Not As We Planned - 13. Friends… some you gain and some you lose

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

This week we talk all things friendship; how it changes with motherhood, going through different situations and how they can serve different purposes as we navigate life. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood. Not as we planned.

So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode. So I feel like today's episode is a bit different. We wanted to touch on this because I feel like it's just as important. We speak all about romantic relationships, but those friendship relationships are just as important. I think the last few months has really taught me that.

Yeah, absolutely. I think when you go through not just bad things, but maybe good as well, it highlights who's there for you, who's not. And yeah, I think it's a nice topic to talk about. And maybe with that in mind, we've always had people kind of ask us how we met. Were we friends before the podcast? We thought we'd maybe go back a bit and give a little intro I realize not a lot of you probably know no so we actually I guess in

theory were what people call it's a friend insta friends so obviously both kind of being influencers and doing a lot of things online on our Instagram. That's how we sort of started following each other. Had we ever met? I'm sure we've met once, like an event ages ago, but it was just like, hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't like... Like a catch up.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we actually did a reel together before I knew anything about your situation. Well, I didn't have my situation yet, but yeah, she'll know. Oh. Okay, fine.

I know, of course you didn't. true no okay fine I know of course you didn't okay so obviously I put out last summer that I was separating getting a divorce whatever shared my journey and then you reached out to me before you had announced anything um I remember being like so shocked I My heart was actually like broken for you. Yeah, I think when I reached out, I don't know anyone else in my life who's gone through it. Yes. Or has gone through anything like that.

And it can feel like really, really lonely. And like it's only happening to you. And I guess that's the really positive aspect of social media where I knew you'd gone through something like that really recently I felt like I could reach out to you like we've always posted quite similar kind of styles I guess on Instagram like yeah quite an honest um outlook into motherhood I guess and like with a bit of humor and stuff and and I just felt like I needed to reach out to someone who got it and do you know what I feel

like for me that almost shows that it confirms why I liked sharing more I did because it's to make people not feel alone. And there is something quite different about talking to someone that's been through something. Like your friends are always going to be there for you, but understanding it. So you reached out and then I think it wasn't, it probably wasn't long after you then announced that I mentioned the podcast. voice noted me did I so you

voice noted me like I got this crazy idea you could tell me to fuck off if you want or you tell me if I'm being really insensitive and you're like so and then you're like propositioned me and I was like I'm in I'm in and do you know what's funny is like, not long after I announced my separation, I always knew that I wanted to do a podcast and I very much had this idea that there's no one that I'm going to be able to do it with because I don't want it to feel forced. I don't want to just find any kind of Harry

to like join in with me. And I felt like I'm just going to have to do it on my own, wing it and then occasionally I'll get some guests. But something obviously stopped me from going ahead and launching it because I just didn't feel, I just didn't feel ready. And then, I know, and then insensitive or not, don't get me wrong, I don't think I saw this like light bulb in my head that the minute I you know the minute you announced that you were like separating I wasn't like

yes because I don't think I even thought of it I think it was once you shared it and I was a bit like okay she's literally maybe like six months behind me we're really similar like we don't even know each other very well but I like you said I felt like our content's very similar we're quite honest we're quite raw occasionally quite funny well yeah and then I just thought you know what I mean I can approach her when she's either she's either gonna be up for it or she's not and then I remember just being like so I had this thought hear me out and you were like I'm down even like take time to think did I know you were like yeah I'm in um and then the rest was history and I feel like I came over it was like we'd known each other years yeah Yeah. So easy. And like, I think you find that like as you grow up,

like sometimes you just meet people who are just your kind of people and you just get. Yeah. So that is how this came to be. Motherhood not as we planned was. Yeah. And then I guess, I guess the reason we wanted to do this and cover these topics that I feel like people struggle to talk about because sometimes they feel a bit of shame in things not working out the way we planned. and something I found going through what I found there's a bit of a taboo about it and a bit of judgment and I don't know the thing that really struck me going through it myself was that

the lonely like not that I didn't have people around me but you do feel like why me like you do feel like you're the only person in the world going through it and I guess the way that I'd felt being able to approach Tash is the way we want to make other people feel like they've got that friend the other side listening and validating their feelings I think that's become really apparent with a lot of the message we get yeah it's like I really needed to hear this and do you know what else I think like people have always said to us that when they're listening to the podcast they feel like they're sitting with us and it's just like a group of friends like having a chat sometimes you laugh sometimes you cry and

that's exactly what we wanted to kind of like create that safe space yeah create that safe space for people to feel like we're not here to judge like whether you stay and you know you shouldn't or you know sometimes relationships don't work and kids have a two-home family and I just think it almost like you being able to approach me when we weren't even really friends shows what social media the positives of social media and we wanted to bring that and reflect that in the podcast and also I think like as well us sharing other people's stories as well sometimes has given people the strength to make their own decisions and to walk away from unhappy marriages or to feel I think I've

we've had quite a lot of messages saying you've given me the strength i've known i've needed to do this for ages and listening to you and where you are now and how far you've come you've given me the strength to know i'm going to be okay yeah and i guess it is that hope and it's so nice because when you're in the thick of it it's so hard to see how anything positive can come of it you just are so stuck in a dark place and yeah it's just been a really positive thing for us and you know what on the flip side the amount of people that we've had that have reached out to us in happy marriages saying yeah you have made me appreciate what i've got a home i'm gonna make more effort i'm gonna do more date nights so actually it's really nice to know that somehow people that aren't in our situation have still been able to resonate hate

something have still found it really like enjoyable to listen to so it's not just a podcast to help for everyone leave the marriages guys just helping single parents it's just general life like which i think is so nice so like what we were mentioning you know you go through different stages in your life and i feel like some friends show up and sadly others don't and I think that there is there should be no different to everything that we've been saying about relationships romantically I think should also be the case in friendships and I think that I wasn't so aware of that until I've done all that the journaling and reflecting on my romantic relationship it's very much like if you have a friendship where you don't feel heard or you're not respected or

they don't make you feel good there's no need to keep that friendship going and I never really thought of it do you know what I mean I feel like you sort of if you've got a history with a friend and and you maybe you sort of feel like do you know what that's just them that's what they do but no no and I think that's okay as well like I agree I feel like what you're saying is sometimes you feel like the friendships you feel like you're meant to continue them forever but it is okay for certain friendships to exist for certain phases of your life and to have had that purpose you know it might have been I don't know someone going when you were younger and as you've grown up actually you've got different values and you enjoy spending your

time doing different things or I don't know like you might not necessarily agree with things they do and that's okay and I think we kind of do treat them a little differently to romantic relationships because I think sometimes you think if you've got a friend at this point they have to exist with you the whole time and don't get me wrong you will have friendships that do and And I am so grateful for my friendships that I have had for a really long period of time. My strongest friendships are from when I was 11, one of them from when I was three. And they're my strongest relationships I have. But then I have also had friends come into my life and also out my life. You know, that is very apparent over the last few months ones who

have really been there and there are some who drop off and whilst it's sad like it's like with a romantic relationship I would never beg or you know like like I would never want someone to be in my life who doesn't feel like they want to be in my life. Like someone who doesn't care enough about me. I want people who value me and care about me and show up when I need you to show up. And if you're not going to show up when I'm going through the hardest period of my life, then that's on you. And actually, I deserve someone who does.

Yeah, I agree. I feel like going through this experience, it has made it very apparent to me who I can count on and who I can't. And I think it is important to remind yourself that like, you don't need to speak to on a daily basis. You can go a few months without speaking. And then the minute you see them, it's like you saw them yesterday. And then you've got other friends that you're going to speak to loads. I feel like you have different friends,

maybe for different purposes. You may have that one friend where you're like, I need a night out. I'm calling X, Y, Z because they're a laugh. We're going to get drunk and we're going to have fun. And then you've got that other friend that like, you're in the shit and you're upset and you're going to call them and you know that they're going to pick up the phone regardless so I just feel like we were actually going to talk about it in regards to romantic relationships but I think it seems

relevant for me to talk about it now but you know how we discuss like the let them theory and if you're not aware of the let them theory it's very much like if someone isn't going to make the effort for you let them if someone's not going to include you in a in a arrangement with a whole of you know load of other people let them you do not need to accept the bare minimum with a friendship just as much as you shouldn't accept the bare minimum of a romantic relationship you know I feel like also you maybe make friends through different situations so when you become a mum you're going to make friends with other mums and I also think there's nothing you know how you said sometimes maybe you go through different

stages so maybe some friends that aren't mums you may not have as much in common with it's also okay to sometimes maybe you drift from people and then you find find each other again and come back that is life in general and motherhood does change friendships I remember when I became a mum and I did feel like a pan of disappointment with some of my friends and how they weren't as obsessed with wanting to meet my baby like I thought they would be like you're very much like in that bubble yeah I mean I remember feeling like really disappointed people weren't like checking in or asking to come and see the baby and stuff and they were mums and then going through all that made me be like ah like I was like that

before I became a mum because I didn't get it. Yeah. And so I think actually friendships do change and you can't really appreciate situations necessarily until you're in them. So once I became a mum, I was like, I get it now and I should have shown up more. But you're not to know. You're not to know. but you're not to know you're not to know so but also i feel like on the flip side it's like once you become a mom and then you're in that sort of like motherhood journey and there's someone else becomes a mom you may not have as much time to go and be with that friend because you're now

a mom like everyone's still got their stuff you know sometimes when we we were saying before how like you know people who show up when we were going through the divorce and this that and the other sometimes I think you also need reminding that like because it's the biggest most horrendous thing that's gone on in your world other people still have shit going on some stuff they may not want to share so I feel like it's also being very aware that your problems are your problems and although you expect or hope that other people are there for you which they should be yeah sometimes you need to also respect that it's not their world is it do you know yeah i guess there's a fine line between and things like that can pull or push people away. Like for me, my close friendship group,

a bit like, like I say, there's like six of us and we're all in such different phases of our life. Like some of us have kids, one single, one's in a relationship, one really sadly, her husband passed away three years ago. We've all gone through such different highs and lows. Yeah. we've all gone through such different highs and lows yeah and over the years I guess I don't know like the last year or two we hadn't been as close not been as close but we hadn't seen

each other as much or I guess made as much effort but I actually feel like my marriage breakdown brought us all closer together in the room like when i needed them they dropped their pants and like bear in mind some of them are mums and stuff and everyone's got their own stuff going on people dropped it with like minimal notice and they were there and i will never ever forget that and i think people do have their own stuff but i do think people who really care and are like your ride or dies will be their enemy yeah no I would be the same I do agree I do also think that I think we're quite similar correct me if I'm wrong but and I'm not like blowing smoke up my own arse but I feel like

one of my best traits is my loyalty I'm quite a sensitive person I'm very loyal to my friends and I do feel like I go above and beyond and the problem with that is I then wrongly I think expect that from people so my expectations have always been very high when it comes to friendships and I'm still learning not to expect too much from people because just because it's something I would do yeah doesn't mean that other people are going to do that and I think that it's more realistic to lower that expectation because I don't do those things hoping to get it back but it's very hard to kind of like get it out your head to not expect something if you're like oh

but I don't get why they wouldn't do that because that's what I would do but I think that my friends have been amazing especially going through something like this but I guess it gets to a point and again maybe I can speak for both of us because I now have a boyfriend and I am very happy in that aspect of my life I think that it gets forgotten that I'm still learning and accepting becoming a single parent and how hard that is and going through a divorce and that's still a massive struggle regardless of who I'm romantically with and I do appreciate that people especially in a happy marriage are not going to sit there and still think well maybe I should just check in because like she's on her own or I think people get over it like because I seem okay people don't check in

anymore I still have the weekends on my own with the kids i don't like i agree with it so much yeah it's a hard one because like you said it's no different with motherhood the people that didn't have kids didn't really understand it so really the people that are still in marriages are not going to understand that aspect of being on your own it's like little things isn't it it's like i was sitting here the other day thinking i need to pop to tesco the kids are asleep i haven't got anyone to just be like can you just sit in the house with the kids like it'd be not i don't know just i agree like i feel like people can see i'm doing well i don't really remember the last time anyone was like but how are you yeah or can i help you with anything i know

you're juggling everything on your own do you need is there anything you need to get done where i can look after the kids for an hour or two like it's stupid things like taking a bloody hermes parcel back yeah it's little things like that. You like, again, I wouldn't have thought about when I was married. I think, oh, I actually don't have any other friends who are

doing it on their own either. Neither do I. I feel like, well, I am pretty much the only person I know doing it on my own. But that's what I mean. So I wouldn't ever sit there

and think that those people aren't being good friends because they don't know that that's something that like you know at the end of the day when you're a single parent you're still going to be like just so you've been out for the day with the kids or even been out with a group of friends with your kids you are still going home on your own you're putting the kids to bed on your own and once they're in bed you're on your own it's still that really lonely single parent where I guess it's no different to having communication with friends to kind of express to them, like, still actually feeling, like, a bit, like, down at times. I struggle a lot on a Sunday night.

I don't know why. I just do. It's like that, like, you know, school. Yeah. Like, Sunday night. Yeah. I still get... I get that more now, so, being a single parent. And I guess, like, I would never expect

even the best of friends to get it unless I express it to them so I don't really get what my point was really but no I get it it's just I don't know like it is hard just anyone listen to this who has you know who might be in a happy relationship but has friends with a single mom like even just because they're through like the worst of it and the tears have stopped and all of that there like they are still struggling I I get so many moms who are like single parents who are still struggling and again I've messaged similar things about I don't feel like that that, and you know what, sometimes I'm my own worst enemy with stuff like that is, I feel like as well, because I post quite a lot, my social media people look at me thinking, she's doing really well, like she's smashing it. She's really happy.

She's really positive. I'm probably giving off this message like I'm nailing it like yeah screw like relying on anyone else I'm doing it on my own so I understand that and also I don't know if you ever feel like this but I also feel like sometimes because I do post a lot on social media that people know how I am exactly that so don't ask and they're like oh but I can see you you're okay or I can see that quite it's quite like the same like sometimes I'll share like a hard moment like when I was really upset about dealing with the kids going to year one like I then had friends messaging me being like I saw you were upset I'm so sorry I hope you're okay but it's like really I should voice that to my

friends rather than just like yeah my stories but I I think that, you know, it's still those little things that how I messaged you when it was Milo's party and I was like, I hope today goes well. Like I know it's going to be bittersweet, but I know that I want to say that to you because I know how it feels,

but I wouldn't necessarily expect like a friend who's married or like around Christmas. I know that Christmas is going to be bittersweet and I know we haven't really touched on that yet and I'm sure that we will. But it's little things like that, that like they're still hard moments. So you know, like we've mentioned, making new friends also through situations. I've made some really lovely friendships by becoming a single mum because I am the first of my friends to be getting a divorce and I think it is that worry of like who am I going to socialize with like not not saying my friends aren't socialized with me because I don't have a husband but you know if they're doing like

couple-y things but through what I'm going through I've made genuine connections with people and there is something so refreshing about understanding each other just like making new mum friend now making I didn't realize I literally don't have any other single mum friends other than you isn't that weird I guess it's not at the end of the day like like you said you have some friends that are single and then you've got your friend that sadly lost her husband yeah I've got her so like I don't know like I haven't made loads but I don't know I just feel like so those that maybe are in a situation where they're concerned that they're about to separate from their partner and they don't know who's going to be there for them you know I I never realized that I'd make these friends through

a bad situation which is really nice yeah I think as well like things like this I don't know I've always been a very social person I've always had lots of friends this really made me realize like it is the quality of those friends over quantity yeah over quantity and over how many of those people they're like I would much rather sit here knowing I've got five friends or even three actually who I can trust who genuinely genuinely care about me and are there for me and you know I could call on no matter what then have people who are just there as like a face value and are there mostly for the good times and yeah go out yeah not much depth like I just think as you get older and as you experience different things you value so much like quality friendships and the importance they offer in your life yeah do you know it's interesting I felt like before COVID

I was we were a very sociable couple like every Saturday night we'd be seeing a different couple and maybe this wasn't when the kids were a bit younger but I feel like what actually helped me I'm not saying that I held on to my marriage longer because I was worried about friendships but through Covid and being more used to being at home we then made less plans once lockdown was listed like our weekends weren't really about like going out for dinners with other couples and what I found was my our social aspect of friends was more days with the kids with other families and they're still all my friends so one thing that I did find easier and would have found harder pre-lockdown would have been kind of losing that whole social

aspect of like going out with loads of couples I don't really feel like i do that anymore so i didn't i haven't lost friends many friends anyway through separating yeah see socially me and my ex were really different really i'm a very social person i love being i'm a people person yes i and um i like i that's like my dream is to like be able to go on like double dates. Double dates. And that's something I want going forward. Yeah. Because I do miss that social aspect.

And I think as you get older, things like, don't get me wrong, like I love going for a night out here or there. But it's not like my favorite thing to do anymore I'd much rather go out for a nice dinner and have a few drinks but some good food with some friends and it's nice to have someone to do that with do that with yeah and to mix into your friendship group I think that's a really lovely thing to be able to do that was never don't get me wrong happened here or there but bear in mind we were together 10 years like honestly i think in that time we must have gone on about three double dating things yeah and that's again that's a value that was always really important to me like i'm a very very social

person that's interesting so it's something that obviously you want to double date um talking of friends then in that respect and kind of like double dating what are your thoughts on your friend's opinions just on like a new partner i feel like my friends and i are always really honest with each other yeah and i feel like well my friends and i always really honest with each other yeah and i feel like your friends know what's what's good for you like don't get me wrong there's been friends who have made some bad choices and they know like we're not the biggest fans but would they also know we'll support them yeah if and when they need us we're there the biggest fans, but they also know we'll support them.

Yeah. If and when they need us, we're there and there's no judgment. And I think that's what good friends do, you know. Sometimes people are so blindsided by things. I value my friends' opinions, but then at the same time, I also feel like I can judge things myself. Yeah. Would I necessarily listen?

Probably not. If I like someone, i like someone i like someone you know if you're with someone for however long i don't know like i've definitely had friends opinions not thrown at me that's the wrong word but yeah like wow like you're very opposite people like i'm i was always very loud and outgoing and he was very much the opposite. And, you know, does that work? And this, that, like, we'll speak about things, but they would never be like,

I don't think you should be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what about you? I feel like definitely going into like that dating scene and whatever. If I introduce someone to my closest friend and especially my sister who is doesn't hold back at all and she literally says it as it is I would be I'm not sitting here saying that like I'll take their opinion as like you know if they say

that he's not good for me I'll get rid of him but it would be a red flag for me because I feel like especially with what I've been through they're so aware and so they know me so well they know what I really need and want and deserve that it would be a problem for me if they were like I don't really see it working because xyz obviously if they turn around and were like it's not very good looking they would never say something like that but I can go for someone but like for example the guy that I was seeing like last year for a bit I knew there wasn't really much longevity in the relationship so I didn't care about anyone's opinion because I was just going with what I felt was right at the time but I had no doubt when introducing my current boyfriend to

my closest friends and my sister because I knew there was absolutely nothing that they could say that was negative because I know there is not like I'm so sure of it that if they did say something it would have like been like I need my family like one of my values as you said is family and like no it I feel like I might be contradicting myself but I wouldn't listen to my friends opinions but at the same time if they were really valid I would take it into account because they know like they know everything I've been through I know that they want my better like what's best for me my it would be like a concern my it's my best friends met him the person with the hairy arm and then like the first thing they said to me was like that they just they are they thought he was amazing yeah I think it's also when your friends

see how happy you are there's not much negative that I have never seen you yeah it's happy like my sister bearing in mind like I was with my ex for 17 years I grew up with him it was like he was like a brother to my sister and then once she started seeing me with my new boyfriend she found it like a bit weird at first because she was like you're so you're both so affectionate she found she was quite uncomfortable because me and my ex weren't that way so she just assumed that I was an affectionate person but I actually really am in the right relationship now I think she's maybe got a bit more used to it sometimes she's a bit like pity can you get off each other but like so like that

in itself like that makes me happy like she's sort of given an opinion that's making her uncomfortable but I like that I know she's like seeing that i am different and happier and more being like more lovey dovey with someone yeah it's nice so we're i'm gonna go on to some of your emails so firstly hi both love your podcast hot hot i'm writing in as i've just listened to episode three about not being able to leave because you can't afford to. I just wanted to let all your listeners know that there is so much hope. It takes time, but believe me, there are ways. I was in a situation where my relationship of seven years broke down with a five-year-old and three-year-old. The family home was my ex's home as he would never put my name on the mortgage.

So he initially moved to his parents and I started the process of bidding on council houses. Bearing in mind, I left my job after our first child and became a stay-at-home mum. I had no savings, no income, I physically had nothing to my name. One day he was back at our family home whilst I was at a job interview, trying to get back on my feet. I came back and the locks on the door had been changed. He told me I had to take the kids and it was his house. Prick.

Now I was lucky enough I had my parents close by who welcomed us with open arms but this was one week before Christmas. My heart broke for my children but we powered through. Fast forward a few tough weeks I got the job and got offered a council house three months later and let me tell you I have never looked back. i don't have a lot of money and my life is significantly different to what it was with my ex-partner's income but i have a very cozy home and two of the most happy content children please anybody listening just know happiness comes from you oh go yeah and i think that's so that is it like one of the biggest most terrifying things is the financial yeah side of things and you know obviously like for some people it's absolutely terrifying to think if they've not

been working and stuff and how can you make things work but I think that's a really nice that is that is really positive and it shows that know, I think a lot of people do stay because of the financial worry. And amazing for you to like take that leap. Yeah. And make those changes because it is a different lifestyle. But do you know what? Like her kids are happy and she'll be happier for it. So like, thank you for sending that.

That will hopefully help others realize that it is definitely doable. I just want to say how much your podcast has helped me. I'm so glad I came across it. I found out at Easter that my husband of 21 years was having an affair. We were teenage sweethearts, so we'd been together 30 plus years. I have two children aged 17 and 12. We were all together when we found out by accident that he wasn't working away as he told us and he was having an affair. He won't tell me when the affair started and any questions I ask, he says, believe what you

want. He told me and the children the affair was over and I asked for her number and she told me she was heartbroken for me and my kids. She didn't know he was married and had blocked him and didn't want anything more to do with him. Okay. He moved in with his relatives and said our marriage was over. He was ending it as he felt he could do it again. I said I could do it again.

I found out through Contrata that they are still in a relationship and he spends every weekend with her and her daughter. He has seen our children once since Easter Sunday. He just texts them now and again. I'm heartbroken and devastated. I thought we would be together forever. Our mortgage was paid off in a few years and I was looking forward to the next stage of our lives, travelling and watching our children create their own lives. I'm 45 and having to start all over again with a mortgage on my own

and our children to look after. Whilst he's just moved on with his new family he tells me we're done, move on. But it's so hard, I've been with him my whole life and still loved him and had no idea about his secret life. I also discovered a few weeks after I found out about the affair that he had fake profiles pretending to be another man on Twitter and Snapchat. It's just all been such a shock. But for all of this, I thought I had the best husband in the world and an amazing father to my children. I don't know how I'll ever get over it. Four months on and the pain is all still so raw.

Thanks again for your amazing podcast. I think that's such a hard situation to be in, like just say 30 years plus. I feel like that's such a huge part of your life and for you to find out that within that there's like deceit and you're like, that makes me feel a bit ill because I just feel like you've invested so much of your life and your mind into that person and that is all you know um I mean one thing I would say I don't obviously know if you've done this or not but the fact that

you're four months down the line and still feeling that like immense amount of pain which is obviously completely valid I would say if you haven't already I would seek some sort of therapy I think that I mean I think therapy is necessary regardless, but really being able to like move on from that and accept it after such a long time being with someone. And also I think that, you know, we are all very guilty of having this plan and this future in our head and dreaming up all these things. And it is that grief of realising

that those plans aren't going to happen. And that's good. Yeah, but I think that's what's really hard to let go of. Yeah. Sometimes it's not about the past, it's about realising that the things that you hoped for to happen, you know, she was saying that they're going to pay off

their mortgage soon and have all these adventures now that the kids have grown up. Like, to think that you've gone through almost a lot of the hard stuff to get to that point and then you're not doing it. Like, but you know what? You're 45. You're still young. I was going to say, like, you've still got your whole life ahead of you. Age is not a limiting factor to happiness.

I think, like, you've still got time if you ever want to meet someone again or you know whether that's fulfilling your own passions and traveling on your own and seeing the world or whatever it is like I don't think age has to limit and make it harder to be happy I know I definitely agree. The way you're feeling, it is that mourning the loss. And that was one of the hardest parts for me, was mourning the loss of all these ideas I had in my head of how my children and my life were going to be, rather than, I don't know, it's trying to bring yourself back down to reality

and accept the situation and accept actually, I don't know, it's trying to bring yourself back down to reality and accept the situation and accept actually, I don't know, it's better that's not happening with the deceit and lies behind your back because you deserve a lot more than that, you know? So, yeah, I'm really sorry. Yeah, thank you for sending that. I hope that the podcast continues to help you, you know, find that strength that it will get better. And it will.

Yeah, it really, really will. Shall we end with some Stay and Leave? Okay, I feel like you're going to have an opinion on this one. Found my husband doing cocaine in our bathroom at home. His mum just died, so he's very depressed depressed but my kids were around leave i have a zero tolerance policy in drugs like i feel really bad that he's obviously like going through grief and mourning and i feel like it would almost be more acceptable if he was like maybe like drinking or like a bit drunk but like drugs in a house with kids.

It's not even about drugs. Obviously it's that, but it's more like, I wouldn't know where to go and like source cocaine from as a one-off. Yeah. So it makes me think. Yeah, I agree. You know what I mean? I agree.

It's not something you just go to. Like I wouldn't, something wouldn't happen. I'd be like, I need cocaine. Like I've never even smoked a cigarette in my life. I wouldn't even know where to buy it. I would say that there's obviously more to it if he's caked. It's not like your go-to reach when you're... If someone's a bit down, they might like... Have a drink.

Have a drink. I agree. Would you leave or stay then? Yeah, I think I'd leave. Sorry. Would you leave or stay then? Yeah, I think I'd leave. Sorry.

My partner won't agree to our toddler having his vaccinations. I think it's really important you're on the same page of like, how we're going to bring up a child. I know, but would that ever come up? Do you know what I mean? No, right, it wouldn't. I would never be like, so be like so like before we have kids like what are your thoughts on vaccinations like it's like i would say that and leave but like it's just tricky it's also hard when you're actually compromising like the health yeah i i can't comment but then even leaving is that gonna but how does that work yeah you still

need to make a decision i i don't know about that one like that's awkward it's difficult yeah yeah i don't know sorry we're not being very helpful i don't know it i don't i genuinely don't know how you'd resolve that if two parents have a conflicting idea yeah i don't okay literally found out last, my husband has gambled all our savings. Leave and make him win it all back first. No, I'm joking. I would leave. I'm sorry.

I would leave. All the savings. It just shows a complete lack of respect for your family. It's just the sea. Yeah. I would leave. Leave. Me up. yeah it's just the sea yeah I would leave leave yep I found nudes and sexual photos of another girl on his work laptop

leave yeah that's cheating that's cheating yeah and you've even got yourself in a situation where someone else is sending sexual photos is that's okay yeah no I would leave um

so thank you so much for listening to us today we are going to end it with an affirmation around friendship yes let's do it okay ready yeah i deserve amazing friendships because i am a good friend repeat i love that i deserve amazing friendships because i am a good friend affirm it guys yeah believe it make it happen love that. I deserve amazing friendships because I'm a good friend. Affirm it, guys. Yeah. Believe it. Make it happen.

Love that. Thank you so much. Spread the word and go and share us. Follow, subscribe on YouTube. View us. And yeah, make sure you leave a positive review on Apple. And yeah, as always, just thank you so much for your support. It does mean the world. And yes, see you next week.

Bye. Bye.