Not Another D&D Podcast - Trinyvale X Strahd - Ep. 3: Ismark the Lesser

Episode Date: July 11, 2025

On the hunt for the Burgomaster’s secret recipe, the Triplets delve deeper into the town of Barovia and uncover secrets of another sort entirely! Jens gets a taste of the past, Onyx becomes a BoyMom and Nyack plans the most macabre party possible as the Trinyvale X Strahd collaboration continues!Support Us on Patreon! - Patreon.com/NaddpodCREDITSEditing by Brian Murphy & Caldwell Tanner Production and Sound Design by Daniel Ramos (@Schubirds on IG)Logo Design by Chelsea LeCompteMusic / Sound Effects Include:"Trinyvale Opening Theme" - Emily Axford“Selfless” by Emily Axford“Moonsick” by Emily Axford“Journey of the Three” by Jens Christian Tvilum“Barovian Tango” by Emily Axford“The Little Moon” by Emily Axford“Sweeping Up the Shards” by Emily Axford“The Night Lotus” by Emily Axford“The Gate” by Emily Axford“A Memorable Feast” by Emily Axford“Strahd” by Emily Axford“Oh Melora” by Emily Axford “Lights Out” by Emily Axford“The Wisdom of Neddas” by Emily Axford“Obsidian” by Emily Axford“The Shard” by Emily Axford "Trinyvale Closing Theme" - Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This is a Head gum podcast. Welcome to Barovia. Barovia. Barovia. Barovia. Barovia. Switched it up on you guys. That's right. Just a little DC 10 intro trap for you there when you all pass with flying colors.

I'm fucking sweating. I didn't know what to do. Yeah, I barely passed. You were clinching your jeans. Yeah, this is why we're improvisers. Well, now that we are all warmed up, folks, it is so exciting to be back with episode three of Trinnavale Extraud.

I am your Dracula uncle, AKA Drunkle, sticking with that, Caldwell Tanner, joined as always by my peculiar players, Brian Murphy, bringing disaster to the burger master, Jens Lindell. Damn, I have a burger master rhyme too. Caldwell spelled something. I didn't spell, I just hit my clipboard. Yeah.

You spilled your clipboard, dude. Spilling dice does not fucking count, and now we have to leave this in. Well, there was no way not to do it. All right, other intro, Emily Axford. I don't have a burger master, okay. Having fun with my gen alpha son, Onyx Lumiere. Now he's gen alpha?

Yeah, I decided after we talked on the short rest, I was like, I feel really strongly, I have a really clear picture of Bluetooth, and he is firmly gen alpha. I was saying that during the show, not just during the short rest. But then when we talked about it on the short rest, I was like.

We won you over eventually? I was like, yes. And the thing is, Bluetooth has an old soul, so sometimes he seems Jen. So his name is Jen Z, but he's Jen Alpha. Right. So fucking confusing. But he is obviously Jen Alpha.

So fucking confusing. And here to cut through the confusion is Jake Hurwitz. Arrow Blaster hunting the burger master, Niaq of the Ranafor. Wow, beautiful. A sandwich intro, two burger buns, and my Jen Alpha meat in the middle. Is a hamburger a sandwich?

Thank you. I'm just kidding, I'm just doing bad topics of conversations for a TikTok. So random. That's like, I got like a riddle guy in here that was gonna say exactly that. I'm fucked, I gotta replan the whole session. Guys, it's a hot dog sandwich.

It's soup and dinner. So while I replan everything, because Murph just spoiled it all, how about a quick recap? Let's do it. Yes, please. When last we met, our ridiculous triplets had just passed through the gates of Barovia boiled at all. How about a quick recap? Let's do it. Yes, please. When last we met our ridiculous triplets had just passed through the gates of Barovia and into the land of Strahd Von Zarovich.

As you walk down the Svalich road, Jin's caught the scent of death and you notice three corpses a little ways off the trail. Upon investigating them, Nyak found a jar of pickled ghouls tongues, and he and Onyx proceeded to tongue them right back. You also found replacement weapons for the ones you left at the Night Lotus, but when you tried to take them, the corpses rose from the dead and attempted to steal your lives in return. Using the Mistis cover, you escaped and returned to the road, where

you took a short rest to lick your wounds and, in Onyx's case, manifest a new familiar. And so, with your Jin Z, Jin Alpha, packed of the chain imp Bluetooth, aka Jin Z, by your side, you continued down the trail. Using a lantern Gen's found in the mud, he lit the way and you quickly arrived at the village of Barovia. Once inside, Onyx and Nyak's disguised themselves as the dead bodies they found in the woods for some reason. Wow, this is so fun that we both have it now. That can be like your thing, it's fun.

Yeah, we played dress up. Yeah, finally a little Onyx Nyack episode. Also, we can both disguise ourselves as gents. Why? For what purpose? Why did you even dress up as these people in the first place? Imitation is the best form of flattery. It does eventually get us in trouble.

Keep going, Goldwell. Donning your disguise as you burst into the blood on the Vine Tavernvern demanding vegan food for free Your presence caught the attention of a dour man named is mark He recognized your disguises as the faces of his missing friends Dalvin and Corga or dolphin and corky as you called them And asked if you've been able to place the burger masters notice on the gates as you chatted over a pile of Ark the bartender's homemade nut cheese, you realized that Ismark is the Burgomaster's son and that he also bears a grudge against Strahd, whose minions and monsters have been harassing his family for

weeks. When you mentioned you wanted to kill Strahd as well, Ismark grew worried and suggested you move the conversation to the Burgomaster's manor. Upon arriving, you caught a glimpse of his sister, Marina Kuliana, who was mentioned in the letter you took from the corpses. You showed Ismark the letter, which made him grow suspicious. He asked, why didn't you pin it to the gate, like his father asked? One nat one deception check later, Onyx commanded Bluetooth to attack him, and Ismark drew his sword in return. And that is where we are now. Okay, Ismark, you need to calm down, I say. I need to calm down?

As I try to hit him with the butt of the sword. Look, we have to knock him out and tie him up. That's the only way we're gonna be able to explain this. I don't know, who are you disguised as? You're aggressive. You're escalating things. Time out, time out, I say, trying to stab him with an arrow. There's no reason for anyone to disguise themselves as anything. We are guests at the resort. I Don't even have a weapon

attack Bluetooth Okay, everybody roll initiative for me, please oh Oh my god 14 19 7 Alrighty Dear. Oh my god. 14, 19. Seven. Alrighty. So here is where we stand. You are all in front of this ancient mansion covered in chipped paint and dying ivy. There's a rusted iron fence about 30 feet back and four sets of board covered windows on either side of a large door which is marked now guards. Before the door shut you caught a glimpse of a woman

with striking features and auburn hair, but she scurried deeper into the house as soon as Ismark shouted. Ismark points a long sword at your chest onyx. You see angry flashes of red sunlight glen off the blade as his hand quivers. Are you in league with Strahd? Tell me, tell me now!

The manager? No, I'm coming to complain to him. We hate the manager. This has been a terrible stay. We're trying to get your burger restaurant back on track, you moron. What burger restaurant? You make no sense!

We have to knock you out! We're not thinking clearly. Is Verghada's own restaurant. I do not know your plan, but clearly you are not allies of mine. So he prepares to attack, but Nyak you were first in the initiative. Okay, I'm going to cast Zephyr Strike, which is going to give me some movement where I won't get an opportunity attack. And I'm going to retreat back towards the rusted gate.

Okay. And just kind of put my hands up and just be like, we were joking. We were joking. You were joking? Oh my God. You were joking. You were taking it so seriously.

When you stole the faces of my dead comrades and wore them around, who are you? I don't know why they did that. I don't know why they did that. If I were to die before I had them bury me at sea, I would want them to wear my face. We're not burying anyone at sea. The sea is far away.

What is the sea? What is that? I don't know. I'm on your side. Sorry, you've never been surfing? I've heard legends of a large, large lake, a lake larger than any. Would love surfing.

What is surfing? What are burgers? Who the fuck are you people? Look, my name is Jen. I'm staying at the hotel. This is surfing? What are burgers? Who the fuck are you people? Look, my name is Gens. I'm staying at the hotel. This is Onyx. She's staying at the hotel. This is Nyack.

He's also staying at the hotel. I haven't dropped my disguise. Yeah. Look, we ran into your friends. We thought that they were helping build the new building at the resort. Instead, they were dead, and they honestly were kind of rude. They attacked us, they were zombies.

So we came here, looking to use our meal plan as part of the all-inclusive, get a little bit of food. All we're doing is trying to get to the manager so that we can complain because the power went out in our yurt, and somebody named Reagan, who honestly has stolen my style because we have the same jacket. Do you know Reagan? Do you know Reagan?

Do you know. Do you know Reagan? Do you know Reagan? Gonna do a history check. No, no, I don't know Reagan. Is this another person whose face you've stolen? Are you wearing Reagan's face now? Hold on. We don't do that all the time.

I do, I'm gonna turn into Reigen. I'm gonna disguise myself as Reigen. Okay. Oh, that's Reigen. You've never seen Zeus? That's Reigen. That's Reigen. He looks like Zeus.

I have mask-a-many faces, so I can do it at will. He squints and says, oh, a mist elf. I've heard of them, but but no I do not know this face oh okay so he acted like he worked at the place but now someone who lives near the manager has never seen him did Reagan even work at the place? Was Reagan just an insane guest? Trying to get us to put all our stuff into a box, which we did. Were they just to steal our stuff?

Did we get robbed? I am still very mad at you and I have a lot of questions. What did we do? We didn't kill your friends. We just dressed up as them, as a goo. Well, I don't, look, I'm in agreement with you, Ismark, about these two. I don't know why we would have to do disguises.

It just, it didn't make any sense to me, literally at all. So, I don't know, if you wanna hit them a couple times or something, that's fine with me. I won't. How about this? It was actually, we were doing it out of reverence so you could see your friends one last time. Yeah, it's actually a burial rite that is cultural.

Well, now I'm not going to touch it. So, Nyak, for your turn, you went back towards the gate. Did you want to make like a persuasion check or anything, or do you want to, Jynns is next in the order if you want to let him try. Yeah, I'm gonna try to- Could you just give me the help action and both of you shut the fuck up?

No. Let me think about that because I do have minus one to my first- Consider it, consider it. Nihak, I believe in you. Why? Why do you believe in him? Okay.

Yeah, you know what? I'm just gonna throw my hands up and say, Ismark, if you don't think this is funny, then I just, then I give up. And I'm gonna try to do a persuasion check. Were you? Did you guys think it was funny? That's a 13.

Yeah. Yeah. See? What? Was it a joke? Is it? Have we not suffered enough? Ismark, I, they didn't tell me it it a joke? Is it? Have we not suffered enough? Isburk, they didn't tell me it was a joke.

I don't know. Nyak just mouths wow. I don't know who you are or where you're from, but this is not the way jokes are done. I can't explain it. I can't explain what they've done. This is a very grim land, but even here we know what jokes are. This does not seem like one.

Nayek pantomime pulling his shirt collar and gritting his teeth. You know, now I just feel like I need to kill you because it would be doing the world a service. No, it's fine. Nayek, is there anything else you want to do on your turn? I think you- No, I'm going to sit down cross-legged in the dirt and shake my head. Great.

Oh, hold on. Let me roll one more thing. Sorry for not helping, Gens, but Onyx egged me on. Honestly, it was perfect. Gens has a terrible headache. He just rubs his temples. Honestly, it was perfect. Jens has a terrible headache. He just rubs his temples. You did drink a lot of wine at the bar. My god. My brother's dehydrated.

Let us into your home. Jens, it is your turn. If you'd like to make a perspiration check. Yes, I would. Okay, look. I'm looking here at your burger restaurant. I gesture to his mansion. Clearly things have fallen apart.

Okay, so maybe restaurant is your word for mansion. I get it now. We have a lot of sympathy for mom and shop pops that get put out of business by large corporations that frankly don't know how to run a business. They don't know hospitality, okay? We had a yurt, we paid for the premium yurt, we paid for the all-inclusive, and here you are having to pay for our dinner when you are an employee of the resort town. You shouldn't have to do that. This is Strahd's fault, don't you understand? Strahd is dividing us. He's such a bad manager that he's turning patron against hosts, it's wrong what he's doing here.

Burger Master should be able to make burgers and sell them for a decent price to people that just want to visit the resort town. Jen's, are you crying? Yeah. Jen's wipes away a tear. I'm sorry. I guess I just thought things could be different around here

The change you wish to see in the resort Give me that persuasion check all right God knows I'm gonna roll bad even though. I should do good God damn it. Oh my God. I also I'm gonna roll bad even though I should do good God damn it. Oh my god. I also Wonder what he would have rolled with hell. Let me see if I have any bullshit with my new I feel like you've got some bullshit. Oh My god, all right, okay. I just got a 13 See that he's not totally buying it so I would like to, I see that he's not totally buying it.

So I would like to, I have an ability called enthralling performance that I can do as a bonus action, but I need to do it for a full minute. Wait, how can you do it as a bonus action? I can do it as a bonus action, I can do it as a bonus action, but it takes a full fucking minute. Wait, what? They have to watch and listen to me.

You can choose, okay, anthralic performance. Once for short rest, you can choose four creatures that watched and listened to you perform for one minute. Each target makes a wisdom saving throw and is charmed if it fails for one hour until it takes any damage you attack it or sees you attack its allies. So I think I'm just gonna start dancing.

So I'm just gonna begin dancing. Hold him off for a minute. Bravo. What a speech brother. Oh, oh. I just start popping and laughing. He's not done. Oh, at a certain age you shouldn't bop in love.

It becomes quite literal. So much bopping. You've been turned. Strahd is in your mind. You speak in the same honeyed words as a vampire. And now, look, your body moves as if possessed. Just keep watching. You see Keychain is up next in the initiative.

He just turns to you and says, Do you want me to bite him? No, he needs to one full minute of watching me dance and no one can attack him. I just keep dancing. Okay, Keychain's gonna try and tackle him so he has to watch you dance. Great. Great.

Keychain got a 15, which would have been great for the persuasion, but he's decided to tackle instead. Let me roll contested. Oh shit, Ismark got a 15 which would have been great for the persuasion, but he's decided to tackle instead. Let me roll contested Oh shit is mark got a 21 Jesus You see keychain in his dog form like lunches it is mark and he just kind of like Grabs him and like calms him down says shh. This is not your fight. This is not your fight. You are a simple creature, go. And Keychain buys that. I keep dancing.

Yeah, Keychain just kind of like lies down and rolls in the grass. And that brings us to, is Mark's turn. Okay. Too many times has he seen vampires and ghouls and creatures of the night try to just while their way into someone's house. He does not trust you yet.

So he is going to attack the person that did a weird speech and is now dancing in front of him. Nayak? He's prone, attack him. I did a weird speech, but not a weird dance. I saved space. I'm still poppin' and locking. Wow, was that your hip?

I guess this is maybe arguably threatening looking as I dance towards him. I will free you, I will free you, you're being puppeted by the Dark Lord. I'm being puppeted by inspiration. There's no way I can keep dancing, it's gonna take 10 rounds. You guys, I just whisper, knock him out.

Okay. So he has a long sword and a short sword drawn. He slashes, his first attack misses because he's distracted. You actually get one good pop in that pops a little too low. Oh yeah, I do the wave, I have one hand out, I sort of block it with the short sword,

and as the long sword hits it, it clangs, and I wave back out. And as this happens, he just says, no. What? Just no. And then he slashes you again, and then once with the short sword, that's gonna be two hits, and you take 17 points of damage. Jesus. I'm almost dead

I'm so close to dancing brother. I just turn and yell murder him kill him kill him I Don't know why you've stolen their faces. I do not know if you're Anyone's faces I tried to dance for you. I tried to talk about your burger restaurant. Dude, we did two speeches and one dance and you're killing my brother. We did two speeches and a dance. You will come to me at if any testing time.

My father is dead. The burger master is dead? That's right. Why didn't you lead with that? How are we gonna open a burger master without the secret spices that the Burger Master has? Do you know the secret spices? Do you know the secret spices?

Do you speak of the secret spice of leadership by which he led this town? Yes! Yeah, I see. Yeah. Then no, I do not. They call me Ismark the Lesser. I have nothing of him. I have none of his sauce, none of his spice, none of his candor. Oh, okay, so we can kill him. What? Jesus, if you're Ismark the Lesser,

I'd hate to meet Ismark the Greater, I say. And I do a sideways thumbs at Ismark and point to my grievous wounds and make a Rodney Tager feel the pace. I have no respect around here. and make a Rodney Tager-filled face. I have no respect around here. We'll fucking kill you. Strahd's minions, they came night after night by father's foreheart.

They could not take it anymore. His minions, they held me and my sister back as we could do nothing to help him. And now he lies dead in our house and you think that I will let you? You kept him in the house? You haven't buried his ashes? I did not want to alarm the townspeople. They're at the verge of despair as it is. Take us to him. He may have his recipe in his pocket. It might be on his person. His prices could be there. Yeah, bring us to him. You wish to desecrate my father's corpse? We're not

going to desecrate his corpse! We wish to search it thoroughly. And we can dress up as him and give you a hug and say that you're worth something if you want. Yeah, we can call you just Ismark, not Ismark the Lesser. Yeah, we could say Ismark the Normal. Yeah, we can both disguise ourselves as your dad and hug you and call you Ismark. Ismark the normal. Yes. Once upon a time, Dalvin and Koga, they called me regular Ismark. Reggie for short, and it was lovely. But those days are long gone.

I don't know. I don't know if I can believe in that world anymore. Onyx, he's kind of looking at you now, since you kind of instigated this whole attack. Um. Um. But he seems on the verge of breaking, and it is your turn. Okay.

Um. He did stab me really hard, so just do it literally whatever you want. Okay. I think that I can try to talk to you right now, but I think that ever since I became off the grid, I've realized that actually children are the future. And I think that we need to listen to the children.

And so I think I'm gonna push Bluetooth forward and I'm gonna have him pop his, pop his earbud out of his. Out of his mouth. Kids don't do that. And let like a Manosphere podcast. What? Do a persuasion check. If you're ever feeling despair, what you need to do.

Oh my God. He's talking about cleaning your room and you have a dead body in there. Okay? So like maybe you are not being your best self right now. Even the Trini Vale triplets cannot listen to Man of Steel podcasts. He's not me, he's my son, Bluetooth. So yeah, I think that with the innocence in Bluetooth's eyes, I think Bluetooth is gonna try and do a persuasion check. Oh, okay.

He has plus zero. He got an 11. You have to knock him out. We have to just knock this guy out. We have to knock this guy out and just go into his house. Okay. Just attack him. You know what? Here I was thinking, oh, The next generation will save us, but actually we have to save ourselves

Yeah, look at what he's listening to Bluetooth you should be listening to that on 2x speed. You're not taking it enough All right, I'm sorry for not loving my full grinds up loving my full Grants up. And then I think I'm going to say, look, you clearly have quite literally a skeleton in your closet. You're trying to figure out how am I going to tell the rest of this town this. We will host a funeral for your father. If you stand down. You would help me bury my father. Yeah, what are your customs? Bury at sea?

Very, we're not going to the sea. Well, Viking funeral out of the ocean. He doesn't even know what surfing is. There is no sea here, but the Morning Lord speaks of the Radiant Realm and the Daybreak Cove, where there are pure white sands and beautiful blue waves crashing against them. That really sounds like the ocean. Yeah, yeah, that's the ocean. That's what it is?

Classic ocean stuff. Oh my god, that's the ocean? And that's just fucking real somewhere? It's just fucking real and it's honestly at the edge of everywhere. Can my dad's ghost go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever. And that's just fucking real somewhere? It's just fucking real and it's honestly at the edge of everywhere. Can my dad's ghost go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, whatever.

Absolutely. Yeah, we don't care. Look, I just think that we are actually meeting you at a time when you are not your best self and I actually want to help you become your best self by helping you remove your dad's dead body from your house. We just- Okay? Yeah. Okay? We need to get those spices and we need to get this Okay? Yeah, we need to get those spices, and we need to get this thing,

honestly, we need to get this cleaned. I wave my bloody hand at the mansion. You severed my brother's arm at the shoulder, but look at this. I'm grievously injured. I'm so sorry. Yeah, he's gonna bleed out. We've gotta go inside.

Yeah, I'm gonna die maybe, I don't know. Yeah, okay. I'm gonna bleed out. We've got to go inside. I'm gonna die. Maybe I don't know Yeah, like just read the room who has attacked who? Right you right did this really big attack, okay? And I think it's because you're so pent up because your dead Is decomposing in your house? It does smell rather bad over here didn't kill Corky didn't kill dolphin Yeah, didn't kill your dad. Yeah, one guy, you're the guy who attacked my brother and nearly killed him. I just, I was dancing.

You have a secret burger recipe. You've never heard of the ocean. I feel like you're the bad guy. Are you Strahd? Are you Strahd? You have to tell us if you're the manager. No, you're Strahd. Because the lights just went out in our room.

If you're Strahd. If I were Strahd, I would be sucking at your neck. Be honest, be honest. How long have we been talking and I haven't sucked your neck? Think about it, we would suck your neck. Strahd takes what he wants, this is true. Well, if you're not Strahd, then,

well guess at the hotel. My name is Corky, I stifle a laugh. You did, it's not fucking funny. I'm Tophin. No. Whatever your names were, you didn't kill my friends. Strahd took them. Perhaps, perhaps there was a way forward.

Yeah, and it's going to be starting with getting rid of your dead dad from your house because that's such a health code violation in a place where you're making burger. It's rather gnarly and yes, a bit of a burden on my life. Yeah. We're gonna turn things around. It won't be easy and it won't be cheap, but we're gonna help you.

Yeah. Very well. Again, I still do not know what this burger recipe you speak of is. Perhaps it's not a dewey, that's why we need to look at your father's body. Okay. Why don't you give me a persuasion check with advantage?

Okay. Wait, no one else do it. Okay. Dirty 20. Okay. Dirty 20 and a 17. We're just gonna let Onyx do it. Dirty 20 and a 17.

That's not all with our negative one modifier's role. Come on, let me try. You see, despite everything, he still seems poised to attack, but he hesitates, and then the door creaks open. A woman with auburn hair, wearing armor over a crimson red dress steps out, and she puts her hand over his sword and says, Ismark, please, we must trust. That is all we have left here.

If these people say they will help us, then we must believe them. Did you just come from the house? Yes, I was waiting in there with a crossbow. I was going to shoot you. Oh, that makes sense. Do you have a bandaid? Yeah, Ismark the Lesser really fucked up my brother. We're gonna keep calling him Ismark the Lesser until he...

Ismark the Lesser went so crazy. Yeah. Yes, he goes ape mode, absolutely. He's been training his whole life to kill Strahd. Okay. And to defend our household against all the forces of evil and well, he just got that chance, but unfortunately, it seems he was mistaken. Yes, I'm very sorry. How's that going for you, but unfortunately it seems he was mistaken. Yes. How's that going for you, Ismark?

Yeah, Ismark. Yeah, Ismark the lesson. I'm under a lot of pressure, clearly. But you, you spoke of being off the grid. Yeah. Yeah, it's so important to get clarity. Yeah, we're doing a new thing where we don't post for a few days and then we just do a dump at the end. Yeah, it's- And we say that we disconnected. It's really enlightening. It gets you a lot of engagement.

Yeah. It's called clout and it's kind of, yeah. Honestly, we're realizing now what's important. Yes, perhaps that is the secret spice. Yeah. My sister, she needs to get off the grid. Strahd has twice come here and bitten her Is this her? Yes. Your sister? Yes. As he speaks she like rubs kind of a bite mark on her neck. Oh Okay Ismar, you kind of like every accusation is a confession you think that we are Strahd and yet look at your sister No, she has not been turned yet. To be turned you must be fully drained and fall dead and then you rise again. Oh. So Strahd's just snacking on your sister. Indeed. He is toying with her and toying

with my family. Oh, that's so fucked up. That's so fucked up, yeah. Yes. I think that Ismark is right. I think I must leave this town. I am too close to Strahd. She gestures up towards the big pillar stone, atop which you see the faint silhouette of a castle. But before I can leave, there is one thing I must do. We must properly bury my father. Yeah, we were just saying this. Yeah, we were just saying this.

Yeah, we were just saying that it was really weird that he's just in the house. It's decomposing. Ismark was insistent that we not share this with the villagers and I understand to an extent, but it's like, come on, like Ismark, this is, it's really creepy stuff. It's so creepy. It's so creepy. Every day you don't tell anyone, it gets weirder. Yeah. It gets weirder. Yeah, how many days?

Three days That's too many days. That's just too many days. It's mark the lesser. I can smell it from the foyer is mark I was thinking but you know, I went to the tavern thinking maybe some wine will help me be inspired about what to do How to solve this situation? Yeah, you've got your dad decomposing upstairs and you're just hanging out at the tavern, tossing back what? Yeah, this is not an-

This is obvious why it's called Ismark the Lesser. I say it loud enough for him to hear. I look to Bluetooth and I say, this is not an alpha mindset. Stop, no, you're not listening to those. I go to Bluetooth's iPad and I switch it to something else. Oh. He just lets YouTube unplay.

No, we're not letting him fall down into YouTube rapidules. The type of asshole that we are is not that type of asshole. Excuse me. What? Are you talking to my son and I unzip a little hoodie and then I'm wearing a bedazzled shirt that says boy mom now. No!

No! He's never done anything wrong. Mom, can I have $20 for merch? Can I pick pocket gems and give it to him? Look, you should be watching AI generated videos. Those are the best. They're so funny. They're so funny.

Yes, my brother is quite troubled by the events that have taken place in town. But his heart is in the right place, so I think the sooner we move the better. But please come inside. You look quite distraught, quite beaten. Quite previously injured yes yes before we kind of commit to anything I just have to say when it comes to cleaning we're sort of like a Marie Kondo thing and it costs a lot of money yeah we're gonna help you clean up yeah well we don't do the physical cleaning but we give you a lot of organizational ideas feedback I see we're gonna consult you about how to get rid of the dead body so you don't do the physical cleaning, but we give you a lot of organizational ideas and feedback. I see. Okay.

We're going to consult you about how to get rid of the dead body, but we don't do for free. I understand what sort of feed you charge. There is a little money left over in the coffers, not much, I'm afraid. Perfect. We'll take that. That is our fee. Yeah, we'll do the fee and then also kind of a back-end fee. Well, Nyak will do some of the cleaning. Nyak will write up the papers. Niyak will, yeah.

What? Well, hey. I don't know, just throw their dad in a bag, right? No, it must be done properly. Yeah. The Morning Lord will not take him if he is in bag. There must be rites and rituals. Okay.

All right. Totally, there will be. Niyak takes the order and goes to Keychain. All right, go get a big, big bag. Okay. Body goes in the bag. Okay, and goes to Keychain. All right, go get a big, big bag. Body goes in the bag, okay, and hurry up, dog. Woof, woof. Keychain doesn't listen.

So Marina and Ismark lead you inside their mansion. You see that the interior is well furnished, yet the fixtures show signs of great wear. As you pass through the rooms, you notice that every window is boarded up and every wall sports a hastily made holy symbol in the shape of a sun. You eventually come to a small side drawing room and you find the coffin. Wilting flowers surround the corpse, attempting and failing to overcome the odor

of three days worth of decay. He wears a silk doublet and a small, simple silver ring in the shape of a sunburst. Even in death, the man's face is marred by despair. I see Marina goes to his side, one hand grips the coffin and another grips an ornate sword strapped to her waist. Yes, so initially Delvin and Korga and Zolt, who was the third of the traveling party,

we were going to ask them to help us, but they have obviously been taken by Strahd. So first things first, what we need to do is take the coffin to the church, to Father Donavich. He's on the west side of town. Do you think that you and Ismar could manage that? It looks really heavy. I'm just concerned. It's just like a lot.

Before it goes, you're supposed to touch it and say thank you to it before you get rid of it. Say, oh, I see, okay, yes. Well, I figured I would do that like at the funeral proper maybe. No, the coffin itself. Right, like if it brings you joy, you should hang on to it.

You should hang on to it. Does it spark joy? No, it doesn't bring you joy. Great, okay, then we will then, Keychain and Nyack, I think, can carry this. Yeah. Well, Keychain for sure. I think Bluetooth could help.

Bluetooth could help. Yeah, Bluetooth could. No, Bluetooth is very weak. Okay. I can help, I can help. That's great, everyone else can help. I do a Mage Hand, it can only carry five pounds. There, I help.

I think that what would be best, you see as Mark steps up, what would be best is if perhaps two of us were on one side and two more were on the other side. Nyak starts pushing it towards the door. It's wider than the jam. Did you build this in the room? Did you construct the coffin inside the room?

I think if we just turn it sideways. Yeah, we have to turn it sideways. Can we turn it skinny? Wait, close the top. Close the top. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, oh, geez. He's giving me a hug. He's going everywhere. That's funny. Oh, boy. Can we turn it skinny? Wait, close the top! Close the top! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, geez. He's giving me a hug. He's going everywhere! Oh, boy. Okay, you have to clean this up. Okay, we'll carry the coffin, but no. Okay, hang on, let me put him back in. Are there any herbs and spices?

Any ingredients? Are you going to investigate? See if he has the burger recipe on him. I give Jen's the help action with my mage hand. Give me a nat 20 please. Come on. Okay, I got

investigation, 17. 17? God, that's pretty good. I think you maybe find, you do find a letter, but I think it's a previous draft of the letter that he was planning on putting on the door. Does it smell of onion powder? Does it smell of garlic powder?

Is he doing like the secret sauce, the Thousand Island type thing? Like what are we talking here? Is this a sauce based burger? Is this just quality of meat situation? How did he become the burger master? Are you hungry? Is that what you're trying to tell me? No, we just had nut cheese.

That's a good point. It could be just his meat source. It might not be spices at all. It might just be a connect. Oh, it's the right combination of like veal and cow. Who was in your father's circle? Who did he talk to? Do you have a kitchen?

A kitchen, of course, yes. Can I go into the kitchen? Yes, please. We have no staff there anymore. It's just us in this house. Okay, I go into the kitchen. It's gonna be tough to scale. I'm going into the kitchen Can I do investigation? That's where we use AI. I think we combine mom and pop with AI It's infinitely scalable. I don't know what that is, but it's so sinister Okay, I got a three

in the kitchen, um, I think I'm in the bathroom. And I'm sleeping here. Night's waiting outside. Onyx, hurry up, I have to go too. All right, we gotta get this. I flush the sink. Let's get this guy back in the coffin and let's bring him to the church.

And look, I know you didn't want anyone to know about this, but I think it's Mark, it's time that Everyone knows that there's a new burger master in town, right? Give them some hope for the mom-and-shop pops And maybe the priest has a recipe we could use. That's too true. Right? Because Burger King, Burger Priest What? Oh, that's good, like Judas Priest and Burger King Burger Priest. Because obviously Burger King was created by a king. So maybe he's a priest. My father did talk of his dream of a time when all in town would be fed and cared for.

They would have bread aplenty and many a dip to dip their bread in. Bonds, yeah. Riches and a full belly. Perhaps is that what you are speaking of? Yeah, I think so, yeah. Yeah, I think so, yeah. Well, perhaps this dream is one that you can help him realize. There is no one left in this household besides my sister and I.

Perhaps it is time, you're right, that we open it up and we get this kitchen full and ready to reinvigorate Perovia. We have lived under the shadow of Strahd for too long. This is the Alpha mindset I was looking for. I'm sorry, did Ismark the Lesser just leave? Because all I see here is Ismark the pretty decent. Ismark the alpha? No, no, let's say everyone, hey, let me check your YouTube real quick.

Sell it down. I'm gonna go through that. My brother and sister are the alphas. Let's put some nice AI videos on there, okay? Okay, all right. Let's bring this coffin to the priest. Let's get him back in there. Do you have like six horses and a carrot? Oh yeah can we have six horses? Yeah six horses will do. Just real quick can we have six horses? Yeah. I have one sick mule. Okay great we'll use the sick mule. Okay. Can I? I'm gonna do healing hands on

the sick mule. You know I'm about to die, right? Yeah, I look at- I look at Jens- You're fine, Jens. You're the alpha. Leaking out of his own body and I put my hands on the sick mule. So the funeral would need to happen at dawn. It's already, you know, midday at this point, I would think. So if you wish to sleep and rest for a bit, we can start out fresh tomorrow morning. Can we bring the body to the church, then come back and rest? Because there's something about just sleeping near a dead decomposing body

that is not high class resort. I don't really see what's creepy about it. We're not weird like you is the thing. Yeah. Oh wait, maybe weird is Mark. That could be my oh, that's interesting. Yeah Yeah, it could be like the fun cool burger master Okay, okay sort of like a clown like a jack-in-the-box. Yeah. No, I don't think we want to be fun cool burger Yeah, can I pull I pull nyak in onyx to the side? Yeah

Let's be honest, okay? There's gonna be a lot of heat on the next Burger Master. It's gonna take a lot of flack for trying to replace the old one. It clearly is Mark the Lesser, it's called is Mark the Lesser for a reason. So we let him be the shitty one, sort of take the heat,

and then when we jump in and save the Burger Places, we can kind of jump in. So let's kind of fluff him up for now. And we go from there. That's really smart. That's actually great. Yeah, weird is smart. We'll call him the slider master. Yeah, this is really good.

Can we just bring your dad's dead body now? To the church? Of course, yes. We'll be right back. Yes, and please feel free to take Jesper, my sick mule. Okay, I have healing hands, Sam. Right, the thing is I sick mule. Okay. Okay, I have healing hands, Sim. Right. The thing is, I have four HP. Yeah, so. Again.

Okay, yeah, you heal the mule. All right, no good, good, that's good. That's awesome. You'll be fine. No, I'll be fine, yeah. Okay, okay. So the way this will work is, I want you to line up on the other side. We're gonna do a series of ability checks.

If both people on one side fail, the coffin falls. If one person on each side fails, the coffin stays up. But if three or more people fail, the coffin falls over. Everyone takes damage and it's also just going to be really embarrassing for the whole morale of the city. Sure. Oh, good. Yeah, they don't wanna see the Burger Master crash

out of a coffin right into the middle of the street. Especially because no one knows yet. They'll find out by spilling his corpse out. And he's already been rattled around because you already dropped him once. All right, so I just want you to tell me who's lining up on what side? Who's on the left side? All right.

Who's the strongest here? I am weak. I'm the Nihax. I have a plus one to athletics. I have a plus I'm the, I have a plus one to athletics. I have a plus zero. Oh, I have a plus two. Great, okay. Niax ripped.

What is Bluetooth strength? Minus three. Jesus. Okay, Bluetooth, get the fuck out of here. He's a kid. Yeah, get out of here. Go listen to something else. Listen to a podcast to make yourself stronger.

No, don't. Look, we're gonna get you into some science-based lifters, okay? Wow. This one's about how to talk to people at the gym. No, stop. Not that. Listen to music for God's sake.

I just put on, wait, check this out. What is this, not another D&D podcast? That seems interesting. I click that and put it in Bluetooth here. Oh, it goes in his mouth. Oh, okay, sure. Okay, so there's four of us if we use keychain. What's keychain strength?

Keychain strength is plus two. Oh, great. Maybe I can just use Bluetooth for a help action. You can do that with familiar. Oh, that's a great idea. So I'll do that. I actually also have a spell called controlled mutation. I think I can help with strength checks.

Let me see. Ooh. Okay, I'm gonna cast controlled mutation and just give myself huge rippling biceps and triceps, but I've obviously skipped leg day and chest day and back day and everything except for my arms. So I have huge jacked arms. Wow, look at those vanity muscles. I know. What, triceps are pretty important?

Okay, so you're doing that. So then maybe me and Keychain will be on one side, Nyak and Onyx will be on the other side. Okay. And me and Onyx both have advantage, and Nyak and Keychain are both kind of strong. So Keychain and Jen's on the left of the coffin, Nyak and Onyx on the right.

And I'll say that you are bringing Jesper the mule, so Jesper can kind of bear the weight in the middle. And I'll rule that Jesper will have a reaction and they can let somebody reroll if they need to. Great. Cool, because they're bouncing in the middle. Okay. All right.

So you have this coffin, you all lift it up. She actually ripped pretty hard to just do with just your arms. Wow, those are really just vandals of muscles, huh? You are going to hurt your back more than you already have. Who needs a back? You see my back is so skinny and my biceps are so huge. So you all hoist the coffin and proceed out of the front door of the mansion.

A grim silence hangs over the village, but whether in reverence or ignorance, you can't be certain. So as you kind of stumble out the gate of the mansion, everyone go ahead and give me an athletics check. Okay. It's gonna be pretty simple. Watch the roots.

Bluetooth giving me help action. Matt 20. Oh! 15. Eight. Oh, roots. Gluedduce giving me help action. Matt 20. Oh! 15. Eight. Oh, okay. I'm gonna roll for key chain. Nyack, lift with your biceps, lift with your biceps.

I twisted my ankle. So only Nyack failed that time, which means that the coffin stays up. Woo! I got a sliver, I got a really deep sliver. You said you were strong. I am, just not right on the skin. Onyx, how is Bluetooth helping you?

He's playing podcasts for me that are hyping me up. Like hype meditation? No, just the same ones. And I'm like, wow, that's such a good point. I do need to work all the time and not have time off. Your coworkers are the enemy. You are a lone wolf. Such a... I look at Jax. If you need support, you're weak. If you're a lone wolf, at least you're a wolf.

The lone wolf cast and it's hosted by two dudes. Yeah. Except in Barovia, they are actual where we are. Okay, so you manage to get out of the mansion and then you make your way past the town square and through a narrow street full of ancient houses wilting like weeds. The only sound is the creaking of the coffin's timber and the clicking of keychain's metallic feet against the cobblestones. Suddenly a swarm of green-tinged zombie arms burst through a dust-caked window and swipe

viciously at you. Everyone give me a wisdom saving throw to avoid being frightened. They're after the recipe! What the hell? Shout out to the two crew. They're after the recipe. What the hell? Shout out to the two crew. They're so afraid. 14. Nine. Oh, I need to, I'm a bard. I just wanna give people bard inspiration. I was wondering.

Yeah, you can say stuff to me. Okay, so Jyn's with a 14, Kijin got a 19. Your side is okay, but shit, Nyack and Onyx, you see these zombie arms reach out at you, you flinch, the coffin starts to fall, but. Okay, can I have an action? Yes. I will cast Calm Emotions to end

the frightened condition on us. Okay. So I think that as the phone, I soothe us into, I kick Bluetooth and then his iPad starts playing ASMR to calm us down. Thank God. She's doing ear licking sounds. Wow, we're gonna make a really great burger today.

Maybe she knows the spices. I like to make some paprika in. Okay. So you listen to the squishing of burger patties and it calms you down. Yeah. So that just lifts the frightened condition. Yeah. So it is each humanoid in a 20 foot radius sphere centered on a point you choose within range must succeed a charisma saving throw or be affected.

We can all choose to fail. Okay. The creature has immunity to the charmed and frightened conditions until the spell ends. within range must succeed a charisma saving throw or be affected, we can all choose to fail. The creature has immunity to the charmed and frightened conditions until the spell ends. If the creature was already charmed or frightened, those conditions are suppressed for the duration. Great. Everyone focus on my arms.

Don't worry about the zombie arms. Monday, arm day, Tuesday, arm day, Wednesday, rest day, Thursday, arm day, Friday, arm day. Saturday, rest day, Sunday, rest day. A lot of rest days, a lot of arm days. You take the whole weekend off? Of course, yeah. That's not weird, that's not the weird part of the joke.

You said that the zombie arms were reaching towards your arms because of how big and ripped they are. I thought so. Jealous? But I think that now because of calm emotions, we'll be immune to each humanoid in a 20 foot radius sphere. That's sick. Okay, awesome.

I think we can all just choose to fail. Amazing. Okay, so yeah, you feel calmed and buffeted as you shuffle past the remaining houses and arrive safely at the church. It is the sagging edifice of rock and wood built next to the very roots of the pillar stone that supports Castle Ravenloft. A bell tower rises towards the back and flickering light shines through holes in the shingled roof. As you enter the churchyards themselves, you notice that the

ground is covered in shallow graves, crumbling tombstones, and the restless roots of a bald cypress tree. Everyone give me a dexterity save as you try to navigate this final treacherous stretch. Can we say as we're approaching, I gave them bardic inspirations? Yes, absolutely. Because I haven't been using those.

Okay. A D6? It's a D6 for now, yeah. All right, remember, everyone lift with your arms. Just your arms, no back, no chest, no anything. Just your arms. No legs. Let your back go. Let your back now. Yeah. Okay. All right. Remember everyone lift with your arms. Just your arms. No back. No chest No, I don't know. Let your back go. Let your back relax your core relax your core relax your leg huge I got a six on my bardic and which takes me up to a 14. I got a 23 whoo, I got a 17 onyx

You were the only one that failed but since nyack and and everyone else succeeded, the coffin remains afloat. And you make it to the front of the church. With some difficulty, you manage to pry open the heavy claw marked doors. As they swing open, you see a mildewed hallway. Gross. I'm frightened now. At the end of which is a brightly lit chapel. On either side of the hallway you see small doors leading to adjacent chambers. Excuse me, we have a body. We have a dead body. Dead guy for you.

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Right now Raycon is offering 15% off their best selling everyday earbuds only at buyraycon.com slash P-A-W-P-A-W. That's buyraycon.com slash pawpaw. So are you going to just like wait in the foyer here? Yeah. I guess we'll, well, yeah. Okay, great.

Yeah, we'll go in the door, but not into any rooms. We'll just kind of wait for someone else to greet us. Okay, great, yeah. We can ask to be let into the rooms after. Sure. Yeah. We want a tour. Yeah, I mean, we absolutely want a tour.

Well, it'd be rude not to. So you, hi, are mules getting sick in your hallway? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if that's normal donkey sounds, or is a mule a donkey? I don't know. I think it's a donkey and a horse.

Okay. Make it. Whatever it is, he has diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever was left in the fridge, the donkey ate it. And now it's on the floor of the church. Wow.

Do you know the secret recipe? The secret recipe? Yeah. The secret recipe. I was talking to the donkey. Of course. Yes, we all talk to donkeys. Would you like me to hitch up this mule outside?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. Would you like to do a feedback with some Metamuc Sure, yeah. Yeah, could you do a feedback with some Adamusel? Yeah, of course. Hey, how's it going? I'm Jens. Oh, hello, hello. I'm Dolphin.

Dolphin. Stop, fucking stop. This is Onyx, and this is Nyack. We are guests at the hotel, okay? We have the all-inclusive, so like if there's any kind of buffet stuff, if you have the continental breakfast, because honestly we're supposed to get it. We're allowed to order at any bar. Yeah.

I think it's up to the men. Friends with Ismark, the lesser, you know. Poor Ismark, yes. Yeah. He does his best, that boy, but you know, he's not, he's no Kolyan Indurovitch. Thank you. Who's in the coffin, by the way? Oh, yeah, that guy.

Yeah, so him. I think that's, yeah, it's him. The burger master himself. Oh, yeah that guy. Yeah, so him. Yeah, I think that's yeah, Tim the burger master himself Oh, no, he's passed and they were just keeping him in the mansion. That's fucking psycho I shouldn't say this because I'm a priest of the morning Lord. Yeah, but that's fucked up. Yes It was actually cookable behavior. So weird. Oh, wow I'm kind of like did is mark the lesser steal the secret herbs and spices because there's nothing on his body keeping a dead person like in your house That's who would do that. I think like only psychos. Yeah, it's crass. Did you ever have a burger from the burger master?

Yeah, could you describe it in detail? What did it taste like? My name is father Donavich By the way, just you know to get the introductions out you are I'm a mother dolphin on X next to mother your gins just gins just gins and then you are of course Corky Naya was your name Naya ex Corky Naya ex Corky beautiful. I'm sorry your child You are father to a boy She's my Temples she's a boy mom now. Your boy mom that is beautiful. Read the rhinestones.

Can you see her shirt? I have only a brother, this is it. But I have no children. What? I have a brother. That is my only family. Sorry, you introduced yourself as father. I am a father of the morning lord, like a religious father, a pastor, a priest.

Gents, I can't do this. I'm gonna go take an unguided tour. You are asking about food. Our next is gonna look around your house if that's okay. Yeah. Is it okay if she pokes around? I think it's just, it is not my house, it is the morning lord's house, of course. Please make yourselves at home. Yeah, okay., just it's typically you'd give a tour

Like right okay. Yeah, just should maybe like move this coffin out of the foyer first. Yeah, okay sure We don't know where to put it. I mean I feel like we brought it most of the way. Yeah, we've done everything I think we were hands are tired. I have an altar in the front. I have a sliver. Do you see this? I like has a sliver. I don't even know what that is. That is huge. It's like a splinter. It's the same It's pretty the more of a tweak. All right. Yeah, we'll do the one more We'll get it up to the altar. But after that, I got to be honest. I'm done with this burger master Oh, I've dropped my Part of the coffin to go wander around Yeah on an unguided self tour

coffin to go wander around on an unguided self tour. Okay, very good. Okay, so we get the coffin over there and then, yes, you wish to wander, that is very much fine. You asked about the Goliath Indirovich's food, is that what you were saying? Spices, yeah. Yes. Yeah. What did his burger taste like is my question.

You know, there were happier days where he would invite the people of the village over for feasts. And he had wonderful dips and flatbreads and a burger. What is a burger? Is that some sort of like a- It's ground beef on a bun, maybe a brioche with an aioli. Did he call it something else? Is that why? Is this-

A beef sandwich? Oh? Jen's just looks so serious and goes I cannot get into his mind Call them the burger master, but didn't call them burgers was this sort of some decontraction Meat and bread a sloppy your your Novich. He called them cold yummy's Your your Novich he called them cold yummy's Cooliamis, okay I think it was a play on cool yummy's cuz when everyone saw them they went cool and then afterwards they said it's a yummy Yeah, yummy cool yummy sandwich your cool yummy sandwich. Okay All right, the more I learned about him the more I'm fascinated. It's so quaint. It's so scalable

You know, he was sort of a make-your-own-cool-yummy. There would be like dips and spreads, and there would be the pile of... the flat breads and the pile of meats, and it was just kind of a free-for-all. Wow. It was sort of like a eat fresh, have it your way situation. Wow. Like a buffet. There's nothing like that in our world, but...

they usually don't do that for burgers. This is brilliant. It was... he called himself a cool- cool yummy artist when he would make them. Interesting. Sort of a Fuddrucker situation. So, but also sub-way to combine the two. He would say that other pieces of bread there are subpar. This is the way. Those are sub and this is the way is the words that he would utter at the great feast. He really was a burger master way more so than I even thought. This is the way. Those are sub and this is the way. Is the words that he would utter at the great feast. He really was a burger master. Way more so than I even thought.

See, Gens gets insanely emotional. His eyes turn red and he puts his hand on the priest's shoulder and he goes, I'm sorry for your loss. It seems like he was a great man. He was, yes. The village has fallen on hard times. I think, you know, not many people know this, but... The Devil Strahd. He saw something in Marina. Something that possessed him to...

draw his attention to the village in a way he never did in the past. Ever since the Burgomaster adopted Marina all those years ago... something changed and the days of feasting were over. But we have a task ahead of us, it's true. If we are to truly celebrate the life of the Burgomaster, I think, you know, we must make this a proper funeral so that the Morning Lord will send down his beam of light and draw him up so that he might return to the radiant realm

and dig his feet into the white sands of forever. So I think that we will need a couple of things to make this proper. I'm thinking, you know, tasteful decorations, food, maybe some faithful villagers. Could you help acquire those? We can help you throw the best funeral this town has ever seen,

but I think it requires some exclusivity I'm thinking what hey for entrance to the funeral Make it the can't miss event Invite only like a donation pay to play like it all a donation. Yeah mandatory donation Around the plate. Yeah, but before they come in not during the service okay okay that doesn't seem that different than what we normally do no wait it's in line the father's actually onto something here we get them in and then we guilt them into giving us money it's like demanding it wow i can't actually like legally say i like that

but it seems pretty cool yeah Yeah. Don't worry. You know, trying to bring Subway to Burgers, it was a, it was his dream, but now it's ours. We're going to build a Fuddruckers in Burgers. And if we can do the Fuddruckers at the church, we don't have to pay taxes on any of that income. We can worship. No more blood suckers, only Fuddruckers. Yes! Oh my god we have it!

We have it! This guy rocks! You're a marketing genius! You're the first cool person we've met here I'm sorry. This resort town is fucking whack. I am cool and I you know it and I'm so glad you're here. Let's but let's kind of hurry. Let's hustle things along, right? Right, because like, you've got your plan. I've got my plan. I'm going to sit here and pray over the body. I just think like, you should maybe go right now. What?

All right, this got- You're rushing us out. I know, we have a lot of preparations to do. Onyx didn't even finish her tour. Yeah, Onyx is looking around. Yeah, I've been, I've been wandering around snooping. Let's actually cut over to Onyx didn't even finish her tour. Yeah, Onyx is looking around. Yeah, I've been wandering around snooping. Let's actually cut over to Onyx right now as you see the priest starting to get a little antsy

about how long he's been staying here. Onyx, to give you a lay of the land of this church here, there's this big chapel. You see all of these moldy, broken pews. There's this big rope that leads to a bell on top. You can see bits of light filtering through. There's also an exit to the back which leads towards the graveyard, which you imagine is where you will bury Koljan Indirovic tomorrow morning at dawn. But you also see that small moldy hallway

that you passed before with doors on either side. Okay, so I'm bringing Bluetooth to go down the multi-hallway because I'm telling Bluetooth, you can learn so much about a person by snooping in their medicine cabinet. So that's what we're looking for. Medicine cabinet, okay, cool. So you go back to this hallway, you look into either door. On one side, you see kind of like a drab little room.

There's like a straw-filled mattress. There's a wooden training dummy in the corner, but not much else. And then on the other side you see what you assume to be Donovich the priest's bedroom. There's an old desk and a chair standing against the south wall with a wooden holy symbol mounted above it. You see a straw-filled bed as well with a shredded tapestry hanging from a rusted iron rod. What's on the tapestry? It has been torn. But go and give me a yeah, go and give me a perception check or investigation. Nine.

Okay, great. Yes, you see that it does look like another kind of symbol of the Morning Lord, which is like usually a flower or a sunburst, sometimes a sunflower. It's all just kind of like symbols of like the sun and, you know, bright things that do not exist in this land anymore. Okay. Okay. But I'll say with a nine as well, you do see a wooden cabinet with four tall doors in the corner. For its size, this wooden cabinet contains very little. You see a tinder

box, a few wooden boxes full of candles and two well used books. One is called Hymns to the Dawn, a volume of chants to the Morning Lord. And the second is called The Blade of Truth, the uses of logic in the war against diabolist heresies as fought by the Olmisition. And as you page through it, you see it is the strange book that mixes logic exercises and like honestly mindfulness prayers with lurid descriptions of fiend worshipping cults and the archfey. Okay, I'm going to take the book. Okay. Um, this is a medicine cabinet, but it is also a library. And we support public libraries, I say to Bluetooth. And yeah, I think, and then I'm gonna also try

and take the training dummy. If we ever want to use the HOV lane. Onyx, you go to take the training dummy and as you do underneath it you see a trap door And as you move this training dummy as you scrape it along the floor you hear screams emanating from this trap door You hear someone their voice ragged screaming in a hollow under the earth.

Brother! Let me out, brother! I am hungry! Brother, let me out! Why do you keep me? You are the father's brother. You hear me? Who is that? What's your name? I'm a boy mom. Are you a father, brother? I am. How did you know which shirt I was wearing? I could see the rhinestones glinting. He's an uncle

I am a brother of the father. It only works if your brother is a priest Okay, I am Dora. What are you doing down here? Oh Okay. I am Doru. What are you doing down here? Oh, my brother, he locks me down here because I am a sinner because I look at picture of nipple. You saw a picture of a nipple? Yes. Where? I could go for a nipple. It was in a secret compartment.

Where? In the bookshelf. Oh! In the bookshelf. Oh! In the bookcase. Okay, describe it to me. I'm gonna go try and find a picture of the nipple in a secret compartment. Roll another investigation with advantage.

Okay. Naked one. Oh my God! Oh wow. Okay. Okay. So, you- Free the nipple, dude. Oh, okay. So you- Free the nipple dude. You, you, you find a false backing to one of these cabinet doors and inside of it,

you find two things. You find a picture of a nipple. It almost looks like, it's like a sunburst, but somebody has like drawn a nipple in the middle of it and shaded it way too well. Okay, okay, okay. I love it, it's just a touch heretical. And you see, written in illuminated manuscript

is just the word yes. I palm this as well. I cannot wait to show this to Jens and Naya. The last thing you find is a vial of holy water. Oh, okay. I palm this all. I'm going to go back into the room, shut down the trapdoor and say, do you want me to open up the window and open up the trapdoor and you can escape from your fast yes yes i've done nothing wrong okay he does not feed me he punishes me onyx is going to do a gut check she's going to look into bluetooth eyes and say whose side are you on um and she's gonna roll i think maybe like an insight check okay

And she's gonna roll, I think maybe like an insight check. Okay. It's a 19. What kind of insight do we get on this guy? He rolls something for him, and I'll tell you. Meets it, beats it. He rolled a 19 deception. Okay. As he talks and says, oh, let me out, you know,

I'm Duru, I'm, just he keeps me down here. I'm hungry, hungry. He says the word hungry over and over again. And with a 19, with an insight, there's something about the way he says hungry. It's almost as if he's speaking through some sort of obstruction in his mouth. And on a whim, Onyx, you look through the keyhole

in the trap door, just in time to see a shadowed figure licking a long pair of glistening fangs. Yes. Okay, um I am going to take the training dummy but I'm not going to open the trap door and I'm going to but I will open the window. going to open the trap door and I'm going to but I will open the window okay and then I'm gonna drag any moment you wish to open it that would be great yeah I got it it's open okay I'm gonna drag the training dummy back into the that. That is mine! Let me out! Let me out! Can I actually just pour a drop of this holy water, just a drop, not the whole thing, onto him through the trap door just to see what happened? A drop.

Um, shit. Yeah, you see there's a little hole for the key. Yeah. Um, and as you look closely, you see his eye peering out, bloodshot, but yellow and fierce and too intense to be a human eye anymore. He's peering out trying to find you, and then all of a sudden you pour a drop of holy water into it. Jesus.

Hang on. I knew you would come back, I. Ah! Fuck! Okay. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Your brother. I explained everything about the- oh. I just found him underneath your training dummy and I think he is a vampire. Do you want to come clean? Listen, I did what anyone would do. My brother Toru, he's a sweet man. A year ago, a great wizard from another world gathered an army of villagers to fight Strahd.

My brother Doru was one of them. They go to fight, but of course, they lose. The wizard is killed, he goes over the Ser Falls, never to be seen again. But my brother, he returns. I did not have the heart to do anything else, so I trap him down there. What do you feed him? I cannot bring myself to feed him anything.

I pray every day, hoping that the morning lord will show me what to do. You're trying to pray vampirism away? Okay, well I'm not gonna comment on that Just I feel like you're putting a really nasty stink on it Okay, so he's never add like blood? Or like a burger? Maybe if we just gave him a good burger

It'd be like a medium rare bloody we need to just get these people need a Fudd Rockers Okay, okay need a fud rockers Okay, well in exchange for keeping your secret. Yes I get this and I point to the training dummy Yes, please perhaps when you go out to make your preparations you could fetch him Some some sort of like extra rare burger. Yeah, because I i'm worried to leave him here, so I do not leave the church often. We can grab him a burger that's stuffed with money. Yeah, with just a little bit of cash.

Mac holds out his hand. Do you have any cash? Onyx holds out a collection plate. OK, oh well, testing it out. That's great. OK, he gives you two gold. Oh, so you don't care what kind of meat he eats. Well, that's fine, he wants it rare,

so we don't even really need to cook it. Honestly, you could probably give him that mule. He'd eat that. No! We're actually kind of attached to the mule now. Yeah. What's its name? I don't remember.

Fitbit. The mule's name is Fitbit, all right? The sick mule's name is Fitbit. The sick mule's name is Fitbit, alright? The sick mule's name is Fitbit. The sick mule's name is Fitbit. And we're gonna get this Vodrakers started. Alright? Okay, please, I know that what I've done is wrong. It is a sin greater than even a nipple.

It is my nipple All my secrets I have lots of taste. Oh, yeah, yeah, it took me it took me 12 days. That's awesome That's just awesome. Awesome job. We think you're cool If you whatever you wish if you wish to build default rockers in the church Yeah, I will support it. Yes, you know my secrets. You will help me keep them. Thank you We are going to leverage them against you. Of course. I understand. It's casual blackmail. Don't take a personal We like you honestly corruption in the church. It's the first time for everything. Oh, there you go

That's awesome You should have heard I before I said something about it is mark the lesser of a Rodney Dandruff field thing for everything. Oh, there you go. That's good. That's awesome. You should have heard, before I said something about it, is Mark the Lesser, sort of a Rodney D'Angelfield thing. He gets no respect. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah, we're having fun here.

It sucks, but we're having fun. Yeah, you have to laugh. Right, you have to laugh. I'll do what I want. You just go though. Okay, you don't have to laugh on us. All right, let's take the training dummy and let's go back. Okay, all right, so you're gonna head back

towards the mansion? Yeah. Can I have help carrying my training dummy? Okay. Nayak, help. Can I put it on the sick donkey? Yeah. I'll balance it like it's a rider.

Yeah, yeah. Oh-hee. Here, Pipit. Huh? Oh-hee. Jen's laughing. Are you feeling better,, yeah. Oh, he. Here, Fitbit. Ha! Oh, he. Jen's laughing. Are you feeling better, Fitbit? Oh, he.

I think Fitbit's feeling better. He, he. Fitbit's doing great. Wow. What's so funny, Fitbit? Fitbit does the Charleston. Holy shit. Fitbit can dance like me.

Fitbit, you just needed to get rid of something nasty in your stomach. Oh, hee. Yeah, you just had to throw up in a church. Oh my god, it's like an AI cartoon. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen. It's almost as good as AI. Yeah, I've only seen horses dance

when I give prompts to AI. You see it moves in that disgustingly tweened way that AI videos do. Yeah, wow. Oh look, yep, there's an extra knee. Yeah. Interesting. Oh yeah, the horse has seven knees.

That's interesting. That's fine, I can forgive that. Yeah, okay. Otherwise it looks pretty good. So you head back to the mansion. I'm gonna roll something real quick. I like to think that it was Onyx healing the donkey that made it into AI.

Yep. Yes, beautiful. So you head back, Fitbit the donkey, clopping along happily. Holy shit, did no one heal this donkey for like years or something? Good Lord, Ismark sucks. We fixed it, we barely tried.

Ismark is really the lesson. I kind of feel like Ismark is the villain here. Ismark is the problem. Yeah. Does Stratt have a point? Am I crazy for thinking that? Did you clock that Marina was adopted? Yes, that's interesting. And then Stratt became obsessed once she was adopted? Huh. Maybe we should talk to her. Okay.

I could show her the nipple excuse me I mean with her permission okay sure it's a well-drawn nipple yeah the thing is is it's erotic and tasteful all right keychains horny alarm goes off. Yeah, keychain, please. Oh, look at that red rocket keychain. Come on. Come on indeed. No. Quit helping that zombie. I put a cone around the keychain. Don't lick it. Bad dog. Bad dog. Let's go. Okay, so you head back to the mansion. You see that it's been an eventful day. Ismark and Marina have actually already turned in. They left a note saying to help yourselves to whatever's in the fridge.

And you see that they've cleaned up a bit and they give you instructions for where the guest suite is. Okay, so this is why they are getting attacked by struts. They don't lock their doors. That's part of it certainly. Also guest suite doesn't feel I know the primary is open because your dad is dead. Let's go sleep in their father's bedroom. Can we have his room? Yeah. Knock knock. No we don't have to knock knock let's just go in. No knock knock to wake them up to let them know

Oh, we're gonna let them know Oh, you're back. Sorry. We were just exhausted. It's a long day. It's Mr. The Lesser I'm going by weirdness mark now. That's kind of my thing. It's kind of not taken on but um interesting listen Uh the guest suite we noticed there's not attached bathroom We were yeah, we need an en suite. Yeah, so we're gonna stay in your we're gonna stay in your father's room Yeah, the primary the primary be in the primary be in the primary just right now You see is marks eyes go to his sword which is like leaning in a corner Okay, yeah, fine, whatever.

Yeah, great, that's good. Just when you wake us up with breakfast tomorrow, we just thought you should know where we are. Oh. Because we're sort of owed a continental. Should we put in orders now? Yeah. Yeah, we'll hang it on the doorknob.

We'll write it down on the little door tag. I'm gonna do eggs over, get this medium. I'm going to do very rare eggs. Yeah. Really rare. I hate to say it, I'm gonna do eggs over, get this medium. I'm going to do very rare eggs. Yeah. Really rare. I hate to say it, I'm gonna do the overnight oats, so you're gonna have to start those now. Marina, do I have to deal with, yes?

They have to be soaking overnight, otherwise it's just oats, Betty. You know what, I'm actually gonna do the overnight oats as well. If you want me to get out of town, if we want them to escort me, yes, you have to fucking put up with this Dude, okay. Yeah, actually, um, I forgot I'm a vegan so I will also do the overnight oats Okay, so two overnight oats. Yeah three overnight oats actually. I'm a vegan too. Oh, sorry

Two overnight. I need them to be oats that have two overnights weekend oats that have two overnights. Weekend oats. Weekend oats. It just really softens up the oats in a way. Is there any way you could make two night oats? Yeah. Is there any way?

Two night oats in one night? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Just kind of do your best? Well, you know, my father, he did have a cookbook. What? Well, yes. Is that where the recipe is!

It's kept in a special cabinet in the kitchen. Okay. You said you were going to search the kitchen and then you went straight to the bathroom. I only found the bathroom. Yeah, I only found the bathroom. I think she just peed in your sink. Yeah. Okay, well, you retire.

I will look through my father's cookbook and figure out how to make a two-night oats in one night. Okay. Great. And we're gonna, we'll need that recipe book in the morning, so leave that out by the door as well. We have to wake up very early so we can get all the preparations ready for the dawn service. Yeah, we'll do like a 9.30 wake up.

Why don't you guys prep as much as you can before you wake us up, because otherwise. Incredibly too late. Yeah, I think I'm just gonna get up and go. Yeah, me too. I'm not even gonna have to get changed. Me too, I'm gonna sleep in what I'm gonna wear tomorrow really last second wake us up when it's time Okay, we stretch the definition of what dawn is okay. I understand all right. Yes, let's do you know what a late dawn 845

Yes, oh, yeah, 45 do 845 awake so 930 leave great. Yeah, that makes sense Yeah, okay great. Yeah, we'll do the service at 10. That's close enough to dawn. Okay. Well, you know, normally churches to services We do second service is mark. You've been great You hear him whispering to Marina Marina I'm going to kill I am really conflicted because I want to tell them about the fun gossip I have I am really conflicted because I want to tell them about the fun gossip I have. That's the priest's brother is a vampire. Yeah, well, that's how we gonna hold it over the priest if we tell Ismark the lesser. Yeah, right.

If we reveal the blackmail, it just becomes male. Ismark the lesser has the gossip. It's not good gossip. Okay. Okay. Okay. Thank you. I needed someone to tuck me out of it. Let's go to the en suite go to the ensuite. Okay, okay Okay, so you go to this dead man's bedroom. Yeah, it is covered in fresh cobwebs because it hasn't been slept in in three days Okay Spiders moving quick. Yeah You see that the the floor has scratch marks on it, but it does seem like it's been cleaned up a little bit

You see that the bed is um Large enough for all three of you to sleep on. Keychain hops up into it and starts spinning around. Now on the floor. You go on the floor, Keychain. On the floor. On the floor. On the floor.

Down. Wait, and this little baby gets to sleep up there with you. Come on. Yes, because he is my boy and I am his mom. Can't I be somebody's daddy son? I look at Nyack. I also look at Nyack. What?

I hate him. You have to be Keychain's father. You're an alpha. You can teach me everything. You have to be a boy dad. Look, this next generation is absolutely screwed. Look, okay, I need to, I'm gonna take Bluetooth's iPad, look, you want a fun rabbit hole, learn about Fuddruckers,

okay, we're gonna go down to nostalgia YouTube, we're gonna watch a weird, here's a three hour documentary about Fuddruckers, okay, you're gonna learn about what we're building here, okay, cause this is your legacy. Yeah. Oh, well now I'm not going to sleep either. Yeah, well watch it.

I actually am not going to sleep either because I'm going to read my new book. I want to, now that I don't have a phone, I read so much. I say as I read for the first time in my life. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

She's sounding out every word. Ha ha ha. So you all climb into bed. She's sounding out every word. So you all climb into bed, Jen's you and Bluetooth snuggle up and watch YouTube essays about Fudd Rock. Nyack, do you have any bedtime routine? I curl up on the floor next to Keychain. That's very sweet. You curl up on the floor next to keychain, you quickly fall asleep, you have dreams about running through the mists,

hunting, honing your skills. Jinz, you have dreams of a beautiful burger restaurant, a burger empire, a giant burger mansion that rises taller even than Castle Ravenloft. And Onyx, as you flip through the pages of this book, you find a section that's especially interesting to you. It's a section on the Archfey. It seems like there's not much of an Archfey presence in Barovia, at least not anymore,

but you find a picture, an illustration that sparks some sort of reaction in you. Is it the nipple? How did this get in there? At first it's just the nipple, and after the involuntary shiver of the nipple, you feel a second, more spiritual shiver as you see a drawing of a circle of stones. It's a circle of stones labeled the Megalith. But as you look more closely at it, you realize the stones are shaped

exactly like a Wi-Fi router. And as you learn more, it seems like this used to be the gateway to the kingdom of the Feywild before the Curse of Strahd befell this land. And you go to sleep staring at this picture. And as you drift to sleep, you hear a voice say, Hello Onyx, it's so great to finally connect. And that's where we'll end our session.

Who the fuck is that? Who is that? It's so cool, because reading actually is like listening to a podcast apparently. Oh man, what a wild episode. So- Did we do anything unexpected? Moving the training dummy to steal it was probably pretty interesting.

You did, you went all the places I thought you would, but in the most unexpected way possible. That was amazing. The Fuddruckers plan has come into focus. And boy, how am I excited for the Fuddruckers church. You can feel like Jen's having purpose for the first time in his life. Starting a Fuddruckers in a church.

You know, because they're turning all the churches into hotels and stuff. No. Turning out Fuddruckers. Turning out Fuddruckers. Restaurant fucking rules. And with that, you can hear us talk about this more over on our Patreon, patreon.com slash nadpod,

that's N-A-D-D-P-O-D. Don't sing yet, don't do it. Gonna be 45 minutes of Fuddrucker talk. Yes, we're probably just gonna talk about Fuddruckers a lot. Gonna have to. And we've got some things to plug. We've got Dimension 20 Live shows,

July 20th we're gonna be in Seattle at Climate Pledge Arena, and then in November we're gonna be in Las Vegas playing Star Struck, so be on the lookout for that. Search Dimension 20 live. Ooh. Boom boom. Oh, I'm just gonna go ahead and plug,

number one, Daniel Ramos who does an amazing job doing the sound mixing for the episodes. You can see his information linked in the episode description and I'll also plug Emily. This is one of my first times getting to go back and forth with Emily composing music for a series for me. And it's such a fucking pleasure. And all the music you've been composing

is just absolutely fantastic, I love it. I worked really hard, because I wanted it to be worthy. Hell yeah, it definitely is. Hell yeah, well you know what, it's like a beautiful drawing of a nipple shining over the sea. I already told Calvo, I guess we'll probably talk about this on a short rest, but I already told Calvo

that while starting to work on this, it really reminded me of Hot Boy Summer because the triplets have a very similar attitude in that it's like, okay, we need a spooky cue, but it needs to cut off immediately because Jen's is gonna say something insane. Speaking of cutting off immediately, we gotta save this for the short rest, folks. Oh yeah, and because Jen's is gonna say something insane. Speaking of cutting off immediately, we gotta save this for the short rest, folks.

Yeah. Oh yeah, and also follow me on Substack, Substack.com slash at Jake Hurwitz. I am writing columns. Substack, have it your way. Sweet, yes. And with that, you can follow us on social media that we're remembering I use,

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