Not As We Planned - 17. Trying to Parent With Your Ex

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

Sharing your children and parenting with someone you’re trying to move on from can be a challenge to say the least. We share both ours and your experiences, hopefully showing you that your feelings and doubts are valid and so normal. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood. Not as we planned.

So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. So for those of you who might have missed episode all about fetishes, one of our followers messaged in and basically before she went on the second date with this guy, he asked for her email and he sent her the most in-depth, comprehensive Excel spreadsheet and it is all it's proper bdsm stuff like we're talking like there was like physical harm and like and what was it prison play like there's some crazy stuff anyway we messaged her back because we really wanted to know we wanted a follow-up we wanted to know we wanted to do it did she fill in the form? Did she go and meet him? So we got a reply.

So we just thought we had to share it with you because this is just brilliant. So she put, yes, I did. I was gagged, slapped, restrained. He's the only guy that ever made me squirt. He was French and made me call him by his surname. He has been a dom since he was 19. He had sugar babies also. I didn't know any of this until we'd had our second date i was so intrigued by him that i was like fuck it i'll go what's the worst that could happen maybe i'll end up in a suitcase but it might be the best fucking time

of my life i met him on an app called killing kittens not sure if you ladies have heard of it but it's basically a playground for exploring everything. They have monthly parties, whereas members only access, usually mansions, you sign NDAs and basically people are walking around in the sexiest underwear, fancy dress, all depends on the theme of the party. You could turn a corner and you could literally see five girls on one five guys on one girl this was all before i found my partner now and became a mom now i'm angelic as the now i'm as angelic as the virgin mary but i love that i explored that side of things that is fucking crazy that is literally like movie shit like you don't think that that happened yeah so we just had to update you with that

because we were both so excited that we got a reply we were so invested in this PDF so if anyone's interested in it you know the app but uh where's it at now are we? well you know

I just never heard of that app before I mean neither had I so yeah anyway back onto this week's that's this week's theme is slightly different guys a little bit more tame we are talking all things co-parenting i think the last time we really touched on this i was in completely new territory um obviously i'm now six months in tash is even further along again. And I guess we get so many questions about co-parenting in terms of like our split in terms of, I don't know, just feelings and how we figure things out. And I guess we just thought it could be helpful. And, you know,

we've got some questions that we're going to go through and we'll obviously answer. Obviously, both our setups are different. So what is your current setup at the moment? Lance, obviously both our setups are different. So what is your current setup at the moment? So, I mean, nothing is final at the moment. So at the moment I have them in the week and then every alternate weekend he has them Friday to the Sunday, like late afternoon. And then the week in between that

he has them literally Friday night till Saturday midday. And then the rest of between that he has them literally friday night till saturday midday um and then the rest of it is all me run and like that's working a lot better because it means like what we didn't have before we didn't have our set weekends it was it wasn't in place it was kind of literally playing it week by week and i really struggle with that i couldn't make plans yeah i i feel like at the moment like i don't really do a lot for myself in the middle of the week I don't you know that's really challenging like things coming up like in what we do like events and stuff I have to pay for a babysitter to help or whatever it is and I guess that's where we're trying to figure things out because in a sense it feels a bit like

unfair that he can do what I guess it's just parent it's just co-parenting and you know our situation where he does live so far away it's not like he can just come and help out and I'm finding that really challenging I feel I feel like it's really hard with things like I ideally would love to send Theo to do football class on a Saturday. He's really paid an interest in it. But one weekend he's with me on a Saturday here and the next he's down where his dad lives. He can't do those things.

You just don't feel like there's that stability yet. There's not a stability. At the moment I do feel like I am the parent doing the nitty-gritty and the boring and the mundane I do the washing I do the cleaning I do this I'm looking after them I'm getting the grumpiness I'm getting like the everyday routine and then I feel like he gets to be the really fun parent who you know every other weekend or at the weekend gets to take them somewhere really cool and it's really exciting and it's a fun day out with daddy and daddy's going to be the fun

parent and do you feel like there's a there's a certain aspect of that even being the case when you're not divorced I guess to some degree yes I mean in my, that wasn't a thing. Like, in the way it was before was weekends were family time and we'd do things together. I mean, more like during the week. Like... Doing all the mundane stuff. Yeah, absolutely. But that's it.

I think it's... And that is a hard part. And I know a lot of people in marriages and relationships where the woman is doing all that stuff like the booking of appointments the things like thinking my child's gone up a new shoe size or you know all those yeah and I feel like that what I'm saying is those things I think are very present whether you're with the dad or you're not like I'm currently filling out forms to apply for uh the nursery of Blake and Ivy's school yeah there's no way in a million years anyone would ever do that other than me and I would never not expect him to do it but

I would never leave him to do it otherwise like Rome won't be going so I feel like there are just certain things that sort of just get put on the mum anyway I've seen a term it's called the default parent and I think that's very much apparent I think for most people the default parent happens to be the woman whether you're with that person or not I'm I'm very much the default parent and I feel like being that parent can be really difficult. And even more so when you're separated because you don't have that other person to fall back for in order to get things done. Like you're still having to, you've got the load,

but you're juggling everything else. And I think that's the thing I'm struggling with at the moment. I feel like he always takes it. And don't get me wrong, I'm so pleased he can take them to lovely places and do really fun things and the kids are having a really lovely time. But part of me can't help but feel like a little resentful that that is his time with them. And it's this really positive and happy experience

where he's having to deal less with like, of course there's tantrums and stuff but yeah deal less with that whereas yeah like don't get me wrong on my weekends with the kids i always try and do something but at the same time i've also got to make sure everything in the house is in order for the week ahead i've you know it's um and as well i've had a week of having them every single day doing the school run getting everyone ready getting them you know like it's it's not the same is it no it's not the same i guess i guess it never really will be the same and it's just getting used to a new new normal i think it's even like i think i'm pretty sure i said it when we last spoke about co-parenting. It is still being responsible for like, you know, doing all the washing, doing all the everyday mundane.

And then when they're not with the kids, which is maybe more so more often than not, a lot more time to themselves than what we do. They can kind of like do what they want when they want and i feel like they don't have that like they're not worrying about they're not a parent when they like do you know i feel like it's like even when i'm not with them i'm still like thinking like oh i need to make sure even on my day off i'm gonna quickly go to the shops i need to get that because they've got this school trip yeah do you know I mean I think that is just what it is I don't think that will ever change and it is just learning to kind of like accept that way

of co-parenting like our structure is that their dad has them every other weekend and then he has them one day in the week so he has them like a whole 24 hours in the week so it's like he picks them up like Wednesday pretty much just before bedtime takes them and then brings them back bath time on the Thursday um so yeah like it works for us on the weekends that I have them I have actually also pushed for him to have them on the Thursday night as well he brings them back I do the school run on the Friday so it's just that extra night's sleep that I've been craving when I'm doing six nights in a row where my kids don't sleep I just really wanted that one more night's sleep before i had that full-on

weekend and rest of the week with them i think that's that's what i feel like i'm missing yeah is that how i get it's things like i can't even pop out to tesco if we've forgotten something like i've got to think about these things before they go to bed because if I think of them after bed tough they're in bed yeah I can't just I don't know I used to pop out in the evenings and post my Hermes stuff back yeah because I don't want to be taking two kids in massive boxes yeah I can't do those things yeah and it's like things you don't even think about until you can't do them yeah no I really get that like now I'm so used now I'm so used to it and I don't even think about until you can't do them yeah no I really get that like now I'm so used now I'm so used to it and I don't even think about how I used to be able to do those things anymore but you know there have been situations where I'm like the food my food shop

gets um delivered on a Sunday night so I've got everything ready for Monday morning and then it will come and I'll see that like something hasn't arrived and then I'm like now I've got to take all three of them out with me tomorrow to go into the shops to get it and it's just not a simple like we can't pop anywhere with three kids um but yeah should we read some of the things that we got Sam? Someone's put here, which is sort of kind of what you've touched on, constantly feeling guilty that I don't do enough with my daughter in the ways compared to her dad. Yeah, I completely feel it.

It's just so hard. It's probably my biggest battle. I feel like they come back and tell me about these amazing weeks I've been to the zoo. They've done this. But do you know what one thing I will say and this may not be the case for everyone but you know when you plan those like family days out even when you were together or even when you're you decide to take the boys on your own and on paper it sounds so lovely but the reality is a lot of the time they aren't that great. They are quite stressful. They don't listen.

Sometimes I think you need to remember that, yes, they may have gone to the zoo with Daddy, but how much did Daddy actually enjoy it? Was he like constantly repeating himself? So sometimes I think like those days sound great, but also doing them on your own isn't always very fun. That's I feel like another thing, okay, that I want to touch on. And again, I can't speak for every dad.

And I'm also not saying that it's wrong, but I reckon majority of people listening to this, even if they are still with their partner, they will probably be able to say that if they separated from their husbands or partners and then they had a weekend with the kids, their mum would be with them. I'm with you, you're right.

Do you understand? So like the grandma would be with them. So I feel like, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing because I know a lot of men probably find it hard. They don't have that maybe like maternal instinct to do certain things on their own. But sometimes I get that kind of like feeling of, they don't have that maybe like maternal instinct to do certain things on their own but sometimes i get that kind of like feeling of i really do the parenting on my own and i don't really feel like

he ever does i think actually since we've been co-parenting it's forced him to actually do more things on his own so when we first separated everything was with his parents yeah and he like like dubbing out for a day out with the kids previously was like i think it was terrifying the concept that i even went away with them he was like you're i mean not normal i don't think you're normal but he like he would take his parents everywhere and i say like he he still does take them out a fair bit but he is doing more things on his own with them which i think is a really good thing and yeah like it was good it's as well and i think i don't know maybe to some extent maybe he is appreciating more i say this i don't know if he actually felt this but appreciating how hard it is yeah I mean I had a bit of um not a meltdown to him but

it was a week where actually we were communicating positively and and I'll hold my hands up and say that doesn't always happen and I think it's very normal in a co-parenting relationship you know it takes a lot of time to get to yeah at a point and it's something I do want to work on but at a point we were co-parenting positively I said to him I basically said what I've said before like I feel like I'm doing all the washing I've got to fit in my work around all of this I'm doing the cleaning I'm doing this I'm doing this and they're doing this I said I feel like you you get to literally show up take him out for a fun day and bring him back and I said I feel like you get to literally show up, take him out for a fun day, bring him back.

And I said, I feel like it's a bit like babysitting. And I said, I don't want to be disrespectful to your role. But he even said to me, like, I don't feel like I'm much of a parent at the moment because of the setup. It's not a normal setup. And, you know, it's something I'm really hoping is going to change i want my kids to have two parents who both parent who both you know dig in deep to the nitty-gritty and you know splitting responsibilities because i i understand logistically yeah a lot of things fell on me before but things are different now i I'm on my own.

I've got to, as well as all of this, you know, I've got to financially be on my own. I've got to fund a lot more on my own, you know. It's, I think just for me as well, getting it off my chest about exactly how I was feeling. Because I think, again, like, look, even though my relationship with him romantically has ended, I think that communication is still really important as co-parenting. Yeah. Some relationships can be really complex with co-parenting.

And I'm not saying mine is perfect. It's not. But I do think it's important like if I'm struggling with something like the load like the resentment if I'm being honest I am going to articulate that yeah no and I think that's good like where I am now with our co-parenting relationship I think I would say like it it's good like it's really good like very amicable like see each other drop offs it's completely pleasant um I think there's just always going to be with most co-parenting relationships there's going to be things that still maybe trigger you from you know I think it's

generally much harder on the mum when it comes to separating because the load is more on you. But then I guess I could also, you know, there's probably also dads out there that really struggle with the lack of time that they've got with their kids. I saw one of the questions was about like, how do you come to an agreement with the split because my ex wants 50 50 and i refuse to only have my children 50 percent of the time that would kill me as much as i sit here and i say things like i love my time away from the from the kids to really like recoup and like enjoy my own time to only have my kids 50 i I feel like would ruin me. And I guess luckily, we came to our arrangement easily, pretty much based on the fact that I knew I was going to have the majority of the time because one, I wanted that and two, I know that he isn't able to because of work.

And I don't actually think he wants them. I don't think he'd ever want them 50 at the time i think if i turned around and said to him can we do 50 50 i think he would have said no because i had to push for that extra thursday night just a night he's not even giving them breakfast it's just a night so i can have some sleep um so i guess there's like pros and cons of sometimes you've got a co-parent that like is really pushing to want more time with them and you don't want them to have it and then you've got the flip side where they don't want to be involved at all to the individuals as to what what you guys want like for me I've I think I've always been that person who's done more like I've always been

the one who spends my time with the kids so i've done like everything i've done in terms of my work was so that i could spend that time with my kids yeah that's it wasn't even a conversation like i want this i want that i but i put forward a suggestion or initially we were just like going a bit ad hoc and then i said i think we need a routine but yeah it's just not working. It's not working. It wasn't working at all. I like literally didn't know what I was doing one week to the neck.

I assume I speak for him, but I think this is working a lot better. And, you know, there are going to be occasions where I want to get to the point where we help each other out with situations. So like, for example, obviously I went away the other week and my flight back wasn't till Monday afternoon so I asked him to have the kids on the Sunday night take Theo to school in the morning drop Milo at his childminder and do the pickups and then I'd

be back and actually he agreed and do you know what that's really nice and that was the point where I want to get to because there's going to be points where he might and he has he's asked me to have them on a day when he would usually have them because he's doing something for himself fine like as long as it's not taking the mick and it's not you know trying to not do say yes but i think life's not as straightforward as this this this things are going to crop up you know and i think at the end of the day for us i'm i'm not saying we're there yet but i want to get to a point where any kind of feelings in terms of anger or resentment is just like, it just squashes. In my eyes, it literally does not matter anymore.

Like, I don't want to keep going over things that have happened. I don't, I genuinely don't care. I don't care if this didn't happen in our marriage or, you know, I literally, I feel like where I have so mentally moved on from that relationship I don't want to keep going around in circles I don't want to feel angry I want to get to a point where I just feel indifferent where I just know he's their dad and I have to communicate and in my in my opinion I want that communication to be minimal i don't really want anything to do with him other than communicating about my children you know i don't we're not going to have christmas

together no i don't spend any time with the man you know i really don't but what i do want i want a positive environment for my kids i don't want any negativity to be spoken about anyone you know I want it to be really positive you know as we both move forward it's like we're gonna see other people and I think we need to be respectful towards you know understanding that our relationship didn't work but perhaps there are people out there better suited for us and to be respectful of that i think that's a place i would really like to get and i feel like that is very doable because i feel like that's where i'm at it is very indifferent like regardless of what i've been through i no longer like see him and i'm like i get out my face you'll be like I hate you like I genuinely I actually do I care about him

he is the father of my kids I don't wish anything bad on him I hope that he finds happiness because if he's happy then my kids will be happy when they're with him and I feel like that's the way you've got to look at it and I saw um a quote that really like stuck with me and I feel like that's the way you've got to look at it and I saw a quote that really like stuck with me and it was like always make sure that you love your kids more than you hate your own yeah because they're not going anywhere like don't get me wrong fine I mean we're not in this situation but there are going to be people that have co-parenting relationships where there actually isn't a co-parenting relationship you are solely looking after your kid on your own. You don't get to get any time to yourself

because the dad has literally no interest and my heart breaks for you. Maybe not so much for the kids because if he's not wanting to be around, then maybe they're better off, as sad as it is. But it must be really hard for a mum that does it all on their own that doesn't get to have that time because there's one thing doing it on your own

that is in like you know being single mums like it's fucking hard but not being able to have that time like I can't imagine what that must be like and that must be really really difficult I do agree and I look like co-parenting relationships are really difficult like you are trying to still bring up your child to be like the best version of themselves and but you're still also dealing with things that happened and it's also very normal to still feel certain things. Like I'm not going to sit here and lie and say I'm in the place where Tash is at where I wish him happiness and stuff

because right now I'm not quite there. And do you know what? Some people don't need to get there. Like I'm not sitting here being like, oh, I really want to set him up with someone. I hope he finds something. Do you know what I mean? Like I mean more like i don't wish bad things which i think maybe one day i i did but like that's it but like it's more like i no longer wish for it

yeah i know when you're angry and you're going through stuff you're like fuck him like i hope that you know he feels my pain and i don't care to wish to that anymore because i'm over it but when you carry that anger like in a co-parenting relationship it just makes you feel worse yeah and it's like that manifesting stuff we're talking about if you if you're just angry and angry then that makes you feel rubbish and then you end up being grumpy and snappy and yeah it's just not positive I think I don't know saying I'm I'm learning very much at the moment like I am so done with bringing things up and going around in circles I just don't need to be revisited I'm very much at a point in my life where i am moving forwards and i'm excited about that yeah i feel the need and actually in actual fact

i'm at a bit of a point where i'm looking back at that and i'm feeling grateful that's making me appreciate what's in front of me a lot more yeah so i don't need to keep revisiting it i don't need to keep revisiting it. I don't need to keep bringing up anger. I just want to get to a point where I think what I'm missing is, yes, it's a bit more stable with our routine, but I want that extra bit more stability. Like there's certain aspects of my divorce that I was still trying to figure out.

Yeah, still. Yeah. Still. Yeah. I think it's the uncertainty and certain aspects because we're not divorced yet and things aren't finalized. You know, I haven't got that security of where I'm going to live. I haven't got that security of what my setup's going to be. I think it's that that I am finding the hardest in terms of like being able to co-parent well

because as much as I want to be really civil all the time, there's still things that are cropping up and I'm like, well, why can't this be this way? You know, hear me out so yeah I mean it's it's it's um obviously it's a process it's a process that's what I was trying to think it is a process and I think that you know anyone listening to this that may be like right at the beginning of their relationship they're like start of their co-parenting like no two co-parenting relationships are going to be the same and you just gotta you've got to sort of like work with what you've got do you know what i mean like some are going to be those no eye contact you're never

really going to speak and you'll just make sure and you just make sure you don't fight and it's the drop-offs are you know you don't really go to the door they drop the kids off it also depends on the age of the kid yeah and also you know if the kids are much older and don't want to go to daddy every other weekend you know it's going to get to a point where you can put all these things in place but once they're of an age where they are more able to make decisions they may not want to go there or they might want to go there more so i feel like it is hard to follow up with what you've got it's stuff like that as well like so say for example I don't know is sometimes it actually hasn't happened that many times but it might be an occasion where I've asked Theo to stop doing something and he'll say daddy lets me do

that here or stuff like that and if or you know I want to see daddy and I feel like he's doing it despite me and actually like I know it's just his way of coping but how do you really hurt yeah I have it a lot where it's more I feel like when I said no to something and then it's but daddy lets us or when are we seeing daddy next and how many sleeps are daddy and like they they know yeah so you do have to take it with a pinch of salt sometimes i feel like kids would be like oh i miss daddy i just want to be with daddy just like they i feel like we don't give children enough credit for like yeah yeah i do agree but should we look at some other questions? Yes. So I've got one here. She's put, last year I had the kids for Christmas. We're now starting to talk about the holidays.

I really can't bear the thought of not being with them. What would you do? And this is every single parent's worst nightmare, isn't it? Yeah, like I know you haven't experienced Christmas yet. Last year was the first Christmas um that I had but separated so I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and then he had them the night of Christmas Day and Boxing Day I feel like they're obviously of an age where they don't really know the dates like I literally just said to them like it we don't we pretty much did like Christmas Eve

and Christmas Day at me and then they did it all again at daddy. Look, some people may say that you just need to take it in turns because that's the right thing. However, I feel so strongly about just the little things. I'm so sentimental

and I just, I put so much care and effort into the sort of things that I do for things like this and the things I do for them on Christmas Eve I just know won't get done somewhere else that's literally it's even just like the Christmas Eve boxes I do their chocolate milk my dad dresses up as Santa and goes and hides in the back of our garden on Christmas Eve and like waves and they think it's really Santa you know you do the snow footsteps like the cookie and the carrot have been eaten just all those things that I just feel like bring so much like magic and joy to your kids that I just know wouldn't get done anywhere else so rightly or wrongly I've said a few times to him like what's the plan of Christmas can we do the

same as last year he was like I'll let you know I'll let you know I'll let you know so in the end after maybe three or four attempts of me trying to find out what it is that he's left to me now I have turned around and said I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but I'm gonna have them and he hasn't pushed it so I'm having them like I feel like, I think I have it quite good in the respect that he isn't that dad that really pushes to want them. You can see pros and cons to that. I'm not saying that he doesn't care to be with them. I'm not saying that he's not good when he's with them. But I think maybe deep down he also knows that like I will bring that kind of magic more to Christmas Eve and also like he's with his family on Boxing Day we always did Christmas Day

with my family Boxing Day with his so they already do Boxing Day so I feel like it just works well yeah um so yeah that have you we've discussed have, I, I guess because it's been a bit of a big thing in my head. I mean, as far as I remember, we've discussed it and sorted it, but you know. You might listen to this and be like, by the way, you were wrong. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to have them Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I don't know if he'll come and get them on like later on in Christmas Day and have them. Certainly Boxing Day Day but because his parents obviously don't live near we always used to go down for Boxing Day and stay a few days

before New Year's Eve so he's not in work then so it logistically would make sense that he would have them on Boxing Day and keep them there for a few days yeah especially with the distance we always do a big Christmas thing. Again, like you, like just bring the magic and there's also feel like there's something that it's really important to me.

I actually think, it makes me sad thinking about it. I'm crying. The thought of waking up on Christmas without a knife. I know. That's me. I know.

It's actually a painful thought to have. I just, I'm sorry for anyone who has got to go through that i'm freaking crying i don't because i'm so hot it's like a wedding hair that's like what has been one of my fears is like going through christmas like i'm even now thinking on boxing day i'll be on my own because my mum always goes to her friends and i won't have my babies and like i i'm gonna do it on boxing day i'll be on my own because my mum always goes to her friends and i won't have my babies and like i i'm gonna do it on boxing i struggled really a lot on boxing day last year but actually i ended up doing something that i used to do before i had kids and i used to go to london and shop all the sales with my sister so boxing day is a great fucking shopping day

so you do you do you and you shop until you drop. It's just one of those things. It's a milestone, isn't it? Yeah. And it is a struggle. And I hate the family politics around. I never thought that I would have the family politics around Christmas because it was always just like, I'm with my family.

Do you know what I mean? And I never really saw my family being like that broken family where it's like one year at dad, one year at mum. And it does make me sad. It's things like that that make me sad. And look, to be honest, I am amicable enough with him to be like, come to me in the morning and we'll give them all their

presents however I feel like it gets to a point especially when we're with other people or whatever it's just it's just not necessary but yeah I mean look maybe it's a bit much for me to expect to have them every year but for now I know I've got them this year and I'm just not thinking any further than that because it does kill me. I think for anyone that, you know, maybe is struggling with the thought because they are taking it in turn. You've just got to make sure that you fill your day with as much as you can. And remember, especially if your kids are are young they don't know what day is Christmas so make another day Christmas you know if you're only with them Christmas Eve then make the 23rd that night is the night that you do all the stuff you know they don't look at everything

on social media and see what's going on and you just got to work with what you've got and it is hard and it's a process but it's just one of sadly the things that comes with two homes let's find another one um my kids are going to be away from it from me for the first time for a week they're going away with their dad when you haven't been with your kids what's been the setup do you facetime or do you just wait and not speak to them? So the longest I've been away from my kids is a Friday night to a Monday. Right. I've not, like I have asked to, but it's not always possible to FaceTime.

I feel like if it was any longer than that I'd I'd want to it's like it's a big thing for me yeah um but when we when I went on holiday when I took the boys away for a week and obviously my ex was missing out on a weekend with them they facetimed him right I think it's the right thing to do yeah so the longest i've been away from them is a week and i facetime them every day um my their dad doesn't see them for five days every other week and he doesn't ever facetime them but i guess he's maybe used to it. For me, when he has them, I check in multiple times because it's just how I am. And he's never had a problem with it. At the beginning, I think, of the co-parenting, I didn't.

Just because I was trying to not have as much contact with him. And it affected me. And I always thought to myself, no news is good news. If there's a problem I'll know yeah I think I remember mentioning it in one of our episodes I think I said something like I used to when he dropped them off I'd ask them like what they have for dinner and if they slept well but actually it's been and gone I don't need I don't know but now I do ask those things because I want to know and it doesn't affect me to speak to him so yeah when he's with them every morning i asked

how they slept and then every night i asked him how they went to bed and he doesn't do do it the other way around but i guess like i think men are different in general um but yeah i think that you know if you're away from your kids you need to do or at least off to do what what it is that you want if you want to facetime them do it but if you also are at that point where you struggle to have that communication with your air or as well i think you also need to think of the kids like sometimes i actually feel like facetiming makes it worse like whenever i've been away from my kids, not before I've been married, before I've been separated,

sometimes FaceTiming my kids made them more aware mummy's not there. Yeah. It actually made it worse. Yeah. She's like, I think whilst I struggle being away, I actually think the kids are more settled without being reminded of me.

Yeah. No, I get it. So I have kind of i and that's really what i've done the last few times i've like had slightly longer weekends away is i've taken a step back just trying to think of the kids because i know sometimes when they speak to me they have a bit of a wobble and yeah i i don't want to be that person creating you know trouble yeah and things that i don't want my kids to person creating, you know, trouble. Yeah. And I don't want my kids to get upset.

Yeah. Yeah, you've got to obviously do what works for everyone, isn't it? Kids being put first. Absolutely. Yeah, so I've only FaceTimed them on the occasions where it's been longer. Yeah, it's longer. Let's do a few more my ex has introduced my children to his girlfriend they've been together for a month he didn't ask me and i'm really angry what would

you do that would really upset me i mean livid like i just think it's so disrespectful i mean i don't know whether this is a case but to find out probably through the children or something like that. I have said this. I think someone asked me this in one of my question box the other day, actually. Everyone's different. And for me, it's a massive thing to introduce someone, especially under what terms. I don't even feel like it needs to be a really formal thing to start someone especially like under what terms like i don't even feel

like it needs to be a really formal thing to start with as well like i i think when the time comes like the way i'd do it would be just like having them there as a friend and then just being around um but i just think it's really disrespectful i I know you even offered your ex to meet him first and I just think that's the right thing to do. I feel like I was doing something so wrong by him not being in the loop regardless of how we ended or how our relationship is or anything.

In my opinion, they're his children too and i do think it's look it's not a legal thing but i think there's a line of respect about having it's actually like a bit of a trigger for me like this like i think it's because one of my biggest fears is my kids being introduced someone maybe I don't even know about or someone I know nothing. Look, same, because I haven't experienced this either. And I'm like, that's what is so frustrating, I think, with a co-parenting relationship or any relationship

because you can't control what other people do. They'll do what they want. And, you know, if there was lack of respect in your marriage in the first place and you can't really expect it to suddenly appear when you're not together. And it's just sad because really, I also think that maybe the kids aren't taken into consideration, especially after a month. I know we said it's not about time. That's really true. But that is a period of time.

When I sue someone, I want to be sure that person's like a long term in my relationship. Look, I feel like the damage has been done. I would vocalize my opinion to him and say, I'm actually really upset about this. But I think what's really important is to then not get into a bit of a one upmanship and then introduce someone you're dating really early. Because at the end of the day you've got to prioritize the kid 100% and you've just as much as it's annoying and it's crap I think you need to just set that example as to what you know look by the sounds of it who knows like they could have another relationship in a few months' time and it could be someone else. Yeah, so yeah.

So maybe make sure that it doesn't... Look, I've been dating this person for nine months and I'm very serious this is going to go somewhere and I feel like we're ready to introduce them to my kids. Again, it's not something I can speak from experience yet. I do feel like there will come a time when this will become a thing for me and as much as you you could even be sure that you know you're going to want that person in your

life I think when you've been married or you've been with someone a long time I just in my eyes I just feel like sometimes there's just no rush and sometimes I don't know I feel like introducing kids into a mix sometimes can complicate things I definitely think that also her letting him know that she's not happy with it maybe if he's got the respect if he's only introduced her as a friend, you do something, then they don't need to see her again for a while. Do you know what I mean?

Or as you said, he might be in a different relationship in a few months time and then make sure that he doesn't do it again. Yeah. I think all you can do is voice how you feel and hope that they take it on board. But yeah, that's what you are.

You can't control who your kids see. That other side is something I've asked for advice on as well. Yeah, that is one of my biggest fears, really. Same, to be honest. Like, I trust who I'm going to introduce my kids to, but you don't know who, how they're... Yeah. Yeah, so anyway, thank you for sending those all in should we quickly go

to some emails first of all i want to thank you for your podcast it's really helped me i feel like my life fell apart three months ago when i found out that my husband had been having an affair since before christmas last year obviously the affair is absolutely awful and killed me but what made it all worse was the way that he treated me during and after me finding out he gaslit me blamed me for his behavior apologized but always said i'm sorry but you the worst thing that he did was take my two gorgeous girls on play dates with the other woman and her daughter my daughters now ask about her daughter all the time he has moved out of the family home and has moved into a rented house. He has photos up of him and the other woman.

His focus is just him and his happiness with her and he can't see that it's too much for his daughters. I'm struggling with the idea of my girls having to be around this woman and then being a happy family without me. How do you cope with missing out on memories your kids are making when they're not with you? I mean, first of all, it just pisses me off that a man could be that selfish. Photos up in your house with another woman,

that is so fucking confusing for children. How old, did she say how old they are? No. It just, it infuriates me because it's as she said she is just thinking about himself yeah it's unnecessary is it and it sounds like this is all like relatively new yeah i spoke yeah not thinking he's not thinking the thing is that the only thing i can say and i don't know if this is going to make it any better i know it's so difficult thinking about missing out on like new memories because i remember the first holiday that the kids went on with their dad that's what killed me yeah it was knowing that they were making these really exciting memories that i wouldn't know i wouldn't

be a part of but i think you've just got to remind yourself that you're also going to make new memories with them. And as long as they're happy memories that they're going to make, you've got to try your hardest not to take it personally. You don't want to be with him making memories with him. He sounds like a fucking numpty. Let him get on with it. And at the end of the day, you want your children to have nice experiences and nice memories and

it's okay we're not always part of them and we're not going to be part of their fun experiences at school and with their friends so like i know i know it's hard like i get it but i promise it does get easier especially when you start maybe setting you know adventures for you to do with them and making new memories with them which which is maybe what I would suggest. Plan something a bit special. Yeah. Hey, I just wanted to write this email to show some appreciation. Okay.

I just wanted to write this email to show some appreciation and to thank you both for creating this amazing podcast. I never thought I would find something so relatable and it's truly helping me on my healing journey. However, I know I have a long way to go. My ex-husband and partner of 14 years was having an affair for the majority of my pregnancy. I found out when my daughter was only 12 days old. On the night I gave birth, he couldn't get away from the hospital quick enough as it was the perfect opportunity to go and spend the night with the other girl that actually makes me sick to my

stomach and so angry and he has tainted the most precious moment of my life he walked out on me and his newborn daughter to be with a 21 year old girl who lives a stone throw away from my house when i found out i honestly felt like my world was crumbling at my feet i didn't even want to be alive during those early days and contemplating ending my life constantly, but I knew my baby needed me. My ex refused to tell me who he was having the affair with and seemed to get some joy in telling me with a grin on his face

that I would never find out who it was. As I sat there recovering from childbirth, crying my heart out, he had no problem in telling me this person made him feel things I never could, and that he enjoyed having me affair. Sorry, can we pause a minute? What's wrong with people? The narcissist. She's just getting birthed.

Actually makes me feel ill. He shouted at me and called me a controlling bastard and a brain-dead bastard, all because I was begging him to stay. me and called me a controlling bastard and a brain dead bastard all because I was begging him to stay looking back now how stupid was I but I just wanted to give my little girl a chance of a family unit I told him how I felt suicidal and he laughed in my face I'm sorry this actually makes me feel really unwell I just so disrespectful it's actually like breaking me oh He laughed in my face and told me to stop trying to blackmail him to stay with me. He left me on my own that night with a newborn baby and drove over an hour to be with the other girl. The first two months were mental torture not knowing who the girl was who played a part in tearing my family apart. I begged him to tell me who it was to help me get some peace of mind

but he refused to he made me feel crazy and lied to me saying he wasn't with anyone and he just wanted to be alone I was a paranoid wreck and unable to sleep due to the heartbreak and constant overthinking about if the person he was sleeping with was a friend or a family member thankfully after following him one night I got the answer I needed good for you I confronted him and the girl he was having the affair with was hiding in the boot of his car. I'm sorry, this is a little too much. And him and his family made me out to be a crazy person for following him.

Sorry, you've got profound issues if you hide in the boot of someone's car, babe. Sorry, right. Looking back, it probably is a little bit crazy, but it didn't need to happen if he was a man if he was a man and was honest to me so i will never regret the night of being a little psychotic when we were psycho moment yeah i would have fucking followed him good for you when we were together i was so close to his family and genuinely treated them as i would my own family since the affair they've completely turned on me and asked why he needed to have an affair in the first place as this was my fault and his mother was also surprised to see that i was

still crying after six weeks and told me to get up and get on with it to hell even though i even though i was because i had no other choice than to get on with it for my daughter the lies that he and his family have made up to justify his actions are disgusting they have said i physically abused him and controlled him in various different ways they accepted this girl into their lives within a couple of months and have shown no care for how i'm feeling i live in a very small town and i'm struggling with the lies that have been told about me and what other people may think or believe i've isolated myself completely as i'm afraid to even bring my daughter for a walk because the few times i did, I've seen the other girl and I ended up having a panic attack in the street. My daughter is now 10 months old and I'm still suffering from severe anxiety and depression.

I feel like I still can't get the situation out of my head and I'm replaying everything in my mind constantly. I hold so much anger and resentment that because of his selfish choices, I have to lose time with my daughter. The thought of time away from her makes my anxiety go through the roof especially when I don't know where she will be or what he will be doing with her. I constantly worry that when she is older she will love him more than me and want to live with him because he will be the fun parent. Literally what we were saying. I know I'm thinking way too far ahead but I just don't know how to stop these thoughts. I also struggle with the thought of the girl who broke up my family being around my daughter, and I know there's nothing I can do to stop this, as childish and petty as this may sound.

I just don't want my daughter around such a deceitful person with clearly no morals. I really do admire both of you so much for your strength and how well you are coping with your experiences. I can only hope that one day I can be as strong and positive as you are. If you have any advice on how I can move forward from this I would really appreciate it. I'm so so lucky to have amazing friends and family but I've gotten to the stage that I feel they're bored of me talking about how sad I feel so I'm trying to put on a fake smile every day and it's exhausting. I don't think you can truly understand how traumatic this is until you've been in the situation yourself,

so it'd be nice to hear from someone who I can relate to. Hoping that one day I can find my smile again like you guys have. Your kids are so, so lucky to have you. Oh, God. Fucking hell, what an absolute arse. I think you could take this once. Have a little moment. I mean, I completely appreciate the thought of being apart from a child that's 10 months old or younger because he left at such a young age.

He just deserves so much better. Everything you've said about this man just makes him sound like the most evil, nasty. And also the fact that you're worried about your daughter being around this woman. The thing is you need to take that advice that we've given before about a day at a time because at the end of the day it's going to be a very long time before she even is able to

form an opinion of her and the likelihood is she probably won't even fucking be around if i'm being completely honest so try your best not to drive yourself mad thinking about things that haven't happened yet you've got to keep reminding yourself like a day at a time if that's too much then an hour at a time because you know i could sit here and think oh my god my my ex is gonna find a woman and what what if my daughter ends up enjoying being around her more than me but like just got to be confident that like first of all you're you're her mom like nothing will ever take yeah you've raised her you've brought you're bringing her up like she will learn morals and everything from you i just yeah try your best not to kind of like consume your mind with things that haven't happened yet that would be my first piece of advice if you haven't already I'd strongly strongly recommend seeking a therapist because don't ever feel ashamed of

feeling like you need that help and especially if you feel like you're burdening people with like talking about it like you should be able to talk about it and you should feel safe to talk about it and you should feel like you can yeah and I'm sure your friends are not bored of clay don't fake the smile that breaks my heart thinking that you don't feel like that you can be honest like at the end of the day if these people feel like you're being a burden and they're not your friends um it's a really traumatic experience you've been through and i feel like it's a process and you need to start that process and i think the starting point is finding some sort of therapy kind of journaling yeah and things down like just accepting every single emotion you're feeling and

knowing like it's valid also it's not your fault it's not your fault like all the gaslighting that you had that that's his issue that's his problem and you've almost got to feel sorry for the girl that he's with because she's now going to be stuck with that. Like, my heart goes out to you and really brave emailing us. We're glad that we can help in any way and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But you've got your daughter, she's got you and you're going to be fine, just the two of you.

So sending lots of love. Shall we end the episode with a affirmation of the week what are we thinking okay so today's affirmation is i deserve to be happy and treated with respect yes amen i think that goes for all aspects of our life i think in co-parenting relationships in the relationship you're in even in friendship you generally like i deserve to be happy and treated with respect so i'm right say it believe it and i think there's anything left yes absolutely thank you so much for listening watching as always make sure you follow follow share yeah leave a review only good ones please and um yeah we hope to see you next

week thank you so much bye