Not Another D&D Podcast - Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 18: Gifts of The Gloaming

Episode Date: December 19, 2025

The Triplets attend a Hogliday Fey Soiree hosted by Onyx’s new patron! Nyack gets a fat lip, Jens goes full Grinch and Onyx has a meal to remember as the Trinyvale X Strahd crossover continues!Need the perfect gift for the NaddPole in your life? RADIO CITY LIVE SHOW TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE NOW! CREDITSEditing by Brian MurphyProduction and Sound Design by Daniel Ramos (@Schubirds on IG)Logo Design by Chelsea LeCompteMUSIC INCLUDES:"Trinyvale Opening Theme" by Emily Axford“Barovian Tango by Emily Axford"The Little Moon" by Emily Axford“The Shard” by Emily Axford"Strahd" by Emily Axford“The Night Lotus" by Emily Axford"The Gate" by Emily Axford"Moonsick" by Emily Axford"The Tarroka Suite" by Emily Axford"Where is the Manager?" by Emily Axford"Half-Brothers" by Emily Axford"Lights Out" by Emily Axford"Trinyvale Closing Theme" by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to Trinneville. Trinnaville. And also, Barovia. Barovia. God, that buttered my fucking bread. That sounded more crass. Butter my fucking bread. Then it should on paper.

Just slathered my goddamn toast. He's toasted. Mm, thank you. My bread is so moist now. It's just absolutely gunked up with that good dairy product. All right. You're making it way too much about come at this point. Now on paper it actually is crass.

Yeah, it crossed over. It crossed the crass. And I apologize for crossing the crass, but that's just where we live in Trinnavale. And where I live is in Borovia, because I am your Dracula uncle, aka Drunkle, Caldwell Tanner. And I'm joined, as always, by my peerless players,

Brian Murphy. Using my action to murder Braxton, it's Jens Lindell. Braxton, no. They're playing Magic the Gathering in heaven now. Emily Axford. Burning Bridges with the witches. It's Annex Lemire. Witches.

Yes. We love to play Ouija with Witchies. And of course, Jake Hurwitz. Witch killer with lip filler, Nyack of the Ranaphore. Why do you have lip filler? I got it recently. I wanted more of a pout. Is that a reference?

It's just something I'll be making sense of moving forward. You said that with such a lack of conviction. You were so scared and rightfully so. It went bad. Oh, wow. The look on your face, I don't know if this connects with anyone else, but it looked like your teeth felt shy even. Like even your teeth were kind of embarrassed.

My mouth betrayed my brain. Every part of him was resisting it. Don't do this. He did reveal that he didn't have a rhyme before we started recording. We're like, you go last, you'll be fine. I'm sorry for telling you that. You should have given me a second. Yeah.

Jeez. You were not fine. I actually like this lower change. Guys, did not get stung by a B? What's happening? I don't know. It doesn't really see. No, he got stung by whatever people who do Botox do are called.

I was mythologist. I got drunk at the fountain of youth. Yes, in Trinnavale, there are Cosmo Bees, and they sting you, and they're full of collagen. Okay, guys, while Naya gets lip filler, how about a story filler? I'm talking about a recap. Let's do it. That's right. You got it.

When last we met, you three were attending a strategy meeting held by Davian Martikov, the Ware Raven owner of the Wizard of Wines Vineyard. Davian explained that up until now, the witches and their creeping hut have been guarding the Gothaius tree ritual taking place on Yester Hill. But recently, they departed to renew the seal they placed on Onyx's patrons Megalith at Fog's End. Davian said they have until sundown tomorrow to stop the druid's ritual. Otherwise, the giant tree will permanently blight the winery's soil, and Borovia will have no more wine forever. Davian then gave you a tiny bell to ring when the witches were all dead.

You instead opted to ring the bell immediately, and as the sweet notes of Eiffel 65's, I'm blue, chimed through the air, you all down some Corvax milk and headed for the megalith. On the way there, you opened the silver tube you found in Alana's garden and learned more about her experiments. It seems she was able to create a strain of metallic garlic with incredibly potent curse-fighting properties. She dubbed this new substance, Puralium ore, and spent several years attempting to refine it into a cure for vampirism. She theorized that after about 10 years of growing, it would be ready. However, after reading on, you realize she was killed before she could see that dream realized. Alana's final entry revealed that she had hid her instructions

for how to utilize the cure under the Gothias tree in a book called the Tome of Strad. In addition to her notes, the book contained information compiled by the Olmas scholars about how to defeat the vampire lord. After a Nat 20 Arcana roll, Jens locked in and studied the bulbs, learning how to use them as a potion, a blade oil, and also as a periapt to interrupt the commands of a vampire spawns maker. You then finally arrived at the megalith, where you saw Baba Lassaga and her coven of boymoms sealing the stone structure with thorny vines. You also noticed Lassaga's creeping hut, which Jins entered after being made invisible by Esmeralda. Once inside, he discovered one of the witches, as well as their three adult sons, Paxton, Jackson, and Braxton.

Grown boys. Jins killed Paxton, who turned out to be a long dead revenant held together by his mother's magic. Nyacton joined the fray, riddling La Saga with arrows. The two remaining boy moms jumped out from her hiding spots and joined the attack while Lasaga continued sealing the megalith. Onyx disguised herself as Ariana and then attacked both Lasaga's body and her philosophy on motherhood. The wounded witch countered by absorbing the life of her coven mates to stay standing, but was eventually taken out by Onyx and her motherly mall. As the coven leader burst into flies and the cursed vines crumbled, you heard the crystal clear voice of Ariana in your head for the first time. She invited,

invited you to enter the monolith and finally meet her face to face. And that is where we are now. On the ground, you see the witch's ancient bodies quickly wither and rot. Then, with a slight hum, the ruins on the megalith start to glow. From the top of the obelisks, you see plumes of fog pour forth like smoke from a chimney. These plumes rise and twist, joining the pillar of fog that swore. worlds all around you. Are they choosing a new Pope?

They might be. I didn't even get to throw my name in the ring. Yeah, Nyack's super religious now. And really pouty. Maybe I could be the first row about Pope. Okay, but Nayak has to go first. This was kind of his idea. Okay, that's fair. I call Pope's divs, Keychain.

You couldn't handle the tall hat. Your next strength isn't strong enough. I knew you would bring that up. Nyack sits cross-legged on the ground. That tiny Dr. Seuss hat is wrecking you. He is bad at wearing hats. Yeah, I couldn't even defend him. I wanted to, but I couldn't.

Yeah, I can't defend him. He can't wear a hat. Nyak pouts. It looks really pouty. Nyak, are you smelling your upper lip? Forget it. I can't tell if it's the fillers or if he's pouting. It's both.

As Nyak pouts, suddenly, seams of light appear on the stone platform at the center of the megalith. The scene splits open, revealing a jet black stairway descending into the earth. And in your mind, you hear Ariana say, please do come in. To your office? That's right.

Okay, we have a chance to meet with someone who's, like, big enough to be one of the people on Shark Thing. Do you want to come with me? Jens runs in. Okay, Aryan, I'm coming, but the first person you see won't be me. It will be Jens. is Jens Lindell, and you kind of have to treat him like he's in charge as or once he lashes out in a ways of a person. Hi, Jenslindel, I come in and I have a business card. That I palm to her.

I've met personalities like that before. You see a lot of them in the tech space. Hi, I heard women were trying out she EO, so I invented he, EO, to take that away from them. My name is Jen. So you guys all start running down this spiral staircase headed towards Ariana's office. as you do, Esmeralda waits outside and she says, if it's cool, you guys, I'm actually going to stay here.

I'm going to try and figure out how to get these creeping hut to work. They're going to be super helpful in battle, right? No, please. Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love a walking house. That'd be sweet. Yeah, for sure.

She flips off Nyack and then walks over to the creepy house. Oh, my God. I was being passive aggressive. Go get some bread, duck face. Very funny. Fuck. So Esmeralda jogs over to the creeping hut,

kind of whistling a tune from Greyhawk or Native Land and starts to get to work on operating it. And then you guys proceed down into Ariana's realm. Jens, you run down these steps. Business card extended, but you do not see Ariana yet. I start freaking out. Is this a power moon? Did I miss her already?

It's a power move. Is this a power move? She's making us wait We have to leave We have to leave Until she calls us back I just start kicking walls And thrashing

Even the power move Please just tell me I give my business card To like a mole that I see I just have to give it to someone If anyone asks if we want water Say no water I don't need water

I'm a CEO Do not make us take a seat You cannot use to me You can bring us directly in Okay I need you to pretend That it's our office When we show up that we have the power dynamics

and it will make us feel safe. The mole says, sorry, we're not investing right now. And then he steals your card and digs underground. I try to kill the mole. You start stamping on the ground of this grassy, dimmy plane.

And as you do, you take in your surroundings and here is what you see. Down through this portal, you find yourself in a twilight grove surrounded on all sides by thick trees. Nessel to top. the grass here you see pods of desks and office chairs all painted bone white so tasteful along the tree line you see huge windows floating in the air their black glass reflecting a night sky full of

twinkling stars and swirling auroras suddenly just as jens finds the mole again you hear a as if from an elevator and then a beam of light appears at the far end of the office the beam expands, revealing an invisible doorway, and from inside, strides Ariana Darkov, the queen of air and darkness. Um, hi. Onyx, babe, hello! She starts to rush forward. You see, she looks like this life-size version of the Eladron doll you bought in Borovia,

except her skin bears no cracks, and her jet black eyes gleam with a strange chromatic light, as if it's reflecting something you can't see. She extends her arms in a gesture of welcome to you, and the movement causes her black blazer to trail inky smoke like that of a snuffed candle. She runs right past Jens and embraces you, Onyx. Jenge walks over and he puts his hand on one of the bone white desks, sees that it can turn into a standing desk, and he starts shaking like an American psycho when he sees a business card better than him as he touches the button to elevate the desk. It's solar powered too.

I hope you like that. Wow, solar powered, even though you're the queen of darkness. That's right. You can do anything, can't you? I provide a tiny personal sun for each desk. It's the desk lamp there. You'll see it, that little orb that's floating. Can I take it and put it on my weapon because we're fighting Strad?

I'm sorry. Unfortunately, it won't. No, you said it, though. I did say it. I didn't say it out loud. You said it. The technology exists now, and it would just be crazy

not to give it to omics. It wouldn't be right. Unfortunately, it's powered by this realm and Stroud's influence is still too strong. The mist outside is still in his control. That's patented up. It's pretty airtight. It would be snuffed as soon as you left this place.

She's smart. Yeah. Jens, you see she does hand you a business card and you see it's gold embossed, and as you touch it, you feel like a breeze blows on your face. And there are actually like twinkling little golden stars that actually animate on the card.

And it says, Ariana Darkov, Queen of Air and Darkness, CEO of Glomco. Whoa. Silfacon Valley. This is a perfect she-work space. Sylvacan, like Sylph, like Sylvan, I'd like to... Yes.

It's Silfacon Valley. are the domains of delight. Yes, it's neighbors at Prismere, if you've heard of that. This sounds so cool. Sounds so cool. Can we just leave Barofi and stay here, please? Or, like, maybe we could, if we, maybe we could make, like, a deal with you, like, maybe a contract is that if we kill Strad, we can come here.

You can use this co-working space? Yeah. Yeah. If you kill Strad, whatever I have to give will be yours. Wow. God, could you imagine just having one of these desks? Touch it again, shaking the fury. Can I ask you...

It's so smooth. What happened? How did Strudge push you out of Barovia? Her face kind of tilts downward as you say these words. I'm so sorry that was such a negative conversation to bring up. It's okay. I value truth and clarity in all conversations. I need to be forward and honest with you about this.

Okay. It has been a long time since my presence was, felt through this land. You see, she kind of like touches one of the standing desks and there's like a thick layer of dust on it. You see, aeons ago, the morning lord and his army waged

battle here against a dark god born from the envy and malice that sleeps in all mortal's hearts. After a long struggle, the morning lord prevailed and to ensure that this dark god could no longer spread his evil influence,

the morning lord chopped his body into pieces and burned it in a holy fire. However, a few small slivers of that entity escaped the pyre and they fell into the valley of Borovia below. Eventually these remains fossilized into crystal remnants that still bear the traces of that God's evil will. For thousands of years these remnants lay dormant, but eventually they were discovered by me during an expedition to the mortal realm. I was but a young noble of the Fay Court then, looking to distinguish myself. And I realized that the dark wishes held inside these remnants could be used as components to power magic item manufacturing. And that is when Glomco was born. To hide my mining operation,

I created magical fog over the land and populated the valley with a race of elves who could draw magic and power from the mist. You see, these elves, they help me harvest the remnants for safekeeping and we place them in an amber vault inside the pillar stone. As she's been speaking, a screen slides down and she's actually got like a PowerPoint deck

with all of this information in it. She's kind of like showing you like stock photos and like historical footage of all this happening. You even paid so the watermark is gone. That's right. I've got a full subscription to I stock. This isn't just royalty free? I'm royalty.

so it's free to me. Nyak shudders. Everything was going perfectly until King Berrave arrived. He mounted a campaign to conquer the Valley of Barovia in the name of the Morning Lord, and he sent the militant wing of his Olmest order here to preach

and convert the inhabitants. As the Morning Lord's influence grew, the sun grew brighter, scattering my mist and weakening my power. I sent my loyal witches to spy, on the king and his family. But then La Saga betrayed me. She fell in love with Beroff's son Strad and trained him in the dark arts. Then she and her coven desecrated my Megalith, the source of my power on this plane, effectively blocking my ability to affect this realm. After that,

she revealed to Strad the location of the amber vault, and he built a mighty fortress around it to protect the dark remnants within. You see, she clicks to a picture of Castle Ravenloft as it stands now. The ultimate Crypto. Whoa. You were into crypto and mining crypto before everyone else? I was on the ground floor. Literally, the ground floor of this pillar stone.

This is true crypto. And unlike regular crypto, this does not ever get devalued because it's built on the dark wish of an ancient god. Straud learned much from these remnants and eventually forged a dark pact with them It was through this pact that he gained the powers of a vampire As well as control over the mists that I once created So I am after the remnants that sleep In the depths of Castle Ravenloft

And these are the remnants of Sigad Yes, small fragments of this once great being What sort of magic items were you making with these remnants? Oh, mostly cell phones. You're telling me you were making hardware? Absolutely. That's very lucrative. Yes, we do cell phones, speaking stones.

Also, we do make a few haunted dolls and Furbis. Labubo's in Navidia? This is really good. So it's kind of like it's a data collecting Labubu essentially. Precisely. Actually, Bluetooth and the Imps, they're kind of like a prototype Labubu. I knew it. Yes, essentially someone that can gather data, bring it back to me,

but also aid with the pact that I've given to my various warlocks. This is like the best business plans that we have ever come across. It's so good because usually like there's just all this like moral grayness, but here it's just like so clear that you're correct about everything. And it's just like. Yeah, it's monopolistic as well. Because we finally have just like a mission. Thank you.

You're so welcome. We are going to restore you to Barovia. I promise you that, okay? I just want to take the rare earth metals and make them into cool phones. And that's all we want is cool phones. I have visions of phones so cool. And if I could use these crystalline remnants, I could make them. But without those remnants, they cannot be.

Can I ask you, like, what would you do to improve upon a phone? A technology I already considered to be perfect. Okay, so a picture like a phone, but it looks like a little egg. Oh my God, you just did it. You just did it. I thought it was perfect and now it was imperfect until it looks like a little egg. And you open the phone and there's silly putty inside, but it's smart putty. And then you can shape the phone however you want.

If it's smart buddy, can I ask it to be silly? Of course. Okay, so it is perfect. Onyx begins weeping in the arms of her mentor. She pats you on the back and says, this is great. This is actually, it feels foretold. It's honestly a hoglete miracle, a true blue hoglete miracle. I don't know if you've been keeping up with the time.

It's a little different out there. But in the Fay Wilde, the Hogletays are in full swing. And I feel like we have to celebrate. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we do have to celebrate because this meeting is truly monumental to me. Should we, yeah, should we open a bottle of?

champagne or do something? How do we ink this deal? She claps her hands and summons a little horde of these tiny blue creatures. You see them like pouring out of the cracks in the desk and everything. I jump on a desk.

I hope you guys get school credit. They look like the Faywild version of Sonic the Hedgehog. Jen's takes a wild swing at one. Oh, please, please. Sorry. Those are my quicklings. They serve me.

They will get you whatever you desire. You said champagne? Yeah, champagne. Let's get a box of coffee. Caviar. Just because it's been a long day. Yeah. We'll do caviar.

Bagels? Can anyone do a bagel? A bagel with a smear? I might just have mine dry, but I think other people like smear. No, he'll have some smear. And make sure you scoop the insides of the bread outside of Jen bagel, because that's how he likes it. Don't toast my bagel. is still tender.

I love the work you've had done there. That's great. It looks so good. The nag's lip is flopping up and down. Thank you. It looks like Donald Duck. You can't drink out of a straw now. And then we just want a bowl of tan M&Ms.

Chans, that is impossible. They were discontinued. Is it? I look at Ariana. You see the little quicklings wink. Bing. And then they zip off towards the little office kitchen. and zip back, and you see they have sorted all of the M&Ms into all of the various colors

with a tan bowl at the prime position on the table. My God. Did you travel through time to Fianzis? No, I just had a thought that they would come back in style. When you're a CEO, you have to think about these things. Yeah, and a tastemaker, apparently. Oh, absolutely, yes. These 10 m&Ms that are all the quick things eat, so.

Oh, okay. Wow. They look sick. They do look really sick. They only live for 15 years or so, so it's fine. Okay. That's still kind of a long time. What's their lifespan if they don't eat only 10 m&M?

Five years. Whoa. Okay. So it's really nutritious for them. They're like the anti-dogs or something, I guess. They love candy and nothing else. Yeah. You see they steal a couple and start just like gobbling them down.

I take another wild swing. Those were my brothers. So you see that the quicklings, after they eat a few tan m&Ms, start decorating the place for the hogletes. They start, like, hanging blue garlands on all of the desks. They are, like, hanging wreaths on all the windows. I've never held a job long enough to have a hoglete party. Do we get off for the hogletes?

Oh, yeah. Do we get a Christmas bonus? There will be a bit of a Christmas bonus gift coming your way. But we have to wait. I have a very special guest joining us. But for now, let's just drink a little champagne. I know you've got a big bottle against the Gothaius three coming up, but I think you've learned a bit of a celebration.

And also, it's worth noting that time moves a little slower in this realm, so you should be able to rest and recuperate before your battle. Excellent. Okay. Okay. Great. Honestly, we don't even need to go back. This seems nice.

I forget what we had to do in Borovia. Yeah, I forgot. I think we were starting a potato stand. Yeah, I started eating a scooped bagel. Yeah, it's just potatoes versus hardware. I just feel like this is much more. Yeah, one literally like expires. Yeah.

What if spudfuckers sold crypto? That's something. Oh, that's so fun. Yeah. We can pivot. All of the best business is pivoted. They all started out as one thing, and then they became something better. Spud coin. It could really work.

But I will say, don't give up on Sputfockers because I've been searching for a cheaper, more ample food supply for my quicklings. And I do think that a baked potato bar could be perfect for them. Okay. You know what? And we also have to prove ourselves business-wise to you. I understand. Yes. We could cut it like a shady deal where we supply all of your employees with the potatoes and, you buy them at like a premium. Or we only accept Spudcoin or your crypto coin or your shit coin. Matt's Budfuckers. Oh, that's good.

Oh, okay. Okay, okay. There are so many big ideas flying around. We're going to need a freaking net to catch them all. Did you say net? Yeah. Oh! Now it pats his pockets and then begins crying.

It's gone. We can get you a new net. My quicklings can knit you one if you really need one. I do. She snaps her fingers and these quicklings using blue and silver thread. Start knitting together this beautiful. hoglete-themed net. You see, it's almost like a poncho.

You could wear it as a fashion item, or you could use it as a net to capture things. Happy Hogletes. I think I'm really getting the spirit. Happily hogletes. May all of your days be spiny and blue. She holds up her glass in a cheers. You guys all toast.

Yeah. And as you take a sip of this beautiful, vintage Faywile champagne, you feel the bubbles, about reinvigorating you, and you are all now level six. Yes. Yes.

Wow. It's so buoyant. What is this? Onyx really wants to pretend like she understands wine. Yeah. What is this vintage? Is it from Alabama? I taste it again.

No. Missouri? Close. It's actually from the summer court. My sister, Titania, makes it. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah.

Florida. Pretty. Summer, scloor. Florida. Yeah, that makes sense. I was really close, actually. Yeah, you were super close. Grapes grow so good in the bog.

These are bog grapes from Florida. Yes. Cool. So as you sit around, drinking your champagne, Hoglete music, filling the air, you suddenly hear a slight pitter, patter of feet on the steps above. Ariana tilts her long, eladron ear towards the noise, and then smiles.

Ah, it seems our special visitor has arrived. After all, it wouldn't be a Hogletay party if the whole family wasn't here. Santa? Bluetooth, come on down. Oh! Blitzis! Ho, ho, ho, it's on to do, go, go, no.

Fast. I look at Nyack, who is that? Sliding down the staircase, you see, Bluetooth, the imp. He has clearly had a growth spurt since you last saw him, and now he looks like a cross between Stitch and a Navi from Avatar. Oh, are you, are you working out a lot? So intense.

This is so intense to see you. Thanks. He's wearing an ill-fitting Santa costume that he clearly got before his growth spurt. Yeah. You have a lot of pubs now. You can't say stuff like that, Nyack. They're poking out of his pants. Nyack, you can't.

You can pull them aside and say, like, you got to get bigger pants or something, but you just don't say stuff like that, huh? Max, it's on the ground. Sorry about that. Bluetooth, we're so sorry. It's okay. I'll take it as a compliment. Yeah. You do need bigger pants, though, because, yeah.

Yeah, you really do need bigger pants. I've been working out so much. I'm actually getting swollen. Sure not. Yeah. Okay, okay. We'll just, we'll go to an H&M and get you bigger pants. It's sick.

We love fast fashion. Yeah, we love fast fashion. Oh, my God. I love anything with Fastin's a title. Actually, like that net. I'm going to get one of those. I can see my abs on a little. You see the quicklings knit him a net as well

and he tosses it on. Fucking good. It's just not a special now that there's two, huh? I look at Nyack. Wow. Nyak, tears are pooling in your inflamed lips. Catching.

Like a basin. I lick them. Like a rain gutter. Salty. Bluetooth comes over to you and gives you a little hug, says, Mom, what happened to Nyack's lips? Does he like,

You have a lot of flaming hot chitos? No, he's glowing up. He's glowing up? No, glowing. Oh, wow. We're all doing a lot of growing. We're working on ourselves. It looks incredible.

It looks fantastic. I considering getting it for Jones next. It does look like a sick Tamagotchi, but I guess I could work for someone. So Bluetooth walks over to Ariana. You see he's holding this big bulging bag of holding. He walks over to Ariana and sets the. bag down, says, got everything you for, boss. He leans back over to you and says, I'm working here now. I'm an intern. Oh, my son, I say job before I do. Oh, I'm so proud. Can I have some money?

What's the pay structure? Do you get a stipend? Oh, I'm loaded. Hold out your hand, mom. Okay. He hands you a bunch of tan hymnums. This is what you get baited? Don't spend them all in one place. Okay, I'm going to try and I'm going to try and create a portal to a different world and sell them on eBay as vintage. Your portal instantly fizzles because the influence of Strauds mist is still too strong here. Okay.

Anyway, so I'm on that grind now. I'm making serious memes. That's what we call Eminem's down here. Okay. And I'm thriving, honestly. I'm doing great. So I've been doing errands for Ariana. I also, I completed the

missing you asked me for. Oh, yeah. Yep, I know it was a while ago, but he hands over the dream journal that you ask him to stash under Irwin's pillow. Yeah. You can check that out now or you can look at it later. I think Ariana's got a pretty sick party game plan, so up to you. Oh, okay. I can save for

after Zabardi. All right, cool, cool. Just make sure you add me on LinkedIn when you're done with this. That's all I ask. That was awesome. So Bluetooth reaches into this bag of holding. He pulls out more decorations, these large golden rings, and then an entire 10-foot Christmas tree, which he stands up right and starts spray painting blue.

And as he does that, you see Ariana wanders over to him and pats his curly hair and says, excellent job, Bluetooth. Now that we've got our tree, the Hoglet Day party can truly begin. Hey, everybody. It's Emily here to talk to you about Mint Moose. You know, you don't have to let big wireless and your overpriced phone bills suck the joy out of the holidays, because right now, all of Mint Mobile's unlimited plans are 50% off. You can get three, six, or 12 months of unlimited premium wireless for 15 bucks a month.

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the tree. Everyone, we are going to play my favorite Hogla Day party game. Dirty Sonic. It's like Dirty Santa, but even naughtier. I don't even have to play Dirty Santa. Of course, we all know how to play Dirty Santa.

Anna, but tell us what it is. A quick refresh on the rules, of course. Okay. Yes. She clicks to the PowerPoint slide again. And you see the rules appear on it. So this is how it's going to work. Bluetooth is going to pull five random magic items out of the bag.

One for each of you as well as one for keychain plus one bonus present. Everyone's going to roll initiative. And then the person who rolled highest gets to choose their present. After that, the next person in the order can either pick a new present or attempt to steal the previous gift using a spell, ability, or contested skill check of your choice. This is going to destroy us. Steelbacks are allowed.

Whoa. It'll be fine as long as everyone knows their place. Get Jen's the best gift. The game will go for three rounds, and at the end of it, you are stuck with whichever present you have. Have everyone got that? Yes. Okay.

Then Bluetooth, reveal the gifts. Ariana waves her hand, and you see a crystal, and flash of magic emanate from Bluetooth's bag of holding. The imp then pulls five expertly wrapped gifts out of the bag and places them under the tree. All right. The first one glows with purple light at the seams of the wrapping paper. The next is a large glittering bag that seems big enough to fit clothing or a weapon. Another one rests inside a toolbox with a big bow on it.

Another one is bound with white paper and stamped with a red seal as if it came from a pharmacy or lab. Meds, dibs. And the final is a small, nondescript envelope. Ew. Gross. Gross. What is that a gift card? That one sucks.

That was an errand. Don't open it. No one's an errand. Guaranteed errand. Looks can be deceiving, but you'll have to open it. All the hot people are the coolest. Are any of these net shaped? You do think that the large glittering bag or the toolbox might have something that could hold a net inside.

Okay. Okay, great. If everyone's ready, let's go ahead and roll initiative. 24. Wow. Seven. 15. Oh, no, 16.

The order has been decided. Gin's, you are first to unwrap a present. Glittering bag, glittering back, glittering back. All right. Good choice. So the way this is going to work, I have pre-rolled the rarity level, but you are going to get to roll on the item table itself. Okay. So D&D 2024 has a new thing where there are like different types of items.

They're like categorized differently. So I've broken them down like that. that. Sick. Right on. So go ahead and roll me a D-100. You say glittering bag? Yeah. This is going to be the armament table. Thirty-nine. Thirty-nine. Okay, Jens. You reach your hand into this glittering bag. And as you do, you see that the tissue paper inside is actually flames. Whoa. You grab the hilt of something and pull it out. And from this bag, you pull forth the flame tongue. Whoa, what is the flame tongue?

The flame tongue is a magic weapon. You can take a bonus action and use a command where to cause flames to engulf the damage-dealing part of this weapon. These flames shed bright light in a 40-foot radius and dim light for an additional 40. Bright light, not sunlight. While the weapon is ablaze, it deals an extra 2D6 fire damage on a hit. Whoa. The flames last until you take a bonus. to issue the command again or until you drop stow or sheath the weapon.

And as you pull it out of the bag, you see it sort of shifts to perfectly fit the style of weapon you would want. It becomes this like sleek, flaming repear. Okay, sweet. Wow, great pull. Very good start. Yeah, that's a solid pull. No one touched this. It's swing it at people. It does 2D6 on every attack. Let me double check that, but I think so.

Onyx, don't get any ideas. Yeah, while a blaze, it deals an extra 2D6 fire damage on a hit. Again, these are all ranked by rarity. That was one of the better pools. Oh, no. I just realized that the lower you roll, the better it is. Brother, you've left yourself very vulnerable. In what way, Nyack?

I can't protect you from Onyx, brother. I've been really craving more power. So, Nyack, that is your turn. your very swollen lips. You have an option here. You can either try to steal the weapon from gins or you can open another gift. You wouldn't dare.

I would never. I've got my eyes on this very obvious glowing one. Okay, the glowing box. It's leaking purple light at the seams. Awesome. Okay. Go ahead and roll me a D100. 81.

81. This is coming from the Arcana table. Pretty good. You get a level three spell scroll of your choice. Anything. Anything within reason, I will say, but you do see you pull this out and it's almost like blank waiting for you to prompt what this spell will be. So you can think about it for a second, but you have this kind of glowing arcane scroll that you can inscribe a spell onto. And I'll say that can be part of the game. You can inscribe it now or you can keep it blank. Okay. You know, in Scrabble, the blank tile is one of the most powerful tiles, so I'm going to leave it blank for now. It's like a credit card gift card. Yeah. I can use this anywhere. It's not quite an errand.

Awesome. And that is going to bring us to see, Bluetooth. You see Bluetooth is actually just serving as kind of the attendant. So he just stands by the tree guarding the remaining presence. And that is going to be Keychain's turn. Hmm. This toolbox seems like it would be perfect for a robot like me. He's going to take the toolbox.

Let me roll the D100 here. 43 for Keychain. This is the implement. table. Okay, so keychain opens this toolbox and pulls out a pole. Okay. It's just this like bone white pole with kind of like gold trim on it. The item functions as a pole. While holding it, you can take a magic action to cause it to transform into a fishing pole with a hook, a line, and a reel, or have the fishing pole revert to a pole. Jens looks at Keychain with pity.

Keychain presses the button and it goes, and extends into a pole. Oh, boy, I'm going to catch a big one. Yep. Really nice. His metal face is unreadable, but you can tell he is so pissed. I don't even eat fucking fish. What is this? You already drain lakes with your AI.

Okay, that was Keychain's turn. I really liked hearing keychain curse. I don't even eat fucking fish. Maybe if it was some fucking lithium, I'm about to be something nice. So Keychain storms off holding this fishing pole. Onyx, that's your turn.

Okay, I really want that fucking sword, but I am going to go for the envelope. Okay. Envelope? The envelope. Yeah. What are you doing? Onex, no.

Back reaches out for her. I'm hoping it's a card that sings a song to me every time I open it, and then I can do it so much at Jens that it distracts him and I can steal the sword from him.

Take it for me. I also basically got a card. I don't want this. Awesome. So go ahead and roll me a D100. Yeah, cards don't even have money in them anymore. Crypto's the only money that matters.

Like I said, I'm hoping it plays songs that distract you while I steal your fucking sword. 21. 21? You get a gift card for 10 Fortnite V-Bucks.

Okay. Wow. Awesome. Pull. That's so. sick. You can have it. I give it to it. What? You can have it. Really? I'm your mother.

That's happy Hagleteis, Mom. Yeah, happy Hockletes, mom. That's so sweet. Yeah. I'm going to get the principal skinner skin. That's awesome. That brings us back to the top. Jins, you have this flaming sword. At the start of the second round, you see Ariana now seated on a throne of black glass makes an

announcement. Okay, now that everyone has a gift, this round, your goal is either to defend that present, steal someone else's, or try to steal a second gift from the tree guarded by Bluetooth. You see Bluetooth kind of like strikes a battle pose. Ha-ha. Go ahead and try it, fuckers. As he does, his pants start to slip down and he quickly pulls him up. You need longer pants, but smaller pants, if that makes sense. He, like, uses his little tail to, like, wrap him around himself like a belt. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So that brings us back to the top of the order that is gins. You've got this flame tongue. You can either evade and force someone to roll with disadvantage or you can try to grab a second present. What presents are

left? The red seal. Yes. The only thing that's left currently is the one bound with white paper and stamp of the red seal. Looks like it came from a pharmacy or a lab. That could be designer drugs. Yeah, I want it all. I want it all. Okay. I guess I'll just try to steal it. Can I just do sleight of hand? Yes. So if you're doing sleight of hand, that's going to be a opposed check against Bluetooth, since it's still under the tree. So he's going to roll, I'll say, acrobatics to try and keep it away from you. You're basically paying a game of keep away. Does that make sense? Okay, great. I run at him and I say, we fight honorably. And then I try to kick dirt in his face, and I dive for the envelope. What the fuck, dude? Where's your hoaglet of a spirit? Shut up.

Bluetooth got an 18. I got a 26. Oh, okay. Oh, my owes. That's what you get for believing me, you idiot. It's getting in my contacts. I have contacts now. Yeah, I can tell. From all the gaming.

My eyes are ruined. Your eyes aren't purple. Awesome. So you steal this second gift from under the tree. Great. That is going to be a roll on the relic table. Come on, drugs. 69.

Wait, wait, wait, minute. You got loose. Loose. Sexy. You didn't get drugs, but you got something that you could do drugs off of. You got a spirit board. This ornate wooden board has the letters of the common alphabet printed on one side alongside the words yes and no. It is essentially a Ouija board.

Okay. We mentioned Ouija at the top of the episode. That's funny. It can cast the augury spell or the commune spell. It has three charges and regains one charge daily at dawn. Essentially, yeah, you can just like commune with the spirits of this thing. Got you. Whoa.

That's sick. Is that so cool? Yeah, that's really cool. I try to hide my sword from Onyx. Yeah, this is awesome. I'm just, like, hanging onto it so loosely. I'm hanging out to the board. Damn, this is my favorite thing that I've got.

I hope no one steals that. Whoops, I start falling towards Onyx holding the Ouija board. Oh, whoop. Damn. Gin sure has a lot of cool shit. I take off running. Nyack, that is your turn. You have this level three spell scroll.

You can either try to defend. or you can try and steal from someone else. I'm looking at the third level spells. I think I might want to have a tiny servant. My very own intern. So now that I have an employee that I need to look out for, I'm going to defend.

Got you. You're thinking about growth right now. You're in a growth phase. My first hire. That brings us to Bluetooth. I think Bluetooth, just to keep things interesting, is going to try and steal back a gift from Jens.

So he's going for the Flame Tongue. This is going to be another slight of hand. I will say that he won't go invisible to make it sporting. I mean, I can go invisible, too. That's just a seven for Bluetooth. 23. I hit him with the hilt of the sword in the eye. I will legitimately kill you if you try to take this from me.

The other guys, I like a little bit. You, I will kill you if you try to take this sword. It's a game. This is an awful, ma'am. No, this is not an office. This is a war's one. This sword is so good. I will let you on.

fire. I will light you on fire. Are you in context, too? Your eyes look so dead right now. No, this is just how they are. Don't fuck with me right now. This don't hit me. Don't fuck with me.

Don't fuck with me. You see a tiny quickling zips up. Is there a problem here? I butt him in that with the sword. Everyone stay the fuck away from me. Jen's also got really drunk at the party. Launch an investigation if you want. Jen's was firmly in the right.

You're just drunk on champagne. waving this flaming sword around. Stay back. Stay back. Okay, that's Bluetooth turn. Keychain is next. He's absolutely going to go after you as well. Okay, he's going to attack you with athletics,

so try and, like, grapple this away from you. But you can use acrobatics if you want to get out. Okay. Fuck me. That's just an eight. 26. I try to break Keychain's legs. I take a pool of water and I shove his electronic head into it.

You guys, the flame thing, is his, all right? Let's just drop it. That sword is cursed. It's clearly cursed. Look what it's done to him. He has always been like this. The sword didn't change him. Keechard tries to hook you with his fishing pole and misses.

That is keychain's turn, and that brings us to the bottom of the initiative with Onyx. Okay, I'm going to bonus action chain of conviction. I hurl a spectral barbed chain at gems. And he has to make us a saving throw.

A strength saving throw. A strength! Fuck off. God damn it. Yeah, get his ass. Absolutely crush him. What am I trying to beat? 16.

16. Okay. I need a straight up 16 or higher. I trust that. I'll get this. Shut up. Oh, come on. 15.

Okay, Zend, I am going to, with my action, instead of trying to steal it, I'm going to duplicate the sword. You create an exact replica of an object You can see within range That weighs no more than 25 pounds Holy shit How long is it last for?

It won't have magical properties But I'm just trying to I don't know if Jens knows that So I'm just trying to fuck with him Okay So I'll say that you Someone this duplicate And Jens I'll leave it up to you

You probably know there's something fishy going on here But Onix does have the same sort as you know I'm mad about that I'm not thrilled Okay, so Jyn's is sitting pretty. You've got the Flame Tongue and the Ouija board. Keychain has the fishing pole.

Nyak has the tiny servant spell scroll. And Onyx, you have the gift card, right? No, I gave that away. Actively do not want that. It looked like a gift card. We knew it was a gift card. I just thought maybe like, oh, it's like a, there's like a message, a Hagliday message.

Like the best things come in small packages, but it wasn't. I'm not what you're talking about. This is pretty sick. We can play together, I respect it. Keep your distance. As the second round comes to an in, you hear Ariana address you again. All right, time for the final round. One last chance to get the gift you want. But be careful what you wish for, because one of the gifts might not be what it seems. Everyone roll me a luck check. Oh, do I need to since I don't have a gift? No, you don't need to. 15 15 16 16 15 uh Bluetooth got a 14 keychain got a 13

wow fishing pole is bad you see keychain looks at his fishing pole just like so pissed off muttering under his breath and then all of a sudden a tentacle appears out of one side of it and teeth start lining the edge of the pole as this thing transforms into a mimic and attacks him. Whoa. Oh, what the fuck? Really? Kick on the robot dog, huh? Good luck with that, dude.

Bad dog. Esprits him. It's going to make a weapon attack against him. Fuck, that is a 22. Keychain is subject to the mimic's adhesive trait. You see this, like, tentacle and teeth clomp onto him and wrap him up, and he is out of the fight this round. Yes.

No, no. Does anyone want this fishing pole? It's secretly a mimic. That's cool. That's cool, right? Huh? You could sell it to a zoo. Okay, so that's keychain sorted.

He is out of the battle. Gens, that brings us to you one more time. I run over to... I can try to steal a spell scroll. No! Give it to me. Give it to me. You see, Ariana is sitting on her black throne,

and there's like fire in her eyes as well. Yes. That's a 24. a sleight of hand. Yes, too. That's 26. Jen slips, falls, scrambles back.

Stay back. Stay back. Brother, you're hissing at me. I would be great. I'd be a great, wonderful wizard. If you would just hand it to me. It's just a smooth scroll. Gens kicks you, and I just take off running with all that movement.

My shin. He's bounding on all fours. Anak, should we chase him? Nyak, that is your turn. You see, Jyn's tried to swipe your scroll, then it's just scrambling away, like a wild, injured animal. What do you want to do?

I'm going to see if I can take Keychains' fishing pole. I have a net, so it all kind of thematically works. You want to try and net the mimic? Yeah. All right. Wait, come on. Are you kidding me? You said you don't eat fish.

that's a 13 13 the mimics AC is 12 you bagged this mimic it starts like scrambling swishing around its long pseudopod tongue

but it is contained in this net and I'll say that you have to steal keychain's gift too my second employee and it's a lively one fuck you dude absolutely fuck you you didn't want it

I'm gonna shock you while you sleep So it's Bluetooth's turn. He sees Onyx over there with no gifts, feels a little bad, and says, Don't worry, Mom, I'll get you something. And he's going to try and steal the spell scroll from Nyack. Hey, just go back to the store if you didn't get her anything. The best gifts are the ones who steal. Everyone knows that.

It's true. That is just a 12. That's a 17 for me. Ah, okay. You managed to hold on to it. Just give it to me. Come on. It's the hoglet is.

I kick him directly in the nuts. What the hell? He looks to the HR quicklings and they just look away. They didn't see anything. Okay, that is Onyx. Jane of conviction, Jen's asked you as strength savings from.

Come on, you got this. Jen's is sprinting on all fours, knocking over catering, going through banquet tables. Tan M&M's flying everywhere. 13. Okay. So,

on a failed save, you take 3D6. Jesus. I just start getting electrocuted. 14 damage. And now I have advantage on attack rolls against you.

This happens every Hoglete season. You're going to knock me out. No, I'm just hoping to use it to get advantage John trying to steal. Okay, great. Okay, so Jen's on all fours.

Now is on the dance floor. There was like a fun dance circle with like a guy with a tie around his head, like just kind of having fun. I've knocked him over and in just grabbing at everything that I can. Every caterer that comes by, I grab food and I shove it into my mouth. I just grab someone's necklace and take it. And I'm going to roll my side of hand. The music is cut out.

The music cuts out. I try to protect my sword. Okay, that's a dirty 20. Okay. I had to get a 16 or higher. That's a three. That's a 60. No!

Yes! No! I try to break the Ouija board over Alex's head as she comes close. Oh my gosh. I am going to give him the bad duplicate, though. Oh, you do like a swap? Yeah, I guess I'm so feral that I don't even notice. You just want to be like me.

You just want to be like me. You see tan M&M confetti spills from the sky as the game is complete. Ariana stands up and applauds. Masterfully done, you've really captured the hoglety spirit, zooming around, stealing from people, being rude and cool. Oh, you take me back to my. childhood in the Fay Wild. Oh, what a beautiful sight. Well done, everybody. Well done. The game is over. These gifts are all final. I hope everyone is happy with what they've received.

Yeah, you could say I am. Nice replica. Onyx. Treat by fishing pole, mimic well, Nyack. I act really dejected. Jens, you tried to kill Keychain. Yeah. Well, he tried to steal my sword. Okay, so you're not remorseful. We're good. No. Yeah. It's so weird. It doesn't say, seemed cursed when onyx holds it just makes you look cool it gives her like kind of a nice lighting effect yeah that's because it's just a replica yeah well i have the real sword so why would mine jens has the real one my mistake of course so everybody cools off the quickling caterers bring out more food to replace the food that uh jins trampled its rampage and you guys all sit down for a hoglete dinner of uh chili dogs and eggnog wow you know now that

Everything's sorted and I have the real sword and honest has the fake one. I just think we should all apologize for how we acted in that game because it got ugly there. Yeah, let's all apologize to Jens. He's right. Let's all apologize.

Yeah, so, yeah, someone's start. Everyone kind of tried to take my sword first, which kind of just opened it up, right? Things got out of control. Things got out of control. It's just I've never seen Nyack fish once. I don't think he even likes fishing. Maybe I could learn to like fishing.

You didn't appreciate the poll while you had it, Keychain. You didn't know what you got till it's gone. Honestly, if just Keychain apologizes, I would actually feel okay. Keychain. I'm sorry, I wasn't able to steal Jen's gift. Okay, accepted. That really wasn't very contrite.

Very good, very nice. It's good to make up after a good game of Dirty Sonic. Ariana polishes off her eggnog, and then she stands and says, Now, unfortunately, I think it might be about time for you to go. You're welcome to rest here, but I believe the party is over, and you've got a mission to get back to. But before you go, Onyx, you've aided me more than you could know. Now with Bluetooth's help, I can start to rebuild my presence on this plane. However, until Strad is dead, the mists will stand against us.

I ask you now, go to Castle Ravenloft, find the remnants. hidden there and claim them in my name. Okay, I will. To help you complete this mission, I offer you one final boon. Okay. A VIP perk for your missed mobile wireless plan. Okay? I love Berg.

She should probably come out of this party with something. She smirks at Jen's remark and then raises her hand. And as she does, the Ariana doll that you've been holding, lifts into the air and floats towards her. Oh, my God, a flying doll. I was going to ask for that. How did you know? I have lots of algorithms dedicated to predicting what people will want.

It's big business. You're tracking by our behavior. That's really, really powerful stuff. That is so smart. That was the whole point of the mist before was to spy on people and predict their behavior. That's awesome. Bravo. So smart for a business person.

So she touches the Ariana doll and infuses it with fay magic. The cracks in its body seal and its eyes flicker with the same aberrant light as its maker. This is the Ariana Mini. As long as you have this in your possession, it can hold an extra warlock spell slot for you. This is huge for me. It's a huge day for you. It's the Hogla Days. That's the way to live.

That's the way to be, Onyx. The spell will emanate from the... doll so as long as you're within 60 feet you can trigger it remotely as well okay if I eat it will it just always be on me you you could just yes oh my god eat the doll I there you go yeah did you want like a hot dog bun for that no you're just chopping it down just dry no raw dog in that okay get get her some no get her some no eating a doll is okay yeah a lot of yeah a lot of hair yeah as soon as the yarn touched her talk she started coughing I don't think she yeah is it human hair by the way it looks so real yeah she's having a hard time getting the hair down

even okay yeah do you want a water like she's coughing up a hair ball she's taking the doll out. Yeah. She's zero percent of the way through it. If only I had a fishing pole, I could get it out. Fuck off, Keychain. Fuck right off with that. You fuck off, pig lips.

Go get your own damn fishing pole. Go to Dix. I'll go to Dix and I'll just find you there. Oh, nice. Hang on. I use the Ouija board. Should Onyx eat the doll? You're going to do augury?

Yeah. Okay. You use one charge to do augury. I believe this gives you a, okay, a wheel and woe or indifference reaction. Is it bad if Onyx eats the doll? You get wheel and woe, good and bad. Okay. All right, yeah, I guess you could use the doll for like a distance thing, but it might be good to have on you.

I don't know, yeah, eat the doll. Yeah, you eat the doll. I'll say that, yeah, your throat gets torn the fuck up. You take three points of damage. But as soon as it reaches your stomach, you feel this like upspring of extra power from your patron and you have an extra warlock slot that you can use. This is so good.

This is exactly what I wanted. And the best part is you've inspired me. A new line of edible dolls. It's what every kid wants for Christmas. Yes. Yeah. You can basically microchip it. your customers.

That is brilliant. You are very smart. You guys are all very smart. I'm so glad to have you as part of the Glomco family. Just put an Apple Watch inside all the edible products. It's brilliant. It's not evil. It's just brilliant.

It's just smart. It's just good business. It's a good business. She raises a cheer and you guys all toast and you see that in the corner, the quicklings have set up a bunch of bean bags for you guys to sleep on. Oh. I'm not sure those have enough lumbar support for me.

We're asleep on mean bags. This is incredible. Yes, if you want to take a short or long rest before you head out. That's great. Yeah. Yeah, that would be wonderful. I would love that.

As soon as I go to go to bed, I try to take a bag of holding and shove a standing desk into one. You are having like a reverse Santa moment for yourself. Dude, are you grinching my desk? Yes. That's my desk. That's your desk.

You don't get a desk, okay? You're an intern. I'm fine. I don't have a dust. Oh, actually, while Jenz does this, I'm going to read the dream journal. Ooh. Oh, great idea. Cool.

Yeah, as Jen's is trying to show. I'm going to cuddle up into a beanbag chair and try to read this dream journal. Awesome. So you do that. You open it to the dream from Irwin, the Were Raven, the son of Davian, the owner of the winery who you've been speaking with. And this is the dream you see. It is portrayed as a stage play.

interior winery cellar a slightly younger irwin speaks to his father davian who wears bright silks and a brighter smile father i have something to confess to you what is it my son you can tell me anything you remember when i made crocane and you got mad at me and forbid me to use my secret lab anymore i do but that is wine down the gullet my son forgotten and forgiven. Erwin looks anxious, but then proceeds. Well, I've been tinkering with something new, and I think it could really help the winery. Please, follow me. Erwin leads Davian to a series of barrels in the cellar. He twists the faucet on one, and the entire wall swings inward, revealing a secret distillery. Erwin rushes over to a table and picks up a bottle of brown liquid. I call it Croca Cola. It's a diluted liquid version of crocane,

and it can give the drinker a massive boost of energy. What do you think? Davian studies the bottle, squints, then takes a big sip and smiles. It's delicious. This product will save the winery. I'm so proud of you, son. You should have never moved away. Let me give you a real hug.

The two were ravens embrace. the dream zooms in on the bottle of Coca-Cola, which features a younger, hipper version of the Wizard of Wines riding a skateboard. The wizard winks, the dream blacks out, and you're back in reality.

Okay, Anix fell asleep, readings us, and she wakes up from a long rest and goes, We have to drink Coca-Cola. What? I know where to find us a really good non-alcoholic boost.

Okay. Follow me. I don't follow. I've been up trying to steal stuff from the office all night and just now start my sleep. I need 12 hours. Everyone wait. Chins has been just grinching around,

slithering around to every desk chair, trying to shove it in. You're a mean one, Mr. Jens. Wow, it's the freaking jinch over here. I sleep for 12 hours and I make everyone wait. Sunsetsetting. Time to go. So you all get a good night's sleep. You see that it's all.

always dark here, but Ariana sets an alarm to let you know when you'll need to get back on the road. You guys head over to the spiral staircase. You bid farewell to Ariana and Bluetooth, and then you ascend back to the megalith. As you climb out, you see, Esmeralda has gotten the creeping hut moving. It skitters forward and raises a huge wooden tentacle at you. Whoa. You see, Ez pops out of a window and says, this thing rules. I added walkie-talkies to the hut in the wagon. Now we can talk. If it's cool with you guys, I might pilot

this thing and then Keychain can drive the wagon. Is that cool? All right. That sounds cool. Awesome. Yeah, I can like back you up. See you, keychain. Like a battle tank. Okay, that'd be great. I'll look for fishing spots. Keychain, drop it. You still have a mimic clinging to you. It's in love

with me. So you guys load up into the wagon. Keychain reluctantly driving as this mimic gives him hickeys on his robot neck. Should we ring the We killed the witches. Oh, yeah. All right, I ring the bell.

Okay, you ring the bell. Ding ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You hear a crow singing in unison with Eiffle 65. This is a different crow wearing a different tiny hat. Jen's looks disappointed. Hey, I'm Fungo. I'm Bongo's brother. Hi, Fungo.

What happens to Bongo? You're different, which means you're bad. which means you're worse. Is Bungo alive? Yeah, he's fine. He's just, he's taking a break. We get breaks. We get breaks.

We get like an hour break. He's taking his lunch. Oh, okay. So you're like the backup? I'm not the back. We're equally doing this together. We take shifts. Why don't we wait an hour and ring it again?

Is it about the hat? Yeah. I mean, is the hour just starting or does he have 10 minutes left on the break? Like, the timing of this is bizarre. We just want to know how long we had to wait before Bungo. Like, we rang this bell and he's just on his hour break. I'm just wondering where. I just feel like doctors shouldn't make appointments for Wednesday, half lunch.

Yeah. Okay? Because it doesn't feel good to show up at 1230 and say, okay, so doctor's on lunch until 1. This feels like a power move. Take a hike. Is it about the baby Yoda hat? The baby Yoda hats a lot. It's not helping.

Baby Yoda is over and you need to stop making it happen again. His name is Gringu or something. I don't remember what it is, but he has a name. Okay. We don't have to remember because it's over. It's past. We don't have to remember. It's over.

No one cares about that. It's gone. We cared a lot for a short amount of time. It was glorious. We really cared. It was amazing. Babyiotas got us through pandemic, I think. I think that's what year that was.

I don't know. Maybe it was before. Yeah. Maybe it was after. No, you just abandoned. All I know is, all I know is no one cares anymore. You don't need Neosporin after the wound is healed.

We don't need him anymore. We don't need him anymore. We don't need him. And we thank you. Yeah. For his service. Absolutely. Okay.

Let us know. Hey, Funggo. Yeah. Let us know when Bunggo's back, okay? We've been talking for five minutes. Is the break almost over? Because he only gets an hour. Yeah, is the break?

Are we towards the end? Were we 55 minutes in the break? We don't know at what point we called him during the break. It could have been the end of the break. Apparently, Charm doesn't run in the family. Just to the two of you, okay, now I'm kind of mad at Bungo. So when Bongo shows up, I might ask for Fungo. Ultimately, this situation rolls up to Bungo.

It doesn't make us like Fungo anymore, but it is Bungo's responsibility. Fungo, take a fucking hike. We'll ring the bell in 45 minutes. I'm going to tell my sister, Gungo, all about this. If Gungo shows up, I'm going to freak out. We honestly didn't even, we didn't need to know about her. I don't need to know that she exists. I don't need to know about your family life.

This is a business interaction. All right. They tell me the name of all your cousins, not. Yeah. How about you don't do that? I don't care. All right. Happy Hoggle days of you, too.

Yeah. Fuck off. All our best. Bye. Drink rocks. Bye. I wait for 45 minutes. And then I ring the bell.

You said, fuck. You see Bungo flapping down. Oh, now he's got time. He's got a sick-ass bucket hat on tie-dye. That's cool. That's actually really good. I was planning on being mad at you, but oh, my gosh. What's up, guys?

Sorry about that. Sorry about that issue with Fungo. He's kind of the backup. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. Was he de Bowermuth? Absolutely. He waits till I'm on break, and then he takes my jobs.

He's trying to social climb. Okay. Yeah, he's a real piece of shit. I mean, I respect that. But yeah. He's my brother. How dare you? He's socially slipping is what he is.

I mean, I love him, but yeah, you're right. Yeah, okay. Right. Bungo, listen. Yes. We killed the witches. Oh, awesome. Way to go.

Yeah, thanks. That's huge. You want me to report back? Yeah, please report back. All right. Do you want everyone to start attacking right away, or do you want to wait until you get there? What's the plan? Wait until we get there, but just let them know that we're coming.

Okay. What's the signal? The signal will be we are attacking. The signal is baby Yoda is over. Oh, yeah. I'm not going to like that. If we yell baby Yoda is over as we go into battle, does that make baby Yoda start to happen again? I feel like, yeah.

I think in the next, like, if there's another Deadpool movie, he'll really like baby Yoda, I think that's like where we're at on baby Yoda. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So maybe he's that whole thing that you just said. Yeah. I think in the next Deadpool movie, he's going to be into Baby Yoda.

That's where we're at with Baby Yoda. Are you writing this down? That's the sign. No, I got it. I think I got it. Snark is dead. Crows have really good memory. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Yeah, there you go. Okay. He flaps off. You have the signal. The Where Ravens are going to prepare themselves. They're going to like march up to the base of the tree. Wait, what did I say again? If there is another Deadpool movie or the next, was I sure there was a Deadpool movie coming up or not?

Okay. If I'm being honest, you were inconsistent and said something different most times. Okay. All right. Yeah. All right. It was Deadpool. ish, and baby Yoda-ish.

Baby Yoda-ish. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you see Bungo flaps off into the mists to report this message. Whatever it is. And you alongside Esmeralda and the creeping hut make your way back towards the village of First Breath. So as you approach this village, you see that these structures, these domiciles are still abandoned, except for, of course, Doltz's. You see the lights.

Ceyron and his cozy little white-painted cottage. And you actually see now, Doltra von Holtz, is standing on the porch with a glass of wine. He waves at you as you drive past and points to his glass and beckons you to join him inside. All right, we have to kill this guy, right? He's a tree. Right. Okay.

Yeah. He could be controlling the trees remotely. No, he is a tree. He is a tree. Yeah, but don't they have... I'm sorry, I'm fucking off today. I'm sorry, you're just... Honestly, I kind of like you, Grumpy.

Yeah? Yeah, stay mad. Stay mad. Stay mad. I'm not fishing for compliments anymore. How about that? You've never given a shit about fishing, okay? See, you asked for my approval at the end, and that turned me off.

Okay. What did that crow say? Drink rocks, yeah. Drink rocks, you old. But see, now you didn't come up without yourself. Fuck. We'll just, everyone on high alert, at some point, we'll have to stab this guy in the neck. I lean out the window and I say, hey, there's a lot of branching paths we could be taking tonight, but I'll leave it to you.

Too true. I'd love to see if he reacts to being insinuated that it's a tree. I don't know which tree you're barking up, but hey, the fruit is fresh. All right. Get out. He points to the wine as he says that. Right on. All right.

Yeah, we're coming in. Cool. Okay, yeah, we're coming in. You guys go in. As you do, Asmeralda says, I'm going to wait out here with the vehicles, if that's okay. I've got to feed the spectral horses. I've got to kill the oats so that they can eat spectral oats. It's a whole, it's a whole spectacle.

You do you. Okay. Ready to blow this place up. Okay. What's the signal again? It's something about Deadpool? It's, um, if there is another Deadpool movie, I could see him being really into baby Yoda. That's where we're at with baby Yoda.

Okay. Yeah, I think it's different, I guess. But the buzzwords, like if you hear Baby Yoda and Deadpool and maybe the word if, then, because we need free license to talk about Baby Yoda and Deadpool and not have you barge in, too. Okay, yeah. So it's the word if. Yeah. If we say if. Right.

Which is another Ryan Reynolds vehicle, which is kind of good. If I say, if we say something if and it has to do with Ryan Reynolds, you're good to go. Gotcha. Okay, dialed in. So you leave Esmerald outside and you follow. Van Holtz into the cottage. As you enter, you step into a living L.L. Bean catalog. A fire roars in a stone fireplace, above which you see a mantle lined with scented

candles and carvings of birds. There are flannel sheets and throw pillows everywhere. Dulture leads you in and starts pouring wine from a decanter, the fire casting a warm glow on a smiling face. so nice of you to join me. I've got something really important I need to tell you. But first, now that we're all inside, now that we're warm on this nice hoglete evening, let me slip into something a little more comfortable. If it's a robe, can I have one too? Me too. Dalter points to robes laid out, flannel robes laid out on the couch and says, by all means, be my guest. Wow, I was expecting

it to be a different kind of robe, like the one you put at the bottom of a tree. Is that what they're called ropes. A skirt. Skirt. You gave a skirt. Fuck. I thought you were going to wear a tree skirt. I don't know if you want to see me at a skirt. I've got very hairy legs, but I will take off a few garments. I'm a little

warm if that's okay. Sure. Okay. Yeah. Don't free to this is a super weird. It's a business meeting. Dolter takes off his tailcoat, takes a sip of wine, winks at you, and then starts

grabbing his scalp and tugging ferociously. Is it looking barky? He's becoming a tree. He's becoming a tree. You hear a sickening out of nowhere, and you see that he is suddenly holding a strange top hat covered in slime.

He's a true. That's sap. It's fucking sap. As he removes it, his blonde hair and silk cravat fade to ash. His skin grows pale and his teeth elongate. He's an ash tree. A cape blossom.

around his neck and unfurls to his feet. Okay. Free of his disguise, Count Strad von Zarvich. What? No. This is so much worse than a tree. Strad is a tree? The strad is a tree?

I did not see this coming. He bows deeply, then rises and says apologies for the triatrics. But I had to be sure that you would come. You see, I have something important to give

you. From his cloak, Straud produces an ornately pinned letter sealed in wax. From a quick glance, it appears to be an invitation to dine with him at Castle Ravenloft. As you read the letter, Straud picks up a glass of wine and swirls it absent-mindedly. I must applaud you on successfully hiding Tatiana away. When her presence vanished, earlier to meet I was furious. But after taking some time to reflect. I've come to a realization. A realization I would like to share with you over dinner. Please join me

at your earliest convenience. That is, if you survive. What's the dress code? Do I have to wear a jacket? Outside, you hear the thundering of hooves, followed by a loud crack as Straud's horsebone helicopter

hovers next to the cottage. The front door flies open, and you see the craft is being piloted by a woman with wild eyes and a red scarf covering her mouth. She pulls a lever and the bay door slides open, revealing three hungry vampire spawn. Two wear ragged scholars' robes and a third sports a golden eye patch with a gemstone at its center. In a flash, Strought whips past you and appears at the chopper. He lays a hand on the third vampire and gestures back at you. They are not to reach the Gothaius tree.

Do not fail me again, Doro. With pleasure, master. Doro grins. His sharp canine still read from a recent kill and prepares to attack. And that's where we'll end our session. What's the dress code I said? We need to know the dress code.

If you survive, I'll tell you. Woo! All right, happy hoggadays, everybody. Happy holidays. I hope you enjoyed your little gift romp. Oh, yeah, super funny. Sorry to drag you back into reality. I'm very excited to talk about it.

Talk about the treasure tables and see maybe what else we could have pulled from that on the short rest. You can listen to that short rest by going to patreon.com slash an ad pod N-A-D-P-O-D. We are. We sing yet.

Don't sing yet. If you're singing, it better be a goddamn Hoglete, Carol, friends. Speaking of the Hogla days, we got a couple weeks off in the main feed. We're going to be taking out

for Christmas and New Year's Day, but we've got stuff in the Patreon. So, yeah. That's right. Two fun episodes over on the Patreon. If you want to check that out. We also have our Radio City show coming up in April.

There's a few tickets left. Nadpod.com slash live, Zach Oyam. will be joining us. It is going to be a show about the Bon Frayers being kidnapped and the bend of boobs

and Mavers having to save them. Cannot wait. It's going to make a great stocking stuffer, those tickets. And if you need something for under the tree, folks, might I recommend going to shop.

Dot nadpod.com. We still got some DM screens in stock, as well as a bunch of other fun stuff. Get it for the NAD poll in your life or confuse someone that's never listened to the show.

That's right. And those DM screens are selling very fast. So get them. ASAP, by the way. Oh, okay. Right on. And you could follow us on social media that may or may not use at CS first me at Colise Caldwell, at AXR's Emily, and at Jake

which is Jake. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag Nadpod. That's NADD-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, we are, the youth of the nation. We are, we are, we are, the youth of the nation. You know, I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be the

I'm going to You know, I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be able to I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be.

You know, I'm going to be able to be. I'm going to be. Folks, it's the end of the show, which is the end of the show, which means it's time to show, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent council of elders. Let's get right to it. Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Later, McSater. Matt M. Cutter W.

Jeff C. Daniel G. Daniel the Dastorly Dame. Carpe Liam. Victor T. A.k.a. Balnor's boy. Hoy's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster. T.J. M. Tray the Cray. Drohy. Now you have to say it. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald Tar got

Stevie Waggs Hellish rebuquer the NBDMPHD Jack L Nicholas C star of every film ever made in Bohemia Mike H Alka Smelzer Plus Great Value Jima

Megan S Tyler F Bold Burn Hercule Powell Zilabathfunk Detective Timmy R Jake's jerk jelly hashtag CCCC

Cass, skateboard, Cass Stephen C's spellbook sits before you To turn to page 17, turn to page 41 To turn to page 33, ho, ho, turn to page 109 Nick W, Nico the underpaid

English teacher William W, Big Bad, Beardo the Mad, Anonarama Percival, Frederikstein von Musil Klausowski de Rolo the 3rd Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the cock. Impressive dongle. Ben A. Dave H.

Not that, Nick. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce. Big Bad John. D.P.C. is awesome. Shone, the Shade Tree Mechanic of Zubble Dar. Summer Rose, aka. Grand Terre. Mark, the Dark Lord's Taint.

Cat C. Misa of House in Zunza. Ariel, the occasional mermaid. Selina N. A.k.a. Valaciaraptor. B. Be perky always. B. Be perky always. Pat L. Lauren H. Sir, 16. Annie, the Faywild therapist. Parogi Frenzy. Bioquert 7. Bean rat was innocent. Jack Hubert, King of the Mole people under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament. Valen. Paj, the bitch and bunny, bard. Druidic Payton. C. Omri M. Noah, the gentleman fister. Hashtag honor the cock, James G. Everything Bego,

the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger stripy. Reverend Shatterbones. Ha-cha-cha-cha. Hawn. Eric B. Markos, Ph.D. Eventually. Learns the balanced druid. Frida M. Maggie. Holly, the green. Ha-ha-ha. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. Laughing. hyena. Grimwaller, executive chef of Bohumia. Bud heavy. Russell H. Cody C. Lorelei the succubai and Kira the succulent snack. Cow go trucking, delivering bashful butts everywhere. Your friendly neighborhood yaunt and uncle, Andrew and Sid. Don't skip over Thanksgiving. John Adams loves it. James F. Wayfarer now asked to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them?

turn to page 42. To keep them, turn to page 69. Oreo, Barpo Goodbarrel, Bard Barian, Charlie Brown's best friend, Renee, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard and Jared the soap opera cleric, who are playing the wedding march for Onyx. Blue Ash, Fico, Garrett the artificer, Jay. Kaygard, fancy mat. The sugar bum fairies are out caroling. Happy Hogla Days, everybody. Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie wearing Barbarian. Lexi H. M.J. the BF.G.

Roger L. Nodrog the Pass-A-Fist, Barbarian. Brian L. and Eric B. Insert training montage for 50K. Ooh, can't wait to see you run that in 400 episodes. Janukha. Leon Kumori. Legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign. Shenanagan's O'Connor. Mios. Great. Joshua S. Alexander. Linz W. Sky the Wise, aka the lone dungeon master.

The spudfucker himself, Johnny Dudeke. The mischief of Nadpods familiars. Pavu Escanor, the Goliath Paladin providing service with a smile. Jake Well, Murphily. Tim M. Dragon Night 86. Strangle, the main event. T.R. Chito. Shell B. Kinna's first favorite sprite girl. Happy hoglet wait. Is that strawed in a Santa suit or hell? Maybe even the Grinch himself. We'll never know. Jet S. Snailess, the Eldrich snail. Boggies, Buds, best botanicals in Bohumia and beyond. Sign me up.

Stormy 52. Me Ma Ma's Sky Days. Megan Inn. Anthony B. Balnor's best friend Steve. Stephanie of House and Zunza. Benjamin A. Kimley the Corgi, Pop-on Foster's K-9 friend. McKell A. Triple S-tier, Crickwater, Enjoyer. Josh Hole, pilot of the Nightmareverse Flight. The two crew blew through. Ethan, the overworked mailman. Maple, the shy bookworm. Nick A.J. Ashesaurus. Seth the Stroker, bearer of all hog-related burdens. Torry the tungsten Dragoose, Emily and Murph's Grinch blow-up doll dealer, Michael L.S. the second. Carl B. Plummer of the Realm. Ace Dregs. High Lord of Critsburg. Venn diagram. D.M. Charby. Cadmillius, the Consume. Cam, the Froglade's man. Dean. Jake W. Hi, Mom. Tyler O. The Mile High Bastard. Tuesday Cross. Only here for the Surf and Mer.

We love you, Rat Jesus. Nadpot fan and Bar Mitzford Man, it's Dave. Oh, smorse. Tyler M. G.A. Dog. Zibby-Backery. Happy birthday, Morgan S. Kaylee. Katarina C. Misty, the Krispy Kitty, really hates flame skulls.

Carly C. From a little place a called manjas. Kjo. Greg W. There's so many of us now. But hey, you're doing great, and we love you. Baruch Thunder Helm, 5th Generation Minotaur, working as an abandoned Labyrinth Tor Guide. Chupacabri, Boney is dead.

The Waterworth, your four-legged Greg companion. Nick, Amy, the Raging Ranger Echo Ashmore, Igis Kunari, Ignition Class Pedal Store. Not a DJ, but we'll still take the gig. DJ Dramamine. Chef Julie B, support for you. food pantries, Mama Mayhem, Grizzby's number one fan, thank you, Gin's Rules Kinda, Thomas C, Little Dark Lotus Creations, Kendra Miller, Joshua H, Jacob M, Lou H, A.J. Dinko, and Ben V. Woo! That is all of our elders, folks. Thank you so, so much for your continued support.

We really appreciate it, especially at this time of the year during the Hogla days. You fill our hearts with chili dogs and spirit, and we thank you for that. If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash nadpod. That is going to do it for us this week, but we will be back on Patreon next week with a special episode for our subscribers. Go ahead and check that out. But until then, happy Hogletays. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you later.

Bye-bye. That was a hate gum podcast.