Not As We Planned - 32. Hindsight Is A Wonderful Thing

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

This week we talk about setting those boundaries, learning lessons from past relationships and not staying in those toxic envoirnments. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys and welcome to another episode. This week I feel like we're going to maybe get a bit deeper talk about those inner feelings and yeah um but before we do that I thought I'd quickly update you on my organization plans of my divorce party because it's starting to celebrate like I survived I'm divorced and I want to fucking have a party. So I'm going to have one. So I've had a lot of people being like, what is a divorce party?

What are you doing for it? And I'm like, to be honest, I don't know what a divorce party is. I've never been to one. But I feel like it's quite an American thing. Yeah, probably. Like a bit like a bachelorette party. So I'm doing the whole theme in black. Don't ask me why,

but I just felt like it was appropriate. So I've got like black balloons, a black cake. Everyone's wearing black. I've got my black veil, which really I should have worn when I announced I was divorced because that's what I was going to do. But I was also mourning the fact

that I broke up with my boyfriend. So it would have been appropriate. Yeah, it would have been appropriate, but I felt like it was a bit dramatic. So I'll wear that for my party instead um because I'm just not really a dramatic person I was gonna say it's a bit dramatic really um and then I've got the like inflatable nightclub thing which you had to your party and I've made the best playlist which I think I'm gonna have to share with you guys because it is like your typical like divorce playlist independent woman I'm a survivor a b c d e f you and your mom and

your sister and your I don't know the real thing oh fuck oh fuck you um yeah so like just a proper good love that um like making cocktails i've got like a pizza cart so yeah i'm excited i just need to let my hair down have a few drinks dance with my girls it's girls only no boys allowed um yeah so i'm excited thing is i don't know when this is coming out so it may actually have already happened. But yeah, I just need to find an outfit. I need to find childcare so I can actually come. How did you wake? Yeah, Theo came out of school crying his eyes out,

took it to the doctor, stubble ear infection temperature. So yeah, he was off school yesterday, which is great when you work for yourself. Yeah. No one else steps up to um help with those sit there and that i that is one of the really hard things about single parenting actually is like every single day that one of my children has been ill which is a lot i feel like there's always stuff going around i think it's like the time of year because i have the kids majority the majority of the time it's always on me yeah and i find so every time i'm the one

having to adapt work plans it's just i just find it really um frustrating yeah it's on me and and another thing i find frustrating is because of my line of work is flexible i almost feel like it's like looked at as less important um so like it obviously it should be me who changes my plans and and I'm finding it really infuriating because I mean even more so now as a single parent having one income to support us it's more important than ever that I am stricter with those times and you know they they are non-negotiables to me so I don't know I think the lack of respect around what I do like oh like she can work whenever like I can't like I've set days and I have those set days because there's certain days that Milo's in child care and those days are so like they are so purposeful

like I'm very much like everything is kind of set out so I'm finding that really frustrating to be honest yeah I don't feel like why should it always be on me why should it be me who has to then work all the way through the evening to make sure everything's done yeah I get that a lot I feel like it's like oh I can't help because I have work so hi how how do you think I pay the bills he's like there's's like oh I can't help because I have work so hi how do you think I pay the bills he's like there's no one else I can ask because when they're ill I can't send them to my parents my dad's got a terminal illness so yeah I'm like extra paranoid about sending them anywhere near my parents so I'm solely on my own dealing with that and I'm like my in-laws are two

hours away so I I don't have anyone else to ask yeah finding it I'm finding myself getting quite cross about it because yeah it's like it's very valid especially when I feel like in winter like you literally feel like it's every week or every other week your kid has something and like I know like there's the rules of like nurseries and schools like if they're sick or if they've got diarrhea it's 48 hours and like that's the worst like when they get sent home with that you're like 48 hours like I don't know yeah it's just I feel I just feel like over the last few months there's been a series of days and it's and every time I'm like why is it always in the week yeah yeah very annoying yeah it is we wanted to sort of like delve in a bit deeper about a lot of questions that we get asked are kind of surrounded by, I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to accept this.

I don't know how to start healing. Yeah, or open myself up to other opportunities. we maybe like talk a bit more about that process and hopefully people listening to it can take something from it and realize not maybe where they're going wrong because i don't think there is a wrong or right every we don't know what we're doing like we are winging it i literally don't know i'm doing right now so i feel like i feel like it's just maybe like sharing our experiences. I feel like I don't want anyone to think that because of what I'm going through right now, I don't want people to think that what I'm saying is then not, not, not correct. But I feel like my two situations are very different. I feel like my two situations are very different.

The struggles that I'm having right now with going through a breakup with my boyfriend are very, very different to what I needed to do and what I needed to accept with going through the separation of my ex-husband. Because they are two very different people and the circumstances are very different. And I feel like a lot of the questions that we get are very much more related to the ex-husband situation but i do think eventually i do want to talk about more like generic breakups you know even without children involved or anything because breakups in general are fucking difficult they are hard like whether you're capable of or able to do the no contact or you've got to pair up with this person like they are different situations but it is relatable to a lot of people not all parents are listening to this podcast it is just some people generally going through a breakup me sharing my journey now I've definitely

come across other people that are just going through those like just breakups no kids involved um but i think the bottom line is that we need to really emphasize on is when a relationship ends and if that is the end you need to know and remind yourself that you will be okay i think think everyone has that mindset of, oh my God, I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to live without them. I'm going to miss them so much. How could he do this to me? That all those things are going around in your head. But even if I'm not there yet in regards to moving on from my ex-boyfriend,

I know that if we are not meant to be together I will be okay so for anyone that is listening to this that literally feels that they are at that rock bottom they cannot get out of bed they literally feel like there is no hope there's no point going on I'm literally just surviving for my child I promise you you are going to be okay like i remember like what you were saying to me when you ended things with your ex like you were literally oh yeah low yeah i but i i remember being so like when i remember literally crying weeks yeah weeks I'm I was so incapable of doing anything I went and lived with my mum and dad like did you I mean I just took them I didn't know because that's good that's that that's really like didn't want to be on my own yeah like myself

with my thoughts I've also never lived alone yeah never lived on my own and that scared me and I don't know I think like as information was coming to light and I was just trying to process every everything I needed the support I need I needed looking after I needed to be mothered I needed someone to look after me like that was my entire world broken and I remember just I've never been like that I've always been a very um optimistic person like even when bad stuff happens I not necessarily push it to the side but I feel like I've always been able to be quite a strong person in in terms of like accepting things and finding like a way of dealing with them or like oh there must be a reason yeah yeah like I can be quite logical with some things even though I'm a big empath like

I can be quite logical with things, but I think because everything ending knocked me. I say I didn't see it coming. Hindsight's a wonderful thing. I think I did see it coming, but I didn't know it was coming. I think I had signs, but I didn't want to acknowledge the signs. I didn't believe it because I don't think you believe things like that are going to happen to you so I think when everything did happen I was so challenged by trying to care for my children whilst processing and learning about circumstances that I again that's part of the reason I went to my parents

because I was like how are you meant to do this yeah just your you know you do you you find a way but wow yeah I think that once you maybe not necessarily like come out of that like really like lower point, but something that we all I think need to make sure that we accept, like the first thing of accepting is that when a relationship comes to an end, you need to take responsibility and looking for like what you learn from that relationship I'm not for a second saying that if you were with someone that was like a complete narcissist and they cheated on you and they treated you like shit that you are to blame for their behavior but I think that in order to like start the healing process and really work on yourself and your self-worth and and taking from the relationship what you can to better yourself there are always two people in a relationship and you need to self-reflect on the things that maybe you did that you can make sure you don't allow history to

repeat itself so I'm not saying like because you didn't have sex with your husband he went and cheated on you that is not what I'm saying at all but what I'm not saying like because you didn't have sex with your husband he went and cheated on you that is not what I'm saying at all but what I'm almost saying is like if you don't heal and do the work on yourself and then go into another relationship you will probably find that you attract the same type of person and history will repeat itself you know how you sometimes like speak to someone and they're like i've always been cheated on like whoever i'm with they've always cheated on me sorry if this sounds a bit harsh or tough love but eventually you need to realize that you're the common denominator in my personal opinion you are going and choosing those

wrong guys because you haven't quite worked out what you have learned from the relationship before i also think as well like attracting those kind of people is a um like reflection of your self-worth like because there's something you're not yeah expecting yourself enough absolutely it may be that you you know have some sort of trauma where you feel attracted to those sort of like bad boy like makes you feel like do you know like the love bombing like you find that really like attractive and appealing like sometimes I just think that if you are seeing patterns of of certain relationships that you need to pause and do some self-reflecting i agree i do agree with that to

some extent yeah and i definitely think like certain patterns like you know you find certain people like they're like yeah but i like a bad boy it's like but they're gonna bring the same thing the last bad boy brought to you yeah but i do also think like i'm not sat here like saying oh i'm looking back at my relationship thinking i was perfect i'm not saying that but i do also think like I'm not sat here like saying, oh, I'm looking back at my relationship thinking I was perfect. I'm not saying that. But I do also feel like I don't want people to just look back and start to like, I don't know, almost like stress themselves out. Like if I'd done this differently, it might work. Yeah, no, that is not. I can walk away from a relationship knowing I tried really hard to vocalize, communicate

my concerns and the things I knew were important to me and the things I actively wanted to hold my hands up and say, this is a problem. I'm not saying you are just a problem, but I think as in our relationship, this is a problem. This isn't working. Here's what I think we need to do. as in our relationship, this is a problem. This isn't working.

Here's what I think we need to do. And I think when my relationship ended, ironically, we had had those conversations and I was under the illusion we were trying to work on those things. And I think you have to get to a point where you accept that a relationship will only work if both of you are on board. 100%. So don't look back the whole time and be like, it's my fault.

Like I should have done this. Like I should have. What I'm trying to say is I'm not saying to look back and reflect to see that you were to blame. It's more look back to reflect to see what you can learn, what lessons you have learned from that and make sure you really implement them moving forward. So for example i know

that my relationship with my ex-husband was very much caused by him but maybe had i had more self-worth and more love for myself it wouldn't have dragged on so long because i would have known that actually how you're doing things or how you're treating me isn't correct. So my lesson from that relationship is I'm going to love myself more than I love someone else to make sure that I will not allow history to repeat itself. That's what I mean. I don't want anyone listening and thinking, oh, no. So because I was really needy, he did. No, no, no, no, no.

You weren't needy. You have every right to want to a partner yeah so yeah you weren't having your needs met so it's maybe learning to express that in a way that doesn't make your partner feel attacked or yeah I don't know I just think that at the end of the day there are two people in a relationship for like the breakup could be very much 90% that other person but you were still in that relationship for me like that's one thing I found in my healing journey is I can't even remember time spans now I think in my head I like initially was like almost like

glorifying my relationship as like my husband like we've broken up but when we were so happy and like I'd almost like convinced myself and painted this picture I said that last week the minute you break up all the bad things to the bottom and you forget about it I think so I I but I think you have to go through that and I remember at the start being like how could he do this we've got this perfect family and we've not long been in our perfect time and we've got this perfect life where we go on holidays and this and that and actually it was taking a step back it was actually admitting to myself that I haven't been happy for a very long time and I knew that deep down saying that out loud was terrifying I am very guilty of being that insta family that insta couple and even like

what I've discovered is even putting on a bit of a facade around my family because I wanted everyone to look in at our relationship and think we were perfect and me we were not perfect like it's again it's all that learning it's things we've learned like over these few months of doing this podcast but like now I'm aware of my love language which by the way is physical touch and words of affirmation and now I know that and I know I was never receiving love in either of those ways I'm understanding things a lot better now. And it is like what you said. I feel like I can now look back at my relationship. And yes, it ended in an awful way. I'm not just looking at that part of it anymore.

I'm looking back at it and thinking, you were deeply unhappy for a long time. Your needs weren't there and I would never ever compromise or not vocalize my needs out of fear or out of I don't know I almost had this thing like your marriage like take the good with the bad that's exactly what I was like exactly what I was like this is it this is as good as it can it's the pile so no one no one who's married's like happy all the time like this is I don't know like with marriage I feel like marriages do go through really good spells and really bad spells and in my head I thought maybe it's just a bad patch and like maybe in a few months time or a year's time things will get better but I do also remember

this feeling like things weren't getting better and feeling really detached feeling really detached from my relationship in all honesty feeling like I was parenting alone a lot of the time like I said to you like I was going on days out with just my kids things like he didn't want to come to things like I organized this family photo shoot for Milo's first birthday but it's hindsight I look back now and he couldn't get the day off work and I'm like what but now I look back I'm like brilliant I've got these lovely photos of me and just my boys but I don't know I think it is really important to step back and I think sometimes we paint this picture that we like what Tash said that you focus on all the positive stuff but really it's it's almost like being honest with yourself before you even say out loud to

other people like I remember the first time I said to my friends like I'm I'm worried and I'm not happy this was literally this was this was like right before this about a month and a half it's like two or three weeks before my marriage ended the first time and they were like is everything okay I was like no like things aren't okay like I'm I don't feel like I'm happy at the moment and I think it can feel really scary to say things out loud because you're almost like admitting them for me I kept everything to myself because I knew it's really sad because I knew people would tell you that if I told people people would be like what the fuck are you doing still there? And I think that that very much comes down to the self-worth that I had.

I felt like I would be better off with him accepting the bad behavior than on my own. And that's the sad reality of how little worth I had for myself yeah it's just it's just not a way to be and I think we've we have touched on it a few times is sometimes it's the relationships that are not horrendous but are just like that's it you know not great that is more dangerous because let's be honest not too many people and it doesn't make you like a bad person i don't think many people would go out of their way to end a marriage when you've got children when things are just not great i wouldn't i wouldn't't. No, because you don't know

if the grass is always greener. I'd rather be with someone in an okay marriage. I always think when you've got kids, you think this is a hard phase of life. Like it is just a phase. And sometimes that is the case. That's something else

that like I want to like highlight. Sometimes it is like having kids is a real strain on a relationship. I think it's when you get to the point where you're working against each other rather than working together. Well, like I said, I think it's once 80% of the time you're not happy. That's where you really trying to heal from. And how can you just constantly, like how are you ever meant to move on from someone that you've always got to see and speak to? So I just wanted to really touch on boundaries.

I know that we have spoken about it but really really understanding what a boundary actually means when you put a boundary in place you need to understand that that boundary isn't put in place to stop someone doing something that they want to do that boundary is put in place for you to not allow anything that you don't want welcoming like into your energy and your space so that boundary is being set for yourself what you need to you know it's it's like when we get people messaging us in and they're like we had this conversation like my ex is having a go at me because he's threatening that if I do this if I do that that he I do that, that he'll do that. Setting yourself a boundary where you really keep communication as like a business agreement and it's only about the children

and you do not have to converse with an ex-partner on anything that you don't want to. I feel like even just setting boundaries in a relationship that you're still in with someone, like if you're with someone and you set boundaries, if they don't respect your boundaries, that's a red flag. And I think it's also kind of like

setting realistic expectations. I know in the past that you said something and you'd be like I'm really angry because this has happened in my co-parenting relationship and my response is always where are your expectations why are you expecting anything less than like more than that do you know I mean so I feel like really like writing down your boundaries. And this isn't just with like co-parenting with an ex. This is for a future relationship. I also think though with things like boundaries,

particularly with co-parenting, definitely set them. But from experience, it's not always as straightforward as like being able to hold your boundaries. No, I know. And then it takes practice. Like it's something i'm getting a lot better at it's i've not perfect yet you're still triggered and so certain things yeah exactly certain things i kind of forget it all and just respond in the moment and hindsight is a wonderful

thing but i've got a lot better at i don't't know, I feel like previously he'd message me something and I'd literally message straight back. Whereas now he was messaging me something when I was away for a weekend away with my boyfriend. And I was like, I don't need to respond to you. And he was getting annoyed and messaging back. I'm like, I'm holding my boundary. I'm away for my weekend.

It's not about my kids. So there's nothing to converse about. There's not anything we need to converse about right now yeah and so I just didn't and it felt really good to know I could hold that I'm not gonna lie like it still gets it still affected my energy a little bit just because I felt a bit annoyed that I felt like he was doing it because he knew I was away um but but the thing is I think yes again it's you know you can have these boundaries set but be kind to yourself and realize like you are human yeah like you are going to slip up and like that's okay it's just then realizing it self-reflexing on it and making sure do you know what next time i'm going to try a bit more to make sure i don't do that next time it's just like learning lessons in your relationship

learn lessons in your co-parenting relationship i shouldn't have really done that fuck it whatever i did but i know next time that didn't benefit me if anything that made me more angry it's not it's not gained me anything other than a irrelevant argument so next time when they're inappropriate I draw the line so like here's an example I feel like we got an email ages ago and I don't know if it actually made it onto the podcast or not but one that I read and I I just remember it and they had separated and he didn't want to be with her anymore but then he kept messaging her and like almost like breadcrumbing her and being like I'll never love anyone else like you like I like just sort of keeping her there now although he is doing the wrong eventually you need to take

responsibility and take that into your own hands and realize that you are accepting that conversation to happen whereas if you block someone or ignore them and they realize they're only talking to themselves eventually that sort of communication is going to stop. So I know it is so easy to say it and very, very difficult to sometimes do it because they're the sort of things that you want to hear from someone. But sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture and realise that if those things were true,

then we'd be together. Also, like one thing that's really, really helped me in those situations where, for example, you get a message and you want to react, take that step back, get that space. It to react take that step back get that space it's like what shelly said yeah that space first because i often regret acting in the moment because i also think sometimes you're feeding into exactly what they want like it's like your cortisol level like shoot yeah but and i can feel it in my chest yeah it is like it is something that

takes practice like it is practicing taking a deep breath stepping back being like i'm not gonna respond right now because i'm in my life do you know what you're not giving a response you're giving a reaction so if you actually take a step back and then you're thinking about your response rather than reacting and there's a big difference yeah i agree and then that conversation will differ and the calmer one will help you but also again sometimes it's taking that step back creating that space that allows me to realize i don't need to respond at all yeah this doesn't require a response it's not actually anything to do with my kids and that's that yeah and so it's that's definitely something I really recommend doing is if if you are in I don't know co-parent relationship any kind of anything really just if something comes along to you and

it annoys you or makes you feel a certain way take that step back first get that space before you react um i don't think you'll regret that yeah i mean there's nothing really too but even like in a relationship like even in conflicts in a relationship like if someone's done something to piss you off rather than reacting in that moment it's not going to get resolved in a good way take step back what i try and do is actually write down how i'm feeling in my notes section on my phone and then i don't know process it again like do i actually need to respond to this nothing to my kids so yeah i mean that's probably quite a good thing to do if you're having like a whatsapp conversation with the person you're co-parenting with rather than

replying to them reply yeah but then don't send that one and often like i don't send them but it's that's how i've it's so it's letting it out yeah or do you know what sometimes i'll call someone and be like just yeah and get it out it is that outlet and that's okay yeah i think also like i saw something on tiktok and it it um i really liked it so i wanted to share and this guy said that if you walk into a room that smells of shit if you stay in that room for long enough it will no longer smell like shit so the longer you stay in a toxic environment like you're allowing yourself to kind of like stay in it for longer you're to it and just accept it yeah and I know it's so easy on like in like hindsight to be like

no this isn't right for me but I think that's why you need to do a lot of self-reflecting when you're no longer in the relationship take that ownership of realizing your self-worth and knowing what you deserve and not allowing history to repeat itself. That is where you're setting those boundaries as well. Going into new relationships. You can't really set those boundaries if you haven't done the work and reflected enough on what you've learned from it and what you're going to take from it. Do you know what I think one of the hardest things is coming from a toxic relationship or relationship with lots of red flags or lots of moments where you had an instinct. instinct it's then going into a new relationship and knowing the difference between an instinct or just trauma trauma yeah and i think that's really hard to differentiate because naturally you think i don't know i think you overthink things that aren't actually instincts at all. It's just you carrying past trauma.

And it's like I posted a reel last night and it was like no one talks about how hard it is going from like a red flag mentality with your green flag person. Like that's one challenge I found really, really hard is because I've had this really negative experience a lot of trauma you know a lot of trust issues I've often got myself into a state where things have felt too good to be true must be a red flag like it's really hard to step away from that and see actually there are some really good people left in the world and I don't know I find that really hard like I found that hard to differentiate between instinct and like me just being like let's destroy everything good in your life like yeah like that self-sabotage mode and that's what I mean by like taking those like lessons and really reflecting on them and doing the therapy. Yeah, because really, don't get me wrong.

It gets to a point where like you do need to have that new partner that is reassuring and wants to help you. But really, that's the work that you need to work on rather than them trying to help you. This is where I've got to is that I feel like I'm in a really good place. I feel like I'm in a really good place I feel like I feel really well I feel like I have a partner who all he wants is to make me feel safe and secure and he constantly asks I don't know if I'm doubting anything what can I do to make you feel safe and I love that and you know he constantly makes me feel beautiful and worthy and smart and like tells me how proud he is but one thing I really wanted to be able to do was I wanted to feel all those things about myself yeah I didn't want to only get those feelings from him of feeling amazing feeling someone

being proud of me feeling beautiful feeling smart I want to have those feelings about myself which is why I've kind of taken the responsibility now to go to therapy to help to help allow me to have some more self-love because at the same time I feel like that will also allow me to be a better version of myself in a relationship and to leave the trauma where it is and not bring it in like I'm very grateful like I think in my relationship we've both had trauma from existing relationships that actually yes to some degree we've tried to bring them in I think where we've had that mutual understanding we've respected each other a lot and I really think we've helped each other heal in ways we would never have healed like on our own so i'm so you know that that's a thing you know that's a thing like people make the mistake and i know we've spoken about it before

but people make the mistake of feeling like they have to be 100 healed before they go into a relationship you can only do so much healing on your own and that there are some healing that you will not do until you find a person to do it with. Don't get too comfortable being on your own, in my personal opinion, because you can get to that point. There are certain traumas and triggers that you will only be able to heal with the right person. And we've both said it. We both believe we were meant to find each other because I think we've helped each other. Yeah. Ways like we would never have done on

our own yeah so i do like i do massively believe that and i do believe when you find the right person to do that that's when the magic happens honestly like and it is it i can't explain a bit is having that mutual understanding respect for each other that I've been open in ways like that I've barely spoken to anyone else about I think it's because we have that complete understanding and and we make each other feel safe with that like obviously like talking about ex-partners and stuff can be quite triggering for some people but I think we've really created like a safe space for us to be able to talk and have difficult conversations, I guess, relatively early on. But I think that's what's made us so strong and hold so much respect for each other because we understand each other's traumas.

And I think where we've both gone through stuff, we're very gentle and understanding and almost accepting people heal in different ways. So I feel like there's some healing I need to do in my own way and he needs to do in his own way. But I think it's also having that. When you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean that everything has to be done together. But you are two individuals. You come from two different paths and I think that it's very important to continue doing your own healing journeys and together as well but there are some things that you should do on your own and I think it's

a work in progress when you're in a healthy relationship is constantly having that willingness to work on yourself and as an individual and as a couple I also think it's really important to like I don't know like I think we speak about communication a lot but when you're in that safe relationship to ask like is there anything else I can do to make you feel yeah safe or is there anything like you worry about and like i don't know i feel like we're very um i have a lot more open conversations that i i'll be honest like in my relationship i didn't even think to initiate it wouldn't have happened in in in my previous relationship but i think we're both i think when we're both constantly so aware of what made relationships not work we're both very conscious of what it takes to make a

relationship work and making sure like again with our come from relationship where our needs weren't there yeah I think that's it's so lovely and refreshing to know like you can have difficult conversations you can be honest like I don't know what I'm learning is it's it's okay to vocalize it but it's how you say things and you know it's being non-accusatory it's being it's making suggestions you know this would make me feel a lot safer or this is how I feel not you made me feel that way yeah 100% it's not it's nothing to do with you I feel like this because it's I've honestly found it really really refreshing um so yeah just for anyone listening who has gone through like trauma or been in a relationship where you couldn't

vocalize things please know that's not what all relationships have to look like i think i don't know i do think sometimes in life our paths cross with certain people to help us heal and help us on the journey and sometimes we have an instinct to like fight or run yeah like bye yeah um but to just be open-minded no and I really do strongly believe that every relationship is a lesson and you know I'm currently like going through that like self-reflecting of like what what lessons have I now had with my relationship that has just ended like what can I change what am I taking from it what what have I learned and sometimes it is quite difficult to self-reflect on certain things it's much easier to put the blame on other people but we are responsible for certain things

I'm not again saying that you're responsible for someone doing something that's really bad to you but it's just really trying to make sure that that lesson is learned yeah i agree do you know what i mean yeah 100 okay i listen to your podcast it's helped me massively i'm in an awful emotional abusive relationship with my partner he gaslights me speaks and treats me like absolute crap and has worn me down so much this last year but will sometimes be nice cuddle kiss tell me he loves me we have a three-year-old daughter together own a house together and have built a life the last six years i've recently been in touch with a counsellor who's helping try to build me up and i plan to do my planned leave in the next month as we are taking the kids on holiday next month i've recently had a

gut feeling he'd been messaging someone else i know him that well to know when something isn't right sugar i followed my gut i linked his whatsapp account to my web browser who knew that you could fucking do that no i only knew i didn't think about someone else's but i've only known that when like but when have i done that like when my when i just been broken or something years ago. You can link your WhatsApp account to a web browser. Wait but how

would she do here? She must have been able to get on his phone. Without him knowing to discover he's

been sending flirtatious inappropriate messages. Sorry okay I just got a shock there because I didn't

read the rest of the sentence because it said to my daughter's best friend's mum. I didn't read the mum bit

and I was like what the fuck? That's, I mean it's still pretty bad. Yeah, who's also married. Oh god. They both sit and slag me off in the messages and it has absolutely broken me to sit and watch it. Her daughter's

best friend's mum and her husband. Yeah. I haven't confronted either of them yet. I'm working out the best way to do it and speak to her husband. Do you know what? Clever. She's not reacting. She's taking a step back.

Yeah. And then I'm going to humiliate the two of them for doing this to me. Good for you. I do the fucking same. I have all the messages, screen shot it so there's no way out. I'm so disgusted two people can do this to their families, their children and who have been best friends for six years. Oh my God, those poor children who are best friends

and their parents are having an affair. That's horrible, isn't it? He works away, so I won't see him for over a week, but I can't keep this to myself for that length of time. It's killing me reading all that awful messages together. So I need to confront him by FaceTime. I wouldn't. I would wait. I would wait and do it FaceTime. I feel like this is something from a TV show.

It's so surreal. It's happening. I think as well, don't do it on FaceTime because he could literally press cancel. Yeah. And then build up a story. Sit him down and make him accountable. I'm sorry this has been such a big message. Your podcast has been so relatable to me.

I love some of the advice that you've given me. Thank you for reading it. Please keep it anonymous. Look, she sent this a while ago and this isn't going to be out for a while so i guess we don't know what's going to happen please keep us updated sometimes i feel like so invested in these stories and like i really want to know i want some follow-ups like my heart goes out to you like it that that is horrible i'm fucking smart with the whole whatsapp thing like who knew

but i will i obviously it might have already probably has happened but i don't know i personally wouldn't do anything other than face to face to hold them accountable like they can cancel a call like sit them down make them accountable make them sweat make them you know like otherwise i also feel like when he's away he could like cancel the call he could go away he can think and like make up a lie and this and that and the other i just oh like and also having to talk to her i just can't it's making me feel ill hi ladies just wanted to know if either of you have experienced this yet me and my partner broke up five months ago and i have since found out that he has got a girlfriend i didn't expect it but it's making me feel really really strange i don't really know how to cope

and i feel a little jealous even though i don't want him back i'd love to know if you have any advice love your podcast um i don't want to be oversharing too much because it's not my place but I pretty much am sort of in that situation now and I think although I'm divorced there were always certain things that I knew hadn't happened yet like there are still firsts of like stuff and obviously like my biggest fear is my kids having to meet someone else and like I'm not that's not happened yet and I can't even think about it because it makes me want to die but I guess I never really knew how I would feel with this situation though whatever that is what it is but now that there is I'm just sort of like really happy and proud of myself to

have come so far that it doesn't faze me it's really refreshing to know that like that girl said that she feels quite strange but she doesn't want him back I think you need to remind yourself of like why you don't want him back why he wasn't good for you and sort of like leave it there like I can't explain like I feel like you sent me a really funny meme no it wasn't a meme it was I send you lies right no it was it was a reel that you sent me and I think it was like like girls laughing when it's like when when they think they've like hit the jackpot with your ex and they're like laughing I just like look I'm not gonna be mean but I just feel like I'm really content in myself and know what I deserve and what I won't accept and

I think any girl sometimes sits there and is like oh like why couldn't he change for me I want him to be good for me but sometimes I think we need to be a bit realistic and think that like I don't think people change that much and just be great for a thing it's not it wasn't about marriage but it was I think it was on like Love Island Australia and it was like she didn't steal my men she stole my problem like it's after it isn't it I mean yeah I I my situation slightly different I feel like I've had to be accepting of potentially another person around for quite a long time so it's not like news to me like how serious it is who even knows I know like I've had people who follow me like tell me they've seen my ex on like dating apps and stuff like I don't care like genuinely I don't care

I have no interest in his dating life like don't get me wrong at the start of everything when everything was fresh yeah when it's raw that feeling of like particularly the way my relationship ended it's that feeling like again it's like the lack of self-worth feeling like why what why her and not me like i think everyone goes through that and like what does she have and now i fast realize it's it's not a her thing it's not a me thing it's a him thing like it's it's it's not we're very different people yeah um like I think the hard thing like about having like my life previously posted on social media and obviously my ex was on social media is like I get updates when people like see him and stuff so I get screenshots of of things

but you know what's really funny is like a year ago that probably would have really hurt me. But now I sort of like sit there and I'm like, lol. Like, yeah, I don't care. I think for me, I just feel quite proud of myself for how far I've come. Because I think I always dreaded how I would feel when that happened and thought it would really damage me. And it's just really refreshing to now be in that situation and have no feeling towards it and it shows how far i've come so the person that's emailed in i understand what you mean about it feeling strange it can still feel strange especially negative things yeah things you don't like about that person the things they were incapable of in a relationship i think someone

else is now dealing with those things or yeah or although almost well yeah or maybe like her standards are that low that her needs are being met i don't know i don't care do you know what that's so true i didn't even think of that but like what i will say i feel similarly to tash like him being with someone else it doesn't i i genuinely don't care and yes to some degree it's probably because I'm in a relationship that is so different now where I'm just I am so happy I look back now and just think god like this is so much better than what I was experiencing like the one thing that I feel like is a shadow over me is that anxiety of like being around my kids.

Yeah. And I really get that. And you know what? For me, I don't even have any more being able to look at it and be like, oh, I'm in a really happy relationship now. I don't care. I'm still more content being on my own. So I think you just got to remind yourself. Yeah.

I think you just got to remind yourself that I think you just got to remind yourself that like yes it's so valid that it feels strange because it is a bit strange but remind yourself you said but you don't you're not jealous because you don't want him remind yourself of that and I think that strange feeling will go very quickly help slash advice please a bit of a rant and advice needed keep me anonymous quick backstory married 13 years two girls aged 10 and 11 i first went to the solicitors in may and we only told the kids in july i filed divorce papers in august he never thought i'd go through with it so he hates me more than he loves our kids we are not living together but nesting so still sharing house space he's's a narcissistic, emotionally and financially abusive gaslighting arsehole.

Great description. Leading to me spending the last seven years keeping evidence as he made me believe it was all my fault. So, he's got a new girlfriend already. I'm so angry but not surprised. I'm not jealous and don't want him back but it still hurts and I hate the fact it bothers me as I was the one who left him. He's already telling the kids he took her I don't want him back, but it still hurts. And I hate the fact it bothers me as I was the one who left him.

He's already telling the kids he took her to the same hotel we used to go as a family, but he's kissed her and shared a bed and stayed at her house. Why the hell would you tell your people a story? That's so weird. Me and this girl, we kissed and shared a fun. And I had to sleep over. I took my girlfriend to a hotel we used to go to. Good thing to tell your kids, mate. It's just very strange behaviour.

Why do I feel disrespected when I was the one who ended it? Why do I feel it's so quick? And why do I feel sick he's moved on so quickly? It's like what we were just saying. It's, I think that's really normal feelings it is quite raw and new and maybe you just listening to this episode before we've even got to your email I feel like we've already pretty much touched on it weirdly is you need to remind yourself like I, I mean, also, like, how strong are you? You walked away from him, okay?

Doesn't mean that your feelings of it, feeling weird and you being upset are not valid. They're very, very normal feelings. And a lot of the time when you're going through a breakup or a divorce or whatever, you are going to experience conflicting emotions. You just need to remind yourself why you left. He probably hasn't done any work he's going to repeat all

those behaviors onto her and you almost need to just sort of feel sorry for her and be grateful she is not you yeah and i think the fact like yeah it's been quick he probably like likes that feeling of control yeah you know i wouldn't worry so much about the time but i don't know i also think if you've been in a relationship with someone where there has been that element of control for so long almost being away from that can feel scary because that's all you know like you're used to a very present person in your life and for them almost like it's quite sad really but like almost like needing that sense of someone having that hold over you and for that to have gone and his kind of attention be on someone else

whilst it sounds like a bit like messed up it's not because it's that's that's what these people who control people do. Yeah. Don't get me wrong. Like, I do understand it. But I feel like once you really take a step back and reflect on that person is just another person. Like, let's be honest, they're probably not going to last. I don't know. I just think that, like, take, put your energy in working on yourself and getting yourself in a good place to find a good partner if you want one rather than he's just gonna everything that he did to you he's gonna do to

that person i hate more than anything that it hurts when he doesn't deserve any more of my emotions and he has been hurting me for years yet he gets to live his life i do think you need to like look at healing yourself and focusing less on him and what he whilst he's putting on this bravado and this like display of his like new amazing life where he's going out like he's deep he sounds like he's deeply unhappy in himself he's obviously got some profound issues or he's telling his kids that's so weird it's just weird it's that's to get back to you by the way babe if you need a bit of uh you know or he still cares or you want you want to feel slightly good about yourself

he's telling the kids so it goes back to you he's insecure sorry 100 insecure and like again that is an element of control he's trying to have over you by regurgitating that information to your children like that's him being like just so you know i'm still here this is so you know about it like you the ego his ego has been damaged you left him he is going to grab someone else to be able to have his ego stroked this this is a him problem not a I think, like we've said so many times before, write that list of 25 things you do not like about him. The benefits of not being with him. The benefits of not being with him.

And realising, like, he's no, like, I say it so many times, but he, all those negative things aren't still there. Yeah, they're still there, But that's her problem now. Yeah. However it is, he's going to these lovely hotels with. And like, you deserve so much better. So start believing in yourself. Start like seeing yourself for like, firstly, like how damn strong you are that you got up and you walked away.

Because that is so hard to do. Yeah. Especially when you have kids. Yeah. that is so hard to do yeah when you have kids yeah and particularly when you've been under some kind of control with narcissistic behavior to actually have the fighting you to get up and leave is so admirable and that is such a big step but you need to stay strong and realize like stop worrying so much about what he's doing and start focusing on feeding into yourself and like making yourself feel good like do things for yourself like make yourself feel good like yeah she said for your

for your information i would never in a million years get back with him even if he was the last man yeah good remind yourself of that let her have him thank you next oh i feel like giving up and running away but because of you girls and your podcast i realize there is light and there must be stronger than anything you are strong yeah really shown how strong you are so absolutely you can do this like know your worth and believe me like look if you do want to meet someone at some point in your life there are people who will actually treat you right okay sorry this is really weird and random and completely separate to anything we talk about, but I need to share this confession of the week, okay? I'm scared that my uncle is manipulating my gran

to take meds to make her look mad and out of control. That's pretty big and a problem. I don't know. I'd speak to someone problem. I don't know. I'd speak to someone, but I don't know who. I'm not experienced enough to give advice. No. Okay, here's another confession. I think this is just quite funny

because it's from someone that's married. My emotionally unavailable husband is driving me mad. Sometimes they just do. Men. Yeah, literally. Okay okay this week's affirmation doors are opening for me oh i like that doors are opening for me say it believe it those are opening for me don't forget to follow like subscribe share we love it all it helps us grow it really really does thank you for always listening we

really appreciate it obviously the more listens we get the more we're going to be able to do for you because we've got some big plans coming up so yeah keep listening we love you all and we will see you next week bye