Not As We Planned - 27. We Broke Up

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

January seems to be a hard month when it comes to break ups and separation. We talk about this raw topic as one of us goes through the motions of a break up Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. So this week we are talking about something quite raw for obviously one of us. We are talking about breakups. And for those of you who also don't know, January is like the month of the year, particularly like I think the first. It's the 8th.

The 8th is like the day that so many people get a divorce. Obviously, I know I've had loads of messages and we've had loads of messages over the Christmas period of people's marriages and relationships breaking down and so we just thought it was a real and raw and current to top it yeah I actually had I had a message during the Christmas period someone saying to me like I've been listening to your podcast I'm planning on leaving my husband in the next few weeks and I think that women in general more so than men tend to get that moment where they know that their relationship is going to be ending before it ends I don't think many women unless obviously there's been like some big catastrophic event I think a lot of women take some time to process it first before actually ending a relationship. So this woman messaged me and it's probably the 8th of Jan

is probably that day or January in general for breakups, divorces, because I think who wants to end a relationship just before Christmas? All people hold on to maybe with such a magical time of year, things will get better, things will rekindle. And then once you get to January, which is a bit of a shitty month. Makes you feel rubbish anyway. A bit like, well, that Christmas wasn't what I hoped. It didn't help.

So there's nothing else to really hold on to. Let's do the deed and get divorced kind of thing so I reckon that's probably why the 8th of Jan it's like that first week of Jan and then you're like nope done yeah bye and actually I really relate to that because I remember this time last year so we'd had like Christmas together um but I don't know if I've ever said it on the podcast before but I've obviously said it to you before but when we were driving back from my in-laws last Christmas cannot explain how why what made me think it but I had this real overwhelming feeling that that was going to be the last time that I was doing that drive back for my in-laws and I didn't obviously say it to anyone I thought this is a really weird thought

to have like what the hell didn't think anything of it it actually I remember in the first week of January we sat down and I remember having a very open and honest conversation and saying, I feel like something needs to change. I feel like we need to start prioritising each other again because we weren't spending any one-on-one time together. You know, I pretty much laid my cards on the table. It's funny because I did exactly the same thing the January before that. Did you? Yeah.

We had a really, really bad Christmas. Things were really starting to fall apart and we sat down first week of jan and i said something needs to change we need to let more effort we need to start having sex you need to do this you need to do that and he like and i thought okay cool like hope and things improve like a month and then it just went downhill from there. So it's funny, isn't it? And like both have had that kind of like sit down chat and jam a year apart. But I mean, on that topic,

I actually officially got divorced. Woohoo! Yay! It's like the only dream of the day. So I am divorced. We got divorced on the 22nd of December. Christmas present. A lovely early Christmas present, birthday present for me.

So, yeah, at least that is done. Yeah, I know. It is like a massive relief and I'm planning a divorce party. So I'm really looking forward to so I promise you anyone that's maybe sort of like treading through the mud at the moment with their divorce there is an ending eventually I need to hear this right now god there is an ending eventually um but yeah I don't know if I start with the right I'm just by the start. I'm just kind of going to let you take the lead on today. It was interesting because I had broken up with my boyfriend.

We were together pretty much to the day a year, which is really, really shitty. And I took my advice and everyone else's saying go and listen to your podcast so I started listening to this podcast from the beginning and it's obviously really like weird like listening to yourself and being like I need to take advice from that said that half a year ago or whenever we started but what actually became really apparent as i was listening to that first episode which we called it's over and talking about like you know when did you know it was over yeah about this light bulb moment yeah about the red flags we spoke about you know like your love languages not being met and it's interesting listening

back in a very different situation and not actually being able to relate to a lot of it because so many people have messaged me saying, I'm going to try and not get upset. Sorry, this is going to be very up and down. It takes time. Heartbreak after divorce is so much harder than divorce. And I know to a lot of people that would sound really weird.

And I don't want to put anyone off opening themselves up to trying to find love again because I have absolutely no regrets. I've learned so much from it. But I think the end of my marriage, I don't really think I loved him anymore. Yeah. I think that, like I said, when women kind of like detach

and kind of like subconsciously plan to leave a lot sooner than they do or they're not in a good relationship, you start to like process not being in love that's I relate to that so much I feel like don't get me wrong I was heartbroken when my marriage ended I was really low I was depressed but I really think looking back it was about the breakdown of my family rather than the person yes I felt let down by him yes he was my person I spent 17 years with him but I looked back at so much and I was sort of like

I don't really know what what I was holding on to it was habit so I think like your next relationship after divorce you've got a completely different um mindset of it you know you're you're making sure that you don't miss any red flags you're I went into the relationship with him very much knowing I'm either going to marry him or he's going to be my biggest heartbreak. Sadly, it's the latter. But he taught me that you can love after divorce. I also, and I know it's so cliche, love isn't enough. Like, I'm sorry, I feel like people listening to this

are just going to hear sniffing for the next thing or what. I feel like a lot of people will be able to relate particularly we said it's January this is going to be coming out in January you know. I feel like you know I've had a lot of messages people saying oh if you love him and you're so upset why have you broken up but sadly and this is the prime example of love isn't it enough there's so much love there. And it makes it that much harder because with my marriage ending, I was really desperate for it to work. And he wasn't. But I was desperate for it to work for the wrong reasons,

like not wanting my kids to be from a divorced family, breaking up your family, doing the whole single mum thing. I don't think anyone obviously plans for that to be the case but when two people still have so much feeling for each other like looking back I'm really proud because the person that I was a year ago when I first started dating him wouldn't walk away from someone like him like I want to make it very, like I'm not going to go into too much detail, but there was no cheating. There was no lying. There was no disrespect. We just sadly do not meet each other's needs.

And I think also when you've got children and the other person doesn't, and I'm not for a second saying that this has broken down because he doesn't have children. doesn't and I'm not for a second saying that this has broken down because he doesn't have children but I feel like you've got to be on the same page with everything that works for the kids as well like he was amazing with my kid yeah he really really was and I know I've had backlash about oh your poor children I can't believe you introduced him um I don't really care what people think I if I hadn't introduced him to my kids I'd still be with him eventually in order to spend the rest of your life with someone your kids are going to need to be introduced so I don't regret it it got me to where I am now, knowing that we aren't right for each other. I haven't told the kids yet. I'm unsure how I'm going to say it or what I'm going to say,

or if I'm even going to say anything. Kids are fickle, my kids especially like they will meet someone in the park and we're leaving and they're like I'm gonna miss them so much they they love really hard but they also forget really quickly and then I know they're not going to forget him quickly but it's something again I'm going to get advice on because obviously I really care about saying the right thing and my kids are quite emotional children um but I think like we've said before and it is very cliche and I'm really really trying to take my own advice on board every relationship is a lesson like you I don't believe in regrets I don't believe that you know oh how like don't get me wrong I've said this to my friends while I'm sitting there crying I'm back to square one like I've done a whole year and I'm back to exactly where I was the

day before I met him but no no like I know I'm not I know that when you're really upset and you're wallowing and you're grieving, you're like, oh my God, I have to start all over again. But he has taught me and helped me heal more than I ever would have on my own. Yeah. When we were talking about the trigger episode, those things I'm now aware of because of him, not because he triggered them I got them from my my marriage but he allowed me to witness things that I still need to work on um breakups are

fucking shit they really really are they are I think the worst thing to go through and when we spoke about like you know relationships ending right at the beginning of the podcast I think that it wasn't very raw for me so you forget but I remember like well I listened to it I was like you know you just gotta get up it's really good when you've got the kids and you keep busy. But actually, this time around, I've really had to, like, feel it more. Because I sometimes think avoiding it and keeping really busy and pretending like nothing's even happened delays the grieving process. So, yeah, I have had days in bed. I didn't get out of bed till 8pm the day after we broke up.

The no contact thing is obviously very different because I've never experienced it before. And it's quite ironic because I remember saying the hardest thing about getting divorced or separating from your partner when you've got kids is you can't do the no con yeah I remember us being like oh and you have to see them all the time and you just can't move on and I struggled with that massively and my biggest struggle right now is that there's no reason to talk to him. And I know long term that is the best thing, but it is absolutely crippling to be with someone.

I suppose you spoke to him every single day for the last year. Honestly, we spoke 24-7. And then this person is your best friend and then they will become a stranger. Like that is what is heartbreaking. Don't get me wrong. I know anyone listening to this that's going through a divorce or separating from their kid's dad,

they're probably like, oh, I'd love for him to be a stranger. But I think when you break up with someone that didn't do wrong, it's a different set of circumstances, isn't it? It's just fucking heartbreaking. It really really really is um so i did break the no contact after like 12 hours um and then broke it and then he broke it after four days but now i think we've had like proper closure and I also feel like I never really got that with my marriage and now I'm being contradicted because I think I've said through my healing journey you

can't expect to get closure from anyone else but yourself and I do still believe that but I think that both of us deserved a proper nice goodbye after a year of like a really lovely relationship and I think that's why both of us broke the contact because we didn't get that and although it's I'm not even going to say it set me back breaking the contact didn't set me back it allowed me to maybe move slightly forward but hurt more because for those four days that we had no contact or maybe it was even three I spent every waking moment staring at his whatsapp is he going to message me is it going to start saying typing I'm looking at his instagram which he doesn't even fucking use I don't know why I was looking

at it but you know you're like this is going to sound probably quite insane but I'm sure people can relate I would look at my phone I'd go onto his whatsapp and I'd see that it would say online and that was the closest connection that I got to him so I just stared at it and I was like okay I don't know where he is or what he's doing but I know that right now we're both looking at our phones I know that sounds so mental, but it was the only way to feel like I was remotely connected to him. So I think that although talking again, seeing him again, going through it and having like a proper goodbye was the most painful, most emotional thing I've ever done in my life.

I had chats with my ex-husband, but it was like talking to a brick wall because he showed absolutely no emotion. And I think he could have literally been asleep. Like there was just nothing there with him in the chat that we had. Like you could see the pain in both of us. And I'm not for a second saying it's so much nicer when you see the person that you love in pain but there is definitely a different experience to knowing that we're both mutually her upset and lonely rather than talking to someone that's like sorry so disengaged you're not ever in this relationship was this all me so there is something

very different uh the pain and the heartbreak is harder but i sort of know that i'm walking away from this relationship not necessarily like damaged like although i've got a lot of work to do it's healing work rather than like yeah now he's gone and ruined my trust again like do you know what i mean like i feel like it's a different type of work that i'm gonna need to do i'm still very much in that mindset of it hasn't made me think like i don't want to ever be with anyone again because i can't bear the heartache. Don't get me wrong. I'm really, really fucking hope that I don't have to go through this again. But I still believe that like,

I will meet someone that is right for me and obviously better for me. And how exciting that like, I don't know, you were with someone who you thought you'd potentially be with forever and they've taught you a lot of things like I feel like the fact like you know you have the capacity to love again and like how amazing that you also know like you can hold your boundaries you can hold

like a firm thing of what's important to you and like know that you're not gonna just compromise on things anymore yeah I think that's a really like strong and amazing place to be in but it I feel like like a hundred percent I think relationships whether we they last forever or whether they don't they all teach us something we learn from every heartache we learn from every hard lesson whether that's you know going through something awful or whether it's walking away from someone you you love but you know it's not right for you it's all it's all lessons and I genuinely think it means there's someone more suited to you out there I know it's all well and good me sat here saying that now and I know

it doesn't help how it feels but no I mean like I like I said the person I was a year ago would wouldn't have left and don't get me wrong I've sat there in the last few days and and have worried that I'm going to regret it because throughout my whole marriage, all I wanted was to feel loved. Be able to trust someone. And I had those two things. But I think the reality is that sometimes those things really are actually the bare minimum. So what I was lacking in my marriage, I now know I can definitely have because I had it. But sadly, it is a bare minimum.

You don't realize it at the time. Yeah, like trusting someone. I've never actually sat and thought of it like that. That is a bare minimum, isn't it? Trusting someone. Why would you be with anyone you can't trust? Why would you be with anyone that doesn't make you feel loved? I've felt loved like I've never felt in the last year.

And that's why I think I'm scared that I'm going to regret it. But I shouldn't ever be with someone that doesn't make me feel those things. Do you know what I mean? So I feel like a lot of the time when relationships are breaking down and you may not feel like your needs are being met or there's just something that's telling you that things aren't right or you're maybe not on the same page with things I feel like people always say but do you love him does he love you like that is all that matters but sadly it's not like don't get me wrong it's obviously vital but having the strength to walk away from someone that you love and you know loves you and you have the same values is so difficult. But also, sadly, I'm not able just to think about myself.

I have three kids that I also need to think about. And I told myself from the moment that I separated from my ex-husband, I will never ignore my guy ever again, however hard. So I guess that's why I'm here, because I won't repeat history. I won't settle. And I don't like using that word because then it makes him sound like yeah was someone not good enough yeah he was he's amazing and we're just not right for each other um and it's heartbreaking but it's life like I think there are some people that you meet in your life and they have such a positive impact. And that's why I also think it's really hard to think that, like,

the no contact and, like, the thought of never speaking to him or seeing him again does break my heart because he's such a good person and he's the sort of person that I'd want as a friend if it was possible. But it's just not a thing um so yeah it's shit but I am proud of myself for having that courage to walk away from from something that was really good in my life. But it's just one of those things, isn't it? I think that, again, I've said, oh, I wish there was a reason to hate him.

Because then it's easier. You put your energy into that hate. Praying some shit. Yeah. energy into that hate and you know like praying some shit yeah but um i think going through uh divorce and having reasons to hate someone makes it i don't want to say easier because i know that when i was going through it i really it was really fucking hard like it really was and i don't want to invalidate anyone that's listening to this that's going through a breakup with someone that's completely

ruined them and broken their trust because that's so damaging it's damaging on your self-worth and it's it's like why wasn't I enough and all of this so I thought look no no breakup is easy I think whatever one you're living in in that moment is the one that you struggle with the most I guess it's it's just ironic that a relationship of a year is more heartbreaking for me than a relationship of 17 years is not how long you've been with someone and it's what they brought to you the you know we we we had plans like we genuine I genuinely thought that I was going to marry this person otherwise I wouldn't have introduced my kids to him I you know it was

four months after being with him and I think I actually we spoke about it last week with Jessica and I said at the end of the day when you get married to someone and you have kids with them you don't do that thinking it's going to end but sadly for us it did so when you're with a new person you have these plans and expectations again you don't know if that's going to end but you hope it doesn't so you're never going to know at what point it is okay to introduce your children because you didn't think your marriage was going to end so why are you gonna preempt you don't think of a relationship so I just think that again it's not about time yes okay if it's

like a few weeks or a month it's a bit too soon but I think every situation is different I have absolutely no regrets with my children being involved. They loved him. He loves them. And it also breaks my heart for him because I'm losing one person. He's gone and lost four. But it's life. Like, I'm never going to know if the person that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is right for me

until he meets the rest of my world, which are my three children. So, yeah, that's where I'm at. I mean, I'm not even a week down the line. It's actually, it's Thursday. It's a week from the first sort of we broke up, but then we saw each other. I'm just riding the wave. I think that my main advice for anyone is to really, really feel it. Like cry, like scream, do whatever you need to do, stay in bed.

like scream do whatever you need to do stay in bed but eventually you need to give yourself maybe a few days to do that if you even have the opportunity because of the kids yeah luckily for me it wasn't my weekend um and then once you've had that time to sort of like wallow, eventually shower. I've got a affection. Oh, dear. I'm sure I do. Oh, put some makeup on, get dressed, be with friends, try and keep yourself busy, try and eat. But look, as we've've said healing isn't linear yesterday i didn't

cry and i was literally like what what the fuck is going on like oh my god like but my no and i'm it's not being negative i'm not being a negative nancy being like oh well this isn't gonna last it's just realistic i didn't cry yesterday because i actually just think I'm I was like I ran out of tears on it I don't think I could have cried anymore I was so exhausted from crying that I was just sort of numb and then you know you can sit there and listen to the sad songs and read through the old messages and to be honest I did that and I felt like I needed to and sometimes I still will but then there's other times where you need to listen to that more upbeat music tidy your house do some online shopping I bought some fucking random shit I can't wait till then turns up I

cannot even tell you like what stuff I thought would make me feel better I was awesome just like I bought a tv unit I I don't even like it I can't um lord and and then I thought I don't even have any tools because they were all his so I'm thinking that went well um I just think that it's shit, but you have to get through it. And what would you say has helped you over the last week? The thing that really changed things was actually, this might not be the best advice, but I'm going to say it anyway because it helped me, was breaking that no contact because we broke up in a way that wasn't that nice.

We had had an argument and I just felt like we both deserved a nicer goodbye than what we had. And all my friends were like, don't contact him. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. He actually ended up being the one to call me. But had he not, I would have. Because he pretty much called me for the same reasons. I think we knew that it wasn't the way that we wanted it.

We didn't want it to end. But if it was going to, we wanted it to be a nice way. it would look like I don't want it to end but if it was going to we wanted it to be a nice way and as hard as it is it it's the it's now knowing that I know I won't message him yeah I don't want to ruin his yeah healing yeah yeah he's not going to message me because he'll he's going to do the same he's blocked me off social media which broke my heart but I know that it's his way of coping his healing that he needs to do and I think it's you go through a few days where you want to think about all the good and you can't believe that it's come to an end and you think of all the little things that you're you know there's things all over my house that remind me of him but I also obviously had that with my ex-husband because he lived there

somehow it hurts more with you know I've got a photo of him up on my shelf in my I haven't taken it down yet my birthday card valentine's day card like I've got a like an half shade bottle of his which has the smallest bit in it that he gave me so i could smell it not when we broke up i had it for months i think for me the next thing is going to be to get rid of it remove all of it i'm not one to throw things away i think it's unnecessary to like make it that hard for yourself i'm just going to get a box put it all in a box and put it in my loft um I think don't be so hard on yourself if you're having a good day and then you feel sad cry if you want to read back on some messages then read them but I think my main advice is not to be too hard on yourself

because I think that the more you hold back in feeling, the longer it will take to heal. Yeah, I agree with you. You have to feel to heal. Yeah. You do. And that's where i think men go wrong in all honesty i think they have that firsthand they dive into work they dive into sport and they

don't want to sit and feel because a lot of men don't like to sit there and cry i think women and men go through like heartbreak in such a different way. A lot of men will like go and sleep with loads of women. He's not that kind of person. So I know for absolute certain he won't do that. But I think that's maybe a lot of men's mistakes. They don't want to feel. So they find escape.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't escape your feelings. don't get me wrong now it's it's time to like you know yes it's only been a week but i have to start crying proactive so once you've done your wallowing and crying to sad songs and staying in bed, my number one piece of advice, and I have done it, and it's sometimes quite difficult to do, but you need to write down the 25 benefits of not being with that person.

And that is your Bible. That is what you go back and read when you're feeling crap. Now, I haven't managed to bring myself to read it since I've written it because I'm not yet ready. Do you know what? It's such a catch-22 because it's like, I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel this way. But there's a part of me that's like, but I don't want to stop hurting

because then once I do, then there's nothing there. I know that sounds really weird, but it's like I'm holding on to that pain because that's all I've got left of him. Yeah. I'm very, very lucky to have amazing supportive friends. Surround yourself with people, accept help, let people come over. Yes, I cancelled a few people. I just wanted to be on my own.

But right now I'm sitting my days and nights I haven't really been on my own yesterday four different people came over at different times of the day um and I'm also really really grateful for Shelly for anyone that hasn't listened a few weeks ago we had Shelly come on the podcast she's a relationship specialist life coach and I saw her the day after I broke up with him and she's called me everyday sins and actually feel really lucky I've got a final draft of her book that is coming out soon and it's it's about healing your heart. So it's really good timing. It's just surrounding yourself with support and trying to find those little bits of sunshine that like, you know, there have been moments where I suddenly like find myself smiling.

I'm like, oh, okay. Like, you know, you look at your kids do something and they're being silly and and like your heart feels a bit warmer and then you'll you'll find yourself like things will come back in my head like Rome was doing something silly and then it breaks my heart because they were so close but it's just a journey you just have to ride it and I don't want anyone listening to this like I said to make anyone feel like oh my god I'm with someone and I thought I was going to marry him what if this happens like it's just life some things come to an end, some things don't. And I guess I just need to strongly believe that he's destined for someone more suited for him. And hopefully I'm destined for someone better suited for me.

And I want only the best for him. And who knows what will happen in the future? Who knows whether our paths will cross again? Obviously, I don't want to like put that in my head but you don't know what's around the corner um I guess like sometimes I just sit there and I'm like I don't know how I got here like I think also like people said to me you probably won't realize that some of the heartbreak that you experience after a breakup from the first person that you've been with after divorce you're probably also still still slightly heartbroken about your breakup with your marriage

not the person but like I guess it is kind of that like, shit, like now I'm really back to being a single mum again. Do you know what I mean? Like I had that person and someone that I could go to and we did Sundays together with my kids. And now it's kind of like that replay of like, okay, cool, now I'm going back to doing that on my own. replay of like okay cool now I'm going back to doing that on my own but I think that's where I still need to like work on stuff like I've never really been great with my kids on my own

um I don't I don't personally think I probably ever will be I. I feel like there are some people out there that are really good at being independent and they're like, I don't need a man and I can do this on my own. And don't get me wrong, there's certain aspects like I know I don't need a man. Before I met my boyfriend, I was content in myself. I was content with not being married but I don't think I'll ever be content with being a single mum and I and maybe it's harsh for me to say that I don't

know if is is anyone like content with being a mum on their own like I don't know. Don't get me wrong. I'd rather be a single mum than in a toxic marriage with my kid's dad. But I'm a strong believer that humans in general are designed to be with a partner. Yeah, I agree with that. I think as humans, we want to share it with someone. I won't lie to you. Like, recently, I've done a lot with my kids on my own. And I like it just being us. I know that sounds really strange. But I feel weird saying this, but I feel grateful that I'm not having to manage someone else's emotions or someone else's moods. And I know it's just us three. And I feel like I know them better than anyone in the world. And I know what will work for us. And if it doesn't, then it doesn't.

than anyone in the world and I know what will work for us and if it doesn't then it doesn't and like I took the kids away on my own for a night stay in a hotel and like genuinely I had the best time like I felt so happy so content my kids were so happy and that obviously all I've got to compare it to is being in a not very happy marriage so maybe my view is distorted and maybe you know if and when the time comes for me if I was to do that with someone else there with me maybe that would have been even better but right now where I'm at I actually find compared to what I was living I I actually, in a lot of respects, and I've only really recently realized it, I find some elements easier being a single mom than I did married. But that's not everything. Don't get me wrong.

There's some massive challenges being a single mom. But I feel like there are some benefits to it for me. like there are there are some benefits to it for me and a lot of that is not having to manage someone else's moods and you know expectations and whatever so maybe it will come a time maybe as the kids get older that might be something you find easier because it is involved when they're younger they're more demanding they're more they need more of you and your attention and stuff. I think that the ages of my kids at the moment I think is the hardest that I've had so far. I'm not going to lie.

Having two six-year-olds opposite sex, they are literally at each other's throats constantly. Like I cannot tell you how... And then Rome being nearly three, sort of now starting to copy. I feel like they are just... I don't know what it is, like, you know. And maybe also my mood at the moment is having an impact. I do think they have their own atmospheres.

Yeah, I do. I believe that. I've just found the last few weeks very, very challenging with them. And what I now want to concentrate and really work on, obviously healing myself, but really trying to find maybe a way to kind of like enjoy my time with them more. I know that sounds really sad. I'm not saying I don't enjoy my time with them, but I just find, I literally find it's like three against one at the moment.

I feel like they are all trying to get my attention attack each other snitch tell on me like I don't know like I had a friend over the other day and she's she's a single mum and she's got one child and mine were literally just fucking mental like they are like they that my kids aren't they're not bad kids they're good kids but they've got a lot of fucking energy and they wind each other up and you give it five minutes and someone's hurt and it's like i told you not to do that you need to calm down don't jump on the sofa don't do this don't hit don't butt

and I feel like I'm trying to like split myself in three different directions none of them are listening and she literally looked at me and she went

you're I'm real because I can just about handle one and you've got three and it is fucking hard

like it is and then I sit there and think like who's gonna want to take on my three kids I can barely fucking do it so yes I appreciate hopefully that as they get older there's different challenges and then some things get easier and then you get like the teenage mood swings and all that shit but I feel like I'm hoping I'll be able to cope with that better I'll listen back yeah I'm gonna bring this episode up be like eat your words bitch do you know what it's really inspiring listening to ourselves back because I've never really done it before and I'm just trying to remind myself that when we filmed that first episode, I had gone through a breakdown in a marriage, been with someone for 17 years and I was okay in the end.

So that's exactly it. I can't remember what episode it was, but like I remember when everything broke down in my marriage thinking my life is over like that's it like I'm never gonna be happy again I'm gonna be a poor miserable I actually think mom I actually remember I can't remember what one it is I think it must be like one of the first four episodes you're like I don't really I don't want to meet anyone like I'd rather be on my own just me and my two boys like I don't want to love again I don't I don't want to meet anyone. Like, I'd rather be on my own, just me and my two boys. Like, I don't want to love again.

I don't want to be with a man. Like, all this stuff. And I was like, okay. Yeah. Well, I was still only, like, what? I was, like, four months in, maybe. Yeah. So, yeah, like, it is amazing.

Like, I think as well, like, I get messages all the time. Like, how are you healing and how have you got to where you are like how have you managed to let someone in and all of that and it's like what Tash says like look if you open up your heart that you're always at risk of having your heart broken or it not working out but I also think like love is and can be one of the most beautiful things and like to not ever let yourself experience that because you're scared of the unknown and you're scared of something that might not even happen you can't live in fear like I feel like you should base any decisions on fear no exactly and like look I'm not even gonna sit here and lie like

I don't think I've been an easy person to be in a relationship with based on my past trauma and based on my fears surrounding getting hurt that is what everything comes down to is could I go through that and it's only because of the person I'm with that I've managed to make it as far through this as I have and finally making headway with it but it's hard and look like I don't know where I'm gonna be a year today and I'd like to think I'd still be with him you can't spend your life avoiding things because you're scared. In fact, I think sometimes you have to feel the fear and do it anyway. And sometimes like the scariest things are the things that pay off.

Like I know even like even though your relationship didn't work out, think how much you've grown as a person, how much like you said, like you've healed in ways you wouldn't have been able to heal him without meeting him. Like you said, like you've healed in ways you wouldn't have been able to heal him without meeting him. So I think obviously like heartbreak is awful, but it's not without its wins along the way as well. And like I for all the people in my inbox, like how do you know when you're ready to meet someone? I don't think you really do know. I don't think you really do know. And if I'm being honest, when I met my boyfriend, I don't think you really do know I don't think you really do know and if I'm being honest when I met my boyfriend I don't think I was ready per se and again I feel like I've been able to be

with someone who's helped me heal in ways that I wouldn't have healed on my own and likewise with him I feel like I've been able to do that for him and I can't I'm starting to get to the point where you can't live in fear of what if and I also think if you spend your time stressing and worrying over the what if you're like reliving that twice like you're reliving the worry twice of if it happens and then god forbid when it happens um so yeah like, you can't be scared, can you? No, I mean, I do think that when you choose to open your heart to someone and love them, you are pretty much giving them a gun with a bullet

and it is pointing at your heart. It is. But I would rather love and lose it than not love. Like, I would. Like, i wear my heart on my sleeve like nothing i go through will ever change that it's just who i am yeah me too um and if you if your relationship doesn't work it one door closes please god another one opens like if i don't believe that then I'll go back to bed so I just need to believe that you know life has a way of

teaching you things and you just don't know what's around the corner so it's all a journey yeah so I really hope that I get to listen back to this episode in a year's time. And who knows what will happen. You're madly in love. I just want anyone that's listening to this that is going through divorce, separation, breakup with kids, without kids. I really, really understand exactly what you're going through right now and it is fucking shit and nothing anyone says is going to make you feel better you know I've had people say things to me like I just said like oh it's a lesson you're destined for someone better but in that moment you don't want anyone better you want that person but you just gotta take each day

hour by hour and just ride the wave and i've got to take my own older advice and know that yeah everything else is for a reason so yeah sorry for all the sniffing. Should we go through an email? We've had so many over the last few weeks. Okay. Hi, Tash and Carly. I've spent the last week binge listening to your podcast and it has really helped me so much. My ex left me on Mother's Day last year after an argument about him getting in from a gig.

He's in a band at 7 o'clock in the morning. We hadn't been getting on for a couple of months. I felt his behaviour had changed and we'd been arguing a lot, often caused by me reacting to him being selfish or thoughtless. Anyway, after he left, I tore myself to pieces thinking how differently I could have been and what could I do to make our relationship work. We have a son together who was 15 months when his dad left. I had a very traumatic labour and had suffered with suspected fibromyalgia since our son was born

so life wasn't easy. Two weeks after my ex left a friend of mine saw him out hand in hand with another woman. I confronted him and he initially denied it always do, sorry until I told him where he had been seen and he admitted he had been sleeping with her for a couple of months

about the same time the argument started. God is never wrong. Turns out he had had a fling with this woman about 11 years ago. She also turned out to be a friend of my sister's from the same period of time. My sister died seven years ago but had lost touch with this girl prior to this. My ex wasn't aware but she did and had chosen not to tell him i was so broken devastated never ever thought he was capable of doing this he told me how sorry he was but that he wouldn't be able to make our relationship work

because he knows i would never forgive him for what he had done even though i was begging him to let me try he told me he loved me and couldn't let me go, but he was addicted to her and couldn't promise me he would never see her again. I was then contacted by the father of her children, and from this conversation we established she had a boyfriend herself, had been sleeping with the father of her children and my ex. So yes, that is three men at the same time. She's a busy girl. How are you a mum and sleeping with three men planes?

No, seriously, how does that logistically work? I don't hear me suggesting I should do that. No, do not do that. Oh, half a show. Tired thinking about it. Oh, it just makes me feel like she needs a wash. I haven't... I've had the SDI...

I told my ex who confronted her, apparently she denied it at first, but then admitted it. So he said he was going to end things with her. Karma. Karma's a bitch. He told me how sorry he was, how he was going to give me the respect I deserved,

how he was going to show me how much I meant to him. Blah, blah, blah. And he acknowledged... Sorry, I don't know why I'm on one today. And he acknowledged he had been self-righteous. No one better cross me, I'll fucking knock him out. But he had to end things with her face-to-face verse. Well, I'm not sure what she said, but they have been together ever since.

Well, they're both mugs, deserve each other, babe. Their relationship was instantly broadcast all over social media, rubbed in my face, and they were just completely disrespectful and inconsiderate. I was in a very dark place and was in so much pain whilst being the main carer for our son. They didn't care that what they were doing were having an impact on our son because I was in such a bad place whilst trying to care for him. I pleaded for them to keep their happiness private whilst things were so raw. Apparently she wouldn't be told by his ex what she could and couldn't put on her social media. I asked if they could wait six months to introduce our son to her,

as this is the time I had waited to meet his older son when we had first got together. He agreed, however, I have been told by two people that they didn't wait, although he strongly denies it. I found out she had met my son when my ex brought him home and his new girlfriend, sorry, fiancé, they got engaged after six months, was sat in the car. This whole time he comes to the house to pick up our son or drop him off and acts like nothing has ever happened, like we are friends and just expects me to be fine with him. He sometimes comes in and has stayed for up to an hour on many occasions playing with our son, nothing has ever happened like we are friends and just expects me to be fine with him he sometimes comes in and has stayed for up to an hour on many occasions playing with our son making general

chit chat with me and acting like we are friends as soon as i say anything about what he has done making him accountable for the pain he has caused or i don't accommodate him with when he wants us on he turns nasty telling me how controlling i am that he thinks i'm better than that i think i'm better than people even told me once that he was going to stop paying his share of the mortgage so the house gets repossessed sounds like a nice guy and makes me homeless so then our son can live with him i really struggled to communicate with him because i am still so hurt and bitter about what he has done but he has made me a single mum that he is making me sell my home but he thinks he can cause all this pain and i should still accommodate him i watched him

being disrespectful to his older son's mum throughout our relationship and just don't understand why i don't deserve the same respect i need to find a way to move forwards to heal and co-parent with him at the moment that feels impossible i would be grateful of any advice you're able to give me thank you so much in advance i feel like i've got so much advice for you right now i also would say like a man like that just doesn't change like the fact you've seen him be like that with his the mother of his first son like he's done it to you he's gonna do the same to this other girl i mean the fact i feel like their relationship is based off so much disrespect anyway. Literally, I can't wait for the day that you look at his relationship with his new fiance. Fiance.

And like cringe because I feel really embarrassed for their relationship. I mean, I would feel like what's an escape you've had? Yeah, honestly, like, first of all, I think the first thing you need to be doing is setting some boundaries. And if he can't respect you and he's nasty to you, then he doesn't need to be in your house for an hour with your son. I think that you need to limit that contact and communication with him. And it can only be about your child.

As a routine routine you're saying something about how if he can't see your son as and when he wants that's when he turns nasty so having a set routine these are the days you see him you see them in this place and the things like i know initially like one thing i was doing in my co-parenting relationship was limiting that contact i have with my ex so my parents would have the kids and facilitate the handover sadly that's not something that's able to happen anymore but it definitely takes away like I always think like if you know there's like that hostility and you know like often it ends in nastiness or with words being exchanged that should not be happening in front of your kids

if you can reduce that meeting that in-person contact do it 100 and i also feel like you're saying that you still feel really like bitter for what he's done and he doesn't kind of like take any accountability i think that it's now time for you to kind of like take a step back stop throwing that at him he's never going to see it you need to kind of like take a step back stop throwing that at him he's never going to see it you need to kind of like get that acceptance from you I think you need to maybe do some inner healing on trying to like let go of that resentment because the longer you carry that anger that bitterness for I think it's harder to move forward eventually I promise you, you will look at him and his relationship and feel sorry for her because he, I mean, also, I feel, he obviously also has no self-worth because. And several STIs.

He has no self-worth, but he has several STIs. For sure. Like, his fiancée was also cheating on him like with other like there's just no trust the whole thing yeah you almost need to like look at their relationship and be like like cool like make out you're happy but yeah the best i understand the thing with the accountability that's one thing i really wanted was like that accountability from my ex you're never gonna get it and but i don't need it now yeah i don't need it i i know what i know what's happened yeah all i know is like there was an extreme amount of disrespect there and what i do know is i deserve better like that is like

like and that's how i feel like looking in in at another relationship. Like I feel like I am just grateful to be out of something that I wasn't being treated correctly in. I deserve more and I want more for myself. And that's where you need to get to. And you will. One day you'll look at their relationship and feel sorry for both of them because I'm embarrassed. I'm going to do a confession of the week. I'm going to do a confession of the week. I saw this one actually on a day that I was feeling really sad and it made me smile.

So I want to thank you for sending this because, yeah, you lifted me up that day. Hi, girls. Love the podcast. It's got me through some majorly rough times. So thank you. So my confession of the week is, are you ready for this? It makes me die. After I found out my husband cheating on me, I bought him a new toothbrush,

stuck it up my bum after I did a poo. And then popped it back in the holder and told him that it was a new toothbrush who was upstairs. He thanked me. I watched him brush his teeth with immense satisfaction, especially as he said he was popping out for a bit,

which was hopefully to see the slut he's cheating on me with. So hopefully she got some shit breath as well. You have to get your revenge when you can. Thanks, ladies. Honestly, I love you. Like, I love teeth brush stories. So wow. Yeah.

And do you know what? Like, even just like at the beginning of this episode, I'm not going to lie, I was dread rush stories. So wow. Yeah. And do you know what? Like even just like at the beginning of this episode, I'm not going to lie, I was dreading it. And you made it. And now I'm in. So like you just got to. Brad, the pain is. The thrill wins.

So yeah. Thanks guys, as always, for sending stuff in. Okay. So I've got a little affirmation to end the episode. If life can remove someone you never thought of losing it can replace it with someone that you never dreamt of having love that so true yeah so true so guys i hope you enjoyed the episode don't forget to like share follow and yeah we hope you enjoyed it please also like any positive feedback on spotify and apple keep

sending in keep sending in your emails we don't just want like your breakup so we we still want those but we want like the dating stories we want you know positive things after breakups after divorce we want funny we want everything anything send it in and we love sharing it thank you guys so much bye