Not As We Planned - 26. Jessica Hayes: An Honest Chat About Being a Single Parent

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

We talk to Love Island star and influencer Jessica Hayes about becoming a single parent, loss and navigating coparenting Trigger Warning: Baby Loss Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode. So today we have a really exciting and special again. Very exciting. Yeah, we've been looking forward to this. Yeah.

And it's taken us some time to find a schedule where it's worked for us. We are so happy to introduce Jessica Hayes. Welcome Jess. Hi guys. Oh my god it's so nice to find me be chatting to you guys obviously following you for ages. Yeah it's so it's so nice. We literally have so many things we want to talk to you about today and obviously like for those of you who don't know Jess and like kind of her background I'm sorry to bring it up Jess do you want to introduce everyone like a bit about your Love Island era? I mean I did do Love Island I won it back in 2015 um no I mean don't get me wrong it. It was an amazing time and it changed my life. It was incredible. But yeah, I feel like such a different woman now. I think, especially becoming a mom, it's changed me so much. But yeah, it was a good time. follow you and don't know your situation now if you can maybe just give us a little insight as to as you just mentioned you're now a mum so yeah so I had my son in 2019 he's four um and he's like

my world like you know as mums we love our kids don't we but yeah he changed me so much and um I did uh break up with his dad when we he was two um I was on my own for a little while obviously it was very hard time um and then I met somebody else and yeah that's kind of ended like going through like a bit of a rocky patch um and I'm I'm on my own at the moment with my son and again I'm just kind of doing that part all over again. So yeah, life's been a journey. Yeah. And obviously, so you are together with his dad for the first two years

and then becoming a single mom. Did you take on kind of like most of the responsibility? becoming a single mom did you take on kind of like most of the responsibility how was that kind of like initial stage of being a single mom for you I think it's really hard at the beginning isn't it like navigating all the co-parenting thing like you know when are you going to have him like the set days and because I think with the dads they're very like they you know they've got their work and that's like their main focus I find and obviously you're kind of you are left with most of the responsibilities and um it was really hard at first like super hard like it's just it's an it's odd isn't it but I feel like as time's gone on and I mean I'm talking two years we finally reached a place

where you know he has his set weekends his set days and we can talk to each other on a level you know we both moved on we both had new relationships and yeah but it takes a while yeah would you say it's taken like a while for you to get to the point where you can co-parent more effectively without bringing in like the emotions because I find like I'm still at I'm what I'm nine months in now and I still feel like we're not there at being able to leave everything I feel like we're still very much aware of what will get a response from the other person and it's not fun I had that I had that I remember phone calls um like screaming each other down the phone saying well you owe me this still and you owe me that and yeah like oh well I want

him to go here to school and you know if you don't do that and it was very like hostile for a very long time and I think sometimes I feel like that shows that they I mean not that the other person hasn't moved on but I did find that I had I moved on I guess I moved on first when I moved on I kind of just completely had blocked him out of my head and I just tried to like move forward and I was happy um but I think until he then found somebody else it took him to kind of feel happy and settled for him to then stop nabbing at me. Because it's almost like there's still that sort of jealousy there and there's still that...

I mean, I absolutely have no feelings whatsoever now. Like, he can have as many differences as he wants. He doesn't faze me. Like, I've got to that point. Would you say that it wasn't until he found someone else where you felt like there was that more kind of like peace between you both in that co-parenting relationship yeah I think so I do think it takes you both to kind of fully move on because it's like I know that when obviously it was my I wanted to end the relationship.

Even if it's them that's done wrong, it's like they will then get, I feel like men, like, later on, they're like, they feel bad and they still love you and blah, blah, blah. And you're like, well, it's too late now. Do you think it's an ego thing? Possibly. Do you think, like, you know, you moved on first, you're happy and it's a bit like oh hold on

although I did wrong what's going on here why is she okay and I did not yeah the reality is I do feel like god did I overreact like but now I look back it was I wasn't happy in that relationship like I always feel this sounds really bad I never really said this but the minute I got pregnant I just I don't know I felt so detached from the relationship and it just didn't work but yeah how long into the relationship did you fall pregnant so it I've known him for like a really long time so before I did like the TV show and it was one of those things you know when you know someone and you like you rekindle and we did a bit of traveling we went to Cape Verde and it was really quite quick like I think

we were in Cape Verde in like April May came. Came back, got engaged, which was like random. Bit of a whirlwind, like you know how it is. And then I was at my engagement party, like getting smashed. And I didn't realize I was probably like a week or a few days pregnant. So it was pretty quick. And then you just sort of felt that that I guess it's one of those things and I think we've spoken about it a lot when you obviously have a baby with your partner and even if maybe you know in the back of your mind things aren't great or they're not the way

you'd like them to be it is very scary suddenly thinking oh do you know what this isn't as perfect as I'd like it to be so I'm gonna leave like I don't think many people would have that strength to you just sometimes accept it for what it is don't you like this these are my cards that I've been dealt and you know very lucky to have a baby, a healthy child. And maybe this is something that's got to give. It's hard to, it is really hard to walk away. Although I did, you know, being pregnant, I did enjoy being pregnant with Presley. Like it was a nice experience. And even those two years after, like best two years of my life, I didn't expect to like not be with him.

That wasn't like my plan. And, you know, I thought it would work but you know sometimes it just don't yeah at what point would you say things happened where you realized like that you wanted to part ways I think I don't know if it was like the whole having a baby thing like there was no intimacy there. Yeah. Really? That kind of like when, and you know, I breastfed him for like a year and a half.

And I feel like that kind of thing just. You feel like a sexy, don't you? You don't feel as desirable. And I think sometimes what you really need is your partner to give you all of those, like those affirmations that you're still beautiful, that, you know, you're still beautiful that you know you're still attractive I know for sure that was something I massively lacked in like my marriage after I had a baby I when you're a woman and your body changes that much anyway like you do feel different in your body and it does take a while to adjust to living in even more so in your breastfeeding because you are like sharing

your body with your baby and also like I found I don't know who found this but like things like before having kids like boobs were like a really sexual thing and it was like you know and then suddenly you've got this baby latching onto your nipple and it's I don't know. I just felt like I became so much less sexy. Do you know what it was for me? I felt more like I just wanted to give myself to my kids. So you sort of like don't prioritize that like intimacy. And I think that I would definitely take responsibility as much as maybe my ex did that becoming a mum, like just no one prepares you for that. You don't know how much it's going to change you as a person and you as a partner. And then I sometimes it's, I think it's very easy to kind of like

put your kids so much higher on the priority list than your partner and then maybe resentment can build up as well from that yeah 100 and i actually don't always think that's a good thing i think if i if i do it again or did it again like i would try and prioritize them a bit more and still have that intimacy because i've you know i think men do spin it on you like as an excuse as to why they cheated as well like i think um for me personally it was like well i was you know on the cipher and you know while i was you know it's no excuse but it's like you're you're up breastfeeding in the middle of the night in the early days and because you aren't giving them that attention they then go and look elsewhere and i think it actually scares me and worries me that a lot of that does happen in postpartum when women are pregnant yeah and i guess blows my mind

it really yeah i mean the amount of people that reach out to us i do you know i don't know if i've been living under a rock for like all these years but i was do you know I don't know if I've been living under a rock for like all these years but I was very much like I don't know if I'm just really naive but and I obviously we spoke about it before like you see like loads of really happy relationships on Instagram and stuff and the messages we get daily about like I got one this morning my partner of three and a half years has been cheating on me the entire time and it's just like I want to have faith there's good people out there but you just hear so many stories and like the ones we get like when people are like pregnant or literally giving giving birth and they'd like yeah there wasn't there an email that we read that she had like

her partner had like left as she gave birth to go and be with us yeah there's a level of respect yes right your sexual needs might not be met but if you love someone you have to have that communication and you have to stick with each other through the hard times it's always going to be like that and it this really sorry this really riles me up at the moment because i just feel like i'm seeing it everywhere so like so many people and i don't want to generalize i'm not just saying it's men who cheat I'm absolutely not because I know I know people have had it done the other way around but I would say there's certainly a higher percentage of men who are cheating on women because I do think a lot

of it has got to do with this like priorities shifting in when you have kids it isn't so common and it's but I think again it's an ego thing I think you had this like very stereotypical when you're just partners you're each other's priority a baby comes along and then the mum's priority shifts to the child where the husband's priority or partner's priority still sort of remains on the woman and as they're not getting what they used to get instead of communicating it because I don't think that's maybe a lot of men's forte they then just instead start getting attention elsewhere and it gives them that ego boost and oh actually this is what

I'm missing and hindsight is a wonderful thing like I agree like what you said Jess that I would put in more of a I don't know like a conscious priority to not making them feel that way because at the end of the day like your kid you're bounded to for life like you have that bond with them that love with them that's like what's the word like in unconditional unconditional it's unconditional whereas with the person you're choosing to be with you're choosing to be with that person I feel like that's a completely different kind of love like the fact you're making that conscious choice to be with someone you need to pour more into that because it's not unconditional because it's a choice do you know what I mean yeah I agree yeah a hundred percent yeah so something I wanted

to ask and like obviously if you don't want to talk about it it's completely understandable but um you've you suffered a loss didn't you yeah yeah yeah that was do you know what i'm actually okay talking about it i feel like i've healed a lot from that now um so you know it's okay yeah i did when when was when did that happen in relation to when you had presley you had presley in 2019 yeah and i it was 2020 so actually the gap with that was quite close. I forgot how close it was. I think I was actually still breastfeeding when I conceived Presley. And yeah, I don't know.

It was, I mean, obviously I was happy. I wouldn't say I was happy in the relationship then, but I was, you know, I was happy that Presley would have a sibling and you know all of that like it's it seemed fine it's a bit like nervous and stuff because so close in age um and yeah it was weird it was like I don't know if I knew something was like wrong at the start I sort of it was weird it was almost like I had like a gut feeling but um yeah I went into premature labor like halfway through my pregnancy just out of nowhere remember it was around the 20 week mark wasn't it yeah and um yeah about halfway through and 30th November 2020 I had him and yeah there was nothing they could do

like he obviously the waters and stuff surrounding him and had gone and i was losing a lot of blood and stuff um so yeah that that sucked it sucked more than i thought it it was not not more than i thought it was because that sounds really weird um I would just remember being in this like weird hole for like three four months oh and it was over Christmas as well so that that was really tough like crazy tough and was that lockdown or no was there a lockdown that Christmas yeah were we just coming out of it or was a little bit no it was wasn't it there was a second lockdown I believe that Christmas I think so yeah yeah do you think that that had any strain on your relationship oh 100% like I remember coming out from the hospital just like being like what the hell just happened um and you know there was a lot of like I remember he there was there was blame at one point and things like that and it was

yeah I think it got quite it almost got a bit toxic I guess um I guess time when you need each other most and sometimes it's things like that that actually push you further apart from each other yeah I think so I think it's make or break in that kind of situation yeah if you don't mind me asking you and don't feel like you have to answer this when you go into like such an early labor what actually is the process is it treated like a just a like as if they're full-time but like did you like do they make you aware that this obviously is going to go the way of a miscarriage like a really called a miscarriage is it it's if you class it as one because if it's not 20 is it 24 weeks they can't do anything outside to try and save the baby sort of thing

although they can be born my my youngest sister was born at 24 weeks really yeah oh and what yeah that's crazy and she's a healthy 31 year old yeah yeah that's it crazy it was in hospital for obviously ages and you know my mum had to have her womb removed it was like it was an awful traumatic thing but yeah 24 weeks it blows my mind I just remember going in and being like I was bleeding and I think we can just get bleeding can't you yeah yeah and I was like oh no it'll be fine it'll be absolutely fine and then like it just started getting so heavy and I was like why is this happening like so weird and then I remember staying overnight and I was feeling positive and thinking oh you know everything will be fine and I remember because my waters went with

Presley and um I remember just like leaning off the side of the bed thinking I really need to go for a wee like desperate and like they just like went my waters so like they rushed in it was like they took me down to a delivery they do take yeah that I think that's the weirdest part is that you go on like a normal labor ward you go in the same bit. Essentially, I remember hearing women giving birth. That's so awful. It was weird. But they then do, once you sort of like, I went up to like a bereavement, it's like on the top floor, it's called like a bereavement suite, which is really sad.

That's obviously where people go if they know their baby's going to not make it or it's going to be you know stillborn and stuff and I just had to wait I had to wait and it was like the worst and the longest wait of my life and I just remember being in that top room it was like almost like more like a bedroom and I went down no but the hardest part was that, so because of the COVID thing, I could only have one person with me. So I had him, you know, my ex to start with, and then I just wanted my mum. So she was the one that was with me. Yeah, they took me down to the actual delivery room

and gave me, like, loads of, like, morphine and all of that and I just had to wait I literally had to wait and it sounds awful but I remember just I remember getting up just completely drugged up like awful and I remember going to the toilet and that generally happens quite a lot I think when they're very small um and the midwife was like don't move like i can you know he's coming out it's so weird sorry if that's too much detail and then that was it he was out they cut the thing and and it's weird because the placenta and the cord and everything it's all the same size and and then it's over and you're just like okay this is very weird it's all very silent it's just odd and then I remember going up to the top

and I didn't know what if it was a boy or a girl at the time and they brought him in and I spent a bit of time with him I mean he was he was so tiny like you know like so so small and yeah like I spent I don't even know if it was that long it was just so also weird and then then you they give you a box and then you start talking about planning like a funeral and then and then you go home it's like what the fuck just happened yeah I can't even imagine like I've never really I mean obviously what is it you think about it if it hasn't actually happened to you but no it's really sad to then think that you're with someone I suppose you spent like the previous 20 odd weeks like imagining your life and your child with a sibling for it to then be taken away did you see I know you said like for a few months after that you struggled did you ever go and seek like therapy and help or I do but I went down like

we've been being totally honest I went down a bit of a slippery slope of drinking alcohol and sort of just like it was Christmas time and I just was like trying to numb everything yeah a little bit of skate it wasn't great um and then I just and then I just had to crack on and then it's it's not till now um that I'm getting like therapy and things like that now for all the stuff that I don't think I dealt with yeah but I think it's still it still hits me of course like I think for me the hardest part was is like seeing Presley and thinking oh how similar would they have been obviously you know like you're having two boys and things and like you know would they have been little best mates and I if I see two like boys together I get emotional I speak about like that um I still like

I mean it's like there's a there is like a missing part do you know what I mean yeah I think it's amazing that you're now seeing someone and actually going back and dealing with things that you obviously feel like you didn't because I think when people sometimes leave it that long, they almost feel like, oh, do you know what? Like, I'm fine. It is what it is. But I think it takes quite a lot of, like, courage. Sometimes it's hard to seek the help in the moment

because I think sometimes, and it depends on different people, I think sometimes you have to feel the feels. Like, for me, I haven't had any therapy from what I went through this year, but it's only now. Actually, this morning I was having a look online and I thought this is something I really want to do for myself. And it's not just stuff from this year. I think things that have happened in my life this year

have triggered things from the past. And I feel like only now am I ready to kind of tackle them and try and heal from things that I thought I would maybe been pushing. Yeah, it's never too late. Never too late. So I feel like it's really good that you're now doing something about that because sometimes I don't think you realise, like I think what we mentioned in last week's episode like sometimes like out of nowhere you're suddenly like realize actually I actually think that's a bit of a trigger for me that must have come from this

which I never even really realized was an issue so actually kind of working on that is only gonna as well like I was set like you were set you can self-sabotage can't you if you've not like fully healed from something it's like those habits and those behaviors like you end up self-sabotaging your whole life and your whole relationships and your whole like obviously anxiety was something that was a billion times worse after that and i was so scared that um i was to lose Presley and like that was just drilled in my head I was like something's going to happen because it's almost like that innocence has gone like when you witness something so raw and think oh my god you can actually lose it like

a child and a baby you're like how like I thought the world wasn't like that. And it's almost like your bubble gets popped. What do you think was your main struggle with becoming a single mum? Like you said that you ended the relationship. We have spoken quite a bit about the fact that I felt I healed from the person I was with a lot quicker than I thought I would but I still do even to this day a year and a half down the line still struggle with that kind of like concept of doing a lot of things as a single mum rather than that kind of family unit yeah the family unit yeah I actually think that's what I craved more afterwards like I remember because I don't think I was in love anymore and all of that I don't think but I remember being so heartbroken and like I remember pacing up and down thinking I can't do this like and then I you know miraculously met

the partner and I think you're just in this like bubble again but that's the thing it's almost like you heal like you when you jump from that it's it's actually not a good thing um but yeah I find that really hard like I do the weekend just gone um prezzy it's but you know they go through their phases don't they where they could be really naughty for about four or five days and you're like what are you doing devil child seriously like what'm like, seriously, like, what is wrong with you? And I did all sorts of them. Like, we went to the Christmas lights and, you know, you like to plan all these nice little things with them. And we did breakfast with Santa and I took him to the Christmas markets

and the fairgrounds. And, oh, my God, he just had the old time. He was, like, just horrible to me. And I remember sitting down on the Sunday and just feeling so deflated and crying my eyes out and thinking this is fucking lonely and I'm and I feel like I'm not good enough and I thought and that's when it hit me and I was like this do you know what this is fucking hard it is really hard um there are moments like that and you probably have those a lot too it's yeah it's rough it's not that you're missing that

person that you had the child with it's just kind of like the support it's having no other adult to kind of like bounce off of and then like let you in the evening once you put your kid to bed yeah you put your kid to bed and then it's like oh my god that was horrific like we're together stuff like like well you said like it sounded like you had a pretty full-on weekend like I did that the other week and in my head I was like it's gonna be like the most amazing magical weekend we've got all these activities going to be wonderful and most amazing, magical weekend. We've got all these activities planned. It's going to be wonderful. And then you're like, I mean, that's stressful even if you are with. Why did I bother?

That's stressful like if you are in a couple with their dad. But on the road, it's like triple, triple, like a billion times harder. And when we drove back from London, I just burst out crying. And I was like, I'm just trying to be the best mommy to you and you're doing this and it's so overwhelming and I just think what like one thing I just keep reminding myself is like kids are gonna be kids yeah I'm like he's I used to think it all the time we're like they think I'm not good enough but that's just like it's not a personal thing it's not that we're not good enough and like I think the fact they can be like that with you says like you are their safe space they feel safe enough to be able to be like this angry version of

themselves I always feel I don't know what I sometimes try and take a step back when Theo's like acting out and I'm like because you feel safe doing this around you you feel safe you feel safe it's hard like it's really hard do you know what I did like the opposite like the weekend just gone I had the kids and I woke up on the Sunday I was meant to be taking them into London for an event and then I just thought I just don't have the energy and we ended up staying in our pajamas all day. We watched a film together. We did some painting.

And at first, I had this like immense amount of guilt. Because especially around this time of year, you're seeing everyone on Instagram do these really fun Christmassy things with their family. And then I'm like, oh, my kids are stuck at home. But do you know what? It was the most like wholesome like bonded day like it was I feel like we actually all really needed it and it's just made me realize sometimes we put this massive pressure on ourselves to make sure we fill the kids weekends with like really exciting things where we have to always go somewhere have to be

doing something but sometimes it's the really simple things that you do with them that they do still appreciate 100 there's sometimes they're some of the best time and actually to put a spin on that I actually do find that there's actually quite a nice side to do on your own sometimes I sometimes I feel like you know amongst all the hardness I feel like sometimes he gets the best of me gets my full like and I love that one on one time with him what's your split like with your child care

so his dad picks him up from school on a Wednesday and has him and takes him to school the next day so I get an evening off on a Wednesday which is handy um and then every other weekend yeah so yeah I feel the same I feel like where I'm getting that weekend to do me and do things I want to do and to I don't know like rediscover being Carly because I

completely lost myself in motherhood I completely lost myself in my marriage I kind of lost sight of doing everything I enjoyed doing and it was just all about the kids and I feel like now I've got this time and I feel like I'm having fun again and I'm laughing again and I feel like when I'm with my kids now, they are getting such a better version of myself and I've really felt like the shift in how I am with them. I feel like the difference in Theo's behaviour, not being in an atmosphere that I don't even think I was really aware was so negative until I've taken a few steps back and

been like ah like I just find I don't know I find I think they probably get a better version of their dad as well and I think that can only benefit the kids and I think in our heads we just have this pressure of it being like a two-parent home and the fact is there's so many people in this day and age who aren't like that because I think people are getting braver to walk away from relationships. I know like particularly in my parents' generation there's people who are now coming out as like gay who were married for years and years but it wasn't acceptable at that time to be homosexual and now they're stepping away from their marriages and I feel like I don't know I think people are graver and I think things are more acceptable and

actually I don't think necessarily being in a two-parent home is the most normal thing anymore I think it's I don't know I'm very much aware of I think until you are a single parent you don't realize how many single parents there are yeah we're crazy you don't realise how many single parents there are. Yeah. We're crazy. I don't really know many. No, but I guess we're now being approached by so many. It's like, there is this massive, like, you know, yeah, that's what I was looking for. Stigma.

Yeah. Like, I went to the Santa thing at the weekend and it was all families and I was there, it was just him. And I just think there's, I think that hopefully that stigma is dropping a little bit because like, listen, we didn't choose this life. Yeah. Something that I wanted to bring up because a lot of people talk about this with us and we both haven't experienced this yet but you've obviously mentioned that that presley's dad has another relationship so how did that make you feel initially when there was going to be like another i don't want to say mother figure because no one's

ever going to be around him other than you but another woman involved with your child where you're not present. We've not been through this. Yeah, see, it's a funny one because obviously I'm well aware that obviously I got into a new relationship in the October. I broke up with his dad in April, May. So I did introduce Presley quite quickly, but I think there was a lot of like, I almost like knew when I met him,

I was like, this is not going to be like a short term thing. And I don't really know. I guess I was a bit angry as well. I was like, well, I don't owe you anything. Like you've done this, you've done this, you've done this. Like, I guess I didn't respect him. So I was like, well, it's my life and it's hard and I feel like this person's right so that was like my side of things and I can imagine it's hard to do that but I I think he got into a new relationship um

I was okay because I guess like because I'd moved on I was like well these things just happen like it's one of those things and then obviously I did want to know like more about who it was and what they do and luckily this person was I knew that she was good with children and stuff and I think she did adore him but it's nice that he was being loved and and looked after it's another heartbreak again like I am trying to sort of work through things with my ex-partner as such at the moment but it's like that you know he's asking all um but where's where is he though like he misses him as well and it's like another another like another person that they're missing and they've bonded with.

And you can't keep doing that to them. And then you feel bad. It's hard because there's like, there's this fine line between like, when you meet someone new, when you're no longer with your child's dad, you meet someone, you think that you're going to be with them long term. Eventually, when you get to that point where you decide to introduce your kids, you'd like to know they're going to get on. The thing is, I guess what I'm saying is, you know, when I got married and had children with my ex-husband, I had children with him and got married with him because I thought I'd be with him for the

rest of my life you're eventually going to find someone else that you think you're going to hopefully be with for the rest of your life so there's going to come a point where your kids will be introduced you can't sit and worry forever but what if this one doesn't work so I'm never going to introduce my kids but then flip side you don't want to do it too soon because because then you're potentially like getting your children involved in something that they don't need to so it's kind of finding that balance of like you can never be absolutely certain that your next relationship is going to last but quite equally eventually if you want it to work your children are going to need to be involved because they're your life I think you need to get to the point as well like for me it will get to a point where like i'll want to know my kids get on with him

yeah vice versa i mean yeah but it i think it's also scary as well like being i don't know it's not something i ever thought i'd be doing i i presumed i would be married and happily ever after and all that so you guys have got new partners and what about your exes do they not so I've I've got a new partner he has no children so there's nothing in regards to me I haven't met anyone else's children he's met my kids yeah my ex soon-to-be ex-husband as far as I'm aware doesn't have a partner that hasn't met anyone else um not serious enough anyway for me to be aware of it them to be introduced to the kids yeah my boyfriend's got kids um and my ex-husband I believe is with someone but how serious it is I am unsure I hate that you can't control not that

what goes on so it's almost like you're not there yeah you start a frightened standard and you try and raise them to be a gentleman and you know to be in touch with their feelings especially you know I'm trying to be like that with Presley a lot and um you know he's turned out to be like that with Presley a lot and you know he's turned out to be like absolutely wonderful you know great but then I can't I can't control what his dad's doing the fact that he's bringing people into his life very very quick he's going to be like normal

where's he going you know is he staying at somebody else's house like it's fucking and that's again I'm like fuck I struggle with that yeah it's something that as I said like we haven't yet experienced it and I don't know how I would feel if my ex was introducing my kids to you know people that maybe were right at the beginning of a relationship or you know you really want as you said you want to

set these standards and you hope that they return it but unfortunately which I think we're still learning yeah is you cannot control how other people behave and it's gonna happen isn't it there's gonna come a time where they'll be in and you know what I actually actually am verging to a point where I'm thinking actually if he's genuinely happy, it's only going to benefit my kids. And that is my number one priority. That's the thing I struggle with is I'm very specific with how I do things and how I want my kids to be brought up and the values and I think even particularly as boys like similar to you were saying Jess like I really want my boys to know like you should never be afraid of your emotions and to be able to speak about them because I think that is something a lot of men in our generation aren't able to do well and I want I want them to know there's no stigma around that and you can't tell someone how to parent and I think that is the hardest thing. So I feel like I'm very much like, I don't know, I kind of like educate myself in terms of parenting.

I follow a lot of parenting accounts with parenting tips and this and that because I want, I don't know, I want them to learn. I want them to, but you can't, you don't know what's going on. They do say as long as your child has one and they only need one, like solid, caring and supportive parent, they're fine. I'm not saying my kids aren't loved and cared for like with their dad they absolutely like he adores them and they are happy there but I just think I find you've got

a relatively similar split in terms of it being every other weekend but I find like they can go and like just have a really fun weekend where it's not like the parenting I feel like I do. And so I feel like often I have to put a lot more boundaries in place or I feel like I deal with a lot more crappy behaviour and day-to-day issues and the washing and everything else on top of it, whereas I feel like it's not the same when you've only got them for a weekend and you're going to these fun places. You're not having to put loads of things in place.

But do you know what the flip side of that is? Maybe that was best. Oh, I'm not. No, what I mean is like, you know, yeah, same. But, you know, sometimes I do sit there and I think to myself, like he doesn't have to do that like mundane. He probably has like two outfits of theirs to do the washing. And I'm still, even when I don't have the kids,

I'm still being a mom. I'm still worrying about that doctor's appointment. I need to be, oh God, he needs to have his flu vaccinated. You know, all those things that we still need to do. And I think to myself, it is annoying. They do pretty much just get to be a part-time dad in the nicest possible way.

But then I think actually, then that means I get to really choose how they're brought up, how I parent, how they're taught right from wrong and the morals that I want to put on them. It's peaceful. Yeah. I think we're grown as well at the same time. Like it can be quite a peaceful place

and you've got nobody telling you what to do or how to do things. And I sometimes find a man, like don get me wrong like it's it's like having another child and you know what and that is where I think you know that you're not with a man you're with a boy this is there if you feel like you because I saw this thing on TikTok and it was saying like you need to have a man that's so comfortable in his own masculine energy to allow you to be in your feminine because we're already you know mothering our children and being that like strong supportive unit for like the family home and your children that you if you have to then be that way with a man you end up it's not attractive like you want to be looked

after and be feminine and sweet and cute and them to look after you like don't get me wrong i'm all for being an independent woman but a woman should still be able to be in her feminine energy with the right man i found it quite empowering like there's been loads of things that like i'm not gonna lie like i've never done a bin in my life until i became a single mom that i never in a million years would i have like mr worker i've had to like step up and do stuff like i've had to step up and get the giant spiders and you know i've had to i did that anyway i didn't spy did anybody how embarrassing yeah nothing spiders

i'm doing it sometimes i'm still struggling with the light bulbs light bulbs yeah you can do it like well but wait for me dad things like that that i i remember like the first time i did something that i'd always previously air in the tyre did you get air in the tyre yeah i don't need no man. Yeah. He is empowering because I think, I don't know, even things like last night, right? I was sat there,

I had the holiday on and I started wrapping up my Christmas present and I thought, oh, maybe you should feel sad right now you're doing this alone. I was like,

wait, you did this alone every single year. Yeah. It actually isn't any different. You sat there and watched Christmas films and wrapped presents

on your own. This isn't different and now I'm out of my marriage i realized i was lonely in my marriage i didn't have that connection i didn't have that best friend and that partner doing things of me and making memories so i was sat there last night ready to get all like emotional and sad because i was like i couldn't wrap my presents watch the holiday and I was like it's bloody brilliant like I've got no one moaning at me I'm literally did this on my own for the last however many years like I know I wasn't sad I was like you weren't freaking smashing it girl like you're nine months into doing this on your own it's your first Christmas you're wrapping presents you're not crying like I don't

know I think sometimes we need to celebrate how far we've come I think a lot of people consider things like relationship breakdowns or marriage endings as like a failure and I don't think it is I think it's what you make of it and if you can walk away and you've learned a lesson from it or you've learned what you want to take into future relationships with it you've absolutely not failed you've only grown and I feel like I'm sat here nine months on feeling the most confident in myself like knowing like I can give my kids the best possible life and no man is gonna whether he's in or out my life is gonna stop me doing that sorry yeah i think this like that is amazing like it is absolutely amazing and absolutely smashing it jess like literally like look at everything you've achieved on your own like you do so well with all your social media stuff i think it's i've followed you for

absolute years and i think it's been so inspirational watch you because i remember watching you become a single mum because theo and Presley are really similar ages I remember watching in awe of you becoming a single mum and I think like I've probably been for some people I've found that really helpful navigating like my own set of circumstances I think when you are on a public platform you're sharing how you're kind of like adapting and you're smashing life and you're still getting on with things I think that gives other people hope that they can too yeah and I feel I'm always like a strong really everything happens for a reason I know that's so cliche but I do think that like whether it's to prove to yourself so how strong you are and that you deserve better and like the universe does that to you to put you on a better path anyway so

yeah I do feel like I am rubbish in social media now like I don't really share like the mother stuff and that but again that said something on my own I'm sharing more of that again it's like I'm you know I kind of I've lost who I was along the way at times yeah I think it's easily done yeah I think it's actually sometimes really therapeutic when you share things on social media and like that because then you do get that response from people realizing actually I'm not the only one that's going through this I'm being relatable to other people helping other people through it and those people believe it or not the messages I get of people saying like, thank you so much for sharing this.

Like it's really helped me. That message actually helps me because I'm like, okay, like you guys are the only one doing it. Yeah. So obviously like being present on social media, like what you do and kind of like what you share do you feel like I mean I probably I know the answer to this anyway but do you feel like I don't know you get negativity or trolls and like how have you felt like that's impacted you because obviously it's we've both experienced a lot of yeah yeah I think like I feel like I'm quite lucky i don't get too much of it but it's very like i was what people call the mum place and isn't it

or the karens oh you shouldn't be having him in his car seat like that and pull the strap up you know you should be the other way around you think oh fucking hell but um yeah like it can it can be a lot can't it and you question yourself and you think like it's just not really needed how do you deal with like any negativity I think I'm pretty good at just like brushing it off to be honest I'm trying to think of things when yeah I'm pretty good at just like brushing it off to be honest I'm trying to think of things when yeah I'm pretty good at brushing it off it's when it's like the the proper trolls that are really really vile like I've had a few like horrendous things said to me and it's very few and far in between but when they do it's like when they comment about your children, like the way they look or, you know, something like that. I had that a few weeks ago, actually.

And I feel like it was someone that knows me. They say that, don't they? They say that, like, the people who do things like that are normally someone who knows you. They took it too far and they were like, your son's ugly and like a sick face and i was like no um absolutely not and um i've been pregnant and people have said your child's gonna gonna die and obviously that was actually before um like things like that like really dark

stuff it's just a lot of people obviously just so unwell not right so not normal it used to really bother me yeah it's I remember like in the early days of becoming a mom I used to share like quite a lot I can't remember what it was and I I really struggled with it because I didn't really know what I was doing when I first became a mom and it's like having all those judgment and then people would say something well that was it mine was when with the early days Theo was still in the NICU and someone said something like he's an unhealthy weight because all I cared about was Instagram likes and that's why I worked out during my pregnancy and all this like crap and at the, I think when you're flooded with the hormones or like I'd never really been subjected to anything like that.

I really struggled mentally. And I think it's taken me like a good few years. I'm incredibly thick skinned now. Like I genuinely could not give a damn what someone I don't know or like is irrelevant and I genuinely could not care what they have to say about me because in all honesty I don't like everyone but I'm not going to sit there writing about them I just think the thoughts in my head and I move on with it you know I think they do have to be very thick-skinned to to put your life on a social platform um i think and i don't know if you can relate jess but i think when you do share things like relationships and breakdowns of relationships and then a new person

and people are going to judge people are going to give their opinion i remember i had quite a few people being like oh that was quick well you moved on. I'm sure you're the one that ended up doing the role. Maybe you cheated on her. And it was just a bit like, I've literally shown you probably like five minutes a day. Which was like for the love of my life. And you're also showing them to help them. Like that's, especially with you two as well,

like you're putting your life across and you're talking about the struggles of motherhood to help them. And then it's when you're doing that and then people take the piss it makes you think well fuck it i'm not going to do it i bet you guys have had a few moments like that because i know i am love you're like oh i'm not why do i bother yeah so it's like you just can't i think you just have to accept like there's always going to be someone who's, look, part of me feels good. I'm helping someone get their little kick of the day.

Like, if you need to write a bad comment, I have to reply. See, I don't reply. I have to reply. I can't help it. But I reply really, like, so, yeah, so, like, I got a message. It was actually yesterday. Yeah. And they replied to one of my reels sort of I spoke about like you know two happy homes is better than one and they replied being like

yeah you're happy home because you're a narcissist and they literally just like reeled off loads of things and I replied being like I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. Sending you lots of love. Because it just, I find it funny because I think those people like want a reaction. So I just like give them love. I'm like, I hope you're okay, babe. Imagine the kind of person who sits there and is like, oh, this person is really triggering me with their like openness. I'm going to go and write this really abusive.

Actually, I got a message the other day. I went on a date day and I literally shared a banana for the day and someone passive-aggressive in my loving question box wrote, lovely, kiss, kiss. Lovely to see you, happy, kiss, kiss. But where are the kids? I left them at home on their own to pimp for them. What do you think?

Do not question my parenting. I've just left them at home. I stuck the TVimp for themselves what do you think like do you not question my parenting like i've just left them at home i stuck the tv on and ordered them a takeaway pizza seriously they're with their dad like it's i i didn't know i didn't reply i was gonna write a passive aggressive comment but it's just i've got to help it it gives me joy well i can't like make me sad like because i do know people who do get really affected by it like i i know people have come off social media completely because um it impacted their mental health so much we want to say thank you so much for coming on and chatting with us and sharing things that um yeah you've just been really open I think it's going to be really helpful for people to hear like it's just nice to have someone that we can obviously relate

to as well like being a single mom it has its cons but actually also it does have its pros and you're doing amazingly and I think that really shows on your social media so and you look beautiful so you know yeah you show show me up you guys are absolutely special as well and honestly it inspires me to be to to to do more content and be more open about single motherhood because again you guys are helping so many people especially with your podcast as well like it's such a hard thing to navigate and yeah you're you're special there thank you so much thank you for coming on jess and make sure if you're not already following jess go and give her a follow on instagram absolutely fabulous and guys like subscribe share the podcast and yeah we hope you enjoyed it and we will see you again next week see you later bye