Not As We Planned - 30. What Would You Rather??

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

Valentine’s Day might be approaching but we aren’t talking all roses and sunshine’s this week. We share your date fails, terrible valentines stories and want to know if you would rather give up sex toys or microwaves! Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode. We are talking about, no we're not. We're talking about Valentine's Day. Well, no, hold on. Anyone listening to this, I don't want them to think like,

oh, I hate Valentine's Day. Switch off. No, we're going to be talking about things that make you happy or single. I'm joking. Yeah, it's broad, broad chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...

How's your week been? How's my week been? An honest update. Let's broad, broad chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. How's your week been? How's my week been? An honest update. Let's give an honest update. Yeah, I'm back to today is day one of no contact. So she's doing really well with the no contact thing. No contact is fucking hard, okay? Anyone trying to go through no contact.

And do you know what's really weird? I get so many messages on my Instagram being like, I don't why are you doing no contact i thought that this was like a normal given like when you break up with someone and you don't have children the only way to move on 100 is no contact but i feel like back in the day it's what you would do but you maybe wouldn't title it no contact you just would not speak to them i guess there wasn't like so many options of different so it wasn't me yeah right but like yeah we have both agreed that the only way to possibly move forward is no contact granted we haven't really been doing a great job of it but that was in january we're now in feb it's now feb. Feb is no contact month. And I'm doing really well because it's been 12 hours. I just think that there was quite a bit of yo-yoing and back and forth.

And I think it is hard when you've still got a lot of love there from both sides and no one's done anything wrong. But I think it's time to accept that we have different needs. wrong but I think it's time to accept that we have different needs and sadly it's just one of those things that we both are better not together

so yeah that is me happy what did you say um must have been a fun week. Really good week. I got laser hair removal.

Oh, yeah. No, the laser's pain free. I did get my tattoos third session. It's the most painful thing in the world. I won't lie to anyone who's thinking about getting it done. It feels like someone's slicing your wound open. Really? But it's like less than a minute.

So I hate my tattoo that much that it's worth it. And she like breaks it down for me. And I'm like, it's always like quite therapeutic in a really weird way. Like when you're going through something. That's why I know what I make. That's why I went and got my ears pierced. I went rogue on my breakup. I'm going to get my third hole.

Do it when we go to that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to be like, pierce me somewhere. I'm going to get my third hole. Do it when we go to that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to be like, pierce me somewhere. Pierce my clit. People do that. I'm not having my clit. No, you don't have to.

Oh, that makes me feel funny. Yeah. I wonder what it's like. I do think nipple piercings on women can look quite sexy. Not for me. I feel like tonight it's just something. On a small boob so i would i don't think i would it'd be like i feel like like my i did like a little ring i

think it's cute yeah a stud but if my boobs weren't saggy and they i used to have the Have the pertest. Pertest? Pert. Pert? Isn't it perky? I think they're both words. Anyway.

No, no, no, no. No. Pert. No, sorry. Pert. Pert. P-E-R-T. Oh, sorry.

Pert. Perky. Pert. Is that how you call it? Pert. No. Is it a healthy thing? No, it's not a thing.

What is pert female? Yeah. Energetic, enthusiastic and calm. No, no, no, no. Babe, I promise you. A bodily feature, attractively small and well-shaped. That is what I would describe my old boobs as. Attractively formed and well shaped. I had attractively well formed boobs

until they had the life socks out of them by two. The pert brush. See, I was right. But then anyway, a point being if I had my old boobs that were small upright perky perts, I

would probably consider it but it's a bit loose and it's just not for me. This weekend, what did you pert. I would probably consider it, but it was a bit loose and it's just not for me. This weekend, what did you do? I chilled. We did nothing. We had a really chilled weekend, which is exactly what we needed.

That's good. Yeah. On the way here, I did... You had a coffee. I literally had covered it up. To be fair... I had that weed over myself. But I opened my coffee cup and it literally, just in the face.

Yeah, I don't drink coffee. So anyway, yeah, not a very thrilling update, guys. Sorry. No, sorry. I think my no contact breaking was probably more exciting. Sorry. Right. Should we, like, we got loads of emails, like like all different things about like dating a bit of

sex vibe so let's get stuck in let's do it okay let's start with a dating advice one are we ready yeah i love listening to your podcast and it's helped me immensely with my healing journey i recently started dating after breaking up with my narcissistic ex in September. The guy I've been seeing is seemingly the exact opposite of my ex. He's patient, kind, thoughtful, calm and honestly makes me feel amazing when I'm with him. Green flag. Unfortunately my relationship with my ex is turbulent to say the least. He regularly tries to control me and our children and kicks off and is verbally manipulative and abusive when he does not get what he wants or the reaction he wants due to his volatile behavior i'm extremely reluctant for anyone to see me and

the guy i have been seeing because of this we spend most of our time either in a city far enough away that no one would recognize us or hiding in my house when my ex has the children now whilst i love spending time with this guy and he is really showing me how to slow down and become a less frantic i have developed an ick oh she's developed the ick makes me sad when you develop the ick when they're a good person oh no, no. Oh, no. You know that TikTok? Do you know what one I mean? Oh, my God. Oh, no.

I really liked San. It wasn't San. Oh, yeah, D-Name. Yeah, D-Name. Oh, no. It was Sandra. Is it? Oh, Sandra.

I really like Sandra. I know it acts not good. He eats with his mouth open and quite loudly. I didn't notice it at first, but I now struggle to concentrate on anything else if we ever eat together. Have you seen that meme where he's like... Oh, that is really unattractive.

Would you call him out on his loud and visual eating or do I cut my losses and resign myself to the fact that I need to find a quieter and more peaceful chomp? Oh, God. the fact that I need to find a quieter, more peaceful chomper. I am an absolute people pleaser. And the thought of having to bring it up in this awkward conversation is filling me with dread. Love you guys.

Hang in there, Tash. You're doing a great job. Thank you so much. The thing is, the ick is a bit of a difficult one, isn't it? Because I feel like once you get the ick. How do you get rid of the ick is a bit of a difficult one isn't it because i feel like once you get the ick how do you get rid of an it do you do you like come away from that ick like can it go i feel like it depends how icky the love is or how deep the feelings are i personally would try and say it but in like a jokey band all right let's act it out then Should we?

I can't Let me just do a bit of Hold on Right ready? Yeah Trigger warning Oh There it is

Babe I'm so happy you're enjoying the meal I made you but I don't want to see it in your mouth I could not I don't know I think I would literally

sit there and just die I feel like I'm bad at stuff like't know. I think I would literally sit there and just die. I feel like I'm bad at stuff like that. Or do I go like this? Do you like that? Because it's really annoying, isn't it? I think the thing is, I don't know how, like, because she's like, I love you, but please close your mouth.

I feel like if you love them enough you'd have to like find something at that point of like I love you can't be like I really like that but I don't know what I would do

not that I have one anymore but I would literally be like I can see inside your mouth I just don't know what I would do would you not I don't know I'd be like

love you but you know I'm friends. Yeah, I'd just be honest. Do you know what? Although it's filling you with dread, I would say something. Can you imagine walking away?

You said that he is perfect in every way. Yeah, but he chews lovely. And that'd be the one thing that brings you home. Don't get me wrong. One of my friends has a real issue with it, with and it like really triggers her really yeah well that's making me like wonder do i do anything really annoying triggering that i don't know about i definitely think you can get the ick and still and and and get rid of the ick yeah i do know do you know what if it's really early dating and they do something you're like, uh, ick, then like, yeah.

And bin them off. Yeah, but the fact that it sounds like you've been together for quite a while. Do you know what? I think, I don't know how I would do it, but I feel like I wouldn't want that to ruin my relationship, so I'd just like find a way. I'd probably do it not in person.

I'd probably like text them. Just know that it can be taken so wrongly. It can be so wrongly construed. Yeah, no, I agree. It needs to be done whilst he's chewing. If it's done outside... If it's done, please do it while he's chomping. Because if you do it outside of an eating situation,

it means that you've actually, like, been, like, thinking about it. No, I would literally be like, oh, babe, I love you. Do you mind trying to chew slightly quieter because it's it's like well like i don't know if it's just me but i have really sensitive it is and i can hear i can hear and see what's in your mouth kiss me inside or chew chew him while you're giving him a blowjob and he sees like

what are you doing I'm just copying you how you eat don't do that that's the worst advice I've heard don't think I'll want you back

if you're chomping on that you should be like I thought you liked chomping I would just say it just get it out and then will you give us an update

and let us know if you end up moving on from him? There's our dating advice. Valentine's thoughts. Hi, ladies. This year will be my first Valentine's alone for 15 years. Six months ago, I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'm so bloody grateful. My husband of five years, partner of 15,

came home six months ago and told me he had been having an affair for two years well i mean at least he told her no it's not at least is it i just feel like don't get me wrong i feel like in most situations it's being found out yeah two years to see someone for what i would love to know i would love to know at what point he's thought probably because he wants to get even more serious maybe. Anyway, he had been having an affair for two years, standard, girl from work, work trips, etc. So I love what we do.

I love our podcast. I love that we can help people. I do find it really hard hearing like the same things because you know when you want to have faith in people and be like, not everyone's like this and then like feel like everything's the girl from work. But the thing is, I think what we've got to realise is the reason why it is the girl from work is because that's where predominantly men are. No, I agree.

So it's not every man that goes to work is going to have an affair with someone at work. It's every affair tends to be at work. No, you're right. They're two very different things you were right always as i was sat there holding our four month old baby and our four year old set that oh that's four month baby and they and he was having a affair for two years oh god what a prick but i don't understand that. I don't understand what part of him thought that was okay. Holly, it's good that you don't understand it. I always don't understand it because it shows you as a person compared to him.

My initial thought, I'm not surprised, told me everything. I felt like my life was over. The next two weeks were the hardest of my life. My two babies were my sunshine during the darkest days. Totally understand that. What I realise now, which makes me really sad, is that I settled. I settled because I wanted the family. I settled because married and settled because I thought he was my best friend. Reflecting on our relationship, I probably haven't felt excited or special for any special dates birthdays Christmas Valentine's for the past 10 years

gone other days I allow that to happen I relate to that so much like and it's like what we've said before like I feel like sometimes when things kind of just go from one thing to another you don't ever stop and think am I happy it's just like the logical next step yeah like because i remember like my first year in my old relationship it was like a really big fuss about valentine's and birthdays and like as time i'm not saying that's what it comes down to but it is that feeling of everything should still be exciting you should be made to feel loved you should be made to feel special. You should be made to feel special. And I just feel like, I don't know,

when that person stops making you feel like those things, sometimes we don't even realize they've stopped until, like, I really relate to this because I feel like it wasn't until I was out that I looked back. Yeah. Anyway, navigating the past few months out of the darkness, I realized how lonely i was and

how negative the relationship got because i resented him for still living his life and more i wish i trusted my instinct but i know i would have been met with the usual bullshit of it's all in your head i honestly say the only part of this i am now struggling with is not seeing my children every other weekend because i never signed up to parenthood for that I relate to that as well as something I shared this week is like and the comments on the reel it was like for me like the hardest part of being a single mum is having time apart from my kids forced on me when that's not my choice yeah and in the comments like so many women were like i didn't become a mum to just see my kids for a fraction of the time like i wanted to be with them all

this really invested in their childhoods and like i think that's one of that that is ultimately for me the hardest part is having those things taken away from you and especially when you feel like things may not have necessarily been on your terms. You feel really like there's a big injustice. Yeah. And I completely, and I know it's not helpful, but I think a lot of us single mums feel exactly the same. And I think it's a very valid feeling. And not just single mums.

I imagine single dads who perhaps want more time. Yeah. We struggle with that element as well. We're missing out on things. I know I'll find love again. I know there is someone out there for me who will respect and want me like I want them. But now is not that time. This year is my Valentine's Day.

Learning to love myself, love the mother that I am to my babies and love finding my confidence again love this energy instead of getting caught up and feeling lonely or rushing into something i know i'm not ready for i'm looking forward to decorating the house for the kids the two real loves of my life and i'll spend the evenings cheersing to myself how fucking hard i've worked the past six months i feel so strong, empowered and excited for what's to come in my life. Thanks to him, I now know my worth, know the type of person I want to spend my life with

and starting to find happiness through myself again. I started listening to your podcast at the start of this life-changing event and I can't tell you how much you've helped me and given me hope when I really needed it. So thank you. Here's to all the strong mamas out there this Valentine's we got this. Oh, that was really nice.

I think I'd be a very interesting house. Do you know, when you hit that point of like, realizing like so much of this is hard and like when you're treated in a way that's not okay. And it is that like light bulb moment when you realize like i deserve so much better than any of this like sometimes i stop myself from my tracks i don't know if you do so i like stop myself from my tracks like how is this my life like now am i a single parent doing this on my own like i, I don't know.

I just, some things catch me off guard sometimes. And I think you're absolutely smashing it. And I regularly get thoughts like, I deserve, I know I'm a good person. Like, I know I have so much love to give. I know I'm caring and kind and loyal. And I'm like, you had like, what? Yeah. loyal when i'm like you had like what yeah no that email um just really nice to hear someone

be so positive about some shitty outcome um and just her like celebrating like what she's gone through and stuff i think is empowering like i i need to um maybe take a leaf out of your book maybe you can come and see me on Valentine's Day right here's one this is called disaster day hey girlies ready to hear this disaster day so I met a man a few years ago and thought he was the most gorgeous person I'd ever seen in my life I then later went for a job interview that month and to my surprise it was the same man. I was literally buzzing and so excited. I didn't get on well with the company and I did leave after a few months so I didn't see him again. Fast forward four years later and he popped up on my Instagram and asked to take me out on a date. I was so excited and agreed to meet him

two days later. He texted me at 12 o'clock on the day saying he was going for a nap and that he'd be ready to pick me up at five for food and drinks that would give me the year i'm just going to have a lunch time after my bottle of milk can people can people please let us know is it normal for men to nap because I feel like a lot of men nap like a lot

maybe it's like mums just don't because they don't have the time but I feel like men are napping I love the idea of napping I've done it

on the occasion well you know those nights where you're like it always makes you feel a hundred times better yeah I agree but

is it a man thing but the sack that like they hadn't met if i was going on a day don't don't and he messaged me being like i'm just going to go and have a nap before i come and pick you up i'd be like okay are you coming in your jammies just so weird there's just some things guys to keep to yourself so i'm gonna quickly go and do a shit and then i'll pick you up well do you know like there's just some things guys to keep to yourself so I'm gonna quickly go and do a shit and then I'll fuck you up

do you know like it's just weird oh dear me obviously I'd rather them like tell me about their nap than their shit but um have you heard

of the three S's like I'm gonna just say shout out and show yeah yeah that's just

men yeah that's my dad's my favorite saying i'm gonna go and do the three s's sorry dad um so hold on um going for a nap but he would be ready to pick me up at five for food and drinks i got all dressed up makeup done hair done and sat and sat and sat he never even bloody showed up i text him later that day asking what had happened. 24 hours later, still no message. He then replied, sorry, I was asleep.

Guess it was a bit rude I didn't message you or cancel. Can't even write it. Thought this was a coincidence and must have been fate. But clearly he's just a massive red flag. What is wrong with these people? I don't even understand that. Like, why tell someone that you're going to take them out and then ghost them also i appreciate when you're a girl and you have like

an everything shower yeah and you've taken the time you know you've probably thought of your fake tan yeah you've planned your hair washes like like for me i don't personally understand ghosting i just be upfront about it yeah sorry. Sorry, I haven't changed my mind. You made a lucky escape, babe. Had you met up with him, it sounds like he would have just been toxic. I feel like someone like that doesn't respect your energy or your time. I feel like anyone who doesn't respect your time is not worth your time. He's probably having a nap.

Shit. Okay, Valentine's Red Flag. So my ex, my son's sperm donor, I call him as he does FA and is abusive, had a girlfriend of five years whilst being with me for two

and I had no idea, capital letters. He spent... Oh my God, hold on. How can a man have a baby with another woman for two years and a woman of five years doesn't know? It's disgusting. Wait, and does he have kids with the other?

Hold on, who does he live with? I don't know. I want to know. I need to know. Message him. Right. He spent Valentine's with her, but as I was on my period,

we had booked a hotel for a few days after Valentine's. Sorry. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry, babe. I'm not going to get any. Can we do Valentine's Day in like four days' time? Just have sex on your period. Or just give him a bluzzer.

You don't need to necessarily, like there's other... Sorry, I'm not taking you to a hotel while you're currently on your menstrual cycle. You're like, whatever, you're Valentine's, babe. Wait till you're off the blob. But he was buzzing me. He had an excuse. I'm sorry, I had that in myself. At this point, I had zero idea they were together. In which I fell pregnant with my son on that night. And not long after, I found out I was the other woman.

Oh, my God. No. And not long after, I found out I was the other woman when her family messaged me abuse, saying they hope my baby die and calling me a slag when I had no idea. Can you imagine being the other woman and not knowing? Obviously, really bad for the other woman as well. Yeah. I wonder if they've got kicked.

I know this is what I'm saying. Sorry. as well yeah oh i mean i wonder if they've got kicked i know this is what i'm saying but sorry it pains me that people like this exist and have that much that little respect for someone like it's just it makes me feel physically ill he confessed oh well done mate it's kind of you he gaslit me and ironically he accused me of cheating when i when i didn't yet he was in a full a full-blown other relationship i'd never have got with him if i knew and trust me i know people be like how could you not know but i didn't live with him and was only a teenager at the time and he was a lot older than me just so that makes a bit more sense now yeah but i'd love to know if he had kids with the other girl though or yeah he just got her pregnant it's awful just goes to show those who

accuse you were cheating when you're not can in actual fact be doing the dirty on you instead oh that's so awful i'm so like i don't even know it's just there sadly we live in a world where people just have no morals no respect like i don't understand it i don't understand how someone can physically do that like how would you sleep at night right guys we're to do like a couple of little dating, sex, stories, confessions, things. I was having sex with my ex at his place and his brother walked in on us because I was too loud. I was about to say he dropped it. Oh, the same woman.

Another time we was doggy style and I forgot to lock the door, and his mum came in on us. Oh, my God. Oh, I don't... Did she... What angle did she enter from? You know when you sometimes play these games, like, what would you rather?

Should we play what would you rather? Come on, let's do it, okay? Are you ready? Okay, go. This is going to be a sex What Would You Rather edition Valentine's special. Okay. Are you ready, guys?

What would you rather? Walk in on your parents having sex or have your parents walk in on you having sex? Walk in on me. Really? 100%. I don't want to see that. Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, 100%. I i'm young i'm mobile i both are awful but i feel like at least like you wouldn't unsee that and at least you're only like scarring them that's actually very very true like yeah it yeah, it would be absolutely awful. But firstly, A, at least they know I'm getting some. And B, like, what would you do? What would you do afterwards? Like, your mum was like, by the way, that position. Can you just try? Can you give me some tips and help me with that?

Try bending that leg to the side. I feel like you might feel this a bit better. No, don't. Oh, my God, I can't even think about this. Okay, your turn. Oh, God. Okay. Would you rather cum randomly in public for the rest of your life,

like you don't know when it's going to come, and you just, like, get an orgasm in public, or never cum again in your life? Oh, my God, cum in public? Oh, my God. First in disco. Oh, my God, come in public. First in disco. Oh my God, can you imagine? I was going to say, like, an extra.

Oh no. Oh no, I don't know now. Oh my God. Oh God, no, I'm really, really torn. I don't know now. Oh, I cannot. Oh, God, no, I'm really, really torn. No, I think I would just have to have orgasms sporadically,

randomly in public. What are you going to do? What would you do? Yeah, probably the same. I'd just style it out as something else, like a dance. A yawn. Um, uh. Do you not think, though, that you'd probably get used to being able to do it a bit quieter?

Yeah Or you'd just like do like I think quiet Let's see where you're like this It comes You don't No do you not like it when they put their hand over your

Yeah I don't like doing it Yeah but when you do it you always have to But when you do it you know or it's a bit weird And cut the bit out where it goes You don't like it when they put their hand over your mouth? Yeah, I don't like doing it. Yeah, but when you do it, you'll know. But when you do it, you'll know. Or it's a bit weird. And cut the bit out where I was saying about putting my hand over your mouth. No!

No! Keep it in. Keep... So, you've already spoken about what I'm not having sex. I'm not having sex. My mouth. Here's the... It's not even really sexual.

Would you rather have everyone know... Sorry. Would you rather have everyone you know be able to read your thoughts or everyone you know have access to your internet history? What is your internet history looking like? That's worse. How to stop the no-cons. If that's bad, you're safe.

No, no, that's one I'm happy to share. Next. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Huh? What do you know about? I think I'd rather... Looking at my internet history, yeah, same. I feel like mine's no different to anyone else's.

A bit torn. DP? I just heard it on a podcast. DP? Google it. D-P? Google it. I wasP.? Google it. I was literally just listening to a podcast in the car

and they were talking about D.P. porn. D.P. porn. What is it? I don't get it. Double penetration. Great, now it's in my fucking history. That's what I was doing, really. You realise I don't have to give my history at all.

I thought that was the game. Would you rather give up on sex or give up on food? Food. I feel like, as well, like this last year, I haven't eaten a lot. I was going to say, if you asked me this a year ago, I would have said give up on sex. Oh, like, as well, like this last year, I haven't eaten a lot. I was going to say, if you asked me this a year ago, I would have said,

give up on sex. Oh yeah, me too. If you asked me this now, I feel like it would be a struggle. Okay, we found one. Give up.

Would you rather, accidentally, send a sex, to your mum, or send a nude to your ex? Oh my god. I'd send a sex

to my mum. Me too. Mum's not that bad. If it was your dad oh that's worse. I don't know. I feel like my mum I could like laugh at that.

Can I ask would the nude be for you? Would the nude be for you once and you can't screenshot? Because then I'd say, it'd kind of be like, it's what you're missing. Bye, babe. You'll never get this.

If it was my dad, send a... Yeah, no. Send a text to my dad. Or a nude. I think I'd do the nude for you once. Oh, we're allowed to do those? Not that I know about the nude. Yeah, otherwise it would be my mum and I'd do the nude view once. Oh, we're allowed to do those. Not that I know about the view once. Yeah, otherwise it would be my mum and I'd just be like, yeah.

I don't have experience with this whole view once thing. I've just heard about it. Oh, is that a feature? I didn't know about that. Apparently. Sounds good. Okay, would you rather sleep with someone you think is disgusting but the sex is like off the charts or sleep with someone that you find so fucking fit but the sex is shit i don't that's so difficult because i don't really think that that would happen i don't

feel like you could enjoy it if you weren't physically attracted to them. I feel like we're getting far too deep. Which one is the best? What do you think in it? I think the second one because I just... Yeah, I'd rather the second one and hopefully train them. I don't feel like I'd get into it. Yeah. This is so weird.

I don't know who came up with this. Would you rather never use a sex toy again or never use a microwave? I'm so stuck. I don't know. They're so useful, both of them. I think I'd have to turn to the hob. Did I say hob?

I meant nom. Nom. Imagine you're the microwave. What was your name? It depends, whilst I've got a boyfriend I'd suck my sex toy Yeah, fair Oh dear That's real pink bee silk.

Here, imagine if I got my grave out. You know what? Skip me out the track. I will fucking beat this up. I'm going to drink it up so I won't. I just sacrificed the microwave. Oh, sorry. Right, where?

Sorry. Where are we? This is a dating dilemma. Okay. Oh, God, am I going to have to go through these all again? Right. I hope this doesn't happen to you. Okay.

First date. Cinema. Yeah. A guy got his penis out and put my hand on it. Fuck off. Can you imagine? I hope you fucking squeezed it and got up and... Oh my God.

Can you imagine? On a first date in the cinema. I can just imagine him unzipping his trousers being like well it depends how big it is first they'll be like

oh my god is there no continuation no I need more I need more I need a follow up I need to know what you did I would have stood up

and been like get your penis away from me and I'm walking out what is it oh my god oh my god how awkward would this be my first valentine's day with my boyfriend and we got seated next to his ex at a restaurant for an evening i would actually die i don't know what i'd do i'd hate it i'd leave just feel but you know but then you can't leave because then it would look like you look at that

i really look freaking amazing and like she was looking at you like, oh god I would hate that, I'm really insecure with stuff like that, so it looks like my idea of hell someone's put here what's FWB, oh friends with benefits first hook up with him, he hadn't had sex for six years, faced like a kid on Christmas he told me whilst

he was on top that he struggled to cum because a skateboard hit him in the balls when he was younger. You shouldn't laugh at people's mishap. It's more the fact that while he was on top of her, he was like, by the way, a skateboard hit my balls and I can't hide a mishap with a skateboard when I was younger. Takes me a while to come.

I dread to think what's going to happen to me over the next... We're going to live through when the test starts. There you see, I want to hear everything. I'll start dating in 2027. We need more content from the podcast. My first date from an app was a bit of a disaster. His profile said that he was 5 foot 11. Oh no, I know where this is going.

I would say at a push he was about 5 foot 6. You can't lie that much. Like, it's not something, it's not like... When someone's 6 foot and they're 5'11 or 5'10 I'm roughly around 5'6

and you're putting 5'11 on your profile I don't understand the point how do you hide that? you're going to turn up and they're going to know but what is the point in lying so much about your height on an app because then you've started off

the dating experience as a liar or a really bad mathematician how do you feel about height? height isn't a thing for me I thought it was. My ex-husband was very tall. And I thought like, yeah, it's a must. But then my ex-boyfriend wasn't.

So the other way around. Really? My ex-husband is quite short. But you're tall. So what's short for you? How tall are you? Five foot six. I'm five one. Yeah, you're a midget. Yeah. So, I mean, you've got a it's probably my tall for me. How tall are you? Five foot six. I'm five one.

Yeah, you're a midget. Yeah. So, I mean, you've got a bigger range of men. Yeah. Yeah. No, like... And maybe that's why I don't mind so much about height. My boy was, as long as when I'm wearing heels, they're still taller than me.

Although I'd say my ex-husband was probably the same height as me when I was wearing heels. But now my boyfriend is six foot one. Right. I love it yeah I really love it there's something I don't know for me there's something like masculine yeah no I do get that and like I do get that I find it really attractive like yeah I really like it really like it well being five one someone that's even 5'9 that may not yeah yeah it is always a big difference yeah my mum and dad like my dad's six foot one and my mum's like five foot yeah well my mum like hangs off his neck my ex-husband's six foot yeah and I'm 5'1 so it was pretty much a foot taller so yeah

it it does make her interesting I know like some girls are really like I feel like a lot of girls have rules around they must be taller than me like of course like for me it was always a thing like they have to be a bit taller than me it's just that I don't know

and not that it's a bad I personally wouldn't date anyone shorter than me no I'm very short no but I follow someone called Sana

who yeah like so do I and her boyfriend's smaller and I do that for them it's not a personal preference like for me I guess a quality I find attractive in someone Like, so do I. She's got her boyfriend smaller than I am. That for them. It's not a personal preference. Like for me, I guess a quality I find attractive in someone is tallness.

I would rather go on a date with that guy, him saying that he was 5'6", than saying that he was 5'11". 100%. I just think that when it comes to dating apps, be as honest as you can, because you're going to get caught once you meet unless it was one of those dates where it's like i'm gonna sit at the table i'm not gonna stand up and then and then well we're just gonna meet in bed and we're gonna lay down and they might not be able to tell exactly how tall i am yeah but no it's the worst is when you go to a date and they're already there so they sit down and then they get upset and they're like. No, but it's a very movie vibe. No. I wouldn't like that.

No, neither. Okay, we've got another one here. First date. I was on my first date after splitting from my husband. For context, we'd been married for 15 years and separated for about a year. Yes, it took me a while. That's not a problem at all. Darling, you're ready.

Yeah. We met at a pub halfway between us, about 30 minutes from where I lived, 30 minutes into the date he tells me that my ex was standing behind me not sure what was worse that my ex somehow knew where i was and turned up or that my date had researched me to the extent that he knew what like i was thinking how the fuck would he know that does it go anywhere that's it that's all we got okay i don't know what to say that's awful yeah i i mean as well like plushies and i'm how you're like oh my god you know it's worth a knowledge you literally know everything about everyone that's why her hair started getting into the secret place

um yeah but i wouldn't make them aware and a guy doing it, I feel like is just different. Why are you stalking me? Yeah, there's nothing worse than bumping into an ex on a date. Have you seen your ex on a date or anything? No. Have you? No, but I did get picture updates of him out. I've had picture updates of stuff too. It is, isn't it?

I get picture updates yeah it's tough too it is isn't it i've got to get picture updates i get updates when people see him out i got one when he was in paris with his girlfriend i don't care also like guys i don't care no no no it was funny i just literally don't get it yeah i mean it's fine i've i've now recently been told told that I faked my whole year relationship for content. I mean. It's an investment. Isn't it? I love how hardworking people think I am and how committed I am to my job. But no, I didn't fake my relationship for a year for content.

Maybe I should next time. Maybe you should find someone who's going to bring more drama to the table. Okay, let's do a few confessions of the week. So, first one. Okay, I like this. I think this is smart. This is the third Valentine's Day with my boyfriend and he's starting to slack on effort.

So I decided to send myself some flowers. Made out I didn't know who they were from. It's safe to say he's never forgotten to get me flowers again. Good for you, babe. They need to know. Yeah, honey, they need to know. We need to be showered with love. Okay, let's finish the confessions

on this one because it's a very good one every year I give my I love how it's like an annual thing every year I give my husband

a blowjob on Valentine's Day blowjob and steak day isn't that yeah yeah steak and blowjob on Valentine's Day. Is that a blowjob and steak day? Isn't that? Yeah. Steak and blowjob night. When is it? I don't know.

Not that you care. I don't know if I can give a shit. I just thought, I will be eating steak on my own whenever I want. And a sausage. Luckily, steaks aren't cooked in the microwave. Hob and knob night hob and knob I like hob knobs

anyway yeah so I give my husband a blowjob every year on Valentine's Day it's coming up to Valentine's Day as we know I really can't be bothered so I will be letting him know that I've got ulcers in my mouth. And I'm unable to perform this year.

I love that she's already like. Pre-planning it. It's like the dog ate my homework. I have ulcers in my mouth. So I'm unable to give you a blowjob. Hopefully he doesn't ask to see them. That would be weird. Let me do a spot check, bitch.

No, but maybe I should check in case it's like contagious. Anyway, thank you for sending those in. I feel like this episode has lifted my spirit. It has. Do you know what hasn't been about Valentine's Day?

Because maybe I just want to like let people know that if you're dreading Valentine's Day, first of all, you're not alone. I am too. Second of all, remember it alone i am too second of all remember it is just a day yesterday remove yourself on social media if you don't want to look at all the things because that is exactly what i'm going to be doing like be kind to yourself i don't want

to see anyone's stuff so i won't look at it especially this one over here um you know i'm very happy for people to have lovely days but sometimes I just think that you've got to remember that what you see on social media is what people want you to see. I'm very guilty of posting things on anniversaries or Valentine's in the past, and I probably wasn't happy. So just bear it in mind. It is just a day. Either watch a good, funny film or see your girl. Do what you would normally do. It's a Wednesday.

It's the end of the week. Just get on with... I don't know what I'm actually doing on the actual day, but it's just another day. Just another day. It's absolutely piping. Oh my God, I'd be alone on Valentine's. I was still married last year and I was absolutely freaking miserable.

So it means nothing whether you're in a relationship or you're not. Like, it doesn't matter. It's not the be all and end all. Well, I hope that this episode has at least made you guys laugh. I hope you've laughed with us. I know I've fucking laughed. If you've listened to it and you've spat your coffee out laughing or you've been driving and you've got to get going.

Or you've maybe done a bit of a wheeze. I feel like I do a little bit of a wheeze. Tag us. Share it on your stories. Let people know. We want to make people laugh. We want people to come and listen. The more you guys share us, the more people we access,

the more lives we're helping. Oh, my God. It is so poetic. I know. But yeah, guys, make sure you please follow, like, share, do everything that Carly just said and I think we should do an affirmation. Oh yes, we should. Let me read it. Okay, ready? Yes. Love happens. I allow

it to find me at the perfect time. Love will find you when the time is right. Find me when the perfect time. Love will find you. Find me. Find me when the time is right. Okay. Love you guys. Bye.

Happy Valentine's Day. Love, love, love.