Not As We Planned - 12. Continuing the Healing Journey

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

Discussing more into our healing journey, our biggest fears of ending our relationships and how it can impact new relationships. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. So today we wanted to talk a bit about, just kind of more into that healing process. I feel like we've obviously touched on it quite a bit and we had that whole episode on journaling and manifesting.

But I feel like I get asked a lot about when did I really know that I was ready to leave and did I worry that I'd regret it and yeah I go back and it you know I know that our situations are different but I feel like for me I think one of my biggest fears maybe not even knowing i don't know if i was aware of this but my biggest fear was being on my own starting again it's so daunting however long you've been with someone if you thought that you were going to be with them forever and you've got kids with them it is almost like scarier to to leave and start again than maybe just put up with whatever you're putting up with yeah which obviously I'm very guilty of so I think we wanted to touch on that definitely because was there ever a point like so after you decided I'm done now was there ever a point you were like what have I done or how do you

do you think it took for you to reach that breaking point that you were like there's no going back I'm 100% I knew that there was no going back so I've never really shared this and I don't want to go into too much detail, but there was a situation where we did separate in, I think it was like the April. So last year in the April. And that's when I told a few friends what was going on because no one really knew anything. Yeah. And then, but it wasn't me that said it. It was actually him. when I told a few friends what was going on because no one really knew anything yeah and then but it wasn't me that said it it was actually him and then a few days later he backtracked

and um was like I didn't mean it let's go to therapy so because I wasn't at that point yet what I had like I'm done I was like okay yeah let's go to therapy and it is sad when you look back and I feel like I was sort of begging for the bare minimum which is just horrible so we did the therapy and then after that and a few other events as I've spoken about before I just had moment, that light bulb moment where I was just like, what am I doing? Yeah. So that's when I then was like, actually, I'm done. And from that moment onwards, I've never looked back.

Yeah, I think I got, I was at that point now in my head where I knew that things weren't going to change you know when you I think a lot of people hold on hoping that things are going to get better and you just get to a point where you're I think I was I had that acceptance where like this is as good as it's going to get and it's not good enough anymore so I feel like when you know people message me and they're like I just I worry that or regret it or when did you know that it was time to leave sometimes maybe people aren't so sure and they have to take that risk but I think you've always eventually got to look back and kind of like reflect on what is it

you're holding on to and I saw this thing on TikTok and there were like a few questions and it was like ask yourself these questions and these questions I could literally like really relate to based on my last relationship one of them was do you truly love them or do you love what you believe they could be their potential yeah another question was would you be happy if your children or your one day if you don't have children like a child of yours were dating that person that's an interesting and that like that hit me a lot because I was like no I wouldn't I wouldn't want my kids settling from what I had and then the last one was are you truly fulfilled or do you feel like being with them is just making

you feel less lonely and that really hit me because that's where the fear of being on my own came in it wasn't I'm with him because I really believe that this relationship can work and we're going to get better it was that scared yeah of the unknown and what if the grass isn't greener and what if I'm going to be on my own forever but I think it just gets to a point where you're like enough is enough and it's time to just you know put yourself in that unknown yeah and I think just listening I it just makes me so aware of how different our situations were because for me there wasn't like a lot of ruminating and thinking like could I be happier this that for me I was obviously in a

position where I felt enormous disrespect enormous distrust and it was I think a lot of it came down to just like I'm very self-aware of the person I am like I just knew straight away that was the end and I was so certain it was it don't get me wrong there were maybe one or two times after I'd made the decision to leave where I was thinking, have I made the right choice? But it was never about me. It was for my kids. Have I made the right choice for my kids? Like, do I try? Do I try and make it work?

Do we try and go to therapy? But again, I think those were more like just moments of weakness, like when I was feeling particularly low or sad or you know like going through the emotions of the grief that you go through yeah and but i knew in my heart of hearts that that that it was over and i it's a lot of people think wow like she kind of just ended it just off this one incident or whatever it was that happened but I think and I I guess a lot of that comes down to like own self-worth own self-respect I just something went in me I just knew that was the end and it was awful it was so difficult and like you said I think the biggest and hardest thing for me

is that being on your own not necessarily being on your own but it's starting again when that person like so many different stages of my life have happened with him with a person like living I've never lived anywhere on my own like even the concept of being in a scary house on your own like for me that's a bit like that's quite kind of scary yeah you know things like parenting on your own things like having to think about everything I don't know just like obviously like the financial implications just it's terrifying but at the same time I just knew I was done and I was going to have to make it work somehow I had no idea how and I think that's okay I think one of the things I get a lot of messages saying like I'm in a really unhappy marriage I really want to leave I'm miserable but I can't I'm stuck

financially I'm stuck this and god it is so hard I mean I'm still figuring out you know how I'm gonna make things work and I just I have to have faith that everything will be okay and everything will work out um but I'm also incredibly self-motivated that this will not like someone else I refuse to let someone else and their actions and their choices to impact the life I dreamed for myself if so that's how I feel like no yeah my kids it's like that's why I booked my holiday with my boys I'd always wanted to travel with them as kids no someone else's actions aren't influencing that I'm gonna have that life I'm gonna have the life I dreamed of do you know what's

gonna be even better than before it is because now and a lot of it comes down to that self-respect and it is really hard because when you've been treated or mistreated should I say for years on end without really being aware of it you end up believing a certain thing about yourself I know for me massively coming out of my breakup and I guess I'm only really realizing the impacts it's having but like I came out having very very little confidence in terms of like body confidence feeling attractive feeling beautiful feeling lovable because of how things played out in my relationship and you know you can sit here and that's one thing I was thinking earlier today like as a PT and as what I do and I get like women coming to me all the time like yeah I want to feel amazing my body

I want abs I want this I want that like I want to feel amazing and like one thing I've just really been thinking of is when we're doing those things we have to make sure we're doing them for ourselves not to please other people not to look good for a man not to look good for social media but for ourselves yeah like this doesn't sound big-headed but like I've I've had a fit body for a few years now and I was with someone and for that person they didn't find me attractive anymore and I think I don't know it just became really apparent like people were chasing this ideal body and things and you can have everything and that still won't be enough for the wrong person yeah so you have to make sure everything you're doing like whether that's I don't know getting a treatment done to your face or everything should be done for you to make you feel more confident to make you feel better don't

ever stop and do things for anyone else i think it was last night i thought about it just something something clicks and i was like so i was thinking even beyonce got bloody cheated on queen b got cheated on like you could literally be anyone in this world and it won't be enough for the wrong person it's exactly that it's for the wrong person where you can do everything but if it's for the wrong person it's never going to be enough no and it's like i said like i was i said like i begged for the bare minimum and that it's that's also just so sad to think that like I don't know that looking back and how far I've come in just over a year is amazing because I was that person that felt like I need to be a certain way someone for someone else and you know what kind of hair you've got or how thin you are or like that's not going to make someone be faithful

to you um and i think that's also made me also concerned to kind of like how we are with social media and comparing ourselves to other people and seeing other people whether it's like a photo of them in a bikini or even just like a photo of a couple and they look so happy but comparing yourself to something that isn't potentially real can be really dangerous yeah it is and as much as we sometimes convince ourselves we don't I sit here and scroll and compare myself all the time yeah or my life or whatever it is you know you're looking at people thinking how have they got all this they look I wish I had a relationship like that I wish my marriage was like that but it's not the case what are your thoughts on um posting like relationships and stuff on social media

I think it's so dependent on who's in the relationship you know I think and again it's hard like with us and what we do a lot of our life revolves being on social media and again it comes down to the person you're with like if i was with someone who wanted their privacy respected my value for that person and their kind of wishes are way more than um being like no like this is my job you have to be on social media like funny i read this that i saw this thing on tiktok and it said um the longer the caption of like just say they post like a photo them and their partner the longer the caption the worse the relationship and i know that's obviously not true some people are going to be sitting here and listening and thinking like oh, no, I'm in the happiest marriage.

And I write a long caption for them because that's what we do. I don't think there is a right or wrong. But that video just made me laugh because I guess there were times when I posted a really lovely birthday post to my ex. And it was a bit like... But some, yeah, it's, look, I think sometimes people can use social media to maybe even try and convince themselves they're in like an amazing relationship. I'm probably, I've probably been guilty of that. But I don't think things necessarily need to be on social media for it to be a valid happy loving relationship i think because of the day and age we live in because of like everything a lot of things are on social media we seem to put this pressure of like i don't know everything having to go on social media actually like it's quite nice to have some privacy and it depends on the kind of person you know there are some people

who literally don't post on social media i I think particularly our generation, you've either got people who do or don't. More so men, I would say, than women. And that's okay. But yeah, so I saw this thing. It was a real, I think. I'm not a TikToker like you. But it said something like, if your man's not posting you on social media,

he's not proud to be with you. And I don't necessarily think that's true because it depends on like the kind of... I'll tell you where I agree with that. If this guy is active on social media, if he's active on social media and is posting stuff of him and at the gym and at work and isn't willing to post you, I think that is a bit of a red flag.

But if that person isn't active on social media and the last time he posted was like in 2017 don't need like a post about me and how amazing I am I'd rather you about my health yeah I'd rather you tell me yeah what your thoughts on relationships on social media then well I've recently posted yeah my boyfriend on social media and I feel like you're gonna always have mixed um opinions on that I just felt because I'm I I think people knew that I had a boyfriend but I hadn't really shown him um I just kept getting messages like when are we going to see him when are we going to see him and I think it's those people that like I'm not saying I posted it for my followers but like I feel like these people are invested in like my happiness and they're always

messaging me being like you look so happy like it's so nice to see you happy so I thought you know what like I am and this is the reason why so I've posted it that doesn't mean that you know you're going to see these like soppy grid posts please don't yeah like I feel like that's not my page yeah pages about me and my kids and if and when things change and you know he then becomes part of my family or whatever then maybe he will be more on it but generally it's not really something that I think in my head. Like, I'm going to post. It was his birthday the other day. I didn't feel the need to wish him a happy birthday on my page

because he doesn't really use social media. So I told him to his face. Yeah. So I don't know. I feel like I don't really have any, like, rules in my head. I wanted to share him to somebody right yeah yeah right and if it then feels right to post him another time I will and you're going to get the people that hate and you're going to get the people that like it I've had people like look I think whatever

you post on social media people feel they have some kind of right to know stuff as well and I guess that's where lines can get quite blurred because I understand people are invested in my life and and do you know what like I genuinely do believe a lot of people do just like want to see you happy and it's nice to I don't know watch people go through like a really crappy time and come out feeling happy like i've had so many amazing comments like the smile on your face and all this and yours are you give me hope yeah 100% made me feel yeah and that's what i like yeah i'm not just posting it just because i want to it actually it does help people yeah it's really not so i obviously recently last month i went away

and i didn't post who i went away with and like literally like people are like when are you gonna post who you're away with i've seen a man arm and like a man arm i could just have a friend with slightly hairy arm you know like i don't know some things are quite nice to keep to yourself and i think you know when it's just nice to take that pressure off like if you want to post about something you can but I understand what you're saying one thing I would say is you know when people say like how did you know you were ready to like leave or move on or date and I know we've spoken about that and we've touched on that quite a lot in other episodes but one

thing I will say that I thought of the other day is making sure that you don't go into a new relationship feeling like because I was scared to be on my own and what I wanted to make sure of is what I wasn't going into a new relationship to fix that to just not feel lonely yeah yeah yeah if you go into a new relationship because you're scared of being on your own, I feel like your standards are probably lower. You'll probably accept less than you deserve. And then I feel like that is a start of a bad relationship where you're reliant on them for the wrong reasons.

And then probably also scared to leave. Because if you're going into it. You're just getting yourself in the same situation. situation yeah if you're going into it because you're scared of being on your own so I always like had this like thing in my head of whoever I end up with however it happens I will make sure I do not ignore any red flags and I do not settle for less than what I think I deserve yeah because I think that is only prolonging is that the right word yeah prolonging it is like the inevitable which is it will end badly yeah and again not even just ignoring red flags but also making sure you're seeing all those green flags that you now know are important like communication yeah this and that and i think i

think that's that's that for me is the biggest thing is is having that list that was spoken about of qualities you want in a future partner and not having them like that's non-negotiable things like being able to communicate non-negotiables and again if you're in the relationship just seeking company or seeking some form of security in just being with someone you're going to be compromising on those qualities that are important to you yeah i do appreciate especially when like women especially we have a time frame of when we can have kids if someone you know I feel like getting divorce having kids there's pros and cons of course but getting divorce and not having children yeah you then still have that kind of like pressure of time and one thing that I would

say and the advice I would give is if you see a lot of green flags being ticked and boxes being ticked that you like, even if there are some that aren't being ticked, don't settle for what you think is the best of a bad bunch. Yeah, not necessarily the best of a bad bunch, but like, oh, this person so far out of everyone else I've gone on a date with, he ticks the most boxes. Don't be greedy. I'm not going to find someone that yeah and no one is perfect but someone can be you know

ticking all your boxes but they're i don't know how to say it because i'm saying that no one's perfect which they're not but that doesn't mean that someone won't be perfect for you does that even make sense what what I've just said? Like, if there's something that's missing, but you're like, oh, do you know what? I shouldn't be picky because everything else is really good. Let's just ignore that factor. Yeah.

I don't think that's right. That is where mistakes get made again. I don't want to go through what I've been through again. I mean, no one does. No one wants to go through it the first time. It depends what it is, doesn't it? Like, if it's a... Say, for example, you've met someone

and they're ticking every single box that one thing about them isn't good and it's important in a relationship. Maybe the sex isn't good. Yeah? Like you've got connection, but you don't have the chemistry. Like that may not be important to a lot of people

but i think that that's really necessary in a relationship so all i'm saying is don't ignore things that are missing and that are important that are important even if everything else is good yeah i agree oh like my ex didn't have that or i didn't have a good relationship with his family how nice i'm close with his family. No, no, no. I'm going to ignore what's not good and let's just concentrate on the good. Because I guess that's what I'm trying to say is don't ignore the bad and just concentrate on the good. You need to look at the whole picture. the flip side of that though if you've got someone who is presenting all green flags and a load of

things on your list but because you've only had negative experiences your instinct might be to self-sabotage and I think that is something that look I'm just going to hold my hands up and say it's a situation I've been in where I don't know, like the prospect of being in a situation where you might end up really caring about someone or whatever it might be, because I don't know, you might think things may happen too soon or whatever it is. it is and I think sometimes we have it in us to try and self-sabotage something because a we might think we're undeserving of a certain kind of love or a certain kind of happiness or being treated in a certain way or we can feel like something's too good to be true like there has to be a catch like this person can't be this amazing like it's impossible and I think sometimes we can actually be our own worst enemy because we've got this seemingly amazing person in front of us and we're like it's like you're waiting for the bad sort of like bad to happen yeah like you're so not used to everything being good yeah it's like so what so it must be so what's the case so because things are good

in my head when I'm sure I know I'm not the only person there has must be something what's the case so because things are good in my head when i'm sure i know i'm not the only person there has to be something bad yeah and i think that can be quite like it's it's not good no like i can relate to that and i feel like we've spoken about it before where you're kind of there's only so much healing you can do on your own and then i feel like you're going to start learning triggers and situations in a new relationship that will help you heal. And that in itself will show you if you're with a good person because how they react to your triggers.

So I feel like, I'm not saying it's almost necessary, but that's why I was saying in a previous episode, don't wait until you feel so healed and ready because there's always going to be work to do yeah and then it's not and heal and it's no but it's not necessarily elements that can't heal it's going to be elements that I don't think you're even going to realize need to be healed until you're in a new relationship and there have been things that have come up in my new relationship that are absolutely triggers from my parallel relationship and it's almost refreshing to see the repair and the like

discussion and the communication around that which is so alien to me because I was in a relationship where communication really really lacked so I feel like it's almost it's arguments in general not just triggers but arguments in general I think in a relationship are vital they help you grow together though I absolutely deal with them I think even if you argue every day with a partner so even in like your existing relationship with your husband even if you are that couple that argue every day, that's not a problem. It's not about the argument. It's about how you resolve it.

And come together. Yeah. I also think it's about how you respect each other. I think it's really important to be able to respect someone that you may have different opinions, but it's how respectful you're being about it or how you're taking on board things that are implicit and listen and listen but actually listening actually listening and actually I don't know you being that team and working together I think yeah it's very much like when someone says sorry like it's not the sorry it's it's the business what's the change no it it's not even you know like just say for example we

had an argument and you were like oh i'm really sorry but but what are you sorry for like have they actually really taken on board what the issue is to make sure that it doesn't happen again rather than just it being a word so i feel like i feel like argument in all relationships are actually necessary. Yeah. Because it's a way of seeing if you're with someone that is good at that, like repair and reconnect after an argument. That's telling, I think. I agree.

And again, I think it's completely agree with what you're saying about the triggers. It's like, especially if you're with someone new and you know you'll find you're discovering triggers come up I think as well again it's that open communication between you and that person getting them to understand why things are a trigger but also like it's it's their response if you know I think it's really important particularly when you have you are carrying past trauma and i guess that is what it is it is past trauma that you're with someone who i don't know says to you what can i do if this situation occurs what can i do to support you or what can i do to make sure you feel safe and secure with me and i think i don't know a lot of it just a lot of it's like

almost like a maturity in a relationship I think something probably both of us lacked to some degree about again it's the validating of feelings and it's making people feel seen and heard and understood and it's that teamwork isn't it it's that mutual respect it's that working together it's understanding those triggers but it's it's I don't think you need to get to a point where you're not going to be triggered by stuff like I think when we as we grow and we go through different things in our life different things happen to us and we experience and we learn from different things.

And of course those, we're going to take those things into our future relationships. And I just think that is part of like the growing process and like evolving into better and better people and having better relationships. That's why like I can't remember what I was reading the other day. It was saying like, as people kind of people go through marriages, like first marriage, second marriage,

what ones are more successful? And often it's the second marriage. Where you're not able to say. Yeah, and it's learning from mistakes. And it's being able to work with other people in order for your relationship to be so much more fulfilling and loving and successful. They say, I I mean who are

they but I saw this thing and it said the biggest reason for a breakdown in a marriage isn't infidelity isn't money problems it is a lack of communication where something is maybe bothering you you do not communicate it, you build up resentment for it, you build up this narrative in your head and then you start resenting the person that you're with for not doing something or not changing in a way that they're not aware that they're meant to be doing.

If you do not have good communication with the person you're with, I find it really hard now looking back to see how that will ever work successfully because no one's a mind reader if you're not willing to open up and tell someone how you feel how you want things to be or how you want things to change then you are sort of stuck you're not you're not gonna improve or grow together. And again, it's the response that I guess maybe some people don't communicate in the fear that, I don't know, if I say this is a problem,

they might turn around and leave. But then that's a problem in itself, isn't it? Yeah. Or it might start an argument and then people maybe don't like having arguments because they're not resolved very well. Yeah. So it's a bit of a... Well, it's a vicious cycle really isn't it but I feel like as we've always said I think communication is key like it's my absolute number one value like and

I have to be with someone that is able to communicate and I think not wanting to like be sexist but I feel like men do struggle with communication and it's finding someone that is able to open up to you and communicate how they feel yeah because otherwise I think a lot of people can brush things under the carpet I was very good at that yes so good at brushing um but you know what's interesting is that i feel like i'm really good at communicating but i feel like i became bad at communicating because i knew that whatever i communicated wasn't heard so now i actually do see that although i thought i was really good at communicating as a person i've seen through triggers in and like from the past in my new relationship that actually I take quite a while

to voice something that maybe I'm I'm not very discreet in showing when something's bothering me but I've never been with someone before that's like aware of it and wants me to talk literally this like literally what you just said is me to a tee so luckily I'm now with someone that would be like you need to me you need to talk to me talk to me and it does take me a while and the reason why it takes me a while is because I was so used to my feelings not being heard or things being turned around on me and that's very much something that I've noticed that I need to work on it's it's my issue and that here I am preaching that communication is my biggest value and you've got to have communication

no one's perfect but yeah just even the fact that you're aware that you want to improve your communication that's that's a big um like opportunity of growth and yeah you know you're with someone who help can help support that it's exactly the same for me i've been in a relationship for years i've not been heard i've not been listened to i i have always vocalized when i'm feeling certain ways i can't hide how i'm feeling i never have been able to i'm so like if i'm upset you'll know i'm upset that is me to a t you can literally look at me and be like something's wrong yeah but again some of that probably comes it does come down to not feeling safe and secure

to be able to vocalize that and knowing actually I can vocalize it and nothing's going to change so I think I hit a point where I just stopped doing it and I I guess in turn, what that's happened or had an impact on now is, I know to me, communication is really, really important. But I sometimes struggle with the idea of it because, I don't know. And I guess a lot of it is that self-sabotage mode of screw this I'm running like nah like bye I can't talk and that's just past trauma um but it's I know for me communication is the thing that I really value and I know it's something because of habits that have been built up over years is something I massively want to work and actually quite proud of how I've been communicating like

recently which is that's how you grow in a relationship or whatever it is and yeah okay so we thought we would go through some emails there's so many that we haven't gone through yet so let's find this okay this is called advice please it's a short one hi ladies please keep me anonymous you've given me so much strength this last few weeks of finding this pod so thank you i'm looking for advice on my mother-in-law once separated she's always bad-mouthed me and my husband never stuck up for me it's still the same now but it's now in front of my children my eldest who's 13 believes every word she says and hardly comes to see me as apparently i'm not as fun as dad i'm stuck as my youngest daughter 10 struggles going with her dad to his parents house as she doesn't like listening to them talk about me help i think

this needs to be an adult conversation i think she needs to speak to her ex-husband and sit down especially the fact that the other daughter doesn't feel comfortable i think the biggest priority is making sure the children feel safe and secure and you know like the fact it's then going to have an impact on their relationship with their dad need to sit down and yeah and just speak i feel like it's a tricky one because obviously in general you you can't pick your in-laws like you know even when you're married you may not get on with them but then once there's that separation and divorce and you're no longer sort of like tied to them it's a shame because you would like to think that they would be mature enough and nice enough to not say bad things

in front of your children yeah like look do what you want about hiring a man yeah but in fact your children yeah i think yeah i think that's all mean, I guess it also shows what your partner grew up with is parents obviously don't have respect, don't have morals. So yeah, I would say I personally wouldn't go to the ex. I would go straight to the source. And yeah, because you don't know whether he's whether he's even going to bother i mean obviously we don't know in depth the relationship but i'm just trying to put myself in the situation if i ever heard that my yes we're being rude about me in front of my children i would maybe

give them a call and say i would like to meet with you and have a chat. I don't mind if you've got a problem with me. You are entitled to your own opinion, but I'm sure that you care for the kids as much as I do. This is making my daughter uncomfortable. You are making an issue for my son. Can we please have some level of respect here and keep it to yourself? And unfortunately, you can't make

someone do something I think it takes a lot of um it's taken me a long time to realize that you can't change someone you can't control what they do but at least you can put that into place and then if they're going to be still disrespectful it's hard because like I mean I can't even imagine our kids being like 10 and 13 but yeah that that would be my approach so I hope that that helps let's find another one hi ladies I'm hoping it's not too much trouble to send this in I don't know if I quite have the courage to talk in depth or even to send this email but here I am typing it anyway and hopes that touching on the subject and possibly getting your thoughts or conversations on it will help. Christmas 2021. I feel like my life changed completely. It feels really silly but the reality

for me is exactly that. I got married the June just before but after being shouted at by my husband it shook me. It followed on shortly after being accused of doing something with a friend and then just the new year after he sexually assaulted me in truth it's not the first time he'd done something like that but i somehow imagined to i somehow managed to brush it aside and continue now fast forward nearly two years and nearly 70 hours of counseling i still find myself questioning what decision to make about our relationship and if i'm right to even think it my husband seeks therapy himself to deal with it and sadly so does my son. My question for you both is, what would you do?

What would your advice be? I fully expect you both to tell me that I'm silly for still being here. I don't know what keeps me holding on as if something is going to change. Kind regards. First of all, you're not silly. Not at all.

Like, look, I haven't't I can't say that I've been through something like that but at the end of the day however much someone does something to you that is damaging emotionally physically whatever it is it is scary to also leave it's scary to be on your own it's scary to start again so first of all I don't want you to feel like you know don't punish yourself for not doing what you believe is right however like you've said you know what we're gonna say and it's it's finding that courage actually easier said than done isn't it yeah i think you know also i think there's someone that can be physical with you not obviously knowing a bit more in depth sometimes it can actually be dangerous so yeah i mean the fact that your son's having to seek some kind of counselling, in my eyes, I don't know if I'm misreading it, but that insinuates they maybe were aware of something happening as well. that even if the child's okay watching their mother go through something like that even if

it's just emotional abuse let alone physical I think that that is really incredibly difficult and I completely agree like it's so much easier to sit here and say I would leave I I would leave that is my personal advice is I just think so many lines are being crossed I think there's an enormous amount of disrespect and you know when I'm when I say dangerous I feel like if someone can be physical you don't know how they're going to react if you believe so I would personally seek some sort of advice I don't know who you can like because obviously I never experienced it but there must be some sort of like help that you can get to keep you safe from someone that is maybe physical I understand the hard part as well is obviously I mean you said your husband's seeking therapy and obviously I don't know he

must have some kind of awareness that there's a problem and it's great that he is you know trying to get help because i think that probably was hard for her yeah it's because she's wondering whether i also think as well then that in turn makes you feel guilty like you should stay because he's working working on it and i don't think that the two necessarily go hand in hand i don't think just because he's working on it that you should have to stay. I think, I reckon it's more hard to leave because you think he may change because he's seeking help. But at the end of the day,

nothing can change what's been done. And that's not okay. I agree. Hi, just wanted to say how much I can relate to your videos and how much they help me. I really look forward to them each week. This is a bit of a long one, but I really feel like I need some advice. I've been with my partner for 11 years now,

not engaged, but two beautiful children and a lovely home. He's never really been a fan of marriage, but for me being engaged is just as good for me with that bit more commitment. When I'm seeing people all around me getting engaged or married, it hurts a little, but I'm not in the place to do it either right now but I do want this in the future so it is something I do want. The last two years haven't been happy really with lots of upset stress money and lots of other bits into the mix and some lies about substances too with him which I'm always on the lookout after his lies. This time last year I got to a breaking point where I was masking postnatal depression and really unhappy where I was in my relationship, my anxiety and seeked help from the doctor. I started sound bath sessions and really focused

on trying to make myself better by going to the gym and putting myself first in some ways. I admit I haven't been the best girlfriend in being supportive as I was battling my own problems and so he wasn't being the best either. Fast forward a year and I'm in a much better place but there is still a rift between us both and bickering. I told him months ago that I was unhappy, but he didn't want me to go on the family holiday with our friends without him, so I decided to try and both work at it. He got worse going out,

but blinded, I thought I'll keep going and the holiday would do us good. In fact, it was bad. All holiday, I took the children home alone and he stayed out with friends. I have a toddler and I wasn't able to chill. And this hurt as I felt like he was partying and I was just being mum and people have seen this whilst away and was a bit of a topic. In my mind, I gave it to the holiday trying to get the strength to leave once it was over, if nothing changed. When I came home, I went with the children away for a week to see family. And when we came home, he had really missed us. He had no idea this was my plan. And I came home to presents, flowers, and he vowed he would change and the going out on the weekend would stop again.

So I've stayed. But with the doubt in my mind, it won't change as we've been here so many times before the Tuesday after he said he he would stop going out on the weekend he's gone to the pub and didn't tell me till he came home at 6 p.m the usual time he would be getting home from work this has been going on months not telling me when leaving work and he's been going to the pub he's failed to tell me going forwards when he does leave work but, but his reason was I always moaned so he didn't tell me. But how will I know for certain going forwards is being truthful without sending myself insane?

I feel this is deceit too. He thinks I'm being overdramatic. He tells me I won't get better than him and I have it good and to stop moaning. But for me, I'm not happy with the way he behaves and I'm not sure it will ever change. I fancy him and do love him, but I'm not sure if we are the same people anymore and have grown apart since meeting 11 years ago. He has a new job which means he goes out drinking midweek and

tells me it's part of the job. I feel I'm just being a mum sat at home no idea if he'll be home at 6pm or not and the same on a Friday. Financially I would struggle alone so I would have to get a second job. We have two children and the thought of him being with someone else kills me or if he ever changed for someone else but couldn't for me to even think about step parents in my children's life. I just don't know what to do anymore or how much time to give it. Friends and family all know how he's behaved and I feel it is a bit tainted now. I have no idea what life without him would be like and don't know if I'll make the right choice by leaving. I keep listening to your videos over and over and trying to find the decision of what to do. He's promised he will change and he wants me to change some things too. I don't know if I'm just brushing things under the

carpet because I'm not ruddy or they are just silly things I would shut up about and be happy with what I have. And living used to someone I have no idea if I'm being dramatic and upset about the fact he's going out all the time and I'm just sat at home. I feel a lot has happened. No respect, different views, he thinks he should be able to go out with work, we haven't had date nights in so long. I feel like I'm just cohabiting with someone who's living his best life without me and having us at home.

I don't think he's cheated or would, bearing in mind how unhappy we've both been. We still have regular good sex, so that's not the problem. It's the fact our morals and views and we've grown apart in things. That's the issue. I'm trying to put on the bravest face of my children, but I don't know what to do anymore. Do I go with my head and plan to leave? Do I see how things go after the chat we have on Tuesday and hope he will take it on board? after the chat we have on Tuesday and hope he will take it on board. He wants to swipe the slate he wants to wipe the slate clean and move forwards now. I'm not sure how many chances I take to see if one day we will be truly happy again. It's so hard some days I feel stronger than others. If you got this far thanks for it too. Look my opinion is it's clear that you've vocalized what's important to you and how you're

feeling and the fact that nothing's changing and you're not feeling i don't know safe and secure that's not okay in a relationship i think as well i understand what you're saying about like it sounds like a lot of the time you feel like you're at home like just doing all the mum stuff and he is living his best life like he literally gets the best of both worlds he can go out and do what he wants but then comes back and has a family and i don't think that's okay no i don't think that's okay and i can really appreciate what she's saying whether she i think at one point she says something like she doesn't know she's just being like a bit dramatic like when there hasn't been like a big thing yeah like he she caught him cheating or he's done this or he's done that it does make it that much harder because sometimes especially when maybe he is slightly gaslighting her saying like you know like stop being dramatic

it makes you wonder whether like am I actually just overreacting do I need to take a step back and chill the facts like he said to her like yeah I don't like that no it doesn't sound like he's got much respect no I feel like this is a hard situation to leave you need to be very strong in order to make that move because it is scary it is a change and it can be hard i think i would open the lines for communication again and almost be like right i'm laying on the table yeah i need to be heard in order for this to move forward this is how i am feeling this needs to change the thing is i would voice my concern over the fact i've spoken to you about this before nothing has changed and actually if these things don't change for me these are really

important to feel safe and secure in a relationship i am going to have to leave i would like to work together with you to make this work because i do love it sounds like she does love him and it sounds like she would like it to work but i don't think he's giving her anything to make her feel like he's going to make those changes. Yeah, thinks he can do what he wants. I don't know if she's actually ever made him aware of what's going on in her head in regards to that she'll leave. So the thing is, there's two parts to this. One is, well, actually, they shouldn't change

once they think that they may lose you. They should just be good in the first place. But if you're willing to try and make it work, at least communicate with him that, like, this is the situation. This is the ultimatum. Change or I'm gone. But then it's that flip side of, like, you shouldn't really have to do that. Yeah, but at the end of the day, you need to be with someone who respects how you feel and wants to work together with you as a team. At the end of the day that you need to make him aware of if things don't change

you're going yeah gonna do some stay or leaves here we go I parent better when we're separate he really affects my mood negatively and I don't know why that's a hard one.

It's something I actually resonate with as well. Really? The thing is, she hasn't mentioned anything about their relationship and if she loves him, so it's so difficult to say.

Yeah. But that definitely does need to be addressed. Why is he affecting your mood? If someone affects your mood negatively, that can't be good for you in your relationship yeah i think we need to know more yeah but i definitely communicate that yeah i would yeah that's a bit of a tricky one i feel like as well when you're with someone they should be adding like positivity to your life like someone should walk in a room and it should make you feel good

and excited and happy sorry this one in his best man's speech he said that my husband's mother still needs to cut the umbilical cord i mean there's a lot of reason to leave but like it's hard having a hard having a clingy mother-in-law. Yeah, not a reason to leave. No. Caught my partner with a secret Snapchat account and sending and receiving sexual pics. I'd leave. It's cheating. Yeah, that's not okay. Yeah, I would leave.

I also think just men in general with Snapchat, that's like a major red flag because anything could be going on there. I swear Snapchat's for like teenagers yeah i don't know how it works when you're willing to forgive and work on the issue but the other shows no interest leave it takes two yeah it takes two to make it work i love him as a person but no longer in love with him he's a really good dad it's a hard one it's very hard when there is no reason for a split especially when you have a family other than falling out of love and i would say it's really

important to communicate that before anything happens i think sometimes the dangerous thing about falling out of love with someone is then people i don't know sometimes put themselves in a situation where they end up cheating or they're in like they're unfaithful because they no longer love someone so I think it's really important that as brutal as it sounds they know that I think honesty is really key in a relationship and yeah it's awful and it's heartbreaking but you can't just stay with someone because you love them as a person do you know what else I would say is although you're probably like really worried that you're going to hurt him because you no longer love him he actually deserves to be loved yeah so you're actually in theory it might not feel like it at the beginning but you would be doing him a favor

because he should be with someone that loves him just as much as you should be with someone that so i would say yeah communicate it but like if you're not in love with your partner then it's not anything wrong yeah husband's mental health is bad but refuses to acknowledge or accept help together for 23 years unfortunately mental health i think is quite a tricky one but if they're not aware of their issue and they're not you can't force someone you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped yeah you can take a horse to water but you can't force them to drink isn't that something yeah so unfortunately if that person is not willing to help themselves and then in turn if

that's affecting your relationship like it's hard when it is mental health because you do feel that guilt, don't you? You feel more. Well, it's not like it's not like a lifestyle choice. It's like it's like an illness. But if that person's not aware of it and they're not willing to seek help, there's nothing you can do. That will build up resentment in itself. So I would say leave, personally. Yeah. Yeah. As long as you feel like you've done everything you can to try and help them. Yeah. Like, I feel like I'm a bit of a fixer with stuff like that.

But there is only so much you can do for someone. At the end of the day, you cannot change anyone. You can only change yourself. I agree. So if they are not willing to get the help they need and make those changes you may as well bang your head against the wall in the nicest possible way.

So yeah, there's our saying leaves. Yes, what's our affirmation of the week going to be? What are we feeling? I'm trying to think of something that fits in with what we've been speaking about. Got one? Yeah. I'm ready.

I trust that some of my happiest days are coming. Oh, I like that. Yeah. I trust that some of my happiest days are coming. Say it. Guys, affirm it. Say it, believe it, own it. True.

I love that. Thank you guys for listening. Hope you've enjoyed. enjoyed yeah don't forget please please please share us guys it's how we get thank you spread spread us to everyone guys far and wide yeah share follow yeah thank you so much for listening and we will see you next week bye