Not As We Planned - 39. He's Literally a Walking Talking Red Flag

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

We talk about second chances and if they really work, befriending the ex girlfriend and girl boss energy vibes only. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, and welcome back to this week's episode. Let's have a little ketchup. Let's have a ketchup. Ketchup, ketchup. Ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup, ketchup. So I actually had quite a informative and interesting update in my life

that I wanted to share. I'm sure people are going to really resonate with it and maybe give people a bit of hope. I shared on my stories. I know this is obviously going to come out in a few weeks but I shared on my stories um last week that I've been like really struggling with in particular Blake's behavior and he's always been the more challenging of my three and um I don't know if I've ever mentioned on the podcast that I started play therapy with him so I just feel like he

definitely really struggles with his emotions and his sleep isn't good and I just feel like he needs that extra support trying to find ways of expressing his emotions anyway I had a review with his play therapist who's a psychotherapist and also before I even had the review with her I've started thinking about his behavior and researching a bit more and he's not been good at school either and I was looking into potentially getting him assessed for like ADHD autism And I had the review with his therapist and she can't diagnose because she's not qualified to. But obviously she's very switched on and deals with a lot of different children.

And she pretty much said to me, she is almost certain that he's got ADHD, maybe slightly autistic um and you know what it's just like although i don't have a diagnosis yet it's like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders yeah that like i haven't gone and like damaged my child from the divorce or I haven't done something that's kind of like made him behave the way he is don't get me wrong I'm still very aware that like just having a label or having a reason for it doesn't mean it's going to be any easier but for me with these sort of things I feel like knowledge is power and now the more I can understand about how to parent a child with ADHD I feel like I'm gonna gain more patience gain more kind of respect for things

that he's doing rather than it being viewed as like well he just yelling it's actually like he's really struggling like he is he's not naughty I hate the word naughty don't get me wrong sometimes I do use it like why does he have to be so naughty like it's so frustrating like it's fucking hard dealing with and this is what I was explaining in my stories like dealing with trying to regulate your children's emotions when you're not even particularly great at doing it yourself with your own and you're going through stuff and you feel like you can't be completely present with them and then I'm really sleep deprived because he doesn't sleep well and it's all on you and I don't have that person even when I was married he wasn't particularly like present in the day or bedtime or whatever it's still having that person that you can get

into bed with at the end of the day and offload to or unwind with or someone that actually appreciates what's going on with your files. And, you know, I have some people being like, oh, but like you've got your friends or like I'm always here for you. It's not the same. Like I love my friends to pieces. It is not the same and it is not comparable. When I have my married friends say things to me like, oh, but I get in bed on my own, but you're not on your own. You have someone else that is helping and working with you.

Anyway, I then had a meeting with the school and it turns out that they were also thinking the same thing, but they aren't allowed to tell you. They've almost got to drip freeze you information with the hope that you're going to go and seek some guidance to then get a diagnosis so the school are unbelievable with the support that they're gonna help him with and there's two routes you can either go down nhs which at the moment there is a waiting list of 30 months or privately which is very expensive you're looking at if you want to get assessed for adhd and autism it's around the three grand mark so what's amazing

is the school are actually gonna they don't care about a label they don't care about a diagnosis if we are both on the same page that we believe that he is struggling and has adhd they're treating it that way meaning i can go down the nhs road the wait list but not just be on the be on the wait list he's going to get the support and i just need that diagnosis by the time he goes to secondary school which i'll get um and i don't need a label i don't need to spend three grand to be like yep knew it he's got adhd i think i know in my heart like even if they turn around said that we're not giving him that label I can see all the traits that he's got that he's struggling with so

much and I don't know I feel like I know that I'm still gonna have those struggles and still gonna lose my patience I'm still gonna find my weekends really difficult with them. But now I just feel like I'm going to come in at a slightly different angle. And I feel like I'm the sort of person that once I know that I can gain more of a perspective and find out more information about something to help me and him, I know I'll do that research. I used to get really annoyed when he just couldn't sit at the table when he's eating i told you just sit at the table like if you have food in front of you sit down because then your brother copies you and but now it's more actually i can see that you're really struggling do we need to do some star jumps let's do them together well there's loads of things you get so i grew up with my younger sister was diagnosed with adhd from about five which back in those

days was very inner so like i've grown up with a sister and when i say adhd i mean severe adhd she was mistaken and known as the naughty child in the school and she's always had behavior problems she she was she was born at 24 weeks so they think it may have been like developmental factors um and she was very very dyslexic and she had lots of struggles at school and i've seen it like firsthand like i've grown up with a sibling who has severe adhd and i've seen the challenges it's brought to her in her life but there's so much like i feel like the world we live in now it's all about making everything accessible for children with additional needs i think there's so much more awareness of it and things like sitting down you i don't know if you've

seen the wobble cushion he's got one of those great fidget yeah it is he's got a wobble cushion. He's got one that's great. With fidget spinners. He's got a wobble cushion at school. But I think it's more for me now really understanding that he's not doing it to wind me up. He's not doing it. Yeah. And I just feel like it's going to change me as a mum and how I respond to him and help him. And I think I've carried a lot of guilt for the last few years. And don't get me wrong, nature nurture.

I'm sure that situation hasn't helped him being a very emotional child. But I think I was so, I feel like there's just so much pressure these days of like, and I put this pressure on myself, worrying that like what I do on a daily basis with my children is shaping their adult life. Yeah. And I don't think that, that wasn't a thing when we were children. We weren't aware.

Like so unaware of like mental health and like what trauma can be like taken from a situation. Therapy and stuff are spoken a lot more openly about nowadays and people actually do a lot of the work and figure out like a lot of their trauma is underlying from childhood but it's not saying we were ever aware of yeah things like that but now now i just feel like like i said knowledge is power i'm gonna just do a lot of research i want to find some podcasts i want to read some books and really sort of learn and understand how my child's brain works and with that i'm hoping that maybe things will start getting a bit easier because yeah yeah it's it's been really difficult being a mum is difficult being a single mum is fucking difficult. But then when you add in additional needs, it's fucking hard.

It's all hard. And I don't know, I just feel like maybe there's a bit of light now for me at the end of the tunnel. And it's just given me that boost to kind of like really educate myself to help him even more. So that's been the main focus of my week we've had a bit of a downhill stint of behavior by his i don't know if it's like milo's two and a half now and he is so his language blows my mind like theo was a very delayed speaker he didn't really start speaking properly till after he was three and Milo's been confidently speaking for months now and I think that confuses me

sometimes and I think when someone's got the language skills you think they understand everything but they don't I think he can say a lot but I don't think he's got like that maturity and they just wind each other up like don't get me wrong people stop me particularly like the school gates and like when they see my kids out and about because they're the most affectionate kids like they want to hold each other's hands like every morning when I when we drop Theo after school Myla has to give him a cuddle a kiss on the lips and a high five and then he goes back in for another kiss and all the other parents like oh my god they're so sweet and like they are I swear to you they are not always like to give him a cuddle, a kiss on the lips and a high five and then he goes back in for another kiss and all the other parents are like,

oh my God, they're so sweet and they are, I swear to you, they are not always like this. I think that's what I find really hard is one minute they can be so lovely and obsessed with each other. I told one of them off the other day, I can't remember what they did, they were doing something dangerous and I was like, right, you need to go and sit on the stairs now,

the sun's safe, you need to go and sit on the stairs and the other one I think it was mine that goes my mama and like goes me not like you and I ran off

and then they were just like sat cuddling and looking at and I thought it's really nice that you've got each other's backs but yeah

but yeah like this the last week or so their behaviour has been going downhill it's very physical I don't know anyone who's got two boys. No, but...

Similar in age. I have that. My three-year-old is very physical with Heather, and it's so hard because... It's the one thing that triggers me. It's the one thing that I shout at. I'm very good at navigating a lot of situations. One thing I pride myself on as a parent,

I'm not saying I get it right all the time, not that I'm amazing at regulating my feelings, but I feel like I do a really good job of being relatively gentle parenting when it comes to things like emotions and things. It's something I've worked on really hard over the last couple of years and particularly try to be more careful around it following the separation and stuff. Like I've never wanted to deflect my own anger and stress so i've almost been like extra conscious like really trying to validate their feelings but the one thing that i find i just can't control is when they're physically fighting and they're getting really physical that triggers me and i get really really angry and i'm like i'm not and it it's when those days that it feels constant like the minute they wake up they just can't get on like and it

gets physical like i had a massive scratch across his face the other day then milo ends up with a bite mark in his back and they're not bad kids and i find that really frustrating because i know how loving and affectionate they can be. So I've tried to sit down with Theo in the evenings and I've been like, is something bothering you? Talk to me. We don't use our teeth to do things like that. Or, you know, when he's getting physical with his hands, like instead of punching him, why don't you come put those arms around me and we'll have a cuddle instead. And anyway, sometimes I say to especially Blake, like like if you're feeling frustrated that's fine

but here's a pillow yeah yeah 100 but unfortunately yeah my kids wind each other up they hit they punch they bite and and then like roams at that age where he's copying my line it's a point where i'm like guys calm. Can you stop it? And they don't. I also feel like they're both like, they're always coming home from school saying things that he does not hear at home or certainly not in my home. And like, like Frasey comes out with them like, where have you, what, you, where have you picked that up from? And it's, I know it's from school and. And I spoke to his teacher and she was saying,

oh, we've had a few of these words coming out and we're really trying to stop them. And I'm really big on that. But Milo, oh my God. His memory is something else. I have to remind myself, he's like two. He came out the other day and he was like, I won't say the kid's name, but he goes,

at nursery, told me to shut that up. At nursery. But now he keeps repeating it. And this has been like a month. And I'm mortified. I'm like, because we don't use that kind of language. And I'm like, and he keeps telling me, mummy, at nursery said.

And I'm like, and I don't want to draw loads of attention to it and make it a big thing. But at the same time, I do want them to know, like, we don't use that language in our house. So anyway, I've got to the point where I felt like the last week I have become a shouty mum and I hate being her. Because then I end up in this horrible vicious cycle where I go to bed crying, feeling like I'm a shit mum. And I've let myself down down like the other day I was on the phone to my boyfriend and she like in tears like I've let them down I've let me down he's so good with it I think that's another thing I really like about him being a parent like he

gets it and I don't feel judged in any way like yeah I can really appreciate that because I think when you're maybe with someone that doesn't have kids and not been through it not even not being through it because I feel like my dad is quite like this as well I think it's quite hard for someone that has that mindset of like that child is just naughty why are you looking for um yeah an excuse or a reason for it like they're just naughty or they did that on purpose and like I want I need to be with someone especially now understanding Blake more that really understands that like it's how his brain works he's not he's not being manipulative he's he's a six-year-old child and yeah so I can really appreciate for having that common ground with another parent do you know what's nice like he said to me something like why don't you try this and it's quite nice like having someone like

he's got three kids it's nice having someone and they're older most of them and that it's nice having someone who's like been through it yeah and you don't feel like you're failing actually you feel very normal i don't know i can't explain it I just felt really like like I had like a bit of backup or like it was okay to feel that way so this week I've reintroduced I did it a few months ago and then you know it's like you just fall off it but I've reintroduced their star charts and we sat down together and we came up with the things they could get stars for and Theo came up with one like every time I try a new food and he's a really fussy eater so I was like that's a really good obitio let's do that one but like things like helping mummy things like being kind to my brother

are on there things like another one like for single mums like I really get my kids involved in the chores now so like cleaning up after breakfast I've always I end up not resenting them but I get myself in this place where I feel like there's so much to do and actually my kids love helping me so every morning now they get a staffer taking their bowls over to the sink putting their rubbish in the bin putting it like you might anticipate they get all their food out in the mornings they help make breakfast same with like clearing up every day like Theo helped me hang the washing up the other day I want them to see the workload that goes into running and maintaining a house i don't want them to think it just magically happens

i don't want to have to do those things every night when they're in bed i think it's really important for children to see what it's like to maintain a home and and even more so when you're a single parent like how much you were juggling like uh and it's very much i'm honing in on the fact like we are a team we are all in this together and like we we call it we call each other the three musketeers because we we have to work together like if i'm asking for help and i was doing it and then thea goes three musketeers we need to help and we do and that's yeah so i'll update you guys as to whether the um my marble jars back out so i So it's a similar sort of thing.

Every time they do something, it's all about like... Reintenancy. Praising. Reinforcing the praise. Like if they're naughty, they don't lose a marble. They never lose. They never get. So even things like, just like for example, the other day, Rome hit Blake.

Blake didn't hit back. so I gave him a marble. I was like, do you know what? Well done for not hitting back because I'm really trying to show them that if someone hurts you, go and tell somebody. People make mistakes. Yeah, I agree. This is what we're doing as well,

that Theo's exactly the same. Milo does think he'll do something bad. One thing I find about the Star Tarts is charts is yes obviously it's great for the kids but I also feel like it makes me more conscious to focus on all the positive things I feel like I'm I'm giving them so much more positive reinforcement so it's actively making me feel like a better parent because I'm actually rather than focusing on the negative things you're focusing on the positive and that's what they're and honestly like the difference in their behavior between i only started singing yesterday i had the best day with them yesterday like and they've

come down this morning like mommy can i help do this like it gives them a focus and it helps me be a best parent so yeah um that's that that was quite a big update wasn wasn't it? It's fucking 20. Let's go into an email. As always, thank you guys for sending them in. We've got here a write-in update. Yeah, we like that. Love an update. Okay, let's do this. So, just listening to the podcast, as I do every week now,

I thought I would send a little update as you've asked for one. I really enjoy Thursdays knowing there's a new episode out each week. I emailed in about my cheating husband having an affair with... Another one. His employee. Yes. And wanted to send an update. I followed your advice and I didn't act on it and report him to his work.

I remember this one. And we were worried that she wouldn't hear it in time. Yes, we were. Because I knew I had too much to lose with my home and stability for our little one. However, someone else did report it. I have no idea who, but I did feel a sense of relief that somebody had and it was no longer a threat that he could hold over me. Oh, everything happens for a reason.

It was investigated and he got away with it anyway. He said no action was taken and they're now happily outed at work and able to continue their relationship publicly. It makes me wonder if all those work policies that he threatened me with were ever actually real. He seemed to think that I would have been considering how he was feeling during the investigation and I think I surprised him when I told him I couldn't have cared less about how he felt after everything he had put me through

what the arrogance of this man is crazy he actually said don't get me wrong i know i partly deserved it i couldn't believe what i was reading from him all of this was his doing so these men are delulule i know i even found out that his girlfriend with low morals and respect has had four weeks off with work because of stress. So stressful knowing that your new partner's got

a wife at home. I haven't been able to take any time off which I've desperately needed because he's cut the bills down significantly. It's so frustrating. Anyway, he is now living his best life with his soulmate and they are busy playing happy families he introduced our child to her the day before mother's day he didn't tell me he had and i had had to hear it from our child in the car and it honestly broke me and took me so by surprise oh my god these men

i will never understand why after everything he has done he goes out of his way to either be purposely cruel and calculated with his timings or that he's so selfish that he even thinks about how hurtful this is no do you know what i also think it's like an element of his way of still getting to you that's genuinely what i think it is a tiny bit of hold they have and it it's like, how can I make sure I can hurt her a little bit more? How can I have control so she can't quite let me go? Let me just try and make sure she knows. I've still got the power, I'm telling you.

He even collected our child from my family home with her in the car last week. The man stood in front of me sickens me. Even the way my child is now fully involved with his girlfriend and her child just eight weeks after leaving. Wow.

Jesus. Wow. I just think that has, I just think that like, I'm going to say it, like I just find that really selfish. Yeah, it just speaks volumes

about the type of dad. Like yourself, like surely in the whole thing you should be putting the kids first. What is in their best interest? That is not in your best interest. I'm sorry it's not.

They are planning holidays together and living their best lives. I'm trying so hard to not let his new happiness impact me. Some days I'm really low and have some horrendous thoughts. This is mainly when he has my child. Other days I love my new feeling that we have in our home. There's no resentment for running around burning myself out whilst he does nothing to help or at least the bare minimum I no longer have to get upset by his lack of effort wanting to take part in our family life however it does

get to me when I hear that he's doing all the family things with her that he absolutely never would have done with me because his hobbies were more important I love the quality time that I have with my child although I feel like there is a constant countdown until they have to return to him. His family have distanced themselves from me which was a real shock and I'm really struggling with this. They were family to me too. I knew them for 10 years and I loved them. In the beginning they said they didn't want anything to change and I would always be like a daughter to them and I believed them. I haven't heard from them in months now I don't really feel like I can contact them because I don't know what lies he might be telling them that's the thing like you don't know what stories that he's conjured up to make himself look better I also think unfortunately I think

it's quite common when the in-laws or ex-in-laws kind of like distance themselves and sometimes I'm not joking sometimes I think it's actually like out of humiliation a hundred percent oh my god I really really do not that embarrassing it is and as well it I agree it's it is the um it's what they're being told I guarantee they're being told very different. I also feel like they chose to distance themselves so they don't deserve a seat at my table, but it doesn't take away the hurt. Thanks to this incredibly selfish man, I've lost my husband, my identity,

my confidence, my security, his family who I loved and made so much effort with, and my ability to trust anybody again. I now have to stand by and pretend to have dignity as he wrongly puts his new relationship on our child and wait to see if it works out or damages our child and it makes me so sad. This woman was a step-mom to her ex's children for over five years. She's walked out on the step-child and seen them twice since. It saddens me that she may do the same to our child who

doesn't deserve any of this. It's like my husband and his girlfriend have no consideration for anybody else and they've completely rewritten history, and they actually believe that they've done nothing wrong. I've never felt the sadness like it. I pretend to hold it together. I show up for myself, but it doesn't take away the pain from the trauma he has caused. It's only been 16 weeks since he announced he was leaving, but there was nobody else until I discovered the affair. I can't keep up with how much has happened. He moved out eight weeks ago but still hasn't removed his belongings. He treats me like I don't deserve to have any feelings and makes me feel powerless when it

comes to co-parenting and our home. I'm becoming numb to his selfishness and efforts to hurt me but I struggle daily not knowing why he has done this and is choosing this when I didn't deserve it I loved him and I would have stayed loyal to him but this is what you get for putting him first all the time I know he isn't worthy of my love a very long update feel free to cut it down and thank you so much for your podcast it really has made an enormous difference to me I can really resonate with everything you're saying and it just breaks my heart that you're still in such a bad place but it's it's such early days and I feel like you need to be really kind to yourself and realize like you've gone through a lot like this guy has been literally completely all over you he's shown no respect and I just feel like I know it's so easy to say and very hard to to do but

it's reminding yourself of like you know even you saying things like it's really hard seeing him do all these family things with someone else that he wasn't willing to do with you like he that person that he was with you that's him he hasn't changed you know it it's he's in the honeymoon phase like yeah i also feel like look it's so difficult when the person you love ends up doing everything that you wanted them to do with you with someone else there's no easy way about getting over that but i think that with time and annoyingly like time it is annoying like I'm like I just want to click my fingers and be at this point and feel this way but I feel like you just need to kind of

eventually accept the circumstances and maybe go and seek some therapy kind of do something for you to make yourself feel better I said a few weeks ago is everything you're feeling now is completely valid but I feel like a lot of your focus is on um everything like he's doing and this and that and I think one thing you've got to understand is you can't change someone you can't change what they do how they behave what they're doing in terms of like essentially he's got parental responsibility so if he deems it fit for him your child to be around the other lady then then that's a little don't know why i said lady then that's appropriate in those terms and i think for your mental sake rather than focusing all the things he's doing that are like making you upset or hurting you is to focus on you and put that energy into the things you can control I think is so hard like

and I've been in your shoes like I've been in your situation where I've been so like obsessed about all the things that are beyond my control about someone else's actions someone else's choices nothing you do no amount of worrying over that no amount of obsessing over it and thinking if you just did this if you just did this it's going to change it i'm sorry if that sounds really really blunt so you have to focus on pouring into you doing things that make you feel good looking after yourself getting yourself back like i think you said something and it made me feel really sad like that you you feel like you've turned into this person who's like completely lost themselves and go and find yourself now like in that time your child is away and you said like you struggled

when your child is away from you use that time to go and find yourself yeah even if it's like making sure that you see friends that you know people surround yourself make people that lift you up go and seek some therapy go and see a psychic go and get a million dollars get some more treatment yeah go get your nails done like make the most of you you know what i started to do like i hit a point where i just wanted to feel comfortable in my own company i took myself out on dates like on my own i had to go out for a full day shopping. I'd take myself out for lunch. I'd get a table for one.

That used to sort of terrify me. And I would... You've done it. You've never done it. Do it. It's your challenge. I've shopped on my own. No, go and sit down.

I went full on Wagamamas, table for one. Yeah. I've done it several times now. It does not bother me. Literally does not bother me. And I sit there. And the first time I remember people, I remember thinking, like, everyone's staring at me,

thinking, what a loser. You know what? No one cares. Well, no, do you remember when I went to that Jay Shetty thing on my own? That was quite a big thing for me. I went into London and went to a show on my own. I think that's why we really like, like, we've seen all the tickets that we are selling for our event most of the tickets a solo ticket yeah and i love that because i know people have messaged us being like it's

really out of our comfort zone like but i really want to come like it's doing something like that that will boost your confidence and yeah i'm i'm I'm sad really sad to hear how much you're struggling but also be kind to yourself that it's still such early days and your life has turned upside down but that doesn't mean that it's not gonna flip back even better so yeah thank you for sending in your update i appreciate it okay my ex gave me my best friend hi tash and carly firstly just want to say as a single mom i've been loving your podcast i listen every week without fail we love you loyal listeners we love you i thought i would share a story of something lovely coming out of something awful i split with my son's dad in 2020 this isn't about him we're amicable but just to set the scene as i've been living alone since split with my son's dad in 2020. This isn't about him. We're amicable,

but just to set the scene as I've been living alone since then with my son. In 2022, I matched with a guy on Bumble. He worked for the emergency services as did I. And when we met, we hit it off straight away. The love bombing started early and I can honestly say he's the most unhinged man I've ever been with. Wow. He told me he wouldn't play third wheel to my son. Bah. Bah, Felicia. What?

Yeah, you'd be gone. He was so up and down and he would snap at the slightest thing and storm out of the house. His dad is a semi-famous author, up his own arse, and they had a toxic relationship that seeped into ours to the point he made me send his dad a message and basically justify the fact I would never rely on him financially. Bloody hell. Wow. His dad threatened to cut him off financially if he continued a relationship with me. I mean, it sounds toxic anyway, so daddy issue.

My daddy. with me. I mean, it sounds toxic anyway. So daddy issue. I didn't realize at the time, but he was suspended from his job as a police officer. So I had hardly any income. I ended up paying for most things. But the biggest red flags were in regards to the things he had said about his ex. He called her Voldemort. Thank God he Made horrible comments about her. Of course, says she ruined his life and was crazy. Sorry, I always think that's a red flag when they talk about their ex and call them crazy. Yeah. What did you do, hon, to make her crazy?

Yeah. She stole all his money. Her family were awful, etc. He told me about a time he threw their dog down the stairs because it pissed him off for some reason. And threw him in the river as a joke. Oh! RSPCA, where you at?

Oh my God, no, seriously, that's abuse. Obviously. Because it pissed him off for some reason and threw him in the river as a joke when he was alone with the dog. I never engaged when he said these things but the flags were tossing up i mean not gonna lie if i was with someone and i found out they abused an animal i'd have to leave yeah i love animals a lot right let's see where this is going he was the kind of man that gaslighted me into a total shell of who i was within four months

i thought it was me i thought i was going crazy i honestly thought i was the kind of man that gaslighted me into a total shell of who I was within four months. I thought it was me. I thought I was going crazy. I honestly thought I was the problem. He had an insane jealousy over my child who had just turned three at the time. But is that not like the signal of a man who's so insecure in himself that he feels like threatened by a three-year-old child? Yeah. And also, I think like any reasonable any reasonable man will understand, like, a child is the love of your life.

Like, literally, like, they will always come first to me. Right. Sorry. He was annoyed I wouldn't move in with him. He was also following very, very young girls on social media. He's literally a walking, talking red flag. After the comments about my son, I ended it with him, but I was really upset and thought I was crazy. So I did a mad thing and sent his ex a message on Facebook,

just explaining who I was and how desperate I was to know I wasn't the crazy one. She had a feeling. She had a feeling. She replied almost immediately. She knew who I was as they still had mutual friends. She said she had thought about sending me a message to warn me so many times. We chatted all night exchanging stories and it was hilarious how he told us both the same things, took us to all the same places. We laughed about how we had to remind a grown man to brush his teeth. Oh, ick. That's actually disgusting, isn't it?

Oh, furry teeth. Oh, and so it means like probably when he's not with you that he's not brushing them. She still has the dog and was horrified with our ex for hurting him. Absolutely. They also haven't been together long but had moved in together after a couple of months and he ended up kicking her out in the rain and locking the door. Sorry, he sounds sadistic.

Sounds like a psychopath. She never went back. I'm scared. She said she met him and matched with him on Bumble. Can you please let me know who he is so I don't match with him? Maybe we should make a group where everyone puts all their red flags

so Tash can navigate the world of dating better. Thank you. Thank you very much. And I could just laugh. I'm not quite actually. She asked me if I wanted to go for a drink and I accepted. It was really scary because I didn't know who she was at the end of the day, but I needed answers. My son's dad actually dropped me in town that day

and said to call him if I'd been catfished he sounds like another sex fast forward nearly two years and we are best friends i have a key to her house we go out all the time she is my go-to girl who i can count on for anything because we are petty as fuck on the night we met we posted a photo to facebook because we knew his dad would see it i love that following this our ex sent her a message telling her i was crazy obviously oh she is my person we we are the exact same and i and although i probably wouldn't recommend contacting your ex's ex it does go to show that 99 of the time if they're calling them crazy they're going to be calling you crazy when in fact they're the ones with the issues sorry if this is long keep up the good work and the podcast i

absolutely love it that's so nice and what a fucking psychotic weirdo it does it is so it's so true what she said though like i feel like the kinds of people that call you a psycho like called their ex a psycho like no i do, I do think it is a big red flag when someone speaks really badly of their ex right at the beginning before you're really getting to know each other and finding out the stories. Do you know what I mean?

Okay, this one is called Please Help Me, Girls. Are we ready? Ready and waiting. Okay, hi, girls. I hope you're well. I'm new to the podcast, but I have been binge-watching all your episodes over the past couple of days on YouTube. Yes, guys. I hope you're well. I'm new to the podcast, but I have been binge watching all your episodes over the past couple of days on YouTube.

Yes, girl. I love that. I'm always looking for something a bit more relatable and real, and I've definitely found it with you two. Keep doing what you're doing. Okay. So, I'm looking for some advice or something to help ease my pain. I'm not sure what I want to hear, but I don't have anyone else I can turn to, and I'm carrying

this on my own. I'm a single mom and have been hear but I don't have anyone else I can turn to and I'm carrying this on my own. I'm a single mum and have been for over four and a half years. My sons are my whole world. I split with their father back in 2019 after suffering nine years of domestic violence. He no longer has contact so it's just us three and they rely solely on me for everything. Must be so hard. Yeah, honestly. Like, hats off to you.

I mean, I know that you have no choice, but just like... Yeah, because you know you're doing an amazing job. Fast forward to 2021, I met my current partner. I was quite happy on my own. I didn't feel like I needed a man, but our connection was incredible from the off and we fell for each other. We've had an amazing few years, grew together,

travelled and loved so hard. He's made me feel things i never ever felt before we have faced our struggles but overcame them together and all the rest of it fast forward to january 2024 and his ex the mother to his child made a move on him behind my back and he kept this to himself for almost a week my intuition told me something wasn't right so we sat and talked and it all came out upon having that conversation he also told me he wanted the best for his child and that he was leaving to give their relationship another chance for his child's sake this is like my biggest fear in life he is an amazing dad may i add and he'd do anything for his child obviously i was completely shocked and heartbroken but at the same time i wasn't going to beg him to stay good for you girl i told him leaving would be a big mistake because

there's a reason things haven't worked out previously and making this decision has a monumental impact on everyone, including my child and his child, and that kind of damage can't just be undone. He left on the Sunday, cut all contact with me instantly, removed me from his location, basically forgot I existed.

Oh, that makes me feel ill. Five days later, he messaged me, tells me everything I want to hear, that he's made a mistake, we need to talk, fresh start, blah, blah, blah. I literally felt so relieved. We've always had this crazy connection. So after a few messages to and from, I agreed he could come and see me when my children were in bed asleep.

He arrived. Instantly, we just clicked, ended up ripping each other's clothes off and sleeping together. This is probably, in fact, it is one of the most passionate He arrived. Instantly we just clicked, ended up ripping each other's clothes off and sleeping together. This is probably, in fact it is, one of the most passionate and soul-connecting experiences I've ever had in my adult life, all with him. I can't put it into words. However, I had a few questions as to his disappearance, if we were going to go any further and sort things out. It turns out giving their child a better life meant falling into each other's arms two days after leaving his three-year relationship with me.

I feel so disrespected that, one, the mother of his child made moves on a man knowing we're together. We're together. Yeah. Two, that he could condone sleeping with another woman two days after leaving. The love of his life.

Yeah. I couldn't function, let alone do that. I feel so disgusted and disrespected. In fact, I feel violated. Had I known this information before he came to talk, I would never have welcomed him in the same arms. I took some time out after him telling me this and he literally was at my beck and call

trying to make things right, apologising, explaining everything I asked to help me understand the situation I still don't understand fast forward to Valentine's Day he walks in with the most beautiful bunch of flowers from him and a bag of goodies from my children on that day he asked me to give him another chance and I said yes but I felt like I'm making a mistake I feel so insecure in myself now because a man I loved so wholeheartedly gave my entire being to has had to test the water with another woman to clarify I'm the woman he really wants. I feel like we're acting as though nothing has happened but I feel so damaged and it's seriously triggered past trauma. I can't speak about it to my partner because I don't want

to ruin a good mood or add to a bad day.'m completely at a loss I feel like I've lost myself I literally feel as though I'm watching my sparkle disappear I love him so so much and although I know he didn't cheat he still disrespected me massively and made some very selfish decisions what should I do I love you girls please help me crying emoji I completely understand how you feel in terms of like that would make me feel violated it but it is violated it is violating it's disgusting i think for me look people are all different i personally couldn't be with someone if i'd known they'd slept with someone the thing is you know how she was like, he didn't cheat, but I just feel like it's like he gave himself a little hall pass.

Like, hold on, babe. I'm going to make out this is about my child because my ex has kind of made a bit of a move on me. I don't want to lie about it, so I'm just going to tell you about it and then hope you take me back also not we used to say that you won't do that again yeah like not to be disrespectful like i would only ever want to be with someone now who could not even be and that's the hard thing i think when you're you become a single parent and then um you're dating a single parent like it's natural to feel like god God, what if they wanted to go back

and try and make their family unit where I would need to be with someone who absolutely 100%, no matter if someone made a move on them, no matter what, they 100% would not go there. That's disrespectful. I want to be number one choice for someone. I don't want to be an option. that's disrespectful I want to be number one choice for someone I don't want to be an option I don't want to be the next best thing to my family unit working and I just think I personally think it was a full-on lame excuse I think that he saw a bit of attention wanted to take it thought he better be open with it I don't think he was ever planning on leaving yet i don't know i just feel like i've been to that way i think he he thought this family unit would work he's gone back he slept with her but he's realized what you had and look i think he's made a mistake i think he's made a mistake

but i say that i still wouldn't take him back because some mistakes are too fucking stupid yeah i feel like i it sounds like he's really ruined such a good thing there and you get it back anyway like you're always gonna have doubts in your mind like you don't you don't want to be living the rest of your life on edge like if i take him back well he's done it to me once could he literally just up and leave again like break my kids hearts as well it's not again it's when it's not just about when kids are involved it's not just about you it's about the kids as well it's not fair to put yourself in position i think it's so important for you to feel safe and secure and right now you have every reason not to and at the end of the day you've got to protect yourself and your kids.

I just don't understand how anyone can have that sort of mentality to be able to go and sleep with someone two days after they've walked out on the love of their life. Because we're not dickheads. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me, yeah.

I would be devastated if that happened to me. And I know that it takes a lot of strength, a lot. But you've emailed asking for our opinion. I think we're both on the same page here. Like, I think that it's the start of the end if you stay with him. I think that things will only get worse. I think that, like you said, you're losing your spark. You don't have that trust you feel

violated you feel like it's triggered you with past trauma and all of that is completely valid oh completely i think you also need to remind yourself how you were okay without him before so you're going to be okay after him and you deserve to find someone who's going to treat you with respect and be silly. I actually think it's quite telling that the sex that you had with him was the most amazing passionate sex you've ever

had after he had it with someone else a few days beforehand. Why? I'm not a fan. No. Put them in the bin yeah sorry my love it's shit yeah it is shit but

yeah that would be our advice I think that's also one of the reasons why I've always been so adamant that I wanted to be with someone without children I understand because I'm for me that's that my it is a downfall of mine and I am quite a overthinking jealous person I wouldn't like that permanent ex to be around but then I know that there's so many

pros like we've discussed before about being with someone with children and I guess that's just the slight con but as long as you're with the right person that constantly gives you that reassurance and you know makes you feel like the most important woman in their life i completely resonate with the worries like i'm in that situation where my ex has an ex-wife has an ex-wife yeah and like i i would be lying if i sat here and said like that hasn't concerned me but like one thing if i'm ever like worrying about anything like that like he literally can't do enough to reassure me like like I said to him like I need to know that no like if she wanted you back or this or that and he's always reassured me but I can't I can't lie like that is always a worry

because I feel like I think it's normal as well like in my head I'm like but there's the one thing I know in the world that i can't give him is i'm not the mother to his children um but then he he always tells me to like flip it on it on its head and be like you wouldn't want to be with the father of your would you ever go back and yeah your ex-husband the answer is absolutely not like not a chance in the world he's like so you need to understand that that's the way i feel and when I start looking at it like that that makes a lot more sense like there is there are no circumstances that would ever present itself where I would go about that so he's like well you need to remember it's the same for me and then I'm like that is a much more logical way because I'm like you I'm an overthinker.

I think it's just sad that you've said like you feel like you can't talk about this with your partner and I think that's also, it speaks volumes because with something that's concerning you and worrying you so much, if you can't share that with the person that you're with then why are you with him? Right, guys. We thought we'd do one last email

and we're going to end this on 2024, the year of the girl boss. Oh, yeah. We love this energy, guys. Okay. Hi, ladies. Apologies. This is a long one i swear

everyone writes in and says that but we read them all so keep writing them in firstly your podcast gives me life as a single mom of a two-year-old for just over a year now i can truly listen to your podcast without having a breakdown and now fist pump in the air due to the understanding and knowing that others are tackling this battle when i'm not alone how nice is that it's true it feels so great to write this down as part of my healing journey i've been doing things for others are tackling this battle when I'm not alone. How nice is that? It's true. It feels so great to write this down as part of my healing journey. I've been doing things for myself. However, I am yet to type up exactly the version of events that 2023 bought me.

January 1st, 2023, my life got thrown upside down. Wow, what a way to start a year. Versa Jane. On this day, I received a call from a girl who had been having a two-year relationship. The ex stated a few months when confronted. Obviously.

With my partner of 8.5 years. It's like 25%. Perhaps. Not quite accurate, but around. Telling me they were going to be together and she was the reason he was convincing me to sell our home which we purchased a few days before i gave birth bear in mind my son at this time was only one and we completed on our home three days before i gave birth myself and the girl spent 30 minutes on the phone with her explaining everything and me crying

and in huge shock she was bragging about how they spent certain times together weekends etc when i used to beg my partner to spend time with me and our son she sounds like a delight i don't get that why'd you call her bragging about it can't wait for you to become embarrassing yeah whilst on the phone to her there was knocking on the door in the background. She then proceeded to tell me that the person who was at the door was my partner. She had told him she was telling me about their relationship. And his first reaction was to go to her home, whether to stop her or to comfort her. So instead of going to his partner, he went to her.

I will never know. And to be honest, at this point, I don't care. Shows what healing really does. Whilst on the phone she flaunted how he was there and wouldn't leave. She honestly sounds like an absolute fucking slut bag. Bitch.

Hours passed and he went on to return to our home to tell me he was going to take some time. I never told him to leave. I just said please give me some space. Weeks passed and he decided it was best to not come back to our home. Our relationship was fully over and I couldn't live with the liar anyway. At the time, as a mum of a one-year-old who works four days a week with a small side hustle business, I had a lot on my plate. Anyway, a couple of months on, he then

decides to introduce this girl to our son, which i asked to please be patient as i'm not comfortable with this he declined it really annoys me stuff like this i'm sorry things like this really annoy me because i always think in situations where you're not with your child's dad your kids should be at the forefront of every decision you make. I'm 10 months down the line and we still haven't done that because we are trying to put the kids fair. And it just pisses me off. I think to me it's more the fact that he did the wrongdoing.

He's left. And he's still just thinking about himself. But it just shows the kind of person he is. Yeah. Anyway. By the way, just throwing it out there, he is a controlling individual

and well, you know, these types of characters. The new girl is also the same, sadly. She told me that she didn't know about me when she initially rang me

to give me the details of the relationship. But, why call someone you didn't know about to explain? Pretty stupid comment on her behalf.

That makes it absolutely no sense. Oh, and guess what? The stereotype. She works with him. Another one. Another one. And another one. I also forgot to mention he cheated on me whilst I was about five to six months pregnant.

One of my closest girls caught him. I thought she was going to say with one of her closest girls. And she gave him the opportunity to tell me for months and he didn't. When I did find out at this point I was heavily pregnant, so I forgave him and thought we can try and move on. It was just a kiss. When I found out, he cried, wanted forgiveness, and that I did. I feel a bit of a mug now, but that's a life's lesson.

Don't. Recently, I've just found out via an Instagram message, not him or her, that they are expecting a baby. Time has passed, posted all over social media, and the father of my son is yet to inform me. I mean, what the actual fuck? Oh my God, what is wrong with these people? Mortified.

However, a year on, and in the last few months, I can now say that life is close to perfect for me well we did sell our home and now he lives in someone else's home her home which happened pretty swiftly whilst recently i've just purchased a flat on my own yes guys girl i have never felt like such a boss bitch in my life and it has shown me that life doesn't end if you lose someone who you thought was your person i've been dating the most incredible man who treats me how i have always wanted and i do believe that you learn so much by going through these experience a hundred percent agree i do preach about not needing anyone as i have my son family friends and now my new home

however to have someone who adds to your life is a bonus. I just wanted to write this down to show that time really is a healer and girls are bosses. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Don't ignore your guts. I love that. I love that. I found someone, you've got your place on your own.

Like, I said, I'm focused on you and like stopped focusing on them. Like, they sound like a mess to be honest. Yeah. focused on you and like stopped focusing on them like they sound like a mess to be honest yeah like it's it's so hard in those situations when god like your life gets turned upside down and that's all you've known for so long and then to discover it's not as it seems yeah what you thought and then having to adapt to that but it honestly like hopefully for those and we do get people all the time who are in those early days of it who are like i can't see any light like it's stories like this that should be your hope that should be your fucking yeah like your person is out there that's what you want so people don't want a person and that's also okay so and she got in a good place before she found a person which is yeah exactly how it should

be so yeah when you're giving yeah that's it when you're giving out a certain energy you attract the right energy into your life that's what i believe anyway absolutely same frequency your little confession of the week hey this week's confession i caught caught my husband cheating. I didn't know what else to do. So I found all of his clothes in a drawer and I cut tiny little holes into them. He found them and asked me if I had gone to town on his clothes with the scissors. I claimed there must have been a moth problem. Those pesky little fucking moths. Love that.

Love that. Love that. Right. Affirmation. Affirmation of the week. Affirmation of the week. Even when times may feel really hard. The only way of that. It's just that things can only get better.

Things can only get better. And things will. Things will get better. Things will get better. Thank you so much for listening guys we absolutely love having your stories

all written into us that is so nice to have such different like ends like things where there's light at the end we like funny stories

and bits like that so keep writing in that's what keeps our podcast going and please don't forget to like, share, subscribe follow and everything in between

thank you guys we'll see you next week bye