Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Stolen Spells, Petulant Paladins, and Whacked Werehippos

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, along with Bailiff Jake, as they pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon. Welcome to Dungeon Court, everybody. Dun, Dun, Dun, Supreme Crit Justices Murphy, Axford, Tanner, and the lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly. Lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, la. Philip Lodgy, Perwit. Perfect amount of. of loyies, actually.

Yeah, nine perfect lowlies. Back to school. We got to get back to order here. Yeah, you're right. We need to reset, I think. Do I have nine TVs all at the same time playing the busy world of Richard Scary? Because that was nine perfect lollies.

Whoa. That joke was for no one. No. Is Lolley? Is Lollie the name of the worm? Yeah. We have a... I know that we have a, on our fridge, we have a magnet of...

That someone sent to us in the e-lbox. I believe that magnet is a picture of you as lowly worm. It's the wife worm, isn't it? Whoa, really? I didn't even know that was custom. That's awesome. Look closer, Murph. Wow.

I didn't recognize my own wife as lowly. Dude, you have to get that as a tattoo. Yeah, I guess I have to now. If you look at a big trough of worms, you couldn't even recognize your wife, man. Think about your life. Can you pick your wife out of a pile of worms? Could you pick her out of a freaking pile? If you were in a spirited away situation,

your wife got wormed because she was eating at a beautiful trough of food. It's not exactly the same thing. But could you pick her out? No. You got to go on another journey or adventure, man. All right. And with that, let's throw to Jake Hurwitz. Let's journey to Jake.

Let's journey to Jake indeed. Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. Crit is now in session. The Honorable Supreme Crit, Justice's, Axford, Murphy, and Tanner are presiding. And our first case comes from one Stephen P. Stephen writes, to the effervescent justice. and Juck. Don't screw it up, buddy.

Chuck. It's so hard to come up with the new insulting names, but Juck is really, it's like a Chuck and a Joust. Right? It's like when you're jousting, but you try and huck, you Lance. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's really wild to do that. You should be allowed to do that. Hold on, is this a joust or a Juck? I need to know ahead of time. It's a risky move. It's definitely a risky move. Because if you miss, I mean, it'd be hard to miss. Yeah, then you have no jousst, unfortunately.

I mean, there are rules because theoretically you could just hit their horse and really like fuck stuff off sorry to put that image in your head. That's really unpleasant. Yeah, really unpleasant. Let's get to Stephen P's question.

What were you saying? Let's get back to Stephen P. Okay, Stephen P is saying, one year the first ever campaign I was in did a special Halloween home brew one shot. Yes. My character was bitten by a hippo and turned into a wear hippo.

Great. And was not cured by the end. I asked if it was canon and the DM said yes. Wait, you said a Halloween one shot, and it's, I guess, part of their one-shot. People do, like, a one-shot with their character. Right, yeah, yeah. Okay, so, canon.

Anything that happens in this Halloween one-shot happens in your campaign. I guess that was, like, the true spooky reveal, though, is the whole thing was canon. It was all canon after all. So this person is a wear hippo. Awesome. And Stephen writes, I leaned into the bit hard. I started getting more wary of it. my party and was becoming more hostile. I wanted things to come to a head with some kind of

intervention. A few weeks later, the DM suddenly started the session by saying the moon was full and I turned into a rampaging hippo throughout town. My party knocked me out and I had to make death saves. I rolled a Nat 20 to revive with one HP. The DM made me transform again before I could be restrained. Then after I was knocked out again, a party member decided the safest thing to do was kill me. What? Just what like werewolf movie

is this person watching? Just like we have to put the dog down. We've got to euthanize this hippo. I took it very personally for a while. It was my first character after all and there were some arguments after the fact. Ultimately, I was making a character choice that didn't pay off how I wanted and I accept that.

This case is not against the player who killed me. It should be. Justice is, was it okay for the DM to bring the full moon on me at the start of a session. Let my character be fully killed and then expect me to sit there for the remainder of a six-hour session without anything to do. I wasn't worn so that I could maybe have a new character ready. I wasn't allowed to play the DMPC.

My death was moved on from after a few minutes. And then he started running them through some adventure he had already prepped while I was just kind of there. Oh, come on. Oh, my God. Let him play a peasant or something. So I'm like almost trying to get flashbacks to be like, Have we ever had someone talk about a problem player?

And then we're like, just turn him into a wear hippo and kill him off. Yeah. This does sound familiar. Was this a coup? Yeah. So at first I wasn't that mad at the DM because I was just like, yeah, they just had like a fun little encounter planned where they were going to like essentially find out about the hippo problem, restrain the hippo and try to get them under control. But that's not what happened. And so the player ends up getting killed.

I do, to a certain extent, a huge extent, blame the player that decided to put him down. That's a wild move. I still think that I still am really curious why the, I mean, it really depends on your world. But being aware, hippo sounds like a huge deviation for a lot of characters. So I am really confused why the DM was like, nah, it's canon now. Do you think that the DM just thought it was like kind of funny when he was like, Am I aware Hippo now? And they're like, yeah, sure, yeah, you are.

It was a joke. Yeah, like it was offhand. Like, yeah, you know what, it was, canon. Thanks for asking. It wasn't going to be. You know, it's hard to know the mind of a DM because as we've all DM before, we know that we are complex beings. Sure.

And also making a lot of, yeah. Well, I was going to say, and also making a lot of random split decisions that you're not thinking about. Oh, yes. Yeah. A lot of 50, 50 calls. Right. We are rushing to the toilet to vomit into it.

And we're not going to make it sometimes. A lot of shurs that come out as yes. Oh, I hadn't considered that. Yes. I think the fact that it was never established. It sounds like it wasn't established that it wasn't canon. So if you're going to do wacky stuff in a session and it carries over, that's kind of not the problem here.

And the player even leaned into being a wear hippo. So that kind of has nothing to do with anything. But that's them being a good player and a supportive person at the table. So I'm saying right off the bat, everything's fine up until they are killed and then have to sit through a six-hour session. Well, yes, that's rough. It's the whole table at that point. It's the DM and even the players that didn't say like, hey, don't kill the hip-

Who are the other players that are sitting there that is convinced by the one guy going, We need to put him down. Everyone else is just like, just imagining a situation where like moonshine gets taken over by like a fungal entity and Beverly's just like, we got to take her out. And Hartman just like, I agree. It sucks when it's dangerous. Do as you must jump. like if that happened that would be the rest of the scene that would be yeah i'm still in here yeah

i think if we did that that would be the same it would be like a weird it'd be a fucking 10 episode arc yeah it would be like the splitting of the party and then the ghost of moonshine haunts you that would not be something you fucking move on for i still think though the like six hours without getting the that player involved and they weren't allowed to take over a dmPC yeah that to me is like that's on the dm shoulder Minimum, you should be allowed to play your DM switch too while everyone else is playing. I think this is a major mistake on the DMs part too

because if you are a wear hippo, right, or any kind of lichenthrope and you know that obviously on the full moon, you're going to go nuts. You can, like, plan accordingly. Like, the moon does have, but a pattern. And that's, that's like my big umbrage here. I don't usually have umbrage, but I am going to bring a little bit of umbrage to the table.

Put on your umbrose and take some umbrage. the it's it's a special eclipse and I've got my umbrose on everyone get your glasses out does umbrough make glasses I thought it was shorts well you need the the umbrose but you also need the eclipse goggles yeah oh okay cool this joke isn't funny enough for us to extend it this long anyway I just think that like the moon having to track fucking moon cycles because of likeanthropy sucks and I don't think unless you're like a DM that really likes that and has like clocks and are like keeping your players in touch with that I think it just like bogs down campaigns and I don't think that it's like worth it. I think you should like at worst I think that like

best case you like roll a d4 and you say like okay the moon is like waxing waning full or empty and we play it from there and then we like check in on this every like session and we like roll it again to figure out what the moon is. I don't know. I just feel like having to keep track of that just like burdens everyone at the table. Maybe it's fun but I think that it's just too much. Isn't there a happy medium where you like okay like ask the DM if you want this to be a plot? point you have to say in three days the moon's going to be full right so you're not tracking or start

start the session at sunset instead of nighttime full moon yeah opens the sun is setting and you know it's a full moon springing a full moon on a lichenthrope is fucked up right you're all automatically doing PVP that they're not prepared for you're definitely aware of when the moon is going to be full if you're a like and

throw up I don't think that gets sprung yes yeah so you were you're not like shit I've been so busy I haven't looked at the fucking and it would be one bed so early. If I were that DM, right? I could see myself making that mistake where I'm like, okay, at the beginning of the session, I'm going to have a fun thing where you look up and oh shit, it's a full moon and part of it is dealing with the wear hippo. But then I think I am, when I see that my players are being fucking maniacs and trying to like kill the one person, I think I am

narrating them murdering an innocent person. I'm like being like, cool, you put your swords to your friend's quivering throat as he's gasping for breath. You can see humanity still and we're going to do that. Okay. This hippo still has Stephen's eyes. Yeah.

The hippo is wearing his dad's wristwatch. The paladins lose their powers. The clerics lose their powers. And then we're going to take an hour for this guy to come up with a new character because we're not moving on without them. I don't feel as angry as the players because I do think it's like they've got.

got him down once he got back up. I really just fully am like, this is kind of on the DM's shoulder. They wanted this to go how it went. So I think I just blame the DM. I blame everyone except for this player here, the person who submitted. Yeah, the player really did know wrong and actually was like kind of cool about it. Yeah, asked if it was canon. They leaned into it was like a slow build.

I'm going to be a wear hippo for you guys. Yeah. The very least you could do as the DM here is to be like, oh shit. I didn't think they were going to kill you. Let's get you set up with a new character while you're building this character. I'll narrate this next scene and I'll introduce you in the town that they get to.

And like maybe there's an hour difference where you're building your character and coming up with like a quick backstory. There's just a million things that you can do and the DM fucked all of them. You could also have like a herd of wear hippos that have been following this new wear hippo emerge from the bushes and save them.

And they like somberly carry off your hippo body into the brush, Likin vow to avenge you. Wow. It's called a bloat, a pod, a herd, a crash, or a thunder, but usually bloat is the term for A bloat of hippos. Yeah. That's awesome. That's kind of cool.

You would think the players would want a hippo on their side. They could control that lichenthropy. I know, but I think that this player was trying to play it earnestly, which the horror of lichenthropy is that you are unable to control yourself and you do things that you don't want to do, you know? So I think that, I think they were trying to truth. play lichenthropy. I really think that the DM just set them up. You got set up. Yeah. Everyone's yeah everyone did a bad job except for you. I think it's pretty safe to say we're gonna I'm down to

rule against literally everyone else at the table besides this player. I think killing their friend is nuts. Wow. I think the whole the whole table and it can be varying degrees of punishment sure you know DM is like 75% at fault but everybody else is maybe 20 and then 5% okay I'm personally just going for the DM though are we a hung jury? Is this what a hung jury is? Is this what a hung jury is? Is this what a Hung Jury is. You don't think there's anything wrong with the players putting down their friend after one encounter, where they already have them restrained and at one HP? We don't know what this untrustworthy DM was narrating.

Oh, you think that the DM was so. All of the, all of the verifiable plot points point towards the DM. So it could be, that's really interesting, Emily. All right. Well, because I believe the DM did say. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. can you guys leave this is my chance

she's finally gonna make her move fuck no you guys can't get double married it's not fair you're too powerful i guess he i have two ring fingers called love i can get double married i guess the DM could have been doing the opposite of what i was doing of like the guilt narration towards the players could have been like you can see there's no one home behind his eyes like they could have been doing that you're right okay yeah and the player could have been playing it if if they were like trying to be truthful to lichenthropy they could have been playing it yeah with no humanity behind their eyes i would say that

the dm should have like had a moment or they're like as you come back to you have a moment before you transform where you're allowed to give a final plea to your fellow players or something like that i just yeah the dm was being certainly harsh here so i think that this player gets is allowed to get doubled married can i ask those question do we have ring fingers on our toes um oh do we have ring toes i don't think so. I don't think they call that a ring toe.

They call it a big toe instead of a thumb. So it seems like they all have different. They all have different names. Yeah, I guess so. So what's the name

of the ring finger? The little piggy? The little piggy. The second. This little piggy. Went to market. So they're all little piggyes except for the big toe.

I think they're all this little piggy. Yeah. They're all just little piggyes. There are little piggyes with different activities. I got it. Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah. All right. On Wikipedia. It's probably something dactal. The first toe known as the halix. That's the big toe. Great toe. That's not a little piggy, so that's not real.

Wow, the halis. That's a cool nickname for me, by the way. Hallex? Yeah. Well, you wish you were the big toe. You little piggy. You wish you were the big toe, but you're a little piggy. You're the freaking little piggy that went to market.

All right, let's find out what the name for the little toe is because it might be cool. No, it's just baby toe, pinky toe. Oh, it is a pinkie. Okay, so that's where there's a pinky and a pinky. The fourth toe known as four toe or ring toe. Oh, ringtoe? It sounds like a disease. Well, you could have like a pinky toe and then a rinky toe.

A rinky toe. What about that? I like that. Okay, so we have to punish this DM. Maybe throw them into a bloat of hippos. But what if they just had to wear a really fancy diamond on each rinky toe? Whoa. How uncomfortable would that be to walk around?

Dangle your rinket toes over a bloat of hippos. You have to go to a hippo enclosure and dangle your. your rinky toes that's so dangerous and maybe put a really valuable diamond ring on your ring or they love like smashing like a melon like you ever see a hippo just like crush your freaking melon okay so maybe take the expensive diamond out of the ring socket and put in a little water melon seed hold a hold hold melon seeds between your rinky toes we got it and feed the hippos can i get the name of the other two yeah of course um well second toe is indexed to or point your To point or toe.

I'm always pointing with my points or toe. These are lazy names. I'm always pointing with my point in my point toes are freaking rehashes of fingers. I'm going to say it. I'm always demonstrating with my points or toe. All right. And what's the, what's the middle one? Maybe it.

You have to fucking. It could have been gym or something like that. Unfortunately, unfortunately, it's just middle toe. Okay. That's a bad phalanche. Okay. Okay. So it's going to be a hippo toe situation.

Yeah. So totered. Zach C writes Aloha to the judges of the Supreme Crit and barely Jake Aloha Not less than Jake Barely Jake

Barely Jake It's kind of cool Barely Hallex you mean You wish Read Man I want to go back in time And start a punk band named Hallix There is a band called Halifax

Go on Oh yeah they're good too I start my defense with a question How scared would you be If 24 horses ran past. Not scared at all. I'm the fucking bravest motherfucker out there.

Halix doesn't fear any. Haven't you ever seen flow? It means that a freaking waterfalls coming. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I mean, it's Lion King all over again. I hooked up a scenario where a group of highly trained assassins

masquerading as vagabonds were guarding the BB EG's base. My players sniffed out their disguise, but rather than fighting them, the barred cast conjure animals in an attempt to scare them away from the entrance. Cool. He at first tried summoning eight horses

and made them run past them. I ruled that horses wouldn't really scare a hardened group of assassins. You have eight of them? This is kind of the clown problem. Hold on, yeah. A hardened group of assassins, and the spell doesn't have any fear component. He became disgruntled at this ruling, and instead of switching tactics, doubled down, and upcasted the spell, summoning 24 horses.

Sounds like he tripled down. He didn't want them to engage in combat, so we just had them run around a bunch. Eventually, guards were called because of the horses, running amok, and the players ended up having the horses. Fight the guards while they fought the assassins. Judges, should I have let their scheme work? What should have been a short obstacle became a large session-consuming argument. The player is still salty months later, and I wonder if I should have just let it work.

This is so interesting because, like, really flow, the movie flow, does suggest that if you see 24 horses running, that you do need to worry about water levels. It was like deer in there. Oh, yeah. in it, right? Still, any running horde of animals is concerning it means they saw

something bad. They don't just, I mean, they do kind of just run for four of them. They don't really run in packs for fun. No,

but anytime you see animals moving like that, it's like either there's a flood coming or a lion is about to commit reticized. I guess they do run for fun packs, like a pack of wild horses. You can't see them just.

This is also D&D though. Yeah, true. Magic is real. You're right. A stampeding horse might not be. of concern to somebody who's like job is to guard a castle. Yeah.

Can I suggest though that like the animal kingdom is so magical that sometimes I want to ascribe its properties to D&D? Yeah. Because it is the closest thing we have to magic in this Monday. Thank you so much. There are ancient languages being spoken. Yeah. No, look, I would be scared if I saw one horse walking by me.

Yeah. Dude, horses are so fucking big. You forget. They really are. You fucking forget. I know they're big. I don't think you do. I do.

I think you're picturing a horse. and you're like, oh, yeah, like its head is at my shoulder. I think they probably wait. Murph, you're picturing a pony. I think I go. You're picturing a mini pony. I'm not picturing a hobbit horse, dude. Murf, when you're picturing this, do you have a coin in your fingers that you're

going to put into the horse to then ride on it? Yeah. To put it to it. Yeah, you're picturing your horse store. Oh, I was thinking about a hobby horse. Yeah, you're right. I was like, it's plastic. It sits in a grocery store.

I am not allowed to ride on it because I'm an adult. Oh, but you guys are talking about real horses. No, okay. So I do think, like, these players have to understand that the DM has a lot of, and the NPCs have a lot of the same information that the PCs have, which is that they live in a magical world where people cast spells. So if you're guarding something, the idea that just seeing, like, non-threatening animals run by could very easily be a magical trick, which it was.

I guess if you want to be totally above board, a lot of times, what I will do in these situations is I will literally roll in front of the board. I think I would flat out tell my players, hey, they know that spells are real and that there are druids, so they're not going to be fooled easily, but I'll let them do an insight check. And if they get a seven or higher, they're going to sniff this out for what it is. And then I roll it in front of the table. I think handling it that way is a lot better than just kind of having an argument about it or just like hand waving it and saying It doesn't work. I'd make the DC higher because by that logic, there's so much illusion magic that has

built into it. If you want to realize that this is an illusion, you have to roll like a 15 intelligence save, right? Right. Is it an illusion? I think that is a conjuration. This is a conjuration. So it's also real.

But they're like, I don't even, they were like guarding something though. Right. Yeah. Their job is to protect from anything attacking the castle, including horses. Not even a magical world. If I was a guard, get scared. guards get scared in front of a castle and I saw horses running I would still stay at my post these are assassins right so like they are trained to do a task I think what you have done is

you've just like you've sent 24 horses to their death and you're just going to have to like sit there and watch as your DM rolls initiative for all these assassins and all these horses and watches this battle play out you could do some kind of role that's like a courage save or something for like you know maybe a few of them flee but why would you flee if you were just guarding somewhere why would you wouldn't you wouldn't flee you might not permanently but you would probably knee-jerk run away and then be like, what have I done? That was just 24 horses.

I got to run back to my post. If you saw it. It's so weird, Murph. It's so weird. It's so weird, but you live in a magical world. Murph, these are full-sized horses. Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

Let's think about this in Jason Bourne analogies in Jason-born terms. In Jason Bourne, one of the things that he has to do for training is to learn how to drive a car really well. And I think he gets like a car driven at him. So you have to imagine that assassins in this world have undergone horse training

where horses are just being driven at them nonstop. As part of his training to learn how to drive, he gets chased by a car. As part of his training to become a spy. Let's put it in fantasy terms. Just imagine them. I mean, Jasonborn is a fantasy. Sure.

Yes. It's a male. He's our fantasy. He's specifically all of our fantasy. Specifically, I don't specifically care about Jason Born that much, so it's more of it. you guys think there's an active there's a password for each of us it will unlock our jasonborn

abilities we just haven't discovered it yet but just imagine imagine the the guards of like gondor like standing at the wall yeah and then a bunch of horses would be wargs i think they'd start no not even not wargs because those are like wolves those were those are actually dangerous yes true even if they were wolves even if 24 wolves came sniffing up to the wall and then left the guards wouldn't drop their bows and flee. They might get ready. They might, if anything, that would alert them. Or they might be like, oh, good.

Now we have a cavalry. Come, horses. This is good for us. I think you're giving the guards too much credit, and we actually need to go to a guard stat block because that's going to tell us, what is their courage? Well, these aren't guards, though. They're assassins.

They're assassins dressed as vagabond. The guards came out afterwards. Should we ask an actual assassin? I'm here. What do you need to know? Oh, wow. I forgot that you went to a sassan school. We're not talking about comedy assassins.

I forgot that your passcode has been. Oh, yeah, let me just try out a couple of passcodes real quick. Slither 17. Slither, 17, full moon, full moon. Red, red, underscore the truth. What do you need me to do? Yes, I got her. Shit.

Try mine. It starts with Hallex. Oh, fuck. Emily's choking out merge. Okay. So, because he's right. I think, I mean, look, it would be concerning. Especially if you were in the middle of a forest and fucking 30 horses ran by, there would be like,

where's the natural disaster? Yeah. There would, but if you're at a castle and horses just come sniffing around, I think you could have if you were at the complete top of your game, you could have been like, I'm going to roll something to, and if they roll really high, they're going to straight up know something is up. and if they roll really low, maybe they'll be concerned and a few of them will go poking out or they'll open up some gate or go investigate. They'll give you some kind of advantage, something like that, so that you could maybe sneak in.

But the idea that they would like get scared and run off is like, no right. I think also because the player insisted on not using them an aggressive way and just having them run, that you're right, like in order for them to be a problem for the guards to deal with, the horses would have had to go on the attack. Yeah, the player also did escalate this. Like, it was already an argument. And then the player's like, all right, fine, fuck you. It's 24 horses.

Yeah, they're trying to brute force it. When the DM already did the wink, wink, it's not going to work. And then this player, it just, the game is entirely in the DM's mind. So you can't just be like, fuck you. I know how this works. Like, the DM can do literally what are the scariest thing in the world. You're not going to fucking win that argument. If they weren't actually trying to say, fuck you,

if they were like, okay, let me see if 24 will work. It doesn't sound like it was good name. Yeah, the table-consuming argument. Yeah. The only version of this I can see where the player wins is they just spend all of their spell slots making horses and then they're super weak for the next confrontation. So the DM still wins regardless, but it just seems like it's not worth it. The fact that they're on, they're assassins and they're like on a mission and they're guarding

something just makes it so different than any other situation. Beyond that, I actually think that, I think that the horses needed to run at them and attack them in order for it to disturb the assassin. If they're just galloping across the plane, that's inspiring. Yeah. That's just a Lisa Frank notebook. They would be able to tell if it was inspiring and if the horses were running wild and free and proud.

I think they would be able to tell that. Yeah. With the perception check. That's true. You would have had to, like, also you, you should. shouldn't have done this. I'm also lying when I say this, but, like, you could have been, like, the horses have to roll a performance check

to seem as though they're running from a flood. See, right? Can you make them wet? I do kind of... Can you conjure them soaking? Emily, I do think that that's actually kind of a good definition. There needs to be a roll or something. I know it's not, like, in the book to say to do, like, a deception check for something

like that, but they should do a deception check. Like, just to use your magic modifier or whatever. You're like, your spell attack modifier and have them roll a deception check. The DM could have done something like that, but they don't have to do that. That's not rules as written. The player doubled down when they shouldn't have doubled down. Yeah.

You know, Jake was singing it a little bit. Dispatches the wild horses. I feel like these players could listen to dispatch. I think they're going to put on rings and the rings are going to have carrots tied to them on their toes. And they're going to dangle their toes with the horse enclosure. Oh, the horse, yeah. double it's going to have to double down by putting two of their toes in a ring with just a carrot erupting from it is absolutely foul and I hate it yeah yeah just a pointy wrinkly carrot

on a ring yeah yeah oh it erupting standing tall like a mountain oh I was picturing it like dangling from a string but you want it just like stand it's like there's like a little like pedestal someone's like a spike with a ring on it yeah oh wow you're wearing it like a Mike. Anyways, I think I'll sentence this person to invent this and never show it to me. Well, Emily's got, Emily's really onto a good idea here, which is like, there's only, as far as, like, ring-based food goes, we only have ring pops. Yeah. And I feel like savory ring pops could be a real hit. Oh, that's true. That's good. Cheese ring. It's like a baby bell, a baby bell piece of cheese on a ring. That's so we can do it with really hard parmesan so you can grate it over. Oh, that's good.

That's really good. So you have a pocket grater. Yeah. I feel like you got to be so careful to not. like grate your own knuckles you have to be so careful we'll call them parm charms parm charms parm charms dude i'm down to just stop recording right now and fully pivot this group no longer makes d and d we make parm charms just imagine like you're at a table at a fancy restaurant they're like sir would you like some parmesan's like no no i brought my own and then you pull out your like fucking maister chain with the parmesan wheel attach to it and you start grating that bad boy i just opened a new tab and deleted the podcast yeah you guys ready um yeah i mean like if anyone is still listening and not just uh searching out

parm charms themselves which is actually what you should be doing at this point um i will sentence this player to uh buy the entire first release of parm charms yeah you need to be you have to create that demand yeah yeah you have to find out park charms are sold out how low you can grade it before you start hitting you have to be a straighter tester yeah we need you on QA this is multi-level marketing except only for you you're the top and bottom of the pyramid yeah your R&D for parm chunks uh okay right so ordered and our next case comes from Maya to the ever honorable Jalif bake and his sweet sweet justices oh may it please the court after years of listening to actual play and secretly worshiping dice Christ I joined D&D club

at my high school. Wow. I was ecstatic. My DM, although very inexperienced, was always excited and mostly prepared for most sessions. I tried to bring the same energy. Aw. Unlike the other two players.

Tis. One a rogue and the other at paladin. Let's call them Huey and Dewey, respectively. Why does it feel like it's always a rogue and a paladin? So wait, okay. So, Jake, I'm going to need you to switch these around because Huey's kind of more of a paladin than a rogue, and Dewey's kind of more of a rogue.

I didn't know they had identities. She was kind of the leader and whatnot. So let's like... Dewey and Huey? Let's call them Dewey and Huey. Thank you so much. I guess, respectively still. Yeah, okay.

So just go ahead and do a finder replays on that and get that sort of help. Or we could even do. Let's call them Huey and Dewey irrespectively. And that actually... Yeah, that's great, great. It's a little harsh, but all that's awesome. All right. They were clearly friends outside of the group as they would text during sessions,

watch TikToks loudly and pestry DM into submitting to bits that railroaded the campaign. This is what we imagine happens at teenage d and they're just playing into it are teenagers becoming teenagers again oh my god um since i'm switching these hewy was consistently mentally absent from the campaign while dewey was unfortunately tuned in okay oh my issue comes on session date for your honors we were both paladins i don't know why either and i asked duie it's the start of a beautiful romance wait duie or huey jake Hughie, I'm doing the switch. I'm doing the live switch.

You have the start of a novel right there with that line, by the way. We were both paladins. I don't know why. I don't know why. And I asked Dewey who they worship. They said, wait, no, Dewey should be the rogue. Murph is going to be. Oh, wait, what?

I thought you switched it. I did. We were both paladins. Oh, so wait, me and the player were on the same side. Huey was already the paladin. I'm so sorry. I am fucking beautiful. Emily behavior at best.

Huey's a balladent, Dewey's the Roe. We're moving on. We're moving on. Okay. We were both balladens. I don't know why either. And I asked Huey who they worship.

They said the DM. I'm a slightly confrontational person. So I said that this wasn't possible. The argument escalated to Huey shouting at me, defending their stance. I prostrate before the court and ask, is the DM a reasonable answer? Was I too strict on the new players?

For the record, the DM agreed with me, Your Honors, and after that evening, I stopped attending the club. Whoa. Okay. Well, it does not like it got more dramatic than it needed to. I would say, if the DM was on board, then the idea of worshipping the DM is like worshiping a creator deity. Yes, but it does seem like Huey refused to put any flavor on this.

Yeah. Huey refused to absolutely put just like even a speck of salt or pepper onto this idea. Yeah. They served it up bland and cold. Yeah, it's so weird to be so, to. so aggressively not want to give an answer that you double down like this hard. Yeah, yeah. Again, they're leaning into the teen

behavior. Yeah. Yeah. Although, I don't know, if you're just joining a club and maybe you don't know people as well or something, it is a little bit of a move to really belabor a point that maybe isn't look, if Huey is constantly praying to the DM and is constantly making weird meta jokes and being annoying, then I could see how that could be bad. But if someone was just like, I insist on making this joke for my God or something like that, I would probably just be like, you can't really do that? Can you? Shouldn't there be like a Pantheon? And then once they said, no, that's what I'm doing. I think I would probably just go with it until they, until they forgot that they said it, which it seems like they would. Yeah. If I can think about myself in high school, if anyone so much as laughs in my general direction, I'm doubling down on that joke forever. But as soon as someone says, hey, that's not funny or we don't like that anymore, I'm shutting up for the next week.

I can't get into Huey's mindset here, so I'm getting that. I can't get between that feathery skull. Do you know, I think that maybe you were bringing in some of your frustrations from Huey and Dewey's general interaction so far. And this one moment maybe like didn't need to turn into this, but maybe everyone was just hot to trot because there was tension from them watching TikToks. Yeah, it had reached a boiling point, and this was the thing that said it all off. Yeah, this is like, there's a heat wave and everyone's kind of on edge. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, I still, yeah. I mean, if the DM says, no, you can't worship me as your God, then like, it's true. Yeah. That's true. That's also weird. That's also weird with people like not knowing each other super well. You also might just kind of be like, are you making fun of me? Yeah.

Could you imagine that sort of like teen insecurity of like you're the DM and someone's like, I fucking worship you, bro. I'd be like, shut up. You're being fake. You're being fake nice to me. I hate this. It's like a bully saying nice shirt.

Yeah, exactly. Oh my God. I got a compliment from someone who worked at an ice cream store the other day and it was a teen. And I spent the next like 20 minutes being like, I think they were secretly making fun of me because I was wearing a big sun hat. And they said, I like your hat and your dress. And I was like, I think you're making fun of me. me, but I politely said, thank you.

Well, it was confusing, because the dress was cool and the hat was not cool. Yeah, and Murph had made fun of the hat previous to this interaction. Yeah, the hat was worth making fun of because it was purely utility. It's like to just block the sun out of her face. You spilled a lot of ice cream on the dress, too. Yeah. It's like a black hat covered in cat hair. It wasn't covered in cat hair at the time.

Is it right now? Yes. But it wasn't at the time. Yeah. So, tough to tell. Okay, so I, but I still kind of think that since the DM said, no, they kind of needed to drop it. Yeah. You know, you can't really worship God that the DM.

Definitely against Hue here, certainly. I would suggest to the submitter, especially when you're, you know, when you're that age and you're playing with people like you don't know as well, it's probably okay to not like really try to lay down the rules of the game when you're just another player. Like, you can probably just roll your eyes and just be like, cool, let's do the session. And if they're insufferable during the session, I can decide to not play. But you don't have to like, you know. But you know what? You got to blow up a mountain to make a highway.

So there's a way forward here. Ah, yes. Highways. I love highways and I fucking hate mountains. Or now there's a beautiful, easily surpassable road to a brand new session and a brand new party for you. I mean, no matter what,

I feel like the victory is you did D&D. Yeah. You did it. And Dewey sound annoying. They sound like they suck. And that probably was like such a, that probably sucks to be like, I'm so excited to play and then play with people who weren't matching your energy. We're just making jokes.

But this is ultimately all, I think, good, like, learning experience. You're getting this in so early. You're in high school. You, like, bit the bullet. You joined this group and you enjoyed the DM and you didn't enjoy the players. So some positives and some negatives. And you get to take that into whatever D&D you do next. You should be aware that most of the cases we get,

from people 10 years older than you who have the same problem. So you're getting it out of the way quick. Yeah. Yeah. And I will say the point of contention being the like worshiping the DM, which I do, again,

I do think that's annoying. I think it's an even bigger point of contention that they're sitting there watching fucking TikToks and texting each other. That's the real annoying. That to me is way more annoying. Yeah. So yeah.

So yeah. We're going to need some employees for the Parm Charm pop up. Yeah. Oh, so Hughie and Dewey. More like unpaid interns because they're, yeah. school credit we can pay them in parm credit yeah right it's literally cheese you're here to make some cheese that's great okay some farm charms yeah cheese and credit summer job more credit than

cheese making farm charms for cheese okay uh cool see you at the height of summer when this all kicks off oh that's going to be a perfect time yeah everyone's going to be craving parmesan mid summer There's no AC in the building. It's cave-aged, so you're going to have to go down the set of steps. Well, and the stench is kind of the guerrilla marketing. Yeah. Ooh. Wow.

What do you smell like? I want to smell like that, too. We want our store to be stinkier. It's my palm charm. Oh, that. Oh, that odor? That's just my palm charm. Pulling it out of your pocket.

Never leave home without it. Great, great, great. I have one on my rinky toe. I almost forgot about Rinky Toes. I can't. All right. Hey, everybody. It's Emily here to talk to you about Squarespace.

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I think I was disbarred, to be fair. You were disbarred at the end of the show. Yeah, I bring you the case of the unobtainable spell components. This case comes from a Strade campaign where I am playing a nature domain cleric. I had prepped ceremony, which was approved by the DM, and I attempted to use it at the church when we were burgomaster. Strad's boilers abound. Wow. Okay. The DM, but not farther than I think. Don't listen. I think we did this part, though. I think we did this part. You know what's going to happen next though? We did the burgomaster. If they go to Argonvost, Holt, what's going to

happen? The DM told me the spell didn't work since all of our silver disappeared when we crossed into Barovia. After a back and forth, I asked to just switch out the spell for another since it wasn't usable, but they wouldn't let me. It wasn't that big of a deal, but I always felt a little slighted that the spell was approved and I wasn't allowed to use it. Was this fair play by the DM

or should I have been able to provide a proper burial for the Burger Master? Okay, I'm gonna, I know that Caldwell has been pretty intimate with Stroud really. Is there a thing that says there's no silver? I'm gonna have to double check. Yeah, I know it's incredibly dense. Yeah, you don't lose literally every single,

you lose like your, wait, do you, I mean, we lost our, gear. But that was more of a narrative thing. Yeah. Yeah, that was because you were like overleveled. Yeah. Do you in Strad like show up naked like the Terminator? I've read the beginning so many times. I do not remember this specific passage. There's a chance they're playing like a 3.5E version of Strad where that is brought up. That was another wild thing I found out when I was like researching Strad is like there's like multiple versions of this. But I do not remember this coming up. Okay. So let's go back to this person was a druid. Oh, nature cleric. Nature Cleric.

they're playing a nature of cleric. So this person's playing a cleric, they prepare their spells for the day. They're not really asking, like, can I know a different spell that I didn't know coming in? They're saying, instead of preparing this spell that you told me I could use, which now I find out that I can't use, can I, what is, what does burial get you for the ceremony spell? I'm trying to think what the heck this DM? There's a, so there's one of the things you can do is ceremony.

You pick from a bunch of different ceremonies that you want to do. one of them is funeral right which I presume is the one that they're doing you touch one corpse and for the next seven days the target can't become on dead by any means short of a wish spell oh so probably this DM wanted the burger master

to become a vampire wanted them to become undead in some capacity and maybe this stood in their way but ultimately if the DM told you I mean look there's a mea culpa route where they're just like yeah I'm so sorry I

I told you you could and I was wrong. And then at that point, you just let them stop. That's what I'm saying. That's why I don't trust the DM because I could, if there is a world where they're like, your silver specifically disappears because they don't want you to have any ways to fight werewolves and vampires. So Straud would control that. Yeah.

So that might make a lick of sense. If you do have plans for the Burger Master to come back as a vampire or something, I think that's fine. But I do think you would clear that with. the player ahead of time. When they say they have ceremony, you'd be like, cool, but you have no silver. And then, like you're saying, as soon as the player says, okay, if I can't cast that, can I cast something else? You say yes. Yeah. It's just so unfun for no reason. If you were planning on having the Burger Master come back as an undead, a vampire, a ghoul, something like that, and this cleric goes through the proper ceremonial right, like almost susses that out. You're like,

great, you had an impact on the world. Now they're not going to come back as undead. Yeah. Isn't that like the whole point? awarded, if anything. Yeah. Also, I've been researching, this is like totally a homebrew. I'm like almost 100% positive. Yeah. Because like there's a very limited supply of silver in Borovia for obvious reasons.

But like I don't think that unless you got mugged on your way in, I don't think you should be missing your silver. Yeah. It's also such a, wow, so they really went out of their way. I get it. I think they had just an idea of what they wanted to happen. It says 25 gold worth of silver, which is, it's just not that crazy. for, you know, decently leveled characters.

Yeah, I could see, like, the only thing I'm, like, a stickler about components for would be, like, a Revivify because that literally brings someone's back to life and it costs, like, it's, like, diamonds worth 5,000 gold. Yeah. You don't want people to just be able to do that.

And then stuff like Heroes Feast, which, like, really sets up your players to be super powerful. This is just, like, man, I don't know. Your player made a cool move. Let them do it. If you go through all of the, like, treasure available in the starting

town, I think you could come up with enough silver. Yes. To cast this spell. Like, literally, like, in the book it's just like, if you like overturn this chest, you'll find this amount of gold. Like, there's, there is treasure in straw. Sorry, I didn't give it alt to you. I'm going to start overturning chest.

I've got to break every vase. Onyx overturns the chest. Give you so much already. You took everything for Ms. Mark. Yeah, I think I think this is, I honestly just that this DM, I don't know if they're mad that you almost like figured out something they were planning or if in the moment they were a weird stickler for a rule that they made up. But either way,

they were wrong. They should have just let you. Yeah. If it was the first case and they have a plan for Burger Master to come back as a vampire, then they should have let you do a different spell. Or they should have just been like, wow, good call that you did that because as you cast this spell, you see that he was turning into a vampire. Empire. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So I think we're sentencing the DM. Certainly. Yeah. They're taking their toes to the zoo. You better believe it. We're putting palm charms on every single toe. I'm looking at you, pointer toe. Oh, my God.

And we're dipping you into the parm hippo range. They're going to have stinky rinkies from all the parm on them toes. Pardon my stinky rinkies. Oh, that's the slogan. That is the slogan for pardon my stinky rinkies. my stinking. They're to be worn on your feet. They are to be worn on me.

Ideally. With open-toed shoes. Yeah, because it's like less disruptive to your life if you overly grate your toe knuckles than your hand knuckles.

You know, you can hide that under a pair of crocs. You order some pasta at a restaurant, you put your foot above the table. Prime Charges is the crock is the greater.

The crock is the greater. It's got holes already. Oh my God. Okay. So steel croix. It's filled with instead of gibbet's palm charms. You pop off a palm charm, you grate it red on the chalk. And you can wear socks to protect your feet while you're grading.

Whoa, no, the crock is like a cheese grater itself. Yeah, that's what we're saying. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So like metal crocs. Yeah. Metal crocs, which honestly you're, I mean, that's awesome.

I want to see a metal. That is so painful. And it very kind of like medieval, I can see it. I can see that on like a coat of arms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's definitely less arch support, but that's fine because it's not about that.

It's about comforting your feet. It's about parm charms. It's about parm charm. Yeah. All right. So we've sentenced who? We've sentenced the DM who robbed this player of a spell. They didn't even let them replace it.

Yeah. They're going to have to get silvered greater crocs and palm charms. Maybe they're sort of the guinea pig for the parm charm metal crocs. They're on the street team. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You got to break them in.

Yeah, you break in the metal crocs. You got to ride the bus in these things. Okay. Take the fucking cross-down. Can I just say, I think we've ruled with all of our submitters so far. Really? Whoa. We're very agreeable.

Well, except for the people on the other side. Except to the people on the other side, of course. Yeah. But we're good friends. We're on your side. Hey. You say that. And now Jake is going to read one.

Yeah, the next one's going to be like, I'm a DM. Some of my guys tried to take silver to strad. And I said, fuck you, you're not allowed to have spells. Is that wrong? One of my players looks sad about that. Okay, our next case comes from Nate B. To the honored justices and the coolest, handsomest bailiff Jake. Wow, so you're right.

They are really friendly. Interesting. Interesting. I bring to you the case of the hungry player. I've been playing D&D with a group of friends over Discord for several years now. One of our friends in particular has a habit of missing or disappearing in the middle of our sessions to eat dinner. Once he DM for our group and halfway through the session said, roll initiative, muted himself and never came back. Wait, never came back.

Never, ever. Until next session, I assume. Eventually, eventually came back. Recently, said player failed to show up to a session and cited his absence was because he was, quote, eating ribs. when berated about his absence later his only defense was quote I was eating

motherfucking ribs judges is this a valid excuse to miss a weekly session with the boys our typical session is 7 to 9 p.m and I feel like there's plenty of time to eat before that

yes Jesus 7 to 9 this dude rocks but he's out of bound unfortunately this guy has so much swagger saying it's motherfucking ribs and why you didn't struck to something? To eat motherfucking ribs.

I think you'd be a cool character in a movie, but I'd be pissed at you in real life if that makes sense. Yeah. To just like bail on any responsibility and have such a low-key bad excuse. Sorry to pick my girl up from school. I was eating motherfucking ribs. Yeah. I like want to be this person, but I don't want to be with them.

Yeah. It's also like it's Discord. It's easy enough to mute your rib-munching sound. No, if I do understand them wanting to put spin. between the discord and the food because otherwise our thing could have been this person is always slurping ribs they forget to mute themselves

well this is unfortunately this is the rotisserie chicken problem from back in the day but they've heard the modification so they're leaving but the rotissory yeah the rotissory chicken person was eating at the table which I think is much less egregious than what this person is doing

I actually really am impressed that this person carves out such focus and single-mindedness for a meal. It's unfortunately king behavior. The rest of us are always, I'm never just eating. They're not car. The problem is that this dude is not carving out time for a meal, is having to do it.

He's taking it from other things. And then it's just fucking bailing on his friends. I mean, look, if you know you have something, like I have a hockey game tonight, right? So from seven, brag. Bragg. So from 730. So you're loading up your hockey bag to nine.

Right. I'm not going to eat. I'm not going to eat rib. We're stretching as we speak. I'm going to eat fucking before that. You know what I mean? Like, I have to just like change a time. I'm going to eat my enemies.

I would argue seven to nine, that's kind of, I mean, that's dinner time. That's prime rib time. But you can also eat at six. Well, I mean, yeah, that's not dinner time for my family. We eat at fucking 5.30 because I have small children. Yeah, I also eat it like 530 or 6. I love eating at 6. And I always have, this is not an aging thing.

but I would say that like you yeah you've definitely got time beforehand but also like if you just got off of work I'm playing the devil's rib the kit here just I have to you can eat in you can eat fucking in 10 minutes like I also I think if you're gonna do this the excuse just has to be a little bit better

you could be like I'm so sorry I was busy at work all day I didn't get to eat yeah I'm so sorry if you're literally in a discord game and you're like can we take like a bathroom slash dinner break I'm gonna freaking hork down some Ribs right. Yeah, I'll be back in 10. It's the callousness.

Do we think that his job is eating ribs? He could be a professional. Oh, he could be a cartoon pig mascot that eats the ribs on the sign. Yeah. Could be a good rib fluencer for Parm charms. Ooh. That's really true. This is our spokesman.

Great. Okay. I maybe am not the most experienced. Graded Parmesan on barbecue is not something I've encountered. Not yet. Not yet. Okay. Okay.

So we would be blazing a new path with us. Yeah, well, the beauty of parm charms is that they're good with every meal, including ribs. Heck, I don't brush my teeth without a little bit of parm charm on there. My toothbrush is a grater. My shoes and my toothbrush are graders. Everything is in service of the parm charm. Live, palm charm. Die choking on a parm charm.

A little parm old d'i norm. Yeah, so the biggest, the biggest thing here to me is like, A, it is no one's sprung this on you, right? Like, if you were, if you were roommates or something and this person came home from work and you're playing in person or something or you're playing on Zoom, Discord, whatever, and they're playing right after work, they get off at 5, you're playing at 5.30, and they have to eat something and they want to take like 10 or 15 minutes to eat, that's totally fine or just like reschedule it or whatever.

The fact that it's 7 to 9, presumably they have time beforehand to eat, or hey, sounds like you're some young, rowdy dudes like eat at fucking 915 like you can do that I mean if I had ribs in the fridge I couldn't wait that long I'll just say it oh come on

you couldn't have ribs for fourth meal give me a fucking break you're 25 years old you can't eat ribs at 930 he hit me with the fourth meal loop come on this guy if this guy ruled he'd eat fourth meal am I wrong

am I wrong can we have we also considered though that since if they are rib fluencer that like eating ribs is kind of like eight hours i think they are i think they are i was eating motherfucking ribs is an absolute risk they might it might be like a religious experience for them or like every time they eat a red they have to go good lull this is so succulent and they have to lick everyone their finger then if you're a freaking rib fluencer you should be doing it during the day doing work hours but also if you're a ribfluencer that kind of takes away sort of um some of my praise of

their behavior because they are in fact then eating and multitasking because they're um making cheese, not parm jarmed cheese, regular cheese, money cheese, and eating at the same time. So they're not, there's not that singular focus that I was admiring. As a character, this is very funny. When I hear the story secondhand, it's very funny. If I was just sitting in a discord waiting for someone to come back because they said they were going to go eat dinner real quick and then they just never returned, I would be so mad. This person sounds erratic and like you have to meet them where they are.

which is kind of annoying. I think just don't let the, definitely never let this person DM again. I'm rooting for this Rube Fluencer, but I do think they were wrong here. Maybe you guys just have to institute some sort of policy for when they leave, like almost, like when you're standing on fire in Hades

and you start losing hit points for every second that you stand there. Like, first off, definitely never let them DM again, but then maybe as a player when they disappear. Or they take chip damage? There is like every 10 minutes, they lose a hit point. permanently it has been so long do you guys remember if we ruled for or against the player that

would eat a full rotisserie chicken i think i i i think i ruled in favor of the fact that the um of the idea i think it's i mean i think it's the same situation where we're like yeah this player rules but we rule against them i think i think maybe i've lightened up because now especially hearing this ribs nonsense i'm like rotissory chicken person is an angel right at least they were present They're present And I believe one of their arguments Was that it fit the ambiance Yes

They're dramatic They're kind of right I think they've been redeemed Yeah it's like eating a turkey leg At medieval time Have the players gotten worse Or have we gotten stalking? They think the players have gotten worse

I think the players have gotten worse But I do think that we actually need to change our ruling Yeah Should we go back and revisit The Rotissory Chicken? Yeah we have to verify what we actually said

Yeah Maybe we were We were good. A cold chicken case. So there might be. People are very quick to point out when we're wrong and hypocrites. So feel free to point it out this time

because we might agree with you. Huh. Have we thought about using this person's influencer abilities for good and getting them to be the mascot for Parm Charms? They wouldn't even show up to work. They would just say they were eating. You can't trust them.

But we get to channel their passion. We cannot trust them. I agree with Jake that we, We have that we should sentence them to do a, um, hashtag spawn with us. Oh, okay. But it, by spawn, it's actually, we're not hanging for it. Right. But we can't get them to be Parma John who is going to be our mascot, which is a giant wheel

of cheese. Yeah. I think they're too, they're not reliable enough to be a mascot. We just need to have them put grated parmesan on barbecue ribs and then a test. You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Yeah. We're going to do, we're going to hop into your session while this person is gone eating

ribs. We're going to hire all of you to be the new Parmajohns, okay? Parmajons get to travel. They get a travel stipend. They don't get a paramedium. Why do they get to travel, Merv? Because we need Parmajohns in every state. You have to take the cross down bus. If we need them in every state, why don't we hire them in every state? Well, we are. They're on Discord. Presumably they live different places. Right. We have to. I don't know what you're not following here, Emily. Humey's a paladin. We need Parmajohns in every space. Vermitjohn's getting to travel.

I mean, we have to get them all in all the quadrants. You know, we've got to get Pacific Northwest. Okay, right. Northeast. Southwest. Let me spell it out for you, Emily Axford. The Mickey Mouse in Orlando is not the same one at Disneyland in Anaheim, okay? There's different Mickeys in different areas. There's different Donald's in different areas.

Yeah, so then they don't get to travel. The Mickey Mouse doesn't get to travel because they have. There's got to be a point. Come on. There's got to be a prime Mickey. There's got to be a prime Mickey. I'll take the tiny L. That's not a tiny L.

That's not a tiny L. You were brating her. She proved your point. She didn't. She didn't prove my point. Because let me clarify, okay. When you become the new Parmesan, when do you,

let me finish, okay? He's holding up a tiny one. I hate to say it. I'm holding up. I'm holding up. Tenie L, because I'll take the Tenne L. Put your point out. Why is Tenial can be corked to the side a little bit, and then another tiny L can be turned

backwards and corked to the side a little bit to make a big W as you're connected to sides. You would need four tiny ls to make a big W. You would not. You would just need, oh, you would need two capitalized L's to turn them to make a W. That's what I'm doing with my hands right now on an audio podcast. What I'm saying when you get to travel as being a Parmesan is that we need a Parmesan. in every state. Presumably, hey.

Hey, I'm talking here. Which is how Farmajohn talks. He has a New York accent. Of course. And he says, hey, I'm walking here with my heart in here. Hey, I'm great in here. That's good. I didn't say we couldn't punch it up.

Look, the reason I said that you get to travel as Parmajan is that you get to relocate because we will send you to the more popular markets first and then we'll expand. Right. I mean, it's smaller markets for the Parmajohn. I don't know what is hard to

understand here. Do you think that every Mickey Mouse was born in Anaheim? Parmesan is don't get to travel. They get to relocate. That's travel,

dude. I mean, that's fucking travel. One way travel. Do you think every Mickey Mouse retires in Anaheim? They don't.

I mean, Emily, he's, he's unraveled, guys. Yeah. I've never seen this happen. So we're going to hop into your Discord. This dude does not get to be Parma John.

No. The rest of the dudes are going to get, you know, we're going to fast track you to second round interviews for Parmajohns when we do the psychological questions. So are the Parmajons because one of my, one of my college jobs was to go to different, to drive across the Eastern seaboard and give out samples of tea at grocery stores. I'm saying it was not a fun job. It doesn't have to be fun. be effective.

So the Parmesan's get to relocate and do a tough job. And do a tough job. Well, it's not tough. It's fun. You get to travel. It's fun.

It's fun, but you need to be thick-skinned when everyone turns you down for a sample at the grocery store. Parmesan, are you thick-skinned? Yes, by nature. They have a rind. Yeah. We're going to relocate you to North Carolina.

You're going to get to go to South Carolina. Rines up, y'all. You're going to get to go to what else is over there, Virginia. Right. Rise and Rines. West Virginia as well. Maybe even West Virginia.

Yeah. We should clarify, not Hawaii, just not Hawaii, not Alaska. Because we can't drive there. You get reimbursed for gas, not flying. Yes. Yeah, if you drive there, we will reimburse you for gas. We're deep in the hole for the silver crocs. Yeah.

God damn, those costs a lot. And they've caused a lot of movies. Yeah. They're heavy. With that, we've got our new Parmajohns, not ribs guy. Parmesan gets to travel. Parmachians. Relocate.

Once. Once. They can go back when they're done. They get to travel more if they recruit more Parmesan's. I think that's it's simple as that. It's pronounced Parmesan. Parmesan. Well, every Parmesan is traveling up the corporate ladder.

Yeah. Thank you. As they sell more. And they're a battle of charms. It's a Parmimid scheme. Parmimid scheme. Oh my God. The problem with the pyramid is it's triangular, but the parmimid, that's just a circle.

It's a circle. Yeah. It's a circle. Yeah. Which means that you're suffering at the bottom. bottom and the top, and the people in the middle are actually doing really well. But what goes around comes around. So eventually you'll be doing really good and thus really bad.

Let's move on. All right. All right. Let's head into church for a confession. This one comes from Caleb. To the dearest judges and the darndest bailiff of the Supreme Crit, I have not a case, but a confession. In my first homebrew campaign as a DM, my friend Gabe played a human fighter.

named Mateo, who during an adventure attempted to save another party member from a bag of devouring. As Mateo attempted to save the other PC from the bag, I had him roll a deck save to try and escape the bag's grasp, which he succeeded. But my true crime was after he rolled

successfully, I realized he should have rolled a strength save instead. I had him re-roll, which he then failed. Ah! leading to both games, character and the other PC both dying in the bag. Oh my God. Since then, we've played many, many campaigns, and have many great adventures. But Gabe has often reminded me how much he liked Mateo and how brutal it was

for him to die in unceremonious death. I pray to Dice Christ that he may lead me in the right direction of actually reading item cards properly in the future. And I will accept any judgment or for wrongfully killing my PCs. You got, sometimes you just make little mistakes on the fly in the beginning and you learn from them. And you're a better DM for having learned from this. I would also say, I think your mistake here was not, not to come down hard on you because you are in church and you are just asking for forgiveness. Also, we're soft now. We're so soft now.

We love rotisserie chicken. Except for the rind. Yeah. But I do think your mistake wasn't not reading the, I mean, it was a little mistake to not read the thing. But as soon as you said, Dex Save, not that big of a difference. You could have just gone with that. Totally.

You don't want, the reason Mateo is like, my character was unceremoniously killed is because there was a meta moment of everyone celebrating. And then going like, oh, whoa, wait, actually, know that didn't happen this happens instead do a different role and you're instead of you know being in the moment and having it be this movie moment and instead becomes this litigation that is not super interesting so i encourage you in the future to if you make a little mistake like that you do a con save instead of a strength save or something like that i would be a rules lawyer maybe in favor of your players like if there's like oh you actually get to roll again because it is this

that will get people excited this is just going to deflate them but it sounds like you've learned your lesson here totally learned your lesson if anything there's a an interesting thread in here which is that Gabe wants to play Mateo again yeah is there an underworld mystery is there a resurrection story is there a way to bring this back because maybe Gabe isn't needling you to make you feel guilty maybe they're giving you like an opportunity go to the bag dimension that's a good call yeah it's where everything that's ever been lost is there's just like giant mint monsters there and like car keys that can just slice you in half whoa that sounds sick that has to be a movie Totally.

Probably. It should be. It sounds like... I definitely... Oh, money and shrink the kids. I can say, I can say I definitely wrote that as a sketch for college humor that never got made. Oh, okay.

I can say that. We could totally finance it ourselves after Parm Charms goes wild. Yeah. Parmchar is in service of a... Provided that the Parm Jones do their jobs. Yeah, coupons... Well, because we'll start parmedia. And then we'll, like, create a whole media branch of the Parma John Empire.

Yeah. Yeah, it becomes a lifestyle, which is actually kind of the only goal for any company now, it seems, from what I'm getting served. Well, we'll see you guys all at Parma Park, which is going to be opening in 2027. Yeah. Yeah, and no matter how rich we get, let's never let it change us. Everybody Rinky promise that they won't change. Get your Rinkies in. With Alex is our witness.

With that, we're going to go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. We'll be over in our Patreon, doing some bonus cases. Patreon.com slash an ad pod. that's anything like. We should. We'll D. Don't sing, don't sing.

So all you Parmajans can head on over there. In the meantime, does anyone have anything like to plug? I do, actually. We've got a Dimension 20 live show coming up in Vegas. Be on the lookout for that. We're playing Starstruck. Search Dimension 20 Live and get your tickets now. I would like to plug a personal accomplishment,

which is that my basil plant is still alive. Yes. And I've been eating fresh basil, and it's really cool. Oh, my God. It is cool. Just nibbling basil triumphantly. That is really cool. Bad ass.

You don't have to brush your teeth anymore. Your breath's so fresh. But I do just to get some palm charm. Exactly. Yeah. Just to get a little sprinkling. I would love to plug our PO box. We've got some wild and wacky stuff that has arrived there of late.

Someone's in as a huge box of TV show DVDs. Whoa. Literally like a foot long stack of loose DVDs. Wait, what is like an example of a show that's amazing? Oh, I think that they're sending it to you. Yes, no, they were sent to me all perfect for flipping. Oh, to flip. Yes.

We've got Friends, Gray's Anatomy, House, and more. Like any show from the early 2000s you can think of. It's all there ready for flipping. So thank you for that. Thanks for that. Let's see. Oh, Jordan W sent us some hand-drawn magic token cards, featuring our C3 characters.

Awesome. Very cute. Brock S sent us a S. A subalba action figure. Oh, yeah. I placed it in a prominent place. In a place of honor, yes. And Ginny and Justin from Maine just to bookend this sent me Caldwell's mother flipping disc,

a five-inch metal disc perfect for coin flips slash destroying tables. It's super thick. So thank you all for that nonsense. I appreciate it. Awesome. Hell yeah. Check out my substack. Substack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz.

Sweet. You can follow us on social media They may or not use At Sage First Me At Caldis at Caldwell At Axford's Emily And at Jake Coat's Jake And you can chat about the show online

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That was a hate gum podcast.