Not Another D&D Podcast - Skaldova - Ep. 2: The Valley of the Whispered Oath

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

The Carnal Crew hits the road! Zudrick finds more blood for his armor, Welly finds a marvelous strength, and Boggy finds himself in a hole.Sound Mixing and Editing by Brian Murphy and Faris MonshiMusic / Sound Effects Include:"Blackthorn Hall" by Emily Axford"Into The Mist" by Emily Axford"Winter Sprite" by Emily Axford"Bloody Mural" by Emily Axford"Starspawn" by Emily Axford"Snake Fight" by Emily Axford"Demi-God" by Emily Axford"Henry’s House" by Emily Axford"Selfless" by Emily Axford"The Lonely Autumn" by Emily Axford"Summoning" by Emily Axford"Growing Pains" by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Okay, that's it for me. Thanks for listening and have a happy Valentine's Day. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the Campaign After the Campaign. This is not another D&D podcast. Welcome back to Skaldova, everybody. Skaldova! That was good, that was really good.

That was pretty good, we remembered. We locked in. Music to my ears. I'm your dungeon master, Jake Hurwitz, here with Brian Murphy. Has a crow and won't desert her It's Zedrick of the murder Emily Axford the man without a plan. It's welly ham damn

Damn damn it. And of course, we got Caldwell Tanner Where's a floppy brown hat upon his head and also all his friends are dead. It's Baldy Roger. Well met, sirs, well met. Cute and tragic. Okay, before we get into it, what do you guys say to a little recap? Let's do it. Let's do it.

I say yay. Last week, our three off-putting heroes met in Mutt Town. Yeah. Oh, you didn't say editorializing recap. Disillusioned, disgraced, and displaced, these unlikely allies found common ground in their distinct downfalls and came together for a jet job, the deadliest kind of mission.

The goal? Retrieve the bodies of three adventurers who vanished into Cave Castle while searching for Black Lace, a dubious elixir brewed by hermits occupying the Old Keep. Before setting out, you spoke with Yoran the Blacksmith and his apprentice Timo, who told you the cave was a cursed place, where a traveler named Bulric the Banished once vanished. They geared you up with weapons, and Timo gave Wellie a ring.

You also insulted a drunk herbalist, knocked out a teenage stable boy, and stole three horses before fleeing bear-assed into the woods. And that's where we are now. Still bare-assed. Boggy, please, some decency. It's too funny.

So as Boggy pulls up his pants, finally, after tearing through the mud gate and into the wooded land beyond, you catch your breath, you listen closely, nothing, no pursuit. You bring your horses to a canter, then a trot. The forest begins to thin, giving way to a gentle descent into the open land below. You are now entering the valley of the Whispered Oath. Legend says that long ago, in the age of stories, a

valiant knight swore to see his princess safely across this land, knowing that the dragon patrolling the skies above would take his life. Now the gathering clouds make good on their threat and it starts pissing rain. The air is still and dank. You can see in the distance three horses grazing by a tumbled down granary that I had planned for you to find, but you no longer need them. I flip off the horses. They watch with big brown eyes as you press on through the hinterlands.

These might be somebody's beloved pet. It just occurred to me. Slap their asses and send them back to mud town. The wide dirt road eases down into an undulating valley. Its edges marked by stones sinking in the mud. A sea of tall golden grass, though decidedly sodden and dull at the moment, pushes out in every direction. The valley is dotted with low outcroppings of half-buried boulders surrounded by sea

buckthorn, wild sagebrush, and crowberry. The rain grows heavier, and a bright streak of lightning splits the sky, followed by— You could not possibly be afraid of lightning so well. You're of something called the oak and oar. Surely you've been on the water and seen a storm or something. Yes, lightning and wood don't go well together. Perhaps. One moment later,

after Welly's scream, a loud, clear crack of thunder. Ah! You can't be afraid of lightning and thunder. No, it's very far away. It's repetitive, yes. She had no idea that was coming next. How are you guys proceeding through this valley? I turn to my sort of comrades and just humorlessly go, anyone out in the storm means trouble.

We attack on sight. On sight? No, I think we parlay on sight. Well, we, something in between, surely. Boggy, do you have the baby bear of it? Listen. Yeah, Boggy. I don't want to parlay.

What's between attack and parlay? I've got the solution porridge right here in my hands. All right. On a rainy morn such as this, with the rain pouring down and the mist rolling in, it's best just to slink past and avoid conflict altogether, I say. Very well. Okay. Yeah.

That'll give us more time to chat. Wonderful. You know, a conversation I always find stimulating is a civilized discussion of the non-sexual beauty of nature. Non-sexual? Are you kidding me? I would have thought non-sexual. Are you kidding me, brother?? I would have thought nonsexual. Nature is the most sexy thing around. Have you seen trees? I know! That is why I had to specify nonsexual. I never would have thought. There are certain flowers that make me blush. I never would have thought we'd have to specify. Zootrick, I'm gonna take you to a botanical garden that you need to use. No, I'm

looking at these hills now and I'm thinking about having a carnal release. I'm looking at these hills too. Oh no, oh no. Okay, relax, okay. Everyone relax, sexually and whatnot. I guess if we do have to fill the air with idle chatter, thank you, Boggy, for securing us these horses. Is that why your friends were all executed?

You're horse thieves. Oh, is that what the Order of the Buds did? Reductive to call us simple horse thieves. We made our way through the world by pilfering from the rich, those who had more than us. We would camp out along the road to Goodport. I'm sure you're familiar with Goodport. Yes, of course. I call it Goodport. I'm sure you're familiar with Goodport.

Yes, of course. I call it Badport. Go on. Why? The good is like God. Be serious. Go on. Yes. But yes, we would wait for caravans of merchants and scholars and we would absolutely wreck their shit and steal their money. Scholars? You went after the scholars? They're the most endowed of them all.

I guess that's true, I hadn't thought of that. There's too many rich scholars in Skaldova. All of the scholars head into Goodport. They've been funded by nobility or kings, and they're in the pocket of the rich. That scholar money. If you could afford to be a scholar in times like this. Indeed, idle pursuits I say.

May I ask you, you mentioned Sister Bix. Ah, yes, Sister Bix. What was she like? Well, she was a cleric at the lodestar. Ah, she brewed the finest ales and the most smoky of peat whiskies, all in the basement of the church, of course. Eventually the local guild descended upon her

and wanted a healthy fee to protect their copyrights and whatnot. And she refused and they set fire to her church. So she absconded to the woods and henceforth fought alongside me and my boggy buds. And what cruel fate befell her? Well, as I mentioned before, I was out on a hunt when the fish baron, Billiom Longskiff, not sure if you've heard of him. Not yet. Yes, that salted cat of a man. He descended upon my campsite and his men.

They stole away all of my fellows. I saw piles of blood and scrapes of cloth, but I do not know for certain how they met their end. Oh, I try to keep pure of heart, but I kindle a growing hatred for scholars and fish barons. Yeah. Well, we don't have to hate. I should not say all scholars are bad.

Lady Linnabeth herself was a scholar of some renown. Any kind of baron we could have some resentment for, but not necessarily the scholars. Imagine a scholar baron. See, this is the problem, is that a lot of them are but not necessarily the scholars. Imagine a scholar baron. See, this is the problem, is that a lot of them are both nobility and scholars. Okay, well, thank you for telling the story of one of your order. She sounds most noble, even though she peddled in intoxicants of the spirit. But I think that, you know, what better way to lift the spirit than by imbibing I say Wow, you give me much to think of sir. Boggy Roger indeed. Does anyone want a little of this? Boggy has like a flask

He's holding as he rides his horse. Oh nice. I'm not there yet, but have at it the goodly lady, Genevieve I offer it to my horse You named your horse after the one you jizzed in your pants about. Yes. What else? Oh, I see what you're saying. And here I am clutching it with my thighs. To trade horses.

Someone needs to trade horses with me. Someone. Okay, horse swap. Calm down, everyone. Horse swap. Musical horses. Everyone one to the left. God damn it.

So as you guys swap horses and continue on, do give the horses a little bit of whiskey. I guess we'll stay just, let's stay just maybe, I know it'll look kind of weird, but let's stay just wide of the road. There are bandits and brigands and whatnot. Actually, you know what? He speaks true.

As a ritual, I can cast Animal Messenger. I'm going to call Tabitha down. Ah, ah! I'm going to call Tabitha down. Ah! Ah! Ah! I call my bird down and I'm going to send her ahead. Typically this would just be to like send a message,

but I'm gonna have it be more like sending a message to herself, have her like go ride ahead of us and sort of scout and then come back and let us know if she sees anything. All right, great. So Tabitha is going to, she swoops down and then flaps off into the misty storm ahead. And a cold wind sweeps through the valley,

driving the rain sideways against your cheeks in sharp stinging needles. You turn your faces into your cloaks. You hear the rush of a quickening stream along the road beside you, running murky with the deluge of rain. Ahead the track twists downwards, cutting through a cluster of boulders

where the path narrows between the rocks. Through the sheets of rain, you see something is blocking the way. You guys can give me perception checks and I will also have Tabitha come back. Ooh, Nat 20. Wow. Nat one. If I roll and get, Nat 20. Wow. Nat one.

If I roll and get a Nat 20, will it make us get even more information or should I not even roll? You gotta roll. Roll and let's see what happens. Tabitha will be able to talk human words if you crit. Okay, I didn't. I got an eight though,

so close to Tabitha talking human words. So Zujik, there's simply no way you can see through that helmet. So there is, now there's a break in the rain and you guys see the great blue gray shape of an ox is sprawled across the path. The creature is riddled with arrows, the wagon it was pulling is overturned,

trinkets and cargo scattered around the wreckage and you see the driver face down in a ditch between the boulder and the road. Boggy, with your crit, you also see in the wagon itself are two rustling shapes, and Zudrik Tabitha returns to alert you that there's a bandit with a crossbow on the boulder above, hidden behind some shrubs. Ooh.

This is so deceitful. You guys have successfully sniffed out that something fishy is afoot. Oh, this is shoddy work, to be honest. Yes, they've left the trinkets about, the bandits are still here. You gotta pick up the trinkets, you don't know what those trinkets are worth. Perhaps we should pretend that we've fallen for the trap and draw them out. I think I could do that.

Is that right? Good sir! You seem to have fallen prey to the mud! And I'm gonna run over to the guy who's face down. Okay, I will run over as well, preparing to essentially just start slashing people up. Okay, sweet. While they're doing that, can I stealth around the boulder? Yes. Try and get the jump on this guy?

Oh, great move. That's a great idea. Yeah, give me a stealth check. I'm gonna use my ambush ability. So I'm gonna add a superiority die to my stealth. That's a 12 total. Gotcha. Wellie, as you approach this man in the road,

he waits for you to get close. And then he lifts his head, his eyes dark and gleaming beneath the rain. His lips curl into a snarl or a grin, revealing a flash of rotted teeth. His arms jerk upward fast, something sharp clutched in his fist. But you are not surprised.

This is exactly what you guys were expecting. Everybody can roll initiative. Wow. Yes. 12. 15. 15 also, but I have less decks than Boggy, so I'll probably go second.

All right. Okay, these bandits actually rolled pretty well. I'm gonna have the first two both try to jump out of this collapsed cart and try to attack Zudrik. They rolled well for their initiative and bad for their attacks. Oh great, okay. That's a five and a nine.

Ha! Shoddy work. No, we totally had you! I block with my enormous anime sword. It's so fucking scary. Crows caw in the background and flock to me. More lightning. A tiny rusted dagger just dinks off.

Shit, you were so scared, dude. We had you so surprised. You'll be a feast for the crows. Those two bandits both miss. Now Boggy, that is you. All right, it's time to beat up more teens. So this bandit is looking over the boulder down into the path.

He's not expecting you. His passive perception is only 10. So your stealth is successful. You're gonna be able to sneak up on him. I pull out my short sword, Grasp of the Asp. Of course. And I'm just gonna try and grab him with it. I'm gonna slash right across his back.

All right. Hell yeah. That is a 25 to hit. Definitely hits this guy. What's your damage? If that hits, this is a light sword. It has the light property, which means I can make an additional attack with my rapier.

Nice. 24 to hit. Yeah, also hits a lot. Great. Yeah. And since my rapier has the nick property, that means that it doesn't count as my bonus action. So I still have a bonus action to do something.

Whoa, hell yeah. Oh shit. Oh yeah, some of these new rules are rad. Yeah, this is all the mastery property shit. Okay, so that's 11 damage total. Whoa. And then, do I have anything to do with a bonus action? You can think about it actually after I tell you that you have ended this Archers life so you can use your bonus action to do literally anything you want. Okay. Yeah, then I guess I dropped row again

Finish this guy who was like mouthwatering droolingoling over this boulder to try and shoot your friends? Oh, these fucking idiots. Come on, man, you can't be muttering while you're waiting in ambush. That's just a rookie mistake. Shit, how'd you find me, dude? Say hello to the boggy buds. Ha!

I stab into him. Because you're going to hell. You slash across his throat. He sprays blood as he falls backwards into the path, smashing into the wagon below where his friends just jumped from. This guy is instantly dead. That is Zudrik's turn. You shall follow him to hell.

I'm going to launch, so I run forward, and I stab my giant anime sword into the ground like a pole vault, launch myself up into the air and attack with advantage on the guy who was pretending to be dead. That was a cruel prank. No, no, no, they fucking robbed me. That's a 16 to hit? Yeah, it does hit.

Oh my God, I do so much damage. Okay, so with my Steelhawk stuff, I do extra damage with a lance. You just gave us a plus one. I rolled an 11. I also rolled a D8 because I launched. So that's a seven on top of that. So eight, so I do 24 damage.

This man is gone. This man is gone. I just splatter him with the flat edge of it and just completely end him. He has a tiny little dagger. You smash it out of his hand, vault into him, completely end his life. Be the ender you want to see in this world.

His friend beside him is just like, oh shit, it's up to me now. What is up to you? What are you doing? You need to run. He's gonna run forward at you. You're so bad at being abandoned. Heel, dude!

13 to hit. Me? Yeah. No! I just block you with one hand. He runs into your chest plate. He grabbed the blade. Spalls down into the muck.

That's Wellie's turn. Wellie, end him. I too have a gift for the ender. That's an out one. No! So Wellie goes forward to plant your foot and slash through the sky, but it slips in the mud. I slip and I say, I've never actually killed someone!

Mostly at the Order of the Orr, we just kind of practice random courtly rituals. The storm continues to rage around you. And as all of this chaos is happening, as you're clashing with these bandits, steel ringing against steel, you guys are absolutely murdering people, Welly's ass down in the mud.

It was a beautiful fall though. Have I died? You hear a sharp hiss cutting through all of the chaos. It's growing louder, like a bed of snakes. And you guys look up just in time to see that the sound is the road itself falling away in front of you. Packed sand and dirt churn and spill into the earth like water over a fall.

A sinkhole is forming right where this battle is. Everybody give me a deck save to avoid being sucked in. What? Silt! That's the worst part of Bogs. They've disturbed the road too much to set this up. The rain is too great. 17!

Seven. Wellie saves. Oof, 10. Actually, I might use this heroic inspiration to re-roll. Oh, great. 19 that time. Okay, so Zudrick saves. Only Boggy.

Everybody else leaps back just in time, including these two really overzealous bandits. You leap back, landing on stable ground. As you watch Boggy go tumbling in, Boggy, you went to jump. But as your feet press against the ground, the very earth you were standing on takes you with it. You fall 25 feet engulfed by jagged debris. You crash into the packed earth below

and you take five bludgeoning damage as you look up at your friends who are surrounded now by bandits we're not really surrounded there are just two betrayed betrayed by the mud i so love boggy one living bandit is going to go after welly actually, a 16 to hit. That hits, but I will say, Lodestar Rune, activate! Are you a fucking Power Ranger? When you or a creature you can see within 30 feet of you is hit by an attack roll, you can use your reaction to choose a different creature

other than the attacker within 30 feet to become the target of the attack instead, using the same roll. So I'm gonna force him to attack his own friend. What? Wow, all right, cool. In fighting will destroy even the strongest order. You was gonna keep all that gold for yourself, weren't you?

We had them. Are you working with them? He hits his friend for seven damage. His friend is almost dead. Wellie, what does that look like? Does the rune like glow? I think that the rune like evaporates until I carve it again,

but I think that what it looks is much more like tactical. It's like, it's almost like I catch his sword and then redirect it to his friend. Oh, nice. Because like the lodestar, I am merely guiding them. Ooh, gorgeous. Well paired. Boggy, that's your turn.

You were in this pit. Ah. Ah, am I prone? You're not prone, but to get out, you'll need to make a DC 12 athletics check. Athletics, okay. As this is happening, I turn to Welly because I can't see Boggy and I go,

Welly, we must accept that Boggy is dead. Finish these and then we move on. No, he is a bud and he still has yet to flower. Zudrik, I will not leave until we find him. Uh, very well. I'll join your cause. It'll be the three of us. I don't like any of you.

You all feast for crows, Georgia on Martin's style. Zudrik, think of him as one of your crows. We're all your little crows now. A murder. I'm fine, I'm just five feet down. Oh, did you hear all that, Beth? I guess I'm further down, I'm 25 feet down. 25 feet down.

Look, I'm telling you, Pocky is dead, and I'm sorry that you're upset, but this happens, everyone dies. I just think he still has a story to tell, Zudrik. Stories end quickly. They've forgotten about me. They'll be singing songs about me now, I hope. Oh!

That's a nat one. I told you, Boggy, it's dead. You know, I didn't believe you at first, but I find myself thinking of verses to remember him. We shall bury these highwaymen alongside Boggy and move on. I shall write a verse of your dirge, Boggy Rogers. Perhaps it's what I deserve. Wait, that whole singing. What was that?

What was that? So Boggy goes to climb up out of the pit and the body of the archer that you killed falls in, smacks you in the face, and I'm sorry, but you do, you take another two damage from a pit. The pit has done more damage than the bandits at this point. I think that now that Boggy's friends can't see him, he drops the facade a little bit,

and it's just like, shit, fuck. Fuckin' keeps happening. Okay, Zedric, that is your turn. There are two bandits left, one that's on death's door, the other one that is at full health, attacking his friends, swearing fealty to you. Great. We'll work together, dude.

It'll be awesome. Yes, perhaps we will work together when we are both in hell for our sins. What? Do you mind if I move weapons around, if I use a different weapon? No, I'm a permissive DN. Love that.

So I'm gonna pull out another giant blood-borne weapon that I have. I just have another giant greataxe that I pull out so that I can cleave. Oh, fuck, dude, come on! I would like to get two for one. And I'm gonna swing at the full health one first. All right.

That is a 17 to hit. Hits. Nine damage. Nine damage. He's hurt, but he's okay. Fuck. I fucking yield, dude. I'll yield to you, man.

There is no yielding on the road. Why not? Mother is, but there's a different type of yielding. Why not? I'm gonna use Cleave to make an attack on the other guy. Okay. That's a 19 to hit. It does?

Okay. I don't add my modifiers on this roll, but I get to hit him with the damage. Seven damage to that guy. He has passed. Great, okay. He has passed on from this line. So I slice his head off, and then I'm going to action surge.

Yes! Oh, I forgot that was a thing! Yeah, I'm gonna action surge and try to kill this other guy. Okay. 19 to hit. Does, he has two HP. You can finish him if you want. Yeah, I do nine damage

There is no yielding Fork in the road and I split him in half And just a mortal combat grab both sides of his head and pull him apart. Oh My god blood guts whatever he had for lunch, spray up. That's why you're covered in blood. I'm just covered and my chain mail stays covered in blood. I don't clean myself at all. More blood for your armor.

All these guys are absolutely dead. Now we can have Boggy, you can roll with advantage. Yeah, can I reach down my greataxe? Yes. Grab onto this Boggy, if you're down there, otherwise I'll eulogize you. Amazing, yeah. With help, you can roll with advantage

and the DC is now lowered as well. I have a shovel in my pack for burying friends. Yeah. Boggy had like closed his eyes and just like accepted death for a second. Our longest tom, is this the view you see from the grave? Oh, what's that? Oh, a shovel, aha!

My friends, you have come to save me. The day remains. The sun shines upon our exploits. Let me roll the advantage. Shout out to the two crew, but I'm gonna use the 18 because the 19. There you go. All right, aha!

Boggy lives. Do a really bad somersault out of the hole. As Wellie pulls you up, you see I have some dirt in a shovel and I throw it to the side. I had faith all along that you would live, Boggy. And your faith is what pulled me out of that hole more than any rope or hand. Thank you, Zedric.

Thank you, Sir Welly. Of course. As you guys help Boggy out of this hole and you look at these dead, destroyed bandits at your feet and eerie quiet falls over the valley. Just the sound of water dripping into the newly formed pit. And that's when you notice a second tremor. This one is different.

It's low and rhythmic. Something in the earth is pulsating. The earth is having a carnal release. It's so carnal. Suddenly a monstrosity you can't comprehend bursts from the earth behind you. It tears through the ground with such force that it becomes briefly airborne before hitting the ground again with a thunderous crash. Lightning strikes again. The storm suddenly rages as this it looks like an arthropod, but it's bigger than a bull and twice as long. This giant insect rises on its back legs,

rain streams down its dark segmented body, glistening like oiled steel. Its serrated mandibles like a spray of scythes gnashing at the air. The thing titters, then blinks, and then it lets out an uncanny shriek. Ah! Ah!

A clawback. Ah! Caw-caw! And it moves toward you with unnerving fluidity. Its legs are flying. There is no outrunning it. The beast is now going to enter initiative. We will take it from the top of the order.

I wish I had not used my action surge. Would I have seen things like this on my travels or is this super weird? I think coming from, where you came from, the faraway fjords, they call it the frosted talon. And the land that you would have walked across to get to Mudtown is mostly tundra and snow drift. So you wouldn't have seen anything like this,

but you've heard of large beasts that live in the woods. You've never seen them, but you've maybe heard tell of horrifying things that live out in the hinterlands. And now you guys are seeing them for the first time. Oh, I hate bugs. They always get in your boots while you try to sleep. Get away from my boots. This is why you must sleep in full armor.

I've never seen anything like this before. This is terrifying. We must put an end to this. Okay. If we die today, then we lived. Period. Period. Okay, there is comfort in that. So, Wellie, you must add that to your sonnet.

If we die today, at least we lived. Well, it's not 10 syllables. I didn't say at least, I just said we lived. I'm not thankful for it necessarily. If we die today, we lived. I'll work it in. I just need to add a couple more syllables for it to go into a sonnet. All right, Boggy, shake off that rule, dang-gold, and get in there.

Boggy, you are first as this thing charges towards you. Ha, I think I'm going to try. Well, first of all, I'm going to kind of limp towards a bush and roll and try to get some cover if I can. What is he doing? Ah ha, ah ha, old boggy, away I go. Is he singing a song about himself? Is that an expectation on the road?

Old boggy, away I go. The beast cocks its head and blinks. Did that beast's neck just crack? There's a big broken caravan here, right? Like a carriage? Yes. Oh yeah, you could use that. Can I get some cover behind that? Yeah, yeah. And there are there are rocks, bushes and and yeah, there are there are jagged pieces of this caravan that's been destroyed. Cool. Boggy's going to go into the caravan. His primary objective is to get cover. His secondary objective is to look for

treasure. Okay. If you'll allow like a free inspection or perception check there. Yeah, for sure. Go for it. That's a nat 20. Yeah! That's incredible. Okay. Nat 20 on a treasure check. Love it. You got it.

Love to see it. So I'm gonna need you to roll a D4. That's a four. God. Okay. Now I'm gonna need you to roll a D100. Oh my God. Okay. 46. Boggy, you have found the Rod of Alertness.

Oh my! Do not show this to Wellie. Oh my! While holding this rod, you have advantage on wisdom, checks, and initiative rolls. While holding the rod, you can also cast the following spells, detect evil and good, detect magic,

detect poison and disease, and see invisibility. Of course, Magic and Skaldova is dead, so you can't cast any of these spells, but I will let you use this rod's other abilities. It'll need a bird carved into it for sure, but it's a good start. Yeah, Boggy shoves it in his back alongside his quiver, and then he's gonna get to work

taking down this monstrosity. He notches an arrow and is going to get it in his sights. And then he's going to attack. Go for it. Dirty 20? Dirty 20 hits. You know what? I'll use my bonus action here to poison this arrow,

if that's OK, using the poison we got. That's nine damage, four poison damage, 13 damage total, but I'm also going to use a superiority dice to make it a trip attack. Trip attack? So I'm aiming for one of the animal's legs. Wow, okay. So that's gonna, I'm gonna add a D8 of damage to that.

Okay. 11 damage total plus the four poison damage. This thing is going to be immune to poison actually. Ah, okay. It is poison incarnate. It is poison itself. Oh, okay. It is poison incarnate. It is poison itself. Okay, good to know. It looks nasty.

It likes it, oh no. It gains four HP. I grab at the bisected man and I start shaking his collar. Tell us what this monster is. Is this your pet? His spine pops out of his neck. So the monster will need to make a strength save. Okay. DC 13. Fails, only a 12. Sick. All right, So the monster will need to make a strength save. Okay. DC 13.

Fails, only a 12. Sick. All right, so the monster falls prone to enjoy its poison snack. The monster, it's so many legs moving and flying and they all skip across the mud. It falls onto its belly. That is Zudrik's turn.

Okay. Zudrik is going to run forward, clomp, clomp, clomp, clomp on his heavy metal boots. He's going to launch again. He's got three every short rest. So, he sticks it to pole vault, the lance into the ground, jumps up, and does a big heavy swing down.

Sick. The monster is not as afraid as these bandits. It just gnashes its teeth at you. Yikes. 21 to hit. Does hit. Ooh, okay, I'll do Savage Attacker. 13 plus the launch damage, 15 damage.

Okay, this Crone Beast tries to turn over, tries to right itself, but before it does, you are able to leap off and stab into it. It lets out another shriek, and it turns and locks eyes at Wellie, standing by the chasm. Wellie, that's your turn. Okay, Wellie is going to dig deep

because she would like to live up to her company right now, so she's gonna put the ring that Teemo gave her on, and she's going to activate her might of the gods so she grows two times her size or at least has two times the strength and then she's going to swing down. Well he just stands up straight for the first time. 24 to hit? Does hit. Yes. I'm going to say Hiltilt Rune, activate! And... No. We just have to work on our stealth, guys. 16 damage plus seven fire damage.

Whoa! So 23 damage. 23? Jesus Christ. And then it makes a strength saving throw or it will be restrained, which I think would restrain it in the prone condition. Well, good work, Wellie. Okay.

That's a 19, so it passes. Okay, passes, yeah. But, I mean, miraculously, good work, Welly. Okay. That's a 19, so it passes. Okay, it passes, yeah. But, I mean, miraculously, Welly, this slight knight is wrestling with this beast and actually giving it a fight. Your landing blows, you're stabbing into it. If I grapple it, would it stay prone? I think large creatures usually can't.

I'm large right now. Oh, shit. That's part of why I did it. Yeah, one size bigger, I think you can. Oh, okay.. I'm large right now. Oh shit. That's part of why I did it. Yeah, one size bigger, I think you can. So I'm gonna do a action surge to then grapple check and I have advantage on my strength stuff because of the might of the gods. Good lord.

Fuck yeah. 22. Okay, this beast is gonna roll contested. That's a nat one. Yes! Wow! So I think I take like almost like a wrestler stance and say I've wrestled a lot actually with inner demons and I'm gonna jump on top of the thing. But like I mean I think that since magic isn't real I think that I have like almost like otherworldly power right now. Technically according to giants might I like grow to a large size but I like to be small.

It's like the power of your runes, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this giant insect is on its back, its arms and teeth are thrashing, it's trying to grapple Wellie, but you grapple it and you wrestle it and you hold it. That's right, stay here, stay here.

You actually, as well as your runes, you feel pulsating in your hand. This is a ring of protection. It adds plus one to your AC. Whoa! Wow, thank you, Timo. So you are strong from the gods and protected by the gods in this moment.

And this creature is shaking with anger in your hands, but it can't move. It can't break free. That's right. I know you feel stirred to do things that would disgrace you, but just resist. Stifle it. Keep it deep down in the dungeon of your soul. You're projecting.

I can't imagine that's the case. The bug titters confused for a second. Just tell it to stay out of our sleeping bags. Yeah, and stay out of our sleeping bags. They're covered in deer guts. So Wellie is sprawled across this beast. It can't do anything. It is pulsating with anger and vengeance.

That's right. Let the pulsations out. The guilt is weighing her down. She's so heavy. It lets out a shriek that must mean stop trying to analyze me. And it's gonna make an attack against Wellie with disadvantage.

15 to hit. Misses! Yes, it does. It can't do anything. And that is, back around to Boggy. Now that it's prone, Boggy's gonna put his bow back over his shoulder, and it's gonna pull out Ygritte's wing

and Grasp of the Asp, and he's going to rush in. Okay. So I'll take advantage on my attack with Grasp of the Asp. That's an add 20! Whoa! Oh my god. Oh, Boggy's feeling hot! Oh, Boggy's feeling good!

I thought I'd live in that hole forever. I thought that I was never gonna get out. Thank you. I also thought you were dead. Sutrix started digging your grave. I started feeling his grave. He had already fallen into one. When you're in Boggies, buds,

you should be ready to make a grave for your friends at a moment's notice. That's 13 damage on the short sword. Okay. And then I'll do my offhand light attack with my rapier. That is a 17. 17 hits. Just an extra D6 of damage.

That's six. Whoa. Ooh. 19 damage. This thing is on death's door. Wellie, as you grasp it, you start to see that it's blood, it's black blood is mixing in with the rainwater and the muck where you're holding it strong.

I collect some. I'm curious if this is the substance of black lace. Good intuition. I was just about to say this thing has no soul. Don't worry about it. But. I mean, I've eaten many a cricket in my day, but this does not look appetizing.

No. I as well, a delicacy. Indeed, we should cut it open and try to meet though. Yes, we should investigate. I open one of its eyelids and try to stab directly into its eye. Oh my God. Okay, roll for that.

22 to hit. Absolutely hits. 16 damage. 16 damage, finish this giant bug. I look at Wellie like, perhaps there is a different way. And then I once again bisect another creature. This bug is writhing in your arms. It's just about to break free, Wellie.

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I go over and I inspect the runes. Yes, well, both of them have been used, but I'll carve them back in and I inspect the runes. Yes, well, both of them have been used, but I'll carve them back in and I show you. I carve a star and I say, this is the Lode Star's rune. That is what allowed me to guide his attack at his friend instead of me. And then this is, and I carve like the sort of crooked T and I say, and then this is the Hilt's rune.

And that is what gave me the fiery shackles. Indeed you are truly blessed. Oh no just devoted. Anyone who's devoted that's the thing is if you pledged yourself to the Ender the Lodestar and the Hilt today I bet you would feel their magic whispering in you too. Well I wouldn't say I'm pledged to the Ender, but we have a acquaintanceship for sure. I see her lurking at the edges of the swamp at all times, taunting me, playing tricks. Yes, death will come for us all. Yes, she represents something of an ending, and by representing an ending, also represents a beginning if you're an optimist.

Kind of like a hot girl at the other side of a party. She is very hot, I have to say. She's very attractive. It's why I've yet to have the courage to carve her rune into any of my equipment. I need a horseback ride for a minute. Well, before you do that, allow me to say this, Wellie. I do not think anyone can do this. Do not give credits to the gods that which you have done yourself.

Right, but Zutrik, I think it's possible that their divinity works in you already. You in that lance. You defy gravity. You're like Michael Jordan, who is a great jouster. You speak of Air Jordan. You speak of Air Jordan. I speak of Air Jordan. Indeed. Nobody had ever leaped off a horse until him.

God damn it. There was nothing in the rule book that said you couldn't just jump off the horse and dive back down. We sing his songs around the campfire. At least we did. The joust came up to the monastery where I lived and oh, it was a sight to behold. All right. I love the motto of his armor, joust do it. All right, the chatter is sufficient.

Joust do it indeed. Let's get off the road now that it is collapsed and full of huge bugs. But I think well are your thoughts to collect some of this blood or whatever it is? Yes, I would say should we collect the carcass itself or at least parts of it and perhaps try to present it as a trade to get in good with the hermits there? Oh, maybe we could do some human experimentation. I grab one of the dead bodies,

I throw it up over my shoulder. Perhaps we can see if, I don't know, maybe the bugs are people or something. That's wild. The bugs are people? Your mind just jumped about. Maybe you're exposed into black lace, you turn into a giant bug or something like that. I was going to ask you, and now's as good a time as any, are all your crows people trapped in birds? You don't have to answer if you're not ready to talk about it. I will absolutely answer.

The answer is no. I've only known them for like a month. Okay. I wink. Yes. You're very lucky. I often see the faces of my deceased foes just lurking. Again, near the edge of the swamp, much like Lady Ender, but I think it's just my mind

playing tricks on me. That's just terrible grief. All right. Well, again, let's take a dead body with us. Maybe we'll pour some of this gunk on them and see if it has a reaction. Yeah, I think I'll take out some like perfume bottles, dump out the, the victuals. Yes, I guess first things first, I want to search one of these bodies

and see if there's anything on them from the scared monks. Oh, the scared ones. Yes. To see if these bandits have robbed anyone else recently or anything like that. Oh. Okay. Yeah, do you want to give me an investigation check?

Yes. I think Wellie would also like to do one, but she's going to do it with disadvantage because she's never touched a dead body before. Whoa, okay. So Drake is being completely careless. I'm trying to learn. And with that, honestly, I'm so careless that I got a six.

Amy, I also got a six! Okay, great. All right, this is how you do it. Basically, you just like shake the pants around to see if anything falls out. All right, sort of tangle the ankles. Here we go, shaking, nothing's really falling out. Yep, I think we're good.

So you just think of them as like objects, right? Well, they are dead. Yes, you're right. Okay, so Wellie's almost too tender, and as you lift up the body to show her how it's done, it slips apart because you did basically cleave it and it falls into the shaft below. Shall we pour some of this gunk?

Gunk? Should we perhaps try to glue that one back together with the gunk? Yeah, let's try to, I guess like I'll take out, I think I would have a courtly glove. I did it. I take out one glove and I announced, I didn't steal this from the goodly lady, Genevieve. And then I put it on. Roger ignores the G written in it.

Shiver a little bit. and then I'm gonna put it on. Roger ignores the G written in it. Shiver a little bit as I put it on. And then I'm gonna dip it into the blood and sort of put it on the wounds. All right, cool. Give me a medicine check? Okay.

I'll give you a help action. Yep, right there. 13. Okay, so with a 13, you're putting this, the gunk onto basically like a cleaved through body, a corpse. Yeah, just to see if it like- We can do it on, we killed other ones, not in a savage way.

We can go to the one that Boggy killed. You just slit that guy's throat. Okay, so I put it- That's maybe a good- I smear it across the neck. Yeah, as you do that, this guy, he doesn't pop up back to life, but you can see that the gash in his neck becomes kind of corrupted

and there's something coursing through it, like something living in this sludge. His neck is rippling. Oh, good. Ender's tits, that's incredible. Sir, you blaspheme. What did I say? You said Ender's, and I won't say the other word. All right, yes. Ender's bosom, how about that?

I will baby bear you on that one. All right, yes. Well, it does seem like either they are harvesting these animals or creating them. You think the monks are? Perhaps, if they're the ones who are selling it. Can I, this is really crass, but can I look at, does it seem as though they're, like this bug produces milk? What? You want to look at the bugs bosom? I'm looking at bug's bosom. I'm looking at the bug's bosom.

Okay, you can do that and I won't make you roll because it's giant and this bosom would be- Such a nasty crew. It would be apparent if the bug had the bosoms. Okay, but it doesn't. Yeah, this is not something, this is, it's blood, it's not, it's milk. Gentle sirs, I've spared you the indignity.

I looked and the bug doesn't have a bosom. Damn, I really could have gone for some cricket milk right now. I shudder to think what would have happened if it did. All right. So let's bottle up some of this stuff. Let's bottle up some gunk. Of course, yes.

And let's keep moving. Okay. And also, we should do the right thing here. And I splatter this person that we just put the zombified stuff on. You splatter them? Yeah, I splatter them with my sword. Oh!

You absolutely eviscerate them further. Make sure that we're not like setting up a zombie to attack a nearby village. Very good. Yes, all right. Nice. Let us keep moving with our horses. Right, you're stalling horses.

Are they scared? Your horses have seen it all. Yeah. They're just munching grass next to all of this. It's been a wild two hours. It's been an absolutely wild two hours. The horses were so unfazed. I'm more fazed than the horses.

Well, you know, proof that, you know, we probably just stole from murders or something, so it's fine. Okay. The thunderstorm rolls on beyond you towards Mudtown. than the horses. Well, you know, proof that, you know, we probably just stole from murders or something, so it's fine. Okay. The thunderstorm rolls on beyond you towards Mudtown. As the day comes to an end, you reach a small footpath off the main road,

just visible in the fading gray light. This is the Heather Path. It's a single track dirt trail choked with roots surrounded by taller, overgrown vegetation. The woods are thickening again here and encroaching from both sides. About a mile up there's a patch of grass the forest seems to have forgotten about. A small clearing where you can set up camp for the night. The tree canopy overhead has been your shelter from the rain for a bit now but as you enter this glade it stops altogether.

A cool breeze clears the sky and the first stars of the night glimmer overhead. Alright, farewell. As I mentioned, it is tradition amongst the Boggy Buds to dig shallow graves to sleep in. So I will get to cutting. That makes sense for me. That doesn't track for me yet, but I'm gonna try. You know those Instagram videos where like a guy like builds an entire house by like cutting into the mud?

I'm basically gonna do that. Oh yeah. You know those Instagram videos where a guy builds an entire house by cutting into the mud? We're basically gonna do that. Oh yeah. I would like to think we bought some food when we were in the market. Yeah, I think you guys knocked over a fishmonger stand so you could have taken some salted mackerel. Oh nice.

I'll cook some fish on the fire. I love to steal from a fish baron. Yes, the fruits of the fish baron's labor. Cedric doesn't know how to do anything except for fight, so he just has a fish, he's cooking it like a marshmallow. Oh. Scales on. Cedric, it's burning a lot.

The eyes are still in. Well. I think I'll take over and try to cut the fish and debone it and get it a little bit nicer for eating. Ah, you are wise young Willy. Sounds delicious. Do you wanna give me a nature or a survival check? I'll help Willy with this one.

Oh, thank you. 19. Willy, you prepare an immaculate fish. I mean, this thing is gorgeous. It's fileted, it's flaky, it's soft, it's crispy in all the right places. Wow. We live along the Keystone River and we fish in it,

and I have oft cooked under the oak boughs. I must ask you, Wellie, when I first heard of your order and the way in which you speak, I may have underestimated your abilities. What is it that you learn in your order? Yes. Well, the order is focused on preserving a very specific relic, the ore in which the gods paddled to discover this world. And so, we aren't really learning as much as we're preserving, so we keep

ourselves pure and true so that we can be bastions of purity so that no one gets their hands on the ore of the gods. Sounds like a very expensive treasure, go on. It does not appear, it actually looks quite humble in person though it does have a charisma to it when you are around it. A collector's item. At least for me. I see.

Yeah, so that is what we do. That is what we did. Do you feel a certain spiritualness when you are near the ore? When I'm near the ore, what I feel is that what once was will be again, that they will come back, and all of the virtues and joys and delights and kindnesses that accompanied them will return alongside them.

Hmm. You know, Wellie, when I'm around you, your optimism makes me feel like I could see another of the gods lurking on the edge of my vision in the swamp. Well, Boggy, I'll confess when I'm around you, I feel like what if I did just drop trow and dance and get drunk? Perhaps it would not be in defiance, but rather in reflection of the gods. It won't kill you. The Ender's going to do that anyway. Too true.

It is true. And how I relish the idea of being choked out by her beautiful thighs. Yes, it's weird that she does that. We all do. It's weird that that's just in the scripture. But you said we used to. Has your order broken or have you just broken from your order? No.

I mean, I think it's what is still professed when I say we used to it's because I left but well Honesty is a virtue. So I guess I'll just shoot straight from the hip There was a sense of decay in the order Like other people were more excited about all the courtly rituals than what we were supposed to be protecting. That is the nature of humans. Yes. Sometimes you lose sight of your path and you just spend too much time hanging out in the swamp and partying. I really look forward to that phase for me. Oh, it's good.

Don't get me wrong. But then you're just, you're spending too much time planning the menu for the feast and not enough time working on the next heist. And it's just everyone's priorities get a little out of whack. And it does feel like every feast just ends with you combing your pants in front of your crush. I thought that happened the one time. Well he goes silent. I thought that happened the one time.

Well he goes silent. Listen, if we're going to be sitting around this fire and sharing truths, then I need to whip us up a batch of special brew. And Boggy is going to prepare some sphagnum tea for his guests. What is this? Basically I just boil some moss and water and I add some special spices to it. It's got a kind of a smoky mellow flavor. You might enjoy it.

Interesting. I've not heard of this, so I do. I cannot confirm whether or not it would dull the senses and thus I will. No, I know that you two wish not to imbibe. So I've prepared this as an alternate treat. Oh, thank you. Indeed, everyone's welcome.

I drink it so fast. Ah, it's calling me. Do you not know what tea is? Why did the water fight me? Do you know about soup, yes? Yes. Okay, it's like soup, but just the drink part. It's like soup. I take out a spoon. No, well. I'm just drinking through the grate in my helm. I still haven't taken my helm off. Have you taken your helmet off since we've met you? Not at all. Please So Zudrik Get comfortable. Yes. I am comfortable Well, actually I am never comfortable. Zudy, come on. Do you sleep in the helm? Of course. Why?

Because that is when I am most vulnerable That is when someone might slit my throat. I have a question and you can, you don't have to answer right now. Very well. Is your brain exposed and the helmet is the only thing keeping it in? That is so specific and the answer is no. Okay.

I wink. Right, yes. Bad haircut. Yes, in my experience, the ones closest to you are the ones most likely to try to murder you in your sleep and whatnot. Who tried to murder you? I was a knight in the faraway fjords and there have been many rebellions, many unseetings and seedings of leaders. I have been on both sides of rebellion. And people would turn on you? People that you had professed to fight alongside?

Of course, yes. And I have turned on people as well. What made you turn on people? When their words contradicted their actions. I've worked for petty kings and yorls who proclaimed to be people of honor and then reaped the land that they claimed to help. And I have replaced those with others who went on to do the same thing.

And so on, and so on, and so on and so on and so on. That's why I left. Did it ultimately make you feel like there is no one with the strength of character to wield those positions? Yes. Are you an anarchist? Yes. Wow.

Are you Boggy? What, I wanna put a label on it? Wow. As you come to this realization, you hear the unmistakable sound of a twig snapping underfoot. There's a rustle in the trees. Someone is approaching.

What do you do? Throw my axe at it. Oh my God. I'm on a hair trigger. I'm going to attack. Wow, okay, okay. There's no way Zudrick doesn't toss an axe at it. In the night.

If they're a good person, I'll try to save them. I think my worldview today is that I'm going to attack. Okay, great. I've been attacked enough. Okay, I only got a 12. I got a nat 20. Jesus! Oh my God. We have corrupted Wellie.

What are you attacking with? A great axe. No, I think we have to, think we are snap and it's dark We probably have to roll with disadvantage or do like a range thing because you're hearing this noise in the wood I got a nat 20 again. Wow Well, you do have something ranged no, I don't I don't I was just I mean you could throw your accent. You think you fucking throw anything right? Roll to not 20s. I mean, you could throw your axe, you think you can fucking throw anything, right? Yeah, okay. If you roll two nat 20s,

I'm gonna let you throw the axe. Boggy, are you attacking the noise in the woods as well? Boggy's gonna take a big sip of tea and hold it in his mouth, notch an arrow, and just dart for the woods. Okay, all right, so Boggy is gonna go get some cover. Boggy's more used to this type of thing. Zudrik tosses an axe and Welly,

still with the might of the giants, guided by the lodestar, hurls a great axe into the darkness. Ah, fish parents and scholars! Ha ha ha ha! 19 damage. 19 damage? Jesus! Okay, so. Oh! Ha ha ha! Okay, so... OHHHHH!

OHHH! Declare yourself! Are you a petty king? Or a yarrow? Or a scholar? Or a fish baron? I was going to declare myself! I was going to declare myself! I was ready to! Oh, what have you done?

Do they smell of old fish and salt? Oh, undertake me you done? Do they smell of old fish and salt? Oh, undertake me. I sniff him. I come as a friend. I come as a friend. In the middle of the night, you come as a prey in the middle of the night. You come as a prey in the middle of the night. I didn't mean to snap a twig. I didn't mean to scare you.

I wrestled a giant bug today. Are you alive still? This is why you always hum slowly when you're approaching a campfire. I can hack it, I can hack it, I think. All right, very well, hold your hands up and approach. He comes. He holds his hands up and he walks into the clearing. As he approaches, Boggy is going to spray the tea out of his mouth and then tackle him to the ground.

Oh no, I declared myself, didn't I? Can't be too careful, friend. All right, well, we'll decide whether or not we should apologize to you. What is your name and what is your business? Yeah, what is your business? My name is Mathis, Sir Mathis Dyer. You guys can roll a perception check to see anything,

if you can see anything about him. Ooh, I get advantage on these now because of my rod. Oh, 11. Oh, nice. I got a four. Ha ha! I'm gonna, I think he's still dangerous. Yeah, okay, you think he's the bug still. And what fish baron do you work for, Sir?

What do you keep saying, fish? What cruel, what fish baron? I don't know nothing about fish. Could be a poultry baron. Did anybody else get a perception check? I have 17. Okay, so you can see bleeding across his doublet. His cloak is fastened with a pewter rose,

dark with age, worn smooth at the edges, and the pommel of his sword, which was at his side, not raised. It was in its hill, but the pommel of his sword, which was at his side, not raised, it was in its hill. But the pommel is an intricate spider web. This man is in service of the Duke of Silk, the richest man in Silver Sand. I'm Sir Mathis Dyer,

sworn to the service of the Duke of Silk. I was gonna ask who you were, but forget it. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I don't want to. I am Zedric of the Murder. Okay. Okay. And I am your worst nightmare.

I raise my axe again. Please. We have no love for the Duke of Silk here. State your purpose. I just... My lord is a proud man. He's too proud to admit that his wife is gravely ill, and too ashamed to reveal that the missing adventurers you seek are his own children, Lyla and Braxton. They defied him, venturing into that cursed castle with their honor guard, Ser Holden. Ser Mathis' horse winnies and stomps his thick hooves

and steps into the clearing too. I imagine you guys don't attack the horse. No, in fact, I look at the horse and I say, there is a better path. It would be good to have a spare horse. Come to me, Lady Genevier. Please don't take my horse. You can't name every horse Lady Genevieve. Mind your own business.

I come offering help. I come offering my aid if I can. What were you doing out here? I wanted to give you support if you wanted it. When you went into the castle. He pulls out a delicate silver necklace. This belonged to Lila. You notice that his hand is shaking.

Maybe, maybe because you stabbed him, but maybe because it means a lot to him. May I, can I reach toward the necklace? Yeah, he hands it to you. I want to inspect it to see if there is anything magical about it, or anything more than meets the eye. Yeah, do you want to give me an arcana check

to see if you can feel anything from this necklace? I got a 15. So this necklace is, it's a thin silver chain with a crystal violet at the end, and it's almost glowing in the twilight, and it feels warm in your hands. This does feel like there's some kind of ancient magic or some kind of ancient power imbued with the liquid inside.

And Sir Mathis says, it's called Daybreak. If you apply it to your weapon in battle, it can help turn the tide. Yes, well, you seem to know something of the missing adventurers, but how did you know that we were going after them? I escorted my lord, the duke himself, to Leviathan Inn so he could give the job to Rorik the bartender.

The one with the fancy boots and you watched us. That was him. He wouldn't trust a messenger to deliver the message. He doesn't want anyone to know that his own children would defy him. Can I do just a general insight on Sir Mathis? Sure. That's a five. I think with a five, he's so shaken up

by what has just transpired that you don't know. Like you don't know if he's telling the truth, if he's lying, this is all spilling out of him without any real intonation or inflection that you can glean upon. Okay. Listen, when you go back to your castle and you renew your allegiance to your duke, we are not friends, but in the woods, in the dark, by the firelight, we can be allies. I will offer you a cup of sphagnum tea if you will sit and tell us more.

Would you take this axe out of me? If you wish it. I say no, but then I slowly remove it. Oh, Endersnips. Thank you. We say Endersbosom around here. Endersbosom, yes please. Apologies.

Inappropriate otherwise, my god damn. I apologize for my indecency. Sir Mathis, is there any chance that what your duke was doing was unkind to the scared ones and Lila and Braxton were going to remedy his theft of their trade secrets? I don't know what Lila and Braxton were thinking. All I know is my Duke was buying a black lace to prolong his wife's life. But what it's done to her, I don't know how much of her is left. Please describe in detail because we have this.

I show him the dark blood. This came from a bug. This came from a bug. This came from a bug. They smeared it on a corpse. And it has some strange effects. His eyes go wide when he sees that. Yes, yes, my god, it's thick. That's thicker than the black lace that I've seen.

Yes, I think they're milking bugs and watering it down. Well, they're not milking. I check. They're milking the bugs. Well, it's not regular milk, you know what I mean. Do the bugs have a tit or a bosom, excuse me? No, they don't have a bosom. But you know what, here's the thing,

you don't need a tit to milk something. If you've milked a snake for their venom friend, it comes out in a different place. You could milk like oats or something that make oat milk. That's true. That's not really milking. Yes, we've all got our nut bags on us, don't we? Nut bags.

Nut bags. Venom bags. I can't say I have. Yeah. Yes, we've all got our nutbags on us, don't we? Nutbags. I can't say I have. Venom bags. I can't say I have. Sir, with all due respect, get a nutbag and come back here. Traveling the woods without a nutbag? My man. Sir Dire hops on his horse and gallops into the distance.

He comes back a day and a half later. We've waited for you. He looks at the vial and he says, and pardon me, but this looks like what is oozing from her mouth and from her eyes. Nobody can go in that room. She attacks anyone who does. And Lila and Braxton, they, I don't know if they were coming to get more or if they were coming to find the source so they could cure their mother. They left without telling us. come in to find the source so they could cure their mother. They left without telling us. I must confess, Sir Dyer,

I wrote a much less flattering narrative of your duke. I assumed him to be doing something nefarious, not something beautiful like prolonging the life of his gentlelady. Likewise. I don't agree. Death comes for us all. Him putting other people in peril to save one person.

He seems selfish and terrible. Wow. I honor my Duke because it's my duty, but I rode out to meet you because I care for Laila. Oh. Are you guys kissing? What? That answer die are blushes. They are kissing. Good question, Willem. Oh, are you guys kissing? It's their dior brushes.

They are kissing, good question, Willie. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't say. You dog, you're kissing your boss's daughter and she's kissing you? Please don't, I can't. Well now, okay, this works. We can't have two people jizzing their pants, just let it out if you need to.

I didn't, I never did. I wouldn't. How? Teach me your secrets. Right? Teach me your secrets. All right, you're in. Please.

You're in. What is it with Ian for? We all have something to learn from Sir Nier. No, we don't. All right? Look, listen. You have a personal reason for this mission. We have a monetary reason for it.

You will not be cut in, but we will allow you to come to look for your little friend or whatever. I can't stay. My Duke will miss me in the morning. I just wanted to give you this vial, this daybreak to help and to ask you please to do your best to bring both the kids back. But yeah, if you have to choose. Choose Lila. Choose the one that you're kissing. Can I ask you a question? Is there something, if we are to meet Lila and she is perhaps in a weakened state, maybe she has been administered black lace or something like that. Is there a secret between the two of you that might bring her back to herself? An inside joke, a word of love, a memory? For me, it would be when the Lady Genevier reached out her... No, let it talk.

Go on. ...gluppid. You know what? This isn't about me. What were you going to say? That's way too hot. Don't tell it by the fire. Listen, back at our camp in the day, we would have a special little area people could go if it just got too much, okay? I can set up some leaves for you if you need. I do think some people need a carnal release every once in a while.

Maybe we do need to set up an area because people are carnal releasing in their pants. We need a carnal corner. Let's face it, we need a carnal corner. All right? Because this is too much. If you need a crack carn, you can go over there. But Sir Dire, is there anything that we could say to her to recall her true self if she is diminished?

He blushes again. I really shouldn't say, but you can remind her delicately, of course, of the walk we shared in the evening in the Duke's Rose Garden. And how she wore a nightgown with no stockings. I saw her nude feet. You guys hear the smack of Wellie fainting. Oh, it's too much. I knew it was too much.

It's fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to kink shame. Oh, it's despicable, isn't it was too much! It's fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to kink shame. Oh, it's despicable, isn't it? Bring it in, brother! Oh dear. Do you have like a handkerchief or something that we could just give to her so that she knows? Oh, she'll think we murdered you. I kind of give off that look. We'll just tell her about the, uh, walk. That's much better than handing her your stuff. Cause honestly, if I hold onto it, it's going to get covered in blood. It's going to send the wrong message.

Yes, we really need to dump your armor in the stream at some point. Yes, unfortunately, I'll be wearing it, so I will have to just go for a swim. Listen, Mathis, I do think we owe you an apology to a certain extent. I thought maybe you needed an escort there, and I was kind of pissed off that you were going to come along with us because we were looking for this duke. I understand. I don't really like him very much, but you just came to give us something so on. Yes.

Thank you. We appreciate that. We're sorry for throwing axes at you. That hurts a lot, yes. Wellie, I think is sorry for hitting you with an axe. Right, when she wakes up, tell her that it's fine. Yes, it's true. She's out.

She's not breathing. She's so scandalized. Oh dear. My god. She's got a smile on her face, though. Wellie's smiling and writhing. No, go in there, put her in the carnal corner. Put her in the carnal corner.

She's whispering, I can smell the roses. Would it be alright if I gave our companion here a potion? I don't want him to get mugged by bandits on the way back. I'm fine, really. The Duke has a stockpile of healing elixirs and healing draughts back at the castle. And Zudrik, he unclasps his cloak and he'll give you his brooch

if you need to show that to Laila. Okay, maybe could you write a little note and say that I didn't kill you? And not with a shaky hand that makes it look like I killed you. All right, do it calmly. Now! Quickly, calmly. Be so calm always. Mr. Mathis scrawls a note so shaky he has to do it two more times. You're having a shaky hand. Calm, just calm down, all right? I'm trying. I'll look over your shoulder here just to make sure that it's good.

He writes, it's all good. He writes, it's all good in a note. Say it's all good in the neighborhood, just so it's good. He writes, it's all good. He writes, it's all good in a note. Say it's all good in the neighborhood, just so it's casual. Maybe say it's all zud, and that's like a fun play on your name. Yeah, it's all zud. Zud is my pal. It's not my parlance.

I think she might. My part of the murder. It's all good in the neighborhood. Zud is good. These cars are my pals. This is the murder. You guys force him to write a rambling note, which he does sign all my love.

All right, all right. And with that, he hands you the note. He's handed you daybreak. He starts to turn and he says, I wish you well. May the lodestar guide all of you back home. And with that, he noiselessly leaps onto his saddle and darts off into the wooded night,

leaving you in the clearing with a softly glowing vial and a note to the missing Lila from the knight who loves her. And that's where we'll end our session. Woo! Woo! Oh man. Woo! Wow, did not see you guys attacking the night, okay.

He attacked on sight. We were just talking about how we don't trust anyone anymore. I feel like Wellie has been attacked more in her life today than she's ever been attacked. True, totally. And she's ending the day on a cortisol high that she's never experienced. It absolutely makes sense, and he's gonna be okay.

Attacking someone and then inviting them to drink is just like normal for Boggy. That's just like an everyday thing. Fair enough. Another great episode. So sick, dude. Dude, thank you guys. I'm in.

All right, hell yeah. Yeah, we'll talk about this more over in our short rest, our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpod. That's N-E-D-D-P-O-D, don't sing yet. Wee! Don't do it. Does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? I just watched the TV show Agatha All Along

on a plane ride and it was fucking fantastic. Oh, I would like to plug the NADDPOD fan calendar. Oh, God, it was so cool. It's incredible. A bunch of artists got together and did like a monthly calendar with like all the NAD pod characters in it and it was for charity. I think you can still grab one if you go to, you know, just Google NAD pod calendar and

it'll come up or you can go to linktr.ee slash NAD calendar and that'll get you there. Oh yeah. Pick one up. They're really fun. And thank you so, so much to all the amazing fans and artists that put that together. Always. Thank you. So right on.

And you can follow us on social media there at me and right now at use, at stage first me, at called it's called all, at the extra Emily and at your gorgeous Jake. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NAD pod that's NADDPOD. We are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are, the youth of the nation.

It's the end of the show everybody. and that means I need to shout out our Benevolent council of elders starting with Brad D Jeffrey s Lord of the fjord later mcskater Matt M Cutter w Jeff C Daniel G Danielle the dastardly dame carpe Liam Victor T aka balnors boy ho Hoyd's Friend, Just and I, Danny Danster, TJM, Trelae the Cray, Christopher B, Damiel R, Jordan L, Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald, Tar Gott, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebuke, The Unemployed, but it was a toxic job so it's not a bad thing.

Princess Yar, Jory S, Rachel from Animorphs, Jack L, Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohemia, Mike H, Alka Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, Herodrian, Carboro Chapel Hill FPV, Rex Thaneil the White, Cici Lulu, Old Cobb's Dunkel, Older Burn, Hercules Poirot, The Rabbit Folk Detective, Timiare, Raiko, Calder Comes Cold, Shout Out to the Colt Cum Companions, Frosty Facial, Taylor B, maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way, Cass Strong Grinch, Steven, the virtuous Pagan Guide of Bear Hell Sea, Mike K, Nick W, William W, Big Bad Beard of the Mad, Ananarama, Percival Fredrickstein, Von Musel, Klozowski, De Rolo III, J. Dragonborn,

Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock, Man Ace Hegemony, Ben A, Dave H, Dustin S, Not That Nick, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Book Vars Assistant Isy F, Big Bad John, DPCIsAwesome Hashtag HonorTheCock, Sean the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zobeldar, Summer Rose aka Grand Tare, Mark the Dark Lord's Taint, Kat C, Misa of House N Zunza, Ariel the Occasional Mermaid, Selena N aka Valay Sea Raptor, BPerkyAlways, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serv 16, Annie the Feywild Therapist, Connor S, Saleel, Bioquart 7, Amber Dextrous, Bean Rat Was Innocent, Jack H, King of the Mole People under Iron Deep, Dressed in Blue and Fighting His Way Through a Bracket Style Tournament, Valen, Pogge the bitchin bunny bard, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug boy,

hashtag honor the cock, James G, EverythingBago the eladrin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey, Reverend Chatterbones, Haan, Eric B, Marcos learns the balanced druid, Frida M, Maggie, Holly the Green Laughing Hyena, Cal Misses the D5s with all her heart, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes the whole thing, yes every time, Cody C, Lorelai the succubi and Kyra the succulent snack, McKenna Stout, Your Friendly Neighborhood Yaunt and Yunkle, Andrew and Sid, John Adams, We Can Be Done with Presidential Puns Meg, the Mail Carrier of Bohemia

James F. Austin S. Wayfarer, Now Has to Do Something with the Trolls Get Rid of Them, Turn to Page 42 Keep Them, Turn to Page 69 Shane C. Barpo Goodbarrel, Bard Barian Garrett G. AKA One Big Curd Renee the Monster Captain Olivia the Enchanting Bard and Jared, the G aka One Big Curd, Renee the Monster Captain, Olivia the Enchanting Bard, and Jared the soap opera cleric who will be auditioning for Callie's acting troupe.

Winter Slade, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, Damon son of that one merchant named John, Valkyrie the Gert C. Brother, Anthony the Rattest of Dudes, J, the fairies have amended all their ways and are volunteering at their local petting zoo. Yeet! Cantrip Dumbledore the bare onesie wearing barbarian Lexi loves the two crew. Thank you Lexi. Roger L. No-Drog the pass-a-fist barbarian Gino T. John Luca Tristan the talentless hunk, Leon K. Kay legendary hero of Bohemia from a future campaign Shenanigans O'Connor Mios the Great

Joshua S Alexander Linz W Johnny Dude Kay Pavu Eskinar the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile Tim M TR MLG Cheeto Shell B Kenna's first favorite sprite girl what a way to kick off Skulldove, DM, Her Crit, removing my Elizabethan collar in reverence, Snailus, who's infecting Worchester from within, Captain Morgan, Pirate Wizard, Pawpaw Sky Days, Memaw Sky Days, Megan N,

Anthony B, Savannah H, Boundor's best friend Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A, Gimli the Corgi, Poppa and Foster's canine friend, Mikkel A, Josh H, Pilot of the Nightmareverse flight, Froakie, The Two Crew Blew Through, Jennery, Ethan the Mailman, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashesaurus, Seth E., Billy Batson, Tori the Tungsten Draguse, Michael L.S., Michael L.S. the Second, Carl B. Plumber of the Realm, Dex Riddlewell, Hannah A., Ra, Ace Dregs, High Lord of Critsburg, Darius D., The Guy from That One Thing, Troy's Mom, Vin Diagram, Ketamilius the Consumed, A-Gun, Banjo Boy of the Flatlands with Two Working Kidneys, Bard of Holding, Clinton P., Grinchful, Cam the Grinch, Frogman,

Dean, Jake W., Hi Mom, Tuesday Cross, the Choose Your Own Adventure writer, not the porn star, Steve L., Tyler McEm, Alex G., Zibidibackery. Nicole. Kaylee H. Katarina C. Lady Jacqueline P. of Castle Whitestone. Greg W. wants the D20 truck nuts Jake thought up. Baruk Thunderhelm 5th generation Minotaur working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide, literally Satan, Chupac Aubrey, Boney is dead, Cohen Pace, the Duke of Silks missing son, and finally, The Waterworth. Thank you all so much for listening.

Thank you to all of our listeners and all of our Patreon subscribers. We'll be back next week with another episode. In the meantime, you can head on over to our Patreon to listen to our after show, The Short Rest. We'll catch you all next time. That was a hate gum podcast.