Not As We Planned - 10. Dating in your 30s

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

Let’s delve deeper into dating in your 30s, talking about those first date rules and sharing your good and bad experiences as well as ours. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Welcome back to another new episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. And this week, we're talking all things a bit more like dating. Like we've spoken about it before, but we thought we'd talk about just generally. There's quite a lot to come. Yeah, dating in your 30s. So dimmering, isn't it?

Yeah, well, I don't know, but yeah. Never dated. But yeah, I feel like when we've asked you guys what you want us to talk about, there was a lot of loads, loads of questions surrounding dating. And then maybe people that, you know, have never been married, never have kids that actually just want to hear like funny dating stories or just advice or anything. So here's a question for you.

What would you say is your like ideal first date interesting yeah because i feel like some people like dinner or drinks or like day drinks night drinks or maybe something like an activity like having been on a few now first date i do like dinner but there is something quite nice about doing an activity where it's a bit more chilled and relaxed so I think that if you're trying to think of a good first day and your nerves are quite high I think doing something like crazy golf well yeah um I think crazy golf is a good one because, I don't know, I feel like you get to be a bit more yourself

rather than sitting at the table. You don't have much to talk about. Yeah. What do you think? I mean, if we're talking about ideal, ideal first dates, I'd love to be flown in a helicopter somewhere. Right, let me tell you the question. Realistic first dates.

So, I don't really know. I think I like both. I do like going out for dinner. And I think where I haven't been taken out for dinner in so long, that's quite nice. And it's nice to get, like, dressed up and go somewhere. I'm a foodie. Like, go somewhere with nice food and get over that then at the same

time i feel like eating in front of people can be like quite an anxious thing yeah um as i do agree i think doing like a doing date yeah it's really fun like even like there's like adult arcades you you know or like the fun fair thing oh what's it called um that's really gonna annoy me it is called fair fair game yeah fair game canary wolf you get a spot there it's really good i went with my sisters really really fun so i feel like doing something like that i feel like it takes that pressure off of so if anyone's listening to this and they're scared to go on a first day i think the activity day are the easiest. Yes.

Yeah, are the easiest thing. I feel like as well, sometimes when you're talking to someone, they want to take you on a date. They might be like, oh, do you have any ideas? The thing is, I'm that person who I'm really indecisive anyway. And I also feel like I quite like the assertiveness of someone. I want them to be in charge and like book it. And see what kind of person they are.

And like, I don't know, I think you could tell a lot by someone. But then at the same time, if like your worst nightmare is dinner with someone, speak up and be like, right, you've got to try and find a really fun activity for us to do. There's always out there things like... Do you want want to laugh i've got the funniest story for you so when um i was going on the state with someone and we were trying to think of something to do we wanted to do something fun so he literally googled fun things to do in and he put my area and one of scenes that came up was King's Bay. Yeah, it was. It was like swinging. Oh my.

And he sent it to me, obviously in a jokey, like banterish way. And I was like, okay, maybe don't think of fun things to do in this area. And there's like this like swingers house really near where I live.

In like a notorious swingers area. Apparently so. But no, you just reminded me because you were like think of fun things to do. So I mean, that could be

someone's ideal first date. No judgment here. Judgment free, don't guys. But yeah, no, I think that that is a good first date.

And then we kind of, we've had some questions, people saying things to us like what would you wear? Obviously it depends where you're going. I think like, so the first date day i went on that was it so my my first date was like afternoon to evening so i was like what like what you ready i mean we're gonna go to quite a nice restaurant in the

evening so i was like i don't want to walk in the heels all day yeah i feel like things have changed a little bit now so i went for what do i wear i wore like wide legged jeans with my dance yeah and then a nice top and a blazer shield vise at the bottom and hide it at the top yeah no i like that well yeah i went to crazy golf so i think i wore like black leather leggings to make it a bit smarter but with trainers and then a nice top yeah i think as well date don't estimate the power of a blazer i feel like blazers just dress everything up what yeah really nice man i don't believe you they just really don't suit me i feel like i'm like wearing like my dad's okay well i really like i think blazers that really i wear like jeans and blazers i wish i could pull one off no we're gonna find one okay that's the

goal but yeah i think and i'm not always dressed down rather than uh if you're unsure if you're unsure and you don't want to look like a keen bee and you so one of my best friends she i kind of go to her for everything dating because i've been out the loop for so long i was like what do i she's like always wear black on a first date but i kind of went against i don't know i was like I'm not I actually I wasn't I think I wasn't I was in like um I was in light blue jeans and like a really nice kind of like harky green tassels it's summer as well though it's summer this if it's in winter absolutely black boots you know but I don't think you can go wrong with that and but i would say dress like in something that makes you feel comfortable in something that makes you feel

like flattered so like for example you know if you've got an area for example your stomach that you're really conscious about wear something high-waisted wear something that covers it up like make sure you're going out feeling amazing like you want to walk out the door and be like i'm behind you because that confidence radiates onto like your day and you want to be like this girl like is owning it kind of yeah i know also talking of first dates because i feel like we've touched on this not on this but behind the scenes in regards to like that research that girls maybe do and i reckon boys do it too okay think about it you've matched on an app you want to get their

surname released you can try and do a little like Facebook stalk maybe find out any mutuals like yeah how far have you gone with the stalking prior to a date it's really sad and I'm really like regretful so I've obviously only really been on one first date since, yeah, 10 years ago. And why didn't I do this? No, the only thing I did was I was more concerned how many limbs he had or whether he was going to kill me. I don't. So you did.

Yeah, you said you did. I FaceTimed her juggling him. Why did I not Google him? Maybe I'm just a psycho. I think I might have tried to find him on Instagram and I couldn't because I felt like his name was quite like common right I'm not saying he's like common common as muck no when you've got a name that's yeah not different it's hard to find yeah the worst is when you find them but they're private are you private because you can tell a lot from someone's Instagram page what their friends are like The worst is when you find them, but they're private. Are you private? Give me nothing. Give me nothing.

Because you can tell a lot from someone's Instagram page what their friends are like, what they do, or unless they're not big on social media. So I feel like if you want to stalk that person that you're going out with, try and get their surname. Because I feel like Facebook, although I don't really actively use it, that's like the stalking page. Yeah.

Well, first of all all the minute you find them on facebook you can see what mutuals you have that's a conversation breaker in the first place can you imagine if you've got a random mutual and then you're like oh my god how do you know them yeah yeah so if it's a bad person maybe they shouldn't go on facebook so that's the first thing i did when i was going on a date with this guy I knew his surname and we actually discussed like oh I wonder if we've got any mutuals so we both knew that we were going on each other's date. You both did the phone check

each other. And then we saw that we had a mutual and we were like how random and it turned out that like someone that I've grown up with is his first cousin but again it was like that like okay like we don't know anyone the same except that one person so like you're normal like i know i can you validate they're not like it's like and i also think that that's quite nice when you meet someone an app and find some

mutuals it makes you feel a bit more safe i understand that again i know i laugh joke about it that like i was gonna go on a date and get killed but like you could you could it's like in all seriousness you don't know who you're talking to all these apps and i think like that's why one of the things i said about doing the facetime and stuff or one of my friends has started dating for the first time in three years and she's been having like phone calls and stuff and it's it's almost validating like they are a normal person and like because you don't know i and i would in a sense prefer to know someone or go on a date with someone who someone knew again for that someone can almost like vouch for the fact that they're normal they're not going to kill you

they're not like i don't know emotionally unstable or whatever but it's not you know especially with these apps not always the way yeah I definitely I definitely need to stop I am I feel like in my old old days of dating I was great at that

yeah I feel like I just but maybe from like FaceTiming him and stuff he felt you didn't feel the need yeah I'm just a bit weird

like I would I feel like anyone listening to this I want to hear like what your extensive searching was because what was what was the most amazing details you found out about this person prior to meeting them tash what was yours i'm not gonna lie i i did well do you know what actually i can't take complete credit my sister did most of the toolkit yeah the family involved

so um i actually managed to find does he know he's gonna yeah he does actually know and actually do I was really funny is this is how similar we are I think he did in my life but I managed to find where he lived and I found his house on zoom so um yeah another thing when it comes to dating would you kiss on the first date so I've always had rules about this and I'm like in my head it was like you never kiss on a first date and then I was thinking like who the hell makes these rules yeah make your own make your own rules so I remember so obviously I've only been on one first date recently and we've been talking a lot before we went on this date so we were very physically attracted to each other and I remember being like I can't kiss you but like can't kiss

on a first date and then he was like but why and i was like because the rule you don't kiss on a first date and he was like who makes the rules and i was like it's so true and i think as well like we'd kind of both been in very similar situations recently we were then we were like should we just make our own rules and i did kiss on the first date and do you know what it it felt right why does that dictate anything i don't think it makes you come across as easy i think if chemistry is there and you want to and you know it's not forced it's it's quite a natural role yeah not like oh shall we kiss it's just like nothing absolutely like i'm i'm gonna be honest when when i had my first kiss on that date Like, I'm going to be honest.

When I had my first kiss on that date, we were sat outside, outside the Ivy, and no one else was out there. The waiter had seen us sitting. He was like, I don't know where everyone's gone. He bought us over a bottle of champagne. So we just sat there. It was so romantic, and it just felt right. And it was honestly, bear in mind, it's my first kiss in 10 years. It was freaking amazing. And so, yeah, I don't believe it's my first kiss in 10 years. It was freaking amazing. And so, yeah, I don't believe in rules.

I believe in write your own. Why believe you should kiss on the first day? Yes. I feel like you need to know if there's like, I'm not going to waste my time with a second date. At the end of the day, whether you're going on a date just for a bit of company or you're going on a date because you want to meet your next person i feel like surely you're both going on a date because you're hoping there's some sort of attraction so i feel like you're not meet trying to meet a friend so just kiss and if the spark is there great and if it's not i agree

but i do feel like sometimes you don't even need to kiss to know a spark's there. A hundred buzzers spark makes you want to kiss them. Yeah. So I feel like it's almost like vital. I think. I don't. I think you should be in that headspace more so that you should kiss on the first date than you shouldn't. Because I think it just makes.

As well, when you think about like the whole concept of don't kiss on a first date. Literally, like where does that actually come from i feel like that's more probably like when we were younger it's probably like the way i think women were like don't don't have sex on the first date yeah i believe in that personally yeah i think even if there's loads of attraction there i sort of have this like unwritten rule in my head, like, third date, minimum. Why? I don't know, because I just think, like, sometimes it's nice to have something to look forward to.

You're not coming across too keen or, like, slutty. But at the same time, like, if you've seen each other already on two occasions and you're going on that third day and like look there's like we're adults like you don't need to like wait two months look then again I also don't want to like some people don't have sex before marriage like I'm not here like hating on anyone else's opinions just for me I feel like it's like that third day rule try not to I just tried not to do it before the third date. I'm not, it's not. Stay with him and draw the line.

So as I'm talking, I'm like, don't overshare, don't overshare. But the person that I met who I'm, who I've been talking about in this episode is actually who my boyfriend is now, which I haven't actually like spoken about on here yet yeah I have a boyfriend um and even before we met like I just knew that like yeah

like I really want to have sex with this person and I remember speaking to my therapist and she was like you are not allowed to have sex with him for a month and in my head I was like all right bring it on like give me a challenge I'll do it I kid you not like the first day like I was actually like in my head I was like how the hell like am I gonna wait for a month but I didn't succeed I didn't I can't have failure I'm happy to hold my hands up and say that sometimes I'm unable to listen to my therabin but I did the third date role granted the third date was after a week wait don't see me again we're 10 minutes we're second day we knew that third day I really really wanted to wait a month and we were that open with each other that he knew that that was like my role but like it's also quite nice that like we weren't able to wait

the chemistry so I feel like being on the same page is obviously a good starting point and maybe just trying not to do it on the first day but then again I'm sure that we're going to have stories that people are emailing us in saying like we had sex on the first on the first day but then again i'm sure that we're going to have stories that people are emailing us in saying like we have sex on the first on the first day and we're happily married with kids like i i think maybe it probably just comes down to like if that person is the right person it probably doesn't really matter but i feel like i'm the first day don't sleep on the yeah i don't agree with sleeping on the first sleeping together on the first day. Yeah, I don't agree with sleeping together on the first day. I do think, I don't know, I think as you grow up, and particularly in our situations where you've been married before, I feel like all things of things like what people have said to you before,

like don't do this, don't do this, kind of go out the window and you're like, do you know what? I've practiced all this stuff before. It all went to shit. Yeah. And I'll go, yeah, just go with the flow. I think as well, like sometimes you just have to stop overthinking things,

like, which I know we're both guilty of. I was so guilty of them. Like that was it. On this date, I was so stressed out that I can't kiss on a first date. That was the narrative in my head. And I was so obsessed with it,

but it felt, that's, I, on it, like literally, that's all all we like we both wanted it so badly we just wanted to kiss each other like why wouldn't you why wouldn't i like yeah i fancy the pants if you do yeah so i was like right screw this like so yeah that's that's not that do i think honestly you do you like and you know what like enjoy it when it comes to dating are you aware of the

three-month rule i'll take it by your face like no what's the three-month rule so someone is very able to put on a facade for they say for about three months so if you've been with someone for less than three months wait until you're at that point to really see their true behavior come out i'm not saying that they're necessarily faking it but you know showing the best parts of them yeah it's very easy to kind of like hold back argument or make sure that they're being extra romantic but i feel like there's only such a long period of time that a guy is able to keep up that image or that behavior so people do say i've never heard this well so with my therapist who by the way we are going to have coming on here

because she is a queen and i can't wait for that episode we need to organize that but she's like she's like a dating coach and what she tells me is amazing so one to three months in a relationship you are qualifying for the same values so I think that is like key when you are dating someone you've got to have the same values so you know whether that is similar family values what how you perceive like family life or like money or just ambition yeah generally as a person do you have the same value so that's one to three months three to six months is behavior so that's what i mean by like hitting that three month mark you will see behaviors from three to six month mark that you probably will never see in the one to three um because that's where well that's where you become more relaxed and you may see like certain habits that you know they make sure that they don't even yourselves like think what you may

be like with someone in the first one to three months if they've cancelled you or they've done something you're not going to be like what why have you done that you might be like oh don't worry babe that we can do like you're you're not necessarily faking it but you're trying to put on you're making more yeah you're making more of an effort with how you are yeah eventually like cracks will show not necessarily red flags just like no one's perfect so it's qualifying in that three to six months the behavior in that person if you're happy with that and then the last six to twelve months is qualifying commitment are you on the same page do you want the same things once you really know each other a bit more in depth you can then kind

of like ascertain if you want the same thing and if you've got the same type of commitment that yeah that idea of where you want so I feel like it's like that first three months is it's not I'm not saying it's the nicest and once you hit that three-month mark it's going downhill but I feel like you get a bit more real yeah it's more like normal that you're with you're going to see their bad sides you're going to see their good side you're going to just see a bit more of an all-round person so that's why for me I've always had in my head that until I hit that 12 month mark I would personally never live with the person oh yeah when it comes to having children I know that when you get older I feel like things obviously do

progress much quicker you know I've got friends that met their person and within six months they're living together and then within a year they're engaged and then they're married and they're having kids and like that's amazing but I think that when you for me when I've got children and they're going to end up being like involved emotionally with that person i wouldn't want them being in my home until i've reached that kind of like quality stage from that one month to 12 months yeah see i the thought of ever obviously the time will come where i may want to introduce someone to my children but i would never want to introduce and and that people are different you know I'm not judging anyone and you do what you think is right for you and your family I know people have introduced people after a short period of time and they just accept maybe you know it's a relationship

it might end for me I don't want to introduce anyone to my children unless I'm 100% sure that person is going to be a constant in my life and their life I don't want them to form an attachment with someone which they'd like and knowing the kind of children mine are they do and so I need to fully have that trust in someone and believe them and like a trust for me is something that is going to be incredibly difficult to gain and to be able to do. And until I can trust someone 100%, trust they're not going to just click their fingers and walk away and leave us,

like I wouldn't introduce anyone to my children. Yeah, it's interesting. And I feel like people have asked me before, like at what point would you? So you have, yeah, so I had this rule like the rules and where do they come from I had a six month rule no one has met my children until six months and it's interesting because the person that I've mentioned before who I was with like last year and it was quite short term I met daughter. He never met my children because like you,

until you see like a solid future in them and you see them being like long term, my children won't meet them. So he wasn't introduced to my kids. However, I think it's, I had this six month rule in my head, but again, it's like when we're dealing but it's like when we spoke about when you're ready to date

it's the same thing it shouldn't really be a number I agree it's when you feel I agree I don't think you'd like a number on it

so I said six months and he met them after three because how we felt for each other and where we saw our relationship going it just felt right right the one thing i won't change is that year mark of living with someone because i do think that needs to be

time personally but yeah the kids were introduced a lot earlier than i ever thought children as well to have someone living with them and but some people might think like wow three months is just far too soon. And in my head, I was like, oh, is it too soon? But it just fell right at the time. Like you knowing yourself. Yeah. And that's it.

Like if you can genuinely see and like have the confidence, I think it's amazing that you've got the confidence and that I feel like, yeah, that whole concept terrifies me because I feel like my kids are my world and everything I do I just want to wrap them in a cotton ball and yeah not let anyone else into our little life it's just stuff yeah um but it you know one day I would like I would like to get to the point where I do introduce someone to my kids.

Yeah, I think it's something, in my opinion, that should be done really carefully. I don't want them to ever be introduced to anyone and them not be a stable figure. And that's like the other way around. Like, obviously, I can't dictate whether my kids were to meet someone my ex is with but I would hope that he would have the same respect like for me I wouldn't introduce my kids to anyone without having a discussion first with their dad I know not everyone does that that's just my opinion I feel like it's a really big deal it's they are his kids as well and I would want you know my ex to know like I'm serious about this there's a reason

I'm doing it and you know I don't I don't know whether it will be the same the other way around or what but I would like I would hope that he would have the same respect because look you can't choose who your ex ends up with at the end of the day and my biggest fear is him being with someone who I don't want him to to be with but ultimately only because of your kids of my kids and the kind of people I want my kids around yeah um yeah it's a it's an area that I'm yet to obviously yeah so i did that um i also offered for him to meet him before the kids did and he said that he definitely would want to meet him but he didn't feel that he needed to before the kid but we had the discussion because that's what i would like

him to do for me you have to model that behavior yeah you could yeah so I've done what I hope to get back um and they've now met as in like my ex and my boyfriend it was okay it's honest it's fine like we're really amicable now so there's no reason for it to not be fine yeah and also like the are always there, which I think is like a good icebreaker. And you know, when you sort of like carry yourself through the kid. Yeah. Rather than like having chats with each other. And it's only on like exchanges of the kids anyway.

But it was like that, like really daunting. I'm like, like, kill me. Like I'm about to introduce my black friend. It was a bit awkward, but then I thought, do you know what? It just needs to be done.

Once it's done, it's always worse in your head. So we asked you guys, we wanted to hear about your dating stories, the good and the bad, because that is dating, isn't it? Sometimes you're going to have amazing dates and sometimes they are going to be awful. And I and I think yeah it's just really good to hear so we have got some I'm gonna share some with you some of them are hilarious yeah this first one okay so I met a guy I used to go to school with he was the hottest guy at school turned out he did not look the same he stank of smoke and was missing a tooth fuck off made my friend call me and give me a reason to leave that's one of my fears is like being

toothless i don't know why sorry to anyone if that offends anyone but that is hilarious imagine i being the hottest um and being like buzzing that you're gonna see him and then he's like not aged okay so i'm these are in no particular order they might go from good dates to bad dates i hottest and being like buzzing that you're going to see him and then he's like not aged. Okay so these are in no particular order they might go from good dates to bad dates. I think a lot of them are actually bad. I once had a first date where he talked about his mum the whole night and she wrote

a hole in capital letters and then followed by a red flag. I can't hear. I don't know why I'm laughing. I only wrote it in her. I know it's just weird. Okay never mind this is a date a guy brought two huge monkeys that he had

knitted to a person like I wish I was joking what I was like it's a soft toy he knitted

these monkeys he knitted you come in with me you come coming with me. You're coming with me. I just don't know what to say. I'm really confused. I don't understand. Firstly, I'd love to know when you find someone like this.

I can't imagine a guy sitting at home knitting, firstly. But the fact he thought it was a good idea to bring two knitted monkeys. That is so weird. I think he did a puppet show on the date. Met a Tinder date. Took me to a wine and cheese tasting night. Not quite cool. With his family.

With his family. So I go, what? Met a Tinder date. Took me for a wine and cheese tasting night. Lovely. With his family. That is so weird. Where do these points at?

These are nice. It's a good idea. What would you do? I'd run away. I would probably go to the toilet and run. That on the first date. Actually, I wouldn't. I'm such a liar.

I'm full of shit. I would just be really nice and smile and just eat wine get probably get really drunk yeah that is so weird stuff like that scares me don't ever do that guys it's not a good idea i'm sorry these are all really bad ones i feel like i might have to try and find some good ones asked me what type of contraception i was on on the first date because he would definitely get me pregnant. I just felt it. Oh my God, these people. See, I feel really bad because I feel like reading some of these might put people off dating.

Can I say one thing though? Just try and turn that into a positive. At least they're being, at, like, I find it more annoying if a man, like, just thinks that he can just have sex, not use a condom, and just assume that you are on contraception. So good for you, mate, being reliable and checking because you know that you've got very fertile sperm. Very, very fertile sperm.

Green flag, green flag. You feel really passionate about the income. Very, very fertile sperm. Green flag. Green flag. Is it? You feel really passionate about them. I'm a bit indifferent. I just think like no men ever think about contraception. Good for you. Well done. Dave from Edinburgh.

No, I'm joking. That's not his name. Okay. Went on a first date and when I got there, he was eating pancakes. And... a first date and when I got there he was eating pancakes and... I need to know, I need to join in. Where is it? When on a first date.

When on a first date. And when I got there, he was eating pancakes and syrup. With his hands. And that's not what my son... See, imagine the syrup. All that and Gerard's like, Dad, there's going to be sticky fingers. Sorry, why is that so funny?

Oh, I'm so taught. She's got this vision of, like, walking into this restaurant and this guy's sat there shoveling it in with his hands with like the syrup in between his fingers. What was that? Why is it easy before she's alive? It's really fucking weird.

Right. Do you open the line again? I'm sorry. These are brilliant. Oh, gosh. They're making me die. I can't breathe. I feel like I'd want to go on dates just for these experiences.

Me too. It's a brilliant life. Guys, that's why. If you're going for these experiences. Me too. It's a pretty life. Guys, if you're going on these experiences, write them down and make a book. Because these, like, makes me feel whole. Cried when I said I didn't want to go on another date. To him? No, the guy cried.

When she said she didn't want to go. Oh, shame. Oh, little darling. Ick. the guy cried when she said she said no oh shame oh little darling yes ick yeah yeah it's probably

a lucky escape okay went for a Sunday lunch I love my food and cleared my plate before he was even halfway through his um

four years later and we're in love oh that's cute sounds like something I'd do very good um would you hold back on what you eat like are you the salad order instead of like no i'm not i'm not so i don't eat what i want to eat yeah at the end is that i don't i don't fake order i can't I think it's a waste of food. Yeah.

As well, like, I think when you go out dating, I love going out for food. Like, I'm a foodie. I want to eat what I want to eat. Yeah. Do you? Literally, like, get me the dessert. Oh, yeah.

I'm always suggesting a dessert. Actually, do you know what? Maybe I wouldn't a dessert unless he said he was getting a dessert, but I wouldn't hold back on that. I would never order a salad. Like, I'd have, like, or whatever my first date in a restaurant shall we call it with my partner was embarrassing but i suppose it set the scene for the rest of our relationship it was a friday night and the place was packed as you can imagine we'd had a great dinner and ordered dessert god knows why but he decided it would be a funny idea to try and feed the ice cream well that's what i

thought he was doing he actually continued to splat the ice cream. Well, that's what I thought he was doing. He actually continued to splat the ice cream on my nose in front of everyone in the restaurant. He thought it was absolutely hilarious. You can imagine the looks we were getting. It didn't put me off too much. I laughed along and here we are 14 years later and two kids. Oh, I love that. But don't ever put ice cream on my face.

Okay, so we also thought that we would get some people to write in any advice that they've got for people going on day need all the advice i need yeah advice so someone's put here watch out for the red flags and observe how the person speaks to you and others i think that's really important i think it would be so off-putting if you're like at a restaurant someone's rude to a waiter yes i agree or just even the way they speak to the waiter i think says a lot about someone like how they address people and yeah but i feel like especially having been through i'm sure i can speak for both of us what we've been through i'm so aware now of not ignoring red flags i just wouldn't do it like you're not

going to benefit in any way other than hurt yourself yeah i agree um so yeah that is a very good one just go in with an open mind and what will be will be it's probably going to be the first of many and that's okay i like that i also think like in relating to that it's like not overthinking it not like overthinking am i completely ready like what what if this goes what if it's awful what if it's really good like just well this is what happened when I was deciding whether I was ready to go on my first date was talking to one of my best friends and she was like you're trying to self-sabotage already before you've even gone just like just go don't don't go in thinking what if just go in and if you're enjoying the date enjoy the date like take it for what it is so yeah i agree don't overthink it yeah and i also just feel like they don't have to tick every

single box sometimes it's more the experience that is good than anything like sometimes going on a date with someone that isn't right for you makes you learn what is wrong yeah and what you want look yeah i completely agree with that i think every experience is a lesson as to, you know, so why didn't you like that date? What wasn't about that person? What should you do next time? It's very much like when we spoke about in the last dating episode, I knew never to make the date aware that I didn't have my kids

so I can use them as a cop-out if I'm not enjoying it didn't mean those lessons but it's stuff like that someone's put here how did you find the confidence to get back out there after so long but I think that just takes time I didn't have the confidence and for me the dating was to find the confidence yeah it was to I don't know well initially it was a joke to go on the date not a joke but it's one of the things your friends do yeah see what's out there but you know when you've been through the things we've been through your confidence gets knocked massively you do feel very unattractive and unwanted and undesirable yeah and it i'm not gonna lie like it was nice to be in a position where people would be

swiping for me because they were physically attracted to me and maybe wanting to get to know me so i think as well like in that putting yourself out there just go on an app even if i will i for a very long time didn't go on dates i was just on the app so i was that annoying pen pal person although i wasn't really very good at talking i don't really know was just on the apps I was that annoying pen pal person although I wasn't really very good at talking I don't really know I was on the apps I was just literally on the app you don't need to go on dates at the start of being open to it like go on the app see what's out there you don't have to go I didn't go until I felt like I'd met someone I wanted to go on a date with like you said I think it is also building up

that confidence through dating I think if you've had a really really long episode of not doing it like for those that have been on dating apps and they are single and then they come off it for a bit they're like this isn't for me like sometimes it is just pushing yourself to get back out there because the longer you go not doing it sometimes it becomes more scary to think i also think as well like from my experience from putting myself out there like you actually realize there's some really good people out there as well and like there's people who will literally tell you like you're beautiful and you're incredible and i think when you've been in a relationship for so long where you perhaps didn't hear that you you just don't believe that anyone will ever

find you any of those things again it's just you just have to sometimes you have to do things that make you feel uncomfortable yeah it's good to be pushing out of your comfort zone sometimes they aren't for you romantically but but can become a friend i've had this and we're still friends again i like that's really nice yeah if they aren't for you, don't go to them. We wouldn't want it done to us, so explain and be nice. Yeah, I think there is a sense of it's much nicer, I think, to be honest, and just be like, I've had a really good time, but there's no spark for me.

Yes, I agree. I think that's kind of how I would be. Someone's put here, it's a lot of fun, can make you feel really great. You've actually inspired me to start dating. I'm now on date seven with an amazing girl. I love this. Yes, that's really nice. Let us know where it goes.

Yeah. We thought we'd quickly just go through one email. We're getting so many, we want to keep on top of them. Hi, ladies. Thank you so much for all you do. My children's dad and i officially broke up around two years ago now and it's still so hard in some ways neither of us are with anyone new and we still have moments where things have happened between us

which i really don't want i just think i'm trying to hold on to what i've known for the past 16 years he was a narcissist in his behavior and was emotionally abusive to me but he's i still have feelings of sadness that my kids now don't have that complete home i have three children who also have additional needs and it's so tough on my own and i often feel like i'm drowning i'm trying so hard to be strong for them we don't have a proper setup for him seeing the kids he mostly just comes over on saturdays occasionally taking them out and then sometimes visits in the week i don't really have time for myself where i can possibly start going out and meeting friends or just relaxing in peace. I hate that I still go along with things occasionally between us.

I don't really want to. I just find it really hard to let go. Like he's an addiction for me. I just want to feel free and be a good mom. I think one thing that stood out for me here is she said that he was a narcissist. I think one thing that stood out for me here is she said that he was a narcissist. And with narcissists, the thing that they thrive on is the control. And it sounds like that even though you're not together, he's still got control of the whole situation.

And it's so much easier said than done. But you need to break that control. You need to, you know, not be going back to him. You need to set a routine. These are the days you come yeah these are the days you're here you need to have that routine you need to know you've got these days to yourself where you can have that time you need to take that back control because at the moment that's yeah he's just popping in and out and sometimes he's here and sometimes he's there it's not only about being on his terms she doesn't have that she hasn't had that time to do a bit of her do things for herself so like he is still in control there and maybe if you found that kind of freedom of finding time to put

yourself first you then realize that you can find happiness doing things on your own then kind of relying on him a lot. Yeah, you need to stand up for yourself and say, this isn't working for me. We need a routine. The kids need a routine. The routine that you really need. That will change a lot of things.

Yeah. And as well, I know it's probably hard. Obviously, you say you have some feelings towards him still, I think. Maybe doing one of the things Tash has mentioned on previous episodes like writing down things that aren't very good about him and things that are amazing about you and realizing that you do deserve more especially if he's a narcissist you know it's it's horrific and i know it's really hard to break free of some some of the behaviors like But ultimately, you're giving him that control by doing it. Yeah, it's sad.

So yeah, no, I hope that that helps. It is getting that routine in place. I think that makes such a difference. Yeah, we've finally got a routine in place and it's made it work. Yes, and you can also forward plan and do things for you. Plan ahead. Yeah. Should I do one more email this is called the other woman

oh hi girls i got recommend your recommended your podcast by a friend listening to you share your stories has validated my feelings so thank you so much for sharing this i could literally write a book my husband and i were together for 14 years since we were 16. And to be quite honest, we had a good stable relationship. But I have suffered four miscarriages in the pandemic, which broke me. And I was a shadow of the woman that he fell in love with. I got pregnant for the fifth time and he suddenly left me nine weeks pregnant and blamed me for it. His whole attitude changed within 24 hours and he started acting like he didn't know me despite being his pregnant wife. Never spoke to him for four months of the pregnancy. He moved

out literally two days after leaving me and I couldn't deal with how he could do this so I stopped all contact as my midwife and I couldn't afford to be on the emotional roller coaster while I was pregnant. I got COVID eight months pregnant, told him via text and never even asked how I was. I went into early labour because I had COVID and still had him at birth. Was home alone in labour and texting to let him know that I got to hospital and gave birth within 30 minutes of being there. Then we were locked in a room for three days as I had to be isolated and he was acting all shady and couldn't look at me hit his phone so i had my suspicions i since found out

that he i've since found out that he was actually with another woman the whole pregnancy and he's now with her being pregnant on your own is the loneliest place in the world navigating motherhood while going through a breakup in a pandemic was tough and now I have the prospect of this other woman coming into my baby's life. How on earth am I meant to accept this? It would be great to hear some stories about how to navigate the other woman. I've never really spoken to the other woman as they're pretending that they've only just started to see each other despite him leaving me two years ago and for no good reason. I'm still in a lot of pain albeit I'm thriving in my life so not sure I'll ever get over this trauma. Struggled to bond with my baby as he took her away

as a newborn for hours on end so with no contact and he didn't look me in the eye for six months. Struggled to bond with my baby as he took her away as a newborn for hours on end with no contact and didn't look at me in the eye for six months, all the while I was begging for him to come home and I blamed myself for the breakup. I've come to acceptance now, but not sure I'll ever accept the homewrecker who stole my life. P.S. Looking back, I see signs now and red flags. Always out working, always on his phone,

developed a new friendship with a lad who he has been going on endless walks in lockdown with probably with now looking back it was her extremely sensitive gaslighting me like no other no eye contact literally didn't say my name for the last year when he left shady with his whereabouts. When my daughter was born, he didn't want to be seen out with me, wore a cap and lagged behind me. I really relate to that. Still with this said, he has no remorse, no apology and continues to pretend he's done nothing wrong.

Good luck with your podcast. I have a lot to say about this I I want to go back to you saying that you feel like you are really unable to kind of accept the homewrecker who stole your life she hasn't

stolen your life she's actually saved you because being with someone that can do this to you feel sorry for her rather than being in later because if if they think they're special enough that they i'm sorry my personal opinion and stuff like this yeah if they've done that to someone they were with, someone they're having a baby with, someone who they've got children with, I don't believe there's anyone that is special enough for them. Change. No.

Yeah. And I also think coming in as the other woman, how would you ever trust that person again? Like, I'm sorry, if I met someone and the way I met them was with them being a cheater I would never trust them it shows how low worse that person has for themselves that that's as good as they're going to get in the nicest possible way if you're listening to this and you've been that the other woman and as well if you're the other woman and you know I don't I'm not entirely sure whether she knew he was with someone or not. I think it's one thing. I think that a lot of men are compulsive liars.

I'm not just saying men. I'm sure some are not. I don't want to be sexist. But a lot of people who are unfaithful are compulsive liars. And they might have told said person they're not in a relationship anymore whatever but then there are situations where women fully know the other person is married and i just think i i'm personally could never be that person i don't agree with it i understand it might have been initiated by the man or the other person but i think that

makes that person equally as wrong and i agree with what you've said it's absolutely not your loss it's it's also it's interesting that she said like looking back i do see the signs now and it's not until we're out of those situations where you start seeing that actually he did this and he did this it is sad but I think that's just naturally what happens like especially when you're pregnant or you're going through something and it's locked down and like it's hard to they are they can be hard to miss like at times I I did genuinely miss the red flags and only saw them once my head was clearer. I think really like your situation is so sad.

There's nothing that we can do to make you feel better of what's happened in the past. All I can say is remember those red flags. Remember that that's the person that you were with and you deserve to be with someone that doesn't guess like you and be shady and make you feel like he doesn't want to be seen with you you don't want to be an option to someone you don't want someone i i would never want to be with someone who could be tempted by another person and if they could be

they are absolutely not good enough for you that is it categorically not good enough if i'm going to be with someone going forward i am everything they want all of me they want 100 of me you know they're not all like i really like her but oh i'm going out tonight like this girls nah like have more respect for yourself like you are a queen don't let anyone make you feel like otherwise and this this other woman who's involved, honestly, I think you have to reach the point where it's just not your problem. It's not her. It could be anyone. Someone has stroked his ego, fed his ego, given him something perhaps he wasn't getting.

And if he's that easy to sway, then he's not worth it. Yeah, I agree. And I really hope that you find that strength. And we will find strength. Yeah, realise that you are, as hard as it is to be a single mum, it is better raising a child on your own than accepting someone that doesn't know your worth and doesn't treat you well.

No, I agree. Yeah. I've got this. So this week's Stay and Leave, we're going to literally talk about three situations and me and Tash are going to give our opinions Stay or Leave. Okay. Okay.

Go. Okay. Sexting someone else whilst in a relationship has been a topic of conversation with a lot of friends. Well, that's an emotional affair. I believe. Would you? I think it depends how long it's been going on for as well in the context of it and how it's escalated i think as well things

like that where you're making a conscious every day conscious effort every day to do something you know is wrong that is what they do say like emotional affair it's just the start of a physical one isn't it that's what it stems from I would leave personally I'm unsure interesting I probably would have to leave I should change it I've got my self worth cap on damn right you do

when your husband works with the woman he had an affair with and won't leave his job no leave there needs to be a decision deal. Yeah. When your husband works with the woman he had an affair with and won't leave his job. No, leave. Leave. He needs to make... There needs to be a decision, like a discussion, like if you are not willing to leave, then we're done. If he doesn't understand why that's a big deal. Did you say that

he had an affair with her? He had an affair with a woman at work and he won't leave his job. I would categorically. If you wanted... That would be like a rule. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. I don't love them we're more like friends but we've got a six-year-old leave i would leave happiness girl you deserve to be happy you deserve to be in love yeah you both deserve to be in love and you know what if it is just based on the fact that you don't love each other that can be a really really nice

co-parenting relationship and you could both be destined for more happiness so i would leave okay so we're going to introduce a new segment which is affirmation of the week and what we want you to do is say it to yourself say it to yourself in the mirror say it out loud dance around say it to yourself multiple times a day because the whole point of these affirmations is that you end up believing them and feeling them. Yeah. So what's the affirmation of the week? Let's end this episode on a high. What are you thinking? I am enough. I am enough.

I am enough for anyone. I am enough. I deserve the best. Yeah. So I'm enough and I deserve the best. Yeah. Amen. Love that.

Anyway, we hope you loved this week's episode. Please, please, please remember to subscribe to our YouTube. Subscribe to YouTube, follow on Apple or Spotify, however you're listening to it, and just share it with your friends. Share it to those that you think would enjoy listening. And, yeah, just thank you all for the support, and we hope you enjoyed it. See you next week.

Bye. Bye.