Not As We Planned - 1. It's Over

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

When two single mums come together to talk about the realisation of their marriages ending. Chatting all about the new challenges and changes one goes through and managing it around your children whilst trying to heal. Come and join us on our journey and we would love to hear anything you want to share to. Email us on [e-mail] Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Welcome to our first ever episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. This episode is called It's Over.

It's over. Very final. And I feel like we needed to do an episode, our first episode, all about this because both of us have agreed. Yeah. The most asked question that we have got is how did you know when it was time to kind of call it a day when did you know that it was time to leave had you tried hard enough and I know our situations are very different but I feel like well we're both sitting here and we know it's over so um it's yeah it's good to talk about So I think I can speak for many people where I say staying is easier,

especially when you have kids. I know, again, situations different. Yeah, they are different. I would say that I probably stayed in hindsight for a good few years longer than I should have, but I don't think I really knew. And it's easier to reflect when you're out of it as well. Well, it's like what you were saying you didn't actually really realize how unhappy you were until you're not in the relationship

and also once you're out you're in a different headspace yeah yeah talk about how we got there yeah so i mean with me i think i got very used to brushing things under the carpet and i think that when you're in a marriage and you've been together a long time and it's kind of all you know it is really scary kind of thinking about anything other than that you know like when you've got kids when you have kids and when you're married or even when you're not married and you've got kids with someone no one wants to do that alone do you know what I mean and it also in in that sense I know for me you kind of you you were with him a long time you go from one thing to the other so you go from being together

you get engaged whatever all do you do it in you get married you have kids you never stop or I know for me I never stopped and like looked and was like am I happy or you just kind of accept is it and things change. Yeah, exactly. I think this is what the honeymoon phase has gone. Yeah. This is just life. And people always say, you know, being with someone and having a relationship and then having kids, like it's not always going to be easy. And I'm not sitting here saying, oh, if you're not constantly happy and things aren't easy, then it's not a good relationship and you should leave.

things aren't easy, then it's not a good relationship and you should leave. But I think it gets, the lines become quite blurred when it's like, am I just maybe going through a little stage where it's a bit of a rut and you need to spice things up a bit? Or are you actually not being treated? And are you just coexisting? And are either of you actually truly happy? I think now I'm at the other side of it I've realized like obviously I mean obviously in my situation he wasn't happy so I think we have both just been coexisting together

neither of us thriving or happy without really being aware of it yeah I guess if you're not growing together and still learning from each other and getting that you know things are very different from the start of a relationship to five ten years down the line and with kids but I think for me it was realizing that there was no respect I think a lot of lies um and it gets to a point where there's only so many things that you can brush under the carpet and the carpet's getting really really fucking full do you know what I mean and I think eventually you get that I told you I got this light bulb moment where I was just like this just isn't enough for me anymore um obviously I'm gonna delve way more into detail about what happened to get to that light bulb moment but you know we went to therapy I really wanted to try like I'm not one for doing things half-hearted yeah I think we're both very

similar like perfectionist like if I'm doing something, I'm going to do it fucking well. And no one gets married thinking they're ever going to get divorced. Yeah. No one has kids with someone thinking that person's not going to be a solid figure as, you know, as the mum, dad together living in a house. Yeah. Or imagine it. And I think I know that I had this, you know, picture of of that perfect family everyone wants it and everyone's seeing it on social media yeah I remember the amount of messages I got when I announced my

separation they were all so shocked like you look so happy and so good together and it's like that realization of what actually you only probably saw about two minutes of 24 hours and people formulate this opinion of what happy couples look like when could you place a family photo i mean the holiday that i went on just before i announced my separation we weren't even together like we went away for the kids so it just shows like and i'm guilty of it looking at social media and being like, I wish I had that or they look great or they look happy. But I think I was portraying that at one point and I very much wasn't happy. And it's interesting you say that because actually this week I've had multiple women message me. I spoke something like this on my stories and some people said to me, I'm actually envious that you're out because I'm in a very unhappy marriage and I don't have the balls or, you know, like the financial situation to be able to.

And it's kind of when you step back and realize, actually, everyone's not that happy. And it's another topic I'll cover at another point. point but when I took Theo away last week to Disney I was walking around like thinking at first when I was in the airport and I was seeing all these families like really happy on like family holidays I was like it really hit me and I got really sad I was like I'm here on my own with Theo and then I kind of sat back I think I messaged you and I was like I'm seeing like like mums and dads together literally like arguing being stroppy i saw around disney people like them shout at each other and i just thought you know what it's actually it's more in our heads we create these things that everyone's in these perfect situations i actually really had bloody

brilliant time i'll talk about that another time but i had a great time not having someone else's mood impact me it was all down to me so we do we do compare ourselves we really do so why don't we stand back to you know actually realizing your marriage your relationship is over so I think probably our situations are quite different yeah in the sense I had information that led me to the decision of my marriage being over um and for me mine really did slap me around the face hit you hard it hit me hard um you know it was something I didn't see coming um and I and I guess just with the information that I had allowed me to basically get to the point of realizing that our marriage was over. And one thing I do want to say is that, honestly, like a woman's instinct is so powerful. Yeah, don't ignore. and just don't ignore it if you have an instinct about something honestly like I can't explain it but yeah I think a woman's instinct is absolutely

powerful and I'm not going to go into detail about you know the reasons reasons for my marriage ending. It's obviously quite personal. But I think when you have some reasons in front of you, you know, where things become difficult or you can't imagine your marriage continuing with the knowledge you have I think I for me I knew then that that is where my marriage was over and there was no going back yeah that makes sense I'm slightly like envious of like the information you've got in front of you because I think sometimes when you don't have that solid proof of certain things,

that's probably why I stayed for so long. Of course. Because it's kind of like, do you end a marriage and break up a family on assumption or gut feel or not really sure of this or that? Do you know what I mean? So that's kind of why I did the whole rushing under the carpet so long. I think that's what had made so much easier for me. You know, that first couple of weeks are just awful.

And for anyone who's listening who are in those first few weeks, nothing I say now will make that pain easier. I remember people being like, it will get easier. You can't see through that. The pain is so physically crippling i was having like panic attacks really really regularly and that was one thing that i hated because like my kids were seeing me like that and then theo started almost like copying it it was awful at the same time you're trying to be a mom yeah you can't stay in bed you have to get out of bed

the last thing you want to do is get up you know i remember the first weekend once my ex had moved out when i was on my own for the first time properly, and it had been a while where I was really on my own, I didn't get out of bed until 8pm. It was that first day where it was like, I'm actually not being a mum and I can just process what had happened. And actually, it didn't do me any good. As hard as it is to carry on being a mom and do those everyday mundane things I feel like it kind of actually helped kept me going because sometimes

sitting there willing and just like you know I think we all have our moments where we go through that breakup and we put on the sad music and we have our moments and we go in. And I just think, actually, it doesn't really do you any good. Like, don't get me wrong. You need to have your moments. You need to have a cry. You need to talk to your friends and vent and this, that and the other. But I actually feel like my kids picked me, not physically, but like having kids picks you up and makes you realize well i don't

really actually have time to sit and dwell you agree and i don't want to be like dark and morbid but i've never hit a low place like i did in those first few those first two weeks and when i say like my kids saved me i genuinely read it as you will. I genuinely, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have them. They gave me a purpose every single day to show up and, you know, like just be the best I could for them. And you do, you do. And do you know what it was? It's even like when you're with your kids, it's even like their laughter, their little smiles of happiness.

Those are the tiny things you need to hang on to, to pull you through and out of those days. And my mum said to me in the very, very early days, she was like, look, take it day by day. And if that's too much, take it hour by hour. And I live by that now. That is literally all I've done. I feel like generally my whole adult life in a day at a time you know when you have people be like oh what are you going to do when your ex has a new partner I'm like well I don't need to think about that because

it hasn't happened yet and I'm not going to think about it because if I start thinking about it I'm going to drive for myself really yeah yeah don't get me wrong we have our moments but yeah 100% day at a time and if that's too hard hour by hour yeah I feel like for those that are maybe in a situation where infidelity isn't a thing and it's not as black and white as he cheated so I'm going to leave I feel like it becomes that bit harder to kind of know when to and I think that's the questions that I tend to get because it's kind of like how did you know did you try I really tried but I think really and truly looking back if only one of you is really trying you're not going to get anywhere and that is where I kind of feel like I was at I think that

we were in such a bad place for such a long time that we both gave up at different points I do feel like we probably both checked out in different ways and then I just feel like we constantly had those conversations of you know oh let's try you know let's try and make effort let's do date nights let's do this let's do that and only one ever kind of wanted to do that and I just feel like we went to therapy and then I just remember about three days after we finished our therapy session, we went out as a family and something happened that was the most minor irrelevant thing. I always revert back to, and if people haven't seen the film,

he's just not that into you, then they're not going to really understand it. But there is a scene, there's a particular couple in the film, and if you haven't seen it, you need to watch it. Bradley Cooper has an affair. He cheats on his wife.

She finds out and she forgives him and takes him back. But throughout the build up to her finding out about the affair, she keeps thinking that he smokes, that he's having cigarettes. And he keeps saying to her, I'm not smoking. I'm not smoking. He keeps gaslighting her like as if they're mine. They're the builders. Like just it's like a running theme throughout the film. And then once they are back together and he's moved back in after her taking him back from cheating, she finds cigarettes in his jacket pocket.

And it's that moment where she's like, I'm getting a divorce. And I know it's not she's not getting a divorce because of the cigarettes. But it's like that moment where she's like, I'm getting a divorce. And I know it's not, she's not getting a divorce because of the cigarettes, but it's like that moment, that was her light bulb moment. And a few days after therapy, I had my light bulb moment where I could see right in front of me a lie being played out, it being turned around on me. And I just like this is this is never going to change this is literally how it's always going to be I feel like when you have no trust in a relationship and really that is how my marriage really broke down like I can't pinpoint I cheated

on him or he cheated on me like to be honest I don't know completely what maybe happened behind my back I'll have my theories my gut but I don't unfortunately have solid proof like you but one thing I will say is I had no trust and there were reasons throughout our marriage why I had no trust which I think deep down he appreciates but the issue with that is it probably suffocated him because anything that he did whether he was telling the truth or not was I never believed it so he actually couldn't win so maybe in his eyes he's thinking I feel so suffocated I can't be in this marriage he doesn't trust me me. But in my head, I'm thinking, well, you don't deserve my trust. You need to gain it.

It really, you know, when people are like, oh, if you don't have trust, like it's not going to work. I genuinely believe that now. Like I, it just, it made our marriage toxic. And that light bulb moment for me, it happened two weeks before our holiday. And I tried to keep it to myself that I wanted a divorce. And then something else came out. And I was like, I can't, I'm making myself ill trying to keep it in, telling him.

So I told him, he was like, I'm not coming on holiday. And I was like, if you don't come on holiday, the kids are going to suffer. Man up, grow some balls when you're coming on holiday. So we went. And do you know what? know what weirdly it was a really nice holiday like it's so easy to pretend on holiday it's not real life I feel like holidays like Instagram like you can just sort of pretend and then I remember the day I got back I filed for divorce so sometimes I don't think it's as black and white as someone's cheated no darn it's Ozar and I think when it's not as I don't want to use the word simple because that's obviously not simple it's absolutely fucking terrible but when it's not as black and white as that I feel like it takes that bit more time or yeah and I think it takes a lot more courage from someone as well, because, you know, it's not just your happiness you have to balance out. You know, it is sadly financial impacts. It is thinking about the split of the kids. It is thinking about how you're going to make it work on a day to day basis. It's so much more. And I know people who compromise their happiness in a marriage for other things and for me there's

other things going on in my personal life or have been in my personal life that have just honestly put life in perspective for me and really just made me so aware that you get one life you don't know how long you've got and for me I just want to be happy if people really knew how much I was juggling kind of um at the same time of obviously my marriage breaking down I don't think people will be like how on earth did you get out of bed every day but you do um but for me it did help put everything in perspective what I wanted and what was important and kind of the decisions I was making with that of course of course there was a point where I thought you know maybe we can work through this and again I've spoken about it before but a big part for me was figuring out was I more devastated over my family unit breaking

down or was I more devastated about my husband breaking my heart and it took me a while to actually realize that it was probably the family unit and you know it's not until I've been able to step back and been in a better headspace to reflect I've done a lot of journaling a lot of writing a lot of listening to things you kind of step back but I think sometimes it's really hard to even like admit to yourself you're not happy or you don't even realize honestly like when i say i probably stayed for years longer than i should have that was definitely subconscious like i didn't wake up and be like oh another day right i need to try and make it like i i genuinely believed that this is my marriage.

This is my life. Divorce isn't an option because I just didn't ever see my life without him. We were together for 17 years. I don't remember life without him. Yeah, I genuinely don't remember life before him. And that's why I've had some people ask me, were you happy and content when I had Rome? Because obviously when we separated, Rome was one. And the answer is, quite honestly, no, I don't think we were very happy.

But it wasn't, oh, let's have a baby to say by marriage. No, it was for me, it it was more like this is my husband this is my family i want another baby so we're so i'm having another baby and like hopefully eventually we'll just improve like this is as i think i just felt like this is as good as it's going to get for me and that's really really fucking sad because. Because even now, on reflection, when I think about... I feel like I just accepted the bare minimum and it's just such a shame. If I think about how I was treated or not even like... He never put me down.

He just didn't lift me up. And I just think, like, how sad. I sometimes imagine, like, if Ivy was with a man that didn't make her feel amazing and special, I'd be like, oh, I've been him. And it's like, I don't remember the last time my husband told me I look beautiful or, you know, I was just, my love language is words of affirmation. If people don't know what love language is, make sure you Google it and look it up. There's five different love languages and everyone feels love in a different way. It can be words of affirmation. It can be physical touch, acts of service, gifts.

Maybe there's only four. I need to check that. But mine's words of affirmation. And if someone's is gifts, just say yours is gifts and mine's words of affirmation and if someone's his gifts just say yours is gifts and mine's words of affirmation so I the way I want to show you love if I don't know that yours is gifts I'll probably just constantly give you words of affirmation because that's mine so I'll be like you look beautiful like oh you look lovely today or I love you or this that and the other and you'll be sitting there being like why hasn't she bought me like that bag I want so

my my love language was never met in my marriage because I never got any words of affirmation so it's really interesting just to be aware of that in a in any relationship because if you don't know your partner's love language how are you meant to show them that you love that absolutely and how how are they meant to feel almost like validated what it probably comes down to is like it is self-worth it is self-love it is like it's almost like the respect you have for yourself as well i always imagined they would grow up in an environment around love. And, you know, I really wanted them to see, like, their dad kissing their mum and this and that. But actually, that wasn't what they were experiencing at all. You know, we did lead quite separate lives in the evenings.

We didn't sit down and eat dinner together. Do you think that's also just our day and age? I feel like it's like... It's like my dear the thing is with social media i'm i mean i'm i'm guilty of it which i'm sure so many of us are being on our phone so much because being a mum as well you spend your whole day either with your kids or you're working and then you've got to do bedtime and bath and this that and the other it's like it's that evening where you just want to unwind i want to be on my phone i want to catch up with my friends i want to check out a bit of social media and then it's

like i'm sure your partner wants to do the same and then before you know it it's got to like 9 30 you're both just sitting on your phones and i think we never made that conscious effort to not let's put our phones down and like how was your day yeah like yeah that's it it comes down to the communication doesn't it i mean we would he would often go out and train in the evenings and i'd often do my work and we'd go to bed at different times and did you yeah so what's funny is we went to bed at the same time but i don't remember the last time we cuddled in bed so it's also I'm not I'm not saying that I'm not a one thing I want to I'm sure we both want to say and we want

to point out we're not relationship experts we're never going to sit here and be like if this happens to you you need to end your marriage but for me I think it is not a red flag but if you are not having sex in your marriage it's something that needs to be addressed it, but if you are not having sex in your marriage, it's something that needs to be addressed. It's not, if you're not having sex, guys, and you haven't had sex in three months, then it's over and pack your bag. But if you're not having sex regularly or at all,

you need to have a conversation. Something there, yeah. There just needs to be a conversation i listened to a podcast about sex it was amazing it was just i could relate to it so much and she's a sex expert and she was explaining how like in the first two years of your relationship the hormones that you have of like that attraction and the chemistry that in itself makes your sex life completely different after that two years it is humanly impossible for it to continue that way because the hormones die down so you have to do things in your marriage

to keep it alive like when you have kids i'm not saying like again like when you have kids you're going to go weeks without having sex yeah or if you're pregnant or you feel gross and you're breastfeeding sleeping your bed sleeping but what one thing i would say is looking back there's definitely things that i would have changed and i didn't make that effort in the bedroom. Like that's a massive part of being together. However, one thing I would say, if there's any men listening, there probably aren't, but well, actually you never know.

I'm going to make some changes. Or date. For men, I feel like women's libido tends to be maybe lower than men i feel like men men typically orgasm every time they have sex okay women don't unless it's done i think it unless it's done this is done in a good way i feel like sometimes sex is looked at in a marriage as a bit of a chore like shit we need to have our like one week one time a week sex let's quickly just get into bed and slip it in and i'll slip it in and five five minutes later yeah yeah literally but i feel like for women and i'm talking from personal experience if i'm with someone that's really affectionate not in a sexual way but just

anything like the intimacy yeah it's the intimacy that i think makes a woman want to have sex more and if you're lacking the intimacy of just touching sitting on the sofa together having a cuddle is the physical connection yeah it is i think if that's lacking you're not going to want to have sex so if you're not having sex i feel like you need to almost like go back to basics and and do like the cuddles and the holding hands and the kisses you get into such a habit of okay bye love you and they just walk out the door maybe a little peck on the on the lips and then that's as much affection as you're getting in a whole 24 hour period and i will always say this and for me like going forwards if i was to ever be in another relationship communication about stuff like this okay if that doesn't exist it's not going to work if you can't

talk about it and you can't talk about what you need what your needs are if they're being met how they can help like meet those needs you know like for me i think we do sound pretty similar i'm a very affectionate person yeah i like to be touched i like to be cuddled i like to be kissed i like to be assured like i've been made to feel like yeah see yes like if i'm down and slap my fucking arm do you know what this is on my vision board for my next man right not but like i want to be in the kitchen like making a cup of tea and have like a cheeky like bum grab yeah like something i i don't and look i guess i'm we're both speaking from experience of getting divorced but should that ever go like it's nice to like

pass each other in the hall and like you know give a little cheeky like oh i don't know that yeah i still would yeah I just never had that. But I do know people who do, which honestly, like, and for me, it's so weird, but I meant, and I did, I had a very much light bulb moment, a bit like Tash. It wasn't about leaving, but it was kind of like, I'll talk about it on another episode, but it was kind of when I'll talk about it on another episode but it was kind of when my mindset

all switched from this and I kind of almost went from full-blind grief to actually just accepting my new life and like I'm sitting here recording this podcast genuinely feeling the happiest I have felt not just since I've you know everything happened but honestly and myself in in months like and that's even how much is that and that's because of yourself empowering yeah yeah I feel so calm in my own house I feel at peace and yeah it's very it's a powerful place to be I think one thing that I really want to get across in this episode is anyone listening that may feel like they're either not yet about to break up, but they feel like it's going to happen. Lots of people do. Or they're at the beginning stages or even they're a year down the line and they're not feeling good.

I just want to really express that I was pretty much a child when I met my ex I'm now in my mid-30s well actually I'm not yet 35 so early 30s and I genuinely believe that if I can do it and move on anyone anyone can. I didn't like my own company. I didn't like being on my own. I relied so much on him for everything. And I actually look back and I feel like I stuck around purely out of comfort and that's easy to do especially when you've been with someone for so long yeah and you know stepping away and walking away is it's absolutely terrifying

even now even knowing like my situation I was still terrified to do it the thought of being on my own being a single mom i hate the word but being a single mom it's completely new territory everything is pretty much on you um but going back to what you're saying as well really important not to compare your journey of healing or progress to other people like you might find you're still stuck very much in you know a bad part of the grieving process and others like I've had loads of people like oh my god like you you've done so well so quick I feel like that about you like oh yeah like I remember when like the first time I came here I I was like, and you were quite down, but I was like, you were doing so well. Like, it was amazing to see.

Like, it was really, like, inspiring to see how quickly you kind of just accepted it and picked yourself up. And I don't think that is the norm. It's not. And that's it. And I would never want anyone to think, oh, God, like, Kylie.

And I don't know why I don't know whether it's just the kind of person I am or the things I've been doing. Or I don't know why. I don't know why. And I am a very headstrong person. I always have been. I'm a very positive person. Like, I like to see the best in any situation.

And I don't know if this was just like a really extreme case of this is my life now like move forward i don't know if it's because i was really focused on my kids or like i can't i can't tell you since i've had that moment i can't i can't tell you last time i cried properly over it which feels mad to be talking it's been weeks since i've cried about it um there's something i need to look up the name of it there's it's a lady's name it's called the something something grief cycle um it's really interesting and it shows you it's kind of like these little peaks and troughs and it's different um phases so like the first one is like the shot i can't remember

the exact order there's like denial anger and then it's like yeah and then there's a point where it's like acceptance and obviously like you can't put a time scale on it but i feel like i hit that last part of acceptance quite early um do you also feel because i do there's like there's two parts to it it's like the acceptance of the person and the relationship and then it's like the family unit because i still i'm nearly a year down the line like we separated in june yeah and i still have not quite accepted, maybe accepted is the wrong word. I'm still not content with the, I don't really know how to explain it. There's just certain, my weekends with my kids, I love them to pieces. But I still massively struggle when I'm on my own with them or I'm not doing as much as I would like to do with them because I just feel like it's too difficult to do with three on my own so I felt like I actually

coped much better than I thought I would have with the getting over him part and I don't think I think maybe that is because I actually subconsciously detached from him for probably about a year before we actually separated although I didn't think we'd ever end yeah it was like well we're not having sex yes I don't get love from him without knowing I you had the same and so sometimes it's actually you kind of started doing the grieving or the letting go while you're still together i think i had that i think i there's i mean our relationship before i we were happy we got on we had like don't get me wrong we had some like really really happy times like florida was amazing we genuinely had the most amazing holiday and that's it you just in my head i thought it was like a phase i thought the kids are a really difficult age you know we're not seeing much

of each other theo sleeps in my bed at night i just thought it was a phase and i thought and you know what i i want to i want to actually pick up that like sometimes it is and i don't want people listening to this and thinking like oh my god like we haven't had sex And I thought that... And do you know what? I want to actually pick up that sometimes it is. I don't want people listening to this and thinking like, oh my God, we haven't had sex in six months because we co-sleep in this, that and the other. At the end of the day, the way I see it, if you are with someone that is willing to put the hard work in and so are you and you both love each other

and there's communication and like it will work like there are a lot of marriages or relationships where you it is up and down no it's not meant to be easy that's what i think i'm trying to say is i don't want people listening and thinking like just go through a really tough time like if you're if if you speak to someone and they don't have a bad word to say about their marriage or their partner and they're like, yeah, we're just constantly in love and we never argue. They're fucking bullshitting because, because that's bullshit. And actually arguing with your partner and seeing how you're both able to communicate and resolve it, I think is key to seeing the type of relationship you have. Like, we never communicated.

Things were constantly rushing. I mean, our carpets, as you know, were very full with everything always rushing up and down. You'd be quite nice. Yeah. So I think that's obviously what I really wanted to point out, is, like, it's not meant to be easy. But you're meant to be with someone that's worth the hard work

absolutely and I don't think I was and I don't think you were either I wasn't and you know like I said there were things that would crop up that again I was probably brushing under the carpet too but it never would even cross my mind that. Yeah, because when they're little things, they're not big enough to end a marriage on. And I think really for me, again, from where I am now looking back, it was since having Milo, my second, where things changed in our marriage. That's like kind of where I pinpoint it to. Again, I just thought it was the challenges of having more than one kid because it is absolutely so hard and it completely changes your life yeah

um but again yeah it's what you're saying that I think without knowing I had almost begun to process not being in love with the person. And also as well, the person I was in love with, I don't believe exists anymore, which makes it easier. Literally, like took the words out of my head. It makes it easier. When a person you love... How old were you when you got together? 25, so 10 years. like we everyone change it i

change i've changed loads and then it changes you and that changes you and everything else along the way change it and by the way i'm not saying like i'm not like i don't want to just come on and i'd be like bad mouth like obviously the situation was crap and there has been and is a lot of anger there i'm not saying i'm you know i've not changed but he probably well he must have stopped loving me at some point and perhaps he fell out of love with the person that i have evolved into but this is me and i'm quite proud of the person i am now i'm proud yeah yeah that is spot on one of the reasons why i've probably managed to move on quicker than i thought i had because i was in love and so wrapped up in this person that actually

isn't yeah he's not there anymore it's almost like grieving it sounds brutal but like the death of someone it's like they no longer exist yeah so in my head going back and working on this marriage wouldn't have worked because that pain of the same not the same pain yeah i fell in love with and i grow i don't know you get to a point where for me i've accepted it and i would never regret being with him he's given me my two beautiful boys and you know I don't want to tarnish the last 10 years yeah well just equally had I left when I felt like I really should have I wouldn't have home no so there's no point regretting lessons it's all lessons every single relationship not only teaches you stuff but I feel like it helps you grow and I now know and I'm sure you say we'll say the same is i now know

what i'm willing to accept and what i don't what i won't accept and what i want in a future partner 100 i i literally one of the first things i did in those few weeks i made a new vision board i wanted a photo i'm always doing an episode on vision boards and manifesting honestly yeah it honestly helped me so much and one of the things i wrote about a future partner was like all the qualities i would want in them and that's i mean it's still growing now because you kind of like grow as you grieve i like that and then yeah book time yeah um yeah it was just it's very empowering to now be in a position where i feel like i have my kids you know i have i have everything i could possibly want if i know i think it is

i think dating and looking for the perfect partner in your 30s when you're very much more aware of who you are who you want to be and where you want to go to, it's a completely different ballgame. Like, straight away, boom, go away. Yeah. Like, if you can't communicate, fuck off. But you don't need to tolerate anything less. You don't need to tolerate anything less than what you want. You really don't because you have everything.

Yeah. You don't. And for you to meet someone, they literally have to offer you happiness. They have to enhance life they have to be like no drama like it's it's empowering I think what it really comes down to is yes we've been speaking about you know realizing it's over and it's fucking shit but once you come out the other end really it's it's just the beginning it is and it's your next chapter like I genuinely feel excited like I feel like how exciting that I probably have some of my happiest moments ahead of me like that I'm not experienced like hopefully and we know we've had

some good happy times and we are going to share all of those with you and all these episodes they're not all going to be really down and sad we're going to have our moments but there's stuff that you know there's so many exciting things now that we have to look forward to it is and once you hit that point where the switch goes you know you accept your new chapter and you actually start to think positively and think right well actually i'm the person in charge of this i'm the person in charge of my happiness i dictate what comes in and what doesn't even come near me anymore you know like it is freaking empowering it really and it's exciting i'm excited i'm excited and we can't wait to share it with you all we hope that you enjoyed make sure that you come back and listen to the next episode

tell all your friends about if you know anyone who's gone through anything similar obviously direct them here but we'll also be discussing like all all things motherhood really absolutely and also we are going to eventually be sharing stories experiences opinions questions yes if you want to feature make sure that you drop us an email at not as we planned podcast at gmail.com and we cannot wait to hear from you all and we hope that you enjoyed it thank you so much bye