Not As We Planned - 21. Tis the Season

Episode Date: November 30, 2023

We talk about the anxiety surrounding Christmas as a single parent, elf on the shelf and a cheeky surprise Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood. Not as we planned.

So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode. For anyone that's actually watching this rather than listening, you will see that we are very festive. I've got my naughty pillow. We're getting... That's quite good. Yeah, so we are getting in the Christmas spirit, aren't we?

We are getting in the Christmas spirit, aren't we? And today is all about Christmas. I think there's quite a lot of things we want to touch on. But first, guys, we have been sent an advent calendar with a kinky difference. Love Honey sent me and Tash a Love Honey honey advent calendar um i'm not gonna lie i've never had an advent calendar like this i'm normally just a chocolate kind of girl same but i'm i've been converted but we are tash has opened hers already mine as you can see is fully unopened hence fossil using mine and not Tasha's. So we thought we would open it with you

because honestly, like lots of you are obviously going through breakups or even in relationships and you want to add a little bit of spice. Yeah. Yeah, I just thought this was a bit fun and a bit different. So what do we do? Do we start with number one? Yeah. Okay, go on we start with number one?

Yeah. Okay, go on. Open door number one. I'm going to say from experience, this is a great calendar. So number one, guys, we have what I think is a bullet. It's very powerful. I hope you appreciate you're getting live reviews right now as well from Tash we've spoken about these before haven't we do you know what someone posted one of these on my Facebook group

and was like just found this in the field butt plug so guys I believe this is a butt plug it's saying it's purple and shiny and um and otherwise you shove it up your ass and then that's what they say and it's very pretty

and they're good so try it out this is the little magic wand it comes highly recommended by Tash And they're good, so try it out. This is the little magic wand. It comes highly recommended by Tash as well. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. Whether you're on your own or with a partner, it works. Don't be judgmental about the size.

It works wonders. It's very powerful. It's not about size, is it? It's about how you use it. If you can't afford the advent calendar this would probably be a recommendation to get individually individually yep there you go guys the wand do you think anyone has this advent calendar and opens it one day at a time no what's the point i am holding in my hand some anal beads yes and also

the bullet can go in there oh yeah once me and my grandma watching the spin off sorry sorry

sorry can we just take a moment you're holding anal beads once me and my grandma I lived with my grandma for two years did you

I did and we used to have we used to have a lot of fun evidently well we watched this film i can't remember what film it is and they're talking about thunderbeads which are anal beads and i remember my grandma being like what's thunderbeads and i have to be like grandma they're anal beads and when i say we were on the floor like you know that crying moment? You can't breathe.

So anal bees just forever remind me of my grandma. What is number 24, God? Red. This is the womanizer. So it's a purple number. Is it a clit sucker? It's a clit sucker. So it's meant to be incredible for

literal orgasms yeah so yeah highly recommended calendar what an amazing way to start your christmas and spice up your relationship if you've hit a rut or if you're on your own there's a i mean i'm telling you now if i was on your own there's a plenty i mean i'm telling you now if i was on my own this would be the first thing i'd be buying myself for christmas we wanted to talk about christmas didn't we've had so many questions like asking what our setups are how we're feeling i think there's lots of different topics surrounding christmas aren't there yeah have you now had confirmation that you will be having the boys on Christmas? I've got them on Christmas Day.

And then you're on your... I've got them Christmas Eve. I've got them Christmas Day. We haven't worked out the logistics, whether they're going to him on the night of Christmas Day or whether it'll be Boxing Day, but they will be going there for Boxing Day. And then they'll also be spending some more time down there because it is far away. down there because it is far away yeah um the problem is it's his weekend like that weekend um it's his weekend with the kids but it's too much for them to go back and forward yeah so at the moment what we're thinking is that i'll go down there take them out for the day because i'm the problem i don't want to be away from my kids for a week basically i don't want to um so i'm either going to go down there take them out

for a day or potentially go and get a hotel let them come stay with me for the night that'd be cute yeah i just thought it'd be like different i don't want that amount of time away from them i'm not going to do that um and yeah so that's well the finer details need to be sorted out but as it stands this year i've've got them on Christmas Day. Yeah, I've still got anxiety over like Boxing Day. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. As it stands, I think my boyfriend's days are similar. So I may be going to spend Boxing Day with him, which would be really nice.

Yeah. I don't have the kids. I mean, that's perfect. Yeah. That works really really really well i know that a lot of people have messaged us kind of you know asking like how we organize our setup what our setups are going to be for christmas christmas is that time of year i think for any single parent where you kind of dread that am i going to be with my kids am i not if I'm not with my kids what will I do yeah no I feel like it's not just like the anxiety will I have them on Christmas will I not

it's like that this is going to be completely different to anything I've ever experienced that even I'm sat here yeah it's like what halfway through and I've got my Christmas tree up one of my trees up not doing the other one yet and i even got like emotional as we were decorating it because it was very different although to be fair i know i do normally do that tree on my own but it was just like the whole concept of like i was going in the garage and getting everything out like on my own yeah carrying these impossibly heavy boxes and setting it all up and I just felt like a bit I felt really sad not because I miss him or because I want him back or anything like that but I think it's because

it's so different and when you are a single parent I feel like wherever you are in the year if you were to ask a single parent what's one thing you're fearing as a single parent majority of people would say Christmas or birthdays and things like that and i feel like i've done so many of the other milestones now this is like one of the last ones i've got to tick off um i'm not gonna lie i have been dreading it like i have i am absolutely dreading it even the morning just i know it'll be amazing but it's different on your own isn't it it's all on you yeah like obviously I had Christmas last year on my own and I just wanted to make sure that I did little things that were new traditions so I could instead of look you can look at it two ways

like with anything when it comes to divorce and separating you can either dwell and be like oh like I can't believe like I got to do that last year and I'm never gonna have that anymore or you can be like look it's different so let's make new memories so I went and bought all new decorations and I made my tree our new tree rather than i bought this with him and look i know also it is expensive people aren't always in that position to be able to do it but even just trying to think of something new or different that you can do with your babies that you've never done before this year my kids were oh but of course they're older stuff yeah. But I really wanted to help decorate the tree. I'm not going to lie, my anxiety was high because the tree that's up is my pretty tree.

He did such an amazing job. Like he has such a good eye for it. Milo on the other hand was like, destroyer. They both wanted help. And I was like, I've never really had them properly help do a tree before. So that's kind of like become our thing. And it was just a it was a really lovely moment that's nice um i think the thing i'm struggling with the most this year is with theo

being in school it's like prior to all this i could go for the whole of december and go and do christmasy stuff whenever i wanted now obviously I'm limited to weekends yeah I'm finding it hard because he's in school I can't just take him in the way I might do the odd thing if I have to put him out of school one day but at the moment like um I have one weekend in December with the kids one because I've got them the way the weekends fall. Like I've got them on Christmas Day. And like I think Christmas Eve's my weekend. And I think it's okay to feel sad. And I think feeling sad about that is totally valid. Because like that's one thing like I have struggled with. One weekend to fit in like our Christmas plans I feel like before like every year before those weekends leading up to Christmas

for me are all about building up that magic and I feel like kids are only this little for such a short period of time yes age is magic they believe everything and it makes me feel incredibly sad that I won't get that with them I have one weekend with them and I know I'm trying not to obsess over the fact like I'm trying to make that weekend as magically as magical as I possibly can but at the same time there's this horrible thing going around in my head like you have one weekend with your kids in December and I guess a lot of that I feel a lot of resentment towards your ex for taking that that away and I'm trying to step away from feeling angry about that and again trying to focus on what I can do with them but um and just anyone else obviously if you're like me and you only have

your kids really every other weekend I don't even get them for a full weekend like this is what makes me more sad which you know is I literally get them from mid down on the Saturdays not even a full weekend so I'm really going to try and push for that to be a proper full weekend because I need that time with my kids at Christmas it makes me sad thinking about it but um i just think like anyone in the same situation as me please know like if you are feeling sad about it it's valid like i've cried a lot of tears over this and i think that's okay i'm trying to rein it in and focus on how i can make that weekend as magical as possible. I think that's it, isn't it? Like I said before, like, yes, you can be upset. Yes, like you're going to be upset,

but you've got to just work with what you can. So it's making sure that that one weekend is going to be amazing. Like, you know, it's going to be amazing because that's sadly all you've got. So you work with what you've got. Like, it's like when we speak to people and they're like i just don't know how i'm gonna do christmas without my kids like that there's no easy way around it like if you don't get to be with your kids on christmas day there's nothing

anyone can say to make you feel better it is shit but all you can do is do what you can with them when you've got them like if that means on christmas day you're going to be really sad and be upset and crying sadly at least they don't see that and it's like what we've said before just take that day hour by hour and in your head you know you know it's going to be a hard day like i'm dreading the day where that is my reality and i don't have my kids on christ Christmas I don't know how I will physically cope with that because that is a really big thing um it's I think the big thing for me is like just mourning how different Christmas is but trying to just bring the magic like this year

we're doing the other tree I'm gonna make it all about the kids I want to do like a fun elf grinchy tree like really go out there I want to make my house like a magic Christmas I want it to look like Christmas has been thrown up in my house you know what I mean yeah I feel like it does make you appreciate that time more with the kids I'm really feeling that at the moment I feel like I does make you appreciate that time more with the kids. I'm really feeling that at the moment. I feel like, I don't know, it's been a substantial period of time now for us. I feel like we are very much in our groove.

I don't know, like the kids, they're amazing at the moment. Like we've been doing a starter and they've been helping out so much more. And like Theo said something to me, he goes, Mummy, we're a team and that's really what we are we've really come into our own as a little team and I think when you kind of all pull together and I don't know I just feel like I'm very appreciative of the time we are all together at the moment and that's what I think you need to concentrate on that's exactly it um I think like like you said it's very valid to feel upset and to mourn what Christmas used to be like but I made a conscious effort because last Christmas was my first Christmas on my own and you can go two ways about it you can either sit there and be really sad or you can choose to

make new memories so I made sure that I went out and bought all new decorations and the tree that I did with the kids was our new tree like everything was new and I know it's quite expensive to go and buy like all new decorations so if you can't do that then just try and think of like little new traditions that you've never done before. You can make decorations with your kids. I've seen loads of stuff come up on my Instagram, like modelling clay, and then you can paint it together. It could literally be anything. It could even be decorating Christmas cookies or new traditions on Christmas Eve.

Like you find a movie that the kids have never watched and that becomes your Christmas Eve movie. Do or do you know what i mean just something to make it become more about you and your kids like it is like you've said i think when you become a single parent one of the hardest parts of it is probably christmas because it is the most family orientated day but i think we also need to remind ourselves it's one day i know i agree when your kids are young they don't know which day is christmas so anyone listening that is not with their kids on the 25th of december you make the 23rd or the 27th or whatever a day it is that is your christmas day like change the fucking day at home like who cares if the kids are under the age of like i don't know eight or probably even ten like christmas can be on a different day and i think that's it i think and look christmas is all about the kids

and i think whilst it might be a day that we're going to struggle with, the kids are just going to be happy no matter what. Like they are because Christmas is magic. And hopefully the people they're spending it with make it magic and have them at the forefront of that. Like that's the big thing for me. I want it to be, I want them to only have like these incredible magical memories of it. And it's obviously scary when you feel like you're not the one in control of doing that you know I think something else I want to touch on especially for single parents that probably feel like a financial burden as Christmas is like dawning on us I feel like we put so much pressure on ourselves to get our kids like the biggest best toy or have so many

things to open your kids won't necessarily remember how many presents they got how big they were or know how much you spent on them it is about making it magical about the little footprints that you leave that Santa came into their house and you, try and remember maybe what it was like for you when you were younger, because without social media, there was less pressure financially. And I just feel like you can go to these really good shops that do presents that are, you know, I went into B&M the other day and they just have like a section and all the toys are like literally five pound and under it's like little christmassy like painting things that the kids can just paint like my kids love doing that and it was four pound like you don't have to put such pressure

on yourself to go and buy a toy that's 80 quid that your kids would play with for like three months and then break it i think as well, we think our kids want all these toys, but really what they want is us. They want us and our attention and those memories and that special time with you is what I look back at my childhood. It's my Christmas memories are us taking our pillowcases that were filled with presents into my mum and dad's bed and sitting on the bed in an opening. I couldn't for the life of you tell you what any one of those

presents were but I remember going into my mum and dad's room. I remember opening my tin-foiled satsuma which was just like a tradition. My parents used to wrap up a satsuma in tinfoil and we used to get one of those what's it called selection boxes and those are my memories of it I could not tell you what I got and those are my magic memories and I think we need to sometimes step back and realize it's not about what's under the tree it's about that quality time they are spending with you yeah definitely like I give my kids chocolate milk before on christmas eve before bed they literally think that is like the best thing ever like you just gotta remember what kids actually do really appreciate you could wrap just loads

of stuff around the house probably especially like babies i don't put pressure on yourself for kids under two. I haven't got a clue. Last year, my first Christmas on my own, I took a load of presents from the loft that used to be Blake and Ivy's old toys and I wrapped them for Rome. And all he did was play with the wrapping paper. Of course. So, you know, just be kind to yourself. And yeah, sometimes it's a hard time time but try and make it as you know

as best as you can you've just got to work with what you've got we wanted to actually talk about someone that i feel like a lot of you probably dislike he's really annoying then you might feel like the pressure to do it yeah he's annoying you don't really like him being in your house and you regret ever and you regret ever introducing him to the kids but once you've introduced him you're pretty much screwed for at least 10 years and that is the famous mr elf on the shelf um i wish i never introduced him i going to lie. There have been so many days where I'd go downstairs by like, I don't know, the, how long, when's he come? On the 1st of December?

Oh my God. We'd get to like the 16th and they'll come downstairs and be like, what's he done? And I'm like, fuck. And I'm literally like, be like, oh my God, guys, look over there. Distract them. Grab him from like the place that he was at the night before. And just throw him, lob him somewhere. And I'd be like, oh my God, guys, look over there. Distract them, grab him from the place that he was at the night before and just throw him, lob him somewhere.

And I'd be like, oh my God, guys, look, he's fallen on the floor. And they'd be like, ah, ha, ha, ha. So if you want to follow me for good elf on the shelf tips, I'm not the account to do it. I'm the account that makes you happy that your elf on the shelf is shit. However, I saw you came up with a different idea which i think i might have to incorporate into my house last year we were having a little bit of trouble with like just i think theo was struggling with being a big brother and

milo was at an age where he was becoming a bit irritable you know getting on his nerves and stuff and i don't know i don't really love the idea of elves being naughty i don't know i just feel like some kids would be like well the elf did this so i'm gonna do this really understand don't we get the concept of like trying to encourage i understand that i think sometimes we can think too deeply into stuff and i don't think we should take the fun away from Christmas or and being a kid but I just felt like it was a time that I could actually turn it into something positive so we did the kindness elf he was called Eddie and he arrived in exactly the same way as

any elf did and the things I set him up doing were things to encourage acts of kindness so I am going to share some of this I'm going to make some reels for you guys because literally i've had so many requests can you do this before december i keep promising i will next week i'm going to film content i'm going to set up the elf doing different things for you and i'll get that out because i know loads of you want to do it um but for example when he arrived i had this set up and i think it was like bars woody and all the aliens they were like stood around and like the elf had landed in this and I think it was like Buzz, Woody and all the aliens. They were like stood around and like the elf had landed in this basket. And it was like a letter to say that every day in December in this basket, you're going to fill it with food from our cupboard to take to a food bank

because there's children who don't have food. And so his first day he had to go and choose an item of food from our cupboard and put it in the basket. So every day, as well as the elf coming, he would have to put in an item of food from the cupboards. And then we took that to the food bank just before Christmas, which is a really nice thing to do. It made me feel good as well as like doing something for the kids. It made sure I was actively doing something for people who are less fortunate than us at this time of year. But it just helped encourage his behavior and i think the thing we forget is that's not boring to kids like they

were still in different funny setups every morning and theo would look forward to coming down and being like where's eddie today like what's he doing like so for example um he was on the floor cleaning up a mess it was like today you're going to help your mummy clean up and it was literally like there was um one where there was a bouquet of flowers and it was like you can give this bouquet of flowers to someone of your choice to make them smile so he chose to give it to his nursery teacher just like lots of little acts of kindness um you know even things like there was one where it was saying nice things about yourself when you look in the mirror or to someone else. I just think when you've got things that they're actively doing every day, I noticed a difference in Theo over that period of time.

And I just think it's a really positive way to do it. Like everyone wants to encourage their child to have good manners and to be thoughtful and think about others and I just think like if you can utilize the elf in a really positive way so yeah this isn't to take away and be like anyone who does see the naughty elf like what are you doing no because I'm even trying to think right now of certain ones that I did that my kids loved last year that I could maybe change and turn into a positive. So I once did like a load of shoes, like a train. And then I've got two elves and this year I've got three. Don't ask me why.

Because I've got three kids and they all need an elf. And they were all sitting in the shoes each and they just thought it was hilarious. But if all I'd need to do is add a note and be like, we'd be so happy if you put your shoes away when you come in. We did one with shoes as well like that last year and it was donate an old pair of shoes that no longer fit you to a charity shop. Yeah. So it's really easy to do.

So yeah, make sure you're following me. I'd like to see if you're listening and do follow me but um i will share that for you guys because it's i just think it's a really nice positive thing to do in december yeah i love that i think that also touching on like christmas and for those listening that aren't going through that kind of like co-parenting relationship and they're not concerned about not being with their kids but just generally I think Christmas also comes like the family politics and you know whose parents are we going to and then if you've got parents and then you need to see your husband's parents and my parents and then my brother and my sister and I think sometimes you get so stressed about who needs to be where for

Christmas day and then where we're going to go on boxing day that I feel like adults have become like resentful dread Christmas I know it is about the kids but then you've got to get like all that I feel like you have to make everyone happy yeah and I think that I think and I know it's easy for me to say because I'm not yet a mother-in-law, but I feel like when you're a child, your parents are your family. grows up and gets married and has kids that is their new family your parents are still your family but your family are your kids and your partner so I feel like anyone listening to this that ever feels pressure to do something that they don't want to do remember to put your family first and hope that you and your partner are on the same page because I think it is very normal to have those kind of like arguments of oh well we went to your parents last year so can we go to

my parents this year and it is that horrible dynamic that you kind of then lose the whole meaning of like yeah Chris it's a difficult one I know that it's very easy for me to say don't do what you don't want to do and just stick with your family because sometimes you need to do right by other people just to please other people. Pop to your mum, then you've got to quickly go to your dad and then it's your step pet. Like it is, I feel like adults get like the brunt of Christmas

while you're making it so special for your kids. Yeah. It then becomes quite hard especially if you don't like your in-laws also another thing I think it links in a bit with what Tash was saying around Halloween but like I feel like nowadays on Instagram we do see people doing these really elaborate like door displays of like candy canes and giant baubles. But you do. And I just think we need to just take the pressure off ourselves.

Do what makes you happy. If that's one tree or if it's a few sparkles, like literally just focus on you. Like your kids do not care if they come home and they see like a massive arch outside your front door. Also, I think it's things like Christmas Eve boxes. Don't put too much, don't put pressure on yourself to one even do them if you've never done them you don't need to for those that do do them good for you but i think there are ways of doing it reasonable really easy there's loads of companies that like sell like a certificate and a letter from Santa and a bit of reindeer food. So you don't have to

do it so extravagantly. Remember that what you see on Instagram, and I don't want to sound hypocritical because I will show things that I'm doing, but you've also got to realize is that people like us and other influencers that you see are creating content purely to inspire people that want to do those things it doesn't mean you have to do those things and if you don't do them then you're doing wrong by your child i just say though on the christmas eve box there was a couple of years ago i did it and i didn't even get around to going through it i actually find a december first of december but i saw that and it does make more sense it makes more sense you put the christmas pajamas in like you put a few christmas drawing

books in you're more likely to get through it that your kids are going to get far more use because i find once you get to christmas eve you've literally got christmas boxing day and then really are you really doing christmasy things most of us know maybe a couple of days afterwards i just feel like if you're going to make the most of your money's worth of Christmas bits, I'm going to... I'm not even going to do a formal box, but I'm going to give them some bits on the 1st of December.

To be honest, the things that I put in my Christmas Eve box are not things for them to do. It is literally to show them that they've been good and they'll be getting presents the next day. I don't fill it with loads of toys and this, that and the other. I do pretty much say like,

oh look, you've got a certificate. Something like before, like with a hot chocolate thing. Yeah, so that's hot chocolate. That's what I do. I put a cup, like a Christmassy cup. Probably like, I'll give them, I've got these like cute plates like christmas

plates from the works really cute with like a picture of it yeah i've got on there and so it's things like that that they will be using the day after i really like the idea of like a december box but for me i personally feel like i'm just buying more stuff. For the sake of it. You know what? Buy stuff you can reuse. So I got all the Christmas stuff out to do the tree. I found these cups that I bought last year with Elsa on the top. I found these little Christmas teddies from last year.

They're going straight back in. I don't know. Good person. If you're doing it, don't buy stuff that's going to get used. Buy stuff you can literally pull out every single year. So I'm not actually, I'll probably get them a couple of colouring packs and maybe a new Christmas book. I'm not spending all the time. But you get stuff you can literally use again.

I found it, I was like, you're a genius. Yeah. The works do that pack of books for, I think it's like £10.05 or something like that. They're christmassy shove them in a box read it a few times and put it back in the box for next year yeah yeah so yeah it's just about realizing who puts the pressure on you do so choose not to and just enjoy spending time together whenever it is that you've got your kids yeah i think that's what it's about

another thing i'm finding hard actually as a single parent with christmas coming up i like christmas events and christmas dues and child care yeah because obviously with our split all these things seem to happen in a week and i i have literally I feel like people are going to stop asking me to go to things soon but I've had to say no to every single one because if I'm being completely honest I can't afford to get a babysitter every time it makes the whole thing just insanely expensive by the time you know I've even got there and and that's one thing I feel a bit sad about because don't get me wrong like to me my priority will always be my kids and that will always be the forefront of my decisions you know in my head I'm thinking 60 pounds is a lot of money for me to spend on a baby sister for a

night I'd rather that go towards meeting Santa or whatever it is you know so that's kind of like where my brain's at the moment because I am having to rebudget and look at things because my financial situation is incredibly different now. Yeah. But I'm finding it means I'm having to say no to a lot of things, which makes me sad, especially again, like Instagram and also seeing that other influencers go into all these fun events that I'm meant to be at.

I can't help but feel like jealous and weirded and, you know, look, maybe my situation may be different next year. I don't know. But yeah, I just feel sad that I don't get that like festivity. Like I think there's one thing I'm going to try and go to I'm going to try and work it so the kids are at my mum's and I just go back to my mum's and stay there so they're just yeah um because otherwise I don't get to do any of that yeah and I think it comes that comes back down to kind of like general co-parenting. Again, I might be speaking out of turn for some people, but generally speaking, I feel like the mum does have the children more.

And it is that kind of like feeling that you are very much that main caregiver parent while the dad can kind of do whatever he wants as he wants and then every other weekend he just plays dad for a few nights so it's hard it's just sadly it comes with the package of being the default parent which we've discussed before and that's not the case for everyone like i know dads who do 50 percent of the year and they're making the same sacrifices that we are um but obviously that my situation isn't that and at this time of the year when I know full well like any occasions coming up he's probably going to get to go to all of them without even having to remotely think he's looking after my kids yeah

hi it's me yeah um do you know what it's fun no not funny but like it it swings around about us isn't it because here we are in one breath saying how we don't get to do this we don't get to do that because we're the ones that have to look after the kids and then the minute the kids aren't with us at christmas we want to die i'm i'm sitting here and i think it those things are unfair but would i change my situation of not yeah my kids the amount i have them absolutely not like i'm you just want a bit you just wish you had that opportunity yeah yeah which i get yeah like don't get me wrong my kids will come first over everything yeah every. Every single time. Yeah.

You know, I would never want them to feel like they're a burden to me because they're not and they are absolute priority. But at the same time, it does sometimes feel unfair. Yeah. No, I really do get that. Okay. So, yeah, let's go into a few emails. You've got one? Let's do it hello ladies hello ladies

first of all love your podcast i don't even know if mine is a question or a topic could be both but my partner and i split up 10 months ago the reason was due to the constant bickering and arguments although i feel like justification always feels like you're being naive but all I will say is the hardest thing of trying to learn and cope with moving on is the fact there has been no third party or any sort of abuse or really significant reason to split. Anyway he moved out a week later and the first few months got quite nasty just in terms of the finances and stuff in the house etc etc. Fast forward 10 months on there's still been no other people on both sides. His Facebook status and picture is still of me and as it stands now I have my daughter all week then he has her on the weekend. One of those days on the weekend we

actually spend the day as a family unit. It's now getting to the point where I feel like I can't move forwards but at the same time I'm unsure how long it takes for someone to know whether you want something to try and progress or not. It massively feels like it's having his cake and eating it situation. My question or advice I'm after is do you think there's a time limit where you can where you have to say to yourself fucking hell huh move on or has it got to the point these sharing days out is actually not necessarily healthy and there needs to be better boundaries made. P.S. I have asked him multiple times what's happening and he's like I don't know or nothing has changed for me but ultimately I think I need to draw the line as this setup is having an impact on me so much because it's almost

like a false hope and also the longer it goes on the more normal my daughter thinks this is she's only two i think that's interesting i think i completely understand where you're coming from in fact you've asked him like what's going on and he's saying nothing's changed it does sound like he's having his cake and eating it like fair enough if you were using that time to maybe try and reconnect and re-explore and try and make it work but it sounds like he's kind of having that time away from you I don't know I personally feel like if there's no third party on either side you're both still single there's not like a lack of trust or betrayal i would personally do everything i can to work yeah but what if he's

saying she's saying but how how much have they really communicated yeah do you know what i mean have you tried therapy together have you really tried to find out what the breakdown in your relationship was lane what would happen if you actually just started going on dates again like the fact that it's been that long and neither of you are with anyone i would be worth trying but i think if he's explicitly like not wanting to try and move forwards and he just wants this set up then you do need to put some boundaries in place so i think you need to communicate and you need to be like look like we're either trying to make this work and give it a go or not it's not it can't just be like a middle ground of like coexisting but you're not really communicating

about what's going on you're either trying and working really hard to make it work or you need to step back and you need to set some boundaries because i agree like that time you're spending as as a family if you're not trying to work on it that is confusing and it's also kind of pointless yeah i agree surely that time is to make you stronger um so i definitely think you need to have some honest and frank conversations about i would yeah i would put it's the thing is sometimes people don't really understand what they need to do to make something work without a bit of guidance or help from someone like a professional i would personally kind of almost like lay your cards on the table and say like this is where we're at we've got two options

we can either try and make this work go to therapy and see if there's something that is still there and if that's not what you're wanting to do because both of you need to be on the same page if that is not what you're wanting to do, then something needs to change. Because this isn't a way to kind of like continue. Like it's not going to allow. That happens when one of you does meet someone. Yeah. Or it's probably stopping you guys from meeting someone because you're in limbo.

Yeah. You need to move away from what you're doing. You even need to go all in or you need to step out yeah yeah i agree yeah okay thank you for a weekly podcast i've never found anything more relatable my story is a long one so buckle up me and my partner were together for a couple of years and we broke up when our son was two and a half he's now six our relationship was full of him being untrustworthy he had a massive group of friends who were mainly girls and they would go out as a group and always post videos of them

sat on his lap etc which he never saw as an issue with i found i mean wow i mean the fact that he was like go out with a group of girls i was like what that's strange i found messages on his phone talking to other women and one night i had a feeling he was with another woman. A few weeks before this, our son was in hospital and he was very off, not supportive of me. And when our son was so unwell and I had a feeling something was up. So I hacked his phone and found messages to another woman that had been going on for months. I left him that day and moved back to my mum's. But on that evening, I had a feeling he was with her.

So me, my mum and my sister went out to see that evening I had a feeling he was with her so me my mum and my sister went out to see if we could find him we did with her. Stupidly we got back together not long after love is blind hey. When we moved into our house together and things were looking up until he started to go out on benders not coming home until early hours he developed a big drug problem. I tried to help him in a few times until I realized I had done enough and was putting him before me and our son so I left. Around two months after I found out he was seeing someone that I know and went to school with. I was devastated and completely heartbroken. They moved in together and after eight months she was

pregnant. I had to allow her to be around our son as they were living together and this truly broke me. During their relationship, he often told me he still loved me. Having a child with her is not what he wanted and that he could only imagine having children with me. And at one point we did sleep together. I know, it's stupid. Fast forward to now, I've not managed to meet anyone solid. I was dating someone but it didn't develop and I believe this is because I do deep down still love him. He isn't with her anymore and has both children, ours and theirs, every other weekend. We co-parent really well, he comes to football training every week with our son and we text and talk a lot mainly about our son. our son. My predicament is I want to go away for around a month with our son and he is refusing.

He said it isn't fair on him however I couldn't leave my son for longer than a few days either so I'm stuck. I'm stuck because I can't take him away nor can I go without him and when talking to my ex about this he's saying let's get back together then and I do honestly think he's serious. He always told me he's never stopped loving me etc. However I don't think I could ever trust him again. I also don't think getting back together will solve the problem of going away as he still has his daughter here. Who he couldn't leave for a long time. But I also feel I haven't moved on properly because deep down I do still love him and compare new partners to him. Sorry this is only a drop in the ocean of our relationship

what would you do i feel if we get back together i'd have to accept everything that he has done introducing another woman to our son having another child the cheating in our relationship and the potential drug problem could you forgive wipe it clean and try again then know if it doesn't work you tried i'm a lot stronger now. I've healed. I feel healed. And I know anyone I meet needs to add to my life, not to be my whole life. Sorry for the essay. Thanks for reading. Firstly, does it have to be a month you go away for?

Because that is a long time. Yeah, yeah. Why change that? Because I don't understand that. If I look at it the other way around and my ex was offered to take my kids away for a month I'd be like absolutely not and you're saying you can see it from his point of view so I think I do think that's quite just um yeah I agree but I feel like with everything that's just been read I feel like that's probably the least oh 100% I've just gone to the easiest I feel so

strongly about and look some people be like who are you to give your opinion but she's asked for it so I'm giving it don't go back what are you going back to not only had did he cheat on you but he's had a long enough relationship to have another child like you think you love him you don't love him and the sad part is and I'm sorry to be a bitch but he cannot love you if he has done that to you you deserve to be with someone that respects you which he doesn't do someone that puts you you know above as a priority which he doesn't do someone that you can trust which you cannot do there is no foundation at all to a relationship you can say should I just wipe this wipe the slate clean and start a game but how can you trust him he's cheated on you multiple times he's had a relationship with another woman you deserve so much more than what he is able to

give to you and i think part of it is feeling scared to let go i think it's scary when that person is always known particularly when you have a child with someone look i can't imagine there's many people who don't have that fairy tale on their head when they have a child with someone. No one intentionally wants to be in a situation that's difficult and being not in that solid unit. I think Tash is right I do personally but if if this was my friend who was telling me this I'd be like you deserve so much better look I know there's people who can work through things and can build that trust if it was me I know I couldn't I know it's not just like a one-off incident I feel like there's been numerous things that have broken that trust that have been disrespectful where honestly I just feel like you have been basically bottom of the pecking order sorry to be like up front but you you you've not been a priority I feel like he's made a list of mistakes and I feel like he's almost got this

expectation that you'll always still just be there and when it's... Because at the moment... He can just pick you up when he wants and throw you back out when... What happens when the next girl comes along who, you know, is more exciting and shiner? The thing is, the sad part is,

is he ended up being with someone else and had a kid with her. Meanwhile, cheating on her with you and was disrespectful to her as well. It shows the type of person he is. He obviously will do that with anyone he's with. Don't let that be you. Like, I think that any friend of yours that really has your best interest in heart will tell you that it's time to really close that door, try and move on and work on yourself

to then allow someone good in your life. I agree. And I think what you guys got to realise when you're listening to this is when Tash and I give our advice on these things, we're doing it as if we were talking to a friend. Like, what would we tell our friend if they came to us and said, here's the's the situation yes i know sometimes we get really deep and

passionate about it but we're not qualified to give advice but i think we kind of look at you guys as like a friend who needs a little bit of a friendly advice and that's that's what we'd go for okay guys we're gonna come into our friend of the week. Mm-hmm. Give us one. My other half loads the dishwasher incorrectly. That is pissing me off. I have to say,

I'm probably like the problem in this, but that's one thing I like being on my own is I do it how I want and, you know, as long as it goes in and gets clean. I mean, look, at least he's making effort at least he's loading it but yeah I mean to be fair that would annoy me right okay this is the funny one event of the week I've been putty training my nearly three-year-old now for the last few weeks he's been doing really well. But this morning, he decided that he was old enough to not wear his nappy

in the middle of the night. He has woken up with shit all over his bed. Brilliant. Yeah, that's a fan. Right, should we do an affirmation? Yeah, let's do an affirmation of the week. I feel like it needs to be...

Go on, hit me. Christmas will be magical because I bring the magic. I like that. Yeah, just hide it off. I think that's really cute. Christmas will be magical because I bring the magic. And it doesn't matter when, how many times you have them, you've got time and you bring the magic.

Yeah, love that. Guys, I hope that you enjoyed the episode. I hope it was helpful. And as always, we appreciate every single listen. Share it to your friends. Follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts. Subscribe on YouTube. Watch us on Instagram and TikTok.

The best Christmas present you can give us is to share. Yes. Merry Christmas. Love you all. Love you. Bye.