Not Another D&D Podcast - Surprise Round! - Houston, We Have Zero Bars

Episode Date: September 6, 2024

Welcome to Surprise Round! A show inspired by our love of unhinged hypotheticals. Join Discussion Master Murphy as he leads his crew of Rowdy Rounders through a series of wild scenarios that may or MAY NOT feature the Grinch.CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to Surprise Round everybody. Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Everyone's so surprised, even though we've done this five or six times. My flesh, my flesh is goose.

Yes. I've just goosed my flesh, sir. All right. We are your surprise rounders. Sure. Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no. You're your surprise rounders. Sure. Oh wow. No, no, no, no, no. You're Rowdy Rounders. Yeah, you're right.

Rowdy Rounders? Yeah. We're the Rowdy Rounders. Rowdy Rounders works. Brian Murphy, I think, as Emily Axler, Jake Hurwitz, Colville Tanner. What's the one? Surprise.

Surprise. Surprise, everybody. How's everybody doing? Good. We should have surprise names. I'm Wildcard Hurwitz. Wildcard Hurwitz. OK, out of nowhere, Brimer.

Oh, grab your butt, Emily. What? Oh my god. Jesus. I meant more like, oh my god. Grab your own butt. OK, change that to grab your own butt. Emily's not grabbing. Let's make this clear. Let's make one thing clear. Emily's not grabbing your own butt. You're grabbing your own butt. I'm nowhere near your butt.

Let's make this clear. Let's make one thing clear. Emily's not grabbing your butt. You're grabbing your own butt because she's here. And that's her nickname. And you grabbed your butt from the stability of feeling the cheeks and your butt. You needed to grab your glutes and stabilize your core because Emily

actually's here. Caldwell, do you have one? Do you have anything that we need to clarify? Called who, what, why, when, where. Oh, that's good, that's pretty good. Yeah, thank you. All right. Yeah, and I steal people's knees. There you go.

Let's go ahead and get into it. I've got one right off the bat. Ooh, right off the butt, let's go. This is kind of a convoluted one. Your own butt, you and your butt. Yeah, everyone grab their own butts. Just their own butts. When they say hold onto your butts,

they're talking about your own. They are. Get your mind out of the fucking gutter. Keep your hands to your butt. Well, they don't say grab your butt. I think I- They say hold onto your butt. Right?

Yeah. I don't entirely know why it made sense in my head before it came sense in my head before it came out of my eye. I think specifically because of hold on to your butts. The hold on to your butts is about an inner brace. Yeah, that's your own clench. We all got there and we enjoyed the ride.

All right, everyone focus up because this one has a lot of hats on hats. Oh boy. A convoluted mess that I've written here. Ready? You've set terrible expectations. Okay, ready? It sounds like a critique of this podcast.

No, you're gonna think it's going one way and then it kind of goes another way. Is everybody ready? Okay. You are offered a spot on a NASA shuttle on a PR space mission. They want to send- Nah dude, nah dude.

You're already out? What the fuck is this show? I don't trust them. Literally what is this show? Hey guys, we're sending a podcast to you to space. So, let me finish. Let me finish. Okay. It's actually pretty fun. They want to send a D and D player to space to roll a D20 in zero gravity. Wouldn't that make a fun little morning news segment? Isn't that kind of fun? Oh my gosh.

I can get on board with that. You're assured that you will be safe and that the rest of the people on the crew are seasoned astronauts. Can I argue that that would be the worst role of all time? Yeah, it wouldn't land. It's not a role. What would count?

It's not a role. All the things that are pleasurable about a role would not happen. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. But you're so close to the moon to cook your dice in the evening. That's really good. I think we've already forgotten the format of the show.

Go on. Hear me out. What if, all right, so it's not that you're rolling the dice in space, you're dropping it from low earth orbit so that it like lands on earth. Right, and possibly penetrate someone's skull. Right, but I guess you need to make it

out of like titanium or something. I'm gonna have to start over because this has gone on so long. Surprise, we're still the same idiots. You are offered a spot on a NASA shuttle on a PR space mission. They want to send a D&D player to space to roll in speed 20 and zero gravity. Isn't that fun? Me?

You're assured that you will be safe and that the rest of the people on the crew are seasoned astronauts. On the day of the launch, however, you meet the lead astronaut, a man in a Grinch costume or hell, the suit is so realistic, it could be the Grinch himself. When you question him, he says, this is just a regular space suit with a fun holiday theme. No one else on staff finds this weird or concerning.

You are placed in the cockpit and the shuttle is getting ready to launch. The Grinch has been strangely quiet, but then pipes up as the rocket begins shaking. He says, two things to remember, astronauts. Have fun up there. And if you have to shit or piss, you can just go in your suit. The other seasoned astronauts nod. The Grinch then begins pulling at levers with such force, it seems like he's going to break them and punching buttons with his fist and grunting angrily.

Suddenly the countdown starts. There is a big red button near you that will abort the launch, but doing so means you probably won't get a second chance. Do you stop the launch? Hearing this has made me realize the deep respect I have for scientists and the mystical way in which they operate that I instinctually know I'll never comprehend. I see the other astronauts chill, I'm chill.

I'm assuming this is all how it's done. To me, I think clearly as soon as the Grinch is in there and he's like going ham on these levers and buttons, that signals to me that they have lied to me, that think clearly as soon as the Grinch is in there and he's like going ham on these levers and buttons That signals to me that they have lied to me that this is not about sending the first D&D player into space This is a psychological experiment to see how a normal person responds to stress. Yeah Yeah Scientifically punk, yeah, I think we NASA couldn't do Like a social experiment like that.

I think let's just, for the sake of the argument, like let's just believe that I did a really bad job reviewing all of the documents I had to sign. Cause that does seem like something I would do. And then you look at your suit and it's like, NASA. And you're like, oh God, what have I done? I'm worried it's a home security thing about getting rid of the Grinch.

And they just use me as like a veneer. Oh! Wow. To convince the Grinch that he was gonna go to space. And this thing is not coming back. Oh my goodness. I'm so conflict diverse. I think I've ignored all of the red flags.

And I think I die up there knowing that I had the chance to abort the mission and I didn't. I really, I think I would say no to this to begin with, but if I find myself on this mission, then I did not understand the respect I have for astronauts and scientists until this moment, I assume this is all normal. I think growing up as an 80s slash 90s kid,

the idea of being an astronaut and going to space is so ingrained in you as being a thing that you can like aspire to do. Like the space program was just like more robust back then. Did any of you guys go to space camp? It seemed so aspirational. I did not. I wasn't like a smart kid.

I was afraid to be away from my mom for that long. Yeah. Well then you couldn't be an astronaut, dude. I did not, I wasn't like a smart kid. I was afraid to be away from my mom for that long. Yeah, for sure. Well then you couldn't be an astronaut, dude. And that's the main reason. So I went to a Christian boys camp, so I was kind of like sitting to a higher plane in some way. Oh, okay, so you were approaching the space of heaven. There was a lot of Gs there and they were all God.

They were all Catholic. So here's where- Zero G, how about two G? God and Holy Ghost. Here's where I'm at. And Jesus. In some translations, it's a G. Yeah. Oh, Jesus made me choke. Jesus Christ. I think I'm 50-50 on this because I think it's more about being conflict diverse for me than it is about respecting astronauts. I didn't know how much I do. Emily's all about the astronaut respect. She thinks she's in good hands.

It's a scientist respect. For me, I'm scared of space travel, but there is just like the boyhood dream in the back of your head. Yeah. Like, surely I'll go to space someday. That's just going to be something that happens. That like, if somebody gave me, I think so. Yeah. I think if somebody gave me the opportunity and they were just like, Hey, we're going to do this really stupid PR thing. Do you want to go to space? I'd be like, yeah, I'll go to space.

But I'm also scared of space. You'd have that the rest of your life. Sure. Like I was in space. I am an astronaut. Yeah. That's so cute and whimsical that you wouldn't nurture that little dream. Well, yeah.

I mean, I think that, I think most people would jump at the chance to go to space if they could. Am I wrong? Okay, Jake, Jake wouldn't, can't be away from his mom. Wait. True, you did move away from LA pretty quick. And then Caldwell, what about you?

Would you say yes to the idea to begin with? Can I get confirmation that my death is gonna be above the fold in the newspaper? I don't, I think you go into this thinking you're not gonna die. It's like the Grinch would be above the fold and you would be a footnote and the Grinch is obituary. Yeah, the Grinch would be the headline.

Yeah, we're not even at the Grinch yet. You would be like continued on A12. I'm Space Odyssey, Grinch foils NAS-O mission. Yeah, gotcha. But you nurture a 12. Space Odyssey, Grinch, Boyle's, NASA, oh mission. Yeah, gotcha. But you nurture a dream. No, absolutely. I feel like I'm picturing the moment where like we're like orbiting and I'm looking at the earth. It's that beautiful blue marble. I'm like, wow, really makes you think. And then the Grinch like puts his hand on my shoulder and says, sure does! I think I also have had too much motion sickness in my life to ever think that going to space

was ever a possibility. Oh, I'm fully not built for it. I also get motion sick. I would vomit and then pass out. But you can do that in your space suit. That's true, totally. Think about how cool it's gonna be, because you're gonna need to prep for this mission.

Imagine NASA's gonna let you basically work out at the NASA compound to get like ready for the mission. So you're gonna get to like lift with astronauts to get like buff and ready. Yeah, but that's fine. But I think my problem is not gonna be the buffness. It's gonna be, they're gonna spin me in circles and I'm gonna throw up and they're gonna be like,

can we get a different team to play? There's so many of them, more popular ones too. This one has no constitution. Do you think that the Grinch is going to shit in a suit and it's just gonna get like all in the fur? I mean, it does suggest that. So now, so, okay, so. Okay, did that give other people pause?

Cause that, I think if I see the other astronauts happy, I'm like, yeah, that makes sense. For me to know that I can shit and piss in my suit, I want to have been like connected to someplace where it would go. If it's just going loose into my pants and they say that, then I'm like, can I? That to me is a sign, and I've written it as such,

that is a sign that the Grinch is not all there. Right. And that is not actually prepped. Because that's a wild thing for an astronaut to tell you, is two things, have fun up there, and number two, I love that though, I really love that. Did we? You love that? I love it. There's so many things you have to be careful I love that though, I really love that. Did we? You love that?

I love it. There's so many things you have to be careful of and have to do. Hey guys, have fun out there. I just, I like that this is maybe billed as like the first fun NASA flight. We're just doing one for fun. Like all the other ones.

We had a D&D player and. All the other ones were for science. This one's just for us. Yeah. I think there's an element of like how cool and casual it's being treated that makes me feel like, oh, this is okay, he's wearing a fun costume. We're not talking that much beforehand.

They didn't, you know, hook me up to like something I can piss in. Here's where I'm at though. So I do, I mentioned nurturing the sort of just like boyhood thoughts. It's like, of course I'll go to space. That's just a given. That's just what happens when you get older,

you go to space at some point. So I think I do, I do want to go to space, but also because of all the many disasters that have happened, I'm also on high alert that I'm like, as soon as this doesn't seem right, I'm out of there. So to me, this is not about trusting the other astronauts because there have been trusted astronauts on other flights that have ended terribly.

So I'm not- Yeah, for sure, but if he's doing this and no one is, none of them went bad because of the Grinch. I know none of them went bad because of the Grinch, but I'm saying I don't trust the Grinch here. I think this is very unprofessional. I think this is weird. I think I'm talking to other people. I think this is weird. I think I'm talking

to other people. I'm being like, he can't breathe in that suit. There's no way. Right. And then to me, it's purely just during the countdown. It's like, do I have the guts to save my own life with all of the social pressure and all of the news being live and everything? It really comes down to, I think I would have been out several times before, but if I have gotten to the countdown, I'm not pressing a button. Yeah. Oh no. I don't think I have that in me.

Okay. And also like maybe, you know, I feel like every time they go to space, they accidentally invent something weird. And like maybe the Grinch like pissing in his suit is going to like reveal something we didn't know about like polymer fibers in a way that's gonna like make it so that we can recycle plastics better.

Right. I don't know. I think my read on the situation is not that it was particularly scientific or smart of a thing of thirds to say, I think it was just a wild thing to say that would make me go like, oh, I'm actually, I'm gonna tap out here. I think I'm back around thinking about the piss and shit thing.

I'm back around to the psychological experiment because I think that maybe this is, it's either a prank on me where like the suits clearly aren't diked up. There's like no like recycling system built within them. They're just waiting to see if I do it. And then they're gonna laugh at me when I do. But it might, I think, again,

I think that the Grinch is there as like a psychological crux to like try and like force me to do things I would normally do. I think as someone who just made the mistake of wearing a jumpsuit on a two leg flight across the country, the amount of times I had to disrobe to pee was so frustrating. And if someone had said to me,

you could just pee in that jumpsuit, I would have been like, thank you so much for letting me off the hook. That's a green flag. That's a green flag, so I wrote this question wrong. That was just good for you. Yeah, a green flag is cool. It's the French. Everyone's into the pissing and shitting. That's a green flag. That's a green flag. I wrote this question wrong. That was just good for you. Yeah, a green flag is cool. It's the Grinch.

Yeah. Everyone's into the pissing and shitting. That's not the issue. The captain of the astronauts. I'm not into it. I wouldn't relish it, but I would understand the efficiency of it. You would just nod solemnly.

I would be like, ah, yes, a scientist's take. I think here's how I might get the courage to abort the flight, right? Yeah. Is I think as, I think way before, first off like Jake, I think I'm already out before it even gets to this point. I think I've already like tapped out and just been like, please call any other D and D player.

I'm also not going to be that charismatic. I'm just going to be scared. I'm going to be more there for space than not the weird rolling thing that you guys want to do in zero gravity. I actually don't think that's that funny or cool. I think it's going to be a really unsatisfying role. Yeah, I think it's not going to be great. And you guys don't realize how unsatisfying it's going to be.

Yeah, so I think I sign up and then as soon as I meet the Grinch, I think I'm looking for a way out. I do think that once the Grinch says that weird thing and then starts like punching, punching the buttons and just pulling at levers. I think I'm on mic just like, Houston, what the, explain the grinch to me right now where I'm pressing this button. Explain the grinch. What if one of the scientists leans over and says,

hey, you can't talk to Houston, man. I'd be like, fuck if I can't. Then it's important, then it's't, then it's a board. Then it's a board. Then it's, then it's fuck you in particular. If they tell me I can't talk to Houston. You're just a fucking podcast. You can't talk to Houston.

Private Murphy, private Murphy. The Grinch is classified information. I've got the button right here. I have the power to end this. I say really quick, I have the power to end this. I say really quick, I have the power to end this unless they have a really clever comeback. Yeah, I don't know. Honestly, 50, 50 chance that I just, I cower and I just let the Grinch blast us off into space. I think yeah. History has been decided for me.

There's going to be like a scientific journal written about like, you know, the Tanner paradox or something like that. We're like, you know, they know exactly when your mind will break in space. As soon as there's a countdown, you will follow the Grinch anywhere. Houston, the man is tannering. If you're on live TV and there's a countdown, the Grinch can convince you to do almost anything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, my name becomes a verb. Yeah.

You got Tanner. This is dude. Yeah. The Grinch hijacked a space shuttle. This is TNT celebrity. Tanner, the whole crew. Tanner went along with it. No one else proved that they were an astronaut. They just nodded. Don't you dare push aboard. We have a scientific mission to do. You don't understand their calmness though,

proves that they're a scientist. All right, so I think, I like to think that I have the courage to stop this, but I don't know that I do. I'd like to say that I try to stop it unless one of these other astronauts has a really good comeback or Houston has a really good comeback.

I'm getting out. Personally, I never say yes to this to begin with, not because of the Grinch, but because of the motion sickness. Yeah. Okay, great. All right, and Caldwell's in because of social pressure. Social pressure.

Introduce a new verb. Mm-hmm. I feel like this is my chance. Jake, where are you at? Like I said, I think I'm out many times before. If it's counting down, I'm not gonna press the button unless there's one last ditch effort where I turn to the other scientists and say,

should I abort? And if someone- Confirmation! If anyone hesitates, I'm pressing that button too. What if then one of the scientists- If anyone is like, yeah, maybe, then I'm like, okay, I can be a hero and someone told me to do it, so I'm gonna press it. But then one of the scientists- If anyone is like, yeah, maybe, then I'm like, okay, I can be a hero and someone told me to do it, so I'm gonna press it.

But then one of the scientists says, it's actually not a real button, dude. Then I press it. If any of them are mean to me, then I cower and we take off. Yeah, I press the button, it just goes, oh, gah. It's not a real button, that's a joke. Are you not a scientist?

Every single lab has an abort button, that's a joke. Are you not a scientist? Every single lab has an abort button, that's a joke. This is NASA's first fun flight. We're just having fun on this one, dumbass. I press it and it says, that was easy. If the Grinch is being poised and professional, I follow the Grinch to space, no questions asked. Pictures of you and the Grinch to space, no questions asked. And then I have to. Pictures of you and the Grinch. Like both of your hands.

It does ruin it a little bit. Both of your hands holding a D20 as you throw it and then it never lands. Right. The audio captures the moment that the Grinch shits his pants. I. There's nothing cool about it because in all of the pictures

it's like daytime news fluff of me rolling a dice that doesn't roll it just like goes to the air. So all the pictures, it's like daytime news fluff of me rolling a dice that doesn't roll. It just like goes to the air. So all the pictures are terrible because it's that and the pictures of me in the Grinch. I immediately know, like in Council of Others, there's always the, what illustration do you want? And I immediately know what my answer will be. The Grinch. Just Murph and the Grinch. Tandem throwing on D20. I think you just have to ignore the Grinch. And like Caldwell said, just look at that big blue marble

and just marvel at it all. Marble at the marble. And if the Grinch is poised and professional, I'm going to space with him. And if he's not, I'm pressing abort if I have the social courage. It's the only place we've ever known. Our only home.

So Caldwell's the only one that's like, no matter how nuts the Grinch acts, I'm going to space. As soon as they close the door, I'm in space. I gotta trust the science. All right. And he pissed in his suit before they said it was okay. Yeah.

If for some reason I said yes to this, then I also go, but without a worry of anything other than motion sickness. Yeah. Yeah. For some reason I said yes to this, then I also go, but without a worry of anything other than motion. Sure. Just picture me and the Grinch. We're shaking hands. We're both wearing like naval admirals outfits. We're in our dress whites because we've been promoted for this mission. Yeah. I think like I put it in to be like deeply concerning and you guys don't seem as concerned with it is like the punching buttons and really pulling levers really hard.

Again, I've never flown a spaceship. I know, but I think you can tell when someone's like really frustrated or I don't know. I've never been in the cockpit of a jet and if someone was just like bashing the buttons and like, fuck. But he said, hey guys, let's have some fun. Let's have some fun up there. But I also said he grunts angrily as he punches the buttons and like, fuck! But he said, hey guys, let's have some fun. Let's have some fun out there.

But I also said he grunts angrily as he punches the buttons. Yeah. So he's not having fun. He's not following the rules. Or maybe, although you could argue maybe the way the Grinch has fun is by being grinch-like. Yeah. That's true.

Again. They've never done studies on what happens when people have fun in space, and that's what's happening here. Exactly. All right, so let's just have a little fun in space. Let's just have a little fun in space. All right, why don't we go to user submitted. Yes. Surprise. Exactly. All right, so let's just have a little fun in space. Let's just have a little fun in space. All right, why don't we go to user submitted.

Yes. Surprise around here. All right, we've got one from Amil. Amil writes, you are going to stay at an old college friend's house. You were very close, but haven't kept in touch since graduation. They are super excited to see you

and you quickly fall into your old dynamic. Oh, great. When they drive you to their house, you notice they are somewhat a reckless driver, but not to the point where you feel in danger. If you ask to stop, they insist that you go into the house first for vague reasons. When you enter their house, the first thing you see

over their mantle is a large suspiciously realistic Sonic the Hedgehog head mounted like a deer. Ha haified expression on his face. If you comment on it the friend laughs and says in a joking tone that they hit that weird-looking animal while driving home after graduation. Oh my god mounting roadkill like it's a prized hunt. If you identify it as Sonic they act as if they have no idea what or who that is. And that makes sense. That makes sense.

They're nervous though, and clearly lying. Your phone has zero bars. No! That should be in like almost every single one of these questions. Your phone has zero bars. That's now entering every question. Right, that's a prerequisite. Yeah. Your phone always has zero bars. Let me add that every question. Right, that's a prerequisite.

Yeah. Your phone always has zero bars. Let me add that to all mine. There you go, please, yeah. Your phone has zero bars. Because it really does turn it into a horror movie, to say, also, your phone has zero bars. Also, you can't call your mom and ask her what she thinks.

Which is my nightmare. About the Grinch punching buttons. As the night goes on, after going through a bottle of white wine together, friends insist on you staying at their house alone while they go to get food. What? What?

Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, they're gonna go pick up food. They're just gonna go pick up food. Hours past, you hear banging on the door. You can see through the peephole, short yellow and red figures, but you cannot get a good enough view to confirm what they are.

They demand that you open the door saying, I know you have him, you can't hide forever. Oh my God. You do not believe if you say that you're not the homeowner, they'll believe you. What do you do? I climb out the chimney. But they're so fast.

I reverse Santa. It's gotta be tails and knuckles. Yeah, I mean, they're not as fast as Sonic, but they're still damn fast. Number one, your friend is lying. Like they're saying that they hit Sonic with their car. Absolutely not. If this stopped a while ago and it was just like,

do you stay at your friend's house with a mounted Sonic head? I am just fully willing to believe that my friend is just doing a really weird bit and just for some reason reason it's a Sonic skull that they put on the wall. I would touch it and be like, this has to be- Careful, the quills. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying I would touch it,

assuming that an artist made a fake taxidermy Sonic hedgehog. It's from the set. It's cool home deck. Like, I don't hate it, just as a mantelpiece. I'm not willing to believe that cartoons are real yet. But it's when I see knuckles and tails that I shit myself. Can I suggest that there's an aspect of this question that we need to consider, which is we've split a bottle of,

what was it? Was it specifically white wine? We've split a bottle of white wine. So we're not tired, that's good. So we're making all of these decisions half, like with half a bottle of wine in our system. Yeah, we drank even more because this friend was like driving, so you'd think we had to do majority of all.

I wouldn't have let them get back in the car. We wouldn't have let them get in the car. So we downed this bottle practically by ourselves. Have you guys ever gotten into a car with a friend and then they do drive really recklessly and you're like, holy shit, I did not know this about you. Yes, me. I'm that friend. Hello. For sure. It always is like a funny revelation that you're like, oh God, why if I agreed to it? You're not reckless. You're just nervous. I think it is that,

you know, what happens is like I, when I'm in the car, I'm like, I am hosting a little party on wheels for everybody. And I like start talking a little too much with all the people that are in the car in the passenger seat, and they don't pay attention to the road enough. And that is my fault. And I recognize that. Actually, I've driven us like from Houston to Austin. Yeah, you're a great driver.

You're a very good driver. You're a very good driver. That's awesome. Yeah. That's why I chose this question. Yeah. I knew we'd get here somehow. Okay, okay. So, we'd get here somehow.

Okay, okay. So we're half a bottle of wine in, I think, and there's no bars, right? So when your friend isn't coming back, you can't, I think that maybe I would look for, this isn't, no, there's not even gonna be a phone that I could use. Well, I think, first off, I don't even answer the door when someone is like knocking to drop off a FedEx package. I'm like suspicious if anyone knocks on my door.

So if Sonic or if Knuckles and Tails are knocking on the door and saying, we know you have him, I'm lights are off. I'm hiding low. And do you hide Sonic? Cause like there's a chance they might break in and then they'll see him on the mantle. Are you like, I should hide him.

But I let them, if Sonic is real, if Sonic is real and my friend, my quote unquote friend killed Sonic, I'm down for Knuckles and Tails to beat the shit out of them. I have a different idea, because I think it is unrealistic that I'd be able to climb out of the chimney, but I could go into the chimney and shimmy up a little bit to hide in there.

Yeah, I think I hide. You don't think that Tails is keen sense of smell? He's a fox after all. Wouldn't be able to find him instantly. Tails? No, because it's gonna smell like nice hearthside fires. But the chimney might be how Tails enters the house. Oh, no.

He jumps so high. Yeah, he can fly up there. Spins his little thing. I don't know. Okay, then I guess I die. I don't know how. Because I go for a chimney, especially with half a bottle of wine in me,

I go for a chimney shimmy. You go for a chimney shimmy. You chimney shimmy? A chimney shimmy. I mean, if you're trying to hide, that's gonna be a good bet. I think the only other thing you could do is go in the backyard and see if there's any deer shit

and haul around in it. I feel like as soon as you try to run, as soon as you try to make a big move, yeah, we should run that back over. Yeah. Well, because obviously that would disguise your scent and the tails would be confusing. Be like, oh, there's just a deer roaming around back there. Does mechanically, again, I really only know Sonic from the books, not even the movies.

Actually the TV show. Does tails have a good sense of smell? It's never brought up. Is that mechanically? No, it's never brought up. It's just a fox and foxes have good senses of smell. Right, but he's not an actual fox. Real hedgehogs don't run the speed of light or whatever. Right, but the real hedgehogs have quills and Sonic has quills.

You have to assume that they have all their animalistic characteristics. We've read about folks. No, his name is Miles Prower. He's from another planet. Yeah, it's not. Another dimension, excuse you. I mean, Tails is real and he is my friend, but in this scenario,

but we don't know how many real fox things he has. I think if you don't assume he's got all of it, you're fucking dead. He also has like multiple tails. Right. He's not a real fox. Oh my God. I'm gonna put this out there. He's more than real. Okay, we're fucking dead. He also has like multiple tails. Right. He's not a real fox. Oh my God. I'm gonna put this out there.

He's more than real. Okay, we're gonna look up, does tails, does my- Does tails sense of smell? Does Miles tails frower? Go to the Wiki. Have a good sense of smell. How it auto filled him,

have a good sense of humor, that's so cute. Why was anyone Googling that? Maybe someone was really getting a kick out of him and then was like, I need to know if other people are feeling this way. Sonic Wiki, Tails has an extremely strong sense of smell. Yes! That got him to track.

Wow. Fuck. I think we're dead. We're fucking dead. We just have to beg Knuckles and Tails. Yeah, that's my plan. The deer dung plan. Yeah, I think I trust, I have to trust

that Knuckles and Tails are good aligns. And also, look, this is a college friend who apparently murdered Sonic. I don't have any allegiance to him. Not even just murdered. It murdered and like joyfully turned into a trophy. And it's been bossing you around all night too actually, not letting you leave the house.

I pull out my driver's license and I'm literally like, I do not live here. Knuckles and tails. Slide it under the door. I'm like, wait around and I'll help you trap him. I love Sonic as much as you did. Open the door and just, thank God you're here. I found Sonic as much as you did. Open the door and just thank God you're here. I found Sonic. Yeah, I think I like him instantly on their side.

I'm like, can you use the emeralds to bring him back? Yeah, I'll say I just tell him the whole story straight. I just read back this surprise round. I'm like, this dude was driving reckless. I think he accidentally killed Sonic on the road, but he was proud of it. So that's its own kind of crime. He's got problems. He's a third of Chardonnay deep right now.

Yeah, this isn't okay. And then I show my ID and I say, I know you're really mad, but I don't live here. Oh, this isn't me. And to show like, look, I can't run that fast. I show that I can't run fast. You guys can catch me. I'm going to sit here, keep me in your sight.

When this guy comes back, beat the shit out of him. It guys can catch me. I'm gonna sit here, keep me in your sight. When this guy comes back, beat the shit out of him. It's fine with me. And Tails, because he's got tech savvy, can also do a background check on you and make sure that you're not actually a resident there. So yeah. There you go. Okay, okay. Okay, so we beg for forgiveness.

And we offer to set the bar. No, I think, but what forgiveness do we have to ask for other than sorry I chimney shimmied when I didn't know. Emily, you are gonna hide. I chimney shimmy and then think better of it and then unshimmie and then I open the door and I'm like, shoot me if you must. Hands up.

Getting punched by Knuckles would hurt more than anything in the world. He's so strong. We all flip on our friends so fast. We all flip. Jake, where are you at? I'm flipping on my friend. I'm opening the door, being like,

my friend did this, I can help. This also isn't a friend. This isn't a friend. This isn't a friend. This is a college friend who murdered Sonic the Hedgehog. You know, it's been a long time since college. Something has shifted in them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I am spending the two hours that I've been waiting for the friend to come back with the food being like looking for biographical moments that may have triggered the shift. Yeah. Yeah. Also, I think there's a real chance that your friend knew what was up and they have just set you up. Yeah. Oh my God. That's true. Also, like, is my friend like a skin shifter or something like that? Oh interesting. And like there are actually, there's like something else going on.

You guys, I actually have, on this topic, I actually have a great next question. No. You guys have no idea how close these two are. Oh no. Okay, so this one we have kind of solved. You beg for forgiveness and show your IT. For forgiveness, climb up the chimney, think better of it.

You have the deer shit in your hands and then you drop it again. No, no, no, I did cover myself in deer shit, but I can't undo that. You smell kind of funny. You can't fight, because not everyone can smell it. I thought you had had great sense of smell dude. You can't flee because they'll catch you. I'm so sorry sir. Sorry. Your breath just smells like Chardonnay I can't really get a read. Alright is everyone ready? It was actually a re-sling. Okay I'm launching. I'm a child. I'm launching. Okay yeah.. Hey everybody, it's Emily here to talk to you

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instead of blue. He's going to be starring in Sonic 3, which comes out. It's awesome. He's the edgy Sonic the Hedgehog. I might get it no matter what. Yeah. He's voiced by Keanu Reeves in the movie. It is enormous and takes up your entire neck,

and his spikes encroach on your chin. Which, back of neck? Front of neck. Right, front of neck. Front of neck? When you switch, when you shift forms with your mystique powers, the shadow of the hedgehog tattoo stays.

Do you take the trade? Your phone has zero bars. No, I don't. Okay. Okay. Shit, so I can't reach out to ask anyone if I should take this trade. You can't ask anyone.

Yeah, the person that offers you these powers, this is up to you. Your phone has zero bars. When you say shadow of the hedgehog tattoo, is it a picture of his face, or can it be like the symbol they introduced for him? No, no, say Shadow the Hedgehog tattoo, is it a picture of his face or can it be like the symbol they introduced for him? No, no, no, no, no, it's a picture of his face. Okay. The quills on my-

It is Shadow the Hedgehog's head on your neck. Okay. The quills on my chin are just gonna make me look like I have, what's his name? Thanatos or Thanos? Thanos? Thanos. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's gonna be so unflattering.

It is gonna be that. I'm less worried about the neck than the quills on the chin. The colors on Shadow the Hedgehog are kind of cool. They're pretty rad. They're great, yeah. I kinda think I take this cause I change up my looks so often,

I think I could pull off a Shadow the Hedgehog neck tattoo. I think people would be like, this is unexpected, but not entirely unexpected. I actually think it's more out of pocket for Jake or Caldwell to have a Shadow the Hedgehog neck tattoo. That's for Emily or me. He doesn't have quills really.

He just has spiky hair. Yeah. It is true. Like Murph, you've got like a really nice sleeve of tats going. And I feel like if you just- If I got Shadow the Hedgehog neck tat, they'd be like wild swings.

Yeah. Yeah, people have people about it. But I respect it. Right, yeah. I do think I would have to cover myself in tattoos. Right, yeah. So no one was just talking about the Shadow the Hedgehog tattoo.

You'd be like, you love Shadow the Hedgehog. Right. Well, no, I also love you. Well, I love every tattoo. I love all my tats. I just have joy all over my body. I can't do anything to cover this up. Can I wear a scarf every day?

Yeah, sure. Okay, I can become a scarf guy. All right. If I have X-Men powers, I'm probably having a signature costume anyway. So maybe I'm just scarf scarf guy. All right. If I'm like, if I have X-Men powers and probably having like a signature costume anyway, so maybe I'm just scarfing it up. Well no, so you don't get to be part of the X-Men or anything.

This is just your life. Like you have to be married with your Shadow the Hedgehog tattoo on your neck. You have to have it. Does it come up to the chin line? Like. Yes, yeah, yeah. It's like.

You could really effectively, even with the tattoo, pretend to be like a primarily goalie though. Yeah, true. Like I would buy that for sure. I think you could get a rad Shadow of the Hedgehog neck tattoo. Yeah, and I think a collared shirt, it doesn't hide the fact that you have a tattoo,

but it would hide the fact that it is a Shadow of the Hedgehog tattoo. Can you tell me more about the pose? Can you tell me more about the pose he's making? I think it's just his head. Oh, just his head, okay. When you skin shift, can you like become, or like when you use your Mystique powers,

if you turn into someone who's really buff, are you just suddenly really buff? Yes, but I don't think you, I don't know that you get like any extra strength. Yeah, does Mystique, I don't think she gains any extra abilities. I believe Mystique is on her own, has like martial arts training and is strong. I don't think she gains any extra abilities. I believe Mystique is on her own, has like martial arts training and is strong.

I don't think she takes, she doesn't take on other people's powers. Morph. Don't add me, I don't know. Oh, okay. So you almost have vanity muscles that you don't know how to access. Correct.

Amazing. I'll take it. Yeah. Can I just use this to make myself look a little more buff? Yes, definitely. Oh, God damn. I just feel like I could come up with so many looks that would compliment this tattoo.

It's true. So like me, it wouldn't work on me, but I would probably just have like a bunch of personas that it does work on. Yeah. I am. And now that as we, at first, as we talked about it, I was like, I was like, yeah, I could do this. But then I'm like, why do I really want to just like turn into a bunch of other people? If I have a shadow shadow, the hedgehog neck tattoo? Like what am I trying? What am I trying to do? Yeah. I'm not trying to assassinate Charles Xavier. I don't know if I need to.

Yeah. It's like, why do I need to do this? I guess it's cool just for like your own. If you're just like, Oh, I want to change this thing about myself or something like you can do that. That's pretty rad. I wouldn't have to work out anymore. That'd be sick. That would be sick. Maybe you like leave a party and then you shape shift into someone else and you're like, wow, does everyone really think about Caldwell? Like you can do that. That's pretty rad. I wouldn't have to work out anymore. That'd be sick. That would be sick.

Maybe you like leave a party and then you shape shift into someone else. And you're like, wow, does everyone really think about Caldwell? Ha! That's so weird. That would ruin your life. But then they would be like,

that's crazy because you actually have the same exact tattoo as Caldwell. No, I'm putting my fart ball. You have the same neck tattoo as Caldwell. That's wild. Everyone would be like, yeah. I mean, I hate his new tattoo, but otherwise he's fine.

Interesting, interesting. Yeah, I guess I'm trying to think of practical use for these powers that aren't super manipulative. And I'm like, I guess the only thing that you could do that's not manipulative is just to be like, I would like to be absurdly jacked. Yeah. That'd be sweet. I think that's where my mind goes, is I could almost have who I was be a fashion choice. Yeah, that's where my mind goes is like, I could almost have like who I was be like a fashion choice.

Yeah, that's true. And then like when you're, it really lubricates life to walk through. Like imagine just making yourself the hottest person ever. Even with that neck tattoo, everyone just treats you so much nicer. Yeah. Right? So it's like, oh, I got to fly today. Everyone's going to be so nasty and unpleasant.

What if I'm so fucking hot that everyone's gonna be so nasty and unpleasant, what if I'm so fucking hot that everyone's nice to me? And then you're like, oh, I'm walking alone at night, I'm gonna turn into the most jacked dude ever. You can use it to just like kind of make social situations easier of just like walking around. There's a chance that you become so hot with this power that shadow the hedgehog tattoos become a trend.

And you're just like shadow mania. I think a lot of people could make shadow the hedgehog neck tattoos. When I And you're just like shadow mania. I think a lot of people could make shadow the hedgehog neck tattoos. When I say I think I could make it work, I don't think that I would look good. I just think that people would be like, huh, okay. I guess he would do that. Like they wouldn't be like, oh, he's gotten completely mad.

They'd be like, he did this as a bit, I guess. Who do you know would be fun too is like guitar. You have to have bigger hands or, you have to have bigger hands. Or like it pays to have bigger hands, you could shift into someone who has bigger hands for the various tasks that you need to do. Extra fingers maybe too. Wow.

You can get into concerts, you can get into kind of anywhere you wanna go. Whoa, yeah. If you're just like, oh I wanna go to the show or something. Like I actually am Billy Corgis, but I'm gonna go watch. Let me go backstage in the mirror,

let's go watch the Smashing Pump. Oh man, yeah, just being a celebrity that already has a neck tattoo, like you might be able to just walk in. That's what I was saying! Yeah, just being, going into a restaurant, just being like, hey, it's me, Channing Tatum, I have a shadow patch on my neck tattoo.

I'd like a nice, I'd like a nice, You could start a lot of rumors. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Hey, how's it going? I'm Channing Tatum, I got a new neck tattoo. I'm a lot of rumors. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. Hey, how's it going? I'm Channing Tatum. I got a new neck tattoo. I'm a huge fan.

This is right now. There would just be like all these like- It would just make your life really interesting. It would be like that clown summer where everyone's like, why do all these celebrities suddenly have this shadow, the hedgehog neck tattoo, but then they don't? What's going on?

I guess your mystique powers are just the ultimate bit to yourself. It wouldn't be, it wouldn't be, you know what though, everyone would just write it off as viral marketing. True. Oh yeah. Everyone's like, Oh, this is just a viral marketing campaign. But then the actors would be like, that's not me.

And everyone would be like, I don't understand how, what else could happen. It's not like someone made a deal with the cosmos. But you know what sucks so happen? It's not like someone made a deal with the cosmos to get shape shifting abilities. So essentially we've decided that we can turn into people hot enough that our Shadow the Hedgehog tattoo does not affect our life in major ways. So we're like, cool, I'm just a cool jacked guy

with a Shadow the Hedgehog tattoo. This is all great. And then we play so many tricks that eventually it comes out that we're just shape-shifting with Shadow that Chalk. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And then suddenly you get like captured by the government and are tested on

and you're just like, this was not worth it. This was not worth it to go to a Smashing Pumpkins concert and get a booth at a restaurant. I could have bought a ticket. And pretend to be Janet Datum. And have plane travel be a little more pleasant. Yeah, so that you could get magazine covers of celebrities with Channing Tatum.

There was an open seat at the bar. I didn't have to be Channing Tatum. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Channing Tatum absolutely flips out about not being offered a table at New Restaurant. Bulging, Shout Out to the Head Shadow the Hedgehog neck tattoo. Just some FBI agent in the X-Files department piecing together all of the Shadow tattoos.

Yeah. I still think I do it. I think I do it, and maybe I live to regret it, but it's just too tempting. It just makes life really interesting. It's saying it tantalizing carrot, to be honest. I don't think I could disrespect Shadow the Hedgehog like that, so I don't think I could disrespect shadow the hedgehog like that.

So I don't do it. Wow. Really? Why would it be disrespectful though? I will be doing the most respectful thing. I just don't think I like shadow that much and it would feel disingenuous. Can I put cover up over it? Makeup?

Yeah, I guess so. Whoa. That's interesting. Because people do crazy shit with makeup. There are a lot of shadow the hedgehog tattoos interesting. Cause people do crazy shit with makeup. I've already covered it up. There are a lot of Shadow the Hedgehog tattoos online. I'm not finding any neck tattoo. I am picturing now a TikTok person being like,

this is how I cover up my Shadow the Hedgehog neck tattoo. Shadow is cute though. He's got that little white tuft of hair. He's got the same little white tuft of hair that my dog does. I bet it would be a really painful tattoo to get. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I wonder if you could cover it up by turning into somebody that has a very, very thin neck.

So you don't have to cover that much area. And then you just have a jumbled jog neck tattoo that can't properly expand. Right. Yeah. That's interesting. That's interesting. Very interesting.

Yeah, I'm in. I'm absolutely in. And I might even break bad. I might just become a bad guy because it's kind of just right there for me. It's so tempting, right? I think I mostly, I think I just make myself pro wrestler jacked and I just have a shadow

of the hedgehog neck tattoo and I just am that guy. Yeah. It would just work, I think. I think I would do the same. I think I would just cycle through being a bunch of different buff men And then have one really hot girl for when I fly on Basically, we're all doing it to be jacked. I just want to be jacked. I just want to be jacked but not work out

It's just yeah, it's such a life pivot though I don't think I'd do it because like I think like whatever you do with it. It's gonna alter who you are It's gonna alter your persona. Yeah, and I think like it because I think like whatever you do with it, it's going to alter who you are. It's going to alter your persona. And I think like, it's going to be like your green goblin mask. It is just like, yes, pretend that you're Billy Corrigan. It does. It does make it way tougher. I think when you have a child and when you have to be like at parent teacher conferences and stuff and just being like, yeah, listen,

I'm extremely jacked man with the shot of the head. But I can assure you I'm doing everything to help with my daughter's education. I think people would get suspicious if I had a neck brace on for a whole year. Can Mystique, oh my God, that's really funny. Can Mystique just, like, Mystique has to become someone else, right? She can't just make herself look more buff.

She has to become someone else. I don't know, I don't know. I think, I like to think for the, I think these are Mystique-esque powers. Can you search, does Mystique have a really good smell? Does Mystique have to turn into a person or can just change her look? Hey, I don't think she has to absorb DNA.

Your phone has zero bars. Hey, your phone has zero bars. Sonic the Hedgehog is mounted on the wall. So Mystique's power is that she can alter the formation of her biological cells at will. Oh, okay. Oh, so you can just change. I think she could just be like,

I wanna have really long hair today. I wanna have really short hair tomorrow. Damn, I gotta be honest though. That's really, really good. Right, yeah, pretty sweet. Yeah, okay, I take it. I fully take it. All right, we're taking it. I fully take it.

I would probably do it just to be able to grow my hair long and short at will too. You could just get up and launch whatever you want. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. You could easily experiment with a new look. Yeah, you have to. And you can find so many looks that work with the Shadow of the Head song.

You're really good. You're really good. I'm in. I hate how much I'm in. Help. I'm in. I hate how much I'm in. I'm out. I'm out and I'm tannering everyone. Everyone needs to say no right now. Caldwell's going to space with a Grinch,

but he's not getting out of the hedgehog tat. All right. With that, why don't we move on to a user submitted one. Yes, please. Yes, you got it. This one comes from Bam Bambi. You are having a nice relaxing cup of hemp milk when it's suddenly.

Yes. So steamed. Oh, yum. Maybe we got a little cinnamon and vanilla in it and we've heated it on the oven a little bit. Yeah. Give me a ham. Ham!

You got your ham. You got your ham. You're so confusing. It remains confusing. You're so co-edgy. All right, you're having a nice relaxing cup of hemp milk with the cinnamon. When suddenly a towering dark stone mansion with spires and turrets, gargoyles,

and arched crimson windows crash lands into your living room. What? A pale, almost translucent man with an aura of timeless power and eerie elegance walks out the front door. He tells you that you've been chosen to come live on his planet rent free. You will be put up in a stunning but humble Victorian home with unlimited free income to do as you please.

What? Why? The only caveat is that every morning you will be shaved completely bare as to feed this vampire. The vampire eats my hair? Every two weeks you will get a haircut of your choosing. But vampire, I thought you drank blood, you say. He pulls out a knife and swiftly chops off the front

of your hair, leaving you with a perfect moon cut bang and gobbles up the remains. No, I eat keratin, he responds. Do you accept his offer? So it's a hair vampire. So we keep hair on our head, just not on our body? I think just, it says you get shaved completely. I think you lose all your hair.

But they said you get a haircut every two weeks. Right, the pubes won't be enough. Every two weeks you get a haircut of your choosing. You'll be shaved completely bare as to feed this vampire. Every two weeks you get a haircut of your choosing. Can I bring Murph? I don't know how those two things choosing. Can I bring Murph? I don't know how those two things work.

You can bring Murph. Okay. I'm in, I'm in. Wait, wait. Wait, I need to bring my cats too. Can I bring my cats? My cats are off limits. Oh, they're gonna get so shaved.

Off limits, no, no, no, off limits is part of the deal. You can have my hair, you can't have my cat's hair. Although you can brush their hair. You can't shave it, you can brush their hair. You can bring my hair, you can't have my cat's hair. Although you can brush their hair. You can't shave it, you can brush their hair. You can bring the cats, you can bring Murph, you can bring two duffels and a roller bag. See, here's what I'm concerned with.

Here's what I'm concerned with. This is incredible. I would yelp the area before I committed. Okay, so I think that's still, is that what you're trying to find out with the area? So many questions. Here's what I'm gonna say, I think maybe our family considers it

before we move to the other planet. Emily's already committed. No, I don't even consult. Wait, no, Emily, Emily. She's packing the roller. She's packing the deck. We have not considered yet. As she's packing the roller.

Is there a solo listing? Let me show it. I'm begging her to reconsider. I'm begging her to reconsider. So here's where I'm at, right? This dude shows up, cool Victorian mansion in my living room is like, come to my planet. Right. My first answer is yes, because I see just like

a world of adventure ahead. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I'm like, I don't know what's happening there, but I'm willing to risk it to go to like an unknown realm. As soon as this guy says he's gonna shave me every day and eat my hair, it ceases to be an unknown realm and I kind of get the vibe that's going on there, which is that I'm going to be kept like a,

some kind of like zoo. Like cattle. You're a food source. Yes, I'm like a food source. You're like a sheep really. I'm like a sheep. A sheep. I'm like a sheep.

Who's gonna go live in this place just to be shaved so that they can get to my hair. You're like a chicken. You're like a chicken. You keep laying eggs and everyone's eating the eggs. Right, and I don't wanna be a sheep, I don go live in this place just to be shaved so that they can consume my hair. You're like a chicken. You're like a chicken. You're laying eggs and everyone's eating the eggs. Right, and I don't wanna be a sheep. I don't wanna be a chicken.

So as soon as that part gets added, I'm willing to risk it up top when he's just like, hey, we're gonna give you a weird Victorian mansion and you're gonna live on my weird planet where we're all vampires. I'm like, this is interesting. Let's try this out. And then if I show up and I become a sheep,

egg on my face. But if he tells me up top, what's up? You're going to be a human sheep. I'm just like, no thanks. No thanks, yeah. I would maybe let him shave me once. I'd be like, shave me right now, just so I can see what the process is gonna be like.

If this is gonna be every day. That's what I was gonna say. I need to know what kind of razor they're working with. You just wanna live in a weird Victorian mansion Just so I can see what the process is gonna be like if this is gonna be every day But you wanna just want to live in a weird Victorian mansion that bad that the only guy you know There's unlimited income so I might be able to do other stuff around but you don't know all you know Is that most of the people there presumably? Uh-huh are these like want to eat hair? Want to eat your hair? That's where you're going right And the one person, one of one of the people you know from this planet wants to shave human beings and eat their hair.

Yeah. You know what's interesting? That realm is going to be a hairless realm, right? Cause if he is traveling all the way to get me to be his sheep, then that means that that realm, no hair there. What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

It's fun. It's terrible. I like it. It's different. It's new. It's different. It's new. It's different.

It's different. It's different. It's new and I enjoy it. It's different and I enjoy it. Yeah, you got it. Yeah. This was the original script for Prometheus, by the way. It's very fun to think about.

Incredible. I think that if you go to this planet, I don't think every one of these hair vampires is going to be nearly as chill as this guy. Yeah. I think that some of them are going to see you. You're in danger. Yeah. Right.

But you don't be cheap. Why do you want to be cheap? No one will do anything to you because they need your hair. You're going to be so protected. You're going to be like, no, don't let anything happen to this cheap. No one will do anything to you because they need your hair. You're gonna be so protected. You're gonna be like, no, don't let anything happen to this guy. No, they need your hair to eat, Jake. They want to slurp it off your body like spaghetti.

Why do you want to be, why do you want this? I don't. You already make a living. You already make a living doing podcasts. Why do you need to go to another planet to be shaved? I make a living doing what I love, but I want to be shaved. Knowing that there is another planet out there and not finding out about it. But it doesn't seem like a cool planet.

I'm just saying we would have a serious negotiation. I would enter, let's do a short-term- You can bring Murph. You're allowed to bring Murph. But I don't want to go. You can bring Murph. You're allowed to bring Murph. But I don't wanna go. One month I can bring Murph and my cats. I don't wanna be a kept sheep in this vampire's house. For one month, one month to try it out. Yes, but that's not the deal as presented. I guess so. But we will be seeing another planet.

Yeah, that would be sick. Oh, Brian, I wanna go to space with Murphy. Does he wanna go to a planet? Willing to let the Grinch fly in there, but not willing to shave his ass for it. Come on. A professional and poised Grinch fly me to space. If a professional poised vampire showed up and said,

do you want to come live in my mansion on another planet? I would say yes. He is professional and poised. He just wants your hair. He's not a professional and poised. That's not professional. He's proposing employees. He just wants your hair. He's not a professional employee. He is professional employees. That's not professional. He's proposing what is on the surface level, a symbiotic relationship.

I am fine. I am fine with 80% of this. As soon as I find out I'm this vampire sheep, I'm not involved. I'm also not a hundred percent. Like I said, we enter negotiations. Right. It is true.

There's going to be a question and answer round for all of this. It doesn't seem like, okay, but based on the question, this is the deal. You go and get to be a kept sheep at this person's house. I need to know. Or you get your own house, I guess. Is this vampire, are they like the engineering,

like progenitor race of humanity? And at some point they lost their hair, they And at some point, they lost their hair, they lost their mojo, they lost their power. And we are planted on this planet as a food source for them. What role do I play in this sort of cosmic ecology? And you won't know until you enter at least a month contract. Don't you wanna know the mysteries of the universe?

If it was a month contract, I would go, but it's just, do you want to come live with me? Emily is tannering me on this one because I think that I can't live with myself if I don't satisfy that curiosity, you know? And look, I'm gonna hardball him in negotiations. I'm not just gonna say yes. This is the deal though.

It has, do you want to come live in this mansion? I'm gonna shave you every day. I think there's some flexibility on the deal. Like you could maybe add an extra roller. She could bring an extra roller if she's hard-nosed negotiating. Okay, that I think is a little different. The spirit of the question though is like.

The shaving is a non-negotiable. Yeah, the shaving is definitely non-negotiable. I have some friends who have lawyers. I contact them. Right. Wait, do I have bars on my phone? Your phone has your bars. No!, do I have bars on my phone? No!

Your phone has your bars. Your phone has no bars. I don't know if I trust myself to negotiate this. I'm the only one not taking this deal. I think it's such a red flag that I'm to be shaved every day. I'm not taking the deal. I'm entering negotiations.

Yeah. The only thing that gives me pause is that someday my daughter will ask what daddy does for a living and I'll have to be like, I'm shaved by a man who eats my hair. That's why you go to private school, darling. You don't even know. That's why we live on this planet.

You don't even know that there'll be schools. You might just be a giant Victorian mansion with your family walking around echoing hallways with vampires. Wait a second. See that that's, that's- You gotta have unlimited funds to do whatever I want, but there's nothing to do. You're right.

My phone has zero bars, therefore I can't yelp the surrounding area. But my bank has lots of bars, gold bars that is. Wow. All right, I'm out for sure. What do you guys think about being this vampire sheep? It depends on the negotiations, I'd say. There's no negotiations!

I cut off some hair, boil it into a little teapot, pour him some hair tea, and I say, let's talk this out. It's true, you have all the power. You have all the power in this negotiation. He came all this way to approach me. Because he can just pick up and just pick a different person. No, and you know what? If he's not willing to meet me at my needs.

Murph, this vampire came to my house. Clearly, I have fucking... Exactly. I have like fucking like wagyu grade beef hair. I got good hair, dude. Yeah. Yeah, but there's... I think you gotta expect other people to have good hair.

Nah, I'm eating and living right and this vampire knows it. Exactly, yeah. When these vampires came to our planet millions of years ago and planted their sperm into a creek so that we would eventually grow into this species, they knew that one day the fabled sheep would come and I am that sheep. I have all the power in this negotiation.

You have too. You arguably have no power. The creation myth that vampires ejaculated in a stream and humans were born is one I have not encountered. It's basically what happens at the start of Prometheus. Really? Yeah. Whoa.

Sorry. Spoiler alert, dude. It's at the beginning of the movie. Spoilers for the beginning of Prometheus, everyone. So sorry. Why is it at the beginning of Prometheus? It's not exactly what happens. He doesn't jizz in the movie. Spoilers for the beginning of Prometheus, everyone. So sorry. Spoilers for the beginning of Prometheus. This is not exactly what happens. He does a jizz in the creek. His body decomposes. So it's like the jizz is in there with everything else. Okay. That's a little different.

Okay. That's actually a lot different. I'm just curious about this movie now. There's a huge difference between dying in water and jizzing in a... Someone call it the death jizz. All right. So final thoughts. The death jizz. All right. So yeah. Okay, so final thoughts. Yeah.

Final thoughts. Final thoughts is I'm out. I'm talking. I'm starting a conversation. That's not an answer to the question. I want to hear him out. I want to talk. Great non-answer to end the episode on.

Does anyone have anything? What kind of razor he's proposing I get shaved with? Yeah. I want to sample shave and I want to look at a town map. And I think if I can see those things, the shave is pretty painless and the town looks vibrant and fun. I'm like, yeah, sure. Just consider, if you just did a month contract, it would be kind of like a meditation retreat, really.

Just with a little bit of strings attached. An entire planet with kind of like a Gothic retreat, really. Just with a little bit of strings attached. An entire planet with kind of like a gothic Eastern European look to it. Could be pretty fun. Could be fun. And also I wanna know the secrets of the cup holes. The only person you know from that planet wants to shave you and keep you as a pet, essentially.

And I need to know more about the fabric of reality because it's been torn asunder in front of my face. You know all you need to know. I think one dude is a fucking freak. Murph's allowed to come, so you're all set. I don't, yeah, I get entered into this agreement, unfortunately. I say, I make it really clear,

you cannot shave the cats, and I forget to say anything. You didn't say anything about Murph. I can shave him for free. Oh, thank God. I think I wanna do it, but then I talk it over to my wife and my family, and then I just give them Channing Tatum's number. Yeah.

I can take him instead. And then, yeah. Although I guess, yeah, if I do have mystique powers, and I'm sitting there as a jacked dude with his Shadow the Hedgehog neck tattoo, I am like, this does fit my vibe. Yeah, you turn into the Grinch, you're like, I have a lot of hair for you to eat now.

Yeah, and then the vampire's like, no, actually I'm really not interested in that. No, I'm gonna be sick. It's clearly from a costume. He's clearly shitting piss in there. Good God, all right, let's go ahead and wrap this one up. Thank you all so much for listening. This was truly so stupid and so funny. Thank you to everyone who submitted.

You can follow us over on Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpod. That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We'll be answering a few more. Don't sing yet, don't sing yet. We'll be answering a few more over there. In the meantime, does anyone have anything they'd like to plug? Oh.

Yes, I do have something to plug. Can I plug, my Aunt Lynn is in a podcast that's coming out. It's Oregon Public Broadcasting, I'm guessing the OPB stands for, has a investigative podcast called Hush, which is about the case of someone who was wrongfully imprisoned. And my aunt Lynn is one of the defense attorneys

who worked on the case. Hell yeah, I'm gonna listen. Be on the lookout for that. Oh, and I would love to plug our shop again. Shop.nadpod.com. We just added a bunch of new stuff. Some exclusive items are now available now. We've got the puzzle up there, the Moonstone puzzle, some Crocs.

We finally have Croc gibets in our store. The Nadpod team scarf is in there now. Yeah, a lot of fun new stuff. So go check it out. Yeah, great. Sweet. And stuff. So go check it out. Yeah, great. Sweets. And you can follow us on social media. They're amiramir.use,

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We are, we are, the youth of the nation! It's the end of the show and you know what that means? It's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders starting with Brad D, Jeffrey S, Lord of the Fjord Later McSkater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C Daniel G, Danielle, the dastardly dame. Beard Man Dan.

Danny P. Carpe Liam. Brian, the DM with 18 months between weekly games. Victor T. Balnor's boy. Hoyd's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster.

TJM. Trelai the Crefe, Christopher B, Damiel R, Jordan L, Cyborg version of Josh the Cobalt, Targot, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rebukeur PhD, Princess Yar, Jory S, Jack L, Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohemia, Samuel B, Mike H, Alka Schmelzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, Fightin' Favorites,

The Favorite Things Podcast, Nebadger, Panama James, Heradrian, Carbro Chapel Hill FPV, Rex, Daniel the White, Cece, Lulu, Old Cobb's Dunk Rex, Daniel the White, Cece and Lulu, Old Cobb's Dunkle, Older Burn, Acu, Pacho, the Rapid Fock Detective, Timmy R, Reiko, Calder, Comes Cold, Shout Out to the Cold, Companions, Frosty Facial,

Taylor B, the vengeful one-winged angel. Cass, strong, cringe. Steven, scientifically sees with ease. See, Lady Taco and team in credulity. Nick W, William W, pick, bet, better than mad. Eric McD, an anorama. Pace Seville, Fred Drakestein Ananarama, Paceville, Fredrick Stein, Von Musel, Klosowski, DeRolo III,

J. Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, Honoring the Cock, Menacing Apogee, Ben A, Dave H, Dustin S, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Bookfarr's assistant Izzy F. DPC is awesome! Hashtag honor the cock. Shown the shade tree mechanic of Salvador. Summer rose grand tear. Katzie Misa of House in Zunza. Ariel the occasional mermaid, Selena and Valacyraptor, Bee Perky always, Pat L, Maxwell J, Lauren H, Serv 16, Annie the Feywild therapist, Skillful Ferret.

I'd like to see Murph and the Grinch in the cockpit, tossing that D20 in space. Connor Savage, Salil, Weed Goku 69, currently in orbit around the moon number 16, Bioquart 7, Amber Dexterous, Bean Rap was innocent, Jack H, King of the Mole People, Under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through

a bracket style tournament. Lindsey W. Valen. Paj, a dumb bunny bard. Carlin C. Noah, the Bullywug boy, hashtag honor the cock. James G. Everything Bagel, the Aladdin who just wants to hang out

with his pet badger Strapie, Daddy Master Dandy, Han, Eric B, Marcos, Freida Mallow, Tracy P the crick out librarian, Maggie S, Holly the green laughing hyena finally got up to the duck team, ah you caught us, Akash the car, Doofinus, Aaron B, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, Cody C, Lorelai the succubi, and Kira the succulent snack. Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and yunkle Andrew and Sid, John Adams, the write-in candidate for 2024, Meg, the mail carrier of Bohemia. James F.

Austin S. Wayfair now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them, turn to page 42. Keep them, turn to page 69. Shane C. Barpo, good barrel barbarian. Welschlinder, Garret G. One big curd,

Havy the half-orc, Renee the monster captain, Vox Clifton, Olivia the enchanting bard, and Jared the soap opera cleric who are playing Stick It to the Man down with the monarchy, Winterslade, Fico, Garrett the artificer,

We Three Gamers Two. Winterslade, Fico, Garrett the Artificer, We3Gamers2, that's a funny name in itself, Anthony the Raddest of Dudes, Josh H, the Fairy Say, Happy-Bladed-Birthday to Emily, Bladed due to the Grinch kidnapping us, Cantrip Dumbledore, the Bear Onesie-Wearing Barbarian, Lexi H, NoDrog, the Pasa fist barbarian. Geno T. Tristan, the talentless honk. Shenanigans O'Connor, Mios the Great,

Joshua S. Alexander, Linz W. Angel the Pamela the forever vindicated. Pavu Eskenar, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile. Tim M, a cat napping in a sunbeam listening to a podcast. MLG Cheeto, CJM Hampton, Shelby, Kenna's now first favorite sprite girl

spending September in Malta celebrating cancer free by going to the sweet blue hole. Yes, celebrate that. Jackson R. Snailus, who is infecting Worcestershire for within official Ned Flanders. Blake H. Searching for a sweet blue hole with his messy big bed. Papa Sky Days, Meemaw Sky Days, oh, it's V, visibly queer and confused in an airport.

Megan and Anthony B, Savannah H, Balnor's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of House and Zunza, Benjamin A, Gimli the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend. Mikkel A. Josh H. Pilot of the Nightmare Verse Flight. Froakie the Two Crew Blew Through. Janery, Ethan B. Maple the Shy Bookworm.

Ashesaurus, Seth E. Billy B. Torey the Tungsten Dragoose, son of Thomas the Blind Bisexual Goose Honk. Michael Lyle S. II. Jacob the Preveyor of Shenanigans, Nova Cry, Parcel, Dex, Rittle Well, Hannah A. Raw, Ace Dregs, Lord of Kretzberg, Darius D, Troy's Mom, Vin Diagram, GKCT, Catamelius the Consumed, Bard of Holding, Clinton P, Cam the Frogman, Dean, Jake W, Hi Mom,

Tuesday Cross, the choose your own adventure writer, not the porn star, Steve L, Alex G, Zibba the Bakery, Nicole, and finally, Katerina C. Thank you all so much, we love you. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. An extra one for the road, goodbye, sweeties. That was a HateGum podcast.