Not As We Planned - 51. The Micro Penis Debate...

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Learning that sometimes the news we dread is a blessing in disguise, finding love again but losing the naivety of forever, the coparenting dilemma and the micro penis scenario Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hi, it's Tash and Carly, and you're listening to Motherhood, not as we planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea, or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hello, you guys. I'm too loud to say my name. Hi! I love that voice. Very, very jolly.

I'm very jolly today. You're very jolly. I'm very jolly today. You're so jolly. I'm jolly too. Yeah, but I feel like it's extra nice for me because I feel like I've been well miserable. Guys, Carly is now positive again. Bye! She's back, baby.

We're back. Back. Anyway, guys, before we delve into this week's episode, as always, please make sure that if you're not subscribed to our Patreon channel, you're not going to want to miss it and also we're not here on this usual thing i can't speak what i'm sorry we're not doing these normal episodes for the whole month of august because of mum life and difficulties getting the time to do that but we are going to be over on patreon so if you want your fix of us over the summer go sign up we can even just sign up for august and then come off

it but you're probably not going to want to because you're not going to want to come off we've also got a live zoom on the 16th of july for all members so yeah there are no going to be no episodes in august so that is your warning um and also as always please leave your reviews on Apple, subscribe on YouTube follow us, share on Instagram it means the world, we are reaching so many more people than we thought we ever would and it's so nice we get notifications

of Patreon sign ups and Tash messes me the other night, she's like Patreon's going off it really is going off but it's I love it, yeah we do, so anyway let's have a quick update we didn't film last week because carly was on her holiday so why don't you let us know how that well oh second holiday with the two on my own since becoming a single mom and it was so much easier than last year so like we said it's like another year on the kids are another year older I feel like they've got my back more like they can get things now um don't get me wrong the

traveling part with two kids on your own is always going to be difficult um but they were so cooperative and also I really thanked my organized second mom self like it's like getting through the airport's the hardest bit but i gave like the kids little jobs like can you look out for gate blah blah like you're looking for these numbers like they were brilliant just giving them little things to do um and i mean the hardest bit is getting on the plane so i had my backpack i had the pram that i had to give them at the gate which really annoying because it does go in the overhead lockers and then so I went on about this boots hat all go all do your boots stuff to the gate after security so you don't have to waste your room in your bag like filling it up with this

shit right so I'd like ordered all the sun cream all the nappies all the toiletries so I'm like get boots and I'm thinking they're going to give me like one of them plastic bags at the handles and like chuck it on the pram, whatever. I get there, they give me a cardboard box, this big. And I'm like, I've got two kids, I'm like, what?

What, we're going to march through an airport with a box? So I was like, oh, could I have a bag, please? They're like, I'll help yourself. They were really rude. These bags were like this big. So I'm there in boots,

like unpacking this order sweat dripping everywhere these fucking nappies like it was really stressful anyway luckily I had a bit of rum in my hand so I managed to split

some bits but just not ideal so I wouldn't say I've got to be honest when I saw that you did that it did stress me out you don't think

I'm a drag yeah I paid to admit it was right I just feel like I'd rather just know I have everything out you don't think I'm average of that yeah I paid to admit it was right I just feel like I'd rather just know I have everything but I don't want that

stress at the airport I'm the little guinea pig so I've done that now don't do that it's fine I'm never going to be going away with my kids on my own

so you be the guinea pig I will not be what are you you be the guinea pig yeah yeah getting on the plane is absolutely awful. Absolutely.

It was really shit. By the time Milo decided that he had to be attached to me. Cool. So I'm there trying to carry everything and he's too little to carry. I'd packed their... That's quite a thing.

I was struggling to carry. So Theo's at the bottom of the set trying to get up and Ryanair just at the top like, welcome aboard. Fucking see, we're struggling up the set. So Theo's at the bottom of the set trying to get up. And Rhino just at the top like, welcome aboard. Fucking see, we're struggling up the set. So I've got Milo literally under my arm like a surfboard and trying to carry everything.

And they're like, welcome aboard. No one helped you. No one helped me. That's so bad. Anyway, whilst we were on the plane, it was fine. I had my little wash bag hat. Honestly, not to blow my own trumpet, it saved my life, the flight. The kids loved it because you're not going

back down to the bags every time everything is there they were really excited to be on the plane they honestly like the stickers

the colouring the superheroes you know when you're sitting there and you're like I'm the boss bitch and like the woman's behind me

is going at the end of the flight I just want to say how beautifully behaved your children thank you thank you on the flight they already did all the things because he does get bad ears milo is hilarious we're quite like a bum banding in like you know when you see people that sit back in their seats oh like this feels funny you can see people's faces going, Milo's there going, Whee! Whee! I got the cutest video after, so it was really, really cute.

And then getting off the other side, again, that is the stressful bit. You're walking through a giant airport, and this was the hard bit. You can really do with your pram, trying to get through the airport and trying to encourage Milo to walk. In my head, I just took the pressure off and was like we'll walk as slow as we need to walk like and they were quite cute they were holding hands and adorable and I'd be like adorable run and everyone had told me how awful Palmer security was like how they were mad queues and we got there it was empty so that how we managed that we were straight through it and it's

really stress-free I managed to I had a transfer booked with holiday extras they sorted it all out like it was so seamless they even had a car seat for Milo and a booster seat from Theo which I feel like when you're a board you don't really get so that was really good the actual holiday like I had a really bad experience when we got there so obviously I was on my own I'd like this giant suitcase everything and no one helped me to my room and I said could someone help me to my room please i'd never heard of anything isn't it insane in my life no like we don't have a portal service i was like could one of you maybe help me i said i'm a single parent no sorry we can't so i was like livid at this so they'd watch me going back and forward to my room traipsing my two children would be the whole

time you know when you're just like, oh, this is a really bad first impression. I'm just like, anyway, the room was lovely. We had a really nice view of the pool, but I was really, really fucking livid that first day. So I was like, how dare you not help me? Like, it's hard. I think that's disgusting.

It is disgusting. When I got an email that night, checking in on how I was like, well, actually. I'd be making a massive full complaint. So anyway, actually I might email them now I would yeah I will um but yeah the actual hotel was amazing for the kids like the pool was great the only thing I would say like compared to the photo I stayed at in Tenerife like that was a much bigger kids pool that was really like a really nice depth that the kids could play around more in like one thing i never understand with these hotels that are aimed at kids why do they have these giant fucking buckets that tip over and scare the living shit out of everyone because it happened

on the first day like emptied on milo's head and he was forever traumatized and then they didn't go in like the big kids pool and the only pool they went and was like this probably two meter by two meter circle the holiday so i've had like the pool and like they had like better splash stuff at the hotel in tenerife um but the entertainment was great for the kids yeah i really pushed myself out my comfort zone this year like we went out the hotel nearly every evening i got fed up of buffet food so i did quite a lot of meals out and on the last night I was like I'm taking them to a nice restaurant and I was like this could either go awful or it was be a great decision and like really selfishly I picked a sushi restaurant because I was craving it so badly they were stunning like you know when you sit back and I felt really emotional just like

I'm so proud of them because I know they're doing this for me like i know they know like we've had a little chat before and i was like you know if we sit and behave nicely i'm and stupidly i only took their um tablets out with me in the last two days of holidays for meals why couldn't i do that earlier i think i was trying to prove point to myself i don't need to prove point to myself every fucking kid in the hotel also take the guilt away every single child in the hotel i stayed in during all meals had tablets out there's no guilt i always do that on holiday i don't know why i hadn't thought i think because naturally we don't use the tablets at home i don't and so it wasn't like a grab the tag light it was like oh and then when i took them out for breakfast in

the morning i'd take them with and i was like eating them in a minute and they were brilliant um one thing I will say is like I remember last year going on this holiday and being really conscious and wary that I was in a family hotel and being really conscious of these two parent families because it is it's 95% actually probably higher percent families away and I remember last year feeling this enormous sadness and I don't know looking around slightly envious and I remember I found that element quite hard and I don't know I think it shows to me how much work I've done the last year and how much I've healed but instead of like looking around and being like oh I wish like I had a two-parent home I looked around and felt really fucking empowered that I was giving my kids exactly that doing it on my own but also like not to be like negative but

looking around and thinking i know they might be here as a family but so many of them probably aren't happy and nothing what we know i'm just think can't help but thinking like he's a he's a red flag he's not into her like this oh where's he's watching right he's watching like at dinners like i i i'm i am a people watch i do like that i'm watching but watching couples literally not even remotely communicating sitting on their own phones and things i'm like actually what i've got right now is so much better than any of that and i know one day like me and my boyfriend will get to a point where we all got on a big family holiday and i will have that again but i just i don't know i I was just very wary of how-

Were you self-reflecting on like the difference? How much I've come on the last year, but how I look at things. And I didn't feel any sadness. I felt empowered to be a single mom. I felt proud to be a single mom. The amount of times I got stopped on my holiday, people in the hotel who, you know,

after a few days you start to clock different people. People would obviously been watching me and notice like I was only a- Yeah yeah i got stopped by a lady in the pool and was like oh you were in the room with the boys i was like yesterday if i ever see you i'll take pictures of you like like naturally so you can have them this grandma who was away with must have been her daughter and her husband and the kids she was like i've been watching you like your boys are so beautifully behaved i hope you know what an amazing job you're doing like i want you to know you're enough and i got really emotional that day and then another day i was like walking down by the beach and a lady stopped me she actually

follows me on instagram and she was like and i'd been playing with the kids and i was like trying to film some on my phone she was like go and do exactly what you're doing give me your phone i want to film some natural like so it's just things like that that like mean so much and don't get me wrong i'm quite lucky that i'm not afraid to set up a tripod and capture moments like that because i'm used to it now and for my job i do capture content but i encourage any parent not even just single parents set up the tripod stop worrying about what people think you capture the most amazing moments some of my favorite holiday moments I've captured just from setting it up and yeah I'm feeling really bloody positive I'm excited uh you know this weekend I'm not gonna lie I came back and I felt like I needed a holiday we had quite a difficult flight back we were delayed my kids were absolutely horrific in

the airport like I don't want people to think oh my god her kids are beautifully behaved like we were in the airport and i was like please save me and i was next to these two women bless them they were trying to like help and they both said to me like you're doing an amazing job do you know who i saw in my flat homes i haven't done it oh really fucking beautiful shit i mean you can tell. No, even better. Really? You know when you die, oh, stunning. Just fucking stunning. Stop staring at her. Anyway, yeah, the kids were awful until we got on the plane. As soon as they were on the plane, Milo was asleep before we took off.

And they both slept for an hour and then they were on their tablets. They're brilliant. And then I got off the plane and I saw the poems by the steps and i thought i don't know if they're taking them but i'm taking mine now and it saved me so yeah that was really really good um yeah i'm in a positive headspace i go to venice this next weekend how nice i'd love to go to venice one day just love that venice is on my vision board so it's like another thing to tick off it's nice when you get something to tick off like disney was on mine yeah it's a really good feeling so yeah and my holiday with the boys was on this i feel like i don't know yeah coming back i've been so motivated this week i've

been in such a good headspace i'm like feeling this like empowerment i'm kind of trying to arrive with it like i've got so many ideas yeah no i get that um how am I I'm good I so I wanted to share something that happened it was while you were away and I yeah I received some news that I'm not going to share because it's not my news to share but what I do want to share is my experience with it and how it's changed my situation. So I found something out which I thought would ruin me. I honestly thought this news would floor me, would completely shatter all the healing that I'd done. It would set me all the way back. And what I really want to share with people is sometimes it's

the anxiety of something happening it's so much worse than the reality and sometimes I think when we have people emailing and saying like what if this happens with my ex or what if that happens with my partner and we always say like try not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet because you don't know how you're going to feel once it happens there's no point worrying about something twice but this experience did leave me like on the floor but less than 48 hours later I picked myself back up and the change that I have seen in how I've taken this on used it as an advantage it pushed me 10 steps back and it then put me 20 steps forward and that in itself has made me feel so proud and empowered because it's shown me what work I have done in the last four or five months.

Because had I found this out a few months ago, it would have been a very different ballgame. And I just feel like I want to really reassure people that sometimes what you think is going to be the worst thing ever ends up actually being the best thing ever because this experience has opened my eyes slightly more to my situation allowed me to see things in a much clearer light I think it's allowed you to stop romanticizing things I do that a lot yeah and I've really noticed that I you know I'm very good at giving advice I know a lot of us are good at giving the advice and not very good at taking it and I think I have this habit of romanticizing situations some of which never even existed putting people on pedestals that they don't need to be on and I feel like this experience has almost been like a catalyst of allowing me to just

let go of any hope I held on to and it's it's it's made me it's pushed me forward even more and I don't I think I needed this to happen for me to really really like get to that last bit of my healing journey. I can tell the difference in you. Obviously, I remember the voice note you sent me. And that was a week. It was a week and a half ago. And compared to now, I sent it to you before we came onto this. I do think it's the best thing that could have happened to you.

Yeah, and I just feel like... Yeah want I just want people to know that try I know it's easy easily said but try not to consume yourself with worrying about things that haven't happened yet because hand on heart I did think that this would be the end of me and if anything it's it's opened my eyes into like yeah just a much better situation so yeah I'm feeling I'm just generally feeling really positive I'm in a really good place mentally um and yeah like I can't believe that we've now we're halfway through the year and it hasn't been the year that I hoped for. But actually, in some ways, I've learned so much about myself. You've done in the last six months. So you've still got six months of the year left.

Yeah. That's exciting. I feel like I'm just now really getting to that point where I'm like, I'm just also being kinder to myself I can't explain like I feel like a situation with what I've gone through I would almost be like and I did for like the first 24 to 48 hours like put the blame on myself wonder why I wasn't good enough and I can see how much of a shift I've got in my head of okay cool well that's that that problem is not your problem anymore and look what you've got to offer and actually speaking kinder to myself and it makes such a difference I know I've got so much to offer so much I've done so much growth in the last few months it almost

excites me for when I am ready to put myself out there I'm in such a better place yeah that I'm going to attract so much better so yeah so yeah that's my update like it's been a bumpy ride but now I feel like could have done without that but never mind okay guys we're getting stuck in with some emails so hey there I subscribe to your patreon it's been so good so far thank you I wonder if you get a chance could you read my email below it's not the usual type of email you read out but I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment okay let's do it so this might be a bit different to your usual ones yes my marriage broke down my ex was awful and abusive and i suffered 16 years of on and off mental and emotional

emotional abuse from him mostly fueled by alcohol and drugs and the comedowns in between he was awful particularly from the moment i got pregnant with my first daughter i've never done drugs and i drink responsibly so lord knows why i ended up with him. I gave up my career to raise our daughters as we could not afford for me to not work and both our jobs were very intense and included a lot of travel and long hours. We had a wonderful year around the time when I had my second daughter as he gave up drinking so the drugs went too and he was great but then he started drinking after apparently proving to himself he wasn't an addict and then it was a slippery slope back to how he

was before he was very successful in his career and we lived a very comfortable life as a result of this just before lockdown after an extended period of him spiraling into a really bad state and drinking even more and staying out, I confronted him. And he said he wasn't happy and blamed me for everything. Weight, looks, dress sense, etc. It's the blame, always. It's always. Always.

Anyway, and it's all on her appearance. It's vile. Do you know what I noticed a lot of? I feel like after I had kids, I feel like that's when my ex lost interest in how I looked. Really? Yeah. And actually, I looked back at pictures, like not intentionally, just it came up in TimeHop for like a couple of years ago. I'm not saying I look amazing now but like I look so much better now but I saw um this video and it says like your health and the way you look actually indicates first that you're in an unhealthy

relationship like I look at my skin I look at I don't know I think you can tell a lot by how happy someone is by like how they look and like I don't know just even like the way I dress and I just like I feel like I've had a glow up not in like an up myself way but like I'm feeling so much better from within but also externally as well I completely yeah you do lose yourself after having kids like but there were also a lot of things like I always feel really way more comfortable with my hair extensions and after we had kids I was told I wasn't allowed extensions because it's selfish for me to spend money on stuff like that. It's things like that that maybe would have kept him more attracted to me.

Yeah, anyway, all I'm saying is it's very normal to feel less confident in yourself and the way you look after babies. And if any man ever uses that against you. and the way you look after babies and if any man ever uses that against you i look back at photos around the time that i separated from my ex-husband my my face was gray yeah my hair as you know my hair fell out yeah i just yeah i just i just looked ill and I'll own it. I feel like I'm having a glow up right now. Damn fucking good. Bring it on.

I was looking at pictures. Great time glow up. I was thinking, I saw another funny thing and it was like, there's always one person, like in a breakup, there's always one person who has a glow up and the other person goes the other way and I'm like, frog emoji. goes the other way and I'm like frog emojis anyway um it just annoys me when men use this excuse like women's bodies change after they've had kids and we lose ourselves with how to dress

as well I remember feeling completely lost as well because I had these giant banners like to accommodate and I wasn't used to that. I didn't know what my style was. Just generally, I feel like you, yeah, it's not, it doesn't look that fortunate anymore.

Now I'm finally finding like my style and I enjoy shopping not just because I enjoy spending, I enjoy like trying to style outfits. I take more pleasure in it. Like, I don't know, it's just,

it's just really nice feeling. Like, yeah, like looking back, I'm like, maybe I'll post like maybe i'll post maybe we'll post some pictures on our patreon of our pre-breakup yeah should we do that i feel like it'd be quite funny to put in the group um we've been here before so back to couples therapy we

went where we spent all of our lockdown with him humming and harring humming and arring she wrote humming and arring and this is in february so she's a matty it's obviously an autocorrect it's not about our marriage i did everything to work things out and it was horrendous three times he told me things were sorted only for it to go bad again very soon after the last time I said in the session, how do we make sure we don't end up here again? He looked me in the eye and said, because we know what to do now and we will be fine and I love you. Then, a few weeks later, on Father's Day, he said he was going to leave. The following Monday, he packed his overnight bag and moved into a hotel in central London, a swish one obviously.

We live in South London on the border of Surrey so he wasn't near us. He said he had to be in central London to be near work. It was awful. The girls and I felt totally abandoned. I felt so fooled and traumatised but the easiest part was getting over him. I'd had the whole of lockdown, 16 months to sort my head out regarding how I felt about him. Anyway, forward two and a half years and I have a wonderful partner who I've been with for two years. Like you Carly, I didn't expect to meet anyone but gave Bumble a go and met my partner and it's been lovely. We now live together with my two daughters and he has two older children who come to stay. We want to be together forever

and we've talked about marriage too and I'd love to marry him. I have been traumatized and I have to really pause and calibrate before I react to things which I do well. I'm very aware of my past. I did a lot of therapy after journaling, freedom course, I did everything and I'm training to be a therapist myself now. I love my partner and I really really do feel very loved and it is wonderful. He is kind and patient great with my daughters and my family. I lost my dad on my birthday the year before last and he was so supportive then and my mum was diagnosed with cancer nearly a year year two when we lost my dad and he was great then too. I really feel very very lucky and I'm so in love.

I have this thing though, where I feel like the belief of love has changed. I can't really articulate it. I look at other couples and I know and yearn for their firm belief that their husbands will be with them forever. You know, that unconditional knowledge. I'm desperate for that beautifully naivety again. I mean, I don't think I ever, I even had it before as I always knew that my husband wasn't right and that maybe our marriage would end, but it wasn't as pertinent as it is now. And now I'm with someone who is so, so different

and I love so much and makes me feel so loved. I just feel like that core belief and I'm 100% a true romantic and safe feeling has gone and I feel like I've been rewired and when I see my friends and family so secure in their relationships I think wow how are you so secure and so sure of a future when anything can happen. Even typing this I know it makes no sense it's like I've lost the dreaminess of being so secure in love without the insecurity tapping me on the shoulder saying you know it's not guaranteed so don't be fooled. I spoke to my friend who went through similar but hasn't met anyone yet. She agrees with me but says that she's glad she feels that way because she said it will make

her sure not to take marriage or a partner for granted ever again and to constantly work at a relationship. I mean I constantly worked on my marriage literally every day. I still don't feel like I've articulated this properly. I know all the live in the moment stuff because who knows what's around the corner, etc. But that's also reaffirming what I feel. Please tell me this is normal and it's just something I have to accept. I really am happy. I don't have avoidant attachment or anything like that.

I'm very much aware I'm an anxious attachment person who really tries to correct things by pausing behaving securely so as not to have awful knee-jerk reactions to things it just sucks being so hyper aware now I want the ignorant bliss back I hope this makes sense and doesn't contain too many typos lots of blah and thank you for your work you're doing makes people feel less alone I really understand this you know I think anyone who goes into marriage generally, for the most part, believes it's forever. And I think when things happen that you sometimes like step back and look and think, wow, is this my life life this is not what I ever anticipated like I know when I got married I signed up for forever and I relate to this in part of like I love my my partner so much and we've spoken about the same things and I can see a future with him and he makes me feel safe he gives me those things I need but I still have this thing like I can't explain it but I feel like I have my chance at happiness so like something might go

wrong this time because it's too good to be true and it's this feeling that knowing it can be taken away at any moment is terrifying I think the thing I want you to focus on is the fact you've been through everything you've been through and you've been in this secure and safe relationship for two years think how much progress that is the fact you've even opened and allowed yourself to love again like that is a massive amount of progress in a relatively short period of time and I think this is the case of it being time I think over time maybe that feeling will become less maybe you'll feel more secure like I think over the last few months how much more secure I feel than I did maybe at the end of last year like even the last six weeks like I've had a massive shift in I don't know if it's because of the reading I'm doing and just being much more aware of things but I've had a massive shift in like the belief

not in my relationship but um that trust and that safety and also like just like sometimes I say to him like you know like actually I I am a catch as well and it's knowing what I have to offer and it's not just the sake of I want to be loved but I want to know that I offer someone that as well and I do think this is a time thing yeah I also think that you know you're saying you look at other people and you want that kind of like blissful like ignorant yeah but part of me thinks that you're in a better place than them. Look, some people may disagree with that. But I think that at the end of the day, like, you don't know what's going to happen.

You've got to live in the moment. You need to appreciate it. It's not like you're sitting here self-sabotaging because you're worried it's not going to happen. You can't really, you know, you've been through stuff and that's valid yeah you've gone through a divorce that you didn't think would happen and as long as it's not stopping you being in a happy relationship that's when I'd be like you need to be really proactive and change your thought process because you're doing this and you're doing that and you're going to ruin this. Like you're not. And I think, unfortunately, like you're not naive and those people are. And I understand that you're sort of

like, oh, I want to be naive and think that this is my happily ever after. But just because they think it doesn't mean they're going to get it. But I also think as well, like you, you did say like you put in a lot of work the first time. I think you've also got to remember it was just the right work with the wrong person. And maybe now you have got your person. And it does make you strive to like, I feel like I'm more conscious about the work it takes in a relationship and how it's two people working together. I, I feel like, yes, I've lost that naivety, but I'm also more conscious of what it does take to make something work. Absolutely, I agree. So I feel like that's a real positive. So rather than living this naivety that it's never going to happen to me,

actually it's allowing me to pour in before anything awful could happen because we're not going to let it. It's educated you into knowing what you need to do to make it work. And I've got a little quote on my vision board which literally like i will live well i said i will live by like this is what i want and i'm seeking like that grow together type love 100 and i never had that

that's what i strive for and i actually think that sometimes going through the sort of stuff that we've been through allows you to understand of like what work you need to do on your own what work you need to do together to have a really good solid relationship because these relationships don't just fall in your lap and then you live happily ever after that's the blissful naive thought of it it does take work it does take you know growing and learning and try and maybe twist this around and see it as a positive like you use it as a positive that you've been through this so now you know what not to do and what you need to do to make the relationship that what sounds like a really great relationship continue to work it made

me so much aware more aware of how i communicate like i can't and i can't even tell you like and i've seen like i do feel like we're both growing together at the moment it's a really nice feeling i've never been so vulnerable in terms of like how I'm feeling like I know if I get any kind of anxiety or worry now I'm not ever scared to be like this worried like like this worries me could I just have some reassurance or I know I'm overthinking um this is going through my mind I don't want to upset you but I could do with a little help I never had that. I've always been made to feel like, well, that's your problem. You feel like that.

And I think, but do you know what I mean? And I think as well, that is really refreshing that you're in a really positive relationship where you're feeling so loved. Absolutely use that and run with it. Yeah, look, do you know what? I think it's so vital to take lessons and learn from previous relationships. I now know, and I'm so confident in myself that I

deal with conflict in a much better way than I used to I didn't deal with conflict well with my ex-husband I didn't communicate well with my ex-husband I lacked the knowledge and I feel like through everything that I've gone through in the last few months as well I feel like it's also allowed me to really be really vigilant and aware of when someone is deflecting something on you or taking their own issues and projecting them I don't know I just feel like treat treat it as a gift that you're so aware and and self-awareness and the work that you've done and are doing is only going to better your relationship. Well, I'm glad I'm not naive anymore. I live in this make-believe world.

So make-believe that I believed myself that I was... I romanticised my entire relationship, my marriage, my family. And it wasn't until it was gone that I realized. Didn't even exist. No, it never existed. And actually, I'm so glad I've had that reality check and I'm not naive anymore. That's sort of in a way what I feel like I've had in the recent weeks. It's like it is that reality check of.

Yeah. had in the recent weeks it's like it is that reality check of yeah like it is it's so easy to romanticize and like create a narrative in your head that was never there yeah because we we want to believe that that's women's we do naturally go back to like all the positives don't we like yeah i think you should use it. Use it. Yeah. I agree. This one is called Dilemma. Hi girls.

Love the podcast. I would love some advice on my current dilemma, please. My son's dad left me out of the blue whilst he was a newborn and 12 weeks before

we were due to be married. I later suspected he was cheating with a certain work colleague. Another one. Yeah, one of those in one. I haven't.

He, on reflection, had grew weirdly close to. Fast forward two years and we are now in an okay place in co-parent well most of the time. As it stands, I've kept the family home, which he continues to pay half the mortgage for, all the utility bills, despite everything he put me through. I'm grateful as I couldn't afford to keep a roof over our boy's head realistically without his financial help. Far as I'm aware my ex is single lives with his mum so our current financial situation doesn't ever really get

brought up although I know his support won't last forever but I'm accepting it whilst it's there and until I can afford to be financially independent but I appreciate this will take some time to save. This is where the dilemma comes in. I met someone six months ago and been steadily getting to know him and recently became official yay. My new partner lives over an hour away so I only get to see him alternate weekends when my son goes to his dad meaning it's taken longer to develop our relationship but would like to try and spend more time together. He also asked when he can meet my son so he can come over and be more regularly. And even suggested us going on holidays of three. I'm unsure how to handle this.

When is the right time to introduce a partner? It's not a situation I've been in before and I don't have any single parents who have been through this to know who I can turn to. My son does and will always come first, and I'm unsure when is the right time to do this. Ultimately, I'm worried to introduce him to someone, for them to come into his life, to only then leave. Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated. My second dilemma to this is my ex and I agreed

we would let each other know before we introduced a new partner out of respect for each other. However, I'm worried he won't want to continue financially supporting me the way he does if i'm with someone who spends time in the house yeah um he pretty much pays for which i would even understand but without this help i simply can't afford it on my own as of yet and i don't want to jeopardize losing mine and my baby's home I ultimately want to move forward with my life but understand dating when having children isn't easy as their happiness needs come first and just not sure how to approach this this is a tricky one because I really understand the concerns about the house because that is really like it is really tricky putting that aside

I think that only you can really be sure as to when you're ready for someone to meet your child I think all situations are different I feel like you've got quite a lot of situations here like with the house and stuff it's a really difficult one I don't want to sit here saying I for it do it and then find that like you that your ex stops paying for the house and then you've got to leave. I also think what you said, it's been six months and you only see him every other weekend. One thing I've learned, in my head, obviously,

it'd be great if you introduced the kids because you get to see each other more. But what we have really done, and we're 14 months in and we still haven't done it we're talking about it a lot at the moment but summer plans are correct like it's just so hard finding the right now I feel like we're also at the point where we've waited so long that we don't want to fuck it up at the last minute do you know what I mean like suddenly rush the last bit and get it wrong like so like our our way of doing it and again it's not for everyone I know

people have introduced it much earlier and it's not for everyone i know people have introduced it much earlier and it's been fine but this is what worked for us our situation we both had kids he's got a couple of kids who are older and therefore i feel like i feel like it's easier to introduce younger kids i feel like i'm less not that i'm worried i'm not worried about my kids i've been more aware of my kids because of how they've handled the whole situation with their dad. But I feel like his kids, two of them are at ages where it could be. Harder to accept. Harder to accept and have, yeah, more.

Emotion. Emotion around it. And I think we've been so aware of that. and have more emotion around it. And I think we've been so aware of that. And do you know what? I find it really attractive that he cares so much about that. That, for me, gives me massive green flags that he prioritises his children and that is what I could want in a partner.

For me, the fact he's not just putting himself first and children come last, I know. As well, where this is going to impact your situation i don't see the harm in like just being i'm not quite ready for that yet i'd rather see how we go because again like we wanted to build a strong foundation to know we were really strong because we both knew we had trauma and shit of our own we needed to heal through but i wanted my kids to come into a situation where this is solid and this is like I only ever intend for them to meet one person and you know I think for us we were both on the same

page that we wanted to be this solid thing that wasn't going to go away and we were both going into it together so when the kids do meet or we meet the kids that we're this solid team and like however long that takes for them to adapt we're there to support each other and support them and like just my personal advice and obviously it's different for everyone is like especially with your situation with the house I would be thinking smart try not to get caught up in this like love exciting prospect of love and this being your person because you don't know how it might go i think it is actually also really difficult that you only see each other every other weekend because six months it's not that long what i what i would say is six months of every other weekend isn't that long i'm not for a second saying that a six month relationship can't be strong and the feelings and everything

is there but I feel like until you're at that point where you're like this is my person like I think I'm going to spend the rest of my life with them um with the added stress of the house I would maybe put it off for a bit and almost also see if like there's opportunities to maybe I guess if you only but ask for help with family like I'm quite lucky that we've always seen each other at least once a week yeah or yeah um seeing someone every other weekend it's really hard to like yeah know them you know what i mean i can't explain like although mine were introduced after four months we saw each other about three to four times a week because he lived close i feel like we build that if close but we see each other at least two times a week yeah i don't know i think that i think it might be worth waiting for

either way but they've got another bit of the email right oh yeah hold on she sent an update so that email that i just read out was sent in june and this was sent the other day oh this was sent yesterday okay should i give it a little okay ladies a little update for you my son's dad has rearranged his weekends meaning he was going three weekends without seeing our son to me that's unacceptable but hey ho that's on him but it then meant that i'd be going a month without getting to see my boyfriend after a lot of consideration i decided to invite my fella over last weekend i feel bad because I'm like giving her this no but it's it's it's a big indicator that every situation is different and her circumstances change yeah true um I do understand why you've done this in all fairness like being able to only see them once a month how are you ever going to move forward or so I also get to the point where

we do we can and we do prioritize our children but i do also think like this is where i'm like my boyfriend makes me happy and being around him more and seeing him more would make me happy and i want my kids to be around that i i really resonate with that because i felt like that yeah and you know i'm so excited for it we both are like we're both very similar in the way we bring up our kids and the experiences we want them to have and we both love this idea of this crazy chaotic family like I know it's going to be excited and my situation just worked that waiting was the best thing for us and every situation is different yeah also can I also say he is two. That's very young.

I don't think that it's going to have some detrimental effect. I think the ages of the kids involved also is a big influencing factor, if I'm being honest. That's what I mean. I've always been, Milo would literally, I feel like, Theo's age, I think, as they start to get older, I think different children start to handle things differently and that's why we've been more sensitive

We had a day out watching the planes take off and land and we all had the best day My son absolutely loved my boyfriend kept going to him for cuddles and having generally the biggest smile on his face I decided not to tell my ex

which I felt guilty for as we had said we would but I didn't want to put my life on hold because my ex has decided to not have his son yesterday I found out the reason my ex hasn't been having him is because he's gone away on an abroad holiday without telling me good job I've not needed him during this time but the biggest shock of all is I found out he's gone away with the home wrecker he he left me. I'm glad you haven't told him. After never admitting to cheating, he's still with her two years on.

He doesn't know I know, and to be honest, he clearly has no respect for me, so I'm not going to bring it up with him as I know this won't get me anywhere. Also, it now has me thinking she would have definitely met my son if they'd been together two years. So now I'm glad. Even more so, I decided to put myself first for a change and introduce my son to my boyfriend.

Bring on the day I can be financially independent and don't need him for anything. Also, he's still paying for what was our house. And I know my name will likely be a sensitive subject in their relationship. Lol. Oh, your name is always a sensitive subject in someone's relationship hey hi do you know what i think do you like he's met your son let do it as gradual or as much as you want put yourself first he uh he's not putting himself he's not putting your son first he's gonna have to go you don't have that mutual respect i think sometimes like about

um what's the word um someone in the relationship always has to like lay down like like for me obviously the way foundation yeah well not even that's like so the way that my kids were introduced in the amount of notice i got 10 minutes you know when when i finally do introduce my boyfriend i'm just gonna give him exactly the same as what he gave me you know i'm not gonna go out my way like he will get 10 minutes notice and that's that because that's you know it's i'm not trying to be tit for tat but I just think there's a certain level of respect that was always something we had spoken about and he knew I was really sensitive towards I don't know I just find things like this

it really makes me sad like when people do things behind your back I don't know what it's like we said before yeah in your In your expectations. And I've been, you've got to set that so much better at that this week. There was, I can't even remember what happened. What happened? There was something and I was like, yeah,

but my expectation was, oh, that was it. Someone asked me on my Instagram, oh, did your ex thank you for you making the kids get him a father's day card and presents? I was like,

no, but I didn't have the expectation he would so therefore I wasn't annoyed or disappointed I didn't expect to so yeah I think you just get to the point where you just picture expectations way more realistic and you know what you now know that like you're not going to feel guilty for not telling him because he's done the same you get to keep the house out at the moment he's paying for which means you've got a roof over yours and your son's head you're happy with your new boyfriend who gets on really well with your baby go with it he's not even seeing the kid that much anymore like i think it's really sad

when people are in these relationships and they just put the new person first because i do think if those relationships don't work out they're going to look back and the amount of time they've lost with their kids it's really it is really sad the only person that's gonna 100 and you can't make someone see that if they don't want to open their eyes gonna go in with a confession of the week we've got some really good we've got some amazing ones coming up guys you're gonna want to uh stay tuned okay you're in i i scream so this one's tough because i didn't lose it my ex had a micropenis and he cried when we first had sex and he told me it shrunk when he took steroids previously but i call bullshit years on i still work with his older brother both tall boys over six foot and constantly find myself looking at

his crotch area wondering if he has the same endowment issues sorry for the dm too long for the box i don't know if that's a confession kind of is but um it made me laugh that's hilarious oh my god what would you do if like you were on a date with someone everything's going so well and then he's got the smallest as willy ever i've been really sad who would be sad i'd be so sad i think it's probably like a certain size where it's just she called it micro yeah no that's what i mean but it might be like a small willy is that mike i don't know what what's try to say google what is classified as a micro penis? There must be a certain size. What is classified?

Okay, here we go. A micro penis is a penis under seven centimetres. One, two, three, four. Yeah. Oh, dear. I wonder if it's... Yeah, width is very important. Usually, it is a rare condition usually diagnosed at birth

and caused by hormonal deficiencies. Did you know that? I actually didn't know. I feel bad for them. It's a medical term used to describe a penis that's much smaller than average. Oh, sorry, microman. Anyway, let's do an affirmation of the week.

Affirmative, I need a big penis. Please make sure my next boyfriend has a lovely, juicy cock. Right. What's that saying, man? No, we're going to do an actual affirmation that's not about penises. Okay. Yeah, I don't need a cock. Had enough of those in my life.

I'm really worried about you. Right. You're really deprived, aren't you? I've actually been fine. God bless love, honey. Thank you, I thank you very much. I attract people in my life who are emotionally available

and willing to grow with me and on their own. A to the fucking. And they exist. They do exist. We don't want these half-hearted men that don't know how to do the work. Oh no. Not for me.

It's an ick. Ick. Goodbye. Yeah. Anyway, love you guys. Love you back. Bye.