Not Another D&D Podcast - Hearthside Chat Q&A: Summer Fruit Smackdown
Episode Date: August 8, 2024With Summer in full swing, the Sea-Doo Crew gathers around the beach bonfire to answer your lovely questions. Pull up a towel and hang out for a bit!Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Ly...onSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Thank you, everybody.
This is a HeadGum Podcast.
Welcome to Hearthside Chats everybody. Nice.
Wow, what a fire.
Just get so cozy.
We're at one of those restaurants with like a big pit of like shards of glass and there's a fire popping up.
They do have shards of glass and there's a fire popping up.
Do you have shards of glass in those things?
Yeah, I would call them. They're more like beads, but I get what you're saying.
I know why though. It's to deter people from climbing in.
Oh, that's true. Oh, they had to make them so sharp. Yeah.
Cause they always do look like dangerous.
Emily wants to climb in the fire pit and there need to be shards to keep her out.
You think it's like the little fire from how's moving castle.
And if you eat it, you'll get calcifer.
You think it's a calcifer situation.
Calcifer is cute.
Is this fire going to cook my dinner?
I'm just looking for his adorable googly eyes.
I want this fire to be voiced by Billy Crystal.
First heart side question, Jake, how do you feel about calcifer?
I think calcifer is all right.
Really?
Just all right? Wow. Wait, wait, wait. So you cond about Calcifer? I think Calcifer's all right. Really, just all right?
Wow.
Wait, wait, wait.
So you condone his problematic behavior?
Yeah, I was gonna say.
I was gonna do the same thing.
That's crazy.
I won't apologize for Calcifer.
Calcifer has to apologize for himself.
Okay.
But yeah, you know, I actually, I plead the fifth.
Let's edit out my sayings.
I'm sorry.
He's just a little, he's a little fire guy.
He's cute.
He's really cute.
He's cute.
So he's not problematic?
He's a cartoon.
He's not a problem.
Well, I mean, cartoons can be problematic,
but he's just a little fire.
I would say I feel confident saying there's actually
like nothing problematic about House of Fire.
He doesn't speak.
Yeah, and he doesn't, I mean, I guess he stares.
He stares, but. Does he ogle? No, he doesn't, I mean, I guess he stares. He stares, but.
Does he ogle?
No, he doesn't ogle though, but he just like looks.
I wouldn't say it's staring, it's looking.
So he's good.
Yeah, well.
Really?
Who knows?
Who knows, okay.
We're gonna put a big question mark next to Calcifer,
but we think he's okay.
Which I think I said.
Yeah, what she said, and then you pleaded the fifth, so.
Yeah, then I took it back. Yeah, what she said. And then you pleaded the fifth. So we can move on.
But then I didn't say anything pacifying about it.
Fire is pretty problematic in general,
because if you touch it, it's going to burn you.
And that's just honestly inconsiderate.
And yet we made huge strides as a civilization
when we tamed fire, domesticated fire.
So yeah, it can be problematic, but it's also civilization changing.
It's such a quandary, isn't it?
Such a quandary.
Yes.
Please, let's start asking questions.
And I feel like you get all of that across
with Calcifer's adorable performance.
Yeah, exactly.
The necessity of innovation.
Throw in to Jake.
Yes, everybody, welcome.
This is actually not a hearth side, this is a bonfire.
This is a campfire chat.
We are reading out beach side, creek side, by the lake,
enjoying that summer fire.
These are summer themed questions
from our Patreon supporters.
And speaking of summer theme, surf's up?
Nah, I say Murph's up.
Yes!
All right. Okay. Wow, Murph's up. Yes! All right. Yes!
Okay.
Wow, Murph's up is gonna stick in my head for days.
Murph's up!
Murph's up!
Murph's up!
Okay.
Shane C. writes,
Murph, can we have a Grinch campaign?
What?
Great question.
Can we have one?
Yeah, a campaign?
Yeah, and what do we define as campaign?
I think the campaign has gotta be like 20 to 30 episodes minimum.
Right.
But I think we should do the Bohemia special, 100 episodes of The Grinch.
Yeah, I think it should be longer than campaign one.
Let's have Murph react and then I'm gonna have a follow-up question.
Okay, great. I'm gonna say campaign is a huge ask.
Okay.
So I'm gonna say no.
No. We're not gonna get a Grinch campaign.
However, will the Grinch ever pop up at a live show
or for like a holiday special or something?
I think the Grinch classically shows up
for a holiday special.
That's in the Grinch.
We really have set ourselves up for a holiday special.
Well, the Grinch is, as much as we've brought up
the Grinch in the past, the Grinch has never been as big a part
of this podcast as it is right now in the dead of summer
for some reason.
We really, well, I guess the first surprise round
was when, but it's still like January.
No, no, no, but we started before that
because don't you remember we were joking about
taking him to see the Grinch? Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't that in campaign one?
That was in campaign one. I would say the Grinch is evergreen.
So that was the second heaviest era of the Grinch on this podcast.
The podcast has never been more Grinch heavy.
Can you imagine going to like the paint store and being like,
I'm looking for a Grinch green?
Yeah.
Do you guys have Grinch green?
Arguably Pantone has to make a Grinch green at Yeah. Do you guys have Grinch green? There's gotta be, Pantone has to make a Grinch green
at this point, are you kidding me?
Arguably when it came up in campaign one,
it was slightly more organic because
the film.
One of the new Grinch movies was coming out.
Right.
And so there were billboards all over LA about.
There's a cultural touch point at this time.
The Grinch, it was highly topical.
And now I don't know. Ripped from the headlines actually. Yeah, the Grinch, it was highly topical. And now I don't know.
Ripped from the headlines actually.
Yeah, I don't know what happened.
Emily's got her arm raised.
Okay.
I have a question now.
Yeah, of course.
So there's no campaign.
Maybe there'll be a holiday special.
Aside from that, where do you think the Grinch
would live in Bohemia?
You gotta go frigid North, right?
Oh.
Yeah, that sounds right.
Yeah, or like the mountains outside of Galadarron.
Yeah.
I honestly feel like the Grinch could be just a Gnoll,
you know, he's like Gnoll adjacent a little bit.
If you really wanted to like squeeze it into frigid north.
Bastion was a little Grinch like to be sure.
Oh, I could definitely see the Grinch worshipping Yanoba.
That's so funny to imagine the Grinch religious.
That was why he hated Christmas.
A giant worm like that is basically just a living Santa sack.
So it would make sense for the Grinch to worship it.
Yeah, you're right.
You could also be in the winter court in the Feywild.
Oh, interesting.
Like almost have his own craggy cave in there.
I don't even know that the Grinch would be grinchly
in the Feywild.
The Grinch would just kind of just be like, there's a bunch of Grinches around.
I have thought a fun mixed bag or something to do would be to like take famous characters
like that and then just try and like figure out exactly how to make them in D&D.
Oh, stack them out.
There's gotta be a Grinch stat block.
We all, no, no, no, but that would be a fun mix bag is we all choose a bunch of characters
and then we present them to each other
as how we've created them as a level 20 character.
Level 20.
I do have-
Pop culture PC workshop, yeah.
I've got a Grinch stat block pulled up.
This person's take is that the Grinch
is about a challenge rating five,
which I think makes sense
cause he's just like messing with the who's down in Whoville.
He doesn't have to be like, he doesn't need to be like a freaking purple worm. challenge rating five, which I think makes sense because he's just like messing with the who's down in Whoville.
He just might be like, he just need to be like
a freaking purple worm.
Are you kidding me?
Cindy lose level 10 alone.
Really?
Based on charisma.
Wow.
Cindy goes hard.
Interesting.
Okay, has innate spell casting, spell save DC 15.
Has Bane freedom of movement passed without trace.
Makes a lot of sense.
Once a day, expedition retreat Retreat, Cause, Fear, Heroes Feast
while under the effect of Change of Heart.
Whoa!
Change of Heart.
In a moment of profound resolution to a noble cause,
the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
For the next hour, the Grinch radiates a glowing aura,
casting dim light for 30 feet in addition.
The Grinch gains plus two increase to strength modifier
and has advantage on all strength ability checks
and saving throws while this effect lasts,
the Grinch can cast Heroes Feast once.
This is buttoned up.
This is pretty cool.
This is really buttoned up.
Shout out to whoever made this.
Shout out.
Yeah, pretty sick stuff.
Great.
All right, so that, the original answer of course is no.
All right, sweet.
Sorry.
Noel asked in a Christmas campaign.
I did dive really hard into this Grinch Christmas campaign
after saying that it was a summer themed hard side.
Yeah, that's true.
Summer themed pull up on the beach, the Grinch.
It's still July.
We're still technically in Christmas and July territory.
You know, when you first dropped that question
as the first one though, I did think,
what a great move by Jake.
This is actually gonna come out in August by the way.
Yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure.
Recording in July.
Okay, let's ask a question for the Sea-Doo crew.
That's all of you.
Oh, okay.
Certainly not Brent asks,
there are apparently watermelon sandwiches
which replace bread with wedges of watermelon.
Do you consider this a sandwich and would you try one?
Okay, I just have to say right before we recorded,
I ate a whole thing of watermelon and dear God,
it's a beautiful fruit.
Did you eat a whole watermelon?
No, some cubed watermelon.
Yeah, she ate the rind, she ate all of it.
Well, no, I wore the rinds as a hat.
Oh, yeah, true, true.
Emily rubbed her hands together like a fly and then just dove in through a tiny hole
in the watermelon.
Yeah, I would definitely try this.
I don't really know where I would stand on labeling it a sandwich yet, but I would for
sure try this.
Well, if you think about like a watermelon salad,
you put some basil in there, a little mozzarella,
maybe some feta cheese,
and you like put all of that into sandwich form.
I feel like watermelon mixes with meat pretty well.
Yeah, it does.
And even spiciness, it mixes well with spiciness too.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah. Watermelon does it all.
All right, you get a spicy sopressata sandwich
on watermelon. You wait the ride as a spicy sopressata sandwich on watermelon.
You would have to ride as a helm.
Of course.
I'm gonna be asking for this at the deli every time I go.
I would eat an open face though.
I think I would eat an open face.
Well, now it's getting a little,
now it's kind of not a sandwich at this point anymore.
I don't think it's a sandwich
as soon as they take away the bread.
But do you consider like the KFC double down
with the two chickens a sandwich?
Do you consider like a protein style,
add in and out a sandwich when it has a lettuce bun?
I think it's kind of a sandwich.
I think it's kind of a sandwich.
I don't know that I do.
Really? I don't know that I do.
Protein style, probably not.
What about, you know, is that burger place you go to
that does the like the hash brown patties?
Yeah, yeah.
I would consider that a burger.
I feel like hash brown is like close enough to bread.
It's a burger because it's a patty.
The name burger is describing the patty of meat.
That's true, yeah.
So I think burger can get away with more
than a sandwich kind of.
I love that, I love that.
Interesting.
So I think I'm saying not a sandwich.
I'm definitely eating it though.
I could put like an ice cream sandwich.
I mean, I guess it's like a bread,
but it's not really bread.
The cookie that you get on it, still a sandwich.
I think there's been a lot of discussion
about this online.
But we don't need to get into hot,
is the hot dog a sandwich debate?
But overall, I think if I see something
between something and it's edible,
it's generally like, I don't know, sandwich-esque.
I don't really get it.
Wait, I just had a thought though.
I don't know that I actually would enjoy this because the texture of watermelon, I don't really get. I just had a thought though. I don't know that I actually would enjoy this
because the texture of watermelon,
I don't think the texture of watermelon
with a ton of meat is gonna actually feel great.
I'm not loving this.
This does not do what bread does.
The sweetness.
It's sweet, it's overpowering.
The sweetness of the watermelon could taste good with meat,
but I think the texture of the watermelon
is not gonna compliment it.
It's true, you kinda wanna like cubed up
and then like next to the meat.
Yeah, I can do- Having it all together
is gonna be tough. Oh, putting a little toothpick in,
put a little pers-
Ooh, what about finger sandwiches?
A little toothpick. Yeah, I think so.
I can do it with a little finger sandwich.
Like a little tea sandwich.
I feel like for me, you can call it a sandwich,
but you've gotta like give it some sort of clever spin,
like melon witch or like wet witch or something like that.
Wet witch is perfect.
We solved it.
I think that jumps off the menu.
Yeah, that absolutely jumps off.
Oh shit, they got wet witches here.
The smaller the better.
Cause again, just having like a huge burger
on like a huge watermelon bun does not sound good.
No, no, no, but a tiny wet witch.
Just a little, some cold cuts on there.
Oof.
Love it.
All right, we figured it out.
This next question is for Emily Axford.
Wait, I'm sorry, scratch that.
It's actually for Swimily Waxboard.
Whoa.
Danananananana.
Swimily Waxboard.
My surfer name for when they try to bully me off the ocean.
This is the sequel to the greasers question,
where you get adopted by a group of
surfers. Courtney M asks question for Emily they mean swimmily of course. How do you develop your
accents for your nat-bot characters and do you ever get quote stuck in an accent after recording?
What's your favorite character accent so far? I think that I have the most fun doing Fia,
just because I studied in Eastern Europe.
And so it's like, I really feel so much affection.
And how do I do it?
I usually find a very specific person.
I find that people's individual accents
are way more idiosyncratic than broad,
than like the broad impression of it.
So I always try and find someone with like a couple idiosyncratic than broad than like the broad impression of it. So I was trying to find someone
with like a couple idiosyncrasies or has some words that they that I think are adorable the
way they say. I think the thing I like about Fia so much is like there are just like normal phrases
that get like totally transformed just by the accent like girl child. Oh yeah that's yeah. I
think I like a lot of Eastern European literature,
so I feel like there are just some phrases
that really stand out in that,
as being unique to Eastern European literature.
And girl child is one of them.
So yeah, I think that's my answer.
Sorry if that was too sincere.
Also, I'd love to do a Grinch campaign.
I think it's my answer. Sorry if that was too sincere. Also, I'd love to do a Grinch campaign. I think it was perfect.
Let's hop back on that C do.
This one's for the crew.
Jeremy S writes, what is your fourth favorite
ice cream flavor?
So they don't want one through three.
They're not interested.
Beautiful.
Four?
That's a great question.
Okay.
It's really hard because four is you're getting
into ice cream
you don't even like territory, I think.
And my pal is a terrible.
I guess like strawberries, probably my fourth favorite.
You know what you're getting into is
you're getting into the thing that like
when you're at the fourth day at the beach
and you're like, I'm kind of sick of ice cream.
Okay.
Because even when you like go to pick up ice cream
for a party or something,
I feel like you're only getting three.
Like maximum you're getting like three pints
or three gallons, or three gallons is a ton of ice cream.
But like, you know what I'm saying?
Like you're getting like three containers of ice cream.
Three, six gallons, something like that.
Creating a gate raid.
For your small family.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm thinking about you coming,
showing up with three gallons of ice cream
and me looking at my freezer being like,
what do you want me to do with this?
I'm holding them like a six pack.
Just a six pack and three gallons of ice cream.
The party has arrived.
I don't know, I'm kind of a sherbert guy to be honest.
You are.
Whoa.
The man.
That's like the ice, like the sweeter.
Yeah, I guess that's technically not even like cream,
but I'm gonna count it as ice cream.
Like a rainbow sherbert?
Or like a single color sherbert.
That's very Jersey, I think.
Raspberry sherbert and stuff.
Okay, wow.
Demand loves lemon.
Yeah, I do love lemon.
If lemon's on the menu, Murph is probably ordering it.
That's true.
Isn't that so unexpected?
He's sour and sweet, it checks out.
Which is interesting because if you make me choose
between M&M and Skittles, I'm going M&M's every time.
Huh.
Not even interested in a Skittle.
I actually have a really, I think that probably
like my fourth favorite, right?
Cause it's something that I never get.
I don't dislike it, but I don't gravitate towards it
is chocolate ice cream.
Just straight up chocolate ice cream.
I don't like it much.
Sometimes it's just like too much of like,
it's such a intense taste
that sometimes it's like almost like boring to me.
Yeah.
Strawberry for me is just off the podium.
Strawberry.
I wouldn't, I'm not gonna mess with it in a Sherbert.
I'm already like, I like lemon more, I like cherry more,
I like raspberry more.
I was gonna say raspberry would be the best.
I'm like chocolate more, I like vanilla more,
I like peanut butter more on the other side.
It's always like fourth or fifth place.
I don't go in for like fruit ice creams as much.
I feel like for me, it might be like a pistachio
because I love pistachio.
But I'm never reaching for it first and foremost, I think.
I freaking love nuts in my ice cream.
Yeah, dude.
Get the fruits out here, I love the nuts.
Absolutely, fuck yeah, dude.
I like chocolate ice cream a lot.
I think my fourth is probably like a cookie dough.
Cause I'll get it.
Oh, it's good.
But like, I feel like I'm mostly doing it for the cookie dough.
Like I'm not that excited about any of the ice cream
surrounding it.
So I think that's number four for me.
When I worked at Ben and Jerry's,
fish food is predominantly chocolate ice cream.
But it's so good cause you got the swirls of marshmallow,
you got the swirls of caramel. There's just more going on. And so it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it.
I like it. I like it. I like it. this would be great without the banana. I never got one. You never got one of them?
No, they're huge.
They come on like platters.
You get them to split.
You're not like eating a banana split by yourself.
Is that why they're called the split?
Cause there's two.
Yeah, cause you split it.
I thought you split the banana.
Well, and also the banana is split in half,
like a little, honestly, like a sandwich.
A borderline of a banana.
An open-faced sandwich, really.
Is a banana split a sandwich?
Yeah.
I'd eat a hot dog with a banana as bread, sure.
Yeah, there you go.
I don't know, it just felt like something
that only happened in cartoons.
From my experience, they're kind of disappointing.
Yeah, they don't seem great.
The team's like, yeah.
I had the exact experience you were describing, though,
which is like, I saw a cartoon with a banana split.
I was like, that looks delicious.
And then next time I went to Baskin-Robbins, I got one.
I was like, oh, OK.
Hell yeah.
I'm going to get a banana split. I mean, I know I'm not going to get it. I know I'm not Baskin-Robbins, I got one. I was like, oh, okay. Hell yeah. I'm gonna get a banana split.
I mean, I know I'm not gonna get it.
I know I'm not gonna like it as much, but.
I'm gonna try to find you the best banana split in LA.
And then take you there on your birthday
and make sure everyone behind the counter
knows it's your birthday.
Get one of those little sparklers in it.
They have restaurants sometimes.
And they're gonna be like,
is your husband a cartoon character
from the 70s?
Why does he look so mad?
And then I'll also be like, oh, by the way,
when you're making it, can it all be lemon sorbet?
Yeah.
All right, sweet, so ordered.
Yeah.
Okay, this one is for Caldwell Tanner.
Oh, actually, I think it's for Beach Baldwin Sander.
Yeah, Beach Baldwin!
What was the second part?
I was laughing too hard.
Beach Baldwell, Sandra.
Beach Baldwell, Sandra.
Yeah.
I love it.
Sandra, get over here.
Sandra, this one's from Ben S.
Ben S. writes, hello, righteous sir.
Dexterity save.
You've just glanced at a basilisk
and are being turned into stone as we speak.
What pose, Caldwell Tanner or Beachbaldwell Sander,
do you choose to be petrified in
until Lady Elzbeth can set you free?
Wow, there's a really funny bit in Dungeon Meshie,
the manga where this happens,
where the person is like talking about being petrified
and like at the last moment,
they make a really stupid gesture
and then they're stuck like that.
And I think that is exactly what I would do
is I would make a really stupid gesture and then they're stuck like that. Yeah. And I think that is exactly what I would do is I would make a really
stupid gesture at the last minute. I would probably be like, Oh wait, shit.
I don't want to be wearing these pants. I feel like these pants won't be right
for this. And I'll be like pulling down my pants. Wait, I should have long
pants. I'm not sure. I'm not a short sky. And then you're just like in your
underwear with your balls hanging out. The belt buckle will crumble fast.
No.
So yeah, I think it pants down for sure.
What is the thing called when you-
Wow, we have to like hang a little curtain on you
to be polite.
Wait, I wanna pee before I turn to stone.
I don't wanna have the pee stuck in me.
Real quick, I need to flex.
I need to get a pump on.
It would be so funny if someone is,
I think the term is, is it mewing
when you like try to make your face look cool?
There's like a thing you have people are-
I read about this because it's like all unlike
the sleep apnea thing.
People are like putting their tongue to the top of their mouth.
You put your tongue to the top of your mouth
to like make you, you have like a,
like a sharp facial structure
called what we're gonna need to do that
cause he's got the sharpest facial structure.
He's got two days, dude.
Well that's because of all the chewing exercises.
He's chewing, he's chewing all the time.
Tater confirmed you were.
Mewing and chewing.
Yeah, you put your tongue on the roof of your mouth.
I have Cud, I'm one of the few humans who has Cud
and I just chew that all day.
So that's the easy answer there.
I would realize I needed to go to the bathroom
and I would be worried about the side effects
of having urine in my body for a long time.
So you start to piss while you're mewing.
Yeah, exactly.
And your piss also turns to stone.
I think I'd try to do a split.
You know how pretty show I do splits?
I think I will be like, this is my chance
and then start to go down into a split.
Really?
Yeah.
That's very good.
Yeah. What does everyone else's pose?
I think I try to look stoic and kind of cool.
Yeah.
But that's the thing, like looking stoic,
what are you doing?
Cause if you're like standing up
and you're too tall and straight,
like you're going to topple over too easily.
True.
I know you know what?
I think you have to look horrified and reach out
because otherwise someone might find you
and not know that you were turned to stone
and not try to help.
I'm going to be too good of a statue.
Well, it's already too late.
I've already resigned myself to being a cool statue.
I think I'm like pointing out to see like,
like where the next adventure is.
And I have my hands over my eyes so I can see
cause I'm probably like,
was originally on the top of a mountain or something.
And then everyone's like-
Great adventurer.
And they're like, who is this guy?
What did he see?
Merce is just doing environmental storytelling.
Yeah.
And then everyone thinks that you're just
an expensive hat rack.
Yeah, shit.
And that, yeah, they put their hats on my pointer finger.
Oh wow.
I would absolutely eyeball you at a estate sale.
Wow.
And they'll ultimately not buy me.
They'll ultimately be like,
this is too big of a statement.
You wouldn't even haggle for him?
I might inquire.
It depends on where it starts.
There's just gonna be so much bird shit on him.
I also think I would headbang too,
so that my hair was in motion,
and it looked really cool. That's beautiful. That'd be cool. Yeah. So you do his foot would headbang too so that my hair was in motion and it looked really cool.
That'd be cool.
That'd be cool.
Yeah.
All right, sick.
So you do a heist foot and headbang.
If it instantly happened,
I think I'd probably do something like Murph
so I just didn't look bad.
Yeah.
Just be like, breathe through your nose, Murph.
Don't open your mouth.
Yeah.
Okay, let's rev the engine of this Sea-Doo,
get back into the Sea-Doo crew questions.
This one's from Beb.
What would be the best non-water liquid
to fill a swimming pool with and would you drink it?
Okay, I just ate watermelon and let me tell you,
the watermelon juice was delicious at the very end of it.
So sticky though.
It is very sticky.
True, true.
But I guess they said it's optional.
It's like, would you get in it?
Cause it's like, this is mostly just like a really big cup
is what they're describing here.
Like what's the best to fill a swimming pool with.
So yeah, you could just fill it with watermelon juice,
not swim in it and drink it.
I like the question.
I like the question of what would be fun to swim in?
What would be fun to swim in?
Definitely not kefir.
Oh yeah, like the yogurt drink?
Yeah, like the cultured probiotic yogurt drink.
No, that's not great.
I think I wouldn't want to drink it.
You know what you could do is you could put in like
powdered, like lemonade protein powder
or something like that.
Get a protein lemonade going, go do a workout,
get super hot and sweaty and then just jump in
and gulp the water.
Wow.
I think, yeah, if you're understanding like the fantasy of like a chocolate spring or something like that.
I feel like ever since like seeing, you know, Willy Wonka
and seeing that kid get sucked up in the tube,
like what if I have that, but without the trauma of death?
What if I don't disappear?
Yeah.
Because that wasn't horrifying to you as a kid.
You thought that was awesome.
Well, yeah, it was like awesome right up until they get
sucked into the tube
and then just make his demise.
But if I could have that without a side of death.
Did they?
It's been a long time since I've seen
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Did they have a shot at the end
where they show that everybody's okay?
Or does everyone who does a bad job die?
In the Johnny Depp version,
they show them walking out of the factory.
I'm not talking about the Johnny Depp version.
I just assumed you were talking about the Johnny Depp version. Really show them walking out of the factory. I'm not talking about the Johnny Depp version. I just assumed you were talking about the Johnny Depp version.
Really?
There's another version?
Usually when there's like four movies for one movie,
I'm talking about one of the ones in the middle
from the mid-2000s.
I'm talking about just the original fucking movie.
Oh, so the Gene Hackman one.
Yeah.
Your choice, your choice.
Do we show?
Yeah.
Gene Hackman and Johnny Depp.
No, it's Gene Wilder, right?
Oh, you're right.
I pictured Gene Hackman in there.
Wrong Gene.
Wrong Gene.
God damn it.
We actually, since Colville does have a strong answer about the Johnny Depp version,
let's see what they're doing with Johnny Depp version.
There's a really poorly done CGI shot at the end, I remember,
where all the kids are walking out and Violet is still inflated, one of them is still flat.
I think they had to pull one of them out
of a taffy machine or something like that.
So they're all like, they're all everywhere.
Everybody's okay.
Yeah. Okay, okay, okay.
But I don't think you see them in the original.
I think they're just gone.
They just disappeared.
Yeah, which is more accurate to the book.
I haven't read it.
I feel like I would do lemonade in the pool.
You don't think that the like astringent quality
of the like acid would be?
Let me tell you the second part of my plan.
Okay.
Because it's all lemonade, right?
And then I, instead of wearing a bathing suit,
just dress myself in a bunch of tea bags.
And I jump in and I make a big Arnold Palmer.
Yes.
And then I can, then I'm drinking the whole pool.
If you think about a bathing suit,
it's got those like, meshy pockets
that always fill up anyway,
so just like, load those up with tea,
and you're good to go.
That's exactly right.
You should be doing that anytime you're in a hot tub.
Yeah, you should be turning all of the pools
and tubs you're in into tea.
I think that, I think I would also consider tea
because a matcha tea, because the green tea is powdered.
It makes the tea like a little bit thicker.
So obviously I would not have it boiling hot,
but like I think that a slight thickness
might feel like a really pleasing texture.
Matcha tea hot tub sounds so good.
Yeah, it's just, it's creamier than just water.
Yeah, also you don't have to worry about bees
with the matcha.
Whoa, that's true. Yeah, cause Jake don't have to worry about bees with the matcha. Whoa, that's true.
Yeah, because Jake's absolutely getting
just covered in bees and ants.
That's why I was gonna change my answer to milk.
Just jumping in a pool with your bathing suit
full of tea bags is such a way to ruin a pool
and just absolutely end the party.
Oh yeah, Murph knows a lot about pH balance
of the pools and. Yeah, it would just, the person wouldn't
have to fucking drain their pool.
That'd be so fucked.
I worked at a, yeah, pool store when I was a teenager.
Imagine just like being in a pool
and you pull a liquid IV pouch out of your pocket
and you're like, what's up guys?
You ready to party?
No, no.
Your uncle's just screaming at you for ruining his pool.
Pouring it directly into the filter.
That's the fastest way to distribute it.
I think one little thing of liquid IV
wouldn't do anything that bad.
But if you just had a bathing suit full of tea bags,
it would wreck the water.
How many huge tubs of protein powder
would you need to pour into the pool
until people started to notice,
hey, I think we're swimming in a protein shake.
Yeah, until people notice their gains.
Until it just started seeping into your body,
making you huge instantly.
A lot, a lot.
This would be so bad for me
because I'm trying to teach my daughter
not to drink the pool water,
not to drink the bath water.
But if it's full of delicious chocolate protein, I'm gonna be going up right beside her.
Yeah, you're gonna have a mouthful pool water saying don't drink the pool water.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Not as I pool.
That would be very hard to explain to be like there's one specific time we can drink the pool water.
Never ever again.
There's one specific time we can drink the pool water. Never, ever again.
Never, ever again.
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Goodbye, sweeties.
Okay, this question has been answered.
Let's move on to Jake Hurwitz, AKA Lake Surf's shit.
What?
What about Lake, what about just Lake Surf's shit?
That's good, but then I was kind of imagining
that the waves wouldn't be big.
You know what you're right.
Lake Surf's shit.
Generally, it wouldn't be a good, yeah.
I pictured that you were like on a wakeboard or something
and then you like ate shit and fell down.
Like you like tried to go over the wake
and you like lost your balance.
That's impossible.
I like Emily's more.
Lake surfs it.
Lake absolutely surfs it.
Benjamin G writes,
you've become more comfortable playing characters
that aren't huge muscular guys like Hard One.
Can you describe that process for you?
Wow.
I can't believe you picked this for yourself.
Yeah. Hey, I noticed that you picked this for yourself. Yeah.
Hey, I noticed that you're an okay actor.
I do think all of my characters have been hot.
Except for Mavid.
Yeah, oh yeah, Mavid, that's true.
I think you're cool with it for short stints,
but like the...
Yeah.
I mean, I guess Hank, you ultimately retconned
how not cool he was by making him,
I think we settled on Ben Affleck eventually,
but he's still an attractive man.
But it started out with a picture of Brad Pitt.
Yeah.
Yeah, you had like this Brad Pitt fight club.
Yeah, it was Brad Pitt from Snatch,
but it was only because Hank was like boxing
in the early days.
I was like, oh, this is the body I want him to have.
And then I was like, oh, maybe his face looks like this too.
Yeah.
Mavid is a true departure.
I guess Mavid is kind of like the spiritual successor
to Trent in some ways.
Tred, sorry.
Tred, yeah.
Yeah, I feel like in some ways,
the further I get from Hard One to the more I'm like,
in my head, he's like my standalone hot character.
And I don't wanna make a whole bunch of hot characters
because they would diminish him.
Though my characters are all seven or eights out of 10,
I would say.
Yeah.
Calder's a big buff dude.
Yeah.
I think Calder's.
Yeah, Calder's gotta be hot.
Oh yeah.
I think Calder's hot, but Calder really doesn't know it.
Yeah, but doesn't that just make him hotter, right?
Isn't that the stereotype?
Yeah, yeah.
But Saul's so hot that next to Calder, he's like, oh, tell.
It's very true.
I think that all of Duck Team is just so hot
and doesn't know it.
That's our superpower.
Do you think Tred is hot?
Yeah, I think Tred is like a Timothy Chalamet kind of look,
like not necessarily my type,
but would be a lot of people's type.
Yeah, yeah.
As Chas, as Timothy Chalamet is.
Okay, let's get back on this Seedew, another group question.
Toe wants to know what summer fruit could win
in a wrestling match against another summer fruit.
So I guess we're just kind of like having group battles.
I have an answer and it's so cherries.
Cherry season.
Cherry season is awesome.
Why are they wrestling? Why are they wrestling?
Why are they wrestling?
Why would they win in the play?
Oh, sorry.
I thought we just meant like, what's the best one?
Okay. I don't know what,
I don't know what,
I'm just going to start talking about fruits.
Cause I don't know what the hell it is this summer.
I got my answer.
Yeah. And Emily can tell you if they grow in the summer.
Okay. I'm going to say bananas.
Yeah.
Got armor.
They got armor on.
Yeah.
And they're big and they're long.
And frankly, they're rangy.
Yeah. I was going to say they have range. Yeah. They got range. They got reach. Okay. Good luck they're big and they're long. And frankly, they're rangy. Yeah, I was gonna say they have range.
They have reach.
Yeah, they got range.
They got reach, okay?
Good luck.
Good luck pinning a banana.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, like you get them-
Oh, and they literally can't be pinned.
Cause they're like C-shaped.
They can't get those shoulders down.
That's kinda good.
Kinda good, they're invincible.
We talk about armor.
What about a pineapple?
What about a coconut, man?
A coconut is really hard to crack.
Okay, my hack did not work.
You've already chosen banana, dude.
Shit, no, pineapples have better armor, fuck.
Yeah.
Okay, I admit the banana loses.
I feel like you're like sacrificing maneuverability
for that armor though.
Yeah, true.
Like a coconut or a pineapple,
like they're gonna be like big bruiser types,
but they're not gonna be able to like
move around the ring quickly.
Yeah, they'll roll around. Yeah, they'll roll, dude, they'll roll around. They're slow rollers though, but they're not going to be able to like move around the ring quickly. Yeah. They'll roll around.
Yeah. They'll roll. Dude, they'll roll around.
They're slow rollers though.
The fight is, let's face it,
the fight is between pineapples and coconuts and no one else comes close.
I'm just saying like if you're going for like a new fresh faced summer fruit
that everyone's really excited about, that's got a lot of heat behind them.
You can't go wrong with a Saturn nectarine.
It's the taste that's out of this world.
Okay. Really? Why is it good at wrestling though? It's a nectarine. It's the taste that's out of this world. Okay. Really?
Why is it good at wrestling though?
It's a nectarine.
It's got a good gimmick.
It's like this, it's out from outer space.
Are we talking about pro,
we talking about pro wrestling
or are we talking about like Olympic wrestling?
I just assumed you're talking about pro wrestling
because we don't talk about anything else.
It's true.
I'm saying that, so it's got like the role factor as well, because it's like a little,
it's, have you ever seen one? It's like tire shaped a little bit. Uh, they're called donut
nectarine sometimes as well. So it's kind of like got a fun look to it and it can also
roll around, but it's smaller and it's squishier so it can like slip out of getting pinned.
Uh, they're also just really tasty and really sweet. And I think they're going to be hit
with the kids.
The nectarine doesn't even beat an orange.
Are you fucking kidding? There gonna be hit with a kiss. The nectarine doesn't even beat an orange.
Are you fucking kidding?
Dude, dude, there's weight classes for a reason.
Let me make my case for a cherry.
They're so small.
The cherry stem is like a little whip.
And the pit is like a little maul at the end of that whip.
Oh, okay.
And it can just rip the pit out from its own stomach,
attach it to its own little stem whip and whapsh, whapsh.
I could see like a cherry with like a dominatrix theme
doing really well in like a, in a circuit for sure.
And actually if somebody bites into that cherry,
they could crack their tooth on the cherry pit.
There are rumors on the inside.
They could choke on the cherry pit
cause that's something that I run into.
You have to be so careful.
If you just rubbed another fruit up against a pineapple,
it would disintegrate.
I do think we need different divisions here.
Yeah, that's true.
Pineapple wins.
It's pineapple versus coconut.
Yeah, totally.
No, but I think we gotta do different divisions.
This is the heavyweight division.
You've got the outer shell division.
You've got the stone fruit division.
Wait, stone fruit,
stone fruits are in their own division, for sure.
Are you kidding me?
I actually think, I'm trying to think,
here's the thing, pineapple versus coconut,
coconut is gonna be playing such a boring game,
it's all defense.
True, that's true.
Pineapple's got pizzazz, that's the thing is that.
Defense wins championships.
Pineapple's got everything.
I know it wins championships, does it win hearts?
I think pineapple's a party guy for sure.
Pineapple's absolutely a party guy,
pineapple's a party guy. Yeah, the fun hair.
Sweet, but also fun, and also great defense. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it's just an, that Sweet, but also fun and also great defense.
Yeah.
So I think it's just an, that's an all around.
I mean, it's never gonna break the defense
of the coconut though, is the problem.
But the, nor is the coconut gonna break the defense
of the pineapple, I don't think.
Yeah, but the pineapple might go for a big move,
being like, I'm gonna jump to the sky,
come down on you with my spikes.
And then in doing so, break itself on the coconut.
It's gonna take a lot of work.
I think it's gonna be a fun match to see.
I think coconut wins, but it's not the winner I want.
Let's move on.
And with that, man, a coconut cracking on the stage,
it's gonna be devastating
because that milk's gonna leak everywhere.
It's gonna be really sad.
I just checked the Murph report
and it turns out Murph's up right now.
Oh shit.
Murph's up.
Murph's up. Cow Murph Report and it turns out Murph's up right now. Oh shit. Murph's up. Murph's up.
Cowa Murpha.
Corey B writes, which WWE wrestler, sorry,
I know we're talking about wrestling already.
Okay, now we're talking about wrestling.
Which WWE wrestler would be your choice
to represent each D&D class?
All wrestlers from all of history can be.
Okay, okay.
Thank you so much for this question.
I see the light in my husband's eyes.
Are you kidding me?
I can definitely do it.
The question is just can I remember all of the classes?
See any classes?
Because I can remember all the wrestlers.
That's not the issue.
That's definitely true.
Barbarian, straight up there's a wrestler
called the Barbarian.
Easy, done.
I don't want to go there.
Don't go there.
You're better than this.
Let's go, you know what?
We'll go a little newer.
We'll go Drew McIntyre.
Okay.
He's got a giant sword that he comes to the ring with.
He's pretty freaking bad.
Awesome.
Druid, we'll go ahead and go with Daniel Bryan.
He had a gimmick where he was like a,
he was a bad guy by being like a vegan.
And he had like the belt replaced with like a hemp belt
and that one is the leather belt.
So I think that's pretty druid-y.
Yeah.
Knowing the audience.
Yeah, Paladin, ooh, that's tough.
You know what?
John Cena, John Cena.
Paladin, you know what, Paladin,
I think he's probably, John Cena is probably
just a straight up fighter.
He's a champion fighter.
Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna say for Paladin,
I'm gonna say my lawful good guy,
that's gonna be Brett the Hitman Hart.
He's out there, he's fighting for justice.
Bard, you know what, let's go Jeff Jarrett, why not?
Bard, Jeff Jarrett.
Why not?
This is definitely not entertaining for anyone
who does not know what I'm talking about.
I'm finding it intriguing.
Really interesting.
I love your opinions.
And you should know there were a lot of wrestling questions.
So people like to hear you talk about wrestling.
Okay, you know what?
We'll just go back and we'll do one more.
We'll do cleric, we'll say Paul Bearer,
who was the Undertaker's manager.
Could kind of bring people back to life and stuff like that.
I think he's a grave domain cleric.
Are there any religious WWE guys?
Uh, yes.
Like I'm saying as part of their gimmick, I mean.
Yes.
Okay, okay.
Definitely.
Right.
Shawn Michaels is now extremely religious
and, but it isn't really a wrestler anymore.
Yeah, no, no.
I meant in the ring, like, is it part of their gimmick?
Sometimes.
They're like praying for God to smite people.
Austin 316, that was a religious reference.
They fought, Sean Michaels one time,
his tag team partner was God
in a match against Vincent Shane McMahon.
And God lost.
That's so good.
You're kidding.
Oh, that's really funny.
Doesn't that say it all?
Great stuff.
Okay, let's get on that Sea-Doo.
This is another group.
Q, Emma writes.
Everyone on the Sea-Doo.
No one would swim in a pool with a dead body in it, yet people swim in the ocean, which
presumably has thousands of bodies.
Yeah, for sure.
What are all of your water to corpse ratios?
Okay. For sure. For sure. What are all of your water to corpse ratios?
Okay.
I've seen a similar question like this on Twitter, I think.
So I've been thinking about this.
I don't understand water to corpse ratios.
I guess like how much water would there have to be
with a corpse for you to be like,
I can still swim here.
That's okay.
Is this like a, I'm taking a dip
or is this like, I need to travel across this body of water?
Is it like a necessity of transportation?
This is a leisure swim.
This is like, I want to cool off, but there's a dead body.
I think there's no amount of water if it's a human corpse.
Mm-hmm.
But an animal corpse, there's probably-
But there's human corpses in the ocean.
Yeah, yeah, I know that.
Yeah, yeah.
But I'm saying like- But it's big enough, yeah.
I think it's about the knowledge
more than the volume of water.
Yes, exactly. It's like, if I was going to the ocean- It's big enough, yeah. I think it's about the knowledge more than the volume of water.
Yes, exactly.
It's like, if I was going in the ocean
and someone was like,
a corpse washed up on this beach the other day,
I think I'd be like, oh, I don't wanna swim here.
Yeah.
I guess, yeah, I don't know.
I think if I can't see it
and there's not enough that I'm like bumping into them,
I don't know.
But if I was about to go in a lake,
even if it was like absolutely massive
and someone was like, there's a dead body-
Lake Michigan, you think there's a dead body.
Lake Michigan, you think there's no dead bodies
in Lake Michigan?
I guess no, there are.
I'll confess, I am a bit shy about swimming in lakes.
I think it's gotta have a horizon line for me.
I think I need to like be able to like look out on it
and be like, oh, I can see like ships dotting
the horizon line, but I cannot see the other side.
I guess it is one of those things where it's like,
if you know all of the facts, if there's like,
by the way, there's 100 bodies in this enormous lake,
I'd be like, no thanks, I'm gonna not swim here.
I do think that lakes should have a body count sign on them.
Yeah.
I'm sure they do.
Not on them, but I'm sure all of it,
like you could definitely, you know,
Google how many people have died in Lake Michigan.
They go get those, they generally try to get them out.
Well, I was gonna say, another thing about the ocean is,
yes, I have a, you know, we know that there's a lot
of bodies in there, but we also know that there's activity
in there, those bodies are probably getting eaten.
They're getting eaten up, the question is,
how many skeletons is it okay to be in a lake?
So that's way different, that's way different.
That's any, that's fine.
Oh, little guys are going and eating up the bodies.
If there was a hot tub and there was a skeleton propped up,
I'd be like, hey man, you in the dog house,
where's your wife?
Well, because that, yeah.
Well, if it's got sunglasses on, then that's fine.
But the difference between finding a skull
and finding a head when you're swimming in a lake
is so stark.
Like, one would ruin my life.
The skeleton's got to be picked clean.
Well, it would be. And it would be. For sure? The skeleton's gotta be picked clean. It would be.
It would be.
It would be.
It needs to be a picked clean skeleton.
It needs, yeah, you're talking skeletons here
because nobody's gonna last her a long time
at the bottom of a lake.
True.
But like, I'm saying like-
You're gonna deteriorate.
We're talking like the kind of skeleton that you're like,
I don't know, this could be an archeological discovery.
And when you're talking about something that's like huge,
like something like Lake Michigan or something like that,
a lot of the people who died there,
I think probably there are like, you know, I don't know,
parts of people from history in these like enormous lakes,
but they're skeletons, you know what I mean?
So that's like much less frightening
than the idea of just being like,
there's actually 500 dead bodies in here.
I guess it's true that like before modern forensic scientists,
that was like the best way to get rid of a body.
Just dump it in a lake.
So yeah, you got to wonder.
Yeah.
What are people doing with the bodies now?
Are people, yeah, are people just going,
or you just go grab some,
do like a bone cleanup every once in a while?
Make sure.
Not because I mean that's all,
isn't that ultimately contributing to the ecosystem?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I was gonna ask you, Emily.
I thought that fossil fuels were quite literally bones
that had been turned into oil.
That's true, yeah.
Am I wrong about that?
I'm not a scientist.
I think it's generally true.
But I think it's all the biomass
just like sinking down into the earth.
But yeah, I think that like mobsters,
when they dump bodies in rivers,
that's what they're doing. Yeah. They're getting back to their fossil fuels. They're huge environmentalists.
That's what they say, beating the fishes, right? So they were thinking about it. It occurred to them.
It occurred to them. So the answer is very few dead bodies, but skeletons. Skeletons we have a
way bigger appetite for. Skeletons, our threshold is very high. This is why I always carry a couple hermit crabs with me
so they can just pick off the remaining flesh.
I throw a couple hermit crabs into the ocean
or any pool I get into before I get in.
Right, just to clean everything up.
Clean up crew.
You come over for a pool party
and just release a cage of hermit crabs into you.
It would arguably be worse to have a skeleton
in your hot tub or swimming pool,
because it would be like, I guess the meat
went into the water.
I don't know where else it went.
There's a skeleton in my pool.
Oh yeah, Murphy, no.
Or there's carnivorous eels hiding in the filters.
What level of pH balance do you need
to melt the flesh off the human corpse?
Right, you got a lot of questions like that at work, right?
Yeah, but you guys in tracksuits coming in be like, yeah, how much chlorine do we need?
It was mostly just me getting yelled at by boomers when I told them that their numbers were off and then they had to drain Their pool and they would think I was trying to sell them chemicals
But I wasn't because I didn't make any commission because I barely made any money. We want my hermit crabs to do, huh?
I don't know because I didn't make any commission, because I barely made any money. What do you want my hermit crabs to do, huh?
I don't know, sir.
I gotta get them out of the pool too?
I don't know, sir.
There's a couple of bones down there.
We're both looking at the tabs.
We can see you have too many skeletons in your pool.
Ah!
Fourth of July is ruined.
This one's for a Swimily wax board,
and actually comes from another Swimily, Swimily W.
Swimily swim together.
Watch out for bones.
What do you think is the best part of a summer thunderstorm?
Oh my God.
This question actually was for everybody,
but I was like, I think only Emily deserves to answer it.
Well. Is that poetic?
I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say that I think humidity
is incredibly underrated.
I love feeling like the air is-
Preach, preach.
Is thick and tangible and I'm moving through it.
So I would say that the building humidity
and then that very first crack of thunder,
it feels like almost the humidity
even begins to dissipate at that point.
Because a lot of times I feel like with summer thunderstorm,
the, you hear it and see it before it even starts to rain.
Right? So there's almost like, this is coming,
this is coming and then, then it starts to rain.
So I think maybe like either the pre thunderstorm humidity
or the erotic charge
of that first experience.
That first experience.
Erotic charge?
Of thunder.
This is why I asked Emily the question.
Why do you have to ask Emily?
Wow.
Are you gonna leave in the silence
where I tried to think of something
other than erotic charge?
I think I have to at this point, yeah.
I really took a second being like,
Emily, you can't say erotic charge.
Yeah, you had the words you wanted to say.
The pause was not searching for the words,
it was deciding if you should say them or not.
I don't know why you're ashamed of this,
we've all been edged by the weather.
Yeah, because I feel like there's also
the pre-storm restlessness, right?
There is that charge in the air.
Yeah, what's the best weather to goon to, guys?
Follow up.
Okay, well with that, let's hop back on that Sea-Doo
for another group queue.
Would you like to picture us all getting knocked off
the Sea-Doo as Emily talked about the erotic nature
of thunderstorms.
She speeds towards the thunderhead.
She's headed for a torrent.
Dustin G. writes,
What creature in the D&D universe
are you looking forward to the most to throw on the grill
while cracking open some Bud Heavies?
Oh my God, people showed up with these questions!
I don't wanna eat any of them though.
You fucking kidding me?
They're cute.
Are you kidding me?
No, absolutely.
I'm living that dungeon-meshy lifestyle.
Throw me in there, Sinshee, what are we cooking today, sir?
I don't know, like I don't wanna eat like an owl bear,
they're cute.
I don't wanna eat a dragon, they're cute.
I don't wanna eat a drake.
What about that hell chicken?
The hell?
Abyssal chicken?
Abyssal chicken? Yeah, the Abyssal chicken.
That'll kill ya.
That'll kill ya quick.
No, or it'd be nice and spicy and smoked.
Let me see what an Abyssal chicken looks like.
I feel like it would taste like a good smoked chicken.
Mm, yeah.
No, dude, no.
I'm looking at them.
No, no, you don't want them.
You don't want that.
They're so nasty.
I take it back.
It looks like it's gonna sold out.
Oh my God.
There's so much salmonella, guaranteed.
No.
Yeah, I don't know if there is.
I do take it back.
I'm having a hard time,
cause I'm like most of these, I don't know.
We often fight humanoids because we're podcasting.
It's like fun to have a back and forth
with the people we combat with.
I think a fairy dragon would taste nice. You wanna to be like dragon? Yeah it'd be like really nice
and sweet. I have to be honest there was a curiosity in me for a dragon wing. What the
fuck? Dragon wings are kinda good. Like Korean barbecue dragon wings. Like nice and crispy and
crackling. See to me I think a fairy dragon. Dragon sausage could be kind of cool. Yeah absolutely.
I'm not so much of a sausage person so I don't know that
I would go for that. I think then I'm like thinking about oh my god this is a dragon they're so cute
but if you serve me a nice saucy cooked to a crisp dragon wing I think I could do that. Gator meat
is pretty good so like I imagine that dragon meat is going to taste similar to that it's like a
little gamey. Yeah that's what I was talking about. It's kind of like a salty chicken, isn't it?
The gator meat, yeah.
Dragons are beautiful and majestic.
And delicious.
You have the correct opinion, Murph,
but I will confess that I would.
Right, yeah.
We're deep in the hypothetical.
I don't totally have the correct opinion
because I eat meat in real life.
So I'm a massive hypocrite for one.
But also I think just because as I'm looking through,
I'm literally have D&D Beyond pulled up
and I'm looking through it,
I'm just like, all of these majestic animals.
I got another great second answer is a nightmare.
You know those like flaming horses?
You wanna eat, why?
Because they're cooking themselves as they go.
Right, that's true.
So you can cook the rest of your meal on it first
and then you beheaded and then you chop that thing up.
Okay, I'm gonna say something and I think I'm gonna get some judgment. Whoa! From our
campaign, from our, this is from our campaign, honey, honey goblins. Oh I mean yeah. Get the honey.
I'm curious. Right because they have a honey diet, they would be so sweet, so fatty and delicious.
Really yummy. I have the most boring answer, which is just like,
I don't wanna eat any of these majestic animals.
So I think I would just do like a dire version.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Just get like a, just a big,
a big honk of like a dire cow, I guess.
Oh yeah, yeah.
I don't feel good about any of it.
Last answer.
Honestly, it should just be a vegetarian.
Yeah.
Apparently.
Can you imagine how good a fucking Kraken would taste?
Just slice into that.
Oh, that's good.
That's interesting.
I don't eat octopus, but it is a good taste.
I love octopus.
Yeah, I don't like to eat octopus as much anymore,
but like squid is delicious, a little barbecue squid.
Kraken's interesting.
Yeah, Kraken's perfect.
That's the one majestic beast I might have a little bite of.
That's interesting, I like that.
And of course some barbecued Bully Wug legs.
Oh, come on now.
Okay, I might try that.
I feel like a lot of these,
whenever you put barbecued before it,
then I'm like, yeah, okay, I'll try that.
Barbecued Aracocra is fine.
You guys are straight up talking about humanoids over here.
You guys are cannibals.
Fuck, I'd take a bite out of a human.
Yeah. Sounds pretty good.
An elf?
Yeah, what do you mean?
Are elves on the table, dude?
Don't worry, these Bullywogs committed tax evasion.
Oh, okay.
Okay, this next one is for BeachBaldwellSander.
Yeah, BeachBaldwell.
Ocean Torrent asks, for a Caldwell,
what D&D class would you become
in order to best prevent yourself from spilling things?
Oh!
Oh!
I mean, you'd think it'd be a monk, right?
Maybe, yeah.
A monk is definitely a good life.
Yeah, yeah.
You'd probably go, you want the balance of a monk.
It would have to be a high deck save, I think.
And monks get like really good deck saves.
What other classes get good deck saves?
Maybe like-
Do fighters?
Rogues, maybe?
Yeah!
I think fighters don't-
Because you can play a deck space fighter.
You definitely can, but the class is generally,
and I'm not, I don't have the book in front of me,
but generally I believe people have like a mind save
that is pretty good, and a-
Or like a constitution, and then like a physical save.
No one I don't think gets strength in decks
cause those are the two most common.
I think it would have to be rogue.
Cause I think like the best I could hope for
is a sort of like Peter Parker, Spiderman thing.
Where I'm still a clumsy ass oath,
but like I've got the reflexes to make up for it.
So I'm like spilling shit.
It wouldn't stop you from spilling,
but it would stop the water from hitting the floor.
You got it.
There'd be a lot of just-
And if you did, if it did hit the floor,
you'd be able to lie and cover it up. Yeah. Oh. Well, There'd be a lot of just- And if you did, if it did hit the floor, you'd be able to lie and cover it up.
Yeah.
Oh, there you go.
Well, there'd be a lot of just hearing,
instead of just hearing Caldwell like bobble something
and then like spill everywhere,
you'd hear Caldwell bobble something
and then him hit the floor
as he suavely catches the water back in the cup.
I think I wouldn't catch it in the cup.
I would just like slam onto the floor
and then like move my head fast enough
to just drink all the water.
Yeah, I was gonna say, I see you landing on the floor and then shoving and with your mouth open and all just magically come in
Yeah, that's that's my like true rogue reflexes. Yeah
Okay
Spill-proof rogue. That's almost bardic in its way. Yeah, there's a performative angle to that. Yeah
I think any of the kind of like swabber classes would be good at Yeah, I think Bard gets a good, an increased dexterity.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So maybe if I was like doing this on stage, that would be what I'm doing,
which is maybe a good thing to choose for me because I probably,
it's a miracle I haven't spilled on stage yet.
Is that true?
I've sloshed on stage for sure, but like, I don't think anyone's noticed yet.
Cool.
Yeah.
And you know what?
I'll say it right now.
It'll never happen.
I've actually, I've bashed,
I've bashed my knee a couple of times on stage.
Yeah.
I jumped down onto the ground.
I've gotten hurt on stage.
Yeah.
Yeah.
At a show with Amir, I knocked my head on a speaker
as I was walking out.
Like saw black for a second,
and then, but it was just like coming out onto the stage still.
Just sit down.
It's just because it's so dark backstage.
So you just run into seven things before you go on stage.
We've got one last group question.
I thought we'd end on a nice little light note.
This one's from Luke McSee.
Luke writes, hey gang, how many punches to the face
do you think you could take from the rock
before the damage is irreversible?
Oh, okay. One.
I think even one punch. One punch and then I'm like...
Yeah, one punch from anyone unprotected would... Yeah, you'd need to get surgery.
But irreversible is the thing. So like with surgery, I feel like, you know, they could realign my jaw for sure.
So like, I think I could do two. I think I could do two. And the second one is the one like,
cause the first one like dislocates the jaw.
The second one like fully moves the jaw.
I also think one, but I thought I was going to be
the only one that said one.
No, I thought Murph would take more.
I don't know.
There's no working out your like teeth.
Like you would just need to.
I guess the term irreversible,
I feel like means like irreversible without like surgery.
Like yes, maybe after many plastic surgeries or something,
I could have my face back.
But I think if I'm standing in front of the rock
and the rock who weighs a hundred pounds more than me
of pure muscle and I just stand there and I take it and I'm not blocking it.
And he punches me in the face.
I believe I break my nose in a way that it needs surgery
to look like it did before.
I lose several teeth and perhaps break my jaw.
And what do you think you did to piss him off so much?
Yeah.
I say that I could have taken two punches from him.
And then he calls me a jabroni and he says,
you're not gonna survive the first.
But hypothetically, couldn't the rock be a weak puncher
because he's used to doing it performatively.
He's used to holding back.
Maybe his punches are gentle.
I think it's just like a scaling thing.
Even the rock going gentle seems like so, so hard.
Am I allowed to roll into the punch or roll with the punch?
So like basically like he hits me and like,
I'm still making contact,
but I'm kind of like shifting my face along the arc.
I think it's just, you take a punch from the rock.
I think he's just punching you to try to injure you.
Right.
I think I definitely irreversible with Juan.
I think the, the like difference between a, you know,
boxing fight where you're kind of blocking.
It's like, I don't know you,
if you see any kind of UFC fight, any kind of boxing fight,
generally, if somebody gets punched like directly
in the nose,
It's a game changer.
It's an absolute, it's like maybe they'll keep fighting,
but they still need to get surgery.
But those people are also punching in a way
with the ideal form for hurting someone.
Does the Rock do that?
What if I hit him where it hurts
and I say like, your tequila brand sucks
and like his eyes are filled with tears.
Yeah, so he can't even see as well.
Yeah, so like he still hits me and he raises me.
He can't even see as well.
But the question does say punches to the face.
So it's not how many swings.
So these are only punches that are landing.
But also, irreversible is also like a concussion
can like really mess you up.
Yeah, definitely.
So like I get the concussion.
So maybe you're right.
If you just stand there.
If you just stand, like we are, none of us are huge, like tall jacked people.
Right.
But we're-
Whoa, dude.
Except for Emily.
That's really-
Six foot nine.
I'm six nine.
I'm a fucking sack, dude.
Athenian.
Are you kidding me?
And I do chew a lot.
So like my jaw is really strong.
The rock-
That's a good point.
The rock is straight up like a foot taller than some of us
and is just so much, not Emily of course,
Emily's a few inches taller than the rock.
But it's getting punched by someone that much bigger
than you and you not being allowed to protect yourself.
It would give you a concussion, it would break stuff.
It would, I mean, odds are like one of us might only,
he might like miss a little bit or like not get all of it.
But if it's just head on, that's call.
Well, it's call.
Well, went for mind games and so that it's the killer brand.
And then the rock swings out emotionally.
Yeah.
Not accurately.
Like, I know that like the numbers on your Netflix movies have been inflated.
I just say that.
And like, yeah, he's just like so thrown
that he just grazes me.
And then that's gonna heal up.
I've just like stubbed my toe
and had the damage be irreversible.
Yeah.
I really don't think I could handle a punch.
I think you're right.
It's a real dice roll that I survived
the second punch without.
That is true.
He literally might kill like any of us.
And that's irreversible for sure.
That's absolutely irreversible.
I think it is.
I think that's actually a better question.
How many punches to the face do you think you could take
from the rock before you're dead?
Before you're dead?
I think it's still one.
I think three.
Yeah, I actually don't, I think it's more than that.
I think it's one for me.
The problem is that your face.
He won and out's you.
The bones in your face like explode,
but he'd really need to like, he really need to give you such a concussion
that you die from it.
I think the rock could just push my nose bone
into my brain without even really trying that hard.
The last thing you hear is him saying,
it's always nice to meet a fan.
The answer very well for any of us might be one,
but I think it would be more likely that I don't know. I would
say one to 10. Wow. Nice. One to 10 for lights out. Until dead. Yeah. Yeah. For lights out.
I think max three. Yeah. But I think it, I think again, I think it depends on like,
whether he feels remorse or not. I think he's going for it. You insulted his movies.
whether he feels remorse or not. I think it's like-
No, he's going for it.
You insulted his movies.
That's true, yeah.
You went after the fudged numbers on his beloved projects.
It's a good thing we're not using your real name in this.
We're calling you Baldwell Sanders.
Yeah, Beach Baldwell.
Beach Baldwell.
Beach Baldwell.
I say Ryan Reynolds whiskey is better.
It's no Casamigos I scream.
As my soul leaves my body with your dying breath.
All right.
So we've all been punched to death by the rock.
With that, we're going to go ahead and wrap this one up.
You know what I'm going to say?
I said one to 10 because I was like, I don't know.
Maybe you just get so insanely hurt and all your bones would be broken,
but you could last for like eight or nine or 10,
but I'm gonna change it to one to five.
I think if the rock squared up,
if I was standing there and I saw the rock square up,
I would laugh then say, what?
What?
Wait, no.
What?
Wait, what?
All of our last words would be haha, wait, why?
Your tequila's good actually.
All right, we're going to wrap this one up.
Thank you all so much for listening.
We'll have more questions over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpod.
That's NADDP.
That's right.
And does anybody have anything they'd like to plug?
Yeah. And does anybody have anything they'd like to plug? Yeah, I did a couple like voices for a little D&D themed scripted podcast.
Yeah.
That's coming out with Jon Hamm.
Okay.
So that's called Dungeon Masters.
It's coming out August 12th.
So check it out.
Be on the lookout for that.
Jon Hamm and D&D. Very fun.
Jon Hamm, Emily Axfords.
And me, yeah.
And it's also got murder in it.
Yeah.
So that's something.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
With that, you can follow us on social media
that we're gonna be remaining at yous,
at StagesMersMe, at ColdestCaldwell,
at AXFordsEmily, and at Trick or It's a J.
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We are, we are, the youth of the nation.
Friends, it is the end of our show,
which means it's time to shout out
our benevolent council of elders.
Let their names be heard and recognized and adored.
Brad D.
Jeffrey S.
Lord of the Fjord
Happy Birthday, Emily
Later McSkater
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Beardman Dan.
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Carpe Liam.
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saddle Bryant you got this, Victor T aka Balnor's boy, Hoyt's friend, Justine I, Danny shares
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Trelai the Cray, Christopher B, Damio R, Jordan L, cyborg version of Josh the
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Nicholas C star of every film ever made in Bohemia, now starring in the Iron
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Timmy R
Rayco
Calder Comes Cold
Shout out to the cold cum companions
Frosty Facial
Taylor B. The Vengeful One one winged angel, Cass Strong Grinch,
Steven Samples Simmering Sulphurous Szechuan C, Mike K.
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William W. Big Bad Beardo the Mad Eric McD Anonarama
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J. Dragonborn Guardian of the Vibe
Honoring the Cock
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Bookfarts Assistant Izzy F.
DPC is awesome!
Hashtag honor the cock, we honor it, we're soft on it, we are all these things.
Shone, the Shade Tree mechanic of Zilbel Dar.
Summer Rose aka Grand Tare.
Kat C.
Misa of House Inzunza.
Ariel, the occasional mermaid
Selena N aka Vlaseyraptor
Bee Perky always
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TrubHopDropper. Jack Hubert, King of the Mole people under Iron Deep, dressed in
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Han
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Marcos
Learns the balance druid
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See you in Chicago
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Finally caught up to Duck Team, heck yeah!
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James F. Austin S.
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Now has to do something with the trolls.
To get rid of them, turn to page 42.
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Shane C.
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L, the fairies say om nom nom nom nom, honor the cock, Cantrip Dumbledore the bear onesie wearing barbarian Lexi H
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Please don't ban them, Murph.
Please.
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That's going to be it for us today, but we will catch you here next week.
Thanks again for listening.
Farewell.
That was a hate gun podcast.