Not As We Planned - 36. You Make Your Bed, You Lay In It

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

For the first time we share some updates with you from previous stories we have shared and showing that there is light at the end of the tunnel Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, and welcome to this week's episode. How's your week been? How's my week been? It's really worrying when you can't remember what you've done, isn't it? Getting quite old.

Yeah, it must be that old age, 35. What's middle age? 35. I'm joking. You're older than me, so you can joke away. I've been reborn. I'm like, holding a youth level right now. Well, don't they say that you're as old as the person you're feeling?

Yeah, that's right. I'm peeling 22. No, no no no you you misunderstood what i said oh you're as young as the person you were feeling okay hey i didn't feel it yeah are you yeah that's what they say slightly younger than me 35 i used to be 31 now i'm back to 35 uh yeah so how was your week being you must have done something yeah I had I had a psychic reading use my psychic I used your side okay so I was just feeling a bit deflated and it's something that gave me a real pick me up last time when I was going through my divorce so I thought I just need a bit of hope if you're that person that like feels like they're going to live vicariously through every single thing that that psychic says and

maybe it's not for you but for me it kind of just puts me in a better headspace to maybe manifest better things and just feel a bit better I think it's also like when I had it done it was like that reassurance knowing like everything's going to be okay Like, I know you can't see it right now. Yeah. I know some people are quite sceptical. I feel like you either kind of believe it or you don't. I really do. And it was just enlightening.

It was just so nice to... I think what I really liked about her was she didn't fish for any information from me. If anything, she'd like interrupt me if I tried to overshare, which apparently I tend to do. It was just really good. So it left me feeling a bit positive and just a bit more hopeful. So, yeah, other than that, nothing really to report. And that is something both Tash and I did following our marriage breakdowns.

And look, it's not for everyone. And I was that person who had never believed in any of that stuff. And I think at the start when I was so lost, I kind of would do anything to give me that bit of hope. And someone said, and this lady Tash spoke to was literally on the phone. She didn't even see her in person.

Which I was worried about. I was worried that that wouldn't be good. What I liked is I didn't want to be somewhere where it was all like and like I don't know because I wasn't sure and I thought like worse comes to worse it's a phone call and at the end of it like I never have to think about it again but I remember I think I spoke to you like things now like for the first time I wrote so I wrote everything down Tash was more intelligent than me she recorded hers I wrote everything down and I read it back now and some of the stuff she said happened like one of the things I'm happy to share it one of the things she said to me was you won't date a lot

and then you're going to be in a really like long-term relationship and I'm like and at the time I remember being like what's she talking about I've never gone home and be with anyone again of men and here I am and the thing that annoys me now is I wish I'd like delved more into that but I wasn't interested in thinking about relationships that didn't even come across my mind but yeah really recommend if you'll just look at it like Tash said it is that like hope it just puts you on like a bit of a brighter path. Also, for anyone that is watching, I have had my lips redone. So I haven't been in a fight. This bruising isn't from Carly.

She hasn't beat me up or anything. So yeah, I thought I'd just put that out of my judgment. Judgment-free zone. Yeah. What about you? I've been busy. I've been... No. I had the Glow glow mama awards on saturday yeah it looked so nice which was so much fun um it was funny because my boyfriend came and obviously everyone there were like people i know from instagram they were like it's the hand man

oh i got in the arm do you go in the arm i reckon i could people i reckon i could pick his arm out in the lineup probably i feel like a lot of people could it's a bit worrying yeah it's really nice it was kind of nice for him to see like a bit into my world yeah and like yeah it was a very fun crazy night um really really enjoyed it and then what else have i done just had a chilled weekend um that was it so it all fell on like a weekend when I normally would have the kids. Always does, I swear. So my mum and dad had the kids, which was nice. They haven't had them stay over in ages.

And then we had a really nice quality day together on Sunday. And then Monday, we had like a random, my boyfriend took the day off work and we had like a date day in London, which was really nice. So yeah, another nice week, really. And that's pretty much it. We've got, as always, lots of emails. A ton. We asked you guys, anyone that has sent in emails before that we've kind of shared your story, given advice or anything.

We want some updates. We love it. Guys, we don't just give you this amazing advice for us not to hear how it's going. I get really invested and I'm like, what happened? Yeah, what did you do? What happened?

So if you are listening to this and your story has been shared before, please give us an update. Because we're not sleeping. I'll tell you what I never shared on here. So guys, for anyone that can remember the woman that emailed in who was unsure whether her partner if she was going to stay with him or not and he had like she she'd never met him she'd never met his kids he had the remote house with no signal

she contacted me um she's not we she heard tash literally scope out anyone because Tash has loads of free time to get her binoculars out. I am a PI on the side. So she contacted me. She's not with him anymore. She's given me some details that I actually completely forgot. She's not with him anymore? No. How did I not?

And she's given me some details. So maybe we should do a bit of digging later. I've got his name and everything. Has she? Yeah. She ended it with him. Yeah, she's not with him anymore. This is awesome.

Sorry. I'm going through a lot. Yeah, this is massive. Good girl. Yeah. So she's not with him anymore. And we're doing afternoon's admin. This afternoon.

Instead of us being productive and organising our event, which by the way, tickets went out today. And we checked just before, like literally, we had a few minutes just before and we'd sold out over a quarter. We're not going to look till after this part. Yeah, we sold out a quarter in like four minutes or something. Sorry. I mean, watch out Taylor Swift.

Listen again. Sorry, again, overexcited. four minutes or something sorry i mean watch out taylor swift let's look at it sorry again overexcited okay anyway so we've got some um emails from people giving us updates so i thought we'd go through a few of those and see what's going on after people have received such good advice i literally were life basically life coaches at this point. Untrained life coaches do not listen to our advice. Take what we say with a pinch of salt. Yeah definitely. Okay let's find one. This is called part two. Ready? Go. Hello ladies first of all just want to thank you for the bottom of my heart for your advice. I don't have many friends I can confide in about this situation. And when I do try to open up about it, most people tell me it's over. He's a dick. End of combo. When realistically, how many people

can be in a situation where they spend weekends with their ex as a family unit and have no third parties involved for 10 months on? So update. I recently got to the 12 month milestone, which, oh my God, felt like day one post breakup. I'm sure you can probably relate. It was a painful... Speak about that. Yeah, it was a painful day and a bit of a milestone in the sense of I needed to evaluate everything again. We've not made progress in terms of giving things another go. I asked him and he just said he still didn't see it happening at the moment and he's still dead against therapy with this in mind I think it's time to set some boundaries and try

and work out a new routine as a single parent which will mean no more weekends spent as a family it'll be mummy's time and daddy's time as I think I should be at this point it is his decision after all to break up I think I remember this person yeah emailing they wrote in to remind them yeah yeah I have a feeling this is the person where they broke up but they still did everything together um I'll update you in a few months time to share where we are maybe some healthy boundaries would bring us together maybe it'll allow a completely new chapter who knows but either way with the continued help of following both of your own journeys as well as things I've learned from the podcast I'm confident that

whatever happens I've got the shit and it's still early days 2024 may be the best year yet so again from the bottom of my heart thank you all for everything you do keep it going thank you I love that I want to touch on that because that reminded me. So this week was my one year anniversary of doing it on my own and divorce to birth. Well, you know what? I'm trying to spin it on its head and be like, it's a year where you've been independent and where you've been strong rather than turning it around and being like,

well, your life was over. But on a serious note, like I did really struggle and I think it threw me a bit. I kind of anticipated it and I knew like in the weeks leading up to it, there'd been certain things that like reminded me of things and that day did get me and it wasn't like a sadness, like my marriage is over. I think actually the thing I found hard was like things coming up on my phone and it

reminded me how how low I had been and like I remember some of the thoughts I was having at the time and like I don't I just felt really sad and sorry for myself that I'd once been there but I did also feel like this immense proudness of how far I've come and like and and like not to blow my own trumpet but like that is all on me like I'm the one who decided to pull myself out of the shit I'm the one who decided to get up turn it flip it on its head I'm the one who decided like my new set of circumstances aren't going to dictate the life I have I'm the one who decided to put myself out there and meet someone. And there comes a point where you have to be responsible for your own happiness. And I think it sounds so much easier said than done. We can wallow, we can feel sad, we can feel like

our life is over. When you're so dependent on someone for such a long time, it's hard to see life without them. But I think upon reflection, what I managed to do very quickly is accept my circumstances, was accept what has happened and also accept that the kind of person I am, I knew there was no going back. I know what I'm like. So I knew. So I think I made that decision a lot quicker than perhaps a lot of other people did which was probably a blessing in hindsight but I feel like I was able to take control of those things and don't get me wrong there have been massive highs and massive lows along the way and I'm still going through it now like I'll suddenly sometimes something will literally knock me out of the blue and I can't see it coming and it just

it's triggers it's yeah I've always said we're learning triggers but that day was particularly difficult for me um I found it really hard it was really nice to have certain people like check in and say like well done you've done like amazing it's been a year I went to one of my best friends house for dinner but actually it's and it's like what you said to me it's like as soon as that day was done it was like on to the next day and I felt fine. Yeah. It was just that day. Do you know what I actually felt?

Maybe I'd been like anticipating it. I think that the anticipation and the thought of the day is always worse than the actual day. It's like we actually put that pressure on ourselves. Like, oh my God, tomorrow is a year. But like, actually nothing's changed from yesterday to tomorrow. I also found it like a bit of a celebration in terms of I've done all the first. Survived a year, yeah. Done all the first.

That thing I do now, obviously I have got some firsts, like other people being introduced and stuff. But I've done the first. I've had the birthdays. I've had the Mother's Day, the Christmas. I've done all the firsts that and and i'm still here and i'm thriving and i'm do you know what i'm thriving i'm not just surviving i'm absolutely fucking thriving and yeah i don't know it's very like it's weird it was almost like a bit bitter it is bitter because i guess the only thing i get really sad about is the morning on my family unit

but actually the kids are happier than they've ever been. Like Theo is literally like thriving in school. Milo's developing incredibly well. Like his language is phenomenal. They're so content and happy. Like bedtimes are a dream. Like I just feel like, and my ex is happier. Like we're all just happier.

And maybe it doesn't always have to be this perfect family set up that is conventional and the best thing for everyone. And yeah, so that was my milestone this week. So that was pretty big. Yeah, it's interesting because I don't know the date. I feel like some people had this anniversary because it dragged for so long and there was so much crap constantly being brushed under the carpet.

And it was such a long sentence. I just remember the month and I obviously remember the time that I filed for divorce. But other than that, I remember certain periods of time. June was the month that we separated. But then we went on a family holiday together and he still lived with me for two months and we still shared a bed like yeah I know so like I feel I don't really have I never really had that like today's the day that yeah which actually may be a bit better yeah um but no I I really appreciate that those things are very bittersweet because

you can look at it on the positive of like I've made it I've done it I've survived like onwards and upwards and then it's also like oh like I never really wanted it to be this way and so like knowing how low I was like I've always prided myself on being able to see positive aspects and everything yeah it's like one of the first times in my life i felt so out of control of like i genuinely didn't see a way out i was i've never ever felt like that and i'd never want to feel like that again yeah um but look it just shows it can change hi ladies on last week's episode you kindly shared my story so she was the one she said the one with the narcissistic abusive gaslighting arsehole which is my polite way to describe him so he was the one

who was taking um his new girlfriend to the hotel that they stayed in as a family and telling the kids remember that one yeah i do remember her she ended it with him yeah but he didn't like that and yeah anyway when we were like that. And yeah. Anyway, we were like, look, you need to focus less on what he's doing, more on yourself. So this is an update, which is exciting. At the time I wrote in, I was in a really dark place. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and my hatred for him consumed me. After listening to your advice on Thursday, I decided to join Hinge.

I matched instantly with a guy and we hit it off straight away. I met him on the Friday and we didn't leave each other all weekend. I love that. Love that. I've never connected with anyone as well in my life. We are totally smitten with each other. I never expected this to happen and certainly wasn't looking for anything apart from a coffee with a zombie. Thanks, Carly.

Whatever will be, will be, and it may be nothing, but here's what I didn't know I was looking for. He has been put in my life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Yeah, I like that. Time will tell, but in the meantime, I've never, ever been happier in my entire life. I adore you girls. Generally, I would never have been brave or strong enough without you in the podcast please don't stop doing what you're doing the help you've given me is invaluable i love that i'm so happy for you it's nice that's it like i think sometimes you have to put yourself out of your comfort zone like that's what i was saying like when i put myself

out there on these dating apps it was purely for the confidence boost i never in my life expected to meet someone like the fact like you met on a thursday when met him on the friday and leave him all weekend on all that connection like that even if it doesn't turn into anything like i feel like that should give you hope that it can yeah absolutely i think it is just getting that confidence and realizing there is life after divorce there is life after heartbreak I think we live quite like in a bit of a bubble like we it's our own little world it's all we know and sometimes it's really hard to imagine anything beyond that like I was the same and I think when when I put myself out there I was very under the illusion that no one would ever love me and I think a lot of that maybe is the way I was made to feel my marriage no one would ever love me.

And I think a lot of that maybe is the way I was made to feel in my marriage. No one would ever love me. Someone would only ever want me for sex. And yeah, just there's so much more out there. Okay, this one is called Life Update. Hi, ladies. You mentioned my story back in episode three. My ex cheated with the teaching assistant and gaslit me.

I do too. About it for months. I think she was the one where like her child was going to be like with the woman. I remember that. Anyway, it's now nearly been a year and a half since we split up. I really, really want to get it out there

that life gets better. I remember feeling so lonely whilst I was in a relationship with him thinking if I leave, it will get worse. If only I knew how amazing life could be when I was putting my energy into trying to save a relationship that was already dead. Anyway, in August 2023 he started seeing the children more, once a week and every other weekend. At first this broke my heart as I know you can all agree it's not how we imagine motherhood should be. But instead of being sad about the life I had, I decided this is my life.

I can either be sad about it or deal with it and see this as a positive. So I went back to college to do an access course to get into university. In my free time from the children, I go to college. I put the kids to bed at night and go straight to my laptop. I've applied for university to become a paramedic and have my interview and I'm using my child free time to go for the career I've always wanted and could never do. She's given me goosebumps. I found something that fulfills me and makes me happy apart from just being a mum. It gives me my purpose. I've also started dating again but I'm still not ready to get into anything serious just yet with college and working with the kids I just want to spend a couple of years working on me with my situation I was cheated on

he left me for this other woman who at the time I also knew and of course I hated her however now I don't my kids love her when they came back from his they say how she's brushed their hair done their hair nice hairstyles for them they tell me how she's the one who cooks their tea and they even got little valentine's gifts of him and her which i know will have been her idea so after a lot of inner healing and forgiving people who weren't sorry i'm at a point now where i'm grateful for this other woman she's caring for my children when i'm not around so how can i be angry with that? I mean, it's making me cry. Yeah, I think that is so big of you.

And it is about that healing of there is nothing more telling about you as a person. If you were able to forgive someone that wasn't sorry. And I feel like that's what I've done. I'm not blowing smoke up my own ass, but it does take a lot. But you are in a much better place mentally and not holding resentment and anger if you are able to do that and just let go. Because sometimes people are not going to be sorry

because they don't even realise that they've done anything wrong. Yeah, or just they don't have like the capacity. Yeah. So yes, the biggest thing that has helped me in this last year and a half was learning to forgive those who aren't sorry. I'm grateful that he cheated now. He set me free. Being full of hate can be harmful.

Don't concentrate on what they are doing. Concentrate on how you react. Work on yourself and work on forgiving those who are not sorry. It's been my game changer. He now doesn't hold the power over me and I can now finally live life for me. Love the pod girls. It's been one of the main reasons I'm here happy today.

Honestly, PS, hopefully you can come up north soon. Stay strong. I love that. Like, who would have thought that, like, just us going through what we've been through, like, don't, because you you're gonna make me say i know but like we were just saying before sorry when we started this podcast obviously it was like last summer and for me i was very much still in like quite a raw place with everything

and i guess like i've almost like healed through doing the podcast like what we say is so therapeutic it's really got me and I think sometimes like obviously like our main purpose of this is to help other people it's to build that community it's for people to feel like they're not alone and to feel like that's actually working sorry I don't know why I'm so emotional and I don't know why I'm not just like to I don't know why I'm not. It's just like to feel like it's working. That was always our purpose. Yeah. We get it every single email.

People like so grateful for it. And like, do you know what? I think it's, I think it's very nice to actually hear back from people who we've given advice to that. Like, look, we're never going to sit here and make out that like what we say is Bible and you should go by that and we know what we're talking about we're still learning

i'm i'm currently like massively struggling and i seem to be very good at giving other people advice and not really taking my own which i think we're all probably guilty of but it's just so nice to hear people that have actually gone and done something that has put them in a better place and we are partly to have helped that. So, I mean, do you know what? Even if the podcast ended today, we've done what we wanted to do,

but we really hope that with all the listens, with all the shares, with all the positive reviews, all we want to do is reach more people to help. I think this becomes apparent. So like a couple of weeks ago, I went to a couple of events. It was last week, two events, two days. And both times I was speaking to people who either themselves or they've got best friends who are going through it.

And I think it just became so apparent as how common all the things we are sharing are. And it's one of those topics that just isn't spoken about enough so everyone goes through those things feeling alone and I feel like what we're able to offer is like that safe space to feel seen and heard like I don't know it's just it just gets me like when I feel like all the emails I like open it's always like you've helped me so much yeah hold me through my darkest day yeah that's just oh that is why we decided we felt like something like this was missing and I feel like maybe we were right yeah hi Tash and Carly I messaged Tash earlier on Instagram

I first messaged you in July 2022 it must be 2023 oh maybe she messaged you yeah that's when I explaining how unhappy i was in my 10-year marriage and i'd finally had the conversation with my husband about this our relationship wasn't abusive or toxic and no third parties are involved but i was deeply unhappy i didn't take tasha's advice to listen to your gut and after two weeks i gave in to him promising things would improve and more efforts would be made. Unfortunately for me it turns out the damage for me was way too deep and I had felt completely unloved for such a long time. I could not change how I felt and it has taken me since December to finally find some courage

from deep within to speak up and say I want us to separate. I can't tell you how many times I opened my mouth to say the words and nothing came out. To make matters worse, I work for my husband's business. So in the last two weeks, I also went for an interview and got offered the job the following day. Although I have many amazing friends, until this week, I kept everything to myself and I've honestly felt so lonely and like I have failed my children who both adore their dad.

Anyway, there's no point to this email other than to say watching both of your different journeys over the last what am i gonna cry again for god's sake watching your journeys over the last one to two years has given me so much comfort and has encouraged me from afar to listen to my guts thank you ladies do you know what i can resonate with her so much the way that she said that you know i didn't take your advice and I stayed and it's only been till December like I just really want to emphasize how long see now I'm getting up you would do a cry how long I stayed when I shouldn't have and it does damage you um but you got there in the end I think you need to all be kind to

yourself and realize like it's so much easier to stay um don't be so hard on yourself like I think there's so many people even those people that show their perfect happy families on social media that won't be happy and I think that we're probably very guilty of constantly comparing ourselves and feeling like we need to have what that other person has but no one knows what happens behind closed doors I can also very much resonate with feeling very alone because I didn't tell anyone because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I was meant to leave, but I didn't want people's advice that I knew I wouldn't take.

I feel like until you're at a point where anyone can tell you what to do, like anyone can give you advice, and even if you know deep down that they are right you have to be ready to take that plunge I think it's with any relationship like yeah so well done for doing what you needed to do and it's probably still really early days but like you you've done it like well done okay we thought we'd read one that isn't um someone making us well i don't know i don't know what i'm just seeing the

won't hold off the whole episode was it last week when it was like hanging off no i've just seen this um subject and it i'm being drawn to it how can i get over my ex please help yeah oh it says please help so i feel like there's a bit of desperation here let's do this hi ladies a bit of a backstory my ex and i were together for 18 months we knew each other from school and found each other on tinder after both splitting up with our previous long-term partners at similar times only difference is that i have an eight-year-old daughter from my last relationship everything was amazing we argued of course but he met my daughter and moved in with us last summer i loved him so much i'd say he was my first proper love because i must admit my daughter's dad and i were just co-parenting and cohabiting. I ended that relationship. The beginning of this year my ex started to get quite frustrated with

me, blaming me for things that weren't my fault but he'd apologise and I'd forgive him because I love him so much. He has since said he feels ashamed of himself for the way he treated me which made me feel relieved as it proves it wasn't just in my head. Anyway, four weeks ago he ended the relationship. Said I'd done nothing wrong, but he just didn't want it anymore and moved out on the same day he ended it. He has said he's never coming back. Me and my daughter are heartbroken. I'm crying every day and she's asking for him. You see, he was my only support network and I've lost so much more than a partner. My family and I aren't close, so I really do feel so alone. I wish he could come I think it's really hard when you've, it sounds like you've not really been given a reason as

well like I think that's always the hardest bit like how do you know I don't know like for him to like just leave and say he doesn't want it and he doesn't want it without a reason is really difficult yeah I think that unfortunately reason or not if that person isn't wanting to be with you then that in itself shows that you can do better and trust me I know it doesn't make it any easier I broke up now with my ex-boyfriend it's been just over two months and I remember in January being like I just want to get to March I just want to get to March I just want to get to March I'm going to feel so much better in March I'm not going to sit here and lie I don't feel better in March unfortunately I wish there was some secret or some advice that we could

give you that will really really help you but as cliche as it is it is time unfortunately it is having to like Carly said accept your circumstances and choose whether you either want to wake up one day and be like okay do you know what this is my life now I've got to get on with it or sit and wallow you can wallow for a bit listen to the sad songs read your messages look at the old photos and don't worry I'm still guilty of that at times when I'm feeling sorry for myself but eventually you need to pick yourself up for yourself and for your daughter and try and realize that if that person isn't meant for you you will find better like you said that he was probably the first person that you truly loved even though you have obviously your daughter's

dad I feel like every relationship once one ends and that door is completely closed eventually the next person you find is only going to be better like I feel like every relationship is a lesson like it must be very hard that he lived with you and that you became used to kind of like having that other person you've kind of gone from being a single mum to not being a single mum to being back to being a single mum so it's not just going through a breakup it's yeah your whole dynamic and everything changing and having to deal with her emotions too that there isn't a quick fix unfortunately um yeah i think as well i think sometimes we have to remember if someone is capable of walking away from you, and sorry to be really blunt, they just don't love you enough. And you deserve someone to feel like they couldn't ever be without you, like that you deserve someone who is so much more than that. Someone who would never leave you, who would never leave you and your daughter. And he's obviously displayed regardless of whatever his reasons are.

But that's just not enough. I think it's really, I've not been through it. I think it's really difficult when obviously your daughter had like some kind of attachment to him as well. But almost like maybe trying to help her in terms of like make it exciting like it's just us like what are all the things we can do now we're not having to think about a man and i don't know like just try and focus on the fact like you're yours and your daughter's bond can only get stronger because you're not splitting that time with someone else and maybe focus on like nurturing that and pouring just more into that relationship and making sure do

you know what regardless of who comes into your life in the future you two have like a really tight bond that is is unbreakable um regardless of who's in or out of your life yeah and i think it is just trying to do things to make you feel better, like finding good podcasts to listen to, making sure you get out every day, getting some fresh air, journal. Like, I do find it is really, really helpful. Write your feelings down, like, get it on paper. Even seek some sort of therapy. Like, for me, like, that was and still is a game changer and surround

yourself with friends like keep busy don't feel like you have to be like a martyr and be like I need to learn to be okay on my own and so I'm going to be on my own no no surround yourself with people and keep busy like I'm still doing that and it is so refreshing when you suddenly like you're with someone and you find yourself laughing you're like okay like i can't i can be happy i can laugh and you just got to take the small wins and just ride the waves healing isn't linear you're going to have your up and down moment and you've just got to tell yourself that eventually you're going to be okay and he's better yeah so thank you for emailing in and i really hope by the time you

hear this you're maybe in a slightly better place okay this stood out for me because the title is the other woman the other woman writing it yeah i think so i know okay so hello you beautiful ladies thank you you know all the right things. I love your podcast. It's helped me so much. You're both doing amazing. So this is going to be a bit of a different one as I am the other woman. Don't judge too quickly. I didn't know.

Another one. There was someone else who didn't know. I was friends with this man and I knew he was married with a child. He said that he was planning on leaving his wife as he was not happy anymore. We got on well and started to get closer in our friendship. I said that I liked him and that I didn't want to have an affair so if he wanted anything with me in the future then he needed to leave. I got a call one day and he said that he had left her. We then slowly started dating. I know it was very soon but I fell madly in love with this man. How silly of me.

I then found out that he was actually still living back with his ex. I was shocked and upset and he was actually going back to her and I was the dirty secret to him. He then eventually left her for the final. Well, I believe so, but who knows? We started dating again and took things very slowly i started to listen to a podcast as i thought one day i was going to be a step-mom to his child and i wanted to learn more about motherhood okay so she's not a mom i mean do you know what good for her for trying to kind of like like educate herself she then found out that he was dating me. And even though I thought he'd left, he hadn't. So technically we did have a affair without me realising.

It's things like this that just make me think. If he can do it, like, it's just a lie. I know that we've never really thought or spoken about the other woman. But I do also feel for her because she's become like emotionally attached to this guy she's fallen madly in love with him and even once you're at that point even though she's now found out she's in theory like the dirty secret and the affair it is very hard to then walk away because he'll convince her that like i've done it because i don't love her i love you do you know what i mean and you're made to think like, oh, do you know what?

Like, he's not a bad guy. Like, he's amazing. Like, he just loves me. He can't help it. Like, I can't agree. He is the problem. Yeah, I can appreciate if the circumstance happens like that. It depends on the circumstances.

I think if you're fully aware of someone's married, that it's slightly different to being. Yeah, of course. But he told her he left he wasn't happy understandably she was upset and fuming and didn't want me in her child's life which i do understand but it broke me because i wanted a future with this man and his child i keep trusting this man and trying to have a relationship with him the relationship was so on and off because he couldn't decide what he wanted i mean red flag it's true i ended up being diagnosed with depression because of how i was being treated

by this man he would one day say i was amazing and be all over me and then the next day he would ignore me and tell me i was suffocating him i don't like him i mean mean, yeah, I could never win. I ended up getting pregnant with this man. God. Not planned, but I wanted to keep it. I always wanted to be a mother. This man then broke my heart and ended it with me, just as I found out I was pregnant with his child.

Does sometimes make me wonder, you know, I am such a strong believer in like everything happens for a reason. And like, why? It makes me, yeah, carry on. He told me not to tell anyone and to keep it quiet bore offs no sorry no no do you know what you make your bed delay in it it's not a secret you shouldn't have been putting your dick about if it's a secret things like that I'm picturing like just a dick sorry do you know what I mean like no I think things like that are so disrespectful no I'm not a secret no I'm not secret. You've fucking slept with me for months.

You led me on. You played me hot and cold. You told me you didn't love your wife. You loved me. You're sleeping with me enough. Clearly not using any bloody protection. You've got me pregnant. No, I'm not keeping it a secret.

Sorry, things like this annoy me. Things like this annoy me. Take responsibility. You're a grown-ass adult. Anyway. I ass adult anyway sorry he was never there for me during the worst time of my life i was bleeding for two months and had severe pain i was in and out of hospital and i tried to call him and he ignored me and always said that he was at work what a fucking bastard can you imagine going through that on your own honestly it's making my blood boil but you know what's so interesting is like we're obviously hearing this

from the other point of view for once can you imagine if the wife messaged in we'd be we'd be sitting there being like a fucking whore yeah it's true and it just shows like these and i'm not just saying the men but like he's completely manipulated both of them most likely it's manipulation the whole thing is manipulation that's why i'm sometimes but that's why i am sometimes like it's not about the other woman you don't know what story they've been told also the other woman doesn't owe you anything you don't in a lot of well no no i know yeah i know sometimes people are like i'll be a girl's girl but at the end of the day like if you have a man who is claiming that he's in an unhappy marriage he's going to be leaving you and he's love bombing you and making you feel amazing

not many women would be like no so you know it's so easy to sit there and put all the hate and the resentment into the other woman but actually the person that's doing all the wrong is the man with the wild penis i don't think necessarily a lot of people hate the other woman like i think to start with there's probably an element of hate towards them but i think when you step back and realise... It's him? Yeah. I recently have had an operation and he never even attended,

asked about me or checked whether I was okay. All he cared about was trying to sort things out with his ex. Wanted his cake, wanted to eat it, decided the first cake tasted better than the second cake after. I ended up arguing with him because I told him how much pain I was in and I was angry at the world. I said it's upset me that he can see his child and I'll never meet mine. And he'll never meet her.

She's like, I'll never meet mine. I think he meant, she must mean he'll never meet her. I think maybe she's had a miscarriage and i've missed something oh yeah it must be because i recently have had an operation so i'm assuming she had something happened to the baby because she's then put here um his response was he is alive unlike yours this was his child too but he didn't acknowledge this so she lost the baby this man has absolutely ruined my life and has broken me i have massively learned my lesson to never trust any men that could leave their partner and child and date someone so soon after i mean yeah that is a lesson and that is maybe something to

the i guess you can't tarnish every single person in the same situation because I do also, playing devil's advocate here, sometimes when you are in an unhappy relationship or marriage for a really long time, you have detached. long period of time you may have spent the last few months or years feeling like you're on your own anyway but i can appreciate why she said that um i'm devastated for myself his ex and his child because he is selfish and only cares about himself i'm really struggling to cope with the guilt and the miscarriage any tips on how to move on from this shit show thanks again girls joe what the sad thing is and it isn't just men it isn't just men but there are people in this world who they have something good they become a bit complacent with it normally you add a few kids into the mix or a kid and and dynamics change and you know attention isn't solely on you it's more split there's the stresses that

normal life brings and I feel like a lot of people become very fickle and want that attention or want want that feeling of being wanted and they'll try and get that elsewhere. And then when things get a little bit scarier or more real and they become a bit more like what they had before and they're a bit more, then they're like, oh, actually, I don't want that. What I had was good. And it's like, you can't just pick and choose what you want. You can't change your mind and then go back and here and there.

It's manipulation. I'm sorry. I am such a firm believer in you fall in love, you know, you get married, you have kids and you stick with that person through good times and bad. You need to stick with a partner who wants to experience all the amazing highs of you, but wants to be there and help you through the hard times

because there are going to be hard times. And it scares me how many people, and I'm not just saying it's men because it's not, but how many people just see something, yeah, see something shinier, brighter, different, something giving them more attention and go and stray. Do you know what happens a lot of the time? You'll find that, and I am going to use the example of men

because I'm a woman and I hate men. But what you'll find is you'll have a couple and that guy may see that he's got 80% of what he really wants in a woman with the woman that he's with but then he'll go and see someone else that's got that 20% that's missing and he'll stray and he'll think that that woman that's got that 20 that's missing from that 80 is like amazing but then what he'll realize is that 80 isn't there the grass isn't always greener and then it's like you get that thrill you get that excitement and then you realize that actually i i missed that 80 i think and it's it's really like no one's perfect everyone's to have their flaws but it's taking like appreciating what

you've got in front of you and putting the effort and the energy into what you've already got i also think with things like that some of that thrill is the excitement of doing something you're not meant to do or not meant to do is yeah doing something secretive it's it's getting bars getting a thrill what you're in your mid-30s and life is very mundane it's boring and you're doing the same thing over and over again you get up you go to work you kiss your wife goodbye it's probably the most intimate thing that you do the whole time you get back she's complaining about the kids she's tidying up you sit on your phones all night and then you go to bed it's mundane it's boring if you don't make effort in your relationship you will get bored and

the minute that you see some excitement or attention it's tempting but it's the people that are weak that don't have any morals that take on that excitement and attention rather than it being a kick up the ass to be like that's dangerous gonna ignore that let's go and put my energy back in a person that i'm with at home like unfortunately i do also think it's the day and age that we live in divorce is much easier i don't think although we feel like there's still like a taboo and a stigma to it it's disposable isn't it very easy now sad i've always been a believer like you get married and that's for it but people like for some people it's not that it's I don't know it makes me feel really sad that's why I held on for so long because I didn't but

for me divorce wasn't an option it wasn't something that I saw my life go it like that path but unfortunately it does happen and you just got to learn these lessons and make sure you know like she said in her email I now know not to get involved with someone so fresh out of a marriage or a relationship with a child like I think you've just got to take those lessons and move forward with it and know what you want and what you don't want and I don't look I don't even think it's that I don't even think it's not being with someone fresh out of a marriage. I think every set of circumstances is really different. Like, I think where I'd experienced um like lies I think how do you know someone who you who's a complete stranger they owe you nothing how do you know like you're not being paid lies and I think that's always the hardest thing and look you can only trust your own

judgment and I think I think the minute you know there's been like a breach of trust, like early doors, that should be a massive red flag, I just think. I think we are probably all guilty of seeing those red flags in a new relationship or early on. I sort of think to myself, but how red is it? Like, is that something that like would just be a one-off and we could ignore that? Is that more burgundy?

I just, i don't know i feel like it can sometimes be easy to ignore them because you think you found a good thing you're like oh no one's perfect but i think you just have to be a bit more vigilant and really think that if that is a red flag try not to ignore it because you're only going to end up doing yourself the damage and it's there for a reason like that thing in your head that's going off like that that's not a mistake that's fine and we say it all the time like listen to your gut like something niggling in you like that is telling you something yeah okay should we finish off with the concession of the week fashion of the week after finding my husband in bed with another woman oh here we go again

my friends came around to bag up all his belongings however i kept anything me or my family had brought for him over the past 10 years and sold it all on vinted he rarely purchased anything for himself so let's just say i made some dollar i love that good for Good for you. Yeah, I love that. Actually, I don't think any of this stuff was worthy. Yeah. What affirmation should we do of the week?

Never apologise for trusting your intuition. Your brain can play tricks. Your heart can be blind, but your gut is always right. 100%. I love that. Trust your gut.

Guys, trust your gut. Thank you for all your updates, your emails. Without all of that we wouldn't really have much to talk about guys we want to keep writing in but we don't like yeah please absolutely come to us with your problems your stories but we want some funny dating stories funny sex stories we we like we like to laugh and we like to feel like we like to cry we like to be there for you and help. We want both.

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