Not As We Planned - 3. New Beginnings

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

Episode 3 - Finding our feet with our new solo parenting journey and discussing the highs and lows of coparenting. Giving advice on how to tell your children about separation and sharing some of your stories and experiences. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash aventurabusiness. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome back to Motherhood Not As We Planned. Today's episode is all about new beginnings. Yes, which we love.

We wanted to obviously talk about just generally kind of getting used to co-parenting and I guess also just motherhood in general with how we're doing things at the moment. I think that we're quite different in regards to not how we mother but I think maybe our thought processes in regards to the divorce and separation and stuff and I feel like I don't know not that I look like a bad mum when I say the things I say but I think that I guess I'm just being honest with how I feel and I'm not saying that obviously you're not being honest because I know you generally feel how you feel

but for me I struggle a lot more with the kids on my own than without and I feel like maybe you're kind of like the other way around I really struggle when I'm not with the kids and that's been my biggest challenge which and I feel like my biggest challenge is being on my own with it yeah and you know what I think there's probably

going to be a lot of people out there that can kind of relate to either one or maybe both at different times like don't get me wrong when my kids went on their first holiday with their dad yeah god i was like besides myself but i think it's that kind of like everyday mundane life that i struggle with more so um you're set up like before you're on your own do you know what it's it's actually weird a weird one because i feel like with what i'm explaining how i am it would sound like he was always around but actually midweek he wasn't he woke up and left the house before the kids woke up and he got home after bedtime so i didn't have him around for bath and bed i didn't have him around for bath and bed. I didn't have him around for the school run.

But I just think that as a person, I've never been great with my own company. So even just having that person in the evening to then unwind to and kind of like offload, I think made a massive difference to then how I was able to pair it the next day. I understand that, yeah. See, I, again, touched on it, but we kind of stopped that communication a while ago. And that, because I get asked a lot, like, do you not feel lonely in the evenings? For me, my evenings are the same. I'm working, you know, I'm talking to friends, I'm on social media or whatever it is it's no different and obviously that's that's not doesn't speak volumes about

what our relationship was like before but that is very much my reality and i wonder whether that's do you know what though i think that our evenings weren't like sitting down and having dinner together and chatting loads and talking about our feelings. I think there was just some sort of like a presence of someone else being there made me feel slightly safer. And I think it does actually boil down to my anxiety of my phobia in regards to my children so for those that don't know I have something called emetophobia and it is a fear of sick and whenever I've spoken about it on my Instagram my inbox just goes crazy because I feel like it is actually one of the most common phobias and some people have it and don't even know that it's actually a thing and having that phobia and having children is so difficult because in theory and it sounds kind of crazy but I sort of sometimes scared of my own children so the anxiety that I have when my kids are in bed and I'm on my

own is so heightened compared to how I feel on my own without my children so actually it's really sad because really it's not really about my kids it's about my anxiety that causes I think that difference between how I feel with and without my children. And also something I think really became apparent was I think I held on to my marriage a lot longer because of my phobia. Because having that presence of someone there was a real safety net for me. And it was actually even that strong of a phobia that I was tempted to sell my house and go and live with my parents just so I had other people as backup. But then I just felt like, how can I possibly take my kids away from their home and their comfort because of my fears? So I wouldn't, I didn't let myself do that but it is interesting because some people I speak to and they're like I don't know how I'm

going to be without my kids and I'm so scared and I feel sort of a bit guilty I've got massive mum guilt for not actually really feeling that I almost felt a bit more like once my ex had moved out and instead of when he was living at his parents maybe i didn't feel this way but once he got his new place brand new flat like do it all up bachelor pads i sort of felt like i was kind of stuck in this like same old mundane daily routine doing all the kids washing, doing all the cooking, still kind of living that motherhood life when he was just out doing what he wants with no responsibility, going out when he wants, sleeping without being interrupted in the night. And I just sort of felt like, how is this fair?

It's like everything's on the mum and he's just sort of parenting part-time but then equally I understand that some dads if that is the case probably absolutely hate it because they're like I miss my kids I'm going to be with my kids I want my family home and maybe eventually that reality after the bachelor pads no longer that far maybe it does kick in but I had that resentment of like how is this fair and I think whatever way you feel and look at it afterwards no one really wins do you know I mean like you're either you know struggling to be there with the kids or you know with other things going on or you're struggling without them it's like the whole change in situation is difficult in some way whether it's

and there is no right or wrong way people are so different like I know I know I know I've got friends who literally like Kylie don't relate to like how much like you miss your kids like why are you moaning just go out and enjoy yourself but again it's one of those things that was taken away from me it wasn't my choice and I had and it's weird because before I became a mum I did used to go out loads I did I loved going out I didn't yeah I did love going out that was like I used to go out and have so much fun with my friends and then obviously like when I had Theo I breastfed him then we had lockdown then you know it was series of lockdowns and stuff then I had Milo then I was breastfeeding for a year it was only after Milo stopped breastfeeding I started going out again and then obviously all this happened and it's my biggest struggle is not being with my kids and

I don't know whether subconsciously it's because I feel like I can do it best I do I because because I'm around my kids all the time like they are only goes to nursery two days a week Milo's been with me every day pretty much bar a couple since the day he was born I know my kids inside out I know you know what every single noise means I know if they've moved in a certain way what that means like and I worry that someone will miss something or was your ex hands-on with the kids? He would do a couple of breakfasts with them a week and maybe two bedtimes. It wasn't like in the week, it was always... Would you have described him as a hands-on dad?

When he was there? When he was there, he was a very good dad. Like, yeah, he didn't like i think he used to get a bit stressed over the idea of like days out and stuff because of course they're not not as enjoyable as our kids and they're unpredictable and tantrums but yeah it was very like he he adores our kids he does adore our kids so i'll give him that like he loves the boys um but i think now we're where we are i realize how much of the load i did yeah it like and it and perhaps where that was quite imbalanced maybe created underlying problems i didn't know about like i i do all the

washing all the cleaning 90 of the cooking you know all like the admin involved with paying nursery fees and this and thinking about this and thinking about that i do all of that um yeah for me none of that changed really i did everything in that respect that and I even like you know direct debits of electricity and gas everything which I think maybe a lot of people would think that like the man would do like I generally like looked after the finances I did all of that he was really hands-on and I think from the very early stages having twins at first I was a real like control freak but then I think it became apparent very early on that I needed to kind of like accept help yeah I know that's something that you don't

really like doing and I think that I changed in that way very quickly because of having twins so then at the point that we separated I was very confident in his handling with the kids. Yeah, I know what you mean. I can appreciate when sometimes people are like, I don't know how I'm going to let him have the kids because he doesn't even have to change a nappy. He's so capable that I never had that worry. It's not even that I was worried he was incapable. I just think you just want to do it all and maybe i was as reliant on them as they were on me yeah i felt

like i was like that with they like they are my comfort yeah and the attachment i have to them is something I never expected um like I I am I am obsessed with them like I literally like I miss them so much now and like it's this like the last couple of weeks have been a weird couple of weeks because of stuff going on and obviously I had an operation yesterday so they are staying with their dad which is not normal like in the middle of the week i do struggle with it and i don't know why like i wish i could be more i don't know like i don't know if it's because i've wasn't in control of the circumstances or what i don't i honestly don't know and don't get me wrong like there are some days where i absolutely need a break. And it's like what you said, like accepting help. I, Kraz, probably always will be that person who like it takes me to be on the edge of a mental breakdown for me to be like, I need someone to help me.

I am getting better at it. I am getting better at it. But I have always been that person who doesn't like to burden other people and thinks well I chose to have kids so that's my problem yeah just figure it out myself I think I mean I think it's good that you're adapting to accepting change so I think especially as a single parent like you need to I think it's kind of like that cat 22 it's like when I'm not with them I miss them and then when I'm with them I'm like when are they not with them i miss them and then when i'm with them i'm like when are they going to their nap because i really really do i don't want anyone to be listening to this thinking like i'm with my kids the whole time thinking i love you so much

like they drive me insane they drive me insane a lot of the time and like there are absolutely days where i am counting down to bedtime but i think as well like weekends before I was a single parent were always very family oriented we always would go out whether it's a lunch or whether it just be for a walk they would be family orientated and I think where that's no longer a thing or in my head where he's spending that time with them and I'm feeling like I'm missing out because when I've got them in the week it's like a normal week where I'm working the kid the I was at nursery and running around doing mundane things and he gets them for the full Saturday again which is why I think our plans probably will change um yeah I just don't

feel like I'm getting I don't know but the good part yeah do you know what I don't trust me I get that I think it was like last weekend or the weekend before when I didn't have them and it was like the first weekend we've had where it was really nice and sunny out. I was on my own at home sitting in the garden thinking like, yes, I'll just sunbathe. But how fun. Honestly, like a half an hour later, I was like, I'm so bored. I'm scrolling on Instagram, seeing everyone having these lovely family days out. And I just sat there and cried. And I was like, I'm going to be with my kids when the sun's out and have fun.

So it's like I have these like mixed emotions of, do you know what I think it is as well, which probably doesn't help? Blake. So for those that don't know, I've got Blake and Ivy who are twins, they're five. Blake doesn't sleep great. And I feel like that has a real

impact on how I feel in regards to how many nights in a row I have them. If he slept well like the other two I feel like I wouldn't feel like I was counting down

the nights until a good night's sleep it's not like I'm counting down the nights until I good night's sleep. It's not like I'm counting down the nights until I want to get rid of my kid. It's counting down... Because I feel like you need that even more when you're doing it on your own. Because you don't have that opportunity, especially on a weekend when I have the whole weekend with them.

I don't have that moment to be like just need to take a moment. Can you do breakfast this morning? I'm going to have a lie-in. Or just something just something like that there is no break it's so full on i i i completely resonate with that i we've kind of got a situation he's not a great sleeper yeah and i have to cuddle him to sleep every night i know some people are like don't agree with it it's just what works for us but at the same time it's so oh i love it do you know what it used to really bother me and it used to give me a lot of anxiety because I used to do my work while I still do my work in the evening so in my head I'd be like working myself up like right I've

got less and less time and I'd get myself really stressed ever since I've been on my own I've kind of reframed my thinking and thinking one day he's not going to want to lay on my chest one day he's not going to want to cuddle me so right now just go with it oh and i don't know for me that's changed it but anyway for me he will lay on my chest i'd say 20 minutes tops he'll go to sleep for his dad he will not go to it takes him two hours got a message last night took two hours go to sleep so he's going to bed about nine o'clock for his dad whenever he has him, which then puts him in an awful mood the next day. So then that's obviously challenging for him. It's also not that pleasant for Theo.

And then I feel like I'm coming back and trying to fix everything and pick up the pieces and then try and get us back on routine for a week for then it to just happen again. And I'm finding that really hard. I mean, prior to all this, he did used to sometimes do his bedtime, but a lot of the time it'd be like, he's not going down for me. He's just going to assault it. And that has been on me for a long time. And that's just, I don't know.

I think it's mine. Interesting. Yeah. It's interesting because what I have found from once my ex moved out and then they started actually sleeping out and then coming home is they really played up after being with him. You know how they sometimes say with kids' behaviour is they're angels at school and then the minute they

get home it's like a fizzy bottle has been shaking all day and then they get home the lid comes off exactly and i'm still their safe space so it's interesting that like he's really good at bedtime for you i find i get the brunt of like the bad behavior because it's they like get home and then this it's not like they're resentful but I feel like it's like their bad behavior then comes out onto me and I'm sort of picking up the emotional pieces of like where have you been mummy we've been at Duddy where were you yeah that's what I think I also struggle with quite a lot it definitely has got better um and hopefully Theo's sleep will get better like it's so new for him yeah well I mean he wasn't a great sleeper before this and he does

wake in the night and then now we're kind of in the habit of him just coming in and sleeping with me which is a habit I want to break at some point but right now it's quite nice for both of us one thing I have noticed which is weird is his behavior has really changed since we've separated um for anyone who hasn't followed me for a while but I there have been periods where I've been concerned about his behavior in terms of we have suspected some additional needs um but he has very big feelings he does have very big feelings he's very hyper and emotional child like he feels everything a hundred percent like so he's like so like the most loving person i've ever met like he tells me how much he loves me honestly like a hundred times a day but at the time, when he's angry or sad, it's amplified and hard and really stressful.

But since we've been separated, those big outbursts have become sparser. And he's become more affectionate, even more affectionate and more loving towards me. And I've just noticed a real difference. And I think kids absorb so much more than we think. And they're so much more aware of things that like us as adults are incapable of even realising. And I wonder whether he could expel that atmosphere

before I even really knew there was one. And I wonder whether that was giving him, like, anxiety and that was his coping mechanism. I don't know. I get myself upset when I think about, like, oh, that might have impacted him. But in the reality... But you know what?

Even if it did, the fact that he's better now, you won't ever remember that. No, you're right. Like, the fact that it's better now yeah whoever remember that no you're right like the fact that it's that way around is so so lovely honestly like the last few weeks some of the best i've had with him in terms of his behavior i feel like obviously that makes your time with them alone easier it does whereas i'm almost feel like i'm at the opposite end where I feel like Blake's behaviour, again, very sensitive child, like has big feelings. He's always been like kind of like the tantrumer.

I feel like he's harder. Also, I guess it could be age. He's older. Yeah. Probably got a better understanding than Theo does of what's going on. Oh, yeah. That's another thing that we wanted to touch on. A lot of people were asking us about how you tell your kids

and I actually, I was so worried about how the whole thing would impact the kids. So I actually, both of us together, myself myself and my ex went to see a child psychologist so I really wanted to kind of get the right language and advice as to how to tell the kids Rome obviously he was one so we didn't sit him down to say anything to him because he as advanced as he is um I don't think he really understood what was going on um no he's no different now so absolutely which makes me sort of sad but at the same time i'm grateful how i feel with milo i feel sad that it's happened to him so young but in the same time he won't know any

yeah and it is better like there's no need for them to remember but i actually don't think even with blake and ivy having been four when it happened, they're not going to remember us living together. That's not a thing. Can you really remember anything when you were four unless it's in a photo or a video? Or you're told? Like, I don't feel like I really remember much. Snippets here and there. So we were told.

And one of the things that she, as we sat down, the first thing she said to us was are you a hundred percent sure that you are not going to get back together I remember I was just sort of like looking at each other and like standard him like says absolutely nothing so I just have to talk and I was like no we're done and she was like okay because if you% sure, then I need you to get up and you leave because there is nothing more harmful than telling your kids that you're separating and then getting back together because that is confusing for younger children.

So we were obviously certain and she pretty much said, you don't need to overcomplicate it. We wanted to sit down and we wanted to show that we were talking together. Yeah. And in like a way of not making it too formal and kind of sharing the conversation. So I'd say a bit, he'd say a bit. And really all kids really want is to be loved.

Like, yes, sometimes people think it's all about explaining to them that you're going to have two lots of christmas presents and don't get me wrong we did still talk about that and that's probably the bit that they got most excited about but the part that she really explained that you really want to like continually get into your kids head not just when you're telling them but continuing moving forward is mummy loves you him say daddy loves you we're not going anywhere yeah because there's nothing more scary for a child than feeling like they're going to be abandoned like if daddy left us or are you going to leave or so it's kind of like programming in their head like mummy loves

you mummy's not going anywhere. Mummy's always going to be your mummy. Daddy's always going to be your daddy. We love you. Live in different houses. And another thing she said is not to lie. You don't have to tell the truth, but don't lie. Don't say mummy and daddy still love each other,

but we're happier separate. No, no, no. Mummy and daddy are friends and we're always gonna love you we're a family but mummy and daddy feel happier living apart so you're gonna have two houses and it's gonna be really fun and when you go to daddy's he's gonna buy you some new toys and this that and the other it's it's just really like keeping it as simple as possible without lying and without going into too much detail. And one thing I will always, always make sure that I do, and this is again like a recommendation to anyone going through a separation with children involved, is however much you hate your partner, don't ever badmouth them in front of your child. you hate your partner don't ever bad mouth them in front of your child because it is toxic for your child to hear you slag off their dad and vice versa look I can't control what is said about me

you can't control what the in-laws are going to say I'd like to think they'd have the respect not to do it but however much hate or anger or anything I want them to grow up knowing that like daddy's a good person mommy's a good person and if he is a shit or the wife is a shit they'll figure it out when they're older let them figure it out on their own when they're of an age that is the right thing to do do you know what i mean so that's really generally what we did they take how did they take honestly we sat down i was literally shaking like i felt ill and we just started talking and i was like so some things are going to be a bit different it's really cool like daddy's just got a new house and we were like i'm like mommy still loves you and he was like and daddy still loves you but we just feel happier

living apart and sometimes you're going to be at mummy and sometimes you're going to be a daddy and they didn't really say anything and then that's when we started talking about some of the presents or like and they were like oh can we get the paw patrol and we were like okay cool and then nothing was ever discussed ever again don't get me wrong we have I have had moments with the kids where they've said things and they pull at your heartstrings. But honestly, I think a lot of the time they do it on purpose and they know what they're doing. I've had moments where I was like, I miss daddy and I want daddy. And it's like, you're only saying that because I've just said no about something.

And I've had the moments of, oh, but daddy lets us do this. And I just say, that's really cool. Well, let's look forward to it when we go to daddy. But at mummy, we ain't doing that so i guess it's just trying to find that balance of co-parenting and doing it in a way that hopefully you have the same type of parenting i know a lot of a lot of partners don't have the same parenting methods and maybe that's the breakdown in their relationship initially i believe or like to believe we have a similar parenting style so we haven't actually told the kids as of yet and again i think why whilst our situation of where

people will be living on a more permanent basis isn't decided i don't think it's necessary yeah at the moment i mean milo's a little bit too young to understand, really. We say it to him because I feel like, well, maybe he does understand a bit. I don't know. But the way we've just said it is, Daddy's going to live with Nanny and Grandad at the moment, and it's very blasé. Have they asked any questions, Thea?

In the beginning, it was like, oh, like, how long is is daddy gonna be at nanny and granddad's but now he's very much like oh daddy lives at nanny and granddad yeah and you know like when i go to nanny and granddad's and it's very it's not it doesn't bother him he doesn't really talk about it anymore it's just a thing it's but also sometimes i feel like depending on their age sometimes it's not necessary to have that whole sit down chat and i don't know i don't know whether we will at some point when like i said we've got more a firm idea but it's like what you're saying like i mean we are we are 100 done i've filed for divorce like it's there's i'm no going back there's no going back yeah and

it's not to do with that. But I think until, you know, I know, you know, daddy's got a new house or whatever it is. I just think whilst there's not really a problem with that, it is obviously not causing Theo any. I mean, the fact that they were arriving with his behavior, I feel like. Yeah.

Nothing to say. Like I need lots of people because I do get asked this. How did you tell the boys? And yeah, I haven't. We haven't sat down and had anything formal. It's just kind of been a changing situation. And, you know, they do pick up on a lot. Like I said, Theo is a very, very hypersensitive child.

And, you know, he said to me the other day, goes mummy daddy broke your heart oh stop and i looked at him and he goes it's okay i fixed it and it just he actually cares man he's like he's the most caring child i honestly feel like he has got me through so many making me emotional think about it he's got me through so many days but you don't realize how much they pick up on and I know what Tash said like in the early day like Tash had obviously try not to speak toxically about the other partner I agree I think in the early days it can be really hard when you're trying to process everything that's happened and you're obviously telling people and for me as a full-time mum and having you know the i was only in nursery two days

a week annoyingly sometimes he was there when i was telling people and perhaps he did hear things that in hindsight don't beat yourself up no i know in hindsight i wish you hadn't heard because they are sponges and they pick up on everything. And if I could change that, I would. Again, I'm not going to beat myself up. I was dealing with something very big at the time. Do you know what? As I said, we didn't really argue in front of the kids.

When we lived together, we didn't really argue. Maybe we did at night time and stuff and they were asleep. But I remember there was one massive argument that we had and the kids were in the stuff and they were asleep but i remember there was one massive argument that we had and the kids were in the house and they were awake and i remember that there was one point where blake came up to us a few times whilst we were arguing saying can you stop arguing and i was so heated i couldn't stop i just went on and on and on. Like, it happens. As well, I think we put all this pressure on, like, trying to help our kids regulate their emotions,

but we're humans and we're still learning. Well, yeah, trying to manage your own emotions while having to think about them. No, like, that's what I've realised is, like, it's like just normal mum guilt, even, like, unrelated to everything. Like, you can be having the best day and then something will happen. You might have snapped when you wish you'd had more patience and you will dwell and dwell and dwell on the fact you snapped but actually like we're human we're learning all the time and

managing our own emotions when you're trying to deal with something life-changing yeah trying to process that and trying to think of everything else you still need to do and be a good mom and work and this and that you just need to cut yourself some slack and be like you're gonna slip up sometimes you're gonna react in a way you don't want to react or they're gonna hear things you don't want to and I think when you like free yourself from that guilt and just accept it but you know what else I think that owner like I i remember the next day i sat blake down and i said i know that you heard mummy and daddy fight and that wasn't very nice and i'm sorry that you heard that mummy and daddy have made up and we're friends again sometimes you and ivy argue yeah so i think also like it's not such a bad thing that just to own it and apologise to a child

or make them realise that actually like I'm human too. It's like some people asked about, oh, like, did Theo see me cry? Yeah, he did. And I think it's important for them to see all these. It's okay when you're crying. To recognise what those emotions are. 100%. Name them to say, mummy is feeling sad, mummy is crying and that's okay. And like what those are my name them to say mommy is feeling sad mommy

is crying and that's okay and like especially with him being a young boy i always want him to be able to you know know that it's okay to cry yeah and be comfortable i cried your emotion i cried so much in front of my kids and i do you know what's so nice is i remember one day just sitting upstairs crying and ivy just came up to me and she gave me a hug and didn't ask anything about it she just gave me a hug and then she went back downstairs like yeah it's okay to cry and that's what I say to Theo sometimes if he's crying like it's absolutely okay to cry sometimes it feels better once you've had a cry and it's like what you're saying like one thing I've always done and I do do this in every kind of step of my parenting is if I have

snapped at one of the kids I will always say sorry because that is recognizing you are human sometimes we respond in ways we don't want to but it's also showing them and modeling that behavior as to how you want them to behave and it's another thing like with Theo that I've noticed really recently is if he'll do something like shouting more often than not now he will come up to me and be like sorry about the way I behaved or sorry no what was he going sorry about

that mummy and it's just like I don't know it makes me feel like I'm doing something right and I'm modelling you know what it's even when like completely off the subject but the other day i swore and like the kids obviously have heard some swear words now and i think they know what a naughty word is and they both were like and like i think a lot of people like a lot of adults like excuse would be like if they're like you just said a rude word and i think an automatic response is well i'm mummy mummy can do what she wants. But actually, I turned around and I was like,

that was really naughty of mummy. Thank you for highlighting it. I'll make sure that I don't do that again. I'm really sorry you heard me say that because I don't think that there should be one rule for me and them. I don't like putting people like on different... Well, like the kids will then feel like, oh, so when I'm older, I can just swear loads.

So, yeah yeah I just think it's kind of being realistic with also managing your own emotions like that's the thing the thing that I struggled with mostly with separating was being able to kind of like deal with me and what I was going on with yeah as well then being present so yeah we hope that was helpful in terms of like obviously for those of you who are thinking you might need to go and tell your children what's going on or you know just kind of ideas for I guess like managing your emotions I think also just generally that mum guilt of you know how you feel whether you're with your kids or you're without your kids that isn't a right or wrong like sometimes I miss them and want them

and other days I am looking forward to my mum free time like why not like when I'm with them it's intense I'm on my own with three kids so I look forward to my weekend on my own and I won't feel bad for it like you may as well make the most of it because then before you know it they're back with you I want to recoup so I can then parent better when I'm with my kids on my own fill up your own cup so you can pour oh I like that I just made it up did you no but it's so difficult filling up your card but I can't remember the exact fill up my cup so also what i wanted to do was you guys have been sending us some emails they may not be relevant to what we've been talking about but i thought we'd take a look at them yeah and if you want to feature on any of the episodes please just email us on not as we planned podcast at gmail.com i think it's really important for you guys to feel like there is a community because i

think that kind of was the reason behind this podcast is there are so many people going through it and it can feel like such a lonely time so writing in sharing you know it's so nice like when you listen to the story and you feel like you can relate to it 100 and it's a safe space like it can be completely anonymous we're not going to share any names unless you want us to um so yeah so let's see where we are with this one so this person's put hey both love that you now have a podcast and feel it will help so many people i'm struggling it's been two months since my husband of seven years has left um i haven't really got the real reason but now it turns out that he was cheating the thing i'm struggling with is the guilt that my children are missing out on a family unit although they are

supported by family between my parents and also still his family but the whole being us four still also the struggle with him being able to do what he wants work away in the week and me being left to do everything on top of the life change and heart yeah heartache um I mean yeah that's literally completely how I felt so I can really really relate to this um having that guilt of missing out on the family unit I think it's inevitable to feel that way I mean I think we both agree it's been like one of the hardest parts and I also think that's probably a lot of the reasons why people stay when they're maybe not happy but you know it's like we put a quote on our page say that like having your kids grow up in a toxic environment is much worse than just having the you know family unit we're so used

to it being defined as having two parents who are together and the kids and just sometimes that's not functional and it doesn't mean your children are loved any less and I think I know for me I would rather my kids grow up in a happy carefree home that's full of love whether that comes from one parent at a given time do you know what I mean like whether it's in my house they feel it for me or whatever it is um you know coming and growing up in a hostile environment or you know an environment full of arguing that's definitely nowhere near as beneficial as being on your own so I think we seem to put a lot of pressure on ourselves massively and you know what else i thought the other day i feel like we are meant to be setting an example to our kids to kind of show them and love and a relationship like i wouldn't want my kids being in the sort of relationship I was in and and being and and staying staying in this like

like I want my kids to feel really loved by their partner and if we're not able to show that to them how do we expect them to want to get it I want my my kids to grow up and be like my my well look everyone wants their kids to grow up and be like my my well look everyone wants their kids to grow up and be like my mummy and daddy loved each other so much I really want that but I would rather them turn around and be like oh my mummy and daddy didn't didn't end up together however maybe in years to come my mummy's now got my stepdad and they love each other so much and I hope for that love one day but look like my parents are about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary that's obviously fucking goals but who's to say I won't get that yeah and

it might it's just a different way yeah like I just think that I want to set an example of what a good relationship is like and I don't want to hold on to a mediocre one just so i've got a family unit i agree thank you for sending that in yeah and chin up you've got this okay so i've only just started following you both finding your account really helpful as my husband said he wanted to separate a week and a half ago complete shock we have a seven week old baby and even just the emotions of just a new baby even when you're with a partner like i just can't i can't fathom this without me think how long has he been feeling like that yeah i would love to hear in your podcast any advice on navigating the early days and emotions when you're with your children also how you told your children which we've

already just discussed um our four-year-old is a daddy's boy so i'm dreading when this time comes it would also be very helpful if there was anything on remaining friends and living together while co-parenting while we're living together and co-parenting as there won't be much change for our four-year-old we're not going to be telling him until he's older and understands. And if and when his daddy moves out. Which would likely be in about two years. Due to maternity leave and nursery costs. Look I mean. It's hard for me to comment. Because I mean.

I be co-parented in the same house for two months. Two years. I completely understand if it's due to finances. And that is. Do you know what? That is so hard when it's not as simple as it just being happiness and being able to start with new lives like some people are so reliant on their partner but I think majority probably are I reckon majority

of people message me saying I want to leave but I can't afford to and that breaks my heart and I feel that there must be something that can be done I mean I I don't know like it it makes me sad but you know what if you're listening to this and you do know of like ways of support or something but like she's really brave because the fact that they can't afford to live apart but they're still separating like i i think that's really really brave i think as well like navigating the early stages particularly where you've got a baby who's so young i definitely would just get all the support you can from your family you're gonna need i mean even with a newborn anyway, you need that support. But I think you're trying to process some really big emotions, you know, try and get as much help with your four-year-old as you can as well and try and have a bit of time.

Like, you're going to be feeling all sorts of, like, ups and downs anyway. Like, those early days of motherhood are a blur and full of sleep deprivation and all sorts also i can't imagine navigating that pain i mean the only thing i would say is if you're if you're able to be amicable then do it but if it's a unsettled argument environment toxic surely anyone can move in and sleep on a sofa at their parents or something that's the only thing i would say like i know it's easier said than done and finances is like a really really big strain and stressful but i guess all i would say is just think about the environment for

the kids if if you can be amiable some people generally just fall out of love with each other and it just turns into friendship and if that that is the case, a lot of people can coexist. And then if that... No, yeah. I think when there's no... Betrayal or infidelity or anything like that, a lot of people do just generally fall out of love. And if then that is the easiest way to continue your life for the time being

and you're both happy to be hands-on with a seven-week-old baby that would probably actually be my preference but obviously we didn't just like fall out of love and like no and people's situations are different yeah but my heart goes out to you and i really hope that your little baby is doing well and you're doing well um who else have we got here hey ladies so i have two small children now aged four and two last september me and my now ex partner and kids were due to move house about four days before i went out for dinner with my friends and said i'd got feeling my partner was cheating on me with his sister's best friend they said no way surely not so i never thought about it again really

fast forward to the night before we're moving house and he tells me he's leaving me he had an epiphany and he's going and won't be moving into the new house i sat him down and asked him to his face was he cheating he couldn't look me in the eye he denied it called me crazy. Love a gaslighter. He was then going out on play dates with her and her child three days after he left me. My kids have been around her three days after he left, but what could I do when he keeps saying they're just friends? Fast forward to the end of September, I go to my daughter's school one morning to drop her off and who do i see in the classroom it's her the girl i had my suspicions about she's now a teaching assistant in my daughter's class oh my god the woman who i believe broke my family up i now have to see every fucking morning i asked him again is anything going on and he says no fast forward to january we had booked center

parks which i had taken off the booking i asked him would oh she was removed from the booking i asked him would she be going he said no you're crazy why would she be there we're not together turns out she was there sharing a room with him and my kids he even still denied it after i found this out so i go to the school i asked the teacher i had the teacher have they been told anything about this woman and my daughter's dad and she replied oh yeah that they live they are together and living together oh my god i nearly fell to the floor i finally got it confirmed for my daughter's school in March. After all them months of being made to feel crazy, that is the worst. Anyway, it's a very long story short, but my question is, how do I stop hating him so much so I can move on with my life? My hate for him and for how he gaslit me is affecting me so much. I've tried to heal, but it's hard whilst

also being a single mum. He also won't see the kids. He sees them twice a month. Where do I go Oh, first of all, I'm so sorry. I know. I've got goosebumps. Like, sorry, but firstly, can I say, there are so many assholes in this world. It actually makes me sad. Do you know what, though? Like, I actually feel slightly

sorry for the new girl yeah because i'm telling you now she won't it won't last like if he is able to treat the mother of his children that way then you have had a lucky escape like first of all sorry i'm i'm just i'm just processing what we've just listened to because i'm i'm fuming like my blood the gaslighting is that it's when they make you feel like you're insane yeah and you're not and you know you're not but they make you feel and believe that you are and i one thing i will always say is in my experience your instinct is never wrong yeah it's never wrong and i i think my advice for not being angry honestly is trying to reframe your mindset in the thinking thank god i am not with a compulsive liar and for a man who clearly has such little respect for me

and to almost like feel like again it's like what Tash and I have mentioned before is the person you were with and loved it sounds like he no longer exists I'm sorry if someone's capable of doing that of lying to you of gaslighting that surely isn't a person that you want in your life and i think i think that sense of being free of that i know for me it's that sense of relief that i don't need to put up with crap i don't want to put up i also just feel like when a new relationship starts through infidelity yeah surely there's no trust like karma karma is a real thing i just i don't know i just feel like i can completely appreciate the anger you must have right now because i feel angry for and that is valid and i think it's

important oh my god how you feel it's totally valid and be angry yeah i just think I also think for me I still I see a therapist once a week it's been an absolute like godsend for me I think it's so necessary in a healing process to see a therapist and I would suggest trying to seek someone that you click with but i just think that with that whole situation i mean the fact that he even allowed it to get to the night before you were moving house just shows shows the that he's a coward lots of respects i'm sorry honestly like i know it must be so frustrating that this new person you have to see every day and they're around your child. But all I can say is good luck to that person because she's now going to be, she's just now in a bed with someone that is able to do that to another person. Like, he is just a walking red flag like you know I sit there sometimes and I remember how I used to be really upset and be like I'm so upset like

I miss him what am I going to do when he's with someone else but really if you think about it like list all the things that he has done to you would you want to be with that person are they qualities you'd look for in like a partner i i still feel slightly speechless to what you've just read out like it i'm so sorry you're going through that and and i hope you know and can somehow work on finding your self-worth and knowing it's it's not you as much as he may make you feel like yeah do you know what that that is something that we haven't really touched on yet it's something that i really struggled with for a long time i felt like like why wasn't i good enough for him to be a good person to me but it wasn't me it's never it it

was it was him and it's him like yeah it's not like but you're just gonna have to go through the stages of like feeling that anger and eventually as you slowly accept that he is also he obviously isn't a good person he isn't worth it sadly obviously you he's not able to like not be in your life because you share a child although saying that if he doesn't even want to see you or try to see his child much I mean it says it all like you're obviously so much better than him he's set the bar extremely low so yeah my heart goes out to you I feel like he has made it definitely easier for you to be able to move on because it's not like you can sit there and be like i'm gonna miss this and i'm gonna miss that because it sounds like he didn't bring lunch to the table when they do something awful because like for me i know i i've found that easier being able to hate someone yeah

absolutely it is easier when they're not a good person it's sort of like well what are you holding on to and it is a lot of it is often that um almost like that habit of being with them it's all you know and that can sometimes be the hardest way is sticking away from that yeah it's it's a bad habit yeah let's do one more hi both first of all super excited about the podcast i've been following you to begin my story me and my ex-fiance were together for eight years for all of our adult life we had our first baby in September 19 after having fertility treatment it was tough as our baby had CMPA and wasn't diagnosed until he was 11 weeks and so we had weeks and weeks of relentless screaming and no sleep we were told babies babies to cry and we were constantly dismissed due to being first-time

parents it was tough but we got through it together then lockdown happened and we were stuck in with a six-month-old. My anxiety got really bad. I spoke to a doctor and was prescribed medication and had a course of CBT which helped massively. Fast forward to 2021 and we buy our first house, three bedrooms so we can expand our family. March 22 we fell pregnant and got a puppy. Brave. My pregnancy was horrendous second time round. I dealt with constant sickness, low iron, low blood pressure and PGP which meant I couldn't walk without pain and was given crutches. However, six months into my pregnancy and just after our son's third birthday my partner left.

Man. The only reason... Can't handle the heat. The only reason I was given was he was happier on his own and wanted to be able to do his own thing such as cricket and fishing sorry i swear honestly i didn't expect or see this coming at all i mean who has a baby if they're planning to leave i was completely broken felt like I was in a black hole and couldn't get out my future was uncertain and I was constantly

crying me and my son would be sobbing on the way to nursery while he was asking where daddy is because he missed him I thought how could I cope without him I was so worried about giving birth alone having a newborn and a toddler to look after and I was grieving the man I loved and thought i would spend the rest of my life with i've got goosebumps this is horrible i was worried my boys would blame me for their dad leaving and again all these feelings you can see how normal they are like yeah they're so common none of it made sense so i did some investigating and found messages between him and a work colleague he was adamant that they were just friends eight months later they are an item and live together my suspicions were right i knew i needed to be in the best place mentally for my boys i worried about the bond that i would have with my unborn

child as i felt like it was his fault and how wrong was i i tapped into so many different resources podcasts cbt journaling and I saw a parent infant psychologist. I did a mummy shock course, increased my medication and had therapy. All of this combined allowed me to think positively and look forward instead of back, constantly beating myself up about what I should or could have done differently. I no longer blame myself as a result of therapy. Once my baby was born, the bomb was instant and I knew that my boys were going to get me through and I wanted to be the best mum for them. The newborn stage was hard, but I learnt to breastfeed

whilst cooking, cleaning, bathing and dressing my toddler. My eldest has also had to become an independent child quicker and he is the best helper for me. Oh, I'm getting a bit emotional. I worry that I won't be good enough and no one oh sorry can you oh sorry I got it I'm sorry though I'm sorry I worry that I won't be good enough and no one will want to be a single mum of

no one will want to be with a single mum of two very young boys i can't date when i'm at home every single night with the boys i'm not working as i'm on maternity leave until the end of the year and this is an obstacle i'm yet to overcome my experience has made me realize i want to become a therapist so i can help others and use this as a positive oh god it's so emotional oh you're amazing honestly i have so much more i can add to my story i haven't even touched the sides of parenting i'm not sure how you're going to share this content but i'm happy to jump on a call we might have to get in contact honestly like i just want like we are emotional and i think that's important like it is very raw and real podcast

but can i say women are freaking amazing like the things people put up with and deal with whilst being a mother which is in itself the hardest thing i've ever done in my life but dealing with all the crap that seemingly men oh it's a really good angle I just think like people said to me before and I'm sure this lady's probably had it as well but people say

God you're so strong you're so strong and thing is every single one of you listening has that strength you just don't know you have it until you have no choice but to be strong until you literally have no choice you don't realize like the inner strength you have to cope with someone like if someone had told me a year ago that I would have been dealing with everything I've dealt with this year

I would have been like there's no way I could have got through it. But you do. And this woman, I think the whole fact she wants to go on to help other people, you sound like, honestly, a really special person. And whoever gets to work with you in the future is incredibly lucky. And whoever, you know, I have no doubt you will one day meet someone and be incredibly happy and if not you've got your two boys which is someone of mummy of two boys an incredibly special bond to have yeah and I just maybe want to add that like I feel like

at the beginning stages when you break up from your partner who you expected to spend your life with and then maybe if you do find out that they are with someone else. I know it's so easy to say now coming out of the other side but I feel like if you were meant to be

and they were a good enough person and knew your worth then you wouldn't be where you are now. Like, life is too short to stay in a relationship or be with someone that doesn't treat you like a fucking queen. Literally, you would not be a listener. Yeah, she sounds like the most amazing person. All I can say is he's lost. He has lost her. Yeah.

amazing person he's lost he has lost yeah you know and the fact you've shown so much strength like i think you've handled that in a way that some women will be like how on earth has she pulled herself through that i just think you're incredible and hopefully that that inspires anyone who's going through anything remotely like that, that they can absolutely do it too. Yeah. I mean, that was honestly, I feel like that was a really nice way to sort of like end this episode. I just want anyone listening to really, you know,

understand that if you're going through, even just like someone listening to this who's not even a mum and they're just going generally through a breakup, like you're not alone. Like is hard it is shitty but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and just to always remember your self-worth in it like what tash says you are her freaking queen do not let anyone treat you other than than like a queen it's one thing i'm i feel confident in saying now like i won't tolerate i won't tolerate anything left no agreed but yeah guys sorry for like falling at the end and

sniffing down the microphone but yeah thank you guys for listening and make sure you hit subscribe yeah and tune in next week and obviously share this with anyone that you feel like would like to listen and yeah thank you guys love you lot thank you bye