Not Another D&D Podcast - Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 10: Ploys in the Attic

Episode Date: September 19, 2025

Haunted by strange visions from the Abbey, the Triplets launch a full-scale investigation into the Baron and his family! Onyx says yes to the dress, Nyack makes an angsty ally and Jens reflects on the situation as the Trinyvale X Strahd crossover continues!Support us on Patreon! - Patreon.com/NaddpodCREDITSEditing by Brian MurphyProduction and Sound Design by Daniel Ramos (@Schubirds on IG)Logo Design by Chelsea LeCompteMUSIC INCLUDES:"Trinyvale Opening Theme" by Emily Axford"The Gate" by Emily Axford“Where is the Manager??” by Emily Axford"Oh Melora" by Emily Axford"Barovian Tango" by Emily Axford“Selfless” by Emily Axford"The Night Lotus" by Emily Axford“The Little Moon” by Emily Axford“A Memorable Feast” by Emily Axford“Lights Out” by Emily Axford“Moonsick” by Emily Axord"The Tarroka Suite" by Emily Axford"Strahd" by Emily Axford“The Shard” by Emily Axford"Trinyvale Closing Theme" by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.ca slash Wondery. That's audible.combe. This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to Trinneville. And also Barovia. Barovia. Oh yeah, baby. I felt that one deep inside my. marrow. That's right, the soup inside my bones. It's jiggling with excitement, and so am I, because I am your Dracula uncle, aka a drunkle called Well Tanner, and I'm joined as always by my puckish players, Brian Murphy, gives no fucks because he's got burgo bucks, Jen's Lindel. And still creaming his jeans as well. Yes. Emily hit me with a real weird look during that intro, just kind of like staring at me perplexed. Is our marrow really like soup sloshing around in our bones? It's still, It's more of a stew, if I'm being honest.

I just said soup because it was a funnier word, but it's definitely more of a stew. I mean, you can definitely drink marrow. Yeah, you can go to a restaurant and I'll give you marrow if it's fancy, you know. That is so weird. Just, you know what else is weird? This strange land we call Barovia, and in that land is Emily Axford. Warlock of the Archieffey and Burger Master for a day. It's on its limier.

A.K. Jinslandell. A. Oh, I forgot. Human shovel, humble shit farmer Humble Shit Farmer And holding this human shovel Is of course Jay Kerwitz Slayer of Fiends

Whose brother creams his jeans We got there Not my jeans, his jeans Nyack of the Ranafore Okay, now I know we're all excited to see Who's creaming whose jeans But before that How about a quick recap?

Yes, please. All right, when last we met You three had made your way to the wolf's head jamboree in Valki. After a speech from the gregarious burgomaster, Baron Vargas Velakovich, you heard a bell ringing in the abbey of St. Markovia up the hill. The bell was followed by baleful, inhuman screams, which the Baron tried to cover up with flute playing and free wine from the nearby Blue Water Inn. Remembering that the wine ravens had mentioned this tavern, you headed over there to find their brother Erwin Martikov. However, before you could go in, you were met by his wife, Danicaa, who was

running the wine chug challenge. After sending Bluetooth on a reconnaissance mission to the Abbey, Ony, Onyx sat down and challenged a farmer named Imrich to a chug off and also a flirt off. She won both, netting the party three burgo bucks. Yes. Eager to become burgomaster for the day, Nyack ran over to the donk tank, where he and Jens succeeded in sinking some donkey-headed criminals and earning more bucks. Next, the trio wandered over to Blinksey's Bluppet-Blayhouse, where onyx impersonated the legendary puppet pittalwick and despite nyack's terrible eight-year-old disguise groovy managed to impress all the town's children the child a 1930s child's child's a huge lollipop saying groovy he's doing the monkey from johnny bravo everything that's old is the same amount of old i'm floundering brother the little rascals were in the 70s history is flattening gruey movie. Blinsey then revealed to you that his monkey Piccolo actually originally belonged to the

wizard Liamund, who came to this land in search of Straud. He also mentioned that Liamon's apprentice Esmeralda came here recently too. He said he had not seen her in a day or two, but that her wagon was parked in the nearby stockyard. On a whim, Onyck stuck the key to her Liamund tiny chest in the monkey's mouth, which caused him to spit out a scroll, featuring a note from Leamund to Esmeralda, telling her to lay low and wait for him here. After learning this information, you made your way to the wolf wrestling event, where Onyx, aka Jins, the humble shit farmer, succeeded in pinning a wolf and becoming burgomaster for the day.

It was fucking grueling. I edited that and man, oh man. No one else offered. No one else has to wrestle. And I thought I had the best jams. I would have died. Yeah, I guess I could have done it. I don't have disadvantage, but with my roles, I pretty much have disadvantaged.

I'm just saying, when no one else offered, you can't. be mad at me for stepping up. It was a grueling match. Murph made it sound good, but rolling with disadvantage because of exhaustion, it was absolutely a long slug fest. Yeah, there might have been a round or two

taken out of that. We played that for a day and a half. During the celebration, Onyx warged into Bluetooth, who said he was circling the Abbey and was then ferried into the Bergamaster's bedroom. We then cut to Bluetooth, who entered the Abbey through the belfry

and found a strange scene, a moaning figure under a black sheet, a shivering creature in a cage, and strangest of all, a lobster-clawed mutant playing a lute. What the fuck? A luteant. The fucking lutein.

Come to me, my loutints. The lobster man paused to drink wine, but as he did, the shape under the blanket stirred. The lobster mutant resumed playing, and the figure quieted down. And that is where we are now. Okay, so Onyx, Bluetooth is currently.

in this small lofted chamber below the belfry. Just as a reminder, here's the layout of the room. There are two doors leading to the left and right and a set of stairs leading down to the sanctuary's main floor. The door to the left looks more sturdy and bears a small golden plaque, while the door to the right seems more standard. A rope connected to the bronze bell above

dangles a few feet over this black shrouded figure lying on the table in the center of the room. And of course, nearby this table, you see the strange half-man, half-lobster mutant. The lutein? The lutein. Excuse me, let me just find a place. Yeah. He lounges on a cot covered in fur and wine bottles and strums his lute with surprising precision.

The warm notes fill the room and clash with the wimperes emanating from the small, shivering creature in a cage on the floor. The mutant botches a cord, frowns, then looks over to the cage. Whoa, quiet, bro. I'm trying to jam. My tunes are the only thing other than the Abbott that can keep the silica calm. You see the little shivering figure says,

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean nothing by it. I'll shut up, I promise. Thanks, pal. You'd better. Fuck. He's so 90s rad. The lobster loutin continues to play the lute, occasionally taking pauses

to swig from his bottle of wine. Onyx, as has happened to hear Bluetooth say, whatever you're thinking. Should I kill this lobster guy? I'm pretty sure I could one shot him. Okay, I love that confidence, but I think that you should try to see if any of the keys go to this cage. You are invisible.

The cage. Try to go to the cage and open it. Okay, but mom, just making sure when you talk to me, are you pressing your finger to your ear? Otherwise, it doesn't work. No, I am lying limp in the bagger master's bed and pretending to be gems. Ultimate stealth mode. What's your Jen's impression?

Same as my impression for everyone. This is it. That's so good. It's so flawless. So clutch. All right. I'm on it. You should have earned my poor care impression.

Okay. So you want to try and open this cage. You get the impression without a role that the keys mostly work on things in Velaki in the village proper. But I'm going to let you roll a luck check on this to see if this cage was perhaps imported from the village. So this would be a, I'll say 10 or higher, the key will work. That's a four. Ah, okay. Wasn't there also, like, a prize for us behind, like, a sunburst or something like that?

Isn't that one of the things that we not out about with the cards? Can you case the joint and see if there is a sunburst? You're in the scanning mode? Yes, scanning mode. He turns into one of those, like, Waymo cars that has, like, the spinning camera on top. It just spins around really fast. That looks safe And you get like a 3D layout of this room

Again, there are no windows in here This seems almost like an attic space There's these two doors And then the stairway down Should I go through one of the doors Are we going to go down to the main floor? Go down the stairs Because you don't have to open any doors yet

Great, okay, he's going to fly down the stairs As he moves, I'm going to have him do a stealth check With Advantage because he's invisible Dirty 20. Yes. Okay. Yeah, you see this lobster man continues just like plucking on his loot. Clearly he's been drinking a lot of wine.

He's got his job. He's focused on this thing on the table. He is kind of ignoring everything else. So Bluetooth manages to go down the steps without too much trouble. So Bluetooth flies down these stairs and into a 50-foot square room with arched glass windows and two rows of pews.

All over the room, you see more mutant creatures of every variety hard at work preparing for some sort of ceremony. Lizard beings hang flower garlands along the wall. Donkey-like humanoids carry barrels of wine and other refreshments. And high

above, you spot a spider woman cleaning stained glass. On either side of the room, you see large wooden doors leading to the east and west wings. You also see another staircase leading to some sort of cellar. And, At the front of the room, you see a small pool of shining blue water.

Hanging above which is a golden disc engraved with the symbol of the sun. That's it. Beneath this disc, you see a handsome young man in a brown monk's robe kneeling as if in prayer. Around his neck, he wears a wooden sunburst on a long metal chain. After a moment, another creature shrieks into the room. She has the wind. wings, ears, and nose of a bat, but a humanoid face. As she lands, she bows to this man and says,

"'Ears from the festival, your holiness.' The man smiles, then rises gracefully to address the batwoman. Wonderful, Marzina, and how many guests were the Baron descending over? Five, including Udo, your humbleship. Grand. And what of the festival? Does the winner show promise? Or are they as dull as Jawsinka was last year?

The winner's name is Jens Lendell, a humble shit farmer from outside the lackey. She managed to wrestle a wolf to secure her victory. Very interesting. Perhaps we should invite her to the wedding. Just in case our bride doesn't like the gift we've picked out for her. I'll write instructions for you to pass along. With pleasure, your devoutliness.

Speaking of our bride, I have a few final preparations to do. I shall speak with you soon. As you conclude speaking with Marzina, you see this man starts walking over to the stairs that Bluetooth just came from. And as he does that, I need Bluetooth to make one more stealth check with advantage here. 13.

13. The man starts to climb the stairs, then pauses. He turns around, clutches his pendant, and mutters something. Then his eyes glow, and he stares directly at Bluetooth. Ah, it's been a long time since I've seen a servant of Ariana in this land. Why are you spying on me, friend?

I assure you we have the same goal. Now, if you would, please, return to your master at once and tell them that I have good news. Strad's defeat is at hand. You see, I have developed a weapon that not even he can resist. And tomorrow, we shall all be free. Now go on. What do I do? Okay, just leave politely.

Say, I was looking for a bathroom. I'm so lost. Cry a little bit. See, Bluetooth goes visible, turns back into this little raven. I'm so sorry, I was last. I was looking for a bathroom. And if you pee on the ground at the festival, they'll put you in the don't tank, and it seems so bad.

I didn't want to get in trouble. Restrate yourself. Restrate yourself. Bluetooth Azabird just flat down on the ground, splats onto the tile. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please look to go.

Roll around. Play up. I want you up to pee. Ooh. Okay, now fly back. Fly back. See, he's like in bird form, like crossing his legs as if he has to pee. It is okay, my child.

Please, you're welcome any time. Farewell. deliver this message for me that is all I ask have a blessed day may the morning Lord keep you oh sure whatever good work that's so good situation was so airy but you handled it so well thank you I do kind of need to pee now but I'm a bird

so it's like pee and poop at the same time I've heard that about acting that sometimes there is character bleed that's what happens with Jared Leto that's my favorite actor how did you know I just watched Marvieus. It's gloobin time, he says, as he flaps out the window and ships as soon as he gets out the door. I was going to say, if there's a way to fly past any of the doors that we didn't look behind,

I'm worried that this bride is Esmerichaelta. You see, he flies away. One of the mutants creaks open the main door for him as he goes. He flies out of the main entrance of this abbey and is in this sort of courtyard area. There's this winding path that leads down to an iron gate at the foot at the top of the mountain path. And then as he flies, you see colorful flowers poking resiliently from the frostbidden earth

along this path. You see these two lifeless scarecrows with stuffed gullets and sackcloth heads. He zooms down the path and then kind of doubles back around and then kind of swoops a few times around the building structure as a whole, capturing footage for you.

Yeah, his head is rotating. His head is rotating like an owl so he can get 360 footage. And as he does this, you get kind of a sense of the whole structure. There is this big 15-foot-tall sanctuary building. And then there's these two smaller wings on either side. The east wing windows are made of a semi-transparent glass. It's this thick, leaded glass. They're good for letting in light, but difficult to see through.

But the west wing windows are broken and have damaged shutters. And from within those, you hear laughter and wailing of things that should not be. Which, actually, go ahead and roll me a D4, and I will decide which window he looks in. Two. He peeks into the second window, and in this room, you see a fort made of piled bits of shattered furniture and torn draperies. And from within the fort, you hear a mischievous cackle. Oh, yeah. Nobody's going to get.

me in here. You see like a little lizard tail happily wagging, peaking out of the forts. And then you see another of these creatures wanders in. This one looks almost like a dog and it says, let me in there. That's my fort. Yeah, right, dude. This is my fort.

Get your old fort. Oh, come on. Can't we share the fort? I'll give you a bottle of wine for it. Whoa, you got wine? How'd you get that? I stole it from Mishkin. Oh, you're in so much trouble, dude.

This continues for about 10 more minutes, and they kind of eventually start sharing the bottle of wine in the fort and talking about their crushes. Okay. We have to burn down the church. This is really important. I need you to keep watching this interaction. I'm shaking on.

I'm just kidding. Okay, come back here, come back here, because I think we have a bit of time with the keys, and maybe Jens and Naya can explore this building. Yeah, I'll say you guys are playing a lot of games. the spell lasts for an hour. Yeah. I'll give you 10 more minutes so you can explore like one, maybe two more buildings with it.

Okay. Awesome. So Bluetooth finally comes back down. As he does, the monster says, are you seeing anyone right now? No. Are you? No. Well, people actually, there's a rumor going around that we're into each other.

Oh, really? Have you heard that? Yeah, I have. Anyway. On God, Onyx is shipping them so hard. The Jans is just smoking a cigarette. Get inside. Onyx is screaming, you need to be together.

Seraz, do you really feel that way about me? I do, Radu. You're the raddest of all. Tinder. All right, so Bluetooth manages to escape. He flies back down this mountain path and lands on the sill outside of the Burger Master's bedroom in his mansion.

Are we alone in the Burger Master's bedroom? If you want to be. I think there was like a big crowd that brought you. here saying Jens Lindell all as well. You still hear them echoing outside the door, but since you were a programmer master for the day, you can request privacy. Yeah, I shut the door and lock it

and I start unpacking. And I tell everyone what I've seen. Okay. Were the monster, wait, were they, were they hooking up or were they just talking about hooking up? I think says they were about to hook up for the first time.

Oh, my God. We need to kill all of them. Let's save that little guy in the cage and then burn it down, right? it sounds like they don't have a lot of escapes it sounds like they're all going to be in the basement let's start a fucking fire upstairs and collapse everything

burn them all alive and then we'll just collect our present the thing in the sunburst we'll get that after the whole thing is fucking burned down okay I just I think that I mean do you think so bright is Esmerelda we need to go check the That is who I'm worried about

Yeah I think let's go check the wagons And make sure she hasn't been grabbed yet Okay yeah Yeah, well, yeah, because what if she's already in there? Then we can't burn anything down because she might be down there and then she'll get burned when we burn it. We have 10 minutes left with these keys. Do you want to go around quickly just like unlock any chest you see, any door you see?

I make a B-line for the medicine cabinet. I mean, I have to see what this guy is on. I guess let's just start. He's so positive. Just like any things that looks valuable. Well, we know, well, the burgomaster is the one feeding people to the abbot, it sounds like. Yeah. It sounds like, let me know if you have a different route on the situation.

Okay. The abbot seems to maybe might actually be against Straud. And in being against Straud is trying to create monsters inspired by werewolves, essentially being like, I'm going to make these humanoids that maybe can then fight vampires or something. Making an army. It has only created fucking morons. Whatever is under that sheet is something that is going to marry the bride. And then they're going to make some super weapon that is just going to be another one of these fucking weirdos.

Yeah, I think that's my idea. What if we do something like the Abbey under new management? So those monsters are our monsters, those soldiers, our soldiers. What do we want with the lobsterman? Does anyone need to, why do we love the lobster man? He was really good at playing the loop. He could teach us music, Nyak holds up his flute. Jen smokes two cigarettes at the same time.

Can I have one of those? Can I have a drag? Yes. I'm trying to get into smoking. Everyone have a fucking cigarette because none of you are cool. right now. All right. That's cheese.

All right. Oh, that's smooth. Okay. Yeah, Bluetooth knows what's up. I'm going to be sick. Okay. Let's just start sticking keys into keyholes and see if there's anything in here. All right.

I run around the mansion and just start opening all the guys' doors. Okay. Yeah, give me a perception check as you look for keys or investigation. All right. And also just for valuable things. Great. Oh, 22. Hell yeah.

Ooh. So with a 22. you guys case the fucking joint the second casing of the day um i'll give you just a quick rundown of what you see in this mansion um you see all of the servants kind of politely nod you just like run into each room and pull all the books off the shell this is what we played for i'm the burgomaster where i love to you get it yeah go make us some appetizers i have to imagine everyone does this i want abs for dinner Absful dinner, sir, certainly you want a main as well.

I'm the goddamn burgomaster, and I will have absolute dinner if I want them. I pull more books off the bookshelf. We're the mains. Listen to me, I'll throw a book at Nyack. I make a lovely salmon, sir. He's not kidding. He'll do it. I want mozzarella sticks, and I want nachos, and I want three wings, okay?

Awkwardly placed there. And two potato skins for some reason, so that we had to split them awkwardly. Yes. Victor's sampler, as it were. There you go. Yes. The burgomaster's son, he often requests a similar sampler for dinner.

This got a son. How many people are involved in this? Okay, so here's what you see. You see a foyer that has a staircase leading upstairs with a long sculpted railing. There's bundles of twigs heaped against the wall. Nothing much there. There's a dining room.

I grab the twigs for Tinder for when I burned down the church. I'm still committed to this plan. There's a dining room with a chandelier of wrought iron. seated at the table, you see a bunch of women in faded dresses, and then one dressed a little more fancily. I just make sense. Wait, no, the fancy one. Fated dresses, get the fuck out.

Hey, everyone. Hey, everyone. I just start gesturing wildly. I have two cigarettes in each hand. Just thinking about all the fucking mutants that we're going to have to fight in a moment. Just gesturing around wildly. Fated dresses fucking fade out of the mansion, right?

You heard the Barger Master. If you're looking sun bleached, you can get the fuck out. You can get the fuck out. Everyone's looking like an entree and we only want apps. Okay. I start smoking my four cigarettes

and I sit down across from the fancy lady. Who are you? Well, I'm the Baroness. My name is Fiona Wachter. And you are the Bergamaster for the day and that does come with certain privileges. Oh my. Stop.

You can't. Should we? You cannot do this. Alex, let's leave. Leave what? I heard that you were a human shovel. That's her. That's Jen.

Oh, Jans. I'm so sorry. Not Jens, just Jen. If you point to both of us, yes, that's Jens. Because I'm Jens and she's Jen. It's Jens is. Jens is. Okay.

So you're just. The winner of the fair's wife for the day. That seems wrong. Well, yeah, I'm Vargas's wife. And I manage the household because I'm a little, you know, post-jamboree party with my gals here. But if you want me to clear out too, that's your right. We can go stay at our little house across town.

Fiona. Yes. Where are all the most important items? And why's your dress so pristine? Well, I work extra hard because presentation is important in Valais. You know, all will be well, but I try to keep myself as well as possible in the moment. You're the richest. We get it. Okay. Where are the locked doors? Well, you already went through the bedroom. That's the only door we normally keep locked.

I damn it. But, um, well. Where do these keys go to? I just jingle keys in front of her. Yeah, as a baron gave these to us and said, use them without discrimination. Give me a persuasion check. All right. I actually have good persuasion. Can I give him the help action by being the burger master for the day? Yeah. Can I play the electric flute? Okay, sick. I got a 24.

With a 24, she starts listing off all of the expensive things in the house. She was like, we got lots of candelabras. We've got books. Oh, just like, what a collection of books. Yeah, that's not doing anything for us. The only place that I don't think you should explore

is the attic, because that's just where all of our garbage is. And like that's... Okay, bye. That's great. Good to know. And these keys, do you know where these keys go to? Well, they mostly open the gate to the abbey. Got you.

Of course. And then they open our bedroom. And, you know, there might be a couple things that they open in there. But, you know, I just can't really remember. Oh, gosh, you know, the baron's really the one that does the thinking around here. I just, you know, I make sure. Don't sell yourself short. Oh, thank you.

You should leave him. What? You could do so much better. You are a shell of yourself. I just feel like I'm in too deep. That is so. sunk cost fallacy. That's called the sunk cost fallacy, yeah.

He made you a dreadwife. I've never, what? He made you a drag way. He's not a good thing, a traditional lot? No. No, it's sort of like it's used against you. Well, I will say, you know, the Baron and I, we've had a hard times in the past, but we are staying together mostly for our son, Victor.

Where's Victor? Is he under a sheet somewhere being kept down by a, never mind? I have to say Victor might be more inspired by seeing a strong. strong role model who leaves a marriage that she's unhappy with. Yeah. That might be the best thing for Victor. Is that good to be? What is Victor?

Where's Victor a werewolf? All right. I didn't want to say this. I didn't want to bring it up. This is a traumatic part of our past together. But Victor, you know what? You know what? A long time ago, Victor and his father, they got into a little trouble.

Okay. I'm hugging her at this point. Thank you. Yes. Make her feel. Victor, there was a lot of pressure on Victor because he was going to be the baron one day. Yeah. And he ran off when he was just a little boy, about 20 years ago or so.

And, well, werewolves got to him. Oh, he's a werewolf. He didn't make it. What? Oh, he's dead. He didn't make it. And Vargas, you know, he went after him. And, you know, Morning Lord bless his soul.

He went after him. But, oh, my sweet man, he got bit. He got bit real bad. Okay. And, well, you know, all I got to say is thank Morning Lord. Thank Dawn Father for the Abbott because he brought my son back to life. and he cured the baron of his lachanthropy. And everything has been good ever since then,

except my poor boy, Victor, he just stays up in that attic. And I didn't want you to go up there because that's where he is. And you know, if you're talking about my treasures, he's the most important treasure to me. But if you, oh, my sweet burgomaster for a day and other people, if you could go up there and talk some sense into him,

just try and make him see the light of the morning Lord and tell him that all will be well if he just believes it. If you could go up there, I promise you, I will make it worth your while. Anything you want to take from this mansion, I will give it to you willingly. Okay. Yeah. It feels like there's just a bunch of candelabras in here. So I don't really...

We do have a surplus of candelabras. Yeah, but we can smelt them down. We can melt them down. Jenz opens another pack of cigarettes and just rubs his temples. Okay. We are going to do what your husband could not. And I'm going to head towards the attic. Wait, hang on.

All right. So this kid's like a fucking feral Werewolf that's just hanging out in the attic And then Or yeah What happened to Esmerelda? There's just too many fucking people There's too much stuff

Okay you want to go look at Esmirelda before Is Esmirelda the lobster mutant? No, that's the lutein Oh No, Esmirelda was in the stocks Okay, let's With the little mask You were chucking tomatoes at Esmirelda

I feel like Udo's oh god Udo's being brought to the, that's my guy. Okay. I just feel like maybe one of y'all should be taking more notes. I don't know. Yeah, no, okay. I have notes, okay? You seem like you've got a level head on your shoulders.

Thank you. Okay, I'll start taking my notes. A woman in loveless marriage tells me how to live my life. Tusha, young man. All right, all right. She kind of like pulls a little hair off your shoulder. Okay, yes. This is absolutely an ABC conversation.

D yourself out of here We've got a lot on our plate Yeah, we sure do I scream Because I forgot K-Chane was here We are the burger master For us a day

What time do we have Esmeral's just getting married today No tomorrow Is it tonight? I thought it was tomorrow Blue Tiz what did you see I thought it was tomorrow Yeah, he said tomorrow

We have so much time Oh good Let's go to the attic Jen's I think you are suffering this kid has been in I am suffering from burnout you're all fucking burning me out this town is fucking burning me out

okay this kid has been in the fucking attic for 20 years he'll be fine for another hour let's go make sure Esmeralda hasn't been fucking kidnapped right? Maybe she can help us could we perhaps split up and some can go investigate the wagon and some can

go to the attic oh my god also can I have one of these candelabras They're very nice. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. All right, fine. You guys go talk to the kid in the attic.

I'll go talk to Esmeralda. I have invisibility. I'll go make sure I'm not seen. Take keychain. Take keychain? I will come with you. All right. You will hide in my shadow because I'm so tall.

I forgot. I'm really tall. I don't. All right, listen, I'm going to be honest with you, Keychain. If someone sees you and captures you, I'm going to stay invisible. Okay. I understand. I am an easy target because of how freaking tall I am.

I will do my best to not burn down the abbey while you're in it, but I am going to burn down that goddamn abbey. If a talent scout captures me so that I can play for the NBA team. Just the NBA team? You don't even know any of the teams. The Velocchi Velociraptors. Okay. Yeah.

The Velocca Raptors, yeah. The Volokka Raptors, yes. I'm sorry, you wouldn't let me connect to the internet so I could steal all the data and use it to make AI. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay, let's go, friend. I put in another cigarette and walk outside, and I cast the visibility of myself.

Keychain hits the top of every door as you leave. Oh, gosh, it sucks being so tall. Okay, so you're going to head over that way. Let's first handle the attic, and then we'll check in on gins. Okay. Okay, so you're going to go back into the bedroom, and as you go in there, I'll give you just a refresher on what you see in there. Time has faded the grandeur of this master bedroom. The furnishings have lost some of their color and splendor,

but the strong scent of the baroness's perfume remains. A short pole rope hangs from a wooden trap door on the ceiling. You do see that the trap door is locked. In the corner, you see a gilded vanity mirror against one wall next to a faceless wooden mannequin wearing a white bridal gown. Oh, I have to take that. A bridle gown. Oh, my God, it's your size.

Oh, my God. I put on the gown. I have fawns over Onyx. I'm teasing her hair out. Jens gets a piercing headache and doesn't know why. Ressels a zipper shot, okay? It will fit. It will fit.

It gets leverage against an Ottoman. I get really jealous of the mannequin and worry that it looks better than me, and I throw it up to my mouth. As you do, you hear more shouts of Jins, Lendell. All will be well. Okay. So I have the bridal gown on. I look at myself in this mirror.

Great. And then let's unlock this attic. As you look in yourself in this mirror, you do notice that the mirror has a small lock at the base of it as well. It's a vanity. So it looks like there's like a little chest where you could store perfumes or creams. Yeah, I was going to ask, what is the baroness's scent like? The baroness's scent. I think it would certainly be an old world scent.

I would say maybe something simple like lavender or maybe. even something that would grow even in this like harsher climate so maybe even just like maybe even something like um vegetable oil and lavender okay vegetable oil and lavender i'm going to unlock the vanity okay yeah let's see what elixir's this guy's drinking yeah inside the vanity um you find a small crumpled scroll but it's in a language that you can't immediately read go and give me an Arconacek. Nat one. Ten.

Ten. It isn't instantly clear to you, but you think that perhaps somebody else might be able to read and interpret it. Okay, probably Esmeralda or Marina. Great. Yeah, you look into this mirror. You look good in this bridal ground. Great. I feel really confident to go meet a monster.

And now let's go up to the attic. Great. Okay. So you pull down this attic door. as you do a plume of dust kind of fills the room Bluetooth inhales it all for some reason that's a good dust

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Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See MintMobile for details. Hey there, Nad Poles. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. You know Squarespace. They are the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you are just starting out or scaling your business.

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required folks. So check them out. Head on over to Squarespace.com slash pawpaw for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Pawpaw to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That is the code pawpaw. Thank you everybody. You climb this foldable ladder up into the attic and you see that it is full of old forgotten things draped in white sheets. Piled around the sheets are barrels, crates, trunks, and old furnishings covered with cobwebs and dust. However, amidst the dust, you see a clear footpath through a maze leading to a small door upon which is carved a skull, and the words, all is not well. Honestly, this is what my teenage bedroom looked like, too, so I don't feel afraid.

Yeah, same. Nyaka's shaking. Let's talk under the door. Hello, we are here. What? Hey, I talk like a dad who's teenage son to slam the door. Hey, buddy. Mom, is that you?

Oh, God. Is it the burgomaster for the day? What are you doing up here? Leave me alone. Your mother is worried about you and your father is impotent to do anything about it. Damn right about that. Your dad's a loser. We hate your dad.

I fucking hate my dad too. Yeah. He wants me to be the fucking baron around here and this whole town has gone to shit and this whole world is gone to shit and like what's the point? Yeah. Yeah. What happened? How did Abbott save you? do you like the abbot or does he suck like your dad oh my god did my mom tell you all that that's so

embarrassing yeah she talked too much yeah i hate her too actually your mom your mom's all right but she's trending on sucking yeah yeah yeah if you ate or i ate her she has to tread so carefully she was her moments i guess she's okay yeah she's all right she's okay go and give me a persuasion check can i help by um spitting on the floor when i mention the dad yeah 26 whoa fuck yeah

you hear him kind of mulling it over as he talks he kind of seems like uncertain about whether she let you in and you hear like a slight meowing as something brushes up against his leg cricket get back get back damn it

you know what yeah fine fine I normally don't let people come up here but you guys hate my parents almost as much as I do and you kind of yeah you're like on the level about this stuff so yeah all right come on in your dad sucks ass let me in i ate your dad we fucking ate your dad i'm gonna piss in as bad you say you ate my dad not it's like a legitimate concern here you know that's like don't talk about that shit you know that he almost got turned into a we're fucking with you i give him a dead arm all right that's kind of

funny that's kind of edgy i like that actually yeah let us in okay come in but don't fucking touch anything all right okay all right yeah whatever so i come in and i just like across my arms and like i try to act like a teenager so just kind of like kick some dirt on the floor and don't make eye contact yeah yeah yo i guess you see that he opens the door and as he does this um skull engraving on it sort of glows and then fizzles as the glyph of warding is lifted uh and you enter Victor's Attic study. You see, someone has taken old mismatch furniture and created a study in this dusty lamplet chamber.

Tables are strewn with pieces of parchment on which strange diagrams are drawn. And a freestanding bookshelf holds a collection of bones. A dusty rug covers the floor in front of a pine box on which lounges a skeletal cat. Several more cats, all-skeletal, skulk about. and in the center of the room, perched on a stool is a thin young man with a premature streak of gray in his dark hair. He cradles an open, leather-bound book in his arms and is surrounded

by a strange circle covered in sigils and glyphs. Come on in. This is actually pretty cool. Oh, thanks, yeah. Your room's kind of sick. Yeah, it's all right. I found like a spellbook in my dad. It's library. There's actually some really viable books in there. That's so cool. Are you like a necromancer? I mean, he kind of blushes a little bit. Yeah, I guess you could say that. He like tosses

his gray streaked hair to the side. That's so crazy. That's cool. Yeah, but can I tell you about like my big project for the moment? Yeah. Yeah. I'm so curious. I'm trying to build a teleportation circle that'll get me out of Barovia. I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, kind of interested in something like that myself yeah i have to say like how close are you do you need like any help because we actually like are into this stuff too we're both pretty goss really yeah and like when back at home we're like super rich so we could all if we get there like we could hang out at our condo yeah we have like skateboards dirt bikes uh tv we have like a home movie theater that we paid someone, a lot of money to do, like, sort of, like, custom sound, and it's, like,

really inconsistent. Where did y'all say, y'all were from? Trinneville. Yeah, Trinneville. Wait a minute. Does it have two moons? Yeah. Yeah, and it's a cube.

Oh. Two moons and a cube. Nyak, when you say cube, he gasps and says, my mom told you that I died when I was a kid, right? Yeah, but it's like whatever. No big deal. We don't care. But it's like, honestly, honestly, I'm dying inside all the time, right? Isn't that how, like, teenage feels? I mean, yeah, I am like 24, but yeah.

Onyx adjusts accordingly. I think I am too. But I do feel that constant rot. Yeah. This is a very sheltered 24-year-old. Yeah. Well, you came up here as a teenager. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. But anyway, yeah, when I died. I saw other places, worlds beyond Stroud's grasp. I saw Trinnavale, the one shaped like a cube. I saw another world with a sky full of singing stars. And then this really strange world full of talking animals who all wore shoes and gloves. Oh, was porker there? It was beautiful.

Yeah, there was a pork man there. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. So yeah, we've been there. It's so crazy. You've been there. Yeah, and if you can get out of here, we can take you and show you all that shit. I think that you, you two are what I've been missing. I mean, I've tested the teleportation circle before, and the two servants I tested it on, they went somewhere, I don't know where, but I'm so close.

I'm just so close to figuring it out. And I think with your help, we can crack this. Wait, you like, you killed, I think you, like, killed two servants. Yeah, when you say servants, do you mean one of these little bony cats, or do you mean that's, like, one of the women and, of faded dresses. It was Hans the Butler and Danya, the lady waiting.

Yeah, she was one of the faded dresses ladies, but they're not gone. I'm pretty sure that they just went somewhere else. I'm still unscrambling the sigil sequence. I'm so close. With your help, I think we can do this. Okay, yeah. Oh, fuck.

Okay. We'll try. Okay, okay. Yeah, I think, all right, so just come with me. I think if we all position ourselves in a triangle around it, he's getting really excited.

He thinks this is going to work. Can I do like an, inside check because I'm like looking at him being like why does his mom feel not good about how he is right now like I thought he was going to be part lizard can I do like an inside check just to see if he's like being truthful and sincere that's a 10 I guess I'll do one I'll do one yeah yeah that's a seven I have to say you are so cool your mom does not appreciate your unique talents and thank you I could help this town I could get people out of here I just I fucking hate this place so much.

Yeah. And I just, my dad wants me to take over and be the barren. And that's just how much pressure on like after everything I've been through, it's just I feel like, why do that when I can just go live with a bunch of cool talking animals? Is that so, okay,

so that's the world you want to see the most. Yeah. Of all the ones that you saw, you like, you saw the hedgehog, the blue hedgehog and you were like, yes, more please.

I saw a blue blur. And you're telling me it's a. hedgehog? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And he wears red shoes and he has a girlfriend. Had, had a girlfriend. Had a girlfriend. Why don't you guys give me an Arcona check? Nat 20. Definitely beats my two. Shout out to the two crew. As you step around this teleportation circle, you take a look at some of the sigils and glyphs on it. And Onyx, long, long ago, you were a university student. you studied magic and I believe geology. Yeah, geology.

Yeah, magic crystal, you know, magical geology. So you know your way around some citles and glyphs. And you see this and you realize this thing is far from finished. Oh, this is a death trap. Okay. It's a death trap. I tackle Nyack out. Very, very viti.

You tackle him out of the way. He looks up and says, wait, what? Ow! He's going to take 16 points of damage as this teleportation circle explodes. Oh my God.

And then let's cut over to Jins. Jins, I'm going to say you brought Marina with you just to split the party a little better. Okay. So you've got Marina and keychain with you. If either of you get me caught, again, I'm invisible. So just like, I'm not getting any of you out of anything.

Well, you are my sword teacher, so I will fight to defend you. Great. Have you guys done a lesson yet? Is smoking part of the lesson? Do I need to like loosen up my nerves? Yes, please. I see an explosion in the attic.

Let's keep walking. You see like a huge purple glow emit from the attic of the Burger Master's Mansion. It's been a minute. It's literally been a minute. Nyack flying out of the window of the attic with me tackling him out. Okay, you see that, and you make your way over to the ERISEC stockyard.

You see this large open space that has several locked sheds along its periphery. And adjacent to that, you see this roomy warehouse, which also serves as a makeshift general store. A wooden sign above it reads ERISA stockyard. And near the warehouse, you see an older married couple unloading some wares. And across from this married couple, at the far end of the stockyard, you see, See, a purple and gold wagon caked in layers of dried mud. Brass lanterns hang from each corner, and red drapes cover tombstone-shaped windows on each side. All right, that's our wagon.

I'm going to, okay, Marina, keychain, stay back. I will come for you when the coast is clear. Let me real quick, just walk close to this married couple and see what they're talking about. Okay. All right. Are you going to try and like eavesdrop on them? Yeah, great. So which of the sheds are we going to do it in tonight?

Oh, my God. I turn back. I'll use my invisibility to essentially try to give them advantage on, like, stealth checks. I'll give both of them Bardic inspiration. Okay, shit, okay. And I'm going to get all three of us to Esmeralda's wagon. So I will say I'm going to make a stealth check for both of them. Great.

To see if the married couple notices them. It's a 19 for keychain and an 11 for Marina. But that's okay because these are commoners. So their passive is tin. And they're also very focused on the task at hand. Yep. They're so boring. Okay, so they make it over and meet you at the wagon.

As you get a little closer, you see that there's a steel padlock securing the back door. Hanging from it is a cheap wooden sign that reads, keep out. I knock on the door There's no response God damn it I guess I'll use sleight of hand to try to open the door Before you do that give me a perception check

Okay 18 18 you go to use Slight of hand but as you do through the curtain on this little window on the door you see a thin wire glistening in the afternoon sun

Cool. But I will say with your 18, you get keychain to drop down on all fours. He goes back into dog form and sniffs around a little bit. And he sees that there's actually a hidden trapdoor on the wagon's underbelly. I will go to the trapdoor. And I am going to, just in case she's inside and she's definitely freaked out, I'm going to knock on the trap door. There's once again, no answer.

I'm going to say, I'm a friend of Liamund, and then open the trap door. You open the trap door, and as you do, you enter a room filled with wires and jars of Alchemist's fire. Oh, no. You see that there is a wire connected to the doorknob of the front door, but there is none connected to this trap door. so you've managed to avoid setting off this massive explosion. This fire, I can fucking blow up the abbey. I start taking it.

I start like carefully handing it to keychain. Oh my God, we got it. This fucking module. We're so stocked. Okay, it's a small wagon. I guess give me a two plus one d eight roll to see how many jars you find. Fucking one.

Okay, so you find, yeah, that makes sense. One for the front, one for the back, one for the middle. Three jugs of alchemist fire. Not bad. Great. Okay. Hell yeah.

Okay. So you manage to crawl inside this wagon. See, it is lavishly decorated. It's kind of in these purple shoes with like gold trim. There's a little desk in the back and like it kind of like caught for sleeping on. Okay. But on the desk, you find a few things of notes. You see two spell scrolls and a charles.

and a charred letter that seems to have been pulled from a diary. Okay. I read them. Okay, so the spell scrolls are major image and remove curse. Okay.

And the letter seems to be from Lehmann's diary. And it says, At long last, my fight against the wicked Baron Metis is at end. The vampire took everything from me, my friends, my family,

even my home. and now I have repaid his cruelty and kind. After a long hunt I found the foul creature's layer and drove a stake there was hot. For a moment I was distraught. This mission had been my whole life for as long as I could remember. What would my purpose be now?

I pose these questions to sweet Piccolo, but he has not the head for such quandaries and screeched for bananas as is his custom. But as I stood there, soaked in sweat, the bloodied stake still in my palm, I heard a whimper. and saw the form of a small girl chained in the corner. Clearly, one of the baron's future meals.

I unchained her at once, and as I stared into her eyes, I saw the same glimmer of fear and hope that I once saw in Erasmus, fear for those dreaded creatures, but hope that I could save him. It was at this moment that my fate was decided. No longer would I be a simple wizard

toying with tiny chests and girthy yurts. No, I shall take this child, in, raise her well, and dedicate the remainder of my life to eradicating vampires from every sphere of existence in the entire multiverse. The journal entry ends there. It seems like it was hastily pulled from the remnants of a charred journal, perhaps one that was tried to be destroyed. Okay, Keychain Marina. So Esmerald is not here. No signs of entry. I mean, she's probably already been grabbed, or she went to investigate the abbot and was captured there.

Yes, it seems like she parked the wagon here and then perhaps went to investigate elsewhere and has not returned. I'm going to, just in case she comes back here, I will leave my feather that the wine moms gave me. And that way, she will go talk to Irwin. And we have not talked to Irwin yet. Oh, shit, that's right. So what I'm going to do, I guess I'll do one last just like investigation check and I guess ask, does Marina, does anyone have a decent investigation? Because they do have bardic.

So they might have a better chance with a help action for me. Naki Chain, Marina is a noble, though. So she's got a plus one to... Cool. That's great. That's just as good as me. A nat one and a one on the bardic. So glad you guys came.

I look around myself. The bed seems nice. I got a 14. Um, yeah, with a 14, the only other thing you find is a small golden carrot with the words drovash and arvesh written on it. Golden carrot, I will grab that with intention to give it back. I'm already robbing her. All for her own good, hopefully.

Marina Keychain, we're out of here real quick. We're going to drop off at the Blue Water Inn. we're going to drop off a note that says that invites them to dinner at the burgomaster for the day's mansion. Okay, great. So I'm going to use invisibility to drop off for Danica and Irwin to come meet us at the burgomaster's mansion and then I'm going to head back. Oh, wonderful. You drop this note a moment later, you see like the door open and Irwin picks it up and then looks around and then walks back inside. And then you head back to the mansion where you see smoke flying out of the attic now.

I run inside and un-invisibility myself. What the fuck happened? Upstairs, do you go to the attic? Yeah, I just go to them wherever there. You bolt to the attic. You see Fiona says, oh, hey, welcome back. Shut up. All right, you run up to the attic and you see.

I'm in a wedding dress now. You burned me. I'm nearly dead, Victor. Wait, was this, are you being sacrificed or something? I think I've been killed. I've been, I've been smitten. I am no more. I am a smoking wreck.

I'm near death, Victor. So you two managed to avoid the blast because you backed up at the last second, but you do see Victor laying face down in the center of this teleportation circle. Victor! Okay, I'm going to lay on hands. Wait, no, healing hands him. I'll give him four hip points. Victor, come back to me. Oh, my God.

I killed them. I killed those new people. I thought that I sent them somewhere. Oh, no. You did kill them. You totally killed them. Holy shit. Oh, my morning, Lord.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is what I get for not embracing my fate. Oh, my Lord. God, the cycle comes for us all. What do you want? I'll do anything. Just don't tell my fucking parents about this.

I want you to kill this mannequin. I have the mannequin. I'm jealous. You went outside and got it? I made it ended it back. Mom, don't we want to put this with a training dummy so you'll have a family?

No, this medic is too big for us. What information did you guys get while I was gone? Well, he has all these little bone cats. Yeah. He's using his old spellbook. Are they bone cats or are they poorly fed cats? In return for showing you what's happened. Could you just show me the spellbook

that you created also spram? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want me to, like, scrabby some spell scrolls or something? I could do that. We don't want you to do anything. I actually do one set. Did you guys find anything

that you might need a wizard to read? Yes, we did. Oh, okay. Give it to him. Is he... Oh, can you read this? I hold up the crumpled spell scroll in a different language.

It's just nonsense. You're not going to be able to do it. Yeah, I think it was like almost like, have you ever had... I think it's called like automatic writing where you write nonsense. Jen's lights up again. Okay.

Can I have a drag again? I think I'm actually getting the taste for it. Esmeralda is gone. I invited Irwin and Danica here. I have Alchemist fire to blow up the abbey. Jen? Yeah. First off, you're burned out.

Second off, I think you might be taking out your failure on our success. I'm the only one who's done anything. Really? Being the Burger Master for the day is about creating. your own schedule. I did a very embarrassing wrestling match with a wolf to become burger master for the day. While you stood back, not a volunteering. And we're the burger masters.

We're going to enjoy it. This guy almost got his ass blown up. It wasn't for me checking underneath the carriage. So you almost got blown up too, just like guys. So, oh yeah. So I do want to see what the spellbook is called that he's been using, but then also we'll show him the crumpled scroll that we found in the vanity. Okay.

Okay. He goes and fetches his spellbook. I found it in my father's library. It seems like it's some ancient book from someone called The Olmists. I don't know if you know what that is. I have heard of the Ole Miss. Yeah, they were like this order. It's crazy. So I've been reading up on him. They were established by Straud's father, King Barov. And I think like later in his life, after like an entire lifetime of being a conqueror, he kind of like came to his senses and like came to the light a little bit and funded more like research and science and like religious arms of his kingdom.

I was going to say, I was the alchemists. I think like alchemy is one of their pursuits. but I think they kind of like were, you know, scholars of all stripes. Okay. And anyway, so I found some like real juicy spells in here. I got animate dead. Obviously, you can see from my kitties. That's cricket.

That there's a bug. That's hopper. They're all insect themed. Oh, that's cute. That's cool. And then I got blight. I got cloud kill, dark vision, glyph of warding, levitate, remove curse, thunderwave, misty step, suggestion, counterspell.

Fireball, the list goes on. So this sounds pretty necromantic. Did the omists create Stroud as he is today? It certainly doesn't mention that in the book. And I think that, honestly, I think that Strad would kill me for even having this thing. Yeah. Yeah, this is pretty, like, edgy, contraband stuff to you have. Yeah.

We should take it. Yeah. Did you hear about Bres? No, whose Bares? It was the place. I think that's where the Olmists were from. And last I heard. And straw just wiped it off the map.

Where did it used to be? It's like southwest of Borovia. And now is it just ruins? Yeah, just ruins and rubble as far as I can tell. It's hard to get word out from here, but I managed to animate a dead horse and send it on a mission to go check it out, and then it came back and reported to me. That sounds funny.

Where's that dead horse now? Yeah, well, did it come back in the report? Well, it's bones now. I think it didn't come back, would be my guess. Well, it came back, but then, you know, the spell broke. So it, like, I was able to kind of like... So it's just bones. It's just bones now.

It's just bones. Great. Well... Can we take this spellbook? I mean, could I make, like, some copies of the spells for you? I really like doing my research up here. And I promise, I promise not to teleport anyone else. Yeah.

But if you... You've killed a few people with the spellbook. All right. You know what? We don't know how to use a lot of these spells, though. Maybe this guy can just cast the spells for us. But there might be hints in like the footnuts. Yeah, we're the burgomasters.

Let us read it for the night at least. Okay, is there a spell we want me to describe for you? Yes. I think like by tomorrow I could probably put together a spell scroll for you. Ooh, yeah. I was thinking Fireball to burn down some on hysteria as you want to do. Yeah, we do want to do that. Would remove curse prevent strad from, like prevent vamporism?

I think remove curse could prevent if one of us was bitten by a, a werewolf for a vampire, that's good. Is there a greater restoration on there? Remove curse can remove lichenthropy. That was one of the reasons I started studying it, because of course, you know, my dad was bitten and the abbot cured him. Did he?

Yeah, what's up about the abbot? Is the abbot doing remove gars? Is the abbot, is that cool? The abbot is mysterious. What I will tell you about the abbot, he's been in this town for longer than anyone can remember, and it doesn't look like he's aged a day.

So after After I was brought back to life And my dad was cured Abbott He made an arrangement with my dad And we have an arrangement right now Because you cannot tell anyone I told you this

Yeah, no You got it And you didn't kill anyone With your teleportation circle Exactly right How we get it We are just scholars Sitting in my study

In my parlor Discussing the latest Magical Innovations and trends And this is kind of what I'm wanting I've realized It's just friends Who I can discuss things open Yeah, yeah, yeah, sort of a Scottish circle.

So anyway, he made an arrangement with my dad to supply, you know, food and wine, just lots and lots of barrels of wine. More than he would think that the town could provide, but lots of barrels of wine and food. And also, he wanted the hunters to bring him any werewolves he found. Oh, okay. Find any werewolf. So they're bringing, so I'm going to say this right in front of our guy here. yeah because you seem as anti this town as we are so i'm just going to speak openly yeah yeah there are animal humanoids up in the abbot we saw them there lots of ibrids yeah i'm wondering

if there's a situation where he's quote unquote curing lichenthropy by making them become other animals instead of wolves or something and keeping them like complacent by keeping them drunk Does that make sense? Like, less, I don't know, aggressive animals or something? It doesn't seem like something a holy man would do. But again, I don't know much about him other than occasionally he'll come down to that little pool over by our house. You know the one by the gazebo? Sure.

And he'll scoop a pitcher of water out of that. But other than that, the only time he comes down is if, you know, my dad needs something really bad, like when he was bitten or when he comes to retrieve the wine. Okay. Where's your dad now? He's out. It's probably about time to like the wolf's head. Yeah, you look out the window and you see that the day is waning and soon it will be night. Who's in the wolf's head? It's just symbolic. There's no one in there. There's no one in there?

I mean, if somebody, like my dad's threatened to put people in there. If they, like, really break a lot of laws. But most people, you know, you put them into donkey head, put them in the stocks. And then, yeah, they, you don't really see much. of them after that. Do you, have you heard anything about a wedding happening at the Abbey? I look confused as I'm wearing a bridal gown. Is that my mom wedding dress? You could get yourself into a lot of trouble with that. That would be a perfect thing to wear to the wedding on it. It would be distracting. You could potentially convince those idiots that you're the bride. Why do you think I put it down?

Now, I haven't heard anything about a wedding. I mean, my dad does like to make a big to do about weddings in town, so I feel like I would have heard about it. And what about this scroll that we don't understand what's on it? Oh, let me see. You see he puts on the tiniest fucking pince-nezes you've ever seen.

Those can't be doing anything. Yeah, they're clearly... Pinchnesses. They're clearly from one of Blinksie's dolls, but he's like wearing them as if he's an actual scholar. Oh. This is interesting. It's in Old Brovian. It says...

Magic mirror on the wall summon forth your shade. Knights, dark vengeance, heed my call and wield your murderous blade. I immediately go down to the mirror and say this. Yeah. Excuse us, Victor. We have something to do.

Excuse me. Okay, do not tell anyone what I've done. Just drop by any time if you want like biscuits tea. Yeah, could you modify the glyph of wording so we don't have to have it dispelled? Of course. And also he like grabs your arm as you're about to leave.

Take me to see Sonic. So you do it. We'll get you there. You earned his name. In your dying strokes, you not only saw the world of Sonic, but actually heard someone say, Hey, Sonic.

I saw a small fox with two tails. Say, hey, Sonic, wait up. We will send you to Sonic. Also, if you want to get started on a scroll, do we want to just do fireball so we could burn down the abbey? Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

Fireball into some Alchemist fire. Bad ass. You make this packed with Victor, and then you head back. into the bedroom and then we speak who wants to speak to the mirror and the wall do you want to do it jens yeah jens you should do it yeah jens you should do it but if something comes out of the mirror and kills you have you're burnt you're burnt out yeah you need something jent you need some me time do something just for you be selfish what is what is what is self-gare smoking a

and just looks in the mirror and i just say whatever those words are can i get one of those Yes, I give her three. This is fucking incredible. Marina just takes it down like a champ and then starts on the second one. Wow, I'm learning so much for my swordmaster. Okay, so you give Marina the cigarette and you walk over to the mirror. You see that as you look into it, it almost seems as if something is standing behind you or your reflection. But when you look back, you see nothing.

but you steal your confidence and you read the words magic mirror on the wall summon forth your shade night's dark vengeance heed my call and wield your murderous blade as soon as you see these words

a dark figure materializes behind your reflection I'm so happy for you Jens finally it's a darkly handsome man of about 30 years of age with bloodshot eyes he places a hand on your reflection shoulder and as it lands there you feel a chill in the material world the figure leans close towards your ear and whispers who would you have me

killed and that's where we're in our section oh my god oh my god there's Too many people. It's true. You've got a fucking laundry list at this point. I swear to God if you use it on Ismark. Ismark's one of our closest friends. Ask anyone. Ismark's learned a lot from Jans.

Oh, my fucking Lord. Man, I'm glad you've got like a whole week to sit on that. Think about who you want to kill. We can talk about it on the short rest. If you would like to listen to that short rest, where we engage in murder debate 2025. You can do that by going to Patreon.com slash an ad pod.

That's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. We are not singing. We're not singing yet. Because we've got things we need to plug. Anyone got stuff? Yeah, we've got Dimitio 20 Live show. We're doing Starstruck in Vegas. Search Dimension 20 Live to get tickets.

Woo. Yow, yow, yow. I'm hoping to wear sequins. But if not sequins, some kind of big, bold dress. It's fucking Vegas. You've got a sequence. You got a dazzle. And Murph is, of course, going as the fountain.

Yes, that would be the Belagio fountain. The Belagio, yeah. Come look for our big, wet, gush, and guy. What a blowhard. So I wanted to shout out a few things we got from the P.O. box. Oh, yes. We've been getting some real fun, wacky stuff. Claire F sent us a shining leaf flower beetle in casein resin.

Oh, my goodness. It was for my daughter who loves beetles. That's great. And she, like, saw it. And, like, her eyes lit up. as if I had given her like a gold coin. So thank you so much, Claire. And also thank you for the card that you sent that Claire herself designed.

It was really nice. So thanks so much, Claire. Amanda D. sent us a children's book called When You Find the Right Rock, which you know will be ahead at our house. So thank you so much, Amanda. Zach sent us a pin dragon starter box. It's a TTRPG based on Arthurian myth. So I feel like that'll be some very interesting research.

Oh, yeah. And on the topic of rulebooks, Matt B and Renee sent us break, an anime-inspired RPG rulebook. I've paged through it and the art is incredible. They also sent us a knuckles pez dispenser and a kite. So really just a beautiful set word. That just about sums it up, huh? Cut to me on the beach, eating pez and flying knuckles.

Also, I want to say, as we've done this entire recording session, Caldwell's just been sitting on a 30-sided die. Oh, yeah. What? That's my month die in case one of you turns into a werewolf. Oh. We'll talk more about that in the short rest. Yes, we will.

Anyone else have anything you want to plug? Check out my substack. Substack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz. Sweet. And you can follow us on social media there. We may not use. At sales for me, at Coles Caldwell. At a extras Emily and at Jake Rich's Jake, which is Jake.

And you can talk about the show online using hashtag Nadapod. That's NADD-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are. The Youth of the nation. Thank you. Thank you. It's the end of the show, and you know what that means?

It's time to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders, starting with Brad D., Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord, later Mick Skater, Matt M, Cutter W, Jeff C, Daniel G, Danielle the Dastardly Dame, Carpe Liam, Victor T. Balnor's Boy, Hoyd's friend, Justin I, Danny Danster, T.J. M. Trele the Crayfei. Christopher B. Damiel. Say my whole name, Roehy. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobold. Targott. Stevie Wags. Hellish rebuker, the N. B. D.M.H. Princess Yarr. Jory S. Jack L. Nicholas C. star of every film ever made in Bohumia. Mike H.

Elka Smelzer Plus Great Value Gemma Tyler F Carborough Chapel Hill FPV C C C-C-Lulu Bald Byrne Mathieu

Grange Guermin from France RQ Porot Sir Rabbit's Fox Detective Timmy R Jake's Jerk Jelly Hashtag CCCC CASS skateboard

Cass Stephen Sends Cintillating songs C Nick Wolf Nico, the underpaid English teacher. William W. Big Bad Bird of the Mad.

Eric McDee. An Anorama. Percival, Frederick Stein von Musel Klausowski, Dorolo the 3rd. Jay, Dragonbone, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the cock. Impressive Dongle! Ben A. Dave H., Dustin S. Not that Nick. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce.

Buckfar's assistant is E. F. Big Bad John. D. P.C. is awesome. Shown, the shade tree mechanic of Selbeldar. Summer Rose, Grand Terre. Mark the Dark Lord's Taint. Cat C. Misa of House and Zunza. Ariel, the occasional mermaid. Selina and Valaci Raptor.

B. Purgie, always. Bunky Fiasco. Pat L. Lauren H. Serve 16. Annie the Faywild Therapist. Parogi Frenzy. Salil. Bioquirt 7. Amber Dextris. Bean rat was innocent. Trubb hop dropper. Jack H. King of the mole people under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his weight through. A bracket style tournament. Valen. Paz the bitch and bunny bard.

Phaeton, Carlin C, Noah the Bullywug boy, hashtag honor the cock. James G. Everything Bego, the Eladron, who just wants to hang out with his pet, Badger, Stripey, man. Han, Eric B., Marcos, Ph.D., eventually, learns the balanced druid. Frida M., Maggie, Holly the Green Laughing Haina, Grim Waller, Executive Chef of Bohumia. Aaron B. Russell H. A monk named Dilgo. Cody C. Lorelei the succubi and Kira the succulent snack. Cow go trucking. Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and uncle Andrew and said, soon to be education specialist John Adams. James F. Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them. Turn to page 42. Keep them turn to page 69. Oreo, Barpo Good Barbarian.

Garrett G. One Big Curd, Charlie Brown's best friend. Renee, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard, and Jared, the soap opera cleric are now preparing to debut their new song, Jesse's Grill, at Spudfuckers. That's good, I like it. Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett's the artificer, Anthony, the raddest of dudes. J. K-Guard. Fancy Matt. The fairies have returned to debauchery and must now go to the carnal corner. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie-wearing barbarian. Lexi H. MJ the BFG.

Roger L. No-Drog the pass-a-fist barbarian. Jean-Luca. Leon Camori, legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign. Shenanagan's O'Connor. Mios the Great, Joshua S. Alexander, Lynn's W. Sky the Wise, A.K. The lone dungeon master. The spud fucker himself, Johnny Dudeke. The mischief of Nat Pod's familiars. Pavu Escanar, the Goliath Paladin, providing service with a smile. Kit and their cat. Ah? Jakewell, Murphilly. Tim M. Dragon. Night 86. Tiles Lamar. T.R. M.L. G. Cheeto. Shelby. Kenna's first favorite Sprite girl. Goodbye, Hoggis. Let's goon in the chicken wing cream one last time. It's still vegan, I think.

Jet S. Snailus, who's infecting Worcestershire for within. Papa Skydase. Mimau Skydase. Megan N. Genevieve of the C. Anthony B. Balnor's best friend Steve, Stephanie of House in Sinza. Benjamin A. Gimley, the Corgi, Papa and Foster's canine friend. Michael A. S. Tier Crickwater Enjoyer. Josh Hall, pilot of the nightmare verse flight. The two crew blew through.

Kelsey A. Ethan, the mailman. Maple, the shy bookworm. Nick A.J. Ashesaurus. Seth, the stroker. bearer of all hog-related burdens, Billy Batson, Tori, the tungsten dragoose, accidental sharer of recipes, Michael Lyle S. the second, Carl B., plumber of the realm, ace dregs, high lords of Critsberg, Venn diagram, Catamilius, the

consumed, Clinton P, Cam, the vampire frogman, Dean, Jake W, hi, I'm on, Tuesday Cross, only here for the surf and mirth. Me too, my friend. Nadpod fan and bar mitzvahed man. It's Dave O. Steve L. Tyler M. Alex G. Zippa da Bakery. Kaylee.

Katerina C. Misty, the crispy kitty, really hates flame skulls. Victoria R. Greg W. There's so many of us now, but hey, you're doing great. We love you. Thank you. We love you.

Baruch, Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur, working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide. Chupacabri, Boney is dead. The Waterworth, your four-legged Greg companion. Nick, Amy, Aegis, Canary, Ignition Class Petal Storm. Not a DJ, but we'll still take the gig. DJ Dremamine, always take the gig. Aurek von Zorovic My favorite patron makes me say penis on my show

As if I wasn't already Chef Julie B Jen rules kinder Caitlin H buttwax Primala Pibble Peechering Plumbo O Piz are so fun to say Thomas C

And finally Dark Lotus creations Thank you all We love you so much Bye, sweeties. That was a Headgum podcast.