Not As We Planned - 44. What's That Around Your Ankle?

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

When you realise you’ve been dating a criminal, trying to catch your sister cheating on her husband and turning lesbian when you’re sick of men! Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode. Hope everyone is good. Should we have a little week without you? I have not spoken to you. We haven't.

I'm sorry, where have you been do you ever get those weeks where you're just like I like not to be dramatic but I I just feel like

I've been surviving day to day I've had a really overwhelming week I'm how are we is has it been a full moon or something

I don't know fuck knows all this retrograde shit i ain't got a clue what's going on i don't know i am firstly i just never feel like i have enough minutes in the day i tell you um i've been away for the weekend again um another spa weekend i know don't feel sorry for me and it it was amazing. You're finding it out. God, yeah, it's so hard, Carly. But no, on a serious note. Surviving day to day at the spa.

There's obviously some things I can't speak about, don't believe it's right to speak about. But yeah, just I had some difficult situation over the course of the end of last week and trying to know what to say and what I probably should hold back on but I guess I've just had one of those weeks where I'm finding splitting my kids and co-parenting really challenging and I've I've actually been quite proud of myself of initially with this situation I didn't necessarily bite my tongue.

But when I took a step back, I've handled it a lot better since. And I don't know, it's just I kind of reached a point where I just, I was so over it. I'm so over there always being some kind of drama or disagreement. Like, I'm very much at the stage where it's been well over a year now and I have moved on and actually, as much as sometimes I do still hate him because of the things he does, it's not so much the stuff that's been and gone now. Yeah, it's more what he's doing.

Yeah, and I kind of just wish we could get to a point where, it was when I was writing our quote for this week and it was about like the hardest thing I've ever done is to forgive someone who wasn't sorry and accept apology I never got. And I kind of sat there and was thinking, you need to actually just forgive him now and you're never going to get what you want to get. And I think, I don't know.

It's funny you say that because you probably won't remember this, but I probably said what you just said in our episode two or three. Yeah. But I was just in there saying like, it takes a lot for someone to forgive someone that's not sorry. And that's where I was. And I think from that moment moving forward, that's when I really managed to let go and really fully heal because I knew that I wasn't ever going to get that apology. I think that's where I'm at now.

And I think, I don't know, not that I've ever thought an apology or whatever was coming. I don't know. I think I'd always hoped that there might be a light bulb moment for him or yeah so I'd do something and I just I don't know I'm very much at the point now I think where I'm in a good place in myself and I'm very sure of the things I want and like I've I've moved on

so much from him like I have zero feelings towards the man, which is crazy when you think you're married to someone. But I just wish we could both get to a point now where it's actually just nice that we both, we didn't make each other happy. I think you've got to recognize that. And like I've always said, where you've got to kind of work with what you've got,

you need to both want that. I agree agree and I can't say to anyone else but yeah so I found this week quite difficult and I've been up and down I'm not gonna lie and I'm struggling a little bit with my anxiety at the moment and I find I've had quite a few high anxiety days and sometimes I can't even explain why I'm having them I will wake up and it literally feels like my heart wants to jump out my chest the whole day and I've been trying this like these different breathing techniques I've learned to help and they help like in the moment and I feel like I can um like delay them a bit and it be like a temporary thing I don't know one of my friends has actually recommended a couple of products to me

which I think I'm going to buy this week and she said it massively helps her anxiety. Let me find what they are actually. Ashwanda. Sorry, isn't that weird? Okay, well we need to get it then. Yeah. I already ordered it.

Okay. So on the site type Ashwanda. TikTok apparently. Okay. And the other thing was... Is it actually named? No. Is Clean Lion's Mane.

I'm guessing it's not part of a lion. Yeah. It says 40% polysaccharide. So yeah, I thought I'd share that. That's from one of my friends who suffers with anxiety. And she said, like, she's no... One of my guys didn't tell me about it. And she said, honestly, since she's taken it, it said like she's no wonder my guy didn't tell me about it and she said

honestly since she's taken it it's like she just goes I think they're all like natural things they're not like medicinal

no yeah that ash could be yeah it's like so yeah so I'm gonna try it do you know the weird

thing for me it's gonna be funny next week we're both gonna be on it we're gonna be like hey guys welcome to the yeah man peace and love.

Just forgive us again. Live on, rock on. No, but I think the thing I struggle with is I have never suffered with anxiety or anything like that. I've always been a very carefree happy positive person and it actually makes me really sad that I feel like I've lost a bit of that like I literally used to be the most like I never suffered with anything like that and part of me I think that's why I want to get it under control so much because I refuse to let like I was sitting thinking the other day like

I don't want being a single parent or going through a divorce to define who I am it's absolutely not who I am it's just part of my story and I think sometimes I do let it define me and you know we all have days where it's you feel sorry for yourself whatever it is and on the whole I'm not like that but yeah I don't know I've just it's one of those weeks I've just had one of those weeks and to be fair my kids have been amazing this week like the more and more I don't know they're just they they just love me so much at the moment I know that's really silly but I feel like I really am noticing when they're coming back they're so well behaved for me they want to help me like

last night and this is another thing I thought I'd talk about sorry I'm this is a really long catch-up but I feel like it's so good perhaps full but on my Instagram when everything happened I shared a very honest journey that um when I was going through grief I lost a lot of weight I wasn't eating and I did get to a point where I was unhealthy and I'm not gonna lie like I have struggled to get back to where I was I've struggled to have healthy relationships with food I feel like I don't eat proper meals I just snuck here and there and it was actually when I was filming an ad something on Instagram the other day and I caught a glimpse of myself and I just got really upset because I've always been like an advocate for health and whilst I get some people like Polly your body is amazing like it's not a

hell I've not that's not been achieved in a healthy way which is where sometimes like in my job of being a PT I feel a bit fraudulent because I don't want anyone to look at me and aspire to be like me at the moment because that's not been done in a healthy way and I'd much rather be healthy than look skinny or whatever it is so I had a really honest conversation with my boyfriend in the car and I've I've I don't speak to people about stuff like that like I keep things in and I cope with them on my own and that's kind of what I did majority of my marriage and I said to him I don't really know how to say this but I think I need some help in terms of eating like I don't know what to do I

don't know how to reach out and he was so amazing with me like literally I said it's nothing to do with me being scared of putting on weight it's not that at all I feel like as a single parent with two kids who are so young who don't necessarily eat the same foods as me and juggling my own business and everything else in a house I am bottom of my priority list and I often feel like as a result I skip dinner I skip lunch in my head I'm like out of time you've got this work to do you've got this to do that comes above that and I've got I'm so low in energy I feel like it's affected my mood and I don't know I think I think it's good that I've accepted it's happening and that's what he said to me he said it's a really good thing

that you're recognising it and you're speaking about it and he's been really sweet like we went through my Tesco order and we ordered some things he's like right this is what you're going to do

this week we're going to do it one meal at a time like focus on dinner this week going to get some mints you're going to make a big bolognese and that's going to last you

two to three nights and I feel so much and he's like you know you can have the accountability to me like I'm going to last you two to three nights. And I feel so much. And he's like, you know, you can have the accountability to me. I'm going to ask you to send me a picture of your food every evening or whatever it is. And then he was like, have you tried cooking with the kids? And to be honest, I haven't because they're so young. And I've never really considered it.

So last night we all stood and we cooked a bolognese together. And it was so nice. And we all sat down we cooked um bolognese together and it was so nice and we all sat down and ate dinner together and i ate dinner and yeah i mean it was it was really positive and yeah just wanted to share for anyone else who like struggles and who is a single parent and feels like they're always at the bottom and actually by us neglecting ourselves and not filling up our cups and looking after us. I feel like I can't even look after myself in the moment. I'm so focused on pouring into my kids,

pouring into making sure money's coming in, but actually looking after me is at the bottom. But really, if I actually pour some more into me, I can give more to all of those things as well. So yeah, that's a bit of a honest catch-up catch-up what about you um do you know what it's interesting because I feel like I I do feel like I have turned a bit of a corner but then on reflection and I know I said this to you earlier like I think it's actually quite interesting in the last few months obviously

I'm on my own sort of like healing journey with a breakup and it's quite interesting to kind of like look back at the episodes and it really does show that like healing isn't linear like one week I'll be really good and I remember it was maybe like a month and a half ago now where you were like, you've got a real glow about you. And I was like, yeah, I'm feeling really good. And then I reckon like two weeks after that, I was really low. And I think it just really shows you in real time that going through a breakup is up and down.

And right now I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm also very aware that that may not be consistent or continue but I don't know I just feel like I'm maybe at a stage in my healing journey where I'm actually really now finally doing the work I think before it was a bit of like masking distracting yeah maybe I was good because I was I just wasn't doing the right things to really was like ignoring yeah a feeling yeah keeping myself really busy I don't know I just feel like right now I'm genuinely like trying to accept the situation and taking accountability that I am the only person that can make myself feel better and I also do feel like when I separated from my ex-husband and I was on my own for a few months before I went back onto the dating scene. Once I went on, and at that point before I went on the dating scene,

I had definitely healed from what he had done to me and accepted it. And I was very close to kind of getting over him. But once I started dating, I felt ready to kind of, ready enough to put myself out there that I wasn't carrying like anger and resentment about something and just doing it to distract myself. However,

once I started dating, it sort of, I don't want to say it in a way where I'm like, oh, I'm just so amazing that like guys just falling at my feet. But for some reason, when I started dating at that point it came really easily to me I don't know I feel I just feel slightly empowered now that for the first time I'm actually doing the right thing yeah on my own yeah so that's where I am right now like I'm still very much like not looking at I'm on a man band I'm so uninterested like I'm really just pouring into myself the best thing to do so that's where I am right now and like who knows if that's going to change in a few weeks but for now we good so yeah that's me love that should we get cracking with some email I always had loads of emails

right guys we're doing this one because it's called criminal record oh we love a bit of a criminal record but we don't yeah I love a juicy story yes it record well we don't I love a juicy story yes is what I meant hi girls love the podcast I stumbled upon it last year

after splitting with my husband first of all my friends are not having anyone I could talk to who would understand it helped me so much

it was like therapy to me I love hearing this guys and we want to reach more people so like I'm going to just say it now

whilst we're just about to get stuck in please share on your instagram if you listen to us take a screenshot of it or take a picture like someone sent a picture to me this morning of them in their car like in their car radio like we want to see it we want you to share it we want you to review going why are you not reviewing us when you love us so much like you know what it's not only that i think it she's gone and said that like she felt really lonely she had no one going through it if you share it you might help just one person find that like place where they don't 100 yeah we hear the same share the love guys shut up sharing's caring so split up with my husband last year by september i thought let's give dating a go

I know that sounds quick but the split has been pending for months and I was ready to hopefully spend some time with someone like Joe what as well on the dating thing like me and my boyfriend were talking about it and we dated quite early we matched quite early and I think from the outset we've always said we don't think either of us were really ready to date and i and i still hold that we weren't i would i had i look back now and i'm like wow you were so broken and we have genuinely helped each other in ways that that we would never have and you know still a year on there's still bits we're trying to work on so i don't think there's ever a set amount of time you have to wait you just gotta roll with it like at the end of the day, you're only going to know by trying.

Matched with a guy on Bumble. He was tall, 6'4", tattooed and cool. Do you know what that does remind me of? I'm looking for a guy in Sinai. Trust Fund. Blue Eyes. No? You don't know that song?

Are you joking? I'm looking for a guy in Sinai. I definitely would. Trust Fund. 6'5", Blue Eyes. I definitely would. Six five. Six five. Blue eyes. Right? Okay, never mind.

I definitely wouldn't go for a guy in finance. No, neither. Boring. I'm joking. Anywho, the opposite of my husband. Was he short? Plain and not cool. He was a teacher, so I thought, okay, must be reputable.

Met for a first date and I had to go to him as his car was in the garage. He didn't drink, as said he was off it as he used to drink too much. Sorry, it's a bit of a red flag for me already. I'm going to be on it. Yeah. I don't mind if someone doesn't drink, if they don't like getting drunk or it's just something that they don't like dabbling with. But to me, that's like, are you, you know, yeah.

And again, each their own. Some people don't mind it. Some people stay in recovery for 50 plus years. I personally, from staff, wouldn't go with someone with addiction. First date went well and ended up with a little smooch and he invited me to his house for the second date and to be honest, the sexual tension was palpable. We ended up upstairs and it wasn't until his trousers were off

I discovered he was wearing... A tag! An electric tag! I love it! Oh my God! What's that around your ankle? Oh my God, do you know what? I feel like,

I'm trying to think, but I think it was like an Apple watch. She came with steps in her. It's on my dad. Oh my God. How can you not mention that? I don't think it's a teacher. He's got an electric tag around his ankle.

GDPR. No GDPR. What is it erm we keep oh I don't know you're the teacher you've got to have a check the background

oh yeah sorry it's the way that I probably would think it's for like your steps you would even know you'd be like

hit 10,000 today Joyce Anclot hit 10,000 so turns out this was a sobriety tag he couldn't drink and his car wasn't in the garage.

He's lost his license from drink driving. He has been banned from driving. Red flag, get out of there, girl. I had never heard of a sobriety tag before. I've never heard of it, actually. I was a bit shocked. I ended up seeing him. I'm a giggler okay

they are monitoring tags electronic ankle bracelets that detect alcohol consumption through the skin using transdermal methods

they monitor individuals convicted of alcohol related crimes by taking sweat samples every 30 minutes 24 hours a day did

I met okay do you think it would go off if he had like a bolognese with a bit of red wine in it? I don't know. That's how long it's been cooking for. So I had to Google the other day. What's the next rule? You don't get your kids drunk.

Yeah. I had to Google like how many minutes you have to cook for before it like burns a lot. I know. Imagine your kids like drunk. Oh my God, my man. Imagine your kids like drunk. Hey, how you doing, my man? Anyway, I had never heard of a sobriety tank before and was a bit shocked.

I ended up seeing him a third time. I said they fucked. You shouldn't say that. They just made love. Made love. All right, whatever. I ended up seeing him a third time when I went to his after a night out a bit tipsy, but woke up in the morning like, what the fuck am I doing? Made up an excuse and I left.

I eventually found out the truth. He had been caught drunk driving on a Saturday afternoon with his kids in the car. That actually makes me angry. Like you're risky. Yeah, but you're risky. I'm not saying he's an alcoholic, meaning it's justified. But I mean, like, if you're drunk with your kids in the car on a day afternoon, you have an alcohol problem.

Okay. Banned from drinking, was having required therapy and had to wear a tag. His ex was also taking him to court to change the custody agreement once his tag came off. Do not blame her. Sorry. He eventually ended up going off work sick when his head asked him if he had been drinking during the day at school.

Holy guacamole. Yeah. Good teacher. I'd be buzzing if I was at school and my teacher was drunk. I'd be like, yeah, remember that assignment you set us? Yeah, you said it wasn't actually due anymore? Now, you would think that's enough for one person, but wait. Matched with another guy two months later on Tinder.

Stop it. Handsome. Good job. Apparently nice house. He sent me photos of some decorating he had done and we clicked. Well, turns out this guy had been to prison. Not once, but twice. Fucks.

For gambling with other people's money. To other women's money. You're going to be lucky number three. Apparently he was never in a relationship with either woman, but they lent him money. Thousands and thousands of pounds. If you Google his name, an article comes up and it's not pretty reading. Has she put his name? No. What the

fuck? Hello? Attach it to this email please. Can you imagine if it's... Anne! Right. It's not pretty

reading. To make matters worse, he didn't have his own house, as he told me. He still lived with his ex, even though they had apparently been split up for nearly two years. So he was sending her decorations for his ex. So great. Just bragging about this house that's not actually mine. When I caught him out, he said he slept on the living room floor and only stayed as he couldn't afford to move out

and for the sake of the kids. He worked shifts, so who knows what the truth is. He could easily have just been seeing me behind her back, even though he talked about us getting married. After all that, I did actually end up meeting the most wonderful man on tinder and we had the most incredible first date and then since then it's been four months of pure wonderfulness he is a genuinely wonderful man and makes me the happiest i've ever been and definitely has no criminal records yeah skeletons in this one's closet so

so closed i guess sometimes you do have to kiss some frogs to find your prince. Yes, love that. Thank you so much. Oh, okay, this stood out. Are you ready? I'm ready. This is called My Sister, the Side Chick,

Other Woman, the Cheat, Forgiveness? So her sister loved this a lot to register in a title. Okay, are we ready? Hey girls, I'm really hoping this gets out there as I'm desperate for help or advice. It's a long one. We're here. Strap up. Buckle in.

So context. My sister had been happily in a relationship for five years to someone who was a family friend. We fell pregnant at the same time and we had our boys. All seemed well. She supported me through a rocky patch of postnatal depression and nearly breaking up we didn't have the best relationship but the last five years at least she was my rock rewind to last year she was spending a bit of personal time with a colleague i would joke that something's going on and it was weird she was going round for dinner

or cups of tea leaving her little boy and fella at home. She got defensive. There were a few hiccups in her relationship we spoke about, but nothing to the extent that would lead me to believe she was so unhappy. I don't actually think she was the... I thought she meant that her sister was the cheater in her relationship. I think she's just saying that her sister's cheating. Yeah. Anyway.

September came and she decides to end her relationship. Yeah. Anyway. I trusted her. She was in the process of moving out and I decided to follow her at 5am one morning when she was going to watch the sunrise and take some photos of it at a nearby marina. Why was she a photographer? Why was she a photographer? I was determined I was right and what she was doing was so wrong. Alongside the feeling of her lying, I wanted to get facts.

I lost her car I was following and so went up and parked at the marina whilst waiting for her to turn up. I sat and felt so guilty that I was doing this and betraying her trust so I left before I had a chance. It's been rocky ever since trying to put aside the fact that I don't believe her to help her move out and support her without the evidence I have no leg to stand on but the feeling of being lied to is just too hard to handle. I've tried to explain lied to is just too hard to handle. I've tried to explain this to her in ways that doesn't make her sound like their instigator to try and understand but to no avail. Our whole relationship has been broken because of this. I've reached out she's had an issue then she's not spoken about for months she's reached

out and I've not taken the olive branch. There's a lot more to unpack and what's probably important to know is that her ex-partner baby baby daddy, is still a really good friend and has continued a friendship with us and my wider family. We still see my nephew through him etc and all of that is fine but I understand she has an issue with that. Lastly, three weeks after actually moving out she had this work colleague stay over. It confirmed all I needed to know and so moving forward it's been incredibly difficult I can't move past it not just what she did but the way that she lied to me about it too please help how can I move forward and repair our relationship a few things about that I feel like looking at it from one angle first, like she is a grown adult and she is entitled to do whatever she wants.

And I'm trying to think if it was my sister. I don't know if I would necessarily like ruin the relationship I've got with her because of something that she has or hasn't done. Because you're not in charge of what someone else does. I think for me it would probably be more the lying yeah um but i would almost the thing is you're wanting to find out if she's lying so you can go guns blazing and be like i can't believe what you're doing but i would probably be more of the sort of person that would be like i want you to know that you can trust me if you're doing something wrong that's why you're lying but at the end end of the day, I'm not here to judge.

I don't think it's like your place to judge someone on what they're doing as long as they're not lying to you. I could be wrong. I understand because she's close with the father of the child. If the father and his family, I think, yeah, I'm trying to think if it was one of my sisters. Firstly, I think the fact she's not like come out right and said it. I think she's obviously embarrassed.

I don't think it's embarrassment. She knows she's going wrong. So I think, I think similar to you, I wouldn't necessarily let that be the breakdown of our relationship. But I would express like it makes me feel uncomfortable I think you've done something that perhaps isn't right I think I would

be more offended about the line the way you line to me however by the sounds of your email I think your sister probably knows that if you knew the truth, that would probably be the end of the relationship anyway. But it doesn't sound like they've had the most stable or positive relationship anyway.

She said there's other things. Right. So I think it's a really difficult one. At the end of the day, maybe you do need to take a few steps back if you want to and i think well hold on did she say that she doesn't want to reach out an olive branch oh and i said hold on and you haven't taken the olive branch i think at the end of the day like i don't think it's for you to make judgment on what she's doing but if it bothers you that

much and makes you that uncomfortable that you don't feel like there's a relationship there then there's your answer it doesn't have to be no relationship it can just be stepping back a bit and it you know it might take a few months or a bit of time yeah to adjust and to um kind of i don't know recognize some things and let situations play out i don't think you need to cut all ties but i think there's ways of do you know what a lot of it i think is like being able to protect your own energy if you feel like your emotional energy is being drained from worrying about a situation that doesn't directly involve you sometimes it's not worth your while is it worth your energy so sometimes you do have to it's like but then i think you have to set your boundaries and hold your boundaries and be firm with that and be like you know what

worrying about what you're doing is actually draining so much from my emotional energy i think as humans we have a certain amount of emotional energy per day and if we're draining that out on things that don't directly relate to us or benefit us or impact us we're just wasting that it needs to be particularly if you've got your own children or your own relationships that's where that emotional energy should be going so sometimes it's about setting your boundaries holding those boundaries being like you know what look i don't want to completely break ties but i'm just going to step back for a bit let things things sort themselves out, and maybe we can revisit this when there's been a bit of time. It's like time, isn't it?

Time sometimes is not just a healer, but things... I feel like you trying to investigate and find out what she's doing and trying to catch her out, like, what's... That's also going to make her feel a certain way as well. Like, I don't know, it's quite toxic-y, like... Yeah, I mean mean I'd understand that more like trying to find out if like she's being cheated on but if she's doing it it's not your problem and in in the nicest possible way it's also not really your business

I think like concentrate more on your relationship your child and keep your side of the road clean and maybe let her know that you feel a bit uncomfortable with how it's happened and this is your opinion on it or what you believe has happened and then just draw a line there and just be simple. Yeah, simple. You don't have to like... Be better than me.

Okay, guys. Call red-handed with the same bedsheets nearly one year on. It's so going to be like a photo and the bed sheets are in it. I thought that. I don't know. Rude. Who has jazzy bed sheets? But I know all play.

Mine are white. Yeah. With a bit of fake tan. Right. Hi, Tash and Carly. Firstly, your podcast has helped me so much over the last year. So thank you. My partner of 12 years and husband for nine months of that randomly, out of the blue, started acting shady, staying out all night and let me know there

would be a lot of work trips coming up. Whilst I was on maternity leave with our six-month-old daughter and looking after our 10-year-old son. I didn't think too much of it as he has always liked to go out with his mates and thought I was always really flexible with him doing this. But things just felt different. One day he went out and stayed out all night. He hadn't been online on WhatsApp since 7pm the night before. I knew in my gut this was different as he was out with his mates who would be online until silly o'clock in the morning.

When he came home the next morning, I quizzed him and he got really angry with me. Next thing I know, he's packing a bag and telling me he isn't happy anymore and needs time to think about everything. Defensive. No, that's deflective. Deflective. This completely shook me. I was on maternity leave with our six-month-old daughter, looking after our 10-year-old son, and I thought we were in a good place given we'd just got married.

The next day, we had to attend our son's football presentation evening with all our friends. I had to play happy families pretending things were okay. My husband again was acting strangely like he needed to be somewhere. He dropped us back home and said he was going back to stay on his mate's sofa. I got home and something in me just knew something wasn't right. Gut instinct. Never ignore that guys. I asked him to send me a selfie to which he sent a very dark unclear picture like he had taken it on the sly the bedsheets looked very feminine to me hold on why oh bedsheets right because he was so he wanted she obviously wanted proof from him sorry i thought that he was like stay like on the, I thought he was just sent, like, he was out in the day, and he was in the... No, so she's like,

well, show me where you are. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I said to him, there must be someone else. You don't just leave your family. He maintained for four months that there was no one else, until I noticed a random girl, eight years younger than us, who lives locally, following him

on his TikTok. I quizzed him. He said she was just someone he was talking to. By talking, do you mean boning? After some digging, I found out that he had been living with this girl, but he maintained he just met her after leaving me. met her after leaving me. More months went on and I ended up being very unwell and had to stay in hospital for a week. It was at this point I found out they were actually in a serious relationship and living together and I had no choice but to allow the kids to meet this girl as he had to step up and look after them whilst I was unwell. We are now 10 months on and the kids go round to their dad's place with this other girl a couple of times a week. This past weekend I asked for a photo of my daughter and what was

in the background. The exact same bed sheet as the photo he took the selfie the night after he walked out. Months and months of being made to feel like I'm the one going crazy and I finally have the proof I needed to get some closure goes to show a woman's gut instinct is never wrong. Sorry for the long message but it has been an eventful few months but hoping I can now

finally be at peace and move on with my own life. Oh, her bed sheets sound gross. They're like... Oh, yeah. But do you know what? There is something very... Like, i'm happy you got that clarity yeah and that closure realizing there's nothing there's nothing more damaging than then being made to feel

like you are crazy that you're losing your mind yeah and then you get that clarification that you were right the whole time so i really hope that that you're I think she said 10 months on now I really hope you are in a better place I'm glad that we've been able to help and I hope you know that he's not worth your time like these guys are just and you know what anyone that's happy to do something like that to someone that they've loved it they're just not worth it and you deserve so much better so anymore yeah okay this one's called help am i being stupid probably no i'm joking no it's probably just making you feel stupid hi i discovered your podcast a couple of days ago and i'm now binge listening welcome whenever i get the chance you give great advice i love the stories that come through to yourselves maybe off topic so this may not be read out but would like your views and opinions

so my partner proposed to me not long before our baby was born to him marriage is really important as it is to his family too I said yes at the time it felt right but the more I think about it and the more it's brought up in conversation or we hear that someone else's it fills me with dread this may sound silly and petty of me but the fact that he's previously been married is bothering me way more now than it ever did it's not as if i didn't know before we got into relationships so i have no right or reason do i like for me taking your vows for the second time and the whole date event will surely bring up memories and naturally he compared ours to his first wedding no he treats me amazingly and i generally couldn't want or ask for anyone better which is why i feel like a bad person as

he's trying to do the right thing he's been called husband before and i'll be the new wife his mum has made comments before and always calls her his ex-wife which of course she is but i hate hearing it we had forms from the church he has to write all the details and name of the ex plus the date of previous marriage and we've had to speak about it over with a vicar as not all second marriages can be accepted in the church. I've had to sit there listening to it all. Maybe I'm overthinking and overreacting but I feel it's tarnishing the thought of it for me and I've tried to avoid the whole subject and he's noticing. I've briefly told him how I feel but he doesn't understand. I also found a save the date memo from the marriage in his belongings with his mum refusing to throw it away. As well as his wedding photo album in case he regrets it.

Just to add they have no children together and she was unfaithful and generally not a very nice person. He also speaks about his honeymoon location in conversation sometimes. and generally not a very nice person. He also speaks about his honeymoon location in conversation sometimes. Not as in why he went, but it infuriates me as I think he may be reminiscing about their time there together. He doesn't speak about her

and I know he's got no positive feelings about her. So do I need help from a doctor for my head? Oh bless, or is this kind of normal? Maybe I feel insecure since having baby number four and it's something I need to work out for myself. My feelings are valid, I know, but am I crazy? My ex, in brackets, for the first three children's dad, put me through domestic violence and cheated on me

throughout our 10-year relationship and my current partner would never do these things. I trust him wholeheartedly. Really don't want to lose him. Please help. Do you know what? I think as well well particularly knowing a bit of context about what you've gone through or even just having gone through a hard relationship before

you're gonna have insecurities and i think i i think a lot of this is your insecurities and your worries because of maybe how you not to be like I don't want you to take this the wrong way but like there sounds like a bit of a lack of self-worth like you're not worthy enough of his love or to be married to him and that I completely understand how you feel in terms of thinking he's been married before or he's been called a husband before but i think you need to remind yourself there's a reason they're not together anymore they're not together because well it sounds like a trust was broken but i don't believe someone would propose to you if they didn't genuinely love you and want to spend their life with you which is you know what i don't think it's it's that oh i can understand to a certain extent because i think that i've always had this idea in my head

that i would be better with someone that hasn't been that hadn't been married and didn't have kids because i do sometimes overthink and can get a bit jealous and i don't like the thought of that like permanent ex being around um but at the end of the day the way i think you also need to view it and i know that you can't because you've never been married i'm i'm an ex-wife i have been married and i cannot wait for the day that i get to meet someone and get to marry them and be their wife and i will never sit there and reminisce or think about my old relationship because there is a reason I'm not with him and I can't change that that has happened. But that doesn't mean that I'm not worthy of getting married again

and being someone else's wife. Just like your partner, as you said, he got cheated on. You can't almost hold him accountable for doing something that he did before he met you and it wasn't a bad thing it's not like we're talking about oh he used to you know be a drug dealer and you know he he just got married he fell in love he got married it didn't work out and now he wants you so I think that you need to try and maybe do some inner work and realize that like he wants this and you don't need to go to a doctor you don't need help in that respect but I think that you need to remind yourself that he can't help that he's got previous experiences

with someone else and look from someone who's in a situation my boyfriend is getting divorced as well he's been married to someone for a long period of time and sometimes I find that hard I find it hard that I will never be the mother of those children and they've always got that link and sometimes I get moments where I'm like oh god like like I don't know yeah like what if they reminisce about that and so I think the first thing I want to say is like I think it's quite normal I don't consider that I need to go to a doctor I think I had that my boyfriend's. I am a jealous person. But also, if I'm being honest, what I've gone through with my marriage breakdown, I know that I am insecure in some elements.

I know I'm insecure in terms of feeling like I'm enough for someone, feeling replaceable. And one of my biggest things, I know you said you feel bad talking to him about it, but I would carefully articulate how it's making you feel and not like in an accusatory way. Just, I would almost be like, I really don't know why it's affecting me so much, but it's making me feel this kind of way. And I think if he is an understanding person, he'll engage with you in that and want to understand. I know you said he doesn't, but sometimes like really.

Sometimes I don't need to understand it's more just understanding that's how you feel and like like say to him like you know I want to marry you I love you but I can't help but feel this kind of way like for me when I've been in situations or I'm I've said it before I'm an overthinker like sometimes I will literally create a whole scenario in my head and fully believe that's happened. So for me now, like I will openly say that to him and he'll give me that reassurance. Like he's like, you do know you've literally just made that all up in your head. But none of that is true. Yeah.

And also, do you know what? Someone who got married and is getting a divorce. who got married and is getting a divorce when i if i when i marry someone again for me that actually means even more because i think when you go through a divorce and you know how dear and you're actually willing to want to do it again you have to have faith that that is gonna last forever because you would not go through that a second time being like oh that's easy i can just get divorced like for me if i was to ever marry someone again like that i mean that's even more of a big deal it's an even bigger deal than my first marriage because i know i know the risks more because i've lived through them i know how difficult it is to go through a

divorce i know how mentally draining financially difficult it is to go through a divorce. I know how mentally draining, financially difficult it is. I would never put myself in a situation and say yes to someone or marry someone who I didn't think I would be spending the rest of my life with. Do you know what? Maybe it's actually changing your mindset and thinking, do you know what? I might be the second, but... I'm the last.

Yeah, but not only I'm the last, but he's willing to go through it again for you even like oh and as well like you remember as well he got cheated on he's i agree he's the one that got hurt and he will do that all again for you so i think you're special to him and i think maybe you need to believe that, there's no way he would be put... Like, anyone who has been through a divorce, how would you put yourself through all that again? Because so many people are like, I can't be arsed.

I don't believe in it. I don't want to get married again. It takes a really special person to want to do it again. So I hope that you hold on to that instead. Thank you, Ray. Okay, confession of the week. So I split up from my ex-husband six months ago now. I've been on the dating scene a

bit but not had any much luck. Not had any much luck. Okay. Any much luck with guys. So I've changed my app. I'm now going to look for women. I've never been a lesbian. I don't know if I'm really attracted to women but I thought this is my opportunity to dabble in something a bit different. Last week, I went on my first date with another woman and I've got to be honest, it was the best first date I have ever been on. The connection was there, the attraction was there and she just got me. We're going on our second date next week,

going to keep you updated, but this is a really exciting time of my life. Maybe that's what... Men can be that shit. I haven't considered it. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong. Maybe I need to be a lesbian. I saw that Saving Grace.

She got like... Oh, yeah. She's now dating. Yeah. Is that what I need to do? Well, I feel like it would be great content for the pod, so... So what? I need to just become a lesbian? No, dabble. Don't know if I would be great content for the pod so so what i need to just

become a lesbian just no dabble don't know if i can do it for the plot do it for the plan do it for the plan i'm joking for the plan anyway guys thank you so much for listening we hope you loved it yeah and guys if you're looking for another episode with juicier more unfilial yeah more not cutting out all the stuff that we've cut out on this episode then make sure

you go and check Patreon on our Instagram account and you've got another weekly episode to listen to you're welcome go and enjoy

bye guys bye