Not Another D&D Podcast - Surprise Round! - A Show of Unhinged Hypotheticals

Episode Date: May 10, 2024

Welcome to Surprise Round! A brand-new show inspired by our love of bizarre hypothetical questions. Join Discussion Master Murphy as he leads the crew through a series of wild scenarios.CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to Surprise Round, everybody. He's surprised. He's surprised. He's surprised. He startled me. You have everybody surprised because... I'm shook.

We are doing Surprise Round for the first time ever on the main feed. We've done it for Mixed Bag a few times. If you're on the Mixed Bag tier on our Patreon, you might be familiar with the show. You already know. Yes, it is sort of taking over. Sweeping is too fast. Sweeping.

It's kind of like crawling the nation. It's crawling the nation. It's crawling, yeah. It's dusting the nation. Absolutely. I love that. But it is a show where I will bring up a hypothetical sort of based on the ridiculous conversations that we have on short rests.

And then my players here will kind of answer what they would do in that situation. It's very tenuously connected to D&D, much like many of our conversations are. Yeah, the alert feet won't help you. Yeah, there you go. Wow. It's so tied. We're in trouble now. But we've also done a few of them. So we actually did solicit our Patreon

for some of your own questions. So we will be sprinkling those in. And I have to shout out, reading through some of them was so funny. They captured the voice. Yes. Murph came up with this very specific voice and you captured it so well.

Yeah. The Murphy house style has been mastered. Yeah. All right, so I will kick this one off by the way, just as a little bit of warning, in case it comes up, the Grinch happens to come up in a lot of these. Yeah. Is that a warning for us or the audience?

Both. Is that spoilers for the Grinch? Yeah, spoilers for the Grinch. Just in case the Grinch happens to come up. Okay, great. Starting with scenario one. You are going skydiving for the first time with a few of your friends.

I'm already not doing it. Okay, well, that's not how this works. That you know that's not how it works. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. You are going skydiving for the first time with a few of your friends. Okay, great. Since you have to do your first jump tandem,

you are paired off with an employee. Unfortunately for you, your partner is dressed as the Grinch in an impeccable Jim Carrey Grinch costume or hell, for all you know, it could be the actual Grinch. The costume is that good. Right. While the lead employee is giving you safety tips, the Grinch employee is generally unhelpful. No!

Frequently- Okay, okay! We're not done! I had to set it up! Frequently goofing around and miming that he's going to sabotage your shoe. Oh, classic Grinch. What? Is he miming it when other people see it or he only mimes it when no one else is looking?

He's doing it for everyone and everyone kind of thinks it's funny, but everyone's kind of just like, calm down, Grinch. Against your better judgment, you go through with the jump and in the air, the Grinch pretends to mess with your pack, accidentally undoing a taut carabiner that flings back and knocks him out. Taut carabiner is kind of a sexy phrase.

Yeah, yeah, it's a taut carabiner. But I've just imagined so much potential energy with this taut carabiner snapping and it hits the Grinch in the face. As you and the Grinch plummet towards the quickly rising earth, you get a handle on your equipment and figure out how to pull the chute.

The problem, the easiest way to do this is by cutting the Grinch loose. If you ditch the Grinch loose. If you ditch, if you ditch the Grinch, you will 100% survive and land safely. If you fiddle and attempt to save the Grinch, there is only a 60% chance that you survive. Do you save the Grinch? So I can't hold my hand, then cut him loose?

No, no, no. If you cut the Grinch loose, that's the only way to be 100% that you're going to survive. I love these hypotheticals because I had no idea what the question was gonna be. I know. They always take me on a journey.

Well, it's because it is the Grinch's fault. Like if the Grinch dies here, it is the Grinch's fault, but saving the Grinch is also within your grasp. We have to realize that we would be not thinking with our human mind, we'd be thinking with our animal mind in this show. Sure, yeah. Our Grinch mind, actually.

Our Grinch mind. And so we would be like Grinch to Grinch, there's only one Grinch coming out of this. But it is a little bit of the trolley problem though, right? There is an action required to get rid of the Grinch. So the Grinch isn't, it's not a matter of the Grinch is floating through space and you can grab the Grinch or not grab the Grinch.

You need to cut the Grinch loose. But I'm saying it's, but I'm saying that it's happening so quickly that I don't think that your human mind, like the social human mind is making moral ethical choices. I think the animal brain is making survival choices. Sure. Interesting. And so I think animal Emily cuts the grids.

I feel like I have the same outcome, but not the same thought process. I am clear headed, clear minded. Fuck this guy. You're too mad at the grids. You're dead. He's doing it any cold blood. Yeah, he dug his own grave.

That's true. It was, well he didn't try to sabotage it. He was goofing around. He was goofing. Do you at least give him, do you at least? He was goofing with my life. Yeah, that's true. It was with your life.

He could have killed you. He was making a joke about taut carabiners. Jake, since you're so clear headed, as you take your pocket knife to cut him loose, do you say any last words? He's knocked out. He's knocked out. He's knocked out.

Oh, yeah. So he doesn't even know, you don't even have to look into his conscious eyes. You know for a fact that the Grinch cannot save himself. So it's not a matter of like, oh, I'm leaving you to your own devices. It's if you cut the Grinch loose, you 100% are fine. You have a safe.

That's a genius aspect of this question that you made it that he's unconscious. So anything that the person does is not being witnessed by the person they're doing it to. That's true. Wow. You thought this through. This is like a moral philosophy question.

You can imagine that based on how the Grinch is acting, that when you land, even if you risk your own life to save the Grinch's life, the Grinch will just like goof on. Do we pay extra for like them to film us jumping out of the plane? Yeah, I would say this is a standard. Wait, then there's a GoPro? Oh, okay.

No, you know what? I want to say, I want wanna take this out of the moral. I don't want this to be a thing that is witnessed by everyone, this is a personal decision, so I'm gonna say no. It's just you, the Grinch, and the blue void of the sky. But it is funny that if you save him, he doesn't see it. If you cut him loose, he doesn't see it.

You don't think that this is all you. I have a theory, it's like a infinite Grinch theory, where there's a Grinch that exists in every universe and every possible outcome of the universe. In one of them, it's a Whoville situation where that Grinch learns his lesson by stealing Christmas. In this universe, I think it is the Grinch going skydiving with you, and by saving the Grinch,

you're gonna set him on the right path. And I think that that's why I saved the Grinch here. I try my best to save the Grinch because when the Grinch sees that I saved him, when he sees like the loose carabiner, he remembers that moment. He knows I got knocked out. I put that guy in danger and then I'm like, Hey, it's okay. You know, that's the past, man. You know, we all have a Grinch inside of us, but we're more than that.

We're more than that. I feel like you're taking some liberties with the question. I just have to go with what my heart says. I feel like if I'm not, you're right, there is like an animal brain aspect to it where you're just trying to survive. So there is a good chance when faced with this that I do cut the Grinch loose.

But I do think much like the trolley problem, when you have to actually make a decision, I do think that does allow a little bit of a human decision. And I do think I try to save the Grinch, but I'm so fucking mad about it. Yeah. I think 60% is pretty high likelihood of death. Oh, of course, of course.

If it was 90, 80, that makes it, but like 40% chance you both die. I think though, I'm thinking of it almost for kind of selfish reasons. Cause I am mad at the Grinch. I'm like, right. Grinch. You've done this to yourself. You have in a situation where you're supposed to be the expert. You have rolled the dice on both of our lives. You have almost killed me, but I'm purely just like, I want to be able to sleep at night.

And so I cannot be responsible for the Grinch's death. I need, there's one more thing I need to be able to do. I need to be able to try to take the head off to see if it was a costume or not. Well, okay. I think you are pretty sure it's a person in a costume. So maybe what I do is rather than making a decision to save or not save, I do must both by just trying to see if I can take that. And then you just die. That's the last thing you do. Last thing I see is either the person in the costume

or discover it wasn't a costume. Murph, I think I'm with you. I think I saved the Grinch, because I know that if I do manage to save him, I can be mad at him for the rest of my life, which is good. Yeah. If he dies and I am saved, I feel guilty and also I can't be mad at him. You rest of my life, which is good. Like if he dies and I am saved,

I feel guilty and also I can't be mad at him. You also have to think though as a father, you have to be sitting there being like, what do I do? Picture in Caldwell, severing his ties to the Grinch saying, I'm sorry, I have a daughter. That does make a difference.

Imagine my baby growing up and being like, yeah, my dad died trying to save the Grinch. It seemed like they were both goofing around. Oh my God. Oh God, that is what he was saying. It would look like you were both goofing around. That's him trying to kill me. I return the favor.

I get it. Because he was goofing around in the air. He was goofing around. He wasn't just goofing. Very dangerous. Goofing around before is disrespectful. Goofing around in the air is dangerous. See, around. He wasn't just goofing around before is disrespectful. Goofing around in the air is dangerous. See, I'm just worried that like,

I find out that the Grinch has a brother or something and then his brother was like hunting me for the rest of my life. Oh yeah. It's all. We just came up with a horror movie. I'm gonna roll to see if I survive or not. I do survive.

I got a 53. Oh, can you roll for me? Yeah, yeah. Caldwell got a 53. Can you roll for me? Yeah. Yeah. Coldwell got a 51. Caldwell survives. Whoo. I see a bridge.

And live. Two absolute fucking heroes. Yeah. I think I literally land and then physically fight the Grinch. Yeah. You got to kill him with your bare hands. I'm gonna have to be held back to not kill him with my bare hands. That's the vindication though.

Yeah. Okay. Take this seriously. I've got have to be held back to not kill him with my bare hands. That's the vindication though. Yeah. Okay. Take this seriously. I've got another one. Great. Is everyone ready? I just want, I really want to say that what we've come up with here,

which is a person skydiving with the Grinch, the Grinch is goofing around. They have to cut ties with the Grinch, dooming the Grinch to death. And then the Grinch's twin brother hunting them down is a movie I want to see. It's a possibility.

824, get on it. Let's make it, how about it's the Grinch's twin sister. Oh, that's fun. That's hot. Whoa, the twinch. That's a top-notch winner. Oh, the twinch. All right, is everyone ready?

I gotta wait a minute. All right, all right. Let's all think about the twinch. I gotta think about the twinch. Okay. That's the name of it, I think. You are about to do a psychedelic drug with a group of friendly people. You know with 100% certainty that you are safe,

but you don't know anyone that well. This is a guided meditation where you will see a vision on your trip, then share it and unpack with the group. What? It's like a guided thing. Too intimate, but go on. Sure.

The first few people have intense cathartic visions of dead relatives or great minds from history. They cry and experience profound revelations about their lives as they make meaningful connections with the people around them. When it's your turn, you take the drug and are transported to an empty void where a 1998 version of The Rock is waiting for you.

He gives you the people's eyebrow as your vision begins, then says, you're not going to have a candy ass vision like these other jabronies before bursting into a fireworks display of Slim Jims. You wake up when you wake up. Drugs are good, drugs are good. You wake up and are surrounded by this group of people. The guide asks what you saw.

What do you say? I lie. I think I, my great, great grandfather, sir. Fuck, I lie, but I'm such a bad liar that everyone feels uncomfortable because they know I'm lying. Yeah, you're just like, I saw my grandma. I think I try to like make what I saw seem meaningful.

I'm like, yeah, a strong man, perhaps a vision of me from the future. I don't know, just like he was there. And then there was an explosion of meat. So I guess that symbolizes Providence. Yeah, I think I'm with Caldwell. I think I would zero in on the fireworks and the slim gyms of it all. There was a beautiful light show. I think that you guys could all kind of be like, I think it was sort of a meditation on masculinity because when I was younger, I looked up to pro wrestlers as the archetype of masculinity and here,

so this was me being like, yes, I am claiming my masculinity. The Rock was calling me a candy ass, because I have been a jabroni my whole life. Yeah, I would leave that part out. I'd say the truth, but be like, he didn't talk shit about your vision. The Rock decidedly insults the other people and calls them Gibronis.

It would be such a move though, to be like, yeah, The Rock was there. He said I wasn't gonna have a candy-ass vision like you, Gibronis. I do, I feel like, much in the line of thinking that Emily had, I think wrestling is and was so important to me, that I do think I could cry thinking about this vision

in an extreme situation. The explosion into slim gyms, there's something phallic about it, meat is awesome, it's often associated with masculinity. So it's like this explosion of, you know, I think you guys could- I think you had a meaningful vision. Yeah, I think that what you wrote is- It'd be funny if the second person that went was like, oh shit, I also saw the rock. I lied. Wait, what if, what if I lied and I was like, I saw my grandma.

And then the next person described my exact patient. The rock called all of you candy asses. And then if I was like, no, no, that was also mine. I lied. I didn't see my grandma. That was also what I saw. I didn't see my grandma. That was also what I saw.

I just felt pressured because you said you saw your grandma. I do think I just lie and say that I saw heaven. Yeah. And hell, you might have. I think the fact, if the rock called me a jabroni, if the rock didn't insult the other people, if the rock insulted me, I think I could talk to everyone and be like,

I think this is my inner consciousness calling myself a jabron. And I think it just is a lack of, you know, feeling like I'm enough or my low self-esteem. And I think I could get deep with that, but it's the fact that The Rock insulted everyone else. That makes it- Yeah, that part you can't say.

That part you can't say. That's what makes it a private vision, a private moment, but true in the rock. You could though, you could say that. And then the sort of therapist person would be like, why do you think that your subconscious is looking for, is looking to create hierarchies amongst people's visions? Yeah. Oh, interesting.

Well, actually Emily's got a great point. Because they're candy asses. But you probably get the most out of this experience if you're fully honest. Totally. You can't worry about the other people's opinion. It's about that guide and that you need to give the guide as much information as possible.

Yeah. So if the drugs are going to do the work. I'm saying that like, as someone who's been through a lot of therapy, I can deconstruct this in so many different ways. And on a lot of drug trips too. Wow. And a lot of drug trips too. So maybe the rock isn't so much insulting other people

as is insulting your quick judgment. Yeah. Wow. It's all reflexive. The drugs are bringing that up. What do you need to face in yourself right now? I don't think I would have the courage to be honest, but I do think that's the best thing to do in this situation.

What the rock is cooking here is an onion that we need to peel. Though it would be easy to be like, damn, the rock thinks I'm better than everyone else. Right? Oh man. You open your eyes, you're like, the rock says. I honestly think I would laugh hysterically while also crying and say, I saw the rock.

And then wouldn't tell anyone the specifics of what the rock said unless they really pride. And I think I would say, I saw the rock and then kind of gauge the room. And if everyone's kind of like laughing and like, oh, a bit of levity here, then I might say, you know what happened. I think as the guide, I would probably be like, then I might say, you know. I think as the guide, I would probably be like,

when's the last time you had a Slim Jim? What do Slim Jims mean to you? You're like, I don't know why. It's all I packed for this trip. I have a double bag full of Slim Jims and no toothbrush. How long are we gonna be in the desert? How long is this trip for, by the way? How many days have I known all these people?

Not long. This is day one. This is day one. Day one is the DMT circle. Okay, yeah. I tell them I saw the rock. I ask what their visions were again, and then as soon as they start talking,

I yell, it doesn't matter what your vision was! Maybe I'm just stuck in my attitude era, I need to evolve a little bit. Okay, but I do think, I think that I would probably still lie. I would absolutely lie. And then three people later, I'd be like, sorry, can we actually come back to me? Because I actually, um, I lied. If anyone admits to having kind of a dumb vision, then maybe I circle back and say that

I lied. This is actually great because like, this is my number one worry about ever being in a drug circle. And you've just like fully represented that for me. And now, and now it will continue saying no to drugs. Yeah. I think I, I think I withhold information. I think I maybe say that I saw the rock and then try to unpack it.

But I think what will make it extremely hard. I will say that the other people, they're like, it felt like I lived a lifetime in like a minute. And for you, it literally felt like a sentence from The Rock. So it's hard to even pad your story. Is it The Rock from The Mummy 2? Is he in a really bad CGI? He's in The Mummy 2 come out.

I think this is pre The Scorpion. So he doesn't have pincers. No, he doesn't have pincers for ours. So he does have extremely awesome sideburns. Okay. He's got like that long kind of like mullet in the back. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Oh, cause he can snap off my slim gems with his pincer on. So I think we're all, we're all kind of lying or withholding information. Yeah. I think I'm lying. And then three people later, I come clean.

I come clean and it's deeply embarrassing. No, I translated all to a Bible passage. Yeah, I saw an angel and then I look away. It was too bright. The angel cast judgment on all of you. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I think that's me casting judgment on you,

which is wrong. And there was a bright light and an explosion of meat and honey. Which I think is- Truly the promised land. Plentifulness. I think that's what that is. Now that we've done two of my own here,

Jake, do you want to read one of the submitted ones from the Patreon? Oh, I would absolutely love to share one from Danny. Surprise, surprise. I don't know if I want the Patreon, you just use up all of my Grinch, all of my Grinch room here. This is a Grinch-less.

Grinch-less, okay. I have some Grinch, but this is Grinch-less. The beauty of surprise round is you never know when the Grinch is gonna pop out. That is kind of the surprise. That's become the surprise. That's the surprise. Yeah, because you know these are gonna be hypotheticals.

What you don't know is if they will feature the Grinch or not. That's the surprise. All right, Danny writes, "'You are given the opportunity to compete in a YouTube video where you are given $100,000. You can spend this money on whatever you can buy in the allotted hour. The catch is that you must start inside a Banana Republic. It can be the Banana Republic of your choice anywhere across the country. All of the employees in the Banana Republic currently on

the clock will be hunting. If they catch you, they will receive $10,000 of your budget with the ability to go into the negatives. Oh, you have to owe them? You have a driver to drive you around, but he follows all the traffic laws to a frustrating degree and he refuses to lock the doors. You are forced to wear a bright green tracksuit and the employees have a way to track you,

but with a minute delay. What is your strategy? What do you buy and how do you evade the employees? Okay. Okay. Well, first off, first off, I look, I look for, um, if I get to choose the banana Republic, I choose a banana Republic in a state and city that it isn't popular, like the least popular banana Republic. So there's like only one person working there. Or only two people working there. You want a small Banana Republic. Yeah, not an outlet. We're not doing an outlet.

An outpost, not an outlet. Yeah. Okay, okay. So then are you trying to like get to the nearest like car dealership and get your own set of wheels or what? This is, we need to talk even, we need to get out of this Banana Republic, cause I don't think if it's fully staffed,

you ain't getting out of that Banana Republic. That's yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. Run to pull the fire alarm. That's pretty good. I know they're hunting you. But maybe it will make water come from this.

That's true. You get set off the sprinkler system. You could start a fire in the Banana Republic. That is true. How deep in? Light a cardigan on fire and throw it at the fire alarm. That's true. It just says you have to be in the Banana Republic so you can go. Oh, you go in the load. I worked at JC Pennies. There's a loading dock in the back. Yeah. So you would want a freestanding Banana Republic because then there's a back exit or a side exit. You don't want one in a city. I know that they give you a driver, but you start in a Banana Republic that there aren't,

like that's not very popular. So there's two employees there. And then you forego the driver and steal one of the employee's cars. That's really good. I think that no matter how you slice this, you are gonna have to tangle with one of the employees, because if it's a big store with a lot of employees,

you're gonna wanna take one out and steal their uniform. I think you need to take a low stance and run at them so that they flip over. Reach your hand right into their pocket. The problem is, the problem is, as soon as you start tangling with one employee, the rest of the employees pounce. No, you gotta lure one out.

You gotta like, maybe you like try to mimic their boss's voice or something like that. They know they're hunting you. They have technology. They're hunting. They're a minute behind you. They're trying to get you. I'm looking at all the different banana republics in America. Just search worst banana republic. There's one in West Des Moines. There's one in Iowa that I think might be the spot. Okay. Okay. I'm seeing a lot of exits. Jake, how close is that Banana Republic to a Cabela's? Cause I might just need to like find myself like some sort of hunting net or some equipment of some sort.

So you're hunting, so the hunted becomes the hunter. I think that's the only way you get out of here. I don't think you're not home alone in your way out of this one. This is a foot race. And if the first Banana Republic person catches you, you're done. So you think this is all over like within minutes? This is all done in or out. If they catches you, you're done. So you think this is all over like within minutes.

Like you're either in or out. If they grab you, you're done. Cause as soon as you're in a wrestling match with one person, if four other people join on their side, you're caught. Right. Then you suddenly owe them tens of thousands of dollars. Yeah, then you're so caught.

I have an idea. Cause the person didn't say anything about this. I start this, I'm wearing this green track suit, but I'm also wearing a blonde wig. About, about, like right as, right as it goes off, I drop to the ground in an army crawl, take the blonde wig off, army crawl out of there. There's looking for a blonde woman in a dream track suit.

They can track you, I know who you are. This is so perfect. No, Emily. This is not perfect. You No, Emily, you know those like, you know those circular clothing racks, the circular clothing racks? You hide, you hide in the circular clothing racks. And they look for you. You do what the guy did in the Hunger Games.

Basically you drop to the ground. You have one minute to get out of the Banana Republic. You drop to the ground, cover yourself in cashmere cardigans, and army crawl out. That's too cumbersome. Look at that pile of clothing that can't be her. Let me tell you, you grease yourself head to toe. And you wear roller blades so you can be hidden, OK?

You hop out. You go where the deliveries come in the back. You greased up. So as soon as the first person tries to wrestle you, you can slip away from them. You're not knocking anybody out. You're not gonna be able to tackle anybody. You're not gonna be able to wrestle with anyone.

Cause as soon as one Banana Republic employee grabs you, you are done. So you gotta be slick and then you're faster than them. Cause you're on roller blades. You have to be greasy and wheeled. I have another, I have another good idea for that very first minute. You rip a fitting room door off that has a mirror on it

and use that like a shield. I thought you were gonna say that you like use it to distract them. What do you mean? What do you mean you use it as a shield? Like you are, you're shielding them from seeing you by holding a mirror. No, that's not how they see us themselves.

What do you mean? Jake, can you, I need a rule for- It's not Medusa. And also I light a cardigan on fire and throw it at the sprinkler system. That's really smart. Jake, I need a rule clarification. So like if they catch you, they just, there's a penalty of money, right? Or is the game over? Yeah, you owe them 10,000. So you could absolutely be ruined by this game. But could you just create a banana alliance with two employees?

You like get two of the employees you think could really help you. You don't have time because they grab you instantly. I think you, yeah, you let them grab you and you say like, here's the thing. And then 10,000, 10,000, 10,000, more guys come, 10,000, 10,000, 10,000. Do you have to use the driver? You don't have to use the driver. You have the opportunity to.

I think I don't. I think you start a fire, you start a fire, and then you're greased up. It's hard to start a fire. You can't have to use the drive. You have the opportunity to. I agree. I think you start a fire, you start a fire, and then you're greased up. It's hard to start a fire. You can't do that instantly. As soon as I'm crouched in the corner, trying to light a pair of chinos on fire, somebody's gonna catch me.

You're not on Survivor where like you have to start it yourself. It's just you light like a pair of pants on fire, and you throw it into other pants. Pick up a clothing rack, like a coat rack, and I start swinging it like a baseball bat. Trying to clear the path It's one of the instantly swarmed though. They're a fully staffed Banana Republic

Which means let's say there's like 12 people in that so many people Okay, the whole ball game is getting out of the banana You can't and you can't get out they'll never catch me. I think you can't start a fight I think what I want to do is I want to ask to start in the dressing room and I am gonna try and escape escape through the vents. Yeah you can you can start in the dressing room. I was gonna say I think I still I think I'm gonna stick with my blonde wig and then my camouflage pile of cardigans and then I crawl over and the second I'm outside I take a manhole cover off and I'm under the street. You take to the sewers. I take to the sewers. You all live in Cartoon World. Manhole covers are so fucking heavy. Yeah. Yeah, you need a special tool. I say, hey, driver, I need help with this.

I'm allowed to use you, and I need your help with things, manhole. Actually, the driver is a really good angle here, because what you do is you get the driver to run over you in a convincing way, and then everyone's just like, oh, they're dead. Can I get the driver to run over you in a convincing way. And then everyone's just like, oh, they're dead. Can I get the driver to lie for me? Because I can say, hey, I need you to say

that I didn't take the car, but I'm in the trunk. Oh. And there's a blonde wig. Uh-huh. This is what you do. You appear, you grab a mannequin. Oh, yes, you don't do any of this. Hold on, let me finish. Let me, you let me finish. I let you do. You appear, you grab a mannequin. Oh, yes, you don't do any of this. Hold on, let me finish.

Let me finish. I let you finish. That's really, yeah, no, I see where you are and this is a really good strategy. You barrel out of the store with the mannequin. If the drivers game. If the drivers game. They're not cartoon characters.

You put the track jacket on the mannequin. With the blonde wig that I originally thought. With the blonde wig. Put that in the car. I think you have to keep the track jacket on. Oh, you have to keep it on. All right, fine. Mannequin in the car, tap the back. I think you have to keep the track jacket on. Oh, you have to keep it on. All right, fine. Mannequin in the car with the blonde wig.

Mannequin in the car is not bad. The blonde wig. And that's what the blonde wig comes into play. And you're greased up on roller blades. Exactly. Yeah, you've prerecorded a speech on your phone. You tape it to the back. And that blonde wig, and they come out of the store,

they turn and they see the blonde wig driving down the street. Yeah, that blonde wig, and they come out of the store, they turn and they see the blonde wig driving down the street. Yeah, the blonde wig, I put it in like a really, like a really distinct hairstyle. I do like one of those like, one of those early aughts hair bumps. Sure. You know?

A side pony. A side pony. That's smart, yeah. With like a, like a a statement scrunchie. I think the mannequin deception, you can find that with a matter shield. You're set. Yeah.

I do think this is all, this is all decided within like the first 30 seconds. If you make it out of that Banana Republic, you are probably able to spend that money. Is this happening at Banana Republics across the country? Yeah, for sure. It says you can do it at any Banana Republic. But I'm saying like, are there other?

I think it's like a viral marketing campaign for Banana Republic. Mr. Banana Beast. The thing though about the marketing campaign is that immediately you leave the Banana Republic and it's making their employees seem so dangerous. And you light all of their clothes to acquire. That's because it's a marketing strategy for American Eagle. Yeah. Okay. If it works then Banana Republic doesn't have to pay their employees because you're doing it. Yeah. Oh, I see, I see.

Oh, okay. And they're selling the green tracksuit. Okay, cool, cool. You think this is like a employee bonding experience? I wonder, it says you have an hour, right? Yeah, an hour to spend 100,000. I wonder if there's a Banana Republic that's in like an outlet, like outside of Vegas.

And so you do a standalone Banana Republic. You escape on rollerblades all slicked up. You put the mannequin in the car, car drives off. You get into your own car in your rollerblades and drive to Vegas and then just gamble like crazy. Picturing a foot in a rollerblade pressing on the gas. So dangerous. Oh, you crashed.

It's so rad. Yeah, is the spot, is there one right outside the strip? There's four in Vegas, yeah. In Vegas, it's gonna be really big though. That's gonna be so many employees. Yeah, that's true. In South Vegas near Henderson, Nevada, you might actually get away with it.

So we're starting in Henderson, Nevada and we're driving a car with rollerblades on. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many employees there are, except that it only matters up to a certain point, right? Because as soon as two people grab you, you're fucked. Yeah. So you can't, you're not going to be able to wrestle off two people, they're just going to,

more help is going to come. It's going to be a dog pile. You're going to get grabbed. Yeah. Although there is a gonna, more help is gonna come. You're gonna get grabbed. Although there is a certain amount of employees where it's like all of the exits are covered. There is a real chance. I wanna go back to the Las Vegas thing. Then we can be done, which is that like you roller blade

into the casino and then you can multiply your money so quickly there. That's what I'm saying. That's a really good idea of rollerblading into, but they have a tracker. They have a tracker on you. Right, but you have a minute. But not for a minute. It's a minute behind. It would beading into, but they have a tracker. They have a tracker on you. Right, but you have a minute. But not for a minute.

It's a minute behind. It would be so easy to, you just like go. Or you would just lose all the money and then they would find you as you're getting dragged out of the casino. But even if you, yeah, that would be bad. Oh, but maybe that's cover. If you're getting arrested, they can't get you behind bars.

Whoa! Then you wait it out. You rollerblade out and then get taken to jail. We solved it. Going to jail is pretty smart. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, we'll just give it another try.

Yeah, I think you go to like a couple roulette tables. You do it real quick. You casino hops. You're never there longer than like a minute. Hey there, NAD polls. Did you know that about 75% of people have subscriptions that they've forgot about? Truly, even if you think you have your number

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unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Goodbye, sweeties. Okay, I've got one for you guys. You live in a nice apartment building and generally get along with all of your neighbors. A unit next to yours opens up and you notice a young couple getting a tour. One person is named Carol,

and she seems genuine and friendly. Her partner, however, could best be described as Grinch-ly. He is wearing an impeccable Jim Carrey Grinch costume or is quite possibly the Grinch himself. As they walk around the apartment, Carol keeps tearing up and saying, this is it. We're finally out of the hole. Something in our price range that is clean and safe. We're going to be able to build a home. The Grinch is not mean to her, but mostly just grunts in agreement. When they go to leave, Carol says, I can't wait to be neighbors with you. But the Grinch hangs back. When Carol is out of earshot, the Grinch leans in and says, Christmas is going to be hell for you this year. Then walks off to join Carol.

Later that afternoon, the building manager asks you if they should approve the new couple. What do you say? I say, give me Carol's number. She needs to know. She needs to know what her partner said to me. Wow. Okay. So you say, I'm concerned about Carol.

Carol thinks she's with one man, but she's with another. Well, it does seem like the Grinch was acting Grinchly. Yeah. But it does seem like he has a soft spot for Carol. So it doesn't seem- I'm not worried about Carol's safety. I'm saying like, Carol's with a bad man.

He's putting on one face for Carol and one face for me. Sure. It's being duplicitous. Is there like a Carmella Soprano situation where like it's never clear that she knows, but she clearly knows? Well, she certainly knows that her boyfriend or husband is the Grinch.

Right, yeah, she knows how much. I don't know that she knows that he's menacingly pulling people aside. I'm saying to Carol, hey, your man isn't done ruining Christmas. Okay, so you see this- I know you think that his heart grew, but it needs to grow a bit bigger. Yeah, yeah.

But you see the manager looks concerned. As soon as you say like, can I get Carol's phone number? The manager goes, well, why? What is, is there something wrong with the couple? Cause we need to make sure everybody's clear. I tell the manager because it's not just my Christmas that's getting ruined. You think he's going to have fun just ruining it

for one person. No, he ruins it for the whole building. Okay. So you do, you do tell. Yeah. I ruins it for the whole building. Okay, so you do tell. I think it's the right thing to do. You tell the building manager exactly what happened. You know, like that's not information for me to withhold. Like yeah, Carol seemed great, but I think it was the Grinch.

Whoever the guy was. Maybe you have a gut check with the manager. Like it was either a guy dressed in an impeccable Jim Carrey costume or maybe it was the Aggrinch. It could have been the Grinch himself. It's fine. No issue there. But what he said to me was that my Christmas was going to be hell. I thought I was off-putting.

I feel like we don't know each other well enough to be throwing around that kind of language. I feel like he might've been joking around, but we don't, I don't know. I don't know him well enough. He might've been like trying to make me feel comfortable. Cause it was like, obviously he's like dressed as the Grinch and it's like, that's kind of just like the whole bit. He's just like, oh, watch out for Christmas.

Right, I'm just kidding. I guess there is a part of me that when this happens to me, I think I'm like, okay, this guy is committed to the Grinch bit. I think he's joking. I don't think he's actually going to like ruin my holiday, but do I want to live next to someone who's gonna joke around as the Grinch all the time?

Right. Yeah, which one's better? If it's actually the Grinch who wants to ruin Christmas or if it's just a weird guy who's gonna ruin every day. What sort of garb is he wearing when he's just on a, not holiday Grinch? Grinch garb. Well, standard Grinch garb is naked. He's naked. He's naked, okay. So he's not wearing a suit over the Grinch costume. No, no, okay. See, that's cause for alarm right there. Yeah. Well, it does seem like he wears it all the time.

Again, we are in the dead of summer. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like he's clothed but more naked than ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think this one's straightforward. I mean, like, I do feel, I think I tell the manager this,

and then I'm like, would you mind if I, if you gave me Carol's number, I want to tell her that her man's not done ruining Christmas. Wow. Oh, okay. So you think that this is like a problem, like the Grinch is trying to quit.

Yes. I think that she saw the Grinch. Hey, hey, hey, hey, Carol, can we get coffee? Yeah, exactly. And be like, I know that like he said, he's like, he's done ruining Christmas. It's still on his mind. So Emily like dives in really deep

to this couple's interpersonal relationship. Because I feel like I do the opposite, which is I always like, I never want to give anyone a bad review or anything, even if they are very bad, or even if it's like a dangerous Uber driver, I'm still just like, I don't know, I guess I won't rate them.

I guess that's how bad I'm going to get. So I think in this situation, I think the manager asks me and I just go, ha ha. I don't know. The guy who stresses the Grinch, he said this thing to me. He might've been kidding, right? I don't know. I don't know.

I feel like the building manager is saying this kind of in hopes that you agree with them. You're like, maybe they're like, oh, the Grinch was weird. Right? Like, yes. And he was weird to me. So like, maybe everybody has the same experience. Well, I think what if the building manager doesn't know

and was just like, hey, this couple's kind of perfect on paper, but like, did you see, I wasn't here. Did you see? Did you see any red flags? I think at that point I'd be like, wait, can I see the paper? What was his name? Was it first name, the last name Grinch? It's in her name.

Oh God. So it looks like he's- But she has to list the other person who's gonna be cohabitating with her. Okay, so are you gonna tell on her? I'm not gonna, I mean, he knows the Grinch was there. The manager does not know that the Grinch came by. So I am moving the goalposts a little bit.

I'm gonna say this is almost a situation of like, when you have like a roommate that has like a significant other or something that's around all the time. And so Carol's there and she's like, look at my beautiful new apartment. And Grinch is like, yeah, babe, I'm gonna be over all the time. Oh, wow.

This actually does complicate it. This makes it real hard. But I think you could still just be like, the boyfriend was kind of weird. Actually, this gives me access to Carol though, to say he's not, girl, he's not done ruining Christmas. So like, you wanna like sacrifice your Christmas to save Carol, is what you're getting at.

Yeah, yeah. That's so noble. Oh, Christmas Carol is the movie of this story. That's beautiful. I'm saying no instantly. Yeah. That's so Christmas Carol. Or Christmas Carol. Is the movie of this story. Yeah. That's beautiful. I'm saying no instantly. Yeah. Is there anything wrong? Is there anything wrong?

Oh, yeah. No. You just have to be like, people acting strange. No. No. Going to say no to that. Like, for multiple reasons. He's like, he's dressed up like a weirdo.

Number one. Number two, I know that this weirdo specifically likes to steal Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Although, oh God, it could be kind of fun. It's like I'm going back to the home alone thing where it's just like me getting to defend my house against the Grinch. Like that's every father's fantasy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

It does add a new ritual to Christmas. Which is kind of appealing. You're allowed to kick the Grinch's ass. Yeah, you have to like home alone, booby trap your house so he doesn't steal your Christmas tree. Cause it's true, like if I can successfully defend the home, I've cemented myself as a good father. If I lose in that moment, I'm done.

I'm toast. Yeah, I have to leave. This is another one where the stakes are raised by having children. Cause like the Grinch isn't trying to ruin just my Christmas. It's just Christmas. He said Christmas is going to be hell this year. My whole family? That's Christmas for my daughters. You don't even know what he has planned. You're not getting this apartment.

I think I tell the truth, but with a smile. Like, I don't know, people, right? Yeah. The fact that it's just in Carole's name and I really liked Carole, I'm like, yeah, she has a weird boyfriend, but I'm gonna endear myself. First night she's there when the Grinch, oh, when's the next time your boyfriend's working? I'd love to like have you over, you know,

have like a little wine, meet each other. And then, you know, half a rose in, I'm like, hey. So M not only like will not vouch for the Grinch, but will get the Grinch broken up with him. M goes the whole nine yards with him. I think I take Umbridge with the building manager. I'm gonna be like, I don't know. I'm like, why weren't you there?

Why are you out-sourcing this to me? Why are you out-sourcing me? So Jake doubles down the combativeness. I didn't like the guy. Why are you outsourcing this to me? Why are you asking me? You're gonna do it. So Jake doubles down on the combativeness. I'm not a chart. He's willing to not only confront the Grinch, but to confront the building manager on asking him. Sir, will I be paid a consultant fee for this?

Oh shit, what if you go to the building manager and he's a Grinch too? Well, then that's its own issue. Yeah, it's its own can of Grinches. Yeah. That I think you just need to leave. You need to break your lease. Get me done with that.

All right, I got one we do. I'll do one more and then we'll get one more. We'll end with another Patreon. Okay, yes. Great. All right, okay. Everybody ready? Yeah.

Okay. Uh-oh, you've clogged your toilet. You call a plumber and sometime later, a man in a wizard costume shows up. Awesome. I'm so hot. Yeah, you're on board, great. Is the staff a giant plunger?

Yes, yeah. All right, yeah. You chalk it up to some kind of marketing gimmick and let him in. When he sees the clock, he pulls out an ancient looking tome that strangely seems to glow with power, then holds out his wand and recites a passage in a forgotten language that you do not understand. To your surprise, actual magic ejects from his wand and clears the clog.

However, the wizard begins rapidly aging. He looks horrified and says to you, Oh no, I have used too much magic to break all this shit. Then turks to dust and explodes. What? His ancient tome crashes to the ground. Do you open it and try to learn magic? Yes.

Knowing full well that a man just died from using so little that I barely- It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, yes. This is the start of your journey. Because in the very beginning of that, my reaction is I weep and I beg to be his apprentice. So I want in on that.

Right. So you think that the wizard does a couple cantrips to impress you. He's just like, oh yes, now the wizard doesn't do anything. So he only breaks out your shit. That's the only magic you see and it kills him. And it kills him, yeah. This comes at a great cost. I mean, I am very reverential of the book.

I don't tread lightly on it. It's like, I'm experimenting with it. I think I go on a full like movie style adventure to try to find the source of the book. Maybe a secret cult of wizard plumbers and you know, work with them and learn the ways of wizard plumbing. Does it give you pause that this wizard died from unclogging a drain? No, because you said he aged really fast, right? Yeah, yeah.

So in my head, I'm like, he lived an entire life. There was so much magic that he, that he was able to not die for such a long time. Wait, why would the opposite would be true? No, no, no, but I agree with what Jake said. You could draw the conclusion that he had been preventing himself from aging with magic and then in that moment he used enough that the magic broke. I would think the opposite. I'd be like, are you a young man that

that worked with like a lesser clog this morning that turned you into an old wizard and now you're dead from the big clog? No, I see what they're saying. It's like the rubber band snapped. You're like pulling it, pulling it, pulling it. All of the magic overflowed at once. That would be your assumption. That's my read on it. Wow. Did the wizard come in a truck? Is there like a truck outside?

Just a regular ass truck. And the other plumbers, like when you call and you're like, hey, I think your employee kind of like exploded in a dust at my house, everyone just goes, oh no. Yeah. I'm not calling them. I'm calling them and I'm being like, Hey, um, this happened. I want to meet, like I, I will take his place. And well, there'd be like, you gotta go to, you gotta go to plumbing school,

the Academy. No, no, no, there is no magic Academy. This one plumber was a wizard. It was not actually a gimmick. You just assumed that when the wizard shows up. No, I didn't think it was. These other plumbers are not wizards. I don't think it was. Yeah, so then I would be like, okay, so where did he get his magic book from? Right, sounds like a good question.

Because I want to go to the circle of the Unclogged totally. I do agree, despite this very tame display of magic killing the wizard, I do think the idea of magic being real does unravel me. And I do think I ultimately die from using this book. I do think I still use the book. In this scenario, you would have the knowledge

of how epic your shit was. That's, yeah. You guys have such a sunny read on this. But that's true, like you are the chosen one. Like you have infernal shits. If I really laid a heater, if there was a log in that clog, I would be like, yeah, it one. Like you have infernal shits. Yeah. If I really laid a heater, if there was a log in that clock, I would be like, yeah, it makes sense that you died.

I saw that coming. I think regardless of where you fall on this, all of us are going on a journey. Yeah, I think all of us still are just like, wow, magic was real. I still will do it. This becomes a, I must penetrate the mysteries of the world journey, like no matter no matter what, no matter the consequences.

I think you try to track down any information you can. I think you look at the book like for like a couple days, you're just like, I couldn't, could I? And then you crack it. Jake brings up a really good point though. And I think it explains why the other plumbers are being cagey is because you do have the turds of legend. Like you, like the refuse from your body is so magical,

it kills a wizard. Can you imagine like what magic dwells within you? Yeah, so maybe that's a good, that's another thing is that like, it wasn't the magic expenditure that killed him. It was your clock. Yeah. Right. Right, then you have to go to your parents

and you gotta be like, hey, are we evil sorcerers? Yeah. This is a toilet half full situation where you guys are seeing the optimist side of it. Where I am just like, this is the suckiest, shittiest wizard of all time who dies from the worst spell that like a snake could,

like a simple tool could have fixed. But instead we're sitting here being like, this wizard was using magic to stymie his aging. And then in the moment faced with- Such liberties! Faced with the raw potency of my shit. It was undone. So fucking optimistic.

But also I really think my first movie is, I don't even think I'm just I don't think I spend a couple days with the book. I think that I try to find the source of the book and I get on a plane. I'm on a plane day two. Yeah, I think like this my journey is I'm like the bearer of the grimoire. I'm like, yeah, my life's mission. My life's mission becomes learn about this book of magic.

Yeah. And can I master what this wizard did not? And I don't think that I have magic shit. I think the wizard just saw. My personal read on this situation. Do you think maybe it was like a stolen book? Like this wizard stole it and like tried to make, being a magic plumber is all damage.

I don't know if the wizard stole it or they just like just didn't have that dog in them, but they could not. I think the book is powerful, but the wizard was not. And then it's my opportunity. Yeah, I do. I do agree with that. Yeah. Ultimately, this is awesome. This magic is real. And also my also my toilet's still clogged.

I don't know how to deal with that. So I need to get out of town. The wizard sacrifices themselves to unclog your toilet. So so it does work. That's great. That's cool. Oh I would you know what I would do I would immediately try to take another shit or stuff it with more stuff so and so I could see if he magically unclogged it where it could never be clogged again. Wow. Because then that would be that would be more powerful magic than I was anticipating. That'd be worth giving your life. That would be like that would be like powerful magic than I was anticipating. That'd be worth giving your life. That would be like after I found the place

in which the book was conceived and the esoteric cult surrounding the book and ingratiated myself, harnessed the magic of the book. I'm a wizard myself. I've faced off against the evils of the world. And then I come home and see if my toilet can ne'er be clogged. You come home from your journey, you take a shit, you flush it. You're like, oh, that's going to clog.

Oh, it did it. What? Huh? The sacrifice you made. I hold up the dust of his memory. And then you flush it. And then I flush it. I think I am just absolutely desperately looking

for this book to hope that there's more than just like plumbing tips in there. I'm like, please, please just be a general magic book that this wizard was just using to plumb, but that I can actually use to like fly or something like that. Yeah, I think I find that the dark secret is that like all of the plumbing and pipes

and sewage in our world is actually how magic is transported from one place to another. And it's all baked in. It's like an arcane highway. And that's just like a dark truth that I have to live with. I wouldn't be okay if it was a grimoire of house chores. That would be fine with me because magic would still be real. And then I would be like, well, let me find other grimoires. There must be more. It got to be out there. Yeah. I can't can't read a book of Emily's sewer mage. So we all seek the forbidden magic.

Emily Axelrod's sewer mage. White orange sewer mage. She goes by many names. The legend grows. All right, why don't we go ahead and do one more submitted surprise round. All right. Our last submission from Haley M. Haley writes,

you have been saving the most delicious leftovers from your favorite restaurant for lunch. It's been on your mind all day. It's finally lunchtime and you're so excited to dig into your food. But when you open the fridge, not only is your food not there, but Jerry from Tom and Jerry is laying

in the empty container. No! No! Oops. Aw. His belly cartoonishly round. He's so sleepy from eating all of your leftovers that he doesn't even notice you in the fridge.

Aw, Jerry. What do you do? Do you let him get away with it? Or do you go full Tom on this little hungry mouse? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Or do you go full Tom on this little hungry mouse? Is he a cartoon or is he a almost cute mouse? Like a cartoon.

A cute mouse. I think he's actual Jerry. Yeah, he is Jerry. He is a cartoon mouse. It's a cartoon Jerry. Okay. Yeah. Well, if he's a cartoon mouse.

This is sort of like who framed Roger Rabbit rules. Yeah, totally. I'm a human, he's a cartoon. Okay. Yep. Cause if that's the situation though, I know that Jerry is nigh on immortal. So I am just going to go ahead

and splat him right then and there. Oh. Wow. Cause you know that he'll respawn. Yeah. There's like a, there's a small chance he's not going to and I'm gonna have to bear that weight. Right, well there's more than a small chance

because you're real and you might just. That's true, I don't know how the physics interact. You don't know how the physics interact. You might for sure kill Jerry. But like if I smack Jerry good and he just pancakes out, then I know that cartoons exist and I'm living in a cartoon human hybrid world. But Coldwell, your dream comes true.

You see real Jerry, cartoons are real, but you kill Jerry. I'm not killing him though. What if you do though? You don't know how they interact Do you remember what happened to that shoe and who friend brought your rabbit? Right? That was a real death. You're right Yeah, I don't want that. Okay. Yeah, my first instinct is to smat him, but then I do I do just get a cat I just get my own dumb

I'd be afraid that I would be like Tom like you go to you go to smash him But then like he wakes up moves out of the way at the last second. You smash your hand through like your refrigerator shelf. I think everything falls over. I'm definitely upset about the leftovers. Don't get me wrong. But the fact that cartoons are real kind of opens up a whole new world. That takes precedent. Right.

So I think I I'm mad, but I think I tap on Jerry and I try to talk to Jerry. Because Jerry usually doesn't speak, does speak in some of the movies. Yeah. But I think we'd be able to gesture and I think perhaps we could have like some kind of a communication and I could see if I could be more of a Spike than a Tom. Interesting. I mean, I don't know the cartoon that well, but it's like is the dog that is friends with Jerry. It sounds like Jerry.

He's just like there as well. And Jerry kind of like uses him as like a bulwark against Tom. Emily's gonna leave. It sounds like Jerry. Well, he's not really friends with Jerry. He's just like there as well. And Jerry kind of like uses him as like a bulwark against Tom. Emily's gonna leave. It sounds like Jerry. She's trembling. It sounds like Jerry is always causing trouble, right? So though it seems exciting to think,

oh, cartoons are real. The bigger thing is, oh no, I have an immortal cartoon that's gonna cause problems in my house every single day. Is he gonna start chewing wires? Is he gonna destroy my TV? Is he gonna- Yeah, if he follows cartoon logic, but you have to keep living your life.

So he's doing a ton of damage to your home. He's destroying everything, but all you can do- Property damage and theft every single day. You can pancake him, but he just keeps popping back. You go to like chase him into a hole and then you bang your head super hard theft every single day. You can pancake him, but he just keeps popping back. Exactly. You go to like, oh, you go to like chase him into a hole and then you bang your head super hard and you get a real concussion.

All your teeth fall out. This is dangerous. So I'm saying that like, cartoons are real. Doesn't occur to me as much as I need a cartoon exterminator because the list of things he could do to my house right now is costly. What cartoon can defeat Jerry though? Tom can't defeat Jerry, Tom will destroy your house.

There's probably, I'm thinking of, we had to like, we had a bunch of critters under our house at one point and I needed to call a guy to like come capture them and release them into the wild. And he was like this gruff, cool dude with all these cages and I'm picturing that, but, and he was like this gruff, cool dude with all these cages. And I'm picturing that, but, and he like showed me all the animals in his cages that he had picked up that day.

And I'm picturing that, but like with cages filled with cartoons and him being like, yeah, I'm going to bring them to the forest. I got some real stinky cheese. You can see it's got a little wafting line. The mouse is just going to float along this line right into the cage and I'll take him back to the forest where he belongs.

Because this guy also kind of liked the raccoons and the possums. So this guy being like, yeah, you know, this cartoon, I get from him every once in a while. I do think that I say Tom, because I think that this is just your life now. Like you have no choice here. You just have to like,

you have to just bear witness to the narrative. No, see, that's what I don't want. You could play right into Jerry's hands. So I just don't react. I'm pissed, but I'm like, whatever. And I just shut the fridge. Because Jerry can't be a menace without me reacting like he's a menace.

But do you know? He's going to eat all your fucking food, dude. Jerry is just going to keep eating your cheese, though. He's going to eat your food. I'm going to eat out from now on. He's going to chew your wires. Oh, yeah. You think Jerry's not gonna follow you?

You just accept the fact that Jerry took over your home? He'll get bored, cause he won't be able to get to me. Absolutely not. Okay, but then when you go to use your toothpaste that night and there's little cartoon teeth gnawings on your toothpaste. Yeah, you came at the one thing I care a lot about is dental hygiene and I'm not into it. He's an absolute Venice. I try to kill him. I think you could actually, to go back to Culver's point. Yeah, you came with the one thing I care a lot about is dental hygiene

I try to kill him. I think you could actually to go back to college point I got a I got a variant because of all my teeth problems I got a very fancy toothbrush and if I came home and I saw that it had been chewed to pieces And I had to replace my fancy toothbrush. Yeah, I'd be mad You definitely you definitely don't want to be the Tom because you don't wanna become Tom, be like getting knocked around, having your teeth turned into piano keys and all of that. But if you have Tom, it actually seems like Tom and Jerry live in a nice house

and it does seem like stocked. So Tom is doing a good enough job to pacify Jerry that the family in the house does seem to live a normal life. So I actually- Right. It's the cat that's miserable, not the humans. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I do, and I do think ultimately Tom does like chasing Jerry. So you need an intermediary cartoon cat, and then it's just they're living out their drama

and you don't have to think about- Yes. That's what I'm saying. How do you go about getting a cartoon cat? Because you know the cartoon mouse. Well, I think if Jerry exists, you can hope that I think Jerry's not going to give up where Tommy is. Right. But the question is, what do you do if you see Jerry? It doesn't really go beyond that. So I think my answer is I try to find, I try to find Tom. I tried it. I I'm like, okay, I see Jerry here. First off, I wake up and I'm like, Hey, Jerry, are you just stopping by?

Are we friends? Like, can I just like feed you every once in a while? I've got a bunch of neighborhood cats that I feed. Could I just feed you and we'll be cool? And if Jerry kind of like sticks his tongue out and like, you know, does like a cartoon, like he's gonna speed away. If he speeds away, then I'm looking for Tom or I'm going to pull from deep Looney

Toons lore, right? Okay. Okay. So the power of the sort of protagonist in this like cat and mouse game, much like, you know, Bugs Bunny cannot be like Elmer Fudd can never beat Bugs Bunny. Right. Right. We'll say Bugs Bunny power level is similar to Jerry's in that they're always

being chased but cannot be caught. But there is one person that defeated Bugs Bunny and that was in the retelling of the Tortoise and the Hare parable. There's a tortoise that has a rocket shell that is actually super fast and that is one of the only cartoons where somebody gets the best of Bugs Bunny. So I and Bugs gets like very frustrated. He speaks the truth. Yeah. So I think I would try to find the tortoise from the Looney Tunes retelling of the tortoise in the hair because he should have a higher power level than Jerry. It's true. This is the problem though is that like if that happened, Jerry could always call his cousin Muscles who is a very strong mouse

who wears a bowler hat and then he would just beat the shit out of you. Yeah, what do you do if you see muscles in the... I think I see muscles, I try to kill them. Emily and I have checked out. Emily and I are gone. I did like the psychological version of an Irish goodbye. No! I saw Emily's nose. Her soul Irish exited.

Her eyes blazed over. Much like Tom when he gets hit in one of his nine lives goes up to heaven. Tom and Jerry is the new Fledgestone. Irish disassociated. Yeah, I did an Irish disassociated. So I think yeah, your only option here is just to like submit to the cycle. You have to get the Tom and Jerry cartoon ecosystem going in your house. That's the only way you're gonna survive.

I think you try to chat with Jerry. If Jerry is not amenable to an alliance, then you gotta get Tom in there just to have the Cat and Mouse theater so you can get on with your life. I call the guy who, when we had a problem of too many critters under the house, released some into the woods.

And then I say, can you do this? Can you take these back to Toon Town? I don't know. Can you just let them lose at Disneyland? I know technically it doesn't fit in, but presumably it makes some friends. I think it'd be a delight for the children. Wait, I guess, yeah, like it wouldn't be Disney, because these are Warner Brothers. So yeah, Universal. You can take a Universal. Oh, maybe like one of the Carnival cruises that has the Looney Tunes on it.

Yeah, just let this mouse loose on a cruise ship. You take a little cage with cherry in it on a Carnival cruise ship. And that's going to be expensive, because you do have to pay for the exterminators ticket. Yeah, you get stopped at border control. Yeah, you're not allowed to bring animals. Yeah. No, you don't understand.

It's a cartoon mouse. I'm taking him home. You have to keep that, sir. That's your mouse. All right, we're going to go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. You can head on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash NADDPOD.

Don't sing yet. Don't do it. Don't do it. To listen to more surprise round, I've got a few here and we've got a bunch of user submitted ones, which may I just say were excellent. They were excellent. It was also really fun because I realized that listening to,

I realized that the way that Murph has phrased these and what people are doing with their submissions, it's bringing in the choose your own adventure. Yeah, a little bit. It's giving you the way they're written. Yeah, a little bit. It's giving choose. The way they're written, yeah. Yeah, we're having a lot of fun with this. So we hope to continue to do some more of these.

In the meantime, does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? I'll plug just going to the woods and standing quietly and listening to nature. Sure. Listening to nature and all the released cartoon mice. Yeah. Hey there, pal.

Just meditating. Nevermind, you can't escape it. Yeah, there's a lot of annoying critters out there. Oh, I will say we just got a new variant of the Moonstone shirt in our shop. It's a tie dye summer variant. We did! Yes!

Oh, yes! Just in time, we got the tie-dye vibe going on there so please go pick one up it's gonna be perfect. You know it's a perfect shirt to get wet in the pool with. Yes. Sweet, in the meantime you can also follow us on social media there at stagemerchme at caldyscaldwell at EX for Demily and at jac which is Jake. And he tweeted about the show using hashtag Nat pod. That's NEDDPOD. We are, we are the youth of the nation. We are, we are the youth of the nation. Hey, hey, hey, it's time to thank our benevolent council of elders and they are Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord,

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the Choose Your Own Adventure Writer, not the porn star, very good, and of course, Adam H. Thank you everybody. That was a HateGum Podcast.