Not As We Planned - 11. Becoming a Mother

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Trigger Warning We chat all about our first experiences becoming mothers, explaining those overwhelming feelings and sadly some births not going as planned. We also touch on how becoming parents has an effect on your relationship with your partner. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood. Not as we planned.

So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. So we are putting a trigger warning on this episode just for anyone that may find it a bit triggering talking about any type of postnatal depression or traumatic births. So this episode we kind of wanted to delve back and start right at the beginning like when we became mums and kind of talking about those first new weeks of being a mum and how that changes you as a person and how that also maybe

has an effect on your relationship with your partner and um that's sort of what we want to discuss um i feel like there's definitely topics within this that aren't spoken about enough it's that taboo of maybe not necessarily feeling all that joy and happiness after having a baby yeah I know for me that I was so desperate to become a mum and it took a lot longer than I had hoped so when I then had Blake and Ivy and didn't feel that constant joy I was a bit like this is really weird but for me I found that come day three I think it was when my milk came in the hormones and the emotions that just hit me I just suddenly felt this like overwhelming like feeling of like shit what have I done like this is my life now and it's so hard to explain

how I felt because I loved them and I was happy but I just couldn't help but always cry and I wish that someone told me that that was normal and now rightly or wrongly when people I know that I'm friends with are having a baby I do just give them that sort of like warning of afterwards you might feel really overwhelmed and have this like mixed emotions of like happiness and sadness and that's really normal and it's okay I cried for weeks literally it hit five o'clock every day and I would just cry. And I think it was a mixture of just feeling overwhelmed and that uncertainty of what the evening was going to bring.

It's all completely new to you. Yeah. And having that responsibility of these little people and it's all on you and you no longer have to think about yourself. It's just all on these children and it also does have a massive impact on your relationship as well just generally the whole dynamic of your home changes yeah um so I found that really hard and I just think it's not something that we should be ashamed of talking about you know you see all these mums and how like they're

in their lovely newborn bubble and they're really happy but I think the reality of it is is you can struggle and still love your baby and still be happy and it's really normal to feel those feelings did you have anything like that so I didn't actually experience that in either of mine um but I did suffer suffer with birth trauma um and again I felt like this wasn't something that was ever spoken about I think I went into the whole idea of birth really really naively I was really really fit and active like I was working out till 39 weeks pregnant I was I'd done hypno uh hypnobirthing. Like my baby was going to come out in the water, swim out and it's beautiful.

It's going to be beautiful and blissful and like all that crap. And it could not have been more opposite. So I was in labor for a good few days. My waters when I ended up being put on the, it being induced and I was on the drip and just a little bit of a heads up for anyone who is does get put on the induction drip like please my opinion but consider um an epidural beforehand because it literally went from like zero to fuck my life in it was just it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced um anyway that like went on the epidural made it manageable and I was like okay we can do this it's fine like we can do this doesn't matter if I've had to have pain relief whatever and then during a what's it called like a

check as to how dilated I was she was like um i think i've just put my fingers up your baby's bottom i was like sorry what so he was breached the entire time which is why it wasn't really progressing and good we were like reaching the point where you know if your waters go you've got to have had the baby out by any amount of time because of infection so yeah i got rushed to theater for a c-section and yeah i i had a really traumatic birth um basically when they pulled him out he wasn't breathing and just suddenly like the whole atmosphere changed like the buzzers went everyone was like running around and I was just laying there cut open the table and I just

remember seeing like this lifeless body over on the side all these doctors around trying to resuscitate and my ex was over there and yeah I didn't I didn't know if he was alive um um no one could tell me they they didn't know you know they were the next thing I knew they were all gone they were all out the room they'd taken him they'd taken my ex with him I remember just laying there and just being like I don't know if my baby's alive or and like no one could tell me anything the midwife who was with me called my mum my mum actually got a speeding ticket coming to find me um and yeah

it was a few hours until I found out if he was like if he was going to be okay and um I eventually got wheeled up to go and see him. It took a while because I ended up getting a temperature, I think, like the stress of it all and everything. Couldn't get my temperature down. It was boiling hot. And eventually I got to touch him through the incubator. I didn't get to hold him until the next day.

beta and I didn't get told until the next day and I just just nothing can prepare you for that and I think and as well since this happened to me I've spoke to so many women who've gone through similar I've had a really traumatic birth in some way and I just felt afterwards this enormous like feeling of being let down by my body I felt like I'm a woman like this is what we're designed for how have I not been able to do it and I can't explain it I was like at war with myself. I was so angry at myself for not being able to. Sorry. It's like one of the first times I've spoken about this in a long time. One thing I will say is I did have therapy for this.

I got to the point where it's it was consuming me quite a lot um like even things I didn't know would trigger it would trigger it and yeah I kind of knew it I needed to address it I did therapy with this amazing lady it's kind of a bit of an alternative therapy it might not be for everyone but if you want to follow her on Instagram, it is at thistherapyworks. She was incredible. And without her, I 100% wouldn't have gone on to have another baby. The fact I can even talk about this and not be on the floor talking about it, I never even was able to speak about it. But good for you for like noticing that you needed

help and actually seeking it I put all this pressure on my birth plan like I was that person who'd written this birth plan like do not ask me if I want pain relief it makes me shudder thinking about all the things but again would I have listened if someone had said it I don't know but again so after everything I went through it was kind of my mission to get talking about stuff like this because you it's like with what we're saying even with our separation it's all these taboo things things where you feel big feelings or feel certain ways we make it we don't speak about it but really it's so normal like the amount of people i know who've had a really traumatic birth probably outweighs those who have had a really positive birth from being

completely honest and i just think we need to speak about it yeah i mean like you said you felt at one point like you really like took it out on yourself and felt like your body like let you down it's probably things like that that make us not talk about it it was almost like ashamed of it yeah that's probably why people don't talk about like having a bad marriage or because it's almost looked on like it's like shame on you like you fail yeah like at the end of the day like things don't run smoothly like my birth with Blake and Ivy you know I went into labor six weeks early I didn't meet Blake till the day after he got taken straight away into NICU into an incubator on a breathing

monitor didn't meet Ivy till a few hours later like obviously anyone's idea was being past their baby having that moment having that skin to skin and it fucking sucks when you don't get it i think the reality is thank god as long as your baby is a healthy like i'd love a water birth like the idea of it you see it do you know what else it is it's like seeing it in films yeah yeah they just God. Their walls just break at home and then they just quickly go to hospital and they have a few pushes and then they're holding their baby and then they go home. So do you think as well, like, the pressure of what we do?

Like, I can't quite remember, but I think you didn't share much of your journey until after you had the kids. But I remember I shared quite – I was very open after the birth. I thought, I after the birth I thought I need to share this I need to share this to normalize it and I'd share like my walks up to see Theo and I remember this one comment I got about the kind of birth I had and Theo's weight because he was only diddy and saying how like this is all my fault because I was exercising and I cared more about my appearance and like you deserve to have like an unhealthy baby and obviously rational brain like I know that's not true but when you are in that heightened emotional day I remember

literally I cannot explain how low I felt. Because I was already beating myself up. But I just think, yeah, it's so hard in those early days because your hormones are so responsible for everything else. And meeting a baby for the first time, I know I did when I first met Theo, I did get that euphoric love for him but that isn't always the case for people I know people who didn't get that and I think

we kind of need to just normalize oh that's the end that's it's okay and it is so common I remember I think my friend like found it really hard to connect with her baby and you get this like massive guilt and it's like that start of mum guilt isn't it that you know I just feel like also it's not spoken about you you suddenly go home with this newborn baby and you're just left to just like be responsible and it's like you're at school and you learn all this crap that you never use ever again. Algebra and sin. Sin tan. Yeah.

What even is that? I know. Like, I mean, I did do child development. But, oh yes, you know, it starts. But I just feel like it's mad that like, there is no hand and you're we just make a handbook yeah it's like are they too hot are they too cold what sleep attire should they be in like how often should you feed them how do you know this yes literally like even just like thinking about those things it makes my chest feel a bit funny because you suddenly get those like overwhelming first few weeks of being having a newborn and it's so scary and it's also like

hoping that you've got that supportive partner as well it does completely change the dynamic at home whether you like to admit it or not it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative we're not sitting here saying that once you have a baby everything's going to go downhill from there on with your partner but I just feel like it is something that needs to be addressed and spoken about and it is okay to feel massively overwhelmed or sad or not happy or terrified like I remember as well because like theo was in niku and they are very strict like they have a set routine like they on this hour they feed then and they change and it was very like regimented by the clock and i felt like i haven't looked after him for five days i did i didn't have to look after him i didn't have to think about any of that someone else was doing

that for me so to then be sent home with this baby I remember like it was literally like holding the most fragile vase I was terrified I was terrified to do anything I didn't know if I was meant to stick to that routine or whether we find our own routine like I remember for like the first two weeks we literally used to set an alarm and we used to get three hours sleep and then the other person would go up to bed and the other person would tag down and that's how we lived until we hit a point where like we will die if we carry on doing this um and it's just terrifying i remember literally i'm sure every new parent does this how many times in the night do you wake up and check their breathing oh my god it's and you're like you're staring at their chest because you don't want to touch them in case you wake them and you're like

and i mean i'm not gonna lie i still do that now i'm paranoid but my mum said to me something like the worrying never stops as soon as they're born she's like i still worry about you yeah and i so get that i get that it's never gonna go I mean talking about like relationships with your partner once you've had a baby I feel like really it probably changes once you're pregnant even like just the side of things in regards to maybe like sex with your partner I know for me that especially with Blake and Ivy and that first pregnancy and your body changing and you're not maybe feeling your best or I mean you probably and this is a guest because you're very like fit and active you probably felt really good like I literally felt so gross in myself that it was a bit like

I can't bear to look at myself why would my partner want me I think there's that awkward stage isn't there where you kind of just look like you've put on a bit of weight and you don't really it's like yeah i didn't show properly for ages and i really struggled with that i carry quite small because i want to look pregnant i wanted to look pregnant like you've eaten yeah i wanted to look pregnant and once i had a bump i loved it and i'm very lucky my first pregnancy i had a really good pregnancy second one not so much but first one i had such a good pregnancy and i actually really loved being pregnant pregnant i found it really empowering um second time around i was really really sick

which is why i thought i was having a girl i really yeah my pregnancies could not have been more different how funny is that it just shows that all these old wives tales yeah oh a load of crap but i don't know i just feel like i didn't feel sexy by the way in any of my pregnancies yeah and also i feel like some men probably find it quite weird to have sex with you when you're pregnant because they find the whole concept a bit weird like i'm telling you now if there's any men listening no offense no one's got a big enough penis to hit your child's head. But I think they've got that idea. I'll put it down a peg too, babe. I think they've got this concept of like, oh my God, it might touch them.

Like, no, hon, your willy's not that big. Like, it's humanly impossible. But I get the thought. It's a bit like, ugh. And then it's like, when you get too pregnant, it's like those awkward positions. Like, you can't be on your back. And then like, so for anyone that still wants to have sex When you get too pregnant, it's like those awkward positions, like you can't be on your back.

So for anyone that still wants to have sex when you are heavily pregnant, I recommend just going on your side and sleeping. I didn't really have sex in my second pregnancy, not going to lie. But I think it's very normal. Obviously, you've got that six-week wait, don't you? I've seen the doctor after you have your baby that you can't have any like. Yeah, which is absolutely useless. Don't get me started on that.

I really, well, you don't believe in it. I don't believe in it, no. And as someone who, so I'm in my job as a personal trainer who works with postnatal women, we're meant to wait

for the six week check. But the six week check is so, in my opinion. Shit's redundant honestly i had my first check oh you had a c-section let me look at your nothing they didn't ask it was the least comprehensive thing ever if you genuinely want to be checked properly i cannot recommend going to get a mummy mot enough go and google it's a website there's a whole host of um women's specialized physios they will literally do an mot of your body best money you can ever spend honestly do it sorry so what do you believe in regards to like exercising and sex after a baby sex i'm not qualified enough to say exercising honestly it depends on the individual depends on

how they're healing from their birth things like c-section are going to take longer because you are healing so many different layers of muscle from the inside out even just a normal birth there is physical trauma like regardless of you know how it happened whether you got prolapse or what that's what i mean there's so many different factors that how can it be the same for everyone it doesn't really make sense someone who's had a really simple vaginal birth who didn't tear is going to heal quicker than someone who's had a c-section or someone who had a third degree tear and has prolapse like it's it's like anything everyone is ready at different points yeah i'll be smart and that's why i'm not just saying it because my job is really important like if you do want to return to exercise get some advice or work with the personal trainer who is experienced in that

they're not just gonna i don't know i feel really passionate about that but i also think a lot of women are scared of exercising after birth because of the wall you know yeah no I get that I guess it's also like wanting to find that your old self again and get back into like looking good you do you I again call me naive but post first baby I remember I was really fit and healthy before and I remember thinking wow this just doesn't ping back like you look like you've you're still pregnant to some degree after you've had a baby and you know you change you're squishy like my boobs were humongous. I breastfed Theo and bloody hell, honestly, I think I had some kind of oversupply issue because they were veiny, they were angry boobs.

Like they were... They were crossing everywhere. Serious anger issues. And they made me feel so unsexy and so unattractive. I remember when I'd have just like just like leakages like so that's crap everywhere i just yeah i felt so unsexy and it is again it's that mum guilt it's like you want to enjoy all your time and like you know your body's amazing it's grown and birthed a human whatever that birth looked like but at the same time you want to feel good in yourself and there's nothing wrong with that

and they're like people just like yes embrace your new mom body agree i agree our bodies are incredible but i also believe like you deserve to feel good in your body and confident in your body like literally you do and and I really hope that again I feel like let's be honest majority of our listeners are women but it's that partner of yours to give you that reassurance and to give you that affirmation of like you still look beautiful like because I never really got that yeah it's it's hindsight isn't it when you look back it's it's actually the first time I thought about it. And I thought about how things change. And I think perhaps where I wasn't feeling good and I didn't get that reassurance. I just kind of got on with it. having a newborn and this that and the other this is more down back to talking relationship wise what are your beliefs in regards to the dynamic with obviously when it's just you and your partner you're both pretty much number one to each other or should be anyway

what are your thoughts on when children are involved pecking order of your partner or how it should be or what's right what's wrong i don't think it's as black and white i think obviously and i i think that is perhaps where my ex struggled i think that's where a lot of men struggle yeah i i think that in my opinion and again this is going to be controversial i feel like when it's just a man and woman you're both a priority to each other and then a kid comes along and i think a lot of the time what happens is is the woman's first priority becomes the baby and i feel like it's a real ego dip damaging yeah for the man to realize that as you get more children they're going lower and lower in the pecking order now some people might be shouting at their phone or

however they're watching or listening and being like no no like we both went down on the pecking order like i really think that like my child became more important but i feel like and maybe this is like a really old fashioned way, but I feel like the man looks after the woman, the woman looks after the baby. However, I don't agree with this. And now this is where I feel like people are going to really disagree. And to be honest, this is more my new outlook.

This isn't what I did. But hear me out. outlook this isn't what I did but hear me out although in theory and you're always going to feel this way that your child should always come first which I'm not saying they shouldn't if you do not to a certain extent prioritize your partner over your baby you were more likely to end up with that baby in a two home family no because because as we've said before children grow up and move out if you do not have a good foundation of a partnership to look after your children together and work together to do it, you will grow apart. And that's where I think my ex struggled because I think my world became my children.

And I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. I don't want anyone to be listening thinking like, yeah, and what? Like my kid's art should come first because he's a shit because he did this. Like, I feel like there's a fine line. What I'm trying to say is maybe it's more that it should be on par rather than like kids first, husband second or husband first.

I think you sometimes need to remember that as hard as it is changing as a person and becoming a mother, sometimes I think that the husband can get left aside. I agree. I agree with that. But I also believe that there almost has to be a bit of like a mutual recognition. Parenthood changes you, mothers, fathers.

In my opinion, it changes mums more because I think physically. I agree. Emotionally. I think because of that, fathers in my opinion it changes months more because i think physically i agree emotionally i think in that because of that it has a deeper change on the man because a woman changes i'm i completely agree i 100% change so much the own is was my complete entire world I had tunnel vision okay but and I'm not I'm not saying look I'm not sitting here saying I was in a perfect relationship where I nurtured that relationship in this relationship I I do agree that more needs to be put in like you need to almost like not let your husband get left behind

or your partner get left behind you need to nurture that relationship as much as the one with your children but i also believe it's a partnership yeah like they need to have to be singing from the same song sheet yeah you know i think as well again i'm speaking purely from my experience as a woman well not necessarily as a woman just in my setup i did most of the mothering and the parenting and the day-to-day nitty-gritty of it i did every single night for you because i was breastfeeding i was the exhausted one i was the you know touched out one and it's really important that you know what I felt like I was always missing was that recognition for it that um what's the word I'm looking for like almost just that like understanding and empathy of what I'd gone through as well when you know making that time and again I've mentioned before like I'm I have absolutely been my

worst enemy over the years like I didn't want to leave my child um when Theo was 10 months we went into lockdown and I think again that's very different actually that was one of the best things for our family we had more time together i like lockdown too you know he worked from home he got more time with theo that was actually like one of the best things that happened to us um allowed you to sort of stay still and live in the moment rather than ignore it allows him to see how much i did yeah i look do you know what i think that it's really easy again to look back and be like oh i should have done this or i should have done that i just think i now have this that mentality that if and when i have a baby with someone else i guess again it still it always comes back down to that communication

you know when it's very normal to have like say like the dad's been on paternity for two weeks and then he goes back to work and you've had like a really really shitty day it's just been one of those typical hard days with your baby as you said you're touched out you're emotional you're tired and then they come back and they're complaining about their day at work and all you're thinking about in your head is you went to go to the toilet on your own you've had a fucking hot coffee wine to someone who gives a fucking shit and it's that like I feel like everyone can probably relate to that but then sometimes I think to myself and I know it's that like, I feel like everyone can probably relate to that. But then sometimes I think to myself, and I know it's very easy to say it now,

that I'm not with a newborn and my head's like in a better place. But sometimes I sit there and I think, but they are not to know what we've gone through. And I suppose their feelings and their exhaustions are still valid. Yeah, it's not, oh, but no, you can't be tired because I'm more tired because I've done this. And that is where I will do things differently. Instead of me having a go at him and resenting him for going to work and being in his own space, it would be, I'm really sorry you've had a shitty day. I've not had a great one too. Can we have a card up?

And then talk about it and we never did that i think that it's really normal for mums especially with that tiredness as well and if you're doing the breastfeeding and you're the and they're not maybe pulling their way it's so easy to suddenly feel that there's this like divide between the mum and the dad and have that resentment. Yeah. Their life doesn't, my opinion, their life doesn't change as much.

Of course it doesn't. Or nice as much. But in a way, and I'm not sitting here just saying like, mums, you need to just like, you know, grow a pair and get on with it.

But it is not the dad's fault that their life doesn't change as much. I agree. And I feel like I'm just going into my new relationship and a new situation in a very... Look, this may all go out the window. I'm going to go and have another baby. I'm going to be a fucking emotional wreck

and I'll just be a vile... How dare you moan about being fucking tired? I'm talking about tiredness. But I don't know, I just feel like it's hard on both of you for different reasons and it always comes back down to communicating it do you know what it's one thing I don't think either of us did in our relationship so was communicate about how bloody hard it was we'd moan about it but we we didn't sit and talk about it in a way that was actually helpful or productive or how can I help this situation what I do to me yeah I feel like

it does become a bit of like a one-up a competition of like well not really because I did the bottles last time so why don't you go and do bath or do you know what I mean instead of really being a team and I think also I'm now talking like weeks or months further down the line because you might be breastfeeding and feel gross or you might have had like a traumatic birth and c-section recovery but get trying to get back to being intimate doesn't have to be sex but just intimate I think will have such a change in your relationship and I feel like especially when I had Rome there was such a lack of that of again I know it's easier said than done like trying to do date nights but don't date nights don't have to be going out the house with Rome he was a major cluster feeder like he literally was attached to my boob. I kid you not, from 6pm to like 11pm.

I sat at the dinner table with him attached to my boob. He had like chicken in his hair. So like there was no opportunity to go out. But I just think it's trying to remember that you are people without your children. And again, I never did that. I know it's so easy. Like there may be people listening to this with like a three week old in the sling right now.

And you're listening to this podcast with your AirPods on and you're thinking like, but I don't want to be intimate. Like I feel gross, but I just feel like the longer it's left, the harder it is to get back. I agree. And I think if I'm being completely honest,

I think my relationship started to go downhill after we had Leo and after it became more normal and real because we never got that intimacy back. We never, I never felt like... And do you think that would have happened even if you didn't have kids? No.

We were always, Houston and I, I just do think kids change everything. Kids have changed me massively. Kids change everyone. But I think the dynamic in my house changed so much like I can literally pinpoint it to my relationship a hundred percent change since we had the kids we lacked intimacy we didn't cuddle up like we used to and again i'm not sitting here blaming people it's both parties to blame like neither of us made the effort i don't think and it's actually really sad now i think about it and i reflect back that's that's four years it's a long time that's a long time

and i remember i'm i'm a very physical. And when you're going through all of that, you know, and you're not feeling confident in your body. You know, at the time I was dealing with my birth trauma and everything else life throws at you. And one of the things that could have potentially saved it was that open communication. But again, when I talk about communication I don't just mean talking about things I mean being heard being listened to

being validated yeah working together to resolve a problem yeah um it makes me quite sad to know And it makes me quite sad to know that something very important to me in a relationship changed. And I guess the point of this episode is for anyone who is new to having kids, almost like learn from our lessons, like that communication and sitting down and having those very open, honest conversations. You know, like, I need you to tell me that I'm beautiful or to cuddle me or to, you know, it is that physical connection. And we just didn't have that for so long. And I remember sitting talking to one of my um nct friends and well i think she was talking about her her and her partner and you know like the first time they'd slept together since the baby and i just couldn't relate but i remember thinking like is this normal is something wrong like he doesn't want to be with

me and it's not till now to see where I am I look back and I think it was the start of everything that's I guess followed and it was probably the start of the breakdown of my marriage which is really sad because really we'd we'd been married a year yeah and I don't want anyone listening thinking like, you know, there could be people listening that are just pregnant. They haven't started that motherhood journey yet. Or, you know, people that had a baby six months ago and they haven't yet slept with their partner. That's not a red flag. Like, I think it's more we're trying to get out there.

It is that communication. Like, it's all we say, but it's so true. It is being on the same page. It is being heard heard it is validating each other's feelings it is difficult for a man to adjust a just to adjust to not only are they becoming a dad but realistically they probably are slightly being put in the shadows yeah they're not but what i think what i want to sort of get across which is i'm saying that i wish i did and i will make sure i do is being trying to be more aware of that i

agree because i wasn't i only thought i am not saying he should have done this he should i completely agree and i've always said it like for marriage and a relationship take two people to that I should have made him probably feel more important and I feel like when you become a mom that's the last thing you're going to think of because I do think you just think tunnel vision no but it's just like he's my husband or he's my partner like it's fine we'll be fine but like relationships take work and it's things like this that you know I do sometimes sit back and reflect or when I'm journaling and regardless of the mistakes or the situations that maybe my ex did there are still things that I absolutely could have worked on that I have learned and I will make sure I do no one one is perfect. And like I said, you don't get a handbook.

And I think the things we're trying to also factor in to regulating ourselves and being these amazing partners and wives and mother is like, we're talking about having a baby. We're talking about sleep deprivation. We're talking about, as they get older, managing behaviours, managing emotions, managing day-to-day mundane life managing this that the other trying to juggle everything trying to juggle your own feelings and trying to be the best version of

yourself the best mother the best wife the best partner it's bloody hard and i think you can only learn from your experience and you can only you you can sit here we can sit here now on the flip side looking back yeah i wish i'd done this i wish i'd done this but in my when i was living it that's you know that's how things are you when i was in it i didn't think I was no you're doing anything wrong I was just taking it a day at a time being a mum doing what I could and I do believe that at the time I did have a supportive partner who really did his part to you know be that dad that I needed help with I think just somewhere along the lines sometimes people get so caught up in being a mum that they're no longer a partner and I'm not sitting here saying that you need to make

the effort even if he doesn't I'm just sort of speaking from experience what maybe I would do differently next time if you're ever feeling a certain way you're feeling like you know they moan quite a lot and you're sort of feeling a bit resentful rather than taking that resentment out on them and talk about this when you said that the other day it sort of made me feel this way and yeah good communication you're going to survive forever hey just talk about it hit and listen to each other like it's the biggest thing i have learned over the years and and i don't want to be again like just constantly talking about bad things but like having kids and and bringing up a a human that you have made together is the most magical thing like i don't want people sitting here thinking that like once you

have kids it just goes downhill from there like I just say having kids is the best thing that's ever happened to me like honestly when I think about the best things in my life it's my children yeah they have changed me and they've changed me into a better version of myself they have made me look at life so much differently they honestly like it's like what i've said at the start like everything i've been through this year they either read they are what have got me through it like just then they are oh i honestly like put so anyone listen to this who's about to have a kid and like oh my god what have i done honestly it's the best thing that will ever happen it's the hardest thing hardest thing in the world but the best thing that can ever happen

to you i genuinely believe that so we thought we'd um go into a few emails um before we end the episode so have we got one for us so hi i wanted to share my experience with you regarding my stay or leave second chance scenario it's a a bit of a long one. Thank you for taking the time to read. I've been married to my husband for nine years and we have two young children. We have always had a great marriage. My husband is great, really hands-on with the kids, very supportive towards me and just generally one of the good guys. We had a very traumatic experience with the birth of our first child and in the early weeks too. Our sex life became less and less and general life parenting challenges took over.

We had less and less time together as a couple but still remained strong. When our first child was two, my husband out of the blue admitted to me that he'd recently cheated on me during a night out. He described it as a drunken mistake, a one night stand that he regretted instantly and was very, very remorseful.

He decided to tell me he couldn't live with the guilt and thought I deserved to know. My whole world fell apart. I still loved him but couldn't believe he could do this. It absolutely floored me as it was something I would never expect him to do. I trusted him 100%. To cut a long story short, I decided to stay and he continued to show remorse and rebuild my trust. If I'm honest, it was just brushed under the carpet. We're good at that, aren't we?

Especially you. And we never really dealt with it head on. We continued with the same routine as before. Still a strong unit, but never really finding the time for each other. Just juggling busy life. We went on to have our second child and again had quite a difficult experience during the birth but everything was great. We had our family unit and were happy or appeared to be. We still hardly ever had sex or much quality time together and it has become and it has since become

apparent that there were underlying issues not being addressed. I was suffering from PTSD from the trauma of our first birth and it has since become apparent that much of this was affecting us both in our relationship. When our second child was about six months old my husband admitted to me that he had cheated again. Another isolated incident which he regretted immediately. He told me that he thought he needed some help with his mental health and that he was struggling with a lot of issues which he had kept hidden. Again, my whole world was shattered. How could he do this again? I loved him so much but could not get over it a second time around. My husband was again very remorseful. I had weeks and months of not knowing what to do,

wanting to stay and work through things but thinking that the right thing to do would be to leave as he'd done it for a second time we continued living together and kept things the same from the kids but i was unsure what my future held my husband asked for a chance for him to prove to me it could be different this time said he would seek help get counseling and work on his issues over the next weeks and months he worked really hard to get to the bottom of why he had done this. He said he loved me, hated himself for what he had done and needed to understand why. His self-esteem was very low.

He had experienced thoughts of taking his own life as he felt we would be better without him because of his actions. He had many counselling sessions, attended various groups and courses and he worked really hard to salvage our marriage and proved to me that he could be trusted and also work on his own issues and mental health. This process is still very much ongoing and I've decided to stay and continue our marriage. We are almost two years on from me finding out about the second incident and I can honestly say we've never been happier. We've both dealt with and addressed a lot of personal issues.

I know a lot of people think I'm crazy for staying and say he will do the same again. I get it. I would probably think the same. But my husband's actions have shown me and still continue to show me how sorry he is. I now understand what led him to do what he did. Through individual counselling and couples counselling, along with many other things we have worked on together, I think together is key,

it became clear that there were issues in our marriage previously that never got dealt with. I think together is key. me how hard he is working to keep our marriage strong there have been days where i've where i thought what the hell am i doing but he constantly shows me that we have something special and is continually building trust listen to your podcast has cemented to me that i'm doing the right thing by staying it's helped me to confirm that we do have something worth fighting for and i'm not just staying for the kids we are happier than ever now and our sex life is great too it's hard to put into words my story with that is sounding like i'm defending his actions but hopefully this might help someone in a similar situation who feels like there is no way through it things can be better and if both parties are willing to work to change and work on things then it can work out it doesn't always have

to end badly so obviously you reading that i wasn't aware of what the end was going to be but I sort of found myself thinking of things like don't think cheating is as black and white as you did the deed, you were wrong. Obviously, she hasn't gone into a lot of detail, but she has explained through therapy individually and together there's been underlying issues that have led to why he did it. That's sort of what I was trying to explain is and I know you're probably in your head right now thinking absolutely not I would never put up with that goodbye but sometimes I do think that is a prime example of what I was trying to get across is look the second time around it shocked me a bit listening to it that he did it again but they never resolved it from the first time around so it's like shit will keep on happening until you get to the root of the problem and it's finding out whether that root of the problem

and solving it is worth sticking around and obviously that is proof God, may it continue. That sometimes it can still work. I agree. And I know what you're going to say. You've got to be the right type of person. Yeah. You are that person. I'm like going into your head and not even letting you speak. But I know what you're going to say.

I have experienced someone close to me who has done the same. And I think the key factor here is he has taken responsibility he has gone and sought help but they've worked as a team together yeah and that i admire this lady because i think it does require you you to be a certain person to be able to it does require you to be a certain person to be able to not forever bring that up i i am not that kind of person and again like so i'm not here judging like i'm actually i'm really it's really nice to read a story where there's a positive ending to something like that i just know as a person i am couldn't do that again I've experienced it in my own life where someone close to me has done pretty much the exact same and I can vouch for the fact they're

happier and more in love than ever and I think it's amazing that someone can do that um but again it's it's what we always come down to it's the communication it's the responsibility it's the teamwork yeah I'm really pleased that you've managed to to work together yeah I know it's like it's as you said it's nice to kind of hear the ending at the end of that and it shows that sometimes it can work I think in my head I'd want to do what she did and I think it can work but I'm it's like in my head I want to do what she did but I know that I'm like yeah but I don't want to be do you know what I mean I am that person that would bring it up in their face I know face I know as much as yeah that does sound desirable

but I don't have that in me and I think that's also okay yeah okay so we're gonna do some stale leaves scenarios now so yeah me and Tash off I don't have a deferring opinion hit me up

okay partner gambling every penny he owns and drink driving arsehole but i love him so i i mean i love the bluntness arsehole but i love him hold on would you read that again partner gambling every penny he owns and dream of leaving. Arsehole, but I love him. No. Sorry. Yeah, I would leave too. Yeah, sorry, you love him. But he's an arsehole.

You can do better, hon. You can do better. Calls me names. Address it. Address it, and if it doesn't stop, then it's not okay. I don't like that. I would probably leave it depends like

how serious the relationship is yeah like if you're like 10 years in with kids and stuff he's like oi bitch I'd be like

hun like not okay can you call me something it's just respect isn't it yeah that's uh communicate

and it needs to change if it doesn't then there's probably a lack of respect somewhere yeah I agree I love him but he just doesn't support there's probably a lack of respect somewhere yeah i agree i love him but he just doesn't support me invest in us how i need i think supporting your partner is really big for me it's massive to have someone who supports you and like she says like invest in us how i

need i feel like that means like you're not on the same page well yeah like i need yeah. If your needs aren't met in a relationship and you don't have the support, then it's not really a relationship, is it? Unfortunately, I'm going to have to say leave. Yeah, I would leave too. Have two kids. Won't live with us. Stays with his mum. Literally won't commit.

We've been together 13 years. She's trying to make it work for the kids or leave it's like he wants the best of both worlds no i'm sorry but you have kids together he's been together for 30 years and if he doesn't live with you that's that is the biggest red flag i would live as much as possible why and i'm really sorry i have a hundred times better yeah you're pretty much already doing the single mum life. Leave. Yeah. So I would say leave. Okay, so we are going to end this episode with another affirmation. And we hope you're enjoying these and we hope you're actually like saying them.

So yeah. I want you to repeat these. Yeah, definitely. I feel like we need to make one relevant to this episode. So I'm thinking something like, I'm a good mum. I'm doing my best. And is enough i love that repeat it i'm saying that to you i am a good mom i am doing my best and that is enough amen amen say that to yourselves guys thank you so much for listening and we will catch you next week don't forget to subscribe to our youtube go and follow us on spotify and apple podcast also make sure you're

following our instagram page and share honestly we cannot explain the power of you sharing what we're doing we're trying to get the message out there send it to your friends on whatsapp send it put it in your instagram stories everything just try and help us grow and reach the right people yeah thank you so much guys we'll see you next week bye