Not As We Planned - 56. I Met HER

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

The first encounter meeting the new woman in your children’s’ life, an update about fuck buddy situation, a woman at rock bottom struggling with the worries of custody and divorce and a man who got two women pregnant…at the same time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hi, you're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello guys and welcome back to another episode. I'm loving our like autumnal. It's autumn now guys, summer's over. I also feel like we're pretty much at adver for adnola. No, they're not sponsoring us.

Why? I know. I mean I've got socks, we've got the... It's just so comfy. I literally live in their stuff. I just keep ordering, they keep dropping. I mean, I've got the socks, we've got the... It's just so comfy. I literally live in their stuff. I just keep ordering, they keep dropping. I'm like, also, everything I want is sold out. What do you want?

I want the powder blue tracksuit. Yeah, that's sold out. It's coming this week. Is it? Yeah. I want the knitwear. Do you like the brown? Did you get it? Oh, I've been, the brown knit's good.

I've got that and I ordered the, this knit. Oh, adder. Yeah. Yeah. Hoodie or sweatshirt. Sweatshirt. I prefer the sweatshirts than the knitted hoodie. I just don't.

Yeah. I want the brown and the burgundy. Maybe. Do you know what I've done? I'm going to keep them medium. I get them open brown and the burgundy. Maybe. Do you know what I've done? I am going to keep them medium. I get them open. I get them medium.

Yeah. I had a big clear out of my wardrobe. You know, I was looking at it and I'm like, haven't worn that in years. Why is it sitting here? It's annoying me. I get worried that because you know, like things come back in. No, but I've been ruthless and I want it to be more not capsule because that's just not me. But yeah, I've just had a massive clear out and it feels really good. So I'm going to do that each

week and do one day wear clear, a bit of like not put too much pressure, a bit of clothes, sort it out. I desperately need to sort out my wardrobe because I actually don't have room for anything. No, I know it's bad. I know. There's such nice clothes coming out. It's just like, ah! I know. I love winter. We do a little cat chat. Yeah, let's do a little cat chat. And why don't we go?

I mean, I can report. Oh, I thought. Oh, I don't... Actually, I do have something that is quite big. Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna talk about it on here. I'm gonna talk about it on Patreon. Just because...

So, at the weekend weekend I met her and I don't know and it wasn't something like it was sprung upon me and yeah and very quickly take a moment to say how proud I am of you. Do you believe I'm gonna get emotional? Do you believe how I handled it? What? I'm gonna get emotional. Oh my God. You really are. I'm making it.

He cried. No, he's been in it. You handled it so well. Why the fuck am I crying? Oh my God. I'm so sorry. You've been with me my whole journey. Like you know how hard this was always

like one of my worst things. Why can't I do it? Why are you crying? Fucking hell. Oh my God. The ice queen is one of my worst things. Oh, why come back here? Are you okay? Fucking hell! The ice queen is broken. Actually, like, she's serious. Maybe she is really proud of me. No, but you handled it.

Yeah, I know I did. I didn't have a choice. Sorry, do I need to go and get a fucking tissue? Jesus! We came with your therapist tonight, Tess. Fucking hell! And then she came out of nowhere. Oh my god, why am I wearing a jumper?

I'm so sorry, I've only got a small zip tie under me. Such a good friend. But yeah, I'll speak about it more on Patreon because obviously I'm just mindful of... I want to make sure I articulate it respectfully. I won't lie, it has been something that I have been dreading, I'll be honest, and I did it. And do you know what? And that's one thing I will say on here, I feel really proud of the way I handled it. Clearly I do. I'll go into a little bit more detail about on Patreon. But I actually think meeting her offered me clarity on quite a few things. And yeah, I

also feel like some of the stuff I was dreading I've now done. Do you know what I mean? Like, that was something I've been literally has been making me feel slightly wrong. We've said that a lot that you like the build up and the anticipation of something tends to be a lot worse than they actually are. When I was driving there, I actually thought I was having a heart attack. Did you like feel like you're going to throw up? Yeah. No, but we've always said that haven't we?

The thought of it always ends up being worse. Try not to, I know it's so easy to say, don't worry twice. So just... So someone sent me a really good post by Dr. Alex and it was basically saying, and I felt like his post spoke to me. I'll post up my stories at some point, but it was basically saying how if you're a warrior and you end up worrying and like ruminating about something that's going to happen, like you can, you like play out the thing in your head and like how it might go. Yeah. But then you end up worrying about it twice and you end up worrying and like ruminating about something's gonna happen. Like you can, you like play out the thing in your head and like how it might though, yeah. But then you end up worrying about it twice and you end up worrying about a situation that 90% of the time doesn't actually

happen. And then so you ended up using that energy in a really negative way, getting you in a bad head space. I guess that's anxiety. It is. And also that a lot of the time that worry you had actually pans out in a much more positive way. And that's how I really felt. So I'll share the story because it was just a really, he just articulated it a hell of a lot better than I just did, but really interesting. So yeah, I just feel, I kind of just feel like, I don't know, like I knew it back, I think, God, if I was like, put in that situation

a year ago, I think I might have ended up like... Attacking. No, but I think it would have been... Unpleasant. Yeah. And I don't think I would have been in the right head space for it. But yeah, I think it just, it's settled my mind with a lot of things. I feel a lot better around it and now that's another thing ticked and if I have to see her again, I see her again.

I've done it. And I think I'm really proud of how I've kind of like held myself. And yeah, I'll go into a bit more detail on Patreon. So that was something massive for me this week. And so yeah, other than that, I had a really nice weekend with the kids. Do you know what? I felt like the last week of holidays, they'd obviously been away with their dad and his girlfriend for like five days in Cornwall. And they came back and they were really uncessive of routine. Like they are clingy boys, but like, you know, when it's almost like too much, really

hard work, they weren't sleeping, they were just fighting constantly. And I remember just feeling like a really rubbish mum and thinking, thank God, I thought they'd be silly, but like on their best behaviour, because they were so happy to see me. And I feel like now it's settling back into routine. Like this last week, I said last night on the phone to my boyfriend, like, I've really enjoyed being their mum this week. They're just, don't get me wrong, Theo's sleep's been all over the place, but their behaviour in general has settled down. They're really starting to, I don't know, be helpful around the house again. And I guess it's that lack of routine sometimes. I also think that

when they have been away from you, because I find behaviors are always worse after a week having a dad. And it is kind of like maybe slight, not resentment because of their children, they don't hold that sort of like anger or hate, but like, you know, they haven't been with you, so then they let all their emotions out on you.

Yeah, 100%. I think it's quite normal. I've had Theo literally waking up like every half an hour, checking on there. Like, it's a parish like, he's always in separation anxiety, but like, awfully like, he literally wanted to like sleep on top of me. And so that's been quite hard. It's just quite hard to navigate. When you were so exhausted, I literally felt like he was a newborn.

And I was just like- I really get it. I just put a gate on Rome's door, okay? Because he thinks it's necessary. I know you're coming. But Rome's much older. When's he four? It's Feb.

Oh yeah. He's a year old. Yeah, he is a year old. So I kept him in a place because I possibly couldn't keep fucking climbing out. I discovered that which I'm so bizarre. But one thing we have done this week, done potty training. Oh amazing. And he's got it.

And I just want to talk about like how hard this is when you're co-parenting. Yeah, hard to stick to the same thing, a routine. Or like you have this expectation it might not be done. So he's had poos on potty in my house down for a couple of weeks. And then he went away with his dad and he just did it in a nappy.

So I felt like he'd come back and all that hard work. I was like, well, now we're here. We're not doing poos and nappies. And then I just decided, I was like, he's so ready for it. And I found it hard because with Theo, I did it over the summer when we had a long period at home and he didn't wear any clothes and he nailed it, like absolutely smashed it. But I've also felt like I didn't want to do it over the summer because on my periods I had with the kids, I wanted

to do so much stuff because I knew I had time away from the kids. So I didn't want to use the time I had with them potty training and staying at home. So I've been in this really conflicted space as when to do it. And then at the same time, I'm like, oh, if I do wait till September, then he's got nursery Tuesdays week. And I don't know, I've just been like been like oh like when do you do it anyway on Tuesday this week I just decided to do it and was like screw it we're gonna do it pants off naked and he's absolutely smashed it he's had a couple of accidents but

I mean he's amazing so I've just texted his dad and said he doesn't lean up his anymore can you get him some pants and, it's really important that that's consistent because, yeah. I think that's the thing, I think with co-parenting, I have seen that kind of struggle, whether it's potty training or other things where there isn't that consistency. And it is sometimes really frustrating

when you're doing something, very much like Rome with his sleep. When he comes into my room, I put him straight back and I have this feeling that may not be what is young. Our dad. So then it just disrupts what you're trying to do. But again, I think it's only so much you can get frustrated about. You've got to establish, yeah, and you've got to establish, well, this is what happens at mummies house. And that's where I've really started to do things. Because I do think as they get older,

they start to be like, well at daddy's we do this. And I'm like, well at Mummy's we do this. My kids do that all the time. Actually mine don't do it. Yeah, mine, I think mine are just slightly too. Well you can do that as added. Slightly too young. Yeah.

Like I might sound like a strict parent. I don't allow the TV on every day at my house. But I've noticed such a difference in my kids since I've had that role. They are slay so much better. Like Milo's emergence of play blows my mind. And I think it's really easy sometimes to do that. But I'm like, don't play, you've got toys. And they've been so much better at that. So I do notice a deterioration in their behavior when they're watching too much TV. So yeah, I think it's really important to hold your

boundaries of how you want to parent. Yeah. And yeah, yeah. And she'll catch up. I don't know. What have I been doing? She needs to catch up. What the fuck is going on with your life? What have I been doing? I don't really have anything to up to. I see you're lying. No, nothing. Like the kids have gone back to school. It's really annoying. Rome isn't properly going to be in nursery fully until the 16th of September. I know. That's like two weeks. So that's a bit annoying. I'm excited to fully get back into a routine, get him into school.

And yeah, I'm just sort of doing my own thing anyway. Looking for a path to accelerate your career? Clear direction for next level success? In a place that is innovative and practical? A path to stay current and connected to industry? A place where you can be yourself? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. We're delving some emails. Let's do that. I thought we had a glip pic too much, right? Fuck body health. Help. Let's get straight in. Hi ladies, here's a little update on my situation ship since June. I really appreciate your advice and I've listened to the old so we must have given advice. Oh okay fine, I can't remember.

Oh yeah, so she has forwarded it. It's the neighbour who comes over there while it's sex and he leaves 20-30 minutes later. I wonder if it was a patron or normal. I can't remember. I remember. She was starting to catch feelings. I actually think that he went a bit cold and she was worried that he was sleeping with someone else. And we said, if you know that he's not your person, maybe it's best just to call it a day. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's a mom and he's given her really good like, like, positive, positive, yeah, yeah. Okay, so here we go. Oh, I'm excited.

We love updates, guys, as well. It's really helpful if you like forward it from the other email. Yeah, anyone listening that has sent us an email before, even if we shared it back in like a year ago, send us an update. We do laugh. And we remember that. Yeah, we do. How good are we? We didn't think that we'd remember it. I've listened to that episode numerous times since you helped me when I've been having the odd low moment. Well, the fuck buddy continued for quite a while longer

and I hope my update will help any other women out there who, just like Tash has explained to us all, need to focus on the inner work, on yourself yourself rather than telling you into anything you're not ready for. Who is this girl giving all this fucking advice? You hearing this? I can't hear you. Since I last wrote in, the fifth year old and I continued seeing each other regularly for daytime and nighttime hookups. The sex was amazing, and to be honest, a little too intoxicating, which I think is why I struggled to cut it off.

Things escalated over the weeks as we got into the summer holidays. He has kids too, so he only had them half the summer holidays. He has kids too, and he had them half the time. And before I knew it, we were speaking daily, sending good morning texts and the like, and I could feel myself getting more pulled in. I felt myself thinking about what else could happen with this guy, even though I knew to my core he was the wrong fit, and I'd be trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. I could sense I was becoming quite limerent over him, even though every single thing about him and the situation screamed, run away. Then, because of a clash of holidays, we didn't see each other for a couple of weeks. But eventually he came over on an evening and it was honestly the wildest sex I've ever had. Ticked every

single box and a night I'll always remember. Ooh, a little detail. Yeah, me too. We fulfilled a lot of each other's fantasies and I enjoyed every minute of it. Is she not telling us what the fantasies are? Guys, why are you holding back? They say fantasies. Are you keeping it?

Are you using our Excel spreadsheet? Maybe. I know I am. He stayed and chatted for a while after and he just started to sink in for me how self absorbed he is. I had a realisation throughout the last three months he's only asked me about five questions about me and everything. Our hookups, conversations, all contact was centered around him. Wow. Wow. He must be really good in bed for you to be blindsided. Yeah.

Yeah. He called all the shots and I'd put myself in a position of being completely out of control. I also realized he's just as damaged as the rest of us, his failed marriage has caused some trauma and we've just picked completely different paths to deal with it. As soon as he left I knew I needed to end things, I knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and that each hook up now was just creating anxiety in me. We had rough plans to see each other after the last time, however things called off completely

between us now, which felt mutual. I obviously have no idea what his thoughts are. Did he do all the sexual things he wanted and then felt done? Had he met someone else? Who knows. But I truly feel like he's done me a favour by reducing contact and I'm really grateful things have ended peacefully, seeing that I will likely see him over the years. things have ended peacefully, seeing that I will likely see him over the years. Although, because we live so close, I pass his car all the bloody time and it's so annoying. Don't shit where you eat ladies. The moral of the story here is you really have to focus on yourself. As my best friend has always said, casual sex feeds the body but starves the soul. I've had to look deep

inside as to why this person had such an impact on me when I knew from the beginning he wasn't the right fit. I now know it comes down to finally being ready for the next relationship after my painful divorce. I've spent five years telling myself I wasn't ready to be vulnerable and I didn't want more from anyone, but this situation has brought out what I do want, what I have capacity for and what I need from a partner. I have no regrets, I've continued on my healthy journey and have now lost 3 stone in a year. I regularly go to the gym and physically feel a million dollars. I still have a little way to go mentally as I'm still feeling quite

blue about the whole thing but I know I'll get there and the feelings will pass eventually. I'm having a dating break for a while to focus on me, my kids and my life and I'm now so excited for what's to come and what I have to offer someone. Spring-Summer 2024 will always be known as the season I discovered myself and the season I was fucking my ex's neighbour which gives me a slightly twisted joy. Keep doing what you're doing, I'm now a Patreon member and absorb with those extra episodes like an addict on crack. I love it. Do you know what? You are doing so well. You should be so proud of yourself. We've said it before, whether it's a situationship, whether it's a marriage, I do think that you've got to do it in your own time rather than just listening to what other people say,

because it is at the end of the day what you are. You're the only one that knows how you feel that you're living it. I think it's really good that you never stopped being aware of the problems. Do you know what I mean? I think it becomes dangerous when you stop actually. Yeah, I feel like you've always been quite high alert

and wary of what the situation is. Yeah. Not romanticised it. I think it's when you start kidding yourself and hiding information from other people and things like that, that's where it starts to get dangerous territory. And look, like you said, you've actually learnt from it, you don't regret it. It's actually shown you what you feel like you are able to offer in another relationship.

And it sounds like in the meantime you had a fucking lot of fun. So thank you for updating. Yeah, I love that update. This one is called Desperate Help Please. Hi girls. Firstly, thank you for everything. You've helped me more than you'll ever know, but I need your help please. Please, please help me. In capitals, I'm so desperate. Keep me anonymous. Call me anything. Okay, Jan.

Span. I have no idea what that is. I'm on how to? I'm currently in the process of divorcing my narcissistic gaslighting controlling ex. It's been the worst and best year of my life. Best because I finally filed for divorce last year, but worst because he's driving me to breaking point. Quick backstory.

Married 13 years, two kids, red flags from the start, typical case of love bombing, expensive restaurants, five star holidays, jewelry, et cetera, and I fell for it. I gave up my successful career to look after our kids so he could further his. At the start, I didn't recognize the signs, or maybe I just chose to ignore them. From 2016, I started keeping evidence and writing notes of things he did.

As though I was going mad, I thought I was losing my mind. Fast forward to the present and the divorce. I can't cope. I've lost my strength and the ability to see the wood from the trees. He has pushed me to rock bottom with thoughts I never want to have again. After having been my children's primary carer since they were born, he suddenly made allegations he has serious safeguarding concerns. Social services found the allegations to be false, but for him to cross that line has pushed me over the edge." That was just a discovery.

Yeah, I understand. A positive is that social services have identified my kid needs help for domestic abuse from their father. I mean, huh, karma. What a prick. So hopefully they will get help where they deserve. The police are also involved with interviewing him for coercive and control and behavior towards me. He's threatened to kill me, cancelled my credit cards, deducted money. The list goes on and on and on. Once resulted social services giving me food bank vouchers. Sadly my father has also passed away this year and I haven't had time to

grieve. Court dates looming, I can't sleep, I can't eat, my head is like a merry-go-round and I don't know how to make it stop. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel which is how I'm still alive. I know one day me and my beautiful children will be okay, but how do I get there? How do I even start to heal? How do I become the best mum in the world? How do I find out who I am again? How do I stop crying? I'm just so desperate for some advice and help. I love you girls, as you know. Do you know what? I think you're doing all the right things and I know that's not easy to hear because I know you're hoping we're going to give you some words of wisdom that's

going to magically help. But you've got rightly so the police involved, you know, the social services are involved. Those are the people who can do the stuff that needs to happen. And I think actually when the court date comes and your divorce starts to move forwards in that sense, I think that will offer you some relief. I think sometimes it is the fear of the unknown. It's having, like we spoke about,

having that stress and worry about what if this happens? What if this happens? You happens, what if this happens, you know, what if he gets the kids 50% blood transfer? It doesn't sound like that's going to happen. Yeah, I think this is a very much like day by day. You can't think further than the day that you're currently living. The fact that you've got authorities involved that are on your side, you need to try and just constantly remind yourself of what a positive that is. If we were reading that and it turned out that he was able to manipulate them

and you were like, he's giving them untrue stories and they're believing it, this would be a very different story. You have them on your side. In terms of healing, I think for you to move forward, you do need some answers in terms of, it's the uncertainty, isn't it? It's that anxiety and uncertainty of what's gonna happen. I think when you're given that again, it is taking it step by step. I don't know if you speak to anyone, I don't know if you journal or anything,

but getting feelings out and also knowing like how you're feeling now and all the worry is totally valid and I'm sorry if that's not helpful. You said like, how do I be the best mom? It sounds like you are like, you know, you're sitting there, you're worried, you're like the feelings that you're having right now and the concerns that you have is because you're so

worried about you and your children. It's not a bad thing for your children to experience what real human emotions are. It's okay for them to see emotions are, it's okay for them to see you sad. It's okay for them to see you stressed. I think the fact we need to normalize some of these emotions that are considered more negative, I think if we normalize them for our children and know actually it's okay and it's very human to feel like these things, that in turn is being a good mum to your children because you're teaching them

these are normal human emotions. Everyone experiences them at some point and it's talking about it, recognising it. And I think that's okay. I think it's okay to feel and I think it's okay for children to see that. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as parents that our children need to see us happy and positive all the time and that's not the case. I think when we start to be realistic and show children it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be angry, it's okay to get things wrong and it's how we go about dealing with that. I think that's where the magic of parenting really happens. Yeah, no, I agree and I think that it sounds like you are doing the right things. Look,

what you have been through is not for the faint-hearted. Like, give yourself some credit. Like, you've been dragged through some really, really hard times. But the fact that you're going through that divorce and eventually... There'll be a finish line. Yeah. Like, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, which I know that you're aware of and it's hard getting there. You've got to, unfortunately we can't give you this like magic cure that's gonna, yeah, that's gonna make you feel better. You've got to go through those emotions. You've got to feel the feels. But it is about maybe like seeking therapy, seeing your friends,

keeping yourself busy when you can. Right, journal. Journal. I've really found that helped me. Yeah, no saying. But thank you for writing in and obviously our inbox is always open if you want to reach out. So yeah, we hope that you're okay. You're doing really well.

Two women pregnant is the title. Hey, I'll try and cut a long story short. I've been dating for about six years on and off and back in January, I had the best date with this guy. We had the best fun dates and he was very charming and made me feel very special. And then a couple of days before Valentine's Day, he messaged me out of the blue

asking how I felt it was going. Why do people do this on texts? Like it blows my mind you'd have like a big conversation like this. Just like that's just a lack of communicate like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just on that, I just thought I touched on something conversation like this. That's just a lack of communication. Just on that, I just thought I touched on something that I've started to do in a new relationship.

Again, it just made me think of it because I feel like when you've been in a marriage that's failed or a relationship that's failed, it's so important to look back and reflect and try and make sure the same mistakes don't get made again or the same lack of care. So we keep doing like, and it's not like a formal thing but just like a casual relationship checking like, are you getting everything you need? Like, is there something I could do that might make you feel safer and stuff like that? It's just been so nice to have like really honest conversations. I don't know, I just feel like I'm really reflecting in this relationship. I'm very

aware of like when I might feel a little more anxious or when I might need a little bit more, I don't know, words of affirmation or I'm just really starting to notice patterns and things and it's so nice and refreshing to be with someone who just constantly always says like, what can I do to help? What do you need from me? And I don't know. It's very alien. But yeah, this made me think of that.

We say it a billion times over, but communication is key. I said it was good, but he said there were some red flags and he wasn't sure about the situation. Okay, are you the red flag though? Hi, there's some red flags and it's me. He couldn't give me any examples of why I massively relate to that. I remember my ex-husband always saying certain things like there's just things that just aren't good or aren't sitting well with me and like things you do and I'm like, well, can you at least let me know what they are so I can make those changes and he could never give me an example. I think they deflect, don't they, a lot on his ass.

Yeah, and of course, Nick's day he says he made a mistake and then he got scared. His ex was crazy. That's a red flag. Yes. And it brought up old memories. So he wanted to spend Valentine's with his friend. Hold on. Because my ex is crazy, I'm going to spend Valentine's with him. Sorry. And it's too triggering. My ex is crazy, I'm gonna spend Valentine's Day. Sorry, and it's also too triggering, so my ex is batshit crazy. Do you mind if I don't spend it with you? I'll spend it with my friend. He also mentioned that he was having a tough time at work and he had a lot going on.

Do you know what I saw a funny reel and it was like, when you catch your man cheating and suddenly he's got past trauma about his grandma dying 15 years ago. What was it? There's like a list of things like he's having a hard time but we're like and suddenly out of nowhere. It was a tongue-in-cheek real but it did make me laugh. He also mentioned he was having a tough time at work and he had a lot going on. We were exclusive quite early and I confirmed that and I confirmed that he was not seeing or speaking to anyone else the day after Valentine's Day when I saw him. My gut instinct was screaming at me that something wasn't quite right, but I ignored it and put it down to past bad experiences.

Do you know what, it is really hard when you've had bad experiences to differentiate between is this a red flag or am I just like a paranoid bitch? I understand that. It is really hard. Do you know what, I understand both sides. So sometimes it's like, do I give them the benefit of the doubt? Am I over analyzing and overthinking too much? And then the other side is, oh, you start like looking at all the good

and you're like, no, no, no, no, no. Like, let's give it, let's give it the benefit of the doubt. Like, yeah, it is hard. It's so easy. Can I just say one thing and point something out? I understand it's very easy for us to give all this advice. And not tell it yourself. To give all this advice

when we're not in any of these situations. Sorry, you alright Hans? Did you just hurt your neck? Maybe I am a little bit of a middle-aged. Haha, you're a little bit salty. You're a salty middle-aged, bitter woman. I just like turned my head and they're like, Crack him in the neck.

I told you I had a bag neck too. You did. Yeah, it's, it is easy to ignore. It is. It's like, I think with things like this, it's, that's a big one though. Yeah. But I think, I think as well, it's okay to like be paranoid if you've had a bad pass. But I think it's like over time when you just when they show and almost prove to you, you can trust them. Like that's when you have to realize you got to let go of that actually. And that's what I've realized like not a lie like going into my relationship I thought I was I was a paranoid psycho bitch from reflection like literally everything and particularly for me being

having distance between us and not being together as much as we would like not being together and being apart may be more paranoid because obviously you have to trust someone. But him cancelling on Valentine's that there's no valid. Yeah I agree. Not valid at all. Fast forward end of March, I saw a used makeup remover wipes in his bin

and I called him out. Oh, who uses makeup wipes? Are you not doing a double cleanse routine with like eight steps? Use my link. Skincare highlight. He admitted he had been dating another girl at the same time as me for three months. Oh, can you imagine? And they're like staying over in the same

place and like, that's just disgusting. Oh my god. Phil. It was her he was with on Valentine's Day too. So she's the chosen one. Yeah. He begged for me back and we said we would give it another go. It went well. I wasn't expecting that, no. We met each other's families, he spoiled me for my birthday and I thought it was going well.

I then found out I was pregnant. I drove to his house to tell him that he wasn't in. I rang him, but he got defensive over text. I said that I was stalking him like his ex and that I was crazy. He came over and we sorted it out. We booked a holiday for September, went to family parties and work award ceremonies. During the first three months I was emotional and he would call me self-conscious and paranoid and accuse me of accusing him of things when I would ask where my toothbrush was. He's moving the toothbrush for his other girlfriend.

I'd be able to see it. It's hearing, like when you hear the gaslighting. It's making me a bit uneasy. He went away one weekend and I tried to call and he says I wasn't allowed to call. I felt so alone and vulnerable and couldn't believe he didn't want to support his pregnant girlfriend. On the day of the dating scan he was off with me and didn't show any emotion. Later that day, he said,

Oh no, what is that? I have to tell you something. You need to remain calm. The audacity. You, I need to remain calm. What are you telling me? Oh, well, what's he telling her? He said that the week in they drove to his house uninvited.

He went for a walk with someone at work another one and ended up sleeping with her oh sorry sorry I don't mean to laugh she is also pregnant with his baby he said he didn't love me and doesn't want to be with me but I need to act like an adult and be civil for the sake of our baby. Oh my god. My blood is boiling. Oh, I hope he listens.

Do you know what's really funny? Can I just say something? You know the guy that emailed in, I called stupid and a loser. I listened back to just the snippet of us reading her email and in it I put, I hope you're fucking listening. I hope he's fucking listening because I'll say something about you, mate. You're, no, you are a fucking piece of shit. Honestly, people who put around their penises in multiple vaginas, not worrying about feelings, not caring what happens, not taking any kind of responsibility, are the worst kind of people.

Honestly, these are feelings. These are future children as well who aren't gonna, you know, I just think. How embarrassing for those kids. They've got a brother or a sister and then it's gonna be like, oh, how come you're the same age? Because my dad was fucking both of them at the same time. When on a walk with a work colleague, he can fell in to have a joy. You are clearly being a really bad human and you're gaslighting your girlfriend to make her feel like she's mental. She's not mental, she's just onto you. You're a pathetic waste of space. Right, sorry. I blocked him on everything

and a few days later he turned up at my front door. What? He's such a stalker. Yeah. You're a psycho. Yeah. Wanted to discuss how he wants to be heavily involved in both babies' lives. He told me he slept with her again the night before, but he knows he needs to be single. Grow up. Oh my god, so they've both been ditched? Since he has been checking in asking how I am but I'm struggling because he didn't care when we were together. How do

I get over the lies and how do I stop thinking about them two playing happy families with that baby? It's killing me and I miss him I want him to be with me and have this baby together. Can I quickly ask you a question, okay? Because seriously, and I think we've said this before, what do you miss? Do you miss the anxious feeling that you get when he wasn't replying to your text? Do you miss the way that he made you feel like you were the one going crazy? Do you miss the fact that he was completely vacant at the scan of your baby? Do you miss the fact that you've had to find out and be told that you shouldn't react badly

when he's been seen from someone else and made them pregnant? You are missing a person that doesn't exist. You romanticized him in your head. I know that this is really harsh. It's just, he makes me so angry. It makes me sad for you that you were sitting there wanting him back. He doesn't deserve

either of you women. He should be on his own. Like can I also just say you said like you hate the thought of them playing happy families. Let me tell you now when he has this baby babies don't make life easier or romantic or make it easy to be a happy family. There's going to be sleep deprivation. His girlfriend or whoever this person is, is going to change when she's had a baby. She's going to have a postpartum body. What's he going to do? Go wander off and find something better again then?

That's what I mean. There is no happy family. Again, it's this thought in our head. This is going to happen this way. Can I also say one thing? Not a thing. Can I also say another thing? I don't even feel like she's the other woman. I feel like you both are.

Like, how do you know? Like she probably also feels the same way that you feel. She probably didn't know about you either. And I think that you've both been played off each other. Like, but he's not, he's not going to give her what you want either, like, I just think this man is not a nice person. Don't try and beat yourself up thinking oh, the other one's got everything I want, I guarantee. He's probably treating her just

as bad, but what's he gonna do when times get hard, when you're exhausted, when you're running off zero, when your body doesn't look the same, like, I don't trust this man, he can't stick with someone, like, so there was the other girl and then it was someone else from work. Like, the man is clearly showing consistent behaviors of being an asshole. And I think that, I know you can't see it now and I know it is heartbreaking when the person

that you love breaks your heart, breaks your trust. He's doing you a favor and one day you're going to look back and realize that not being with him is an absolute fucking blessing. And let me tell you that baby has got everything they need in you and it's going to be hard and hopefully you've got people around you who can help but I promise you the best thing for your baby is you and you you're gonna do an amazing job. Right.

Confession of the week. I slept with my old music teacher after I'd finished school. If I slept with my music teacher, you should have seen what he looked like. Mr. Hope, he was not a looker. Yeah, not as fine. I wouldn't have slept with any of my teachers. Primary school, however, not when I was in primary school, but looking back, the PE teacher in my primary school, he was kind of right. Right.

Affirmation of the week. Affirmation of the week. I've got one. Right. Affirmation of the week. Affirmation of the week. I've got one. Okay. I think we need this today, guys. And this can be in regard to anything, but the way I'm thinking of it is like our abilities as mothers. Okay, is that I am doing my best and that is all that matters. Mm-hmm.

Amen. And that is however that looks. And and I promise you that is enough for your children. Yeah. Love it. Right. Thank you so much guys. We hope you enjoyed it. Keep writing in. We want loads more emails and confessions. And updates. Update and men emailing in. We always love to hear from those sexy beings. Yeah. Anyway, love you guys. Love.

Bye. Bye. Bye.