Not Another D&D Podcast - Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 22: Dark Blessing

Episode Date: February 13, 2026

The Triplets continue their exploration of Castle Ravenloft and unearth a treasure trove of shocking secrets! Jens becomes a Big Dog, Nyack feels competitive, Onyx gets shell shock as the Trinyvale X Strahd crossover nears its conclusion! Stayed tuned next week for the Finale! Get tickets to our Radio City and Sydney Opera House shows HERE!CREDITSEditing by Brian MurphyProduction and Sound Design by Daniel Ramos (@Schubirds on IG)Logo Design by Chelsea LeCompteMUSIC INCLUDES:"Trinyvale Opening Theme" by Emily Axford"Where is the Manager??" by Emily Axford“Selfless” by Emily Axford"The Gate" by Emily Axford“Barovian Tango by Emily Axford"The Shard" by Emily Axford“Obsidian” by Emily Axford“The Little Moon” By Emily Axford"The Tarroka Suite" by Emily Axford"The Night Lotus" by Emily Axford“Strahd” by Emily Axford"LIghts Out" by Emily Axford"Trinyvale Closing Theme" by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everybody, it's Emily here to talk to you about Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. Looking for a good movie? One that Sunshine State Complex called A Comedic Miracle, and variety described as, It's insane that it exists. Look no further than Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie. When their plan to book a show at the Rivoli goes horribly wrong, Matt and Jay accidentally traveled back to the year 2008. It's got jokes, nostalgia.

Crazy stunts. It's the kind of movie that's going to be really fun to see with a rowdy crowd. Also, it's a mockumentary. If time travel mockumentary doesn't hook you, I don't know what will. So check out what critics are calling a thrilling, roof-shaking blast, cinematic anarchy. And a movie you absolutely must see to believe. Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie is in theaters, February 13th. Get tickets now. Goodbye, sweetie. Hey gamers, if you've been waiting for the perfect time to give your setup the ultimate boost, I've got some great news. Alienware is having their annual tech days event, and that means you can

score some pretty crazy deals right now. Save big on new Alienware PCs like Aurora, laptops, and the Area 51, their most powerful desktop. They both take performance to the next level with Intel Core Ultra processors. There's also some pretty serious deals on Alienware displays, accessories, and more. Check it out at alienware.com slash deals. The whole reason for this annual tech days event is to celebrate you. So I'd take a good look at these prices and exclusive benefits before it ends. It's easy to save. Just visit alienware.com slash deals and snag yourself some great gear and very upgrade-friendly prices. What's up everybody? It's the two crew. And we have just announced we are going to be doing a show at the Sydney Opera.

a house on March 16th, 2026. Oh, an architectural triumph and perhaps a triumph of D&D as well. Perhaps we shall see. Undoubtedly. I think it will be. Undoubted. I'm will tell.

Guaranteed good show. March 16th. Scoop your tickets quick because it is the only show we're doing in Australia. You're going to want to be there. It's going to be a good show. One big show. One big show. Be on the lookout for that. Nadpod.com slash live.

See you there. Yeah. This is a headgum podcast. Welcome to Trinnavale. Trinnavale. And also Barovia. Barovia. It's music to my ears.

Yum, yum, yum, yum. Oh, no, it's a little guy. This castle is full of little guys. You haven't murdered them all yet. But I'm Little Guy Prime because I am your Dracula uncle, aka droncle, Caldwell Tanner, and I am joined as always by my pugilent players,

Brian Murphy. I've caught a cold from this mold, Gens Lindell. So we've been told by Emily Axford. Dressed to distress in her Adam Sandler best, but actually it's a flex because she looks like Billy eyelash. Whoa.

It's on Hux, Lumier. I didn't realize we were writing poetry. That was like four stanzas. What the fuck am I going to do? Yeah. I really debated whether or not I included that last rhyme, but I was like, when will I ever get to do this again? I really like the way that Onyx says eyelish,

so it sounds like eyelash. Alash. That was actually not Onyx saying it. That was me trying to make it rhyme with best. I'll take what I can get. Speaking of people that can take what they can get, we got Jake Hurwitz here. Having a blast with my new best friend, Glassass.

Nyham of the Rantafour. Bad names. Wow. Wow. Glass ass. The best familiar name we've ever come up with in eight years of the show. I could be insane. We've peaked. We finally got there. And let me tell you, it's beautiful up here. Guys, before we enter our glass ass era, how about a quick recap? Let's do it. All righty. When last we met, U3 had just arrived at Castle Ravenloft for your dinner with Strad. Worried about being attacked, U3 and Marina donned invisibility and also hamburger outfits.

and snuck past the dining hall and into the chapel, leaving Esmeralda and Keychain to guard the exit. Once there, you found a secret shoot that led to the castle's sprawling wine cellar. Jins poured himself a glass to take the edge off, but ended up taking damage instead, because the barrel was full of poisonous yellow mold. Right. Classic fucking Wizards of the wine.

Probably shipped like that honestly. He kind of sucked at their job. What bottle of theirs isn't poison? Connoisseurs call that funky. a little bit of a funkiness. Oh, that's orange wine. Yes. Skin contact.

In need of a place to lie down, you went to the servants' quarters, where you found two sleeping zuminoids. After quickly murdering them, Jens and Nyack attempted to take a short rest, but were interrupted by a bloodthirsty animated broom. Were we, though? I don't remember that. It's unclear. I don't think that happened.

Meanwhile, Onyx found her way into the Hall of Bones, where she encountered the giant skull of Corv. The mother of Ravens. The deceased deity gave her information about the amber vault, which houses the dark presence that gave the vampire lord Strad his power and told her that it could be found beneath the tomb of Strad's brother, Sergey. Corvac then gave Onix a large egg, which she claimed would protect her from whatever it is that dwells inside the vault.

After their chat, Onyx summoned Jens, Nyak, and Marina to the bone hall for a short rest. While all this happened, Keychain and Esmeralda got, got to know each other better, and sparks of either romance or robot brain malfunction blazed into the misty air. After resting, you three decided to head to the dungeon in the hopes of finding Liamund and putting Nyack in his place as the prophecy foretold. Once there, you battled a suit of magic animated armor, which was later revealed to be not magical, but in fact, just full of rats. With the armor defeated, you freed Liamund and learned that Strade had been forcing him to make spell scrolls and magic items for him and his vampire spawned forces, most notably being the hearts of sorrow. Jimstones

enchanted with the power Stroud stole from you when you first came to Borovia. Liamann mentioned that the hearts could be removed from Strad, but at great personal risk. He then thanked Nyack for watching over his monkey piccolo, and as a thank you, helped Nyack transform his lumpy glass monkey sculpture into a lumpy glass familiar, capable of holding a spell inside of it. Yes. Nyack chose counter spell for his new friend

and also the name, Glassass. Great name. Two great choices back to back, if you ask me. Lumpy Glass Monkey is such a better name. That's actually really good.

Lumpy monkey. That lumpy monkey. Yeah, it's great. Oh, I was thinking loose booty. But you were thinking a different song. I was just how good the fucking name is. It just fits with everything.

Anyway, it's GlassSas forever. Liam and then teleported away to meet up with Esmeralda and you three began heading towards the catacombs of Ravenloft in search of the Amber Vault. And that is where we are now. So you are still in this dungeon cell. The air smells of wet bricks

and the sound of chittering rats dances on your eardrums in all directions. Is there anything else you'd like to do here or are you ready to head straight to the crypts? I think I'm ready. Yeah, unless there's, I mean, I guess I'll do a quick look around. Is there anyone else in here?

Any other hamburglers? I did do a look around. You did a look around? I did a look around, yeah. Okay, Onix did a look around. I guess we're good. I didn't even notice you did a look around. Yeah, I...

Okay, yeah. I did feel like it's just showing a little you trust me that you think I didn't do a look around. Okay. She definitely looked, dude. All right. Honix looked around.

Can I do a quick look around? Yeah, roll a D6. Three. You do a quick look around. You do a quick look around. You use your shadow ability to turn invisible so no one can notice that you're just quickly sprinting past all of the jail cells. And you look through them. You don't see much, but in one of the jail cells, cloaked in shadow in the back corner of one of the rooms, you see a Blackford werewolf with long, pale scars crisscrossing his chest.

He sniffs at the air, noticing someone there but can't see you since you're invisible and says, who is it? another minion here to torture me get it over with no it is your future wife onyx who are you talking to are you onyx what he said you had a look around you said you did a look around and then you disappeared and you were like really pissed off they were questioning you but then it seemed like yeah there was nothing it felt like there was nothing of a note from the look yeah okay because i was taking my time to give you my report i'm ready to give you my report there is a werewolf back here okay whoa Oh, are you the Alpha?

You there, your voices sound familiar. From Balaki at the abbey. Oh, were you there? Yeah, that's his son, is Chompo. You're right, yes, Chompo. I am Kiril Stoyanovich. I turned myself into Strad after our forces were defeated so that he would let Chompo and the rest go free.

And I've been down here ever since. Okay, well, we're thinking about killing Strad, so maybe we can, work something out here. Do you want to bite him really hard? I could certainly bite him really hard. Yeah. Okay. That's absolutely something I could do. Would you agree to your likeness being used in Spudfucker's promotional material? It's just, it's like we ask this of everyone. Right now we just have like a potato, but we're open to a werewolf. Okay. Universal license, by the way. Yeah. I think it'd be a really fun advertisement if you as a werewolf attacked a potato. And instead of

bleeding, it became a loaded potato. That's cool. I like that. Yeah, this potato will turn you into... You'll wolf out. You'll wolf down these potatoes. You know, you might be ready for an internship. Yeah.

You'll wolf it down. You'll wolf it down. Wolf it down. Hound out. Wolf it down, hound out. Okay. I actually love this. I love this direction.

We're going in. We get tap into sort of the. alpha sort of thing that's happening online. Oh, Kitchen loves that. Yeah. So I've been trying to get my fitness blog off the ground. Oh, did you think that I could like launch by like talking about how good the potatoes off your health? Yeah, we could go in on, yeah, carb loading and whatnot.

Carb maxing for that's what we're doing now. Stuff your potatoes, stuff your body. There you go. Okay, I let him out. That's good. All right. Yeah. Curl strides out.

He looks a little weak. He's been in here for a while. Look, go into the bone room. Take a short rest. Don't take a short rest in the servants' quarters, okay? Okay. I've got very good hearing, so maybe I'll just rest in there, and then when you need me, you can call me.

Okay. That's great. Sure. What name should we call you by? I mean, my name is Kirill, but if you want like a code name. Can we call you a big dog? Does that make sense? Oh, yeah.

All right, yeah. We'll sing, who let the dogs out. Oh, yeah, we'll say, and we'll say, and we need you, but we'll call you big dog and we're hanging out. Who let big dog out? Yeah, and then you will kind of signify your coming by going, who, who, who, who, who. You're easy, though. Okay.

Sorry, just excited. I'm going to see my boy again. I'm going to start a potato block. That's right. Reverse that order, but yes. Upstairs keychain's like, it's like they're always big dogging me in one way or another. I just don't know how. Wow, he's already talking about you.

Okay, we're going to go down to the vault. Awesome. Great. Wow, good role on that shit. Well, you know, it's so important to look around. So important to look around. That's why we wanted to do it. Yeah, I narrow my eyes at Onyx.

What the fuck is your problem? To be honest, I thought for a second, we were in the bone room. We've been in here for like a while. We had a whole fight. Okay, some of us didn't get to take a nap. Okay, hey, yeah, I kind of didn't either. Yeah, I barely took a nap. I was attacked by a broom.

We think, maybe. We don't know. Maybe. I don't know. The more I think about it. It just sounds so weird. Yeah. Well, at the very least I had a bad dream then.

Okay, so I slept badly. That makes sense. Okay. Actually, I really sympathize for that. Do you need to hug? Your neck is at 45 degrees. Is it? You should know that.

So you guys help Nyack fix his neck and then walk down a short set of steps to a large iron door marked with a skull. it appears to be unlocked. It appears to be unlocked. Okay. I stand back. Nyack, actually, Marina, open the door. What?

Cheers well in Nyack's eyes. Onyx looks indignant, but it's just for show so that she can be on any one side she wants to be. Is this like a rite of passage thing? Yeah, for sure. Nyack, are you sure you okay with this? Of course. Now you're on the bottom.

And I'm as high up as I've ever been. This is acceptance, okay? You're at the bottom of the popular kid hierarchy. Okay, I'll investigate it real quick, just to be sure. Yeah, be sure to do a good job with the investigating. Marina is so bubbly and happy about being asked to do a task for Jens that she doesn't do a very thorough job inspecting the door and says, okay, to the catacombs.

And she opens it, and as she does, you see two small hoses pop out of the, eye sockets in the skull and spray acid everywhere. Everybody give me a dexterity saving thing. Wait, I'm standing back. That's why I fucking sent somebody ahead. Was everybody standing back? For sure. I think I would have been.

Yeah. Okay, okay. I think so. All right, then this is just for Marina. She's got to learn. She doesn't even see the hoses pop out because she's just like staring back at you, giving a thumbs up. Hoses, watch out.

You're not being very thorough. Child by acid. She fails this. So she takes 15. points of poison damage. Oh my God. Or acid damage. I whispered to Jen's

Marina is better than a me chance. That's true. Yeah. Okay. This is interesting. Oh. Oh, gosh. Oh, geez.

That's tough. Are you okay? That really stinks. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I used my healing on whatever Liamon's name was. I just...

You said it. This is crazy. I thought, is my face red? It feels like, your face is, your face is gone. The parts of it are not peeling off, I read. You look younger. Yeah, you do exfoliation. It's really important.

Okay, if you're like in like three or four days when this finish is peeling, my skin is going to be glowing. It's going to be glowing, for sure. Are the hoses still out? No, you see they retract. Quick, Sprits. Okay, great. And the door swings open.

All right, great. Definitely run in as soon as like, Mario style, as soon as I see the threat, like, finish up to take like a breath. I run. Wow. I push Marina out of the way to run. Watch out. Here come the quadruplets.

Ha ha. Oh, it hurts to wink. It hurts to wink. So the heavy iron door creaks open, revealing a short stairway that descends into a cavernous room with arched ceilings supported by wide hollow columns. Cobwebs hang limp in the musty. air. A thick fog clings to the floor, which is covered in putrid waste. Ew. On each wall, you see rows of chiseled stone doors, all bearing a label. And to the left,

right, and center, you see massive marble archways. One white, one black, one gold. Okay. Okay. Can we look at the labels on the doors? Is this a price tag? I'm dying to know how expensive this stuff was. Yeah. nice to be buried in a sort of cool room, although the pew should waste on the ground isn't great. I'll be buried in a cool room. It's called Zissy. Yeah, I thought you might say that. Oh yeah, when do you want us to do that, by the way? Sooner rather than nice. Why? Why? I'm so down. I don't want you to forget. I'm going to send you a head at the acidosis. It's really nice, actually. I'm sure it will be. lips are just like chapped. Jins, it's very funny that you mention wanting to be buried here,

because as you explore these rooms, you do see three labeled Jins, Nyack, and Onyx. Hmm. Okay. Well, that's creepy. I go into Jensers. What? That's my room. Let's see if it's bigger than ours. Yeah. Does Jens have a nicer tomb than us? Jins. He better. What do you think Strod would decorate your coffin to be like, or your tomb? I think. He probably saw me jump into the Burger Masters' casket. So he probably thinks I like a similar casket. So exactly the same as the Burger Masters casket.

The finest versions of Is Mark's clothes line the room. Several pictures of the potato mascot of spudfuckers, but looking like super regal like a Victorian painting. Like a marble carving of Spuddy the Kid or whatever his name was. Right. The only other detail I'll add is that your coffin is set atop of a large altar shaped like a stone corvette. Whoa. Awesome.

Onyx, what do you think your crypt looks like? Okay, so since Drodden knows I want to be buried at sea, I think that he makes my coffin look like a cruise ship. So it's like a mini novelty cruise ship that the lid opens the top of the cruise ship. And he also knows I play as a saxophone. So there's just like so many saxophones around. And I think that maybe like the dressing inside the cruise ship coffin is like sea blue. Oh, wow. It's so nautical in here.

I just don't, I don't buy it, honest. I don't, you're just not that into the sea. Yeah, because I've never been. Okay. I feel like she talked about it like four days ago and hasn't really brought it up since. Or before, yeah. Marina, Marina, look me in the eye.

Where have you been? Have you been around us the past couple days? You know what, it's true. I wasn't there. Okay. Don't talk about what you don't have a authority to talk about. Much like the broom, I don't know if it happened. Nyack, what about you?

What's in your tomb? My tomb is decorated with like a mural of all of my, favorite, like my life flashing before my eyes, the highlights of my life, like Jen's giving me a half-hearted thumbs up. Jen's smiling weekly at me. Me giving Jen's a big hug and Jen's patting my back with just his left arm. And as I peek our head into it, I go, we probably don't have enough time to look at Nyax. You guys have to come. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. So you guys peruse these custom-made tombs. I'm going to get into my coffin.

Okay. I'm chilling mine, too. Hey, everyone. Okay, so I think what's happening here, now I know skipped the dinner with Stratt. I creaked the door and poke my head out. What's up? All right, cool. So this is what Strage wants, okay?

Strach was going to pitch to us that he was going to make us vampires and he was going to give us these tombs in his house. Okay? Sick. Okay. No, but we're big dogs, okay? Strad is trying to big dog us. Does that make sense? When you call someone big dog, that's cool.

That person is cool, but when someone tries to big dog you, that's not cool, okay? Because we're big dogs, okay? And if you're a little dog, stay on the porch. But we're a big dog. We get off the porch. We run down the street. We chase cars. We bark at people.

We bite people. Okay? Move over. And he wants us to be inside, kept in these kennels, right? New core memory unlocked. Yeah. Jen's calling me big dog. Yeah.

They don't have that on this mural. What do you think about that, big dog? Life's better on the outside, I think. Look in that casket. You like the kennel? You like the kennel in there, big dog? Huh? Woof.

No, sir. Woof. No, sir. Onyx, you like the kennel in there? Whip, no, sir. You're damn right, because you're a big dog. Marina. Woof, woof, woof.

Okay, yeah, cool. You didn't really have a kennel because you didn't have like your own tube thing. Why are you barking? You don't need to bark. I thought that we were all barking. No, that's all right, because sometimes big dogs have friends, okay? And those are medium-sized dogs.

You're a medium-sized dog, Marina, all right? I'm part of the pack, that's right. You're sort of part of the pack, right on. In the back. Okay? We're not going to let Strott big dog us. We're going to big-dog him. Let's go to this fucking gold area because that's where Sergey is.

I fucking guarantee it. Woo-woo. What me to inspect it before we go in, brother? Absolutely. Out of my way, Marina. Okay. Oh, my shoulder. I barely touched it.

He was Inns away. You're right. I'm sorry. Totally was. Okay, lead the way, Big Dog. Nyak recklessly pokes his head into the gold tomb. So you pass under this golden archway down another short flight of steps to a landing guarded by two golden statues. The statues are built into the sides of either wall, and from between them extends a blue curtain of opaque light. All right.

So statues, do you recognize them? Does they look like strad? Does they look like Tatiana? Does they look like Marina? Does they look like Sergey? They look kind of just like generic armor. But they do seem to be wearing, they're wearing the crest of Ravenloft. So you can imagine these are like modeled after the royal guards of the Zarovich family.

Okay, everybody. Get ready. We're going to stand 20 feet back. Get your weapons out. Okay. Everyone all good? Everyone all ready. Yeah.

I throw a rock at the... I could mate hand. I could mage hand. Okay. Throw me. Throw me, sword master. No, you're okay. Throw a rock.

Throw a rock? Cool. I throw a rock. You throw a rock. It boink, bounces off and lands harmlessly on the ground. Can I medhand and fluff its hair? Fluff what's hair? It's a statue.

It's a statue of a knight, but you can fluff its, it's got like a plume of feathers coming out of its helmet. You can fluff that. Okay, you fluff the plume. Try to grab its sword. Tickle it under his arm. Yeah, tickle it. Onyx, as you touch it, you hear a voice say as is spoken through a thick plate of armor. You may only enter here if the master of the castle wills it so.

You mean Sergei? I think you know who I mean. Let's not be cute. Okay, so actually really smart. What's your name? You're awesome, dude. What's your name? You're a big dog.

Wow, do you mean that? I'm France. Friends? Hi, friends. Okay. Hey, Franz. Franz, I think we could be friends, okay? And, you know, you're acting kind of like a little dog right now, okay?

I just told him he was a big dog. I know, and I know that because we know he's a big dog. We know he's a big dog. Deep down. You're acting like a little dog. I got to be honest here. Strage big dog in you. I understand that.

I hope Straub my life. I will stand firm in place, blocking entry to this tomb. for all eternity. Okay. Sorry, big dog. That's just how it is. Okay. Well, listen, little dog.

Yip, yep. Yeah. Oh, you're yippin. You're gonna keep on yippin. Okay. All right, Brons, let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

I'm trying to attack the statue, I guess. Your weapon like clangs off. But Jens, as you get close to the statue, I will say, beyond the curtain, you do hear a ragged, howling scream followed by a pounding of fists. Oh shit. Okay.

You know what? Dude, I'm going to, I'm going to dimension door inside. Dude. Can a dimension door in? Jens, why don't you go ahead and give me an arcana check? Okay. 19. Okay.

With a 19, I'll say you kind of get close to this wall and feel this curtain of light. There's some high-powered magic baked into this thing. It is like a very powerful sort of, dispelling effect that prevents anyone from entering by any means other than an invitation. Okay. Okay. So let's try another one. Okay. All right.

And as you go back out, give me one more perception check to kind of get a lay of the land as far as like what these archways are for. 14 for Nyack. Natural 20. Oh, okay. There we go. Jens, I'll say with a natural 20, you take a much closer look at these archways and you see kind of inscribed into each of them.

is the names of the occupants. It's kind of like hidden under layers of dust, but after you wipe it off a little bit, you see that this is actually, the gold archway is the tomb of King Barov and Queen Ravenovia. The black archway is the tomb of Strade, and the white archway is the tomb of Sergei. Oh, okay.

Sergei is where we need to go. So we'll try Sergey? Yeah. Yeah. Unless is there anything strategic to doing something to a vampires. I wonder, did Strad lose his soul? And now we could get his soul to like

let us in the shrine or the He probably knows what's going on with his coffin. We probably can't pull one over on his coffin. Okay, let's sprint down the white archway real quick to Sergei. So you head up the stairs away from Barov and Rabinovius'

tomb. As you do, Frans says, okay, see you later guys, you're not our front. Little dog. You're not our fucking Fron. Oh, come on. I haven't talked to anyone in like 30 years. Yeah, no wonder. I know I'm a little dog.

You blew it when you talk to us. I know I'm a little baby dog. Why he's thinking about this job? It shows you don't socialize very much. Come on. Okay, little puppy. Did any movies come out? A lot.

In 30 years, literally so many fucking movies. Oh, tell me about one. Okay, well, the departed. What's that? DiCaprio fucking dies at the end, dude. Eat shit, dude. I still haven't seen that. Yeah.

The statue shake a little. little bit and you see the other statue says, Shut up, Franz. As you walk away and towards the white archway, over this one, Jens, you swipe the dust away and see that in an ornate font is the words Sergei von Zarovich. And as you enter a stillness,

a calm amid the storm is felt here. In the center of the tomb, a white marble slab supports an intricately inlaid coffin. To the north, behind the coffin, are three alcoves. Angels are on the left and right, and a stunning young man stands in the middle. A small breeze issues forth from the center.

Well, okay, small breeze means open to the outside. I go to the breeze. Give me a investigation check. Okay, could someone help me? Yes, I give the help action. I take up binoculars. 19. With a 19, you inspect the angels and the statue in the center,

and then you realize you can twist the angel's heads. You twist them both away so that they're facing away from Sergei. And when you do this, the central statue slides aside, revealing a ladder going upwards. And you get the sense that this is not a ladder into an amber vault, but perhaps a ladder to somewhere else in the castle. Okay. Okay. Does it look like there is any other way to go down?

Yes. with a 19. I'll say, Jens, you also inspect the coffin in the center. Yeah, I'll crack it open. Just take a peek. Yeah.

You know Strada isn't left those bonds alone. Look how handsome Sergey is. I've got to see the body. Marina, why didn't you stay with this? Oh, well, it was another life and I think we desperately wanted to. Oh, okay. Look at the statue. Do you think he's cute?

I mean, yeah, like, check him out. It's like, maybe this is why I needed to get facial. Right, yeah. You don't really want to see him. Yeah, your lower lip is gone. Those grow back though, right? Yeah, for sure.

So yes, you go to this coffin and you very carefully, or not, I don't know, push the top of it off. And you see that inside of it is nothing. Ah. There's no body. It is an empty tomb. I'll hop in. Anything in there? Trick door.

If we were to push it choose aside, does it go down? As you're inspecting this, Onyx, you remember the words of Corvac saying, the Amber Vault won't open for anyone other than Straud or the one who dwells inside. Oh, I disguised myself to look like Sergei. There you go. Hey, Sergey. I try to help sell it. Yeah, I guess, okay, so we got Sergei now.

Do we want to just, like, real quick look up this ladder and see where it takes us? without like going nuts. I'll take a peek. No! No! Stip our Marina. Wait, the competition is good. Actually, this time, Marina, I think you deserve another chance.

All right. She rows at Nyax. I'll hold the ladder at Nyack as shaking it. Seems pretty steady to me. Marina kicks your face. She climbs up. My jaw. So Marina climbs up and then you hear kind of a like thumping

and then a slight... And then she climbs back down and says, So it's a trapdoor and it's underneath a rug. So I peeked up from the rug and I saw what looks like a study or something. There was a lot of books there. A study or something books? This is the... Did you look at all?

Rug question mark? Was it a rug or not? You know what? Why don't you just go play with your monkey? Don't bring glass ass into this. You didn't do anything to you. Right. All right.

I'm looking at it. It's okay. Don't get worked up. I'm looking at the book of Strach. Would you two little dogs quit yapping out each other? Yeah, Brita. You're a little dog. The big dogs are thinking.

I walk over to honor. You're a freaking chihuahua, man. I pull out the book of Strage. There is a study that's up in the throne room area. But we probably just want to go to the Amber Vault, right? I mean, it's up to you. I'm currently looking like Serge. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's do the Amberval first. Let's do the Amberval first. That's how we'll get back upstairs. And we'll take the stairs. will take the ladder. Right. Yeah. Okay.

This episode is brought to you by Mitt Mobile. Every group has someone who insists on doing things the hard way. That friend's still paying for a subscription they forgot they had, that one refusing to update their phone because it still works. Don't be that person, especially when it comes to overpaying for wireless. You can switch right now to Mint Mobile, and I bet you'll be glad that you did. You can stop paying way too much for wireless just because that's how it's always been. Mint exists purely to fix that.

Same coverage, same speed, just without the inflated price tag. The premium wireless you expect unlimited talk, text, and data, but at a fraction of what the others charge. And for a limited time, you get 50% off, 3, 6, or guess what, 12-month plans of unlimited premium wireless. Bring your own phone number, activate with ESIM in minutes, and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts and no hassle. With a seven-day money-back guarantee and customer satisfaction ratings in the mid-90s, Mitt makes it easy to try it and see why people don't go back. You know if I needed it?

I would be using it too. So when you're ready, stop paying way more than you have to. New customers can make the switch today and for a limited time, get unlimited premium wireless for just $15 a month. Switch now at mintmobile.com slash pawpaw. That is mintmobile.com slash pawpaw. Up front payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months plan required $15 a month equivalent. Taxes and fees, extra initial plan term only.

Over 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy, capable device required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. Additional terms apply. Cementmobile.com. Thanks, everybody. So, Onyx, as you disguise yourself as Sergei, what do you do? I take some liberties to make myself so fucking hot and ripped and just like huge outline of a package. Jesus.

That's a big dog. You're taller than the statue. And you're hung. I don't know that Sergio is eight feet tall. And a foot long. Okay. Yeah. I don't even, that wouldn't be comfortable.

Yeah. It's actually my biggest. curse, I say. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then I think I say, open for me. Sergei. Hot dog. Marina sweats a little bit.

And as you say, open for me, Sergey, and you stand over this tomb with the visage of Sergei, the floor of the coffin slides away, revealing a set of stairs made entirely out of amber. Okay. I'm just going to run down. Yeah. We all run down. We all going down.

Yeah. Guys, I think this is it. I think that's the amber vault. Awesome. So you run down. Can I do an inside check if it's the amber vault? I just, yeah. Another seven.

Get up that rolling seven. It could be the bronze vault. Shit. It could be the mustard vault. Yeah. The colors are pretty close. Jens. Mustard is the color of your energy.

As you descend down this golden amber staircase, you go deeper and deeper into the pillar stone of Ravenloft, eventually coming to a huge chamber seemingly carved from a single brick of amber. The walls are sculpted in strange geometric patterns like infinite pyramids rippling across a sea of gold. And as you enter the vault, you feel a dark presence probing your mind, trying to assess your worth. Everybody give me an intelligence saving throw. Oh boy. Seven. Nat one.

Oh, three. Okay, Marina got a 15. Great. Everyone fails. Cool. Everyone would take 27 points of psychic damage, but as this wave of psychic energy, but as this wave of psychic energy washes over you, as you feel this dark form clawing at your mind, attempting to assess your worthiness to enter this place,

Ah, I'm getting a migraine. The raven's egg starts to crack. You see all of this dark psychic energy swirling around it. It cracks more and more and more, absorbing all the damage you would take. And then, from the egg, a tiny baby raven with a crown of silver flames emerges. I am reborn. Ha ha! Thank you.

Onyx! You have helped. me greatly. I cannot help you any further as you descend, but thank you. You are an ally to Raven Tyne. Is that you, Corvac? It is me. I am reborn. I'm a baby. My God, that's so cute. You have a little crowd. You said you don't want to hang out a bit more. You're so cute. No, I must re-establish my dominion over this realm. Hang around. I give Corvac some of Nyak's food. I take out bird food. Hey, that bird food is mine. That's what I eat. This is delicious. Thank you. This is delicious. Thank you. Do you want to like smash glass ass or something?

Yeah. Well, you could meet glass ass. Please don't even just met you. You're so cute. Get that thing away from me. I have a throne that's been empty for 400 years. I must return. 400 years in the day.

Who's going to notice? What's the rush? What is this? You don't need a throne. You need a high chair. You need a high chair. Let us get you a high chair. I must feed on divine fish to grow and grow and grow and grow.

You're just a little baby. I must swallow my enemies. I can get you defined. fish. I love how we're just, we're fussing over our, over these sweet little familiars. Glass ass and this cute raven. Who? Who is Glassass? Who is my best friend?

Wow. It's okay, glass ass. Don't get worked up. Yeah. It's hard for you to breathe. Anyway, come find me at Luna Lake. I will live there until I am big enough to travel the world, back to the farewell where I'm from. Okay. Okay. We will go. We will come see you. Please stay small.

Still small. That's the thing I hate about animals that I grow up. Yeah, stay cute. I don't want this to be the last time I got to see you like this. Okay, just what do you want to stay tiny? That's so cute. Okay, so we're in like a dead god's ball or? Onyx weeps.

She misses Corvac already. Baby Corvac flies away and you find yourself. Onyx, onyx, look at me. What's the point of anything? Onyx, okay, because this is what happens, all right? Big dogs have puppies, and what do the puppies do? They go off and they become big dogs. They fly away.

Puppies fly away. That's right. They fly away from the roost, okay? Why do puppies have to fly away? Because big dogs can't stay on the porch, Anx, okay? All right? Puppies have to fly away so they can become big dogs. No, I don't want that.

I don't want the puppy to become a big dog. Okay, but we're all big dogs. Onix, okay? So we've got to be a big dog if we want to beat Strudge. Strasch. I go limp. Okay. You have to carry me.

That's okay. I would carry her. I would carry her. All right, Marina, carry onics. She's dince. Thank you. You make your way into this small room, and on the far wall, you see the surprisingly well-preserved body of a handsome young man clad in shining silver armor.

The corpse is sheathed behind a thick sleeve of amber, and its unopened eyes. stare regretfully forward at a small stone altar, upon which are set four black crystalline shapes. The shapes vibrate slightly and reflect an unseen galaxy of color. One is shaped like an eye, the other like a strand of hair, the third like a sliver of fingernail, and the final one like a tooth. Okay. Unlike the others, however, the tooth is. dull and unmoving. Well, the tooth one seems like a Marina thing.

I mean, yeah, Marina. You can have the tooth one. Eat the tooth one. I'll take the eye, I guess, over the fingernail. Yeah, okay. Yeah, let's do like a draft or something. Jenz goes first.

Do you see how they're vibrating? I don't know if we should touch these with our bare hands, let alone eat them. Yeah, well, you also didn't know if something was a rug before, so I don't really trust you that. Does it look like they're tactile, like we could take them out and put them into something else? Yes, they are large, but small enough that you could carry. But Onyx, as you go closer to inspect them, you hear a voice echoing in your mind.

And it says, wow, Onyx, you made it to the vault. You're killing it, babe. This is Ariana, by the way. Just wanted to remind you quickly, just grab the remnants of that unknown god. that are down there and do not accept any of the deals from that dark presence that lingers within them, okay? Okay, even to good ones? There are no good ones, but if you want to accept one dark gift, I think that would be okay. We call that a finder's fee, okay?

But any more, and, you know, we might have to renegotiate your contract. I met your ex. I met your ex. She's a baby now. She's so cute. Wow. I miss her already. She's a baby now? Yeah, she's a baby.

She became a baby again. Oh, that is. She's always doing that, you know? Okay, well, okay, so I'm going to collect these then. Is there a reason why? Because I'm actually, it's crazy that you reached out because I'm actually looking at the remnants right now. Uh-huh. The tooth isn't doing anything.

Yes. Oh, the tooth, the tooth has been drained of its power. That's the dark gift that Straud chose. Oh, okay, so these are kind of bad. But the eye one just looks cool. Wait, but how do we? I thought that these were the remnants. Where do we get the remnants?

These are the remnants. If you can collect them for me and bring them back, I'll have Bluetooth retrieve them once you're out of the castle. Okay, I'm going to dive for the eye. What? Hey! Jen's called dibs.

Both dive for them. Yeah, we'll roll initiative or something. Yeah. Okay. Nine. Fuck. I got a six. Okay.

I dove for the eye. Great. You dive for the eye. As soon as you touch it, You hear another voice in your head say, Ah, more mortals come to seek my power. I am Yag Zedun, the corpse star. I offer these remnants of my body to you as gifts

so that my dark will might live on through your deeds. Did you happen to have your eye on one in particular? The eye one. The fingernail. We just go for the, okay. Yeah, but when he talked to me, I realized I could do whatever else I wanted. Yeah, okay.

You look at the fingernail and it vibrates a little more. Oh, yes, one of my long nails. My body was nearly impenetrable. Take this nail and you can experience a sliver of my fortitude. And behind the screen, I'll say that taking this gift will give you 30 extra HP. Whoa. All right. But is there a way to collect it without accepting the dark gift?

Yes. You can collect them for Ariana without taking the gifts. You can double bag them in like two garbage bags or something like that. But Ariana has said that you can take one as a finder's fee, but any more. And that might be a breach of your contract. Okay. Everyone tried to suck out what they are. and then we can choose one of us to have one. I'll touch the hair.

I'll look at the eye, yeah. Okay. You look at the eye and the voice says, This eye can see beyond the grave. It will give you the power to revive someone other than yourself. Wow, this one's useless. And Nyack, you touched the hair, and it says, My hair once grew thick with filth and pestilence.

Yeah. Okay. It's weird. Weird. Weird flex, but okay. I am logs of two in the corpse star. Yeah. My name is woe.

Okay. Are you big dogging me right now? Yeah, I'll say woe to that. You big dogging yourself, okay? The entire chamber trembles. Dude, big dogged himself. This is insane. How about this, though?

It would allow you to cast contagion once a day. How about that, big dog? Okay, 30 HP just seems so much better than any of these. Yeah, I think so. If we can only choose ones, that should be the one. Okay. What did the tooth do? That is the one claimed by Stratt.

Its power has fled, but its dark will lives on. Okay. So let's bag them all up and give Onyx this nail, right? The fingernail feels, it feels good. Can I put it on as like a press on? Whoa, it looks like a fish hug. That's so good. Yes.

Onyx, you do that. It is this long black crystalline nail. As you go to put it on, it kind of like shrinks in size to fit. Which finger are you putting it on? I think my left pointer finger. Is that a Coke nail? And I'm just pointing at everyone with it. So, Onyx, you put this on and as you do, you feel your body flush with power and fortitude.

You have 30 extra hit points. but your body also becomes covered in thick scales my god look at me I look worse than Marina and a shell

you're a fucking turtle you're closer to the sea I'm closer to the sea I think I wanted this all along Jesus yes I'll look upon you shall know that my dark will lives on. Dude is a turtle with bad hair.

He was a turtle the whole time. What have I done? I tried to take it off. I tried to take it off. It will not come off. It's honestly not that bad. I was already planning to be buried at sea soon. Just do it sooner.

Okay. Oh, it looks, well, it looks better than my face. I'll say that. It for sure does. Get me a big robe so I can. hide my shell. I have a fucking shell mouth. Do you understand?

Yeah, we'll find you a cave, I guess. It doesn't even look cute like a backpack kid. It looks like a fucking shell. I have my hamburger cape still. It's a black and yellow cape. I'll put it around your shell. Okay, please do.

Does it look like does it hide it? It looks like you have a huge back, yeah. You look like when the Ninja Turtles would go up above the sewers to get pizza. Yeah, like when Raphael fought Casey. You're right. I'm a

Ninja Turtles. I'm a ninja turtle. I'm a ninja turtle. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's get this over with so that I can apparently go live in the sewer. Nyack is going to prison and I am going to the Sue. Okay. I don't believe it's come to this. Yeah. All right. Yeah. We'll figure it out.

Maybe when we get back to Trinnyvale, this won't be a thing. Jen, you won't look at me. Yeah. No, well, you know. You won't look at me. Look at me. No, I will.

I will. I look past her. It looks great. It's awesome. It has been a wonderful doing business with you. Why is your name's a corpse star? if you're just a weird turtle. Yeah.

It should be the tortoise star. Why? I thought maybe you would be evil and guzzan. Don't have hair. If they had hair, it would be weird, okay? You're fucking Ninja Turtle's O-C. I'm known by mini four. This is one of the many avatars I take.

I designed it myself. Sorry, to be clear, now that I have a fucking shell. Does this mean that you can also talk in my head whenever you want. See for yourself. You're a dick. You're a dick. You turn my friend into a turtle. Okay, I need to get drunk immediately.

Okay, yeah, well, let's not drink anything here. Should we go up to this study, perhaps, and see if there's anything to drink there? Is Onyx gonna fit? Fit my shell through the ladder. It's barely noticeable, but it's really big. I think if we like wax it down, it should fit. It should be okay.

Okay. I just started to stay dressed as Adam Sander and looking like Billy Elish. And now I look like a reject Ninja Turtle. No, you're Shelley Elish. Yeah, Shelley Eilish. That makes sense. But wearing the loose fitting clothing will be good over the shell. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Okay, let's butter Onyx up and let's go through the study rug. I, Ony's eyes go like glassy with dissociation. Maybe Ariela can fix it if you defeat Strad. I don't know. I don't know what power she holds. Maybe.

I can't even shrug my shoulders without my shell hitting the back of my neck. Listen, we'll go to the spa after this. I'll get my face fixed. We'll wax your shell. We'll get you looking good. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe I could just start collecting bumper stickers on my shell, like someone's guitar case and it would be a fashion statement. I think you have to lean in. Uh-huh.

I'm going to go check out the study. So you grab the other remnants. You've got them bagged up for Ariana, and you head up this ladder, Onyx's shell scraping along the way. Eventually, you do hit this little trapdoor a marina was describing. and you feel a thump, thump of a rug underneath,

you fling the rug aside and find yourself in a room with a blazing hearth rolling with waves of red and amber light. The walls here are lined with ancient books and tomes, their leather covers well-oiled and preserved through careful use. In the center of the room is a large, low table, waxed and polished to a mirrored finish. Seated at the table is a hunched man with gray hair and thitherly thick spectacles. He scratches in an endless scroll of paper with a dry quill pin.

Behind him, a huge painting hangs over the fireplace in a heavy, gilded frame. On either side of the frame are two torches, their golden light illuminating the carefully rendered portrait of Sergei von Zarich. There we go. Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah. Hey, hey, buddy. Oh, my God.

Sorry. Can I help you? Yeah. We're lost. Sorry, what's your name? Oh, I'm Leaf. Leaf Lipsage. Yep, I'm Strauss-A-County. Right on.

We're here for the painting. The painting that's being sold, I walk over and I start jostling the painting. Check the books. We're to auction this bad boy off. It's going to fetch a pretty penny. I immediately start chostling the painting and trying to look underneath it. Oh, excuse me, no, that is priceless. You can't take that.

I don't think it's up for sale either if I can check my books real quick. I kill this guy. You run over to attack him, and as you do, he presses a button under the table. Everybody give me a dexterity saving throw. Nice. 26. Nice. 18.

16. Oh, Marina got a 16, too. You all pass. You see some of the spines of the books flip open and poison dart shootout. Whoa. Hey, don't try to big dogs. Shit. You guys are fast.

You guys are really fast. We're big dogs. Please. Okay. And a big turrets. too. Yeah. I find some dim light and go invisible.

I've heard of box turtles before, but I've never heard of barks turtles. I'm sorry, please don't kill me. Okay. I'll tell you anything you want. Great. Yeah. Perfect. Well, don't tell us shit.

Just give us the painting, dude. Why do you want the painting for? Well, we have to tell you up first. Okay. I'm already tied up. You see, he holds up a manacle. He is chained to this desk. Oh, okay.

Start's forcing you to do this. Yeah. I wouldn't have killed you if I knew that. No. No. It sucks. My life is awful. Okay.

Why'd you fire the darts in us, man? I was told to fire the darts or I'd be killed. You were told, okay. Well, you don't have to listen to everything. But big dogs don't get told. They do the telling. I'm not a big dog. You're acting like a little dog.

I'm a tiny pop. Are you yipping? You sounds like you're yipping. All I hear is yipping over there. Okay. Well, we need to look under this painting. Okay, well. Yeah, I'll free you if you let us look under the painting.

I don't think there's anything under the painting, but, uh, listen, are you, Are you looking for the secret treasure? Yes. Yeah, we were... Obviously. ...told about it, yeah. I don't know how to get in there. I am just the accountant.

I'm not the treasure master. There hasn't been a treasure master here in like 400 years or so. I believe the last one fled from the castle, and he took the magic lantern with him that you need to open this vault. Oh, shit. I have the magic lantern. What? Yeah.

I pull out the magic lantern. Are you the new treasure master? You're damn right, I am. The new treasure master's a big dog. Woof, woof. Wow. Right this way, big dog. All right.

Don't step on the piss that I, a little dog, spilled everywhere. Okay, yeah, I step over the piss and pull out the lantern. That's a lot of piss, little dog. I had a big drink. You have a big dog bladder. So, yes, you walk over to the painting. Give me a perception check. Can I help with that by looking as well?

Of course. Mm-hmm. Oh, natural 20. Wow. Oh. Dude, with a natural 20, you hold this lantern up to the painting. And you see written on the painting, almost like in blacklight ink, is the phrase, when left becomes blue and right becomes green, the true treasure will then be seen.

Left becomes blue. Oh, the torches on either side. We have to change the color. Are there torches on either side of the picture? There are torches on either side of the picture. Below the picture is a roaring fireplace. Okay, so let's light those torches. Does anyone have like prestigiation or something?

Let me see. How do we make it blue? The candles are different color, right? Your candle is currently blue, but it used to be green. You remember Madame Ava switched its color. I have light, the light cantrip, and I can make light any color I desire. Oh, great.

And then I'll put the blue light on the other one. Yeah. Perfect. Yeah. Jens, you use your lantern to turn one light blue on the left. And Onyx, you use your cantrip to turn the right torch green. And as you do this, you see the fire erupts into a plume of rainbow smoke. And then you see a secret passageway leading into a dark octagonal room.

Okay, cool. Okay. So just the treasures in there? more traps. Is some weird little guy going to be in there that's going to shoot darts at us like you, you fucking freak? Listen. Do you want someone to peek in? Brother? Strauss said that I would get

my big sippies if I shot darts at you and also he wouldn't kill me. So that's what I'm working. All right. All right. Nyack, go in. Thank you. Daya confidently strides up looking back at Marina. Awesome. Yeah, you step through this fireplace

and into a large octagonal vault free of dust and cobwebs. The dome ceiling 40 feet above is painted black and sparkles with the display of stars in unfamiliar constellations. Barely contained within this vault is a square tower, 20 feet on a side and 30 feet high, with arrow slits on all sides and a battlemented roof. You peer through the arrow slits and inside you see a glittering horde of treasure that seems twice as big as the room you're standing in, but there is no means of entering. Okay. Start clawing out of it.

Do you want me to check for hoses again? Yeah. I want to have Marina do an investigation check? She got a seven. There's no door. I'll do an investigation check too. Okay. I will too, because I'm known to look around five.

I got a 17. Wow, yeah. Okay. I got a 22. With those rolls, you notice that there is like a small seam for a door, but there doesn't seem to be a door knob or a latch or any means of opening it, other than these small slits. Small slits.

Do we have anything? I mean, you said arrow slits. Nyack, can you shoot arrows into these slits? Yeah, I guess I could. Nyack also has a crossbow. I'll just absentmindedly fire a crossbow into it. You fire a crossbow in and you hear it plink on a pile. of gold coins, but nothing else happens.

Um, so you can go through. Can I misty step through? You can misty step, yeah. Okay, yeah. I'm gonna look through and then misty step in. You misty step in and find yourself in a massive treasure vault, littered with coins and items and more. And most importantly, you notice that the door opens from the inside. Oh. It swings wide. No, before I open it, I say, promise. me that some of us just goes to shell removal. Okay. Okay.

Some of it, yeah. Sure. Like, no, no, no. We cover the cost. We covers a cost of my pristine shell removal. That's okay. Like four weeks. Shell removal comes out of, out of the gross.

Okay. Then we divide it up after that. Okay. Okay. I'm right. I promise. I promise. Because the shell is gross.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Um. I open the door. Marina, that's your shelf. So you open the door and you enter Lehmann's mighty vault. It is a massive bank vault built into a much smaller tower. And inside you find a ton of treasure.

50,000 copper pieces, 10,000 silver pieces, 10,000 gold pieces. 1,000 platinum pieces, 15 assorted gyms. A plus two shield emblazoned with a stylized silver dragon, That is the emblem of the Order of the Silver Dragon. Shit. It whispers warnings to its bearer, granting a plus two bonus to initiative. If the bearer isn't incapacitated. It also contains an alchemy jug, a ruby encrusted helm, a rod of the Pactkeeper plus one.

Oh my God. Four potions of greater healing. Yes, dude. And deeds and titles to all of Doltr von Holtz's real estate properties on Lake Zarvich. I pocket the deeds. That's worth more than anything. What is his gem helm? I look at the gem helm.

God damn it. I was hoping you wouldn't inspect that. Go ahead and take a look. Great. This is the helm of blazing radiance. It can cast a wall of fire once a day. It grants fire resistance. It sheds light in a 30-foot emanation.

And most importantly, you can use your action to cause the weapon to burst into flames and deal 1-D-6 fire damage, extinguishing it with a bonus action. Whoa. It matches. Flame tongue is real. Yeah. All right. I put the helm on.

You put the helm on and your sword burst into flame. Yes, dude. So as you guys fill your pockets with as much treasure as you can carry, you get the scent you're probably going to need to come back to here after the deed is done. Sure. Yeah. You do see one last thing. You see a small table with a large board full of writings and drawings been to it.

The writings are all listings of births in the various villages of Barovia. And the drawings are pictures of Sergei. as a child and young adult. Across the board, written in blood, you see the phrase, he's never coming back. Oh. Oh, wow.

Has he been like reborn and Straud keeps getting rid of him? Or maybe he's trying to, maybe he feels guilty about it and he's trying to see if his spirit is reincarnating, but it hasn't. Yeah. All of these notes, they seem to be about children,

who have been born, but then Struthers Xing out descriptions. Oh, is he stopping him from being reincarnated? I think I get the sense that... Or always keeping track. Yeah. He was attempting to find him again, but maybe... Maybe that is the true nature of the curse.

Guess he shouldn't have killed him. Is Mark, is Mark anyone? Is his Mark in one? Yeah. Oh, look, there he's in the corner. It's just like unrelated. There's like a little dis next to it. Oh, shit.

Oh, he's just another shithead reborn. Okay. Does anyone want this shield? Because the shield is fucking sick, but I don't have, like, dual wielding is kind of my thing. Yeah, I use a big weapon. Yeah, I wield this blade. Yeah, I don't know.

Can I wield it if I have a bow and arrow? I don't think so. Boy, arrows do hands. Yeah. Oh, boy, I guess I could just not do my offhand attack and have this fucking sweet shield. It would be an honor to be wielded by you. Oh, no, the shield talks.

I will tell you if there's danger. Hey, quit sucking up to him. that's my thing. We can share secrets if you wish. Okay. No, no, I'll share secrets with him. He's fine. He doesn't need to know your secrets.

He's guys pretty fucking sweet. So am I. I have a fetish for when the toe is longer in the middle. Oh. Long middle toe. That's my thing. What's your thing? I think that's fucking hot too.

I'm going to wear the shield on my back. All right. We're wearing a gem helm from his vault. wearing the shield on my back. All right, everyone, let's go to dinner. Yeah. I think I'm as ready as I'm going to be. It's just so different than when we got any.

Are there any gowns in this vault? Yeah, sure. I would say that this is like all of the hordes of treasure. Strata's collected over 400 years. Anything of value is here. There's other gems too. You could just like throw on like multiple ring on every finger. Right, but I'm trying to figure out how to make the shell work.

Okay. So maybe I just like put Christmas lights on it. We could we could like cover it in rhinestones and gemstones. Rindones, gemstones and Christmas lights. Yeah, they're glittering extra. Do shiny Moana style? Yeah. Yeah.

My pockets are overflowing with land deeds. This has been a massive land grab for nine. I will take Zepecta's a rodkeeper. Oh. And maybe put it through my shell kind of like a Ninja Turtle. Holy shit. And you said there were potions too, right?

Yeah. Maybe you should take it now. I am pretty fucking hurt. Oh, yeah. Hit by that armor. Yes. Hopefully, Keeching can make some more potions for us when we meet up with them, but it would be good to heal now.

Yeah, why don't we all? The smallest of the dogs. Why don't we all keep one on us? Okay. Yeah, that's good. I might drink my greater healing right now. That's what. Don't we have some potion that gives like flying?

Yes. Oh yeah, we have the haste one. Can I like prepare an action for like the second we roll initiative to take the potions or something like that? Okay. We obviously come from the upstairs. So you guys walk out of this treasury past Leaf who says, oh, looks like you found a pretty good hall there. Sure did. We'll be back for you.

If we kill Stroud. Okay, put in a good word for me. Won't. Yep, yep. You shouldn't have done the dart thing. Yeah, that was such a. not a good idea. Fine, I'll do a dart on me

just to make it even. No, don't do that. No. All right, well, fine. He takes two damage from the dart. Okay. It lands right between his eyes. Wow, wee.

That stinks. That could have been really bad. Yeah, that could have hit brain. Yeah. All right, we have a dinner to get to. Okay, enjoy. I'll be here, chained to a desk. Right on.

Wait, as we walk, are there other things that we should be taking? Don't we have the silver bulbs and stuff like that? Protection from evil and good. Oh, yeah. Let's grease up our blades. Yeah, let's grease up our blades. You guys are out of the blade oil.

You used it all in the Gothiastri battle. Got you. You do have two dashes of spice left, and that works as a protection from evil and good spell. And the potion we have, is it haste and fly or just haste, one haste and one fly? It's haste and fly. Okay. So I would take it, but is there someone else that it?

It makes sense. Why don't you do hasten fly and then me and Nyack will take the secret herbs and spices? Okay. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, that sounds good.

Great. I just snort a line of herbs and spices. Woo! Now we're partying. I'll do a gummy. Nyack licks his finger and puts some on his teeth. So you guys, get ready to party.

You head out of this study and into a massive throne room. You see a broken glass window full of shards of stained glass that flashes brightly alongside the lightning from the storm outside. You see a large wooden throne facing this window. And towards the back of the room, you see the spiral staircase,

which leads back down to the main floor and the dining hall. Let's do it. Okay. All right. You guys head down the stairs and back into the dining room. And as you arrive, you see the zombie bellhop issues you in and says, right this way.

The expecting is mastering you. Oh. Fuck. Jeez. Wow. I might leave. I might head out. That was off.

Sorry, I think I'm in the wrong place. This is so unprofessional. I'm confused. Yeah. Oh, my God. The queen of all turtles. He bows. Yeah, bitch.

That is exactly where I am. Don't look directly at her. Don't stare. Okay. If you come to the sewer, you kiss the ring. Kiss the bejewed shell. I heard you're not supposed to kill. Just turtles because of disease.

Why don't you try to find out? He goes prone. You walk past him and into this massive dining room and see that Straud is still tirelessly playing the organ. Overhead, three enormous chandeliers shed light on a grand table laden with a variety of foods that have since grown cold. But as you enter, the figure at the organ. suddenly stops. And as a deep silence falls over the dining hall, it slowly turns towards you and smiles.

Welcome, friends, to my home and yours. Welcome to Castle Ravenloft. The vampire strides over to the dining table and gestures for you to join him. You see, Marina has already put her blindfold off. Okay, yeah, please. It is so nice of you to join me. It's so good to finally be here.

Good to get here. Yeah. I'm happy to be here. Traffic was insane. Yeah, I try to sit down with the giant shield on my back. Sorry, we were late, but we just got here, and we got here as fast as we did. I think there was maybe like an accident, like maybe some sort of horse garings. And the other thing.

I know. It's crazy. In the thunderstorms. I thought there was going to be valet, but the parking was kind of an issue. Yeah. We ended up having to park. I think a lot of these like GPS is as the crow flies. More like as the raven flies, Raven Loss.

Yeah. Yeah, let's have dinner. Anyways, I'm famished. You look good. You look very good. All of you. This is sincerely complimented. Really?

Thank you. Anyway, as I said, it is very nice for you to join me. Especially you, Tatiana. As I mentioned, I have come to a realization. He gestures for you all to sit, and he sits as well. He picks up a glass of thick red wine and swirls it and says, The fiery drama you have brought to this land. It entertains me greatly.

It has even touched the soul of my sweet Tatiana and made her even more beautiful. I'm a big dog now. Indeed you are. As each day passes, I find myself growing more enamored with you. At first I was disgusted with myself. How could I sully my love or Tatyana with his thoughts? He pauses, then gestures all around. But then, I remembered.

I am Count Strad von Zorovic, the lord and keeper of this land. Everything I want, I shall have. I need not settle. And that is why, in addition to making Tatiana my bride, you three triplets shall be mine as well. Forever. Suddenly, the chandeliers chime loudly as six vampire spawn

crawl out from their hiding places. I chugged my potion like a vitamin shot. Sorry, vitamin D. It's so important. As they skitter down the walls, Straud turns to you and raises a toast. Now please, enjoy your dinner. And when you're done, meet me in the catacombs. I've prepared rooms for each of you.

We know we've been there. Jens! He seems not to hear you and drinks his wine and lets out a long laugh. Have you ever wondered if maybe your brother isn't reincarnating because you won't stop harassing his ex-girlfriend? His laughter grows louder and louder, shriller and shriller, and you watch as Strah melt away, revealing himself to be nothing more than an illusion here to distract you, as the vampire spawn crawl down and doors shut throughout the castle. A fierce bone-chilling wind rises up, roaring through the hall, putting out all open flames. You hear the screech of ancient hinges

and the solid thud of heavy doors slamming one after another. As the laughter echoes through the chamber, you hear the tired groan of the door closest to you swinging shut, trapping you inside. But then, at the last minute, it. A metal paw pops into the room and blocks the door, keeping it from closing. Keychain pushed the door open as Esmeralda

and Liam Un run into the room. Thank you for rescuing my master. We'll handle these vampires. You guys need to go find the real strad. I'm going to stay here too. I've been way too hung up on your approval and I need to prove that I can stand on my own. It's time that this big dog got off the leash.

Woof, woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, keychain. Keychain hands you his last three potions, howls loudly, then pushes you out the door as they begin battling these vampire spons, and you make your way towards the catacombs once more where you know the true strad awaits you. And that's where we'll end our session.

Here we go, baby. I knew we shouldn't have gone to dinner. I tricked you. We didn't even get to have apps. Yeah, so that would have just started out our night. You were right, Jen. Yeah, it is true. We can talk more about how this might have gone down differently on the short rest.

If you want to listen to that short rest, you can go to patreon.com slash nadpod. That's an ADD POD. But please, please, I beg you. We are. We are. No, please. I won't do it. Oh, I'm just a little dog.

I'm pissing. I'm pissing. Folks, instead of pissing, how about we do some plug-in? Anyone got anything? Yes, we've got live shows coming up. Sydney, Australia. We're going to be at Sydney Opera House, March 16th. It's the only show we're doing in Australia,

so get your tickets for that. We're also going to be at Radio City Music Hall in New York on April 10th. That's the only show we're doing in New York. So be on the lookout for that. Nadpod.com slash live. Yes. Sweet. And you can follow us on social media that we may or not use.

At Cajm first me, at Caldez Call the Wall, at your experts Emily and at Jake or it's Jake or it's Jake or it. And you can talk about the show online using hashtag NatPod. That's any D-D-D-P-O-D. We are, we are, we are, we are, the youth of the nation. Hell yeah, folks, the end of the show has come, which means it's time to shout out our benevolent Council of Elders. Let's get right down to it.

Brad D. Jeffrey S. Lord of the Fjord. Later, McS. Matt M. Cutter W. Daniel G. Daniel the dastardly dame. Carpe Liam. Victor T. aka Balnor's boy. Hoyd's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster.

T.J.M. Trey L. Tray. The Cray. Drohi. Now you have to say it. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald. Tar Got. Stevie Wags.

Hellish Rbuquer, the NBDMPHD. Jack L. Nicholas C. star of every film ever made in Bohumia. Mike H. Alka Smelzer Plus. Great Value Gemma Tyler F. Hercule Paul

Zillabot folk detective. Timmy R. Jake's jerk jelly hashtag CCC. Cascatboard Casse. Stephen C's drunk monk says honor the cork. Yes.

Nick W. Nico the underpaid English teacher. William W. Big Bad Beardo the Mad. Percival, Frederickston von Musil Klosowski de Rolo the third.

Jay Dragonborn, Guardian of the Vibe, honoring the cock. Impressive Dongle. Bin A. Dave H. Not that, Nick. Danny F. Hawkeye Pierce. Big Bad John. D.P.C. is awesome. A brand new wife. Shone, the shade tree mechanic of Zeldar.

Summer Rose, aka Grand Terre. Mark the Dark Lord's Taint. Cat C. Misaa of House Inswe. Arril, the occasional mermaid. Selina N. aka. Valaci Raptor. B. Perky always.

Pat L. Lauren H. Serve 16. Annie, the Faywild therapist. Perugie Frenzy. Bioquart 7. Trubb Hopdropper. Jack Hubert, King of the Mole People under Iron Deep, dressed in blue and fighting his way through a bracket-style tournament.

Valen. Paj, the bitch and bunny bard. Druidic Payton. Carlin C. Omri M. Noah the Gentleman Fister, hashtag honor the cock. James G. Everything Bego, the Eladron who just wants to hang out with his pet badger stripy.

Reverend Chatterbones. Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha. Han. Eric B. Marcos Ph.D. Eventually. Learns the balance druid. Frida M.

Maggie. Holly the Green. Ha ha ha ha haina. Papa bambino in chinos Bud heavy Russell H Cody C Lorelei the succubi

and Kira the succulent snack Ellen S Your friendly neighborhood Yon and Uncle Andrew and Sid Fun in the snow Now back to the show Mr. Adams James F

Wayfarer Now has to do something with the trolls Get rid of them Turn to page 42 Keep them You know you got to turn to page 69 Soft Loo's uncertain hand

Oreo Barpo Good Barrel Bard Barian Charlie Brown's best friend Renee the monster captain Olivia the enchanting Bard and Jared the soap opera cleric who are prepping an epic playlist

for the final battle Blue Ash Fico J Kegard The Sugar Bomb Fairies are out caroling happy Hogletays Cantrip Dumbledore, the bear onesie-wearing barbarian. Lexi H. M.J. the BF.G.

Roger L. Nodrog, the pass-off fist, barbarian. Brian L. and Eric B., two running buds. Jean-Lucca, Leon Cumori, legendary hero of Bohumia from a future campaign. Shananagan's O'Connor. Mios, the Great. Joshua S. Alexander. Sky the Wise and former lone dungeon master. The spudfucker himself, Johnny Dutke.

The mischief of not buts familiar's. Jake Well Murphily. Tim M. Dragon Knight 86. Richard. Strangle, the main event. T.R. MLG. Cheeto.

Shell B. Kenneth's first-fave Sprite Girl. Surprise round Battle of the Brands Spudfuckers first Parm Charm. who comes out on top. Spudfuckers has my heart and also a controlling share of the profits, so I've got to go with the spud. Jet S.

Snailess, the Eldridge snail. French toast is my wife, Jake. How could you? Stormy 52. Mimascaris. Megan N. Anthony B. B. Belnor's best friend, Steve.

Stephanie of House in Zunza. Benjamin A. Gimley, the Quarthe. Corgi, Papa, and Foster's canine friend. McKell A. Triple S-tier, Crickwater, and Joyer. Josh Holt, pilot of the Nightmareverse Flight. The two crew blew through.

Ethan the Mailman. Maple, the shy bookworm. Nick A.J. Ashosaurus. Seth, the stroker, bearer of all hog-related burdens. Billy Batson. Tori, the tungsten dragoose, warily watching the warehouse of wily Wild Water Wardens.

Michael L.S. the second. Carl B. Plumber of the Realm. Ace D. Streg's High Lord of Critsburg. Then diagram. D.M. Charby. Cadmilius the consumed. Cam, the Froglete's man. Dean. Jake W.

Hi, Mom. Tuesday Cross, only here for the surf and mirf. We love you, Rat Jesus. Smores, Tyler McKim, G.A. Dow, Zibby-de-Backery, Kaylee, Katarina C., Carly C., totally, definitely, not the Grinch. K.C.J., Pawpaw's Litigation Associate. Greg W., there's so many of us now, but hey, you're doing great, and we love you. Baruch Thunderhelm, Fifth Generation Minotaur, working as an abandoned Labyrinth Tour Guide. Chupacabri.

of the schooner Louis R. French. Boney is dead. The Waterworth, your four-legged Greg companion. Nick, the raging ranger, echo Ashmore. A.E.G. 15, Kunari. Watch me kick-flip my meck. Holy shit. That Gundam did a 1080. Not a DJ, but we'll still take the gig. DJ Dramamine.

Chef Julie B. Mama Mayhem, but moderately touted. Gin's rule. Kinda, Thomas C, Little Dark Lotus Creations. Kendra Miller, Joshua H., Jacob M., Lou H, A. J., A.J., B. V., Prince Lagathor, the third. Shinka Kitsune, or Skylar, the only male Kitsune in Bohumia, Laini S, toxic ghost, and Daniel M. Woo, that is all of our elders, folks. Thank you so, so much for your continued support.

If you would like to join this illustrious council, you can do so by going to patreon.com slash nadpod. That is going to do it for us today, but we'll be back here again next week with the finale of Strad, so get excited. Thanks so much for listening. It's been a pleasure. We'll see you then.

Bye-bye. That was a hate gum podcast.