Not As We Planned - 47. The Hunky Hot Fireman

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

Our theory on being ghosted, whether a rape fantasy is a red flag and a major breakthrough from a previous story. Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode. Before we get cracking, we want to mention now, Patreon is now live. If you are looking for an extra episode, juicier, on the filters, yeah, you want to mention now patron is now live if you are looking for an extra episode Juicy R on the

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With this episode Catch up We have really spoken I like You're just Subscribe and yeah, anyway, let's crack on with this episode. Catch up. We haven't really spoken. I feel like you're just... I... Sweetheart and girl. I do this sometimes. I just like go off the radar and just don't reply or speak to anyone.

It's not a personal attack on anyone. I just... I take it really personally. I don't even know. like you've seen my inbox that's a representation of my brain that's i just feel very unsettled by it that's just sometimes sometimes i get so overwhelmed that i'm like that's future kylie's problem yeah and then future kylie never deals with it cool Cool. Poor future Carly. Here we are. So are you currently future Carly? It's just not doing it.

I just need a PA to come on. I would love a PA. I would love it. Wouldn't that just be on? If I could afford it, I would do it. Because I need, not even so much work. I need a live PA. Vision board, my own PA.

Do. So what is your catch up or is that your catch up? I've been just. What is your catch-up or is that your catch-up just I've been just what is my catch-up I'll do a nice little catch-up because we're talking about date yeah sweet yeah um so it was a weekend without the kids this weekend and my boyfriend surprised me with puppy yoga in London it looks so oh my god so we were staying in london on saturday night and i think he'd like gone on the map and literally seen something called puppy yoga like literally like a four minute walk from our hotel um so our session was dash hounds so it's an additional

so different session so the dogs aren't there all day like they it's basically breeders send their dogs there to socialize and and get used to being around people. But there's different times, different breeds. Oh my God, I wonder what other breeds there are. There was French Bulldog puppies. There was this little, what's called a... No, like Golden Retrievers or Lab. Yeah, there's Lab.

Yeah, it's amazing. But it was amazing. The yoga bit was a bit irrelevant, really. We did the yoga before the dogs came in, but it was quite nice to stretch out. And actually, that was really funny watching my boyfriend do yoga because I don't think I've ever seen him do anything. I think I might get a bit icked.

No, it was funny. I liked it. And then the dogs all come in and basically you get like 40 minute playtime with the dogs and the people there were really good like making sure everyone had a dog like yeah it was just amazing. I tried to get into puppy yoga for the twins birthday but. Well they have to be six. Yeah they would and I don't know yeah but I don't know if you can have a room full of

six year old that one in particular anyway but yeah it was amazing. Can you imagine how fun that would be if kids partied just like loads of puppies everywhere yeah it was a bit carnage like they do just like pee they didn't pee on me but like they're dogs yeah but yeah it was amazing just if you're looking for like something a bit different in london i think they've got them in a few different places but we did not stop, I did not stop smiling. It was just so much fun and then we ended up

going for like a spontaneous dinner which was amazing. Yeah. Cool. That's my ketchup. That's your ketchup. I,

so I actually went somewhere last night that I had been wanting, I mean, I say I've been wanting to go. I've actually been twice already but they always update it. I went to the Harry Potter.

You went to Harry Potter. I mean, I like- Super fan. Yeah. Super fan. I love Ron Weasley. If you're listening, shout out to Ron. I always dinge him.

I think he's so fat. Oh, you're not joking? No. I fancy Ron Weasley. Expelliarmus. Oh, wow. I want to findasley. Expelliarmus. Oh, wow. I want to find a man with a wand. Anyway, that is what I call a fun.

That would have been my really fun day day. I didn't actually know it closes, I think, at like 10. So you find it in the evening. I went at 6.30 it was just so good because since I last went they've added so many things I'm not going to go into it

because a lot of people if they're listening to this they're not going to care I'm going to form the suit but it was just do you know what it's unreal I've been once

I like Harry Potter but I wouldn't say like I lay in bed dreaming about Ron Weasley. I didn't. And it was good. That was years ago. No, like now you can like go on the train. I feel like I'd maybe wait to go with my kids when they're a bit older.

Yeah, 100%. At the end of the day, it'd be weird if you went if you weren't into Harry Potter. But it is amazing when you think like they actually filmed that this is the train they were on and i when you're so into a new style of a real you can't i just see it's such a geek uh that's what i was doing like it is one of my prompts on my hinge mage i'm not gonna lie but it always started a lot of combo even if people weren't into harry potter like yeah and it just i just left feeling so magical so yeah if you're looking for a fun day day And you don't like dogs And you prefer wizards

I'm a wizard Harry Wizard Harry Anyway You're a wizard Harry My dad's a muggle, my mum's a witch Bit of a nasty shot when he found out Anyway I'm not good with that This is not a Harry Potter me dad's a muggle me mum's a witch bit of a nasty shock when he found out anyway I'm not good with that

oh god Len's gonna switch this is not a Harry Potter episode he's not let's get cracking we asked you for some like dating stuff

and well firstly yeah on my question box on Instagram I did a box and there was a couple just there was one

that I saw this morning and just made me laugh. Right, dating. I don't know if this is a red flag or not, but you guys need to decide. He printed a picture of mine and put it in a frame for when I went round to his. Hold on.

So she just arrives at his house and there's just a picture of her and a flag it's a red flag isn't it is it or is it cute that's not cute that is salonic I can imagine him saving it and then going to his printer and printing only the library because he doesn't have a printer

no sorry or during his injecting that's weird that's weird yeah i i don't know what i would i'd be like what would you do if you were doing this of you can you imagine if it's the first time she goes to his hat do you think it's the first yes i do fuck off i would die i would die i'd be like i hate that photo yeah if i didn't use another one that no that's weird that's weird red flag red flag flag okay i had a first date that lasted 43 minutes because he forgot he had plans to stay in with his flatmate what oh babe I'm so sorry. I've got to stay in. It's failed and run. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That is so awkward. Can you imagine being out on a date and then someone being like, I mean, look, I have done it before, but I didn't say because I had to stay in. I said something was wrong with the kids. It's all right when you do it to them, but when it's done to you, it must feel a bit like shit shit i've years ago this must have been at uni i am i went on a first date with someone it was the most boring first date just went to a bar and he actually sat there and he went so what do we talk about now and i had to

send my friend the text like can you me to say this and imagine it was so awful I don't think I'm a particularly different difficult person to talk to there we go that was that was years ago all right well I'm gonna read this one because standing out a date with a hunky hot fireman oh la la. Come put my fire out. Come climb up my ladder. Okay, thank... What do you mean, get your hose out? That's more, it's better than ladder.

What's a ladder? A ladder to heaven. Okay, anywho. Thankfully, I am now settled in a long-term relationship with two kids, but I had a long history of dating in my 20s, and I used to blog about them. My worst date by far was a fireman. Oh, it's a worst date.

I thought it was going to be really sexual and smoky. Well, I don't know. I've just seen a word. What? My worst date by far was with a fireman. I went in thinking it was cool to date a fireman. Any girl would, right? It's quite cool. I think my friend's been on a date with a fireman. I went in thinking it was cool to date a fireman. Any girl would, right? It's quite cool. Me and my friend's been

on a date with a fireman. I set off my swivel on just for jokes. It's so hot and smoky. I don't know why you're American now. I'm not. You are. I was being you. Tunneling Tash. I can't even remember his name, but let's call

him Danny. I can't remember his name. but let's call him Danny. I can't remember his name. We're going to call him Danny. Okay. Well, we met outside the Natural History Museum in London and he turned up

absolutely legless and could barely stand. Oh, what a turner. I thought you were going to say turn up in his outfit. Yeah. Openly told me

he downed a bottle of wine at a pub beforehand. I really should have just left there and then. But we continued inside. But he then proceeded to tell the many security guards at the door who checked bags that I had a bomb in my bag. Yes, a bomb. Imagine the looks and panic that caused.

Is he okay? Oh, my God, what the fuck? Should we go to prison? Hence a bit, like... That's not banter. That's... At least I hear something similar to it. That's just idiotic.

That's insensitive. I don't like... Well, it's also scaring other people as well. If I heard that, I'd be shitting myself if I was there with my kids, like, in the queue behind them. Yeah, that's so weird. I remember going to the toilets and calling my mum for SOS, but I couldn't get rid of him.

He was stuck to me like a flea from the underground. Afterwards, he persisted on taking me all the way home on the train. I'm from Essex, so I kept saying, don't be silly. Before I had even got home, he messaged to say he couldn't wait to see me again, and the next day told me he had told his parents all about me, and child organizing day two i think i just blocked and deleted him oh my god that's so funny read the room what are your thoughts on like ghosting i don't get it i don't get ghosting i don't like i'd rather someone

be up front with me and be like look there's something there i mean a lot of people ghost because it's so easy now just to like never speak to anyone again but you've managed it by saying off can delay yeah and there's just an easy cop out for yeah i suspect i also think like you think a lot of not to be sexist but men in particular struggle to articulate feelings then they don't have to have those conversations they can literally bye like i'd always rather be told like i'm not actually feeling this or i feel like girls always want a bit of like reasoning behind it like i'd rather know than like be left one i also think girls hold on a lot more. Yeah, like it's like, oh my God, like I haven't.

Maybe they're him. Maybe they're him. Maybe he's like, grandma's died and like he's really sad. So I hear from him in two days. I got ghosted when I first. And what, the guy that climbed the mountain? The guy that climbed the mountain. How funny that I still remember.

He could be dead. He could be dead. But I think I just got ghosted. And that's fine. But again, I'd rather... Now I'm left wondering, is there a poor man's body on a mountain? That's it.

I would just rather someone be like, do you know what? That's fine. We'd literally only messaged a few times. It wasn't a big deal. But I just find it weird. I don't know if that's because i'm someone who wears my heart on my sleeve oh i just feel like ghosting is now i feel like there's even

a terminology for it people think it's acceptable to do it do you know what i mean like yeah talking to someone and yeah can't really be bothered because i'm talking to someone else i think a lot of girls overanalyze ghosting i think it's so bad when you've gone on a few dates with someone and you've met them and then they ghost you yeah i do think that there's probably only two reasons why you get ghosted girls will try and look for scenarios like i think that he obviously felt like he was not worthy of me so he thought that he'd escape heartache now rather than, do you know what I mean? You know when girls are really like, yeah, I'm definitely above him.

So he's ghosting me because he's realised it and doesn't want to get hurt. No, no, no. There's two reasons why you get ghosted. They're either not interested. Not that into you. Or they found someone else. Yeah.

I think, unfortunately. Or there's other people. They could be emotionally underrated. They might not be looking for anything serious they might just enjoy for you so i actually saw it on tiktok obviously and this woman was it's not a question this is actually a statement there was someone that said on that this thing that i was watching there's like two reasons why someone may like be into you show show all the right signs and then just suddenly stop. And one of those, it was really interesting and I actually agree with this. One of the reasons why guys do that is because they were actually never looking for anything serious anyway.

But they feel like if they tell you that, they're missing the opportunity of potentially sleeping with you, going on a few dates with you. So they lead you on thinking that they're on the same page as you just to go with the flow and then once they've got what they want they bugger off because i think a lot of men realize in this day and age if they just say i'm just looking for a bit of fun and don't want anything serious they may miss out on someone that's like yeah that would put me on exactly so all those girls that like want a bit more commitment and they're like i'm not just looking for a bit of fun. I think a lot of guys now are clever and they make out that they're on the same page, get what they want and then they fuck off. So that's definitely one reason for ghosting. Like they were never looking for anything serious.

And I think the problem with that is then it really probably damages women's like self-esteem and self-worth because it wasn't that he walked away from you because you weren't good enough. He never wanted anything serious in the first place, but you were enough for him to want a bit. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. I think the other reason is is they've found someone else.

Well, they're just not that into you and that's a lot of film. I love that film. It's so good. Great film. Another email. Okay. This is called

Red Flag or Fantasy. I don't know what the other means. We'll see. Oh, okay. Hi. I don't know.

It literally came from... Okay. Match with a man on Bumble. Had a nice chat, etc. Match with a man on Bumble. So now I know the song. It must have been like that week I heard it.

For a man in finance. Trust Fern. Six eyes. Blue eyes. Should we come up with our own version now now that you know the song. It must have been like that week I heard it. Look for a man in finance. Trust Fern. Six eyes, blue eyes. Should we come up with our own version now, now that you know the song? Okay. I'm looking for a man available. Emotionally.

Available. Emotionally. Nice, good morals. Loyal. Loyal. Big cock. We could have kept it a little classier. Okay, hold on.

I'm looking for a man in IT. Oh, no thanks. No? No. Dead. God. Okay, anyway, anyway. We do need to come up with a good one.

We'll come up with it. Yeah. Also, I saw a funny one on TikTok and it was like, I'm looking for a mum friend friend who has seen that yeah i've seen that um shouts for their kid not gentle parenting anyway okay match with a man on like that but had a nice chat etc started to plan about meeting up when he said he has a fantasy and could he tell me and i said yeah wait before a first day yeah hold a sexual fantasy we took it yeah I must be is there such thing as a non-sexual man today why did you my fantasize about shopping here's my credit card I mean that would actually be a proper fancy give me your credit card um I guess if that sometimes I feel like sexual talk is actually fine before a first day if it's

naturally flowed, you know, when you get people and they're like, like that guy like, I like anal. Yeah, that's not where did that come from? No, I agree because especially if you've got that like chemistry and that pull towards it. Yeah, I definitely had like chats like that with my ex-boyfriend. We're married. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. He said he likes to obviously get consent first, but then pretends to not know the person and have sex like it's right. He likes it rough and wants the woman to struggle, fight back, be in pain and likes to make them cry, but it's all consensual. The woman has to act like it's not.

I don't get the crying thing. Look, I understand a little bit of restraint here. That's very bold. Very bold to be saying that before you meet. Yeah. Straight away, I was sick. And the thought in my head was that he was like, wants to rape someone, but not trying to find a way to justify his thoughts.

If he says it's a fantasy, there's a lot of weird sex out there, but this was the worst. So he, safe to say, reported and blocked. I've left a lot of details out as this was nearly a year ago. I don't think that's a red flag. That's the standards of change. Okay. So can you pass me his number?

Hear me out. I'm not saying that... Obviously, if she genuinely thinks that he wants to rape people... As well, they're strangers at this point as well. That bit, I think it's too much too soon. Yeah. But what I'm saying is... How do I say this without sounding like I'm opposed to rape?

I feel like fantasies in general, I think that's very personal, something that should definitely be shared once you're really intimate with someone. But I can understand... Actually, maybe I can't. Maybe it is a bit weird. I understand role play.

I understand what I was doing as well. I understand. Maybe now thinking about it maybe actually that's quite weird I think I'm now acting it out do you know what's weird I understand there's certain parts of that that people probably do get

pleasure from like restraining or having the control, the domination I think the way it's been articulated in terms of like i want to write like yeah i want you to cry and be in pain i think it's abnormal for men to want to dominate in a way where i think it's kind of a realistic natural instinct yeah they're now like the more i'm thinking about it the more more uncomfortable I'm getting. Yeah, it's not, it's, yeah, that's a red flag for me. It's, someone said that to me before.

Oh, yeah. Someone said this to me, like, I like, I would probably, and pretend to be right. I'd be scared that they would rate me. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, maybe my flag is starting to turn a bit amber. Right. It's that amber.

What about mahogany? Here's a question for you. Okay. What would you say is your number one dating advice? Very on the spot. It's how we work. I would say my number one piece of dating advice, so experienced, is to be open-minded. I think when I started dating, I wasn't looking for a relationship. I think I purposely, you know, on the prompts, I think I purposely didn't put anything prompts I think I purposely didn't put anything

yeah because what you're looking I didn't know what I was looking for I definitely didn't think I was looking for a relationship and I think just not closing things off I think as well like trusting in an initial connection an initial spark is a really good positive first sign so and just knowing like I think just go for it and put if it's a bad date it's just an experience and you learn you always learn something so yeah that's it yeah sorry what about yours mine would probably be like to not overthink and match their energy I don't mean necessarily the actual day itself I mean like when you are on the dating apps and you're speaking to people and if you feel like at first,

like the conversation's really flowing and it's good, like don't play games, like match that. If they're replying quick, just, you know, match their energy. But I do also feel like I'm not one for playing games at all. I'm not like, oh, he took 30 minutes. Yeah. Replying 35 however what I will say is I do believe that when if in your gut you feel like they have changed and

they're not as available for you or they haven't actually asked you out yet and you feel like you're becoming pen pals a bit don't be so available I think that you what I mean by matching their energy is if they leave you on unread for ages don't go reply straight away like match their energy like they're pulling back I would personally pull back too yeah so that would be my advice when it comes to actually actively dating matching their energy and try not to overthink it if they just do a disappearing act on you if oh actually number one dating advice if you are speaking to someone or you've seen them a bit and then they literally just ghost you please do not send them that long paragraph do not send them that message of i'm really upset i thought we were were this. I thought we were that. If they do not message you,

fuck them off. Do not message them. Do not give them your energy. Do not give them the satisfaction that you are bothered. I know that you want to get answers, but the silence is an answer. So if anyone is listening to this

and they are thinking of sending that paragraph, delete. Don't send it. Write it, keep it in your note. Get it out of your system. Send it to a mate. Yeah. And then block and delete.

Bye, boy. Bye. Okay, we're ready. Dating dilemma. Okay. Hey, girls. Love the podcast so much. I look forward to every week.

I've got a little bit of a dilemma for you. Bit of a background. I split up with my kid's dad in October last year after six years together. He was incredibly narcissistic and continues to be as a co-parent now. I've never not trusted people in the past, but I feel like being through what I have been through and how disingenuous someone you love can be towards you, I'm struggling to allow myself to believe anyone's intentions. Hard relate. A few months ago, I got back on the dating scene, but just been having fun, nothing serious.

A few weeks ago, I met this guy, probably not in the best way. I went over and stayed over. We obviously had an amazing wild time in the bedroom, but I was shocked how much we got on and what a nice guy he seemed and did quite a few gentlemanly things whilst I was there. Anyway we've been speaking every day and have both agreed that we want to explore it as more than just sex as we did have an instant connection. However before I met him he told me a story of a work colleague who fancies him. She was married and wanted to have an affair with him. He said he entertained it to see how far she'd go and she did ask him to go round to have sex, which he didn't do, as morally couldn't with her being married.

But I don't... Run. Yeah, run. He's not worth it. No, I don't trust him. Do you know what actually I find worse than him doing that? Testing? No, it's him telling you yeah that's like

why why is he telling you that some people might be like oh he's so honest no no i find i don't like that he he wanted to see how far she'd go that's fucked up no i think that's a fucking red flag that he's even sharing that information with you run for the hill i did say morally you shouldn't have even entertained it it's an orangey red flag it's bright red from it he also said they do crosswords together every day and work on their break and that's how it all began fast forward to a few days ago where we were speaking on the phone and he mentioned that he was doing the crossword with his work colleague that day and she's going through a lot including going through a divorce at first it didn't click in my brain but now I can't stop thinking that if she is single they 100% have unfinished business. A sexual tension or connection unexplored and something between them that they are probably both intrigued to explore. Should I ask him about this or is it

too intense this early? I don't want to get myself into a situation where I like him when he is spending time with her every day crossing that line. I also think the more I see and speak to him, the more I like him. Is this a massive red flag and should I remove myself or is this me self-sabotaging, feeling triggered by the whole situation? I'd appreciate your advice and sorry for the long email. I personally, if you were looking for something serious and someone that you want to be with,

especially that you've just gone through a separation with someone in October, it's still actually not that long ago. I think the only reason to pursue something where you've got that connection is if they're giving you all the good signs, like that you can trust them, that they are a safe and secure person, particularly when you've gone through what you've gone through. I think that safety and that security being with someone is really important. You want to look for signs that you can trust them and if i'm being honest a the facts like i don't know if it's

the the way i've perceived this is the fact he's told you and then he's told you that i think he knows what he's doing i think he's trying to make you jealous yeah i think he like sometimes i feel like people that's an insecurity of his that he wants to see how you're going to react and stuff but i've got to be honest i think that and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but because of what you've been through and you're worried about trusting again because you've been let down, I think it sounds like you maybe haven't done enough inner work to have enough self-worth to know when you should walk away from someone. Because if I came across someone like him

after everything that I went through with my ex-husband I wouldn't be touching someone like that with a barge pole because I wouldn't want to repeat history and I think someone like that someone like him is that early on with confidence and allow you to heal and realize like you can trust men I think he sounds like he'd be a repeat so for me like the start of a relationship it's that exciting it's that really exciting part where you're obsessed with each other like you literally like i don't know the thought that you're even like worrying about someone else that early on so i know it's just a massive red flag for me yeah i i would the fact that you're saying

every time you speak to him i think you know as well i think you've written in because you want us to confirm what you're actually thinking but you're i don't know you almost want to excuse his behavior it's hard to walk away when you found a connection you probably didn't think that you were going to find one but i promise you if you're going to like him more and more, the more you see him, I would leave now while you probably feel a bit more strength and that you're not completely head over heels in love. Go. Leave. Can you keep us updated, please?

Okay, guys, we've actually got a part two and a part three for the lady we spoke about who was living in a 2.5 million house, like literally on paper, had everything. So I'm invested. Rude. Okay. This is my update from my first email. It's escalated quickly.

I finally made the choice to end the relationship in the space of a week. Woo! He's done nothing for me or the kids, only pays for stuff which I made clear in my last email. He never cooks for us, goes shopping with me, organises anything for the kids, doesn't help with the school run, schoolwork, house chores, bath time, meals, anything. I do it all and I think a lot of you can relate to this. When you're getting no help I've only now realised what am I here for in this relationship. He's living in the big bed and I'm in the kids bedroom with my little girls which I prefer anyway not listening to him snore or the tv on so loud and at night oh I can't do tv at night I can

I realize he's not aligned with me anymore he just doesn't understand family like I do he doesn't do anything romantic for me he never shows me any gratitude. He takes all my time and energy and I have no time for myself anymore. I've lost who I am, who I was, and I've just become his. Do you know what's really interesting? This actually reminds me.

I was listening to a podcast on my walk the other day, Stephen Bartlett, and he had a really high divorce lawyer lawyer on there I've seen clips from that and yeah he was talking about you know a lot of it was mentioned about money and how you sometimes got like the really rich man it was just a really interesting listen for anyone that wants to like listen to divorce but an interesting fact was that 86% of divorced people remarry. Wow. Yeah, it's really high.

Really high. And I like that. I like that people don't give up. They get put off. Yeah. So we just marry the wrong person. 56% of people get divorced. Wow.

Yeah. You mean 56% of people get married. 56% of people get divorced. 50% of people get divorced. And he said that that percentage would be a lot higher, but a lot of people end up trying to start the process and then they actually realise they're better off just not bothering, they're expensive or they don't want to or the girls isn't always green. So the percentage would probably be a lot higher.

Isn't that a meme? Yeah. Well, no. I mean, it means we've got a bigger audience. Come away. Come on down. I'm sad for my children, but not as sad as I thought I would be. As I know this is early days, but I feel stronger as I need to be alone.

He's like having a baby around. I'm only short of wiping his bottom for him because he can't do anything else for himself. Loving the energy. I've been ill the last five days with this cold virus chesty cough thingy and not once has he helped me. That's horrible. Or asked if I want to have a lie down and he'll look after the children. This is what made me realise I'm doing this all now,

why he's here so I can do this while he's not here too she's doing it without his help now so she's saying i could do it with without being with him amen so when you get those realized is making me even more angry as i want to shout and scream at him but i know i won't get anywhere the only problem is he won't leave the house. My anxiety is off the scale. I'm walking on the showers. He's living in the bedroom. I'm just hanging around the house, going from one room to another. I've told him today he needs to leave as this is very unhealthy for our children. Even though we aren't arguing, this will still affect them. The silence, the atmosphere is awful. You can cut it with a knife. He has plenty of money to leave and go

somewhere, but he won't. He's now saying he's cutting my allowance short because he has outgoings he had them anyway when he when we were together this is another controlling thing he does with money if i don't toe the line he's controlling narcissistic selfish and i feel so angry at myself for letting this go on for so long i'd say like don't feel angry with yourself like it's really easy to brush and not not see these things until you have that you've had your light bulb moment and now you're really seeing him for what he is so you know don't be angry with yourself you could have left it longer longer but you're not you're doing something about it i know i don't want to reconcile the only way i would be happy is when he leaves but how can you get someone to leave the home that

they pay for that i'm not even on the mortgage i'm taking my children to london myself for my daughter's birthday this is a brave thing for me to do and just enjoy it and i realize i can do the single mom life and i will do it i will update you on the next part as to when he leaves. Should we read update number three? Guys, update number three. This is my final email to end. Okay. Okay, so this week, Tuesday, so two days ago. She asked him

two days ago to leave the house and it's just unhealthy. So he's booked himself a hotel from Friday till Tuesday. I was so confused. Why only four nights? I overheard him talking last night on the phone to only be saying he's getting off to Thailand. I feel sick. Even though I told him I no longer love him or in love with him I feel betrayed. Why Thailand? I only have him down to do one thing and now I feel lack of trust even though I feel I don't trust him anymore. The last

two days emotions have run wild. Some harsh words have been exchanged. I feel bad that I'm pushing him away and out of the family home but he can't stay here. If I could go on and have money I would have picked myself and the kids up and left but obviously we can't. I know that isn't going back as it's toxic. We are both unhappy. I don't trust him and I don't feel the same about him anymore. To try and get this as solid proof I went to go into his phone last night while he was in the shower only to find the passcode has changed his laptop passwords have changed too I'm furious why change these what have you got to hide my head's gone I had my first cry today it all got to me the thought of him definitely going and more so to Thailand I don't know what to think but I keep telling myself he's single and he can do what he likes now is this natural to think of all the

stuff he could be doing but then I'm thinking I could be doing the same but obviously I'm not interested in anything right now only healing and learning not to be a people pleaser anymore or to put myself first I have a lot of work to do on myself and learn how to navigate this single life that I have now. I feel in the last two weeks things have snowballed and gone so fast. He is definitely leaving Friday and I know I will begin to feel free. Me and the kids are staying in the family home till it sells. This obviously could take months but I'm going to try and concentrate on the here and now and enjoy the half term and London with my babies. Any help on how to deal

with the next few months without trying to act super cool would be amazing can I just say you know how you're saying like he's single now he can do what I want you could be doing it too I think that first of all the fact that you only told him that you're done like I don't know a week ago and he's already potentially seeing other people I think speaks volumes about him as a person and I think again I don't want to generalize and sorry if I'm offending anyone but I think it's very typical for men to not be able to stand being alone and they like rush into something really quickly or they just like sleep with other people and do that and men men go and find other women and women go and find themselves.

And I think that you just need to concentrate on yourself, do that healing, do that work that you know that you need to do to not be a people pleaser, to be a good person for yourself and your children and do the work and heal and let him just, I don't think he's going to make any changes because he probably doesn't think he needs to make any changes. I think as well, I think I just want to validate all those feelings

that, yeah, it's terrifying when you've been with someone for so long thinking they're moving on, they're with someone else or whatever it is. And I think, Bill, all those feels like you were with the man for years and that's okay but it comes back to controlling the things you can control you can't control what he's going to go and do now he's going to do some things that you'll probably find out and they'll fucking break you but he's shown you what you need to see and i think here is where you need to focus on yourself where looking after yourself channeling into you learning growing healing because we can obsess until the cows come home about what the other person's doing but ultimately we can't change

any of that and also you probably won't know and I think that it's really important to realize you know in the second email you said you were like really empowered and I think that it's really important to realize you know in the second email you said you were like really empowered and you felt really strong and now it seems like in your third email you seem a bit more like sad and down welcome to unfortunately grief and healing and and going through that process of a breakup like I said the other week like one minute you're up the next minute you're down like take the small wins when you're feeling good and empowered grab that with both hands but don't feel like you're going backwards or doubting yourself that you've made a mistake when you're feeling crappy because

it does go up and down like one of the stages of healing is denial and being worried that like have you made the right decision that fear and then there is anger yeah and then one minute you're crying the next minute you're like yeah i can do this so right the way is you've done the right thing like you i think you know you've done the right thing and he's not gonna go about the breakup i think in a way that a healthy person would want to like grow from it try and put aside what he's doing as best as you can and concentrating yourself and the kids and well done like yeah it's massive yeah take the leap isn't yeah scary it is it's the hardest thing okay confession

hinge story oh hi tasha and carly your podcast has got me through a lot and a single mom to one year old twins blimey it's been hard but knowing the community out there going through it as well has helped me feel less alone i have a funny story to share with you i was early to work and sat in the car park only moms appreciate being sat in a silent car in a car park i was sat swiping on hinge and i saw a guy i'd matched with previously on bumble before i deleted it anyway i didn't look at his profile and swiping his straight away and quickly got a match back so i went straight in with hi again been a while did you miss me too much then i thought i better look at his profile again and it was the other guy in his main

profile picture i had matched with the other guy in the pictures before not him this is why you should only have pictures of you on your dating profile on this you may that's so much funny who was bitter which brand I'm not talking of like when friends are in the photos I find it so weird when like if you're swiping and it's like a group and you're like one of them is fit and then you scroll down and wait for like the solo photos like why are you putting yourself in a photo with your fit friends can i match with you to find out if your fit friend is on here because i don't understand people that put photos maybe yes maybe he's quite sure of himself no i find it a lot of times really obvious like who's your fit friend and then you get to a point that photo. Maybe he's quite sure of himself.

No, I find it a lot of times really obvious. Like, who's your fit friend? And then you get to a point where you're scrolling so much that they're like, no, no, no. And then I look at it and I'm like, well, you're obviously the ugly one. Scroll. Yep, you are. Scroll, scroll.

But you're looking. That's the whole point of dating apps, isn't it? You're not going to match with an ugly guy. No, that's very true. Should we do a little affirmation of the week yeah go on okay i feel really empowered by that woman that left like a really cushy life yeah it would have been very easy yeah so i think that the affirmation should be however much you feel like staying is easier leaving is braver and can give you more opportunity for happiness yes i like it yeah don't forget to like subscribe follow share all of you we won the reviews guys and hopefully and see you on our patreon episode on monday bye