about that they accused you of lying. I know. I think that I would be more, like, enraged by that.

There's so many tables that, like, you would have been like, oh, shit, I got that wrong. You're not actually down. and everyone would have just celebrated. Yeah. But I do see the issue here, which is like, maybe they were already, like, beginning their, like, bereavement ceremony.

Like, they were already saying, like, Clancy, no. Oh, Clancy. Clancy. Yeah. Clancy, Tom. And I guess they're playing, you know, they're playing morcborg, so they don't want you to pull any punches.

Precisely. As we all know. As we all know about Morck-Borg. If you're Morkeborg gamer, you want to die. I mean, you've been rifling through a morkeborg. yourself, Jake, being like, is this where Scaldova goes next? Who up morke in the board?

Scaldova season two will mostly be Borg based. Mork, if you're lucky. Right. In the game, you were either Mork or you were Borg and you have two counters that will determine whether you're Mork or Borg. You start with the Borg, you earn the Morg.

Exactly. Okay, so, yeah, what do we say here? Because it's, I don't know what I would have done differently, yeah. I don't, like, really, I think I'm just going to roll with you because I think that. Yeah. Because you told the truth. Yeah. Because you told the truth. Unless you're lying to us. They're mad at you because they think you're lying. Right. They should just trust you enough to when you say I didn't lie. I get why they think you're lying. And so I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and see how to do it differently. But honestly, I just, I just would have done the same thing. You have to morke somebody in the next session. Because I'm like with death, it's so extreme conditionally, I guess.

Yes, in a long campaign, like, death is so bad to just, like, lose a character. So if I made a mistake, I would just be like, sorry, guys, I made a mistake. And it is a fucking mood killer. Well, this is the hard thing about these games is, like, in the rulebook, they're like, you're the DM, like, you ultimately decide. But it's also like, I love following rules. I love rules so much. And I like it when people are proud of me for following them.

Yeah. Or even I like it when you give me rules so that the people I'm playing with never think online. Yeah. Yeah, so that people I'm playing with think this is fair. I like when my friends and peers know that I have honor. Is it worth considering the other side of the coin where if you hit this player with an armed zombie and you thought it was unarmed and they were celebrating surviving? And then you said, oh, wait, I have to roll a D4.

Oh, that I think tie in, I think tie goes to the player. Yeah. In moments like that where it's like 50, 50, I would say just keep. I already made my mistake. We're crossing over. But I think, though, in that moment, because it's not the, I mean, it's like, what, a 25% chance. I think that in that moment, you being like, oh, shit, actually it's armed. That's tension.

If you say it immediately, you don't, you don't take that back three turns later. Putting it down to a role. Just if you realize it in that moment. Putting it down to a role is different than just being like, oh, actually, you should be dead. You know what I mean? You'll never write a novel again, Clancy Tom. All right. Though they will outlive you.

So I guess we're going to say we're on your side, but also I know why your players were confused or... Yeah, we shouldn't punish them that hard. But you told the truth. But I'm just on your side because you told the truth. Yeah. I have to, yeah. The truth has to matter.

You acted with honor. Yeah. Scream the truth has to matter at your friends. Double down. Yeah. I'm trying to think if there's a movie where like Alec Ball, when or someone delivers like a monologue about truth. You can't handle the truth?

Tom Cruise? Is that a good man? No, what movie is that? That's a few good men. Oh, a few good men. I feel like probably truth matters. It's Jack Nicholson that says you can't handle that. Okay, so maybe, maybe just find whatever movie, maybe find.

What about you? Have me at hello? Okay. Oh, yeah. So as long as it's just saying random. If you just say a thing from a movie? Yeah. From Tom Cruise movies.

Maybe you say ghost protocol has been activated. Yeah. And you jump out a window. Say something that. Tom Cruise doesn't say in a top of cruise movie. Say, that makes sense. Say, say, oh, that's good. Yeah, okay.

Say, as Tom Cruise said in Ghost Protocol, you can't handle the truth. How's that for risky business? Yeah, that's true. Just say the title of a movie. Yeah. Do you watch, I mean, what is D&D if not risky business? Yeah. It really is.

It really is. Yeah, say what is D&D if not risky business? presented DVD from the library of risky business sliding across the table you will have to request it oh and then hey guys I hate to bring it around to this but you can flip the DVD to determine if they're okay there it is we have it we fucking landed on it flip risky business whoa this is the first time Murph has been on board without a DVD flipping we got him ladies and gentlemen has time worn you down or is this just if we keep If we keep talking about it, I will turn on it.

It was a simple yes, and let's not continue. Murph was the minority report, and now he's in the majority. All right. So, yeah, so we're on your side. You're on your side, B, you have to rent risky business from the library. From my experience, put that, put that in now because sometimes it can take up to a week. Might want to call it. Sometimes it's immediate.

Yeah. And honestly, when this episode drops, it's going to be a highly requested. It'll be sold out of it. It'll be like Google trends at the library. It'll be like risky business for people try to take it out instead of zero people. Oh, no. All the kids are cruising the library now. That's when you go to the library and rent as many Tom Cruise plates if you can.

They all have DVD players. They do give you a surprising amount of loans. Oh, really? You could, I think I could get a 30 Tom Cruise money. Wait, 30? That's amazing. You can go in a load of them. How long do you get to keep those four?

You get, some of them are only four day and some of them are seven day. But you can really easily renew that. Because I know on Libby, they give you a lot of slots. But that's because it's like digital. Even like the physical DVDs, you get 30 slots. I haven't tried it yet. What if a punishment is, is getting 30 Tom Cruise movies from the library? All of them with one day returns.

Wow. And you have to fucking watch them all. Literally physically impossible. Mission impossible. Your mission, you are forced to accept it. All right. Yeah, the players have to do this because they don't believe you. Okay, so ordered.

Our next case comes from Don't Call Me Prettier than Aphrodite. Okay, I won't. I won't. The honorable judges and the honorably discharged bailiff Jacob, your last paycheck will be mail to you. Thank you.

Did not I was getting paid, but it actually kind of owns. I was playing in a tyranny of dragons campaign with the DM that was notoriously, quote, rules as written. My grave cleric, in tandem with our tempest cleric storm sorcerer, completed a combined attack

that resulted in 300 plus points of damage to Tiam. I believe it because I believe that the grave cleric has something that does max or that does double damage gives someone vulnerability. And then I think that Tempice cleric can then do max damage on thunder or lightning. So if you had some high level thing, that would be my guess about how they did that.

I love that. I love anytime people can like find a way to do combo attacks indeed. Yeah. I'm predicting that somebody fudge Tiamat's HP. effectively having her HP. In turn, R.D.M. targeted my cleric specifically with her breath weapon. Due to various in-game magical items and a hero's feast, most of the damage was null on the party.

But I was unable to effectively resist the fire damage. Despite this, I rolled a Nat 20 on my save, thinking that would amount to something. However, I was told since I only got to add a plus two to my deck save, it didn't matter regardless. Yeah. Judges, bailiff, while you're still employed. Why did my DM even call for a role if the highest possible number wouldn't have saved my cleric from an immediate no death saves death? It's possible that they didn't know that you only had a plus two. Yeah. I feel very torn about this because I am often a player.

I think if I were a DM, it'd be really hard not to reward a Nat 20 on a save, but I know that it's really not normal to. Make it half damage at the very least. I feel like that too. just, I mean, as a player for sure, like, you just roll a Nat 20 and you think that's good. Something's got to happen, right? It's interesting, I thought giving the like buildup of this question, that this was a rules-based DM that they were going to like fudge Tiamat's stats or something like that after really insisting on being by the book.

But like, I think this sucks and I wouldn't do it. I think if I was going to ask for a roll a Nat 20 to get half. damage isn't crazy because there is like I don't know there is a luck to it right if you're thinking about it like a movie or something like that even a character who's not as dexterous or something could possibly get out of the way yeah bumble or something like that classic jar jar binks we're all in that 20's left and right we all know jar jar bins down to pick up his commemorative edition phantom men as Pepsi yeah and then just the fireball goes right over him I also have had many times where I've rolled a Nat 20 on a save and it doesn't mean anything special.

And it's tough as a DM to like always honor those because I think there are times like you'll roll in that one and it's like you say something funny but like there's no like extra punishment to that. Yeah. And it's hard to like on the fly because you're managing so much else also come up with like a bonus or benefit. But I will say that like yeah, I would say that you could easily argue that you should get like half damage. Yeah. I think you could argue it, but ultimately, if the DM is like, no, that I think this is not, this is a pretty common rule to follow. And this DM has established themselves as being a raw DM. Yeah.

Like, it's, if this was also out of character, like, oh, this DM is constantly doing like the theater of the mind, Nat 20, you do a backflip and take no damage. But this time it didn't work, then maybe that you have more of the case. Yeah. I don't like it, but I have to respect it. I also thought that the thing was going to be something about them trying to get out of taking that massive amount of damage. And they didn't try to get out of it. Yeah. So, I mean, that tells me that they're like, all right, they're not pulling punches for themselves.

So, yeah, I think it sucks. The submitter does make. But at the end of the day, you were also killed by Tiamat, which is common. It wasn't like a zombie. You made an enemy of Tiamat. Yeah. It was a valiant death to be sure. I think that's a cool way to die if you're going to die in campaign.

Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I do agree the idea of like, why would I even roll if there's no chance that I could possibly save? But like, I'm saying, you might not know their, you might not know their decks. But that is, that is a really anticlimactic way to kill someone, though, is to just be like, what did you get on your deck save? Yeah. And that 20. Oh, that's just a 22. Okay, you actually are dead. Although, I don't know, you could, I just said it really bad, but you could be like, right. You know, it's that Dragon Ball Z moment where you go. all out and then you're like actually it didn't do shit you're fucking dead oh yeah i just i feel like i can't imagine but i also haven't dm'd enough i've been so much more of a player so but in my head i can't imagine not at least being like you have a chance to cast one last spell before you die or something like that you know i know it's just like nat 20s they've uh irreversibly changed my perception of the number like whenever i see a 20 in real life i just smile yeah And my daughter's birthday is December 20th.

And like, you know, I always, I think of it as the credit birthday now. And I will never tell her that. But I think of it as. So I understand, like, when you see that 20 come up, you want something for it. Yeah. Yeah. It feels bad. It feels raw when the raw dog deprives you of it.

Again, the only thing I would say is that I have rolled Nat 20s on saving throws and not gotten anything special for it. So I do think it is very common. It's a common rule. Yeah. I don't know that they're even being such a harm. Yeah, I think we make a bigger deal out of Nat 20s, particularly because it is like a performative show. I mean, we started a church for the damn thing.

Yeah, we started, yeah. But to like, yeah, I don't know. I do agree that the rolling aspect of it is tough to just be like, why would I even roll? Yes. I think the generous reed, though, is that they just didn't know. Yeah. One last to dinem is like there could be a character who has like a reaction

that can grant an additional bonus to a saving thing. throw. I think that like artificers get that. I mean, it could have been like, you know, somebody could have had a bardic. There could have been a blessing play. We don't know like what the other factors were. So like it is worth always having them do the role, I suppose. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's true. There's always like flash of genius or something. Yeah, I mean, you're running a Tiamot fight. There's a lot to manage, I guess. Yeah, yeah. You're juggling a lot of heads. I would also guess if you're fighting Tiamat, then you guys were pretty high level. Also, if you did that much damage, I would imagine you were a pretty high level. So I'm guessing that also

your DM, because you can be a really high-level character and have a shit save in one of your categories that never goes up. You'll have like a plus seven to something else. So they might just like not remember that. I also do think Caldo brings up a good point. It's just like you never know what abilities people have that you could use to buff something up. So it is almost always worth rolling because you don't know if there's like a paladin aura up. There's like so much stuff. I also feel like it would be just as annoying to hear that I died. I got no role. Yeah.

Yes. All right. Yep, Timot kills you. No, no save, no role. That's a really good point. Yeah. I think that like the law of this court tells me that I think I may actually rule with your DM and their right to do that.

But I, emotionally, I'm fully with you. Yeah. We don't like it, but we respect it. Yeah. We would have not done this, but ultimately this does sound like the game you've been playing in for a while. and the DM is nothing if not consistent. We can give you a really light punishment. We'll give you such a light punishment.

Like rent one Tom Cruise movie. Just a single one. And with a four-day return. You have the 29 loans left over after that. You can watch them at your leisure. Yeah, whenever you want to, honestly. You can give Vanilla Sky. It can be Vanilla Sky.

Yeah. We're just going to give you Vanilla Sky. You can have Vanilla Sky. On Laserdisc? Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. Laser disk technology?

That's a big disc for it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's kind of a punishment because you have to find something special. Yeah. Okay.

So it is like you have to find it yourself. Okay, fine. We punish you to get into laser disks. Yeah. Or not, but if you don't, you won't be able to see vanilla sky on laser disc, which you just got from us for free. I'm actually really having a hard time finding vanilla sky on laser disc.

I was going to say, I think laser disk, it was like basically the movie back to the future and maybe one other movie that year and then they immediately invented technology. No, there's, um, you can get Top Gun on Laserdisc for sure. Okay. Okay. Yeah, not Vanilla Sky.

Okay, we're pivoting, Top Gun. We're pivoting. Yeah. Vanilla Sky is just a funnier punishment. Okay. Maybe we stack on that. You have to try and get people over to your house to watch Top Gun on Laserdisc. You have to constantly be bringing it up.

And then when they come over, be like, shit, I forgot I don't have a laser system. All right. Now it's starting a dope punishment. You have to try and jam it into your DVD player. This is now pretty human. I have a giant laser It's gonna fit

It'll fit, it'll fit, it'll fit Keep bang, it's gonna work Hold on, one minute, one minute It'll play, I did this last Easter I just gotta shave the sides off of the Hearing it crap It would just be so dangerous for your hand As it just snaps

Even just the idea of trying to like shave off And be like, well at least get to see Like the first 20 minutes Hold on, let me get my lathe Let me get my lathe. I'm going to shave it on my lathe. Don't go anywhere. I've been really looking forward to this.

You got to shove a laser disc in your DVD player. I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this. I thought we're on your side. This is way more of a button than I think you deserve. The bit's so ordered. Unfortunately, the bit rolled against you. That's the law of the land, unfortunately.

We follow the raw of our hearts and that's the bit as exacerbated the punishment. Apologies for that. So ordered. Our next case comes from Tyler F. Tyler writes, happy hogglades judges hi Jake Today I bring to you the case of the fudgy rolls For context, our party has a grave cleric

Whose channeled divinity allows them to negate crits And we have a wizard with silvery barbs Needless to say, our DM doesn't crit as often as she'd like Interestingly though Our last four combats have opened with the DM Critting, the crit being negated and the DM immediately critting on the next attack. Wow!

Four times? There was one combat where this exact sequence happened three times. Hmm. Judges, am I right to be suspicious of this fishy luck? P.S., the DM is my longtime girlfriend, and I am the wizard with silvery barbs. Ooh, you got to confront her. Whoa.

Right, yeah. This is your girlfriend, you got to. Relationships are built on trust and honesty. You got to, because right now, you're spinning stories in your head. That's not good for a relationship. Right. So go to IKEA and like when you're getting the Swedish meatballs, you're sitting down for your like mid-shopping feast.

And you say the players are talking. And I'm concerned. You throw another player into the bus. You say, hey, the road. And babe, you know I got your back. Isn't this crazy they think you're faking the second crib? I trust you with my life as you shovel a meatball in your house. And I, yeah.

And I told them you guys are full. of it. And I knocked over a glass of water. I said she would never fudge a roll. Right. You wouldn't. Right? You wouldn't. Right, babe. As you swirl the gravy into your mashed potatoes, right? You are the person I think you are, right? I want to sleep soundly on my mom bed frame next to you. I do have a question like kind of more like abstractly. Like me as a DM, this wouldn't super bother me. Yeah, I don't need to crit that bad. yeah i don't this is giving needing to kill the bear yeah yeah i think that's needing to kill the bear that's the like i mean i guess like but maybe i am like a softy like i really because i feel like i i quit on mirv all the time and that really feels so bad and it's like the closest i've come

to fudging a role it's like a critting on murph multiple times being like why why dost thou tell this story it is true it's like i i don't like to crit that much as a dm because i am sitting there looking at my notes being like, I didn't account for this. I didn't account for rolling twice as much as I usually do. I think the only times I've ever crit is like in Trinavale Extra, like maybe when I was playing one of like the donk squad and they get like a D4 of damage. Yeah, oh, they crit. I mean, that's five.

Yeah, when you're like, I feel like when you have lots of weenies, then the weanies do crit just because you're rolling so much. Yeah. But like, yeah. So I think like part of me is like, I don't even think anyone would be inspired to fudge these roles. Is it possible that is it the same? Because sometimes you get a synergy with a dice.

Yeah. And the dice just really like. Oh my God. It could just be weighted dice and she doesn't know. Oh, that's true. I don't know how. But I also think though, I feel like the true test is if whenever one of my dice is rolling really hot, rolling a lot of 20s, it's also rolling a lot of ones.

So the true test is if she's also critting in the other direction. If she's also crit failing a lot, then those are just spicy dice that are in the mood to tell a crazy story. It's the fact that it, the submitter said it kicked off four combats with this happening. Four combats have opened up. And one of those combats that happened three times. So presumably she's also lying about the first crit because the odds in opening four combats in a row within that 20 are pretty damn low. They're really, really low.

They're pretty bad. You got to like confront her in the plushy section over the giant whales and say, have you a shred of honor to your name. We also, we had Emily rolls nuts. Yeah. Speaking of like rolling crits to see who's rolling hot, we had in campaign one, you had the rolls where he rolled three ones in a row. Yeah. For Beverly Mishka Papa the second.

And then you also had, I remember it was right when you were turning into a barbarian or multiclassing into barbarian. You had like three crits in a row on something. I don't remember what it was. Yeah. I don't remember that, but it's like whenever I sit down to play, I roll to see who is rolling hot. But to roll hot, it's also, I also set aside the ones that roll ones because I find that those are the ones that tend to go to like the extremes.

Yeah. Right. They have a story to tell. Yeah. Yeah. But I also, I can't, I think this feels beyond. This feels fudge. Does your girlfriend lie to you about other shit?

Yeah. Yeah, that might be more important. You guys have a heart to heart and they add an IKEA coming up. Yeah. But I do like the idea of saying, other people are saying this. And I thought it was put it up. Yeah. So crazy.

I guess even just for like a gut check, like it sounds beyond fishy to me. Yeah. It sounds like it's, it's, it's, I think that you're giving her the benefit of the doubt when you say it's a little than Swedish card. Hit her with stats be like, did you know the odds of rolling four nap and a row? Okay. She would have had to roll eight. I know.

Well, but I think also though. I want the truth. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. What if behind the fudge. roles is an insecurity, right? What if you give her a space to say, yeah, man, I have been fudging the rolls because I'm scared. I don't know how to make this interesting for you guys, and I'm going to the bare minimum, which is killing people. And then you could be like, actually,

no, you've been doing an awesome job. You don't need the crit for this to be interesting. The odds of rolling eight natural 20s in a row is one in 25.6 billion. Billion? Billion. I've seen worse. There are people in the world that have a billion dollars. True. Yeah. There's people that have a lot more. And they're all awesome.

Yes. Each one of them rocks more than the last one. It's almost like that number. I think we can agree that that number is in a natural, unnatural amount to accumulate. Your girlfriend is lucky and awesome. Clearly. Yeah. This is, yeah, this is so she's faking it.

Yeah. But we don't, I mean, I don't, I don't want to say. that for sure but I do want to say that you are in your right to have a conversation just start lightly floating stats yeah just start being like repeat this stat did you know the odds of getting eight nat 20s in a row is one 25.6 billion if you do it again let's see what the odds of running nine are how about the are you're sort of pepper and pet names as you're doing yeah yeah if you do it again be like you're going for the record okay it'll be 512 I don't even know how to read this number is this

It's still billion. Yeah. As an alternative, maybe you get one of your video compositor friends to insert Tom Cruise into the Matt Damon role and Goodwill Hunting. And when you're playing it, it's Robin Williams saying to Tom Cruise, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think having, you might as well take that out from the library because it'll be good

to have it on deck in case to confront her. Yeah. And it all comes, no, but it all comes spilling out. I don't know why I was doing this. Oh, and have it keyed up on the DVD. on that scene, right, even though, but it may be, but it is her fault. So like, you can, every time that, every time that Robin Williams, oh, right. He says, it's all your fault.

Yeah, but I think every time, you have Robin Williams there. Lower the volume. Yeah, at that part. Oh, sorry. I thought you were saying to me. Do you know? Don't be an insane power movie. The worst thing we've ever heard.

Hey, Emily, lower the volume, right? I'm always telling women to lower the volume. Usually he has a finger signal for it. Yes. crazy that we caught it on Mike this time lower the volume yeah

we did actually cut Emily off though Emily go on oh I don't think it makes any sense now but I was just saying that perfect as Robin Williams is in the background providing emotional support but you can clarify in between

every time he says it's not your fault say it actually is your fault yeah right because he's saying it's not your fault to Tom Cruise as Matt Damon but he's not saying it to the girl and you keep it's not your And then you say, yeah, it's your fault.

Yeah, you can keep saying it's not Matt Damon's fault. Right. It is your fault. So who's fault is it? It's your fault. Matt Damon's not in the film. I don't know what you're talking about. And she's going to be flat-footed because she's like thinking, I'm pretty sure it's

Matt Damon in this movie. Oh. So all of her defenses to lie to you are not going to be ready. Right. So she's going to be like her head cocked, her eyes giving a, wait, what's going on look? And you're going to say, have you been lying? And she'll be like, yeah. But isn't that supposed to be Matt Damon?

and then she'll cover her mouth being like shit what did I just admit and then she'll just start sobbing and saying it's because I'm scared I'm not good enough yeah yeah it's the perfect crap just keep saying you're one in 25.6 billion oh winking yeah every time you see her get a locket that says that oh you could just if you wanted to be really passive aggressive that's so funny you could just keep uh you could just keep a tally of the percentage every single time and then say it under your breath every time you're Chris. Then you get, like Caldwell said, a piece of jewelry to commemorate this unbelievable feet.

Oh, okay. And you give it to her on your anniversary. I do think you could maybe, I'm trying to pivot into like actual advice. Interesting. I do wonder if you could float it and just be like, are you having trouble with like the, these guys kind of breaking your encounters

by having them negate all. crits or something like that? Are you feeling like you have to fudge some rolls or anything like that? It is really tough to navigate. Yeah. But it does seem like she's fudging rolls. I mean, it doesn't seem like she is. But I also think

that there could be, it could potentially bring you guys closer. Yeah. If she is to get through it. Yeah. I don't either bring you closer or tear you apart. Yeah. This is going to be a breakthrough. If me and Emily can get through, Emily thinking I told her to turn the volume down. Yeah. Then you guys can get through this. Jury's out. Which jury's out.

No, I meant... We'll see what happens during the people. I meant to turn it down during not. It's your fault during the DVD. That was the joke I was making. Let's punish Murf. What fuck. Yeah.

Okay. So if we decided on the punishment, we sentenced you to have an awkward conversation. Yeah, we said, it's a girlfriend. We're on the, we're on the submiter side. Yeah, we're on the submitter side. So the girlfriend has to shove a DVD, era laser disc of Goodwill hunting

in their DVD player. Oh, you know what would also be fun if they try to play a laser disc in a record player, just shoving it in. Oh, yeah. That'd be kind of fun. You're like, I just want to listen to Goodwill hunting today.

Just scratch at the laser disc and make heinous sounds. This should work. And you have to do that at the sample bedroom at IKEA. Oh, that's a good idea. While you're trying to take a nap as they're trying to close the store.

Godspeed, this is, tough. One in 20, one in 25.6 billion. Good luck. We don't envy you. Just remember that number. So ordered.

Okay. Craig writes, Justices, I come for urgent aid in an ongoing matter might be above Jake's level. Whoa. The case of Uncommon Common.

I recently started playing in a new campaign with my longtime group slash DM. The world is totally homebrewed by the DM. is rich with God's magic monsters and interesting NPCs. Cool. However, at our first stop after leaving our home city, we found the locals did not speak common.

They spoke a language unique to their location. Only our contact in the city, who was a slightly suspicious innkeeper, spoke common. We went to a shop at one point and with the help of comprehend languages bought some health potions. We left the city shortly after. The problem is that the city had a lot of strange and interesting things going on. They weren't apparently relevant to our adventure, but the DM went out of their way to mention them. I wanted to be able to talk to anyone other than the shady innkeeper, but could not communicate in a meaningful way.

Ultimately, it didn't hinder the quest, but it felt very lackluster. The DM assured us that in bigger cities or more traveled places, more people would speak common, but the difficulty communicating was part of his game. I just want to be able to talk to people. I'm not particularly interested in the difficulty of. of the game coming from a language barrier. We have talked to the DM about it and he is open to changing things but wants some kind of challenge with communication.

How do we bridge the gap? Sounds like the DM doesn't want to improvise, maybe. Oh, my first thought was they invented a language. Oh, that's interesting. And they're like really pumped about it. I think, I mean, I understand the impulse here because like there are a lot of spells that are like comprehend language.

There's like spells about like, you know, like I feel like there's one spell where you can like instantly understand someone. Maybe that's a monk ability, I'm not sure. I feel like, though, that's, like, best used when it's like, oh, here's a letter that contains sensitive information, but you can't read it, and then someone might come through with a clutch comprehend languages. I'm, like, not, well, here, I would say here's the benefit to it, is that, like, you guys

get to talk a lot as a party. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I guess this is, like, that's true. Kind of fantasy realism in a way that's, like, not fun. Yeah. Like, I think, I guess if you really thought about it, you'd be like, yes, of course, if you're adventuring going from town to town across the world,

you wouldn't be able to speak to nine out of ten people that you met. But that's not necessarily the most fun way to do it. I wonder because this person wants to talk with people more, but the DM wants there to be some sort of communication difficulty. Couldn't you maybe propose, because they said the DM's open to it, but they want a communication difficulty. Couldn't you propose etiquette? etiquette is different everywhere you go and so you like might have to do something to like know like

what is the proper cultural language yeah yeah like sort of like what what what how should you be addressing like certain people like are there like physical mannerisms that are polite somewhere rude somewhere else maybe that would be like a middle ground that would give him or would give the DM a bit of difficulty that they crave but let you talk to people I think that this is designed to be used more like if you're battling orcs or knolls or something like that and if like somebody just happens to have comprehend languages or like they have the ability to speak null it's just like oh you get an edge in the battle i don't know sure if this is supposed to be used as much as like a way to like gate information in a city like this you know what it's can oh but i'm saying that

the dm said i'm open to having common more prevalent but i want there to be a difficulty in communication so i'm trying to like come up with like what can they go back to do dm So, right, I'm like, this makes sense to me as a one-off town. Yeah. As being like, okay, they're in this area of the world. It makes sense that people don't all speak the same language that totally tracks. But when the DM says things like, I basically want it to be hard to communicate for the whole campaign, that does, like, raise a red flag for me where I'm kind of like, well, the players want to meet people, right? And you don't always have to, you know.

maybe they're like maybe in their world they're like actually this is a world where information is more powerful than magic and therefore retrieving information I'm not saying this is right right I'm like trying to understand why they would do this but there is there is something I feel like I'm like giving a lot of generous reads I ultimately I agree with you it's weird that you can't talk to anyone yeah but there is like I agree that it is fun for one town because I think of that Bojack Horseman episode where they go underwater yeah so there is like a dreamy, hazy, but it feels like it only lasts for one town. I agree that it's got cool flavor as like,

you can't speak this language and your interpreter is like kind of shady and you don't know if you can trust them. It's like, that's an interesting, it's a puzzle. But if that's like, oh, this is also going to be the next time and the town after. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If all this was was the one town, that's fine.

But also, I guess here's the thing, though, is the players literally submitting here saying it felt like kind of anticlimactic and kind of. of like disappointing so it wasn't they also didn't nail it you know what I mean because there are those like bottle episodes and those episodes of shows where it's like okay we're going to do something different yeah and usually those are like the best episodes but this is for whatever reason like didn't work because I think you could ask this contact to like teach you some conversational phrases at the very least like I think you there's like roles you could make to like communicate with people I wonder too so like if the if the DM is because like part of me was like oh well they want like communication to be difficult maybe for some kind of creative reason but maybe they want it to be difficult if they're going for some kind of realism thing can you just be like hey man can we just like find like a babblefish and sort of like we'll know that everyone talks different languages but we can just talk to people like maybe that would also solve it is a thing if you're like coming back to this town later

when you've like acquired like a special item yeah maybe i'm just maybe i've got like a silk song on the brain where I'm just like, oh, I got to go back and check all these places now that I know how to read this language. Yeah. Yeah. I think this would, again, this would be fine with me if this was a short part of the campaign. But like, you know, you're all telling a story together. So it's a, it's a movie. And if in Lord of the Rings, like, Aragorn just walking around, he literally can't understand anyone. That's not a particularly interesting movie. It would be interesting if there was a scene where he's somewhere and he doesn't know how to quite communicate with anyone or it's difficult to communicate.

Yeah. But to have that be... They can't do all three books on that. And again, the DM hasn't... The DM hasn't done that yet. It sounds like it was just this one town, but the fact that the DM is just like, noted your criticism.

I'm going to still keep doing it that right. It's a red flag for me. I feel like they came to us with saying, like, the DM said they're open to making common more available, but they want a hurdle. So my two suggestions are, etiquette can always be a hurdle. And then also, if it's just realism they're going for it, maybe you can say,

cool, can we just find some kind of like babblefish that speaks a couple languages, get access to a couple languages? Also, there's a million reasons for people on like the outskirts of a society to hate the dudes with swords that come into their town. Like, there's just a million other reasons, namely the fact that they have swords and they're in their town, you know? Does anyone have any other suggestions of hurdles for? this, that they can pitch to their DM to try to be like, hey, can we...

I think the real, like, are you a witch-a-type stuff, like, really just hating them for being in town? Right, exactly. I guess, like, if you want to play along, maybe be like, can we get, like, a language primer that we can, like, study over time to try and, like, learn phrases to decrease the DC of our persuasion checks when we talk to people in a language you don't understand. Or even maybe they could get a translator who's just really nice and cool. And then the way it can work is the translation.

starts off the conversation, but then you guys just have the conversation and omit the part where the translator is talking. Yeah, yeah. An NPC translator is a fun, like, DMNPC as well. Yeah. Yeah, I think that this won't be super fun, long term. So I just hope that your DM

just did it for this one-off thing. But it sounds like, and again, we keep saying that this does sound like it works for a one-off, but it sounds like it didn't even work for that because he didn't like it. So I think with that, we should punish this DM. We should, oh, yeah, we're definitely going to punish the DM. But hopefully we've given you some thoughts about what to go back to this.

Yeah, they have to buy a laser disk of Top Gun in a language like they don't speak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they might speak Portuguese. Okay. So it has to be a language that they don't speak. All right, fine.

Or maybe they have to take out Top Gun from the library in every language but English. Yeah. There you go. But who knows if they, they, maybe they don't speak English. They could be a polyglot. Sorry, every language that they don't speak. There you go. yeah yeah uh okay so so ordered okay and it's not every single language that you don't speak

understanding top it's gonna be region locked too you're fucked yeah there's not a ton of dialogue in top gun yeah you're right we should have like a way more dialogue focused one vanilla sky yeah a few good a few good man has some dialogue that's a sorking yeah okay uh let's step into church uh for this confession though it is actually I would argue that it's half case. This one comes from Grassee B, to whom it may concern. I present to the Honorable Justice's and or the Deacons of the Dice. A few months back during a session, I'm a player in. The DM asked one of my fellow players to roll for an ability check.

The player rolled and sadly got a three. But to my surprise, he announced it was a 17. I cast a glance at him. And he looked at me and winked. I thought this, dude. I was flabbergasted. I thought maybe I saw wrong and went on with it, thinking it was not that big a deal. Then a few weeks later, I witnessed the same event yet again.

I did not say anything, and that is my fault. But to my defense, I am no snitch. Should I have denounced this crime? Did this wear your wink again the next time? Someone who really loves a wink, it feels so wrong to use a wink this way. I will say them winking makes it so much better. It really makes it so much better. Because if they're, if they rolled and just lied right in front of my face, I'd be like, you're a fucking psycho.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the fact that they're like, you're in on the joke. Oh, you're just, you don't understand the game. You're a fucking scam. We're cheating together, dude. Right. Yeah. Uh, they ask, am I an accomplice?

in this blasphemy against Dice Christ P.S. hate the show. I hate the show. I don't know what to tell you because I do think that by winking they made you an accomplice. Wait, I will say though,

yeah, I guess we just have this relationship with our friends where I would just laugh and be like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, but I would call them out instantly but in like a funny way, I wouldn't be like, he's lying.

I would just be like, dude, don't wink at me. You wrote the three. Yeah. That's the way to do it. Yeah. You have to just do it. Maybe in a joking way.

You have to do it in a joking way, but like a razz. Yeah. I guess now, I mean, now you've got along with it twice. So you are in. You have to wait the third time and then say, dude, stop winking at me. You've got a four. Yeah. Or maybe the third time you wink before they can wink at you.

And then you say, you wink at them. And then you're like, no, you didn't do. Look at his dice. You know, since you're an accomplice, you can come clean for. both of you next time it happens they wink at you they say it's an 18 and you say no it's it's really a two we're tired of lying to you oh that's oh maybe you could like you could also roll a fake number but like do a really bad job of lying like rolling at 20 and everyone clearly sees it and you're like oops seven I thought we were all lying I thought we were all lying

I thought lying was cool and then look at the person and wink this feels like such a dad move or something like you're like playing like with someone's dad and like he doesn't really understand DNA, so he's just like, yeah, I feel like, you got to get one over on the D. Yeah, a dad cracking a beer while driving, thinking at you. Yeah. I feel like you're being, well, first off, I'm going to say, I don't feel comfortable. I do think that you were made an accomplice by the winking, but I do think that you are being tested. You're being tested by Dice Christ. Yeah. And you'll be punished in your real life if you don't have a person. I'm just kidding. Yeah, I do think you should

I mean at this point You've gone along with it twice right So you are in pretty freaking deep I think at this point I would be like I would maybe pull my friend aside and be like Yo you can't keep lying about your roles Yeah maybe they just genuinely I can't go along with it anymore

Maybe they genuinely don't understand how the game works They do they're winking Such a simple thing to get If they don't get that then there's bigger problems Yeah I would say now that you've gone along with it You do have to pull them aside Like, we got to stop. Yeah.

I think you can still diffuse publicly. I think if you go along with it one more time, you're fucked. You guys are like in it for life. Once you have the off mic talk about it, then you can call them out publicly. Okay. Yeah. Are you got to give them a warning. Yeah.

I see. Or maybe you could like next time you're out of supermarket or something, you just like grab a slim gym and shove it in your pocket and you just wink at them. I think they would love that. This cheeky little scamp would love that. Don't go down that path. do not do that you can't teach him a lesson like that that's true yeah all right yeah yeah you got to pull him aside yeah i just at an ikea so forgiven you could have done it just out loud no not forgiven yet right you haven't fixed it yeah just going along with it

so right now it is your fault and you do have to turn the volume down you had to turn the volume down sorry i laughed at that but it was really loud yeah you had to turn the volume down Emily style and have Robin Williams say that it is your fault. Should we punish this person as well? Should we punish this? The winker? Yeah. Should we punish this cheeky winker?

Yeah, I think they should watch a few good men because they are not behaving like one. Right, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Just like Jack Nicholson. Yeah. Or what if, yeah. Okay.

This person, the winker. Pastor Rent. The winker. A laser disc. A laser. It sounds like it comes and steals children at night. You're like, why do we call it the winker? Or the winker will come.

You fell asleep in a fairy circle. The winkers come. If their eyes, you do wink, then, ooh, away you will go before you can think. Okay, so the winker has to rent a laser disk of, wait, this is what you do. You're going to, okay, the winker, you're going to go to the library. You're going to keep saying, I need a laser disc. of Vanilla Sky and then winking. Yeah.

Because it doesn't exist, but they won't know what you mean. Oh, and then you try to steal the library books and wink about it. You keep winking. And maybe when the librarian says, sir,

we don't have that, you say, sorry, can you turn the volume down? And do the dial motion. Say, excuse me, I'm the winker.

Yeah. You have to secure a copy of top gun on DVD by asking for a laser disk of vanilla sky and winking and turning the volume down and nothing else. You got to settle for Top Gun. I think you could do it.

Yeah. Because I do think eventually they would say, we don't have Vanilla Sky. We do have Top Gun. And then if you went up to that, they might give it to you. I got to say it. Because you could turn the volume down

when they offer other things. They probably have Vanilla Sky. Not on Laserdisc. Not on Laserdisc. Maybe. Right. But then you tell them to turn the volume down when they offer it on DVD.

What a fucking quote. to find Vanilla Sky on Laserdisc at the library. It's out there. I believe it's out there. I believe it's not. Fox Motor style. It's not out there. I actually like really like Scully style feels strong in the conviction that Vanilla Sky on laser disk doesn't exist.

Well, let's put on our big ass coats and go find it. Yeah. I don't trust. I mean, Scully was often wrong. Yeah. I don't trust AI for a lot. But when it tells me that Vanilla Sky wasn't made on Laserdisc, I do believe that. Right.

Because AI knows what you want to hear. Yeah, they want to tell me. They're protecting the enthusiast communities. They want me to log on and buy laser disks. And yet they can't even lie to me about that. Don't you just think it's weird, Scully, that there's all of these laser discs out there, but no vanilla sky? I just think Vanilla Sky came out way after. That's a great point.

Which you're not considering is wormholes. All right. I'm not considering that. And with that, we're going to go ahead and wrap this. one up. Thank you all so much for listening. We've got some stuff to plug. Oh, first, we're going to do bonus cases over on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash N-A-D-D-P-O-D.

Don't sing yet. Don't sing you. We've got our live show, Radio City Music Hall in New York, April 10th. Still, a few tickets available. Head on over to nadpod.com slash live to get tickets to that. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to plug? I'll go ahead and plug the NADPOD DM screen.

Yes. Oh yeah. Shop now. Shop.nadpod.com. It is a labor of love, a work of beauty. Alan Morris designed the front. It is just a beautiful painting of the boobs and a nice bohumia panorama,

as it were. And Merv and I worked on the stuff on the inside and it's really fun. There's some cool homebrew in there. There's wrestling mechanics. There's dragon riding fight mechanics. Yeah. It's going to juice up your campaign.

I can say that for sure. Yeah. You're not going to need to fudge any roles with this bad boy. So go ahead and check that out, shop.netpod.com. Please do. And check out my substack. Substack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz. Sweet.

And you can follow us on social media that we may not use at CS first me at Caldez Caldol. Addie X-Exford's Emily and at Jake Hortezek-Hortez-Each. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NatPod. That's NADD-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are. We are, we are. The Youth of the Nation. Dungeon Dungeon.

Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dunjin, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon. Folks, the end of the show has arrived, as it must always do. And so, I am here to read out the names of our. fantastic Council of Elders. Let's get right to it. Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Later Mick Skater, Matt M. Cutter W. Jeff C. Daniel the Dastardly Dame. Carpeleum. Victor T. A.k.a. Balnor's boy. Hoyd's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster. T.J. M. Tray Leigh the Cray. Derohe. Now you have to say it.

Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald Re-R-R-R-R-R-Gat Stevie Wags Hellish Rbuquer, the N-B-D-M-P-H-D Jory S, Jack L, Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohumia Mike H, Alka Smelzer Plus,

Great Value, Gemma, Tyler F, Bald Byrne, Hercule Poirot Zil Abbotfoc Detective, Timi R, Jake's Jerk Jelly, hashtag ccccass skateboard cass stephen c's spellbook sits before you to turn to page 17 turn to page 41 to turn to page 33 turn to page 109 makes perfect sense to me nick w nico the underpaid english teacher although i did just get a bonus congrats nico william w big bad beardo the mad on nana rama

Percival Fredrikstein von Musil Klausklazowski-Darolo the 3rd. Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the cock. Impressive dongle. Bin A. Dave H. Not that, Nick. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce. Big Bad John.

D.P.C. is awesome. Shown, the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zeldar. Summer Rose, aka Grand Terre. Mark the Dark Lord. Taint. Cat C. Misa of House Inzunza. Ariel, the occasional mermaid. Selina N. A.k.a. Valaci Raptor. Be perky always. Be perky always. Pat L. Warren H. Serve 16. Annie, the Faywild therapist. Parogi Frenzy. Biocort 7. Bean Rat was innocent. Jack Hubert, king of the mole people under Iron Deep, dressed in blue, and fighting his way through a Brackett-style tournament Valen Paj the bitch

and bunny bard Druidic Payton Carlin C Omri M Noah the Gentleman Fister Hashtag Honor the Cock James G

Everything Bego The Eladron Who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripe Reverend Shatterbone Ha-da-da-da Han

Eric B Marcos PhD He, eventually, learns the balanced druid. Frida M. Maggie, Holly, the green laughing hyena. Grimwaller, executive chef of Bohumia. I think I've been to your restaurant. Bud heavy. Russell H.

Cody C. Lorelei the succubi and Kira the succulent snack. Cow go trucking, delivering bashful butts everywhere. Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and uncle, Andrew and Sid. Don't skip over Thanksgiving. John Adams loves it. James F. Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them? Turn to page 42. To keep them, turn to page, you guessed it. Sixty-nine. Oreo, Barpo Good Barbarian, Charlie Brown's best friend, Renee, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard and Jared the soap opera cleric who were playing the wedding march for Onyx. Ash, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Jay, Kegard, Fancy Matt. The fairies have returned to debauchery and must now go to the Carnal Corner.

Enjoy yourselves. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing barbarian, Lexi H, M.J. the BFG, Roger L. Nodrog, the pacifist barbarian. Brian L. and Eric B. insert training montage for 50K. Holy shit, that's a lot of Kay's. Januka! Leon Kumori, legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign. Shannanagan, O'Connor.

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Death to tyrants. Stormy 52. Mimah Skates. Megan N. Anthony B. Belnor's best friend, Steve. Stephanie of House In Zunza. Benjamin A.

Gimley the Corgi, Papa and Foster's K-9 friend. McKell A. Triple S-tier Cricwater Enjoyer. That's huff and right. Josh Hull, pilot of the Nightmareverse Flight. The two crew, blew through

Ethan the overworked mailman Maple the shy bookworm Nick AJ Ashosaurus Seth the Stroker Bearer of all hog-related burdens Billy Batson

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Kaylee, Katarina C. Misty, the Krispy Kitty, really hates flame skulls. Carly C. Squire to the fabled Sir Pawpaw Gump. K. Joe. Greg W. There's so many of us now. But hey, you're doing great and we love you. Baruch, Thunderhelm. Fifth Generation Minotar, working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide

Chupacabri Boney is dead The Waterworth Your four-legged Greg companion Nick Amy The Raging Ranger

Echo Ashmore Igis Kunari Ignition Class Petal Storm Not a DJ But we'll still take the gig DTDJ Dramamine

Chef Julie B Support Food Pantries Mama Mayhem Happy Hogletays to One and All. Jin's Rose, Kinda, Thomas C, Little Dark Lotus Creations, Kindra Miller, Joshua H, Jacob M, Louis H, AJD, Bin V, and Shinka Kitsune, or Skylar, the only male Kitsune in Bohumia. Woo!

That is all of our elders, folks. Thank you so, so much for your support. if you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash Nadpod. That's going to do it for us today, but we will be back here again next week with some fresh content for you to shove into your ears. Can't wait for you to hear it. Thanks for listening. We'll see you then. Bye-bye. That was a hate gum podcast.