Not Another D&D Podcast - Trinyvale - Ep. 1: Crystal Quest

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

Welcome to the world of Trinyvale! Caldwell dawns the DM crown for our first ever bonus campaign episode. Join Jens Lyndelle (Murph), Onyx Lumiere (Emily Axford), and Nyac (Jake Hurwitz) as they brave treacherous forests, gnomish artifacts and CHAIN RESTAURANTS in search of the legendary Ginnarak crystal!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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of the continent of Ginnarak stand as a daily reminder of its terrible impact. The conflict was so massive that it exhausted even Leant, the literal goddess of war, and caused her to fall into a deep, dream-filled slumber. It is in these dreams that a new piece is forged. Luckily for Trinavelle Leant is not the realm's only god. While she sleeps, netis, and noar, the other members of a divine collective known as the Trine, do their best to maintain the world's new and tenuous balance.

Under their godly guidance, the once barren crescent of Agendale begins to thrive. Caravans criss-cross the countryside, gleaming airships dot the sky, and adventurers of all stripes seek fortune and fame by desecrating ancient ruins at a truly alarming rate. It is in this time of optimistic uncertainty that our adventure unfolds. So without further ado, let's meet our heroes. Woo! Woo! What's to go first?

Should we roll this? I go, okay, that's what I'm going to roll. Show friendship. We're at 11. 18. 13. Alright. Alright. You You guys the native son of Renafor, sion of the Valley, meet Nihac half elf ranger whose

family lives among a troop of awakened gorillas, high atop the trees in the ancient forest Valley of Renafor. Nihac aspires to be the silverback in his troop and is gathering his strength in solitude so he can lead his people. Equipped with a longbow and a blonde mullet, Niaq is trying to make a name for himself in vinyl art. He very recently found out what a shirt is. Is he wearing a shirt now? No, okay. But he knows what a shirt is.

He knows he's supposed to, but he's fine. Mm-hmm. Like, not even like a vest? No, nothing. Well, he has a quiver, so there's like a little strap covering the middle of the chest. Both nipples are so nice. You can definitely get fashionable with a little strap.

That's not a vanny packs are kind of in. He's also covered in tribal tattoos. It was the summer of the strap. So he's hard one but with tribal tattoos. I realized I read the first two senses in Hard One's voice and I was like, oh, Niac is in Hard One. As much as I hate that. And he's a half-elf-ranger, right?

Yes, correct. Very cool. Marked your own eras? Yes, I am Jen's Lindell, swords dancer. High-elf-barred, my father was of course the famous Laslik Lindell, brutally beheaded during a duel by some savage would-elf-named rast. My father was... he was... someone called it show-boating, but I would say it was performing as he went for his last lunch and this barbarian took his head off, but my father, a gentleman till the end and a duelist,

still bowed, even though he did. A headless bow? It was a headless bow. No honor amongst those wood elves. Yes, I was a mere boy, a mere 89 years old when it happened. And since then, I am changed. I have a half brother, Niaac. You know, a brother.

People focus on the half, when you say you're a half brother, people forget that half of that is also stranger. So really, I have a half stranger, Niaac. The same blood in me, flows in you. Well, half stranger, still. The glasses have strange, yes. So I am a swords dancer. A foretound. Half bound, half stranger still. The glass is half strange. Yes. So I am a swords dancer. What's your own?

Half bound, half bound. I'm a sword dancer, bard. I quasi, quasi famous, or at least I, now I'm sort of infamous because I accidentally stabbed a prince during a royal birthday party. You're known as the Prince Prickard, is that correct? Yes, I pricked him, it's fine. It's huge.

It was Prince Prickard. Yes, and pleasure to have you here. The royals were quite upset with me, but my new friend, Anix Lumiere, helped me escape the royal birthday party. And now I'm a little bit disgraced and a little bit hard up for work. Okay, that brings us to.

All right. I'm gonna read my paragraph that I sent to Caldwell. Annex Lumiere is a pastel-goth warlock from the moon who travels Trinnevelle with her toy unicorn obsidian. She was going to state school for geology until one day when she found a mysterious shard of crystal which whispered to her. She mounted the round spiky shard on to a flail and has been getting into trouble ever since. She has a ghastly creature's moonlight complexion and wears a pastel Victorian frock. Obsidian,

her unicorn, wears pastel mickeys that are also heilly, so he moves like a rollerblader. Like a rollerblader. A rollerblader. Onyx may or may not have been exiled from Zammune, but you will never get a straight answer out of her. Onyx Lumiere, pastel got warlock, heeder of the crystal's whisperperer, Mistress of the Skies, ruthless Hexpert, and curator of curses. Thank you. Hexpert.

Hexpert, I like that though. You're here to like hear somebody with such a like an Aero-Foreign class, be expelled from state school. Yeah, what's her story? We will find out. Oh, but technically I am a Warlock Scorch Asimar. If anyone's at home wants to figure out the exact same thing.

Most of the inhabitants of the moon, which is inhabited in this world, there's two, but you're from the smaller moon. I'm from the smaller moon. The mini moon. The mini moon. And yeah, all of the inhabitants of the moon are Asimar, which is like a celestial race. But I believe you said that your skin

kind of looks like moon rocks. Yes. It's kind of like pocked mark, but in a. Pocked mark'd been in like a very interesting way. Yeah, so that's kind of like, I think that that would be how you would compliment someone of your race, would be like, oh, I love your pock.

Your pocks. She had Zimal's beautiful, pocked complexion. Beautiful, deep craters. Beautiful. Beautiful. You could eat craters as a compliment. You could eat cereal out of her craters. Excuse me, boys, my craters are rapier.

So, how do y'all all know each other? Onyx, you know? So, yes, I can disguise myself at will. And when I saw Jen's in, you know, being exiled by his people, I felt like sort of empathy. So I disguised myself as the head of security and ushered him out. That's beautiful.

And now I imagine you all live together in an apartment. I'm very friends like. And my, after my father died, my mother remarried your beast of a father. Your mother upgraded. You're married into royalty. Married into a father was a gentleman until the end, bowed without a head.

And so that is your half- a half-elf, we are. Yes. Because now I believe you said that your parents are essentially tarzan and Jane. Yeah, my parents are tarzan and Jane and I am their offspring. Right, you're just a cool jungle boy. I'm a jungle boy.

You're just a fun love and jungle boy. I'm love a bunch of marilla uncles. Riz with a touch of class. My mother has brought great shame to our family. So who had the apartment first? Who moved in with who? I wanna know the order. I think.

I moved in with him because he owes me, so I've been really milking him. I'm nice of you to save my life, but perhaps you pay rent. It's like everyone is sleeping on everyone else's couch somehow. Nobody's sleeping in the actual bed. Well, we can figure that out as we begin. I think it's ready. I think we're ready to actually launch into the campaign proper. What's up? Are we ready? I'm ready. I'm ready. Hell yeah.

It is late afternoon in the city of Vainelar. A tired sung hangs low above the majestic walled metropolis, tickling its metal domes and clockwork gears with a thousand dazzling sparks. Far above the two moons of Trinavale patiently await the sun's exit from behind their translucent azure veil. In the center of town a huge arcane clock cries out in enchanted dulcet tones. Letting the people of the town know that the night fast approaches, and more importantly, happy hour has begun. As the clock strikes, each of you feel the small buzz in your pockets, which can only mean

one thing. The benefactor has a mission for you, and so you all make your way to the best and only tavern outside of the city's protective ramparts. Papa Gump's Jamble-Iah Jamble-Eyed. The Sid of our Final Fantasy world is Papa. Let's talk a little bit about Papa Gump's Jamble-Iah Jamble-Eyed. Never in the history of Trinavale has there been a restaurant so tacky and yet so universally beloved. Inside nobles and commoners alike dine and clinkpina calotta goblets as they go to town

on massive piles of shrimp, crawdads, and a newly discovered hybrid species known simply as shrimp dads. In the waiting area, a sullen hafling and a dark, emerald robe leans against a commemorative penny-pressing machine. He impatiently pulls a coin from his pocket and speaks into it. This is Blavin Blamfoot. Blavin Blamfoot contacting Retrieval Team 22. Retrieval Team 22, please respond with your estimated time of arrival. I'm already here. Ah, ah, I did not see you then, I asked. I walked over from the bar where he was sitting. I'll be there in six hours. I have an appointment.

That is, that will not do. Can you please get there any soon of the month? I know, be there in 15. Let me talk to him. I can convince my brother. Okay, I put... 11 puts. Bro, we need to hear now.

Half bro, not even real bro half stranger really Fine, I'm on my way. Jen's listen to your brother and hurry over make haste Family above everything goodbye brother. Goodbye. I'm stranger Alex for you are you on your way? I Don't respond, but I I Roll in on Obsidian on his healy and I'm like sitting side like sideways like when women ride a horse Yeah, I'm sitting side saddle on obsidian. How big is obsidian?

Toy unicorn So like a little Sebastian, okay, so I do it. It is uncomfortable because my feet keep grazing the ground I walk in behind her so embarrassed. Oh My god obsidian go to Zibar. I want to see if they have elder flower look good. I touch my forehead to obsidian's horn Oh noble one hurt yourself there you honor me with your presence. Take one hit point of damage. Absolutely not. I only have 16 HP right now. You can't just say absolutely not. I won't do it.

All right, fine. I'm an expert animal handler. I know how to fuck and catch my head to a unicorn. Do I take any damage from how much my feet are dragging? The rug bar? I think you're making it look cool. And yes, it is a carpeted restaurant. Thank you for clarifying that.

I think that the bartender kind of nudges their head over to a sign that says absolutely no familiars. But then. This familiar is a emotional support familiar. Do you have the paperwork for that? Yes. Roll a deception check. That's going to be a 16. After a good start. All right well it's fine I ain't charged here anyway. Did you want to get a drink? Yes can I have an elder flower, the core, on Zoross? Absolutely. The bartender whips that up.

Blavin, I think. Straw please. One of those coffee steaks. We don't actually have straws here. We're trying to be eco friendly. That's okay, I brought my own. I have a metal straw. How would you look at that? He's got a straw right there.

I'm sorry, you can't use my straw. It is okay. I will make a straw. You break up the unicorns on. Bang, that's second time I'm singing that today. That's crazy. I'll take your finest, Elven vintage. Okay, we got, this is a, well, chicken wine.

This has got a picture of a chicken on it. Oh my God, I'm just gonna pour you that. I is a, well, chicken wine. Oh, this has got a picture of a chicken on it. Oh my god. Let me just pour you that. I'm sorry, that's chicken wine. Chicken wine. Here's my brother. Press my brother and I should split the bottle. Why don't you give it to my half stranger here? I'll pour you two glasses about that. I want this in a cup. I would like to try chicken wine. Okay, I'll pour you all three chicken wine. I, hey, you little fella you want one? Yes, I will take some chicken cup. I would like to try chicken wine. Okay, I'll pour you all three chicken wine. Hey, you little fella you want one? Yes, I will take some chicken wine. It's on table almost ready.

Yeah, let me check with your wider. Hey, darling! Darling, that table ready? Yeah. Now you play darling. Yeah. Darling leads you over to your table. I put gloves on so that I don't have to touch anything.

I hate this place. Ah, eating gloves, of course. A blavvendance is eating gloves as well. Ah, you do it weird, blavvendant. I don't like it when you and I are similar. Mine are fingerless. No, then there's no reason to wear the gloves. Traditional fingerless eating gloves.

You kill me. Does anyone see we all have drinks? Okay, I will drink some of my chicken wine. I would like to get a margarita as well for when I finish my chicken wine. Can I roll a little bit of a lusk? Can I roll a little bit of a lusk? Yeah, see how you like it. 17th of love it!

What do you add to that? I add a charisma, so actually 22. This is the best chicken wine I have ever had. I'd pour my chicken wine into your goblet. Why don't you have mine? I'm not excited. Very good. It's extremely affordable.

Yep. Anyway, could we get an order of chips and guacamole for the table while we get down to business? Does anyone want to do any other bullshit before gambling? Tells you what we're doing. I'm very curious about the lava blood.

Spit it out, I don't want to hang out here. Did you come here to drink the tea? I mean, I don't want to hang out here. Did you come here to drink the... I didn't want to drink margaritas with you. I'm sorry, this is the only reason. It's wine and margarita. There's no other problem, Blavin. We're gonna have a hangover, Blavin. Jen, as someone who owes me a favor, I think that you should be kinder to Blavin.

You've been living in my apartment rent-free for six months. You snuck me out of a child's birthday party. And while I did accidentally stab that child, again, a blabbing swordplay is not for children, even if the king insists that the child be the volunteer that I call for. Blabbing now drinking from his margarita and his wine, kind of like trading off sips and like nodding very intently.

All right, he's drunk already. Blavin is a little tipsy. Yeah. So you all gather at the table with Blavin. Uh, and in a corner, and a... Gather with Blavin. You Gavin with Blavin. We're all Gavin with Blavin here.

On a small stage in the corner in Amatronic, Possom Band. It looks like the one from a goofy movie. Starts... Starts warbling a bucolic shanty. You can't make it out but it sounds like they're saying we are we are over and over again. The chips. Do you want to break off another one? That was very good. There's a little sick of the tuff, the tuff, the tuff. Jens puts on noise canceling headphones. I'm a lip reader, go on, bladding.

All right, so your apps arrive and bladding gets down to business. The benefactor was extremely pleased with your work retrieving the Vopal socket from that tribe of feral mums last week. Doesn't know as we discussed. Bravo, yes. I do want as I love her. They truly are a foul bunch. Not like the city names we have within the gates of Ayla Law. And as such, the benefactor things are ready for a slightly more precarious assignment.

So Blavin pulls a piece of paper from his coat. It's a beautiful watercolor drawing of a glowing aquamarine crystal. Oh, I love crystals. I thought you might like this. The kind of her thing, Blavin. Yes, I'm seeing that. It is a bit of an aesthetic. Okay, it's just a drawing.

I did do this drawing myself. What do you think of it? It's actually pretty good. I'm doing this to find finest thing you've ever done. Thank you. Doing classes on the weekend. Okay. Egg Tim Pura.

Like a paint-in sip. Happy you're not drinking so much, shall we? Absolutely. Yes, I do a bottle or two and then I paint a bottle of wine. It's very on the brand. So Blavin tells you a little more about the crystal. This is one of the five lost crystals of Ginnarach. The minifactor, the minifactor, sorry I'm getting a little drunk, has been searching for

these crystals for decades, and information recently surfaced that one had been spotted in the dragon mouth cavern, deep in the Taminos forest to the east. Your mission is to retrieve this crystal. If you do so, you will receive a handsome reward and carry favor with our Lord Benefactor. If you carry enough favor, you'll be given the chance to visit the Lord's massive, war-side mansion, and also be given the chance to join his inner circle of trusted sycophants. There are several hot tubs. There is one hot tub for each of the cardinal directions

of the nants. And will there be hot dogs? There would be hot dogs in the hot tub. Absolutely. It's a whack. I actually eat hot dogs in the hot tub. No, please. The Lord benefactor prefers to eat hot dogs

in the Eastern hot tub. Okay. The hot dogs in the Eastern hot tub. Okay. The hot tub is a west. I will be in the Western hot tub. What do we eat in the Western hot tub? Do you just do not eat in the hot tub, Nyeak? Chili fries. No, that is reserved for hot dogs.

Very good. Thank you for reminding me. There is a 7-11 located directly in the center. My brother and I will have tiktok in the northern hothnoth. If you are to carry enough favor with this lulled benefactor, you can eat whatever you desire in his hot tubs. Let's do it, brother. And speaking of favor and couriering it,

Blavin reaches into his pocket and gives you each a curry card. It has five slots on it. He then squeezes the rest of his... He then squeezes the rest of the lime into his margarita and swallows it whole. Oh, wow, it's delicious. It's not how you drink a margarita, you maniac. Okay, I'm starting to think he has a drinking problem. He also ate all the guacabal. He's got a fruit problem. He's got a lime problem. He did, he ignored the chips and ate the guac, was it spoon? I have a smile, I'm scared Sliurily has the guac.

He ate all of the shinnon. My doctor said that I drink too much and don't eat any food, so I should eat the lime as well so that I don't lose more of my teeth. Eat a carrot, Blavin. Can we get us some hummus, please, with some carrots on the side? He's just going to eat the water for Blavin. He's just going to eat the hummus. Just eat the carrots, Blavin.

I'm going to roll this here, I'll sea out, you don't need me to. Whatever our mission is totally fucked, because Favon is so... Blathered. Lavon rolled a 12. So yeah, Favon's a little tipsy, but they're keeping it together. Do you have any more questions about the Gennarack Crystal that you're gonna be seeking? I do have a question. What is this curry card with the five sloths? Will if you get five punches then you are allowed to visit the man.

Sort of a sandwich situation. Absolutely yes. Laban holds up an enchanted hole puncher. So if we are to find this crystal then that will be about one punch. That will be the first punch. Yes, there are five generac crystals. They represent the elements of the world. Is there a specific old puncher that you use? He holds up the whole puncher again. Because presumably we could just use our own. Oh no, no, you could try, please. I employ you.

No, no, no, I stand on. Gleimin gets a little defensive. It's fine. We respect your whole puncher and we respect you, Gleimin, most importantly. The Dragon Mouth caves. Indeed. It's fine, we respect your whole puncher, and we respect you, Plavin, most importantly. The Dragon Mouth Caves, indeed. Is there a dragon in there, or is it just called the Dragon Mouth? Little is known about the Dragon Mouth cavern, for it exists deep within the Taminor Forest.

So you will have to see for yourselves. If you wish to find the cavern, all you need to do is venture east into the forest. Could I get a doggie bag for this guacamole? I don't want to go before he gets any more guacamole. You realize guacamole does not keep. Finally, we agree on something nice. I'm just going to pour vodka over it later. Alright, make a slushy, not a meal. Guacamole in flames.

I haven't seen you with vodka. I've got a blender and a lot of free time on my hat. Are you already to the party? Yeah, I give obsidians to a little tassel and we start marching. We're rather blading, sorry. You're just kind of gliding along. Is there like a rainbow trail behind you?

Yeah, tight. I'm basically like a demon Lisa Frank. I'm walking 50 feet behind both of them. I'm dropping back to go lockstep with my brother. I'm just silent as I walk. I keep changing my face. Yeah, Niaq is way too good at athletics. He's keeping strife.

Niaq, you're the ranger. Perhaps you should lead the way. I trust way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way gates now. You head to the tavern and are greeted by a pleasant gust of warm salty air. It's salty partially because you're near the beach, but mostly because of the huge salt factory, nearby in the town. To the east, you see a huge stone archway marking the entrance to the Taminow forest. On the left of the archway are three stone freezes depicting the gods of Trinneville. On the right is an arcane vending machine, with the words, Delirios Curios, written in a flowing silvery font.

To the south, by the dreaded nom land, the setting of your last adventure. To the north is the Saldon Sea, and behind you to the west is the Clockwork City, where you all live, in a shitty apartment. I sleep on the roof of the apartment. Oh, that's so good. It's classic, not yet.

Yeah, do you have like a little radio out there? Mm-hmm, yeah. Plains it, way loudly. It rains a lot. I don't need a roof, I just need a floor. At first I thought I outsmarted him by making him live on the roof, but then I, now he just walks around all day.

Thank you brother, you honor me with this large, square footage. Nye, I can't to your house. Is your favorite band silverback? Oh, it's gorillas. Look at this epigraph. Oh gorillas would have been better. Shit. Hey, it's okay. We'll edit all this stuff out. Everybody that's watching right now forget I said silverback. Gorillas just can't and gorillas. There we go. All right. So what do

you want to do? Well, we'll go on to to do? Well, there's a vending machine. I think we should stop by Delirios. Delirios, curious? Yeah. Okay. Which one of these gods is my god? Nettis. Nor god is Nettis.

Nettis awoke the gorillas and gave them the ability to speech and think with logic. Cool. Well, they visit the vending machine. I'm going to bow down to Nett tight. All right, a little prayer. I'm gonna do let's do the vending machine first Okay, ruins of protection are etched in a silvery script that flows like living mercury all over this enchanted box You see the machine is mostly empty say for four items a potion a sprite a Sprite remix and a dusty looking bag. Oh, by sprite you mean the drink, not a little creature. We could buy it.

It has a join us. It has a sprite on it. Yeah, it has a sprite on the logo. Oh, a little addition, sprite, sprite. Spritely, sprite. Okay. Again, a sprite remix, and then a dusty looking bag of Butterfinger Bebees.

I'll take the Butterfinger Bebees. What do you think the potion, what are you doing? How much are the Butterfinger Bebe's. I'll take the Butterfinger Bebe's. Oh, I'll see. The potion. What are you doing? How much are the Butterfinger Bebe's? You have enough to get one of each. I get the Butterfinger Bebe's twice. I get two potion.

I steal some of her money and then buy potion. Okay, I'll of two potion. I attach a little feedback to Obsidian and put the butter finger BBs in there. Okay. Can a unicorn even eat chocolate? Is it like a dog? Will it die for meeting his chocolate?

I imagine it's an enchanted unicorn. It's like you're familiar. Yeah, he has a very healthy appetite. Okay, it shits them out instantly. My God. But now it shits them out instantly. My God. But now when they have shit out, they're limited edition rainbow butter figures. They're better babies now.

Yeah, better babies. Actually, like, yeah, write that down. They're better babies. Okay, I've got, so I add better babies to my sack. Yes. Niac, you are at the statues. Let me see, you find my place. Okay, the statues. Let me see. Let me find my place. Okay.

The statues seem to be ancient but surprisingly well maintained. On the left is a spectacle figure you know to be Nalar, the God of time and waves, who the city is named for. In the middle is a fiery woman you know to be Leont, the Goddess of War and Flame. And on the right is the Androgenous Elven figure of Nadas, the god of wisdom and starlight. All three of them have a third eye, etched in gold on their foreheads, and a small deep slit hole is etched into each of their mouths.

What would you like to do? Small deep slit is in their mouths. Like they, they're a statue, and you know like a Halloween mask when they've just got a little slit right there? It's like that. Cool. It looks like something would fit into it.

Got it. Papa Gold piece in it. Do you? Well, first I want to say a prayer for Neh-Daz to look after. Neh-Daz, look after my dear brother, and I, on our journey, and protect the troop back home of brother, sister, father, mother, and then I put a little piece of gold in the, in its mouth. Do you want to do a religion check? Sure. Cool.

Uh, the way I put the golden it's mouth is I put, uh, one piece in my, what half of it in my mouth. I see. And then a, yeah, as a tradition, yeah. What'd you get? That's damn right. It spits the coin back out Okay You feel thank you net us For putting me in my place

You feel like it gave me a gold you feel net us speaking to you or maybe it's just your conscience. You're not quite sure. But you hear net us say work on connecting to others. I go over and give my brother a hug. What you were just kissing a rock. You maniac. Stop me. What have strangers? I go.

You stop feeding butterfing. You do me. He's. I don't know. I'm not saying net up the net up the net up the net up the net. No. Him put a Butterfinger. No.

No. Do you want to, you want her, my God? You just like jam it in there? I say, Ned has to keep my secrets. And then I, and then I mash it in. It doesn't really fit, but I just mash it. Okay, give me a religion role. Okay.

I'll give me a Net 20. That'd be so awesome. 10. 10, do you have a bonus religion? Okay. I'll give me a net 20, that'd be so awesome. 10. 10, do you have a bonus religion? No, nope, I don't. A 10, hmm. I'm trying to think what I have. Yes.

I think that the golden eye glows for a second and it spits back out a chocolate coin in the shape of the, like it spits the butter finger BB out again, but it's a chocolate coin in the shape of the, like it spits the butter finger, bebe out again, but it's a chocolate coin. Neta has seen you. Thank you, our celestial holiness. I understand what this means.

I don't though, I really don't. I do. I just toss it into obsidian's feedback. This is just a penny presser but for chocolate. Is there anything else you want to look at or do while you're here? No, I think I'm getting that forest. I'm ready. Go to the Tamarra forest.

Tamarra. Tamarra. Tamarra forest. Okay. A lush canopy hangs overhead. Birds chirp and small shapes, rustle and shift on the edges of your vision. Let's all chirp back at the birds. No. Great idea, Alex. Do you chirp?

Yeah. Chirp, chirp. A chirp. A chirp. Go on, brother. Don't be afraid. No, I will not chirp. A small bird lands in the crater on your shoulder.

Welcome, friend. Here, let me make it more of a bird bath, and I pour some water into the crater on your shoulder. Welcome, friend. Here, let me make it more of a bird bath and I pour some water into the crater. Trouble, trust me. Disgusting. It freaking stays there. Great, I'm not asking you to leave. All right, a path unfolds before you

with a sign reading Eastern Bridge this way. To the north, you smell the faintly sweet breeze of the salden sea, to the south, the terrain grows rockier. Huge boulders cause a ripple in the sea of trees, and in the far distance, you can make out what seemed to be the moss-drowned remains of a nomish techno-mech. Ooh, how do you proceed? Perhaps we should check out that techno-mech? Yes, my curiosity is too strong to honest it.

I despise the known people. Jesus, no. So the techno mech. I share your just stayin' for it. Okay, everyone. Let us spear them with obsidian sworn. Perhaps you two could be in the middle on something instead of just loving and hating everything.

You're both so passionate. I walk over by myself. No, I am coming with you. Obsidian, trot. Brothers must stay together. You're half stranger. So you're going towards the techno-mech? The Mac, yeah.

All right, what is it with a techno met? The techno Mac is basically a giant robot for a Mac for a for a known like a little gnome to be inside Yeah, I'm a warrior guy. Cool. Yeah And they you know that they were used in the Artiface Wars And I'll give you a little backstory on the known actually to someone on a roll history. Sure Does someone want to roll history? True, cool. I wish I would. I got a nat 20.

Tell us everything you know about, I got a nat 22. Me too. Do we just know? No, I got a nat. Damn, that would have been cool. Okay, so I've had a lot of conversations about this. I, yes, techno mech of the norms.

I know everything about this. Yeah, I think Jens and Onyx probably just sit and I act down. I did say that I took a gnome lover at our last thing. So maybe he taught me all about that. That would make sense. And they talked so loudly that I heard it through the walls. You had a gnomish lover on your last mission. She did say that.

Glad you reminded me. Did I catch that? That's why you hate the gnomes. He broke my heart. So yeah, you know that during the Artifice Wars, which was the big war that kind of ruined the continent of a Ginnarac, the gnomes were there and they were helping to fight kind of in this big battle,

kind of all of the races, all of the world was present in this battle. And this, of course, was the battle where Leont fell asleep and kind of like disappeared from the world was present in this battle. And this, of course, was the battle where Leont fell asleep and kind of disappeared from the world. But you also know that the gnomes kind of, they have a curiosity with higher magic and kind of an appetite for knowledge.

And something happened to the gnomes in the gnomlands. There are civilized gnomes that still live in Vainelar and Vain and us in the cities of the world. But something happened to the gnomes that are like deep within the gnome lands. You encountered them last time when you were getting the four-pull socket. And they've all just kind of gone a little wacky, a little crazy. This is crazy, exactly. Okay, I've changed my mind. I love gnomes.

The tragic figure, sure. So yeah, the techno mech is kind of southeast. So basically you're heading like diagonal into the forest But still kind of like towards your your ultimate mission, which is to the east great We should try to use it Do you want to try? Yeah Certainly, okay, does it seem rusted over does it seem like it's pretty charged?

It's pretty beat up, but you can expect inspect it if you want. Yeah Which I roll or I want to inspect it. I'll be your account, I would say. If you want to inspect, you can just do inspection. Or investigation. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh, okay. That's going to be 19.

I got 16. 19 and 16. It doesn't look like you could activate it. It looks like it's been here for ages. Like, it's at least 300 years old. The power is gone. There's no, like, functioning abilities to it anymore. So is it? There is a no-skeleton inside. There is a no-skeleton inside. That's a really cool. It kind of looks like, if you've seen Castle in the Sky, that Ghibli movie like all the robots are all rusted over and covered in moss

It's more just a reminder of the tragedy of war as opposed to a tool. I wonder if he has any money on him Just open up the cycle and you want to look at this known corpse. I do all right. Okay. Let's see. It's fine. He doesn't need it Brother you shave our family. Well, that's good because there actually is no hour family. It's just my family. Alright, you get 14. I will say there are three gold coins. That's what we keep on that note.

Nice work. I'll deliver to his family. Since I've changed my mind and on ex is deeply attracted to Nooms. I think I just weep for the loss of life. And I hold his like little one of his little femur bones. He's been dead for a long time. You don't know. He imagined the lover he could have been. Danny, if you speak I'm keeping my distance. I hate the nooms. I'm keeping my distance. I hate the known. Do any of you speak nomish?

No, I speak common Elvish and I wrote moonish. I assume moon is celestial with that. Well, that's what you do. Let's show. I've been feeling the moon folk, but we can we can figure it out. Okay, moon folk. That's good. I'll do that. All right. Yeah, there. You don't see anything. Cool. Okay. Let's move in right.

Let's head to Greg and yeah. So yes, I'm after walking through the woods for a bit, you reach a huge clearing. In front of you is a massive ravine that spans both directions. To your left, in the distance, you can see a sturdy bridge and what looks like a small campsite. Several yards in front of you, however, is a super fun looking zip line being used by a group of feral gnomes. Oh boy. As you watch one gnome clips Themself in gives us thumbs up to their friend on the platform then zips across the platform They try to do a cool pose by the zip but end up just getting stuck upside down. I look super lame Foolish creatures. They don't know how to use a zip line

These foolish creatures, they don't know how to use a zip line. I immediately have a logistical question, which is, does the zip line look like it could hold a toy unicorn? I would say a toy unicorn is probably a little heavier than a gnome, but not much because it's celestial, so it's probably light. Good. How do you want to proceed? Beeline for the zip line. Okay, yeah.

Hold on, hold on. We zip in, we're all gnome, sir. Brother, let us have a little on hold on. We zip in your own. No, sir Let us have a little bit of fun. We zip in y'all. All right, we zip in we zip in Okay, so Farrell knows again. You've encountered them before Pretty hostile not instantly friendly. How do you approach? Everyone everyone calm down I walk out into the clearing. Ah, I clap Excellent excellent use of the

Rope thing that you people seem to love. Who are you? My name of course is Jenslyn Dell You might know me and I pull out my two short swords, and I start whipping them around, and I do a beautiful sword, floor stance. I pull my pants down, and I do sort of a burl- for less groutine, where I, I spin the blade so fast that you cannot see my penis. And then I pull my pants back up.

That's my brother. You guys fully see my ass. Do a performance, Joe. Okay. Come on. This means a lot. Oh my God, you're gonna cut your dick off if you get it. 20!

Not in, not in, not 20, but it's 20. Okay. Oh my goodness. Do more, do more, please. Yes, of course. And I do, hey, hey, do go. Do go get done. Yes, do go, come down.

Watch, watch me get lost in the dance. Do go zip lines back over. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. And then, okay, there was one gnome on your side of the zip line. Okay. Do go zip lines back over and then tungle also zip lines back over. So there are now three gnomes on your side.

Beautiful. Ah, my friend. Do go doesn't look like he's impressed. Doagle, doagle, my friend, you are a man of discerning tastes. I can tell that you want to see a great sword dance, the greatest sword dance of all time. I've seen the sword dance in my day. I would take a whole lot to impress all doagle.

Tell you what, I'll do the greatest sword dance you've ever seen guaranteed. Provided, you let my friends and I ride your zip line. Oh it's not called zip line. What do you call it? Zippy-dippy-doo. Oh I'm not gonna say that. Oh you got to say it if you want to ride the zip line. You don't even know how to ride it. You bring shame upon your side. I ride it, you saw me. I saw it. Is it blind? Yeah, Rugal or whatever his name has got stuck halfway.

That was... Tugel. Tugel. Tugel got stuck. I am getting out of everything you knew. Jen's killed these guys. No, we're not going to kill them. What?

This is all part of the show, everyone. Oh, you're on thin ice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I'd... Ah, yes, kill them. The sword dance of death, of course. And I pull out my two short swords, and I do like very over exaggerated lunging motions that are clearly not going to hit the gnome.

Ah, yes, Niaac, thank you for reminding me. This is one of my finest dances. Thank you for thanking me, brother. Can I try to help him by disguising myself as Jen's? Like, two Jen's? Oh, yeah, the same. Thank you. Thank you. Me, brother. Can I try to help him by disguising myself as Jen doing like two Jen's? Yeah, absolutely you can do that She's watching balance. She watches me practice in the living

Hey, uh, the uncle is here. Donkel is here for you. Let's have some shenanigans. All right. I guess both are all a performance then because you can, Emily, Onyx can do disguise self at will. Yeah, one of my eldritch invocations is the mask of many faces. I can cast disguise self as much as I want at will. Oh, there's two Elvis doofuses now. I got a nut 20. I get it. I only got a nine.

I got a nut 20 so 24. See how good she's doing. I just got to 9. I got a 9. It's 20-24. I see how good she's doing. I just kind of start to hyper-enter. All right. Improving this is usually better when... I'm practicing. Yeah. Doogal starts crying.

When I was young, my father took me into the city to see a marching band. Ah, yes, Gerard. In the face, there was a sword dance there and he was beautiful and he accidentally killed my father. Oh. What's his name? Laslik. Yeah.

Wait, you know Laslik. An enemy of mine. Yes, of course. He was beheaded. Anyway. I've had a mistrust of sword dances, but you have renewed my joy and trust in them with your beautiful dancing. Thank you Absolutely, please. I were here. Please use our zip line Please very before we do much else. I want to make sure it can hold

My toy unicorn of course let me see. He picks up your unicorn. Oh, he's a big boy Yes, he is very very heavy For a toy unicorn. I'm not that heavy. Does he like chocolate? He loves chocolate. Okay, I feed it He needs him some chocolate. Oh, it's getting right back down the room. Yes, he makes blessed little rainbow colored chocolates Doogle eats the do-do chocolate. Oh, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- like to go I would like to go Yes, I'll use your zip-a-dipity do yeah, and then do a backhand spring and then I take the broad side of my sword and try to do it myself super fancy. Oh 15 Do you add anything to that 15 is 15 I got a 10 you make it across But you definitely cut your hand really bad.

Take two HB. I'm not that noticed, huh? Can I, for Obsidian, can I use my Mage Hand to sort of help him a little bit? Like on his path, like maybe that will make it a slightly easier check or whatever? Oh, to like help him get across? Yeah, like just like use my made chances.

Are you gonna be zipping behind Obsidian? Yeah, I'll zip behind him. It's a tandem zip. So doing a tandem zip, it's a double harness. And I'll be like tied to him so if he were to follow something. Okay, yeah, I'll give you advantage. I'll get advantage, okay. I said it. It's not. No, I have to do advantage. I'll give you advantage. I'll get advantage, okay. I said it.

It's start. Now I have to do it. 16. Okay, yeah, you make it across. Woo! I think that Tugel is so excited by your sword zip that he tries to do it too. Oh.

I'm a big man too. I do this double-pool zip. Don't do it Tugel. Those are big shoes to fill. Here we go. Sort zip, he zip. Two girls are six. Oh, no.

But he feather falls down. So he's okay. Okay. But he is in the bottom of the reveal now. I'm okay. I know. I'm a bit sick. I'm a bit sick.

I'm a bit sick. Yeah. And I act. Do you want to zip across? Yes, I do want to. Oh, bitch. To the quietly. And yet, Nia, do you want to zip across? Yes, I do want to zip across. Okay. I do this all the time in the jungle. My people taught me how to swing and zip. Oh, I rolled a one. You rolled a one?

Well, let's see what I add to that. I don't know. Where do you athletics or acrobatics? I guess what would be athletics. So you have three to that, so you have four? I have four. No, I act. You're a big boy, you're half-elf.

You got a little human girth to you. It snaps as you fall down. Great, this is what I wanted. I'm swinging from one end to the other side, Tarzan style. It's a zipline, not a rope. Okay. I'm swinging to the wall.

How far is the ravine? It is not super deep. Like it's gonna be unpleasant. I'm gonna say like 20 feet. Okay, okay. So I'm gonna say like 20 feet. Okay, okay. So I'm gonna roll 2D6s for your fall damage. I'm gonna default it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That's in fair. I think that's, I think that I think it's after 10 feet a D6 for each. And I think I'll roll a roll to see if you fall in the water too. Coat boy. Niaq. Okay. You only take three Hopefully. Nah, yeah. Okay.

You only take three damage. I'm fine. You fall into the water and take three damage. Okay, that's actually pretty impressive then. Two goals there. Oh, hey. You, you, you, you, you messed with the structural integrity of the zip line when you used a sword on it, Tugel.

I thought you were a cool, swingy boy. I thought you were jungle. You messed up the zip line, he used a sword on it too go I thought you were a cool swingy boy I thought you were jungle you messed up the zip line too go your tattoos are redsims they say jungle boy you're not jungle boy I'm jungle boy I'm jungle man okay well this stuck down here but that's okay um two cool shots up you take this stairs brother save me I blow a rope down. You got a little more rope? Yeah. No, we don't need rope. Just that's this way. If you want to come with you. I prefer ropes. Okay. He really likes ropes for some reason. Just let him do it. Roll again. There we go. Would you get 14? Okay. Yeah. You climb back up the rope. Tie it. Great. Cool. So you're using just all upper body there. You can use your legs, Snidehack.

I don't have great leg strength, brother. Tugel stays there, catches a fish with their bare hands and bites its head off. Oh, golem's side. Oh, how's that a man? I vote of Shared Sisford, you. You should've caught it when I was down there. I leave. Okay, so you're on the other side of the ravine now.

Cool. Give me, everyone just give me a perception check. Great. 19. 19. 19 as well. Oh, shit. I don't know what I add to it.

Help me. Oh, wisdom. Help your brother. Jen, help your brother. You got a plus four to whatever you have. 17. Wow, wisdom. Help your brother. Jen, help your brother. You got a plus four to whatever you have. 17. Wow.

All right. So you all see this. For a moment, it feels like you're being followed. You whip around, but all you see is a taunting grove of thick, proud pines. You squint closely at one and for a moment, it almost looks like it links at you. But then it's just a regular tree Weird Anyway, do not Cat call me tree. I challenge you. I throw my glove down

Tree does nothing Fight me tree. Honestly, he wants to fight a tree again Do the dual dance all right, I'm gonna roll to see if it's actually a triad It's a 16 okay, it is a triad, but it's like what the fuck dude. Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize he was so big Yeah, fuck you. Hey, you throw the sword back at you 10 Uh, it makes your ear. Ow you take you do have long years I don't know three damage

Serves you right on the tree. It walks away That was awesome. Thanks, I thought it'd treat. Let it be known that he retreated. Suck my stump. Yep. Retreated. Retreated.

I heard that. That was great. Thanks. All right. I live in one of you. You seem cool. I am. All right.

Let's see. You make it across the ravine and continue east. After a short walk, you notice a large cave protruding from the forest. The cave's mouth has been carved to resemble a dragon. And to complete the illusion, smoke pours out of its nostrils. Guys, I think that might be the dragon cave. No, I think we need to keep walking, Naya. Whatever you say, brother, you know best.

A sign reads, definitely the dragon mouth cave. Brother, did you see the sign? Yes. You know how to read back. I do. Wow. I'm going to see impressed. Read and speak three languages, brother.

Could you do a little short rest? I've hurt myself with my shenanigans. Wait, how hurt are you? I mean, I only have 15 dollages, piece of not only have 10. Yeah, you can take a short rest. This episode of NADPOT has brought to you five bird dogs.

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To get yours and a free Yeti-style tumbler, go to birddogs.com slash pop-a or enter promo code pop-a at checkout. That's birddogs.com slash pop-a or promo code pop-a for a free Yeti-style tumbler. You won't want to take your bird dogs off, we promise you. Okay, that's it for me me go team pants and enjoy the show I have I have song of rest, but mine is dance of rest So anyone anyone who is doing a short rest of me can watch me dance and add an extra D8 can they dance with you? I would prefer if they didn't do.

I don't need any healing right now, but I am gonna dance with you. Okay, I'm gonna sit and watch. That's a stroke. What is it? Obsidian. Oh, nice. That's me making that sound.

Cool, I'm back up to full. I only use one hit dice. Great. I actually I even have to use my dance of uh, oh this is great. How long does a short rest usually last for? I think like an hour. Oh that's good. That means that the moons are out. Ooh. Ooh. My home. So yeah, now that the moons are out, now there's gotten a little dark. Are you from? Do you see that? You're from the big moon. No, no, no, no. Wow. So one to the, no, no, no.

The glorious, black moon. Yeah, no, it's actually the one to the left. Is that looks like a tiny star, smaller than a star? Yes. So I just see the one moon. There's the big moon. And then this is what it, I see, I just see a moon. Cloud moves and you see the smaller moon.

Oh. OK, it was hiding behind the cloud. I thought it was a tiny storm cloud. Yeah, no, yeah, that's small for a cloud That is my glorious home. Can you imagine how beautiful it is? Oh, is that an asteroid? Yeah, no, it's a moon It looks like a little asteroid. It looks like some debris Okay, what it lacks inside it makes up in culture Do you want to tell them a little about the moon? It's like some debris. I love the main moon. That's a gospel. That's a political floating in the sky. It makes up in culture. Do you want to tell them a little about the moon? No, they haven't earned it. I clam up.

He's getting clammy. All right, things are getting a little awkward. So I guess it's probably time to proceed in. Also, I'm sad seeing the moon so far from home. Because I miss my home. And I may or may not have been exiled. You're moon sick, may or may not. Yeah, I'm moon sick.

I feel moon sick. Let's escape to the cavern. So now that it's nighttime, you can see that the eyes of the dragon mouth cavern have been carved and they're hollow. And you can see kind of a faint fire glowing within. Brother, do you see the fire glowing within? I see the fire glowing within. Much like the heart of an adventure, a fire glows within this camera.

You also hear faint rushing of water somewhere far away, but you can't quite figure out where. So it's like if it's coming from the cave or just somewhere outside. It sounds like yeah, there's water running like in the cave, maybe you're an elf, right? Yeah. So you have good hearing. Do you want to do a perception? I can do a perception. Yeah, I'm a ranger, so I know nature and I do it.

Yeah, do a nature check. Or a perception or nature. I do a bad job. I think I got a 15. Do I have three? Do you have nature? You don't have nature. Oh, you have a reception. Yeah, you have 15. 15. It sounds like maybe there's water running underground. It sounds like maybe there's water running underground. Wow. You put your face in the dirt.

Naya. Does that mean we should just dig rather than go into the cavern? We're not going to dig. That's a great idea. Obsidian, break ground. Drill, baby, drill. Everyone, we should wait. All right, wait. Obsidian starts digging. We need to be quiet. Yes, yes, good one. We saw, can I I would you allow me to describe this yes, you tug on obsidian's tail They're horn start spinning Do you have stats for obsidian I don't They like what what would they use? String check

14 14 yeah, you drill down And you hit water The liquid do you want to keep drilling? Shall I keep drilling yes, yeah, okay? You keep drilling you continue drilling Obsidian I'm gonna say if obsidian has any like abilities that they can do, they're probably gonna be tapped if you keep drilling because this is taking a lot of their strength.

Obsidian, we haven't really gone over any if obsidian has any abilities or anything like that. So why not just max them out? All right, yeah. You're using obsidian. This is obsidian's ability. It's higher. This is abuse. Feed him. It looks higher. This is abuse.

I think. Feed him some more butter fingers. Yeah. Obsidian loves two things. Chocolate and drilling. Okay, so you use your magical mini unicorn to drill deep into the earth. And eventually the ground gives way and you see an underground river. Shall we just belong in?

Yeah, I think we... You lower yourself in? Man we lower ourselves. Nihac dives in. It's very shallow, of course. Okay, now belly flops in. Let me find that passage. Got it.

So, you see a darkened tunnel, and you make your way through it. I assume you're headed east towards the dragon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as you make your way through the tunnel, a steady stream of water rushes past your feet. Eventually you see lantern light dancing on the walls ahead and you hear the raspy voice of a cobalt

barking orders to her minions. What do you do? No. Shall we stealth up, brother? And sister? And you look like a good idea. Does anyone have, is anyone particularly stealthy? Me?

You are? I am fleet of foot. Oh! I am a ranger. Do you want to sneak up ahead? I'm more of a deception and disguised. All right, one more. I could perhaps go ahead disgu disguise as a cobalt.

I don't know if you can disguise yourself as a little monster man, can you? If Obsidian hadn't used up all their strength, I would have let you turn them into a cobalt. You know what, why don't I give my half brother here, a little bit of inspiration, and I do a sword dance for him. Half brother, full family. my half brother here, a little bit of inspiration, and I do a sword dance for him.

Half brother, full family. I do like a tap dance, but very quietly. Hell yeah. And I spin my swords around. So I'm gonna give you a D6 on your, I guess use it on your stealth roll maybe. Cool. Or actually you can choose I think after.

Oh, that's a pretty good zone for only. You might not need it. You could probably say that. That's an 18. 18? Yeah. Okay, yeah. That's good. So yeah, you kind of side up a little further

into the tunnel down the tunnel. And you see it opens up. And essentially what you see now is a giant kind of dome. There's like a little river on the left side of this like cavern dome. You see a big door with five slits in it. Slits similar to the statue slits. Slits abound in this world. Many slits.

To the right you see a smaller door, which looks like a smaller tunnel that leads deeper into the cave. And in the center, there is a big fire pit. So that was the source of the light you saw outside. And sitting around the fire, you see four cobalts. They sit cross-legged in a semi-circle. And a fifth, slightly larger cobalt appears to be giving them some sort of orientational lecture.

Do you want to listen in? Yes, I listen, technically, with my big half-elfish ears. Um, yeah, I'll just let you hear this. Okay, so remember, the crystal is hidden behind that door, but it will only open if all of your ID pendants are in the right order. The orders based on the first letter in all of your ID pendants are in the right order. The orders based on the first letter in all of your names, are there any questions? Ugh. Yes, Orrin?

Yeah, why exactly regarding this crystal again? Ah. Why are we guarding the crystal? Orrin, we're trying to attract a new dragon to be our god and leader. Were you not paying attention? Dragons love to hoard gold and treasure. And by offering the crystal as a Horde seed, we're hoping we can get one to choose this cave as their new home.

One more question Orin. Did you say Horde seed? No Orin, why would I say Horde seed? That's very inappropriate. We're at work. I'm gonna have to report you to HR orin. That's strike two, buddy. Anyway, let's start guarding this place. We can't let anything happen until the dragon gets here, okay? Are there three more questions? Clearly, I should be disguising myself as a cobalt and going in there with a name tag and introducing myself. And I report all this back to you and love that.

Let's kill them. But we need to know their name so we can ask as we stab through their hearts. I really like the love that idea. Let's kill them. But we need to know their names. So we can ask as we stab through their hearts. I really like the name tag idea. Do we see, do we see, do their ID pendants, do they have their names written on it? Give me a perception check. 20, not that.

Yeah, they have little names written on them. Oh, okay, so we don't need to find out for an answer. It would still be fun, brother. Yes, why don't we try that? No, it does seem unnecessary. Okay, that's good, because I was lying. I was just gonna sneak up behind you.

I'll shoot one with my bow. You shoot one with your bow? Yeah, all right, cool. Hell yeah, I guess that's a sneak attack. Marvin's that work Yeah, so he gets he gets advantage because he hasn't been seen it. I know only one person gets fly true Good Oh, you have 16 hit I'm more of like an up close fighter I look to look a man in the eyes while I stab him in the heart.

So I'm gonna be kind of up next to Niaq while he lets loose his bow so that I can jump out. Okay, you shoot an arrow. Yes. You let loose an arrow. I loose an arrow and I kiss it beforehand. Good. It cuts your lip a little bit. Do I take any damage please? No, no, no, it's just aesthetic. Thank you, Uncle. You're a good kid.

Which one are you aiming for? What's... Orrin? Say you got the little ones, yeah. Kill the one. You're aiming for him. He has a name. Okay.

Orrin. Where'd you roll? I rolled a 17. 17. Wait, yes. 16. 15. What's 16? Goddamn it. 17. Wait, yes. 16. 15. What's 16? Goddamn it.

Do math. All right. I did. Just took me a long time. Do math, Nayaq. Never, brother. You hit. Man.

Man, I borrow a D8, brother. All right, I don't know if you did. I would still choke here. He does hit. Yeah. He does hit. Great. Six damage.

Six damage? He's dead. Oh, he's him. Great. Six damage. Six damage? He's dead. He's dead. Cool. I legala style kill Orin. Delicious. Well, yeah, finishing, I guess. I guess I pull my vote back.

I let it lose while not looking at my target and just winking at my brother. My God. Hahaha. Uh, I flies right into Orin's jugular and he gargles out. I want more questions, while you're reminding that through breaks. I was aiming for the big one.

Hahaha. The big one does take notice of this arrow and it's like, oh shit. Intruder's! Intrers intruders secure the crystal I pop out and I throw my glove down. I say I challenge you all to a duel. I know that's not a duel But let's do I start dancing with my sword and hold them up focus on that dancing or me fuckers. Yes, it's a burlesque when we bring it on I pull out I do my famous burlesque no penis move. I'm a question for you. Yeah After you're done with your no penis dance. I only got a seven-numbered flash dance

When you have like multiple people do you roll initiative for all them or you as a group? It so do one for the big beefy boy and do one for all the cobalt. Okay cool Alright, that's gonna be 13 for Big beefy boy and do one for all the cobalt. Okay, cool. Ooh. All right, that's gonna be 13 for the beefy boy. King beef. Beefy lady actually. I'm really into it. Beefy lady. And that's going to be a nine for everyone else.

What did y'all get? I got 21. 21, all righty. Damn. What do I have to initiate it for this? Dex. So then I got. You got eight. I got eight. Seven. You know I have really initiate it for this? Dex. So then I got. You got Nate.

I got Nate. I got Nate. You know I have really good decks. Okay. Don't worry my friends. I got a 21. I'm just dancing. Okay, so Onyx, what do you want to do?

Okay, so first thing, as a bonus action, I would like to put a pastel curse on the beefy woman. No! Okay. And that means that as a bonus action, cursor creature you can see within 30 feet. Cursed, they're cursed for one minute. I get bonus, I get to add my proficiency bonus

to damage on this target, like as a bonus, and even if it's already been added. I crit on 19 and 20. If they die, I get hit points equal to my warlock level and charisma. Yeah. So that's what happens. So I have, I cast my pastel curse on.

What does that look like? It looks like a Lisa Frank, like. Are they like actual dolphins and rainbows jumping out of it? They're all like coming from my hands and my aura. Oh, jeez, what's that? Get it off, get it off, get it off. And then I eldritch blast her. Okay.

She also looks very pastel. Mm-hmm. Um, which, okay, so I gotta see if I can fight. Mm-hmm. Ooh, that's good. That's going hit. 24. Almost, almost.

It's a 24 hit. Yeah, absolutely. She's holding two shields in his wearing plate arm as your coat bulge. That's going to be 13 points of pastel damage. She's dead. The beef is dead. More beefing than his death. He's to the beef.

You know your orders. Continue. You're not heading overtime. Don't listen to her. She's not paying you well. We'll pay you better. I don't know. I feel like we should listen to her. She's not paying you well. We'll pay you better. Ugh, I don't know. I feel like we should listen to her manage

or even in death. That is in the employee handbook. That's fine. You guys are weeners. Bring it on. They keep attacking. Oh, that is kind of a waste of my pastel curse. I didn't even use it at all.

Ha-ha-ha. OK, so that's going to be the Cobalt's turn. Let's read. Get rid of them. There's three left. Okay, so that's going to be the Kobalds turn. Sweet. Get rid of them. So there's three left. I think one of them is going to... One of them is going to blow a horn. Okay, to try and summon some friends.

So they're going to run into the back room. Okay, and I guess they will take an opportunity attack if they do that. Can I fire my arrow at him then? Yes, that's how that works right, Mer? Are they in range of it? I think it's only if we're within like five feet. So we haven't attacked anybody,

so I think they probably get away. Okay, yeah, I have attacked you. I'll let you try and loosen arrow. If you want to do that. Sick. Shoot the one with the horn. Yes, brother. I'm the horn for the horn, oh, brother I'm gonna hit that guy

It's like a 25 25 to hit yeah, okay. How much damage? Six six oh, they're dead. Yes. All right So pretty already right? Chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit-chit- chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, chit, ch So there's only two more left right? Yes Cool Yeah, they do not work for the you can handle to this time, right? I think so That's a point for obsidian. I think that one all right, so oh yeah, it's an eye extern. Oh, wait No, no, no there's two more cobalt one of them is gonna run back to the room to try and get the horn And then one of them I guess is gonna come at whoever's closest probably me. Yeah, they're gonna come at you All right Let's see how you dance what I take off your legs

How is that possible all Perry? Okay, wow, I'm rolling attack. I don't I don't have great because I have two swords two swords. They rolled a, oh, how do I do attack rolls? This is just like minus, it'll say on it. All right, plus something to hit, whatever. Okay, they roll,

well that's gonna be an eight. No, I got 14. Cool. So I'd like to swing at your feet and just whiff. He parries. I parry out of the way and I smack him on the butt with the broad end of my sword. No!

Above or below the tail? Above it. OK. A small of my back. That's what you get. You little dickhead. It's small, but it hurts so much. All right.

Then the other one is going to run toward the break room. I'm gonna say since you've already Loosen Arrow. This one's gonna get back there. Cool. So they run back there. That's their turn. Then it is my external. Oh right. Yeah, that was a surprise round. Yeah, yeah. Do I can I loosen arrow with the guy that's in the back room? I can't. No, no, no, no'm gonna say he made it into the room already Oh, you're gonna shoot the guy who's on me. Yeah, okay, then I'll shoot that guy all right Channel some pastel energy like into my party so that his arrows have just a whiff of pastel Floralness is that an actual spellers that just flavor. It's just flavor then absolutely

Be my guest. What color is this arrow? The arrow your arrow becomes a beautiful pink. And it does, that's a 21 to hit. Pink power. Damn and that's 11 damage and I don't think I needed that much. I think what happens is you shoot that cobalt right into the back Uh, and he kind of like falls into Jens arms. Oh It's so cold. You're welcome brothers. I sped on him. I see that you have a brother too. I love my brother I just cover his mouth. You were spending too much time dancing at ends You were spending too much time dancing at Jens. Ah, alright, Jens has not yet ended. There is one more cobald and it is Jens turn.

Sweet, I'm going to run after the cobald who ran into the room. Okay. You see him in there. Oh yeah, let me describe this room. Okay, great. So you head through the small tunnel and into what appears to be some sort of cobalt break room, a court board hangs on the wall, there are several safety reminders and a dragon of the month pin-up calendar.

You take note that the November worm is a beautiful 3,000 year old bronze dragon named Autumn. Is it November? Are they like not really up to date? It's not November in their world, too. In the left corner is a small treasure chest, and in the right corner is a huge cow carcass where the note that reads, Steve's lunch do not eat.

You see this cobalt, like just very frantically searching through a treasure chest. I'd be like, where is it? Where is it? Oh God, oh God! I found it! And I guess... just very frantically searching through a treasure chest. I'd be like, where is it? Where is it? Oh God, oh God! I found it! And I guess, was your action was just running into the room?

I mean, how far can I get? Can I get up enough to stab him? I 30 speed. 30 speed? I'm going to say, I have a spell I could do on him. Do it. Cool. If you have a bonus action spell, would you be that? Oh yeah do I have a bonus action? What is sleep? Look it up real quick. Okay. I'm guessing. Damn time. I didn't sleep. It's like you roll. I know but I need hit points. I need to see

it's a bonus action or not. I wish I had barred. I will say this was the hardest part about like planning adventures. It's like I really didn't know how strong to make the monsters. Seems like maybe I've underestimated a little bit. Sure, it'll be cool.

Cool, it's a week as hell. But we're also super weak. So if any of these guys were hitting us, that'd be bad. That's true. Yeah, I mean they can do some damage if they get a hit in, but they're just like weak as hell. Okay, I don't have any spells that I can really do to him if I can't use an action. So I Continue spinning my swords and I say Listen my little horny guy Do not blow that horn you blow that horn

Sure you'll call some more of your friends yeah, right? Uh-huh, and that seems like a good thing But then I'll just kill you and what good what good is that for either of us? We must we must you don't have to do anything No, it is not you're gonna get to see the dragon look all I'm here to steal some of your shit I'm not gonna lie. Okay. I want to take some of your stuff But then you'll get to live you guys can still get the dragon, but that's our stuff. Yes, that's your stuff I'm going to steal it. I don't understand. I have some cool co-pals are very honest people

We don't understand the word. Yes, okay. Let me Explain this to you in a way you might understand. Okay. Please yourself to dance. And I pull my pants down and give my pants. What? Where's your penis? Let's dance. Please yourself to dance.

Give me a performance or a persuasion role. Performance, of course. Wouldn't be Jenslin Delt, we're not a performance. Everything is done with the flourish. Wait, wait, wait, 15. 15, okay. That's a beautiful dance.

He is moved by the power of your dance. The phantasmic flicking of your invisible penis enchants him so. And he drops his weapon and the horn along with it. Okay fine, just let me live okay? Alright, you promise? I promise, you have my word. Alright, you wanna shake on it? Get his key card brother.

Are your pants still down? My pants are still down. He punches you in the dick. I was gonna stab him in the head. Can we roll initiative? Yeah, that was why I was lying to him. Oh, man, I got a 21. Oh god. I got a nine. Two slow you dirty little bastard. I Was lying!

Eight damage. Eight damage is dead. eight damage, eight damage is dead. As he dies his head falls next to the horn on the ground and he goes like, what, what, what? Like trying to blow into it, but he can't, I wish his lips. All right, you're out of initiative, you've killed all the cobalts. My pants are down now because I'm not spinning my sword.

Okay. Your genitals are so visible. Give me other moves or is it just the like, brulesk thing? That's my favorite one. Okay. Well maybe that can be your journey here as you learn new dance moves.

I'm only level two. That's not the one you did on the prince, is it? No, that was a birthday party. That was a birthday party. That one required an audience volunteer. Are you just a male stripper? Sort of. You're a male stripper that also does kids birthdays.

And stab the prince. He, I asked her an audience volunteer. I said this was for adults only and the king insisted. Well, who am I to turn down a king? All right, look, I killed this cobalt. I lied to him and he tried to punch me in the dick. We lied to each other. But he's dead.

Let's get his treasure. Do you call them over? Yeah. All right, cool. What do you want to do? Let's go through their treasure chest. Yeah, and we got their ID cards. Yeah, I'll gather the ID cards.

Okay, great. Good idea. I go right for the treasure chest. All right, you look in the treasure chest and there's another potion in there. Ooh, sweet. Oh yeah. Take that potion. Yep. Is there any butter finger babies?

No, I hide the butter finger BBs. No, yeah, do you want to give me a perception check? Are you still in the main room? Are you in the room? Yeah, I guess I am. Give me another perception check. That's going to be good. What do I add to perception?

Wisdom. 19. 19. Yeah. 19. You look up at the eye on the ceiling for a second And you see a shadow for a moment, but then it ducks out of sight We're being tracked brother. Oh, that's not good

Do you want to investigate further? Yes, I do okay? So I guess I'll just case the case. Case check. That's investigation. Mm-hmm. I don't have shit for investigation. 11. 11. All right. What I'm gonna say you do is you kind of You see that I'm a part of exploration too. You should use it because you can only get it for 10 minutes You can lose it. I use I roll for 10 minutes. You're gonna lose it. I roll a D6. I roll a D6, sad.

13. 13. You walk out. Your dance wasn't that inspiring. This is great because there was some copy I wrote and I really wanted to read it. So I'm gonna read that now. You walk out to the entrance of the cave.

You look down and you notice there is a handcrafted doormat that reads quit drag in your feet, you're home. Then you kind of like scan the perimeter. You see, you don't see anything. You see like some trees, you see some rocks. Everything looks normal. This is all outside the cave. Yeah. Is it dark out there? Yes, it's very dark.

It's nighttime. Can I go back and grab a log from the fire and bring it out and see if I can see anything? Oh, okay. Actually, just bring your log to me. I bring a log to Lumia on its... I cast light on it. As an ASMR, I have the light can trip.

I cast light on your log. Does it look like one of those mini strobe lights? You could get from Claire's yes, it does Yeah, I make it look like a little strobe light. I'm forever grateful to you for lighting my log Will you honor me with a butter finger bevy as well? Open your mouth good boy I've shut my eyes in Ever so tenderly But out the tip of my tongue.

I gently place a butter finger bebe on it. I shut her with excitement. The sexual tensioner is babbleble and there's nothing to do with sex. It's just bebe. I love butter thing. I only bed beautiful and hand some gnomes. Any BB is so hot and I'm not her type. Any BB that I find in the treasure chest,

I'm just hiding in the dead cobalt. All right, so now I have a lit log. You have a lit log, a hot dog and a hot tub. I'm gonna go out. Should we wait and I'll go out together maybe? Okay, what else is in it? What's in the chest? Oh, in the chest is, I mentioned it, just another potion.

Oh right. But it's a stanky cobalt potion. Ooh, disgusting. Niaq, I have a gift for you. I give you a potion. I weep. Yes, I purchased this for you back in town. Nothing is more important than family.

You owe me 25. It isn't healing potion, but it was made by cobalt, so it's more important than family You owe me 25 gold It isn't yielding potion but it was made by cobalt So it's just got some stinky grease in it I'm gonna give, because I have two Because you bought Butterfinger BBs instead of potions So we found a cobalt one And you need to get a potion now We get the potion, I pour out the potion

I use it to store my butterfinger We get the residue. I will trade you one potion for a baby. Give me, alright. How about this? You take the potion. You take the butter finger babies. You put them both in obsidian's mouth.

You shake up obsidian. Obsidian poops out healing. One large healing. No, they're good berries now. Oh, okay. Yeah Good bebies How many good bebies do I have now? Oh? I'll do the let me see We're just so mad at this. He's like it was clearly isn't as good. I should have had a good poop out

But these aren't good berries like they they last more than 24 hours, right? Yeah, okay. Yeah All right, I'm just gonna do a roll for what the potion would have healed you for They turn good berries like they last more than 24 hours, right? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, baby. All right, I'm just gonna do a roll for what the pushy-bees have healed you for. It's a D4. That's good. Wow.

Seven. Seven. Seven good babies. Yeah, you get seven good babies. Seven good babies. Seven good babies. All right. Magic healing turns.

All right, so are you all all going out? Let's go and I have to investigate. BBs. All right. Magic healing turns. All right. So are y'all all going out? Let's go. I have collected the pendants, the ID pendants. Okay. Great. Because you got those. Dan, you want to do it?

You want to do stunton, Onyx? I mean, we can go outside. I know that at some point we will want to use these on the slits. Yes. Let's look at that. Oh, Mick, should we do? Yeah. I'm going gonna take the horn too, because I might brazenly just blow the horn.

Just to, I just can... Don't you think we should destroy the horn? So that no one else can use it? I like to fight. I like to be able to see a man when I stab him in his face. You guys should go, you guys should go and open up the doors though, you can get the crystal.

I'll keep an eye out here. Okay. The mouth of the cave. Dude, you just want to grind. You just want to summon cobalt so you can level. I'll blow the horn if somebody comes in. Yeah. You know what?

I step on the horn. I just crush it. Cool. Let's go put the whistle. Okay. So I analyze my pendants to see the names. Okay. The names are... Let's see.

I have to find out. I know there's going to be an Orin. Okay, the names are Bertha. Bertha. Oliver. Oliver. Steve. Steve.

Orin. Orin. And Bung, and Bungus. Bungus. Okay. So there were five cobalts, there were five names. Jen, do you recall if it was right to left or left or right? I think it's left to right. Jen's doesn't know, but he's pretending he does.

I trust you. You speak with such authority. Yes. I feel like Moonfolk probably read right to left. We read right he does. I trust you. You speak with such authority. Yes. I feel like Moonfolk probably read right to left. We read right to left. Like manga. So we got Bertha. Bertha.

Bangus. Oliver Orin. Steve. We put that in left to right. Say, say the order one more time. Bertha. Bangus. Oliver.

Orin. Steve. Bertha. Bangus. Oliver Orin. Steve. Bertha, Bungus, Oliver, Orin, Steve. So you spell out baboos. Nothing happens. Oh, shit. We will try right to left. No, let's try, yeah, or we could try boobs.

Do you want to try that? Yes. You try boobs. The door opens. Disgusting. Crash. This is beautiful. Bertha, the dead, cobalt leader, chuckles in death.

She was a worthyer foe than I realized. I stab her in the eye. I kiss her. Stop kissing dead cobalt. So you're keeping watch. You don't see anything. Cool. Let's take a look in the crystal room, huh?

You enter the seal chamber. The room is empty, safe for a banner that reads, welcome home in Draconic. Oh, this is kind of sad, right? Who cares? I hate these people. What a bad room in the party. In the middle, you see a stone pedestal,

upon which rest a beautiful glowing aquamarine crystal. It is beautiful. I prostrate myself before it's glimmer. This is a trap. I can't help it. Nope, don't touch it. That's wait a second. Now yeah.

I'm diving for it. No, I'm diving. I wanna tackle you. I'm diving for it. I'm diving for it. I'm trying to grow for it. I love it. Do contest strength.

Yeah. Oh god, damn it. I have such bad strength. Oh no. Ah, 15. All right, so you tackle it. I love it. Do you contest strength? Yeah. Oh god damn it. I have such bad strength. Oh no All right, so you tackle a you stopper. You're still like crawling for the crystal. Niax strides past not keeping watch anymore So I don't know You're stupid. You're stupid, Beast. You look so beautiful in your gorilla. I will give you this crystal for all of your butter bigger babies.

This is the most obvious trap. The stupid cobalt have out-witted you, you absolute moron. It's not a trap, brother. You lift the crystal out. And below the crystal, there was kind of like a little cup shaped holder. You realize that- I'm like a crater. Yes, like a little cup shaped holder. You realize that- Oh, I get a crater. Yes, like a crater.

You see them everywhere. Let's start looking. Why don't you tell us how we die? You lift the crystal out, and you see a little cup shaped recess that was holding the crystal in place. And as soon as you pull the crystal out, huge yells start emanating from the horn going,

oh, oh, oh, oh. Wait, but we shattered the horn. He's been on in shatter day. The horn is recessed into the pedestal. The crystal was blocking the sound from coming out. And see. But then nothing else happens. It's kind of like a phone call after a while,

it just stops ringing. Okay. But then nothing else happens. It's kind of like a phone call after a while. It just stops ringing. Okay. Can I use my Maychan to sort of shove my Maychan thumb into it or something like that? Sure, but as soon as you leave the room, it's going to... It's already stopped yelling, so yes, you can do that. It's not yelling, okay. So perhaps that was meant to alert the gentlemen and gentle woman that we killed in this room.

Well cool, you got the crystal. Yeah, we look at the, I was just a crystal we wanted. Yes. Sweet. Yeah, all right. Well, I assume nothing's gonna go wrong. Let's just head home. It's just yeah.

Should be an uneventful trip home. Definitely. Super. What do you say, everyone? Can we just stride out of here? I'm going to disguise myself as a beautiful gnome for the ride home. You know what, I'm gonna go ahead,

I've got two more party inspirations for the day. I'm gonna give you both party inspiration. You honor me, brother. This one's different. I make it so, I do it from behind my back, so you can't see my ass. But otherwise it's exactly the same. A brand new dance from my brother.

Wow, an amazing. He is growing every day. Just a cylinder of flesh, no butch, he could all. His glorious brother. You can't even see the crack. You have no private parts or genitalia. He called this the sphere. The flesh sphere.

You confuse an astound, brother. Truly, you are... That is the dance. It is witchcraft, what you do with your back. So your two moves are the unseen worm and the flesh sphere. Yeah, great. Okay, so you return to the main room and you find an enormous winged cobalt taking notes over one of the cobalt corpses filling out paperwork for their deaths.

She turns to face you. I realize it's a goddamn bureaucracy. First, you kill my employees. Then you try to steal our Horde seed? Ha ha ha! You mother fuckers came to the wrong cave! And before you can say anything, she turns to reveal she is holding a long metal tube with a series of runes etched onto it and she fires it directly at you. Shit. Everyone, let's give me dexterity saving throws.

Okay. Oh, probably a 20. That's 20 again! For sure, I just got a 20. Mine is a net 20. Net 20. What do I add to my dexterity throw? Murphy. Healthy daddy.

Dang, I was planning on getting new dice, but this is a bit more than $16. 16? Yes. Oh, I have to actually figure out how this works. Is it half damage? Maybe. If you save.

That's how a lot of stuff works. I think it's half damage, but I'm going to double check. Okay. Oh, I do also have resistance to celestial and the chronic damage. Although, cobalt probably works. It's probably fire. We just got shot with a gun, right? It's essentially a rocket launcher.

Ah, a savage weapon. Like, yeah, how do I, oh, is it just the, do I just roll the attack on that? It might, it might just be a deck save one. Depends on how you designed it. If it requires a save, then it doesn't do a spell attack. OK, so if it's a deck save, do I just like, you just tell us if the DC, if we take half, half or if we don't take anything or if we do take it

It depends on what the monsters DC is please uncle their DC. Okay Five I would imagine oh, yeah, it's oh wait I'm the dungeon master. I can just make it up whatever you want You all dodge the rocket flies and explodes behind you in a huge blast of eldritch light, and the winged cobalt takes to the sky of the cave and starts preparing another rocket. Everybody roll initiative. 13 9 Well We got a 13 9 and 9 a cup of the valley Jens would you get you got the 12 yes, okay?

And on X you got the 9 yeah, okay, let's see yeah, let's see how band-off does Band-off your name band off. Her name is band-off You can see she's wearing a she's also wearing a name pleasure to meet you band off Could you fight out here so that I can hit you with my sword? That's so fucking not are you afraid it was band-off are you afraid of my dance compatriots were boobs? Now I see now I act as quick Okay, so... Niaq still doesn't get it.

Niaq is in her first language. Niaq, you get to go first. Niaq is going to cast Hunter's Mark. Ooh! And Murph will tell us about that. That's a bonus action. You'll do an extra D6 if you hit sweet That's so much I have a really similar thing and I hit oh, so I fire my bow at her 22 to hit 22 to hit

Yes, yeah, he is six Eat damage 11 damage 11 damage Eat damage. 11 damage. 11 damage? Wow, we. That was the same. No, it's HP effect.

Doesn't, when I cast Hunter's Mark, doesn't she also get disadvantage when attacking me or something? Okay. She gets disadvantage on all of her attacks? No, I don't think that's how it works. I think that's all for now for... If you want to look that up, I'll just grab Bandoval a little more. Yeah.

She is wearing a pant suit. Oh, I can't kill her. I take my arrow back. I love her too much. We work for her now. I think Bandov looks at you and does not like your style. What? But I like hers.

What are you? You're like a little girl. What is this? You look so, it's so colorful. I am a pastel god. Oh, what is that? Go to so, it's so colorful. I am a pastel goth. Oh, what is that? Go to Pinterest and look up a pastel goth. My daughter has been getting it,

has been hanging out with the goth kids lately. It's no good, it's trouble. You know what us goths get such a bad reputation? I'm going to show you why. They're all back doing arcane behind the dumpster. I don't want her hanging out with that crowd. Okay, well, I see you. Yeah.

See your pig tails. Yes. Your gothic little lead a skirt. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, look at that. Your fingerless gloves. Yes, it is all very fashionable. I don't know.

Seems like trouble. I'm gonna be what your daughter wishes she could be. When I kill you, I'm gonna put you in a big ol' pant suit with a muted pinstripe. Okay, well, I actually think that also sounds awesome. So I'm not too disappointed. Okay. It's nice to know that death will have some adventure. You young man, put on a shirt.

I only recently found out what a shirt is. Well, if you know what one is, then you can wear one butt. See, Molly uncomfortable. Perhaps you'd like me to put on a shirt, and I'd pop off my shirt, and I do the exact same dance boat covering my nipples. Oh! Oh!

Do you do bachelor-rette parties? I do. My friend, Suzanne, is getting married. Yes, come down here and we'll work out the paperwork. You can put it into deposits. And... You know, I do bachelor-rette parties, too. Yes, come down here and we'll work out the paperwork. You can put it in the deposits and... You know, I do bachelor at parties too. I do sort of like a tarot thing.

Oh, that could be fun. It's really fun. Yeah, I've got a couple. I'm in a coven. Oh, okay, yeah, a lot of coven. We just drink sangria though and read books. Yeah, uh-huh. So it's a book club and a little spookier.

Can we play? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're good. Yeah, we're good. We already looked up Hunter's Mark. He did what he could do. Okay, cool. All right. So you fire a narrow at Bandov. Ugh!

Yeah, that's, I'm gonna pay, I'm gonna make you pay for my tailor bill to get that fixed. I don't have any money. And I do have money, and I'm not loaning it to him for you to get your stupid bullshit business suits fixed. But he would loan it to me for other stuff. This is your Taylor Loft, how dare you! Okay, Jens, it's your turn. Sweet.

I cannot do much to someone so far away. So I'm going to do vicious mockery. So I unleash a string of insults. She's got to do a wisdom saving throw or take one deforecycic damage and have disadvantage on her next attack. Okay. Yeah. I don't believe you. I think you've got that at Kmart. That's right. I think there's still Kmarts and I think you are so poor and have such poor taste that you went to the last remaining K-Mart and had a full brother. You had to buy-

I- I just needed a sword to have to cover my nipple. I do not- I hate rap. I don't sing. I do four damage if she doesn't say. Okay. Um, what do I need to be? You need to be it be my 13th. I do not.

Sweet. Got a 4. So, she's disadvantaged. How much damage does she take? Just 4. 4-74. And then she has disadvantage on her next attack. She takes, she's treated at 6.

4 damage? Yep. Okay. Psychic damage from being owned about K-Mart. God damn you're in security. You had to buy that on clearance at K-Mart. It was on clearance at the rack. Yeah, they were closing it.

It was an everything must go sale, wasn't it? I had to tailor it specifically. Yeah. It's like that one episode of The Simpsons were marked as the pink suit. Yes, you couldn't even get that in your size. It's also I'm a cobalt, so it doesn't really fit my body. You're a stupid monster and your wings look horrid.

Oh dear you. I just had my wings done. See that the tips of her wings are. I couldn't tell, they look disgusting. Oh my god, I'm a little horrid. You disgust me. I think they look beautiful, I'm sorry. Thank you.

I much prefer my brother to you. Do you have any, oh my god. I put my arm around my brother. To one where I have no nipples brother. He doesn't wear a shirt he really should. I reluctantly cover his nipples with my sword. That's all I can do. Okay cool.

Sassy. Then it's on extra. Okay. I would like to cast a hex. I would like to cast hex on what's her name, a bandof. Bandof, yeah. I cast hex on her, which means. That does that mean.

And I use the material I use as the petrified eye of a new. I just kind of dope. So I just feel like a petrified eye of a new and crush it between my fingers. And then, and it says, you place a curse on a creature. Are you doing cocaine? I promise. I knew you were a bad seed.

You place a curse on a creature that you you doing cocaine? I promise. I knew you were a bad seed. You place a curse on a creature that you can see within range until the spell ends. You deal an extra one D6 in a chronic damage to the target whenever you hit it with an attack. Also choose an ability when you cast a spell. The target has disadvantage on ability checks made with the chosen ability.

So I'm going to choose wisdom. That's good call. Right. I'm assuming you have some stuff like that. Mm. Okay, and then I'm going to, that's a good call. Great. I'm assuming you have some stuff like that. Okay, and then I'm going to, that's a bonus action. Then I'm going to use my Eldritch Plus Cantrip and Attack. Does a 15 hit?

Does not. Do you have a party of inspiration? Oh, yeah! Hey, shut up! Does a 17 hit? Let's talking more dance and hot stuff. Does a 17 hit? Oh, talking more dance and hot stuff. Does A17 hit? Oh, it does.

Yeah! Okay, then that is... My cameart suit only has limited armor abilities. You're getting womped. Eight. I hit her for eight. Eight damage, okay. Um, and what was the necrotic damage thing?

I added that. I only got a one though. Okay, perfect. One of those is it necrotic damage Okay, cool But just so you know I actually like your pants suit and I'm gonna take it like you ruined it It's in shreds now. It's the person wearing the pants suit that we don't like I also don't like your pants suit

We look good on you. Stop flirting with me. It looks delicious. Just a lusty on. Okay. She likes that you hide your penis. I'm just realizing that I am a stripper. This is fun. I get to do a turn now.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She's just going to keep firing rockets at you. Okay. I'm assuming you all are all still grouped together. You know what I'm saying? I get to do a turn now. Yeah. OK, yeah, she's just going to keep firing rockets at you. I'm assuming you all are all still grouped together.

You didn't really move, did you? Yeah, we were stupid. We shouldn't have done that. We still have all dove out of the way of the first rocket. You could not really surmise that we all dove right into the same spot. This is going to be another dexterity saving throw. 12. 12.

15. Shout out to the two crew. All right. Y'all y'all y'all y'all. I'll go ahead with the rocket. Say again. 15. Just hits.

12. 12. Just hits. I rolled it too. Two. Just hits. We all get blasted. Yeah.

All right. I beefed the DC for this one, because I wanted it to be a little hard good Okay, so you each take I'm gonna roll 3d6. Oh No, this is bad Okay, yeah, you all take 14 damage Jesus I Am so close to death my god is anyone standing I

Okay, we took 14 you said yeah, I'm at one Cool all right someone allowed to eat more than one good berry at a time a K good BB Yeah, I think you can shove a bunch of BBs in there. That's how Bart Simpson would do it. Yeah. You're rock and hurt my brother and it hit him everywhere except for his penis and nipples. I was able to block that. Yes, I aimed very carefully.

Okay, we're not going to hook up, lady. I am inspired by your commitment to your brother's penis and nipples. I will do anything to protect my brother's penis and nipples and butt His buttocks as well I'm putting my hands back on I'm gonna roll to see how many more rocket she has okay Jens we may need to seduce her That's why I only got one rocket left If she fires the rocket again, we're dead, Jens.

You must seduce her. You must mate with her, Jens. Yes, I agree. I could try to seduce her as well. That's... yes. We don't know what she is. She's already rocking. I don't know we do much better try seducing me.

I'm very lonely. All right. I'll fire my arrow at her. It's my turn, right? Who's trying to say, yeah? It's Snagg Stern. Cool. I kissed my arrow and a rolled in 19 I thought I quit but that's my other gear you hit oh, yeah, yeah

I got a D6 cuz you got 100 marks around that too. How much armor's that gonna be my friend? 14 14 She's bleeding all over who her came art, Han suit my god She's bleeding all over her Kmart pantsuit. My god. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Gens, offer yourself to her. Yes.

Is it my turn? Yeah. Okay, it's my turn. It's Gens turn. Bastards. You beautiful bastards. Yes, my beautiful Kmart lady. You trying to hit on me?

Yes. Good. Good. I would like to go ha ha and do an acrobatics check is there anywhere like along the wall that I could run off to try to launch myself near her? Yeah I think there's probably some like ledges. Sweet. My brother has so much game. Yeah. Let me get up there so that we can make out my lady. Oh boy. Jesus, just a 10 on the acrobatics. A 10?

I'll say that you get up there and you have to like scramble to maintain your footing, but you're like up on a tall ledge. So like next time you can launch forward. Fuck. Okay, I just throw one of my fucking shorts towards Adder. Okay. I don't even know.

Absolutely. Okay, sweet. I just like, the blade, I like try even know absolutely. Okay sweet. I just like ah the blade I like try to do it like super At like finesseful as I go up there and then I just beef it and ground a thing just chuck a sword at her She's applying Christ shut up. I got like a five Does not hit bud goodbye to one of my sources. That is a strong Kmart pantsuit though. Sorry, I was enchanted by your beauty.

I would like to cast Healing Word on myself as a bonus action. Do it. Ah, sweet four. I'm at five. I'm assuming I'm separated from them a little bit. Yep, now you are. You're up on a ledge.

OK, yeah, she applies a lip gloss kind of like seductively as the dagger flies right after her. Yes, sorry, we have like sort of a cat woman bad man situation. More of a lizard and mouse thing. Yes, I think we're gonna hook up. If you want to stop fighting. I would never heard someone so seductive before us. You're just oozing with admiration. I swallow so much barf in my mouth. That's a moray. Onyx, it's your turn.

Okay, I'm just going to Eldridge Blaster. So many Lisa Frank dolphins come swimming at her for the air. Does a 19 hit. A 19 does hit. Yeah, bitch. Can I take you back to school shopping for my daughter? So that is going to be 11. 11, Jesus.

11 damage. Well, because I cursed her. Yeah. Yeah. Onyx. Finish her. Okay, I would like for all the dolphins and the Lisa Frank dolphins and sea lions and whatnot to squeeze her to like gather around her like a hug and squeeze her soul out. Then when her soul comes out, they all fly her soul to heaven.

That's nice. And only the pantsuit remains. It's not only the pantsuit. And by sheer magic of the dolphins, they, when they're circling her, it's patching up the pantsuit so that it is in pristine condition. Ha, ha, ha. Jans is touched, but he pretends that he isn't. My God. Well, all of that happens

and you didn't even have to roll for it. That makes it. Okay, you can tell me if the pants suit isn't tatters, I can also work with that. The pants suit remains. Okay. I think there will need to be some like tailoring done. Okay.

But the soul is getting ushered to heaven. This is my hell. By dolphins and sea lions. I have to wait in line at Disneyland for the rest of my life. How dare you! And she dies and you were out of combat. And I catch her pantsuit.

It's beautiful. Don't touch that. Someone died in it just now. Are you taking the pantsuit? Yeah, how about that? I put it down. It could be cursed. Cool, and you kind of a...

I'm trying to get a tattered pantsuit. You kind of dust yourselves off. And after a a moment your coins your calling coins start buzzing again Blavin talk to me. Blavin. We have retrieved the crystal. Do you have it? Yes, I did a scan of the area It seems that there's no more intruders around so up to simply press the coin To the crystal if you wouldn't mind. You did a scan. Why didn't you do a scan of the area beforehand, Blavin? You're obviously sloshed.

Did you not recall your team 22 and monitoring a lot of teams? And also, yes, I did have two. Are you still at the bar, Blavin? No, what? You're here. I hear the possum singing. We are, we are.

We are. We're here. Blavin. Blavin. the R.I.R.R. We are, we are, we are. It could differ in price. Quiet. Flavin. My God. Anyway, yes. If you can just touch the crystal through the coins to confirm that you have captured it.

I feel like I can smell the crawfish on your breath from here. It's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem. It's a problem. Yes, you could blue cheese sauce right in front of him. You could just put that shrimp dead cocktail right there on the table.

Don't you? That shrimp jug jar. Anything to get him off the phone. I put the crystal to the coin. Okay, crystal confirmed. And as soon as you do that, you are all teleported to the table at Bubbogups. It's disgusting. What a disgusting spread you have in front of you, Blavin.

Blavin has ordered you margaritas. Ooh. Salt from the... Now this from in town. Oh yeah, from salt factories. That's fresh salt. You're gonna wanna look that right up. I do enjoy a margarita.

Who doesn't my good friend? Yeah, I just, I do. Blavin, you're not so bad. Can I have this salt from yours? Were you gonna eat your salt? Yeah, I just I'm not so bad. I can I have the salt from yours were you gonna eat your salt? Yes, I was going to enjoy my salt. Why would you brother? Will you share your salt with me as well? I do two not have salt on it's an I want extra salt brother You want extra we get some extra salt on it's my brother is generous There's a salt boy the stress's terrible. No need salt boy.

Salt boy. Hold salt boy. It's me, too, but I got the new job. Too, go. I'm just salt boy now. Remember me? You fell into ravine and now you're a salt boy. Yeah.

Too, go. You son of a bitch. And I ignored him. So, can I see your handy work? How did it go? Well, well, give me one moment and I put the pantsuit on. How do you think it went? Very fetching.

I can barely see the blood. Ha, ha, ha. Those look like doll clothes on you. Yes. A blavin' points at a bunch of stains on his shirts. Like, I've had some battled damage here too. How many meals have you had here at Blavin? I'm on the company car, baby. You've noticed many empty glasses next to Blavin.

There's no protein, there's no mozzarella sticks and not. You can't just eat only appetizer spline. You're a diet. You're doing whatever I want. Did you order the appetizer sampler or did you order them all one by one? You could save a lot of money. Oh, I got the giant sampler, if you know what I mean.

You were just about to leave last time when we left. You clearly signed it. I left my car. Why did you ask for the doggy bag of guac blab? I left my car at the bar and then I thought, what the heck? Sure. You didn't drive here, did you? No, he like pockets his keys. Do you have the crystal?

Yes. Okay. You give Blav in the crystal and he pulls out a translucent pebble and he touches it to the crystal and upon contact it stretches out and grows covering the artifact in a thin film. It's kind of like a rare magic card in a protective sleeve. And once he has that, he pockets it and says, Bravo, you've done it. Give me those punch cards.

And he punches them each with his... Can I try and slip mine under when he's punching someone? I also try and get a second one. I fold mine in half. It's all so I like, I give it to him like this. So it's like, so we, I'm trying to get over the punch too. Yeah, that's good. The punch card rears up its head like a snake

and bites your finger. Oh. I have a two-hp. I was saying how much is it? Jan's chance was impressed by that. Please don't anger punchy. He's my only friend. I use him to open beer bottles.

I take a sip of my brother's margarita. Why, you have your own. Yours looks sweeter brother. Oh yes, you got the prickly pad. That's very good. That's better than his. Yes. They use silver tequila and that one. I did my whole finger into it.

Oh no, you drank with your mouth. So, I am, I am no stranger to, you know, the dark arts or the dark side of life, but I want to confirm the benefactor. Yes. Are they a good person? I think that good is very relative in our current society. Are they collecting these as like oddities or the benefactor feels that Having these crystals out in the world is more dangerous than having them under the safe keeping of a trusted community member I can't respect that couldn't agree more give us gold As you wish he gives you each 10 gold All right, and with that

Blavin gets his second doggy bag and All right, and with that, Blavin gets his second doggy bag and departs for the night. I just realized that there was freaking treasure in that room that we never even got there. No, we didn't, we got the potion. It was just the potion in there. That's what it was.

It was less of a potion, it was less of a treasure chest and more of like a storage locker. It was just a stupid pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A potion box, if you will. Absolutely. So Blavin gets his second doggy bag.

Thanks you for your service and says, now rest up. Keep your calling coins close. The four more Ginnaraq crystals left in the world and the Binnaraq and the Binnaraq will not stop until they are his. It was very smart to choose a character who's drunk because when I mess up my words,

it's canon. When he leaves, we hear a car start, right? Oh, Blavin. You hear a car start, right? Oh, oh, blah, blah. You hear a car start, and you hear him drive into the statues of the car. Oh, sacrilegious. I hope he didn't hit net us. And then he calls a cab and gets home safe. So are you ready for the epilogue?

Yeah. Cool. The night grows late. The two moons of Trinavale cut through the Spog of Vainelar with a callus glare Palos the bigger moon shines purple and resplendent Dwarfing the golden aura of lesser Pollux Palos is such a glorious moon A way but I feel like the unsung hero is I like that. I just call it the moon

I don't even say that there's a big moon because I just consider the big moon the moon Well, maybe your eyesight is the problem here. I doubt it. As you argue, a waiter turns the sign on the door of Papas Jambalaya Jambarine from come on in to y'all come back now you hear and kicks you three out. I can't believe we closed the place back. This is the worst night of my life. I can't believe we closed the place back. This is the worst night of my life. You start to head back towards the city gate, but something feels off. Give me one last perception check.

I got a net one. I got a 15. 15? I got an 18. 18. All right, is that just, do you add anything to that? Brothers perceptive.

All right. What do I perceive? You perceive nothing. Okay. You've had a lot of margaritas. Wow. Am I wearing a pen suit? It does not leave much of the imagination. Yeah, I should know. I'm sort of a stripper. The blood stains have been drenched over with new fresh margaritas stains. Gens you also don't notice anything. you had a few margaritas as well. Niac, my Elven eyes are perceptive. You see with your Elven eyes in the darkness

your calling coins floating out of your pocket. My calling coin is floating out of my pocket. This happens very quickly. You're just catching it out of the corner of your eye but you also notice a jar, like a magical jar. It looks basically just like a milk jar, but with like ruins etched onto it, scoop up all the coins. This is all happening just flow again in front of you. And right as that happens, time stops.

That can be. The jar hangs in midair, and you see walking towards you a massive figure with a long shimmering scarf that is somehow every color and none at all. They put a note in your hand, wink at you, and then vanish. Time resumes and you read the note. Oh, is that the weird just happened everybody? Yes. Great work retrieving the crystal. Keep it up. Your number one fan.

Z. PS. The benefactor is the only one that's watching. And that's where we'll end our session. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Hey! I'm going to be a littleate Gum podcast.