Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Wrongful Rezzing, Scared Barbarians and the Legend of the Lost D20 (w/ Zac Oyama!)

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

Dungeon Court is back in session! This week, Justices Murphy, Axford and Tanner, as well as Bailiff Jagmire, welcome back returning Justice Zac Oyama! Listen as we convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everyone, Caldwell here with my friends Jacob, Julia, and Nathan from the DROPY channel. Hello! We have some exciting news. We're making a video game. Whoa. It's called Dronsters, and it's a card-based party game where you draw your own monsters and then battle them to the death. It's so much fun, and we can't wait for y'all to play it. We just launched a Kickstarter to help finish it up, and we've got some sweet collectible rewards, including some special high tiers, where you help us create custom art that goes into the

game. We're also running a contest to decide what the Dronsters mascot would be, and if you support our campaign, you'll get a chance to vote for your favorite. So head to Kickstarter and search Dronsters to back the project now. That's D-R-A-W-N-S-T-E-R-S on Kickstarter. Hell yeah, that was some good spelling, Nathan. Love to spell. Love to spell. And we hope that this has to spell on you, that you will check out this game. Dronsters are Kickstarter. Again, thanks so so much for listening. And also, we're sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. This is a headgum podcast. Dungeon. Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon, Dungeon. Welcome to Dungeon Court, everybody. Dun, Dun, Dun, John. We're your Supreme Court justices, Murphy, Axford, Tanner and the lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly, lolly.

Bayless Jake Hurwit. Oh, there he is. Look at that little pony. Trot and the They're trotting around on the ground. He sounds like a talking horse. He sounds like Mr. I'm a mini horse. Yeah. He's a little, a little mini horse.

I'm a toy pony. I know I've told you guys like a million times, but we had a seeing eye pony at my school. Never once if you mentioned this. I haven't talked about this. I would remember. I could. I'm sure the audience is like,

Emily, not again. With the seeing eye pony. Perfect pony. We had, but we had, so we had like a teacher's aide who was visually impaired and she tried out like a seeing I pony with like little, um, little sneakers and everything.

Sneakers? Yes. Is this the inspiration for obsidian? God damn. You might be right. Holy shit. Well, anyways, the point was they had to get rid of it because everyone kept petting the pony.

Ah. They ended up having to swap it out for a dog. Oh. That makes sense. But then they didn't pet the dog. I mean, yeah. Yeah, the pony was just like forbidden pony and like, I have to pet this pony. Well, I think you want to pet the dog too, but like the dog is smaller.

I feel like something about the dog. pony where it's just at a height where like my hand can brush it. I guess you could like associate with a dog, you could be like, that dog has a job. That's a seeing eye dog. But when you just see a pony at your school. Yeah. They're wearing, can they wear little shoes and everything?

I just imagine the pony is a lot louder than a dog. He's wearing shoes. So he's actually, he has a quieting. The shoes are quiet wearing sneakers. He has horse sneakers. Yeah, we had a little bit. Yeah, we were diverted a little bit. I also think that the reason that the dog got pet less is that more people have access to

a dog. Yeah. So there's less of like a, this is my chance to touch a pony. We straight up could not get the kids to calm down about the horse. If I see a toy pony, I assume it's someone's birthday. That's just the way it is. In elementary school, everyone wants a pony. And then there's one at school.

You're fucked. Exactly. Okay, we got distracted by ponies. Sorry. Zach Oyama has joined out. Wait, did we not introduce him? We did not. I am so sorry.

It's fine. We had to talk about the toe boy. Wait, what kind of pony would you be? Just to get it out of the way. What kind of pony? of pony? What kind of pony would you wear a horse? Oh, I would be a little chunky pony. Cute.

I got in the feed. Oh, like a Clydesdale? Oh, a Clydesdale's not a lot. I mean, they're chunky in the feet. Aren't they huge? It's very large. They're chunky. I think he meant a little chunky guy.

I meant like toy. Why am I having such a hard time saying that? What is toy pony? Toy pony. Oh, I might be easy. Maybe like a miniature. Like a Shetland. It was a dog-sized pony.

I know what Zach's talking about, which is like a pony where which is like its belly is almost touching the ground. Yeah, yeah. This is, I mean, Clydesdale, I'm thinking, that's a horse.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a big ass guy. I was just imagining, like, because it's kind of hairy. You have lower hair. Yeah,

I want hairy feet like a Clyde. Oh, yeah. Clydesdales have like freaking hair bell bottoms on. Yeah. Oh. Yeah,

they're awesome. Pretty groovy. Yeah. Shag bell bottoms? Definitely shagged down. Holy shit. They're kind of the Austin powers of horses. Yeah.

All right. Jake, take it away. Why? Hear ye, hear ye. Crit is now in session. The Honorable Supreme Crit Justice's, Axford Murphy, Tanner,

and of course, Oyama presiding. And our first case comes from Bag of Chips, one, two, three. Whoa. Delicious bailiff, Cake Hurtwitz and Moist

Justices. Kate Hurwitz? Cake Hurtwitz, that's me. Oh, yeah. It's a joke because Jake said one year that he was going to get really

into cake. Oh, cake. What do you mean? And then he didn't. And he didn't. I haven't. I've tried a few cakes since that. Everyone has happened.

Yeah, we all have birthday cakes. We check in every once in a while and he's usually like, oh, I almost, I thought about eating one the other day. He has less cake than like an average person. I went to a wedding two weeks ago, but I missed the cake actually because I was dancing. So yeah. Most of the other people had cake.

I present the case of the ruined death scene. One of my players, Kieran, the monk, had his sensei that was about to be killed in battle. He went down and got three. Death Save Fails from being stabbed by his arch rival they were fighting. While he was dying, I did one roleplay moment to essentially pass down the torch from Sensei to student. We roleplayed the death for 10 minutes, making it super emotional. And we got so into the emotions that we both fell to the floor while he was holding me,

IRL, and his arms. We finished it and he died. But then the cleric cast raised dead immediately after it. And it was extremely awkward for the Sensei and student, ruining all of the emotional role play we just did. Justices. Should I have just said no? Should the cleric have not cast that spell in the first place or should I accept that

the sensei is back and sad that he has to live longer? Oh my God, that's funny. Yeah. I do feel like the cleric probably should have chimed in here. Just at least been like, hey, I could bring him back if you think that's what he wants or something like that. It could have been

more of a conversation. It is so funny to be crying. writhing on the ground holding each other and watch that for 10 minutes. And you're the cleric, you're just eating Doritos and you're like, one second, to get to that point during like D&D where you're just like playing on a Thursday night with your friends, in the back of your mind, you're thinking stuff like, I got to go to the grocery tomorrow. And you've pushed all of those normal thoughts out of your brain and you were living in this world. And that is so goddamn impressive.

And it's just, it is a real shame that it was instantly undone. Is it possible that it was a bit much as you were like, all like standing up and like actually acting it out and the cleric was just sitting there being like what the fuck am i supposed to do or is it possible the clerics sitting there being like waiting for the right moment yeah i mean yeah no and there was so much crying that they couldn't speak until it was over your friends are putting on stage play exactly right oh they're on the ground now i've got a third spell slot no okay i also think like you you probably want to be like clearer ahead of time of like what do we all feel about raised dad you know like yeah you know like if it's

you're in the DM and your person has that. I wouldn't be super surprised. There's also, yeah, Rays Dead is fifth level. There's Revivify and stuff. You have to have it in your back pocket. Like someone might just pass cure wounds on this guy. You got to check the cleric spell sheet every once in a while. Also, I

will say, I'm looking at Rays Dead right now. The spell closes all mortal wounds, but it doesn't restore missing body parts. If the creature's lacking body parts or organs integral for its survival, its head, for instance, the spell automatically fails. So it just be like, he got stabbed in the heart. It doesn't revive his heart.

Right. Whatever. Yeah. However the person died, you just had to be like, oh, that's not an option. He was wounded in such a way it destroyed in Oregon. You can say no. Bag of Chips 1, 2, 3 asks justices, should I have just said no? And I think the answer is yes.

Yeah. Although I think you got it. Yeah. It's tough because, like, that's what the cleric does. That's what the clerk is there to do. Also, you're in DM and there's a cleric sitting right there. As you're like getting up from your chair and moving aside all the snacks so that you can act out your jet scene.

Right. You have a moment where you're like, is there anything that could stop this? Just staring at the clerk biting their lip, crossing their legs. Licking their lips salaciously. I also think there's a way to say no without saying no where it's like you're like, oh, you reach the spirit. Yeah. At the crossroads between life and death.

And he actually tells you, I'm good. Yeah. Or rather not I'm good. Or he like, Paul Walker drives away. Yeah. Totally. You get that last scene with them. I'm okay now, but I have to go. He says, I have other things I need to do. Yeah, I'm racing with Jesus.

Yeah, yeah. If somebody could have saved Obi-One Canobi in that moment, I think he'd be just like, I'm a force ghost now. I'm good. Don't worry about me. He wouldn't be like, yes, I'm back. No, it'd have been so much better if he was like, oh, thank God. Oh, my God. I was so fucking scared. I was so. I didn't want to die. I was scared. I'd also say that like to play the devil's advocate for the cleric, like they probably were sitting there being like, fuck, if I don't do this, then there's going to be a D&D court case. That's like, oh, why didn't. Yeah. Why didn't they bring you? That's true.

What if, yeah, you maybe are worried that like, oh, shit, like in 30 minutes they're going to be like, wait, don't you have something that could have saved? No, I'm saving those diamonds. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. This cleric was put in a tough position because you're right. Because there is, I understand where you're coming from.

Totally. I just did this whole death scene and the cleric just undid it. But there's another world where the cleric's sitting there and it's just like, oh, everyone's really sad that this character's dying.

I can actually stop them from dying. Like just like holding like a revivify or raised dead spell card in their hand being like, holding it up to the scene of you guys writhing crying on the floor. Maybe two minutes into the crying. They tried to interrupt.

You guys were going for it so hard. But it was just a really weak like clearing of the throat. Never mind. Interesting thing that I have, okay. Master! They've changed the lighting in the room. They've put on a special song.

This cleric is just in an impossible spot. I'm not saying they handled it correctly because I think they could have read the room. But again, if you're reading the room, you could have also been like, my friend is really sad that their mentor died and I can stop that. Yeah. They could have read it that way. I don't think it's a crime to not read the room correctly. It's like unfortunate, but it's, but I couldn't fault this cleric for doing what they did.

I would have just let it pass and I would just been like this person is dead. Like that's just. For sure. Yeah. And that's your question. Like would I have been right to say no? Totally. You could have said no in like a variety of ways.

And it could have even still felt satisfying. Yeah. It'd be a little mean if you were like, unfortunately, you're too late. And the diamond turns to dust. dust in your hand. Your spell component turns to dust. Maybe your revival doesn't like totally negate all of the good emotional roleplay you had. Like you still got to say things between student and teacher.

Yeah. That's true. It doesn't make that stuff not happen. That was all good. I do think it makes sense to like if that's what happened to still have passed the torch and all of that stuff. Yeah. Rather than like.

Right. Like you're stronger than me now. I couldn't. I couldn't. Yeah. Because there's also there's something about Raised Dead where like you come back. but it takes you a while to fully recuperate. Yeah.

So you could just be like, oh, I'm kind of on the sidelines now. I'm going to go, like, train the next generation while you take up the mantle being the adventurer. Much like in Kung Fu Panda. Which also has a 10-minute death scene. Yeah, that they get undone. It's a classic Poe master Uguet scene.

Zach, back me up here. Yeah, absolutely. Dustin Hoffman, right? Here's your $50. Thank you. Thank you. I do think though as the DM you do have to be kind of prepared for cleric to be doing cleric stuff, right? Yeah.

Even though I think this is, you know, they ruined your hero's journey. But maybe this cleric straight up doesn't know what the hero's journey is and was just like, my friends are sad. I'm going to make them happy. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I think I'll lightly rule against you in that I do think you could have just said no. Like if this was that big of a problem for you, there's a million ways you could have been like this. Oregon was taken out.

He can't or he refuses. Like he is at peace now. Yeah, yeah. I think seeing the spirit and having them be like, I'm good. I think you literally could have just said he's at peace now. Yeah, I don't like ruling against you, but I can't rule against the clerk. So by default, this becomes your fault. Yeah.

It totally makes sense to be like flustered by the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're absolutely wrong. Yeah. I also think that like if you're feeling like there is. is awkwardness. Like Jake said, the things aren't undone. And you could literally have this teacher decide to be like, okay, well, that was too much. I need to retire. Yeah. Right. So you can like take them out of commission and have that torch passed and everything. I think so. It's

salvageable for sure. But you are going to get punished. Yeah. Yeah. Certainly. Though we do understand how jarring that must have been. You have to explain the plot of Kung Fu Panda. while pretending to be dying. Oh, a dramatic reading. At a restaurant. Yeah. Okay, out of jamba juice. At a jamba juice.

I think you don't even have to pretend to be dying. Just explaining the plot of Kungu Panda. Just a loud jambuze. How about next time you have to get over the sound of the blenders? Yeah. And you say, I don't have a long time. It takes Poe seriously. He eats a lot.

Dustin often plays the, the red panda. And so there's like the mask and then there's like a super old master turtle who dies. And then like the red panda steps aside so that poke and be like the new master's like So yeah, what Caldwell said? Just say that verbatian that conversation. And you know, over the sound of a blender. While your car is getting towed.

Yeah. And again, you need to be on the verge of tears. All right. Great. So ordered. And our next case comes from Jeremy to the pleasantly flavorful justices and the bailiff with good mouth feel. Okay. What?

I bring to you the case. We had to have talked about mouth feel on something. I'm sure, yeah. What's mouth feel? Like the way something tastes or the texture. I'm sure someone in your mouth phrased something while we were doing a taste test. When the molecular chains of the wine are extra long. The second I heard it, I was like, I bet this is a wine thing.

It's a callback for sure that I forgot. And either thank you or fuck you for it. Fuck you. He's a pony now. I bring to you the case of the bullied traveler through time and space. During character creation, I told my DM and fellow players I wanted to play a fighter from the distant past of our world who had somehow been time and dimension shifted to this fantasy world. A warrior from the Bronze Age. That was it. No special rules, accommodations, no prophesized chosen one or secret nobleman status.

Just what I thought was an interesting background. I think that's freaking awesome. The Bronze Age is really interesting to learn about. Yeah. And it obviously went great. Just kidding. My fellow players. didn't like this. Most of them angrily insisted that, quote, our world does not exist in this universe.

But the DM sided with me and I went ahead with the character. But things didn't end there. The other players regularly insist that my player would be terrified by things like monsters and spells to the point of demanding things like that I should have to make special wisdom saves to keep from panicking. That I shouldn't be willing to touch a magic item out of superstitious fears. It's the Bronze Age. What? I'm actually willing to roleplay some of this culture shock. stuff. My DM usually doesn't agree with the fellow players on how my character

would really react. So it just seems like I'm not being fully allowed to play my own character and this is a sort of revenge for bringing in a concept. It definitely is. Wow. It's irritating because I just know if I were to make some ridiculous half-aricocra, half Goliath, barred sorcerer, druid, no one

would care. In terms of rules and reactions from others, I haven't asked for anything special at all. I figure a human from a primitive age in our world should have a very open mind about things like magic. Right, yeah. You're a time traveler. They literally believed in it.

Yeah, the Bronze Age, they would have been blaming things on the gods all the time, right? I mean, in the Bronze Age, you would be like the sea peoples are coming. Right. Yeah. I should hasten to point out that these are otherwise decent and friendly people that I don't otherwise

mind spending time with. Judges, how can I politely but firmly establish that I am the one playing my character, not them? Can you imagine going home after a session of D&D and telling your wife, hey, yeah, my friend introduced a concept I didn't like. Yeah. It's so vague.

So I had to tell them how to do it, right? I guess I could, the way they're going about this is nuts. I guess you could be, and this would be more of a DM thing, right? If you're like, I don't know, say you're designing like a World of Warcraft world, like an Azaroth type world or something, and someone creates a character and they're like, I'm from Earth, from the past. Someone could be like, well, that doesn't really fit. That doesn't really make sense here.

But as soon as that's allowed, it wouldn't blow someone's mind. every time they saw an elf, like at a certain point. Like, their time traveling. Even if I, if I, like, next week, I wouldn't be surprised by Azaroth if today I was sent to Azar. You know what I mean? It becomes your reality fast. And that's what the World of Warcraft movie should have been.

Is Murph going to Aseroy? And me just thinking it's not a big deal, the whole movie. And that's what Merr's script is. The elves are old. Who fucking cares? These are griff and stuff. This must shock you to see. Oh, wow.

Yeah. like a fucking eagle horse in the sky. Behole, I'm so fucking shocked. I'll conjure a sheep from nothingness. Yeah. Oh, wow. Like fucking rain, you idiot. And just to ask, like, they can't just be from the, whatever the equivalent of a bronze age is.

And the fantasy world. Well, there's a time and dimension shifting. Okay. So I think they've, it's, what is that type of storytelling called when you get stuck in? Issaquai. So I guess this person's like, I'm Isakai into this world. And other people are bumping up against that, which also I think since they're is precedence for like Issaquai stuff.

It's actually not that weird. So I think I even take back my original like, I could see someone maybe a little bit being like it doesn't totally fit. It would be more jarring for the players if this character was like, okay, I'm going to keep on rolling to see if like this monster makes me panic. Because I've never seen anything like this on earth. They're not doing that.

The other players are. I could give like a tiny, tiny grain of sympathy for being like, man, I just want to escape this world. You know, like I can totally give a grain of sympathy. but that doesn't extend to like this really weird vengefulness. And also like, I just can't. I'm hearing this concept, I would be like, whoa, cool.

Monsters also have these mechanics built in. Like the idea of a dragon having frightful presence is because people are seeing it and are just like, I don't normally see this. I also think that the one of being like, you wouldn't touch a cursed object because you're superstitious. That one, I'm like, me, if I got Isikide somewhere. Right. And someone was like, this is a cursed object.

I would be like, this is impossible for me to not touch. I would think magic to be real my entire life. I'd be scared of spells. I'd want spells so bad. I'd want more than you, Frank. Yeah, exactly. They would be more to me. Right.

Yeah. I could see if you were like, okay, your first, if they for some reason, still honestly, really weird and huge red flags. But if just for consistency's sake, if you were like, you need to be really scared for a session. You could be like, okay, I guess that makes a little bit of sense.

Like, day one, you would be a little scared of fireballs. Day two, you want to cast fireball. Yeah, yeah, exactly. If I see a paladin with like a gleaming sword,

I'm like, oh, religion is real and I can have that. And you're just like, just give me that your sword, dude. Absolutely. I'm in. I'm not scared of it. I'm dropping a knee.

Yeah. I'm in. Okay. I'm smiting nonstop. Yeah. You should be more psyched. I really think that there is just like, we have to punish these other players.

Like, them having An issue with it was a little bit of a step too far, but also them being like, it's like vindictive is so weird. Yeah, an issue with it is fair. But like going to the DM and be like, hey, I don't think this works with the world. Then the DM says it does. Yeah, exactly.

Then you have to drop it there. It is even a little bit weird to have a problem with it enough to bring it up. I could see bristling a little bit at first and be like, oh, we're not really doing an Isakai thing. But then as soon as like the person really wants to do it, I do think you just have to kind of be like, okay. I'm going to get you too straight. I can't imagine going to the DM about anyone else's character. It's just such a- I can't even wrap my head around.

The Erika-O-Barrick-Cocra barred-stor-starting. Yeah. Like it just feels like you've already lost. Yeah. You wouldn't do that. Yeah. Okay. Right.

Because it really is, it's more about the player than the character, I think. You know, I bet Murf could play a grounded Eiracacacra Bard Goliath, you know? I don't think you'd break the game. It's true. I play it straight by the books. Oh my God. Can you give a simple?

You playing like the sternest, the sternest most... I will not fly. I'm too big. I'm too big and I'm too proud. Wow. It's so real. Murflock, we must get over this ledge. It's a short jump.

You can fly. Then we will jump. And if we make it, then the gods have decided that it is right. Oh, my God. He's so awesome. My power of flight is a gift from a curse God. They call me heavy feather Okay, so we are going to punish the players

It sounds like I have an idea for a punishment Oh yeah They should be sent to the bronze age Yes I love that And see if they panic at all Yeah, they're just scared all the time

And you're scared at bronze Probably Oh no bronze They might be if they're elves They might be afraid of iron or something If they're fairies They might be afraid of iron That's very true.

Has anyone done to reverse Issaica? That's very funny. Just like getting sent to like a normal bronze age and be like, my magic doesn't work here. Well, I was going to say we kind of did. Do you remember Murph forever ago? We did my elf girlfriend. Oh, yeah.

Which was kind of ascending like a fantasy elf into like a normal dude's life. Into New Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm sure someone did it way before us. I'm not saying we were the first. We were just one of them.

Yeah, I like sending them to the Bronze Age. Send them to bronze age. Cool. See you later. You guys have to invent irrigation. But you're also scared of irrigation. You're so scared of it. Yeah. Right, because it's bronze piping.

And the climate refugees known as the Sea Peoples are coming for you. They're fucking coming. And you have no magic. Their long ships are on the horizon. Yeah. Good freaking luck. So ordered. In our next case comes from Connor Kay. Connor writes, hello, esteemed justices of the court and little bailiff.

LBJ, thank you. That's a reference to Linda being Johnson. Lyndon being Johnson. Lyndon being Johnson. That's a when you say Lyndon being equal. All things being equal.

All things being equal. You say Lyndon being equal, of course, London being Johnson. It makes us much sense. Yeah. You can shorten it like, can I be Johnson right now? Absolutely. Yeah.

Lyndon being Johnson. I'm writing on behalf of a friend who is playing a minotaur barbarian in his long-running campaign. At the end of a session, the DM introduced that they would be fighting a dragon and left them on a cliffhanger, having everybody rolled to see if the dragon's frightful presence impacted the party. Only one member of the party failed their save, not the barbarian. The DM ended the session there and said they would pick up the fight next time.

My friend, the barbarian Minotaur, reminded the DM that he was unable to attend the next session. The DM smartly said, oh, we'll just switch it so that your Minotaur is the one affected by the fear and say that he ran out into the hallway. So we have a canon reason for why you you're not there. Great. That's fair. It all worked out. And without the barbarian,

they still beat the dragon handily in one session. The session after that, my buddy returned to the table. The DM narrated the barbarian coming out of hiding after the fight, and all of the players, both in and out of character,

started making fun of what a coward his mentor was for being scared by the dragon away. My friend is now trying to figure out how to handle the fact both in and out of character that he was forced into role-playing a coward when his barbarian is seen as your classic tough guy. Are my friend and his character being wrongfully rassed, or does he have no recourse except to yes and this into part of his character?

It's interesting because I could see us doing that. Yeah, you miss a class, you're going to get rassed. Yeah, but we would do it in a way that everyone was on board with. I think the problem is that it sounds like they're doing everything in and out of character. Yeah, yeah. But we would also razz out of character. But it's so weird to like hand wave something and change it. Like I'm just imagining a situation where I'm like,

Emily, Zach and Caldwell, roll a dexterity saving throw. Nat 20. Okay. You got a 20? Okay. Is that what you needed? It actually would be better if Caldwell got the Nat 20. Okay.

And then we make fun of Emily for not getting a net. It's just weird. You're doing like back flips to make fun of your friend for something that like didn't happen. Like they did you a solid. They did everybody a favor. And can we talk about the little rat? The little rat of the party who is the one who failed? and is now making one of the middle top.

Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. I'm not often in a scenario where you have to figure out what to do with someone who is out like out of town or whatever. And so it's like hard for me to judge that. Like in many ways it felt clean to me,

but I also. Oh, well, Zach, we have continued to do Hot Boy Summer without you. Yeah. Maver's just been pissing himself. Mavris has diarrhea. Yeah. He has diarrhea because he's scared.

You had the Cyclosplora. Yeah. He's doing diarrhea and jerking off. He has diarrhea because he's horny and scared. No, he's not. Yeah. He's not. He's either jacking off or he's, oh, he has diarrhea.

He's not doing off. Maver's jerked off with Tyler Lettuce. Yeah. Oh. No, he did it. I do, I think like, it's called lettuce wrapping. And it would be like us really going in on you for that. And you would just be like, I'm not there.

You can't do this. You can't do that. I do agree that that person is a rat if they're making fun. Yeah, and especially like, wow, that's the biggest defender of all. And also the DM for being like, oh, I've got this elegant solution. It's just like, you're fucking piss coward, you're pissing everywhere. It's also possible. Here's something that I would have your friend consider.

Are they being funny about being made fun of? Like, if your friend who's the Minotaur Barbarian comes back and then everyone's razzing them and they're having like kind of a funny reaction, you know, like when you make fun of Merv. And then, and he just makes you want to keep making fun. Exactly. So I think that like it could be ultimately like a charming flaw.

Yeah. Humans were creatures of feedback, you know, when you start getting that resonance with someone, where you're like, I'm making fun of them and they're getting all steamed about it. Yeah, but in a good natured way.

Yeah. In a good natured way. Exactly. It's friendly steam. Yeah. So I think that you need maybe your friend needs to start like not being so fun to make fun of. But it doesn't, there hasn't been anything cited that suggests the friend, the friend just seems

upset. Yeah. I think that it is the rat's job in the situation to be like, okay, guys, that's enough. Let's get back to the game. Yeah. And they didn't, they did not step up to the role. Or the rat needs to go so hard and it needs to be clear that the rat is the heel. Right, right.

You know what I mean? And just being like, I'm making fun of your character because I know my character. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But that doesn't appear to be the situation. It seems like your friends are just making fun of you because you passed a saving through. Teasing someone.

is funny to me, but they're not doing it right. They're not. They're sticking with it. Yeah. It's, I mean, like, if it was a scenario where you actually failed the save, yeah. And then everyone made fun of you for being scared and you like embraced it and you were like, oh, I thought it was so brave, but I'm so scared. And like actually used it in the story. I would really, I think there's a lot to like take from that. But yeah, just the fact that you actually pass the save and this is the result is such a bummer. Yeah. You like bailed out your DM too. Your DM's just like, oh, we'll have this like canon reason. And it's like as the DM,

if you were going to make it such a big thing that they ran away or whatever, you could have just been like while they're not at this actual session, uh, they're fighting one of the minions or something like that of the dragon. Oh yeah. You could have just hand waved this. I think that probably also one of the flaws is like having the DM be like, this is what happened while you're gone. Right. Because they kind of like narrated it in a slightly not cool way. And they should and maybe it would have been. And maybe it would have been solved by being like you were like you ran away and you were frightened what did you do right so then it could have like put it in their like hands to decide how their character wanted to deal with it rather than being like you ran away like a little piss baby I bet they just had fun with it when

they were out of town yeah oh yeah which almost brings me like should you have seen this coming I think oh should you never have been like no I don't want my player to be scared in the hallway like let's think of another reason. Yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around

not thinking this is funny. Like, I'm imagining like the group text just like lighting up after the session and be like, oh, I can't believe you pissed in the corner. I'm like,

what? What did I do? I would be eating this up. It seems, it's also like you give the gift of like, I'm going to give this awesome role I had to someone else

so that they're not going to be scared. But which is why they should be nice about it. I know. Yeah. No, but I feel like, so to me it's like the real sin here is it's not a tactful razzing.

They went too far with the RAS. Like, it should have been like, we're having our fun. We're laughing about it. Maybe we'll have some callbacks to this. But for the most part, it's done. It's time for, it's time for new adventures. That should be more meta. It should be like, imagine if we teased you for this.

Oh, you were so scared. Just kidding. We know you weren't. It should be I failed. I failed the role. So I'm going to make it clear that I'm projecting that you're the actual coward. Like, that should be what the joke is. What it should have been is that the Minotaur should have been sort of the like fear eater for everyone else.

where it's just like, I'll take all of the fear into myself. Even if it was just like a more mat, if it was less like, I'm so scared. And it was more just like, yeah, they're literally like petrified or something where they're like turned to stone briefly or they're like literally shocked into not being able to move. Like there were just a million ways to get around this. And this poor player was just like, yeah, I'll go with whatever you think is the best thing and everyone razzed them. This is a clear case of wrongful razzing as far as I'm concerned.

But like could the player try to reclaim the moment probably not? as soon as I'm saying. Could they try to reclaim the moment by being like, I didn't tell you guys why I ran away. The last time I went up against this, this tragic thing happened. That's awesome. So it's actually fucked up. They could.

Yeah. So serious and honorable. Yeah. So you're glad you made fun of me about that. I do agree that you should do that. But at the same time, it's like, how do you trust these people who like, they make fun of you because you took one of their bad roles? Yeah, no. You would be like, I lost my wife and child.

And they would be like, that's all. It's what it is. They trapped you. Wow. With this. Yeah. Can you imagine an edge lord being like, that's actually why you're not allowed to make fun of it? I know, I know. It felt doomed as I was saying.

Are you proud? All right. So, I mean, we should punish the players, the DM, but especially the person who failed this role. What if we make a hedge maze of raspberry bushes and we trap the rat? it. Okay. Oh. Oh. Yeah. So they'll be able to eat something so they won't starve. They're getting like in razzed essentially. Oh. Yeah. I see. I thought. I thought I thought that was obvious. I thought maybe it's your raspberry but she's just like climbed really high. They should have put it together with like raspberry flavored Kool-Aid. Yeah. Yeah. And what is going to drown you in the Kool-A

and he's filled his blood. And the Kool-Eid man never gets tired. Yeah. No. Never right. Doesn't need to sleep. Oh yeah. Doesn't need to rest. He's a construct. He's meat. He's meat. He's medium speed. Have I seen that in a cartoon somewhere once where the Kool-Aid man drowned somebody in a in a Kool-Aid fountain? Is that possible? I feel like a family guy joke or something. It seems like.

Okay. Well, all right. Family guy is Jake's Kung Fu Panda. Yeah. Do you know any more funny family guy moments, Jake? It's just so random. I love when Stewie calls Lois a woman. It's really good.

You're so good at remembering family guy, dude? Yeah. Family guy is, it's my shit. I'll show you my Peter Griffin tattoo. Whoa, it's huge, dude. I actually have a Quagmire quad tat. You don't have to show it to us. It's on your neck, man.

Yeah. So it says giggity, giggity on your lip. Wow. And your punishment is that you have to get that tattoo. Yeah. Gigggy-gigty on your inner lip. Black light. Okay.

What's the biggest? All right. What's the biggest quagmire tattoo you would get? None. None? None. No, no, all right, say that like, all right, what's the amount of money, I guess? Or like, say that you're getting, like, millions of dollars to get this tattoo.

How big would you go? Oh, okay. Four million dollars quagmire on my forehead. Whoa. Zach, I really think it would change your career in a way that you would need to. Quagmler, you could get banks. You could just get banks. Oh, if I just get banged down bangs right across.

Oh, yeah. I would take that tree. You could really work bangs, too. I had them when I was a little boy. And I, I feel like I. I could just revert. I used my mushroom cut to hide my horrendous acne on my forehead. Perfect.

Well, I'll just do that. Quagmire is sort of laying down like Bert Reynolds. Oh, that's really good. Yeah. Okay. The answer is free. I will get a quagmire on my finger where people used to get the mustache. And then you say giggity, giggyty, giggity.

Hold it up. I hold it up like a mustache. I say giggity, giggity, giggity. they're squinting at your finger is that what is that quagmire yeah because he's so small and mustache the ink bleeds so bad

he just looks like a blob you have something on your finger giggity giggity someone just kind of fucking up saying giggity giggity giggity giggity giggity

so wait you have a quaggmyer tattoo and you don't like them that much. That's not really. Who? No, it's a hypothetical. You've got to understand. Okay, so ordered. We're all getting quagmire tats.

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Wayfair, every style, every home. All right, that's it for me. Happy shopping, and may your bedside be blessed. Bye-bye. The next case comes from Team Louis to the illustrious judges, Murford and Son and the stacked bailiff jenga. I present the case of the counting DM. I was in a campaign with the DM who lived for pedantry.

If you said you pushed a door, he would say nothing would happen until you said you turned a knob. If you asked to look behind a painting, instead of saying you see nothing, he would say, you see a nail, a wall, a string. And you wouldn't see a sign in the room you were standing in unless you said, I look up. What do I see? I tell you all of that. You have to just, I'm going to say before any problem comes up, you have to.

have to stop playing with this person. This sounds like, this is already enough of a problem. I'm also like, yeah, this is, yeah, you've stated your problem. This is nuts. I would just do malicious compliance for the 15 minutes I played with this person where I'm like, I'm pumping

my legs, I am breathing as I walk into the room. I look at literally everything. The small twitch muscles in my calves are firing. I'm blinking so my eyes get some moisture. Don't catch me on I can just picture like the shit eating grin and like the internal monologue of

Moah ha ha as he says, okay, you push the door, nothing happened. Yeah. And you also drop dead because I think you forgot to breathe. Yeah. You just say you were doing that. It's giving eighth grade English teacher when you asked to go to the bathroom. I don't know. Can you?

Yeah. So sorry, why did they do that? Why did they do that to us? To teach proper grammar. Right. And really you should just shit yourself right there. That's right. I can and then shit yourself.

Yeah, that's malicious. Yeah, that's malicious compliance. And I did. Be like, you want to see and then shit yourself and show your teacher. So the- I have to change the carpet tiles in here. The issue was you weren't asking to go to the bathroom that you were asking. You're supposed to say, may I go to the bathroom?

As opposed to can I go to the bathroom? Why? What's the, I think it's like, can implies like, you're asking like, am I physically able to go to the bathroom? But I guess that is still kind of a correct. It's like I can't because I'll get in trouble. Like it is still language evolves. Yeah. Right.

Anyways. I don't know if anyone's. Yeah. Explain to your teacher as you shit yourself that language evolves. Yeah. Language is fluid, much like my shit. If you. Webster is constantly updating their dictionary. Could you imagine how much cred you would get?

If you said, can I go to the bathroom? And they said, I don't know. Can you? And you lifted your leg and I was like, you said, I don't know you tell me. You guys here. Looks like I can. But like in a cool way, defiantly. You have to go back to elementary school, Murph.

You have to Billy Madden. Mervis, an eighth grade, fourth grader. Not so far they say. I'm wearing gym shorts of the turds just rock it out. Okay, they continue. We were in the equivalent of a haunted house where every room had a horde of zombies, a mimic, a trap that would render you useless,

a sludge monster, and everything in between. We were in a bedroom and my character decided to go to the attached bathroom to see what was happening in there. I peeked my head in the toilet where I was pulled in by a giant squid covered in poop. He told me to shout for help.

So I did. My party members were having a bit of fun by not reacting immediately and saying things like, did you hear something before they came to my rescue? The entire time they were having a laugh before they came to my rescue, the DM was counting.

When they finally decided to help, he announced that he had counted for 49 seconds so therefore I was going to be crushed by this poop squid for eight straight turns because that's how long it took for my party to come to my aid. I was level three. And while I was being crushed, I thought of a last ditch effort where I would use a wand that would turn any liquid into blood that I had found in the house and pointed it at the squid knowing they're mostly made of water.

Judges, he narrated that some of the poop turned to blood as he squeezed the life out of my character and then ate me. Oh my God. Awesome. I pause for laughter, but you guys aren't cracking up at all. I think I'm just trying to picture this DM And it's hard not to picture like classic old school Fodora wearing person

Yeah He just steeples his fingers and says Tee-he-he at his every idea You can like And this is so mean-spirited to say But sometimes you can hear someone who is a DM And be like well that's how this person hangs out with people Yes

Yeah Yeah Oh, it's so brutal. So I ask you, was I wronged by my DM? Was the party in the wrong for waiting so long before coming to check on me? No. Or was I wrong for walking 15 feet away into the attached room in an attempt to explore? I await your judgment.

You have to get next to your quagmire tattoo, the phrase, do it in initiative. This is what Murph always says. Yeah, that's always true. Yeah, do it in initiative. It's also, yeah, just counting real world seconds while people are deciding something or whatever doesn't work because even if a whole round, to six seconds and it doesn't take you like people take time to explain their actions and everything so this just fundamentally is not how the game works also you're in a haunted house getting grabbed by a fucking poop squid like the DM has put poop squid out there people are

allowed to joke around yeah yeah yeah yes right what you yeah what the DM want everyone to take the poop squid so seriously that as soon as it was mentioned we have to fight this thing I don't I'm like not even getting the vibe that this person is just like a heart SDM, I think they're like patting themselves on the back. Yeah. Ha ha ha, I really got them one over. Epic squid. With my very funny

poop squid. That's in one of the Stephen King's books, there's like a big eel that comes out of your poop. What? It attacks people. They call them shit weasels in the book, I think. Wait, it comes out of like your own poop. Yeah, it's sort of like a parasitic thing and it grows

and you poop it out. And like that's kind of played straight, but you know, with sort of like a detached black humor to it. And like that's Master of Horror Stephen King. I don't think this DM is working on that level here with his poop squid. But also, I'm okay with poop squid, but don't then try to be like, ha ha, you all waited 49 seconds. Yeah, right. Joke Monster shouldn't kill you outright with nobody getting to attack it.

Like, that seems wild. It's one thing if you're like, bad guy has a knife to somebody's throat and is like, give me the jewels. And then everyone stands around for a minute joking around. and then the DM's like, all right, just kills your NPC friend. Yeah, yeah. Actually cuts his head off. That's a little different because they're like setting up the stakes and then you're choosing in character to be like goofballs. It's a fucking poop squid.

Yeah. People are like joking around like fucking relax. It also wasn't that long. 49 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Less than a minute of joking around about a poop squid.

And then also you came up with an idea for like how to escape this after your DM. already like fucked you and you're and then they like were just like some of the other stuff turns to blood but not the thing you wanted to and you die yeah and using something you found in the DM's like haunted house so you're engaging with the game in such a great way you're exploring a room you're playing with the monster you're role playing with your teammates and the DM is just like no nothing's going to happen except you're going to be killed by poop I think we got to take the keys away from this DM yeah yeah it's a person who's true Passion is punishing people.

Yeah. Or like being writer than other people. Being smarter than other people. This DM sounds like such a tough hang. Yeah. Such a tough hang. So what do we think is the solution here? Do we just like they start,

they kind of like a splitter group? Yeah, I think you and the, you and the rest of the group got to start a new game. Somebody's got to get a DM's guide. This DM as a player. No, no, no. DM, I think you stop being friends with them.

Yeah. Yeah, the group thread dies here. Yeah. Is that sort of smarter than everyone, energy. Is it ever fun in a person? I think it's only fun if you're like, nah, I'm just kidding. Like if you kind of, if it's, it is that sort of like eighth grade English thing or it's just like, you can still go to the bathroom. We're just having a little fun here. Yeah. Okay, okay. But I think like the fact that this person is like doubling down on it. Yeah. It's like, you know,

if they're having the giggle to themselves and then they're being like, I'm just kidding. Let's like, you guys can get in the room. Like if you do the hand wave afterwards, it's fine. But like this person is not giving an inch. Yeah. Okay. So I think I'm proposing maybe we have like a sort service where we, I think maybe we've talked about this before, but this sort of a witness relocation program for, yeah, for tables. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so we're going to move you and the rest of the crew to a different state. Yeah. Different city. Yeah. New identities, new characters. So let us know where you want to go. Like, we're open. Yeah. Your name's Gabe Lockley now. Gabe Lockley. And you're going to be starting a new life in Tucson. I was going to say St. Paul.

Okay. Either one. You can pick. Oh, either one. very cold or very very hot. They're very different. These are what we got right now. Unfortunately, this is what we got. It's got to be St. Paul. It's not going to be Minneapolis. Okay. We are working. They're super close. Yeah, we're working with the local Chamber of Commerce is to see where there are needs and the economies of these places. We aren't just going to be placing you based on that. All of the jobs are at data centers. I'm sorry. Yeah, so Tucson or St. Paul, you have to help build data centers. No, you, Murph, you get to help. You get to have a hand. You get to. You get to have a hand.

in history. Yeah. It is inevitable. It's a D&D player's relocation thing slash us hiring for AI data centers on the sly.

Yeah. Yeah. This court has been bought for big tech. All of the punishments now are you build our data centers. Does my computer count us a data center? What is a localized one?

Do I own a data center? A giant one. I do have a computer. Yeah, my computer gets real hot and makes a lot of noise. That's what I was wondering. It's for your stored data? I would say no. Okay, well, I was trying to be a baron.

All right, now I'm just baron of data center. They can work for Salesforce, okay? They can work for Salesforce. They don't have to build the data center. Thank you. Okay, this case comes from Jay Beaver to the false justices, Axpart, Durfee, and Wanner. Whoa.

Wanner. As well as the one true heir to the throne, Sir Bayliff, Jake. Whoa. You wrote this. Scrath. Scrath. This is your submission.

They do ultimately say J.K. Can you imagine? Okay. And I can. You're all right. You just made me. I bring to you the case of the missing D20. On a dark and stormy night,

a group of compatriots were playing D&D when suddenly the power went out. We were close to the end of a role play focused session, so we decided to finish up over candlelight and cell phone screens. On the final role of the session, the party's sorcerer hoped to persuade a dwarven king that his fellow PC was framed for the murder of an aristocrat. The die was cast and it bounced out of the woodbox and was heard hitting the floor and was fully completely lost in the darkness. Whoa.

We searched for the D20 for the better part of 10 minutes because our table has a historic rule that rolls that fall off the table do not count unless they are a Nat 1 or a Nat 20. Oh. That's fun. That is cool. But we eventually conceded that the die was long. to the gods of darkness and shadow, and the sorcerer re-rolled. The persuasion failed, and next session was primed for a combat encounter.

The following morning, I found the D-20 wedged, oh so perfectly in the grate of my floor vent. Nat 20 clearly showing. No. I already have a problem with it. Justices. I was ready for a fight scene, so I selfishly chose to keep this revelation to myself. Should I have informed my party of that fateful role and re-narrated the scene ending at the start of the next session? or was I within my right to choose violence?

I humbly await your insights. I think you have to wait until the end of the campaign. Like three years from now, you reveal that you found that. And you have to be so ashamed when you reveal it. Yeah. I also think the way they described it, and maybe this is just how they described it, and I'm seeing it differently,

it sounds like it's cocked. Oh. How could it not be? I think you can reasonably say this wouldn't count because it didn't just fall off the table. It fell into a grate. So it's not actually. And also you all decided at the table,

you all decided to stop looking. You all made the decision for the re-roll. So I think this was already, this was already decided. This kind of goes back to like the dying monk scene of just like, even if there are mechanics in place here for this, it's just like we have moved on.

Yeah, yeah. It is on to the next thing. You've taken your hand off the piece. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. Like also like I feel like, yeah, it's just not on.

your shoulders because you you did i i understand kind of being like oh my god but a nat 20 is sacred yeah but you guys looked for it i think so you know in movies and stuff when like somebody kill somebody accidentally and they have to like quickly bury the body sure that's i don't want that in my life but it does seem fun to have like a tiny shameful little secret just go bury that dice just go bury that dice i will say i i think if this was a dice christ confession i would be like you should probably tell your party um but i will say like like like, oh, this is interesting because they're the DM, right? So they're like, I want to just continue with my thing.

Yeah. I would say you should probably have brought it up with the party, right? But also have been like, hey, just so you guys know, I found this and take a picture of it or whatever and be like, but we had already like moved on or something. No, I think, I almost think you shouldn't tell them because there's no good to come from telling them. I think what you do? So you tell them at an opportune moment when they're like, hey, I never told you this, but that dice we rolled that we never could find, it was a Nat 20. I found it to you.

I think this is chaos. I think so. I think you're going to, yeah, I think either take this with you to your grave or tell people about it and be like, hey, just so everyone knows, we had already made that decision. I know we usually have a rule that it's at one or Nat 20, but we had moved on. It's a day later. We've never, there's no precedence for this. I'm setting precedents.

This dice was like, you know, we don't even know if I got. moved or something in the night. If you're gonna come clean, I think you then have to offer something like as a reward. Yeah, yeah. I think that you give that Natt Twin to them or like you give everyone inspiration

or something like that. Yeah, I think you have to do something like that. It is already too late, so do you just take it to your grave now? At the time, I think you did the wrong thing, but I think it's too late. Are you sure that that dice was on the grate

or was it under your floorboards? Because this is a tell-tale dice, my friend. This would be eating away at me. I think Murif has the right of it. Like, I would confess very quickly. if this happened. Yeah, I'd be like,

imagine if somebody died during that battle. That could have happened. But yeah, but it's kind of like now either you guys redo the whole thing, but if you're not going to redo the whole thing, then there's, but presumably they didn't play for that much longer. But even then it's like, I don't know, we've had lots of times where we're in the middle of combat where like, oh, we straight up skipped someone's turn. Yeah, yeah.

But we're like, too much stuff has happened. Right. We will just let them take a turn now. And it's just, that's just how the game is. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you just have to move. move on. So I would say you didn't have to hide this from anyone. You could have just been like,

look, I know we only played for another 10 minutes, but during that 10 minutes, we role played, this person coming out, these people got ready to fight, and you said this, you said that. You made it a dirty little secret. Yeah, it didn't have to be a dirty little secret. Not everything's going to work out perfectly, but I do think, I will say, playing by candlelight, that sounds so immersive. Yeah, and that's one. Yeah, yeah. Take it to your grave. Yeah. And now you have to date to your grave, but you didn't have to. Give the sorcerer a magical item and never explain why. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Okay. That's a good punishment. S subtle apologies. And then you do need to have this D20 like on a necklace around your person at your funeral. Yeah. So this is a little bit of a confusing one, right? Because I'm almost like I'm with you as far as I do think that the Nat 20 shouldn't count and you guys should just continue with what you had already done. You had already done. You had already decided to throw this out so other rules kind of don't apply here but I do think it's weird to find

the Nat 20 and not tell anyone so I do think maybe yeah I don't know I think I might rule against the DM here. I really I think I'm going to rule against you but like I am just going to sentence you to take it to your grave and give the magic item to the sorcerer and never tell them why in the in the future I think just be okay to just make a clean ruling yeah what's ice quagmark tattoo though. Oh yeah the Dean has to get a Fragmeier tattoo. Definitely got a whole left calf. Yeah. The quag calf. Or whatever your

non-dominant calf is. Yeah, not the quads. Not the catfeyers. Right. Yeah, exactly. But you do, you want them to be able to dance a little bit when you flex. What do you guys think? Does anyone rule? Which way do you guys rule? No, I mean, I can only go with my heart here and I feel like I would have told, I think it's right to tell.

Yeah. Just to get it out there. Even if you don't change the story, I think it's right. So like that I'm with you on this. Yeah. I think keeping it a secret is the only place where you went wrong. Like I don't think you had to pivot and make it into a fight. But it was as soon as you said, I can't tell anyone. There's your mistake.

Yeah. You don't want to be keeping secrets from your players. Zach, you think they should have flipped the dice to like a four and then taking a picture of that and said like, oh, check it out of found it. Didn't matter. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just lie more.

It didn't even matter at all. Turns out it didn't matter. So I guess we wasted 10 minutes. Then we could have been. you, idiot. Crawling around in the dark

for no reason. Just for cherished memory. Wasting candlelight. You guys owe me 50 cents for wax. Wax and Wick.

Venmo request. Venmoe Wax tax. Animal fat. 89 cents apiece. Please. Today. I'm going to the

lie store and I'm short. Hey guys. I got an invoice from Yankee candle and it's not printed. That idyllic night we spent playing by candlelight. Do they make a glow in the dark candle? They must.

Every candle is glow in the dark. Yeah. That's beautiful. Isn't it kind of? Like the wax is glowing in the dark. Ow, he slapped me. Oh, Carl's just holding him by his neck in the air. I would imagine whatever like chemicals are in like a glow stick would be so bad to burn.

And the wax is already like poisonous. Yeah. I've gotten cheap candles, yeah. Most candles give me a headache. Back in the day, I was such a sucker for just being at like CVS and being like Christmas candle. Hell yeah. And then I'd bring it home.

I mean, Emily would just have headaches. I feel like it smells awesome, though. They were like super unregulated for a bit though, huh? Yeah, I think they probably still are. Cinnamon cookie. Whoa, cinnamon cookie. Are you having double vision also? It just smells like the beach, but it just feels like you're eating plastic.

Yeah. I think I'm turning into the beach. Okay. So ordered. I guess we're sentencing you to keep this life forever and give your players a gift. And get like a really poisonous candle. Not like actual poison, just like a Christmas candle from a really cheap place. Yeah.

And Christmas oil spill. Yeah. Oh. It's just rain here covered in oil. So sad. I got you an Exxon apology candidate. Favorite smell. Oh, no.

Okay, let's step into church. This confession is from Cal and her cats. Cal writes, a confession for the deacons of dice. Y'all, my friend, is a sinner and needs forgiveness. He has an abhorrent way of tracking points. You know how you have, say, 80 HP, then you take 13 damage, so you mark that now you have 67 HP?

Well, he just lists the amount of damage he's taken until he feels like he's getting close to down. What? So he'll have 80 HP and the damage will be listed out to the side. 13, 6, 27, 7, 13, et cetera. Okay. And then he will add them all up at once to see where he's at. It is awful and he must see the air of his way.

Or I fear one day he will not realize when he's at zero all the love for myself and my group. Yeah. I think there's nothing before. Really? What? Just like kind of been like, it's right. I'll get to it. Never close.

Yeah. It's different though because we literally have. like a whole unit that's like that's true that will you're at this HP we literally have like people behind the scene telling that oh that's very much spoiled can we get that yeah we can't afford it I can do it for you guys yeah yeah thousand an episode yeah I see some people argue that it is like easier to track it by like just adding up the damage because like additions a little bit easier than subtraction yeah right but you do have to

like add it up like instantly right that's what it is if you're adding it as you go then you hit 80 and you say okay i'm dead right but if you're just listing it out yeah you can't just be like 15 27 13 i'm completely misunderstood i'm adding it up yeah yeah i think adding it up yeah i think this this person i think is straight up like i have 80 HP i've taken 15 17 28 and 15 damage and i'm just going to assume that's not 80 yet. And then I'll do the math after I get it for 17. They're like vibe damaging. Yes, exactly.

But I also think though, like I'm suspicious that they're kind of waiting for like a turn where they're like, it'd be kind of fun if I went down. Which I think that you're missing out on a lot of fun, which is just like, oh, fuck, I'm down. Yeah. Oh, fuck, I'm that one hit point. How good is that feeling? This is all good and fine until you fuck up your vibe big time. by dying in the middle of someone else's turn

when you decide to finally look at your HP. You know what I mean? Actually, I've been dead for it. Yeah, actually, ooh, I'm at negative 17 HP. Yeah. Can we watch? Giving a teary speech to their master and you're like, oh shit. The master actually died two turns ago.

He can't hear this. Just having a constellation of damage and then just deciding to add it up when you want. That's crazy. I can't get behind that. Yeah, you add it up at the end of your turn. It's fine if you're just like writing it all down and then you're like, I don't want to waste everyone's time doing all this math. Well, arguably you can't add it up at the end of your turn because you could go down if you hit someone or maybe you run by someone and then they can take a hit at you.

At the end of a flurry of attacks. Yeah. I do feel like so maybe there's some like math shame here because I certainly feel this because I'm bad at adding up subtracting. There's no shame getting a calculator. Get a cool calculator. Yeah. I think you, yeah. I think that's the answer.

Just give a really cool. Calculator. You know how there's like, I think Rolex makes a calculator. Yeah. Okay. I think the only way you can make things right with Dice Christ is to buy a Rolex calculator. Whoa. Yeah.

Yeah. You need a really nice calculator. You go to the Rolex store and you're like, excuse me, do you have any calculators? Get a Rolex T-I-83. Bring it in. You need a calculator that you rev up like a lawnmower. Whoa. Like a gas powered calculator.

I googled a Rolex calculator and everything's just calculating how much Rolexes are. I did the exact same thing. I want to know like the most name brand calculator. There's a calculator called the Sue President series, which costs around 1700. Okay. Sheadscrafted in Japan.

Okay. And it's a luxury office. Does it look sick? Yeah. Let's see. I went down, I went down a rabbit hole. I wanted to buy like a really nice pen for myself to celebrate something. And wow, they can get expensive.

And it is. It's specifically like Japan. I think they just have like a level of craftsmanship there that just elevates. Like the last calculator going on it. Yeah. The sweet president series looks fucking good. That's a buy it for life, my friend. It's thick.

It is stainless steel. It looks like a paperweight that just grass right on the piece. I had that. Can I just quickly say I looked at Caldwell's computer and he opened Google and typed a Lightning McQueen calculator. And then he saw up images and started nodded. You can't just do your own thing, Colwell. You can't just quietly Google car stuff

Just sort of nodding to himself I was waiting for the right moment Because there's some really good looking ones All right This one's got a full keyboard on it You could do some like some letter learning on this bad boy too All right okay so your friend Get a Lightning McQueen

Calculator or a $1,700 stainless steel calculator This is the only two options A sweet president or a Lightning McQueen All right so forgiven Thank you also for listening. We're going to be playing, when did things come out over on our page?

The game that is sweeping the nation. Kind of. I love it. The other, no, the game that is kind of sweeping the nation was spell check? Remember that game? Yeah, but I'm really sure that also this was kind of. Yes, both are sweeping the nation.

Kind of. You can check that out. This is taking the nation by rain. Yeah. You check that out at patreon.com slash an ad pod. That's N-A-D-D-O-D-D. Don't sing yet. Thank you to Zach for joining us.

Zach, do you have anything you'd like to plug? Oh, not really. I'm just here hanging. Happy to be here. Oh, that's all I got. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah. The plug is for hanging out with your friends.

Hang out with your friends. That's a good one. Happy to be here. Yeah. You can follow us on social media that we're made to use at stage first me at Caldez Caldwell, at Extra Demoli. At Jake Kerwitz is Jake.

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you can do so by going to patreon.com slash nadpod. That's going to do it for us today, but we'll be back here again next week. But until then, this is Caldwell, saying be well and farewell. Bye-bye. That was a hate gum podcast.