Not As We Planned - 15. Mum Guilt... But has Anyone Heard of Dad Guilt?

Episode Date: October 19, 2023

It’s like the minute you become a mum you feel guilty for everything? You can’t win because even if you don’t feel guilty you feel guilty for not feeling guilty. It’s safe to say mum guilt is real. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

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So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Welcome back. So today's episode is sponsored by Bouchacode. The UK's most trusted discount code side and app so nothing better than getting money off when you were shopping i couldn't agree more especially with shopping for lots of bits with two kids i just find it really stressful

trying to find codes or discounts that actually work i have you covered with the voucher codes app it is amazing they have the best discount and they're partners with over 5,000 restaurants and retailers. Oh, really? Yeah. I also trust it and really work because they hand test

all their codes. That's amazing. I got Blake's school shoes from JD Sport and I got the best discount through the app. Well, that's annoying because I bought myself

some trainers from there yesterday. Yeah, that is annoying. How do I sign up? I literally just download voucher code that on the apple store and then start finding what to say though how's your week been yeah good um this morning had a bit of a bad drop off with theo the guy's been at school just over a week now and not one single tear the whole time so you're kind of like got a bit cocky and thought i'd nailed it and this morning like literally on the drive there getting

out the car he was hysterical like you know when they're properly you're better um i actually had to physically hand him over to his teacher and he was just his hands out and i was i got my car and cried and i mean i got surprised and I guess that kind of stems nicely onto today's topic which is mum guilt and I have experienced it massively this morning he's saying why can't I stay at home with you and it's really hard yeah it's really hard and I think instantly when you become a mum you experience mum guilt I just remember feeling guilty for anything that wasn't revolving around my title yeah and I guess I think that's what we want to speak about today because I think the first thing I want to say and actually um when I was looking over the messages

this was brought up by a lot of people and we need to discuss we talk about mum guilt have you ever heard the term dad guilt i don't think it exists no because i feel like and i'm sorry if this seems really like i don't know yeah sexist or whatever or presumptuous But in general, I would say men feel less guilty for doing things that we feel guilty for. Even things like going to work or I don't know. I think it's because that stereotypical thing is mum with kids, dad at work. So it's almost like they're doing their role. So what are they feeling guilty like um when say you leave the kids to go somewhere and they're like oh is their dad babysitting it's like yeah

so what happens when the kids with their dad and i'm looking after them i'm not babysitting i don't know it's little or it's funny it's i saw something and it like, you can be a stay-at-home mum or a working mum, but then when it's a man... They're not a working dad. Yeah, I can't remember what it was. Yeah, they're not a working dad. They're just... A dad who goes to work. Yeah. It is funny, isn't it? It's not really funny. It's really annoying. I've struggled with mum guilt for years. It's really annoying. I've struggled with mum guilt for years.

I think I've mentioned before, like, really, if I'm being honest, prior to everything with my marriage breaking down, maybe actually a year ago, I actually started to do a little more for me. I went on my first trip away with my girls. Like, I started not going out loads. But previously, I had been that person. I never went out out I didn't want to leave my babies I never really felt that comfortable leaving them with any anyone else I guess a lot of that had to do with like COVID and stuff is that they like Theo got very used to me

like he couldn't stay at people's and it was really hard to then leave him like yeah I do think that's hard for any parents who have had kids within COVID, I think. Well, they've probably formed that kind of separation anxiety. And I even think being that first-time parent, it's always really hard. I remember the first time I left the overnight and I just couldn't enjoy myself. You're just worrying the whole time, aren't you? And do you know what? I think it's interesting because I think I think every mum has experienced mum guilt but I want to speak about those mums that feel guilt for not having mum guilt because I would feel like at times'm at that point most of the time with co-parenting where I don't feel bad anymore

for enjoying myself and being without them and sometimes that makes me feel guilty that I don't feel guilty yeah do you know what I mean yeah so I feel like when we're going through all the mum guilt things and scenarios that people have sent in if anyone is listening to this and they don't have those feelings, I don't want you to feel like you should. I don't think we need to feel guilty for going to work and leaving our child in childcare. Like it's okay to want to go to work. So yeah, let's share some of the stuff that people sent in there is a lot there is a lot I feel like when I did the box I feel like it's a bit of an outlet for people to get things off their chests as well it's quite a bit of yeah the venting okay okay I mean the first one here I feel like we can probably resonate with quite a lot is the guilt of splitting up my family only for my only for my kids I mean I think it's so normal when going through a separation regardless of who's to blame or anything you do have that guilt yeah because you you want to grow your kids to grow up in a one family home. You do. And I know it's very, very cliche of us to say, oh, you know, two happy homes are better than one. But at the end of the day, I think for me, the main thing is wanting to set an example for them.

how would you feel if your child dated that person that you're in a relationship with would you be happy for them if they think that a bad relationship that you're in is okay they won't seek for anything more than that so really you need to remind yourself that yes you may feel guilty for splitting up your family but actually what you're doing is still for them as either yourself i struggled with the guilt of surrounding this at the start and i actually feel way less guilty for it because a i actually feel like i'm a better mom now i'm forced to have time to myself to fill up my own cup i feel like it means i give more of myself and a better version of myself to my kids. But I also feel like they're in a much calmer and better home. And that doesn't make me feel guilty anymore.

Yeah, no, I think it makes me feel guilty the other day. They do still sometimes say things rarely, but I do sometimes still get the, well, I can't, you and Daddy just live together. And it does pull on your heartstrings and it does upset me in that moment. I had this massive amount of guilt. I wish I could have done that for them. But I know that they will grow up knowing

that this situation was better for them. And that's something you need yeah honestly no they're loved by both parents yeah or do you know what even one yeah kids actually only need one solid good parent in order to be okay and that's another thing that i think you need to remind yourself of i feel like people probably have that mum guilt of trying to get their co-parent yeah true to be present be active with them but you cannot control other people you can only control what you do so if anyone struggles with that guilt of oh their dad's not really around much like that's not on you yeah i agree actually um what else is here

sorry if you're watching this on youtube you see the state of my bitch and legs getting child care even though i'm a stay-at-home mom i mean do you know what that's a full-time job though yeah i was clean like getting on top of everything but also taking time to fill up your own cup and rest and relax it yeah you do and one thing i have learned and i've learned this purely through my separation is you do need that time to yourself you you will burn out you will burn out and get overstimulated and i genuinely believe by what you were doing means your kids are going to get a better version of you. Also another thing to sort of like back that

and to not feel so guilty is when kids are in childcare they tend to do a lot more that kind of like makes them thrive and socialise like you don't just have to send your child to nursery or a childminder

because you work. Like, there's a social aspect of it, which is really good for them. That's like saying, like, Rome goes to nursery. I work from home. In theory, he could be with me. But actually, he is probably doing so much more in those hours at nursery than he would be with me trying to work around him so no I get advised with other opportunities you can't necessarily give like I don't have the time to be setting up all different activities or painting and doing things that you wouldn't

want to do in your home or maybe you don't have you know different toys that you know so no I know yeah I and and I do really resonate with that because yeah um obviously yeah my job as well revolves me being at home and actually for the last however long I have had Milo around me the entire time and actually next week's a really big week for us because he's got he's settling in session at nursery he's going to do two days a week at nursery and then he's been at a childminder on a Monday and this has been a really big thing i've been battling with the mum guilt but it's so i can get more work done especially now i'm on my own i need to work more because i need to essentially earn more money to you know have a have the lifestyle one would be just to make

ends meet and yeah actually sending my child to child in order to do that is essential right now. Yeah. And I'm not going to be made for it. In the long run, it is for your kids. It's all for them. Yeah. Every penny I earn is to give them the life that I want them to have.

Yeah. I mean, I sent Blake and Ivy to a childminder when they were around 10 months. That was purely to go back to work I didn't do Instagram or you know social media as a job so they went and then with Rome because I work for myself now and because I'm at home I found it really hard to let go so I didn't send him to nursery until nearly two and a half you know he's he's two and a half now and he's only been at nursery for a few months so I had guilt that I was holding him back from socializing

because I didn't want to let him go it's like you can't win can't win can you that's it and as well like so Theo started nursery when I think he was just before two and a half so then in my head I was like well I can't send Milo to Nashville for his two and a half because I want to give him the same time and I think we put all this pressure on ourselves like it has to be this because I did this with the first job but actually my circumstances are incredibly different now and so what even if they weren't and even if I just felt like I wanted yeah that space for myself that that's okay and I think it's like what you said literally no matter what you choose to do you just you can't win yeah even though I have to

I constantly remind myself like every single thing I do every penny I earn is to give my kids the life I want my kids to have or even just to pay the bills or this or that and it's just it's like a constant battle isn't it i mean it says here and i really resonate with this giving the same effort and time to both children without getting exhausted and overwhelmed i mean i feel like it is probably impossible when you have more than one child to give the same amount of energy and effort because children are different their needs are different exactly and you know you're outnumbered now without a partner at home i'm outnumbered i have three children and they've all got different needs you know rome being younger and less self-sufficient is going to mean that he requires more from me in certain ways

and then someone like Blake who I feel is a lot more emotional is going to require more affection than Ivy because he's more affectionate so I probably maybe do sometimes hug him a bit more than Ivy not because I love him more but because I feel like he employs it so yeah I do sometimes have that guilt of now that I'm not with their dad I used to really like trying to do one-on-one stuff with them so like it might be the kids will stay at home with their dad and I'll pop out with Ivy for a few hours and we'll do something a bit girly I don't really get to do that anymore because I don't have anyone to leave them at home with and I feel guilty about that because I feel like they're missing out on more

one-to-one interaction with a parent yeah because we're not together anymore but we have so what I've done is I've taken you know time out of my kid free weekend to be like do you mind if I take Ivy out for a few hours well yeah so I have tried to do that but then I don't want to also take them away from time with their dad yeah exactly yeah I win but yeah I really resonate with the whole kids are different they need different from you and also they they require different amounts of you in different days like some days they might need more of you yeah it's like us as as adults so yeah our needs are changing all the time and yeah mum guilt over losing my temper with my kids

and not handling the situation I relate to this so much it's the worst when especially on those days when you're touched out you're overstimulated yeah the house is a mess there's noise and everything that triggers you and you just you react in a way that you you know almost as you're reacting it's not the way you want to do it and it's like you just it's like a fizzy bottle it just erupts and then that awful feeling like i've had it recently again i don't know if it's Theo's response to his new living situation or starting school or what it is. But I feel like at bedtime, we were in a really good place. Like he was going down really nicely and arguing.

I was actually really enjoying it. It was a really nice time. And recently, it's just he's really been pushing it, pushing it and pushing it. And I get stressed because the evenings are when I often do a lot of my work or I'm cleaning. Literally, those are my evenings. I'm working or cleaning. I'm never doing anything remotely exciting. And in my head, I'm like, right, we're losing time.

We're losing time. He's playing up. He's doing this. And I just, the other day, I just shouted at him. I was like, I need to work. And I remember I left the room and I felt so bad. My rule in my house is I will always go back and apologize because I think it's really important to model

that behavior so I think and that I mean I'm not going to sit here and say that stops my mum Gil it absolutely doesn't but I think I then step out the room I gather myself together I go back in and and I say mummy shouldn't have shouted then I should have stepped outside and caught my breath because I was getting a bit angry and kind of explain my actions to him I said that was wrong next time I'm gonna try and do better and we have a cuddle and we like repair that and you know I say so sorry and I think it's really important to model that and I think it's also really important for kids to know it is okay. Like sometimes you can't help how you react to things.

That is, we are human, but it's how you respond to that and how you deal with it. And, you know, the things like the apologies, I think are really, really important to model. And actually, it's really nice seeing Theo starting to model that like when he shouts at me or he does something he shouldn't do he'll come up to me off his own back it actually like makes me feel really proud like actually I am doing an okay job and he'll come up and be like well mummy I'm really sorry and I genuinely think he means it so I think we need to try and remove that guilt of having those moments where we snap because ultimately humor we're exhausted we're exhausted we are like i i am continuously chasing my tail nothing is ever finished nothing is ever as i want it the house you know there's always

something isn't there and sometimes it's that noise it's that touch it's that sometimes i feel like they maybe can sense it and they do push on it probably because they want a bit of attention and if I was like calm and relaxed I'd be able to notice that and give the attention rather than getting angry but like we are human we do react and like you said it's acknowledging that mistake showing them how to resolve it and I think it's no different to when you have an argument with a partner how every way said that like that repair and reconnect is more important than the actual argument and that's no different with your kids so I think we are all going to have that guilt of I shouldn't have shouted or I was really horrible sometimes i even wrong maybe wrong i'm telling myself stop what are you like i even

realize i shouldn't be doing it whilst i'm doing it and i carry on because i'm so like why do you not listen to me i've said it three times i'm not gonna say it at fourth and in my head i'm like what you're doing is not gonna make it any better i can't help it and then after yeah so yeah i think that's probably going to be the most one of the most common ones is like any better. I can't help it. And then after we've won. Yeah. So yeah, I think that's probably going to be the most, one of the most common ones is like the shouting

at your kid. But also remember like whilst they are children learning to regulate their own emotions, we are still learning to regulate ours.

Like we're always ongoing. Here, carry on. I think that one's quite. Having time to myself i always feel guilty i don't anymore i don't anymore because i feel like when i'm with them it's so full-on i give as much as i can so when i have time to myself i'm like i deserve this

my time to myself now is my time away from the kids. Yeah. So actually, yeah, you're right. I don't really feel, I don't feel guilty for it anymore. No. I'm embracing it now. And I just feel like also anyone that's listening to this that doesn't come from like a two home family, I feel like it's just as important to have time for you

because being a mum shouldn't define you. And I think a lot of the time it ends up being that way and you know you're still you're a child you may be a sister you're a wife or a partner like it's it shouldn't it's not just about the kids and I don't think you should feel guilty about yeah so do things you enjoy doing like one thing I like realize in my separation is like I lost myself in my marriage I lost who I was what maybe not just in my marriage maybe even becoming a mom yeah I lost what I enjoyed I you know I I couldn't tell you what my hobbies were anymore. I didn't, I don't know. I just felt, and I feel like I'm finding myself now and I'm doing things that I used to love or I'm discovering new things that I love.

And it's, I think in hindsight, I wish I'd poured a bit more into myself. And, you know, even things like, I don't know, like if you like going for facials or treatments or taking yourself shopping or just it's so important to do things a that makes you feel good because again like happy mom happy baby if you're doing things for yourself i do genuinely believe you give more back as a parent you're less resentful absolutely like i feel like you could be a better wife

like yeah I was literally going to say like it's all very well us saying like you know we get to have this time that we never had because we're now separated and we have a lot more kid free time but I think there's something that is maybe really refreshing to if you're listening to this and you are still with your kid's

father is you know maybe once a month on a Saturday, if he doesn't work or whatever, can I have a morning to, I'm going to go to the shops on my own. I'm going to go and get my nails done. I think it's important, you know, I think men sometimes have this habit of like, they're going to go to the football or they're going to go and play golf.

It's just as important, not only to do things at date nights and couple things, but also to find yourself again. because it's so easy to get lost in being a mum and I wouldn't feel guilty for it okay this one okay being on my phone too much hit the nail on the head yeah I think a lot of us are guilty of this I always say I find it really hard because I feel like a lot of my work is based on my phone I can do all my work yeah all my editing all my communication my clients to see when my phone on my laptop and I think as well like when you do work for yourself it's really hard to find the line because I don't want my kids to ever feel like they're being ignored and something's more

important but I do I fully accept I have to work around my kids and my kids are there often when I'm working. And I have to do that. That is my job. And you know what it's like. So I think there's a fine line. I think if we're focusing too much on our phones and not actually being present and in the moment

and doing fun things, like I think in my opinion opinion if you're compromising too much on having that physical time with your kids actually sitting down and playing because a lot of the time if you're on your phone and they are bugging and bugging they want you to play that's how kids say i need some attention like i need will you play with me i have a little rule that if theo comes up to me mine doesn't quite know how to say it yet but theo says mommy will you play with me i have a little rule that if Theo comes up to me oh mine doesn't quite know how to say it yet but Theo says mummy will you play with me I stop what I'm doing and I do it because I feel like that's his way of saying mummy I need you I don't think it's necessarily about the playing and I think he needs me in some way so I think it's just having that I don't know that discipline

almost like put it in the bigger picture I always think to myself in however many years' time, my kids aren't going to ask to play with me. They're not going to want to play with me. They're going to be in their rooms on their own gaming or whatever it is they're into and they won't want that and I'll probably be thinking I wish they wanted me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do think we need to, and it's easier said than done.

I'm not saying never have your phone out or whatever. We're entitled to communicate with people. We're entitled to, you know, but I do think. Yeah, we're probably very, we're all probably guilty of it in this day and age. Just generally social media, like think how many hours you probably spend on your phone, even not working. So no, I I do I feel that and I think just trying to make that conscious effort to limit it some in some way is I think

would probably be good for everyone yeah I agree I always feel guilty for rushing bedtime I do that sometimes look I think sometimes you burn out and you you're waiting for that piece i've i've certainly been guilty of putting my kids to bed early on nights where i i need it and or not even putting them to bed early but just literally being like i want another book or this that and the other and sometimes a bit like you mess about so much if you just went to bed nicely after this book i'd be happy to do the book do you know and and sometimes like you said it's kind of like clock watching you're like oh do you know what they're not even in bed yet it's 7 30 i'm really tired i don't want to go to bed too

late but there's something about staying up later than i should so i have that time to just be without children so i think we're all guilty of even that, like, countdown to bedtime. And then once they're in bed, you're like, oh, I've got to do that. And some days aren't. I think some days are really lovely. And, like, some days I genuinely have started to enjoy bedtime.

I think there's something really nice about a familiar routine. And I don't know, just, it's really cliche, but, like, your children feeling, like, safe with you and knowing, I don't know, but for us it's cliche, but like your children feeling like safe with you and knowing, I don't know, but for us, it's a really big deal. Theo's actually been falling asleep on his own. I know, I know that's a big deal. Like a few months ago,

he was only falling asleep on my chest. And there's something about him feeling safe to do that. Something I find quite, really quite lovely about it. And I don't know, some bedtimes, I really love my bedtime routine with Milo. He knows, like, he... It's funny because I love it so much. He knows to say things and, like, he chooses his book every night.

And even things like me lay down, he lays down for me to put his sleeping bag on and just really cute stuff. He goes, now we do kiss. Like, it's just, it's really little cute things like now we do kiss like it's just it's really little cute things like that and i think that expectation for them is really important so i feel bad because i feel like sometimes i rush bedtimes more with theo than i do with my life and i literally do that that's where my guilt is is my bedtime with so i tend to bath them all

together yeah and then get them all out get them dry And I will say to Bacon Ivy, go and get your pajamas on and you can chill in your bedroom for a bit and I'll deal with Rome first because he's so easy to go down. So I feel like I sort of sit there and we do our books and we've got a routine. He lies on his beanbag. And Garen's here on him going down. I literally then put him in his cot and I'm like, I love you.

He's like, I love you, mommy. And then I leave the room with the door open and Blake and Ivy are screaming and jumping around on their bed and he doesn't batter an eyelid so like I'm not saying I enjoy it more because he listens and he's well behaved but it's an easier process we've got our little routine so then sometimes once I've done that bedtime I then go to Blake and Ivy and they're messing about they're not winding down but then I think to myself it's two five-year-olds they're sharing a bedroom how am I expecting them to wind down without me in the room that's where I feel like the routine for me isn't great being on my own because really ideally after bath I should be in there with them helping them wind

down doing the stories with them but but i've left them to their own accord to deal with rose so they're going fucking wild hanging upside down on their beds one's under the bed like it's literally there um so yeah i i do sometimes have that guilt of doing the lovely bedtime with rome and then by the time i get to their room i'm a bit like why haven't you listened about this like to have a great bedtime tonight I'm gonna have such a good bedtime and we're gonna come on here next week I'm gonna be like that bedtime was fucking going to the gym and focusing on my own goals if my partner can play football then I can go to the gym how that's literally what I just

said and obviously in my line of work I work with a lot of women who battle the guilt of oh but like the kids come first and I do think it's so important that you are doing things for yourself but one of those things I also think as well like by going to the gym and spending time working out and improving your health i genuinely think that makes you a better mom physically like i've had so many clients say physically they can do more with their kids they can bend down they can chase them they can go on long walks you know like we're we're investing in us being healthier for longer yeah so we're investing in ourselves as people and as mums to be that healthy person I also think as well like that's sorry this is

like my PE teacher head on but I think you're also demonstrating self-care to your kids like it's really important to look after yourself it's really important to take care of your health and take pride in moving and I think it also normalizes it like obviously a lot of what I do I do boot camps for mums purely for this so a lot of my clients work out around their kids and I think sometimes for some people that takes the guilt away because they're not away from them and actually what's really lovely is I have lots of clients who their little kids join in or they're watching their mummies work out and they're thinking that's good to see and it's really good to see it normalizes it it's you know it's not showing things like exercise as a punishment or anything like that and I think

when we start realizing that actually we shouldn't feel guilty for a doing something you enjoy doing but be like doing something that's actually taking care of ourselves and making us healthier and stronger and fit and essentially bright even like prolonging your life do you know what i mean i don't i it's something i refuse to um feel guilty for but it's certainly something i've found challenging since becoming a single mum yeah i used to work out three nights a week outside in the garage i can't go out there because it's too far away from the house that i can't that's such a shame with the, so I am just doing my book. I think one thing that's very obvious here is when we're reading all these things that people are sending in about what they have mum guilt over,

it's actually, of the things that we're doing that we're feeling guilty for, it's benefiting our children. So sometimes I think we need to like pause and look at the bigger picture and think, okay, I might feel guilty for this but actually it's not negatively impacting anyone and my kid is at the interest of this yeah and it's a lot of us seem to feel guilty for spending any kind of time away from our children I think we have this thing where we chose to have them or bring them into this world, so therefore we need to be the ones always being there.

But actually, also, your child learning to be away from you is healthy. I feel like I could probably put a positive spin on every single mum girl. Literally, like, troll me. I'd love someone to be like, oh, but I feel guilty of this. I'd be like to be like oh but I feel guilty with this I'll be like well however like there always is something that you can spin a positive on where I feel like it's beneficial for your child you know one of the things that I sometimes feel massively guilty for

is maybe like the meals I give my children sometimes I'm like you see those mums or again on Instagram and it's very much like comparing yourself but who make these like homemade like shepherd's pies and casserole dishes and I'm like here's your pasta and cheese or here's your chicken nuggets and chips that wouldn't be tough like that you know I wish they did but at the end of the day like you're giving your child a meal that is going to fill their bellies and give them energy to get on with the day. So, yes, I wish I was that mum that prepped my meals and batch cooked and cut out little flowers in their sandwiches.

Yeah, but I'm not that mum. I feel like I was at the beginning. I used to, you know, do all my homemade like blended and now my kids don't want sadly fresh salmon with quinoa and bulgur and you know they want McDonald's sometimes and you know they're being fed like thank god I can feed my children. So again, a positive spin on one of my biggest mum guilt. What's one of your biggest mum guilt? I guess it's that overstimulation for me. I feel really guilty that it could literally be like a touch or a noise.

And I know it's like them needing me in some way. and I feel like if I've had a day of it literally I feel like my head can be screaming and I feel like everything is amplified and some days it literally feels like my brain is going to fall out my head and it's for me is the snapping or the, I guess, like, inability to self-regulate first. Yeah. I always feel, I'm really bad with that. I, like, beat myself up. Even if I've apologised, I'll still, like, spend that whole evening being like, I don't know, almost, like, beating myself up,

being like, you're such a crap mum. But you do know you're not i know i'm not one thing i am sure of in my life is i'm a good mom but i still i'm one of those people who like i'll go round and round and round a scenario again and my head's my overthinking yeah yeah and i just i don't know it's just like the thing i and and you know what I've I would say I've felt the pressure of that more since being the single mum and being on my own and taking on even more of everything and juggling that and juggling emotions and juggling new situations arising things where I literally want to go outside and scream or you know things kind of going through a divorce is not easy and I think sometimes I need to remember but I'm still processing some really big things

and so sometimes like my mood is more temperamental or I am triggered by things more or I'm less patient and yeah I think I need to start cutting myself a little bit more slack. And as to like what I'm going through is, and what I have been going through is pretty freaking massive. It's a really big thing I need to change. And yeah, it's for me my biggest one. And just a reminder, make sure you download the Voucher Coast app. If like us,

you like shopping and you like saving money on places like ASOS, Boohoo, Bowdoin, Adidas, make sure you get downloading now so you can start saving. Right, let's go into some emails. Okay, this one is called Advice. Hi ladies, love your podcast. I started listening to it at a time where I thought splitting up was the only way forward for myself and my husband. It really helped me think about a lot of things. I tend to sway to and from the idea of separation as sometimes it feels like the only way forward and others it feels like it would be the end of the world to break up our family. He really struggles with communication and any serious conversation ends up being over text message which is already

a huge issue even if it's in the same house and we're in separate rooms we should be able to speak about things openly but can't i feel so jealous of people who say that their partner is the best is their best friend as even after 15 years together and three kids i feel like he doesn't understand me if our relationship over text was reflected in our actual relationship i feel like a lot of our issues would be sorted as he's kind affectionate and understanding most of the time I'm a very sensitive person and he doesn't seem to know how to deal with that he is not very emotional at all and it's hard that he can't accept the way I feel about certain things without me feeling like I'm being silly for example my mother's day he bought me a car but not a gift

I'm not a materialistic person and if anything I wanted some cheesy rubbish that just said mummy on it and he couldn't understand why that upset me. Other things that have come up now I've made a list. Gets jealous when I go out, will keep asking when I'm coming back, how much I drink and if I'm going to be late he seems annoyed but won't admit it. I'll get comments like you're out again when actually it's very rare and I finally feel like I'm finding myself again after children. I support him in doing things for himself, but feel I need to spread mine out and not do it too much. When he goes out, he's very flirty with others, but then will message me looking for reassurance, asking why I love him. He has twice been caught out messaging girls saying he wants

them but I truly believe nothing physical has ever happened. This happened pre-children. Never makes plans for us as a couple or family but is the one organising nights out with the friends and golf trips. We argue a lot over the way we are with the children. He can shout and lose his temper easily whereas I try to do gentle parenting approach. He will also argue in front of them which I refuse to do he never says when I look nice it always it's always comments like that's a tight dress that's a short skirt for work I often feel uncomfortable around friends as he makes jokes often at my expense he says everyone knows it's a joke but I honestly think some people think he's being serious. If I try to bring up suggestions on ways to deal with the kids or any of the above to him he just gets his back up and says well you're not so perfect. Which I fully accept 100% I'm not.

He has just become a very negative person who gets stressed out very easily even to the point where a short car journey he would be annoyed by another driver that then affects my mood. Right now there are days where I don't look forward to coming back from work as he just gets so stressed with the kids and speaks negatively about most things. There's no hello kiss or any excitement to see each other. Maybe that's family life but we're still only in our 30s. I just feel at a loss as we've come around in circles over the same issues time and time again. Things may improve for a week and then it slips back again. I just question if I still love him daily and the answer may change daily too.

I feel like the idea of breaking up a family makes it so much harder and every time I think about it I just get so upset. We have some lovely times as a family. We also have all the same friends now and do things as couples or families we have lots of fun together but those fun times seem to be getting outnumbered by all the other things I've put off sending this or talking to friends I feel like I know what people would say when seeing it written down it all seems so much worse than it is

all when it's all listed together but he is a good good dad. He does a lot at home, works hard, and we do have good times. I feel deep down, even though I question if I still love him, there must be something there that's stopping me from leaving. I also don't have a clue what I would even do in terms of when the conversation is to be had, how we would even part ways.

It all feels very scary. Sorry for the huge email or rambling. I'm not sure what I'm expecting, but it helps to at least let it out to someone your podcast has made me feel a lot stronger and like i could deal with life as a single mom but it's the first step that terrifies me as always please keep me anonymous if you choose to share this thank you and much love i've got so much to say about it reading this quickly there was something I actually think I sent it to you on TikTok and there's this saying that sometimes when things are mediocre or okay that's like more dangerous than if things are really bad because when things are really

really bad you're more likely to make that change to end that marriage leave that job whatever it is that's really bad but when things are not terrible you're then left feeling like it's not bad enough to make that change because the change is so scary. But actually, yes, you're saying that you have good times, but all those bad points are just not an acceptable relationship. I actually listened to that. I could have written about my marriage. It's really resonated with me, actually.

And I completely understand how you're feeling. Because I think before everything happened in my marriage, before it ended, I felt so many of those things. Some of those points are literally down to the T. but some of those points are literally down to the T. And I'll hold my hands up. If my marriage hadn't ended in the way it would have ended, I wouldn't have left.

It's like what you're saying. It was nothing bad enough. I would never have had it in me to leave and walk away. And I think there's a danger in it. And I think if I'd have known what I know now and if I'd known the strength I would have found or the happiness that I'm feeling as I sit here right now and being in such a positive, happy place in my life and genuinely excited for the future

you can't see past everything you've known and i would be more inclined to have left before everything happened i guess you're you're not to ever know what is going to happen no the unknown is so scary and i have i've i've had those feelings for a while of do i love this man do i not um and it's hard when you have like some positive days and then literally all those things that are important to you i understand about the non-communication not being able to speak about things. And I think we've said it time and time again, for a relationship to actually work and to move forwards and for you to grow together. And relationships do change and different needs will change during those relationships.

But if you can't communicate those things it's not going to work and I think like the biggest reason my relationship didn't work was there was simply no communication in terms of I was quite good at articulating needs or importances but I think it's really hard if you're not being heard yeah and you're not being validated or listened to i mean the fact is communicating only via text like it's a massive red flag yeah like well i hate i hate communicating anything serious on text i think it's really hard to tell the tone someone's speaking in to tell i don't know i think you can read a text in a completely wrong way. And one thing I will say is the person I am seeing now, if I feel anything and I'm texting about it,

he'll call me up straight away and say, talk to me. Let's speak about that in person. I think that's a really positive thing to be able to speak. I think my opinion from someone who has been in a very similar situation and it did take something shit to break it down but actually

that's what I needed yeah that's what I mean it's almost more dangerous and hard when you're you know it's not terrible it's not good it's okay or it's not bad enough yeah yeah because this isn't okay it's not terrible and when it's bad but not terrible

doing those things like breaking up your family that guilt almost kicks you back so i think our advice would be is you know try and communicate your concerns in your marriage see if he's willing to make certain changes but if not yeah and have you like said to him like you are considering ending the marriage or is it just you're communicating those other issues i think maybe you need to be like look i'm i am very seriously considering that this might not be right anymore these are reasons like i am open to work on it but this is what i need and i think that very fair and you know what if he if he doesn't listen to you in regards to that, I would even, I'm probably really old school, but I would sit down and write a letter to him explaining that. It depends what kind of relationship you've got, but like some relationships people threaten to leave in marriages all the time and it might have never you time to gather your thoughts and to make sure you've put everything you need to get in there and it's almost like there's no escape that he will have to read it yeah i mean yeah that would be my advice yeah thank you for sending it in very brave okay so we're just going to do a few more stanleys and we're gonna give our little

opinion go on though i've been living with my boyfriend for a couple of years recently i've noticed every time i've gone into my purse money is missing and i'm pretty sure it's him i mean you need to speak to him and like almost confront him and be like i've noticed money's missing yeah because it'd be interesting to see how he reacts, whether he's honest or not, there might be. I think as well, if you've got the concrete evidence that there's no other possibility, if he continued to lie, that's like a massive red flag for me

that what else is she lying about, do you know what I mean? Yeah, but also sometimes it is those small lies that make you wonder what else is going about. So yeah, definitely confront it. I'm intrigued. Girls could really appreciate your advice. My baby is one and I'm insecure about my body. Recently, my boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight

and how I should be watching what I eat. That's really insensitive. I would say something. I would say to him, these comments are making me feel this way. I don't know. I feel like then you end up like in a spiralling thing. I don't know.

This one's a really tricky one because like that would ruin me. Not saying an eye. Like it would. But at the same time like it depends also how it's being said because sometimes it could be coming from a place of care you know if someone is unhealthy or really overweight it may be like like I want you to be careful because I know that you're not happy like do you know what I mean so sometimes it also depends how it's said like I know that my mum sometimes will say things to my dad like don't eat that you know you don't need it but also he's diabetic so like but do

you know what I mean like I feel like it's a fine line between being comfortable enough with your partner to be able to like voice something or being like baby should be an actual fact i agree so yeah tricky one tricky one found out my husband has been secretly smoking it's a big no-no for me it's the lighting yeah i was gonna say why is it secret it's the lighting so you obviously know if he's it secretly, he knows it's a big deal for you. But I think the fact he's then keeping, again, I'm the kind of person that would spiral if he's keeping that for me.

What else is he keeping for me? Yes. But I guess granted it could be the only thing. I think the issue is like for me, I don't like smoking. I've never even tried a cigarette. I don't think it's a very nice habit. And it's especially not nice when one of two of you smoke.

And as well, if you've got kids around. I don't agree with that. I don't think it would be a leave. But I think it's, you know, you could be strong enough to give like an ultimatum. Like, I don't feel comfortable you doing it. But then I'm also aware like it can be something that is very hard to stop. So I don't think it's a leave. But it needs to be addressed

and you need to come to some sort of resolution of what's going to work for both of you. Yeah, I agree. Should we end this episode with an affirmation of the week? If you worry about being a good mum, that in itself shows that you are a good mum. Agree. Agree.

Repeat it. If you worry about being a good mum, that in itself means you are a good mom. Agree. Agree. Repeat it. If you worry about being a good mom, that in itself means you are a good mom. Yes. Make sure you guys remember that. Feeling guilty just means that you care. And yeah, that's it. We all have those guilts, but we're just all trying to do the best we can do. And that is the best.

Isn't it? Yeah. Thank you guys for listening hope you loved it make sure as always you follow share and we'd really love it if you could leave some positive feedback on the reviews on apple that would be amazing and yeah thank you so much guys see you next week bye