Not As We Planned - 31. Babe... He's Married!

Episode Date: February 15, 2024

A man whose most certainly married, whether you should go back to your maiden name and being submerged in balls….Talking about it all this week! Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode. How's your week? My week? What have I done? What have I done with my life?

What's going on with my shit show alive um god why can't i even think what i've done this week you know when you feel like you've what did you do is i've been busy and then the kids no you didn't have the kids this weekend because i have i had the kids and we are like opposite, aren't we? So I started my vision board. And I got really, really into it. You know, once you start like finding all these pictures that you like. I'm like, my vision board is unreal. So this weekend, while I've got the kids and I'm at home, I'm going to like do all my sticking and cutting and stuff.

I printed loads of stuff off. So guys, this is your reminder. If you haven't yet done it, do it. It really like gave me a bit of like a pick me up it was really nice it's like i can have this yeah yeah so i did that um i did i wasn't sure whether i was going to talk about this or not but i feel like it's probably relatable to some people so i'm just gonna share it but broke the no contact yeah um we both we've both been a bit guilty of breaking the no contact it's like a huge grin on my face as I say it it's not funny it's not funny don't

do it um yeah I'm do you know what I think you just need to be kind to yourself and realize like we said before healing isn't linear and neither is like the emotions that you feel of like no contact is fucking difficult it is and it's very new to me so yeah you broke it and yeah how do you feel now I don't know oh good lord ask me next week yeah how's your week I had the kids this weekend it was really nice um it was quite nice actually because I had them so normally what we've been doing is the weekend where they're away for the long weekend the one in between my ex used to have them on the Friday night but he went away oh so you had like a full weekend ahead with them and

was it nice honestly and it's made me realize how much I'm missing out on that fussy morning because I feel like we did so much and like we had proper quality time you know just little things like sitting and playing lego and just not having to do that rush that you do in the week. Yeah. Slow morning. Nice, slow, really nice slow morning. Yeah. And then I booked to take them to Bubble Planet.

So what is it like? Because I've seen everyone has gone there. And the only thing that puts me off slightly, and I know it's just because I'm a weirdo is like I have like a thing against ball pits and it's like the biggest thing. Honestly, so I was in Wembley. Oh, isn't it? Yeah.

I thought it was right near you. I thought it was in London. There's two. There's the Balloon Museum and there's, this is what I did. So I was there thinking i'm booking balloon museum i booked bubble planet but we are going to do blue museum as well because the kids loved it so much so they're really similar really similar i but like that changed my yeah so it's not far from

you we literally i drove we parked in like pink parking it was like a five to seven minute walk um on it like it's not a whole day thing i'd say it's like one and a half to two hours um the kids they haven't stopped speaking about it really it was so much fun so there's like i think i can't remember how many like different rooms there are but there's like a room literally filled with balloons i'm not gonna lie if you are a single parent my recommendation would be to take someone with because there were a couple of times where I thought I might have lost my latest balloons or balls.

The ball pit's quite deep, so you literally can't hang your back. I didn't lose any children, just so you know. I hope that's good. But I kind of walked in and thought, oh, good Lord, like what have I done? Because my kids were... Should have all reigned. They were like mental.

And the ball pit is quite deep and Milo's tiny. Yeah. And like literally, he was like submerged in balls. That sounds... I don't know. Okay. I'm joking. I'm joking.

Sorry. I hope that's not what you did. Sorry. What happened? What just happened? Anyhoo. Back to the children Yes, the most involved And I've got this real bad image in my head now

Alright, so Anyhoo I hope it's not that important Can you imagine? Oh Oh, it's right. Start again. Go for it.

Stop it. Right. So they loved it. It was absolutely brilliant. Like, honestly, could not recommend it enough. It's not like an ad. It wasn't gifted like I paid for it. It's not cheap, but it's like a one-off thing.

Yeah. So that was really nice. What else did we do this week? It's funny. You know how, but it's like a one-off thing. Yeah. So that was really nice. What else did we do this week? It's funny, you know how you say like it's a one-off thing? When I took the kids to Frozen, obviously it's very expensive.

I can't tell you how many times the kids are like, when are we going again? I'm like, no, guys, guys, you need to understand like these things aren't like the pop.

Every single day. Can we go back to the big ball pit? Yes. So yeah, it was amazing. And actually, I also think it would be fun. Like, I think it would be a fun date. Like, it was really...

Do you? Yeah, I think it would be a really cool date that's a bit different. Like, you need to find someone to go with. And should I go on my own and see if I can find someone just lying in the balls? I didn't. I was thinking when I was in there, I was like, I wonder if there's any lost children in here. Because it was so much. Honestly, it scared me.

Anyway, so yeah, I recommend taking someone with you. We are booking to go to the Blue Museum, which I believe is more around the London Bridge area. Right. And that's only on to the middle of Feb. And that's an exhibition. Right. And that's only on until like the middle of Feb and that's an exhibition. Fine. And so I am going to take the kids there purely just because

they had such a good day and I'm like, screw it. Also, I kind of feel like at the moment, I don't know, I was thinking the other day,

like, before I became a single parent, yes, I feel like some weekends we did some cool stuff. I feel like a lot of weekends they were just like

dragged around shops or like retail parks and we didn't I don't feel like they were as purposeful or had as much like intent as I do now like I feel like because I value my time in my kids so much more I want to book fun stuff and like I don't know I was like thinking the other day, like, I really love this. Like, I just feel like we're having a lot more fun. And I feel like, yes, like I get to do that. But they're probably getting the same with their dad as well. Their dad never wanted to go out and do like stuff like that. And I feel like now they get to do more of that.

So I feel like they are having like a way more fun childhood to some extent. Also, I think those two places that you mentioned are good for like the winter months. Yeah, you don't want to be out summer. Yeah, I'm actually trying to think now. I do have the kids this weekend and I've got like a Saturday afternoon where I don't really have... Have a look.

It gets booked up. I literally, there was only like one block of time. It wasn't convenient because it was like during my last night of time, but I was like, well, maybe I will look at the Wembley one. Do it. And we'll talk about this next week

and I'll be like, it was the worst day of my life I came I lost Rome he's still in the ball pit somewhere what's the difference I've only got two children joking for jokes um do you know what I was thinking I actually was thinking this on my way here and this is the most random thought and nothing to do with what we've just spoken about. Do you think any men listen to this? I know one who does. My boyfriend listens to every single episode and he gives me his feedback. Does he? I'm just so intrigued by like...

Yeah, look at him. If men listen. If you do, would you email us? I would just love to know your perspective on what we talk about. Because what I do know is I feel like sometimes we do probably give like a female heavy perspective like i don't think we realize how often we talk about like men are such pigs and this and it always being men it is quite interesting

to hear things i would love to get a man email in about a woman yeah so if you're listening if you are listening any single dads any married men happily met yeah i don't know i'm just really intrigued by yeah um any men listeners so actually i did do something really big i am starting therapy tonight are you yeah that's amazing so i think the reason i've put it off for so long that i've been very aware that it's been something I've been thinking about I think I've I had a bad not bad experience in therapy but about maybe 12 years ago I started it and I think where I just didn't click with my therapist and I also think as well like I don't think I was like this sounds weird but like in a

mature enough place to like be open-minded as to what it could do I was very young I was kind of holding on to a lot of things and it just didn't work for me it wasn't the right time and I think because I'd had that experience I was like I don't know and also I kind of feel like it sounds really silly but I feel like because I've felt like I've been doing so well and I feel like I can physically feel the difference in my healing I've kind of been like just kind of go with how you're going right now um but I kind of feel like I've got to a point where I mean particularly as things are hopefully going to start moving forward in my divorce and things like that I'm finding myself getting really bad anxiety and I feel like it's consuming me a lot more than I would like so I kind of want to come

up with some like I want to work with someone who's got really good strategies for like coping with anxiety and also just talking about things because when I talk about like what I've been through like to other people I kind of it's only when you're saying you're like wow I've been for a bloody long like I'm carrying a lot and I feel like I wanted a safe space to do that and I'm well I think it was when you voice noted me a few nights ago, didn't you? Yeah. And I replied being like, I really hope you don't take this away. But I think it's time to see a therapist. I just, yeah, that's it.

I voice noted Tash. And I'm like, I've got this overwhelming, like, anger and, like, sadness. And it wasn't like that that was sad about my ex like hell get the bloody blue shout out to my ex but it was more i don't know i think you're carrying trauma like it's very valid yeah and i also feel like i'm coming up to the year mark and i feel like it's this time last year where certain things were happening. I think it's impossible not to self-reflect when there's an anniversary of a big event coming up, even if you're over him.

Yeah, exactly. But I feel like I'm looking back and I'm like, oh, wow, this time last year I remember feeling like the instinct instinct that's all I'm gonna say in yeah this is right but I remember just a series of things happening do you know what I also got this feeling today in the car oh I don't know why but I was just thinking about stuff in my head and just one thing I just wanted to reiterate just some like reflecting I've been doing recently but like there have been times and I'm not just talking a year ago I'm talking beyond that where I had these instincts and called things out and was made to feel like I was psycho and now I know I wasn't it I don't know that I was sitting

and randomly came into my head today but I was sat there thinking I was made to feel psycho. Like at this point in my life, like I was like making up in my head. I just got this really like weird, like anger about him. Like how dare someone make me feel so stupid when I, I look back now and I'm like, you knew then you knew then like,

don't be stupid. And I, I don't know. And I think when I voiced something like that on my stories the other day about, you knew then, like, don't be stupid. And I don't know. And I think when I voiced something like that on my stories the other day about I had this like overwhelming anger, honestly, the response was insane. And I think it's something we don't talk about because I feel like I share a lot that I have moved on and I am happy. But I think the two can coexist.

I think you can be happy and moved on, but still feel anger and resentment and like, about someone. Yeah, absolutely. I think divorce and breaking up with the father of your children is a very complex thing. But yeah, I just, it was, like I randomly get things in my head. Like I was literally sitting there driving thinking,

how, like you were made to feel like you were, you sitting there driving thinking how like you were made to feel like you were you were literally made to feel like you were being a psychopath yes and you weren't and i don't i don't know i don't know if anyone else gets it but i just got this overwhelming feeling of like anger like how bloody dare you do you know what when you think about the things that you've been put through by someone, and sometimes I remember sitting there and being like, I just don't get it. I don't understand how someone that actually shows what type of person I am. I don't ever want to understand how someone was capable of doing that to me because I'm not that person that's capable of doing it and I think that actually speaks volumes about the individual that is sitting there being like I don't get it I don't understand why they do that you shouldn't

understand it because it's not a good thing to understand. I also just, like the thing that I don't understand is if you're unhappy with someone, firstly communicate it, but leave in a way that's respectful. Because surely at some point you were with that person, you had respect. But the thing is, they're not thinking that way. It's like they're thinking about themselves. And also a lot of these people I don't actually think want to go through a divorce. I think they really just like to have two worlds, like that cake and that cake, eat both when they want. I think a lot of these men don't leave because they don't actually want to they want to be the family man the dad live in that house but also thrive with the other woman and get that ego boost from them yeah and i think no i i absolutely think you're right and i

think that's why so many of these situations i think it's very easy for us with who who have been on the receiving end to sit there and be like I don't get it why would you not just leave like what's the point like if you're not happy like go but I don't think they ever wanted to go I think they liked that they probably also get a kick from like doing stuff that they shouldn't be doing that's part of the thrill all right I wonder I obviously don't know but I wonder if like them staying as well like I think a massive thing is like an ego thing like if they were to leave as well like the thought of you being able to move on with someone else and you being okay like they don't want that they want you to be pining after them still and wanting that and they can go and get that attention but the idea is if they were to leave you and you might

possibly be okay yeah i think that's quite um ego damaging yeah 100 yeah it's very much like i might want to be able to be with other people but hell no you ain't being with anyone other than me that's what i found like in my circumstances since we ended yeah it's okay for me but not for you i don't think well i mean i didn't even expect to meet someone so i don't think he ever thought i would especially and look i'm gonna hold my hands up i i moved on and met someone very fast, way faster than I wanted to or intended to, whatever the right word is. Shocked us both. But I also wonder if he would have preferred it if I, I don't know, like slagged it about a bit afterwards and just got me a load of date rather than actually falling in love. And obviously, like where I do share stuff on social media, like it's been quite prevalent on my page that I have fallen in love with someone and life is really good. And I do share about all the things he brings to me. Okay, I thought I'd kickstart with this because it stood out to me.

It's called Sex Story. Yeah. Yeah, let's do this. Love, love, love your podcast. A bit of background for the story. When I was with my child's father, we briefly lived with his mum. In this time, I got quite friendly with the neighbour. I love this lady.

Older than me, but absolutely gorgeous. My child's father knew I found him good looking. Anyway, we would say our hellos, etc. Going into the house or out to the car. Just casual. Things were not great with the dad, so I would definitely make an effort to walk outside and say hello how sad no i feel you anyway we eventually split up thank god and i saw the neighbor on a night out can you guess where this is going i don't drink so i drive bearing in mind i had a very unusual car you

could spot it a mile off I drove him home and one thing led to another we slept together I fell asleep blah blah blah in the car woke up to banging on the door my ex comes bursting through my legs are 10 to 2 wide open so my ex mother in law obviously they were in the middle of doing something when he's asleep it was obviously like the morning after no they obviously like woke up they were doing stuff in the morning and then he had birth then so my ex-mother-in-law saw that told my baby's dad and now to this day the neighbors do not speak and every other weekend i pick my child up i absolutely feel sick with the dread that the neighbour I slept with is outside.

How embarrassing. God. Oh, I thought you were going to have a lovely love story with him. This, like, is like giving desperate housewives, like, wisteria lane, like, going into someone's house, having sex with him, and then someone sees and then it's like drama on the street. Can you tell I was you fixed deprived this one's called advice needed where you go hey ladies i absolutely love the pod and i only found it a couple of weeks ago we love where have you been yeah

also we love people discovering us so that's why it's so important for you guys to share. Yep. I'm on the lookout for some help, please. I was wondering if you have any tips on how to deal with moving forwards when you have no closure. You're a pro at this. Am I? My husband left me three months ago. It's such a long story.

So buckle in. But I will give you a short version on here because I will take anyone's advice or tips. So we have never been the most sexually active intimate couple, but about 18 plus months ago, it completely stopped and there was no intimacy, full stop. So I kept asking what was going on and begged him to go to the doctors to find out what was going on. As he kept saying he wanted to start a family with me and that went on for 18 months plus. family with me and that went on for 18 months plus during this time i would bring it up kind of every three months and he would just say he didn't know what was going on but sort it and i believed and trusted him then in june last year something triggered me and i can't tell you what caused it but i lost it completely and told him he had to sort it out i agree i understand that

i feel like if you're not having that intimacy in a relationship... Well, she's trying to make an effort. She is trying to make an effort. But I also think it's that connection between two people. It's what makes you feel close, not just like physically having your sexual needs met, but like, I feel like emotionally it connects you, doesn't it? So I feel like if you're missing that, like, and if he's not doing anything about it you've expressed your concerns absolutely um he promised me again he would and said he didn't know what the issue was and from June to October last year I would probably bring it up every week because it was important to me and I was so confused about the whole thing when he kept saying he didn't know what the problem was but did want to sort it then we were in America in October on holiday to celebrate our 30th birthdays

I brought it up again and he said that he wasn't attracted to me anymore and didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. And he did that on a holiday? On their birthdays. You're disgusting. Sorry. I don't like that. As well, it's not like she's not tried to broach the subject a hundred times. Like, why book and go on a holiday?

Yeah. Didn't want to have sex with me, but did find other people attractive and wants to have sex with them. I mean, come on. This also really annoys me. Do you know how damaging it is to a woman's confidence? And, like, there's a way of speaking to someone. I'm sorry, that's really wound me up. Fine, say like, I'm not as into us anymore,

but I feel like the way... Why are you talking about other women? Yeah, why are you talking about other women? That's disgusting. I was absolutely crushed and broken when he told me this and I have so many questions that I want answers to, but he keeps saying he doesn't know to everything. We came home from America at the end of October

and just argued every day for a week about it, again because I was just so confused and wanted answers. And then he just left and has been gone ever since. Hold on, is this recent? This is like October just gone? I'm so confused about the whole thing because I have no answers, so I feel I have no closure

and can't move forward with my life without any answers. He is messing with my head badly as he keeps telling me he loves me and always will. He's fucking breadcrumbing her. That I'm beautiful, that he will never find anyone like me again. Hold on, hold on, hold on, stop. That he'll never find anyone like her. He will never find anyone like me again.

There isn't anything about me he would change. I'm his best friend and he knows he will regret losing me what? no sorry carry on because I'm getting a bit wound up but he's just told her that he's I know don't worry I've got this my advice is building up

which for me is just total mind games because I don't understand why you're willing to give up 12 plus years of your life with someone you call your best friend and that you love them I've since gone no contact and that has helped me in some aspects but I'm still struggling so badly with no answers

I want to reach out every day to see if he has any answers for me our marriage was 99% perfect i just wanted the intimacy which i didn't think i was wrong to be wanting but obviously it was no you weren't wrong for wanting that at all believe me he said to me that he doesn't know if he has missed out on sleeping around when he was younger but i'm like why marry me then when he was younger but I'm like why marry me then so then we should put him in touch with lads lads lads let's watch some fucking football anyway you would have had those thoughts on on your wedding day so what's changed so yeah that's

the short version of what's going on I've begged him to go see a couple's counsellors to work out what's going on but he just isn't interested i feel like my life is over he is all i have known since i was 17 i now have nothing being told your husband isn't attracted to you has made me lose all of my confidence and self-esteem hard links with that yeah i was told the exact same thing so i understand how that feels and I just don't know how I'm meant to pick myself up off the floor and start over so any tips on how to move forwards and let him go would be amazing I am all ears for help at the moment please keep doing what you're doing because I look forward to your podcast every week I've been able to resonate to so many things you've

said lots of love okay I've got so much to say first of all I feel like this is a slightly different situation to most that message in there's pros and cons to this so please no one get offended by what I'm about to say but you are in a situation where you're young and you don't have kids with this man so there's a very different situation to what we've been through with our ex-husband and what a lot of people emailing in have been through. It is very evident in my eyes, and I know that this is only opinion and you can't take this as concrete. But I think the hard truth is he is with someone else. Men, I think it's very rare that they leave a good thing with no one right yeah yeah not a lot of men will do that um especially him not wanting to have sex with you i feel like

it's also very rare for a man to not want to have sex at all unless he is getting it elsewhere. You are in a very, I know it doesn't seem this way. You've been with him for 12 years. Please don't look at it out of waste. I feel like when we break up with someone, it is very, very normal to allow all of the bad things about that person to go right to the bottom of the tank and all the good memories and all the good things are right at the forefront of your mind. All you're doing is reminiscing, thinking about all the good memories and all the good things are right at the forefront of your mind. All you're doing is reminiscing, thinking about all the good things, all the lovely memories. You know, I can't

believe that I'm going to lose this person. You were fine before him. You will be fine after him. And if your response to that is, no, I won't be. I wasn't actually good before him. Then you were never going to be good with him because you need to be good before that person 12 years is a very long time trust me I really really get it like I'm in the deep emotion at the moment the missing the pining for someone but the thing is with your situation he has completely and utterly disrespected you. He has given you absolutely no reasons or respect for why he's just left you. I want you to make a list, 25 things, benefits of not being with him. I know you said that 99% of your marriage was good. That won't be the case.

That's how you feel right now. But if you really strip it back and did he make you feel loved? Well, clearly not. Did he respect you? Clearly not. Did he give you words of affirmation? Did he treat you? Did he take you out?

Did he, you know know was he honest with you well no because he for ages made out that he had some like sexual problem then went and told you that actually it's because he's not attracted to you and now he is keeping you on a string telling you all these things about you he's never going to find anyone else then why have you gone because you're a fucking liar and you're probably cheating you need to set some serious boundaries for yourself well done for starting the no contact i completely appreciate no contact is fucking hard count yourself lucky in this situation that you can do the no contact i completely appreciate it is difficult i'm there right now i've broke it a few times it might seem reallyritical, but it is the best way to move on from someone. You need to stop any social media stalking.

Realising that if he is willing to walk away from you, he is then not entitled and should not be able to then message you saying all these things. Block him on WhatsApp. Do not allow yourself to get drawn into the bullshit. Because what he is wanting to do is like an ego thing. Like we discussed a few minutes ago, is he probably wants to be with someone else, but he cannot bear the thought of you being with someone else and do you know what's probably going to happen you will find someone else and that's when he'll come creeping in saying that he regrets it yada yada but you it's time to do some work on yourself i would maybe suggest seeing a therapist or really like self-reflecting find stuff that you want to do for you take

yourself to the gym go on walks surround yourself with friends like be kind to yourself you don't have to like I know a lot of people say don't avoid your feelings you know like sit in it cry and I'm so all for that like the more you feel the quicker you'll accept and heal but also don't be so harsh on yourself to feel like you have to be on your own and like surround yourself with friends keep yourself busy and find good books to read like I really feel like it's time to change your mindset you won't you won't get closure from someone like him because I don't think he wants you to get it otherwise he would have given it to you. Yeah I think like obviously your biggest concern is not having that closure and that's like your thing is that you've not had reasons given to you but

I think I think your closure is the lack of respect, the lack of communication, the lack of honesty. I think that says it all about him. You know when people say, like, oh, no response is a response. Yeah. Like, this is your closure. Yeah. And sometimes I think closure is kind of viewed

to literally... Explanation. Like, I don't actually think that there is necessarily such thing and also also i sometimes even think like once you do have all the answers and everything firstly the man's a liar so how do you know that if he did sit down and say stuff to you that was actually the truth or yeah you don't know you have to make your own closure you know some hard facts right now you know he's lied to you you know he's not been honest with you he's clear he doesn't communicate with you he's messing with your mind by feeding telling you he doesn't find you attractive he

finds other people attractive but then he doesn't want to lose you. He'll never find anyone like you. It's messing with your mind and that is not okay. So that is your closure. You step away. I completely agree with what Tasha said in terms of being able to try and move forward by doing all of those different things. But I genuinely believe like that you have the information you need. And I think, I think also like the boundaries that you need to set, sorry if this is a bit like

tough love but i think eventually when people allow guys like him to come in and out of their life a lot that eventually is sort of down to you and you are in control of your journey of moving on only you can decide when you're ready to sort of like not allow him and know your worth like you deserve so much better than that you deserve to be treated with respect you deserve to be with someone who wants to have sex with you and be intimate with you and have that connection with you like i'm sorry it really upset me when you you wrote something like and maybe i was asking for too much like wanting to be intimate with your partner in a marriage relationship is normal but it it that also like in turn helps like you connect emotionally and please never feel like how you

feel is invalid because it's not if you feel something it is valid that's my opinion yeah I agree thank you for writing in I hope that that was helpful and by the time you hear this hopefully or maybe a bit further in your journey here's a question hi girls love love love listening to your podcast every week i have a question if that's okay with you both going through been through divorce did you decide to keep your married name or have you gone back to your maiden name this is a massive thing i'm struggling with going through myself i don't know what's the best thing to do it's a question of do i stick with my married name as it's the same as my daughter's which is what I always wanted but then on the other hand

I just hate that I'm tied to his family name as such especially because he it wasn't a nice breakup he committed adultery what were your thoughts behind changing your names this is good because we're both really different so when I got married both me and my ex went double barreled that was something that was important to me I'm old school I was old school I liked the idea oh that's actually not old school no it's new school I I liked the idea sorry it's not old school at all I meant the opposite I liked the idea of us both being equals in a marriage because I don't belong to him. It's weird now, but I also feel like a big part of me did it

because maybe something in me knew this was going to happen. Who knows? Anyway, I felt really passionately about going double-barreled. I remember, what way did you do it? His name, then my name, because I feel like Harris is quite like a... Like, ending name. Yeah.

It just sounded better. Yeah. I remember we had arguments and arguments about it, and I put forward all these reasons why it was important to me. Anyway, we finally agreed on it. Do you feel like thinking about it, a bit of a red flag, why was he so against it? Oh, yeah. Oh, it was... I swear swear to god we probably nearly didn't get married but then i don't know maybe he thought i was a red flag for not wanting to take his name for

and you know what like i'm gonna be completely honest i didn't love how his surname sounded with my name anyway one of the best things I have done was to go double barreled purely for this purpose because now obviously my kids have a double barreled name I am going back to my maiden name I already refer to myself purely as my maiden name um but it's nice to know my kids have their dad's surname and my surname whilst their names are going to be impossible for them to write in school because it's bloody long what do you think you would have done had you not been double barreled? Or is it just too hard to answer? I know what I would have done.

I would have stayed with that name because I would want the same name as my kids. Right. That's just me. It's a really hard one. Because it's something I've thought about. What if I was to get married again? Would I change my... I don't know what I'd do. Okay. it's a really hard one like because that like it's something i've thought about like what if i was to get married again like would i change my i don't know what i'd do okay so my situation i wasn't double-barreled took my ex-husband's name i'm keeping his name um i prefer my maiden name

however for me i think when you've got children i I want the same name as them. But if I were to get married again, I would change my name because there would be a reason for my name change. I felt like there wasn't enough of a reason for me to go back to my maiden name and to be different to my kids. However, I'd want to respect my new partner. And if I got married again, I want their name. Imagine being, it's different for you because you're back to your maiden name imagine me being getting remarried and being like

sorry I'm not taking your name I'm going to keep my ex-husband's like to me that's just so so that's what I would have done um look I don't think there's a wrong or right and I also don't think by like you keeping your ex's name, even though things are in bad terms, that's like an ode to him or anything. Yeah. You said to be the same name as your kids. That I would like, if I wasn't done with that road,

I probably would have stayed the same. Yeah. I know that you're saying that you feel like you're then connected to his family, but do you know what? It is just a name and it's a name that your kids have. View it more about you're connected to your kids rather connected to his family. Like, fuck his family. So if your gut is telling you to keep the name, keep it.

Because then you have the same name as your kids. We've had quite a few people, I think, message us saying that they've kept it more for travel reasons and stuff like like that it is just a name at the end of the day and you know what although I sometimes especially now that I'm divorced and I'm not missus anymore it is weird to sort of be like miss or ms and then my ex-husband's name myself also like I don't know what I am I just say ms I know I'm not formally divorced but like when I'm when they're like oh what's your name like I'm I've called myself a hundred different things like sometimes like on certain things I'm still got my full name so I had to say like Mrs blah blah blah and then sometimes I watch them like Miss Harry or then I'm like Mrs Harry I don't even know who

I am I just put Merz I'm like whoever thing because i feel like it i feel like it is weird being miss and then you're like no husband ex-husband's name um but yeah it is just a name like maybe try not to overthink it though it's stuff like this right where i think about like the fight i put up to get this double barreled. And I'm like, was this like predetermined? I wouldn't overthink it. Don't overthink it. This is going to be on her mind all day now. Like, did the part we know this marriage wasn't going to work out?

No. Dilemma, please help. Dear ladies, absolutely love you both. You truly have been so important during my healing journey. I'm so incredibly grateful to you both. It's going to be a long one, so please feel free to edit this if it makes it to the pod. I separated from my husband over five years ago and due to his controlling ways, financial pressures of owning a house together, which he basically bullied me out of so I had to run with my children, etc, etc. We are now finally in the

process of getting a divorce. I'm just about to exchange on my own house and feeling so blessed to be through it. However the dilemma is I have been seeing someone for the past few years. Things were wonderful at the start I couldn't believe how happy I was and how in love I felt. He was also newly separated and going through a lot but we were so happy. He is 10 years older than me and has two older children 20 and 28 with mental health problems that have unfortunately led to them being registered as disabled. He has them every weekend at his old family home while his ex-wife has some time off. His old family home is pretty remote. He does not have phone signal and we have to schedule telephone calls so he can drive out to get a signal i can't wait to hear what you girls say about this

i have never met his children what never met his hold on hold on hold on hold on pause she says she's been with him for a few years and she's never met his children wait never met his family never met his friends no no he's a no no hold on what why do i feel yeah okay carry on okay bro let's carry on so we know our situation before we jump the gun jump the gun he has a fractured relationship with his friends and family due to a highly religious upbringing which he is no longer a part of like i said i'm due to exchange on religious upbringing, which he is no longer a part of. Like I said, I'm due to exchange on my house soon and he has mentioned having a key to my home. This got me thinking.

I have never had a key to his place. I have asked so many times and been given so many excuses and sometimes he just says a flat no. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end this relationship as I have had enough and I have that nagging gut feeling that I'm being lied to. Do not ignore that feeling. I cannot tell you how important listening to things like that is. Yeah.

He has met my friends, family and my two children. I have been so in love that I haven't questioned things as much as I should. I would absolutely love your take on this situation. Sorry, I'm just picturing this like remote house where he's got no signal. You need to schedule calls. Babe, he's married. He is married. Yeah.

He's married. Sorry, what house doesn't have have you not heard of wi-fi e-wi-fi call that's really sick yeah e-wi-fi call yeah wait can i just say i live in the countryside my phone signal here is crap we whatsapp call. We WhatsApp call or FaceTime. Also, hold on, hold on, hold on. He has his kids every weekend. Why have you never gone to his lovely remote house with no signal in the week? 100% he is lying to you. This doesn't add up.

Hang on. Why am I getting like salt burn vibes? I don't even know why. But it's not, I don's not anything to do with it. He has them every weekend at his old family home whilst his ex-wife has some time off. I don't... I'm sorry.

Also the fact he has them every weekend. No, do you know what? For me, that's not a red flag. I actually know some single dads that have their kids every weekend. I'm not saying that. But they've been together for years, for a few flag. I actually know some single dads that have their kids every weekend. But they've been together for years. For a few years. He's having them every

weekend. Oh, so she never sees him any weekend. So he's having them every weekend at the family home. Hold on, where does he live? Hold on, hold on. Where does he live? I don't know. Where the fuck does he live? If he goes to the family home to have his kids,

is there no signal there either? So he's going to his old family home, which has no signal, and we have to schedule telephone calls so he can drive out. I think Tash is right. I think he's still with his ex-wife. I think he's then going out, making excuses. Oh, I've got to take a work call. I wonder what the process is in the week.

We obviously don't know the ins and outs. Firstly, for me, the fact you've been together a few years and have never met his children. A few years, red flag. The fact you've never met his family, red flag. The fact you've never met his friends, red flag. The fact you've never been to, like... Do you know what I'd like to know?

I'd like to know? I'd like to know if she knows the name of his ex. Because I could be getting on social media right now fucking finding her. Also, what I'd be interested to know, have you like called him outside of the scheduled times

of your phone to see if it rang? Has it rang? Probably put it on do not disturb. Or did he turn his phone off? Probably put it on do not disturb. Actually, well, maybe he's got two phones. Oh my God, sorry. This is so bad. But honestly, the fact you said,

I think I'm thinking of leaving him. Leave. Oh my God. I'm sure Tasha's the same. But you are having those gut feelings. And one thing I will say to you, gut is never, ever, ever wrong. Listen to your gut.

It is telling you something. And if you don't listen to your gut, listen to us. Sorry, I don't say it often, but please leave. Like, you're about to start a new journey. By the sounds of it, your divorce wasn't easy because you've been divorced. You've been separated for five years and you're only just getting a divorce you're about to exchange on your new home keep those keys to yourself babe it doesn't sound like you

know enough about him to for him to warrant having a key draw the line and go and find someone else because you don't need someone like this after going through a divorce I'm interested to know whether you've like pulled him up on any of this and what he's spotted can you please email me again?

Or do you know what? DM me, please. I need to do some investigating. I want to investigate for you. Call me. Pat is a bit of a psycho. Please. I have a lot of spare time at the moment.

So DM me. Put the title of mysterious man and I'm going to find his wife and his kids and his house. Thanks for emailing. Okay, guys, we're going to do a few confessions because we've had a lot in, so I feel like we can't just do one, okay? Looking at your confessions podcast, and I have a confession to tell you. My ex had an affair with a woman he managed at work, obviously.

We were taking it in turns to be in the family home to start with so our child had their home for stability. It was my turn to lead the home so i took the opportunity to pee in the kettle oh i hope he enjoyed his morning coffee by day have a cup of weed i love that thank you for sending that in give me a low okay this is a good turn i presume they broke up okay that's what i'm guessing when i gave him his clothes i put chili powder in his boxes i hope he had a flaming hot night do you think that would have a reaction 100 would it i'm sexting my ex in brackets kids dad

no intention been getting a kick out of it because I know he wants me back and I've got no intentions. He cheated previously. Bye, hon. I love that. Yeah, let's do a little vent of the week, guys. Are we ready? Get your systems. Okay, here's a vent of the week. Being in my relationship for 28 years, he cheated on me.

It was hell. I stayed, but in the last six years, he has not been sexual with me. I'm so desperate for affection and attention now oh babe leave leave like bent of the week my child my children's dad refuses to pay child maintenance but has been abroad four times with his new family oh that would grind my gears okay so here's an affirmation of the week. It is okay to not know it all, make mistakes, be yourself, have hard days and ask for help. Preach it.

Guys, do not forget to like, follow, share and also leave us some positive feedback on Apple Podcasts. It really, really helps us. And subscribe to our YouTube channel. We've got some exciting things coming up so stay tuned and yeah thank you for all the listens love you bye