Not As We Planned - 18. Reasons to Stay or Leave

Episode Date: November 9, 2023

We talk about what we believe to be the key reasons to leaving or staying in a relationship. Of course no relationship is perfect but we feel like these topics we touch on our important foundations for successful relationships. We also share our experiences along the way as well as some of your emails. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood. Not as we planned.

So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys. Welcome back. So first of all, I think we both just need to say a massive congratulations to you and you for hitting 100,000 followers on our Instagram. It was a day of each other. Which is so weird, isn't it?

So yeah, we've been kind of on a high about that. It just like went a bit crazy out of nowhere. I think one of our reels we did together went a bit viral. So I'll follow you more of those then. Yeah. So yeah, massive, massive thank you. So we'll do a little catch up on our weekend, really. Yeah.

I mean, I didn't do very much. I went shopping and I got something I feel like you're going to appreciate. Are you ready? I've got it with me. Go. Oh, God. What is this? What is this? What is this? So basically, I saw it in H&M in the Halloween section.

And I just thought it's giving like divorce party vibe. I'm here for it. Are you loving it? I hope I'm coming to this party. Obviously, like not divorced yet. But I just feel like it's stunning. It is stunning. Do you want to borrow it?

Well, hell yeah. So yeah, divorce party, not yet. Should I wear it for the episode? You can wear it for the episode. Do you want all your teases in there? Okay, maybe I might. I feel wearing it. This needs adjusting.

Perfect. It's nice, isn't it? So that's my news. This is what I did this weekend. I've had quite different weekends by the sound of it. I've had a mental weekend. So yeah, I hit 100K followers on Friday morning. And then it's sort of secret I am seeing someone.

And then he messaged me that morning saying, pack your nicest dress. And then I got to his house on Friday afternoon and I was like went to go and like start doing my hair so I started walking like to his room to get ready he was like no he was like we're going straight in the car I was like what do you mean we're going in the car he's like yeah grab your overnight bag we're going in the car and then he drove us to this really beautiful hotel and he was like we're staying here for the night we've got dinner booked and it was so cute walked into the room he had like a hundred balloons out for me and we went and watched the sunset I feel so cheesy saying stuff like this because

this has never been my life this has never been my this would never have happened some people are going to be listening no I'm really sorry I am that person and you know what I'm really sorry. I am that person. And do you know what? I'm going to own it. Yeah, I am. I'm so happy. We went and watched the sunset. We got dressed up and we had the most romantic and amazing dinner. And like, I just had the best weekend. And then yesterday I had Milo's second birthday party. So it was like another kind of moment. I feel like I've done both the kids parties

now this time my ex didn't come um purely because it was more just like a small family and friend get together i just didn't feel like it was necessary and you know like as they get older maybe they do things in halls and it's bigger than fine but i just didn't feel like it was necessary um it was it was quite a hard one like doing it all on my own and did all the food like I wanted to try and keep the costs and stuff down so I did like all the food on my own normally I'd get someone to do that like balloons I didn't go mad with I just got like a small balloon thing um I did work with one amazing company who offered to do all the Bounce Castle stuff, which was like a saving grace. But yeah, it was a really nice day.

It was just quite difficult. I think days like that are always difficult. Bittersweet, isn't it? Yeah. I don't know. It's something else. I know it's veering off topic of what we're talking about today, but just I know it's something I off topic of what we're talking about today but just I know it's something I voice noted you over the weekend is I'm approaching my second birthday it's on Wednesday so it's two days after we're recording this and I just got really upset the other day like just

thinking like my baby's not even two and all of this stuff has happened yeah like it does hit you it hits you and i felt really angry like how dare my family be ripped apart or like how dare obviously things have happened in my marriage like i just felt really angry about them all like you know like it's because he's still really young he's like so young and i feel like he's been deprived of like i don't know like obviously he knows no different and and to some degree it's probably easier dealing with it when they are younger but in my head i still feel like he's missed i can't explain it but i get it i think whatever i'm feeling is very valid and yeah it's just i've been feeling really angry the last few days and like like how dare someone do this to my family and yeah yeah so that's kind of then a real a mixed emotion weekend really

highs and lows got a ride up I think I might take this off now I'm feeling a bit of a prayer but I feel like when we're divorced we can wear this on an episode. So goodbye, Vex party spam pin. Yeah, absolutely. So we thought that today we kind of delve in a bit more with the whole leave and stay situation. We've been doing kind of like leave and stay segments and a lot of them are maybe kind of like very black and white. Like something really big happens, you know, like, oh my God, leave.

And then it's like another thing where it's not that big of a deal, stay. So we kind of wanted to go into that a bit more and maybe give more reasons for like here are the reasons why you should be leaving here are the reasons why you should be staying again it's not going to be as simple as oh well like I've got all those reasons so I'm going to leave or I've got all those reasons so I'm going to stay but we thought that it would be kind of a good thing to discuss today yeah I feel like I don't know like leaving just means like there's possibility there's possibility in happiness there's possibility I don't know like a new future ahead whereas I feel like staying particularly if something's been painful

but that pain is always going to be there it's no matter what you do I genuinely feel like that pain will always be there um whereas obviously leaving is painful and it does cause hurt and it is hard I feel like that that's temporary I also feel like from that, you grow and you learn. And it is that possibility, isn't it? It's that possibility of hope. And I know it's something we've certainly like starting to experience, like, wow, what that possibility could be. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like that's very much it, isn't it? It's like, it's painful staying, it's painful leaving. But at least if you leave yeah you have that hope saying nothing changes really yeah absolutely so let's maybe delve into kind of like reasons for leaving first so i would say like the first main reason for leaving is if you are consistently unhappy i've said before that if 80% of the time you are not happy, that is your reason to be leaving. You know, I'm not saying, you know, couples go through stages,

especially maybe when you've got children and things are very new and you're sleep deprived. Like no marriage is constantly good and happy. You might be going through something like why financial situations change there's going to be ups and downs and it's not to be confused and i think when we talk about being consistently unhappy i think we need to think about it being a prolonged period of time and not just like a few weeks yeah or like yeah a couple of months but yeah because that does happen in our lives like you know there's things like i don't know like um

mourning the loss of someone or yeah you're gonna go through things it's really i think it's really important to understand that's like a prolonged feeling and those feelings are to do with the relationship rather than other external factors yeah like you just said like if one of you's been made redundant and you don't have a job for six months that stress financially can have such an impact on your day-to-day and your relationship the second being where there's no emotional connection anymore I feel like that's massive I feel like being on a different level in general emotionally I I think is quite a struggle anyway. But when you lose that connection.

Yeah. Is that what's kind of like holding you together? Yeah. Or even like, so I think that's a point I really relate to. But actually it's only really after my marriage broke down that I realized, do you know what? It's not. I did. And I remember feeling like like i feel really bad saying

it but like i remember quite a lot of times thinking like i don't know i'm not in love anymore like i don't love this person and i don't love the person they are now um it is really if i wish in hindsight i knew the things i knew now because again like I would never have left but these are such valid reasons that is a big reason and that is like a strong enough reason to leave I think it's sometimes like we've mentioned before very difficult to see these things when you're in air and it's not actually until you have that clearer head that you can look back and be like I actually don't know what happened I was I'm I was very aware that I I wasn't in love but I just felt like maybe this is married life and maybe this happens to people and it's this is as good as it gets and this is my life and I didn't really challenge those boundaries on it I just accepted it and rode it and i think i don't

know it sounds really sad but like when you get married and you go through things like that you drop the idea of this fairy tale and you drop this idea of like a relationship being about being in love and actually i i think it's really important that you do continuously love the person you are spending your life with. They should be your best friend. And that emotional connection is the most important thing. It's funny. I think there's a really fine line between accepting that marriage isn't always perfect and it can be difficult. isn't always perfect and it's quite it can be difficult and then actually realizing that you're not truly in love and content because I think sometimes that feeling of I love them but maybe

I'm not in love with them can maybe be mistaken for marriage isn't always great and happy and sometimes hard but there is a difference and I think marriage can be hard and difficult but you should still be like oh but I fucking love them and want to rip their clothes off and and I and I that yeah so I feel like I maybe misunderstood those two different things misunderstood the assignment you know how they do um which i've never actually really actually also like thinking about what you've just said it's like the whole i want to rip their clothes off and i don't know just i don't know if when i got into my relationship that I didn't appreciate.

I didn't have everything there that I would want now. I'm older. And that's a massive difference, isn't it? Because I do remember having that feeling when I was younger, when I was 17 and you had no responsibilities. But then I think that as you get older and those responsibilities come into the relationship I think they really overtake a lot of other things not realizing you need to still keep those things in a relationship sometimes I think

that is much easier to make less mistakes in a second marriage because you see exactly what didn't work for both of you what mistakes you made what mistakes they made and you're more conscious of making sure that they don't get repeated I'm not sitting here saying if you're listening to this and you're in your first marriage scrap that one and go to the second. Because there are amazing successful relationships, but I feel so strongly now about what is important and what I will make sure. But I guess like on the flip side of that, some people are in relationships

where the communication is good in their first marriage. You know, for us, that just wasn't a thing. And yeah, you know, people are are different and like I'm sitting here now and I'm genuinely sounds a bit messed up but I'm grateful for what I've gone through because it oh 100% I genuinely believe the rest of my life is going to be so much happier and more fulfilled and like I'm saying this weekend like I just feel like I'm finding myself again and I feel like a little bit of my fire has been reignited and I've got this new excitement for life that I actually haven't had for years I was just coast lodging yeah you were just I was just existing yeah and I'd given

up on myself being important and the things I love being important. And actually, what I've really learned the last few months is it's really important to live your life in the most fulfilled way. Yeah. I'm not compromised on that again. Yeah, no way. But like we've always said, I think every relationship is there to teach you something. teach you something so you know anyone listening to this that may be about to go through a breakup or in that you know really hard part of that breakup don't have those regrets because those relationships are the bad things that have maybe happened to you however hard they are they will teach you something for things moving forward and I think they're necessary I agree so

the third one I would say is having different core values. Like that is an absolute, like really, it baffles me how I was able to last for so long in a relationship when we had different values. But do you think your values change when you become parents? I think anyway, when you have kids to some extent. But that's one thing I really notice in my relationship is our values were here and here yeah and I guess actually you know my relationship started at the age of 15 I didn't know what my values of like you know financial values and money and stuff like that I didn't have any money when I was 15 do you know what I mean so you know you're

not it's like anything like when you're in a relationship you grow together or you grow apart and I think that comes down to your core values you know what are your values on family on life in general oh some important things yeah so they need to be the same as your partner and if they're not sadly in the last possible way i think that's going to cause an issue for a longevity of a relationship those issues if you're i don't know for example if someone in your relationship is very family orientated and the other person would rather go and do something like work out or something for themselves and those things come

to a head it doesn't work or it's or you know some people may be sitting there being like but what are values what do you mean by values it may be that someone's really into kind of like looking after themselves and being healthy and then the other one just literally wants to sit on the sofa and do sweet fa and like then you don't have i'm not saying that you need like the same hobbies you know you can have one person that's like really into football and someone's like i literally couldn't give a shit about football i don't want to watch it that's okay it's more having the set like i don't know how to explain it lifestyle choices to a degree not like i don't know

actually my my biggest core value is communication i now need to be with someone that understands communication is important and they need to be able to communicate yeah my ex didn't know how to communicate there in itself we didn't have the same value about communication so i think it's values generally is what you feel like is important to you what's the most important things in your life like a big one for me is family yeah i think is orientated around like that will always be a priority over everything and i think yeah those value i think and if you're sitting there thinking oh i'm not really sure like if our values match up list them out write

down what's important to you like Like, what is important to you? And do you feel like your partner is matching that in terms of their core values? I think it's quite a big one. I don't want people to mistake values with hobbies. No, no. Because it's good to have different hobbies. I mean, for example, my boyfriend is really, really into cricket.

He keeps trying to get me into cricket I'm never going to be into cricket but I love that he loves cricket and I'd never take that away from him I think there's something really nice about having different hobbies and being okay with it it doesn't need to be the same things that the other person's interested yeah it's a nice discussion yeah like I'd never take that that. I love that he loves it because that makes him who he is. But I'll never be going and playing cricket. Are you sure he actually doesn't want me to?

Because I'd be shit. But yeah. I got to go somewhere for hours. Oh, it's like seven hours. You know, like, I didn't even know that. I got to do a bit of 20-20 or quick cricket. So it's like,

Oh, how did you? Oh, yeah, fair. Sorry for those of you who like them. Well, really impressive. Cricket podcast. Oh, my gosh. Then he'd listen. Yeah, then he'd listen.

I think I convinced myself for a very long time that because in my head, I feel like you should never trust anyone 100%. The lack of trust I had in him was like acceptable and it would be okay but it made me insecure and paranoid and that in itself just isn't a good relationship like you you can't be with someone that you don't trust in my eyes and that was how my relationship ended was there was a massive lack of trust and you knew that a breach of trust yeah and like that for me but that was enough and and you know for some people that will be like the point where they're like done yeah and it was for me and I know it's not always as simple as that but with the lack of trust comes I think a lack of respect and then it just builds up so many other issues in your relationship and I think

every single solid relationship is built off a trust between two people and that has to exist it just doesn't work yeah okay number five you feel negatively judged or unappreciated you know I felt like every time I needed to confront a situation or give my opinion about something, I was almost worried how it would impact our relationship because I very much felt like I was always to blame. I mean, I guess in a way that is gaslighting. I feel like in your relationship, it should feel like a safe place to not feel like anything you do is negatively judged I think that's a really big red flag in a relationship yeah and things like I don't know not being supported in terms of like your achievements or even like things like and probably a lot of mums listen to this will get this,

and I'm not saying it's the same for everyone, but on the whole, I think mums probably do more of the load. We've spoken before about being the default parent, and that's fine. I've never had a problem with being the one to do it. Sometimes it is that appreciation. I felt like what I did was never appreciated. It was taken for granted completely but like there'd be comments made like why hasn't this been done and I don't know well I'm coming home I'm like that's absolutely not okay like when if you're constantly like I know like me as a person

I am I don't do things by halves like if I do things I'm doing them properly and if I've not done something there's a very good reason something's not been done properly I don't know I just I think as well with like under appreciation comes like links in with like not being made to feel beautiful and not being made to feel attractive and lovable or all those things we've spoken about before and I think look like when you're in a longer relationship with people I'm sure you it's not as often as you're told like in the beginning of a relationship but I would still like to think that in a really positive relationship you're told like in the beginning of a relationship but I would still like to think that in a really positive relationship you're with someone who will tell you you're beautiful or

you're amazing or you're clever or you're smart or you're funny whatever it is and I think when those things disappear as well that's also a big contributing factor yeah I think you're certain yeah it's even just this with things like you just said like if you've had a really hard day with the kids and if your partner walks in and is like why is the house a mess or where's my dinner not for me it's the underappreciation yeah because like that's it like we do not stop i i stress myself out and now being on my own even i feel like i'm like under appreciating myself like we're sat here in my house the other half of my house you can't see it's a bombsite because last night it was the end it is and i haven't you tried it up for me no i will not

i've got no one to answer for i'm exhausted i don't need to do it and she felt quite nice knowing i it was only you coming and i don't feel like you're the kind of person to judge me you get it i'm judging but do you know what i mean i have i didn't make one comment literally to me like this is home this is kids this is happy and yeah i just let it go embracing it because last night i was getting myself in a bit of a stress yeah and i was like i don't need to add to my message you're being like don't hide it in my account still in a marriage well i probably would have had to stay cleaning it all anyway but yeah okay number six you consistently fantasize about the idea of another relationship i wouldn't say i necessarily

did this but i think it was more not fantasizing about another relationship but maybe wishing certain things were done that never would have happened in my relationship do you know what I mean like even little things like reaching certain milestones in work and being like oh I wish like maybe they even just like put me flower just you know like little things. But don't get me wrong. I also don't want people mistaking like anything we're saying.

Like no marriage is perfect. There's going to be little things. There's going to be things you can work upon. But there's also going to be snippets in good marriages that people are going to be like, I always like wish that he did this or wish he did that. That is also just relationships in general. But I'm talking

like as a i think a lot of this is we're talking about like a lot of these points we're not saying like just one of these points oh my god yeah we're talking about this is a lot of significant things i think both tash and i can relate to several of them at the moment i can relate to all yeah i mean we've been able to speak about every single point. So yeah, that's what I mean. It is like, it's not just one. Don't listen to this thinking all this, this. I think it's a combination of them all is definitely a sign to leave.

Yeah. And I also just think that generally with everything we say, we've always very much made it very clear. We're not professionals. We're not sitting here being therapists and we're not here telling anyone what to do. They're our opinion. Yeah. And just kind of voicing that,

how we're taking on these points and through our experience. And we're flensing on these points very much cropping up in our marriage. Yeah. Like, you know, I've been on the phone to friends of mine plenty of times who are in lovely,

happy marriages. And they'll be like, oh, well, I've had an argument with my husband because he did this this and this and he didn't do that and he should have so and this is like the point I'm talking about like fantasizing about other that's not fantasizing about other relationships that's wanting your husband to have done something that he didn't and to be honest if anyone is with someone they are going to have experienced that where it's like he didn't do this why hasn't he didn't take the bins out why didn't he I wish I was with someone that took the bins out like

it's all very normal I mean this point is very much like yeah I wouldn't say I fantasized about um like another relationship I did I did often think I think it's craving attention that I didn't get. I will say the last year I did, I think where certain thoughts were going around in my head about, it's really bad. But like, I don't know, I didn't feel very loved in the last year of my relationship. I didn't feel very loved in the last year of my relationship. And I did get thoughts in my head like, I think I could do this as a single mum. Like genuinely, I don't know, I'd go around my day-to-day life being like, would it be that much different?

So you didn't fantasise about other relationships? You fantasised about being on your own? I fantasised about doing it on my own. I didn't think past ever being with someone else i think in my head i was i was quite miserable in my relationship i was in i'm fantasizing that life without him it sounds so awful to say but it's not i remember like doing things and that's when i started like i don't know being a bit braver with going out and do like things like I took the kids out to zoos and stuff on my own when I was still married like I do some quite big days out on my own and

it never bothered me and I don't know whether in my head that was me probably though yeah like being like you can do this and yeah I think it's the first time I've actually like said anything like that out loud I don't know if it makes me sound like a bad person no it absolutely doesn't but that is how I felt but that's no different to kind of like you know how we said that although we were in our relationship we felt like we were almost learning to accept being like detacher in them maybe subconsciously that's sort of no different so I think if anything it's good to have done that because look how far you came so quickly probably because of something like that yeah don't you find a lot of the time when we're doing this

podcast I'm so therapeutic and I'm like like even just before how I was saying that fine line between like like yeah like I just came out with that and I'm like oh actually that's a that's kind of first thought okay so number seven your partner is uninterested in resolving any issues that you've got in your relationship I mean I guess that does come down to slight lack of communication like avoiding the communication I do remember a lot of the time and i'm not saying that this was the only problem in our relationship but i think for a woman to maybe not have um their partner kind of like initiate sex and stuff i found that quite triggering and i remember kind

of sitting down and being like we're not really having sex like but that was my way of kind of like trying to like start a conversation and try and like improve or like we're not really having sex like like that was my way of kind of like trying to like start a conversation and try and like improve or like we're not really doing any date nights like it'd be nice if we made more effort and I felt like because he wasn't very good at communicating he didn't say much to it and then nothing really changed and then it wouldn't be until like a month later where I kind of like say it again or even things like I had an issue i'd bring it up and it wasn't until i put my issue on the table it suddenly became apparent that he had certain issues too but had i not brought it up i would have never have known yeah and it's things like that showing that

like no interest in kind of like resolving or initiating trying to improve stuff I feel like is a massive problem being dismissed when you voice a problem or being like I'll work on it or I don't know even things like like whether that person actually wants to take those things on board like I don't person actually wants to take those things on board like I don't I don't know it's this massive for me I think like that is a massive factor in a relationship for me it is the communication and but it's things are always going to crop up in a relationship it's how you resolve them and it's it's feeling like you're in a safe space we able to communicate that and it not become like a massive thing and i think that's down to trust in that person as well like how they're going to react to it because some people probably know like their partner will react in a certain way

so we'd rather just brush it under the carpet and then again like resentment and all other issues build up don't they so i think it's no different to someone saying sorry but then not changing that i'd rather not get the apology and just see the change in the behavior yeah there's no different to having a conversation sitting down and being like i need this this and this to change can you make the effort them saying like yeah absolutely and then if they don't do it yeah i agree then there's no change and there's no point yeah so number eight is that you see signs of repetitive unhealthy behavior or signs of abuse I personally didn't really get well repetitive like unhealthy behavior probably

is like maybe the thing that I would the thing that comes to mind for me with that would maybe be like please can you make sure if you're out that like you do have your phone on you so I know when you're coming home or like can you communicate with me a bit better like your plan and then every time he'd go out I'd get nothing for me that's repetitive behavior that I'm not happy with things like that like I find really triggering and it's not so much me being like a control like some people might maybe like oh you're such like a control freak just like let him do what he wants and go out but the way that I see it I'm I very strongly believe that you should never need to tell someone what to do because everyone's entitled to do what they want etc however I feel like with a

good and perfect partner if you explain to them that something makes you feel uncomfortable or you're not happy with it they should want to make changes to make you feel I agree especially if it's like I don't know some kind of security in your relationship absolutely I don't think there's anything wrong with that and people are going to have different things I think it's respect yeah i think as well you were saying something about abuse i think that could also be some kind of relationship where you're gaslighted a lot as well that is kind of like a mental yeah because it makes you believe like you're the problem and you're like the blame it's Yeah. Or like you're being unreasonable, but similar to like your point for what you're asking

or I don't know for how you're feeling and things like that. So that could, I mean, I think that's quite an important one actually. Yeah. Like kind of not having your feelings validated. Again, I think often people don't realize they're being gaslighting until they're the other side. Yeah. Yeah. I think that when for me, I had that lightbulb moment

and I didn't actually address to him that I was done yet because I was trying to hold out on the holiday, it's like this veil dropped and all of a sudden I was so aware of how I was being treated and I was like, oh, you just turned that around really weird scary though it literally feels like you're taking off a pair of glasses or you're putting on a pair of glasses and you can see everything you're like what's this happening the whole time like am I stupid like and then you cut then you end up going through a list of things in your head

and you're like, you knew. You knew, but you were almost like, I don't know, it is that light bulb. It's something goes in you and you see things so differently and clearly. It is mental. I remember thinking, and I guess that was like my point of like don't get me wrong i've said it before healing's not linear it wasn't like from then

on i was like fine but once i started to see things more clearly and things for what they were i was a bit like no yeah we're not doing this yeah this is not okay and no yeah okay last one is your friends your family and loved ones have concerns about your relationship now i'm not saying that everyone should take into account what, you know, friends and family have to say. But I know for me that I kept a lot to myself because I knew what their opinions would be and their opinions would have been valid. I would also say it's a hard one and it depends on the people you have around you because I would also say that some people probably may feel certain things about some other but not tell you yeah and if you're in a long-term

relationship yeah like none of my friends said anything but I think I was always very aware of probably what they thought yeah I think as well like again sometimes after you come out of relationships you find out some people's true feelings about things and like what their concerns were sometimes you feel like being like could you not have told me this earlier yeah but I so appreciate you know I am no way for it afterwards. Like, I don't want anyone ever feeling like they weren't a good friend to me or I'm going to hold anything against them for them not giving honest opinions. Because who wants to hear honest opinions when these people think that you're staying in a marriage, the father of your children. I would never go up to a friend and be like, by the way, babe, your husband's a bit of a dick. Are you going to leave? No one would do that. But I think it was just very much like I knew I was holding back because I didn't want their opinions because I knew that they'd be right.

That's like a really, really big. So, yeah, I would say that if you've got family and friends who are brave enough to say to you, like, I'm a bit worried and concerned about the way they're treating you, that's definitely a big sign, isn't it? But yeah, when other people start to notice things aren't okay, I think, because I think a lot of people are able to hide things. So if it's really noticeable to people, I feel like that. You know, and things like, there may be comments like when you come out of a relationship, like, I don't know, that you've not been as happy as people would like to see you or they've noticed changing you and things like that. And it's sad in hindsight, but I think, yeah, it's an interesting point, actually.

Okay, so let's turn that around. So obviously, like when we do our situations we do leave or stay there are some situations where we say you know communicate and you don't necessarily need to leave so let's be positive yeah about some reasons to stay yeah okay so i think the first and most important is that there is a mutual respect and like healthy communication so even though like issues crop up in your relationship things that may be hard and difficult conversations to have they're dealt with really respectfully they're heard they're listened to and they're almost like worked on together as that team yeah and i think that also comes down to like what we said before like even if you are a couple that fight every day that's not the problem it's how it's resolved how you repair so and that comes down to the communication and the level of respect between

you as a couple is really as we've always said the most vital thing for a healthy relationship is being on the same page and communicating it not necessarily having the same you know opinions or thoughts but being able to be like you know what I don't really agree with that however I can see where you're coming from this is how it's made me feel blah blah blah blah I like try and do yeah yeah I'll try and do this so that you don't feel that way and yeah that's really important and if you've got that and you're you know things do crop up in your relationship but you're able to resolve them like that I think that's a really positive thing yeah massively okay so I am number two i would say is you share the same core values and you've got like the same long-term goals so i don't know there might be other issues

in your relationship but you know at the heart of it all like your values are absolutely the same you both want the same things you both had that idea I don't know of rowing old together and old school that's all I want I find someone I could be old with and dance in the kitchen with and you know with your walking stick I want I want that yeah I want to be like old and my husband pinch my butt still yeah I think I think those are really positive reasons to stay with someone. And the same timeline for those goals. Otherwise, you do end up growing apart. You know, if you're in a couple and one really wants to move abroad and, you know, do all these things and travel. And the other one wants to just settle in one place, stay in their home country. Then you've got completely different long term goals and that's not going to work. So it's the core values like we've discussed before but also being on the same page yeah moving forward okay number three is you still properly like enjoy that

quality time together so you enjoy each other's company you go out and do fun stuff you still i think it's really important like to still laugh with someone that's like what i really i want someone i can go out and like just have a fun with yeah you get one night you've got to go and have fun i think sometimes you get so wrapped up in kind of like the mundane like he'll go to i know this might be a bit cliche but he goes to work you're at home with the kids then it's the weekends on a saturday you all go out as a family you're not really like present with each other you're kind of just dealing with the kids they go to bed just sitting on your phone like it's really making sure that you have that quality time and do the date nights and when you do the

date nights you're not doing it because you feel like you should but you actually want to so yeah really enjoy that time together as a family and without your children so again like we are relating this back to like a situation where you're considering leaving or staying and i think if you are with someone who you do still enjoy spending time with that's a really positive thing yeah number four i would say is your challenges feel external, mendable and like temporary. So they're only, I don't know, they're things that are going to pass by. They're things that you...

So it's not something that's maybe like completely like ruined your lack of trust. It's not going to linger. Yeah, I guess that's probably something like what we said is someone's lost their job we're going to go through maybe a bit of a time yeah time side like that could be it's temporary it's it's a life challenge or a newborn baby and you're sleep deprived for a few months and it's going to be more like someone's family member might be poorly or whatever it is it's it's an external factor it's something that will

change over time and and yeah you commend it like like we've said we don't want people sitting here thinking that we think that you're constantly in the honeymoon period and everything's lovey-dovey like shit happens challenges arise arguments happen but if they are things like you know disagreements on a holiday like i want to go here no i want to go there that's not oh you've got different core values so off you go you know there's we don't want people to like think listen to all these things and think of it so literal like there are going to be challenges in life. But if you have, you know, the communication, the core values, understanding the respect, that's what you need. Yeah, I agree. So, yeah, that's a good point.

Okay. This one, I would say in my eyes is like a really big thing if you're considering staying or leaving. really big thing if you're considering staying or leaving I think I think when you're in a relationship it has to be both of you willing to put in that work and I think it's really important that people understand relationships don't just happen like you don't always get feelings for someone and you exist and you live happily ever after relationship take they take work so much work but I also think like whilst you're in these relationships it's really important that you feel like you're evolving into the best version of yourself as well and I think spinning that on its head I think if you're with someone where you don't feel like the

best version of yourself is being brought out that's a bit of a red flag I feel like you should be with someone who makes you grow as a person who involves you into like someone you love being and and so if you know you're with someone and they things crop up but you are both so committed to making it work then that is absolutely a reason to stay do you know what I feel like in general when you're in when you know you're in a good relationship it's not finding someone to love and for them to love you and then it's all happily ever after it's finding that person that you're that you're wanting to go through the shit with do you know what i mean like shit's gonna happen hard times happen it's finding that past and that like regardless of what happens like i'm sticking with you you're sticking with me and we're going to help each other through it yeah that's what i

think like a good healthy relationship is so on that note we're not going to do any stale leaves today because i feel like we've given you a lot of reasons to stay and reasons to leave and everyone's just going to take it with you know yeah do some reflection so go into some emails yes let's do it okay hi I've just started listening to your podcast I'm only on episode four so I've got a bit of catching up to do but it's helping me massively in my current situation by the way we love to hear this don't we this is literally why we started this and so yeah just we're really really grateful so basically just after lockdown in 2020 when the gyms reopened my partner said there was a girl that goes to the gym who recently was diagnosed with epilepsy who couldn't drive herself to the gym and said he was going to drive her there.

I mean, sorry, can I be poor for one second? Like, who? Like, random. Surely her partner or her mum or... Nah, see where this is going. Yeah. Given that he would leave for the gym every morning at 5.30am, I thought it was too much to be every single morning and I didn't feel comfortable with it.

Absolutely valid. He said he explained this to her and she understood as she was with it. Absolutely valid. He said he explained this to her and she understood as she was married too. Fast forward a few months, we found out I was pregnant with twins and we were in the process of buying a house together. I started to have my suspicions that he was offering a lift to this girl as he started leaving for the gym even earlier than he would. I questioned him and he got very angry and defensive about it saying it wasn't true. A few weeks later I looked on his messages and noticed he had muted the conversation between him and this girl. The conversation wasn't particularly flirty but it was still inappropriate and raised

red flags for me. Again I questioned him and he denied anything was in it and then started making out I was crazy and was going to ruin our relationship if I carried on. I remember I felt so bad I even bought him a nice t-shirt to say sorry. A couple of months down the line we were in the new house and I'm about six months pregnant. I had uploaded a photo of my story at the gym to which the gym added to their story too. This particular girl then messaged me on Instagram saying she just saw my photo and how good I look for being six months pregnant with twins. I showed my partner and he then went on to say, give her a chance, she's a really nice girl. From then up until the birth of my twins, she kept on speaking to me and over time I started to like her and she would even walk to our house about two miles away to deliver me cakes, etc. she had made.

She was quite intense and i'm not going to lie i did refer to her as crazy i'm not going to say the name just in case crazy to our other friends but she was lovely and i gave her a chance and she even came in the house a few times and had a cup of tea with us fast forward to when i gave birth in march 2021 she was still being crazy and i even delivered and even delivered homemade pancakes to me in hospital with her at the time husband. Once I was home she came over quite frequently and saw the babies once being with her husband too. I started to have a gut feeling something was going on with my partner but I wasn't sure what it was. I didn't suspect the girl anymore but I still looked on his phone.

The conversation was open between him and her and it was obvious they had been sleeping together from the messages this was at about 4am when my partner was downstairs with one of the babies and I was upstairs with the other I confronted him and he didn't deny it I punched him several times in the face and kicked her out the house I then drove to her house at 5am. Let's just say I'm sure she'll make sure she locks her door at night now. I remember feeling numb and like my whole world had fallen apart. Looking at my three-month-old twins and feeling scared

about how I would take care of them on my own. I had a lot of help from my family, but if I'm honest, I didn't want to be around anyone and feel pity anymore. I just needed to not speak to anyone. So I offered my partner to come home and made him sleep in the garage on an airbed for weeks and called him in the house when he was needed. Over time, we ended up back together. Fast forward six months, I then had suspicions again something was going on

and I kept asking him if he was still in contact with her, to which he would make out I was being crazy. One evening, I managed to grab his phone and look on it. Couldn't see anything at first until I looked on recently opened tabs and found a new app called Viber, and his only contact on it was the girl. We then, of course, split up again, but when I realised how financially difficult it would be to leave, we ended up staying together.

We'd been working on our relationship for two years since he cheated and now the kids are getting older things are becoming slightly easier in the sense of leaving however i still find myself drawn to him because i love him but i don't feel like she will ever be the man that i need him to be for me to heal from the trauma he's caused me and also continue to be loyal to me i don't know what to do but it would be easier if i hated him but unfortunately i don't sorry for the long story unfortunately there are more elements to it with regards to his lying but that's the main issue thank you i'm sort of um gutted i'm not gonna lie and i hope this isn't I'm quite a blunt person I think we've all realized this I'm gutted you're still with him because no remorse no care doing it again no change

really by the sounds of it you are waiting to find the strength to leave which I completely resonate with and I really really hope that by the time you come to this episode and you hear that we are reading your email that maybe you've realized it's time for you to leave because you're you're not going to get what you need from that man like he's just trying to find different ways to hide things like he's coming up with a new way of keeping things from you it doesn't sound like there's much respect for you and I think you in turn you know that and like you've said you don't believe he'll be the man you need him to be for you to heal from the trauma he's caused you I know it is so hard to leave but you do get

one life and you may think you're in love with him but do you actually think but what what are you in love with what qualities about him are you actually in love with because in my eyes someone doesn't sound very lovable when they don't respect you and they don't care about you and they're not treating you in the right way i feel like there's a lot of characteristics in a person that become unlovable. And I don't know if it would help, but like make a list of reasons why you do love him. And you might actually see you're holding on to an idea of him or a person he once was or a person he could be rather than the man that's in front of you. Yeah. And I appreciate being a mum of twins, how hard it is. But you deserve to be with someone that, it's all very well that you say that you think you love him,

but by the sounds of it, and I don't want to be a bitch, but he can't love you if he is doing what he is doing no so thank you for sending it in I really hope that you find some sort of strength from listening to this or just inner strength from situations that you're currently experiencing where you realize that you don't need to stay and everything has a way of working out I think you have to have faith in that yeah 100 so we're gonna end this episode with an affirmation of the week so repeat this after me don't let someone who isn't worth your love make you forget how much you were don't let someone who isn't worth your love make you forget how much you were exactly that so guys repeat that believe it and thank you as always so

much for listening we hope you enjoyed it share follow spread bread and don't forget please leave us positive review on apple podcast it really really helps us yeah and we'll catch you guys next week yeah thank you bye