Not Another D&D Podcast - Ep. 38: Harvester Beast (The Frostwind Chapter)

Episode Date: November 1, 2018

The Band of Boobs attempt to save Joris the dwarphan before he's "inducted" into Akarot's order. Beverly calls on the holy power of stand-up comedy, Moonshine makes friends with a pouchy hell...-beast, and Hardwon is brutally stabbed in the ass. Support us at Patreon.com/Naddpod to get access to the after-show and a bunch of other Naddpod content!Music / Sound Effects Include:"Unknown Tome" by Emily Axford."The Purge" by Emily Axford."A Tempting Offer" by Emily Axford."Descending" by Emily Axford."Desecrated" by Emily Axford."Meemaw's Burden" by Emily Axford. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:01:20 with brush processing. Code P-A-W-P-A-W. Goodbye, Sweeties. Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another D&D podcast. Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. Oh, yeah. I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz. Hard one, sure, foot.
Starting point is 00:01:49 Emily Axford. Moon Shines Abin, Riker of Russ Gack. Oh. Ageless, rageless, and engaged. Taste less. Oh, nice. You broke them off. Yeah, no longer fiance.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Do not have any rage. It's left going into this them off. Yeah, no longer fiance, do not have any rages left, going into this fight cold. And called a little Tanner, Beverly Togold the fifth, slaying the devil's advocate. Ooh, interesting. Yeah. If you are, if you are,
Starting point is 00:02:18 this is our first ever episode from the NAD pod studio. Oh, the NAD hole, The NAD hole, aka. The NAD hole, aka the boy cave. Because Emily and I just got a house and we started to build a studio here. It's about half finished, but I'm thinking it, at first I was like,
Starting point is 00:02:38 oh, this is gonna look like a tavern. I'm gonna paint it to look kind of like Bilbo Baggins's house like a hoppet hole, but it just ended up looking like a childish version of a tavern. I'm gonna paint it to look kind of like Bilbo Baggins' house, like a hop at hole. But it just ended up looking like a childish version of a man cave. So it's the boy cave. It's the boy cave. Yeah, but that's because you haven't dispatched me
Starting point is 00:02:53 into the thrift stores to look for shit for this because I, me in a thrift store, yo. Letter loose, man. Let her. You're good. I'll, I'll, yeah, go for it. I'm, I'm coming. We gotta, man. Let her loose. You're all allowed. Yeah, go for it. I'm coming. You gotta send me on assignment though.
Starting point is 00:03:08 I'm kinda enjoying the Boy Kings Rumpus Room vibe. This is very, very much Boy Kings Rumpus Room. This is the place where he pops his zits. Oh! Fucking disgusting. You're looking, I know it's not, it's like you think it's half finished, but it feels like home already.
Starting point is 00:03:23 I'm loving it. Yeah, the yellow walls feel very warm. It's like you think it's half finished, but it feels like home already. I'm loving it. Yeah, the yellow walls feel very warm. It's like being pissed. And we got cascading waterfall, Christmas lights. Yeah, we got ambient lights. Crickness lights up. I think also it's nice that this room is like really our own, you know?
Starting point is 00:03:39 It's a D&D room. This is a room that is for the express, like podcasting business. That is it. It doesn't have the energy and vibe of all those other podcasts that we're using, Headgum. No, don't you dare try and record high in mighty in this room. Wouldn't work. Gavris is knocking. He's not. He needs to do a power hour right now. He just punched
Starting point is 00:04:11 the hole in our wall. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but I planned the whole session today in this room and I felt like Rob Stark in the fucking war tent. Yeah, bitch. And I was naked and covered in a bare skin rug, just like his wife. How am I supposed to play D&D, but with you looking like that? We just watched that scene. Emily, did you come up behind him and massage your shoulders and say, come to bed, dear? Yeah. I just fucking lay on my side with that fucking hot ass hourglass.
Starting point is 00:04:48 Yeah. The lower back dimples. Yeah. What do you mean the Venus dimples? Yeah, Amir's trying to get me to marry like some other head gum royal tea to unite the podcast world, but you know, I'm sticking with Emily. And when next time we have a meeting,
Starting point is 00:05:03 that's like, we're, I'm gonna be killed. I bet the head come out of her, three party. Emily arrives with child. The party comes in seven, three times. We're podcasting for three. Leave the cats at home. I beg of you. They fucking kill me and then put my cats head on me. Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:05:24 Parade me around the head come studio. That'd be pretty funny Just as just as cold well showing up to record Hey, sorry, I'm like I scaldals the black fish. She's pissing outside He just gets killed off screen later, but you think you might come back and do something cool I'm texting like 10 minutes out. Can't wait to record Anyone need food. Oh my goodness. Okay guys. We't wait to record. Okay. Anyone need food? Oh my goodness. Okay guys, we're here to play D&D.
Starting point is 00:05:49 So let's do a recap of last week. So last week you guys snuck down into the crypts below the chapel in Frostwind Cemetery. You were led down there by Ruskack, the de facto leader of the Dwarfen gang. Mm. After... It came up personal punch and bag. There you go. there by Ruskack, the de facto leader of the Dwarfen gang. After he pushed moonshine, you guys entered combat with him, but quickly realized that he was just a punk who talked a big game.
Starting point is 00:06:17 Under intimidation, Ruskack revealed that he'd never actually talked to the boss, but only his acolytes and has never been down to the lower levels himself, only Joris has done that. So he sent him off, then went down to the second level, where Eilis acolytes of Akarat's order were wandering about. One of them caught Beverly and brought him to see the boss himself. Akarat attempted to recruit Bev and told him that his paladin powers could be used to channel the power of the 9 hells. Bev refused, but Akarat offered him a coin and said to call him should he ever need help. Akarat also revealed some of his own powers, that he has the ability to see through the eyes of his followers and in some cases control their entire bodies such was
Starting point is 00:07:06 the case with his current form. Bev and Akarat were then joined by Hardwan and Munchain and Akarat demanded that Ulfgar be returned to him. Additionally, he offered information on Gemma's murder, provided one of you joined him. You refused all of Akarat's offers, but as a show of good faith, he allowed Hardwan to take a crack at the man who threw the knife and presumably killed Jemma. Unfortunately, when Hardwan pulled back the hair of the dwarf, it was revealed to be another one of Akarats' hollow bodies. What? What? Hello, buddy.
Starting point is 00:07:40 No, you remember. And he stabbed hard one. A fight ensued and you defeated Akarats too, hollow body forms. You then found a note in his office that made it seem like whoever was following Jemma was also following the missing pale prince. You then heard a shriek and ran down the hall through some double doors where Joris was about to be inducted into the order. You saw about a dozen acolytes in robes surrounding a disgusting beast with big, empty eye sockets and huge heavy bags under its eyes, drooping and crying puddles of black tears, approaching an unconscious, joris, changed to the floor, and that's where we are now.
Starting point is 00:08:22 So you guys are in this cave-like room. There are candles everywhere. There are about 12 acolytes chanting. At the doors behind you, to the sides are the two guards that were guarding Acarot's room. They're wearing blackened leather armor with daggers at their sides, and the rest of the guys are just in robes.
Starting point is 00:08:40 And Joris is about to get fucked up by this hunched back saggy skinned crying monster with big old empty eye sockets It's spine Juts out like sticks in a tent under its baggy skin It has spiked hands that it uses to hobble on like big canes and you guys are wearing robes So provided that you guys are kind of hunched over you're kind of blending in right now and everybody's a little distracted. What do you do? Uh, under my breath, I whisper the words to turn the faithless using my amulet and I cast it on the beast.
Starting point is 00:09:16 Okay, so what does he roll? Uh, it's a wisdom saving throw. Okay. I am so sorry, but he rolled a natural 17, which means pretty good. Definitely pass. Okay, I am so sorry, but he rolled a natural 17 which means pretty good. Definitely pass He has no eyes right just sockets. He's crying. He's got eyes You see he takes a spike-tanned dips it into the black goo that it's been crying and jams it in one of George's eyes Jesus I throw my Jail Adam, okay, I'm just rushing him. Yeah, go ahead and roll initiative. All right
Starting point is 00:09:44 Jadal Adam, okay, I'm just rushing him. Yeah, go ahead and roll initiative. All right 21 7 12 wait did he get that in his eye? Yeah, oh shit My boy lost an eye your boy lost an eye Hey, nothing wrong with an eye patch a little character Bev goes to turn the faithless on this dude He resists he roars the shrieking cry on this dude, he resists, he roars the shrieking cry. Oh, shit! Ah! Ah!
Starting point is 00:10:07 Ah! And like fucking Dalsim from Street Fighter, he's got this like Harpoon hand that he scoops this black gunk and shoves a spike right into Joris's eye. Hard one that is you. Yeah, you're not going to turn him with a fucking prayer, but out of the way, I'm gonna throw my spear at him. Uh, go for it. Oh, you're out lighting up. Yeah, my jam. Your lighting job will go for it. I crit.
Starting point is 00:10:32 Oh, yes! Oh, dude! Yes, crit with the lighting job, man. Wait, is that the first attack of the studio is a crit? Oh, beautiful. I appreciate it. Oh, the Laura's Master baiting in the corner. Jesus.
Starting point is 00:10:51 That's a creepiest image. Hello, Nadpa tattoo. That's a fucking bloom house shit. Emily, don't say that out loud. So when you throw the lightning javelin, it forms a line five feet wide that extends from you and Everybody needs to make a dexterity saving throw Wow
Starting point is 00:11:11 They take 46 lightning damage on a failed save and half as much on a successful one And cuz you crit so it does javelin damage, which is 1d6 plus 4d6 of lightning damage Yeah, you fucking crit you're gonna do 10 D6 damage with it. Oh, wow. I'm on a whole fucking line of people. Yeah, so I'm gonna say that these guys are kind of circled up. So I'll say there are 12 guys,
Starting point is 00:11:33 so you're gonna have line on like three of them plus the main sad dude. Oh, I'm sure. I'm just gonna start from the EUDD6's, my dude. Yeah, get this man some D6sixes. Yeah, I have five The acolytes do not save and these guys are not so you guys when you guys last time you guys fought the eyeless They were like these paladin guys that had chainmail and stuff these guys are just in robes So these guys are different. Yeah, oh, yeah
Starting point is 00:11:58 Oh, it's easier to hit and the fucking sad guy rolls a one so everybody fails And the fucking sad guy rolls a one so everybody fails your job to be even sadder Come count them up 32 damage But that's before the javelin. What do I roll for the javelin the javelin? It's just one D6 plus your strength modifier, but then isn't it too cuz you crit yes two D6 is cuz you crit So you see this monster shoves a spike into Joris's eye So you see this monster shoves a spike into Joris' eye. Joris was unconscious, Joris wakes up and starts screaming. You throw your javelin, explosion of lightning, as it goes through all these aculites,
Starting point is 00:12:35 toasts, three of them, just gone. And then sinks itself into the chest of this beast. Oh, why did you do that? Sinks itself into the chest of this beast Don't fuck with anybody from the doorfinage bitch Six more javelin damage to that guy. Oh plus my strength modifier. Ooh 14 Jesus he's crying now you hit this dude right in the chest. You see he gets shot That is his turn He is going to he turns his attention from Joris who who is on the ground spasming,
Starting point is 00:13:31 trying to grab at his missing eye that now is just this blackened smoke mark. It almost looks like there's ash in his eye. He's trying to grab at it, but he's chained down. Don't touch it, bud. Don't pick at it. It's so bad that I do that like this. You're only gonna make it worse. He shoots a harpoon extendo arm at you, hard one. Oh, you got one too. And he misses big time. You duck out of the way.
Starting point is 00:13:54 I roll out of the way. You of course, you roll out of the way. Like a little turtle though. A little bit unnecessary of a barrel roll. It's more like a sideways summer salt. So it's like when you jump up for a frisbee that wasn't that high. That is.
Starting point is 00:14:09 You rip your pants. Munchines turn. All right. So Munchines, you've got nine acolytes that have now, now everyone has turned their attention to you guys, because they were all just kind of watching this go down and chanting for this beast to do its job. But now they've all turned to you now that lightning has blown up many of their friends.
Starting point is 00:14:29 Okay, George's eye. Does it look like that something like that? I could almost cauterize or something like that if I went over there. His one eye looks like one of the eyeless's eyes. Like the smoky-ass-y eye. Right, it looks like something this fucked up. I'm wondering, can I just do anything to make that whatever transformation is happening stop?
Starting point is 00:14:52 You see that he looks traumatized and he's screaming. So he has not been inducted fully yet, but he lost an eye. So you just need to kind of kill this guy or grab him and run. Do you want me to, I might be equipped to handle that. Okay, well it sounds like maybe it's not something that is like spreading to his other eye.
Starting point is 00:15:14 Yeah, right, it's more like they have to remove both of his eyes before they do the thing. All or nothing. First off, I just wanna say y'all, I pity this eye monster. He's crying black tears like Maribel did I think that there's like a nice little shopkeeper under there please There might be but we let's put him out of it. I own the hot dog car I knew it don't. I was born in hell. Oh, okay. I'm a failure. I
Starting point is 00:15:48 did you but did you sell hot dogs? I'm just a harvester. I need to harvest their eyes with my tears. So the eyes are like I'm a failed hollow body. Sounds like a blue color job. I'm a failure. Oh, you're not. So do you have hot dogs or not? I know I lied about the freaking hot dogs. Blue Shiny doesn't have any hot dogs. Kill him. Well, in just in case he might, do I have a clear shot
Starting point is 00:16:17 that I can run up and attack him? Yeah, you can just start like 15 or 20, please. All right, yeah, I'm going straight for him. But I'm attacking not to kill kill just want to put that out there He is a full on hell monster You slashed into that team Yeah, you yeah, but this guy sounds like a small business owner and I can appreciate that We might be able to turn him into a dolphin
Starting point is 00:16:46 13 13 does not hit I'm sorry. At the end of the day, we might be able to turn him into a dolphin. It would be an awesome idea. Go ahead and take your crack at him. 13. 13 does not hit. All right, well, I'm still going to spore some for 12. OK. Why did you do that? Because I'm trying to save you. I don't want to be saved. That is the guys at the door.
Starting point is 00:17:04 These guys with like blackened leather armor. They are going to run up behind hard one. Do they want to be saved? These guys are full eyeless zombie dudes. I do not want to be saved. I love serving dark masters. Okay. You can all live long lives of dolphins if you come with us.
Starting point is 00:17:24 Yes, stick around. I got polyi Morse for all y'all. Shout out to the two crew, first two of the new studio. Yes. Yes, some nerd fucking. The studio. The studio! Oh my god, we came up with it. I don't know, I like the studio.
Starting point is 00:17:40 And I think Nathole's pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is pretty good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good.
Starting point is 00:17:49 Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good.
Starting point is 00:17:57 Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Nathole is very good. Itch there. Just enough to activate your boss right? What would you do? What is this?
Starting point is 00:18:05 That's right, little to the left. The other guy tries to stab you in the ass. He definitely hits. All right, I was distracted. So he does 14 damage to you, hard one. Just a big chunky stab of the ass, right in the meat, right in the meat of the ass, and Bev, that's your turn. Honestly, probably one of the most. Right in the meat. Right in the meat of the ass. And Bev, that's your turn.
Starting point is 00:18:26 Honestly, you're probably one of the most comfortable places to get stabbed. That's true. Unless you've got a really muscular one, then you're going to be tearing a lot of valuable muscle. Which you do. I do want to actually have a real fat ass. Oh shit.
Starting point is 00:18:36 Of course I have a badonka donk. Moonshine sees this and having a similar badonka donk herself feels like sympathy pains. Oh, I appreciate that. Beverly, I know you feel that. I know you feel it in your stringy muscle. Ooh! That's the sound I made when the guy scratched my ass.
Starting point is 00:18:55 Yeah. Anyway, Beverly Togold, the flattest ass in Bohumia, approaches the hardest. I believe it. Just ass like a coaster. No meat on this tush. And I'm going to use my last divine smite. Oh nice. Uh, does an 18-hit.
Starting point is 00:19:16 18-sure hits. All right. It's got a hit. First test of big naked guy, man. A maiming for the nakedest part. Oh, my bags of skin. Yeah, you, you stabbed him. It's a very, very droopy eyelids
Starting point is 00:19:32 and just black ooze comes out. Going for the bags. Oh, my bags, man. Go, yeah. All right, that's 14 and then is this a, I imagine this super fiend. All right, so I can see this a I imagine this super fiend. Yeah, all right, so I get to do super fiend super fiend Super fiendish. Alright, so I get to do 3d8. Yeah, it's 14 and then remember everyone don't hit to kill Keep me alive. I'm from hell. This is the only way to Acrook and funny a black widow in your house and Emily's like don't kill it don't kill it
Starting point is 00:20:08 It's not 26 damage Jesus dude. Yeah, he looks super hurt. I'm so hurt. I Can't tell if you're actually sad or if it's just the tears coming out. I'm pretty good sad Well, the tears like change colors if you're actually sad and very confused. I'm sad All right, so that is the acolytes turn you see they are Speaking in tongues they lift their hands up to all nine of them cast cure wounds You're was that my ship bitch. I jump in the way of one of them Yeah, I have cured the Oscar guy doing on my butt.
Starting point is 00:20:45 The guy who's pushed that into the butt. I want to mine a cure on my butt too. Nothing even happened to it. I'm at full health, but you don't turn down a cure on the ass when he comes your way. Well, then that's cure your ass. They cure him for a bunch of HP. Not that much though. They're not great as can be told by them getting roasted by a javelin passing them by.
Starting point is 00:21:16 That is back up to hard one. Oh wait, I only took one attack. May I have another please? Yes, go ahead and take your attack. Okay. Oh, shout out to the two crew. Oh, fuck, I never activated my sword. If you didn't activate your sword, okay.
Starting point is 00:21:33 Oh, well, can I activate it as a bonus action this time? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so you activated it as a bonus action. I picture you activating your sword, being like someone sharpening their knife, you know? Like when you see like a chef who's like really good at sharpening his knife and it looks like you think that, but what I do is I kiss the entire length of the blood. Just blood all over your lips.
Starting point is 00:21:57 So sharp, just go to the pet. That is hard one stern. I'd like to turn around on the guys stabbing me in the ass and swing my axe on the one that did not stab my ass, but itched my ass. Okay. I just didn't see it. I'm just hanging out. I'm just here to eat your ass. You shouldn't have touched my ass.
Starting point is 00:22:18 It inspired the other guy. I did it for the gargler. Do you see his eyes turned red? That gargler can see you now. Does it 15 hit him? It does, I make it. Oh, they go. They go.
Starting point is 00:22:31 You itch the ass, you get the axe. You shouldn't have touched my brother. Express. Express. Express. Express. That's the name of this episode, right, my sister. Express, yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:43 That's everyone unsubscribe. 16 damage. He's so unsubscribe. 16 damage. He's so hurt, but still alive. I'm gonna take a second swing at him. Okay. 20. That hits. That hits.
Starting point is 00:22:56 Wow, 18. He's gone, finish him. Cool, I take the, he was a sword that went into my ass. It was, yeah, it was like, it was a dagger. Cool, I take the, he was a sword that went into my ass. It was, yeah, it was like, it was a dagger. Cool. I take the dagger, I pick a little bangleberry off my butt, and then I just have it to the Christmas. Oh, this bad. Sure does. You had the dingo berry just ready to go? I've had this since later on, brother. That was Sliders, and took a beating coming at you. We took a bath at your house, and that was the last time.
Starting point is 00:23:25 True, your diet has been very varied since we started this. So you go, you stick that dingo berry through this guy's face, and it hits the guy next to him, because we got cleave rules. It's been a long time since you've got, you guys have fought stupid winters. And you do eight damage to the guy next to him. Wow. Oh, you did eight damage to me. That is the bad boy. The big sad guy.
Starting point is 00:23:49 I'm so sad. Bad boy, the sad boy. He's going to, he's, his big harpoon, Delsim armed is like deflated next to hard one, and he pulls it back and he's gonna shoot it out again. It's all flaccid. It's so flaccid. That is only a 15 to hit. He fucking misses again. Wow. Yeah. I rolled out of the way again.
Starting point is 00:24:11 Oh wait. So I was wrong. He does roll with advantage on attacks. I forgot to do that when people are near him. So hard one, he does hit you. Okay. My roll was for not. Hard one, surefoot.
Starting point is 00:24:24 The rolly-poly. I'll let that catch on. Hard one. He hits you for 25. This hope whoon arm shoots out and the spike stabs into you and you are grappled. You need to use an action to get out of it. And Bev and moonshine, you guys are up in the mix with him. He cries these big oozy tears out of his big gaping eye sockets, and you guys are gonna take some damage as these tears. I just wanna be clear that I take the damage because I'm sympathetically scooping up his tears. I appreciate it.
Starting point is 00:25:01 Thank you, man. These are like so poor as nukin' crap. I will kiss yourusselpah. He's from your cheek. Are these projectile tears? No, because you're up in the mix, right? You attacked him. Yeah, you're right next to him.
Starting point is 00:25:11 He's gushing. Oh, he's just gushing. Yeah, he's gushing. It's just like being at six flags under the misting machine. Yes, so you guys are essentially on the bridge by a log flute. And you guys take nine damage each. We're in the splash zone. Nine damage.
Starting point is 00:25:24 Nine damage each. That's a moons zone. Nine damage? Nine damage each. That's a good chance turn. All right. I don't tell him this. I'm sorry, I cried on here. I keep on my sympathetic tone, but now I want to kill him. OK. But I'm still acting like I'm going to show him mercy.
Starting point is 00:25:37 I'm glad I have at least one friend here. Yeah, yeah. Thanks. I'm on your side. Thank you. This is a 22 hit. It's super does. All right.
Starting point is 00:25:47 Why are you swinging that sword up before friends? Because you're gonna be a lot, you're gonna be a lot happier when you're unconscious. Why are the sword, why is your sword on fire? All right, he's gonna take a 21? Jesus, nice. Rosalene, first time ever getting to use your fire gem. No, I've used it.
Starting point is 00:26:08 I used it. I worked up on my stack. Second time ever using it on a healthy, that's good. First time you've got a teen, 21. And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna cry some fucking spores at him. You said too. Your story's move me so much For 12 more to like flicking the sleep out of your eyes Yeah, yeah, like I got I crusties that are actually just poisonous spores after respect it so 32 bitch
Starting point is 00:26:39 Okay, he is very hurt That is the guy who successfully stabbed your ass hard one. Oh, shit. His turn. He's going to You turn around. He's gonna try to stab you. Oh, he's going for the other cheek Shit, he sucks ass when he doesn't have sneak attack. He just he takes a wild swing at your dick He misses so hard. Thank God. No do not know how to hit in the front. That really would have changed the story. I want to cut your dick off. We still didn't like it.
Starting point is 00:27:12 I want to finally get in there together with your girlfriend and then get in here and dick off. God damn, yeah, now we take his base to your penis and go. It kind of works out because Jake's favorite character in Game of Thrones is Theon. Yeah, but only I know my favorite character is Rik. Right. Dude fucking loves Rik and Viserys. Yeah, Viserys, you favorite character.
Starting point is 00:27:34 If Hardwood's dick got chopped off, he would instantly scream, Theola! Like, Sam, she was my lord and savior. I can't, I'm right here. Yeah, I'm right here. I'm right here with the devil. I'm right here with the devil. I need to break back to the most important thing I've ever lost. I'm gonna do the devil. Bring my dick back on to my friend.
Starting point is 00:27:46 I need to bring back the most important thing I've ever lost. That is Beverly Stern. Okay. When you bring it back, can you bring it back just a little bit bigger? You can bring it back. No, no, no, no, it was way bigger than this. Act rat. Could I do a comedy routine to stop the harvester from crying?
Starting point is 00:28:07 I'm rolling. I should funny that. Two nat 20s in a row, okay? Can I use my performance bonus? You have one, that's so fucking awesome. Did you roll that 20? I did. If you roll another goddamn nat 20,
Starting point is 00:28:22 then Polora has blessed you to make this guy stop crying. To do a type five. This is insane. Oh. Okay. Well, I got a five. Okay. I will still let you do an attack.
Starting point is 00:28:35 Okay. Okay. Yeah, guys, because of the nat 20, you dance so naturally. Why are you dancing? It's a cheer and you love? No. Did somebody order a stripper
Starting point is 00:28:48 Yeah, I am strictly start stripping to what the nat 20 does is it allows like a perfect skip into just a forward stab That would have been insane. Yeah, wait. Can I use the nat 20 for like critical damage? No, now you have to attack. Fine. OK. If you had gotten two net 20s in a row, to make a hell-beast stop crying because of dancing? No, I was going to do a stand-up set. OK.
Starting point is 00:29:17 What's the deal with the devil? Do you make a deal with the devil? Not bad. It's hard play. Thank you. Hard work's chocolate. Moontown did do it. She drops your sword and just slapping her teeth.
Starting point is 00:29:28 Wait no, it's somewhere clapped. Somewhere, old cops knows his bleeding. Do you want about airship travel? Of you ever had the food? It's just rats, so she me. That's my father's ship, your time. So sorry. What did you get in your attack, Earl?
Starting point is 00:29:46 I got a 25. 25? It's believe it or not. Needo. All right, let's do some damage. That is going to be 10 for my first attack. Okay, he is so goddamn hurt. You're so goddamn hurt.
Starting point is 00:30:01 If you would just laugh, this could have been different. I can't laugh I had a lot of topical stuff. Let me harvest this boy. I had some real singers about nooms show him what we do to hecklers, Bev This 15 hit 15 does not he is a heckler because he's from heck He laughs a little bit Fucking hilarious. Yeah, does he laugh at me withing as I try to hit him? That was funny good. I fall right on my ass That is back to the accolades turn they are going to all cast cure wounds
Starting point is 00:30:41 Yeah, use up all your spell slots on someone else and then we'll do you with many spell slots We suck so much ass we're doing what we can. They all say that in unison. That's pretty good. Thank you. We suck so goddamn bad. Thank you for acknowledging how much they suck. What else do we have to go on? You cannot own us for we are already on. Just eight miles.
Starting point is 00:31:00 It sounds so cute. How do you dunk on the already dunk? We cannot be dunked on. We sounds so cute. How do you dunk on the already dunked? We can not the bid dunked on. We are the bomb. That is hard one, Stern. I'm going to swing at the guy that stabbed my ass and try to chop off my dick. I just want to chop off your dick, man. Are you wanting to hit the guy that tried to chop off my dick?
Starting point is 00:31:22 Hard one. I think this guy's a hot dog salesman. I am, I do want to sell you out dog now 14 damage to the dick slayer. He's so hurt. I am it is I thick slayer All right now I'm coming for your dick. Okay Yes, cool win. I hit him 24. Okay, cool Wait, you beat a fucking 12 dude Yeah, dude that's what's up.
Starting point is 00:31:46 And 10 damage to him. Super finish him. Yes! Now I take his sword that he tried to chop off my dick, and I chop off his dick. Oh, it does not hurt that bad. Well, do not have any desire other than to chop off people's dicks and so forth.
Starting point is 00:32:02 I put it on the end of the sword and I stick it in his mouth. Oh, I have to eat my own dick that sucks. Bye-bye, baby He does that's kind of jokes on his own dick and dies hard one that's punching down a little bit Yeah, maybe a little bit. I chop up my own dick and solid Hard one cannon doesn't have a dick. You heard it here first guys edit that out of the podcast Oh wait so hard one. I forgot that you were grappled that whole time, but that is not the same as restrained.
Starting point is 00:32:29 That just means that your speed is zero. Oh, that wasn't moving, right? So you were literally just... It was just stopping Dix's arm. You're stabbed by a harpoon, just cutting off Dix and serving him up. Awesome. I don't even try to get out of the harpoon Dix to shame me
Starting point is 00:32:47 So on the harvesters turn he cries those big goopy tears Cry-fucked tears on you guys. I love it. It's like one of those cool showers that feels like a waterfall You can Burning hot tar falls on your head. Ooh, am I at the spot? Good. For 14 damage. I needed to exfoliate you, Bevin Munchine.
Starting point is 00:33:10 Oh boy. Oh, OK, so he can use two Harpoon Arms. So then he's going to shoot a Harpoon Arm at Munchine. All right. Does he know that I have a fucking awesome AC? 16? Does not hit. Does not hit.
Starting point is 00:33:23 Whisk. I'm a bitch of a barbarian. I got high to steal moonshine He tries to use his second Harpoon arm to grab you Hey, this one is stab to this. I'm freaking sorry In my body moves out of the way like a belly dancer like but horizontal Whoa, whoa horizontal belly dance So pliable.
Starting point is 00:33:46 Hard one, go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw. What? Not a problem, I'm very smart. Wait, are you in Bebsara? Am I? No, you're so following me. Doesn't eight save. It does not, believe it or not.
Starting point is 00:33:59 Hard one, you after cutting the stews dick off and shoving the dick kebab at his mouth, turn around around you still have this dude's fucking harpoon arm in your shoulder And he just looks at you with the saddest big disgusting goopy eyes. You see this black goop so quickly travels down his harpoon arm And goes on your face and sizzles and burns you for 23 damn No, not your beard. I'm sorry, but that also looks so bad your face and sizzles and burns you for 23 damn. No, not your beard. I'm sorry, but that also looks so badass. Let's see if maybe you can eat that.
Starting point is 00:34:30 Thank you. Fuck it, thanks. I was talking to hard one, but I heard it though. I do pity you. You're just a sad skin tint. Moonshan that's your turn. All right, let's go for a merciful murder. Please kill him.
Starting point is 00:34:42 I'm very hurt. Oh no. This is a 13 hit. I already know it doesn him. I'm very hurt. Oh no! Is it 13 hit? I already know it doesn't it. 13 does not hit. Alright, well. He grabs it between his big, his big saggy gut skin. He uses it to catch your sword. Oh.
Starting point is 00:34:56 I have so much skin. Alright, well, how about a little lotion for it? And then I hawk up some spores and rub it in gently, like Vicks Vapor Rob. Thank you. That hurts him for 12. That is Bev Stern. Alright. How's the harvester looking?
Starting point is 00:35:13 He was on Death's Door. Thank God he healed up. He's still looking pretty hurt, but he need to have a real good turn to kill him. On Death's stoop. He's on Death's stoop. He pulled up to Death's Door and he's honking the horn, but he's not out of the car yet. He's on a rocking chair in death's sunroom, but... He's in the solar. Yeah, the solarium.
Starting point is 00:35:32 How many accolades are left? Nine. Okay. I'm gonna start hacking at some of these acts. Hacking the X. Hacking the X. Alright, yeah, I'm just gonna try and cleave as many as I can. Let's do some darmage. Mm-hmm. Sixteen? That hit. Super hits. Alright, yeah, I'm just gonna try and cleave as many as I can. Let's give some darmage Hmm 16s that hit super hits Okay, that is 13 for that turn one is gone cool You fully decapitated his head and then stick into the neck of the next one
Starting point is 00:35:57 Oh if I was a real person I would be a sad you are a real person your valid. Hey, thank you so much now kill him Goodbye That would be a sad you are a real person. You're valid. Hey, thank you so much now kill him. Don't the kill you. Goodbye Oh, that's a that's a 20 okay, that's super hits do some more believe it or not My DA with Destiny is saying 14 14 Jesus Well fun you fully kill Another two you cut through with the rest of that guy's head and then got up the next guy's head. And now there are six left. I pose.
Starting point is 00:36:33 Ooh, I take notice of it. They all chant, that is a cool pose. If you're still going through heal. If you've seen the Diva animation from Overwatch, that's kind of what I do. We are now going to heal the high vista animation from Overwatch. That's kind of what I do. We are now going to heal the harvester. Good luck! Dang, y'all still got spells lots! We only have three. This is the last time we can do this. Good. Thanks for letting us know.
Starting point is 00:36:54 I like the way you speak that. Thank you so much. All in Uticent. Sounds so cute. Hey, what did you all have for dinner last night? We had meatloaf. What did y'all have for dinner last night? We had meatloaf. What did you all have for breakfast this morning? We had sausage and eggs. And lunch. We had hand sandwiches. What are you all getting each other for Christmas? Don't make us say that.
Starting point is 00:37:16 It's gonna be a sacred. It's kind of the day. They healed us. This dude's looking healthy again. No! Y'all are good to high. This is a hard one, Stern. They all owe each other a coke, though.
Starting point is 00:37:28 I'm gonna try to swing my axe at the guy that has his harpoon handed me and is burning my face and killing me. You can't move, dude. Oh, I can't move. No, you're far away from him. Why? Because you're fucking on the other side of the room attacking the spies. Can you try and sever the harpoon?
Starting point is 00:37:43 Yeah, you can use an action to get out of the grapple or you can swing in an acolyte nearby. I'm gonna try to get out of the grapple then I guess. Okay, go ahead and make a check, strength check. Natural 20. Oh! Oh!
Starting point is 00:37:57 You burst out, I'll let you roll. Yes, with a nat, with a nat 20, you don't even need to use an acolyte. Do you want to get out of the grapple or do you wanna try and do a sick stand-up comedy routine right now? Is this thing, Alan? I get out of the grapple.
Starting point is 00:38:11 Okay. You burst out of the grapple so easily. Wow, you're lost. Within that 20, I'll say you don't even need to use your action to do that. So now you're going to attack on this guy? Yes. You should have left it my friend stand up routine.
Starting point is 00:38:25 It just wasn't that funny. If you have no it's I'll take them. I rolled the four I'm gonna use my final luck point. Okay. Do I have enough? Yeah, you sure you have one? I'm 90% sure I do. Okay.
Starting point is 00:38:38 You know what? If I didn't have one shout out at Jake Herwitz on Twitter. If he's cheating right now. You're free to at me. You know what, let's just say, ball don't lie, dice don't lie. If I roll, if I hit, then I had one. And if I don't, none I didn't. Sure.
Starting point is 00:38:54 And I did not. Ah! Okay, last lock point, gone. All right, so I'm gonna make my second attack. You with, he catches it with his neck skin. Oh my God, I rolled it through. I really must be cheating. You just flex and the harpoon falls out of your shoulder.
Starting point is 00:39:08 You run forward, you swing your ax and he catches it in his neck skin. Why did you swing it by neck? Oh my gosh, he's like a basset hound. You swing again and he catches it in his belly fat again and then his neck skin falls in your mouth. Oh God, now I know what it tastes like to eat skin. I feel bad from doing it to that other guy.
Starting point is 00:39:31 Okay, so that is his turn. On his turn, he cries these big goopy tears. Everyone that takes 3D 6 of damage. That is 12 to everyone. And then he is going to shoot his harpoon at hard one. Well, I'm probably gonna die here. He super hits. Well, now you're next to me so I can carry you. Are you down? Not yet. Okay, well, we'll see. He does another 18 damage to you, hard one. I am down. So you guys see, hard one is stabbed by this guy with a
Starting point is 00:40:01 harpoon hand. It goes right through his abdomen, and you guys see this black gunk flowing down this guy's arm and going in a hard one's body. You see his skin is starting to pale, and his veins are pulsating. And a hard one takes damage while he's unconscious and loses one death saving throw. So that's one fail automatically. That's his.
Starting point is 00:40:28 Bunchine's turn. Bunchine's turn. Well you areless fuck, you set me up to do what I do best. Heal him in, hurt him. So I'm gonna heal hard one for 15. Okay, hard one goes back up to 15. Hard one, you are still hard-puned. You felt like you were about to die and suddenly you 15. Hard one, you are still hard-puned. You felt like you were about to die, and suddenly, you come back to life, and you are still hard-puned and stuck to this man.
Starting point is 00:40:51 Oh, just let me die. But you're at 15 HP, yeah. And then I'm going to reaction, send my spores on this. Okay. On this. The moonsign special. The skin fuck. Cool. The skin fuck. Cool.
Starting point is 00:41:05 Skin taggy fuck. They're not skin tags. Just skin. This is like the bad version of Balanore. It's just a big baggy idiot. That is best turn. You big baggy idiot. I'm not a baggy idiot.
Starting point is 00:41:17 You're just like a big crogor bag. You suck. You suck, man. Your friend almost fucking died. No, I didn't. You did, man. I fell to fucking died. No, I didn't. You did it, man. I fell to me.
Starting point is 00:41:27 He looked fine to me. I fell to him almost died. He jumped right back up. You guys stopped joking around for a minute. You're a bag of molding. You're a fucking attack me, dude. Is it my turn? Yes.
Starting point is 00:41:38 I'm going to keep whacking these acts. OK, go ahead. Yeah. Wack, the X. Wack, whack, whack, the X. Wack, the X. Wack, whack, whack, the X. The math, whack, the X. Wack, Wack the X. Wack, Wack the X. The nut's Wack the X. I'll have you in a second.
Starting point is 00:41:49 Oh, they're so cute. What's your favorite song? We all like boy problems by Carly Rachel. That's a good jam. Kind of a deep track on her second album. Oh, that's a good cut. All of us. No one dissentant. No one diss's a good cut. We like it. All of us.
Starting point is 00:42:05 No one dissentant. No one dissentant. We all work for Hell. No one secretly likes matchbox 20 more. I do. Shut up. Okay. 15 hits, right?
Starting point is 00:42:16 15 super hits. Okay. We are just waiting to see the rain being cooked. I like rept thomas. Two of them speaking unison. That's 12 on the first hit. One guy gone. What are we down to?
Starting point is 00:42:33 You guys are down to five. Berger's and Fry. Barely a rack of axe. It is hard not to hit these guys. Uh oh. I challenge you not to hit him Beverly. What? A plus four is what? That's okay. 12. You hit the... Yeah, you still hit?
Starting point is 00:42:47 Woo! Great. We are not the good. Haha. Tanny robes. We have Tanny robes. Haha. Well, that's not great. Uh, that's going to be 8 damage. Uh, 8 damage. You... You've filled... You killed the guy that you've already hurt and you do 3 damage to the next guy.
Starting point is 00:43:03 So there are 4 guys left. We've got less boy problems now. That is their turn. So they're just gonna have to attack Beth. They are not fighting. They pull out little daggers. These ropes were made for you. This is not the way we are here.
Starting point is 00:43:19 We only have three spell slots. I mean, have they used all their spell slots? They did. They did. They all just jab. there's four guys try to stab you Beverly and you just like stand there and the armor absorbs it. We are not the good at the fighting Try to hit this ass. It's invisible. That is your turn hard one Cool, I'm gonna try to kill the weepy guy cool Third kill me me man.
Starting point is 00:43:45 Net 20. Yeah. Wow. That could feel good. Oh, God, it's us. I almost killed you, dear. That's your second crit. That's your third fucking crit.
Starting point is 00:43:55 They're critting a lot, man. Woo. 20 damage. 20 damage. He is quite hurt, but not on death story yet. I will take my second. Go for it. He got healed for a lot a couple I will take my second to attack. Go for it. He got healed for a lot a couple times.
Starting point is 00:44:07 26 to hit. I'm coming for it. That hits. It hits my baggy skin, man. You're ripped open some of my skin sacks. 13 damage. 13 damage. OK, he is still alive.
Starting point is 00:44:18 Fuck. This guy looks like all of the... He looks bad now. We can not deal him anymore. We suck so much goddamn it. You're done. We're gonna shove you back under the kitchen sink with all the other bags.
Starting point is 00:44:30 I'm gonna continue trying to stab you with a butter knife. I'm just gonna keep banging off your armor, definitely. We are trying. We are trying our best. So hard one is still stabbed. I like that so much. They're reminding me of me in toy story.
Starting point is 00:44:46 Oh yeah, that's what I'm picturing them as the whole time. He cries big, goopy tears on three of you. For seven damage. It's dark tears. My dark, dark tears. And then he is going to shoot his second Harpoon arm at you, moonshine. All right. And he's going to hit.
Starting point is 00:45:10 What? No, he's not. I don't think he is. Does he know what my is? He got a 24. I don't know if he's going to hit. 17 damage, moonshine. Still standing. Okay, he stabs you though. You are also caught. 17 damage, Moonshine. Still standing. Okay, he stabs you though. You are also caught.
Starting point is 00:45:27 You guys are both like on his arms, and he does this. Oh, it's broken, ain't my life, man. This black tar goes through his arms. Moonshine, in hard one, give me wisdom saving throws. 19. 10. 19. 10. 10 does not save moonshine, but hard one,
Starting point is 00:45:50 you take half damage. 16 damage. I'm still standing. moonshine still standing, hard one you take half. Oh, see, that I'm good. You're good, okay. Hard one barely hanging on, that is Moonshine's turn. All right, I got one hit point.
Starting point is 00:46:09 Just gonna mind. Oh my God, really? It cards on the table. Jesus, he wrote so bad on his sheer damage. So I'm just planning on Critten. And? Doesn't 18 hit. It does.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Yeah, I'll take it. My skimpsacks aren't that bad. I'll take it. It's just skin 16 damage finish Okay, whoo with all of my one hit point I want to cradle him in my arms and say think of the happiest moment of your life It was win for a brief second, I was a nude, sexless, human who was being harvested to be one of Akarat's hollow bodies. And I thought that baby I would get to be used by Akarat,
Starting point is 00:47:01 but instead it didn't work, and now I'm a monster. All right, that's too sad I'd just get a tap. But it's tomorrow's another day. He's gone. Best moment of your life is almost being a devil's toy. He just melts into a sack of skin and black ooze. And that is your turn, Bev, you've got. Oh, we got the acolytes left.
Starting point is 00:47:21 Four of these acolytes left. I was going to give him a motivational calendar I think that's native motivation. You have it for help Do you want me to kill you or do you want to give up and tell us some information? Oh, cute. We went for help. All right Beverly tornado Okay, that's 19 that's super hits. Let's even get them all on go. Come on, baby Nope, that's a one
Starting point is 00:47:51 Plus what? Eight or plus seven so eight. Okay, you fully kill the one that you had already hurt all right or three left and you do one damage to the next guy See Okay, that's 25 it's really a thin AC damage to the next guy. See you. Okay, that's 25. That hits. Okay. We only have 10 AC. Yeah, I'm just rubbing it in.
Starting point is 00:48:10 Yes, at this very heart, the Nathkillas. It's 11. Yeah. That kills one of us and hurts the other one a little bit. There are two left. They stab at you with butter knives. We are dedicated to the cause. Can we say that the handle of the Butterknives
Starting point is 00:48:25 has like pretty flowers on it? One guy crit. Wow, and one guy missed. Critten with a Butterknife. He stabs you with a Butterknife for 14 damage, Beverly. Shit. Straight up, what to do? Hope to learn about.
Starting point is 00:48:39 That's your turn, Heartland. That was the guy that like Matchbox 20, right? Yeah. I still enjoy Rob Thomas. The two people who like Rob Thomas are still standing. I look him with and he's with Santa Ana the most. Yeah, yeah, I like Rob. He looks like he loves Santa Ana. Oh, and does the moon.
Starting point is 00:48:55 It's 21. 21 hits. Tamiya's emotion that I get from 18 damage. They're both gone. Finish them. You got that real love. Make me forget about it. Night Chop through them in half. You chop up both of them in half. You guys have cleared out this entire disgusting room. There is no more chanting. Just, Joris screaming. Oh, yes. He's got this like, one ashy fucked up eye.
Starting point is 00:49:26 Oh, what happened to me? What happened to me? Does it look like when Thor lost his eye? Oh, yes. In a wreck rocks. Yes. I rush over to it and I lay there. I know it hurts right now, but it's gonna look awesome.
Starting point is 00:49:38 I gotta come back in the next movie. I stick my finger and my mouth and get it real wet. Then it's kinda like running around the room. Okay, go ahead and give me a religion check. Okay 10 10 okay This episode of NAD pod has brought to you five bird dogs There a company that makes pants and shorts, so no matter where you fall and the age old battle between the two You can rest assured that Bird Dogs has you covered.
Starting point is 00:50:07 Now we all know when the legwear war begins and we're forced to choose a side, it's gonna be difficult! Luckily Bird Dogs has made the decision of which pants and shorts to buy a little easier. Bird Dogs stretchy khakis are designed to fit slimmer through the thigh and leg to give you a truly sculpted look. And instead of making their clothes out of restricting cotton, bird dogs invented a cloud knit fabric that looks just like khaki, but stretches so you get a way slimmer fit without having to sacrifice movement.
Starting point is 00:50:35 And trust me, you are going to need all the movement you can get when you and your brothers and legs are out there on the battlefield kicking the shit out of your rivals. So when the lower body battle begins and brother is forced to kick brother make sure you are wearing bird dogs. To get yours and a free Yeti-style tumbler go to birddogs.com slash pop-off or enter promo code pop-off at checkout. That's birddogs.com slash pop-off or promo code pop-off for a free Yeti-style tumbler. You won't want to take your bird dogs off, we promise you.
Starting point is 00:51:07 Okay, that's it for me, go team pants, and enjoy the show. Beth, you... Can I roll my religion to help his religion? Sure. That's an Act 20, baby! Act 20, okay, back me up. So, Beth... I gotta get the nips out, start to weaken.
Starting point is 00:51:26 Tune into Melora. I covered George's other eye. Yeah. So, you see this kid is kind of in shock and he's trying to, you know, just at a pure instinct grab at his eye, but his hands are chained and he's kind of spayed there. And, Bev, you go over and you're trying to lay hands
Starting point is 00:51:44 and you're kind of scrambleing and going to grab it, you're amulet, and Moonshine comes over and she's kind of a comic presence, and she puts her hand on your shoulder. You guys both like kind of meet on this wavelength as Bev, you lay hands this kid. You see that his skin was turning pale, and there were like these veins pulsating through him, like this poison was going through his body And you do not heal his eye hole or anything, but you see he calms down and he goes It does it does not hurt anymore just gone my eyes gone. You're gonna be okay I'm telling you a lot of fucking awesome people are missing an eye
Starting point is 00:52:24 You suddenly see the red eye of Akarat appear in his one eye. Alright. What does that that feels weird in my eye? I did, I'm gonna say some stuff, but I'm not talking to you. You motherfucker! Are you spying on us? I cover his eye hole with the amulet. Oh!
Starting point is 00:52:42 Oh, that hurts! God damn it! Sorry, this is hurting the devil more than it's hurting you. Uh, go ahead and roll out of religion check. Okay. You're giving him like an exorcism essentially. Okay, I'm gonna help. I'm gonna try it.
Starting point is 00:52:52 Okay. Oh, damn it. Uh, that's going to be a- 16. Oh, 12. 12. Okay, you guys hold them down. You put the amulet to his eye.
Starting point is 00:53:01 You see, Joris is screaming. Pelor takes you to Flavortown. Pelor takes you to Flav Town. Pelor takes you to Flavor Town. Melora's indifferent. I like to think when our gods work in tandem, it's like them doing like a 50 plus year old dance at a wedding together. They're kind of like really grooving and freaking.
Starting point is 00:53:20 Yeah, yeah. It's like when mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner and then like dad comes in and kind of like dances where they're behind her I'm like wings of the kids. She likes to act like she doesn't like of us. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you guys had a happy childhood So you see his eyes still like blackened and fucked up, but you do see that ackarats eye retreats cool. Let's get this I retreats. Cool. Let's get this one good eye patch.
Starting point is 00:53:44 Yes, praise being lures and difference. Yeah, let's get you a real good eye patch. That's what to be good. Eye patch. Who are you? Do you work for the boss? Who do you work for? I bite a piece of my polar bear, my cyclops polar bear
Starting point is 00:53:58 pell off and fashion him a little eye patch. Cool, great. A furry white eye patch, dope. Dope, you give him a furry little eye patch. Cool, great. A furry white eye patch. Dope. Dope, you give him a furry white eye patch over his one eye. He still changed to these post-op. Did you buy? I'll swing my axe at the chains.
Starting point is 00:54:14 Cool. Also, you guys are out of combat. You swing down on these chains. You break them. We're here from your sister. Cautious to us. Yeah. You know Cautia.
Starting point is 00:54:23 We do. Yeah, we stop by the dwarf anage. She still cares about you. It's not too late. What was the errand you ran? And please, we will not attack you no matter what you say. Hard one's gripping his act, really tight. Whatever you say is OK.
Starting point is 00:54:39 We honestly just want to know the truth. You can say that you killed someone in it, all's forgiven. Or you can say you just went and you know helped by a dagger and also all's forgiven. You see he looks down and he goes, I did what I had to do. The other kids were too scared, but I snuck down into the crypts and I was caught by the boss. He said that he respected my courage and he could use someone like me. And so he hired me to do a job.
Starting point is 00:55:20 It was tempting. What was the fucking job? The job was to track two nobles. Gemma bronze beard and Gerard Codain. So I gathered information on them and I tracked them. I'm good at hiding and generally everyone pretends not to see the orphan so I could blend in easy. I think that's true.
Starting point is 00:55:42 I reported my findings back to the boss and then a few days later he offered me another job to dress up as a venereal servant and to go to the wedding welcome party. And I went to the party and I found Gemma Brunsbeard again and I was supposed to wait for a moment where she was alone or away from the crowds. And then I was to go to the kitchen and let in a cloaked dwarf in the back door. And that was my job. What did that dwarf look like?
Starting point is 00:56:14 He had the same face as the boss. OK. Yeah. What was that face look like? He was kind of pale, little too handsome handsome in the gentle way not in a dwarf way it looks weird when he has when he's on the trusted. You want to trust it. He went on a assassin mission dresses himself not borrowing another hollow body. The hollow body that's how the hollow body's
Starting point is 00:56:42 work. It's always his face. And the hollow body. Yes. I see. I see. Joris Who ordered the hit? well first our The boss is going to kill us right where your new boss now, George. Yeah, you let us worry about that We're the best chance. You've got to get out of here. Yeah, I don't We already just kill me Life is so bad. No, no, no. Alright, Jorah.
Starting point is 00:57:07 Alright. The dwarf anage just received an anonymous donation that was quite handsome and I think it could be in a comedy in place to ride this out. I didn't want to do what they did. I'm not stupid. I know you didn't. to do what they did. I'm not stupid. I know you didn't. You're just young kids. And I know why people ask for people to be tracked.
Starting point is 00:57:33 We're not blaming you. We know it's hard out there. We've seen it. Although, if you blame yourself, this may be a good opportunity for some self-reflection. Don't knock on a stand in the way of that. But I'm showing you forgiveness. Tell you what, Joris, that noble that you tracked, Gemma,
Starting point is 00:57:50 that was pretty much my girlfriend. I did this for a thousand gold that I could give to the Dwarf and Edge. Dwarf and S die all the time and no one cares. People die to save kings, die to save queens, die for princes and princesses, but no one cares if Dwarfen freezes or Dwarfen starves no one cares. Hey, I care. I'm a Dwarfen just like you. I know exactly what you and your kin need.
Starting point is 00:58:22 Y'all need to go join the cricks. Bunch of rowdy youngins? Y'all will fit in! Wes, how do we... I've heard of this... ...crick? Where is the crick? Hey Harwell, we got space on your airship for all the doorways. I... I grabbed your ass by the nape of the neck.
Starting point is 00:58:42 Tell you what, dude. You killed... You helped kill the only person I love. Right, I'm sorry. You can kill me if you want. My life sucks so much ass. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan of you, but I made a promise to your sister that I wasn't gonna let anything happen to you.
Starting point is 00:58:58 So nothing's gonna happen to you. And you know what, Moon Shine? As the two new people that I actually love. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. There's room on the SS Stormboard for a bunch of dwarfs. Hey, Joris, how are you at Catchham? Catchham, it has been a long time, so... I start chasing Joris.
Starting point is 00:59:20 His legs are tired from being chained. I did not want to play. That's why I'm gonna get caught yours. Maybe next time. I fire a man carry him over my shoulder. All right. Also, it's now like a moment. Does it feel like a moment that I could perhaps trance?
Starting point is 00:59:40 If you would. If you would. If you would like to take a short rest, you can try and see what happens. Short rest in the crypt where the devil was living seems like it might be dangerous. Onwards and upwards, fellas. Why don't we go and meet Balnor at this time?
Starting point is 00:59:56 Yeah, and we can maybe, and we can hopefully rest. Also, there's a chance that if Joris was tracking Jima, Joris also knows where Col d where Colden is as well. Yeah, so the person now on our side. Yeah, I meant one hit point. I don't think Colden is okay. Where do you think that he got murdered on a hunt? Yes, I think he was killed out in the dungeon.
Starting point is 01:00:23 Do you think he was killed by the Winter Wol? Or do you think that a carot? No, I Did not see the face of the man who ordered the hit But I heard him one time I was down here for a meeting with the boss. Oh, it wasn't a carot who ordered the hit a carot works for the order But somebody we had this theory that he was trying to impress his dad Okay, go on yours somebody came down and
Starting point is 01:00:53 So I hid and I listened near the door and There was a man here. I heard the man yelling and He was angry and he said I wanted him dead. I didn't know he would have the hammer. Now it's lost. And the boss said, you give me gems. And I offered to take two lives and exchange the fate of the hammer was not the part of it. You know, he has that deep voice. Yeah, he was talking like that. He said, the hammer was not the part of it. And then the other guy was very mad. He was yelling at him. And but the boss said, do you still want me to go through with it and take the second life? And the guy said, yes, I'll find the hammer myself. But even if I get my hands on it,
Starting point is 01:01:41 I still need to do this the right way. That is all I remember. And then they started talking quietly and the man calmed down and I couldn't hear and some of the acolytes came by and I'd rush off. So we know that Akarot needed the gyms to capture Ulfgar. I imagine that's the gyms he's talking about. Does Ulfgar have the hammer? What is the hammer? I think that Gerard Koldain took the hammer hunting. Yeah. So the hammer is lost somewhere beyond the wall. The hammer is in the tundra.
Starting point is 01:02:10 Yeah. Y'all looks like we got a cash in of that giant coin. Made some friends up there, right? Something ate fundra in the tundra. Something's a sundra in the tundra. Nice. It's very good. That's very good.
Starting point is 01:02:25 Could you guys kill me? No way dude. No I promised your sister I wouldn't. We're, let's case this. How about this? We'll drop you after the dwarf anage and that's sort of like a life sentence in itself right? Yes, I kind of agreed to do this job because I knew that the gold would just go to the dwarf anage and I would not have
Starting point is 01:02:45 to live with myself because I would be inducted and I would just become zombie. So you have saved me. Please drop my head off. Do you have the gold by the way? The gold will be delivered to dwarf image. You should be there to enjoy that bounty with your sister. Although is him being there going to compromise the dwarf image. We have a safe room.
Starting point is 01:03:06 Yeah, let's take him to the safe room. This is the lock-em-man in. Yeah, I think we should take him back to the dwarf anage and just tell him to hide. Tell him to pack up all of those kids. Tell him to get everybody to pack the bag. Yeah. We go and deal with Jaina Balnor. And then we come back for the kids afterwards.
Starting point is 01:03:26 Joris, are you worried that the dwarf in it won't be safe if you're there? You see, Joris with his one good eye looks out into the room. See all the guys that you've killed. He goes, I don't know how many more guys the bus has here. This used to be a thieves guild has here. This used to be a thieves guild that hit out down here. Cool. And they would sometimes give petty jobs for dwarfs to do for a little bit of money. And then the boss showed up and the boss took over and suddenly money started coming in more. George, do you want to be in charge of the thieves guild? it coming in more. George, do you want to be in charge of the thieves' guild? Yeah, George, what if we left you here to reinstate the thieves' guild? That would be pretty fucking dope honestly.
Starting point is 01:04:10 That's pretty bad ass, right? You should do that. I'll be honest, I met a lot of people in Frostwin that have more money than they deserve. I do have a fucking cool ass eye patch now. Yeah, do you want to redistribute the wealth a little bit, bud? Yeah. Yeah, we need to kill these fucking bootlickers. No, no, no, no, don't kill. No, no, no, no, don't kill.
Starting point is 01:04:26 Just the air. Robinhood style may be. Just still, okay. Yeah. I will consider this. Please carry me home. I am so hurt. Okay, well, we've turned you around on wanting to die.
Starting point is 01:04:35 So that feels like a mission. Yeah, I feel like I'm not a wind call. I no longer want to die. I just want to be good criminal. He doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to die. Cool. good criminal. He doesn't want to die. He doesn't want to die. Ah cool. So in this room it's just a ton of bodies strewn about and candles and this one symbol
Starting point is 01:04:58 that Bev you recognize as being the same symbol as your coin but your party doesn't know that you have that. I turn it around on my pocket a few times. Beverly, come to me. I turned it around on my pocket a few times. Beverly, come to me. Akira, is that you? What's me? Where are you now? My son. Beverly, I've never been to the wall. What?
Starting point is 01:05:12 What's going on? No, I was rehearsing lines. All right, let's drop this. For a plan doing later. Let's drop this Cyclops dwarf back at this dwarf image. Sounds good. So you guys go back out through the double doors. And as you walk out, you see that you guys
Starting point is 01:05:27 are pretty much fucking cleaned house here. But at the other end of the hall, you see this faceless, nude dwarf completely devoid, just smooth downstairs, just devoid of nipples and private parts, hobble out of a room at the far end of the hallway near where you guys entered. Oh shit, is that like a hollow body? Uh oh, and it walks on shaky legs, almost bow-legged. Oh.
Starting point is 01:05:54 Down the hall towards you. It's a baby hollow body. You guys see Akarot's face forms there, and he goes, Do I scare you when I'm like this? Put on a pair of pants or something. I don't, I don't, do you attack him when I'm like this? Put on a pair of pants or something. I don't, do you attack him?
Starting point is 01:06:07 Yeah, why wouldn't we? Okay, so Moon Shion rushes up and swings her sword at him. I got a 26. Yeah, that hits this new Dacarot. 19. You slash him in half, he's gone. Oh, okay, that was weird. Are there any more of those things around?
Starting point is 01:06:24 I guess, I mean, it seems like it's a sort of hollow body hatching facility. Yeah, was there like a, where did that thing come from? So he came from the end of the hall where you guys had seen the accolades come out of when you guys were entering. Cool. I get my amulet out and I start whipping it around on its chain.
Starting point is 01:06:46 OK. Kind of making it whistle a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you guys are going down to that room. Should we? Yeah, obviously. Yeah, let's sneak down there. Cool.
Starting point is 01:06:56 So you guys sneak down to this room. You guys see that there are these like, there are rooms all over the ground. There's like the D&D equivalent of like pentagrams and graffiti everywhere, just these signs of aquerot all over the place, and like melted candles everywhere, and all these like half bodies on the ground. And you see another void-faced hollowed guy, uh, suddenly aquerot's face appears on it again. Oh, hello.
Starting point is 01:07:24 Hi. It's good to see you again. Yeah, I guess so What are you doing here? This body is a failure. It's really no danger to you I can't even stand up with this one and you see he's just Gyrating his hips into the sky. I try kicking the crotch to see what happens That doesn't even hurt me. Wow He's not lying, guys. Listen, leave these dwarven's alone.
Starting point is 01:07:51 I mean- Quit exploiting them. You can offer deals to us, but not them, alright? Yeah, we're doing- They're under our protection now. We're returning this place to an honorable thief's den. That's what these bodies are. The members of this thieves guild,
Starting point is 01:08:06 none of them were strong enough to become a hollow body, except for the guild master, who I used to, and he looks at you hard on. Throw the knife. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. I threw the knife. Oh, you threw the knife. I threw the knife.
Starting point is 01:08:21 That's really great for you. I'm making fun of my horse. My son of a bitch, I chopped that guy's head off. That is, you fully, I'm not even gonna make you roll. You fully chop off this dude's head, and then another face appears on another one of them. This one is just a torso like hanging on the wall. Why did you throw the knife?
Starting point is 01:08:38 Because I was ordered to, I made a deal. I needed those gems to get Ulfgar. Ulfgar belongs to me. No. Ulfgar belongs to me. No, Ulfgar belongs to me. I chopped that one's head off too. Heads gone. There are... I'm gonna say there are four left. Okay, let's... We got a couple of spares left, so get your anger out now. Joris, do you want a punch one?
Starting point is 01:09:00 I would like the punch one. I give Joris my axe and Casey says anything. Joris goes over and cuts another one. There's three left now. All right, George, a little trigger happy. I said, Casey said anything. Do you want to make the kill of another one? Wait, George, I got a better idea.
Starting point is 01:09:13 I make one look like a tumping another one. Oh, so funny. Thanks, man. I guess we wait for the head to be appear. Another. Who ordered you to kill, Gemma? Join the order and I'll tell you. That chip is sailed. If you're not going to join the order,
Starting point is 01:09:31 then I will just have to take Ofgar back from you with my prime body. Yeah, does your prime body have a dick? Cause these are not very impressive. Just because I'm a writhing little body on the ground right now does not mean I fail today. Sounds like something you really have to tell yourself to. Is it?
Starting point is 01:09:54 It feels like- It also sounds like something that you put in an Instagram picture. Can I go like a quote that you write into a picture? Can I try to pray to his dad to tell him that he failed? Go ahead, prove to my dad, see you find charity. Hey, Pelor, can you patch me through to Ilsaid? Ooh, I'm gonna do the same, Melora, same. I rolled a one, but I'm gonna reroll that.
Starting point is 01:10:16 This is all 11. I got a 16. Go ahead and give me wisdom saving throws. Oh, all right. I'm gonna try to talk to Ilsaid. That's going to be 16 plus four. Go ahead and give me wisdom saving throws. Oh, right. The Dread Talkdale said, that's going to be 16 plus four. Okay, 20. 20, six.
Starting point is 01:10:31 20, six and 20. You guys are like joking around, pretending to pray to the devil, and you're like, Malura, patch me through to ill said, and you just hear a voice in your head. I'm in, and you guys like quickly, like, let's go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, You're lying to me. Yeah, I was also patched through to him and he said you were a tiny little bitch boy. I say that.
Starting point is 01:11:07 He's not a mini, but... He's with a beautiful woman trying to conceive another son. What you wouldn't do that. He has one beautiful boy. He didn't say another son. He said a first son. What? A son for what?
Starting point is 01:11:16 What is the same thing? Yeah, it's weird. I saw a family portrait, but like one of the like a little baby's face was just like crap. I was a family portrait and it was just your your dad all of your blood across the snow. He said he doesn't love your mom anymore I heard him on the phone saying he wanted to join the PTA, but he had no children real funny guys Just real freaking funny you can just wait to meet my pride body when you meet my prime body You are screaming at us and you were a tiny little naked
Starting point is 01:11:44 I'm not sure if you're screaming at us and you were a tiny little naked. You're also talking about that prime body. This prime body had better have that least. It's freaking jacked. I'm freaking jacked, IRL. I'm jacked, IRL. Does it have a tail? Does it have a barbed tail? Um, yeah.
Starting point is 01:11:57 I was like, you just decided that. Go ahead and do an insight check to if you believe that he has a tail. He rolled a five. I got a 15. You fully don't believe that he has a tail. Yeah, right, you got a tail. You got as much as it was a little fat. I don't need a fricking tail.
Starting point is 01:12:14 Don't tails are dumb. You probably just got a big old button up. You guys might have all of a car right now but it doesn't matter because you guys need the King's hammer to get him out. So you'll seek out the King's hammer and when you find it, guess what? I know where it freaking is, and I'll be there
Starting point is 01:12:28 waiting for you. I kick it and it's nude, but just to knock it. I don't know. You can I slap him across the face, just to knock the acarod out of him? You slap him across the face. You see the acarod face shifts. You kick him in the butt.
Starting point is 01:12:43 You see his whole body. Which is you break several bones and you just twisted on the ground, just gyrating. Sorry about that, you were in the middle of threatening us, what was it that you wanted to say? In agro still in there, I just want to kick the acarod out of him. You know, this isn't the only way to control bodies, the giants are angry and they have the hammer. And when they get to that crack in the realm, they will use the hammer to shatter it. And then there will be chaos,
Starting point is 01:13:12 and we will bring order. And that's where we'll end our episode. No! I hate order! I love order. I love chaos in the order. We like light chaos. It's guys just side of chaos. This guy's just bad, glad, good bad.
Starting point is 01:13:33 Good bad mixed with Adam Driver. Dark Adam Driver and a fucking mound. Guys, if you wanna hear us chat about this epi, go over to the patreon patreon.com slash nad pod that's n-a-d-d-d-p-o-d We don't sing yet. But I do want to promise on this short rest that I will be trying to come up with a pun name for the studio because the boy cave, the 2d 2d is pretty strong. I'm not having that hole.
Starting point is 01:14:02 Like, you guys all three, you brought it and I haven't done shit, but listen to the short rest and I will bring down the I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
Starting point is 01:14:12 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
Starting point is 01:14:20 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sureodge. Go Lodge. That's pretty good. Em's got two pretty locks. No, relax. Good luck. I could have gotten there.
Starting point is 01:14:30 The California Creek. Oh, that's good too. Back it off. Guys, check out Dropouts. Hey, you can check out the streaming service. Call Doels got Cartoon Hell on there with Nathan Yaffe. Oh. Special guest, Akarot next week. Special guest, Akarot next week.
Starting point is 01:14:46 Special guest, Akarot. Jake and Amir have Lonely and Horny, of course. Emily and I have fantasy high. Fantasy high. Which is a, um, D&D. Big and Riz for the win. Oh yeah. That's enough.
Starting point is 01:15:00 I didn't think he'd play a show. He's talking about other D&D campaigns, not on. What is the promo code? Sign up dot dropout dot tv slash nad pod NADD POD. Nice. And we are, is there any? Don't sing yet again. There's one more thing to plug.
Starting point is 01:15:17 Oh yes. Hot data on Netflix baby. Yes, check out me and Emily's sketch show on Netflix called Hot Date and Bible. It's really different, but there's also some, there's some NADPOT. Even though we wrote it and filmed it before, we didn't add POT. There's some, you know, some Disney flavor in there. Perhaps.
Starting point is 01:15:36 My wife wrote for that show. Yeah. Yes, that's true. Yeah, Susanna. Support me. Yeah. Call it well, you have anything else, bud? I do.
Starting point is 01:15:44 This Saturday, November 3rd. I believe you can watch big city greens at 8 a.m. On Disney Channel wake up nice and early and check it out John him guest stars in our Thanksgiving black Friday Oh Yeah And of course follow us on Twitter at CH Muriff is me at called he he is called well, at EXford is Emily and at Jake Herwitz is Jake, you know what, what is the address for our PO box? Because we need we need stuff for our studio. Yeah. It is 1920, hell her stavineu number two to two, Losephiles, California, 90027. I want to very quickly give shout outs to David who sent us a
Starting point is 01:16:24 pair of very funny socks that Emily is wearing right now. I want to very quickly give shout outs to David, who sent us a pair of very funny socks that Emily is wearing right now. I'm wearing them right now. Gavin, who sent us a DVD of the animated series of Dungeons & Dragons, which is watching it right now. Absolutely. Yeah, look forward to that on a mixed bag
Starting point is 01:16:37 in the future, absolutely for sure. Leanne, who sent us some cool dragon egg clay cups. For real, I am drinking whiskey out of body right now. Yeah, it warms your whiskey, which is, you know, bad for the whiskey, but cool. And then Laura at Ace Plus Crafts, sent us some key chains, some pins, and a band of boobs, pinnit,
Starting point is 01:16:57 which is hanging above the bathroom door. Yeah, we're gonna say photos of all this and put it on the mad pot Instagram, right? But do check out at Ace Plus Crafts because I believe that Laura makes cool stuff like that. So get at them if you want some cool stuff. Very cool. Yes, we have a shelf of pop-paws right now
Starting point is 01:17:14 on the bookstakes. We have three big old pop-paws. We got pop-paws, we got an anaflacross this. Send us more pop-paws so that they can, you know, mate and make more pop-paws. Yes. Oh, that's my dream that I open up this door in the morning and there's more pop-offs so that they can, you know, mate and make more pop-offs. Yes. Oh, that's my dream that I opened up this door in the morning and there's more pop-offs than there was last night.
Starting point is 01:17:30 It was just a house. It was as if it was a party. I can't wait until there's too many pop-offs for us to fit in the room. Until we can soundproof the room with pop-offs. Oh, my lord, I just realized I didn't even mention pop-off this entire episode. I mean, I do that.
Starting point is 01:17:44 Pop-offs with Boundore. Oh, thank God. He might be freaking captured. You don't know. Oh, I'm gonna get back to that. God. We gotta get back. You guys don't know. You guide me with my son. And tweet about the show using hashtag NADPOD. That's NADPOD. Here we go. We are, we are, youth of the nation. We are, we are, youth of the show everybody and that means we need to shout out our benevolent council of elders, it's just me this week, but I'm bringing the energy and enthusiasm
Starting point is 01:18:21 in those sadness. Starting with Matthew M. the Bullywug Prince, somewhere in Bahumia lurks a dark coven of Nullywags. They are foul toads who don't brush their teeth, have terrible ginger vitus and are Matthew's sworn enemy. Brad D. the only pebble pot that isn't craven every year at pebble pot Thanksgiving. Brad never gets any food because he's too busy cutting everyone's meat so that they don't choke. J. Loma, 72, aka Steel Breaker, hard ones, gymspiration, Steel Breaker hasn't had a slider in
Starting point is 01:18:51 over 9 months because they don't do cheat days, they do cheat years. Andrew A. aka Feldspar Ligard in the half-elf. Andrew is half-elf, half caffeine, two pumps of caramel and just a dash of cinnamon. Next time you go to Starbucks, ask for the Felt Sparts Delicious. Taylor Pauppa, the six, a legendary barred to whom no item isn't an instrument. Once played a reanimated skeleton like a xylophone, that sound was so beautiful. The skeleton stopped attacking, grew organs and skinned and left to join the Peace Corps. Dylan B is Super Week Wizard of the World's 12 Swords.
Starting point is 01:19:25 He is so bad at actually wielding these Swords that he accidentally invented Blade Singing, which is a D&D subclass where you do badass sword tricks way to go Dylan B. Just be sure no one else is around while you're practicing. So I'm in W, the bootleg of Hard One Soft Loss. Soft Loss actually dated Gemma after she and Hard One broke up. It also didn't work out, but Gemma did introduce soft-laws to his new fiancé, Emma Stone. Congrats soft-laws, I'm sure you too will be very happy. Danny P. Bohumi is resident artist, painted Hard One senior portrait at the doorfinage.
Starting point is 01:19:59 All the other dwarfs just got their photos taken, so Hard One's fully nude, double-page portrait spread really stuck out. Tom P, father of the realm, the serenader of sleeping babies and kisser of booboos. Unlike touch hands, Tom P's booboo smooch fully heals you and can be used as many times as he wants. Spencer Caskrew, patron elder of libations, ale maker to gods and heroes of Bohumia alike, made a farmhouse saison that was so freaking tart it made even Polores might elipse Pucker.
Starting point is 01:20:30 Pedro E, Bart of the Mountains, Bards travel from across the land to seek Pedro's tutelage, which is weird because he's got a YouTube channel. Griffin SD, aka the stranger, the silver dragonborn Eldritchitch Knight in honor of the Badger's Pint in in Tavern update on the Badger V Stranger case Unfortunately the court ruled against Griffin and they had the change the name of their bar to the Boogers Pint hotel in Lounge That Badger will pay beard man Dan the longest beard in Bohemia Dan's beard is so big that he could cut it and make hair sweaters for everyone in Bohemia He doesn't though because that went over super poorly when he did it for his family last Christmas. Scott D, a dwarf teen who loves doing BMX stunts. Unfortunately, their legs are too short to reach the pedals, so they had to settle for big wheel stunts.
Starting point is 01:21:16 It might sound lame, but they once jumped over 12 anti-paladins at once. Even Akarad was impressed. Aaron C, one of the winter wolves that went hunting with Prince Col dain, definitely wasn't taking a whiz and checking their speaking stone while any sort of ambush was happening. Nope, definitely not Ayrn C. Hermes W, the Bat King. Sometimes Hermes misses the simpler days
Starting point is 01:21:37 when they were but a Bat prince and could waste their nightseeding bugs and shrieking at rocks to see where they are in the dark but alas, those days have passed. Tialix, Akarats' hollow body uses exclusively for date nights if you know what I mean. Ha ha, awoga. Parker E, the Bahumian sorting hat, currently not affiliated with any school of wizardry, but if you put them on, they'll tell you exactly where you're going to eat for dinner in exactly two years. RJW, like Joris, also has one smoky Akarot eye, got it on purpose because RJ is super
Starting point is 01:22:10 goth and wanted to impress their co-workers at Hot Topic. Spartas, the assassin guildmaster who provided the body for Akarot. Unknown Akarot, Spartas actually gave themselves up willingly because they were looking for a change and thought working for Hell might be just the spark they need. Adam Rust, the rustiest armor in all of Bohumia, only the rustiest scavengers of the Crick even compare, and even Uncle Red, a rat man who sleeps at a shipyard suggested Adam's armor could use a buff. Brent B, Tadalonus Magic, not wizard magic though. The magic of being polite. It's
Starting point is 01:22:46 just saying hi to somebody could make their day. Cassandra, MHP has so much HP that they were hurt-puned by the harvester beast in their sleep and didn't even notice until morning. Danielle the Dastardly Dame, Danielle is so dastardly that she stole the money, Joris earned for the Dwarf and Edge and gave it to some rich kids, sort of a reverse Robin Hood. QC, aka, Haldor Frostback, MVP of the Giant Wars, Kurt on the SS Stormborn and fought alongside Elias and Red. It's currently retired and living in the Tundra with nothing but a sleeping bag and a flag and a veil. Now that's a thick hide. Manny the Mundane, accidental deity who got in the way of a lichest spell to reach divinity
Starting point is 01:23:25 with you reach into your bag of trail mix and get a nice ratio of M&Ms, that's mani smiling down at you. Daniel U, aka Multifore has the power to clone themselves. Usually just uses it to get chores done faster but boy do those dishes get washed. Jordan DJ, legendary DJ of the realm, is also a capable warrior who throws records Kung Lao style. Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord, born of the sword whose hair was shorn.
Starting point is 01:23:54 That's right, Jeffrey is bald and jacked and frequently mistaken for the rock. Cutter W, a high-elf dandy turned-crick bark attack, businesses middownt since everyone left the crick. It's pretty much just cutter walking around, trying to sell houses to nannier flies and chipper monks, read the market cutter you gotta move buddy. Lex S, the escape artist, the only person to ever escape the cold iron keep dungeon, it was a great blow to the Frost Dwarfs pride so now they just execute everyone instead.
Starting point is 01:24:21 John S, aka Shubbert the Mushroom is actually a distant cousin of Toad from Mario Kart, believe it or not. Ryan M. the greatest tournament fighter in Bahomia once knocked Ulfgar off of his horse during a joust, Ulfgar did kick his ass at the bar later though. Alaina C. The reason that scoutmaster Denny is so crave and gave him a wedgie so fierce in middle school that Denny began to fear everyone. Andrew M. A frostwin hotdog vendor who's secretly selling deem and dicks to their customers, Sweeney Todd style.
Starting point is 01:24:50 Ricky aka, tricky Ricky of the Crickie had to stay behind when the rest of the Crick elves left the Crick. Otherwise their nickname wouldn't make sense. Andrew R, a dwarf which I gantis him, is indistinguishable from above the human, but Andrew is pretty self-conscious about it. Cannibalistic Kthulhu, a gnome cannibal who eats other gnomes, the band of boobs consider this a heroic act. Michael McD, head mixologist at the Blumana, and a bartender so dedicated to his craft, that even his virgin deckeries are very, very alcoholic. Victor T, Boundnor's boy, whose loving dad was ripped from his family and transported
Starting point is 01:25:22 to another world. The one solace's boy has is that he knows his dad isn't around to see the crumbling of the Ottoman Empire. Henry A inhabited the super sad hell demon body for just a minute to see if he can hold back the tears, you know what he could. Lance W. Where's not just one, but two badass eye patches? He looks twice as cool as Joris, and he still has both of his eyes. Just an eye.
Starting point is 01:25:44 Invented the eye stone, a new smart speaking stone that all of Bohemias using to take photos of their vacations in the Feywild. Caleb was stuck on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean with no hope of survival when suddenly a magnificent hell dolphin fell from the sky and was able to ride its dorsal fin back home. Clayton M, a claymation Dalmatian, super into thrifting lately, and is making some great finds at Salvation, TJM, an orc personal trainer Beverly Togold enlisted to try to pump his rump, no matter how many squats Bev did though, he couldn't get his
Starting point is 01:26:16 ass cheeks thicker than a pop tart. The professional, the only lawyer to ever successfully beat pop on litigation, someone carved a moan to his car after the trial, and he is his neaking suspicion who it is. Jacob C. Pants to rustsack when he emerged, half killed from the crypt, now he's the new dwarf and leader. Elena M. Eats every meal with a fork and a sword, it's very intimidating, but very impractical, she's ruined countless dishes. Gone off, when Gone off was in college, they did the first ever crick stand, they stood upside down over a vat of Crick water and huffed and huffed. As people chanted their name, it was epic, but they lost a lot of brain cells. Make Pucks, the code master, who created our amazing website. He also once hacked, galad, scrying, sword, and so I'm dry humping his pillow
Starting point is 01:26:57 as he whispered, oh Rosalene. Earl and Kathleen L, a loving d'Orven couple, who almost adopted a hard one, till they saw that his quads were so abnormally large that they knew he'd never fit in their low-sealing dwarven house. Dylan M, a half-elf peddler of smut, makes a chaos in order magazine that Akarat routinely beat it to. Jive G, not the chilever open it, but Jive got Jemma a really tasteful wedding gift. It's pointless to talk about now that shhh, now though, since she was unceremoniously murdered by Brian Murphy, but it was a candle that smelled like her hometown, but she's
Starting point is 01:27:29 dead now. Jake wrote that one. Corbin A, tried to return an necklace to Venerals and Morin hidden the wall so Corbin kicked it down, take that Morin. Atlas Storm Reaper, Atlas just opened his very own Josh fit, he's not promoting the meal plan, but everything else he's super into. Anyone can open a Josh fit. That's the beauty of a box gym.
Starting point is 01:27:48 Josh Stritch, a super jacked ostrich that has never had jackets, even though they very rarely watch their jock strap. Cameron Mickey, owner and proprietor of McUnild. The only fast food chain in Bohumiya owned and operated by a waken female sheep. EL Dre, Gakae, the Dregor nod, a deep sea diver who spent their whole life training
Starting point is 01:28:06 and mastering breath exercises and still can't hold their breath as long as Moonshine can. Cameron C, the only Buris de Bohemia, has mastered steaming oatmeal, which is good because lactose intolerance is rampant in Bohemia. PJW, a fighter who made a pact with Ilsaid to learn one can trip, sacrificed their soul but can cast dancing lights whenever they want. Damn you are, probably best known from the Bahumi in viral video, Dan Damiel.
Starting point is 01:28:31 Quentin J started the beloved Crick, a tumult tradition of Crick or Creep, and would you go stump to stump collecting crawdaddies in your time out back. Josh S, a crowkeeper who's missing their beloved indoor crow, Kaka. Accidentally left a window open and Kaka escaped, is worried sick because coca is diabetic and needs an owner who pays close attention to it, not one that forgets it for multiple episodes in a row. Dom R, a warlock lamp maker, whose power is their lanterns with dark instead of light, it's really confusing but it makes sense when you see it.
Starting point is 01:29:01 Jeremy B, the scientist who first discovered the use of hollow bodies intended it for good imagining people who were paralyzed or injured could use hollow bodies, pen to tell all confessing that now they see how it's been used, they wish they'd never invented it. Logan C, the opossum veterinarian who, during a routine checkup for soft spots, caught him a lignet tumor in its early stages on paw paw. It was successfully removed and paw paws has been medically cleared for both scrambling and general mischief. Baby Doc, a time traveling baby who works out of a delorean airship believed to have connection to the appearance of one bouncer.
Starting point is 01:29:34 Jennifer V, part of an elite circle of wizards from Frostwin called the Blizzard's. It sounds like they do cool ice magic, but really they just use their arcane to know how to keep the streets plowed. Colin G, the G stands for Claydome, Colin comes from a super-elidious family of high elves, but he's secretly been letting Crick Elves crash in the pool house, Matt H. The giant diplomat who broke her, the peace deal at the end of the giant wars, Bearing tin is the Dwarven teen, who's taken the lead ever since Ruskack emerged, and the crypt telling everyone he was a little bitch.
Starting point is 01:30:03 Jacob J. Abar that uses Mirror Image to turn themselves into a teen idol supergroup, the choreography is really intricate, but the fact that they do it in sync isn't all that impressive once you realize they're using Mirror Image, Destin C. A doctor in Bohumi and not a cleric, actually a barbarian who just went to med school, has no innate magical ability or packs with gods or goddesses, just studied really hard and is good at their job. Devon B owns a genie lamp, which would be super cool in the reality we live in,
Starting point is 01:30:29 but in Bohomia it's kinda meh. Bragg's about the filigree and bevel gems on the lamp, more than the genie itself. Nicholas R introduced Bohomia to Tapr Gens. Everyone's wearing Tapr Gens now, thanks to Nicholas R. And finally, Jack W. Jack W is actually Jack White. Jack White of the White Stripes lives in Bahomia and with that that is the end of our Council of Elders. Thank you guys so much for listening.
Starting point is 01:30:55 They get all of our listeners. They get all of our Patreon subscribers and thank you to all of our Council of Elders. Head on over to the Patreon to listen to the short rest. We will catch you guys next time. Goodbye.

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