Not As We Planned - 34. Buy Me a F****** Meal First Hun

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

We answer some intrusive questions we always get asked… also sharing our biggest icks, green flags and teaching men what women really like Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode. I survived my first Valentine's single. Your first? Yeah. My god, it is in ages.

Your first Valentine's single. And how was it? you made it i made it i'm here i'm here and i didn't break any contact yay the round of applause eight days no point eight days in eight days what did so how's your week been um yeah it's been okay i'm sort of just it's half i've had the king oh you've had half term i think i've been really really busy um went to go see that film migration which isn't it and you've seen yeah yeah i've got a bit emotional yeah i cried does it make you want to travel with your kids it makes me want to be be a bird okay they're therapists you've been seeing I really really want to fly like it's like wouldn't I

I saw like I came away and was like I just want to take my kids around to Drayford and like yeah so it was a really good film and the weekend just gone I had my grandma's 100th birthday congrats yeah proper going for it and we did like a three-day bender literally

three-day bender uh like i had like a dinner on the friday night uh lunch on the sun on the saturday and then on the sunday we went to like a day center but oh stop have you seen that um instagram and tiktok, like the retirement house? No, I was like... You need to find out. Literally, if I'm not having a bad day, I'll show you in a minute. Does it give you life?

They are goals. So it's these friends, they all live in this house together. I don't know if it's a legit retirement home, but there's all these old people and they jump on all the trends. So you know the one, Ralph,

you know the ones where they were putting the phone on the ceiling and be like, push the button. I need to say, literally, is one of the best things. They do all the trends. They like,

literally, it looks like the best time. It's like absolute goals for a girl. I mean, I definitely, when I'm older, 100% place.

My grandma lives at home, but she goes to this place in the day and so that was really cute. And then like, bearing 100 place like my grandma lives at home but she goes to this place in the day and so that was really cute and then like bearing in mind my grandma's 100 like she invited her hairdresser when they are 10 girls so yeah it was really sweet i think it was just a real eye-opener of like 100 years like can you imagine like what that her like life was like does that make you like feel like wow you have such a high percentage of your life left as well? Like, isn't that exciting? Yeah, no, it is.

Yeah. So, yeah. So I've had a very wholesome weekend. Wholesome. And then, yeah. And then so my Valentine's, my sister did like a whole really, really cute set up. I was like... Galentine.

Literally, like proper romantic. Like, I actually don't think anyone's ever done anything like that for me for some lucky man's missing out on her yeah exactly it's a couch um but yeah so it was cute and that is me what about you oh i'm disgusting guys i'm sorry so yeah we went to paris this weekend and honestly like honestly, I knew it was going to be amazing, but it was like just even better. Like we just had so much fun. Like we just didn't stop laughing, eating.

We had so much fun. On Saturday night, we went to this really cool restaurant. And like the food was outstanding, but the atmosphere, like they're like musicians. They were like up on the things. They're like, we're all going around like dancing. And then at the end, like they move over to the bar and like everyone's going crazy it was really good um and we didn't get into like 2 a.m and then we were up at like 7 a.m to explore the

next day um but yeah it was amazing and then oh I feel really bad like having had a good valentine's but like not gonna lie I've had a really crap really crap Valentine's Day for like the last nine years. So I kind of feel like I was owed one. I literally, I was that girl who was told we don't do Valentine's Day, but I always wanted to do Valentine's Day, but that wasn't my decision. And last year was absolute shit. So I enjoyed it. Yeah, he surprised me yesterday and took me to the restaurant we had our first date,

which was really cute, really thoughtful. Yeah, I don't know. I was just thinking like like, I feel... It was in the car on the way over here, and I was just feeling like... It sounds ridiculous, but, like, I am... It's around this time last year, like, my life was going... Hot.

Yeah. Yesterday was a triggering day that, you know, certain stuff happened last Valentine's Day. And I was sat there in the car driving feeling like I don't know if I'm going to do it, but just feeling like sending a thank you message to my ex because I'm not going to. But genuinely was like, I would never have left. And I am so much happier than I was a year ago. I'm so much happier than I was a year ago. I'm so much happier than I was five years ago. Like, I don't know, I just, it's for anyone listening who is currently in those dark early days where you literally feel like you can't see beyond it like you're like you do feel like your life is over like let me tell you you are the deciding factor in your healing like you are the one who's got the power to realize how much better

you deserve and to like accept your current circumstances and to not keep going over and over things and just understanding like sometimes these things happen because better things are meant for us and saw closes i have a hundred percent and look a year ago i i couldn't see that and i was talking last night and was talking about like the low i hit i have never felt that low it was a year ago i literally was holding someone's face begging them to love me like what hell was I doing and then I don't know I don't know if it was just like the thought and care that went into yesterday that made me feel like wow like what two extremes my life has been the last year this time last year I was begging someone for love this time someone's doing things that are so kind and thoughtful and I'm like I don't know I just feel really proud that

I've allowed myself to be open to things like that and almost like taking responsibility for my happiness and my healing and where I go like I think it can be very easy to get caught up and just dwell and almost like end up in a vicious cycle of feeling sorry for yourself and then sometimes almost like enjoying being in that bad place. So, yeah. That's you. That's me. So, we thought that we'd do something a bit different this week

and actually open up our inbox our emails to do a bit more of like a Q&A vibe this week and we've had some interesting questions coming in so we thought we'd just sort of like delve right into them and yeah we'll answer as honestly as we possibly can I'd be honest I feel like I'm a bit too honest and I mean there are levels of also guys there are levels of questions that are appropriate to ask. Honestly, like my questions I've had in question boxes recently on Instagram, someone genuinely asked me, is sex better with your new partner than your ex-husband?

I mean, let's read between the lines firstly, guys. Why cut Cecil for anything other than fricking sensational? But on a serious note like there are certain things that you just don't need to ask no but yeah I mean sometimes we do well me overshare and then we cut it out so we'll see how we go every week okay so here's a fun one to start with what are both of your biggest ics and biggest green flags oh go on you go first okay ics like ics in terms of what like once you're with someone no just like dating with dating yeah so okay one of my biggest ics is probably gonna be oh what the fuck am iics mine's like hold on now I've got a good

ick bad breath if someone has bad breath or like yellow teeth nah that is such an ick for me any bad sort of smell is just like even though her breath makes me feel a bit unwell I feel really

not experienced enough in this but I've never dated someone with bad breath. I'm just saying, if I did. Yeah. Mine would be like topless photos on an app. Yeah, it is. That is like, if I saw that, it would be a swipe. Yeah.

Look, everyone's posting their best pictures. And if, yeah, absolutely, you got, babe. I don't know there's something about it for me i just keep it keep it uh i don't like it i i've got like an ick about like i don't know like men taking posed topless like like i don't know, just the thought of a man picking up a phone and being like... Your face. I'll tell you one of my exes. Just tense-y.

Tense, like, when they're like... I hate skinny jeans on men. Oh, no, I love skinny jeans. Like, fur on, skin tight, like, in Love Island. Oh, like, when you can see, like, their muscles through it. Yeah, just like, it looks like they love island oh like when you can see like their muscles through it yeah it's like like it looks like they've been like painted on yeah skinny jeans are not a vibe for me i'm more of like aggie bo yeah yeah like i said bo is anyone who smells like a wet dog like you know like when someone's been dog, which really bothers me, when you cook halloumi.

I haven't cooked halloumi in a... I cooked it the other day and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if it was off. No, like, you know, when someone like works out a lot and then like their clothes, like that damp sweat. If I like, yeah, that's an ick for me. Actually, another ick I would say is if they don't want to pay on a first date I agree I think that you should be treated like I don't care about this whole independent woman equal no sorry like if you're taking me out on a day

pay if you think we're having it you won't see me again i need something romantic about it as well like i agree like chivalry isn't dead yeah you know it's opening a door opening a door a lot there's something sick do you know what i want to talk about x can we talk about things that like green flag well she wanted green flag okay so but i don't know if it's a green flag but for me it's more like things that men do that like women really like that they may not know so if there are any male listeners out there we're gonna help you out something that like i love is like if you're in the car with them and then they just sort of like touch your leg like yeah yeah yeah yeah love that or yesterday well it happens a lot yeah always opens my car door unless we get in the closet i've never had that in my life can we just fyi doors into a restaurant

and they literally like even if you were ahead of them yeah quickly go ahead of you yeah open the door i love that like manners things like that they cost nothing they take about an extra two seconds and they mean so much to us. I think it also shows like a massive sense of respect. And isn't there something sexy about a man like opening the door? I don't know. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Love the man. Can't spit in the hair when you're kissing. Oh, like straight? No. No, do you know what I like when they do this? No. I do love having my hair pulled. No, do you know what I like when they do this? No. I do love having my hair pulled. Same, not when I'm wearing my extensions.

No! I like it when they tuck their head. Like, it's that gentle touch, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, God, I... Anywho, lost my train of thought. Green flags, things we like for men. Do you know know this isn't

a green flag this is just something that i quite like you're probably gonna think i'm like weird but there's something really nice about when i'm talking to a guy and then they call me by my full name i don't mean my surname because tavern is natasha yeah natasha i quite like that in a text like yeah yeah yeah so like i don't know I sort of feel a bit like I really like a morning or a good night text I think that's a really nice like

I think it's nice to think like I'm the first thing they thought of when I woke up and the last thing do you find it an ick or like nice when you have like little nicknames

like I quite like it yeah like cute like if a guy calls me like a baby I like go a bit like that yeah yeah

yeah that's not an ick for me i really like that yeah same another one for me is what's this ickle green flag yeah someone who's fussy with their food so like even like i don't know someone who's like gym obsessed and has to like weigh everything and has to be like protein galore. But like, yeah, things like that. Or like, I don't know, I'm a massive foodie. So like I want to be able to literally pick any restaurant and know I can go out with someone who's going to enjoy it too. Who's going to like literally look at the menu and be like, I don't know what to pick. Like I really enjoy it. I do appreciate do appreciate i also like sharing my food like i'm someone who

likes to go out when i eat meals and not necessarily have like my own meal to myself i love a bit of like sharing and trying lots of new flavors and things that's like i don't know i guess it's almost like a hobby of mine is eating but no but like trying different flavors and i think but i feel like food is a social yeah yeah yeah 100 and socializing in general so i think yeah i agree with that i feel like having someone that's a bit fussy with food can be slightly off-putting it would turn yeah i i it's never happened to me but if i was in a restaurant with someone and they'd be like i don't eat anything on the menu it's not very massive i'd be like okay I'll order another one and I'll eat it yeah I know I get that yeah it's something like not masculine isn't it yeah I think one of the biggest icks

with men when you're just starting to get to know them and they suddenly go full force into like sexual innuendos and like you've gone from having a normal conversation and they're like yeah i'd like to stick it in you i'd like to fucking sticky deep in your babe i'm sorry men oh you've got to do it at the right time not the sticky by the way this has never happened to me fyi You've got, I feel like guys that don't kind of sense that kind of... Read the room. Yeah. Read the room.

I like a little cheekiness. There's something about cheeky flanta and then there's like completely inappropriate, like you've just taken it way too far. Why are you talking about doing me up the bum? Do you know what I mean? Why are you talking about gagging me and sticking a butt plug in? We've only just met. Why are you talking about S me up the bum do you know what i mean why are you talking about gagging me and sticking it sticking a butt plug in we've only just met like snl like yeah even though you're certain yeah there's a line and i think it's it's also to that point i think when you're trying to

connect with someone for me i i would never go on a dating site to get some right like that's just not i know i know some people do but for me if someone was to literally turn the conversation to that without like having that getting to know me kind of thing i'd be like unmatched like that is a massive ick for me um but like just buy me a fucking meal first hon at least feed me then you could talk to me about doing me up the butt i don't think uh but yeah no it's i i find um it's like when we were talking about like way back dating things and like things like i don't know even when men sometimes like open up a conversation with something really

sexual like are you up for a bit of m&f and i was like no m&f m&f i was like what the hell literally he'd said hi yeah like that is high that's very certain highlights yeah that's just the biggest ick ever i'm sorry as well if that's what you would just go out and find it. Like, go. Yeah. Oh, that's making me feel a bit funny. Right. So we had another question. Here's an interesting one. Due to get married this year, any advice, regrets,

things you do differently for a happy marriage? Not do it. I'm joking. I'm joking. You were going to say it. I had to say it. Don't do it. I think for me, one of the things is like really being on that like in that mindset of being a team and not trying to always have like one

on the other not one on the other like do you know what i mean not one up and shit yeah like if one's having a bad day it's not you don't even know what a bad day is my day's been worse what can I do what can I do bad day like what happened hear them listen to them help them and then also share your struggles I feel like sometimes you get so comfortable in a relationship that it's almost like you forget do you know what I saw this thing on TikTok and it was really really interesting and when you're dating at the beginning it's almost like you're working towards like as is this going to be my person am i going to end up getting married to them and then once you get married to them it's

like people see that as the end goal marriage should be the start like you should continue dating your partners what i was married that's my that would be my advice is like carry on dating always go someone can always get led astray like you need to like marriage should be the start not the end goal there is the start and then the finish line sorry to be brutal is like death like marriage shouldn't be the end goal no I agree beginning and then you continue dating and learning about each other and supporting and hearing and i think for me it would be like making sure you're making quality time for each other still like as you become a family and things i think it's really important for you to have that one-to-one time like things like dating things like exploring and still doing things you love

doing together and not losing that just because you're married or just because you've got kids I think is really important and also like I don't know like things I would tell myself now if I could go back in time and tell myself things before I got married genuinely where I was I know it takes a lot for me to say this I don't think I should have married that person because there were a lot of things that now what now what I know weren't there and were never there but like things like having a solid communication base that you feel really confident going into a marriage knowing you are heard you are listened to you, your feelings are made valid. Because I think if you don't have that before you go into marriage, everything that comes with marriage in terms

of the family, in terms of buying a family home, all like the adulting stuff makes that communication harder. And you know, as you go through things in life, there are going to be times where you need to have difficult conversations. And if you can't navigate those in a way where you feel safe it's not going to work and I think for me that is the biggest thing now is I would need to know that that person can give me that because look as amazing as things can be in the early days when you're dating, as you start to do more of life together and you become a family, whatever it is, life throws things at you. And it's not about dodging those bad things. It's not about avoiding bad things happening. It's, you know, life has ups and downs.

Life is an absolute roller coaster. I think it's you know life has up and downs life is an absolute roller coaster I think it's really important you are with someone who wants to do that with you and says you know look I want to do all the good times with you but I want to get through those bad times with you too yeah um I think that again I don't want to like put it all on the man but for me personally i feel like it's quite common for men to make the mistake of once they're married and once they're in that like solid relationship they no longer put in the work the romance sort of dies down like and and maybe also the woman like feels like i don't want i don't need to make the effort now like you've now got each other like relationships take work and you should remember to kind of like make that effort i

don't just mean like put on makeup and put on some sexy lingerie i just mean in general like both of you showing up and still constantly remembering to appreciate each other and showing you are at the beginning like that interest in each other like i don't know like genuinely being interested in whether it's the other person's work or whatever it is i think the bottom line is is don't get complacent neither of you to get complacent. Complacency gets lazy. You start slacking and then people start straying. End of. Mic drop.

Just going to throw it on the floor, but I thought I need that. Have your exes got new partners and have they met the kids? If so, how have you dealt with them? You go first. I don't know why there's a big grin on my face. I don't know why there's a big grin on my face. I'm always very cautious of not oversharing too much about someone else's business. But yeah, he does have a partner,

whatever you'd like to call her, I'm not too sure. She hasn't met my kids. I don't think that at that point yet. We've spoken about it. And I feel like he's very much got the same respect that I had. And as and when it would be happening, I would know beforehand. Hopefully that happens. It does fill me with dread a bit like the thought of another woman meeting my children, because you're not able to like vet that person and like choose like i don't actually think she's good enough to meet my kid do you know what i mean like will this person meet my kids i don't know so just sort of yeah going with it did they say that

just how we dealt with obviously it's something well neither of us have dealt with it. Obviously, it's something, well... Neither of us have dealt with it yet, as far as I'm aware. But your kids would tell you? Yeah, and I think they would tell me. Yeah, similar situation to Tash. Yes, mine is with someone. I... For me, my biggest concern is her meeting the children. I kind of also feel like at this point, the amount he sees the kids,

I don't feel like it's necessary for them to have that introduction. I understand what you mean by that. Like, I feel like it's not that often. So it's not like a convenience thing. And also, I think the biggest thing for me, me like I've been with my boyfriend for nine months and we've still not done it because our kids have obviously been through their parents breaking up and his kids are a little bit some of his kids are that sounds like it's got loads a couple of his kids are a bit older than mine I think those ages are quite complex and our biggest priority is prioritising how the kids feel,

broaching when they feel like they're ready and I feel like until, and this is just me and everyone's different and I'm not here judging anyone because people do what they feel is right for them and their kids. I feel like around a year at least, it takes for a child to adjust to their new circumstances, like they're still adjusting to their parents not being together and I think it can take quite a long time to process like mommy

and daddy aren't together anymore they don't love each other whether or not they understand why that happened and I feel like to then introduce someone new could bring up some uncomfortable feelings and I think we both want to just make sure our kids are feeling safe and loved and like I'd never want to come into someone's life and then be like oh is she going to take away some of my attention from daddy or and vice versa and I feel like Theo's a very um he's very like hyper aware of emotions and I would never want him to think oh like this man's coming in and he's gonna take away attention from mummy and things like that.

Look, when the time is right, we will absolutely do it. Do you feel like that because you've waited and you've been together for such a long time and you haven't introduced him yet, do you feel like he should be wasting the same amount of time? Well, I just... Look, nine months is quite a long time. It is a long time, I agree. But I just feel like is quite a long time it is a long time I agree but I just feel like

unless I genuinely felt like his relationship was serious and look I understand that nine months is a long time and most people probably do do it before that this is what we just feel is right and the good thing is we're both on the same page

I don't feel ready not because I'm not sure of him I'm not 100% sure of him for me I worry about my kids yeah do you know what I think it is sometimes I do think it's not necessarily about time it's about the relationship and that's what I think that you're trying to get out with him you know my kids met my ex-boyfriend after four months but we were so set and sure of each other that we were in a place where we felt like it was right and I have no regrets on that four months down the line I'm not to know that after a year we've all no no I grow however I think that I would just hope that my ex-husband would be in a serious enough relationship. To know there's longevity.

Yeah, yeah. If it's like a bit like, oh, they just see each other occasionally and there's not much, I think, depth to the need to involve children. And I guess also with the men, with the dads that maybe only have their kids every other weekend you've got so much other time to see that partner that do the kids need to be involved and like as well do the kids need to be involved and also I feel like is that going to take away from the attention they get from their dad when they're with him and they don't get that a lot I've never really thought about that because obviously they had the kids say 20 at the time even 30 at the time so

then they're then sharing that with another person that's i don't that stuff that goes through my head i do i do sort of i do appreciate i think that i think that time he has with them is really important that he's like giving them as much of him as they can because it is it is a small period of time I also feel like like with me and my boyfriend is that over the last however many months like whilst I'm very very sure in him I'm also dealing with my trauma and trust issues which I hold my hands up and say like I have found challenging not because I've had any red flags but because of what I've hands up and say like I have found challenging not because I've had any red flags but because of what I've been through and so like there are things I've been working on in myself and I wanted to be in a place where I wouldn't have any wobbles or like

any episodes of trying to self-sabotage like I it's not even about me and him. It's about me being in a place where I feel really confident in myself to know that this is a very stable situation. Then we can bring someone in. And I think like until I got to that point, like for me, the last month or so, something has massively clicked. And I do feel it's weird to say it okay and a year ago i would never have said it i feel really safe right now um secure which is for me like the ultimate goal and that was it like i wanted to reach a point where i felt safe because my boys are my little bubble

they're my world and the thought of god like if someone came in and then i was to get hurt again like that would terrify me so i i don't know it's i guess it's like a protection thing but yeah it's i don't know the thing i get stressed about and it's things like this i feel like it's really easy to ruin it like overthink stuff but it's like in my head i'm like oh well he only sees the kids like every other weekend and then friday night and if one of those days is taken up by them together like are they not going to get as much of him like is it going to be focused like i guess it's like anything though we can't control what's on no you can't as as and when it happens for us both it's something that we're going to have to deal with we do get so many questions about it and i guess until one of us experience it we can

only speak unlike and look i guess the other way around maybe when the time comes when i do introduce my kids to my boyfriend that'll be something my ex might struggle with like the thought of unminded yeah the thought of course the thought of another man like being in your kid's life but at the end of the day i do think like if if your kids are getting more love from someone else as well that can only benefit a child to feel loved and special and important and i don't think that's a bad thing but yeah it's obviously something we've not been through i naturally, it's one of my biggest worries. I think it's probably most people's worry. Yes. And look, at the end of the day, I know that no one is ever going to replace me as a mum.

And that is the bottom line, really. Yeah. This one is, to me, asking, when I'm ready to date, will I go back on the dating apps and when do I think I'll be doing that? Oh, to you? Yeah. Why do you want to go back on the dating app? No thanks. Hard and fast. When I do start dating again, I would definitely go back on the dating apps. I feel like it is really the modern way now

to meet people yeah um when I don't really have the answer for that yet um because that's well I don't know how I wave all the red flags flying my way dodge dodge dodge oh reflect um i i thought i do find the whole concept quite daunting i can't um like i think that it's very different first time around to this time round because i think first time round i was sort of able to sit there and be like well I know that I can't really get anywhere it's like I've come out of standards so high to have a trial what I mean is like it's very difficult to go back on a dating app and not sit there comparing guys to the person that you've just been with when they ticked so many buttons. Oh yeah, god, yeah. So I don't know whether

I'll think I'm ready or download it, I'll start doing my scrolling and then I'll be like, I want to crawl into a book. Yeah. So yeah, the one I'm unsure of, but when I do do it it will be the apps. Exciting times.

I'll keep you updated. Do some episodes on that. How do you accept them moving on with the woman he cheated on you with? You just have to accept the cards and there's no point ruminating. It is what it is. I also think we've spoken about it previously haven't we like at the end

of the day if a guy is capable of cheating on you he's also capable of cheating on them and you've almost got a do you know what i was actually thinking about it earlier today okay i was actually listening to our episode out today and i don't know what why it came up in my head but i was just having this thought process of like you know I know a lot of people struggle with when they're with someone and that person wasn't able to give them what they want and they're sort of like why like why couldn't he do this for me why can he be that way and now it looks like he's doing that for someone else that someone else may have much lower standards expectations and values than you

you don't want to have to lower them to meet the needs of someone that wasn't able to make them so sometimes you might sit there and think like oh my god he's changing he's he's amazing for that person why can he be that way for me the likelihood is they probably haven't changed they've just managed to find someone that has lower standards in the most possible way. And I'm not putting that woman or man down. Everyone has different needs. Everyone has different expectations of what they want their partner to be.

And something that might be really, really important to me may be quite irrelevant to another person. And that's why people go better with other people i also think like my piece of advice would be like focus on the things that weren't good or like that you didn't like or made you feel like rubbish because those things in that person still exist and like in my eyes like they're just someone else's problem now. Yeah. Like all those things, like again,

it's similar to what you said, but all those things where my needs weren't being there, you know, that lack of communication, that's, they've not gone away and suddenly developed their communication skills. They've not gone away. I can guarantee you they've not gone away and done self-development and become this incredible shiny amazing person they're just taking their problems to someone

else they've just taken those things somewhere else to remember that the first three months of dating people are very different to what they are normally and you've almost got to feel sorry for those women because they probably think they've hit the fucking toe there's like certain things i sometimes think about like well someone else has got dirty pants just left on their bedroom floor or like what a skiddy uh ick ick ick ick longer you kind of hold on to that anger and stuff it just ends up eating away at you and stopping your healing i think it is just you know you can't control someone else like at the end of the day like i'm the one in charge of my happiness and though that's what i'm focusing on now like i

actually feel like over the last few weeks something massively has shifted for me in terms of I don't know things like trusting things like feeling safe but I think as a result of that it's almost made me feel like just a bit indifferent to everything else going on in terms of like my ex-husband I literally I and I noticed different should be so proud of me like we literally don't talk at all. Like our communication. Do you remember when I used to like react to everything? Like communication is literally bare minimum. And if there have been certain things said, I ignore it now because genuinely I don't care anymore.

I don't care. I'm very much at the stage where I'm so happy and I just want to close that chapter and I'm always going to have a link to him as the father of my kids but where i can keep that minimal it is what it is move on with whoever you want to move on with yes not ideal but it's what it is it's what it is yeah what would both of your perfect dates be but it can't be dinner how how far are we talking like is this like take me abroad or just like whatever you want but maybe like semi-realistic like he he's not flying around a helicopter okay fine so this isn't like 50 shades no yeah and take me okay girls do you know what i'd really like to do i i want to go to harry potter studios that's really cute I love Harry Potter

smell the armist I love Harry Potter a bit so I'd either want to do something like that like literally that fun day out

like that's like my day day vibe yeah like take me somewhere like that but I feel like they've got to be into it too

yeah that would be weird I guess actually it would be quite cute even if they didn't like it and they actually did it genuinely for you that's cute so that would be my day thing and then like this is gonna sound like really really cheesy but like for me it's not about someone like going all out no loads of

money like i would just love to like go to their house and they just like set up the whole thing like really really cute like even if they like made like a little like den with a movie on they've made dinner they've lit candles they've put rose like just stuff like that I've never really had before and I feel like it's just cute yeah and romantic and even if like you know before that date they sent you like a little letter inviting i don't know just just where's the romance people then like come on be romantic like it doesn't actually take that much like away from everything yeah lucky they exist they exist let's hold on to hope mine would be okay so we're talking like midsummer we go to a beach and we're going like late afternoon and he's taking a whole picnic we've got blankets we've

got cushions we've got maybe some rose petals he's made like he's got like a hamper of like this beautiful picnic we've got like some road um some strawberries covered in chocolate we've got it's got all my favorite picky bits you know we've got a bottle of champagne and then we're just gonna chill we're gonna eat and laugh i'm gonna watch the sunset over the sea and i can't you want it don't you want to know what's funny i've got a picnic on the beach and like they are like sunset are my favorite it's my goal that's like i love take note boyfriend now you're listening take note anyone that's listening that wants to take me out on a date that is like literally that's what i mean

if for me it's not the expense don't get me wrong like it is lovely when we go out for nice dinners and things like that but i'm the same like things that have meaning like before christmas my boyfriend set me up this den and because he knew that's what I wanted, like he knows I like all those kind of things. Things like even like, I don't know, like in the back of a camper van,

same thing, like blankets, duvet, like set up, sit somewhere, watch the sunset. It's so romantic. No,

I mean, yeah. Or stargazing. Yeah. Love that. Yeah. Little things. sunset i find it so romantic yeah no i mean yeah or stargazing yeah love that yeah little things it's it is the thoughtful stuff for me like same with you like i'd love a love letter or like i don't know yeah just something turn up at my door and be like be ready for eight. Here's your dress. Yeah, if anyone wants to turn up at my door, my address is... I'll take anyone. I'll take it. Right, shall we do this?

We got an email. An email from a man. From a man. So we wanted to read it because obviously we do obviously have a massively female perspective because we are females and all of you have written in so far

have been females so it's just kind of gone that way so okay here we go advice from a male viewer love there love the pod even as a male keep it up i love this long story short my ex broke up with me a week before valentine's day after being together for eight years she was my best friend and she was everything to me so her breaking up with me was a shock. I asked her to meet me so we could talk because she just all of a sudden left and then didn't want to see me. I finally got her to see me. She said she doesn't want to be with me anymore because she wants to find herself and focus on herself. I asked her if she could ever see us again being a thing. She replied with, maybe in like two years when I found myself.

Sorry, I find that really weird just to like cut an eight-year relationship off and then be like, let's go back together in two years. After we had this talk, she kissed me and one thing led to another and we had sex. I mean, that does tend to happen when you meet up.

Speak from experience, don't you, Tash? No. And after it, I was like, can we try again? Because I feel like there's love there when we have sex. She said, no, I just wanted to end it on a high. Sorry, that's... No, I don't like that. No.

We are now in no contact for around two weeks i'm so confused by the whole situation i broke no contact twice and got told to leave her alone sorry my heart actually breaks for you a bit because i like yeah i just don't know what to do i'm heartbroken she was my best friend and now she wants to be strangers i even asked her if we could be friends because i value her as a person so even to talk to her as a friend would mean so much more than none of it please reply to this on the pod i'm sorry if it's too long um the thing is like it does sound weird that she hasn't really given you much like um what does she want to do in those two years find yourself she's going to bali it just it sounds a bit weird i'm not for a second suggesting at all that she's done anything

unfaithful because sometimes i think that okay maybe this is a bit harsh of me but i feel like it's more men that tend to not leave unless they've got someone else. Maybe that's unfair for me. I just think it's unfair to be like, maybe in two years. I think if you're going to end it, you have to end it. You can't get... So I feel like by saying that, in a sense, she's kind of almost saying like, hang around for me. Like, wait for me. I'll be ready in two years.

I don't think that's very fair on you. One thing I will say though, is I actually think that although it doesn't seem this way, she is doing you a favour by sticking to the no contact and ignoring you. I know no contact is really hard. I really, really relate to it. I'm only eight days in and we broke up a month and a half ago.

It is really difficult. And you've always got to have that one person that's maybe trying to be stronger to both of you she is sort of doing you a favor you being friends with her or staying friends with her isn't really something that you can do I can I can't resonate enough with the fact that you're saying that you'd rather have been in your life than be strangers like the thought of someone that you love that you still want to be with become a stranger is I think the hardest part of my breakup like he is my best friend and I would love to be friends with him but we wouldn't be friends we would be people that are still talking and still love each other and it's just impossible to move forward so my advice to you would be that you need to just remind yourself that

someone that you're meant to be with won't want to end things for no reason whatsoever like you can you know work on yourself and learn about yourself whilst being in a relationship if it's yeah and allow you like allowing each other to have that space to grow but still being able to support each other it look my my opinion it doesn't sound like she's been entirely honest with you which i think is the hardest bit because i think if you've been with someone for that long surely you should have that respect like fair enough that if she doesn't want to be with you sometimes it happens but it's you know talking about those reasons and understanding I also think it's really really important to understand like why a relationship broke down because then you can

take that into things going forward you know you kind of become aware of perhaps strengths and weaknesses and things you need to work on in yourself I think it's really difficult because she hasn't given you a reason I also think by not giving you a reason she's showing you a level of disrespect yeah you know how they say like no response is a response and I think you also need to remember like you're deserving of someone who absolutely loves you and wants to communicate effectively with you and work together as a team and you know it's god heartbreak is awful but yeah sending you love and strength because it does sound like the no contact is probably, unfortunately, the best way through this.

Yeah, no contact is difficult. So I really, really get it. Two weeks, you've just got to take each day. Unfortunately, that is all that you can do and ride the wave. It's just one of those things. But thank you for emailing in. More men, more men more men

first guy that's ever emailed in so if you're listening guys email us okay we've got a confession of the week this title is the worst sex confession still cringes me out eight years down the line are you ready go for it ladies i'm totally obsessed with your podcast tash you're doing so well and carly's so glad you're happy cutie thank you so i was talking to this guy for not very long anyway we went on a few dates etc he was a bit older than me a lot older than me so we were just different at different stages in our life so we cut it off no hard feelings fast forward a year my train broke down and I popped in the local shop to get a drink and wait for the next one. Never guessed who I walked into.

That same guy. Anyway, we started chatting again. I went back to his house. He lives with his old nana, by the way. Like she was 80. I did find this weird at the time but thought, ah, cute, he's looking after his nana. Things started getting frisky. We were having sex on his bed.

He was licking me out and then the fucking nana walks in with my legs wide open. Oh my God. And his precious grandson between my legs. Oh my God, I literally died. He even told his nan to get out and he would be down for tea in a minute. She didn't know what to say. Nana. She just left hobbling along.

I quickly got dressed and walked three miles home because I didn't want to be anywhere near him. It cringed me up. I've got this thing in my head of like this 50 or 60-year-old man. Anna! I'll be down for tea in a minute. I'll be down for tea in a minute. I'm not done with licking her hand.

Yes. I don't want that. Oh, my hands. Yes. I don't want that accent. Oh, my God. No. No. It's the way that... No. He pulls and was like, I'll be down for tea.

It's everything about that story has given me the ink. Oh, God, I feel unwell. Right. Oh, okay. Give me an affirmation. Affirm affirmation the best is yet to come the best is yet to come the best is yet i don't know i feel quite inspired like we were talking about your grandma turning 100 yeah i feel like that's so many years ahead that's like more than what you've lived the best is yet to come yeah please The best is yet to come. Yeah. Please, God. The best is yet to come.

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