Not Another D&D Podcast - Ep. 68: Grave Robbers (The Shadowfell Saga)

Episode Date: July 12, 2019

The Band of Boobs sail to Ember Heaven, but meet some strange folks along the way! Moonshine spies on Galad, Beverly channels his Fire Daddy, and Hardwon gets the boot. Support us at Patreon.com/Naddpod to get access to the after-show and a bunch of other Naddpod content! Get tickets to our upcoming live shows at naddpod.com/live.Music/Sound Effects include:"Shadowfell Sneak" by Emily Axford."Growing Pains" by Emily Axford."Unholy Pilgrimage" by Emily Axford."Drained" by Emily Axford."Tonathan Tinkle" by Emily Axford."The Gunslinger's Girl" by Emily Axford."Conspiracy in the Clouds" by Emily Axford."A Fate Refused" by Emily Axford."A Sign From Melora" by Emily Axford."The Twinkling Lights of Galaderon" by Emily Axford.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgun Podcast. Hey everybody, it's Emily here to talk to you about Adam and Eve. Who wants better sex? And who wants to start having better sex immediately? The best way to level up your sex game is to go to Adamaneeve.com right now. Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item. Plus free shipping, which includes rush shipping. More than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping with rush processing on your entire order. It doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly. So don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off one item, free shipping with rush processing. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adamineve.com and select any one item.

It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter offer code PAPA at checkout. That's www.atamineave.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to the podcast, so be sure to use the code PAPA to get your discount 100% free shipping and get it fast with brush processing. Code PAPA-W-P-A-W. Goodbye, Sweeties. ["Murphy's R&B R&B

Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another D&D podcast." ["Murphy's R&B Welcome back to Bahumia, everyone. Bahumia. Bahumia. Oh. I'm your Dungeon Master Brian Murphy joined by Jake Hurumia. Bahumia. Oh. I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Herwits.

Hard one, surefoot. Emily Axford. Munchan Sabin. Moses with the MOSTIS. Yes, true. Love it. Did Moses part the season? Yeah, yeah, of course.

Okay, cool. Well technically it was God. Yeah, that's true. Moses did it through God, praise him. Munchan just did it herself. No fucking camera. Munchan's God. Moses did it through God, praise him. And moonshine just did it herself. That fucking came from it. Yeah, moonshine's God.

Yeah, no assist from moonshine. And of course, called the old Tanner. Beverly Toe Gold the fifth, Wacker of Kraken, whose ass is lacking. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay, that was good. Thank you. Everybody did a good job.

Oh, J.K. did a no-k job. You did my- I feel like I did stay. I got to solid like see going. That's true. You know what, like see going. That's true. You know what? See average, it's average. That'll get you into you come baby.

You know what about that. I just, let's do a little recap. So last week you guys fought a Kraken. Well, Juvenile Kraken, but still pretty impressive. I don't know. So it's a moody little Kraken. It was. It kind of, you didn't know, pick up on that at all?

Wait, are you just calling it a juvenile crackin because we want it so hard? No, a regular crackin is like, challenge rating like 23 or something. It's like one of the hardest things in the game. I was just joking, anyway. Okay. During the fight, Boundor was dragged into the water

and hard one jumped in after him despite having a weakness to water. Moonshine parted the water and hard one jumped in after him despite having a weakness to water. Moonshine parted the sea and with Beves' help, you were able to save your friends and slay the beast. You found out from a tortured scullywug that the frogman had stolen the town from some rough and tumble humans called the Bastards of Nun who you found captured below deck in the various boats.

You freed them, but pretended that they saved themselves and freed you to give them a confidence boost, which unfortunately worked so well that now they have no idea that they owe you a favor because of that, they charged you for using their boat but still offered to be your crew. Off their shells. Together with the bastards of none,

you have set sail for Ember Heaven heaven and that's where we are now So you guys are on this boat sailing north towards Ember heaven Tess relates to you that the trip will take about a day and a half So if there's anything you'd like to do in that time Let me know hard one has hold up in the Captain's quarters. Occasionally there are bangs on the doors of the crew, rassing him.

They think it's friendly. Oh, God. Hey, Captain Casper, right? That's right. We're all rassing each other. I'll come out in a bit. Their dedication to this goof is impressive. Yeah, it really is.

So you guys are on the captain's quarters with a hard one? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to, I would like to do two things. Okay. One, I'm always practicing reading. Mm-hmm. But then I'm going to use, use some of this reading to try to learn how to make my own spells.

Okay. So I'm just going gonna kind of like play around with some words and some spell components. So sort of like when you're in the kitchen and you got a bunch of ingredients in your kitchen and your fridge, but you don't really know what to do. So you just gotta throw in them and some spice. And just like, hopefully I don't do anything bad.

You put some cake in, you put some batter in the oven and then you accidentally summon a demon. Yeah, exactly. I guess do in our Kanna check. Got a not one. Oh no! Munchang, you like a little kid making potion. You take two damage as you accidentally

shield touch yourself as you're trying to in-chant a potion. And now I'm gonna root through a closet, see if I can find some long sleeve shirts. Okay, like maybe some gloves. How's pop-up coming along? Oh, on the wetsuit. In the roll. Check for pop-up. You Oh, on the wet suit. We roll a check for pop pop.

He almost forgot about the wet suit. So we're here. Uh, pop pop got in that eight. He's still working through the logistics. He's looking at you. He hasn't even touched your material yet. Me here. Me here.

He shows you the sketchbook. Me here. Pop pop, you are getting too hung up on the details. This doesn't need to be a masterpiece. Function over form and situations like these. Pappa curls up in the van and goes to sleep. Oh no.

He is just such a gentle artist. You have to walk around him like you're walking on. There. Can I be like a cobbler elf for Pappa? I'm like, take a look at his designs and help him in the night. Yeah. Yeah. You need to skin the scully wugs.

You begin doing that almost like your problem. It's just corpses. You didn't skin him first. Should I do a roll for that again? Survival like us? Yeah. It's a mine. Okay.

Can I give him a help? I give him a help. us or yeah cool. It's a mine? Okay. Can I give him a help? I give him a help. Okay, thank you. You guys are all working on these pants. That's in 11. 11, okay. You continue to disembowel these scully wugs and Balder goes.

So is a long-term plan for a hard one here to make a scuba suit. Yeah, yeah, that's a way to do it. I don't see what's proud of. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha At least you're saying it all though. Yeah, in the confines of the captain's quarters, I guess my honesty comes out a little bit. Yeah, here's, I know that we want to put up walls, but let's put up four walls around us, go inside, and then let's have a little, a little wall chat, huh? Okay. How's everyone doing? Wall chat.

I mean, honestly, I'm good. I'm a little worried about you hard one. We're all worried. Right. Well, so we're going to meet my mom for the first time, face my most hated enemy, and I'm just worried it doesn't feel like I'm stepping into this battle on the most solid ground. Yeah, but what battle do you step into on solid ground? You never 10 out of 10 You're always working with like seven or eight Right, I mean that's fair. Yeah, I feel like my best battles. I went in thinking oh god

I wish I could do this battle tomorrow because I feel like shit today. Yeah, there's no perfect days There's no but this one feels like the worst day of all time. It's the only thing You say seven or I'd kill to be a six. But did you see yourself up against that crackin? Yeah. You were literally in a terrain that should have been hurting you. And yet you fucked that bitch up and you killed him. Hard one, here's the thing.

Well, that was, I mean, you made all the water disappear and sort of a godly move. Well, that's because you know, you know how to rely on teamwork. Hard one, here's the thing. When I watched you dive off the side of that ship, I knew in that moment that no matter what happens to you, you'll always be a hard one. And even if you find yourself lost, and even if we venture further and further from home, you got to remind yourself of that and we'll be there for you through whatever because in a way you know like we're

part of you now we're part of what hard one is and I don't want to take that away and I never will. Yeah, you know no matter how down I get on myself I never get down on you guys. I'm glad you're by my side. And, Ballin' Order, do you have any words of encouragement for me? Yeah, I saw you just kinda looking at some of the villagers kind of with like a lustful look of... Try lightly, this feels like a could be constructive criticism. No, I'm not, you jumped in after me when it could have killed you.

And, you know, I'll never question your heart. Yeah, you know what, that's something that a vampire wouldn't do, but hard one would. Mm-hmm. You still got blood pumping there. I crossed my arms and front of me for predator handshakes all around. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Wait, while we're doing the predator handshakes all around, can we sit into a squat and then just hold this one? Oh yes, let's do a group squat. Group squat. Group wall sit. Keep it, keep it, keep it. Everybody do constitution checks to see who holds it the longest. Oh man. Come on, I need this.

Balmer only got made. Shout out to the two crews. Hi, shout out to the three crew. Okay, Bev's buns give first his tiny ass, and he goes up, then Moonshan goes up. Balanor is just super red faced, trying to use all of his dad's strength to keep it going, but he breaks before hard one.

I got a 27. No! Oh! Oh! Just when I needed it the most, I don't know who the hell, I don't know what you cast to my ass. Mochine.

Honestly, there's one of the few times I didn't cast anything on your ass. Wait, a few. I fall down. It just legs so wobbly. And then I want kind of like just like you know while we're all having fun kind of just gently to hard one like quietly not trying to make a scene. I just want to remind you not every problem needs to be fixed but if you want I can reincarnate you. I want to die, real bad. Okay, well, I'm gonna take that as a positive because if you die, then I can reincarnate you.

Take it whatever way you want. But no, yeah, no, that's the right interpretation. I really don't want you to want to die because I want you to live so much and I don't want to be alone in that feeling. I don't want you to want to die because I want you to live so much and I don't want to be alone in that feeling. I Don't want to die. I want to I want to I want to live again and I'll do whatever it takes. We'll figure it out. All right Thanks

Killin' galadol help that'll definitely make me feel real. Yeah, for real. Right? Let's get you another keychain Sweet real right let's get you another key chain sweet so you guys travel through the first night you see some of the crew goes off to their quarters and there's like crew below deck and stuff so hard on getting out of focus head out with that I'm gonna be too so I'm the boss but I like to do work I like to work alone you hard one you walk outside you see one guy's like working the sales. He goes, ah, Captain Ardenon, how you doing bud? Good, good.

I salute him, what's your name? My name is Jack. Jack. Yeah. Alright Jack. Good to see you man. Jack, the captain's real busy, man. Okay. Okay. Okay. Jack, the captain's real busy.

I'm sorry, I'm just gonna have to escort you away. Excuse me. Okay. I really goes to help, but then trips on an actual banana peel. Okay. Falls off the ship off the water, crack, crack and grab something instead. Okay. So we're at sea for another day.

Yeah. Okay, then I would like to scry on Galed. Nice, and you have Rosalene, so that'll make it easier. Then I think young Bev, would you lend the light of Polor to some magic? Polor is always down for a rodeo. All right, great. I'd just robe. Okay.

I'd hate robe. I put your vest back on. It's like, oh, I make it except for a vest. It's just somehow seems better. It's disgusting. You really gotta be either fully nude or clothes. So cool. I hope it lends that. You really got to be either fully nude or close

That puts on more clothes and then I'm gonna lay out Rosalene and Grind this bitch. Yeah, let me know what kind of save and stuff if I know the target well. I think I do yeah They get a minus five to their save. Okay. If I have a possession or garment of theirs, it's another minus four. You get a minus nine to his. Ooh. So wisdom saving throw and he has to be 17. A rule in front of Jake here.

I think he pretty much can't do it unless he gets a nut 20. Scry, scry, scry, scry, scry, scry. Shout out to the two-crew. Yeah! Oh, yeah! So this is fucking poetic justice because you were first introduced to scrying through glad, scrying on you. So much on you closer eyes and you trance.

Scry. Scry. Scry. Scry. Scry. Scry, scry, scry, scry, scry, scry, scry, scry. You get temporarily distracted by the scry chant. Oh, I'm the one who's supposed to be scry. Okay, bye. You focus up.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. And you see, Galad sitting atop his throne. He has this throne of bones. It almost looks like the iron throne, except instead of sword sticking out, it's like all different bones looks like from different beasts and various dark monsters. And much like the throne in Galatoron that if you'll remember, it was a top the mountain. So there was this giant glass back where you could see the sky.

You see the blood moon in the distance. This red star behind the glass. And you see Galad sitting on the throne. He has this big sword sitting by the side of him, much like that, that tome that you guys found a long time ago, that evil ill-set tome. It has like faces in it. It's got like black and gray smoke

and there's like faces moving in it. And Galad is wearing like this steel full plate mail with a big black cape. He's got like on his knees are like skulls and on his shoulder pads and he's got a white hair now and blue eyes and as he's sitting there you see one of his knights this soldier in a black plate walks up to him and glad goes, have all of the preparations been made for the gate yet? You see, the soldier goes, yes we should be ready to cast the spell in just a few days and many of the grave robbers have been arriving so they'll be here in time for the meeting

Robbers have been arriving, so they'll be here in time for the meeting. And glad goes, good. And then we'll finally be able to take back Bohemia for the lights. And this guy goes, yes, sort of rough, for the light, without the light and shadowful. And he bows and walks away from glad. You see, glad is now sitting alone in his throne room, atop his throne, just smirking and cradling his new cursed sword and whew, the scryance. Well, we know that he's got that weakness. We got to separate him from that sword. Kidnap his sword.

Yeah. Swordnap. Swordnap. Hmm. Kidnap his sword. Yeah. Swordnap. Swordnap. You've also built in some sort of portal. I guess it's going to Bohumia. He thinks he's getting Bohumia back for the light. Hmm. Did you see my mother?

He didn't see her there. I did not. She can't be far. But honestly, if I had seen her, she probably would have been at his side like some kind of queen and I think that'd be more heartbreaking, right? Yeah, definitely. This is slightly better than knowing exactly what's happening. Maybe. I don't know. Do you want me to scry your mother? I won't be, I won't have as much likelihood of success with her. It's all right.

Do you have anything from her person? Do you have anything that she wore? I don't have anything I have as for my father. What about could I scry on her using her DNA? Oh yeah. I would allow that. All right. I think I could scry on your mom.

Okay. You want me to scry on your mom? If just, if you think that I'm not ready to hear what you see, don't tell me. Okay. But yeah. All right, Alene in real close, And a pick a piece of hair And I do a much more solemn

Same saving for her so she gets a minus 10 at least she fails Okay, so moonshine and then at once I feel it kick in I say bye So, Munchine. And then once I feel it kick in, I say, ba. Ba, ba, ba. So Munchine, you cast Skry on Lydia Stormborn on the widow, on Hard One's mother. And you see that you are once again in this throne room

with Galad, but you don't see her there. Fucking no. Oh, no. Is the sword there? I don't see her, but do I see the sword? You do see the sword there, yeah. There's nothing else. There's nothing else in the room. Just him and the sword.

I come out of it and I say, um, I'm sorry, hard one. I couldn't really get a read. I don't know if it failed or not. I don't know. I just didn't really see anything. Thanks. Thanks for trying. That's all good.

That's all good. Let's keep the boat pointed out. Two points north by northwest. I'm gonna go check the rigging. Yeah, check the rigging. Yeah, I go and stand at the front of the boat. I heard one stands at the front of the boat for 12 hours. Well, he's there. Can I just say Bev? Yeah. I Fibed I

Was it that obvious? How what could I have done differently? Listen, if it were me in your place, I don't think I could have done any better. I know it's not good information, but I'm at least glad that we know it. I didn't, I saw the throne room, but I didn't see her. I saw Galad and I saw his new sword. And I, you know, maybe there's an optimistic world where she has invisibility. She's cast invisibility on herself and she's crouching in the corner of the throne room, but I also feel

like in a world where I'm wearing a man, that's my belly chain, it's equally likely that a man could be wielding a woman as a sword. I see what you're trying to say, but that's not a quiff a couple at all. Beverly's gripping the table really hard. Recall that joke for me. What'd you say?

I'm sorry, I couldn't understand. Are you going to do it with your mouth? Um, what? Alright, you know what? The top half of the frog is still in here. I made frog slider. I'm glad you're having a good day. Hey, I got a formin grill in here.

I got to make it work. I see it in there. It's just on the floor. Come on. I don't have if any furniture let me out. We gotta do it we can. We can. Yeah I'm just saying that in and anything that you can think of that might release a person from a sword. It's time to start stocking those spells or taking that into consideration. You got it. Yeah, can I do like a wisdom check maybe? Or like a knowledge?

Sure. See if I know anything about curses of this nature? Yeah, pender greens, you know anything about this? Oh yeah, well that knob, uh, he just took my sword. Oh, really? Wait, that was your sword with the skulls and the faces on it and it was all great. Yes, an awesome sword. You can like steal someone's soul and then they're like your slave and you can just like

make them come out and do stuff for you, freaking rules. So he probably stole Lydia's soul, put it in there. Yep, that seems like what's happening here. I knew that as well. I definitely knew that. Okay, we're all fibbing today, I guess. Thanks for the assist, Pindagreans. Now, just real quick, do you all think that we should say this to hard one maybe in a couple days right before we land I think we should get him really fired out right before we land with this information okay I think we whisper it right when we're at the foot of the throne room okay cool great do you guys think it was like morally wrong

for me to have a sword that stole people's souls I yeah well depending on who soul although if someone has a ill soul do you really want to be wielding such, you know, energy? Oh, you hear him drop the George Foreman girl on his foot. Oh, fuck. And a part of me thinks we should just tithenic this jewel and toss it off the bow. No, no, no, no, no. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. it. Oh yeah, no, I love good times. I'm the king of Shada fell. I'm gonna take a nap in the captain's quarters. Pop wasn't there any fair. You're supposed to be working on my goddamn suit. Pop turns over and goes back to sleep and parts in protest.

I get no respect on this ship. No respect. Ah! See you guys travel through the first night. As you follow the shoreline towards Eberheaven, the sea is weirdly calm. There doesn't seem to be a lot of life out here. The moonlight cracks through the clouds above. Even the sea itself appears to be dead.

The waves are calm and a slow but consistent wind keeps your ship at a steady pace. The next day you see the blood moon rises for a few hours and you can now see the shore again in the distance. The mass of monsters heading towards Emberheaven is so big that you can see them even from here, even from out on the ocean. You see these tiny dots that must be humanoid type creatures or like goblin type guys. And then you see these bigger, hulking ones who look like giant monsters just kind of plotting along. So you guys are getting close.

So you guys see the sun sets again and things are calm. But as the blood moon rises the next day, you finally begin to see Emberheaven in the distance. The city on the mountain, you cannot see the peak at all. The mountain pierces the black clouds above the rest of the city. It truly looks like a dark reflection of Galatoron. The big curved bridge that takes you into the city is now this yellowish white structure that looks to be made of the bones of Some kind of giant creature the buildings on the mountain have this gothic architecture dark cathedrals

tombs and homes with pointy spires You can see that there are many ghosts and ghouls living in the city just masses of incorporeal beings moving along the roads and is creating an illusion where it almost looks blurry because you're seeing like these half kind of see through people moving through the mountain. And you see that many of the monsters have begun arriving

and crossing the white bridge, but you guys are kind of keeping your distance and taking your time getting around. And you see Tess is taking you guys further out to see so that you can park at this little smuggler's cave. Hey Tess, you need any help with subterviews because being as there is all this sort of blurriness in the air I could throw a little fog on top. I mean I think we're fine out here as far as the if anything's in the sea it might see us but as far as the city the city's far away enough and wonderful. And you guys you guys notice. Spells lots. I'm gonna spell slots. Unlike Glateron, which if you saw it from a distance, you would see ships in the sea all around it. You would see air ships in the air.

You don't see that here. This place is dead. This place is dead. Yeah, this is like undead central. So you guys see the blood star goes down again and it is the second night now. So you steer clear of Ember Heaven, go out a little bit further east into the sea

and test takes you towards where she said like the smuggler's cave would be, where you guys can park. And she goes, it'll probably be a lot easier for you guys to sneak in on some little dinghy or something like that, then to drive a big sailing ship right into town. Dinghy sounds like the thing, yeah. Yeah.

Hardly when he can't help but chuckle. That's what makes you laugh, Casper. She waxes you on the arm. Oh, that's funny too. I pat Beverly on the head. It's a good laugh. So you guys head out into the sea. You see the pale moonlight lights up the water

and you finally see the cave. From here, it just looks like an enormous rock in the water and you steer around to the other side. And you see a wide entrance to this cave. It is a very dark entrance, but you do see a yellow glow deep inside. And Tess, as she starts to steer it around, she goes, well, that's kind of strange. It looks like somebody fucking beat us to the punch. Huh.

That glow's not normal, that's not just like to pass. It means somebody's in there. Okay. Probably some, I mean, it's kind of a- Who else knows about this place? You know, other pirates, other humans, should we try signaling to them?

I can't turn myself into a bat and check it out. Okay, can you. Can you before you after you do that, I'm gonna cast pass without trace on all of us so that then you're a bat who also has pass without trace. Still the ass bat. So bring it in y'all. Bat without trace. Bat without trace. Cool. Sweet. You're on the dinner on the main boat. You're on you're on the main boat. Yeah. Okay. The cave just to be clear, the cave is big enough for you to bring the boat inside. You're just kind of waiting outside right now because you don't know who's in there.

Right. Okay. Cool. Yes. Why don't you go get eyes on it? Huh? That's pretty special. That's pretty unique. Huh? See if the crew can make fun of me for that I turn into a bat and flop away He's a true it. That's a normal thing. He just turned into a fucking bat. He's a true it just a true it Just a fucking flying rat test. I'm gonna fucking lay it out on the table here We saved your fucking ass and then we wanted to empower you so we pretended like we got hit,

but actually we saved your ass. And all I'm asking you to do in return is to act when he comes back like that was fucking awesome how he's working to a bat, okay? I fucking paid you to pile on this boat, but this is where I draw the line. I do a loop to loop. You see, his heat test looks down and she goes deep deep down.

I do the crack it didn't just eat him. I just I kind of just wanted to take you guys for 500 goals. I'm sorry. Listen to us well. Well, you're looking for a W. Okay. Yeah, so when my harmon gets back, unless you want to see what we did to the crack and, you're gonna tell him how fucking cool that was.

All right, I'm dropping battered into the ocean. Hold on, actually, you know what? I write down a bunch of compliments and give them to you. I'm just, yeah. All right, all right. God, you're also sensitive. I'm really just me. Make sure you say a plum correctly.

Hard one. You fly into this cave. I'm gonna roll a few perception checks. Uh oh. Okay. I guess we know how many people are there. I rolled for groups. So hard one.

You fly into the cave. So hard one. You flying to the cave feels like home. You just want to hang upside down. Oh, I see. You enter the cave. You see giant salaghtites hang from the ceiling. You hear a consistent drip from the cave walls leaking condensation into the water below. You see that the yellow glow is coming from some torches

and a fire on the shore ahead. You see that there's a little like beach inside the cave. And no sand, just like rocks, but it looks like there was a camp here. And as you kind of fly closer, staying up near like the stalagite and stuff, doing some cool kind of jet-slalom aerial maneuvers. Fuck yeah. To stay stealthy, you see that there is a boat parked at the shore. And actually go ahead and give me a perception check.

What is a bath perception? Well, your echo locating so I guess it's super high. Oh, to imagine, right? Oh shit, your perception is 11 as a bat. What's 11? 11. Jesus Christ. Oh.

That is a 28. Jesus. Damn, won't be about all the time. You see that the ship is this small sleek sailing ship with nondescript black sails. And as you kind of fly over it and get close to it, you see on the deck. There are deanimated skeletons. On first glance, it just looks like piles of bones,

like this could be wreckage or something, but you see that the ship is kind of well-capped, and you see that the piles are just like a little too neat. Like you see ahead, arms legs, like they're kind of just wrapped up. It seems like somebody could cast a spell and just make them all pop up. And I'll even say with that perception check, you see one hooded figure has just rushed down very quietly, has rushed down below deck, perhaps in reaction to people arriving outside. Okay, so I guess I'm gonna, I've seen all I can have to see here. I'll fly back out and let everybody know. Sweet, heart one, you fly back out as a bat. Do barrel rolls and shit.

You share just loud applause from the whole crew. Holy shit, this guy's a fucking bat. All right, all right. Batman, Batman, Batman, Batman. It's gotta ring to it. That's all right, that works. Oh, shit. Yeah.

All right, all right, that's so cool. Yeah, we're gonna start calling you Bat 10. Bat, oh, I love it. I love a good pun. Yeah, wow. I love a good pun. Yeah. Wow. I really had breasts. I honestly, I didn't hate Captain Casper, but Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat,

Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat's respect. I think so, hard one, you got, you know, things you're looking up. I think I still got it, Moon Giant. I think you do, hard one. I put my fist out to pound down, too. I pound him up, and then I whisper in his ear,

oh, you've got a bug in your mouth. Oh, there you go. I was feeling packaged, really. Understandable. All right, so I let everybody know what I saw in the cave. How many skeletons did you see? How many piles? Alright, it looked like they could have been the crew of the ship or something. They were like 10 or 12.

Yeah, or a lot of dozen. Here's what I'm thinking. The skeletons will need to be animated by someone. If we can sneak in there, toss those bones overboard before someone animates them. Oh yeah, just kick them bones into the water. Just sweep them bones. We all got passed without trace.

Let's go kick some bones. Let's go kick some bones. Let's go bust some bones. All right, yeah, I'll put on my dea to sneakers, getting ready to kick some bones. Hahaha. Cool, sweet. Didn't you time? Did anybody give me stealth checks?

Oh, before we get in there, I want to give something to hard one. Okay. While we had some downtime on the boat while we were driving here. I made you these and I pull out these blood pudding sliders that I made with create food and water. If you're getting a little package I think these will help you out. Thanks, kid. Yeah, turns out blood you can put in pretty much any food. You know what? I'm gonna I'm gonna save these for when I really need them and And I eat one right now. Yeah. Yeah. It tastes, the blood is so delicious. It's almost, it's like you're eating a cheeseburger,

but you only really like cheese, and you hate bread and meat. So it's this very weird sensation of you just being like, yeah, I can still, yeah. Great, Dad, not all at once though. So are you guys approaching are you guys? You guys aren't going in with your boat obviously, right? You're gonna like swim in I guess I'll turn it to a bat again Okay, yeah, I'm gonna do a bat and then

We're going in we're digging kings, right? Yeah, I think We might just swim. Oh, we could just swim. Is that a wild? That's probably yeah as far as far as stealth goes, that's gonna be better. Let's do that. Okay. Cool. So, Balnor joins you guys.

I'm going to, I will just have Balnor share Beves's stealth role, because I do not want Balnor to ruin your time, my DMPC. I think maybe that's how I handle Balnor's stealth from now on. That's fast. He takes Beves's stealth, because he has some similar things. So everybody go ahead and give me a stealth check.

22. 26. Natural 24 Balnor. Let's go Balnor. Yes. Bev also got a 20. But Balnor. But Balnor.

Where did he go? Where was Balnor? Oh? He's just stealthy sweet so hard one you Fly in bev Balnor and moonshine swim slowly Towards this boat you saw a hooded figure going below deck, and you saw skeletons on this boat. You guys don't hear anything as you approach and nothing goes after you.

You guys swim like near the shore and you guys are like up against the boat now. It's a climb time? We climb up. Sweet. Once we start kicking our covers bones, so. Right, yeah, when you guys start kicking, I'll turn. We could also want to toss some bones too.

We could also just sweep all the bones into the bag. That might not be good, because then they could get out of the bag. Yeah, they might like wreak havoc on that, which we have kept in our bag. We have some important shit in the bag. Let's not put the other bag. It's a good bag.

Yeah, we need to get, we need to off on some of those dangerous materials. That's a time for another day. Yeah, yeah, we need to get, we need to off with some of this dangerous material. That's tough for another day. Yeah, okay, so I think we climb up the side. Okay. And then you want to do it? Yep, are we on top of that? Everybody give me athletics checks as you climb up.

21. 23. Sweet, you guys silently climb up onto the deck Hard one are you lowering down his about? Yes Cool you guys are on the deck you guys see all these individual piles of bones You see one is like up by the wheel a couple are down by the sales You see a little door to like a lower deck You see a little door to a lower deck, but up here,

it's full of skeletons, what do you guys do? Can I report or sport something and you aren't gonna fuck me over by being like, you talked too long, you had to make a decision? Sure. What if they're nice? Shea, well if they're nice, they're just gonna be underwater. Okay, yeah, that's right, all right. Should we do it?

First, what if we lock the door, because we saw somebody go in there. Okay. So can we like prop something up against the door to the lower cabin? Yes. I guess he's saying yes too much. We're making some of that.

I like prop a javelin up against it, so that like it's a secure. Yeah, and then. Three, two, one. Kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it. You guys start kicking. You guys start kicking. We're throwing, we're throwing, yeah,

we're just throwing random bones off. You start throwing random bones off the deck. They do not animate, but you immediately cease to see somebody kick the door and it's stuck. They might have gotten the jump on you, but instead everybody's just gonna roll initiative because you blocked the door. Oh, that's smart.

So everybody roll initiative. 10. Seven. Oh, I got seven, too. Roll off. Is that a roll off? Do we roll off? It's gotta be a roll. Roll off. Is that a roll off? Do we roll off? It's gotta be a roll off.

It's gotta be a roll off. It's gotta be a roll off. It's 15. Six. Yeah. Okay, so you guys see from behind the door, you saw that the door had just like jiggled, like it was going to be like kicked open

or something, the javelin is stuck there. It's like your parents are watching, walking in on you and you're masturbating. Yeah, exactly. Give me a minute. You ever, you ever, you try to get into a room and you finish? Yeah. Yeah.

And you see the whole, the whole fucking door just blows off with a fireball. It just explodes open. And the door opens. And you don't immediately see anyone there. That is Balnor's turn, believe it or not. Balnor just looks at you guys and goes, should I go inside?

Hang on to a reaction. Boundor just holds a sword up and prepares a reaction. You guys see coming up from below deck is another wizard in a purple robe with a masquerade mask on. This ostentatious little eye mask with golden black, he looks to be an elf. You see he's got like tight pulled back hair under his hood and he is going to cast chain lightning.

Moonshan, go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw. I got a not one. Okay, so you just take full damage. Nothing, nothing particularly bad happens. So if I have a spell that's a reaction and the trigger is that I take the certain damage, I want to do absorb elements. Sweet. So you are going to take 48 damage. Well, it says you have resistance to the triggering damage type until the start of your next turn. Also, the first time you hit with a melee attack and your next turn, the target takes an extra D6 damage of the triggering type. Okay. The invisible person is going to cast counter spell mother Fourth level what level is your spell? It's a first level you fucking idiot

Congratulations Losing your fourth level spell and all how precious slots are you're gonna have to fucking zealots trans after this fight All right, this is shit talk, I don't even understand. I love it. Were you gonna eyes wide shut these skeletons? Easy, everyone. And you see three more bolts of lightning go out after each of you guys.

Everybody give me Dexterity saving throws. So Balnor and... Ooh. Balnor passes. That's a seven for Bev, 14. Hard one and Bev do not pass. 48 damage. 48.

24 to Ballinor, who was surprisingly dexterous. You guys are right, I'm glad I didn't act hasty. But now I am gonna act hasty. Camille, you have mass mass grade instead of a bitch. And he runs forward and he's gonna take some swings on this evoker. And that is a 18-hit. He's going to hit 11 damage,

slashes right into this guy. Oh no, don't do that. Right, they're gonna hit us for so hard, but they're not that strong. Thou art takes a second attack and he hits. Does another nine damage. Make him quick. Balnor, Balnor is taking it to this dude. He's gonna use his action surge. Natural 18, that's super hits. He does another 12 damage. And he makes his next attack attack shout out to the two crew

He misses on that last one That is Moonchine's turn. Okay. I'm going to Guardian a nature Ask my bonus action so that I get my Advantage on attack rolls And I do an extra D6, but I'm not in fungal form. So Pau Pau is not, I did not have time to do that.

Got it. Now 20 baby! Beautiful. So you're just going after this evoker? Yeah, yeah, the one I can find. Yeah, you run into the cabin, Bounder starts swinging on this dude, and Moonine joins.

32. He is on death's door. He's bored. I'm for Nahn. Munchine finishes. I'm just going to, I'm going to swing him around the room to try and hit his invisible friend. So I'm just, I'm like swinging him around like, like like a like a sprinkler in a field and hoping for an out. Please kill me with dignity. Nah you're useful for me trying to find your

visible friend. If you want to die with dignity how about this? You point you show me where your friend is. I will take that secret to my grave. Alright I, I reach up his ass. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. You pull out his heart through his ass. He dies a terrible death, and you hear a whimper from the invisible person. What? What's your action?

No, you don't. Then on initiative eight, Bounder is having a spell cast on him. You don't know from where. These tricky wizards could be everywhere. Bounder makes a Constitution saving throw and passes, Bounder goes, oh, I felt like I was blind for a second,

but I stabbed out of it. Dang, boy, you are passin', Constitution, you are passin' saving throw today. Yeah, thanks. I'm dying my best. That's what happens when you remember your contacts. That is hard one's turn Okay, there's no wizards around here that I can see you you Know that one came up from below deck. You know that at least two came up from below deck

There visible around here one is invisible and Bound or had somebody cast a spell on him that he couldn't see and another one came up from downstairs that got instantly killed. I'm going to Johnny Boundore. But there's nobody around that I can set, not that you can see right now. Is it, can I pull the audience around the table? Is it smarter for me to hold a reaction or swing while?

I think hold a reaction, right? Because then once we get them to once we flush Him out you can just laugh. Yeah, I wonder because if he throws like a fireball or something could he like hold a reaction till he sees like an eruption or anything like that Oh, yeah, okay, I'll allow that all out to do like a dex check to see if you're quick enough to see where it came from yeah Okay, yeah, then I'll get into a really low crouch and hold it. Sweet. All those wall sits are paying off. Wow.

Bev, that is your turn. I mean, should I just hold a reaction to? Yeah, that's a good idea. Okay. That'd be fun if they like go to shoot something and both. You guys just come down with your weapon. All right. Here's what I'm going to do.

Okay. I'm going to go back to back with hard one and also hold a reaction. Sweet. I see if you can match this crouch. I feel like I can. I can. Somehow despite being a halfling,

I can't match the crouch. He's so low. Okay. Your tailbone is like kissing the ground. Bev holds a reaction. Hard one and Bev are like out on the deck. Boundor and moonshine are like in this little room with stairs leading down to below deck.

moonshine, you see another mage pop out from behind a corner. Not invisible is going to cast fireball up the stairs at you in Balnor. Go ahead and give me a dexterity saving throw. Oh yes, bitch. 23. 23, okay. And Balnor, shout out to the dookers. So Balnor will take full damage. Oh, baly.

34 damage, halved for moonshine to 17, and our poor board, Balnor takes the whole thing. Can he use my held reaction to Misty's step to where I saw that fireball come from? Yes, yes, you know he came from down the stairs. Cool, I do that. Okay, and then I Misty step with my sword out so that I basically like night crawler with it. Yes, you know he came from down the stairs. Cool. I do that with, okay. And then I missed a step with my sword out

so that I basically like night crawler with it. Yeah. So it's just like the sword is in him when I appear. Sweet. Go ahead and make an attack on this mage. Bev, when you appear, you see that there is another mage down there with him. Oh, there's two mages.

Yeah, cool. You see it just as you go down. You see below deck Looks to be Where they were hiding? Oh? They were just downstairs Great sleuth and gang we found them was there not an invisible one up there. There's a couple invisible ones at least Oh, oh, I thought well, we got a mages of plenty Okay, that's a 19 to hit. That's super

hits him. All right, great. I'm just going to go all out and do a third level divine smite. Sweets. Are they evil? No. Okay. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, they're not, they're elves. Okay, I think they're not. I think they're not. I think they're not. No. They're not beings of pure malice, but they might have evil intent. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, like just a dude who is bad is not evil. 32 damage on the first attack. Jeez, super hurt. You slash right into him. So this mage loses concentration.

Up on the deck, hard one, you see another, a wizard appears. One of the most bads right at his face. Cool, let Bev do his thing. Ooh, 29, that hits the mage. A, all right, I'm gonna just do a normal attack on this mage. Okay. See what happens? 20 damage?

20 damage. He is dead, finish him. Oh, cool. I like skewer him on my sword and I like take him over to the closet and I hang him on a coat hook. Oh, God. I'm in it like close the door.

He dies a horrible death. And a hard one, you see up on deck, yeah. Another wizard appears. She has like frizzy black hair that's coming out from under her hood. And you see her mask is like more ostentatious than the other ones. Cool. You can't hide in that mask But now we'll fight face to face

I swing my axe at her face. I want a weird jog to do it there. She sounds hot Honestly, she does she can get it for me. All right Try and keep her alive as long as you can you know, I'm not gonna take a swing 23 23 hits by swing. I mean, you know give her Yeah, oh, I knew I know it hurt like later. Yeah, right. No, I saw what you did 11 damage sweet on the first attack Swing the axe again 20 to hit hits yeah, it does 16 damage Jews Final attack

21 hits yeah, oh Yeah 16 damage sweet, yeah, you slash right into where I'm just wearing a robe you maniac You hear that munch on you just wearing a robe I'll use my action search to We talking like we talking like one of those sort of like Silky ones I touch it really quickly Touch my it's like a ballor I Love it. She doesn't want me to touch the robe. I'm so I'm gonna hit her with my axe. Wow

It's been a long time. Huh moons moonshine? 19 hit. 19 hits. I mean, non-canon, I got it real recently, but... 15 damage. Nice. Swing it again. Oh, shut out to the one funds. That's not going to do it. 25.

25 hits. We're 1 inch tall and we're locked up. ones. That's not gonna do it. Yeah. 25? It's. We're 1 inch tall and we're lots of 17 damage. 17 damage. Okay. Is the link killer?

Looking pretty hurt, but not bad. I think she's like the bad one. She's tougher than the other ones. Got it. Okay. This other one is Delivered a mochan. That is down there with Beverly. Take me to your carnival.

Of despair. These people are freaks. I like it. Except I'm killing them. I'm just letting you know this could all end if you have sex with my friend. We don't have to have sex. That's kind of an emotional commitment. I'm just letting you know this could all end if you fool around with my friend.

Trust me, she can get you there without it. Just some mild tweaking. I've seen it. I've witnessed it. I wouldn't wink at the lady I'm with and I've learned from it. This dude's just gonna do a fifth level fireball on a bed. Oh no. Bedfield. Give me a on a bet. Bet good. Give me a deck save.

Oh, mercy. Okay. 12. Not gonna do it. Eesh. I'm it. Hmm. Fifth level.

I'm right. I'm right near you. Okay, okay. 39 damage. Okay. Wait, was that a fireball? Yeah. I have resistance to fire.

Do I have resistance to fire damage? She take half of that. Haha. 39 you said? Yeah. I just like brush my shoulder off. The imbers fly off. Ha ha ha. And then I like am crying a little bit

because it hurt a lot. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm trying to look cool. You do. Is that how you got? Ha ha ha ha. We cooking some more.

Is that part of Carnival? Ooh, yum, yes. Ha ha ha. That is... Topsy turvy day quasi-moto? Yeah. Arch mages turn the lady up on the deck with hard one. She is going to cast true polymorph on hard one. Hard one, go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw.

That's the fuck, it's true, probably more good. It's not good. It, lucky's true, by Mark, this is not good. It's irreversible, right? Right. Remember, you have luck points, you have three luck points. But I also have something called indomitable, which means I get to reroll a saving throw. OK, good for you.

I will reroll that 11. OK. And I've rolled a 10. But I have a luck point. OK. So I'll use a lock point. Okay, so I use my lock point 16 to add anything You had your wisdom

I have a 16 you He didn't he doesn't have any wisdom moonshine in the cabin. You see, hard one turns into a boot. I'm sorry. Can I talk? No, you're a fucking boot. You have hard one, you feel like you're dead. You're like, I've just died. Like, as far as you know, she just casts like power word kill

on you or something in your dead. You just like, felt yourself slip away. I've done this before and after you see hard one turn into a boot. Moonshan, you hear a voice in your head. Go be careful around like Bella. She's starting to get desperate, but if she teleports away, you'll be in a lot more trouble. That is Balnor's turn. Y'all, the reports, Boris's hacked. I don't want to share anything you wouldn't share with the world.

We changed the password to 12345 though. Please don't say that out loud. Yeah, I know, I was joking, I was making a joke. This is a performance show. Who are you? You sound hot. Thank you. You guys, you see, it's Balnor's turn.

Balnor is going to go up and charge at the archmage. Takes a swing, shout out to the core four, misses, shout out to the three creases. That is Moonshine's turn. Okay, I'm gonna go up and I'm gonna say La Bella. What how do you know who I am? Because I'm also a very powerful spellcaster and I pick up the boot and I cast greater restoration. So true polymorph is a ninth level spell?

Oh, okay. I will let you roll for it since it's a little unclear. High morph is a ninth level spell. Oh, okay. Okay. I will let you roll for it since it's a little unclear. I'll let you do an opposed checking answer. Okay. She has a plus five to intelligence. You have a plus five to wisdom. I'll let you guys have a good old fashioned knowledge off.

Okay. Okay, knowledge off. Ready? Yeah, I'm in whiz. Come on. Shout out to the two girls. Oh, you get intimidated by the intelligence of, oh, a Crick-El, fuck.

I'm sorry, you know what, I am out of my element. I just want to know what's going on here. I just want to say hi, LeBella. I'm a big fan. You are quite powerful and I would be honored to study under you. Alright, go ahead and give me a deception check. God, why can't I ever lie? To earnest in nature.

16. 16. She goes, how do you know who I am? What are you doing here? You came here and attacked my wizards Yeah, because you're Holden you back You're the star here. They're getting off the crap Someone where she looks truly baffled just like you, that 16 basically got her to just like stand there and be absolutely

f**king baffled. When suddenly you see another wizard appears behind her. This dude is also wearing mask grade mask and a Purple robe and he's got you see he's got those Little circular old-timey glasses that just sit on the bridge of your nose Pinsness. Yeah, is that what they're called? Yeah, Pinsness. I don't know if it's Pinsness or Pinsnay It's spelled any Z but for some reason I thought I looked it up one time and it was Pinsnay. It's France Yeah, Pinsnay. He's wearing some Pinsnays or Pinsnays. It's spelled any Z but for some reason I thought I looked it up one time and it was Pinsnays. It's France. Pinsnays. He's wearing some Pinsnays.

Ornays. We don't know. We don't know. Don't add us. We Google it by the time we... You see, he appears behind her. He also has a familiar on his shoulder. A skeletal cat, like a cat skeleton. Awesome. Y'all they're good, put your weapons down, they're good.

And you see in the moments that you've distracted her, he holds up a necrotic hand and shoves it through her back and pulls out her heart and she collapses. And he goes, sorry about that. Oh, you fucking played me. I'll explain everything in a moment, but one of my cohorts is still downstairs. Oh, so, Bev, that's you.

Nice. You're down here with this one mage. I rush downstairs and then I guess, I wanna see what's up with this guy. So I try to smite's up with this guy. So I try to smite the hell out of this person as quick as possible. Does a 19 hit? 19 does hit.

Great. Okay. Yeah, I'm just going to do like a third level smite. I think this seems like the end of the line here might as well. 41 damage. Bev Finisher. Just in one head. These two mages down here were even more paper thin than the other guys.

I scream, unboot my friend! Reboot my friend! And then I kill them. Sweet, you slashed through him, explosion of holy energy as this mage dies. Bev runs back up on the deck after killing this last mage and this dude with glasses is just holding this heart and he goes, oh well, good job everyone we did it. Or you?

Yeah, you don't get to just group yourself in, well we if we don't even know you. Right. And also, were you speaking in my head? Yes, that was a spell called message. Are you familiar with it? My friend is a boot right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry, it actually shouldn't work like that.

He must be particularly boot like her concentration should have broken. Hard one, you're probably overly depressed from being a boot. So it lasted a little bit longer, but really, once she died her concentration broke and you turned back into a man You have no memory of what just happened, but you just see you are surrounded by dead mages and This other like necromancer guy with this skeletal cat on his shoulder holding a heart What happened Mochette? She turned Belnor into a boot or something you said? Yeah, everyone else got turned into a boob Yeah, yeah, I blocked out. I must have won the battle.

You were so mad at that you just kicked everybody's ass for us. Uh-huh. Yeah, you were a boob. Kicked. Moonshine was a pump. I was a nice espadrille. We were all different shoes. Hard one looks down knowing for a fact that he was the boob.

Nice. Thanks guys. Anyway, I'm sorry for the initial confusion. I was actually one of the invisible mages who came out at first, but I was not trying to hurt anyone. He just conveniently saw us win in the battle and decided to switch sides all of a sudden. I'm sorry, please let me explain. Look, I am a recent initiate to a group called the Grave Robbers.

Doesn't sound great thus far. They're not good. But it's only you two of us. Let me explain. Okay. They are a cabal of mages all across Bahumia, who are currently working with Galad Rosel, to bring war to the material plane. I am sort of working as a double agent. Okay.

So there are different chapters. I'm sorry that you met me under these circumstances, but I'm actually very happy to see you. It's nice to meet you all. My name's Erden. Hmm. Your cute bone cat is doing a lot of the work right now to make me trust you.

Little bone cat is grooming itself despite of the work right now to make me trust you little bone cat is Gruming itself despite having no hair. That's adorable. That's bubbles. Okay, the name is helping. Yeah, bubbles is cute I also have a bird I remember ram as well. It's nice. Oh, where's your ram? Fine. It's Skipping across you saying that it's fine. It's fine. Just looks into your eyes. I'm a necromancer. I just sense that this ram is dead. You're fucking dead.

You're not mad. Not yet, I'm not. Listen, though, we are all in quite a bit of trouble. These grave robbers, there are chapters in each of the major cities. These folks here were from the Glade Home chapter. They were desperate for a little extra protection and reached out to me because they confused my love

of necromancy for evil, but I quite like the living. That's why I'm always bringing things back from the dead. You're just a freak. They do call me Urdan the Strange. Okay, it's better than Urdan the nasty, but... I don't know, arguably that'd be good too. Yeah. Which I like to start calling me Urdan the nasty.

I'm just rolling around on my tongue, it sounds pretty good. Urdan the nasty. Maybe we can alternate, you know. Urdan nasty. Ooh. This episode of NADPOT has brought to you five bird dogs. They're a company that makes pants and shorts, so no matter where you fall and the age

old battle between the two, you can rest assured that Bird Dogs has you covered. Now we all know when the legwear war begins and we're forced to choose a side, it's gonna be difficult. Luckily, Bird Dogs has made the decision of which pants and shorts to buy a little easier. Bird Dogs stretchy khakis are designed to fit slimmer through the thigh and leg to give you a truly sculpted look. And instead of making their clothes out of restricting cotton, Bird Dog's invented a cloud-knit fabric that looks just like khaki, but stretches so you get a way slimmer fit without having

to sacrifice movement. And trust me, you are going to need all the movement you can get when you and your brothers and legs are out there on the battlefield kicking the shit out of your rivals. So when the lower body battle begins and brother is forced to kick brother, make sure you are wearing bird dogs. To get yours and a free Yeti-style tumbler, go to birddogs.com-slashpoppa or enter promo code papa at checkout. That's birddogs.com-slashpoppa or promo code Papa at checkout. That's BirdDogs.com slash Papa or promo code Papa for a free Yeti-style Tumblr.

You won't want to take your bird dogs off? We promise you. Okay, that's it for me. Go team pants and enjoy the show. Okay, so Erdan, what are these grave robbers trying to do? Well, are you familiar with Glad's plot to bring monsters from Shadowfell to the material plane? Unfortunately, I am.

Yes, well, he's working with wizards like these in Bohumia to pull that off. There are grave robbers in Iron Deep, Frostwind, and Hill Home amongst other places who have set up teleportation circles to help glad bring monsters to the material plane. The plan is to ambush the free cities that aren't under the Alice control. That can't happen. Yeah, I hate that plan.

Bad plan, why did you make that plan? I don't like the plan either. I only joined about three days ago, so they could have a little extra fire power for this trip. I decided to go along because I figured I'd have a better chance of stopping it. These were respected mages of Glade Home. I didn't know who I could trust. I only told one person of the plot,

and they've assured me that they will get the word out to the other cities to brace themselves. But I'm afraid I don't know much else besides that. I'm sort of flying by the seat of my pants here. You're wearing a robe. Right, flying by the seat of my robe. I heard you tell, who's the other person you told? I'd rather not say at the moment,

just to keep them safe. Sorry, little dodgy about who I trust these days. You seem like honest. I do understand that. In fact, that reminds me that I need to be less trusting. So, um, y'all, how do we know if we could trust this guy? I do an insight check. Oh, sweet. Go ahead and do an insight check. He also goes, um, what do you, paladin, go, just cast a zone of truth on me or something. Oh, okay. 16 insight check 16 insight check seems to be on the level, okay? I can cast zone of truth. I guess like if if we have the time I can like pull my spell book out Yeah, I don't think they were we're going into not I think we've neutralized the threat now cool sweet

I will cast zoneone of Truth. I asked for a pellower to pull out a L-shaped sectional couch for us all to sit on. I'll lean back and expect Shark to take the start plane. Erdan sits on it with you. I'm in the truth zone. The no spin zone. As it were.

Truth zone, baby. Here we are, no spin. I miss my dad. I don't think I'll ever see him again. How about you? Uh, you know, I tried to bring my dad back. Um, as a skeleton once, it didn't work out. I bought my cat back, those is bubbles, everyone. Oh, I bought those bubbles, uh, hops out and pop up.

Wee wee! So scared, pop up, so forget. Let's show you hospitality. Pop up, put out the Wilk mat on the bib. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha out the welcome mat on the bib. Yeah. I offer bubbles some powdered milk. She goes at it. Oh, look at you.

I agree lately. She likes it a lot in the powder form. I thought you might miss. Maybe am I allowed to ask questions in the zone of truth? Oh, if you're on the couch, if you're on the sectional, but please. I don't want to probe the person that you are protecting. So I don't want to probe that question, but I want to ask some question, what do you think of theala?

He lets out a deep sigh. I don't like to get overly emotional, but you're the fuck. You seem to wear theala. Theala. Yeah. Fuck, fuck theala, yes. I eat the fuck the olive. You seem to wear the olive. The olive. I'm gonna say you. I'm gonna say you. Fuck the olive, yes. I eat the olive.

And what do you think about Galadro's ale? You ain't some kind of double agent working for him, are you? I very much dislike Galadro's ale. Okay. I offer him a doubt. He daps you up. You see, he looks at you, Moon Shine, and he goes, you're a Crick-El, farch you.

Yes, yeah, Moon Shine's Iban. Yeah. We've had a lot of Crick-Elves show up in Glade Home recently. You're. Oh, you're from fucking Glade Home. I fucking didn't put Tune, who two together. How are they doing? Are people letting them into their homes yet? Is there any sort of exchange program with the students? The Crick Elves are not living in the city yet. There is a contingent in Glade Home that

doesn't want to mix with the Cricks. Suffice it to say the issue is complicated. How do you feel now that we're in his own truth? That makes sense. I think that's delightful. A long time ago, I was friends with Jolene the Green, the Mimma of the Crick. Dear God, are you my fucking dad? Ha ha ha. Am I your dad?

Uh, he looks super confused. You're a fool around me, blah. Did I have a fool around with your mother? What, you're a Crick-Earth. I'm a high elf. Well, I think you and I both know that the Crick and the High-Earth, they mix every now and again. The creek are open to it.

They don't, they're in, well, I guess we see a little shaming but it's only because y'all see so much shaming it. I don't see any shaming it. Did you fool around with Joey and the gray or not? I did not. Okay. Okay. Cool.

Sorry. Mochana, go ahead and give me an insight check. Weirdly personal. Okay, you're kind of just, I don't know if you're relieved or what about finding out that this dude is not your dad. The way that I feel is that that would be a lot to unpack and I have a lot to do before I deal with that. Okay, yeah, we're kind of like.

He can't be hiding anything though. Zona truth. He can't tell lies. to unpack and I have a lot to do before I deal with that. Okay. Yeah, we're kind of like... He can't be hiding anything though. Zona truth? He can't tell lies. Yeah, he's a powerful wizard though, but... He said, and he said, I didn't fool around with Jolene the green. I think this zone of truth is veering into the inappropriate. Yeah, all right, that's fair.

That's true if I ever heard it, okay. Okay. I lift everybody off the sectional. All right, you know, good chat, good chat. I'm not your father. I don't mean to lay that on you and, you know, for, I think all of us kind of wear our heart on our sleeve, so I would appreciate not being ashamed for doing so, but, you you know it was a lot to

think about and I have a lot of other stuff to think about right now so I felt some stress that it made that I may have to deal with that in addition to other things. No that's complete. I'm shocked that that could even happen. It is so difficult for an elf to conceive and Crickles and Hyves so rarely where I come from really fertile stock. You see he nods. Anyways. Our friends in Miracle Baby, okay? And you need to get used to it. You are a man. Thank you, Ben. That is so sweet. That gets a hair to soul. Right, thank you.

You are a miracle, yes. Okay. All right, well, uh, uh, matters at hand. I think that we trust you. Well, thank you. You're a little emotional for me by the way. Trust you. Yes, I'm sorry.

I just had, you know, I came to know a lot of these people over the years and it was hard to reach through her back and rip her heart out. She was one of my colleagues at the university. Honestly, I reached up my man's anus and ripped his heart out through that. You gave him a noble death. We killed about two months ago. You and I went to high school together. That was hard to watch.

I mean, knowing he was a traitor. If it makes you feel better, we killed about 200 frogs earlier. It felt pretty good, but I'm still not 100% on it. Yeah. They're people too. Yeah. They're actually, oh, there's beauty and death. There's beauty and death.

Yes. I agree, I agree, although I tend to think that a natural, you know, the death of a good soul is perhaps a little more beautiful than the death of an evil soul. And most beautiful of all is the death of turning into a shoe. You would definitely turn into a shoe that, but you did a lot of damage to her and she's a very powerful wizard. Yeah, I mean, super powerful. She turned me into a shoe.

Yeah, I didn't know if that was a thing that could happen. You would have. I would love for it not to happen again if you guys see anybody else too. I'm not capable of that spell. Huh, but you're capable of destroying her heart. So, who does she was already very hurt? So what's her? So as far as how we want to proceed, we should all have a vote, but I will say that we could sneak into the castle in disguise. You see he gestures to the bodies around you of all the mages. The grave robbers are meeting when the blood star rises.

I have a spell that could help your disguises in addition to wearing the mages' robes. Yeah. Kind of all, baby. Yeah. I definitely think so. I would love to wear a mask and a robe. Is it tonight?

Is it tomorrow or not? It's tomorrow afternoon. Okay. It's hard to tell when the blood moon is because it's always kind of late. It's a sort of late morning, early evening. Well, I mean, I guess let's make it democratic. I vote party.

I'll vote the party. Yeah, party. Okay, yeah, I think we're in. I think we're in. And perhaps we should get some rest then before. Yeah. I would like to do commune with nature now. Okay.

So what it is is I briefly become one with nature and gain knowledge of the surrounding territory and outdoors the spell gives you knowledge of the land within three miles of you. Okay. Um, uh, you instantly gain knowledge of up to three facts of your choice about any of the following subjects as they relate to the area, terrain and bodies of water, prevalent plants, minerals, animals, or peoples, powerful celestial, phased, fiends, elementals, or, animals, or people's powerful celestial's phase, fiends, elementals are undead, influence from other planes of existence and buildings. So I definitely want to do influence from other planes of existence within three miles. Sweet. I also want to do prevalent, prevalent plants, minerals, animals,

or people. Okay. And then I think also powerful celestial's phase fiends, elementals are undead. also powerful, celestial, phoenix, elementals are on dead. Moon shine, you, I mean, as far as like, fiends and undead and stuff, they're everywhere. Yeah, I would say ever. Powerful beings, glad is probably the most powerful, but you feel other powerful people around Ember heaven that seem to have kind of an arcane energy, you get the sense

and Erdan can kind of relate this stuff to you too, that there are grave robbers from other cities who have set up their teleportation circles in their cities. So you know that there are more wizards here and stuff and the biggest thing you would notice is that you say communication between two planes. Influence from other planes of existence. Sweet. So I'm kind of looking for those teleportation circles. Okay. So the teleportation circles are in Bahumia.

Here, there just appears to be one gate that somehow the creatures will be like divided through or something but you get you feel the weakest point between the two planes is the archway of the bridge going into the city But as you guys Floated by it, it did not seem to be activated at the moment. And as you're like commuting with nature, it does not seem that a portal is active, but maybe somebody is working on it. So it's kind of like funneling all of the portals into one portal. That you guys don't totally know what's going on, and Erdan doesn't even fully know what's going on.

He kind of got brought on last. So they might be teleporting here, but not creating a portal. The way that Erdan has kind of described everything to you guys, it sounds almost like he was part of like an ocean's 11 heist and one of the guys brought on later on. And he's just like, okay, yes, I'll be a necromancer. And then just showed up and it's just like, I guess I have to kill you.

Ha ha ha. So he's not in unlike the full plan. Okay. Cool. How long does that take? One minute. Oh shit. It's a super fast ball. It's where you just get totally naked or just lying down face first into the dirt.

I'm just going, coughing in the dirt. It's cool. She does this a lot. It's a real quick F. L or so over here. So you guys wave and test and your boat and you guys pull into this little cave and you guys are you guys are You guys are you guys gonna kind of rest here for the night? Yeah. Yeah. Now that we've got them to help people Watch it seems good. Yep. Sweet You see as you guys are getting ready for bed,

a hard one brings out his coffin, starts getting it ready. Balmur is doing a little light reading. You see Erdan comes up from below deck and goes up to you, Moon Shine, and goes, Moon Shine, could we go for a walk? Yes, sure. Uh, excuse me. Trying to breathe with me, are you?

Great with you. I know. Oh, great, great. So, I don't see you as some kind of like life stock or something. Go, go, what's up? Right. So, he walks with you down onto this little rocky shore. Mind if we make it a power walk? I gotta get my steps in today. Right. We can make it a power walk. He power walks with you.

And he goes... I... I'm not your father, but... I think I might know who he is. And I wouldn't be telling you this right now except I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and I don't know if I could focus on the mission if I wasn't completely honest with you. Okay. There is a wizard in Gladehome who was my best friend for many years. And he and I, were came up in the university together.

We were both very ambitious. And he was a very powerful wizard who was on track to become the headmaster at the university. And around 30 years ago he met your mother and they had a bit of a trist and his family wasn't happy about it. A lot of the other hiles didn't approve of it. And I was his best friend, and I knew your mother, and your mother came to me and asked what I thought she should do, and I was afraid he might run off and throw everything away. I didn't know she was pregnant, but I told her that I thought she should leave. And I'm part of the reason that you don't know your father and I'm sorry. I didn't, amongst the correct folk,

we don't place a lot of emphasis on biological parents in general. We sort of prefer the chosen family, rather than the family you were necessarily born into. So I did not grow up with he didn't shun her because I don't want to think of my DNA swimming around inside me being mean to each other. No, in fact, I don't think he knows you exist. In fact, I know he doesn't know that you exist. And I think Joly thought she was doing him a favor by disappearing, so I... What does he think now with the Crick folk outside? sad. His father is a good person and an open-minded person, but he's torn. He hasn't been using

all of his influence to help the Crick people because I think he harbors some resentment. He is a very powerful wizard though you come from good stock so sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I was forgiven. I think we're all processing a lot right now. So I'm just going to go ahead and put all this information on my emotional back burner and just sort of let it really boil down to something really flavorful. Right.

Again, so sorry. Yeah. I appreciate that camp out on the rocks I mean I don't need you to punish yourself like a dog but I feel like I could okay I'm not gonna stop you yeah I don't I don't think you should. Yeah. All right. Well, good night. Good night. Sweet dreams. You know, now that you've unburdened your conscience.

Sorry, I didn't, I thought you'd want to know. No, no, I know I'm being hard on you. I appreciate it. Oh, it's okay, deserve it. Yeah, it's so cool, great. Ah. I guess I'll see you at breakfast. Would it make you feel better if you borrowed my cat? Moonshine person to tears. I think it would do me just right. I think, yeah, get over here. Bubbles, it'd be good just to have a look.

Erdan hugs you, and Bubbles begins grooming your hair. Oh my god, you're the bony tongue. Oh, molora. Death is a beautiful thing. Well, good night. I'm gonna go sleep in the fetal position. Erdan goes his way. I walk two steps into the cave

and then crawl into a fetal position and just cuddle with the cat. Oh, whoa. So everybody goes to bed in there, separate places or what are Bevin' Hard one doing? I burst into the cabin and say, Hard one, we're halfway done with a wetsuit. We're here.

Fuck yeah guys, go get it. The legs are not the same length, we are working on that. I'd tap up, and then pop off. How you doing otherwise? If you see a moon shining around, me here, me here. You see Papa feel sad.

Me here, me here. Here, me here. Papa just bursts in its ears. She's coming back. She's coming back. I tussle his hair. She's fine. She's okay.

We don't have to do the wetsuit anymore if you don't want to. Fava looks out. You're not in the ship, right? Yeah, I walked into the mouth of the cave and then just curled in a fetal position. Papa, I'm going up on the side of the ship. It seized Boone's shine down below, cuddling with the cat in the fetal position.

Oh, he just goes, we're here. I hear him, I feel him. Papa, get down here, mom and me, you. We're here. Get down here. I throw up a little grappling hook so he can tie us down. Papa looks hurt for his neck and a betray. Like he might turn away, but then he can tie her up down. Papa looks her, for his neck and a betray. Like he might turn away,

but then he can't help it. He does, he wobbly does the tight rope and goes down to you. I cuddle him. Snuggle up, little one. You cuddle up with all the little familiar. Should we go to hard one? I think she needs just a familiar touch tonight. Something only pop

I can give. It sounds so sensual. That's like pop I was like sexy 80s music video of familiar touch. A familiar, it it's not oh I see what you mean your touch very good I think if we can see her from the window maybe we just like wave I think I'm gonna give like a I'm good okay yeah you give a bad okay son yeah oh yeah yeah I do an okay son too, but it's just like the circle and then a middle finger. It's just, it's not okay. It's not okay, okay son.

Objectively bad. It's just a claw. I think I'm gonna, I am, it'd be, I'm gonna, hard one's gonna walk to the front of the ship with my dad's hat. Mmm. And I'm going to say to the hat. Um, dad, I'm sorry.

Sorry, keep on fucking up. I'm a vampire. I'm boot. I'm a disappointment. Um, but if you're listening, if you're out there, I know I screwed up, I put mom down here. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get her to free her, even if it means I stay in Chattelfel. Go ahead and make a religion check with advantage.

Oh my God, that did. 17. 17. Hard one. You haven't seen any weather, everything's been super calm, but in the deep distance, you see a lightning bolt come out of the sky and a few seconds later thunder.

Fuck yeah, Pop. And that's where we'll end our session. Oh wow. Okay, so we go to a masquerade. Yeah. Honestly, I've never got a ball. I feel like we all need to cuddle animals tonight. I know.

Yeah. No, you do not get to cuddle anything. I know, I have one of you. All right. Have you had any feelings about pop-up, like you want to suck his blood? I don't know, I don't think so. No, I mean, this first animal animals aren't particularly appetizing to him.

It's like, yeah, he wants to eat people. He eats the rats to get by, so Papa doesn't look that, Papa doesn't look like a snack to him. It's a great question for the short rest of us. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, save them. Cool, guys, thank you for listening. If you want to listen to the short rest,

go on over to patreon.com slash nad pod. That's NADD, D-P-O-D, don't sing yet. Guys, we got some stuff to plug. We have a bunch of shows coming up, everybody. Go to nad pod.com slash live. September 10th, we're gonna be in Atlanta. September 11th, we're gonna be in Philadelphia. September 12th, we're gonna be in Atlanta, September 11th, we're gonna be in Philadelphia, September 12th, we're gonna be in New York,

September 13th, we're gonna be in Boston, and September 14th, you're going to be in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, baby, oh, Steve's. So it's gonna be the Nannerfly Effect tour, we're gonna be doing what could have happened if some roles were different. I like to call it a Who's Who, What Ifs.

There you go. Oh! A very little Who's Who, What Ifs. I'm good. God damn, that's the poster. Who's Who, What Ifs. Brilliant. That was really good.

It's sad because it was so easy. That was really good. That's gotta be a teacher. The magical mystery tour. Is that like kind of what the poster is going to look like? A little bit. Yeah, I like that. A little bit of that thing.

Yeah. Let's just design it on a short rest. Cool. Guys, we'll get some other things to plug. Get me an Emily's book. Hey, you up. How to turn your booty call on your emergency contact. Available on Amazon and on Audible.

Also, our sketch show, Hot Date, is on Netflix. Called, oh, what do you have to plug? Oh, here's some news. Cartoon Hell has concluded for now. We just finished season two. So if you go to signup.dropout.tv slash nad pod, you can check out both seasons of Cartoon Hell. You can just get a preview.

You can watch them all in one go. It's a lot of fun TV for you to enjoy. Oh, I like it. Yeah. Jake, you got anything? Brother, sister, beard oil. Okay, brother, brother, the sister, mister, brother, sisterco.com, get my oil, put it on your body

and your face, thank you. Would you say that it's as good as bebs oil? I would say nothing's as good as bebs oil, but my oil, it is at least real. You can really buy it. Bevzoil can't be bottled. If you were to be grasped by a large cephalopod, would you be able to escape using your oil?

If you were coated in sister mister, you could squirt right out. Oh. You heard it here first, man. Sister mister makes you squirt. Nice. Guys, follow us on Twitter at CHMurf is me at calledy's call to the Aliexford Demmily at J.Curveets is Jake and

tweet about the show using hashtag NAD pod that's N-E-D-D-P-O-D. We are we are the youth of the nation. We are we are the youth of the show, everybody, and that means I need to shout out our benevolent council of elders, starting with Brad D, the only pebble pot that isn't Craven. Once did mushrooms with Denny and spent the entire trip trying to convince him that his feet were still there. Jeloma, 72, aka Steelbreaker, Hardwan's Gimpseration, worked out so hard they'd died, but then got reincarnated as a Goliath, so now they're twice as buffed.

Dylan B, a sword-wielding wizard surrounded by a floating army of blades at all times. Unfortunately, the blades are all letter-openeres, but fortunately, Dylan gets a lot of mail bills mostly, but still. Danny P. Bohumi's resident artist, painted hard one senior portrait at the dwarf image, also painted the fight in Polore mascot on the gym floor at Bebs High School, gotten trouble because it was too sexy. Spencer Caskbrew, patron elder of libations, ale maker to gods, and heroes of Bohumi A like, created a bud

heavy soda dance bound or could only drink three before getting the spins. Beard man Dan, the longest beard in all of Bahumia, if Dan wanted he could cut his beard and make a belt for everyone in Bahumia, just something to think about Dan. Scott D, a grim hawk citizen who made a fortune selling bottled blood to all the monsters making their way to Ember Heaven. Hermes W. the Bat King summoned Bat Kong, a guerrilla-sized bat in an attempt to defeat hard one. Unfortunately, Bat Kong was instantly distracted by all the bananas Biff slipped on. Spartus, a warrior skeleton with disgustingly thick bones, they look like if the Michelin

man was ripped. Their secret? Muscle milk baths. Atomar, the R-rated assassin, does rails of cocaine off the corpses of their victims. Atom got a bad case of typhoid as a result, but it looked pretty metal so it was worth it. Danielle, the Dasterly Dame died and went to Mordyn's fords just so she could introduce Gemma to JV. Hugh C, aka, Heldor Frostback, MVP of the Giant Wars, Crit on the SS Stormborn, and fought alongside Elias and Red, hung out in the kitchen with Dead Eye during a party on the ship and still talks about it to this day.

Daniel U, aka Multifor, Fun Fact, you can defeat Multifor by showing them a mirror. They'll keep spinning around trying to look at all their faces and eventually get dizzy and pass out. Jordan DJ, Legendary DJ of the Realm, their trap remix of B kind of scully wugs is currently number one on every chart in every plane of existence. Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fiorid, born of the sword, and owner of a Ford. That's right, Jeff just bought a focus, and yes, they sprung for the leather interior, smart move, Jeff.

Cutter W, a high-off dandy turned-cricked architect, recently started building ranch-style stumps, which is actually just a normal stump that comes with a cow inside. John S, aka Super The Mushroom, just saw mid-summer and was a little miffed that Ari Aster didn't contact them for the mushroom scene. Ryan M, hard ones Ram, who survived being devoured by hard one and has now become a rampire. They have all of hard one's strengths and none of his weaknesses. They are the day trotter. Alain Acy, a mutated merri person living in the waters of Shadowfell strangely enough, Alain

looks exactly like the Starbucks logo, but with way bigger teeth. Michael McD, head mixologist at the Blumana Inn, currently serving a drink called the Scullywug, which is just a tiny enchanted whirlpool of rum garnished with a whole mess of frog legs. Andram wields the longest sword in all of Bohemia. It looks like three of Sephiroth swords taped together because that's exactly what it is. Victor T. Boundor's boy, whose loving dad was ripped from his family and transported to another world. What will happen if Boundor Prime meets Bohemia Boundor? You'll just have to read our 200-page movie script to find world. What will happen if Boundore Prime meets Bahomia Boundore? You'll just have to read our 200 page movie script to find out. Just an eye, Pendergost's running mate in the upcoming election, their slogan is, We've put all your problems in a building chain.

Jacob C. a Mind Flayer who does psychic damage by forcing you to think about watching porn with your parents in the room. Elena M. the wizard who installed the rune towers around Bastard's Cove couldn't get the settings quite right, so there are unfortunately a lot of physically traumatized squirrels twitching on the ground outside the gate. Mick Puck's the amazing code master who programmed our website also invented the scrying spell which they intended to be used as more of a baby monitor, unless of a privacy invasion tool.

Tragic. Erlin Kathleen L, a pair of married scullywugs currently swirling towards each other at the bottom of the ocean, their last words were, This is poetic a shits! Jive G wouldn't puppet that came to life Pinocchio style, Jive fights by lying a lot and using their nose as a bow staff. Jostritch, the Joc ostrich, basically like hardworn except they were the only bird at a human orphanage or orphanage as they're more commonly called.

Damial R, Ram Daniels evil twin, hardwine is hungry and he's coming for you, damn you. Jennifer V has a V even more vicious than Cobb, their secret intense diarrhea from too much crick water. Destincy and Asimar, who hears the pickup line, did you fall from heaven? Every time they drink at the Blumana Inn. Devin B, the bodega lord, their paldrons are made of baloney, their gauntlets, cheddar cheese, and their breastplate? Well, that's steel, because otherwise they'd get stabbed. Sergio Salazar Salaman Sarkaris de Sekwani, 7th of his name, a sexy Peruvian snake folk, with sweet snake patterns on his skin. Sergio can steal your heart, or your head,

which is particularly impressive because they wield up piercing weapon. Michael L, the fastest gnome in all of Bohemia, as soon as you hear the t-hee, it's already too late. Sam H, Lannis's dealer, Sam accidentally became a fifth level wizard from Lannis hanging around their house so much. Tray Le, the cray-fay who eats Lays? That's right.

This sweet summer eladrian is trapped in a demi-plane built entirely out of potato chips. Eren G. Master of the banishment spell, the evil wizard who banished Traylay to set potato chip plane. Joriasa jacked wizard. Jorias so jacked, they can't lift their wand above their shoulders and are frequently bullied by the other scrawnier wizards. Alucard, a reverse Dracula. Alucard also summoned Ryan the Ram, but only to love and cherish him. Baby Doc, the only doctor to ever perform their own C-section, also the only doctor to ever

be sued by POP-POP for botching their own C-section. Atom H, the most jacked gnome people would think it's amazing, except they usually just mistake them for a dwarf. Ryan, hard one's Ram, after being viciously attacked by hard one, Ryan turned to the dusk mother for help and was revived, and now he wandered to Shadowfell, looking for the master who betrayed him. Big Buck, pregnant Elk moonshine, Zelkinbaby, Big Buck,

also has the wings of an innerfly, which brings up a lot of questions about who their father might be. Richard F, the first person ever climbed to the top of Glateron Mountain, and also the first person ever fall off, Glateron Mountain. Richard X. Mockena introduced the Crick to Chopsticks, or as the Crick Elves called them, Eaton branches. Troy McSee, a chosen celebrity who was recently photographed, checking into a rehab facility

for milk addiction. Cannibalistic Cthulhu, the loving parent of the juvenile Kraken who tried to kill the band of boobs, where did cannibalistic Hulu go wrong? Sam L attended the first jamboreen and ate so many cupcakes that they threw up, Sam L needed a private chaperone to attend the second one. Dom R, a soda genocid, Dom will entice you with their sweetness, then clobber you with their slam attack for 10-d6 of damage. Josh S, the revived cyborg version of Josh the cobalt.

Unfortunately, the cyborg parts do mean that Josh is no longer natty and has been banned from all late-lifting competitions. Blitzbriggs, Dmitry, owner of Dorgers Big Borgor, the new Rad Borgor is even more disgusting than it sounds, it's made of rat shit. Nicholas C has started every single movie ever made in Bohemia and Nicholas is prepping for their role as Munchine in the upcoming Band of Boob's movie, but it's still negotiating how much extra they'll be paid for all the nude scenes. My gage, the greatest bassist in all of Iron Deep, keeps the walls of the mountains bump

in and the dwarven feet thumpin'. Kevin asked a defendant at the Cric who lost a trial by Rattlin and was sentenced to 32 years in the time out back. Matthew E, the possum professor who taught Papa had a lawyer, but more importantly, how to live. Samuel B, a clockwork robot who longs to be a real human, chin up, Samuel, being a robot is way cooler. Till for G, author of the hit children's book

and movie, Oafgar goes punch, also the writer of the way less popular, Theologos God, and kills everyone. Curtis S, a long-known proud protector of the patio and guardian of the garden. Golden Bee also has a skeleton cat, but theirs is a dancing skeleton cat. Take that, Erden. Yens Christian T has so many trinstagram followers they've started turning down sponsors just to keep the content pure.

Gage M, a frost-want teen dwarf who's actually a goody-two-shoes doesn't skateboard and the only thieves guild they hang out with, is thieves of the heart their monthly Sonic Club. Ayrons Sea, a furball, grog who is so cute and cuddly they will steal your heart and also your Rolex dam that was a nice timepiece. Montana Monarch, the only monarch who migrates north during the winter, that's right, they're chasing that chill. Bring on the polar bear plunges. L.N.D., the fiercest woman in Bahemia, once shot Olcobs, romantic advances down with a literal

shotgun. TGM, the gnome barbarian whose brethren were savagely murdered by the band of boobs and crag water. Unlike other gnomes of Bohemia, TJ has a strict warrior's code, which includes daily washing of their armor. RPKB, R2D2's less helpful cousin, can't store plans for the Death Star, but can defrost a chicken, okay fine, there are microwave, but a talkative one. Taylor S, aka Trass the Traveler, has every page in their passport stamped, but more importantly,

has every Disney character signature in their autographed book. Anime intellect, Bohumias first blogger, and Bohumia blogs are just collections of stones that scene by an airship spell out a message. Zolo Dolo, a cleric who specializes in midwifeery and runs a five star business under the name Zolo Dula. Joshua C, a professional bobsledger in Frostwin, takes a bobsled to work, then you know what? Bob sled some more.

Larissa J, a free fairy who assassinated the troll king, Arya Stark style, instead of Dragon Glass, Larissa used a jagged dagger of rock candy. Dylan Cm, the wannabe DM, more vicious than daddy Murphy and trickier than donk called well, all of Dylan's PCs are vampires and most of Dylan's villains vape. Kill the noodles, the pasta elemental, as a bonus action pasta elemental can produce an elegantly plated, cuprisi salad. Be money, banners, hip hop alter ego, just drop the friggin' song in the summer, momeo nuts, mow problems.

Andru A is a mage, uses greater invisibility for their private cries, moonshine can't wait to learn it for that reason. Jay, a boot who got true Polymorph didn't know an insecure vampire, a mere image of hard one. Heartless Master has no heart, but they do have a super heart 2.0 manufactured by Duttle in Esri, which lets you feel every feeling at once. CC Lulu, Blavins favorite bartender, mostly because they're the only one that hasn't kicked Blavin out.

Paul B, a mage who uses true polymorph to turn their flip flops into boots when the terrain requires, then into slippers when it's time to relax. Barnes & Aitor, Keychains Keychain, mostly just a lucky rapid foot and a CVS extra care card. Shane M, the Calvin Klein of Bohumian, Scullywag Scuba Suites, if you're getting married, you're getting a Shane M Scuba Suit. Yasmin, the Yasminian Devil, Akira try to recruit Yasmin, but end up chasing them into a fake hole into a wall. Ouch. Trigger Happy, a ranger whose bow is made with the bones of their enemies.

Violin bow, that is. They are also a beautiful string musician. Eric G, a rat-folk runway model who's heard lore of Pop-O's runway prowess and is looking to stage a walk-off. Jackalope, oddity, the proud leader of a noble battalion of warrior skeletons who wait, nope, someone came along and kicked their bones now at the bottom of the sea. Zach, C, and Evil Mage, who also had greater invisibility, but used their turns to tie the boob shoelaces together.

Aidenar, the only green team greaser than Beverly, their aura is so powerful that give their enemies plus 4 to saving throws. Jeremy are the bartending assassin for the SS Stormborn once used their bar back a young vinerd as a strangling instrument, something vinerd lives with to this day. L.A.K., a wizard whose fireball spell produces actual fireball candy, which is actually hotter than fire, because it's so spicy. Luke H, a tan vampire, or a tanpire, hard one is incredibly jealous and wants to know where Luke gets their bronzer. Ritterand, Kakao's new master, Ritterin recently asked Kakao, tell me who you admire most

in the world and Kakao's guacht, hard one surefoot, friend animals and lover of all creatures. I'm hopeless, I'd down on their luck adventurer who moved into a crick-sized stump only to find out it was just a huge mound of dried out bullywugdung. Now that's some shitty luck. TimmyR once teabagged Pentecost in college, but Pentecost didn't even care because it was so freaking epic bro crucial prank. Alex M, a Bullywag who is protesting the production of Bullywag scuba suits throughout Shadow Fail not because they're immoral but because they don't work.

A.M.I, the landlord for J.V. and Gemma's new apartment in the afterlife. We heard recently that they sleep in two separate rooms and Gemma keeps a drawing of hard one by her bed. How sweet, I wonder who wrote that one. Cassandra MHP, aka Cassandra Max HP, Cassandra defeated an adult crack in my straight up beating it in a holding your breath underwater contest, but wait, how?

Cody John H, an angry mage who is trapped in a cell in Shadow fell, despite all the rage there still just a mage in a cage. Aaron RS, a skeleton who used to have a boring job on a ship, but now has an awesome life chilling in the sand at the bottom of the ocean. Lucas B, most pockets of Bohemia, Lucas wears cargo pants that have cargo pockets in the cargo pockets. Craziest part, Lucas doesn't use any of the pockets because they have a sick fanny pack. Ruben A, a Fob goblin looks exactly like a hob goblin, but Ruben can access any building requiring a Fob. Ruben can also start newer model drill cars. Jordan L, a tuba player who performed at Gemma and JV's wedding when Gemma requested her

in hard one song and then slow dance to loan, evenV. had to admit that their love was a beautiful thing. Laura S. A boot, unlike Hardwan, though, Laura really owns it and most humanoid creatures wish they would be more boot-like when they see Laura trotting around town. J. Parker, the first player to hit a so-so-sick trick, playing the giant shredder game at Smuggler's Bounty, was later found dead in their hotel room after being pleasure to death by a sucky-bye. Austin C. the Jester Mage after getting a mysterious invitation to a wedding invited his brother to be a plus one. They arrived at JVN Gemma's wedding and they found they were the entertainment.

After performing, dubious amounts of magic he suddenly yet accidentally changed his brother's head into an elephant's continuing on with the wedding he finds the bride and groom are not what he thought confused. He stands in the middle of the ceremony, asks aloud, where is hard one and who is this dwarf becoming the not so literal elephant in the room? Austin M. AKA the butcher known as Bonesau. Austin can cut through any bone and survives on a diet of pure marrow, but don't give

Austin dessert ice cream is too cold for their teeth. Touch it, the only beautiful tree person who got hotter when they were freed from the Bear Princess Spell, they are now Cran and Durlands go to babysitter. Kaley Elise, the honey queen with a heart of gold, Mrs. Toe Gold, only uses Kaley Elise's fair trade honey in her sticky buns and you can taste the difference. Dave J. A. K. A. Bell and the Bard, a traveling Bard that witnessed the moonstone massacre and decided to follow in the wake of the traveling bar that witnessed the moonstone massacre and decided to follow in the wake of the band of boobs, chronically, chronicling their exploits

and interviewing the few witnesses left behind, currently writing the ballad of the Elkin milk mother. Kevin, a traveling doggo man, sir, giving out doggies. Hard one is quite interested in a furry little companion, because he's both lonely and hungry. Dev and W, a traveling salesman in Bahumia, who was selling swords and knives, but quit immediately when Galad asked point blank, can I fuck them? Chris H is tasked with cleaning out the timeout sack at the Crick.

It's dirty work, but they pay a living wage, 25 brown leaves an hour. Shinowa B, a skeleton cat hoarder, has about 100 skeleton cats. They really should surrender some of them, but they're so damn cute. Nick S, aka old Crick Nick, the strangest guy at the Crick, they live in a brick house and wear long pants WTF, what a weirdo. Sam H, the only professional soccer player in Bahumia, a little inconvenient because that means there are no other players, no other teams, but Sam gets paid a shit ton in endorsements so they'll take it.

Quinn G and Elven Ranger, who shoots spitballs instead of arrows, it sounds more annoying than deadly, but Quinn's saliva is quite poisonous. And finally, Jared E. Mima was rebound after she dumped her high-elf boyfriend. Jared was a mulleted renegade who couldn't read her right. Mm-mm, nothing's hotter than that. And that's it for this week, guys.

Thank you so much for listening. If you want to listen to our after show, the short rest, you can head on over to patreon.com slash nadpod. Thank you so much to all of our listeners and our council of elders and all of our Patreon subscribers. We'll be back next week with another episode. Goodbye. That was a HatGum podcast.

That was a Hate Gum podcast.