Not Another D&D Podcast - Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 19: Spawn of War

Episode Date: January 16, 2026

As the Yester Hill ritual nears its end, the Triplets find themselves sidetracked by a familiar foe! Nyack goes fishing, Onyx seals it with a kiss, and Jens finds an eye-catching accessory as the Trinyvale X Strahd crossover continues!SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE LIVE SHOW TICKETS ARE ON SALE NOW! BUY THEM HERE!CREDITSEditing by Brian MurphyProduction and Sound Design by Daniel Ramos (@Schubirds on IG)Logo Design by Chelsea LeCompteMUSIC INCLUDES:"Trinyvale Opening Theme" by Emily Axford"The Gate" by Emily Axford"Where is the Manager?" by Emily Axford"Lights Out" by Emily Axford“A Memorable Feast” by Emily Axford“TechGnomek” by Emily Axford“Barovian Tango by Emily Axford"The Tarroka Suite" by Emily Axford"Trinyvale Closing Theme" by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to Trinneville. Trinneville. And also Barovia. Barovia. Oh, wow. Great work, y'all. Bless your little hearts.

Probably getting the hang of it. That was nice. We did it. Yay. A good first step towards something I'm proud of. And I am also, in addition to being proud of my little players, your Dracula uncle, aka Drunkle, Caldwell Tanner,

and I'm joined, as always, by my perky players, Brian Murphy. Fighting, Doroo, besmirching, grogoo, Jen Grendel. That's Baby Yoda's name. He learned Baby Yoda's name for that rhyme. I learned it over the Hoglete. The dedication.

That's crazy. I was with you the entire time. You never mentioned that. Yeah, I was just looking up ways to do a Baby Yoda rhyme, and it came to be eventually. It took him two weeks, but he got there. That's why he stayed in on New Year's. It was honestly probably just editing last episode

hearing Caldwell say it that brought it back. And of course, the Dinh Jarin to Murph's Groku, Emily Axford. Oh my God, it's strad. Some of us tried harder than others. Emily pushed back the recording a week. She said, I need more time, and I didn't press her on it, And she fucking landed it.

And it was worth the weight. It was worth every single second. And here's a guy who's always worth every single second. It's Jake Hurwitz. Asshole with a fishing pole. Nyack of the Randolphore. I didn't clarify last time, but I do think that this fishing pole just is infested with a mimic. There's just like a mimic up in there if you want it.

You can take it out if you want. It can be a normal fishing pole. It's on my side now, right? Oh, yeah. It can be your buddy. Myx has a sick sword. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, dude.

Yes, I have a recap about all of the new sick stuff you got. Would you like to hear it? Yes, please. With Baba Lassaga and her coven defeated, you three ventured inside the megalith to meet Onyx's patron, Ariana Darkov, aka the queen of air and darkness. Once inside, the archfay filled you in on her history in the land of Borovia. You learn that her company's magical products are powered by crystalline remnants of an ancient dark god,

and that those same remnants are what gives. Straud the powers of vampirism. The remaining remnants are now resting within the amber vault in the base of Castle Ravenloft. After agreeing to help her retrieve these relics, you all joined her for an office Hogliday party. Soon after, you were joined by Bluetooth the imp, and then Ariana offered you all boons in the form of a gift-swapping game called Dirty Sonic. Nyack got a tiny servant spell scroll and stole a mimic-infested fishing pole from a very grumpy keychain. I don't even want it. And Onyx got a weapon known as Flame Tongue,

which she stole from an incredibly feral Jens who got a spirit board. Onyx doesn't feel bad at all about stealing it. Emily feels really bad. She feels really guilty. Do you want it back right now, Murph? Jen's is positive. He still has the Flameson.

As he charges into battle bravely, using his bonus action to light it. As the game came to an inn, you three shared a feast with Ariana who presented Onyx with one, final boon, a warlock spell slot stored inside her Ariana doll. Naturally, Onyx ate the doll and gained both an extra spell slot and an upset stomach. That night, as you drifted to sleep, you looked over the dream journal Bluetooth had hidden

under Irwin Martikov's pillow and learned about a beverage known as Croca Cola hidden somewhere in the Wizard of Wine cellar. You pledged to investigate this after your imminent battle against the Gothias tree and then headed back up to Fogg's End. Once there, you found that Esmerald had managed to gain. control of Lasaga's creeping hut and let you her magic wagon to ride in. You rang the bell Davian gave you and sent a messenger crow back to the winery to tell the Ravens to mobilize and wait for your signal to attack.

And that baby Yoda is over. The signal, of course, being the phrase, I think in the next Deadpool movie, he's going to be into Baby Yoda. That's where we're at with Baby Yoda. I had to listen to the cut so many times to get that clean. You then made your way out of Fog's Inn and towards the Glethystree, but were halted by the real estate tycoon, Doltzer von Holtz, waving at you from the porch of his nearby cottage, fearing he might be in league with the trees. You followed him inside while Esmeralda stayed

outside to feed her horses. In the house, Doltr claimed he needed to change into something more comfortable, then pulled off his own scalp, revealing that he was actually Straud von Zarevich in disguise. He was a tree. Oh, my God, it's a straw. What kind of weird tree are you? Strad congratulated you on successfully hiding Marina away in your hallowed fortress and said he had come to a new realization. A realization he wished to share with you over dinner. The vampire handed you an invitation and then boarded his horsebone heliclopper. As he did, you saw three vampire spawn disembarked from the craft, one of which was your old friend Doru.

As Strad's chopper prepared to depart, the one-eyed vampire grinned, buried his claws, and prepared to attend. attack. And that is where we are now. You see Straud's horsebone heliclopper lift into the air, its flaming blades, cutting the mist into ribbons. As it hovers, Straud leans out of the bay door and bids you farewell. And despite the whirring of the chopper, you hear his voice perfectly clear. My friends, it has been a pleasure as always. I wish I could stay to watch this mayhem unfold, but I must begin preparations for our dinner. I will expect you in the dining hall of Castle Ravenloft in two days' time.

We're all vegan, so prepare accordingly. Yeah, please, vegan. All dietary restrictions shall be noted, of course. All right, good, because we have a lot. We're going to come up with more stuff in two days. You are my guest. Whatever you can throw at me. We're also doing a dry January.

Tree nuts, dry January. Dry January, gluten-free, tree nuts. Highly thought. You're all so much. But my castor is large. You can feel your massive ego. But tree nuts, I mean, it's the only thing I can eat. And it's the only thing I can't eat.

I'm not in energy. I'm allergic to... And we're doing a whole 30. So figure that out. Okay? We're doing a whole 30. Figure it out. Primal. Figure it out. I can't even be in the same room as nuts and that's all she's eating.

There is space on the invitation to note all of your restrictions. Please place them there. It's so kind. I look at the back of the card. Wow, this is really heavy card stock. Nothing but the best for my guests. I will send my heliclopper to retrieve you. Dress code is, of course, midwinter white-tie cocktail semi-formal.

Okay, I ask that up. How will we know it's your eleclapper and not someone else's? You will know it by a name. When you speak the name, Bosephilus, it shall winnie and not. Testing it out. Bocephyrus. Bocephyrus. The heliclopper dives towards your face.

It scrapes you, singeing your mustache hair, Nike, which you've been trying to grow in for months. I've been working on that. Removing it in one fell swoop. Back to square one. The heliclopper zooms back up into the air. You see Strah leans out once more and says, I await the evening with utmost eagerness.

until then I bid you farewell Straud bows then gestures to the wild-eyed pilot wearing a red scarf she throws a lever then the chopper whinnies loudly bucks upward and disappears

in a burst of flames I'm gonna get that scarf What if it binds you to strad Jen shrugs Is this like the jacket That you stole from Reagan Do you even ever wear that? That's my jacket

Keechang, you have an attitude problem, dude. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just fishing for emotions right now. Okay, that's hilarious. Kiching, if I ever saw you near a lake once, I would give it to you. I go to lakes all the time. We have a hallowed fortress at Luna Lake. Maybe I want to fish there.

You drowns them for your AI. Keychain should do stand up. That's a fishing in its own. You don't need a ball. You drowns a lake. Maybe fish oil could be the mirror. cure that we'd power AI forever and we just haven't figured it out yet. I don't know. Well, only one way to find out. Ask AI. That's how you find out.

Let's start, yeah, not just using the water. Let's also kill the fish. You're right. Everyone is asking AI questions, but does AI ever ask itself questions about how it's feeling? I've got a lot to think about. Whoa, he might break everything. Holy shit. You see steam pouring out of Keychain's ears as he contemplates this. He's at that awesome point in stand-up where he considers himself a philosopher warrior. That's when stand-ups really rock. When art becomes meta.

So as the smoke clears from this heliclopper transporting into the ethereal plane, you look down and you see Doru and his two vampire spawn companions rushing towards you, everybody, roll initiative. Doru, we're friends. I have only one friend. His name is strong.

Nine. 19. Eight. Nike, don't forget, we have a prepped. However you say that. The periap. Periap. Periap.

I don't know that I'm correct. I'm just giving another option. We have it. We have a necklace. I throw it at Nyack. Ow! My eye. We have four.

We have four. Yes, you have four of these bulbs, which can be used as a periapt. That is like a sort of like necklace amulets. If a vampire spawn is wearing it, it will negate the commands of their maker. but you do have to get them to wear it. Gotcha.

It could be a little tricky. Okay. All right. So in a flash, the vampire spawn rush across the rocky ground and towards the cottage. Their long white teeth gleam like beacons against the darkening mist.

Two of them wear the tattered robes of scholars and the third, Doru wears a blood-stained white shirt and a gold eye patch with a red inlaid gemstone. I want that eye patch. Jen, you don't have the physical real estate. It's going to look so good with the scarf.

It's going to look good with the scarf. Yeah, what about the jacket? Flame tongue, flame on. I pull out my sword. So as the spawn approach, let me give you a quick lay of the land here. You're standing on the porch of this luxurious cottage.

The interior is about 50 by 50 foot square. It contains a bathroom, kitchenette, lofted bedroom and writing nook. Tasteful. There is a, it's very tasty. Is there a powder room? Or is it an en suite? What's the bathroom situation?

It's on suite. Yeah, it's in the bathroom. There's a vanity mirror in there. It's very nice. Oh, wow. He's making use of the space in a lot of really good ways. Functional. Outside, there's a 30-foot rock clearing,

beyond which is a winding trail that descends about 20 feet into the gulch, which runs from fogs end all the way to Yester Hill. That is the trail that you took to get up to this cottage. Trailfront, really nice. So as the battle begins out in the clearing, you see Esmeralda pop out of the window of the creeping hut. She looks at the blood-red sun hanging low in the sky, and then shouts to all of you.

We're running out of time. You guys focus on these vampires. I'm going to take the creeping hut and go attack the tree. You guys join up once you're done here, okay? Oh, shit. It's all in the same initiative. Jen suddenly gets super nervous.

Yeah, we're going to do like a two-part battle thing. Oh, fuck. Yeah, okay. It's a lot. Okay, I'm burned out. You see her charge a bolt of magical energy and fire it directly at keychain. His eyes filled with strange glist.

and his torso flips around to reveal a screen, which shows a staticky feed of the creeping hut. I'm installing a modified clairvoyant spell on keychain. That way, you're going to be able to keep tabs on what's happening at Yester Hill. Good luck. Try not to die. Okay. Same to you.

Esmeral, the ducks into the creeping hut, takes a dash action towards the Gothias tree. I'm going to explain more about how that battle will work when she arrives there. But for now, let's focus on the threat right in front of us because Dauru is first to act. Doro, how could you? Dude.

You, you took so much from me. My eye, my beautiful eye. Oh, but we gave you something so much better. Look at what you're wearing now. What is this bloodied shirt? No, this gorgeous patch. You have a gem in your eyepatch. You're accessoryizing.

Strott gave me that eyepatch. Strud's given me everything I have. And he told me that if I create three more vampire spans and then get those spons to create three more, then I will get promoted to fledgling Ackolite 7. Oh, it's a pyramid scheme. And that's one level away from golden subsidiary tier. Can I give you a suggestion?

One thing that's really fun is stealing from your boss. Yeah. And Nyack did this where he sold knives for a while, and you never make enough money. Yeah. You just don't want to be the last person holding the bag is the problem. Yeah, he's, Nyack still has so many knives. Stroud has a bone cathedral in his basement

full of people who have stolen from them. The warning is very clear not to do that. Okay. Okay. Okay. But I did steal a couple of staples. Yeah, I saw you did, okay? I see that.

It's in you. Stapler is like the vampire of the office supplies. It inspires me. Look, we have a necklace that's going to go real nice with that eye patch. But first, I think we have to beat the shit out of you a little bit. Fair enough. He's still feeling a little raw about losing his eye, so he is going to attack Onyx. Okay.

She poured it directly in his eyes. Oh, yeah. For those of mine, I remember, The last time you saw Doro, Onyx did pour Holy Water directly into his eye, which is why he's wearing an eye patch now. But he looks so much better. He looks so good. You are fashion now.

You weren't before. I made you fashion. It emphasizes your cheekbones. First hit is 14 that misses. Yeah. Okay. Fuck me. Second hits in that one.

So you're too fashion. You don't want to be a fighter. The eye patch is rather heavy. Yeah. You're supposed to wear it over the missing eye as well. So he comes up to you, tries to swipe at you, but ends up giving you like two European kisses on the cheeks. I receive it.

You're so fashion. You look so good. You have grown up. I think I'm just mad because in another life we could have been friends. Or more. What? What? Or more.

What? You guys hearing this? I mean, shit, maybe. Jens puts on headphones. I thought Onix had a boyfriend. I don't know what's happening. So that's Doro's awesome turn. Doro rock.

And that is going to bring us next in the order to Nyak. You've got Doryu is like has run up. It is into the mix on this porch. The other two vampire spawner out in the clearing still, but they are headed towards you. Okay. I'm going to let onyx and Dauru figure their shit out. I'll run up and crouch down on the porch and take aim at one of the vampire spawn that's approaching.

Awesome. Okay. Hey, guys, what's your deal? I'm going to do Zephyr Strike. That is a 26 to hit on the first guy. Hits. Okay. I'm also going to use my dread ambusher and take one more attack.

That is a 29 to hit. Both of those certainly hit. Then I'm also going to cast favored foe and use some acid from my black wing bow. 51 damage. Whoa. Man, you unleash on one of these vampire spawn in tattered scholars robes. The robes do not provide much cover or armor support. You see arrows just into one of these scholars.

How dare you? I will show you. You will be subject to all of my most darkest magics. Yes. Oh, I knew it. I knew the tattered rose. They're mages. You sound like a dweb or a dork or a dork or a freak of scholar, aren't you? No. I don't know. Are you a nerd?

I'm not wearing glasses, am I? It looks like you need them. Yeah, it just wears them if you need them. Clearly looking at a tree and not you are. You're getting wrinkles from squinting too much, okay? I'm fine. I can read street signs totally fine. It's just emails that give me travel. You shouldn't have a driver's license if you're not wearing your glasses. See, your problem.

You are sighted, okay? So you have trouble with screens. Yeah, so you need glasses when you use the screens. I know all this. I'm a scholar. I have learned much about the human anatomy. Ho! Okay.

So now it is the two vampire scholars' turns. You see they both pull out these scrolls from their pockets. And the scholar that you just struck with arrows, Vasha says, that wizard Reagan captured has proved very useful. Very useful indeed. a taste of wizardly magics. We're not saving these guys. These guys are dead.

We all agree? We're going to tabletop you. And this vampire scholar is going to cast Bigby's hand. You see the scholar's clawed fingernails light on fire. And as they burn, a massive skeletal hand appears at their side.

And the hand is going to try and grasp you. Me? Let's see here, Nyack. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. Okay, that shouldn't be a problem for Nyack. But it is. Shout out to the two crew.

Oh! Yes, yes, yes. This massive hand just like scoops you up, grabs you, clenches you tight. You feel your bones starting to struggle and splinter a bit from this tight squeeze. Ow, get your thin hand off of me. So you are grappled currently. And I think because you are grappled, the other scholar is actually going to run up,

and they are going to try and bite you. Oh. Why not? All right. First, I'm going to make a claw attack because they can only make one bite. Fuck. Shout it to the two crew. Damn it.

Get out of here. Yeah, you need to try a different day. I've been watching. Just put the glasses on. You'll be able to hit me, I swear. Both of you guys wear glasses. It's fine. I don't need glasses.

My eyes are great. It's just some kind of like 80s or 90s thing that you have going on. Lots of hot people wear glasses. glasses. Lots of cool people with glasses. Yeah, glasses are hot now. Haven't you watched porn? Haven't you watched porn?

Don't you ever watch porn? I don't need porn. I just visualize it in my mind. Yeah, but I still visualized glasses now. Everyone in my imagination is wearing glasses now. Do they leave the glasses on in the porn?

Do they leave them on? Sure, yeah. Does it protect from the cum? That was so crass. Oh, I'm sorry. You're not walking. Yeah. Come on, guys.

I put my headphones back on. The right incredible mind can imagine thousands of scenarios, and in one of them, come splashed onto the face, and the glasses prevented it from getting in the eye. You are so sick. You're so sick. It's so judgmental if you said,

you don't watch porn, but then you describe something so graphic. I'm sorry that you are scared of knowledge and possibility. This is dark academia at its finest. What makes that possibility to you? Yeah, why is that the dark academia? Yeah, that's finest. I'm scared.

So is dark academia not very good? Dark academia means you're not afraid to peer into the unknown. Doro, are you friends with these guys? I work with him. They're like co-workers to me. You're cooler than this, Don't know. They were turned before me, so unfortunately they have hierarchy. Yeah, they were turned in the 90s, clearly.

They're big glasses aren't cool. So this vampire spawn, you see. They put in some eyedrops. shake their head a little bit, and they're going to try and bite this time. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Eleven is going to miss need readers. Did you just lick me? He needs readers.

God bless our drunken. The man cannot roll above a thigh. You're all seeing this, right? Yeah. I'm watching it with like, I feel bad. Why'd you lick my ankle, man? That's not your neck. That's not that with your neck.

Go away. But perhaps there is a strong vein running through the ankle, and that could be better for drawing blood. Perhaps I've innovated and perhaps I've created a new paradigm of vampirism. Who knows? It requires experimentation. You should know. You should know, because you said you have all the knowledge. You should figure this out, like, before you're in a fight.

Also, like, kind of like, listen to what you're saying, ankle vampires. Is that what you're pitching to us? Yeah. You're going to suck my ankle vines? Yes, well, in the 90s, englets were very cool. Oh, yep. Okay, sad, sucks. Yeah, it does have a point. I am smart. I am so smart. I know everything.

So, yes, this vampire just casually licks your ankle. That is the vampire scholar's turns. That is going to bring us to Onyx. Okay, so do I get the idea that if we could get this periapt onto Duru, that he would, like, fight alongside us? or like he just might chill from this fight. Give me an insight check. That's a Nat one.

A Nat one. Oh, my God. All you know is what Jens was able to glean, which is that it will negate the commands of the maker, I believe is how I phrased that. So I can't tell you much beyond that with a Nat one. Okay. So, okay, let me take out this bariap and be like,

you know what is so fashion, this necklace? No, don't wear it. Eric Doroo, it's going to be too much. It's going to clash with your eye patch. What do you know, ankle licker? And then would it be like I can do like attacks to try to get it onto him? Yes.

You'll need to make a grapple check. I'm going to say, it's actually so fashion that I think Straud would be mad if you didn't do it. And I am going to cast phantasmal force. I craft an illusion in the mind of a creature I see. They make an intelligent saving throw. on a failed save, I can create a creature. I'm going to create Strad. I'm going to like hold the Terriapt as if it's Straud,

putting it onto his, onto him. For all of your hard work, Doru, I award you this medal. Soon I will make you a full vampire. You are so close. Oh my God, you're getting the medal of Vampire Spawn, being the best vampire spons. That's huge, Darry. Wow.

This means I'm in the inner circle. Just three more inner circles and then I'm almost to the final circle. Yeah. So it's a DC 16 intelligent saving throw. Intelligence save. Wow. Okay. Got it exactly. Oh, really? Damn. Yeah.

Okay, okay. Okay, so that was a waste of a spell. And then I'm gonna, I'll just stay here. You're gonna keep trying to attack me. Wait a minute. Stroud would never give me something willing I would have to beg and scrape for it. This is an illusion. How dare you?

Okay, I'm out. Someone else deal with putting this on him. That was it. I used one of my spells. Okay. It's like trying to get like a shirt on a cat. Awesome. So next up to try is Jins.

All right. Which one of you is stronger? I look at Nyak about to be popped by a bony hand. And Onyx struggling to get a necklace around someone's Do any of you guys add anything to athletics? Nyack flexes inside the bony hands. I add a plus three. Okay.

I'll give a Bartik inspiration to Nyack. Nice. And then I'll hope to, I want to break this thing's concentration by murdering him. Oh. So I'm going to run up to the scholar that cast the Bigby's hand, which I think was the one who was already hurt. And I say,

Flame tongue, lick on. And I have so many swords that I've confused the Sunsword for the Flame Tongue. so I pull out the Sunsword. Awesome. And I'll take two attacks. Okay. And this does extra damage to undead. This does extra damage to undead.

Hell yeah. Right on. Sick. 24 on the first attack. It's 19 on the second attack. They both hit. And then it'll take an offhand attack. This might just do it.

Come on. And that's a 23 on the offhand attack. 23 also hits. Great. 34 damage total. Let's go. Jens. You hold this gleaming sunsword aloft aloft.

and slice in to this vampire spawn with more intention and purity than you've done anything your whole life. Finish this scholar. Flame tongue, your power is great. That's not the flame tongue. Yes, it is. It is the flame tongue?

It's obviously not. Then why is it so hot? It's sunlight, it's not fire. Then why is it so hot? Sunlight and fire are the exact same thing. There are different damage types, obviously. There's the exact same thing, I say. I need glasses, and even I can see that.

Flame tongue lick. And I cut his head off. Incredible. You slice into this vampire spawn. They just like turn to ash and float away on the wind. And as this happens, you see the Bigby's hand puffs away. Nyak is free as well. Incredible turn.

Jin. I accidentally inhale a bunch of ash. Oh, oh my God. He's in my nose. Oh my God. Oh my God, no. I will live on in your brain. Huckalookew, brother.

Huck him out of there. It's a dry cough. Oh, wait, this is an inhospitable brain. I'm triveling up, I'm dribbling up. Okay, Jen's incredible turn that brings us to Keychain at the bottom of the order. Keychain looks around and says, does anyone need a protection from good and evil potion? Or maybe a fly spell. Maybe save for the next one.

Yeah. Okay, I could also splash them with holy water. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Cool. I'll just do that. Splash one of the freaking scholars. All right.

Yeah, maybe he's doing like a wet dog. Keychain takes the holy water and like laps it up in his mouth, but then like drinks in that way where he's just drooling and spilling everywhere. And then he shakes his head. And it gets all over this other vampire scholar. You see it sizzles as it hits. Oh, no. This is most unscientific.

That's going to do 2D6 damage to the scholar and interrupt their healing ability. Ooh, that is seven damage. All right, that's Keychain's turn. Now, that brings us back around to the Gothias battle. Ooh. As Keychain does this, he turns around, and you see on the screen in his stomach, the creeping hut has arrived at Yester Hill. As the druid's ritual approaches its zenith,

you see the Gothias tree's hollow eyes and mouth begin to glow with a pulsing crimson light. At the base of the hill, you see a small force of where ravens has gathered, but their ascent is being blocked by a huge army of twig blights. Each blight holds a long crooked spear which they lift towards the sky, tracing the paths of Wair Ravens scouts flying just out of range. You see one brave scout manages to sneak past the blights, only to be grabbed and swallowed by the waving branches of the Gothias tree itself.

Once Esmeralda reaches the flock of ravens, she pulls out a megaphone and shouts the code word so loud that it echoes through the gulch and into your ears. I think in the next Deadpool movie, he's going to be into baby. The air fills with the thunderous croaks of Ravens agreeing. They charge the twig blights, allowing Esmeralda and the Creeping Hut to pass directly into the fray. And here is where you come in. Each round, you're going to get to pick what action the creeping hut is going to take.

Then we'll use a single D20-year-old to determine how it affects the battle. Your options are as follows. One, attack the druids. That's the most direct path to ending the ritual. Two, attack the blights. That will allow a few were ravens to break through the blight barricade and aid the creeping hunt in battle. And three, attack the tree. This would eliminate the ritual and the twig blights all in one fell swoop.

Nyak is sitting down like a toddler with an iPad just staring at the screen. Okay, I feel like, we'll say this now that the wear ravens aren't close. They're not that strong. Let's not do anything that allows them to do anything. Let's just have Esmeral to blow the tree up or the three. Maybe the druids. That's a nice middle ground. If she has some things that, like, catches fire or something, she could do that to the tree,

or she can go after the druids. I think going after the druids is good. Great. Okay. Middle ground. Nyak, you're top of the initiative. This time, why don't you go ahead and roll me a D-20? Okay.

Nyack bangs on the screen to try to get the picture clearer. That is a 17. Okay, great. That is the success. You watch as the creeping hut scrambles up this hill. The giant arm-like branches of the tree swatting at it. It dodges left and right. It's surprisingly nimble, and it extends one of its long, root-like arms and slashes into a druid, taking one out.

There are now five druids remaining. Still continuing this ritual, but that is one success. Great work. Cool TV show. And with that, we go back to the top of the initiative, which is Doru. I think that because you have this strange necklace, he is going to keep going after you, Onyx. Oh, that's a nine. Plus six.

15. Misses. Oh. All right. We roll again. So psyched for a nine. 19. Okay.

That hits. But? No, just tell me it was the damage. Okay. Yes, ma'am. So he slices into you with his claws for nine damage. Okay. As a reaction, I can now misty step because that's sixth level archfade warlock thing.

So I'm Misty step, and I'm going to. to do disappearing step. I'm Misty step 30 feet away and I'm now invisible. I have the invisible condition until the start of my next turn. Oh shit. Way to go, Doro.

You scared her off. What did you go? You came on too strong. You killed her. I feel like, I don't know. Maybe if I made her vampire spawn we could like, you know, go drain some people together.

Have a little midnight rendezvous. Drain some people? You're all disgusting. All you vampires are crass. I'm sorry. All you think about is ejaculate. God damn. I didn't mean like that.

How else could you mean it, Do Ro? Can we go one fight without talking about cum? Duru. Okay, fine, fine. But now I'm thinking about it. Yeah, you were thinking about it before. I will say that as I missed you stepped, I tossed the Periap to Nyak. Yeah, okay, great.

That sounds awesome. So that is Doru's turn. He slashes at Onyx who instantly disappears. Maybe I'm stronger than I think. That is going to be Nyack's turn. Would you let me toss my fishing rod as a bonus action? What are you doing? I thought you could do that as an object interaction.

Yeah. Okay. Tell me what you want to do and then we'll decide. Well, I'm going to do this regardless. You can tell me if it does anything. Okay. I pull out the fishing rod. I say, go, go, gadget fishing rod.

And I throw it at the mim. And then I'm going to try to grapple Dauru and put the necklace on him. So is the fishing rod a distraction? Are you trying to like, are you trying to assist? Are you trying to activate the mimic? I want to activate the mimic and see if it fights his font. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, roll me an animal handling check with disadvantage. Disadvantage? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Well, I roll the 15, but of course with disadvantage, I have to use my three, which becomes a six. But I said, I did say go-go-gadgett fishing rock. Maybe I can use the 15.

So maybe that's just, turns up his headphones. Yeah, I'll say that the way this mimic works is it's almost like, it's kind of like hiding inside the fishing pole. Like in the way that an octopus can like squeeze inside like a tiny little bottle or something like that. So as you throw it attempting to get the mimic to come out, tentacles just wrap around you and attack you. Disengage gadget fishing rod Does it 12 hit you? No Alright

So Keychain Get your damn rod Well, well, well Come on keychain, get it all Look who's up shit creek Keychain Without a paddle

But with a fishing pole This isn't funny anymore Keychain I'm scared Do you promise you'll give me the rod back? Yes, I don't even want anymore. Okay. Ad deals, a deal. No takebacks. So Keychain

on his turn will help you deal with this mimic. But you currently do have a mimic flailing at you. You can make another animal handling on your next turn. Okay, so yeah, since I haven't used my action yet, I'm going to kick off the tentacle and try to dive and put the necklace on Doro. What are you doing with that fishing pole? What is that? Just shut up and put this on, beautiful. That's a dirty 20. Oh, wow.

And yeah, I'll use the bardic. That is a five, so 25. Nice. I think unless he gets a net 20, he can't beat this. Yeah. Here we go. He got an 11. Okay.

So, yeah, I will say, wow, Nyak, you grappled Doru. He's struggling, wriggling around in an almost inhuman, worm-like way. But you manage to, like, get a chokehold on him and slip this necklace over him. And as you do, this silver peralium ore bulb gleams. And you see a sort of like fog lift from his eyes. His eyes go from red back to their natural color. And he looks around, terrified, confused about where he is. It says, oh, I don't, I don't hear him.

Stroud, his voice is gone. But the hunger, the hunger remains. And you, you have not been kind to Doru. Estrade may no longer be within me, but you shall still face my wrath. We'll find you people to eat. We have lots of people we don't like. We'll find you people to eat. Now that I do believe.

Yeah. Doru, gorgeous. I'll feed you. We'll find it. It's been a minute, all right? It's been a second. Can you introduce me to Onyx? Yeah, give my brother back his eye patch and I'll introduce you right now.

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Okay, amazing. Wow, way to go, Niagara. Really turn that turnaround. The mimic's still loose, though, right? That is going to be, unfortunately, the vampire scholar's turn. There's one remaining. They see this periaft neutralizing Doru, and I think they are just going to try and get it off of them. So I think they're going to just run up with their claws and try and slash it off. If this comes off, let's just kill Duru.

I think we have to kill him no matter what. Yeah. That's going to be a 19 for this vampire spawn. I'll roll a pose for Doro. That's just a 14 for Doru. So the vampire spawn slices it, manages to get this periapt off. You should have thought this plan through more. I've seen a million permitations and only 12 of them involved come.

Yeah, sorry and I act to instantly undo your good turn, but this spawn is right next to you now. So there's that at least. And the spawn has wasted their turn getting rid of this periapt. So, you know, a mixed success, as they say. That is going to bring us to Onyx. Okay, coming out of invisibility, I'm going to activate my flame tongue, which I have turned into my packed weapon by bonding wizards. And I'm going to speak as a code word, gentrules kind of, to activate it.

Hell yeah. And then it does 2D6 of fire damage. An extra 2D6. You see like a strobing dome of flame breaks through the fog. It's almost like your flame blade has like lit up. the fog like a sort of planetarium and there's just like dancing flames reflecting in the sky now. And I'm descending from above. And I think I'm going to go for my heart wants to go for Doroo.

Okay. Follow your heart. 27 on the first attack. Hits. 27 again on the second attack. Yeah. Good hits. Good hits, gang.

41 damage. Nice. Okay. Incredible turn. And you singed Doru, the firelight gleaming against this ruby set into his eye patch. At least I still look cool. Yeah, you do. He's right.

You are right. And you could have looked Guller. You actually looked Guller with a necklace. I just, Strah told me I'm not a necklace guy. I just think necklaces are really hot on men. During our morning insult session where Strad talks down to me, he said that I'm not a necklace guy. Why would he lie to me?

Why would you listen to him? Wow. Because he's awesome and his thoughts are in my brain all the time. He could be in your brain too. Wouldn't that be rad? We could not be like brain buddies with Stroud. We're good. No.

Yeah. I don't want to be in the brain of the guy who keeps talking about cum. I don't want to think about cum as much as you. I don't think about it all the time. It's just it's one of the probabilities that could arise in any situation to the human emotions and hormones. Honix, why didn't we attack this guy? Because I just felt like this

Okay, who's not a little hard right now? Which of you is not a little hard right now? Jen's, that really hurt my feeling. Oh my God. Why did you say that? Because he's awful. This guy's awful. Guys, can we take a timeout?

Can we take a timeout? Can we take a time out? Can we take a time out? Yeah, okay. Look, here's the deal. Like, I felt kind of mad at Doru, so I wanted to attack him. Right. So I followed that.

But then you started giving me, like, like shit for it and I'm really confused because I try to be so supportive. Can I be honest with you? Yeah. Yeah. So Nyack was saying that like this scholar guy is like really annoying and so that we should like focus fire and kill him first. Look. And like I'm not saying this.

I'm not saying this. I'm not saying this. I'm saying I don't know this scholar guy. I haven't heard anything. I'm only talking to Doris. I am literally just telling you what Nyak told me. So can I just say I really like the traveling illogical conversation about this? it really shows mental intelligence.

What are you doing in this conversation? Okay, we need to kill him. Time in. Was that productive? The scholar hisses and backs up. That brings us to Jinz's turn. Sweet. All attack, Scholar.

Nice. Okay. 18, 11, and 16. Two of those hit. I'll use a flourish, defensive flourish. 31 damage. I had four to my EC. Nice.

You slash into this scholar real good. You give them something else to think about. And also keep their generation feature from working because you've got this radiant sunsword. Flame tongue, lick on. I just feel like you're also talking in like horny language. It's not just me. What?

It's called the flame tongue and it's licking, aka fighting. I'm just trying to have a debate. I'm just trying to. He's also a debate guy. My son Bluetooth would love you. I love meeting fellow minds. Yes, of course.

I will spar with him anytime. Okay, so that's going to bring us to the end of the round with Keychain. Okay, Keychain, as promised, is going to try and wrangle this mimic so that it won't attack Nyack anymore. I'm going to say he'll make a grapple check to try and get it back in the fishing pole and to do it. Keychain gets a dirty 20, your old post, for this mimic. Mimick got a five.

So I'll say that Keychain grapples the mimic and gets it back into the fishing pole. He locks it tight. Now stay there until you want to be a good boy. And he kisses the fishing pole. Give it back, Keychain. What did you say? It's mine when it's a rod. It's yours when it's a mimic.

But don't you understand. I need to talk to my chatbot therapist about this. Keychain seethes at you. That is the end of his turn. That brings us back around to the Gothias battle. Yes. So again, your options are attack the druids, attack the blights or attack the tree.

Should we try to keep picking off druids? Pick off druids, great. All right. This time, Onyx, going to juke me a D20 roll. Okay. Not one. No!

Oh, no. Fuck. That's bad. That's really bad. Really? So you're up in the mix. You see that Esmeralda in the Creeping Hut is like dodging these giant thorny branches from the top of the Gothias tree that are like sweeping down in these long, raking arcs.

She manages to dodge a bunch. She gets another druid in her sights and is about to pierce through the druid's neck with her giant Rudy leg. But the moment she does that, she loses sight of the Gothias tree and it slashes into her. I've reduced this down to just damage points.

The hut has four damage points and it takes two currently. So what is it, half health? Not great, not a great turn. You see the connection fuzzes a little bit on Key Jane's stomach. She takes this massive hits. I look at Jen.

Do you have anything you want to say to me? Does Nyak? Do you want to make me feel bad? Does Naya have anything to say? Look, I was just telling you what Nyak said. Wait, what? I have no control over this situation. Honix?

You know, I've read a lot of books on couples counseling in therapy if you would like me to weigh in here. We're not a couple. We're a throuple, so figure that out. I just thought, I just thought you know. Do you have a PhD? Because you need a PhD to work with. apples. Okay, we're complicated. I don't have a PhD. I just do a lot of casual reading

in Straub's library. Casual? We have to kill this guy. I'm learned in the ways of the world. That is background at the top of the order. That is Doru's turn. Onyx, I'm so sorry, but I feel like you and Doru are just like battling it out here. He is going to try and turn you so you can join him as a vampire spawn forever. You roll those two attacks. Roll the first one. The first one is going to be a 24 to hit. That does hit. Tell me what damage he does.

I am going to reaction Misty step away, though, and become invisible. God damn it. Were you still invisible or did you drop it to attack? No, no, I dropped it at the beginning of my turn. His plan was to grab you. So he was going to use that attack to grapple you. But Misty Step, you can miss a step out of the grapple. So I think he successfully grapples you and says,

ha-ha, now prepare for the bite of destiny. I will as her reaction Misty step away invisibly fuck off Ew look at him he's kissing the air

Holy shit He loves air Are you pretending to make out with an invisible person No Straut says that's not allowed He says that if we want to make out With someone invisible

We have to be thinking about him And you make sure in our minds Whoa Okay You need to get out of this Yeah that's tough This is a cult You're in the cult

No, it's a pyramid scheme, not a cult. There's to be a pyramid cult? Wow, that's my strad for you. He combined two awful things to make them better. Okay, so that's Doru's turn. Next up is going to be Nyack. I'm going to go after Cum Scholar. I'm going to draw my arrow,

Zephyra Strike. That is a 28 to hit. Okay, I'm also going to use favorite foe. That's 22. And I'm going to use the acid. 26 damage. 26 damage. You pelt this scholar with arrows.

You see that he is like staring at them intently being like, ah, I see these are made of a certain alloy. As they strike him, he is still standing, but he looks. Oh, and I get a second attack. Nice. Okay. That's a 21 to hit. 21 hits.

Okay. 24. Ooh. Nyack. Finish this skull. Yes. Wow. I shoot him with one arrow in the heart and he keeps on talking about come. So I shoot him with another arrow directly in the penis.

That'll shut you up. It's one of many bodily secretions. I don't only talk about come. I can talk about blood. That was the first time I heard you talk about blood. Awesome. So both of the scholars have been dealt with. The book is closed on Dark Academia today. And that is going to bring us to Onyx's turn. Okay, coming out of invisibility, I will summon my spirit shroud and attack Daru. Okay.

Nat 20! Oh, so 46 from the Flame Tong? And a D8 from both. Oh, my God. Okay, I'm going to use Savage attacker on this, too, so that I double the better one. 42 on the first attack. 19 on the die for the second attack, so let's do it again. And 29 on the second attack.

My God. Onyx, he had 27 hit points left. Let's go. Tell me how you finish Doru. The first vampire you met in Borovia, how do you end him? I think that I take a huge chug of holy water and lean in and kiss him, spitting it into his mouth so that he sizzles away

leaving only an eye patch which I look at Jans and say Tris and toss him the eye patch I take the eye patch Duru I think we're supposed to save you but you were still kind of a jerk

even when you had the necklace on so rest in piss I guess piss that's another secretion fuck you Fuck you. You guys are not worthy of straw! Doro falls to the ground dead, his body turns to ash. And as this happens, Onyx, you toss this ruby inlaid eye patch towards Jins. And Jins, as you catch it, go ahead and make me a dexterity saving throw.

What? Damn. Not a good roll. Ten. You were going to take the full brunt of Straud's contingency plan here. No! Oh, no. Of course. Of course.

We're too predictable. After she said, true, we are way too predictable. Oh, my God. You fucking knew it. Well, you made it costume jewelry. You knew we were gonna put it on. Oh my God. Just nods.

I got the flame tongue and I get the eye pass. Jens, you take 25 points of fire damage. This thing explodes right here. Motherfucker. Oh, no. I didn't do that. What the hell? I didn't mean to do that.

That's truce, truth. Dude. Truth, that's not how you do a truce. That's the opposite of how you do a truce. Wow. Nyack, seeing the way that they are acting really makes me reflect. How about a truce, buddy? Give me that fishing pole.

You got a keychain. Nike doesn't move. Consider a truce call. Let's just get in the fucking wagon. Yeah, okay. We have to catch up because last I saw. the battle was going really part otherwise. I'm super hurt.

Do we have a potion? I can lay on hands over the way. Great. So we'll say an initiative. Gensio are up now. You can still act. Are you just going to move towards the wagon? Yeah, I'll start making my move.

Okay, so I'll cast Healing Word on myself and then is it fastest to take the wagon or to do dash actions? It's fastest to take the wagon. Okay. I'm going to use a second level healing word, which now is, powered up. It's 4D4.

So I'm going to do this. That's cool. That's cool. They buffed up. Yeah, they buffed it. Nice. That's good. And then I will hop into the wagon. Sick. All right. 18 lifeback. Ooh. I don't know. Damn near back to where I needed to be.

And Jens, I will say that this was a magic explosion, so the iPatch is still intact if you want it. Whoa. Honestly, I have bad memories of the iPad. I'm going to, well, yeah, I'm going to leave it. Okay. I'm so. tempted by it, but I'm like, he's just going to fucking spy on me or something. Threat. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, you leave the eyepatch behind.

You get in the wagon. You're gesturing for everyone else to join you. Keychain. Do you need any more healing? He can hit you with a potion as well. That'd be cool. I need a little bit more HP. I rolled Keychain's potions.

Unfortunately, he rolled the weak potion, which is just 1D8 plus three. That's fine. That's 11 points of healing. Great. Gets me back to full. There you, T.cane. You're welcome. Finally. Some respect.

around here. I respect you. I've really liked you ever since you've been fighting with Nyack. Kichichet just socks Nyak in the gut. Not like that. Dude. What was that? I'm sorry. Oh, we're allowed to throw exploding eye patches at each other. We're not allowed to sock each other in the stomach. I didn't do that purpose. I tried to give you a gift and it happened to be an exploding one from Strath, okay? Okay, yeah. And you thought I was criticizing you before, but I was just telling you what Nyak was saying.

You keep saying. Why are you throwing me under the bus? Throwing you under the bus? I'm just trying to say what people are saying. Nayak? What did I say? Look, I don't know. I'm not involved in this drama.

This is between you guys. Yes, you are. Am I? You're the center of it. I'm literally just telling you. You're the fulcrum of the drama. What I heard. I'm just telling you what I heard.

That's called gossip. How? How? This is just what Straud wants. Everyone needs to be nice to me instead. You broke my rib. No, because then you'll be nice again. And I'll miss you being me.

I think ultimately all of this is on Keychain, kind of. I just feel like he's been saying stuff. Okay, let's get into the wagon and go. Okay, Jens, you get into the wagon, keychain gets into the wagon, he hops into the passenger seat. That is going to bring us around to the top of the order, which is going to be another Gothias battle scene. So you're still up in the mix with these druids.

You see the creeping out is dancing around. Some of its limbs are looking a little rag in, and it's limping a little bit, but it's still got enough strength to finish this mission. You see the druids are kind of swaying back and forth. They are covered in this like bluish gray mud, wearing only little matted bits of grass for clothing. Their eyes are rolling back in their heads as they sway, continuing this ritual unabated.

What would you like to do? Again, your options are attack the druids, attack the blights, or attack the tree. Druids. Druids. All right. Sticking with that. Great. Nat 20.

Yes, dude. On a Nat 20, you take out two druids instantly. Yes, down to three. Yeah, you see that Esmeralda manages to like divert power from some of the other limbs. So they all stand a little more evenly. And then she just like twists one of her root arms into this like drill and just quickly pierces two of the druids and they fall to the ground. The ritual is continuing. You guys are getting into the wagon.

Nyak, that is your turn. Would those garlic things be helpful here? So the blade oil version of the jarred garlic, which I think is what you're referring to, it only works on shape shifters and undead. Okay. Yeah, if you want to apply that in the wagon during the ride, I would say they would work on the tree,

since this tree is definitely like a zombie tree. Oh, shit. Okay. Okay. Cool. So yeah, if you guys want to, like, oil up your blades as you prepare to, like, attack the tree, the druids are, they are not undead.

They are just freaks. Got you. It wouldn't work on them. So I'll jump in the wagon and I'll garlic up my arrow so I can shoot it at the tree. Sick, yeah. You like pull out one of these metallic pieces of like garlic chunks floating in this jar and like slide it along the tips of your arrow to get it ready and imbued with this holy energy. And let's see.

So that was Nyak's turn. Onyx are the last one to get into the wagon. So I'm going to, I think I'll do this also. Oh, wait. Yeah, for the, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do the blade oil as well. Yeah. So you get this blade oil on.

You're all in the wagon now. You're going to take a dash action to get into the battlefield. Great. So we're going to do one more Gothias turn, and then you guys can join the battles. That's all good? So great. I'll also, I'll blade oil while as we're heading over. Amazing.

I'm also going to bonus action. Use my pack slot from my Ariana doll to cast serpent tongue. I transform my tongue into a poisonous serpent for the duration. Okay. And then on my turn, as bonus actions, I can attack people with it. Whoa. And they get the poisons condition. I don't know if everyone's going to be immune to that.

I just don't want to go through this whole thing and knock it to use my serpent tongue. So my tongue turns into a serpent in my mouth. You can trust what I'm saying, Jen. You already had a serpent tongue. It doesn't fit in your mouth. I know as cute is coming out So we'll do one more Golthias action

As you guys make your way to Yester Hill I think it's back around to Nyack If you want to do the D20 roll Are you attacking the Druids again? Yeah, we'll go for a druid Right Fuck me, that's a four Damn

Four So the DC for attacking the druids is 14 Which means you failed that by Oh my God You failed that by 10 That's two more damage to the Creeping Hut The Creeping Hut is out Yikes

Oh no You see that the Creeping Hut scuttles over to another druid, but then just gets fully taken out by one of these huge sweeping branches of the Gothias tree, and it is on its back, like a dead spider, kind of curled up.

You see Esmeralda crawl out from underneath the creeping hut. She looked extremely hurt, but still capable of acting and potentially helping you out. But the creeping hut and its massive damage-dealing capabilities have been removed.

Man, some bad rolls up in here. But, The good news is you guys are now up in the battlefield here. All right. Your wagon blasts through this gulch, this scenery just blurring all around you as the spectral horses go faster than they've ever gone before, and then you pull up at the base of Yester Hill.

You see these wear ravens engaging these twig blights on all sides. The blights have these long spears that they're almost like jabbing at is that they're like fishing in the air, trying to keep these were ravens from like getting through towards the druid. They're kind of in a stalemate right now. You guys in your wagon, I'll say you can kind of just like barrel through them up the hill if you want to get up into the mix with the druids. Yeah, let's barrel through them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, awesome. So the creeping huts out, so we're not going to have that extra action. But Asimeralda will join you in this fight. Nice. Great. Okay. So you plow through these twig blights, scattering them as you make your way up this winding

path towards where the druids, the three remaining druids, are chanting at the top of the hill. I will say that by knocking out three of the six druids, you have reduced the tree's HP a little bit as well. Sweet. Nice. You see the Galthai's tree arches a wooden eyebrow as it notices your approach,

but we are going to start back at the top of the order here with Nyack. Oh, all right. I'm going to jump to the front of the wagon, draw back one of my garlicky arrows. I'll use my

last Zephyr strike to fire one at the Gullthias tree. Nice. That is a 24 to hit. 24 hits. I'm also going to make the tree, my new favorite foe. You are so fickle. I hate trees. This guy I just met was a tree, but then he was a vampire, so I just don't trust him.

And I get one more attack, so I'll take that too. That's a 17 to hit. So both of those hit? That is 36 damage. You fire these arrows in, and you see they be like, managed to find their way into these cracks where this like red using sap is leaking out. And the tree kind of like screams a little bit as you hit it. It almost seems like inside of it is a little more organic under this bark,

since it is this cursed zombie tree. Are you a guy in there? I was once a man and now I live again as a servant of Stroud. Guys being trees, trees being guys. Makes you think this whole place is backwards. Stroud understand. that the natural world must be allowed to consume and grow. He will allow the druidst to rise again.

Really? His eyes thought he was stifling the gross of like the vineyards. Yes, the vineyard is a perversion. The grapes should grow wild and free. You should be able to pluck from the vine as you please. Look, we drank your wine and like whatever you're doing with the grapes is bad. Like it tastes bad. Yeah.

It was a good argument for cultivation. It was honestly insane that the. bird fed it to us. Like, he insisted on having a tasting when we were like, we have business. And he's like, let's do a walking tasting. And then fed us wine that tasted like ash. It was delusional.

That is the old way. Soon the grapes will go fat and plump. They would be as big as baseballs and you can munch them with your hair. But I think that usually happens from like cultivation, like intentional cultivation. I think you're in a pyramid scheme. It's not just like Zamor free it is,

The bigger and plumbers, the grapes are. Weirdly, as a tree, I just think you don't know how this works. I'm sorry to say this. I know you're a tree. I know you're a tree. Straud promised me big-ass grapes. Okay, yeah, but they taste bad. Do you see what I'm saying?

Like, I could fill a grape with dirt and it would be bigger, but it would still taste like shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's kind of like with modern tomatoes. What happens with that? It's so big. They would be big. They would absolutely be big. Okay, all right, all right, let me put you on this.

Okay. Freaking basketball-sized grape. Okay. So you're really focused on the size? Yeah. Because wine is not about the size of the grape. You never do a wine-based. It's good for the animals and the plants.

They don't care how it tastes like. Well, they had no, they do so. They actually do. Yeah, they probably, there's just not a lot of animals around here, are there? By the way, the super big grape is a grapefruit. Those already exist. Yeah. Nothing new.

Shut the fuck up. You guys, shut up. I will make the biggest grape for my master. And then that is going to be Gulfias's turn. It is going to make two attacks on you, NIAC. What did I do? You struck it, my beating veins. They pulse beneath my bark.

That is a 12, which misses. And then a, oh, here we go, 23 to hit. That hits. Okay, so this is a grasping root attack. You see that it swipes with one of its big branches, and then one of the roots in the ground pops up and just wraps you up very tight. You are once again grappled.

Oh. And on the trees next turn, it is going to try and swallow you. You see it like lifting you up, its mouth getting wider and wider. Please don't. Not what trees do. Yum. Not my day. You're obsessed with being grappled.

Why is everyone hugging me? These are the dark hugs. The scholars speak of them in dark academia. Oh, we don't want to talk about scholars. Just don't bring them up. You have to stop. Yeah. I'm sorry.

I follow the knowledge of the life. Okay, so that is going to be, oh, Esmeralda's turn. Kill druids. Yeah. You get the druids? Yeah. Okay, fuck. Oh, man.

It totaled my freaking ride. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah. We should take it to Jens' guy. Oh, yeah, Topper. Yeah, thank you. I smile.

He takes a super long time, but it's really high quality, as long as you're willing to wait for it. Yeah. It might take a couple years. But you deserve the best. Yeah, it's so worth it. One would have thought we'd forget about it by now. Stair daggers at Onyx.

Honix genuinely believes that it's at the shop. Yeah, she'll go ahead and enchant a blade again. She's going to enchant Onyx's blade with 2D8 lightning. So now you have lightning and fire emanating from your blade. Okay, and that brings us to your turn. Okay, taste my elemental fury. I think because I use the garlic, I'm going to go after the tree. Great.

25 to hit. Hits. Okay. So this is going to be 4D6. Mm-hmm. Oh, well. Plus a D8 from my Spirit Shroud, radiant. Oh, my God.

Plus a D8 from the garlic. Mm-hmm. Plus 2D8 lightning. Jesus Christ. And I have savage attackers, so I'll roll it twice and take the higher one. God, that's chunky. Is that it 36 damage on the first attack? Oh, on the first attack.

Taking a second attack. That is a 23. to hit. Hits. 29 under second attack. Onyx. You see pools of sap leaking out of this tree as if

you've prepared it for syrup making. Finish Goliathias. I'm going to let the serpent lung tongue lull out of my mouth. I got a not one. to try to attack with my bonus attack with a servant attack, but I'm still going to let the serpent tongue just drink the sap like it's a vampire.

No, no, my sap. That's my blood, my power. How could you? Thank God it's his blood. It's all things for trees. No, no. Onyx, you like this tree up with fire and thunder. Truly the natural world being restored.

Thunder is called down from the heavens. Fire alights the trunk of this tree. I think that there's like, Onyx is now like kind of think she's a little bit one with like the plants because of the plant growth from Ariana. So she's like, I will collect your seeds and replant you. And make a whole field of you.

Just real quick, which are your seeds? It's all mixed in there on the dog. Okay, I will collect the gunk to then make a field of this tree. It's a bad tree, Monix. I take the gunk. I believe in nature versus nurture. I mean, I believe in nurture versus nature. Okay.

Please raise my sons to be beautiful boys. I will raise them just as I did with Bluetooth. I don't know who that is. You will. You hear an ear splitting. crack, followed by a long protesting. As the Goliathis tree falls to the ground, the remaining druids attempt to prop it up, but are quickly crushed by the massive tree, which falls to the earth like a comet.

As it makes impact, lightning flashes in the sky, and the ground shakes violently. The tremors cause your legs to buckle, and as you stand once more, you see this tree before you, dead and defeated. And in the crater from which it was uprooted, you see a gleaming silver box with a sunflower pendant on it.

Whoa, treasure. Dibs. Actually, I won it this time. No, dibs. Dibs for me. I run fairly at it. Who do you think I called it for, Jens?

I bound for it at all doors. I think Nyak should fight teaching for it. I'm ready to go. Keychain bites Nyax's ankle as you all sprint towards this glinting treasure. It was already tender. And as you do, you see that the twig blights fade to dust as their master is defeated. The ravens all cheer.

They rush towards you covering you in feathery crowns and trinkets made of shiny glass. As the party begins, the Gothias tree is defeated, and you have found the last relic. the relic known as the Tome of Straud. Next episode, we will open it, but for now, this is where we end our session. Nice. Jens pretends he likes all of the trinkets that are being put on them, even though they're kind of ruining his outfit.

Oh, awesome. You get this one. Yeah, do you like this? Yeah. Thank you so much. Look at all that plumage, brother. We did it. I hate this from Shasta bottles.

Okay. Onyx looks at the vial of the evil trees seed and realizes that it's one last come joke. And she considers telling Jen's. And with that, you can listen to our after show. Patreon.com slash Nadpod. That's N-A-D-P-O-D. Don't sing yet. Wee.

To listen to our after show, the short rest. We've got some stuff to plug. We've got a show at Radio City Music Hall coming up in April. So check that out. Go to Nadpod.com slash live. It's going to be the Bonfrares and the band of boobs. Zach Oyama will be joining us. Yes.

So a few tickets left. So hop on there and get those. And don't forget about the Sydney Opera House tickets over at natpod.com slash live. Yes. And that's coming up in March. So grab tickets now because they're going to go fast. Sonic style. With that, we'll go ahead.

You can follow us on social media. I'm playing Sonic. Yeah, maybe. I mean, maybe, honestly. Who knows? Who knows if Donkey Kong or Sonic? We'll show up. No promises. No promises either way. You can follow us on social media that we're mayor-in-net-use at Cajomers-Me at Caldy Skollwall, at Aextrodd-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-X-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-W.

Folks, the end of our show has come once more, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent counsel of elders. Here they are. Stand and admire them. Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Later McS. Matt M. Cutter W.

Jeff C. Daniel G. Danielle the Dastardly Dame. Carpe Liam. Victor T. A.k.a. Balnor's boy. Hoyt's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster. T.J. M.

Tray. The cray. Derohe, now you have to say it, Jordan L, cyborg version of Josh the Cobold, Targot, Stevie Wags, Hellish Rbuquer, the NBDMPHD, Jack L, Nicholas C, star of every film ever made in Bohemia, Mike H, Alka Smelzer Plus,

Great Value Gemma, Tyler F, H, Hercule Poirot, Zil Rabbitfolk Detective, Timmy R, Jake's Jerk, Jerk, Jerk's Jerk, Jerk, hashtag CCC, Terrence J, Cass, skateboard, Cass. Stephen C's drunk monk says, honor the cork. Oh, from the spell. Nick W. Nico, the underpaid English teacher. William W.

Big Bad Beardo the Mad. Ananarama. Percival, Frederikstan von Muso Klosowski de Rolo the third. Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the vibe, honoring the Cork. Nah, it's cock. I just changed that one. Impressive dongle. Ben A. Dave H. Not that Nick. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce. Big Bad John. DPC is awesome. Brand new wife. Congrats. Shone, the shade tree mechanic of Zubble Dar. Summer Rose, aka Grand Terre. Mark the Dark Lord's Taint. Cat C. Misa of House and Zunza. The Occasional Mermaid Selina N. A.k.a. Valaci Raptor.

B. Perky Always. Pat L. Lauren H. Serve 16. Annie, the Faye Wild Therapist. Parogi Frenzy. By Oakworth 7. Bean Rat was innocent. Rob. Hop dropper. Jack H. King of the Mole People under Iron Deep.

Dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament. Vailen. Paj, the bitch and bunny, Bards. Druidic Payton, Carlin C. Omri, M. Noah the Gentleman Fister, hashtag honor the cock. James G. Everything bago.

The Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger stripy. Reverend Shatterbones. Ha, cha, cha, cha. Han. Eric B. Marcos Ph.D. Eventually. Learns the balanced druid.

Frieda M. Maggie. Holly the Green Laughing hyena Papa Bambino in Gino's Grimwaller Executive Chef of Bohumia Bud heavy

Russell H Cody Care Lorelei the succubai and Kira the succulent snack Cow go trucking delivering bashful butts everywhere Your friendly neighborhood

Yant and Yonkel Andrew and Sid Don't skip over Thanksgiving, John Adams loves it. James F. Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them. Turn to page 42. Keep them, turn to page 69. Christopher J. Oreo. Barpo Good Barbarian. Charlie Brown's best friend. Renée, the monster captain. Olivia, the enchanting bard and Jared the soap opera cleric who are prepping an epic playlist for the final. battle. Blue Ash. Fico. J. Kegard. Fancy Matt. The sugar bum fairies are out caroling. Happy hoglidays.

Cantrip Dumbledore. The bear onesie wearing barbarian. Lexi H. M.J. The B. F. G. Roger L. Nadrag, the pass off-thist, Barbarian. Brian L. and Eric B. Two running buds. Nice. Jean-Luka. Leon Kumori, legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign. Shananagan, Z. Joshua S. Alexander. Linz W. Sky the Wise, aka the lone dungeon master. The spud fucker himself, Johnny Dudeke.

The mischief of Natpots familiar's. Pavu Escanor, the Goliath Paladin, providing service with a smile. Jake Well Murphily. Tim M. Dragon Knight, 86. Richard, Strangle, the main event. TR. M.L.G. Cheeto. Shell B. Kenna's first favorite sprite girl. Finished her C2, re-listen. Shout out to what an incredibly gorgeous story campaign it is.

Honk. Jet S. Snailess, the Eldrich Snail. Boggy's Buds, Best Botanicals in Bohumia and Beyond. Indeed. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-a-sa-a-a-a-a-a-a-ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-triple-steer-cric-water enjoyer josh-hull, pilot of the nightmare-verse flight the two crew boop blew through Ethan the soon-to-be-married mailman. Congrats, Ethan. Maple, the shy bookworm. Nick A.J.

Ashesaurus. Seth the Stroker, bearer of all hog-related burdens. Billy Batson. Tori the tungsten dragoose. Left with a warehouse full of Grinch blow-up dolls after Murph and Emily skipped their last pickup. Such a shame. Michael L.S. the second.

Carl B. Plummer. of the realm. Ace dreg's High Lord of Critsburg. Vin Diagram. D.M. Charby. Cadmilius. The Consumed.

Cam, the Froglidase man. Dean. Jake W. Hi, Mom. Tyler O. The Mile High bastard. Tuesday Cross. Only here for the surf and mirth.

We love you, rat Jesus. Smores. Tyler McMm. G.A. Dow. Zibby-de-Backery. Kaylee. Katerina C. Carly C.

Totally, definitely not the Grinch. A wink. Kajo. Greg W. There's so many of us now. But hey, you're doing great, and we love you. Baruch Thunderhelm, fifth generation Minotaur,

working as an abandoned labyrinth tour guide. Chupacabri. Cappy B of the schooner, Lewis, R. French. B. The Waterworth, your four-legged Greg companion. Nick! The Raging Ranger Echo Ashmore.

A.E.G. 15, Coonari. Watch me kick-flip my meck. Holy shit. Nadia. Dice Druid and Papa's associate attorney. Not a DJ, but we'll still take the gig. DJ Dramamine. Chef Julie B. Mama Mayhem, a Grizzby's number one fan.

Jins Rhyme. rules, kinder. Thomas C. Little Dark Lotus Creations. Joshua H. Jacob M. Lou H. A.J. D. Bin V. Prince Slagathor III. And Lainey S. Ah, that is all of our elders. What an immaculate list.

Thank you so, so much for your undying support. If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash Nadpod. That's going to do it for us today, but we will see you back here again next week. Thanks so much and farewell. That was a headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Drew Offiwalo.

And I'm Jason Offoallo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things, like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgy you had one, or even a show you're loving and anything in between.

So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.