Not As We Planned - 28. He Actually Spent the Evening In a Motorway Hotel

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

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Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. Should we do a little weekly catch up? Yes, I mean I have nothing to report. Let's just, that's fine, there's some weeks to work that. Yeah, I mean, I have nothing to report. That's fine. There's some weeks like that.

Yeah. I'm just riding my wave. Riding your wave. Yeah. That's all I have to report. On to you. I mean, the last weekend, what did I do? I had the kids at the weekend.

We went to the pan to mine. But now Milo keeps asking if the bad man's going to come into my house. Oh, God. And he said it at nursery yesterday. And they had to ask me. They were talking about a bad man's going to come into our house. Oh, God. And he said it at nursery yesterday, and they had to ask me. They were talking about a bad man. So I said, if he says about a bad man coming to our house, there's nothing to worry about.

It's the pantomime. Yeah, other than that, what's to report? Do you know what? Talking about pantomimes and shows, I did actually take Blake and Ivy to Frozen. I was there. So it was their first West End show, and they just couldn't grasp before they saw it

that it wasn't like a film they kept saying like oh is it the real people and I thought do you know what I decided to I wanted to explain to them that it wasn't actually the real Elsa and the real Anna I wanted them to understand what acting is, Ivy's like quite

into stuff so I said like all the real like Disney princesses and the people you see on TV they're all in America at Disney World and these are people that are putting on a show honestly I think I watched them more than the show just watching they're amazing they loved it it was amazing um so yeah it's little moments like that that you one thing i did do i took the boys away for a night away yeah why haven't i spoken about that on on my own really really amazing hotel this is an ad by the way like i paid for it i randomly got the idea in

my head one day and i knew what hotel i wanted to go to i looked at it and they had one room left and it was half price so i was like like, it's a sign, book it. What was it called? It was called the Ickworth Hotel. It was in Bury St. Edmunds. It was like Suffolk. So it was about an hour from here. It's a family orientated hotel.

So like they think about everything, which I love. Like there was a little station where you could just ask for cookies and milk. And like they had just like this. I know they had like a chilling room with filled with books and toys and they had a cinema and you get like per night stay you get 90 minutes of their child care which is like a crash and I booked it under the impression like there's no way my kids will go in I thought if they do if they do but I'm not going to put any pressure but they might want to and they both went in and then I was like sat there

like what am I meant to do and I really miss them and I nearly went and took them out because I was going to book um a massage and they were fully booked because I didn't book it because I didn't know if my kids yeah guys so it's a bit of um yeah but um they've got an amazing pool there we've spent loads of time in the pool they They're just so good with kids there. And I think the danger with that sometimes is you book stuff like that, but you don't necessarily enjoy it. You do it more for your kids. But I genuinely had like the best time with them.

It was, we called it our mini holiday and the boys haven't stopped talking about it. So yeah, go and check them out. I think they're owned by like a brand called like Luxury Family Hotels they have a few all over the country but really really good and proud of myself for just doing stuff that makes me scared yeah i love that it looked really cute so yeah we're gonna delve into some emails and just things that you guys have sent us because we're quite behind on them and we've got loads yeah so let's go into it and find some that we can go through so this one is called husband's member of staff turns out to be his girlfriend hi ladies i've recently come across your podcast after a truly horrific five weeks four weeks before christmas whilst waiting to put our tree up with our little girl, my husband

decided to end our marriage of five and a half years and relationship of nine and a half years with our two-year-old sat on my lap. It came as a complete shock to me and my whole world fell apart. I loved this man. I always gave him my all and was totally devoted to him. He suffered with mental health for 12 months, so I initially thought it was going to be okay. I suggested marriage counselling and kept very calm about the situation. Naturally though my heart was broken that it felt it was the right time to do this with our daughter listening. This came as a complete shock to me as although life was hectic I thought we were strong. We'd been talking about future plans for holidays just days before. He told me earlier on in the week how he was missing me during the day etc so it was a huge shock. I asked him why. He said that he wasn't

happy with me anymore but he also wasn't happy in our marriage and that I couldn't have done anymore. It was him. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me if there was somebody else. Did he want somebody else or had he made a mistake? He looked me in the eye and said no, I stupidly believed him. He said he will move out but continue to support the household financially and he wanted a normal Christmas for the sake of our daughter. He wants to co-parent well. He said I deserve better. Damn right I do. Over the next two weeks I cried a lot but I also accepted that people can fall out of love however his new routine of repeated late nights out with 2 to 3 a.m returns and general change attitude started

to make me realize there was more to this to my horror I found his ipad search history which is links to his phone that was sat looking for gifts for his girlfriend whilst taking care of our daughter it's always the ipad it's always the ipad nice come on like also like just a heads up guys if if your devices are linked your photos from your phone go onto your ipad just uh and would you know i'll tell you how i found stuff out it was when um you know obviously that passwords and stuff are saved on devices. So even if you log out of things, all you need to do is like, you know, when all your passwords. Yeah.

Yeah. So a tablet was left at home and I could just log straight back into everything. So just when I thought he couldn't hurt me anymore he did he looked me in the eye and lied to me i held on to this information as i had a big family party that evening that both sets of our parents were attending can i stop i don't know how people find out i did things like that and hold on to it like i i was just about to say women are amazing because i feel like that's so common but i i and i'm in awe of anyone who could but i remember once i possessed the information i had i i didn't it wasn't even a thought process there wasn't even a thought process like

hold on to this it was just all i i don't think i was even remotely in control of like what was going to happen i just yeah no i do get that i guess with her she's already grieving and like she's been what was it like i mean he's already ended the relationship yes wow and with me like i knew shit was going on so when i found it i felt like I needed to like take a step back and rise with the information whereas with you it was so like what the fuck that it was like attack so yeah she held on to this information he was not due to go to the party after the upset and it turns out after looking at his search history the next day that he actually spent the evening in a motorway hotel classic with his girlfriend that evening whilst i sat with both sets of parents at this party oh be so tempting to be

like by the way where's your son your son is a cheating prick i confronted him afterwards he said he hasn't had an affair and that he waited until he ended things and then fell for this girl just a week after. Oh, that's really funny. Sorry. It's the way that... It's love. It's the way that they actually think that these lies are believable. No, but I do think they get to a point where they believe their own lies, genuinely think they're like, this is a great one,

and then they actually end up believing what they're telling people. I know. Sorry. I just met her after a week of unmarried. We fell so madly in love. He refused to tell me who she was as he said there was too much risk in it. I guessed it right and caused his bluff

but I already knew who she was, the girl that he manages. He finally confirmed. I felt sick to my stomach. I've met this woman. She has a daughter a year older than our little girl. She was engaged and due to marry in 2020. Oh, I'm my stomach. I've met this woman. She has a daughter a year older than our little girl. She was engaged and due to marry in 2020. Oh, the lovely woman.

I say she's a cheating scumbag too. Which other? He's been telling me recently how she has been doing really good at her job and he's coming to promote her. Sorry, this really angers me. Oh, it's the way that he's talking about her to his wife. Well, it's just, oh, it's messed up. It's like, these men, they're pigs.

I can't believe that he's been having an affair with his employee. What's worse is if their affair is discovered at work, he would be instantly dismissed. Ding, ding, ding, ding ding ding ding light bulb i checked his work policy and it's correct since discovering this he has turned on me and is now blackmailing me what he's saying if i discuss this with anybody at his work we will lose our home as without his income we cannot make our money payment. I can't believe that my husband has risked our family home

and returned to sleep on our sofa after spending the night with this woman. He has since become worse. Over Christmas he was vile towards me behind closed doors. He is now thriving on the enjoyment of his affair and leaving me wondering what time he will return to our family home as he is not found anywhere to rent. Due to Christmas, do you know what aggravates me more than anything in life when the person that does wrong then gloats and is abusive

verbally and everything to the person that he hurt like that speaks volumes about about that person you've got to almost pity the person that is then going to be with that person and feel sorry for them that they're so miserable in their own life. It baffles me. I agree. The person that's done wrong is then the one who's... Man, Gary. Yeah, like they've been hurt. Like, are you insane?

Are you insane? I've asked him to leave numerous times and he will not until he has a home to go to. He is repeatedly letting our daughter down and just fits her around his new life. She is constantly asking where daddy is and it breaks my heart. I feel like he is purposely trying to spite me to make me angry, which would take away some of his guilt. I've since discovered the day he ended our marriage, he caught his girlfriend just 15 minutes after I left to go to my parents for

headspace. He is a compulsive liar. He is covering his tracks and hiding his disgusting reputation from work and getting away with it. I found the girlfriend's ex-fiance online and my husband has been threatening me, telling me that if I speak to this man, the house will be lost and it's on me because her ex will report it to their work. I'm struggling so much to understand. I'm questioning any judgments I have ever made in my life because honestly, my husband seemed like the most respectful and loyal man I've ever known. Both families are in utter shock. He's now playing the victim card, obviously, with his family. I'm really struggling to keep going. Most days I don't want to live anymore, but I have to for my amazing

daughter I'm worried about my daughter's future with this woman and her daughter in it and I need advice on how to pull myself together and get over this I've never been broken like this I've lost my husband my best friend and the person I trusted most I never wanted him back even if he started his new life with her but it doesn't help take the pain away apologies for the lengthy email many thanks I think you are both incredible I without saying too much a lot of that story rang very true to home for me um like a lot and one thing I will say that's helped me because I some of the things you um you're worrying about and are hurting you I felt all of those things as well and one thing you've got to understand is firstly is accepting that this person you're now dealing with isn't the person you fell in love with the person you loved doesn't actually exist anymore and that's sad but I think once you

make that differentiation between oh I loved him so much how could he do this to me he's not the same person because that same person wouldn't have done that to you and I think a lot of the anger on his part from what I'm assuming comes from the fact you've not like begged to get back with him you've held your own ground you're kind of I don't know getting on with things a lot of that I don't know, getting on with things. A lot of that, I think, as well, like the fact he's like threatening you with certain things about losing the home, just from me looking in and obviously trying to... Look, I'm not going to say too much,

but I've been through a lot of this. And I think that is his element of still holding some control over the relationship he is in control he's panicking he's like shit work might know shit her husband might know that's going to ruin my little perfect situation and he's trying to scare you now what I will say from experience is whilst in your head you would love to get one over on him and tell work you would love to be able to tell the other person ultimately that's not going to change what's been done and it's not going to change it's not going to make things easier for you it's not going to take away the pain but actually in theory although obviously it's so wrong that he's threatening you

what he's saying is correct him losing his job could potentially jeopardize the house set he is currently allowing you i mean allowing is the wrong word because it's your home together and you would never be put out on the street legally but yeah you would sort of be slightly cutting off your nose i just think you need to think what would you actually get from doing those things is it just a sense of justice for you you're sure it would be a short term because trust me trust me even doing things to get some kind of justice doesn't take away the pain doesn't take away the shit of the situation it doesn't take away the fact you're not sorry this is like really like blunt but it doesn't take away the fact you're now a single parent and doing it on

your own it doesn't take away the fact you're gonna have to co-parent with this person it doesn't actually change a lot and look it's taken me to experience some of those things to realize like does it actually you know when that's all you only bring you down to his level, won't it? I just don't think... Look, I think a lot of things have been revealed. He has shown himself for who he is and what he is. The fact, I mean, she's a cheat, he's a cheat. You should be safe in the knowledge,

knowing you're far away from him. You're never going to go back to him, be under his control as such to some degree. I just think it's a lucky escape. I know it's hard to see it right now. And I know that it's what everyone does when they break up with someone, even if they've done wrong.

You sit there fantasizing over all the good and the bad. Make that list. The benefits of not being with him. Remind yourself of those things. And I promise you, it may not feel like it now, but you are going to look back one day and be grateful that you're not with someone like that because you don't deserve it. Your daughter doesn't deserve it. And I know you're sitting there worrying about,

oh, I'm worried for my daughter, like being surrounded by this woman. Don't think that far ahead because they probably won't even last. what's been and done like it's what's been and done now and I think if you try and keep your communication to literally just talking about your child the arrangements for your child I think sometimes having to take that step back away from like like I've hit points where I'm like why am I going around in circles ruminating about well this must have happened well this and then tracking things back even further you end up just sending yourself mental like because then you end up like looking back on your relationship and thinking well that happened during this point and I thought we were really happy here and it's it's not a good place to be I just feel like there's no good to come from it you know what you know now and you have to try and move forwards in some way.

And I think stepping back and holding your boundaries in terms of what you speak to him about, just don't speak to him about it anymore. I think it's always quite good to try and seek some sort of help in regards to therapy. I like the title of this one. So the subject is sometimes what doesn't work out for you, in fact, works out for you.

Like it. I hope you see this and decide to share so that other women can hear that there really is light at the end of the tunnel. We write stories like this. We do. A bit of background. I was with my ex for 10 years, married for four

and have a two and a half year old son together. In May, 2023, I found him at a hotel in bed with a girl he works with who is 11 years younger than him. I honestly feel like we hear the same story. Men never go to fucking work. This is why I have issues with people who are dirty. Don't walk. In the last seven months, so much has happened, including him getting her initial tattooed on him. That's quite a commitment.

But I don't want to talk about all of that. Instead, I want to talk about the positives. I've spent so much time and energy since that day healing and learning to be genuinely happy again. The separation has forced him to step up and become a better dad and I can't fault him, he's amazing with our son and we both strive every day to make sure our little boy knows how truly loved he is. I'm so glad he did what he did, I would never have left that relationship. It wasn't bad, it just could have been better. He never put me

down, he just doesn't lift me up and so now i'm excited for the opportunity to start again i've dated a few men since becoming single i don't want breadcrumbs anymore i want the whole damn bakery love that yeah i've realized what it feels like to be made to feel beautiful and i'm really enjoying being spoiled and learning my worth don't get me wrong i know co-parenting will always have its challenges along the way and I know the legal stuff is going to be hard to navigate. But on those tough days, I will remind myself of the happier days because I deserve so much more than what I had before and life is too bloody short. Keep doing what you're doing, ladies. You are helping so many of us. Thank you.

And I completely agree. The relationship, my marriage I was in before before I haven't been happy for some time but again it's what we've said before it was never bad enough to leave and also I'm one of those people like when I got married I got married forever and whatever that came with other than a few things but I am one of those people like I believe marriage is forever I don't believe marriage is just a piece of paper and you should go and get divorced when things get shit I always thought marriage was forever and I remember when everything was going on and literally feeling is my life now and feeling so scared and um I don't know I think as well when

your marriage ends in a way like mine did you end up feeling well no one's ever going to want to love me or maybe I'm not deserving of love or, you know, maybe no one will ever find me attractive again. And what I've learned now, like, God, I'm 10 and a half months down the line now. And I'm not just saying this, like, I am the happiest I have been in years. And that's not just for my new relationship. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. Like, it does bring me happiness. And I believe relationships should only enhance your happiness, not just be completely responsible for your happiness.

I'm happy in myself. I'm happy on my own with my kids. But then I do feel like I've got this really positive thing to look forward to. And the way I am being treated in a relationship now is like nothing I have ever experienced. I didn't know relationship could be like this I didn't know there could be the honesty like I've never physically felt so much love from someone and I've never felt like whenever I'm having doubts I'll always be like what can I do to help him what like this is just completely um alien to me and I would never have been able to experience this like I'm genuinely excited for where this

could go um I'm genuinely excited to like for the first time in my life and this is actually really sad that I married someone without feeling like this but for the first time in my life and this is actually really sad that I married someone without feeling like this but for the first time in my life I feel like the person I'm with is my best friend and I fancy the pants of him and I respect him and we have the same interests and I feel like we bring out the best in each other and that is what is so exciting is that you think your world is over but all the things you weren't being given there are people out there who can give them to you and there are people who want like like my boyfriend has been saying to me for months when I've been holding back and pulling away sometimes because I'm scared he goes just let me love you just let me love you and I feel like I am finally getting to the point where I'm just

letting him love me and that can be scary when you've been through pain and like I say it a lot now but like I am so glad I've been through what I've been through I would never know I could have something like that because I've never had a relationship like that I was younger before kids change you anyway but I was in now what I know a very toxic unhealthy relationship yeah so yeah I completely agree what was her title yeah so I love I absolutely love the title sometimes what doesn't work out for you in fact works out for you like I guess it's what we were saying is like every relationship is a lesson that one doesn't work out it you've learned something from it take what you can from it in a

positive way to then use it to know what you do and moving forward. It helps you know what your non-negotiables are, what your priorities are in a relationship. And I think that can only be a really positive thing. Yeah. Okay. We've got a few here. Hello, you gorgeous ladies. Thank you so much for your podcast.

I listen every week in the car on my way to work. My dilemma in a nutshell is I hate my mother and sister-in-law and the feeling is mutual. There are six years worth of drama, digs and just outright rudeness behind my hatred but I could be typing forever if I went through it all.

So try and cut the story short as possible. Let's just say they're both not very nice people and this is a common opinion of them not just my own my fiance and I have two incredible children and after being married at the end of feb 2024 my partner knows how awful his mum can be and does have my back for most parts

a lot of the time though he has grown up knowing he has grown up knowing his mum for who she is and can sometimes say ah that, that's just my mum, ignore her. My mother-in-law sees the kids maybe every two months at best and she lives 15 minutes away. I mean, I guess in a way that's a good thing for you. And my sister-in-law is the same and she lives in the same village as us. When it came to her head this festive season, we always kept it civil and never directly been awful to each other. But my birthday's early December and my sister-in-law didn't get me a birthday present. My partner asked her why. She said because she didn't like the birthday present he got her this

year and I won't be getting one. Hold on. She didn't like the birthday present that he got her. So you're being finished. Outright disrespectful, but I thought, oh, well, at least we don't have to get her a birthday present going forward. But then came the mother-in-law drama. For Xmas, I got all the grandparent, a multi-picture frame of the kids and then another separate present. His family's Christmas presents aren't my responsibility it's just how we do things but I did this for them all as I thought it was cute. We were at my family for Christmas and my mum opened a present which I realised was

actually for my mother-in-law. I had written to mum on both their presents and must have got hers mixed with my family's presents so I sent a picture of it to her and said, so sorry, this got mixed up with my mum's present. This is actually yours. I'll give it to you when you're back from Spain. She didn't reply. A few hours later, my partner received a message from my sister-in-law saying that my mother-in-law is devastated that she has to give back the pictures and that how awful it is that we've given all the grandparents pictures of the kids except her. She obviously I thought I meant the pictures I gave her weren't for my mum and the present my mum opened was for her and she assumed she would have to get the pictures back. So all of the Christmas day and myself and my partner tried

ringing and messaging her several times to clarify that this isn't the case and she'd misread my message. We had no reply. Two days later, she messaged my partner saying how devastated she is, that she had to give the pictures back. He then messaged back to say, well, if you had bothered to answer the phone, we would have been able to tell you you'd got it wrong. I then rang her and messaged her with no reply again. I then messaged one final time to say that it was my nan's funeral in 45 minutes and we'd like to have a conversation with her before then to clear the whole mess up. No reply. She's now messaged my partner on New Year's Day simply asking how New Year's was and what we got up to as this whole thing hadn't happened. I feel she's been so disgustingly disrespectful to me and her son by ignoring all

my efforts to speak to her and then to not have the decency to call me back on the day of my nan's funeral to clarify this whole situation so I can go to the funeral with one less stress to worry about. It may sound small but after six years of nasty words and disrespectful actions from them both, for me this one feels like the last straw. My partner has ignored my mother-in-law's messages for the time being but I don't know where to go from here. What I really want to say is for me this one feels like the last straw my partner has ignored my mother-in-law's messages for the time being but I don't know where to go from here what I really want to say is fuck off you're not having anything to do with my family what would you guys do I'm sorry this is very lengthy story I hope you're able to read it out so I can get your view feel free to shorten it

if needed love you guys so much thanks for being you I'm really happy to read that and hear that it sounds like your your soon-to-be husband is kind of you on it I feel like we've sometimes had emails or messages kind of about the in-law drama and the way I see it your family is you your partner and your kids and I think that you need to sort of be a unit so by the sounds of it if I if it were me I would personally probably bite my tongue swallow my pride and be really grateful that my husband pretty much is on my side and your mother-in-law isn't around that much I think if she was one of those people that was always there, turning up uninvited, getting all busy, then it would be much harder and something would need to be addressed.

But I think by the sounds of it, the amount of time that maybe she is around, I would try to be the bigger person. It's about managing your expectations. I think if you know, look at the end of the day I think you can hold your head up high like you've tried to resolve it in a respectful way and maybe I don't know maybe you've obviously got your wedding coming up you don't want any like bitterness at the wedding I would I know what I'm like I'm a bit of a peacemaker. And when situations are unsettled, my anxiety gets so bad. And I know I would probably reach out one or two more times just because that's the kind of person I am.

The thing is, she said that her mother and her called as if nothing had gone wrong. Well, I would just turn up at her house and be like, look, my wedding's coming up next month. I really want to just sort this out. It wasn't meant with any malice. Like, I think it was a bit of cross lines. And maybe even just sort of like putting your cards on the table and saying, I know we haven't seen eye to eye. Give her an olive front.

It would be really nice if we could get... This wedding was really special for me. But if you don't get back what you're hoping for, like Carly said, set your expectations. Don't let them ruin. No, and then you just have to know, like, look, you have done everything you could do. You've held yourself well.

You've reached out. And I think when you've got that knowledge that you've carried yourself in the right way, sometimes you've just got to take a step back and be like, right, well, these are my expectations of this. You know, I limit my contact with her anyway. I don't see her that much anyway. And, you know, on days where she is around my kids

or around my partner, I just have to put on a happy face and it's what it is. I think sometimes you have to do those things. Yeah. Red flags galore. Red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag flags galore hi ladies hope you are well i just wanted to say a massive thank you for your podcast it's so nice to listen to something you can relate to and not feel so alone sorry this is a long one even if you don't read it hopefully by writing it will be therapeutic for me writing is everything guys

i don't have the best track record with boyfriends, but when I met him, he seemed to be different to the others. More stable, a little bit older, etc. Boy, was I wrong. I'd say it started off okay, but looking back, it didn't. He would always prioritize his friends, and once he even worked out how many days we had spent together and said he needed to have the same amount of time with his friends. That's weird. Red flag, she's written. I felt like I was his hangover girlfriend as it seemed to be the only time I would see him was when he was hungover.

We would arrange a time to meet and it would get later and later as he would be drinking with his friends instead of meeting up with me. Don't get me wrong, we had some fun times, nice holidays, but I'd always be the one going home on my own after a night out

as he never wanted to leave. Sorry, I find that weird. If my boyfriend didn't come back with me, I'd be like the one going home on my own after a night out as he never wanted to leave. Sorry, I find that weird. If my boyfriend didn't come back with me, I'd be like, okay, bye. Yeah. That's weird. That's weird. Red flag. I'm getting the gist now.

Sorry. He never wanted to leave where we were in case he missed out on something. That's like... Sounds so immature. And insecure. Like immature, like so moved from... Oh, no, no, the lads might go fucking crazy. That's like Sounds so immature And insecure Insecure Like which all I've so moved from Oh I've so moved

The lads might go Fucking crazy I don't know where That accent came from I don't think he speaks Like that anyway Oh I

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I That's what the internet fucking lets me. Don't want to miss a bit. Right. I had to attend a hospital appointment in which I required a procedure, but he wouldn't come with me as said he had to play football and couldn't possibly miss it. Sorry, this guy is just lad alert. What a lad. He's fucking annoying.

Call me so footy, babe. Sorry, I'm not. What's he doing with the lads? What is? Yeah. He also employed a girl at work. He his own business that absolutely hated that absolutely hated me and to this day she still doesn't know why she does which put a real strain on our relationship we ended up spitting up for a few months getting back together i thought we had changed we ended up buying a house together

although the day we were due to move in we had moving vans booked etc he said well don't tell me he needed to see the lads he said he had to go watch the football um and wanted me to move by myself sorry mate yeah i hate him sorry babe you get the moving van i just gotta go gotta go watch the thing are you joking me sorry you sound like an absolute buffoon I had to compromise and say at least

get the stuff to the new house and then go off and watch football you were far too nice I'd be like you are having a laugh

sorry I'm just I give up on men we then decided to plan for a baby I got pregnant after a few months of trying but sadly ended in

a miscarriage at nine weeks. Devastated is an understatement. I opted for a natural miscarriage which resulted in the most agonising pain. I begged him to stay home with me during that time but he insisted on going out with his friends. He is a prick. I hate him. He is a bad egg.

Get rid. He then called me at 2am drunk to pick him up red flag red flag red flag red fucking flag no sorry i don't know how anyone would actually have the fucking cheek that's winding me up sorry i had counseling for my miscarriage which also helped me see the issues in our relationship but miraculously i ended up getting pregnant again after five weeks after my miscarriage. This didn't give us the time we needed to fix the issues in our relationship. Once our beautiful boy arrived he did carry on with his going out ways so I had to have a conversation with him about cutting down on going out. He would come home from work at lunch times, cook lunch in front of me and not even offer me any whilst I was sat on the sofa with our tiny baby boy. Girl, you deserve so much better

than this absolute waste of space, waste of freaking air. That's actually winding me up. I got criticised by him and his family for my bedtime routines, etc. I like a routine as I feel like babies get used to it and it helps them settle. I etc. I like a routine as I feel like babies get used to it and it helps them settle. I didn't get the help and support I needed. I got diagnosed with postnatal depression when my son was over a year old. I don't believe it was postnatal depression but definitely was a depression. I didn't tell him about it as he would always be spiteful and throw things like that in my face. Whenever he would go out with his friend he would get so drunk he couldn't even

get inside the front door. He would ring the doorbell or bang on the door whatever the time. This was a real issue, but he would always apologise and it would happen again and again. Fast forward a few years, we're supposed to get married in September 2020, but due to COVID, our wedding was delayed until the following year. It was a tough time and started to highlight a lot of our differences. But after all the stress of everything COVID related, we finally got married in September 2021. We went on a few holidays with my parents over the years and they had noticed how selfish she was and how I seemed to be the one doing everything with our son whilst he would do whatever he wanted. Highlighted a lot during our wedding as we

got married abroad and shared a villa with my parents. Without realising I was actually pregnant with our second son during our wedding. We didn't have sex that much after the birth of my first son as he told me it felt different. That couple with no support and how I was feeling led to a massive drop in our intimacy. I'm sorry this man is actually making me want to punch something. Don't punch me. I won't punch you. But do you know what I mean? I'm sorry, this bitch.

You've tolerated a hell of a lot, girl. So getting pregnant so soon around our wedding was a bit of a downer for him as he thought we would be trying for a while and having lots of sex. Due to bleeding that I tend to have when pregnant and the trauma of my miscarriage, we don't have sex when I'm pregnant. My pregnancies are never straightforward, but that's another conversation. So always a very anxious and stressful time. I always feel relieved when the babies are born as you feel you can help them more when they're in your arms. Before I told him I was pregnant, I asked him to get counselling to see a life coach

as we couldn't go through what I did with our first, with the second baby. He did go, but it was very short-lived. Even during the birth, he slept through most of it. The midwives even said, shall we wake him up now? Can we put him in the bin, please? I don't even know if I carry on reading. This man is just not okay. But thankfully, my mum was there to support this time.

Our second son was born. This time, I had absolutely zero support from him. He slept downstairs for a whole year, so he didn't get woken up. He didn't once offer to get up in the night, not even on a weekend. We went on holiday over our second son's first birthday and it was horrendous. He didn't understand why he couldn't sit and relax.

We have a five-year-old and a one-year-old. It certainly felt like the beginning of the end. Returning from that dreadful holiday, I threw him a massive 40th birthday party, to which I got no thanks except him moaning that I didn't sleep with him that night and his brother telling me how he felt he was deprived of love. Our second son didn't sleep through the night until after he was one so I was running on fumes most of the time. Due to the decline of our relationship I did start to withdraw. We have been having couples counselling for about six months but it was clear we have different values. I put the kids as priority but he says we should all be the

priority. He even managed to manipulate the counsellor with her asking why I didn't do stuff for myself whilst our youngest is at nursery. I work two jobs, sales administrator part-time and I teach fitness classes in the evenings. This is her, should we name and blame and get her like, what the fuck? I've done that since I was 18. So after bank holiday weekend, after many conversations, being told I'm a narcissist and should be a better wife, my husband comes home and says these exact words to me. I don't love you. I don't want to be with you. I'm going to move out. It's not what I wanted, but it was the right thing as I couldn't keep fighting for something that just wasn't there. He then wanted 50-50 custody so he didn't have to pay maintenance.

there. He then wanted 50-50 custody so he didn't have to pay maintenance. He told me I had to work full-time and give up my evening classes. Our youngest is only 18 months old now so not really able to work full-time with childcare costs. He moved to his three-bedroom flat which happens to be two doors down from our house but after a few weeks said it was too small and is now renting a four-bedroom bungalow that costs at least £1,800 a month. He still hasn't filled in the form E from the solicitors but he's had for over three months and hasn't responded to my solicitor's letter asking for more financial support as he knew before he moved out but I didn't have enough for the bills etc as he paid for our mortgage utilities, food shop etc. I paid for childcare costs and some other utilities like Sky and TV licence. This was due to his work earning him a good wage and me being on part-time salary yeah makes sense he's throwing money at the kids buying them ps5 and football kits

or so i'm counting every single penny i have oh do you know what infuriates me so much he's buying these things thinking that he can buy the kids love, but he's not giving her support financially. I know. I feel like that's quite a common thing. Yeah, men think that I don't need to be there like mentally or physically. And that's their way of showing love to their children when actually that's not. Well, kids will know eventually. They'll grow up and know.

My income does not even come close to covering my outgoings, which he's fully aware of. I'm not entitled to any benefits because I work and own a property and I'm drowning but keeping it together for the kids I'm trying to be amicable but didn't realize how controlling he is and how everything has to be his way I mean obviously reading the story it's I think probably like now you're out of it you realize that but like you can see from the start how controlling he is. It's hard to write down all the things he does down.

There's so many. Ten years we were together, but he feels like an absolute stranger to me. And I can really see how bad it was now I'm out of it. That's it. I think I've said this before. If I wrote in to us about my marriage i'd be like hello wake up like yeah it is frustrating but you've got your two on the other side my children are happy they're young enough to see this as a novelty having two rooms two houses etc

although my 18 month old is struggling with being away from me as heartbreaking as it is being apart from them as i was the parent with them all the time i am able to recharge my batteries whilst they are gone and start doing stuff for me finding the positive it's showing me exactly what i don't want in a relationship going forwards but as this only happened end of august beginning of september i'm not ready to even think about starting a new relationship yet but it's nice thing that maybe someday I'll be with someone that is supportive. I don't think I've ever asked too much to be supportive

for him to be less selfish and to feel listened to. You're not asking too much you're not. For the bare minimum. That is bare minimum. Yeah. That's you should be getting that as the absolute minimum. Do you know what winds me up more than anything? Do you know what makes for a good dad? Respecting the mum.

Is that what you always say? Like, you have to love your children more than you hate your ex? Yeah. But it's these men that constantly go on about how they're really, really good dads, but you can't actually really be a good dad if you're willing to disrespect the mother of your children and especially when that mother has the kids majority of the time if you were doing anything that you know like by the sounds of this he knows what is going to trigger you to like hurt you and upset you and i always think like if they're doing that to you they know that impacts

how you are in your house in yourself kids are so absorbent they're like sponges like my kids know when I'm in a good or a bad mood they absorb that and I feel like surely as the father to your children you should want your kids to be in the most positive environment and that involves being respectful to the their mum and true you can't be a good dad if you're disrespectful. No, you can't be the mother of your children. Now I've read this email back, it probably doesn't sound that bad. I beg to differ.

Are we listening to the same email? This sounds fucking awful. I'm sorry, my language. I'm sorry, I think it probably sounds a little off. No, I reckon you're going to hear this episode and be so grateful that you're not with him anymore.

And be like, God, it was bad. I did tolerate a hell of a lot of shit. But perhaps I can't express exactly what it's like living like the way I have been. I've seen the social counselling through my work, which is brilliant. She pointed out I don't have any narcissistic traits, which did help me flourish. I'm sorry. I can tell you don't. That is him. And he's really wearing me out. narcissistic traits which did help me flourish i'm sorry oh i can tell you you don't like that

that is him and he's sorry it's really winding me up he's controlling you he's manipulating me this is what some of these men do they try and make you feel like you are the problem they try and shift the blame onto you make you feel like you're a shit person you're this person who is so problematic it's not he's just transferring his issues to you it's good that she's seeing someone i'm really pleased so i've recently had a conversation with my ex which i stood my ground and set boundaries this makes me feel empowered good preacher sister i know things will never be easy with him but i know the fact my boys are okay and I've realized I do deserve better I'm hoping for a better 2024 me too girl me too 2024 if you made it this up thank you for reading p.s I also saw a clairvoyant medium after the split and she was brilliant um thank you so much

for sending that in I feel like you're gonna hear this back and i hope that it actually gives you the realization that you have gone through something that people shouldn't have to go through and things can only get better but again like you can tell by the way you reflect at the end of your email like you know there's better out there for you and oh my god there is yeah honestly it's a learning it's a learning yeah thank you for sending that in okay we thought we'd do a confession of the week so we've got here i knew my partner was cheating so deliberately scuffed all his brand new range rover wheels colored them in with a sharpie added laxatives to his casserole oh my god cut up every last bit of clothing he ever owned and sent a group message to everyone he Sharpie added laxatives to his casserole. Oh, my God.

Cut up every last bit of clothing he ever owned and sent a group message to everyone he knew of his mistress's boobs, which he received on his phone, including her dad. Oh, my God. Family friends, call me psycho, but we'll do it all again. Oh, my God.

Boobs. Yeah. good for you hon loving the um scuffing the alloys that's brilliant it's the laxatives in the casserole though you feel crazy i know i love it i live for it please carry on sending in your confessions of the week we it's my favorite part i love it it just makes me we want more we want more makes me smile let's end this episode with an affirmation of the week okay this is just a simple one but i quite like it every day i get a little bit braver love that yeah yeah every day and get a little bit braver i thought i was listening to all the things that you send in it just really highlights that I think

as women we are fucking strong and we take a lot of shit that we shouldn't and it's only going to build your character I know a lot of the time and I'm feeling it right now, you don't want to have to be strong, you just want to be protected and looked after but it gets you to don't want to have to be strong you just want to be protected and looked

after but it gets you to where you need to be so for anyone that is struggling this week just know that every day you get a little bit braver a little bit stronger and yeah every day is a new day so let's try and be positive. Think of all the good things. Spread those affirmations. And I'm also going to maybe get on my vision board this week. Do it. Listen back to our vision board episode. Really good.

Yeah. And yeah, don't forget to like, follow and share. It really, really helps us. And again, like Tash said, please, please email us in with all your dilemmas, all your happy, funny stories, stories dating everything we want to know and also those confessions literally give us life yeah they do thank you guys so much we will catch you guys next week we hope you have a good one see you later bye