Not As We Planned - 25. A Fresh New Year

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

This week we talk all about resolutions, lessons learnt and focuses for the year ahead. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash Aventura Business. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine,

and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Not As We Planned. And you might be like, what? They're not together. This is something else, hi. Hi guys and welcome to this week's episode of Not As We've Planned. You might be like, what? They're not together. This is the first time I've recorded Not Together. Just a background situation. I mean, it's really not very exciting, but Tash can't drive her car very fast, so she can't come to me. And then Milo got sent home from nursery yesterday with diarrhea, which wasn't diarrhea. He's just teething, FYI. but he's not allowed in for 40 hours yay yay buggering no child care but guys no child be like our new 2024 set up this is just so we can

yeah just um carrying on being uh dealt the cards for being given this year because thoughts on love 2023. And I think that probably brings us nicely what this week is. So I think the first thing we want to say is Happy New Year to everyone because this is going to be live. Happy New Year. Yeah, this is the first episode of 2024 and feeling a really positive about this year i feel like i feel like a lot of people i've spoken to in general in life my friends and

i don't think 2023 was very good years for many people no i agree i and i don't know about anyone else but i feel like when you get to December and you've had a bad year you're kind of just holding out for a new year there's something about a new year a fresh start a chance to start like a number one and I feel like I know it's really cliche when people like new year new me but honestly like I feel like that going into 2024 like there's so much negativity people other things I want to leave in 2023 and it's really nice to have that opportunity to have a fresh start and just be like, right, these are important to me this year and nothing is getting in my way. Yeah, no, I really appreciate that.

I think also on the flip side, there is that massive pressure of, you know, everyone sharing like their New Year's resolutions and I'm going to be healthy and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to be organic and I'm going to do everything that's really good. And sometimes I think, do you know what? Don't put that pressure on yourself if you're not feeling that way. Like January the 1st is just another day. You're not going to be any different in December than you were in Jan. Just sometimes people like using that as like, right, going to get my acting gear, going to do gonna do this this and this and then you actually find a few weeks down the line people are just falling straight back into that old habit so

I don't want anyone listening to this feeling like oh because I'm not feeling that way this isn't going to be an episode for me I don't want it I don't want it making me feel like crappy I think it's very normal some people really try and use it as like a bit of a push to make some changes and other people are a bit like there's no point because it gets to February and I'm back to doing whatever I was doing before so I don't know I feel like it's I've do you know what previous years I've never been that phase I've done like the last few years i've done my mood like my um vision board and stuff but i've never really been like on it but i don't know if it's just because it's been a tough old year and i've been through stuff that if you would have asked me

this time last year if you would have told me i would have gone through what i'd gone through i'd or I'd be just like, what? Yeah. So I feel like in my head, it's nice to have that fresh start. And I don't know if other people have maybe like had that in terms of, I don't know, marriage breakdowns, relationship ending. It is nice to have that definitive new start. Yes, I know. I really get that.

And the starting of a new chapter like in my head i'm like chapter one my first period what film's that what film's that from chapter one my first period i don't know where that's from but yeah no no wait it's gonna really annoy me i'm gonna have to it's a hit it might be the story that they go to I think Chana's the only one and it's like chapter one my first period sorry about that

that was in my head but yeah so roll my period now I've just finished no I get that I think that when you've had a really bad year you're like just I want to see the end of that year

like get out of my face now I'm in a new year and I can now officially like close that door like bye yeah I mean don't get me wrong yeah

I've had really good parts of this year and obviously like, like, sadly, I am gonna have to go into the new year with some rubbish because I'm still going through divorce. And I'm, I'm not naive enough to think that's going to be an easy process. I feel like I really want to now focus on all the things I have control over and focus on my aspirations, my dreams, as corny as that sounds, and all of the things that are really important to me. And actually, everything I've learned from this year has put all of that in perspective. And just the other stuff going on in my life, I just feel like time is precious. And I'm not going to sit around anymore and be like in a few years time I want to do this in a few years time it's now it's now so sorry I am feeling quite motivated to say I'm probably gonna annoy anyone listening to this but this week I've had like a real I don't know I've done quite a lot of reflecting this week like last night I spent the night trying to create my own little workspace my own little office because that's one thing I really

struggle with is I haven't got a space where I can leave stuff out because I have two kids who will literally take it all and ruin it and so I've created my little space where I can go and work and again like sitting down at the kitchen table to do my work, I'm so distracted by things all the time. Like I'll see, I don't know, dishes in the sink that need washing or this needs doing. And I can't ever focus. I'm finding I'm getting really distracted. So I was like, I'm going to create myself a workspace. And this is going to help me grow my businesses in the capacity that I want to.

So I am feeling really driven at the moment. And I feel really excited about the year ahead um so yeah we just thought we'd have a little bit of a chat in regards to kind of new years thinking we're gonna maybe delve into things that we've learned in the last year yeah I'm down for that i think it's i think it's a good opportunity to kind of like look back and reflect on what you've learned what you're taking from the year the good and the bad i am a believer that you know things that happen that are challenging or hard happen for a reason who make you learn lessons and kind of move forward from them I do think that's definitely happened you know I the way that I am now for example in my co-parenting

relationship with my ex is really where I always wanted it to go you know I'm not saying that I wanted to be divorced and and have my kids in two homes but I think that once I realized that that was my reality I then had this kind of like ideal co-parenting relationship in my head like I want to get to this point and I'm actually there now so yes I can look back and still be sad about like my family unit not being what I would have hoped but now I'm at a point where I'm like you know what actually now the family unit that I've got and he's got and that we also work on together I'm really proud of getting to that point I'm not saying I'm the only reason it's there. Honestly, it does take two.

Like if one parent in the co-parent relationship doesn't want to be on the same level, then you can't do it. But I think that I very much had that control in allowing it to be as good as it is. And I like giving people hope that maybe there are decent co-parenting relationships out there, even if your relationship ends badly. Like, I'm not sitting here saying, like, we just fell out of love and now we're best friends

like no like it was bad like I went through a really really tough time and evidently from episodes a few weeks ago talking about triggers and traumas there are still there are still things that I'm learning about myself that I've really struggled through that relationship but I no longer hold that kind of like resentment and grudge I'm taking responsibility for how I am no one else's fault or blame I'm just really like over that so I would say that for me, the biggest thing that I have taken from the last year is healing myself from heartbreak and being able to still have a really healthy relationship with the person that caused it. I mean, I can only aspire to get to that point i am some people don't want to look i went through a stage where i was like oh i'm gonna be i'm gonna show him that i'm gonna be like really um positive like really friendly and then i was like i don't he don't deserve

that part of me i don't need to give him friendship or my nice side. But I think when you really look at the bigger picture and think about your children, and I always worried with that stereotypical divorced family that the kids are always a bit fucked up, their parents got divorced. Do you know what I mean? And I think that's what I always had in the back of my mind I want them to look back and not remember me and their dad arguing

or us not being in a good place I want them to be like look back and be like oh like yeah my parents weren't together anymore but like they're so fine with each other but that's what I wanted and that's where I am so I mean like this it could all go tits up I'm still not nearly yes so nearly there but so yeah any other lessons you've learned this year I think I've definitely learned what I need to do to not allow history to repeat itself. I think it takes a lot to really look at maybe how you were in a relationship that didn't work out and taking responsibility for things that you did that maybe you shouldn't have i'm not talking about things like infidelity or being a bad partner i mean more like accepting certain things because i didn't have much like self-worth or yeah i agree or you know noticing you know in my previous relationship not really noticing well hold on actually i shouldn't be spoken to that way like sticking up for myself and really knowing having boundaries exactly that like having boundaries in place um i think it's

knowing your worth isn't it it's absolutely knowing your worth and like not ever like accepting or compromising on those like bare minimals those non-negotiable it's not even just in relationships it's in a work environment it's in friendship I think that's been a big thing for me as well really realizing that I know we spoke about it we did a whole episode on friends it's really realizing well hold on I might have been friends with this person for this number of years but what do they now bring to my life when I see them do they make me feel happy do they bring positivity to me are they just around for the drama were they there for me when I went through something really bad and I feel like I've become a bit more like cutthroat in if you are only there for me

for the good times and actually you don't really show up to the bad then you can fuck off. I think going through things that we've been through does make you quite, I don't know, I feel like I take a lot less BS nowadays.

I feel like everything I've been through has opened my eyes to being, I don't know, I've always been like a bit of a people pleaser. I don't like people feeling a certain way. I always try and do the right thing, whether I believe I'm in the wrong. I'll always apologise for things, whether or not I should, because I prefer peace and I prefer easy and actually everything I've gone through this year has made me realize I don't I don't want to walk on eggshells with everyone anymore I want to stand up for what I

believe I deserve in terms of relationships in terms of friendships in terms of relationships, in terms of friendships, in terms of kind of like just with anyone I have in my life, I want it to be like an equal thing. It's like I want, then I want to get as much as I'm giving kind of thing. Not physically, but I mean like I feel like I am a very good friend to people or, you know, I want the same back. And actually, like what I'm realizing is everything I've learned from my relationship, I'm able to transfer into like, like what you said, like what friendships are truly valuable. And it is really evident. Like you said, who shows up, who was there in the beginning just for the drama?

Who's still there? Who texts in? Who, you know know says to you I know you're spending time on your own do you want to go out for dinner do you want some company like it's it's been a hard and horrible lesson like I'm not gonna lie it's not just losing a relationship I have lost friendships this year which still blows my mind because, yeah, but that's life. I think it's important to realise that you want to surround yourself with people that pick you up and clap when you're winning. Yeah, yeah.

People that genuinely want to see you happy. If people, if you've got friends or anyone in your life who's triggered by you being happy that's a red flag I'm sorry there's nothing I would want more for any of my friends them then for them to be happy so if someone who you consider a friend isn't happy for you and you're happy that's weird yeah I feel like I am definitely going into 2024 with a really good circle of people around me um and they are the ones that like showed up for me through the crap yeah any other lessons you've learned I definitely still have a lot of work to do on myself. More so with like my anxiety and my

mental health. And that is going to be like a real like key thing that I'm going to really push this year. I think it's really easy to kind of, when you have certain anxieties or like me with a phobia I think it's really easy to just try and like mask it and kind of like plod along in life kind of trying to avoid needing to confront it I personally believe that your mind is really really powerful like if you have that mindset where you're constantly like oh that's never going to change and that is how it is and and kind of like allow your anxiety to define you then that's how it's always going to be yeah and I feel like it is having that like mindset of actually do you know what like I don't want that to be the

case anymore i'm going to change it so i will and i think that i haven't really like done enough work on that that's something that i definitely need to do that's i realize that's not actually what you are so it's not a lesson that's me having well lot of fun. Well, it's recognising you're still, yeah, it's recognising what you want to kind of focus on into the new year, isn't it? Yeah. I think that when you're a mum, you're so consumed with doing everything for your children and you almost forget that there's stuff that,

just for you, it's not always about, a mum shouldn't define you, it's part of you.'s not always about like a mum shouldn't define you it's part of you and I feel like being a mum is very easy to kind of get caught up in just concentrating on your children the whole time yeah and I actually think that being a single parent and having more time to yourself it is definitely a silver lining like I'm not going to sit here and like say that it's not something that I enjoy. I do now really enjoy that time that I have on my own. But I think this year I definitely spent a lot of that time being busy and doing things rather than actually like reflecting and doing like work on me.

So that's definitely something that I'm going to do all this year. There's never enough time to do it all is there no no i'll find yeah not sure what i'm gonna do all this stuff i know yeah what about you what do you feel like you have learned this year i have learned some big lessons um i think the number one lesson i've learned is for anyone listening who i know look i know there's people who are going through it every single day Tash and I get it in our DMs all the time my number one lesson I've learned is you were so much stronger than you ever knew you had the capacity to be like there is literally nothing that you can't get through because genuinely if someone had told me this time last year that my marriage was going to break down and things were going to unveil itself in the way they did, I would have said to you,

I don't know if I could ever get through that. And I'm here. I'm here at the end of the year and I'm getting through it. And I've done a damn good job of it. in those early days that pain is so physical and raw and your whole world has been stripped of you and um I remember that feeling of feeling so helpless like how am I ever gonna recover from this how am I ever gonna be happy again how am I ever going to be happy again? How am I ever going to, I don't know, live, like survive, provide my kids with the life they want? And like, I am really proud of myself looking back as to what I've got through. And whilst I have had some amazing people around me, I haven't had as many people as I would have assumed or would have liked.

And I've done a lot of that on my own. Sorry, don't want to get us upset. Well, don't because I'm not there. It's not sad, it is. I'm just genuinely really proud of how I've managed to pull myself out of like, literally thinking like my whole world was completely over. Well done, yeah. thinking like my whole world was completely over well done here and i remember those early days like feeling so worthless and literally like i was just surviving each day just for the

hell of it and just not just for my kids like my kids pulled me through everything and i hit some really really dark days in those early days I'm sitting where I am now like genuinely really content feeling so highly motivated about like my business goals like in a really positive supportive happy relationship like my kids are happier than ever I don't know I just it's not sad tears I just I do feel really proud of myself and I think sometimes we need to step back and say like you fucking smashed it like you've done a really good job you've been hunted and dealt a shit deck of cards this year and um you've got through it and yeah like my advice for, like the biggest lesson I've learned is you are so much stronger than you know. Like you just need to delve deep. You need to focus on like the little precious moments in your day.

And how should I say it time and time again, it's day by day or hour by hour. And I promise you will get through it. Like one of the other massive lessons I've learned is like, it sounds really silly, but I've done a lot of reflecting like the last few weeks. I've done a lot of journaling, a lot of writing. So this is all like really fresh in my brain. I feel like in the person I chose to marry,

in that relationship, I feel like I was aware of a lot of the things I was compromising on but one of the things I really liked about the person was that they were a safe person they were quiet they weren't like I don't know I can't explain it my my point is don't ever compromise on things that are important to you because you think someone is safe do you mind trying to explain what you mean by that when you say safe do you mean that you felt like he was the typical um stereotype of like wouldn't stray and was quite introvert and you were more... Yeah, exactly that.

You felt like you had the upper hand? Not necessarily the upper hand, but if you were to put him in a room with 100 other men or 100 other women, I would never have worried because I just think there were certain characteristics I just assumed about him and I never just I don't know my point is don't compromise on the things that are really important to you like do you think and sorry if I'm like saying this out of turn and it may be completely wrong but do you think that that actually

really came from maybe some sort of insecurity of your own that you felt like you had to you almost looked for that because you were, do you think if you had your self-love that you would have felt the need to have that? Maybe. And I think there's been other things that I've been through in my life that maybe made that, like, a primary quality. I use that because obviously it was a quality that I was looking for in someone. And I certainly feel like, I don don't know and do you know what like at the time when we met I was young I didn't really I'm not blowing my own trumpet but I feel like I'm so much wiser now like I there's so many like I didn't know these things before I was

young and like honestly I was really immature until quite a late age. And it wasn't actually until I had kids that I really feel like I've grown so much as a person. I really, truly know what my values are, what's important to me. And you know what? I'm not going to look back and think, oh, I wish this hadn't happened. If I'm being completely honest, I'm sad right now. I'm so glad that this has happened and I'm glad it's happened now because I feel like I still have so much of my life to live and I feel like now I know what's important I can live the rest of my life being happy focusing on what's important you know being with someone who has the characteristics and the same morals as me and the same aspirations as me and doing things and being

the person that I lost and like something I will never compromise on again like there were aspects of my personality or hobbies I enjoyed doing that probably a combination of becoming a mum, but also being lost in a marriage where I didn't feel like what I wanted mattered or what I cared about mattered. And that wasn't important. And actually, my main job was to just be a mum and raise my kids. And actually, what this whole thing has taught me is that actually, I am important. I, my happiness is important. I'm important. My happiness is important. And what I've seen as a result of me finding myself again, what I've seen as a result of me being happy again and doing all the things I used to love doing and traveling more. And I don't know, being with someone who actually makes me feel

beautiful and valued and appreciated, which I'm gonna lie I haven't had I feel like all of those things radiate into me and I am such a better mum for it my kids are getting so much more from me than they ever would my whole atmosphere in my house is completely different and I think what I really learned this year and it's not that I ever looked at single parents in a certain way before this, but I don't think I fully understood the complexities. And honestly, the strength, like just the difficulty of everything single parents go through. much respect for anyone doing it on their own or co-parenting or you know it's in it's one of those things until you really go through something you you can't appreciate it until you've walked a day in that person's shoes like and that's not to invalidate how hard being a mother or a parent is if you're still with that person I I'm not invalidating those feelings. Becoming a parent is one of the hardest things in the world.

But from my experience, it's completely amplified when you become a single parent. Yeah. Yeah, I've just... I'm sure most mums or dads would probably agree with that when they are from a relationship that hasn't fallen apart you know it it's no different maybe it's a bit of an odd comparison but I feel like it's no different to when people say things to me like I said how you did twins but I think to

myself you know how people do triplets like you know I feel like anyone married would be like I don't know how you do it on your own like it yeah like it is amazing so I saw this thing on TikTok the other day and it just really stood out for me and I want to mention this for anyone that's maybe going through like a breakup that's quite fresh or maybe they're with someone and they're about to break up I really do strongly believe that like if you are meant to stay with someone and you're meant to be together you will it doesn't matter about oh I should have done this or have I done that differently or I shouldn't have said that because I do genuinely believe that no small action or conversation or holding back on something is going to make a difference as to

whether your relationship is going to last or not I feel like there were so many times when I first ended with my ex I I would like sort of like replay things in my head and be like as I knocked on that pushing him on that maybe we'd still be together and it's a bit like don't put that pressure on yourself that like if you wished you had done something differently like there would have been a different outcome that also goes for like dating oh should I message him or should I not if you're meant to be with that person like it will work and you always find a way to be together it will just yeah and if you're not then it won't so I feel like that again is definitely like when I saw that I was like I just really liked really

hearing that it is true like you can clip yourself with regret of, oh, had I not done this? Had I not said that? Or did I push too much? Like if you're meant to be with someone, it will work out. I think it's really important to look back on things like this. And like I've learned a lot about my self-worth. I would never want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me I want them to 100% want me and if their heads are turned by other people I'm not going to try and

win back their attention or their affection I deserve more than that do you know what I mean like that's a sad I strive for so much more than that now. And I think that's a massive lesson I've learned this year is you shouldn't ever have to beg someone to love you. Yeah. To be with you. I got a message from someone the other day. And she was telling me that her husband had been having an affair and that she had contacted the girl and begged her to leave her husband alone.

And she was saying things like she says she was a girl's girl and she's still doing it and I can't believe it. And I replied to her saying, like, I'm so sorry what you're going through. It's like she was trying to get me to confirm to her that the girl was so wrong. And don't get me wrong, the girl was doing wrong, but it's like she had this tunnel vision of, like,

blame the girl, blame the girl. But actually, your husband is also doing wrong. And I just think I'm in that frame of mind now where it's like, if I'm with someone that is able to be distracted by another woman, she can have him. Yeah. I'm not an option. I'm the first choice like the only choice i'm the only choice yeah yeah like it just it's sad that you know we're

really quick to like go and attack and blame the other woman and don't get me wrong a lot of them are vile and you shouldn't want to break up a marriage but if someone else is their problem yeah if someone else is capable of breaking up that marriage then he's not worth it and she's saying that it's and it's and it's you know what it's hard to get to that point but the way i see it now is like it's no longer my problem all the things that I didn't like about my ex her problem you know it's it's it's done and it's right like it's so hard at the time and god it hurts like hell like feeling like you're not attractive or you're a crap wife or I don't know whatever it is but I will always be number one to someone now I won't ever compromise if they're steering between me and another person I'll take my things and leave

like absolutely not right what things are you gonna do differently 2024 I am the world's worst procrastinator I really really am like it's such a bad habit. You know, or sometimes even when I've got a day and I'm like, I've got a day, like, I'm going to get shit done. And then it's like I look back at that day and I'm like, what shit did I do? Like, I really want to try and be more proactive

with stuff that needs to get done. But at the same time, completely contradicting myself here sometimes you need those days to fuck you do you do like i did that do you know what that is one thing i've definitely learned to do and appreciate if i was camera bullet doing nothing that's what i need to do more of i i'm terrible at that thing. Yeah, you would never see me sat down. I didn't know how to chill. I didn't know how to wind down. I was always go, go, go. I found it a complete waste to not be out with the kids.

And now there's sometimes some of my best days is you don't always have to be go, go, go. I think I'm just going to be a bit kinder to myself. Yeah, I definitely think that's a good one. I need to do that. Same with like, I'm not very good at not doing anything. I need to get better at that as well. One thing I'm going to do differently this year, one thing like I've been quite open with it on Instagram and stuff,

but like being completely transparent, like so obviously my marriage broke down the first day of March. So it's coming up for nearly 10 months by the time this episode goes out and then ever since then I've fallen completely off the bandwagon of eating well and exercising in a way that I like to exercise and looking after myself like honestly like some days I'll eat a meal some days I'll just like pick my way through the day and I really noticed like a complete change in my energy and like sometimes my mood and like my skin and stuff like that so like my biggest priority this year is like actually looking after myself like having three meals a day cooking well because i enjoy cooking good foods exercising trying to carve out a bit of

time i'm gonna try and start um i want to do a reformer pilates class a week and i want to go to the gym twice a week i have no idea how and when i'm going to fit in but i really want to try and prioritize those things because i know they're going to make me feel really good like i lost i lost quite a lot of weight this year and I know lots like some people like oh I wish I could lose weight blah blah but it wasn't done in a healthy way it was done I like literally in the first couple of months I barely ate or like did anything and I've really noticed a change in my body like I've lost a lot of muscle I've lost that confidence of just feeling strong like I've always been someone

who has been a strong fit person and I'm not that person and like one of my biggest priorities is health because health is wealth like that's another thing like you've got to actually look after the health of yourself so you can be the version for your kids as well but I always say to my clients like if you're looking after yourself and you're pouring into the cup of, like, investing in your own health, you're going to be around longer. You're going to be there to be able to run after them and play with them and pick things up and keep up with them.

Like, it's hard work. So I'm absolutely making that a priority going into the year ahead food water exercise I want to take some more time out from like mindfulness like really I really struggle to switch off so like having that time um whether it's journaling or whether it's I don't know just doing a bit of meditation or whatever it is I really want to focus on I guess it's journaling or whether it's, I don't know, just doing a bit of meditation or whatever it is, I really want to focus on, I guess it's both physical and mental health, like of myself, because I just feel like that's going to make me a better mum, make me a better partner, make me a better friend.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Do you know what? I really need to do exactly what you've done. My eating is horrendous my my diet is really really bad and it does definitely have a detrimental effect on my energy and yeah I I definitely need to do that you can help me I'll help you I can get you signed up. Yes, please. Another thing I'm going to do is,

I guess it stems from our episode about triggers, and I've been really good at this since we've spoken about it all, is not taking past triggers, but really trying to work on them. them yeah and it's taking that responsibility and i'm again i think there's something wrong in being proud of yourself i'm really really proud of myself i feel like i'm really making progress in terms of like i don't know it's a big deal when you've come out of a marriage that obviously was broken down by trust being broken and I think I get messages all the time like I got this message yesterday or two days ago because I

said something like how my boyfriend doesn't really go on set like he doesn't use social media doesn't post something he doesn't do anything blah blah and she was like well does that not make you like think he's hiding something from you and this and that like this whole like story and I was like what the hell this is like what my brain does and I was like and actually I was like no like it doesn't because I know I know him and I know like we're very open with stuff like that but yeah it's just like I don't know I feel like trusting my gut a bit more. Not everyone was the same.

And if someone's not giving you a reason to question their trust or to make you think they're a bad person. Yeah. But I give people benefit of the doubt. Like, yeah, I agree. I really agree. I think, yeah, I think, do you know what I have found? but i'll give people benefit of the doubt like yeah i agree i really agree i think yeah i think do you know what i have found and this is why i love doing this podcast not only are we helping other people you know the messages we get and people saying like you don't understand

how much this is helping me and i resonate so much but it's it's helping me like I we do episodes and then I afterwards I'm a bit like oh I didn't really know that until I said it out loud and you know when we have episodes like the triggers one and I don't know I just feel like it's there looking through it all isn't it absolutely and I feel like i've we i know we both have goals for the podcasts for this year that i know we really you know we're gonna be really determined to this time next year guys this yeah yeah you watch where we're gonna hit those goals together like we've spoken about it briefly on our instagram page but we want to do events we want to you know we want to meet you guys we want to do live podcasts there's a lot of other things that

i'm not going to mention that we've got in the pipeline so also really excited about the podcast for 2024 i feel like it's gonna be bigger and better and that is obviously with the help of you guys. So like every listen and every share and everything that you do, like it does genuinely mean so, so much to us because yeah, we, we want to help other people,

but in turn it, it really, really is. And that's it. Like we, we can only carry on like putting out all these episodes if you guys are supporting us. Like if you guys continually support us and listen and share

and recommend and the rest and we grow, we are able to do more. We're able to, you know, like put more time and stuff into all this. And that's really what we want from this. We want this to grow. And like honestly, the amount of messages we get just about how like our podcast has got you through some of your darkest days like that is our reason why and I think going through this whole experience I kind of feel a bit jealous that I didn't have that like in my early days like something to listen to to help me through it 100% and I feel like that's

also why we started it because I wish that there was a podcast like this I could listen to two years ago yeah exactly that and the messages that we get say it all and makes it worth doing so I think it is really important to like goal set for a year I think it's good to like dream big I think this links in with our episode we did about vision boards like don't ever sit and think like that's too big like I can't possibly have that as a goal or as a vision or something I'd like to achieve because it's unachievable like that you're already limiting yourself in so many ways by having that mindset so like I am gonna have I've actually got a bit of time to myself this weekend and between Christmas and New Year I've got some time to myself where I'm really gonna sit down work out what I want

to change on my vision board have new bigger goals like more exciting goals more specific goals that's yeah I'm really learning is the more specific you can get with your goals and what you want to achieve and the more i don't know you're open to believing you can achieve them you're going to get them um like i'm setting myself some really scary but exciting business goals that you know there's other things that i really want to happen in my life next year and i think it's really it's a really positive idea for you to sit down like have that moment on your own, get really clear about what it is you want from life, what it is you want to happen. What do you want to change in the next

year? Do you want your life to just carry on being the same or do you have bigger and better goals? Do you want to be happy? Do you want to meet someone? Do you want to move house? Do you want to, I don't know, do you want to promote your job? You've got to get really clear with what it is that you want and create a vision board. So I've my new little office space i'm going to move my vision board there because where it is at the moment i don't actually get to look at it all the time and i feel like i've been limiting myself a little bit with not yeah it's not to it so i feel like that literally in front of my laptop will be a really nice place to have it um like as a constant reminder of what it's all for essentially

um i think that also anyone that hasn't listened to it um maybe go back and listen to the episode about manifesting and vision boards because i think it's a really good episode to actually be listening to at the beginning of the year maybe we'll share it as well for anyone that yeah yeah we'll reshare it on our stories yeah definitely because i think it is it is it just gives you that little boost it's like okay yeah i can do this here's a step by step this is how we do it i definitely need to update my vision board i think a lot of it on there is actually slightly too vague um it's about getting real specific with your goals on there yeah absolutely yeah i need to do that definitely um any new year's resolutions

but to be completely honest with you i don't massively believe in them that's fun i think a lot of people set resolutions like i said and then like a month later they haven't done that I do want to be healthy um is that a new year's resolution I mean I guess you could say it is but I'm not going to put this like massive pressure on myself I work I feel like it's more like a life change than like this year I'm gonna do you know I think yeah back into being healthy and yeah just honestly like and just to try and continue the work that I'm currently doing really and I've got a lot of goals for work that I'm I want I'm really hoping you will. It's going to be my year. I think that when you become a single parent,

the financial side of things is always, I think, definitely one of the scariest. It's probably one of the reasons why a lot of people don't become a single parent. know the reasons why a lot of people don't become a single parent um and i yeah i want to make sure that i'm able to get certain things in order to continue giving my kids and myself the life that we deserve the bloody elutely can i get a hell yeah to that my my ringless is given up on life my new year's resolution same with in terms of like health goals and stuff and like business goals massively like want to focus i don't feel like like if i'm being completely transparent i don't feel like i've been focused on growing my pt side of my businesses as much this year because honestly I feel like I've been juggling so much emotionally that actually I've you can't do everything and sometimes you drop some balls

and you know I don't from being completely honest with myself I don't feel like I've been giving it my best and I want to give it my best so this year is all about that but also like I really want to work on my co-parenting relationship I want that to be positive I found our episode we did with Shelly really really helpful in terms of since then I've really been able to put like firmer boundaries in place in terms of like actually like we don't need to discuss that and I don't need to reply to you as soon as you message me and like actually I don't know just being able to hold boundaries I've really felt like I'm able to protect my energy a hell of a lot more and it's made

honestly like the biggest difference just to like my overall mood like how I'm feeling and like if you haven't listened to the episode of Shelling you are struggling with a co-parenting relationship I cannot recommend it enough like it just changed things for me in terms of being able to step back like one of the things she said was like if something's said or whatever something happens to be able to step back and get that space rather than reacting in that situation which I 100% was doing before so for me I think that's the case with even like anything yeah i agree like in general like reacting the minute you're like triggered it's just not going to end well we're going to go into a few emails before we end the episode thank you guys for always sending stuff in

hey ladies i love your podcast it has really helped me over the past year. You're both so inspiring. I've got a bit of a dilemma. Sorry in advance if it's long, but I would love to hear your thoughts and advice. So my ex and I separated after 14 years together around 11 months ago. We have a three-year-old daughter. We separated due to lots of arguing. He drank a lot and was lying about it, causing me to get paranoid thinking he was lying to me all of the time. I asked him if he would try couples therapy, but he didn't want to. Because of the situation we were in, I had to leave with my daughter and start from scratch. I was left with nothing. So now we are getting along well co-parenting. He is now saying that he misses me and has now started to make an effort wanting to do things with our daughter and I, where previously when we were together, he wouldn't have wanted to do this I feel stuck part of me feels resentful that it's taken all of this for

him to appreciate and want to make the effort but then the other part of me thinks should we try again would I be able to trust him or would I be questioning everything I just don't know what would you do thank you both I if I'm being honest I feel like I understand there's been like lying and stuff but I feel like sometimes it does take people to break for them to realize what they've nearly lost and I feel like where there's not been like infidelity or from what I'm reading anything like I'm not saying it's not significant yeah I knowing the kind of person I am I think I would want to try I think I would too and just see and like if I did feel like he was giving me reasons not to trust him again look it's easy for me to sit here and say that I've got

massive trust issues but I feel like I don't know even the fact you're maybe questioning it i think that tells me there's part of you that perhaps would want that and i think sometimes you have to leave every stone unturned in terms of trying if that's something you really want because who really wants their family unit to fall apart it's not an ideal situation for anyone yeah that i agree i think i think there hasn't been like this like big thing i understand the drinking's not great but again if you if like he then wanted to start seeking help for that or he did want to start a couple that tells me that would tell me like he's he's making those choices because it's important to him and he wants to work on it i think it's really important that he is taking responsibility well

do you know what it's exactly like shelly said isn't it a willing to grow taking responsibility um being able to reflect and and being able to emotionally regulate and by the sounds of it maybe it's taken this break for him to realise so yeah I would say give it a go and set boundaries

and know your worth and if history repeats itself then you know you tried yeah I agree with that okay we've got a long one i'm gonna read him do it hi listening to your podcast has made me feel validated and that i'm not alone in what i'm going through that's exactly what we want isn't it it is upsetting to listen to as i am processing what i'm going through i don't care about him at all it's more protecting my time

with my daughter we've been married for eight years He has a lot of trauma with his dad leaving him when he was younger and his mom was emotionally unavailable. He has always wanted children, a family unit for this reason. In our marriage, he had a lot of expectations on me in doing things in a certain way and how a couple should be. Now looking back, it was more how he wanted the relationship to be and not what we could work on together. He has a controlling streak and would not stop me from doing anything but would make comments that would make me second guess why I would take certain actions. Four years of trying for a baby, three rounds of IVF, two failed cycles, one healthy baby girl was born in April 2022. On my birthday this year in June, he said he didn't want to be together and that we were

different people and we are better off apart. On my birthday? I mean come on. There's 364 other days in the year. He said he has thought about this since the start of the year. He had been in my phone and seen text messages I had sent to my sisters detailing how I felt controlled and manipulated. He said all he has ever wanted was to make me happy. He now feels after seeing the text messages that I'll never be happy. We went to marriage counselling and I wanted to work on the marriage due to our daughter and not splitting up my family unit. I would have thought given my ex's background he would feel the same but it's like he has had a personality transplant. He is a different man. I don't recognise him. In August he said he wanted a had a personality transplant he is a different man I don't

recognize him in August he said he wanted to divorce there are so many things he has said that are are abusive and threats he has made since I now know the relationship was an emotionally abusive one and I just didn't see it or thought he was going through a phase due to his trauma he is a hands-on dad I can't fault him there but to the extent he would rather I leave him to parent himself we're still living together because of financial reasons. He has had overnight stays with our daughter however I am finding this has been taken out of my hands and I didn't have a choice on having less time with my daughter. I love my own time but I miss her and I feel like I'm missing out. I have a good support network but feel lonely going through this. We're going through mediation

because our communication styles mean I end up compromising myself. All the stories I hear are about men who are hands off or are amicable with mediating time with children. I asked him to stay for photos whilst he was with my daughter so it doesn't feel like such a long stretch. He had her this weekend and went to see his family. He said no because he can't trust me and I need to stop asking because I'm now ruining his time with our daughter. I just feel at loss and my mental health is in pieces. I've seen a therapist but can't fork out money for it right now with the mediation cost being £300 plus a session. I just want advice on how I can help myself in the process ahead and what is a suitable plan for my child arrangements for an 18 month old. It's a hard one. I understand what you're saying in terms of you do feel like you're missing out on time.

And at the start of my ex-husband having the kids, I would always ask for photos, exactly those same reasons. I'd never had the time apart from them. I found it really difficult. In the beginning, he did used to do it. And then that seemed to become a problem. We don't do it anymore unless it's like something really significant. Like when the boys met Chase from Paw Patrol, I sent a photo. But other than that, we don't do it anymore unless it's like something really significant like when the boys met chase from paul kutcher i sent a photo but other than that we don't um well i think with

things like that when it comes to like photos and communication when you have the kids or he has the kids i think you need to almost like match the energy with your co-parenting 100 if they're giving you not even that but i feel like if your parenting if your co-parenting then they're giving you not even that but I feel like if you're parenting if you're co-parenting a relationship isn't that great then like you need to maybe

like realise that getting photos from him it's just not yet at that point or it's just not even

sometimes necessary like do you remember when I said that some of it's us some of it's the things we struggle with the kids are actually in good hands the kids are fine and that is and should always be the priority

yes we struggle i really struggle with not knowing what they're doing like hands up i did like that was my biggest thing i wanted to know what they were doing every weekend now we're at the point where he doesn't tell me what they've done i I only hear it through CI what they've done. I don't get the pictures. I don't get the updates. Do you remember I once said that I used to go through a stage where I'd like on exchanges, I'd be like, what did they eat? How did they sleep? And all this stuff.

And then I realized actually like it's been and gone. I don't actually need to know. I'll know if there's a problem. So keep the contact and the communication to an absolute minimum. And I think that especially going through mediation and like things like that being very heightened, I think that you need to appreciate that you need to be at that level where you're keeping contact to a minimum. Hopefully you get to a point further down the line where exchanges the photos and asking what she's doing and how things are it will be okay but i think that you need to maybe pick your battles with

um hoping or expecting too much from someone when you're currently going through i think we're going through that like obviously it's something you've never been through before you don't know what like the protocol is that's yeah what I was I was like do I get pictures do I get updates do I get like when you're leaving do I know like that's what I struggle with obviously my kids have like a two-hour journey and like to begin with I was like can you text me when you get back to the house so I know they're okay I still do that sometimes but it's stuff like that but actually when they're with the other person who's got parental responsibility you kind of have to trust that they're being looked after and that they're okay and yes it's hard for us but I guess that's something that we need to work on on ourselves like it's not easy like I've always been very

open like the biggest challenge I've ever felt from this is having that time away from my kids which don't get me wrong I'm in a much better place with now but I still there are definitely challenges around that for me and I you know I do feel um I don't know lately I've really felt like when they're coming back from their dads um my kids are ill a lot when they come back to me I don't know there's i'm just i do find like exchanges and car parks really emotionally taking a toll but actually what i'm trying to step back and look at is my kids are fine like my kids it's it's i don't think it's emotionally impacting them i think it's me and carly like that that exchange in a car park like

it'd be quite a son like also like you live two hours apart from each other who's to say that even when you're good did i tell you about you're not going to meet in the middle did i tell you did i tell you about the horrible message i got about that no he's saying how i was like impacting my kids and exchanging them like a drug exchange. Sorry, what? You can make your son. We do. We go out for the sun.

I get to pick chocolate. It's not that way. That's what I mean. Sometimes I think actually that's probably better than going into a house where someone's got more of an opportunity to be hostile or negative or rude. It's in public. It's done done it's really not a big deal it's not ideal i don't love it work with what you've got as long as the kids are at the forefront of both parents priority then you just want to work with what you've got it's just one of those things isn't it and I feel you're learning yeah trying initially like I found the first like few months where I was away from my kids like filling your time with things

you've not got to do like go and book appointments go out with friends go shopping like keep yourself busy I have to say I'm now at a point where like this weekend I think all of Saturday maybe Saturday night I've got no plans and I am so excited to be in my house I want to sort through cupboards and like I don't know I'm really looking forward to time on my own which if you would have asked me a few months ago that would have been like my worst nightmare being just on my own in my own company but I think it's really important um it's good and it's healthy to be able to be on your own and be content and you know i'm looking forward to having a deep clean and then sitting down and i might even watch a film like yeah i think that you know what i think that my

advice to anyone that is experiencing that kind of like time on their own newly when you're not with your kids don't put your pressure on yourself to like enjoy time on your own yeah you feel it naturally agree i spent a lot of time making sure i'm constantly busy and that's fine like don't feel like you have to learn to like being by yourself i'm kind of calm yeah i've just only recently got to a point where I'm like, which is amazing. I like this. Okay, guys, we're going to end this episode with a little confession of the week. This one's a good one. I like these.

I like these. I have the love honey clit sucker in my bedside drawer. Where's this going? My three-year-old found it and was sat playing with it.

I freaked out and didn't know what to do so I grabbed it and pretend to use it as a facial cleanser. Ah! Lesson learned. I need to put it somewhere safer i love that so much it's like sending in your confessions of the week they are i feel like they're my new highlight of the episode me too should we do that should we do a little I feel like we need an affirmation for the new year Definitely This is my year and I am in control

Yes This is my year and I am in control Creatures of Starwood Happy New Year everyone We hope you enjoyed the episode It was weird doing it on Zoom But hopefully it worked It worked well Yeah guys we hope you enjoyed the episode. It was weird doing it on Zoom, but hopefully it worked. It worked well.

Yeah, guys, we hope you enjoyed it. And make sure, as always, you follow, share, comment, like, love. We will see you. Help us grow. Love you all. Have the best of you. Bye.